Ep. 182 – A friend of ours

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Ooh,

you fucking pieces of shit.

Welcome to Cometown.

We're over here talking about Judge Dredd or something.

I don't know.

We're talking about Blackwater or some shit.

In the CIA.

Yeah.

Pete Buttigig's bitch asses in the CIA, dude.

He did the

coup.

He did the coup in Bolivia.

Yeah.

His dance was so fucking horrible that the the guy killed himself or something.

I don't know.

So we've got um

Mick, what are you looking at?

Uh I'm checking it uh for uh the Reeds.

Yes.

Nice.

Um

we're sipping on damn smoothies.

We're um we're joined today.

Can you remind me your name?

It's Dylan.

Our boy Dylan.

We're out here talking about pedophiles and shit.

Um

And Dylan's sitting in, got a fucking hard dick movie coming out

called Something About Raccoons.

Dylan's also a vet of the Truck Boys game.

He's the OG Truck Boy.

The boys know, yeah.

I was never a Truck Boy, and that makes me feel sad about that.

The intro, Nick, to the Truck Boy game.

The Familia,

that thing of yours,

which was never a thing of, I was never part of it.

Sorry, I'm still trying to.

Because we started working on the truck together, right?

Well, you got me the job.

We didn't start together.

Was I already off the truck when you started?

I think so.

Yeah, maybe I worked one or two jobs with you or whatever.

Yeah.

Because

I was just transitioning off that because we had a mutual friend.

To become a woman.

Taking estrogen.

Congratulations.

Well, it would have been easier to get into production that way.

Why don't we just give you some titties, dude?

I've already got them.

No, some fat ones.

I mean, they

try to get them.

Some suckable-ass titties.

Are they transitioning?

And then you can get you some more jobs.

Yeah.

Are there trans people working in production?

I assume so.

I try not to see trans.

That's true.

Yeah.

Like, we're all the same gender.

Because to me, at this point, everybody's like

anybody that looks mildly androgynous.

I just assume.

I did call

him.

I play it safe.

Yeah.

I keep an eye on this one.

Yeah.

Don't have been calling Adam them the whole time.

Yeah, I appreciate it.

I have a lot of anxiety when people attempt a gender.

I did feel bad.

I was in Portland this weekend, and I called a lesbian, who, what appeared to me to be a lesbian woman, I just said ma'am, just because I've been on a real certain ma'am kick recently.

Yeah, I think that's all I was saying.

Because you're a southern gentleman.

I was in New Orleans, so I picked it up after I came back with my fucking, my fucking, my linen suit and my hat.

And I was called, and then, but I saw the look on their face like I just made a mistake.

And they had a little mustache, so I don't know if it was just like

a a trans or maybe just a genderqueer person.

I kind of look like that when I get away from it.

You pretend to be French, and you said mon ami.

Monami.

I'm deaf and from here.

No, I wasn't.

Did I just start speaking to you in French and in sign language?

Sign language.

Oh, fuck.

Not only is he also deaf, but he heard me somehow.

He knows I'm not French.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that, you know, so what do you do in that situation?

You know, that's really annoying to me.

It's like, if you know someone's gender or their preferred gender and you say the wrong one on purpose, you're being an asshole.

But if you make like an honest stat

and there's, you don't know the person, that's not something that like.

I saw their face.

You're not trying to hurt someone's feelings.

I will never, I would never try to hurt her in a beautiful vest.

What's nice now, though, is like, you know, people used to be scared about.

you know, like, oh, is that woman fat or is she pregnant?

But now you can do that to guys.

Oh, that's true so you're gonna be like oh when's the baby due and you're like i'm clearly a fat man i'm like i didn't want to assume yeah i'm rude to both genders i didn't gender i didn't want to assume i assumed you were a trans man

who has a who has a pussy that got filled up has a man's inside penis

damn can buck can buck angel get pregnant

um she's probably taking a lot of testosterone oh sorry him actually He's probably taking a lot of testosterone.

Wow, dude.

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking about pregnant, and then it made me say she.

Now he's the fucked up guy.

Well, there was that.

Calling Buck Angel she.

There was that person in Australia that was pregnant after transitioning to being a man.

It was a big tabloid news story.

I remember.

That's what I'm saying.

It doesn't like the reproductive system doesn't like, or like the birth system.

The pussy system.

I wonder if you get a penis.

If you get a penis, but you still have a uterus, you haven't had like a hysterectomy, if you could just get a C-section.

I wonder what happens on that show, I am Jazz, after they're done with everything.

Well, it's like a child, right?

Well, not anymore.

It's an adult now.

Uh-oh.

Combs hair, spritzes a little bit of mint in my mouth.

Yeah, who's the guy that's been waiting for jazz to turn into

like the full house guys?

Yeah.

But

they're about trans girls just

crossing out.

Remember how weird that was on a calendar?

When everyone came to Wayne Ashley.

And it's like they were famous for being babies.

Yeah.

That's a weird thing.

They weren't even hot 16-year-olds.

There were two of them.

Oh, yeah.

Twins.

Yeah, people forget.

Twins?

Twins.

It used to be rare before they were putting, you know, estrogen in the milk.

That's true.

Whatever happened in the milk.

Well, I think it's all in vitro babies.

In vitro babies, there are a lot of twins and triplets.

My brothers are twins.

You know what's interesting is like, you know, you see those farm videos of them abusing animals, and people are like, oh, I don't want to eat any meat anymore because everybody's disgusted by them

everybody everybody's disgusted by them that's true but everyone also loves watching those videos of them throwing dead cows into that giant meat grinder people love that I love it I've never seen that video

people love that

but I do find making that scary no I mean it's cool

no I mean it it's therapeutic no people like watching people like watching shit get thrown in those grinders but not the actual cows I've only watched the videos of dead cows and horses being thrown in there whoa they got horses?

I think once they're dead, there's a lot less emotional chasms.

Oh, true.

I would love to take my daughter

to see her horse be thrown in one of those after she gets a B

in Spanish.

Yeah.

Sorry, sito.

Sorry, sito, Ahora.

Whatever.

Are you sorry now is in Spanish?

I think

it's here.

Here.

The thumbnail?

No, it's here.

I'm pretty sure.

Aura is now.

Is it?

Like Aura.

I got her.

Like Aura.

Anyway, she's crying.

Horse is being ground up in glue.

Is horse meat delicious?

It seems like it'd be too tight.

They eat it in France.

I hear it's gamey.

Do they have fat horses?

Are there fat horses?

Absolutely.

Put your

mic.

Yeah, yeah.

You got to stay tight on these.

They're not like that.

Sorry, I'm

not a broadcast.

I'm not used to it.

Oh, that's all right.

Very much a noob.

By the end of the app, you'll be

turned out.

We're going to sex you into the cult.

Yeah, we're going to sex you into the cult.

I just don't want to have like the sniffle.

What if we all pulled our don?

Okay, theoretical.

What if halfway through we were like, oh, by the way, we're going to have to rape you for this to air?

What if we all jizzed on a cookie and made him eat it?

QAnon style.

I'd ask you about your numbers, probably.

Okay.

We put our Venetian masks on.

Yeah, so would you be cool with it if we had less or more sex?

Do you mean numbers is in our body count?

Oh,

I was thinking measurements.

Oh, I thought he wanted.

I mean, there's a lot of numbers.

I thought he didn't want to get emotionally attached.

I was more saying, like, I was more saying that's a lot of sex worth,

you know,

people hearing about a movie that I have coming out.

That's what the leverage is saying, right?

I thought body count, Nick thought cock.

Well, I mean, like, it's all the above.

That's what I mean.

Like, there would have to be.

Pretty good.

I need statistics.

The numbers are pretty good.

We team up pretty well.

Yeah, we collaborate well.

Because I think after one, it doesn't matter.

True.

You know, like that.

Like, I would imagine that the first cut's the deepest.

And we'd break you off in open.

Here's the thing: here's the good news:

our dicks are soft, unless later on they're not.

Wink, wink, if you know what I'm talking about, Nick.

I think so.

Today, looking at the calendar.

Maybe we'll pick.

Actually, you know what?

Let's pick this discussion up later.

Oh, let's say 11 minutes and 29 seconds.

If I had to hazard it,

rough estimate,

man, I might want to

So, why don't you tell us about the flick?

The flick is Killer Raccoons 2, Dark Territory in the Dark.

I love it.

It is a pretty much shot-for-shot parody of Under Siege 2,

which is one of the worst sequels ever.

So, the whole idea was to parody bad action sequels from the 90s.

What are the worst sequels ever?

Well, the worst sequels, like, I'm more talking about sequels that like The Second Inch of Adam's Penis.

We're like, okay.

It's terrible.

The second

two

We're like, oh, this thing's only three-quarters long.

Listen,

having you admit to the second inch, which is, I think to this point, you have never admitted to the existence

of the second inch.

I'm going to take it as a win.

Okay.

Building.

You're building, dude.

One step at a time.

Pretty soon you're going to recognize my third inch.

It's like Palestine.

The third inch of your dick.

You need international recognition.

Sorry,

we're just doing our little thing.

Anytime Palestine gets brought up, I want to hear it.

But no, so basically, in the 90s, I grew up on

Die Hard, Speed, Under Siege.

We're all, when they came out, those are all good movies.

Like, Die Hard's obviously better.

Speed, Under Siege.

But the sequels are equally, in my opinion, bad.

Like, Speed 2, terrible.

Die Hard 2, huge.

And they're all the same.

With a vengeance?

They're all of the same.

Desire 3.

That's the good secret.

I R2, it's saying an M-word on a boat.

Speed 2, you're going fast on a boat.

Under Siege 2, more boat stuff.

Well, Under Siege 2 is on the train.

Oh, right.

Yeah, the Service was on the boat.

So we essentially got a train for free.

Nice.

And Travis...

Is that Nick?

You jealous?

No.

Be honest.

I'm not jealous.

I've never been a train guy.

It was fun, man.

Nick's eyes are opening up.

It's fun to climb around on trains.

I openly admit to a lot of other things that I like training stuff.

Nick just put a pillow on his lap.

Yeah.

Why is it raising up?

The pillow?

Yeah.

Because I got into magic.

That's one of the things.

That's one of the things that I'm doing.

That's one thing you would be jealous of.

I don't care about trains.

I'm going to entertain myself doing magic tricks while you guys talk about your fucking trains that I don't care about.

Well, we had real frozen dead raccoons.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Replace the henchmen.

Did you do it yourself?

Yeah.

You killed them?

No, no, no.

So getting raccoons is great because Travis Irvine, the director.

Shouts out to Travis.

Travis Irvine's a funeral.

Former DC Comic.

Former DC Comic.

He got out of it to kill and freeze raccoons.

Sounds like he's doing a lot better.

Somebody found him in the garbage, and they were like, what are you doing?

He's like, oh, I'm a director.

I have a business.

I'm a directing.

I'm a filmmaker.

I'm an auteur.

I'm a director.

In 2017, 18, he moved back to Columbus to run for governor as a libertarian.

Oh, I remember that.

And make this movie.

Yeah, because Travis hates age of consent laws.

That's his big thing.

I mean, he cannot stay.

He asked me not to talk about that.

That was his big, but that was his big campaign promise.

Well, that's how he got into Hollywood.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, he's, yeah.

But

yeah, a child's ass for every dick.

But to get the raccoons, they're like, because they're considered like rodents or so you're supposed to destroy them.

Really?

If you catch them?

So animals.

Rodents?

They're big as shit.

But they're like considered pests.

Pests.

Pest control.

That's the word I think.

So they, when they catch them, they're supposed to kill them and destroy them.

And but they they give them to like a biology lab to test them for for diseases to see if there are any diseased raccoons in the area.

And if they're not,

if they're disease-free, they just cryo-freeze them or like, you know, like whatever the dry ice shit.

It's like super frozen.

And then you can get them from them for free, like as many raccoons as you want.

Wait, you get them for free?

Yeah, like we got eight raccoons from like a biologist that had had them frozen and tested and was going to either incinerate them or give them to us.

And so we got like an official letter that we can have them.

We're not harming anything.

So if some guy wants to fuck dead raccoons, you can just get them for free?

Yeah, I mean, I don't,

hypothetically, that.

Did you have to say it was for a movie or did you say that?

What you said, how did you get to train for free?

All right.

All right.

All right.

It's more easy.

Yes, of course you can get dead raccoons for free.

Why was that?

Why?

Because nobody wants them.

Nobody wants them.

There's plenty of people who want it in a free fashion.

They're literally trained.

You can make a coonskin coat.

I can't imagine.

Whatever it is, the process of getting a free train for a million autistic people that haven't figured that out yet.

That's right.

Claim this is because I asked a stupid question.

No, no, no.

That's because you're autistic.

No, no, no, no.

Nick's saying it's for the people at home.

Oh, that's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying I don't understand how there's a process in which you can get a free train that hasn't already been exploited by retarded people.

Well, we keep sending them to jail if they try to ride it.

It was a non-profit.

They have like a in Nelsonville, Ohio, near the Athens OU film school, which is right now.

Yeah, non-profits are bullshit, dude.

You can just, you put whatever you want on that 501c application.

I plan on it's like oh, yeah, you give give away dead raccoons.

Sure, no taxes for you, pal.

Well,

they have a they have like they they restore old trains and they run a they run a tourist thing.

Yeah, we sell trains and raccoons

and we don't pay taxes,

but they just they we literally just had to pay uh we had to submit to the board.

It took like a nine months of going in front of the board, getting approval to do it, we have to provide insurance, stuff like that.

But ultimately, their employees are on salary and they were just there anyway man i want to meet the the adjuster who who who like does uh uh insurance claims for fucking

model like railroads

antique railroads that you can buy well this is no they're real railroads full-size trains that have just been decommissioned and they're like you know cool csx trains we got to do that like that we got to go and we got 25 a day to tip the guy that drove them around for us but we got but we got to shoot inside of them outside of them all for free and it made the the whole thing possible.

So we like, so Travis came up with the idea that

you keep the mic tight, Poppy.

Sorry.

But Travis came up with the idea of doing it against Under Siege 2.

And we both

historically kind of have.

I went to see Under Siege 2 in the theater.

The screen broke.

I waited for two and a half hours.

It was like 15 minutes into the movie.

So he asked me

if I liked that movie.

I was like, I fucking hate that movie.

He was like, will you parody it for me?

That rock.

And so he brought me like a budget and a script.

And we

retooled it.

Wait, you have a raccoon Seagal, or you have a man?

No, we have a man Segal.

Okay.

He's actually the

recast, same role as the original that Travis made.

Because Travis made the

first one, which is called Coons.

And we weren't, our investors wouldn't let us call it.

Coons.

Okay.

So,

we called it

Killer Raccoons 2.

But Coons is like on YouTube and

Amazon.

This is a sequel.

This is actually a sequel.

Yeah.

Because we're going to do it.

The trilogy is going to be be a parody on Alien 3

with a little Return of the Jedi.

It's interesting because the original Under Siege was called Chinks.

A lot of people don't know that.

Steven Zagal was like, well, there's Chinks in the armor of the ship.

And that's how the terrorists get in.

It's through the Chinks.

They're like, you can't call it that.

He's like, how about Under Siege 2?

They're like, okay.

All right, that's fine, Steven.

Under Siege 2, Dr.

And Under Siege 2 is like, watch it.

It's on YouTube.

You can find it.

It's like the worst movie ever.

They made it for $40 million.

It's a joke.

Our whole thing was we tried to make sure the movie still looked as bad as Under Siege 2.

How many?

Now, is there titties in Under Siege 2?

I don't believe...

There might be a brief.

Interesting.

There might be a brief, brief

scene with the last one.

Because there's no girl jumping out of the cake like one.

You know, like that was

a historic thing.

I saw that

at seven in the theaters.

That was a big deal for me.

Of course.

You got hard as shit next to your dad.

I was seven.

I mean, getting hard as shit.

That wasn't even like in the equation at that point.

Oh, dude.

You never got a surprise boner as a child?

NRBs all the time.

But that wasn't like until I was on my way to middle school.

Okay.

Like, I don't feel like I was

popping wood before then.

I feel like I was.

Really?

Do you think?

I mean, like.

Well, I know I could get my dick hard by.

massaging it as a child.

And I know one time when me and my brothers were having, we would often have dick measuring contests.

And I remember one time.

Oh, you were growing up?

Yes.

And I remember one time I got.

I was your brother just losing?

No, I was winning.

Thank you.

Two years older than

two.

Two years older.

Brother beating you in a dinner.

You had an infant.

They were nothing.

You were four and they were two.

You're 13 years old.

13 and 11 is perfectly reasonable to lose in the Petrochemistry.

You're blasting the NBA Jam theme in the basement.

Your mom's like, what are you doing down there with the babies?

We're playing

basketball brick.

Don't come down here.

They weren't babies.

They're two years younger than me.

Where's my baking ruler?

Where's my baking ruler that I use for?

I don't know.

What is the baking ruler?

He's playing something his mom needs in the kitchen that he's using to measure his brother's penis.

My brothers are twins and they're two years younger than me.

I never measured my grown penis next to my baby brother's penises and lost.

Thank you very much.

And lost.

For the record, I lost.

And lost.

The point I was trying to make, Nick, was that I would get hard.

The biggest penis medal in yourself.

Your infant brother who clearly won, just crying.

And the winner is me.

I won.

There.

I got to imagine.

I got to imagine different sizes as twin brothers is a complex type thing.

Yeah, I think twin brothers, okay, to be fair, I'm pretty sure my brothers

are bigger dicks than me.

And I think they're pretty nice-sized.

I haven't seen them grown up, they're grown-up penises

in quite some time.

I've seen Eldis's penis quite a bit, and it is pretty small, just for the record.

Yeah, Eldis has a vagina.

Eldis, my friend,

Dylan, to catch you up, my dear friend and roommate, Aldis Sewell,

whatever, has a really small penis.

Like a micro?

Nah, just

a roommate for life kind of situation.

I know.

Yeah, no,

he's not my roommate for life, i.e.

I'm gay.

Anyway, the point, well, the question I was asking, thank guys, to keep it to ask back to the movie, is

how,

if there were no titties,

or if there was a brief flash, did you put any titties in your movie?

We did not.

We have like a, we have a

gratuitous parody oh no we do have boobs yes no we have more boobs yeah we have boobs yeah because they because in the beginning yeah they use it they have to they have they're using a special satellite to zoom in on it because that's in under siege 2 so oh yeah so oh okay

oh if they if it happened in under siege 2 great like the only difference is like instead of running across the train like with a helicopter shot yeah we would do them climbing across the train

because we could fake shit like that like everything that's no drones no uh we did use drones to get some coverage but with an actor running on the train

that was a little out of our element.

We were trying to keep, you know, like if you watch like hot shots or airplane, like those production values suck.

Yeah.

You know, you're not getting like a, like, we got so much better production value out of the money that we put into it.

Like, every, it's amazing how many people will do favors and solids when they took to be like, oh, yeah, I'm the VFX on a feature.

Right, right.

Like, people, like, a lot of really talented people will do a lot of fun shit to make a movie happen.

Nice.

And so that, like, so we got a good.

Would they get would they fuck to get a movie?

Would they have to get their dick cards doing it?

Well, I mean,

we started shooting like two weeks after the Weinstein thing broke.

So nobody could get their dick card until

you got.

You know, I think the point Nick's trying to make is if you really needed your dick to get hard for this movie to get made,

we know a service that will help you.

If you're reading the Weinstein news and you're reeling about all the rapes and you can.

I can't believe it myself.

And you're trying to get your dick card and you can't.

You should check out a website called Blue Chew.com.

That's true.

Stop can tell you a little bit more.

I absolutely 100% can.

Dylan, you know, Dylan, earlier when I said, would you get fucked by us?

I was going to say, me and Nick can't even get hard, but that was in a world before Blue Chew.com.

So

luckily for you, we both took Blue Chew.

And what they do is they offer the generic version of Viagra Sialis.

We're talking to Dadlafil and Sedendalefil or whatever the film is.

Seddon Leopold.

Sedan my dickle.

Is that the Releota one?

Sedan my dicklefil?

Yeah, it is the Releota one.

Yeah, it makes you quit smoking, too.

Yeah, your dick gets hard as shit,

and cigarettes taste even worse.

Yeah, basically, if you like sex, you'll like Blue Chew.

Not Blue Chew, Blue Chew.com.

You'll like Blue Choo.

Specifically, that's the website will be

like Bluetooth.com because they offer men a performance enhancement for the bedroom.

Wouldn't you like to last longer and go extra rounds?

Yep.

So we'll be like a few

extra rounds.

And what they mean by that is, like, don't you want to get your dick hard?

Like in that

episode of Black Mirror when the guy has sex with his friend in Mortal Kombat, and

they go those kind of rounds.

Oh, yeah.

Having gay sex over

two fights over PlayStation.

That's right.

Now, okay, in that movie or that show,

you wouldn't even need to be hard, right?

Because

they were having sex on their VR?

Well,

that's kind of a nice way.

Maybe Blue Chew should get into that space where you have VR gay sex.

You don't need to because they make you a bad thing.

You're hard when you have a wet dream, right?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I assume it's blood rushing.

I've never had a wet dream.

I've never had a wet dream.

Never have either.

Most of the

fantasy dreams I have is like I'm on the battlefield, my face is painted.

There's a horde behind me.

I did one time thinking about.

And you never get to rape the queen.

You only get into the castle and slit her son's throat in front of her.

Sure.

And then, right right as you get hard, that's when your mom wakes you up.

Yep.

Get out of my bed.

You're going to be late to get out of here.

Get out of here, man.

Watching you say this with the chain mail behind you

is all too perfect.

My mom's like, get out of my bed.

And it's like, mom, I told you I took a blue chew before I went to sleep, and I don't want to calm in my own bed.

I don't want to get calm in my bed, mom.

I have to go to work.

I had a wet dream when I was a child thinking about.

I have to go to my job at the video game store that that I have so I can get cheaper video games.

While I continue to you pay the rest of the money back into these fucking games.

More money goes into gaming.

That is probably a huge part of their business model.

Oh, yeah.

How much of their employees' checks go back into the game?

Dude, I worked with two guys that had kids and they were like constantly like buying and like pre-ordering stuff and would come out and be like, and they would be like, yeah, this is going to be great playing.

This is my son.

And it's like, first of all, he's two.

I doubt he's playing playing Halo 3 with you.

You just use the child to justify purchasing more video games.

They don't have clothes for school, but they have every fucking ninja guidance.

Yep.

That's all you need.

They watch you play while they're crying.

And the way he actually conceived that child is he got his dickheart.

Blue Chew.com.

Are there multiple ninja guidance?

What am I thinking?

I think there are.

See, I thought Blue Chew up until now was just a slang for chewing.

Well, you're a fucking idiot, though.

Yeah, you're a child.

I mean, I feel like I feel what it is.

No, it's like, yeah, when you what it actually is, is a miracle surface.

Yeah, I'm about to do it.

Where you don't even need to go to octopus.

You don't go to stay at home.

The chewables from Blue Chew can be taken on a full or empty stomach.

That's the thing a lot of people don't know: chew means chewable.

That's right.

You try and chew a Viagra, tastes like good.

Good luck, pal.

I thought that meant like that was more like a street.

That's a fucking disgusting.

No, people chew up.

How's your date work?

Does it work fine?

Yeah, too well.

Too well?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Well, get those.

No, I get out of here, I don't.

Get the fuck out of here.

I don't snob.

No, if anything, I'm just saying.

You bust quick?

No, I stay hard for too long.

You stay hard.

That's definitely the problem.

Yeah, I mean, I don't even want to say that.

I'm not saying that in a good way.

Yeah, you're getting hard.

It's absolutely a negative.

Okay, when you say it's too well, you mean you get hard at inappropriate things?

No,

it just won't go away.

Wow.

Well, dude, you should pop a Bluetooth and then really go super.

Well, that's why I've never touched, I've never touched any of those because I don't.

I feel like I'm going to be the four-hour guy.

You're like, that's always what.

You're like, that's all.

All right, I've had enough of your bragging about you.

I am not.

Please do not take that.

You get to go on Rogan.

Do not take that as bragging.

You go on Rogan if you're one of those guys.

That's the reward.

If your dick stays hard.

That Bluetooth guarantees that if your dick stays hard longer than four hours, you get to do the Joe Rogan.

You get to meet Joe Rogan and Joe Richard.

Wow.

Bro, that's crazy, bro.

You will have to show him your your dick.

You think about your dick being hard, and it's like, this is something that, you know, your penis is like, it goes into your body.

You know, because we always think about it, it's like it's this thing outside of your body, but it goes into your body.

And it's like, what's what's it fucking doing in there?

Mm-hmm.

You know?

Yep.

Anyways.

So if you want to, if you like the Joe Rogan.

No, that's a very good point, Joe.

For any ever.

I have often said that your penis is something that is inside your body.

If we had, if we possibly Medicare for all, you wouldn't have to pay anything for Bluetooth.

It would be sent to you directly to your house in discrete packaging for free.

That blows my fucking mind.

That's crazy.

Yeah, so if you want to get your dick hard as fuck, as hard as Dylan's is fucking.

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I know as long as we're on it, I guess, like, so what's the the deal with the movie?

When can we see it?

When is it out?

So, it's killerraccoons2.com, formerly known as Coons.

Formerly known as Coons.

Coons 2.

Bandits of the Night.

It was

Electric Boogaloo.

But KillerRaccoonstu.com, we have a

website that will have our tour dates.

Me and Travis are taking on a roadshow to either comedy clubs or movie theaters.

Adam will be tweeting out all those links.

But the

watch this space.

Watch Adam's Twitter.

He'll be tweeting out all those links.

Watch the Space.

Live Light.

Yeah.

Or else.

But we're starting at Columbus at Studio 35 at the theater, but we'll be doing two shows in Brooklyn: one at Film Noor, which is on Meseral over here.

And then we're doing one at Nighthawk in Prospect Park.

That's right.

That's cool.

Oh, the old Nighthawk.

The one that's Pavilion that turned into Nighthawk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they're much cheaper than Nighthawk Williamsburg.

Have you ever been there?

It's nice.

It's nice.

It's substantially nicer than the Williamsburg Nighthawk.

Same idea.

Like table service, drinks, but it's all new and updated.

Oh, cool.

So it's nice.

It's pretty reasonably priced.

But the.

They'll give you a head.

You know, I really like.

I miss.

I went to like, I've been to a couple of just old shitty movie theaters recently.

Like, once with not even auditorium seating, that flat shit.

Oh, yeah.

Where it's like the fucking

ads before the movie are static images that are being on like diner menus.

Dude, yeah.

You know,

Lorenzo's fucking detailing service.

Advertising the movie movie theater, and it's like they're great.

Yeah, it's like cozy, it's like you're getting bed bugs, but you don't care.

You're with like people who just, you know,

they're talking, you're talking to them, they're getting angry.

You know, it's like it's great.

They're jacking off, they're masturbating.

And you're like, are you a big fan of the Coons series?

I was like, the fuck?

I'm like, I'm sorry, Louis Gomez dared me to say it to you.

Louis Jay Gomez, who's my friend who's sitting somewhere in this theater, I can't tell.

I went to see Parasite in a theater like that in Portland.

You saw people like that.

It was good as hell.

I want to see it so bad.

It's so good.

They just followed Adam around with the camera.

Yeah.

For six months.

It's like,

Nick can't kill himself, so I can keep earning it.

I like making my own dashi at home because,

I mean, because once you have,

if you have rice without dashi after having it with a dashi, oh, oh.

Ugh.

All you need is a kombu and a bonita flake.

Sorry, Adam.

That's it.

You can make it in 10 minutes.

Your breathy sighing has destroyed all of the mics.

The lab mics have been

rusted from all of your breathy exasperations.

Well, they're stuck together because of the air.

The aired.

What am I looking for?

What's vaporized?

Are you still making shit, Japanese shit?

No, I haven't.

That's all I wanted to know.

No.

Kind of when you're in a family of one, you don't really get to.

What are you talking about?

I've cooked for myself all the time when I was alone.

I make smaller meals.

In fact, when I'm in a relationship, I'm less inclined to cook because it's like

you have to make them out of the way.

Yeah, well, then they got to eat the shit.

And it's like...

Yeah, fuck you.

Just fuck off.

Fuck you.

Just get the fuck out of here.

Get out of my house.

Get the fuck out, bitch.

I'm making macaroni.

I'm making mac and cheese.

My mac and cheese.

Mac and cheese with hot sauce.

Hot beef in it, bitch.

That's like one of my favorite meals.

It's the best.

Yeah, hot sauce.

Tried mac and cheese with tuna and hot sauce.

It's not bad.

Spicy tuna.

That sounds gross.

That's good.

I actually made on giri the other night.

Well, really?

It's like the cheese and the tuna's.

Why do you think I made it?

So you can say that out loud.

I had to open my windows and be like, just in case anybody was wondering what the smell is,

I'm making Onigiri.

Just in case you were wondering,

it's Onigiri, Onigiri,

it's a Japanese meal.

It's Japanese.

You're not allowed to get mad at me.

It's like it's not delivery, it's Dijorno series of commercials.

Somebody's like, what's that?

It's Onagiri.

And the black guy's like, what the hell?

And it's like, no, it's Onigiri.

It's Japanese.

So that's like on the bottom of the screen.

No, it's Onigiri.

No, he said Onigiri.

The Japanese guy's just still pissed.

Or the black guy,

whatever.

You're just wearing a kimono?

I'm wearing a kimono.

Ultimate outfit is a Ronin kimono,

chainmail.

Yes.

Adventurers Panama house.

Correct.

Pipe.

Correct.

Kind of like a cultural mashup.

Yeah.

The deadliest warriors.

The coolest types.

What kind of shoes are we broken with?

What kind of shoes?

Probably the gladiator sandwich.

I don't know.

The Mexican cartel Zeta boots.

Like the Wizard of Oz.

Yes, sir.

I love it.

What's your weapon of choice there?

Persuasion.

Coercion and persuasion.

Magic.

Just waving your hands in front of dangerous motherfuckers.

They're beating the fuck up.

I just get on the bus and I don't pay and I look over to somebody.

I'm like, they think I'm retarded.

That's beautiful, brother.

Yeah.

The ultimate outfit.

Absolutely beautiful.

So people are going to show up to the live show now wearing that.

Oh, yeah.

Remember when you said it was the ultimate outfit?

I'm like, no, I don't.

No.

I really don't remember shit about

this gay ass show.

Comic-Conning, the live show.

Oh, when I was at Boylan,

there was a bootleg Comic-Con.

I rode the elevator with a family of cosplayers, and let me just tell you, it did not smell good.

Oh, they were.

It smelled like musty-ass pussy hole.

Oh, like, yeah.

The family did?

The whole family smelled like that.

Like the Aristocrats family?

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

It was them.

They were literally like a family of just fat-ass Sailor Moons.

They were all Sailor Moons.

That's awful to raise your kids that way.

It was weird, man.

To see a family was weird.

It's a full moon.

It's like how Renfest kids in high school smelled bad, too.

Yes.

Yeah.

And they all had frizzy ass, long-ass hair.

Yeah.

The men and the women.

I'm glad I don't smell, because if I could, I would.

You know,

I would smell so fucking bad.

Smell horrible.

If it was possible for me to smell,

damn.

It's an automatic don't talk to me.

Kinda, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like better than wearing headphones.

Yeah, I've never worn deodorant, and I wouldn't.

You've never worn deodorant.

I mean, once or twice, but there's no reason to.

I just don't.

Where are we at?

35.

Okay.

Oh, baby, I love kitchen.

Yeah, no, I just don't.

I just don't.

You'll smell at all?

No, I mean, I will.

If I like don't change my clothes and I, like, work for, like, three days, eventually I'll smell.

Like, but you have to, like, really get in there.

Wow, that's impressive.

I guess I'm just, like, chronically dehydrated, so I don't sweat, really.

Wow,

and then I like piss red.

I don't smell that.

That's not bad when my balls go out.

No, they don't.

After not shaving for a couple days.

After not shaving.

After you're not shaving your pussy, it doesn't smell like a bad body.

My balls, my underballs.

My pussy balls.

Your balls smell worse when you're in heat.

Yeah.

I believe

there's nothing you can do about that.

Yeah, my balls don't smell bad, though.

I mean, they do smell bad.

Well, there's a smell, though.

They smell like, people are going to call me a liar, but it's like freshly cut grass.

You've said it before, and I did, and I did call you a liar, and I will again.

Kettle corn.

And I stand by that.

I stand by it.

That's why that's your favorite.

I've made women try it, and they're like, I guess you're right.

And then it's like, I guess you're right.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make dinner for myself.

You've had your meal.

Now,

the feast of a thousand cultures.

Tuna from Japan.

Tuna.

Tuna Spicy from Mexico.

Macaroni from the continent and cheese as the African warriors would enjoy.

Just wearing that outfit with your balls hanging out.

Mom's like,

could you give me my gloves back?

I'm like, mom, I'm going to be late for work.

I need to make my Japanese,

my tour of the world breakfast before going to GameStop.

It's casual Wednesday.

They said I could dress like this.

Fuck you.

Damn.

Maybe I should.

What you thought about GameStop, I thought about for a while, but at a grocery store, so that I would get specifically.

You just want more food?

Specifically, the deli section.

You just want more food.

Oh my gosh, you steal little slices off the bottom.

Or the butcher, but be a butcher, get fucking fucking ribe eyes and shit.

It'd be funny if you worked at a grocery store and got fired day one for something.

Because whoever hired you, like, you're like, can we take some of the meats?

They're like, yeah, of course.

You know, you got to have one, yeah, a little bit.

And then you're immediately eating half the case.

Just thought of the day.

There's a bite.

You wouldn't even do it that way.

You would just snack way too much.

You take one little piece, and then maybe like another one 20 seconds later.

In your mind, you're doing it every 30 minutes.

like veto working.

100%

lunchtime, you're just like, ooh, let me, I'll just try this.

Let's take a little try.

I've never had peppercorn beef.

Salsolito.

Yeah.

What is this?

It's cheddar.

What makes it sharp?

Let me see if I'll unsharp it.

It didn't taste sharp.

It didn't taste.

Now I'll go back to the other one and see.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

There's a line out the door.

I'm trying, like, without with my eyes closed to match up every kind of cheese with what they gave me.

I'm doing the Pepsi.

Me and some of the customers are doing the Pepsi taste challenge in the back.

No, I thought it would be a fun thing for the customers if we did the honeygram.

Well, I'm doing it first to get all the kinks out myself.

I saw a tennis gram flavor called Outdoor Adventure yesterday, and the bear has got like a

net and

an explorer outfit on.

But they're like butterflies and stuff.

And it's like, this is just for eating inside.

Yeah.

The kids will be like, oh, it's exercise.

It's your dick works flavored.

Yeah.

Guess who doesn't have tits?

Graham crackers.

Also, what does that taste like, though?

I don't know.

It tastes like butterflies.

We should get a little box.

You're like, no, I work in the deli.

What are your kids and customers ask?

I want

I need a wide breadth of knowledge.

Look, do you want me to be 100% committed to customer service or not?

Because otherwise, I'm going to have to go through this store and have direct-hand knowledge.

Of the productel.

The product.

I just show up.

I'm now even working.

I'm just eating.

I'm just with a notebook.

Pretty good.

Yeah.

I'm from the newspaper.

I'm doing a review.

Y'all take it easy.

I'm going to sleep here tonight.

Yeah.

No, I got nothing.

Do I just take boxes with me?

I'm like, I'm taking some work home to finish up.

I got to do a fight with my mom.

Well, when I worked at Domino's, they're going to do take-home pizzas, so I'm going to take home some of the cash register.

Stop, have you ever had a fantasy of

being locked in a supermarket overnight?

Not a supermarket.

Like a night at the museum situation.

No.

A restaurant?

A restaurant now.

We're talking.

Yeah.

I get all night to whip up with you.

All night.

You have a a sleeping bag.

No, you're cooking with gas.

That would fucking rock.

But like a grocery store has like everything a restaurant has on it, right?

No, they don't have like the burners and shit.

They don't have like that.

Stav needs an internet.

It's like a strill kitchen.

Okay.

Absolutely.

Like a full commercial kitchen for you to enjoy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For you to enjoy an evening.

Of course.

You can't use the shitty grocery.

Yeah, you want me to use it?

They got things locked in.

They're going to get food for delis.

Yeah, they got some sort of stuff.

That's true.

That's true.

I'm talking about a grocery store that has a deli section.

No, you're right about that.

Like they cook the bars.

If the heart is in the back,

where is it in the back of a restaurant?

We got to go to Wegmans sometime.

Wegmans is good.

I don't see if it's good.

Wegmans is good.

They just opened it up in Brooklyn.

Oh, the new one is new.

Everybody's shitting their pants over Wegmans, and it's like, what do they got?

Milk?

I hear it's not that

much.

It is just

a good thing.

Well, for it should be that good.

But the thing is, it's not going to be good in New York because they don't have the real estate.

Like, what makes Wegmans crazy in fucking Owings Mills, Maryland, is that they have like, you know, the same amount of of square footage as an entire mall.

Oh, it's huge.

It's in the Navy yard.

Really?

It's like by the production studios and stuff.

Interesting.

Like, yeah.

Do they have that big angle?

What happened to the Navy?

They were just like, yeah, we don't give a shit.

We give up on Brooklyn.

Fuck New York.

They're like, we're going to Virginia.

Brooklyn is a game.

The cost of staying there, I assume.

It's the federal government.

The government can do whatever the fuck they want.

Yeah, they do whatever they want.

Yeah, but they probably make more land.

But they probably make more money off the land not having the military.

I do like that they tighten.

The military is just an expense.

But how much could they possibly be making?

Well, the trunks are.

Well, I mean, we know they're spending a lot.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, the Navy isn't there anymore.

That's why they call it that.

Yeah, it was once a Navy.

Yeah, they turned all the armories into homeless shelters.

Then one over on fucking Atlantic and Bedford.

They look so cool from the outside.

Yeah.

They look like castles.

And yeah, just a bum coming out of there like a king.

A good day to you, sirs.

Good day,

Naryland.

I seem to

fixing to shoot some dope into my scepter if you catch my drift.

I mean, my penis.

I mean, I'm going to shoot dope into my dick.

That would hurt, wouldn't it?

There's a vein on the top.

I imagine it'd be very sensitive.

The first time you use that dick vein for heroin, though, must be awesome.

Yeah.

But then you ruin your cock, but that one time.

Would you ruin it?

I think so.

I mean, you don't ruin your arm if you shoot one time.

Like, you might have track marks.

Yeah, but you ruin the beautiful aesthetic value.

Yeah, you shoot up enough if you fucking,

your vein can only take so much stress before it collapses.

Oh, my God.

So then you could imagine.

I couldn't imagine.

Yeah.

No, it's funny.

I had friends that were junkies, and after a couple of years, their arms, they get like edema in their arms.

And then they just look like

cookie monster.

Where they have glue.

They just have these fat arms that hang forward.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, so they're just like these big monster paws.

Oh, so funny.

I don't know.

I think it looks kind of cool.

No, dude, I don't want that with my cock.

I want my cock to spring back into action when it's getting sucked.

Well, maybe just a little heroin and then a tiny little bit of blue chew.

Yeah.

We'll balance it out, you know?

That's true.

A speed ball.

That's my kind of speed ball.

Heroin and blue chew.

A cock speed ball.

A speedy cock.

Well, I'll tell you what.

If you want to buy heroin, you're going to need some money.

That's right.

What are you going to do?

Earn it at a job like a bitch?

No, you're you're going to keep it in a wallet oh okay

oh

yeah

all right that one yeah

there's uh there's a special type of wallet you can get that's just for shooting heroin into the tip of your into the ridge

the ridge wallet is specially designed for guys that love

banging dope right

into their four their foreskin cocks yep uh-huh yeah oh that's right.

You guys have scarred up cocks.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say it's a scar.

Yeah, it is.

It's disgusting.

It's disgusting, Adam.

I regrew my foreskin, so me and Stav are friends now.

I love that.

We're good friends.

Welcome, brother.

Yeah.

Welcome to the team.

Yeah, I regrew.

I had my penis.

I had it about an inch removed from the middle so that the head could talk in the grave.

Could talk in there.

That sounds awesome.

Yeah.

Does your scar on your dick look like bite marks also?

No.

No, you got your cock bitten by a rabbit.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, for sure.

Your moil did it with his teeth.

That was the.

No, you don't do jokes.

No, we do them.

We do the jokes.

We do the jokes.

So, how about you ask a real person?

Adam meant that.

I did immediately say, no, it's because.

No, dude, you didn't even know.

You didn't even think about that.

That wasn't on.

Come on, bro.

You know that my foreskin wasn't bitten off.

Yeah, it was bitten off.

That's why you're not allowed to use the Ridge wallet.

It's not true.

I have one and it changed my wallet.

You have to use the old wallet that everybody's grandma or ex-girlfriends give them.

That's right.

Remember that?

Your dumb bitch ex-girlfriend that just gets you shit wallets.

Shit from the.

That's it.

Girls always do that.

They're like, oh, let's exchange gifts.

And it's like, I don't want to exchange a fucking gift.

Fine, I'll get you a gift.

And then you spend all day like getting a nice gift.

And then it's just some shit from the like, what are those, like rotundas?

Those things that just like

sunglasses.

like a postcard.

There's carousels, yeah.

You know, it's like, oh, thanks.

A keychain Swiss army knife.

You fucking bitch.

You bitch.

That's why you don't get anything.

It's tunicasserole, man.

You're not getting any of this.

Why don't you give me something other than an Eddie Bauer spatula?

Let's go snip these grassy balls, man.

The smell of labor.

I've had exes get me like little gifts a lot.

You have exes buy you gifts?

No, no, no.

Like when we were dating.

No, oh, no.

I'm talking about ex-girlfriends buy the big old leather wallet.

You probably have a leather wallet, right?

You feel like an idiot, huh?

Hold on, let's look at this thing.

Wow, look at him as a fucking stupid, pathetic honking.

Doesn't your ass go numb?

It's like a Costanza.

I tell you what, and you hate it, don't you?

Yeah, I don't know.

I fucking hate it.

Yeah, it's too big.

How we got this fucking sponsor.

How we got the sponsors?

I had one of those, and I just wanted another wallet because it got too loose, and the credit cards were falling out.

That's what's happened in the mindset.

This company sponsored.

They're all over the place.

This company really

sponsored the podcast.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got a hotel.

You're going to get a wallet, my friend.

It showed up, and I'm like,

this is the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Okay.

I was like, this is the stupidest fucking wallet I've ever seen.

Yep.

It comes with a screwdriver in case you want to

add your own attachments, which I guess if you're like, I don't know, you pretend you're in the military.

I like modding it out.

Yeah, yeah.

You can add it.

But I didn't replace it.

I was like, all right, I'm going to use this thing for a week and then just go buy a leather wallet.

For clubbing.

And now it's like, this is great.

This is for it.

This is the best wallet I've ever had.

But honestly.

Yeah, I believe you.

It looks a little rigid.

Is that like, do you stick that in your back pocket?

No, it's a front pocket wallet.

Front pocket wallet.

Just push your shit out.

And it's like, you know, like, look, credit card is, that's the one I use all the time.

So that's right there.

That's in the front.

If I want my ID, it's like right there.

Metro guides.

It's very easy to get to.

It doesn't look like it would be at first, but you get used to it.

And then it's like, yeah, I don't want another wallet now.

You also don't have a bunch of fucking receipts and bullshit, you know, floating around.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, absolutely.

But I like, my problem is, I always, I'm going to feel weird not having it in my back pocket.

Yeah.

You can feel it in your pocket.

And also, you have like so many sandwich club cards and shit in there that, like, you know, you'll never use again.

Only a few.

Yeah.

Well, try it out.

They also got fucking phone cases and shit.

Yeah, we'll give you one.

Whoa, wait, wait.

No, I mean,

let's fast forward.

I got the

thousands of people.

I already took a carbon fiber one for myself because it's an importer.

Military grade.

As an import tuner,

I need

carbon fiber gear so I'm faster behind the wheel.

When you're talking about, when I'm shaving fucking microseconds off my quarter mile, it's a drag, professional dragon.

And you have your wallet in your pocket.

Every pound.

I throw up before I get in that car and I get myself bled by a Revolutionary War reenactivist.

I have all the blood trees.

It's all over your ashes.

I go in that car fucking 86 pounds.

And we're talking.

No bone marrow.

Yeah.

And

when that clock stops at the end and it says 16.97 seconds, you know, I got the best fucking Toyota Turcell

in the business.

They say, why?

It's because this is carbon fiber wall.

They got aluminum, they got fucking steel, and then

I don't know, some other fucking materials.

Other popular metal types.

Yeah, titanium.

You got tungsten carbide?

Titanium, carbon fiber, and aluminum.

Oh, yeah.

Light bulbs.

They got light bulbs.

It's like

that dark metal.

I don't know.

I think a little bit of a damage.

You see these a lot on that subreddit everyday carry.

Oh, yeah, which is very funny because it's always like a wallet like this and then a gun.

And then like Ernest Hemingway's stopwatch.

It's like, what are you doing?

Yeah.

Where are you going?

I hope someone.

I hope

that would be justified if every couple of days somebody was like, oh, hey, guys, Bert was shot to death

while checking in as manager of the radio shack.

Another Everyday Carry guy came in and beat him in a duel.

And

he was murdered.

Is Everyday Carry motherfuckers that have guns?

It's people that have carry.

It's like their loadout, their gear for the day.

But anytime the word carry is thrown in there, it usually has to do with guns.

I would imagine.

But the word carry is like synonymous with it now.

We're all packing.

We don't talk about this on the show.

Yeah.

But we all have a gun on me.

We all know if Adam always had a gun.

I have a gun under my body.

I've had a gun on me for the last last three years.

That would be so awesome if you just brandished it one time.

There was one day where I

just put a gun in his mouth.

I don't take it anymore.

One of the episodes we deleted was you did that.

Yeah.

And I was like, it got kind of weird.

The podcast is going to be late.

It's my fault.

I don't like it as a joke.

I bought a handgun when I was 17.

Whoa.

And I got pulled over on my way home after my.

Really?

Yeah.

Cop, like I was speeding.

Cop, like, you had that new gun company.

Yeah, cop got out of the car, gun drawn, pulled me out.

I thought, like, he knew something that I didn't know.

You know, like, I think that's just for speeding.

He just flipped.

No, he's just some fucking suburban police officer that just flipped out on me.

But I had like a, like, a, like, I'm 17.

And I had

a lot of fun.

And you pulled out his ridge wallet and the cop was like, oh, I didn't realize you were military first responsible.

No tickets for you, sir.

I'm on my way to the black elementary school.

The D Lots of Josie.

He's like, oh, you got a gun?

who care to join me?

I could use some backup.

I hear somebody owes a little school lunch debt.

And then we flew the helicopter directly over Tamir Rice's head.

We took a fucking bear cat tank.

We rolled through the fucking gymnasium.

Anyways, there's a lifetime warranty if you love it, and free returns if you don't on the Ridgewall.

It comes in titanium.

I already said that.

So get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns.

So we're talking America, India, fucking Uzbek, Kazakhstan,

the country of Africa, everywhere except Israel,

which I'm sure they ship to.

But if you're listening and you're in Israel, please just, you know, maybe go find another one.

Use a different code.

Just look at the analytics.

You guys get enough deals.

Why can't they pay full prize for once in your life?

Just please for once.

Just see what it's like.

Jesus Christ.

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So everybody except people in Israel right now listen.

It's ridge.com slash come town.

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Don't tell the Israeli listeners.

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ridge.com slash come town or use promo code come town temporarily order.

And we're back.

And we're back.

Why didn't you buy a handgun?

I was 17.

And there was a...

You were in Ohio or something?

Yeah, there was a thing called,

there was like a

Swapper's Day type field market thing, or like flea market thing that you can go to, and they just basically, you walk up, you point in a handgun, they're like $150.

Yeah.

It's crazy how cheap guns are.

And I looked like a child at 17.

Like, I was not.

And they were like, boom, you just walk in, walk out,

buy a gun, walk over to the next booth, buy a pack of ammo, and I leave.

There's no name, no background.

Was there a kill somebody?

Was there somebody who wanted to kill him?

My friends had a bunch of property, and we would do like target shooting and stuff like that.

And I just wanted to own a gun because I could.

I pretty much can argue for always committing a crime without consequence.

Like, especially when I was younger.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, if you were like, you can rob a bank, but you're not going to go to jail.

I'm like, I'm going to do it.

Yeah, of course.

Like,

that idea.

So just buying a gun is is i agree with that i shouldn't be doing this but i can so i'm going to and the cop did not find out you had a gun no no thank my brother was my brother was riding shotgun 14 holding it in his hand when we got pulled over looking at it and he like just stuck it under his seat but the cop pulled his gun on me pulled us out i was just going 82 and a 65.

like yeah

he didn't see you buy the gun and then no no i bought the gun like 15 miles away and he just had he yeah he he late he like radar me and pulled and the gun was in a paper bag too it was in a it was in a it was in a box sort of more like an iPhone.

Oh, no, yeah.

Where you

lift up a box, and it's got a little cushion thing around it.

And it was like a little PP7, looking like James Bond's 380,

like eight in the clip, little gun.

Yeah.

I like that.

A ladies gun.

Yeah.

A ladies gun.

They didn't know I had the gun.

Yeah, I guess.

There's no reason to search the car or whatever.

I was 17.

So why did he have to?

There's no way you could be like a black dude and they wouldn't search the car.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, he pulled the gun on me.

That's right.

I had to get out of the car, click click hands up, walk over.

Every white guy's a story.

He's like, Yeah, I was drunk and I was doing 200 and a 25.

I told him I was late to my grandmother's funeral.

I couldn't find my clothes before I left the house, so I just taped a bunch of guns to my body.

I was wearing my gun suit.

Yeah, the cop, I guess we were both named Bryce.

So he was like,

You can go.

Yeah, yes, yeah.

I got it, man.

Relax.

Yeah.

Adam's panicking because the early bird special at...

What do you have going on?

We have a show.

We host a show, like a weekly.

A weekly, like Stand-up show?

Stand-up show.

Yes.

Awesome.

You just do it.

I don't know if you're doing stand-up anymore.

But also, to Nick's point, there is the early bird special at Bergheim Bagel.

I'm just going to get over to Bergen Bagels to get to.

Bergheim bagels.

Bergheim bagels.

Yeah.

They were just shitting themselves over there.

I'd never want to go there.

It sounds so scary.

Yeah, there's a guy apparently who just goes, he's just in the bathroom all night next to the urinals with his mouth open.

They call the human urinal.

That's you.

Wait, you just described what you do?

I've never been to Bergheim, but that's probably, you know, when in Rome, you got to piss in that guy's mouth.

Yeah.

Would you piss in his mouth?

I mean, just for the experience.

If he's getting horny and you piss in his mouth, was that gay?

Did you have a chance?

He didn't touch my dick.

He didn't touch my dick.

It's not all about 10.

No, it's not touching.

You just said you would.

On the record.

On the record.

All right, fine.

I'll piss in his mouth.

And I'll put it on the Patreon for the fans.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

Can you show pornography on Patreon?

I assume it's like a lot of cam girls and stuff have.

No, they got kicked off.

Yeah.

It's got to be like erotic art or something.

Well,

I'm launching an OnlyFans pretty soon.

Yeah.

I thought about that, but it was only going to be pictures of my balls.

See how much money I can get from it.

Because I used to pay attention to that shit, but then it's like, well, what'll happen?

We get kicked off Patreon.

Who gives a shit?

I already bought Luigi's Mansion.

Yeah.

We reached the end of the journey.

I made $60 to purchase the video game.

There's nothing you can take from that.

The man is bulletproof, folks.

The fucking Nintendo comes, they're like, We are taking the game back from you.

That's not what I sound like.

Yes, it is.

It's more sonorous.

You're right.

It's like this.

No.

No.

Silence!

I sound like this, but I'm also gay.

For the record,

you goddamn Japanese.

Priso give us the gimbal

over my gay, dead penis.

Give it back.

Give it the gimbal.

A giveaway back.

Agive.

Agive Gimmeberg.

Yeah, they talk pretty stupid.

Yep.

Yeah, pretty dumb way of talking.

Pretty dumb and dumby.

I like it.

If you think about it,

they're stupid people.

When I say it, it's out of respect.

I think they're incredibly stupid.

Yeah, I say it like a Dominican lady.

Like, you stupid.

Oh, right.

Oh, like, flirty.

You stupid.

Like you're trying to have sex with them.

I love that.

You stupid.

No one's ever said that to you.

Yeah.

A lot of the time, Spanish ladies are calling me stupid.

No, they're not.

Yes, they are.

Did they this weekend in Miami?

Yeah, constantly.

No.

Yeah, I went to a mega club

in Miami, and

a bunch of women were calling me stupid.

Stoopy, though.

Yeah.

Telling me that

I had one of the nicest bodies in Miami.

Really?

Yeah, you got one of the guys.

I said good body.

Yeah, me and my friend met a couple chongas, and

we asked them if they wanted a chicken fight.

on our shoulders.

Right, of course.

As we can feel their going down.

She could feel their pussies on your neck.

Yeah, and that's I'm going to count that as sex.

That's if

sex.

If she has to readjust and you kind of can feel the different parts of her pussy.

If you can't feel which part of her pussy is on your neck,

it doesn't count.

Well, that's honestly why I don't do a lot of neck exercises, is so that I can fish

my thin neck between the pussy lips of

a chonga down on South Beach.

What's chunga?

Chonga is like a ratchet cubic girl.

Ooh, I'm trying to get sucked off by a chunga.

By a chunga.

Yeah.

I'm trying to have a fucking.

I'm trying to have some fucking.

What the fuck do they eat?

Chunchurones.

Chuncho.

Chicharones.

No, they eatros.

I'm going to start calling the police on those churro ones.

No, don't, dude.

They're nice.

Nick's a principled man, dude.

He believes in the rule of law.

Did you see that video that churro later?

He believes in regulation above all.

Oh, no permits?

Yeah.

Some of the churros, those bastards.

Fucking whores.

Pay that's

slain.

I don't give it.

I mean, what are the taxes on that fucking business?

The $3 a year.

I mean, yeah, in general, pay your fucking taxes.

That's the thing.

Like, sex workers do that shit.

Dude, I don't get why sex workers are all communists now because, from my experience, they're pretty libertarian.

Oh, yeah.

They like hate paying their taxes.

What?

That is what I said.

Well, I mean, they're trying to brand as communist or socialists now.

I was saying you shouldn't be you shouldn't be able to call yourself a sex worker unless you've been arrested for prostitution.

I don't know about that.

What do you mean?

Because it's like...

That would be a sex criminal.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you've been struck criminal.

You don't earn flower enough being a sex criminal.

Would you not be a drug dealer if you hadn't been arrested?

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

If you're like, yeah, I'm a hustler or whatever, and you're like just some fucking like white guy that sells weed to his friends occasionally.

It's like, yeah, you're not really.

So technically, Bill Clinton not a pedophile because he was never arrested for it.

Well, no.

I mean, it works the opposite for pedophiles.

Why?

If you have been arrested for it, you're a dog shit pedophile.

Yeah, you're trash.

Yeah, the real

you lose your license.

Yeah.

Also, I don't think Bill Gates would call himself a pedophile.

To be quite clear, I mean, if you put it this way, I don't think he's going around saying I am a pedophile.

I don't care that I have a pedophile.

I'm a fucking pedophile, and I'm proud.

Pedophile pride, baby.

Shouts out to Billy Gates.

Billy the Kid.

Heritage not hate.

Heritage not hate.

Sucking dick or whatever.

What week is today?

Ooh, this weekend, guys, listen.

I'm going to need you to come buy tickets to see me in Atlanta on the 23rd.

Hot Atlanta.

Saturday.

Hot Atlanta, brother.

And Nashville on the 24th.

Buy them motherfucking tickets, baby.

And then also Baltimore on Thanksgiving weekend, the 29th and the 30th.

And then Houston on the 13th.

And I'm trying to add some shit in Texas, but I don't know if it's going to work.

Also, funny moms is we have one next week and then I'm thinking we'll probably just be doing two next month

because of the holidays Philadelphia on 12 12

Cleveland January 4th doing San Francisco the 6th of January

for the pride

these aren't real guys December 9th there's so many guys there's a viral marketing campaign you gotta follow them you gotta check the target website at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Nick's trying to disorient

the Stavros to get 20 other cities and dates.

Are you touring with those?

Hopefully, not.

Hopefully, never.

We hate it.

That would honestly be awesome if we never did one again.

Yeah,

I'm a clothier now.

I've restocked the store and everything sold out almost immediately.

Beautiful.

I have some things left if you want to go to come.town and pick up a shirt, maybe a holiday gift for an estranged lover.

Oh, and by the way, Stopby Baby calendars are on the way.

Oh, for 2020.

We're doing the final mock-ups.

We're getting prints ready.

They're just Democratic nominees with your body.

Absolutely.

I'm doing a lot of fucking Kamala Harris stuff.

Man, I'm so happy that she's just losing.

I know.

She sucks.

She tried to do the Hillary shit.

Well, she hired all Hillary's campaign staff.

The biggest losers immediately after gloating that she's like, I'm a front-runner candidate.

To like about Tulsi Gabbard calling her out for putting black people in jail.

It's like, first of all, I'm a front-runner candidate.

Immediately polling at fucking

3-1%.

Yeah.

They put out a poll that said Pete was like way ahead in Iowa.

But did you see that?

Half of the respondents were Republicans.

Yeah, that was

not

prospective voters.

Pete's data is fucking.

That thing about

South Carolina, like 400 black fucking South Carolina.

Nothing is sad.

And they're weird.

They didn't exist.

Half of them were white.

42% were white people.

And then most of them, like the bigger names on there, were like the media asked them.

They're like, I never endorsed him.

Yeah.

I never did.

And they sent out an email to everybody on that list saying, like, you can choose to opt out of saying you endorsed Pete by responsibility.

Oh, it's like, if you don't respond, you endorse.

Which is some Lionel Hutz shit.

That's crazy.

No.

Money down.

That's Dan Ninan shit.

That's like sociopathic.

Yeah, he bought Bernie Sanders.com, but with the fucking

one of the I's is an L.

Yeah.

And it's like,

Dan Ninan did that too.

What's his name?

I want to buy Indian RussellPeters.com and redirect it to Dan Ninan's website.

I'm looking for the Indian version of Russell Peters.

Oh, mate.

I'm fucking gay, mate.

I'm gay, mate.

All right, folks.

That's the show.

That's going to do it.

Thanks so much for coming.

We'll plug the live dates when you have them.

Do you have any live dates actually lined up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Throw them out for you.

Throw them out there again.

Yeah, November 29th, we start in Columbus.

Then we go to Pittsburgh.

And then we're trying to book Philly and D.C.

right now, still finding a theater.

We're in Brooklyn, 12-4, 12-5, Burlington, Vermont, 12-6.

Montreal, 12-7, Chicago, 12-10.

Hell yeah.

And then we're like Asheville, Knoxville, and Nashville.

Phills, baby.

18-19-20.

Hell yeah.

But it's killerraccoons.com.

Ron Jeremy's in the movie.

Hell yeah.

A bunch of other great comedians.

Do you see his cock?

You don't.

No.

It probably costs a lot of money to get him to Flash Cock.

I assume he's real cheap to not do Flash Cock.

He's real cheap to not do Flash Cock.

So we have him playing a general

in the bunker room.

Oh,

and there's a bunch of really great comedians that have like Nick Vadara, James Adoni, Nick Turner, Jason Signs.

We have a lot of great cameos throughout, a lot of good actors that did it.

It's a fun, like, there's great, it's a big, like, comedy movie.

It's a big comedy movie.

Those guys are hilarious.

Yeah.

They fuck with all those guys.

Yeah, they're all good people.

They all worked for nothing to help us make it happen.

And

it's a fun movie that's like

completely, you know, the worst movie ever.

We'll be in the third one, man.

As long as we're in there's tits.

Yeah,

there are, there are some.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah, we had to make sure.

It's rated R.

Nice.

Sick.

Next time, NC17.

We'll go.

We're doing a.

It'll be Alien 3 parody next time, so we can get a little weirder in space.

I love it.

How about NC

8, where it's like, there's sex in it, but we want nine-year-olds to see it.

Yep.

It's just the Fucks.

Yeah, I came up moan raiding for the motherfucking

hardcore pornography.

There's a video of me

showing my penis when it's NC5.

I don't want innocent five-year-olds seeing, but those fucking horny six-year-olds.

NC5 to nine, I'd say.

All right, well, with that idea, everyone, we're going to leave you.

So, think about that for a while.

What if it's NC9 or 8 or whatever?

Bye, bitch.

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Every now and then I rinse it out.

And I need to be rinse tonight.

I need it more.

I can't put the bed and the smell never means.

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The sweating deck shore smells like a dark bar.

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