Ep. 166 – Medicare for Balls

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Well, as you know as promised I will be playing Super Mario Odyssey

People have been dying for the review of a game that came out three years ago.

Have you gotten to New Donk City?

Yeah,

it's pretty cool.

Is that where they got big ass?

They got big asses.

Yeah,

everyone's got just kicked up.

What do we got?

We got Peach, we got Daisy.

Uh-huh.

Who's the bitch?

Who's the other bitch?

That plays...

Wow.

I only know from Mario Tennis.

Bowser?

Huh?

It's Wild.

Waluigi?

Wild girl.

No, no, no.

She's like a...

Yeah, they should have a...

She's like magical.

They should have a weird Peach

Waluigi.

Rosalina.

Rosalina.

She probably has the best pussy.

Why is that?

I don't know.

There's something mysterious about her.

Honestly, you know what?

She might not, but it's the false hope of potential.

She's from the other, the last one.

Since I know the least about her, Super Mario Galaxy.

She's so mysterious that her pussy could be anything.

You think Mario's just chasing pussy the whole game?

Mario's just in space.

And never actually getting laid?

He's just fucking around.

He's been fucking around in space for the last couple of.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, there's paper, Mario.

You guys ever play Mario Sunshine?

That shit was fun.

Mario Sunshine was good, yeah.

I love that one.

That was probably the best one.

Yeah, because you would like...

That's the one where you would...

or is that that's the one where you would like clean shit, right?

Yeah, I see.

Now that I have a beard, you've decided to huh?

You've decided to go full pencil.

Yeah, I tried it today.

Now that I have a full beard, yeah, we're switching shit up.

Move in on that shit.

Well, I over-trimmed one side, and I was like, time to try it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, yeah, I'm going very thin mustache.

It looks good.

Thank you, Adam.

Yeah.

It compliments your face.

Thank you.

You kind of look like Confederacy of Dunces.

I'm trying to look like regular Confederacy.

I know.

You look like a

Stonewall Jackson or something.

Suckwall.

That's the move.

I'm not going to shave for it.

Stonewall Jackson, but it's Stonewall the Game Ball.

Yeah, it looks like it.

In six months.

Yeah?

Six months?

Six months not shaving.

Okay.

Probably pretty bad.

Yeah, horrible.

Yeah, it's like when I grew my hair out to be long because I wanted to see if it looked good, and then it just got to a point where it was like, oh, it just wasn't ever going to look good.

It stops here.

You look like a fucking housewife.

Yeah.

I got a Bob haircut.

Yeah.

I got the picture.

I'd have to get with the Bob.

I was getting pussed, dude.

I've really overachieved in my life through some really ugly phases.

With the Bob, dude.

Well, you're in the exact right market for you to get pussy.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't get pussy anywhere else other than the five boroughs.

Absolutely not.

Actually, probably not in Staten Island.

No way.

Epstein's Island is one of the boroughs.

What?

Jeffrey Epstein's Island.

Yeah, so I'd say Manhattan.

You trade Staten Island for Little St.

James.

Little St.

James and Brooklyn.

The sixth borough, Little Stamps, Queens.

That should be incorporated in the city.

Yeah, parts of Queens, maybe.

Parts of Queens.

Probably Corona, Flushing, Jackson Heights.

It is funny.

Helmhurst.

It's like Rikers.

Rikers is like the opposite of a pedophile island.

Oh, yeah.

She's like, you're forced to fuck grown men.

Yeah.

Imagine how much it's Jeffrey Epstein's got to be like, this is awful.

I had the best pedophile island, and now I have to go to the worst.

Now I'm getting fucked by

I can't believe this.

Wow, this can you believe my luck?

Is he in Rikers yet?

Because I thought the hit happened in Manhattan.

No, the hit happened so that they could replace him with a body double.

So he's gonna show up in court and it's just gonna be a Bulgarian man that looks exactly like Jeffrey Epstein.

It's like Brusnes, she baba bobo, de a gaga.

I did not fuck the kids.

I have job transmission and they are here.

I will go to work on it.

I leave Rigo Park.

It appears Mr.

Hepstein has gone crazy.

He's gone insane.

I live Rigo Park.

I go to Barska Mia, Barshko Miyagra.

I go to work at transmission.

I wake up.

That's a good Rigo Park accent.

They have met me now, prisoner.

It's just some Bosnian man that looks exactly like

this.

Works at a muffler shop that they picked, that the Clintons said their goons pick up

and just buy body doubles.

Hill, you're never going to believe this.

We found a perfect match.

We found a guy.

We got a guy.

Good news.

Jeff's back.

We got Jeffy back.

Just the girl's gone wild still drinking.

I love it.

Yes, yes, 100%.

Island style.

Bong, bong, bong.

Just that Bulgarian guy in prison because they think he's a pedophile, but he has to prove that he's not.

So he just comes out and he's got all those cool Russian prison tattoos.

Every day they try to fuck me

because they think I am a pep steel.

I am Jew.

I am Jewish man.

This is a trick they play.

He's just more more man.

This trick they do every time.

I wake up, I circumcised now.

He's just on the bus.

People are like, what are you talking?

He's like, they tell me in my country that Jew there.

You go New York, Jew, they have Jew.

And the Jew, he tricks you.

You walk transmission shop next to you in prison and they try to fuck you because they think you are Jew.

Fuck baby for blood spirit.

Damn.

Poor guy.

I have to go back to Bosnia.

That dude just caught like a hundred bodies in some sort of ethnic cleanse.

For sure.

Well, he's more mad they're saying he's a Jew than that he's a pedophile.

There's a guy, a plant guy that I bought plants from in the city.

Rikers Island wouldn't be much worse than that guy's regular life.

Oh, yeah.

Rigo part, whatever he's doing.

There's a dude that like sells like plants in the flower district in Manhattan who's like clearly an ex-Serbian war criminal.

Like, you could just tell he's murdered so many people.

Does he have tattoos?

Is he yadded up?

No, but his hands are the biggest hands I've ever seen in my entire life.

Did it make you horny when you saw his hand?

I felt like such a woman.

Did you want to go?

I trembled in his arms.

Trembled.

Vasily, please.

Just for one second.

You are what we call a little girl, yes.

You are a little baby girl vagina, yes.

And I was there, his wife came, and she's like this Jewish New York woman.

Oh, really?

And she had a black eye.

Oh, no.

She was like, you know, he's a very passionate man.

He's an artist.

He has an artist's temperament.

It was like, are you joking?

I don't think she was trying to justify the black eye, but it just, you know, those two things together were like incredible.

Did she say how she got the black eye?

I don't know.

She had like a busted forearm and black eye.

She had like a forearm cast and black eye.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

You know he's an artist.

He was doing some of his interpretive dances, and they got a little out of hand.

I love the idea of that boss hand guy just getting hemmed up,

just being body body switch, yeah,

cut his hair the same way, just being in court saying they got a little hand.

They would have to circumcise him, and it would have to heal quickly.

I don't know how they do it.

Hilary would suck the blood out of herself because she's a kuru, she's human.

Every time I know they do this, I know the Jews do this.

Every time I say, and they say,

Vessel, you're crazy.

You're crazy.

They know the Jew not do this.

And they don't know

how it goes there.

That's why I'm going to start doing an extra step.

I'm going to tattoo not Jewish on my dickhead, on the tip of my dickhead.

So, in case anyone body switches me for a job, then they can just circumvent microlaser etching.

Yes, exactly.

I'm going to get not a Jew etched into my cock.

Yeah.

Just some machine that

writes people's initials on diamonds.

The rice at the fucking boardwalk.

We'll write your name on it.

We'll fly that guy in.

Except he won't need to do that for mine.

Because it'll be easy.

For me, they can use a very, very large knife.

They call me a diamond tip Joe Tiny Dick.

My dick cut a bitch like a diamond.

The smaller it is, the harder it gets, baby.

You ain't need too much blood.

You see, a dick stays hard no matter how big it is.

No, so the smaller it is, it's the same amount of hardness concentrated in a littler dick.

You know what?

I think that's actually probably true.

You have a drink, and it's not true.

I think it's probably harder to get

a massive penis heart.

What do you mean?

I think you need more blood to get a massive heart.

I think at a certain point, maybe there's a tipping point.

I think that the shock is over like nine and it's really fast.

It's probably hard to get harder to get.

Your circulation has to be very good.

Yeah.

Probably that's why

athletes are the best, like tall NBA players, or like certain NFL players, probably the best guys to fuck because they got the good circulation and a huge penis.

Yeah.

But a normal 6'8 guy, eldest 6'6, no way he gets hard.

But he's got a small penis, too.

He does have a small penis, that's true.

He's small seated.

He's got the perfect setup.

He's the perfect man with a little act.

He's the perfect man.

He's my dream man, dude.

Oh, yeah.

He's got the premier setup.

A giant man's blood with a 5'2 fucking Bolivian man's penis.

I'm too tall to go by Dickheart.

It's probably because I'm so tall.

No, Adam.

He has all that blood to draw from, dude.

I know.

He's the perfect dude.

Damn.

So how are you guys doing?

I was gone for a week.

I went to see my family.

I was Vegas.

You know,

there's a grasshopper or locust infestation right now in Vegas.

Cicadas coming back.

I don't

remember them.

I think it's like every

17 years.

11 years?

Oh, yeah, 17 years.

Well, there's different broods.

The one in Maryland is every 17 years.

There's so many years.

I remember that one.

Freshman year high school.

Yeah, Brood X, baby.

Brood X.

I don't know what that's all called.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, I remember leading up to that.

You know, I was probably, what, 15 or 16?

Yeah.

And they're like, yeah, there's going to be bugs everywhere.

And I remember being like, this is going to suck.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Yes.

It's going to be like a biblical microphone.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I was like, what the fuck?

And then they show up and they're so fucking dumb that it's like you can just like whack them out of the sky.

Yeah, it's not a big deal.

That was a huge boon.

I remember going to Baltimore City Public Schools,

cicadas coming around for all the little, short, dark-skinned girls, real problem for them because you had an automatic thing to call them.

All of them got called cicadas

because they were like little fucking black.

You know what I mean?

I can't tell you how many bug eyes.

My sister said that Chinese people are collecting the dead fucks.

No,

which is

for ancient Confucianism.

Just to grind into boner plates.

Laugh at them for being smart about resources.

The earth is a good thing.

They're cooking us to death because they already know the ancient people.

Oh, that's true.

That's why they refuse to fucking cook us.

Because they're emission too much rain this year in Vegas, which is just a

thorough

that people can't even comprehend.

What happens when China invades?

It's like they don't have to.

They're boiling us from the inside.

They're cooking us all to death, and meanwhile, they're eating all the bad.

Feasting on grasshoppers.

It's like the story of the ant and the grasshopper.

The white man drives around in his Tezza, whereas the Chinese man is eating ants and grasshoppers,

waiting for the winner that'll never come.

Grasshoppers are a great source of protein, apparently.

According to maybe, I think I might have seen it on Spike TV Mansors or something.

One of those kinds of things.

I've got another source of protein for you, Adam.

What is that?

You're just going to have to find out, dude.

You're going to have to find out the hard way.

You're going to have to find out the semi-hard way.

I've watched my Tokyo Drift.

I also re-watched Tokyo Drift this week.

Did you?

Yes.

And I think Nick is corrected as the best of the franchise.

I can't wait to see.

Y'all got cars out here that do different things.

Yeah, he's such a yokel.

You got the cards go sideways when you drive them around.

I've never seen it.

It's really good.

Shoot,

I had to come here to look at my daddy because, and he's from like Bakersfield.

They're always from just Bakersfield.

Yeah, well, he's from, I think his screen name is like that he's from Alabama.

Yeah.

It's like something about like Roll Tide or something bullshit.

My daddy, I'd have come here to Japan because I got in trouble.

Wait, why has he got a screen name?

Was he

a scene where they're like...

Also, I've totally forgot that Lil Bow Wow's character is named Twink in the movie.

Remember the rumor that he got raped by his bodyguard?

Yeah.

I thought that was true until like two years ago.

Wait, it's not true?

It is true.

He got raped by his bodyguard.

Every kid is like, dude,

Lil Bow Wow got raped.

No, that was our generation's like Prince.

It was our sucking his own dick.

You said the Richard Gere thing.

Everyone knew that wasn't true, but you would say.

I think Bow Wow got raped, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Or B2K got raped, I think.

Omarion.

Combined, torture, kill.

Omarion might have gotten raped.

Yeah.

I really think so.

No, yeah, I'm pretty sure he got raped.

Damn.

A bodyguard guarding a child who's a pedophile, that is pretty much.

Damn,

they got coons over here in Japan, too.

Man, that ain't cool, but you know, we got to stick together.

Shit.

Home, I wouldn't be friends with you.

All right, man, but we're not home right now.

We're in Japan.

We got to team up against the Japanese.

The girls.

The main girl.

I guess if I have to, but

just don't be coming around me with no wet hair.

I'll tell you that right now, boy.

Do you want to know how they live in Tokyo?

Was that song made for the movie?

No, it's not.

Because they say drift, drift, drift, drift.

That's like the chorus.

That's just how they live in Tokyo.

That's just how they live, dude.

Yeah, you were there.

It made me miss Tokyo, honestly.

Did they drift in the streets of Tokyo?

Boom, boom, boom.

No, but it shot in Tokyo.

There were like places we went that were in the movie, for sure.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Shinjuku was in it.

Shibuya was in it.

What about the Sukdikya province?

No, we didn't go there, though.

Yeah,

I think fondly of my time in Japan, walking around depressed, going to that pizza place by myself.

That was a great day.

Yeah, the day you walked two hours to a pizza place and walked back two hours.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it was mistily raining all day, and we said, Where are you?

And you text us back like 11 hours later being golf.

That's how they live in Tokyo.

Damn, y'all got golf

wrong.

Damn, you got coons and golfs.

You really can't stop saying it as a word.

Yeah, we are a pretty racist country, but you can't.

This is just racist.

It is the basis of our country that we are on ethnostate.

This is too far.

We are at least a parade about it.

Why didn't that kid get in any of the other movies in the franchise?

It's kind of like a bottle movie.

Bottle episode.

Well, Han was in the other

was he?

But Han dies at the end of the Tokyo Drift.

Yeah, well, yeah, three quarters of the way through.

Whoa, spoilers.

Sorry.

And then

you find out at the end of Fast and Furious VI, there was Jason Statham that killed him.

Right.

What?

I remember seeing that.

And now he's friends.

Well, he's in the movies now.

But at the end of Fast VI, like, it's the credits.

That's the big reveal.

Yeah, well, you see, it cuts back to Tokyo Drift.

Han's car flips, and then it's like starting to catch on fire, and then fucking Jason Statham walks up, and he, like, like pours fucking.

Yeah, he like throws a lighter and blows the car up.

I'm just walking around Tokyo.

And then he calls up like uh uh

uh somebody.

I can't remember,

maybe it was Vin Diesel.

I can't remember, but it's done.

No, he's like, he's like,

I'm your worst nightmare.

He's like, damn, you got you got British faggots.

What'd you call me?

I ain't afraid of you, you faggots.

Please stop.

My feelings.

I'm afraid of you, boy.

That really hurts.

It's hurting my feelings.

I really do want to see the new one, though.

Hobbs and Shaw looks like absolutely my shit.

Yeah.

That's where the fastest furious and my favorite.

Out here live.

I got Jason Statham's dick shoved up my ass.

Who plays the bad?

We do

pranks on each other.

Idris Elba, yeah.

Idris Elba's out here putting his dick in my ass.

I woke up.

I said, who?

Who put their dick in my ass?

Everyone erupts, and that's his new catchphrase.

We love the rock.

You put a dick in my ass?

If you can,

put a dick in my ass.

Can you smell

my ass?

Can you smell my ass getting fucked?

Oh, you didn't know?

Well, you better suck, suck my dad.

Yes, the big show.

Suck my dick.

Is that a degeneration X?

Suck my gig.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Rock, Dwayne, The Rock Johnson, one of the gayest men in sports entertainment.

Peering.

I'm gay.

I remember this a kid there ago.

The most electrifying man in sports sports entertainment.

And it's like, what is that?

Like, who is that?

Electrifying?

Yeah, the most electrifying man.

You took issue with the spurious

superlative because it's how do you even measure that?

Yes.

You can't.

In jewels.

Yeah, in jewels, absolutely.

You hook their cock up.

These electrifying batteries.

And you fucking measure how much it conducts or something.

Yeah, sports entertainment was always a great thing.

That's a great phrase.

I got to be honest.

I thought it was real sports sports for a long ass time.

How long?

To like sixth grade?

Damn, you have to have sex for money over here.

Do you want to know?

How's that man?

See him dressed up like a gay show.

Yeah, sorry, Mac.

You got to dress up like a girl and service guys and make money.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Can't we just get a regular job?

Just race the cars.

I'm 17 years old.

I don't know why I have to blow this British queer.

I'm here to have gay sex.

Now I've got to come over here to get my jollies off.

He just happened to be there to have gay sex.

I guess if I have to do it, I'll be able to.

If I have to, I have to.

I do what I gotta do.

This should be a reveal at the end, and it turns out that that character is Forrest Gump.

At the end of Hobson Shaw, we find out that the hick from Tokyo Drift was Forrest Gump

the whole time.

That's crazy, dude.

Janny, I went to Japan to learn how to get pussy.

Sally Fields fucked some guy that had a time machine.

Yeah, that was.

It really was.

Just selling pussy to get her retarded son into a school he's going to fail out of anyway.

Yeah.

You know what's funny?

I saw that movie when I was a kid, and then the retarded kids in my school, I'm like, their mom did that.

That's how they're here.

Damn.

I guess.

All right.

Oh, man.

The principals really must have fucked a lot of moms.

We got a lot of moms.

Yeah, dude, I would just have to see the principal and be like, all right, man, I guess.

Yeah, you got scared when they put you in the fucking emotional class.

You're like, wait a second, we're going to have to get turned out.

Mom, you didn't have to do that for me.

I would have stayed in regular school.

Yeah, I never also got that Jenny was a hooker until later in life.

And that she died

late in life.

It kind of sucked, dick, honestly.

You saw it later.

I put it on.

It was on TV like every five minutes.

I didn't put it on.

I put it on again recently just to have something in the background.

and even his background entertainment, it was fucking awful.

Yeah, it's bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess it was cool when he was playing ping pong.

Yeah.

That's my review of Forrest Gump.

And when the guy without legs gets pussy, I like that.

Lieutenant Dan.

That was another thing that really confused me about that movie.

So I was like, how can a guy with no legs fuck?

Because I assumed he didn't have a dick.

I asked my dad after we saw it in the theater.

What do you mean?

He's got.

He's not fucking completely.

Well, that's what my dad said.

He said he still got the dick.

You should have known that.

I assumed that he was missing his dick.

He had stubs, didn't he?

I don't remember.

He said he had stubs.

His legs were severed at the knee.

Yeah, you fucking idiot.

No, it was higher than that.

No.

Maybe, maybe, whatever.

Maybe mid-thigh, maybe.

Maybe, though.

But I'm thigh, I guess you can still fuck.

You absolutely can still fuck.

Yeah.

That's got to suck to be one of those guys that comes back from Iraq.

Cock blown off?

Yeah, and you're like, well, I guess I'll start a coffee company.

Badass fucker coffee.

Nude from DC Comics, The Dickless Punisher.

I like The Punisher because he represents my Dickless.

The fact that I don't have a dick.

That would make so much sense if The Punisher didn't have a dick.

Yeah.

Because, yeah, why else would you be that fucked up?

RoboCop didn't have a dick.

Yeah.

But you could give him a Robocock.

They never went into that in the movie.

Well, they should have.

RoboCop, awesome movie.

Both of them.

The new one.

I thought the new one was sick, too.

Yeah, I liked it.

That seemed where they were like, do you want to see what you look like without the stuff?

And he's just like a brain and eyeballs.

He's like,

that's in the new one?

Yeah, he's like, fucking, he's like, don't show me that again.

He's just like traumatized.

He's like mostly robot.

Yeah.

He's like 99% robot.

It would be awesome if it was just eyeballs, brain, and then cock.

They call you safe as cock, dude.

That's all I need.

More than you, actually, bitch.

No, you need to copy.

All I need is cock eyeballs and brain more than you.

That was copying.

You're like, why did they make the robot fat?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

We didn't even think about it.

Hey, that's kind of rude.

Yeah, you guys made the robot fat for no reason.

Yeah, what?

I was in shape.

Dude, I was ripped.

I was in really good shape.

Damn.

If they made a mechanical penis, but it felt like a real penis, would you get one?

If the sensation was there, I would cut off my own dick.

It just

tricks your brain into thinking you're feeling it.

Yeah.

I just

couldn't figure out what to Google for that scene, but I just typed in new RoboCop scene, and the first thing that comes up is the end this nightmare scene, which is him

being shown.

Yeah.

This RoboCop is like Matt Black, right?

The first one is like

no, but he's like

he's like murdered out.

He's all black.

Oh, the new one I think is black.

When did it come out?

Like 2013 or something?

2014.

Yeah.

Who was in that one?

Who played RoboCop?

I forget.

Has he done anything since then?

I don't know.

I don't think it's a famous one.

Wow.

That sucks.

Holy crap.

I'm wondering.

Holy Christ.

Holy Christ, there's nothing left.

Who did they put that germ motherfucker in there?

Oh.

Your body may have gotten,

but you're still here.

Is that Nick Nolton?

Oh.

Oh, what?

We had to repair the damaged areas, but we didn't let it feel with your emotion or your intellect.

You understand me, Alex?

You're in control.

I'm in control.

Yes.

So why don't they give him a penis?

Okay.

My dick is home.

If I'm in control,

then I want to die.

That's awesome.

Respect.

Damn, dude.

Yeah.

Ultimate respect.

Yeah, that would be fun.

I don't know why he even showed him that.

That's like, you don't want to fucking just come back as an awesome fucking killer cyborg.

Yeah, robots.

All that's left is my hand,

parts of my brain.

Damn.

They should have given him a nice pig fleshy cock.

Who plays RoboCop in the new one?

Matthew Perry.

Matthew Perry.

Yeah.

From France.

Could I be anymore?

Cop?

My dick is gone.

It's not there.

It's just gone.

Yeah, shouts out to Matt.

He kept getting weird sitcoms.

Well, I like the whole nine yards a lot.

You also

see Amanda Pete's titties.

You also like the whole nine inches a lot.

And that's...

Of what?

Not of your penis.

Are you sure that

you didn't like seeing Amanda Penis naked?

No, Amanda Pete.

A man.

This is a

penis.

Amanda penis.

Is that what you meant?

No, a man's penis.

Is that what you said?

Wait, hold on.

Hold on.

Adam, you're breaking up.

Did you say

in the room with you?

Adam.

It's me, Adam.

I want to see that.

That's not me.

It's a man's penis.

You're doing a voice.

Oh, Adam.

Sorry, we're breaking up.

There's some...

some other activity on your channel.

Static on your line.

A guy, a different guy saying that it's not you.

It's you, actually.

But anyway, so anyway, we're back now.

We're back to the show.

So that's cool that you like seeing a manza penis.

Yeah, that's.

No, I like seeing the breaths of the actress Amanda Pete.

In addition to a man's a penis.

Well.

Yeah, no.

Have you ever seen that?

Her tits were garbage.

No, they were pretty good.

But they were like early tits that I saw.

No, they were high amount.

They were type but bountiful.

A nice pant.

She's just like, you know, an actress and you want to see her.

You'd love to see her titties.

Yeah.

Immediately, you know.

That is an atrocious pair.

Oh, wait.

The scene in the window where she shows her tits is pretty nice.

It's not an atrocious pair.

It is an atrocious pair.

They're terrible tits out there in the universe.

Those are nice and round.

I would describe them as atrocious.

Do we have another angle on that?

The scene where she's in the window flashing her tits is nice.

To who?

Matthew Perry.

She's Matthew Perry's girlfriend?

No, he has a different girlfriend.

He plays a dentist, I believe.

I was straight, but then her awful tits made me gay.

They're not awful.

I want to see them more.

Hold on, I'm going to pull them up online as well.

They're mostly rib bones.

They're mostly what?

Rib bones.

Amanda P.

I like a titty like that.

Your mic just cut out.

I don't know what you did.

Hello?

There you go.

I'm sorry.

I said I like a titty like that.

Yeah, well, nobody asked you.

Yeah-huh.

Nobody.

The people at home.

No, the people at home.

Implied.

It's implied that they're not.

So let's have a vote.

KL5.

Are they nice?

They're nice.

I say they're nice.

I say they're nice.

So it's two to one.

Atrocious.

Two to one.

Yes, but you just said they're nice.

I'm saying they're atrocious.

So the weight of my vote.

No, that's not true.

Every man.

One man, one vote.

Yes, but my vote.

No, you average.

This is democracy.

I didn't say that.

I said they're not.

If I said they're not nice, you said they're they're nice, and they would be nice.

I said they're atrocious.

Well, we have two nice titties.

Are they nice?

The question was, are they nice?

So it averages out to they're sort of okay.

They're sort of bad.

They're sort of bad.

The standard is nice.

They're kind of bad.

If they're exceptional, then the standard is nice.

What do you mean?

Like an average kitty is nice.

Here's the thing.

You're talking about.

My question was: are Amanda Peteets?

I say they're above average.

Let's say that.

They are nice.

Yes.

Let's say we're on a website, right, called Amanda PetsTits.com.biz.biz.

and we're all customers leaving reviews and you guys were like they're pretty nice six out of ten three star yeah six out of ten stars and I come along zero star and I zero star she doesn't deserve a zero star that affects the average it lowers the average that's not what we're talking about

we're not we're not we're voting a majority on a star system we're voting

votes no no they're not weighted this is a

democratic no as what will our caucus declare her titties

we are declaring them nice.

You can write a dissenting opinion.

It's like the Supreme Court.

If you vote

if you vote emphatically for Donald Trump, it's not worth two votes.

It's one vote.

No, I already said it's the Supreme Court.

It's not.

It's the Supreme Court.

Yes, it's yes or no.

This is like the Supreme Court.

Yes.

It's a yes or no.

Nick is.

Nick is fucking Scale.

What's her name?

Fucking RGB was like.

Yeah, he's cool.

Kavanaugh rules.

I'm an old bitch, and I love Kavanaugh.

He's a very decent man.

I think I also saw, and I didn't do any research, I just saw it quickly, that she's never had a black clerk once.

RBG.

That means she's racist.

I mean, it would probably, you would think it would happen.

She's been there for what, like, 45 years or some shit?

She's old as shit.

Yeah, a long time.

Maybe not 45.

I'm going to really guess 30.

Mm-hmm.

She looks like shit.

She looks horrible.

She's probably going to die.

Yeah.

Yeah, Trump's going to get three Supreme Court though.

It's going to be awesome.

Fucking Hillary Law.

It's going to be

90 years.

My next conservative rule in the nominee is going to be my two choices of Judge Doom from Who Framed Rider Red and Judge Holden from Blood Meridian.

And I'm deciding between the two.

I don't know which one we're going to go with.

Just different actors to portray the.

Judge Reinhold,

my first judge.

That's just his name.

His name is Judge.

He's a great actor.

He's a good actor, but you can't appoint him.

We're changing the way things work.

We're going to do a lot of things.

We're going to get some of my friends from Fast Times at Ridgemount High.

Sean Penn as

Spikoli is going to be the head of the DEA.

And he's got a great new policy.

We're making weed legal, but only for white people.

That's basically the truth.

It's called Spikoli's Law.

Spokoli's Law.

Shouts out to Sean Penn, dude.

What a career.

Well, I'll tell you what.

If you like wearing underwear.

Like wearing what?

Underwear.

Oh, I love it.

If you're what you would call somebody who doesn't wear diapers because they're not a baby.

Right.

Adam, for example, wears diapers.

Come on, Adam.

Yeah, I know we weren't supposed to say anything.

Sorry, dude.

Can we edit that?

No, we have to leave that in there.

This is an ad, so we can't.

Whatever happens in ad space can't be edited.

They can't be edited.

It's a medical issue, though.

You're right.

It's a private medical

prolapse asset.

Those regular guys.

Perma prolapse assets.

I have to just hold my intact.

They're always wet.

You always have to spray it with a spray bottle to keep it misted.

Adam's got squeegee guys that come up to him.

Adam stops at an intersection, and the guys come up and start shining his ass.

He puts his ass out of the window.

I tip them 25 cents.

Looking pretty dirty, boss.

Clean it up.

We don't have to worry about that because we were a Mac Weldon underwear, which is better than whatever type of big boy pants you're wearing.

Yeah.

If you're not wearing Mac Weldons right now, you're a fucking bitch.

You're a loser.

And you might as well wear diapers because you're a baby.

Yeah.

Mac Weldon believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

I love those three things.

Yeah.

You know, they hooked it up.

I went there.

I picked out some underwear.

Real easy.

I didn't need my mom's help.

No.

When I went, I called my mom, but

my mom was on the phone because I was scared, to be honest with you.

I was using the computer by myself, but I said, I'm not a baby.

I don't need diapers.

I don't need to wear diapers like a baby does.

I can wear, I can buy.

She's like, are you sure?

I can buy my own underwear.

And I was afraid.

I googled underwear and I saw pictures of girls and it scared me.

Yeah, it's because I thought it was porn, but it was Sears.com.

Yes.

And then I found MacWeldon.com.

It's real easy.

I typed it in and I did some simple shopping for a simple-minded man like myself.

No matter how low your IQ is.

If you are a mentally disabled yet fully grown man who wears regular underwear,

then you'll love Mac Weldon.

You'll love Mac Weldon.

Because you might not be smart, but the design is.

That's so smart.

Check this out.

A lot of their designs feature a hole in the front to pull your penis through.

Wow.

I thought that was real smart.

They designed that.

Yeah, because I always pull my pants all the way down at the urinal.

But you can pull it through the hole.

Is the reason I am no longer allowed at Regal Cinemas?

That's right.

It's for pulling my pants all the way down in the cinema.

In the bathroom, and then also in one of the theaters when you mistook it for the bathroom.

In the theater while seeing Rango, yes.

Here's the other thing about the smart design: you put put those on backwards, you can shit out of them.

You can shit through the

dick hole.

Yeah,

that's how you go through the hole,

or you could be fucked through it.

You could absolutely be fucked through that hole.

If you put briefs on backwards, it does a better job of pulling your penis through your legs and hiding it.

Yeah.

So you're not embarrassed.

I like to be

throwing your penis flat.

You're not embarrassed.

No bulge.

You're not embarrassed of your penis when you're riding.

Which is a big problem for me.

You know how girls hate bulge yeah hate it

uh

they believe they believe in smart design wow they believe in it they believe in do you believe in smart design do you believe in smart design

suck through the hole

i can feel something inside my ass

I really do think I'm getting flared.

Mac Weldon will be the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants.

Wow.

And more that you'll ever have to do.

They got more, dude.

Condoms.

Dude, I hate uncomfortable condoms.

You put them on, they're all scratchy.

Yep, your cock is.

I get an allergic reaction.

I have to use Velcro condoms because I'm mentally retarded.

That's right.

But Mac Weldon underwear

feels a lot better.

That kind of stuff.

Damn, yeah, they know about that shit, bro.

They got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial.

You're saying, what does that mean?

They're made out of silver?

No.

No, you fucking.

I thought they were, and then I let my friend fire his handgun into my penis.

That's right.

And now I have no,

I've lost my penis in what I like to call

the Iraq of science.

Yes.

The Iraq of experimentation.

Well, I was not deployed in Iraq itself.

I did.

I lost my penis, and I consider myself a veteran.

Absolutely.

I feel like if you lose your dick in any kind of accident,

you get a purple heart.

You're a veteran.

That's a horse.

You get the Applebee's discount.

You get the Panera Bread discount.

You are on the same tier as a farm industrial thrasher.

Yeah.

Any type of penis accident.

Once your cock comes out of your fucking body,

welcome to the airport.

If you're a member of the U.S., you're ripped off in a factory.

Semper Fi, you ridiculous motherfucker.

Hoorah.

And you hear like that loony tune's like, bump, bump, bump.

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

You just just feel a phantom dink in your pants?

No, the silver line of underwear and shirts are naturally antimicrobial, which means they eliminate odor.

Whoa.

I know I smell bad.

No matter how stinky your pussy is,

make it disappear.

Look, dude, a lot of women who listen to this show have just disgusting.

There's stink lines.

We have one

show.

I say I'm not going to fuck them, and then I do.

Yes.

We look at the analytic with your nub.

With my nub.

Shot off nub.

I'm like, neither of us are going to enjoy this.

And And you take their pants off and you go, oh, God.

It sounds like a subway that went out of business six months ago.

What is there, an Indian family living in an out-of-business subway?

They do.

Are they all shitting in one 7-Eleven big golf cup?

That's what it smells like.

It smells like an Indian family died in a subway that they were also using as a toy.

Yeasty kind of Indian.

Anyways,

that's not true.

I've never said that to any of them.

No, but if your pussy smelled like that,

Mac Weldon would have no problem clearing that up with their silver antimicrobial shit.

Listen up, Indian guys.

They got a silver line of

being specific.

She's a smelly genitalia.

Anyone at all with a smelly pussy.

Could have been an Italian family in that city.

They want you to be comfortable.

So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it and they'll still refund you.

No questions asked.

No bullshit questions asked by them.

Is your dick small?

I'll ask the questions.

We'll call you up personally and be like, is it because your cock is little, motherfucker?

Is that why?

Is it because you're too Indian?

Or not Indian for that matter?

No, you're not even Indian.

I'm just asking.

These are some of the questions.

These are some of the questions that I will ask, but Mac Weldon won't.

Here's just some of the questions Mac Weldon won't ask.

Will not ask you.

They will not ask you this.

Is it because your dick is too small?

Is it because you're Indian and you smell too bad?

Anti-microbial.

No one is asking you that.

It is not Mac Weldon or us, actually.

We will not even be asking you.

Yeah, we're processing your refund right now, Mr.

Vickram.

Just real quick, are you two Indians?

We couldn't help but read the name.

We just saw your name and we were wondering, perhaps you're too Indian.

They will not ask you that.

No one will ask you that, to be clear.

Okay, yeah, just putting a note in here, and refund's good.

Okay,

and and

a very good Diwali to you, too.

Happy Diwali.

Not only does Mac Weldon underwear socks and shirts look good, they perform well, too.

Oh, yeah, it's good for working out, going to work, going out on dates, just everyday life.

Getting fucked in the ass, getting fucked in the ass.

So, go to macweldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMETON, C-U-M-T-O-W-N-20.

All word, one word, Come Town, C-U-M-T-O-W-N-20.

Wow.

Check him out.

That felt like having an old friend back then.

Oh, great.

I missed him.

I missed him, and I'm going to be missing them after this.

Yeah, after they listen to that.

After they listen to that, yeah.

Felt like going over Thanksgiving, just chopping it up with your friends from high school.

Yep, and then you told them about your life now, and they don't want to hang out, and they don't want to, and they're like, oh, yeah, we're doing that.

But they were gone for a long time because I couldn't figure out how to sign a PDF.

Hilarious.

Yeah.

You ever use, you got to use the hello sign or some shit, dude.

That sounds a little too.

There's some fucking...

You ever do that shit?

What?

There's like docu sign and hello sign and all this other stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, I guess I should plug, as long as we're in the clothes corner, come.town.

Oh, yeah, we got t-shirts.

They don't have anti-microbial shirts.

I don't.

None of that shit.

None of the good shits.

No, not Gilden.

They're next levels.

Next levels.

Gildens.

Organics.

The people who request Gilden, because people are like, can you print these on some Gildens?

They're fat as shit.

You're fat as shit.

Yes.

I know.

Because they're so heavy-duty that they suppress your titties.

Yeah, right.

Nobody's going to.

We know you have big-ass nipples under there.

There's one type of gilding that's good.

Yeah.

No, there isn't, bitch.

Next levels make my arms pop, dude.

Nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, make your bodies look big.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nick will also be printing next little bikini briefs because it makes his balls pop.

Now that he doesn't have a penis.

I'll be selling

also clothes, t-shirts on the road this weekend at Rochester on the 3rd, September 3rd,

then in Boston the 16th and the 17th, Oakland on the 24th, Seattle the 29th, Portland on the 30th.

And I'm working on maybe Indianapolis and Louisville in September, and maybe Philly too.

Who knows?

Stay tuned, folks, and come see us every Monday at

Funny Moms and every Tuesday at the stand for Fat Tuesday.

Also, if you like the show and you already listened to all the episodes, we've got a backlog on Patreon.

five dollars a month you get an extra episode absolutely get that shit you motherfuckers or underwear you have to buy one of the things we just told you final plug uh the 29th a month from today although this is coming out on wednesday so it'll be less than a month from when this comes out i'll be at the lodge room in highland park los angeles california on the west coast dude but i'll be in fucking seattle

and i think i'll be in san diego before that but i don't know where a master of inventory i just got a

tent i'm trying to go camping with Bobby next time.

Nice.

Yeah.

I want to get into camping.

I hate the outdoors, dude.

Really?

I do.

Dude, I love it.

I just want to wash my beard in a stream.

I'm scared of the outdoors.

I don't like bugs, dude.

Yes, I don't like bugs.

I don't like little noises.

I don't like

mosquitoes.

They're fucking sweet.

My shit is sweet.

Mosquitoes love me.

They love me more, dude.

Well, you have diabetes.

Exactly.

I'm just fucking like a candy bar for them.

Look at that big old

dessert tea.

The only thing that gets me.

You look like a fucking Arizona ice suit.

Exactly, dude.

As a mosquitoes mom, being like, stop sucking on that fat boy.

Exactly.

Left to their own devices.

You're going to ruin your dinner sucking on that fat boy.

I fucking hate mosquitoes.

Yeah, I don't fuck with that.

I like to shit indoors.

If I'm trying to fall asleep and I'm almost asleep and I get bit, I spring out of bed and I get so fucking pissed off.

It happens all the fucking time.

Yeah.

There's just one in your room.

The worst is when, yes, the worst is when it's just you and that motherfucker.

And you can't, and you fucking turn the lights on, you gotta fucking find them.

You gotta find, yes, I hate that.

And it's like 2 a.m.

and you're like soaking

crazy.

Sweating, angry, cussing.

So you just text some guys, you know, to kind of calm you down.

Yeah, say, I'm having a hard time.

I'm having a hard time, Mark.

Could you go over?

It's just, I don't know how to find this mosquito.

I'm going to go online and look up bug chasing.

This is going to help me to find somebody that can chase down this bug for me.

Oh, yeah, I'll just sight unseen and invite these bug chasers.

Oh, yeah, they want me to get on all fours.

And

I guess if that'll help, catch the mosquito.

I guess if that's how, if I, that's what I have to do, it's a supportive community.

Yeah.

I fucking hate those motherfuckers.

The one time I went camping was like in college, and I didn't even sleep in the tent.

We all passed out listening to Iron Maiden in my car smoking a blunt.

So I just fell asleep in my Chevy Blazer and woke up at like 5 a.m.

But with no battery because my car had run out of battery too much maiden dude too much maiden dude that's gay you just parked in the woods and then yeah literally i never didn't even get to camp we made like a stir-fry in the fire which isn't even like a meal a camping meal yeah no it's not it was just just you and eldest no it was me and these fucking idiots that i got kicked out of my dorm for smoking weed with so it was just like the dumbest people i knew but yeah i was trying to convince myself that they were my boys because otherwise I had just made a huge mistake getting kicked out of dorms.

So I'm going to get into camping and bow hunting and tomahawk hunting.

I'm going to start hatchet hunting squirrels.

You just want to be Arthur.

Yeah.

I want to be Arthur.

Yeah.

Be Arthur?

That's the trans.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know if I could actually hunt.

Nah.

That seems fucked up.

Yeah.

It's fucked up.

Those animals are just chilling.

I mean, if you eat them, baby hunting is the coolest, but it's like the cruelest way to get sporting.

What's the best way to kill an animal?

With the bazooka.

Bazooka, but then you don't get it.

Instantly vaporized.

But you don't get to eat the meat.

RPG.

How does Joe Rogan kill his animals?

That's what we should be doing.

Kettlebells.

He throws kettlebells at their head and crushes their skull.

He thunderclaps their head with a set of kettlebells.

I'm telling you, man, it's really crazy.

It's wild.

Bro, when you get that deer up in front of you and you crush its fucking skull i can't do rogan

he has cool kettlebells that are like carved with like a demon's head yeah i want that shit dude

that's when i'll get ripped when i have demon kettlebells yeah

but is there a humane way to hunt no no no never you go to the grocery store

no but they're treated worse no they're treated good

the meat in the grocery store first of all you have to remember that those cows did something wrong That's true.

They're in a past life.

They broke the law.

In a past life, they're bad people.

There were

guys.

There were Indian guys that messed up somehow.

Come back as

an American cow.

It's the Indian guys from that bus rape.

They were all

cows.

What bus rape?

That famous rape on a bus.

I think that was an epidemic.

Yeah, that was a Bollywood movie, Speed 3.

If the bus goes under 50 miles per hour, we will stop raping you.

Like, should we just slow the bus down then?

No.

No!

No, don't keep going.

Yep.

Yeah, Sandra Bullock passed on that one pretty quick.

I never saw any of the speed movies.

Isn't the second one on a boat?

Yeah, and

it doesn't go fast.

Yeah.

And they don't have Keanu.

What?

He's a hacker that has taken over the boat.

It's like Willem Dafoe or some bullshit.

The boat looks like it's going like three miles an hour.

Is it Willem Dafoe or like Tommy Lee Jones?

I can't remember who plays the hacker.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like Tommy Lee Jones.

Yeah, no, I think Tommy Lee Jones is in Under Siege 2.

Then he's the bad guy in that built-in.

So it's Willem Dafoe, and he's like just running around the boat with a laptop, like hacking everything.

It's fucking gay, dude.

That movie sucks.

I was so disappointed, dude, because I loved the first one, and I saw.

The first one was sick.

I saw the second one, I think, somewhere on Long Island.

They got Sandra Bullock for the second one, but not Keanu.

I remember.

Damn, Keanu.

Keanu had the juice like that?

He passed.

Yeah.

He passed and he was a bitch.

I mean, he was like an absolute piece of shit.

He's a smart dude.

I fuck with Keanu, but.

Yeah.

He must have been doing good to fucking be like, nah, I don't want to be in here with Sandy again.

I don't want to run this back.

I'm kind of jealous of him because he's like,

I don't think he's a very, he's probably not a genius or anything, but everyone thinks he's dumb.

So whenever he says something that's dumb, everyone thinks you're dumb, man.

Whenever he says something you don't dumb, everyone's like,

there's so many other things that I know.

He's a master.

He's like great at martial arts.

He does all his own stuff.

He's a millionaire.

He's a reputation of public intellectual Adam Fleetland.

I'm not saying that.

Everyone thinks I'm smart.

When you're this.

Everyone used to make fun of him for being dumb because of Bill and Ted's or whatever.

Yes.

And make fun of him for being kind of like an act of zero range, which is true.

He doesn't really have much range.

and he's got

a weird kind of like negative charisma and star power.

It's like he can do all his stunts, and he can just be in a movie.

But

I think people used to call him dumb, too.

He was good in the replaceable picture.

What's the difference between Neo and John Wick?

What's the difference?

Yeah, I mean, well, Neo, he takes more hopeful.

He takes the red pills.

He's a hero.

What's the difference between the two

pillar?

What's the difference between their emotional profile?

I mean, it's almost like John Wick loves his dog.

John Wickfield.

He's out to fucking kill lesbian girlfriends.

Yeah, he's trying to kill computers.

Neo has a mission of hope.

I understand that there are different movies and different characters.

I'm saying in his life.

John Wick is sad.

Yeah, and it doesn't read.

I would say it does, dude.

It doesn't read.

There's nuance.

You compare that to an actor like Michael Fassbender, who.

Big penis, huge cock.

Very talented actor.

And, like, there's plenty of, he has plenty of range.

Mm-hmm.

It's completely different between the slave owner and 12 years a slave and the robot and the magneto.

Yeah, magneto.

They're all over.

He's all over the place.

Yep.

Well, Tim Hardy, Tom Hardy, not that.

I mean, he can, like, do a silly voice here and there, but he's.

Yeah, Tom Hardy gets a like.

I think people think he's better at acting.

People think he's better than he actually is.

He's just a movie star.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's just hot.

Yeah.

He's got those big lips.

He's incredible.

I love him.

You love Tom Hardy?

Tom Cruise.

We're talking about Tom Hardy.

Oh, sorry.

I was reading a text.

You were on your phone not being

to the

guy.

You don't get important text messages anymore.

We know that.

It was an important text message.

It was my doctor.

What is your doctor?

Oh, shit.

They can't grow his cockback.

They said that it's

fortunately can't be grown back.

Your estrogen levels are off the charts.

They want to bottle your estrogen to give the trans world?

You're going to have to hook hoses up from you to every trans person in New York City.

He said that the transplant surgery has been improved by the insurance.

Like a big

mother bug.

So I'm getting a huge ass dick.

Adam's ovipositor is leaking hormones into a big vat that everyone's, every trans person in New York's got a crazy straw that goes into it.

And they're all drinking Adam's estrogen from his ovipositor.

Ah, fuck.

Crazy straws should come back.

They never really went away.

Well, we got rid of them.

I haven't seen one in forever.

We don't even have regular straws.

No, we don't.

That's right.

That's an act of defiance against the status, the neoliberal status.

Use it once to

raise.

I can go online right now and find somebody earnestly saying that crazy straws is offensive to people suffering from mental illness.

Yeah, 100%.

Neurodivergent people.

That one's easy.

Is that what they call them?

Yeah, they don't call them like

mentally ill.

Mentally ill.

It's neurodivergent.

Damn.

Damn, imagine.

You're neuroatypical.

Imagine

kind of a dumbass retard.

I'm penile divergent.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you're a diarrhea.

I'm erectilely divergent.

I didn't realize you're a diet.

You're a retard.

You're penile atypical.

Yeah, I'm penile atypical.

Damn, that's so fucking stupid.

I want a nice crazy straw, dude.

Let's fucking order a big-ass pack.

That'll show come.

It is really satisfying to to use.

I know.

It's a crazy straw.

It's like a roller coaster for your drink.

That's right.

For your lemonade, your fanta lemonade.

For your suicide that you made.

Ooh, damn.

7-Eleven.

Shouts out to Suicides.

I remember getting street credit.

Getting street credit by having the fuck most fucked up suicide at Skate Land in Rosedale, Maryland.

I used to go to Sprite and Lemonade.

That was my go-to as a kid.

I mean,

I thought it was just you were fucking up the flavors.

I just liked soda by itself.

Nah, dude, you got to do a Surge.

Surge.

Sprite and Lemonade.

It's better than Surge is the replacement for Surge Vault.

I don't remember.

I've never tried it.

Vault came out a couple years after they discontinued Surge, and Vault was good, but now everybody's a Surge.

Surge is the one that was really green and red, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, you got some last year.

Yeah, I got some.

They had it on Amazon.

On Amazon, yeah.

Did it taste good?

No, it was all right.

I think I tried a sip and it was like insanely sweet.

Surge Soda is back.

The legendary Surge is back.

No, it's not.

Dude, it's all coming back.

Jinkos, Surge, Hacky Sack,

fucking the 90s are back, baby.

I remember the website doesn't work.

It just keeps fucking reloading and fucking up.

Dude, those big pants, not Jinkos, but like, I guess like bondage pants.

Those pants

to hide, like, to sell weed.

Yeah, yeah.

Nugs.

Just put a lot of weed in there and put fucking skill sticks, glow sticks, day rape drugs, GHB.

Yeah, I remember like Mountain Dew in the 90s thinking, like, damn, if I drank Mountain Dew, I could be a skateboarder.

Yeah, like, I just, you thought every advertisement I was.

That's 100% correct.

Yeah, their whole branding was that it's everyone out there.

Like, this is real.

Dude, I remember fucking sneaking my mom's lean cuisines to try and not be fat.

I remember being like, well, what the fuck?

These will work.

Yeah, yeah.

And, like, and can I be honest, the chicken Alfredos, pretty good.

Yeah.

Filling?

Do you ever fuck with the lean cuisines?

No.

Never.

No.

What about lean pockets?

Adam eats peen cuisine, which is a microwavable cock

with some cum pudding.

Peen cuisine is good.

That's not a real thing.

Yeah,

it is in your household.

Hello, this is the census.

What do you eat for dinner?

Penis cuisine.

Oh, at the and this is the Freedom resident, or Freedland Residence?

Yeah, we'll mark that down.

That's down on the official government record on the record, and it's real.

It's an inappropriate question for a census taker to ask.

Are you Mexican?

That's a new question we got on there, too.

Did you ever eat lean cuisines, Nick?

No, I never ate a lean cuisine.

Damn, what the fuck?

I would have guessed you would have had a lean cuisine era.

Nah, never.

Never any kind of like microwave dinner.

I mean,

the shit I remember eating a lot.

A lot of cup noodles, dyed Dr.

Pepper,

fucking stovetop stuffing.

Never had stovetop.

Instant stuffing mix.

My mom used to just have a ton of Indian food frozen from Trader Joe's.

Ooh, Trader Joe's.

I didn't even know exactly what it was.

That shit is all like $20.

It's from the West Coast.

I think we got it before you guys.

California had it before Nevada.

Nice.

Yeah, but like, that shit is mad cheap.

In college, I survived off that shit.

But it's got like...

It's got like got...

No.

It's got like five days worth of sodium.

What scenes did Trader Joe have?

They had like uh Trader Penis, they had like, you know, you know how he has always, it's always like Trader Zhao.

I think they got rid of Trader Mings.

I think people took exception.

Really?

Yeah, they

Trader Yanni.

Race Trader Joe more.

Damn.

Joe's a pirate.

It's a pirate-themed.

It's literally a rapist-themed grocery store.

And they're like, oh, we we don't want to be mistaken.

We can't be Chinese.

We don't want to be racist.

Trader Ming?

What's racist about Trader Ming?

Well, all of them were like plays on the name of the game.

They don't even fucking care.

They don't care at all.

So it should have been Jang, Trader Jaden.

Well, it's just like, it's like

people that used to say the N-word in high school and are now like S-J-Ws.

Suck.

That kind of Chinese.

Suck, juicy.

Right.

Wiener.

Yeah, but it used to be like Trader Giatos for the Italian.

They don't do that anymore.

I used to love that shit.

I think.

I had an India or a Chinese food thing from Trader Joe's the other day, and it did not say Trader Mings on it.

And I will not be frequenting their establishment anymore.

Yeah, make it racist again or you've lost

business until you're racist again.

Yeah, I'll go to Trader Joe's.

I'm going to go over to Whole Foods where I can get food for whores.

Yeah.

Sluts.

Yeah, it's just Whole Foods.

I love shopping at Whole Foods.

Just to feed my fucking whores.

For some dumb bitch to come in here and get dinner for a pussy.

Damn.

Yeah, we used to go to that fucking, those horrible discount supermarkets that didn't even have meat.

That just had like canned shit and the giant 20 pound bags of cereal.

That was my shit, dude.

The bootleg fucking lucky charms and shit.

Yeah, we used to go to cooking.

We can get even like tote bags.

And get like frozen burritos, like 100 frozen burritos.

I just have those after school.

Would you put them in your ass first?

I thought microwave was cooking.

It made me feel very adult.

We didn't have a microwave

until I was 14 or so.

Damn.

Maybe 13.

Yeah, I had a little black and decker like a toaster oven.

Yes, we were a very big toaster oven house.

A lot of cooking in that toaster oven.

Yes.

Absolutely.

I didn't even know.

That's the only way I prepared hot pockets for the majority of my life.

It takes so much longer.

I know, but guess what?

I like it better.

You got a nice little crisp.

Yeah, yeah.

It's cool.

You could watch it.

Oh, I loved watching it, bro.

Ding.

The ding made my dick hard.

Yep.

If I hear that ding right now, I will get fucking stiff, dude.

Fucking

fuck are those.

What the fuck are those dogs?

Who's that guy?

Pavlov.

Pavlov.

That motherfucker's dogs, dude.

I got a fucklovian response to that little ding.

I'll tell you that much.

Gesexian.

My name is Marco Gasexian.

Suck on my dick.

No, no, it is a coincidence.

My name is just a coincidence, man.

Which is the village I come from?

The village is named that, but

it's not what I do.

Did that video, do you ever show you that video, that guy going for a hike near like a lighthouse or something?

Yeah, those two Egyptian guys sucking each other's dicks.

Those two Egyptian guys blowing each other's dick.

Oh, yeah.

But the guy wasn't even hard.

That was like the weird thing about it.

The one guy was kind of soft.

Oh, they're both old.

Wait, were they 69ing?

No, it was one guy sucking another guy.

I said it before.

I love getting my dick sucked soft.

Yeah.

That's the best.

Oh, no.

It makes me feel terrible.

Why?

Well, I love getting hard while getting soft.

It feels bad for them.

Well, your dick will get hard, man.

Yeah.

You feel bad for them then.

Then I feel really bad.

I mean, the part.

Yeah.

Just having sex with you in general is what you should feel bad about.

Well, I feel bad after I bust.

I feel, yeah, for sure.

Like everyone else.

I feel bad during.

There's a brief moment when I'm first sucking on titties that I'm like, now we're talking.

And then the actual moments when I bust.

And the first second that I'm in.

But other than that.

Other than me apologizing apologizing the whole time, I think I'm pretty confident.

We do that as like a bit.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'll be out of your hair in a second.

I'm terribly sorry.

Out of your hair.

He's just fucking her pews.

Not like a big bush.

I just, I only like to fuck the pews.

I love to fuck the pews.

That's when my mom, my mommy would do that.

And now I do it now.

That's how you stay clean.

I think you only fuck the pubes.

I think it's sexist to penetrate a woman.

So I have sex with the pubes.

I would never penetrate a woman's orifice.

Any orifice.

Not even if she forced me.

Yeah.

Well, I guess we gotta head to the show.

Yeah, we gotta get to the show.

Thank you for listening, everyone.

Thanks for listening, folks.

Come see us with Funny Moms.

We're there every Monday.

Get tickets for LA.

I might book a second one.

Bye.

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