Ep. 161 – Too Much Canada

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Speaker 1 Quince.com slash TAFS.

Speaker 2 Unfuck it.

Speaker 2 Does this look right?

Speaker 2 Check 555.

Speaker 2 Oh, you already started? Yeah. Okay.
I did.

Speaker 2 Adam?

Speaker 2 Check. Can you hear me? I can't.
I don't know. I have the thing in.
Okay. But I'm sure it's fine.

Speaker 2 And by I'm sure it's fine. I mean.

Speaker 2 Who gives off for you? Ooh.

Speaker 2 Ooh, baby, I love K-sex. That light-skinned lion shit.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Ooh, ooh.

Speaker 2 Our light-skinned lions roar a great meme. Yeah.
Check it out if you haven't had a chance, gang. This is.
Welcome to the Saying Things from the Internet.

Speaker 2 Welcome to memes We Saw That We Enjoyed. Memes We Fucked.
Memes We Busted Inside. Memes We fucked.
Have you jacked off to a meme before?

Speaker 2 I'm trying to think of it.

Speaker 2 I think. Actually, now I can think of it.
What was it? Remember that one where it was the girl holding the other girl's hair in a ponytail? That's a good one. And then pouring water in her mouth.

Speaker 2 Milk, it's milk. It's milk.
Yeah, it's really good. That's a fucking great one.
You can't even see their titties. It's so sexual.
Yeah, I just want that girl to fucking eat that other girl's pussy.

Speaker 2 I love how.

Speaker 2 Honestly, that's what I was thinking. And then people put words over it like my anxiety.
Right, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Finals. Right.
Going to a party.

Speaker 2 My anxiety. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Or something like that. Your anxiety is the girl holding your hair back, probably.
Yeah, standing in the corner at a party. Let's do a verbal meme right now.
Verbal meme. Okay, the girl.

Speaker 2 The girl getting the

Speaker 2 water poured in her mouth is.

Speaker 2 Hold on, hold on. How about this? Let's say you're an Indian

Speaker 2 woman. And you can be

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 no. My favorite thing.
No, no. You have to take the same pic and put it in the middle.

Speaker 2 No, what I'm saying. Me would be the girl getting the milk, and then the milk would be

Speaker 2 links to

Speaker 2 Indian men's dating profiles.

Speaker 2 and the girl would be my parents.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that'd be relatable for

Speaker 2 a Dezzy person, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Milk could be

Speaker 2 guys, Indian guys, or trying to get me to marry Indian guys could be the milk.

Speaker 2 And then the girl could be my mom. Why don't we do these kind of things? My mom, every time I'm at home.
Why do we have to do this together? Or you wait for Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 You say, my mom at Thanksgiving,

Speaker 2 Milk,

Speaker 2 telling me I should marry. And when I'm asking me,

Speaker 2 asking me when I'm going to settle down with a nice Indian party. A nice Punjabi MC.
Exactly. And then me, the girl.

Speaker 2 I love to date an Indian girl for a while. We just go through a family and then like...
Disappoint them? Well, yeah, date the Indian girl for like six months and being like, Prinjaya, I love you.

Speaker 2 I want to meet your Doddhead family. No, no, you can't say that to me.
Well, you know, what I'm just playing.

Speaker 2 Well, no, thanks to it. I want to meet him.
And we're going to, I can't wait to meet you. I just do all of the rituals correctly.

Speaker 2 So I show up front door. I've got the sword holstered.
Right.

Speaker 2 You're on an elephant. I'm covered in ribbons.
You're on an elephant.

Speaker 2 You ride it on an elephant. All sorts of ribbons.
You have diarrhea. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I get in there. Shoes stay on right up to the fucking, just going through the refrigerator.
I'm like, all this stuff smells like shit.

Speaker 2 You're dressed like Aladdin. Yeah, you're staying in that relationship for six months and saying you love him.
You're going to do a bit, yeah. Just so you could do what you're doing.

Speaker 2 Are you racist, I guess?

Speaker 2 To be racist to a family. All this food fucking stinks.

Speaker 2 We just had Indian food for dinner. I know, but in this story,

Speaker 2 it's good food. This food stinks.
And they're like, why aren't you dating an Indian guy? And I'm like, fucking Indian people are dumb.

Speaker 2 That's why she's not dating an Indian guy. Yeah.
Because she doesn't want to end up like you. If I was that girl, if I was that girl, doctor.
Hold on, Harvey.

Speaker 2 If you're that girl, you could make a meme and it could be like,

Speaker 2 how about a meme? My boyfriend could be the girl holding the milk, and then racist stuff. Yeah.
And then the girl drinking the milk could be my family. But you know what?

Speaker 2 That would just make her like me. The milk is the racist stuff.
If I owned her parents that way,

Speaker 2 I'd be like, why are you judging Vijankia

Speaker 2 this way? Vijanka is just trying to fucking

Speaker 2 work in a coffee shop. That's fine.
She doesn't want to become an engineer.

Speaker 2 She's not trying to be a fucking, what, George George Clooney on ER that's what you want for her where is he now that's right married to an Indian woman of his own so maybe if you don't know I think she's maybe if you think doctors are so smart you should look at the smartest doctor of all time Mr.

Speaker 2 George Clooney that's what we do Amal Clooney yes Amal it's Amal Persian right

Speaker 2 I know yeah

Speaker 2 oh oh I don't know her as George Clooney

Speaker 2 you mean Amal's husband I think Amal's husband

Speaker 2 George Clooney's

Speaker 2 Oh, George Clooney's bitch. Yeah, okay, now I know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 She's a human rights bitch for George Clooney. She's one of them human rights bitches.

Speaker 2 How about the meme? And it's the guy looking over his shoulder at the other girl, but

Speaker 2 the one he's with is wheat thins, and the one he's looking at is triscuits. Triscuits.
That's awesome. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rosemary and olive oil triscuits. Those are really good.
Oh, we are on a roll. What other memes do you have?

Speaker 2 Dude, why don't we just, instead of doing this disgusting show that we do, why don't we just do

Speaker 2 normy memes? Here's what we do. Get a hundred thousand retweets on all of them.
Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 We're going, we're that's what we're doing. Now we're doing the shit.

Speaker 2 People have been doing visual memes. Now it's time we did audio memes.

Speaker 2 And that's what this show is. Oh, we're inventing that.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Um, okay, let's see.

Speaker 2 It could be like a picture of a hawk girl on a beach,

Speaker 2 and there's a seagull

Speaker 2 trying to eat

Speaker 2 an ice cream cone that she has in her hands.

Speaker 2 So, go ahead and make a meme off that. We got a hot girl on a beach.
Sorry, she is holding an ice cream cone, and a seagull, and she's like, ah, and a seagull is stealing down. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So the ice cream is. The seagues just

Speaker 2 studying for finals. Okay.

Speaker 2 And the girl is me. Me.
And then the birds are. This sounds like you're trying to remember a dream.
No, no, hold on. And then the bird is

Speaker 2 the girl showing up with a quesafor loco in the dorm. Yeah, or like

Speaker 2 some sort of like, like a, you know, like Wildcat Fest on the quad. That's good.
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They got 311 this year. Yep.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 Rayquan from

Speaker 2 they got T-Pain coming in. How about Gaekwan? That's all.
That's really good. Have they? Gaiquan, the penis chef.

Speaker 2 Gaequon, the chef that prepares dishes made out of semen.

Speaker 2 My favorite rapper, Gaiquan.

Speaker 2 Gaikwan, the fucking.

Speaker 2 It's so weird. It's like.

Speaker 2 This Airbnb is like, it's nice, but can you imagine this being your apartment? Yeah, no, this is like. So we're

Speaker 2 right now, to let you guys know, we're on the bottom. We suck succadikaliana.
We're in Edmonton,

Speaker 2 Alberta,

Speaker 2 might as well be Russia. The Dallas of Yeah, it is Russia.
It's like Petro Dollars. We're in Get Edmonton.

Speaker 2 Literally on an off-campus dorm somewhere. That's what we're doing.
Yeah, but like we're the rich kids on like that go to school. They don't live at the

Speaker 2 state housing. We don't share the fucking bathroom with 12 other motherfuckers on the floor.
No. We have a suite and we have two bathrooms.
There's four bedrooms. We each have a full pathway.

Speaker 2 There is no furniture. No furniture.
There's one couch and one IKEA table. Sitting on one little couch right there.
You can karate chop through pretty easily. But we're going to get some pussy.

Speaker 2 Tonight we're going out to get pussy. We're going bitch hunting.
I'm going bitch hunting on campus. Edmonton.

Speaker 2 What school, Rion?

Speaker 2 Some fake-ass Canada shit. Yeah, it's so funny that Canada has colleges too.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's like, shut up, bitch. Yeah, what are you learning? Fucking Lee.
Learn this dick. Yeah, exactly.
Learn a moose, fucking a moose's head. What are you going to learn? Fucking syrup? Yeah, learn...

Speaker 2 What are you learning how to be

Speaker 2 not as tight as us? Poutine? What about you?

Speaker 2 Why don't you put my dick in? McEwen University. What about Poutins? And it's a website where Indian girls, young Indian girls.
No more Indians.

Speaker 2 We just had Indian. I was afraid this was going to happen.

Speaker 2 But the spices

Speaker 2 are

Speaker 2 a special kind of recipe. It's an Indian restaurant.

Speaker 2 I just

Speaker 2 it's that coconut. Once he has coriander, he can't stop speaking in the voice.

Speaker 2 You give this motherfucker cumin. He doesn't know how to ask because we've gone without our Uber drivers for so long.
That's true. I don't have access to them.

Speaker 2 I get it out of my system in those Ubers.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Well, Canada is a very diverse culture. There's a lot of South Asians here.
Not a lot of Indians. I've seen Somali guys.

Speaker 2 There are a lot of Indians.

Speaker 2 In Canada in general, yeah. What's the school we're at? McEwen University.

Speaker 2 Let's see what that place is about. McEwen.
McEwen. Fucking

Speaker 2 McGregor.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they invented rape at this college. I don't think that's true.
It was the first mattress girl. That's not true.
The mattress girl thing happened. I think some caveman with a party.

Speaker 2 I think the Chiquita banana lady was raped in a pile of fruit.

Speaker 2 I don't think that. And that's why she goes to the camera.
She carried it on her head as a remembrance. Some guy pushed me into a basket of fruit and raised me.
It was an MFA.

Speaker 2 I do not think that I think it's just a fun.

Speaker 2 Now I have to go around.

Speaker 2 I have to carry all this fruit around so people know. He raped me with each piece of fruit on this thing.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to go to this. I had grapes shoved into my pussy.
Oh, this used to be a community college, dude. Dude, it used to be called Grant McEwen Community College.
And now it's a real university?

Speaker 2 This is named after some fucking guy that

Speaker 2 was at the University of Saskatchewan.

Speaker 2 We're not even in Saskatchewan. He looks like Hitler, honestly.
Look at him. Does this guy look like Hitler? Damn, tear down the statue of him, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Grant McEwen looks like Hitler.

Speaker 2 Fuck him. So I'm thinking, folks, boys,

Speaker 2 he was a member of the Legislative Assembly of Alberta. He was the mayor of Calgary.
Okay, that's something.

Speaker 2 But he can suck my fucking dick while he's at it in hell.

Speaker 2 I'm suck my dick in hell.

Speaker 2 Grant McEwen, you can suck my dick in hell. Suck my penis.
Suck my penis. Suck my penis.

Speaker 2 I'm in hell and I'm getting my dick sucked. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's pretty good, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm watching the video of that girl making fun of Dasha and Anna.

Speaker 2 What girl? Simone Norman.

Speaker 2 Oh, nice. What? Are you watching it right now? Why are you watching it now?

Speaker 2 It came up again on Twitter. Yeah, it's going real viral.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking we go to the strip club after this. Okay.
Because you know, boys, how at the beginning of this tour,

Speaker 2 right at the end of the tour, we all promised each other on the first day that we wouldn't jack off or come this whole trip. So I'm thinking we go to the strip club.

Speaker 2 This is our last night, you know, without a show, off-night. We go there and we all bust in our pants together.

Speaker 2 That's a good. That's not cheating.
It's not cheating if it's

Speaker 2 not cheating. No way.
That's a genius, dude. Yeah.
That's

Speaker 2 this. We just start.
We just make the thinnest pants of all time. Yeah.
We just pants.

Speaker 2 I'm going to become an engineer, dude. My pants fit through.
You can just put the pants into the pussy.

Speaker 2 You're like, no, I mean, we brushed up against each other and I happened to come in my pants. Yeah, no, there's like a fabric dick cut out.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or you can, here's what you do. It's like a condom.

Speaker 2 You make pants made out of condoms. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So if you wear it. If you're a condom, it's technically busting in your pants.

Speaker 2 If it's connected out of the condoms,

Speaker 2 pants made out of the brilliant hero. Dude, that's a shark tank, I do.
Shark tank. This is so we can start cheating on our girlfriends.

Speaker 2 We made pants that are made out of latex condoms. So

Speaker 2 you can bust in your pants.

Speaker 2 And it's not cheating. Mr.
Wonderful, I don't know if gay guys have this problem but would you be interested in investing i'm not gay

Speaker 2 what about me makes you think that

Speaker 2 that the

Speaker 2 guy draymond is just like

Speaker 2 crying

Speaker 2 and he's like that's the most foo-boo shit i ever heard

Speaker 2 that honestly that's the most foo-boo shit

Speaker 2 I ever heard on this show. I'll give you a billion dollars for 2%.

Speaker 2 take the whole cover

Speaker 2 just take it i'm ready to ascend this place is ten dollar ten dollar men cover five dollar lady cover oh so you think there'll be pussy at the strip yeah because women love going to strip club and they love going just to

Speaker 2 gender to be around guys they love they love that to be around the guys

Speaker 2 that are

Speaker 2 the type of alphas to go to the strip club you know monday night it's yeah it's tuesday is it tuesday well there is a two thousand dollar contest at the other strip club club, but it doesn't have as good reviews.

Speaker 2 We're going to go win that contest. Let's get to the public.
Shea Pierre's Cabaret.

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 2 Hold on. I'll find them both.
I was just looking at the reviews on Google.

Speaker 2 And then the other one is Shade Gentleman's Club. Oh, they're both Shade.
Shade and no, Shea, like a Shade and Shea Pierre. Chez.
Chez Pierre. Che Pierre.
Che Pierre.

Speaker 2 The House of Pierre's House Pussy Club. But apparently, it's Tuesday night.
Apparently,

Speaker 2 there's some sort of contest at Shade Gentlemen's Club. Interesting.
What kind?

Speaker 2 Let me find it. But it's a $2,000?

Speaker 2 Prize. Okay.
Do we have to strip? So it's Tuesday's Filthy Feud, where you can win up to $2,000 if you're lucky and have a dirty mind. Is that all they describe the con I mean we have to have

Speaker 2 a dirty mind contest? Yeah, we have to have the dirtiest mind contest. It's like home alone.
But this time, they catch Kevin.

Speaker 2 They get him.

Speaker 2 Kevin. All of his toys can't save him.
That's so dirty. It's like pranks.
Very dirty. Because, yeah, it turns out Joe Pesci fits entirely into Kevin's ass.

Speaker 2 And the other guy, fucking Daniel or whatever. They tape a dildo to a paint can and release it into his ass.
They fucking wings.

Speaker 2 They both hold, one of them holds Kevin's, each one of them holds Kevin's legs, and then they jump down the hole where the basement stairs used to be,

Speaker 2 impaling Kevin via his ass on the broomstick

Speaker 2 that he has set up. And I'm like, I'm not finished.

Speaker 2 I'm using my time to get that $2,000.

Speaker 2 I go city to city telling the dirtiest story. The dirtiest mind.
Having the dirtiest mind.

Speaker 2 This guy, Lex Luther, says, shout out to Savannah, the great cis girl. We love her, hubby B.

Speaker 2 Five stars. Sounds good.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Alexis is like the name of every girl there.

Speaker 2 There's no way there's just one Alexis. Beautiful women with awesome dance skills.
Wow. That's important to me.
I hope the choreography is tight. Honestly, if it's not tight,

Speaker 2 I'm not throwing loonies or toonies at her pussy.

Speaker 2 That's so true. How do you tip if they don't have dollar bills here? Do you insert the coins into

Speaker 2 like a venting machine?

Speaker 2 You start at the beginning of every song and you have to put a coin in her pussy.

Speaker 2 I have heard you can grab the titties in Canada at the strip club. That's honestly awesome.

Speaker 2 Can I say that?

Speaker 2 That's what the strip club was like when I was 19 and I engaged in. In Israel? I engaged in a backroom blow job.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, what was this? Backroom, Backroom, backroom, backroom, blowjob.

Speaker 2 Ice cream page.

Speaker 2 Sucking on hard, hard digs, because I'm gay. Sucking on old man's penis for a living.

Speaker 2 Sucking on hard-ass digs for a living. Yeah, we just discovered that that song is Panic at the Disco.
Yeah, I thought it was some mixed-race teen. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It seems like a mixed-race set. It's the band of Las Vegas.
Some guy that wears nothing but hoodies and very tight. Some guy with curly hair up top, but a skin fade on the sides.
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And one like earring.

Speaker 2 A kid with like Frylock's haircut.

Speaker 2 And then a hoodie and then painted on jeans. Yes.
Yeah. The hoodie costs $800.

Speaker 2 $800 hoodie. One of these rich black kids.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 One of these spoiled black kids.

Speaker 2 One of these

Speaker 2 snobs.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of that. That's funny.

Speaker 2 Yep. You know what I'm tired of these spoiled? I'm tired of.

Speaker 2 What group has it too easy right now?

Speaker 2 Sexy. Girls kissing naked boys.
Spoiled mixed-race children.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're against fucking race, mix, but you say because they're spoiled. They're spoiled.

Speaker 2 Because they're rich moms.

Speaker 2 They're rich black moms. Can't get enough spoiling.

Speaker 2 No, it's a class. I'm talking about class.
It's a classic. It's really class-ish.
There are these rich kids. These rich mixed-race kids.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I'm on the Facebook page now of this. Of which one? Shade or Shade?

Speaker 2 Shade's Pierre. The House of Pierre.
So we hear some of the Pussy House.

Speaker 2 We can see if the talent is right. What the talent is looking like?

Speaker 2 Do they show pussy in Canada?

Speaker 2 No, they don't have pussy here. I don't remember.
I remember the rule of thumb in Vegas growing up.

Speaker 2 If you can stick your thumb in her pussy, was that you can stick to her. She pushed her

Speaker 2 she is now your slut. No, purchase and pleasure.

Speaker 2 Put her out to pasture. It's like quiddage if you catch the little fucking bull.

Speaker 2 Wow, these girls are exotic and beautiful. Let me see.
I wonder if there was any plantation owner that did, like, went to see if, like, like, if there was a market for breast milk.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Oh, like in your.
Okay. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 I think we would have heard about it. I guess they're probably milking the slaves.
You got to think about refrigeration is big when it comes to breast milk. I know.
That's why you would need.

Speaker 2 Because in the South they didn't have refrigeration. So you would just need massive amounts of slaves to produce titty milk.
No, but what I'm saying is you would need it cold.

Speaker 2 I don't want to drink warm titty milk.

Speaker 2 It's weird that

Speaker 2 they're taking pictures on this Facebook page of girls dancing. Breast milk cheese.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I. Yeah.
Breast milk cheese could be good. Yeah.
It's crazy. They didn't have air conditioning in the South until like 1930.
Yeah. What a horrible place.

Speaker 2 That's your fucking shit life.

Speaker 2 Just needing to fan yourself constantly.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Makes slavery seem even less chill. Yeah, it does.
It would be one thing if it was like a nice 70-degree day.

Speaker 2 If you were like the slave that got to drive the Zamboni machine, that would be an okay job.

Speaker 2 But it is

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 if I recall correct,

Speaker 2 there was no Zamboni. There was none.

Speaker 2 They did not have ice skates.

Speaker 2 One of the jobs in slavery. I want to see Texas school books.

Speaker 2 And how are you doing, children? If you could get off the ice for a minute,

Speaker 2 Mr. Timothy is going to come by on the Zamboni machine.
The slaves got together.

Speaker 2 Smooth that ice out for you.

Speaker 2 They got to take an aptitude test that placed them

Speaker 2 in a bunch of different fun jobs. It was a Zamboni operator.
Somebody had to sell the fucking hot chocolate at the ice skating rink.

Speaker 2 You both on your phones now?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm just researching this strip club situation because I'm so horny.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 It's $10 for men, $5 for women, and a 50% entry discount for members of the armed forces.

Speaker 2 So if we dress up like ladies and ladies and gentlemen, soldiers, $2.50 to 50 cents.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy, my friend. They're like, listen.

Speaker 2 I know you think we don't have Jews in Canada, but we see this all the time.

Speaker 2 A bunch of guys that look like Woody Allen in combat boots and fish net tops with fucking lipstick on on the corner.

Speaker 2 Hello, it's me, Chief. Now, guys, if you split a chair with one of them, you can pay half price.

Speaker 2 Wow, they have Instagram too. Wow.
Now, have you shown us a single one of these women? I really should be paying better attention to the show and not to these titties. No, no, the show's going fine.

Speaker 2 The show's great.

Speaker 2 I'm still laughing about the slave driving the Zambia. That was very funny.

Speaker 2 It's wet whiskey Wednesday. Come get out of the rain and warm up with one of our beautiful performers.
Salem. Salem could get it.
Yeah, Salem could get it. Now, is there a website?

Speaker 2 Is there a website where if getting it means busting in my condom pants?

Speaker 2 Because I bust in my condom fucking pants. Cause I'm busting in my condom fucking pants.
I busted in my pants pants. You stop cheating, bitch.
Don't even stop cheating. I just bust real easy.

Speaker 2 I'm busting in my pants, pants.

Speaker 2 Bust in my pants, pants. Panic, I busted in my pants.

Speaker 2 Damn, some of these girls do not look as good. Nasty, nasty, nasty bitch.
She a nasty bitch.

Speaker 2 you a nasty bitch. Damn it.
Now they tagged one of the strippers, and now I'm on

Speaker 2 hers. Let's see.
On her account, let me see. Michaela.
What does she look like? She has a lot of tattoos. I like that.

Speaker 2 I don't like tattoos. Let me see, please.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 This is how it happens with Instagram. You just start on one thing, innocently trying to look at a strip club's page, and then you're on the strippers page.

Speaker 2 And then you're looking at her roid-it-op boyfriends page, And then you DM her, and you're like, I'm worried about you and this guy. I don't think he's five.
I think this guy's bad for you.

Speaker 2 I think he's bad. Listen, I'm a comic.
Oh, shit. Of course, she's.
Listen, I'm a police officer. She's got some bondage shit.
If you need to keep getting tied up and fucking.

Speaker 2 If you need to feel safe, I'm going to come to your apartment now. Give me the address.
I would love to make her feel safe. Please drop a pin.
If you want to. Ma'am.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to sexually protect you with my gun.

Speaker 2 You are under being my girlfriend. What was that?

Speaker 2 You are being placed under my girlfriend.

Speaker 2 Ma'am, please keep your hands on the wheel.

Speaker 2 My name is Officer Chowdhury.

Speaker 2 You're wearing sweatpants. Ma'am!

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 So what are we going to do after this? We're going to blaze up, go to the strip club. No,

Speaker 2 that is a mistake. I've done that.
Really?

Speaker 2 Fool me once. I've done it far too many times.
Because when we were in high school and we turned 18, the only thing we could do was go to all-nude strip clubs.

Speaker 2 And you couldn't go to the topless ones because those had alcohol because they didn't went pussy and alcohol mixing. Oh, really? Yeah, so me and my friends used to blaze.

Speaker 2 So you couldn't have a cocktail and look at a woman's. No, no, no.
We drink juice with Chinese businessmen at Little Darlings.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 and then we would get stoned and then just there were they'd play the music videos along with the songs. And so we just like end up just watching, like, we'd be like, oh, fucking puddle of mud, dude.

Speaker 2 That's a weird ass man.

Speaker 2 Why is she dancing to this? This isn't a very sexual assault, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 yeah, blazing is not good for the vibe, I don't think. I guess I'll just blaze up and suck my own dick.

Speaker 2 You could do that. I mean,

Speaker 2 I don't even think,

Speaker 2 whatever.

Speaker 2 Let's just finish this fucking podcast so I can bust some events.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to bust. You just need to jack off, dude.

Speaker 2 I told you. I thought we all made a pact not to jack off this whole thing.
You've been fucking, I don't know how to tell this to you, but you've been fucking sleep-busting every night.

Speaker 2 That should have been a reality show, Bust House.

Speaker 2 Bust house. Five guys

Speaker 2 in a house, and they're like, none of them are allowed to jack off. And it's just guys quietly jacking off on night vision camera.

Speaker 2 And they have like a computer room. And it's like they're just meeting in the morning, and there's a guy with his shirt off making a protein shake,

Speaker 2 and he's like, Yeah, bro, I got to talk to you because I went to go get a glass of water last night, and I saw you busting the computer.

Speaker 2 Put him on, like, just a tight shot at it. Toddler, I saw you busting.
I swear, I wasn't busting, I wasn't busting. I was edging, I edged for a while, but I didn't bust

Speaker 2 Tyler and Sasha debate whether he busted or not. Coming up on Bust House.

Speaker 2 Nah, dude, you couldn't let the bust.

Speaker 2 Dude, I asked you several times, stop bringing up that girl with big tits we saw.

Speaker 2 Don't say the word breast.

Speaker 2 That girl we saw with big tits.

Speaker 2 Don't sit and they like blur his mouth when he says tits.

Speaker 2 Bust house.

Speaker 2 Dude. That sounds good.
You cannot watch fucking commercials for fucking bikini waxes. You cannot watch a fucking Summer's Eve douche commercial.
It gets me too fucking horny, bro.

Speaker 2 Eric has some news to share with the group. The producers found out that I actually have testicular cancer, which prevents me from busting to begin with.
So they're asking me to leave the show.

Speaker 2 Boys, go play putt-putt golf to send Eric off.

Speaker 2 One last hang before Eric has to leave because he lied about his testicular cancer.

Speaker 2 Bro, honestly, when I found out your nuts didn't work, I felt really betrayed, bro. Yeah, he's fake as hell.
I just can't wait till we get back to the clubhouse and we can play we.

Speaker 2 God damn.

Speaker 2 People would watch it. I would legitimately watch it.

Speaker 2 I would watch Bust House.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I'm thinking about it. That would be a challenging thing to do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But they're just constantly beating off. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 But in a scenario where there's like the cameras are watching you, and every time you grab your cock, it's like,

Speaker 2 or something. No, it's not.
It's just that it's 10 guys in a house, and they're not supposed to beat off. But you don't get anything for not beating off.
There's no

Speaker 2 rule. But people can keep talking about how they're there to win.
Yeah, I'm not here to make friends, even though I have. I'm here to not beat off.
I'm here to not bust.

Speaker 2 And then they're just constantly beating off.

Speaker 2 Eric, I could tell that you're beating off right now. No, I'm not, dude.

Speaker 2 There is cum all over the spatula. That is honestly such an an interesting fuck.
We should pitch Bust House because

Speaker 2 I honestly would watch that.

Speaker 2 Is there a prize? Is it just like Jersey shows? There's no prize. There's no point to it.

Speaker 2 There's not even. They have to go to work, right? The way all those shows are? No.
They have to work at like a

Speaker 2 cell phones. Oh, there's like challenges? Yeah, yeah.
They're like,

Speaker 2 yeah, they tried to work at the local burrito fiesta, but Eric beat off.

Speaker 2 The boys immediately started beating off.

Speaker 2 But unfortunately, they employed a pretty hot 15-year-old hostess. A 15-year-old girl was working there, and they couldn't help but take turns beating off in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 Just looking at her and closing your eyes because you were in a room. Bro, we weren't in the house.

Speaker 2 We all caved. Bro, that's my little cousin, bro.
Yeah, they're just standing around in a circle, and there's tiki torches in the backyard next to the jacuzzi.

Speaker 2 And they're like, we all promised we wouldn't bust at burrito fiesta.

Speaker 2 We all said we wouldn't do it. And we all failed the challenge.
And that's on all of us.

Speaker 2 And we're going to learn and grow from this.

Speaker 2 Bust house. So does anyone get eliminated?

Speaker 2 No. No, you just get caught in everything.
So

Speaker 2 it's Jersey Shore,

Speaker 2 but it's about not beating them off.

Speaker 2 There's no rules basically other than you can. That's what binds these people together.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then at the end, they realize that they've made friendships for a lifetime.

Speaker 2 And it's through showing that masturbation is evil. What you can accomplish by not busting.
Yeah, male friendship. Because you know that busting gets in the way of men being friends with each other.

Speaker 2 You know, you want to throw a... We're so catty.

Speaker 2 You want to throw a wrench in there? Yeah. Put a gay guy in there.
Oh, my God. Well, I'll tell you what.
It would be cool if one of them

Speaker 2 didn't work.

Speaker 2 I think so. Whoa.
And he was tricking all of them. But then the show is sponsored by Blue Chew.com.
Bust House. Blue Chew.
The official sponsor of trying to trick straight men into sex.

Speaker 2 Drop some Blue Chew

Speaker 2 drinking. Yeah.
Blue Chew will make a guy's dick hard whether he wants it or not.

Speaker 2 And if you see a fella you like, mix a little Blue Chew in the GHB

Speaker 2 and you can drug and rape him. No, don't.

Speaker 2 With the help of Blue Chew.

Speaker 2 We just got our sponsors back. We finally got our reads back.
No, we didn't lose. We never lost any.
I know, I know. I'm just trying to create a narrative, man.

Speaker 2 No, all our other sponsors went out of business.

Speaker 2 Thursday Boots? Does this exist anymore?

Speaker 2 No, because they found out they were selling boots to cops to step to kick

Speaker 2 in some pantsy skulls. I forgot about that.
Yeah, no, that didn't. We couldn't do that to the.
Then we probably shouldn't even mention it. Yeah, we shouldn't mention it.
No, different.

Speaker 2 They're still in business.

Speaker 2 What happened was it's not winter anymore, so they didn't want to buy advertising.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's for the winter. Well, it's winter in Australia now.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 call them back. We have a lot of fans there.
I guess they're probably advertising an Australian podcast.

Speaker 2 They talk like fucking advanced. They wear in Australia, even during the day.
Boy, you listen to the dingy fucko podcast.

Speaker 2 I'm fucko dingus. I'm fucking gay tom.
I'm shit-ass faggot shit.

Speaker 2 Blingo.

Speaker 2 There he is. Blingo,

Speaker 2 blingo, fair, shit-ass.

Speaker 2 I'm from Australia. I'm wonky, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm Wazoo Cockface all the way from down under, and I need blue chew to make my bitch dick work.

Speaker 2 Oi, when I'm out on the old out beak, when you're on the outback, it's too hot to get your dangler stiff.

Speaker 2 You gotta take a blue chew, blue chain, blue chew, blue chain, yeah. There's only a five-degree range that I can get hard in.

Speaker 2 It's between uh 68 and 73 degrees. Yeah, I need Predator to be looking at my dick.

Speaker 2 I need to tempt a pit viper with my dick. Make sure it's the exact right temperature, that its IR sensors go off and it fills my dick with sweet venom.

Speaker 2 And that's actually what blue chew is made out of.

Speaker 2 The ingredients in there, it's the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, which was, a lot of people don't know this, it's snake poison. Snake poison.

Speaker 2 And how they discovered that was by spending some time in the jungle. Yes, that's right.
Bob Dole went to the Amazon. Got his cock absolutely.

Speaker 2 He was like, well, if I can't be president, I'll guess I'll get my dick sucked by snakes.

Speaker 2 He's saying, that was his kid picture, I promise. If I don't become president, I promise you.

Speaker 2 I promise I will get my dick sucked by snakes down to Brazil and I will defile their fish.

Speaker 2 I'll stick my dick into the Amazon River until one of those candyberry fish injects its spines into my dick and I painfully have to rip it out. And that is my promise to the American people.

Speaker 2 That is what I I promised to the American people. And he couldn't get his dick hard and a snake bit it.
And then he's like, wow,

Speaker 2 that's the medicine.

Speaker 2 That's the Glorge medicine right there.

Speaker 2 And that's why he's still alive, by the way. People don't know that.
If you ever got, like, what Blue Chew does is just a little piece of that venom. He got it straight from the fucking source.

Speaker 2 So he can't die.

Speaker 2 He's been hard since 93, and the only way he'll die is if his cock goes soft.

Speaker 2 That's the only thing keeping him alive. That's a cool idea for a movie, too, like a speed reboot, but you have to keep your dick hard.
Isn't that what crank is about?

Speaker 2 Well, you got to keep your heart beating. Crank your cock, blue juice.
Exactly. Crank 3.
Yeah, crank off.

Speaker 2 Crank 3 beating off. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, Crank 3, and he's got Blue Jews. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You have to keep taking.

Speaker 2 If I don't keep taking these dick pills, my dick will get soft.

Speaker 2 Like, well, it's supposed to.

Speaker 2 Most people's dicks are. No.
I needed my heart will also be.

Speaker 2 right I think a grown mate is always supposed to have his dick hard

Speaker 2 like I got a poison pick my cock

Speaker 2 I've tried I've tried letting spiders bite my dick

Speaker 2 and the spiders got the wrong kind of venom and made my balls hard

Speaker 2 six months ago a bunch of baby spiders came out of my left nuts my balls my balls got hard my balls pointed straight out

Speaker 2 My ball bag. My balls unfolded.
My ball bag pointed straight out like a cartoon wolf's eyes when it saw a pair of tits.

Speaker 2 And then my dick started pounding on the table.

Speaker 2 This is what my dick does when I see a girl. My balls come through.
Oh, my eyeballs.

Speaker 2 And your dick goes,

Speaker 2 Bluechew.com, you can get the first chewables with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. They can work fast in pills up to twice as fast.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 The chewables or blue chew can be taken on a full or empty stomach. So, you know, you're Rod Stewart, you've already blown.
That's right.

Speaker 2 You got two liters of cum in your stomach. You can still take that blue chew when you go, all right, boys, it's my turn.

Speaker 2 Forever young.

Speaker 2 I want to be forever young.

Speaker 2 That's so much cum to just be sloshing around your stomach.

Speaker 2 That's horrible, man. That's too much.
It's too much, if you ask me. That was wrong, Forever Young.
That was the Alpha Ville Forever Young. Yeah.
The Rod Stewart one is Forever Young. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 The Alpha Ville one's so much more.

Speaker 2 So let me drink your cum.

Speaker 2 Let me live forever. That's the one where he's with the little boy.
And I want to

Speaker 2 Rod Stewart feel like I can't wait to

Speaker 2 version of Barry Manilow.

Speaker 2 They both have

Speaker 2 a spiky style head.

Speaker 2 Barry Manilow is like Rattata

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 Fuck, which was the big fat rat?

Speaker 2 Ratatat?

Speaker 2 I want to call this strip club. There's Rattata and then there's Ratatat, right? Ratatat,

Speaker 2 the band? Pidgey and Pidgeotto. Pidgeotto.

Speaker 2 How about that, you fucking idiot? Well, Pidgey turns into Pidgeotto by taking Blue Chew. That's right.
That's what a secret candy is. Brock, we gotta get Pikachu's dickheart.

Speaker 2 That's what the secret candies in Pokemon are. They're blue chews.
Yeah, they're rare candies. The rare candies.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dickmander.

Speaker 2 Cockmander. Cockmuncher.

Speaker 2 Cockmonker.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 So if you want to.

Speaker 2 It only takes a few minutes to connect with a Blue Chew affiliated physician. If you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.
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Speaker 2 As an 85-year-old man who has a podcast, I could not give a more full-throated endorsement. Who are you doing? Fred Thompson, that senator? Yeah, maybe.
Oh, yeah, Fred Thompson, who was online.

Speaker 2 He was an actor, too. And then he tried to run for president.
He's a Republican. There's a lot of guys that just sound like that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That sounded like Fred Thompson. I'm a grown man now, so I guess I have to talk like this.

Speaker 2 You know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know, brother. Blue Chew.
Bluetooth gives you confidence a bit every time. You and your partner will love it.
Or you can take them for beating off. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 You know? I love that shit. I love it.

Speaker 2 I like taking Blue Chew and then masturbating to the covers of books.

Speaker 2 I don't even need pornography. I'm a fucking sapiosexual, bitch.
Yeah. I jack off to book covers.
I got bookmarks that I'm jacking off to. A fucking candle.
Your tids do nothing for me, bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't even need that shit. I'm going to be over here.
I'm jacking off to a semicolon. I'm over here masturbating to the wainscoting.

Speaker 2 Staring at the wall.

Speaker 2 Like one of the aliens in legend, I am legend. Isn't that that's not that's about vampires.
It's about one of vampires in I Am Legend.

Speaker 2 Aliens. I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 The monsters or something.

Speaker 2 Chew wouldn't do it. Here's a great deal for you guys.
Visit bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code COMETOWN.

Speaker 2 That's C as in Chinese. U as in Ukrainian.
M as in Muslim. T is in trans.

Speaker 2 O as in Oriental. W as in woman.

Speaker 2 N as in. No.

Speaker 2 That's done. You know.
All right.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Just pay $5 shipping. That's bluechew.com.
B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W dot com. Promo code COMTOWN.

Speaker 2 And we're back. And we're fucking.
And we're fucking back. Sucking off eight guys and drinking their cum.

Speaker 2 Now my stomach's full of two liters, it seeming. Sucking off.
And I'm running out of time.

Speaker 2 That's for a living.

Speaker 2 And I'm Ron Stewart.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Man, I can't stop looking at these lovely ladies. Which website are you on? Their Instagram page.
It's just women with the Mercedes logo tattooed on their breasts.

Speaker 2 These I some of them have really ghastly. Dude, I just want I want just to settle down with a just a

Speaker 2 Dominican lady with a really shitty rose tattoo on her button. Oh my god, I would love to date a Dominican lady that was just verbally abusive to me all day long.
Yeah. Call me stupid.

Speaker 2 Say my dick is little. Yeah.
That would be cool. Tell tell me that I'm not man enough.

Speaker 2 I would love that. Just to be demeaned

Speaker 2 by

Speaker 2 an apex. That's

Speaker 2 a Dominican girl. That's what Nick needs, dude.
He really,

Speaker 2 you need a Dominican lady to yell at you, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You don't have your priorities in line.
To be honest with you, I'd get pretty tired of that pretty quickly. I know.

Speaker 2 I know. You would hate me.
You're like, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 I really don't respond to that kind of shit very well.

Speaker 2 I'm sucking off guys, dicks, cause I'm fucking gay.

Speaker 2 Sucking off of man's penis, cause I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Sucking off all the girls. Panic, where'd the dicks go?

Speaker 2 Where are they? Where are they?

Speaker 2 Simon, chill out. The room's still filled with dicks.

Speaker 2 Oh, I had a nightmare that all the dicks were gone and I couldn't suck all of them in my band. Panic, where'd the dicks go?

Speaker 2 Ah, fuck.

Speaker 2 So what do we do? So at Strip Club in Edmonton. In Edmonton? Is that where we are?

Speaker 2 Ottawa. We do.
We go down to the 7-Eleven where we just were.

Speaker 2 We get

Speaker 2 some biker meth. Okay.
Some biker crank. We get crank.
We get some crank. And then we crank.
And then we go high voltage. And then we just beat off our soft methamphetamine dicks

Speaker 2 in the bathroom, obviously. Can I be honest with you? I like that a lot.
That's a great idea. I love that idea.
Not busting.

Speaker 2 We do not bust. We have a code.
The Buster's Code. I promise not to bust.

Speaker 2 Our father, I am art and penis. Ramirez music that if I become a Highlander, I am never a bad person.
Oh, yeah, we watched Highlander the other night.

Speaker 2 If you want to live forever, you just can't beat off.

Speaker 2 You have to come into my mouth.

Speaker 2 Wait. that's the fountain of

Speaker 2 the movie's about a Spanish guy that goes around the world tricking guys into gay sex.

Speaker 2 You have to understand, McCloud. You're an immortal.
A Scottish guy pretending to be a man. A Scottish pretending to be Spanish.
Where everyone else is. Where are you from? Ah, Egypt or Spain.

Speaker 2 My name's Juan Carlos DeSantis de Ramirez. The only Scottish person in that movie, which is a movie about Scottish people, is playing an Egyptian

Speaker 2 who is named. Sam Ramirez.
Named Ramirez. Dude, Sean Connery playing a man named Juan Ramirez is so fucking awesome.

Speaker 2 I would like it if that character becomes a day laborer later.

Speaker 2 In his Highlander 2,

Speaker 2 Immortal Life. McCloud.
Because he's resurrected in Highlander 2. Oh, he is.
Yeah. He came back for that franchise? He did.
It was a hit.

Speaker 2 That's the only franchise other than Bond, or the only movie he starred in a sequel other than.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Was it a hitch?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because he's a fucking Scottish retard, and he's like, we have to get our culture out there

Speaker 2 This is a Scottish culture is a Scottish culture He's a guy playing with swords because he wants to live forever his wife was raped by

Speaker 2 a monster from another planet

Speaker 2 a space alien who raped his wife

Speaker 2 and now he lives forever

Speaker 2 and I love how why does he teach him why is because all the all the other Highlanders are chill. They're all freaking out.
Everyone's nice to each other.

Speaker 2 Except the Kurgan, who kills the rest of them, because there can be only one. And the Kurgan's right.

Speaker 2 Like, they all understand there's only supposed to be one of them, because then if there's only one, you get the prize.

Speaker 2 Which is eternal. So the Kurgan's the only one.
He's like, listen, we're supposed to be doing this.

Speaker 2 He's a reasonable one. But not necessarily.

Speaker 2 If everyone just hangs out, gets pussy forever,

Speaker 2 you get to get a bunch of, like.

Speaker 2 The prize is your dick starts working again.

Speaker 2 I use a medicine called Blue Chew that makes me live forever.

Speaker 2 Oh, it also will make you live forever. It's snake.
You have to let the snake bite the head of your dick off.

Speaker 2 Off?

Speaker 2 Totally off, Ramirez?

Speaker 2 I think so. I don't.

Speaker 2 I don't really know. Do you know what happened to you? Did your cock get bitten off by a snake?

Speaker 2 I kind of want to call this drip club and see which ladies are working tonight and then see if we can get picks, maybe an IG for some of them. Yeah, we should DM them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, DM the chicks. You know, I'm going to

Speaker 2 sliding through Shea Pierre later. Hey, what's up? Me and my boys are here staying in a college dorm.
We're about to podcast tomorrow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But for the night, we're thinking about busting in our pants. We're in town for podcasts.
Yes, is this a strip club? My name is Ramirez. I'm 3,000 years old.

Speaker 2 And as a result, I would like to to not pay.

Speaker 2 No, I'm immortal. So if I could come in there and maybe suck on the tits, because in my country, Egypt,

Speaker 2 you're allowed to do that.

Speaker 2 My friend, my mentally retarded friend McClaude is going to be joining us.

Speaker 2 I've never seen a pair of boobs before,

Speaker 2 but maybe tonight I will see them and suck on them

Speaker 2 so I can become a better actor.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's such a dog shit actor. I can't wait to act in a movie.
It's me, Christopher Lambert.

Speaker 2 Christopher Lambert.

Speaker 2 He talks like a

Speaker 2 little bit like a certain comedian in New York City.

Speaker 2 Adam Friedman? No. He does talk like that.
The guy that Racine does talk about.

Speaker 2 He does talk like that. Yeah, I guess they do have a similar.
They have a similar affect.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to go to the bathroom in Adam's mouth.

Speaker 2 What, Christopher? I'm a big fan.

Speaker 2 Is that the guy whose balls you got in trouble for showing on Facebook? Yep.

Speaker 2 That's why you got banned from Facebook

Speaker 2 for showing Highlanders fucking balls. Zooming in on his nuts

Speaker 2 and posting it on Facebook. Yeah, you can see Christopher laughing,

Speaker 2 which in hindsight, yep, definitely. Probably something you're getting thrown off

Speaker 2 for.

Speaker 2 Showing a man's balls. Just out of context.
It's not out of context. I gave the context.
But I mean, like, I know, but just describing. The context is that I've seen that movie.

Speaker 2 I would watch it repeatedly when I was a kid. Yeah.
And until I watched it on a 65-inch TV, I didn't realize I was just watching his balls as a young child. Right.

Speaker 2 Why was his balls out? Was it a love scene? Was he actually fucking up? Oh, yeah, he's actually fucking fucking holding. Really? Yeah, he insists.

Speaker 2 He's like, if we do the movie, this is my chance to have sex.

Speaker 2 He was married to Diane Lane. She's a piece of ass, dude.
Oh, he cheated on Diane Lane. Everyone fucked Diane Lee.
That's not true. Don't say that.
That's why

Speaker 2 I had to.

Speaker 2 I have a big crush. My thing was that I didn't fuck her.
He didn't fuck his own wife. I've never had to.

Speaker 2 I used to jack off to her sex scene in Unfaithful with Richard Gere and that Spanish guy that fucks her in the hallway.

Speaker 2 Clancy Brown wouldn't come back for the Highlander sequel when they told him that it was like he was an alien or whatever. Oh, the bad guy? Yeah, he read the script and he's like, this is shit.

Speaker 2 And then Christopher Lambert had to call him up to convince him to do the movie.

Speaker 2 And he's like, Clancy, you have to do the movie. And he's like, Chris, this is the script is garbage.
Even the first script is incredibly stupid. And he's like, it was my idea.

Speaker 2 That's so fucking funny. I was the one that wrote that.
How is that the guy they choose to be an action hero?

Speaker 2 I said it at the live show. It's because it's fucking Jean-Claude Van Dam.
Oh, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 They found one

Speaker 2 Franco,

Speaker 2 one Francophile action star, and they were like, let's try it. Maybe we'll strike gold.

Speaker 2 He was in Tarzan.

Speaker 2 Maybe we'll strike gold and maybe we'll fill a hole. Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, Big Josh. The big dogs here.
Boys are back in town.

Speaker 2 Josh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and it's like in his old age, Christopher Lambert looks like Dana Carvey playing a guy with Down syndrome. Yeah, he looks horrible.
Yeah. A lot of forehead.
Well, he's sort of cross-eyed.

Speaker 2 He's got a five-head.

Speaker 2 I'm going to call this strip club and see which sexy ladies are working tonight. Christophe.

Speaker 2 Christophe, this is his full name. Christophe Guy Denid Lambert.
Oh, Guy, as in. Guy.

Speaker 2 I'm Guy.

Speaker 2 Christopher.

Speaker 2 Hold on, guys. Adam has to call this trip close.
Yeah, hey, don't do that. Why not? Why?

Speaker 2 Well, because we're recording the phone call. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's illegal.
Yeah. Is it?

Speaker 2 Well, I'll just let them know. Yeah, you can't.
I mean, well, you got to be. Yeah.
I don't know. I don't know.
I thought about the prank calls you do. I don't know the law you call it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what about drive time radio? Don't they do prank calls? That's all fake. Every single one of those is produced.
Interesting. Oh, really? They didn't pick up.
Yeah. Oh, bummer.

Speaker 2 So I guess I'm just going to be

Speaker 2 jacking off. Jacking off.
You want me to strip for you, man? I'll put on a wig. I'll suck your dick and stuff.
To be a f good friend. No, I've read too much about this trip club.
I have to go.

Speaker 2 You honestly need to jack off. I'm going to go dressed as a member of the Canadian military.
Ooh, dresses a mountie. Let's get mountie uniforms and get get in for free.
Wait, hold on.

Speaker 2 This bitch isn't French. He's from Great Neck, New York.
What?

Speaker 2 That's where my

Speaker 2 car is from.

Speaker 2 That's crazy because you also give Great Neck.

Speaker 2 Oh, never mind. He was just born there.
Greatneck is a very nice suburb of New York City and Long Island.

Speaker 2 Greatneck. Both of you give Great Neck.
Greatneck is where West Egg in the Great Gatsby is.

Speaker 2 Is that where he has the parties? That's where the new money town, as opposed to East Egg, which is old money. The old, the good shit.
The good shit. Tom, this is hilarious.

Speaker 2 Lambert has profound myopia and cannot see without his glasses. He cannot wear contact lenses and often has to act virtually blind, which has led to me.

Speaker 2 Which has led to injuries while performing his own stuff. He does sword fighting.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 all of that. He just didn't know how to, he couldn't see.
That's why the sword fighting scenes in Highland Harbor. That's also why he's cross-eyed the whole time.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to see my wife for the first time. How does this guy have Korean?

Speaker 2 Like, that's how she's. Just some blind French refan.
He can't even speak. He can't talk.
He's not handsome.

Speaker 2 He can't see.

Speaker 2 But he's not movie star handsome. Oh, he's a novelist now.
He's written two books. Oh, nice.
About what?

Speaker 2 A book called La Phil Porte Boner.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No. La Fi Po La Fi Poit Poit Bonaire.
I don't know how to fuck. I don't know.
La Fi, is that girl? Yeah,

Speaker 2 the girl who sells boners, I think. Oh, okay.
And La Uga.

Speaker 2 La Yuga?

Speaker 2 I don't know. La Uga.
Yeah, this is about a big pair of tits. Oh, nice.

Speaker 2 The girl.

Speaker 2 I guess Port Bonaire is like pussy hole. Or

Speaker 2 port for boners. Mm-hmm.
You know?

Speaker 2 Any port in the storm.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. There's a gay bar called Port in a Storm in Baltimore, and I think it's after the expression, he'll fuck any port in a storm.
I think they were like,

Speaker 2 we'll get some straight guys that just wanted to get fucked. Fuck some men.
Oh, I thought it was like a sailor thing.

Speaker 2 Any port in the storm means you'll fuck anyone's ass. Oh, any port in the storm, I would think, is like you have low standards.
Yeah, the storm is always going.

Speaker 2 So it's a gay club for gay guys with very low standards. I don't know, but it was called Port in the Storm, and I didn't know what it was.
And then I think my mom explained it to me,

Speaker 2 which is weird because my mom did not understand too many things.

Speaker 2 Sexual-wise. She was a very,

Speaker 2 she did, she was not of this culture. She didn't get the innuendos.
You know what? Now I'm thinking about it, there's no way my mom knew about it.

Speaker 2 Actually, yeah, it was a cool older guy from the neighborhood who took me there, showed me around. Any turd and an ass.
Any turd and an ass.

Speaker 2 Is it about eating the turds or shitting them out?

Speaker 2 A gay bar called I'll Fuck a Guy If I Don't Have Any Options.

Speaker 2 The Last Resort. The Last Resort would be

Speaker 2 a great bar name. Just do the trashy.
I'm sure there's a bar named The Last Resort. It just sounds like a dive bar name.
Dick's Ass Resort. There you go.
Oh, yeah. Dick's Last Resort.

Speaker 2 Dick's Last Resort.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that place sucks. That's all, like, they call you ugly and shit.
Hopefully, at the strip camera. Can you imagine me going there?

Speaker 2 It would be too much. Yeah, the guy would be like, wow, too easy.
I'd be like, shut up. Don't say mean stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's fucked up.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to, I want to hire severely disabled people. Like, just.
At Dick's Last Resistance.

Speaker 2 No, like, you you get them on Craigslist, someone with like neurofibromatosis. Oh, yeah.
And you bring them to Dick's Last Resort.

Speaker 2 And then just watch the weird. You don't laugh at anything.
You just watch him as they. Yeah, deal with this, schmuck.
Don't even say that. Yeah.
You don't say that.

Speaker 2 You say it with your fist. No, you just sit down and you're like, yeah, I think we're good with water.
And they'll be like, wow, nice wheelchair. Where'd you get it? The junkyard?

Speaker 2 And we're like,

Speaker 2 I think we're ready to order to oh you don't even respond oh yeah i think we'll have uh the wings have a burger yeah

Speaker 2 i would um i would go there uh and have them tell my wife i want a divorce

Speaker 2 that's good i'd write down some material for them on my wife and i'd be like whoa what the fuck that's the mother of my children mama mia mama mia what's a good way to divorce your wife by gun

Speaker 2 At gun point. Through gun kata.

Speaker 2 By doing gun kata, like in equilibrium?

Speaker 2 What's gun kata? It's I don't know. It's karate with guns.
Oh, nice, dude. Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 2 Would you shoot the gun and it would instead of bang, it would say, I want to divorce, or would you threaten to kill her with a gun? I don't know. Maybe use fireworks or something?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. It just spells out, I want to get divorced.
Yeah, divorced by Skywriting.

Speaker 2 Get a plane to write it out.

Speaker 2 Sucking on hard-ass dick for a living. I'm a fucking gay man, and I'm gay.
I'm a fucking gay guy, and my penis looks like children.

Speaker 2 Your penis looks like children. No, no, no.
I'm a fucking guy. And my dick is the size of children.
We gotta come up with a better backstory for the strip club than Podcaster.

Speaker 2 um venture capital saudi millionaire billionaire saudi yeah yeah we're fucking from saudi arabia we're fucking rich as hell we're here for the oil i bet i could pass for a set if you if you dressed me up if you give if you gave you a uh what do you call it a kafiyah or whatever

Speaker 2 yeah if i wore that white dress or whatever if you wore the dress and then and the cool scarves yeah the checker thing you know if it's red if you've been on hajj to Mecca, and it's black and white if you haven't been there yet.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's how you know. What if you do anal? What color is it?

Speaker 2 Oh, it's like a hanky code. Yeah, it's like the hanky code.
In like old gay culture.

Speaker 2 Yellow for piss. Yellow, yep, yellow.
Brown for

Speaker 2 wolf. Brown for Greek.
Yeah, Greek.

Speaker 2 Brown if you do Greek.

Speaker 2 I love that we got that, dude. You got what? Greek, Greek, Greek.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the

Speaker 2 slang

Speaker 2 for your culture. I've never heard that.
Oh, dude, that's a good stereotype. Greek people fucking the ass.
Well, they invented it. We didn't.
Well, they say it

Speaker 2 on

Speaker 2 ads on Craigslist for prostitutes. They say no Greek.
No Greek. Yeah.
No, that's fucking.

Speaker 2 Which is not there anymore because of Sesta Fosta or whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, how are you supposed to get a whore these days you have to do it the old-fashioned way on the streets going up to every single woman you see until one of them is a prostitute did we ever tell that story about eric

Speaker 2 what story now nick's looking at his phone but what are you looking at we were on the train and there was this girl um

Speaker 2 we were like i guess drunk and there was this girl who's clearly

Speaker 2 selling pussy selling pussy and my friend just thought she was a hot girl and he was like what's up? You fucking partying or what? Like, what's going on? What's up tonight? You had no idea.

Speaker 2 She was soliciting a prostitute. We were like, that's a professional.

Speaker 2 Wait, how do you know that?

Speaker 2 Nick and I were pretty sure that she was. She was just on the train?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 She was titties out?

Speaker 2 Yeah, her ass and titties were out.

Speaker 2 She looked pretty cool. Yeah, she was completely naked.
She was naked. She didn't pay her to have sex.
No, he didn't. But he just didn't.
Yeah, it was a very funny funny interview.

Speaker 2 He was trying to holler at her?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was.

Speaker 2 It was pretty funny. We're on the train going to the West Village.
Damn, dude, that's got to be just fucking strangers.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Being a prostitute seems bad. Yeah,

Speaker 2 they need protections. That's our opinion.
We should become pimps. No, not benevolent dude.
Benevolent pimps. Yeah, but like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, excuse me. All my sex workers all my sex workers is unionized.

Speaker 2 I want all y'all bitches to unionize.

Speaker 2 That's my bottom bitch. That's my foreman.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's... Oh, fuck.
Oh, you spilled water. I'm going to spill water all over the place.

Speaker 2 Well, what's up? Y'all bitches got health care.

Speaker 2 Get y'all pussies checked. Yeah.
You got Bennies?

Speaker 2 All my bitches got Bennies. You feel like sick still or no? I think I'm getting out of it.
Yeah. You guys are now getting too sick for the strip club? I'm just going to bust this out.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to the strip club, man. I hate to break it to you.
Yeah, no one was actually ever going to the strip club. I think you were serious, but I was not going.

Speaker 2 I was doing it as a bit, obviously. I wasn't going to go.

Speaker 2 You've been doing this for an hour prior to the podcast. Well, it was a long bit.
It was a two-hour bit where I was joking around about how I want to go to a strip club.

Speaker 2 All right, well, go to the strip club. Hold on.
We got a show today

Speaker 2 coming out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is our last show, so if you're hearing this on Wednesday,

Speaker 2 buy tickets and see us and get Hedmonton.

Speaker 2 And then also come see

Speaker 2 the July 2nd.

Speaker 2 I am doing a show called Fat Tuesdays. It'll be every Tuesday at the stand.
That's a boy. Please come out to that, motherfucker.
I'm trying to, I'm going to have that, be working on you stuff.

Speaker 2 It'll be fun. Have really good lineups.
Tuesday will be Gary Goldman, Sam Murrill, Ruby Blotnik, Yamaniko Saunders, Real Murderous Row. That's a great lineup.
That's a great lineup.

Speaker 2 Trying to start off with a bang. And then July 8th, Funny Mom Returns.
So come on and come out.

Speaker 2 We're back in the

Speaker 2 trap. We're back in the trap.

Speaker 2 And then there should be some dates.

Speaker 2 Stay, watch this space. We're going to have some dates coming up hopefully in the fall.
We're trying to come see domestic dates. We're trying to come see our little sluts in the U.S.

Speaker 2 We do realize, you know, we have been to other countries,

Speaker 2 but we haven't really treated our own country. And that's kind of been a protest against the Trump administration.

Speaker 2 I think militarism and our role. American.
How we're sending bombs all over the country.

Speaker 2 We want to send laughs. That's

Speaker 2 so true. You know what I'm saying? That's why we've done international.

Speaker 2 We're doing Iraq next. Right.
Nick, you're done with us.

Speaker 2 I thought you were doing plot, but oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, so that's it.

Speaker 2 We'll see you if you're in Headminton tomorrow. Headminton.
Good night.