Ep. 149 – the spy museum

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Okay.

I am gay and my penis is small.

Robot noises.

Horrid dick robots assemble.

That's a little teaser.

So how's everyone?

I got an animated pilot in the in the works.

That's a little taste.

A robot?

A pilot?

Yeah.

It's like Gundam.

Gundam Warrior.

But the only thing that changes is the penis.

The cockets.

You get a metal penis.

Different alloys.

Right.

Normally your penis just looks like a toy car or a bus.

Mm-hmm.

And then a transformation.

Yeah, my soft cock is a metal penis.

My soft cockets are a little VW Hot Wheels car.

And then when it gets hard, it's a sword.

A brown and like white

sword.

Nice.

Thanks, man.

I'm looking at XLR cables.

Oh, yeah?

You think about upgrading?

Yeah, I figured it might as well

replace the equipment that breaks half the time.

When are we going to have a futuristic studio, dude?

Make your living room.

As soon as Ralph's dad builds it for us.

We should have a living room that's like, or we should make your living room a fucking.

We all have like giant chairs that go back all the way.

Gaming chairs, dude.

But they recline completely so we're we can lay down if we need to.

Oh, like a like airplane.

Exactly.

Yeah.

We should all have our little booth like we're flying first class on Emirates.

And we should have a stewardess while we record.

Yeah, and I don't want to see your hair, dude.

I want to see it covered up.

Like a

shit.

That's what they're doing.

They're still

in a way to be hot.

They're hot, but still

Syria law.

Yeah.

Interesting.

That's why they look like that.

Didn't they buy another airline or something?

Didn't they buy Air France?

Emirates?

Or something like that?

Or Delta?

I don't know.

All I know is that they sponsor a lot of soccer team jerseys.

They do.

That's why I support them.

The soccer teams have no problem

doing business with just

slavery countries.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

And being owned by...

by oligarchs and stuff.

Nick, what are you doing?

Shopping?

I'm looking for a replacement XLR cable.

What are you looking for?

What are your top qualifications at an XLR cable?

Reading some article about

the best ones.

I don't know, something that's

not going to have a bunch of interference, I guess.

Sturdy.

Who wrote the article?

I don't know.

I'm a fucking genius, dude.

Thewirecutter.com.

Why do I trust that website?

It's your favorite website.

They've led me astray on half of the purchases really I've taken.

Yeah.

I think when I moved into a new apartment, I was like just looking at whatever wire cutter told me to buy with like can openers and stuff.

And I think they were like wrong half the time.

Damn.

It's here in New York.

But it's nice having someone tell me what to do.

You know what I mean?

You're a dom.

You want a Dom.

I just, well, I don't want to have to,

you know, look at it.

You're a sub and print and the website is a Dom.

I just don't like the

stress of not, you know,

daddy to tell you get on your knees.

Get on all fours.

I need daddy wire cutters or something.

I just love to see a picture of what that guy looks like, though.

Oh, dude.

You know, he's squat, but stocky.

Yeah.

5'3, ripped.

You like consumer

report things, Nick?

No, not really.

I mean, I kind of bought all the shit that I wanted to buy, and it doesn't work on me anymore.

Whoa.

You don't trust anyone?

No, it's just like, you know, I mean, I used to, when I didn't have money, I would go to Best Buy and be like, damn, what if one day I could watch DVDs

in a way that,

a middle-aged man does.

There's a specific room for it.

Oh, yeah, the home theater room.

Yeah, I just wanted to be one of those quiet fathers that reads consumer reports and has too much money.

But, you know, I mean,

I don't know.

If you buy two TVs, it's like

I don't fucking care anymore.

They're all good.

The next thing is, yeah, buying a Porsche, leaving it running in the garage.

The exhaust

snake.

Are you wearing the jacket and the gloves while you die?

Oh, yeah.

They do have that Ferrari jacket that they only let you buy at the Ferrari dealership if you have a Ferrari.

Nuh.

I think so.

Is it nice?

No.

No,

it's nice.

I have to have it.

Yeah.

If anyone here has a Ferrari and is a fat man, or I guess just go in and buy the fattest size they have and mail it to me.

I will give you $4,000 or

4Gs for the charge.

$400 or whatever it costs um

yeah

well you gotta fit in the ferrari first fat boy i can fit in a ferrari bitch how do you know you've never tried i know dude you've been in one they got because they make them for fucking leaders of industry

you know what i mean men who've grown fat off their riches

that's what i am

someone's telling me you need to i guess maybe it was even my girlfriend was telling me that like if you have a car like that you need to pay a race car driver to like take it around the track to like keep keep it functional.

If you have like a like an exotic car like that,

no, dude, you have to pay to get cucked by some fucking

son, yeah.

You gotta pay a real race car driver to like make it go fast.

Are you sure your girlfriend wasn't trying to introduce the idea of hiring a man

to use things the way you're not capable of?

She probably was.

It's cool that she thinks of herself as a Ferrari, yeah, and not a fucking Kia Sorrento or something.

No, she's like a Ferrari.

They're a type of Korean bullshit,

a Daewoo.

Daewoo Lano.

A Daewoo with rims on it.

That's what Dasha is?

No, no, not Dasha, the other one.

Oh, I didn't know this was.

My other girlfriend?

I didn't know.

Oh, no, no, it's my current.

Your Korean girlfriend, Joyce, which is why I said that.

No, well, she wasn't.

She wasn't.

And the rims do imply that she's a wigger.

She was a wigger.

I wasn't going to say her name, but I figured you'd be able to put it together.

Well, you said it.

I did.

I was

as you said it multiple times.

You weren't thinking about it.

It was actually Dasha, surprisingly enough, who told me that if you have a Ferrari, you need a private car.

Again, that totally makes sense.

And it kind of now.

I actually know a lot of, I know a lot of race car drivers, she said after that.

She never seen that.

We should all hang out.

Yeah.

Get to know each other.

Did they have Russian brand cars like during the Soviet Union?

Oh, yeah, good point.

They did?

Yeah.

What were they going to do?

There was a car that they.

You ever go to the Spy Museum?

No.

It's like the Spy Museum.

They have an exhibit of the way they would smuggle people across the border

from East Berlin into

chill Berlin.

Oh, nice.

Into the house music.

And then they have this mannequin jammed in the fucking engine bay of this shitty car.

Whoa.

So it was hot as shit.

What's that?

So it must have been very hot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I figured there was the most popular car in East Berlin was, I think, I don't know.

It may have been a German manufacturer.

I can't remember.

You know what?

This is a piece of trivia that slipped out of my head.

Oh, damn, dude.

But yeah, no, a lot of like

a lot of the cars in Cuba run off just like old Russian parts

because you know they're all the

bodies are from like the 50s or whatever.

Right.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm trying to have an old Russian-ass car, dude.

A Rubreski.

A Rubeski.

maybe called something like that yeah a pre-falls of the Berlin Wall car

riding around I mean they're like just they're pieces of shit I think they just drove like all like uh like two-stroke

just that's all I have like golf cart yeah like golf cart engines

producing a lot of pollution

good dude stunting

so we're all I guess thanks for coming to see us in DC this weekend

sleepy from from how much fun we had.

Yeah, dude.

We've been tuckered out for four days.

We were all on cocaine the whole time.

Yeah, we were just yipped up, hardcore style.

We had sex with a lot of male fans.

Oh, my God.

You don't know that, but if you do the $100 a month Patreon tier,

you're eligible for cock

from us after the shows.

What's good with you?

You sleepy, Nick?

Yeah, I'm okay.

You guys see that Mussolini's fucking granddaughter or some shit?

Yeah, I'd fuck her.

I would smash 100%.

She's got

big old duck lips.

She does, and she was also on Italian Playboy, apparently.

Was she?

So I think her titties are out there to be seen.

It's sick that she's in the parliament, you know?

You don't.

She is?

I didn't know that.

I didn't do any research on her.

She's like a member of their parliament.

I think the bitch's name Mussolini.

Research either.

First of all,

is she like married?

Did she keep Mussolini around?

Yeah, that doesn't make sense either because she's the granddaughter, but she's like, oh no, I don't want to take your name.

Nah, dude.

You don't see a lot of Hitlers in, you know, the

German parliament.

Fascists are still pretty chill.

Like, they still are pretty proud.

Greek fascists are still around, dude.

Golden Dawn?

Yeah.

And they were like, they're around from the 60s.

Oh, down for that.

Yeah, Italy is the same fucking way, dude.

What's her name, Mussolini?

Whatever, dude.

Angelica.

Angelica.

I fucked her.

What?

We all fucked her.

For real?

Yeah, yeah.

She got mad at Jim Carrey.

When did Jim Carrey start doing all these shitty-ass drawings, dude?

Why is that his thing now?

Because he killed his girlfriend.

He killed his 18-year-old girlfriend with bad drugs, so now he's dealt with it.

Was that one of the deleted scenes for that 13 movie or whatever?

The number?

What was that?

No, the number 23?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He had to kill his girlfriend to be method.

That movie was such a piece of shit.

I thought it was going to be so good.

Yeah, me too.

The trailer looked dope.

I think I was a freshman year at college or sophomore year of college when I saw that.

Yeah.

What are you looking at, nudes of that bitch now, Nick?

No, I was looking at that car.

Whatever, man.

Let's see.

Yeah, it's the Trebant.

That's a good name, dude.

Was that the Russian car?

It's the East, the car from East Germany.

Oh, that they smuggled people through.

Yeah, I remember just seeing that picture of the guy jammed in the engine bay.

Yeah, but it's just this, like, shitty two-stroke engine.

But it was, like, the most popular car in East Germany.

Oh, yeah, dude.

It's basically a go-kart.

That rocks.

Trabant.

Sounds like a man an African-American gentleman's name.

Yeah.

The Pontiac Trabant.

That's a cool.

Yeah.

Trabant, get your ass in here.

Why you got East Germans in your ass?

And that sort of thing.

Yeah, that's good.

Maybe a man named Trabant.

Are you sure it wasn't a man named Trabant

that would sneak Germans in his ass?

Oh,

n no, it's a car.

Oh, okay.

No, I'm looking at it now.

Just making sure.

Yeah, no, I just checked.

Can you double check that it's not a man's Germans?

Yeah, I'm checking again.

Hey, Siri.

Can you check and see if a man named Trebant snuck Germans in his ass

during

the 1980s model had no tachometer, no headlights or turn signals?

What?

You just drive in the dark blind?

Oh, sorry.

No headlights or turn signals indicator.

So you had no way of knowing whether the headlights were on or off.

No fuel gauge, no rear seat belts, no external fuel door.

And you have to pour a mixture of gasoline and oil directly into the engine.

Hell damn, dude.

That rocks.

I love how we front that Ronald Reagan gave a good speech, and that's why the Soviet Union fell apart, and how they were driving fucking clown cars around.

It was because Ronald Reagan gave a really scary speech.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My man had practice.

He was in Green Gables or whatever the fuck.

Who's the Green Gun or whatever?

He was in actually the naked gun.

Oh, speaking of the Naked Gun, my sister served O.J.

Simpson last night.

So this is

her restaurant.

This car is a piece of shit, right?

But because the company was a state monopoly, you had to sit on a 13-year waiting list.

That rules, dude.

Fuck.

And apparently, the juice said to my sister, she looked like a woman who enjoyed a nice massage.

OJ was trying to fucking fuck your sister.

I guess.

Yeah, and then he said, Did she?

No.

Why not?

That'd be funny to fuck OJ Simpson.

Honestly, it would be an honor.

It would be, dude.

Hall of Famer.

Jesus.

Buffalo Bills legend.

USC legend.

Just to imagine the nephews I'd have.

Oh, man.

Yeah, dude.

You get knocked up by the ball.

And

you know they'd be legacies at USC.

They get in no prob.

I wouldn't have to bribe them like Aunt Becky.

I love that shit.

Oh my God, a Friedland and a Simpson.

Now I'm having fantasies.

Although I guess...

Would you change your name to Adam Simpson if your sister got knocked up by O.

J.

Simpson?

I'd change my name to Adam O.

J.

Simpson Friedland.

And just replace the middle name.

You could just do that now.

I guess I could.

There's really nothing holding me back.

Nothing to stop you.

Yeah.

You better fucking do that shit.

I wonder if my dad still thinks OJ is innocent.

Because

he really used to think OJ was innocent.

Your dad thinks OJ's innocent, but that he is during the trial.

But that he is guilty of taking the memorabilia.

No, he got really mad about that, too.

Oh, really?

He's like, they set him up.

Which they did.

He was right.

No, my dad was watching the OJ trial and he was like,

the LAPD wants to set up a successful black man in America.

A fellow African.

Yeah, yeah.

How's your dad on Jossie Smollett?

I don't think he cared about Jussie Smollett.

I think he's just too sad about the no-collusion thing right now.

Oh, your dad really.

It's probably wrapped up in a blanket.

He was ready for Russians, huh?

Yeah, I mean, you watched Rachel Maddow for two years.

You turn into a real fucking psychopath.

I was trying to tell him.

yeah thank god my parents don't are too foreign to understanding yous yeah

my mom's watching like 13 reasons why or whatever the fuck's on netflix i think i think rachel maddow is doubled down i think she's like still collusion with russia respect finesse dude if she's getting all those baby boomers to watch like just double down why not don't lose those ratings should we start a news in a news network yeah but we got to come up with something even more salacious than russia

what do you got?

I don't know.

Hmm.

You got nothing?

I mean, give me a fucking day.

I'll come back.

I'll come up with Donald Trump.

Lono Mayer, definitely a terrorist.

We start there.

Donald Trump's Muslim.

There we go.

That's good.

There we go.

Donald Trump's a Muslim.

He was jealous of how tall the Twin Towers were because he's a notorious New York City real estate developer.

Interesting.

So he paid his Muslim brother his friends in Al-Qaeda, which he was a member of, to knock them down because they were too huge.

He was going to put up the Trump tower.

And he had penis envy of them because he also has a small...

That's good.

Like most Muslims, he has a Muslim size penis.

Don't forget to get his little hands in the mix.

Oh, small hands, too.

Yeah, he couldn't fly the plane.

He would have done it himself.

He would have done it, but his hands were too small.

To control the steering wheel.

Yeah, beat that matt out, you fucking stupid bitch.

That's good.

You look like her, too.

I know.

We have similar haircuts.

Similar haircuts?

She can probably grow a better mustache.

Probably.

She was actually a college athlete, I believe, so she's probably stronger than me.

Yeah, you would definitely lose in the fight to Rachel Matt Ow.

Yeah.

You still reading about that car, Brett Bett?

No, no, I was looking up more

Mueller report stuff.

What were you up to today?

Doing a little red Red Dead again, brother?

No, no, that was just on for a second while I was waiting for

some food to finish cooking.

What did we chef up?

Oatmeal.

Nothing in particular.

That's good, man.

Wait, weren't some people trying to make recipes from Red Dead?

I don't know.

I think there's some shit online where people are

cooking the recipes

and then posting the pics.

And then just waiting for

for women to have sex with them just waiting for the DMs to pour in yeah how would that work you know some hot bitch would see you posting your red dead you know meals and you get so turned on that she'd DM and be like I'd love to I'd love to

I'd love to fuck you

You know, that's all I got on that.

I think that would be hot.

I would fuck a bitch who DM me off of PlayStation.

You know, PlayStation, PlayStation Messenger?

That's where the good pussy is, dude.

Yeah.

You get on that shit?

Can you send pictures on PlayStation Messenger?

I don't know.

Have you ever tried?

I guess I've.

Somebody sent me a picture of a t-shirt on it, but I have no idea how you do it.

I've been watching the new season of Queer Eye.

I don't know if you guys know.

I have not.

And there's a blurred episode.

I just skipped all the episodes just to go to the black nerd episode.

Uh-huh.

And

really, really,

what a sweet person.

And,

you know, I don't think any of the changes that they instituted in his life are going to stick.

I mean, I think he's just going to.

They made him stop playing Wow.

And he's like, yeah, I'm going to go out.

Hell yeah, dude.

Wow will ruin your damn life.

And he's like, yeah, pretty much I was very outgoing.

And then my mother died when I was a child.

oh no now i like playing uh

you know role

uh what are they called mm r

mmorgs yeah yeah on massive multiplayer online

really gay shit yeah and then they took him to the because i guess it's taking place in kansas city they took him to that kansas city japan club which is like all the people that like anime and video games is a kansas city japan club i guess so and then they set him up like all hanging out and then they took the blurred to go to go hang out with him and then

he got anxiety like five minutes and they had a pep talk and they're like just ask them like what video games they like to play

and it's just so clear like yeah the second they're gone he's just gonna

log back into wow no he's like five five and uh what's wrong with that yeah i didn't ask he was i didn't ask an un a question that had nothing to do with it it was cute though they did ask him what his ideal look was, and he goes,

Donald Glover.

I find him look like that.

Was he gay or was he straight?

No, I think he was straight, but yeah, his only friend was his sister

who was kind of cute, actually.

They lived together.

She's like, whatever.

Well, you can bet on

whether that actually happened on that show or not.

You can watch it.

Bet DSI.

You can bet your sweet tits that you can do that.

At BetDSI.com, they've been in business over 20 years.

Doing what?

You might ask?

Paying winners.

I love that shit.

And telling losers to fuck off.

Fuck off, you fucking losers.

They got an easy-to-use

mobile playing interface.

You can play, win, and get paid.

You know, anywhere.

On the go, at home.

Use it on your phone while you're in the bathroom.

You know, you can conduct, you can gamble on your phone.

Use your phone to wipe your ass and scrape the shit off.

If you have an iPhone

10, you can sit in the bathtub

and take a bubble bath.

It's waterproof.

That's how they used to do it.

Back in the old days.

At the sports pub.

You have a big claw-foot tub, and you take a big bubble bath and gamble on

the bandingo fights.

Wheel your claw-foot tub into the drafting room and gamble on the plantation, the bet the SI plantation.

And that's why they were founded.

That's why they invented mobile playing interfaces.

Genteel, slender gentlemen.

So the dandies wouldn't have to

go down to

that fucking room from the end of the Sting

where people bet or whatever.

They offer odds on pretty much everything.

Not just sports, but also movies.

You can sit at home.

You rent the movie The Sting.

You have to sign a form that says you've never seen it.

And then you get to bet on what happens.

You just have to sign it.

There's a form you have to sign on the website that says, I promise I've never seen it.

I've never seen The Sting.

I've never seen Jurassic Park.

I've never heard that song.

And then you've got to bet on what happens in the movie.

They'll know if you're lying.

They'll know if you're lying because

the website installs a program on your computer that uses your camera and your microphone when you're not looking.

Yeah, it's Russian.

For your own safety.

For your own safety and corroborating your efforts.

To create an alibi for you.

In case some other stuff happens.

They offer live in-game wagering.

So if you're watching the movie and you'll be like, oh, never mind.

I've changed my mind.

I don't think Ripley's going to beat the alien, actually.

Yeah, I changed my mind.

I don't think that Joe Montaigne actually has feelings for this woman

in the David Mammon classic House of Games.

I think maybe he's lying to this woman because she's a mark, see?

A mark.

It's all a con.

You understand?

That's right, a con.

I said it, a con.

Don't you understand?

That's what it is.

A con, after all.

Page 282.

That's right, I said a con.

And you can bet on that.

Don't you understand?

Look at me.

I'm expressing emotion right now.

I'm furious.

I've never been more furious in my life.

Or am I?

It's a con, you see.

They offer live in-game wagering.

You make plays throughout the entire game.

Here's what we're going to be betting on this week.

We got

the final four.

Michigan State.

Baseball.

You play.

Fuck baseball.

You pick a team and you do it like high card, low card, $1,000 per game.

And you predict the entire season right now, high card, low card.

Actually, that would be pretty fun.

You could do like plus-minus wins.

You think the Orioles are going to get to 70 wins?

No.

No.

So you go take the under on that.

But it's more fun to do it like high card, low card.

Yeah.

You pair off with somebody

and then the money changes hands every single day.

So when you sign up, or is there other shit you're betting on?

I'm going to watch.

I'll probably see Captain Marvel.

I'll bet on that movie.

I saw it.

Don't tell me anything about it.

I don't want to spoil anything, but the most powerful thing in the universe is a white woman.

Is that what they say in the movie?

Is that a line from the movie?

No, it's kind of the implication, though, at the end.

David Mammet.

Okay, what did you just say?

That you're not going to spoil anything.

The implication at the end, huh, motherfucker?

David Mammet's Captain Marvel.

She's a bitch, you see?

She bitched everybody.

That's what cunts do.

Ever meet a cunt?

Well, I'm looking at one right now.

A regular St.

Louis Sally.

A cunt.

Listen,

are you going to take a shit or are you going to waste my time, pal?

I don't have time for cunts.

Listen, you're a cunt, see?

Don't give me those fucking no, no Hindus.

Yeah.

No Rajeshes.

That's my favorite part of it.

I like David Mammet, but I really don't know why I do.

It's so crazy.

Like when you watch Glengar Glenn Ross, and it's just like so racist towards Indians.

It's hilarious.

I don't remember that part.

They're mad anytime they get Indian leads.

Like if they have like an

Indian leader.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that makes sense, dude.

They're too busy at running subway franchises around 50 states.

Well, when you sign up, you make sure to use promo code CUM120 so they know we sent you, and that's at bettheasi.com.

And when you sign up, you've got some options.

You can just play and cash out, or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables.

It has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.

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If you use promo code COM120, that's C-U-M120 up to $1,000.

They're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which would turn $1,000 into $1,600 to play with.

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Come 120.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

This is how we have sex.

This is how we have sex.

We pull out our wieners.

My dick is small.

It's Friday night.

And my dick is small.

The parties here on the west side.

And I've never had sex with women.

I've only fucked men.

Suck my little penis.

Suck my little penis.

So that was uh

what was that, Black Street?

Mm-hmm.

Oh no, Montel Jordan.

If you could suck my dick, would you?

Montel Jordan's a pretty cool name.

Yeah, better than Montel Williams, pathetic name.

Why?

I don't know.

They're very similar names.

Montel Jordan.

He's the one,

the talk show.

No.

Montel Williams

was the talk show and now current marijuana advocate.

Well, my man has some kind of disease.

Glaucoma.

No, I think something with his joints that fuck that get fucked up.

I think he's going blind from glaucoma.

Maybe I'm wrong.

We should let Montel back on TV.

Give him a show, dude.

I want to see him yell at teenage parents.

You know, keep it really real with them.

If I had a show, I would get Prima prima nocta on the teenage parents.

Be able to fuck them.

Get first dibs on that pussy.

Yeah.

That's a good policy.

What would be a scenario in which

I would

come on?

Some girl will come on.

She's like, I'm 15 years old, and I have six.

And I don't care what my mom says.

And the mom's crying and stuff.

And then stuff's like, that's terrible.

But I have to go backstage.

disgusting so it's like the boot camp episodes yeah but you have to do that come out in like a Marine Corps outfit

way overweight and you scream at them and then they have to leave and have sex with you yeah and then they come back something like that yeah exactly they're wearing

I would wait until the age of consent in each state for legal purposes is on television after all

but I would show my full unblurred cock and the way you get around that is you blur everything but the cock so on the screen, it would just be nothing but blur, but my cock would be there, but you wouldn't see

that it was doing anything sexual.

How about a computer program that automatically blurs the vaginas in Asian porn, and then they use it, and then it blurs all of their eyes by accident.

Things are the third poster.

Yeah.

That's clever.

That would be yep.

That's one of the problems with AI that people don't think about.

It was too perfectly.

And it could be a sketch as part of a larger sketch that's a Japanese version of Mad TV.

Yes.

Isn't most of Japan's takes on sketch comedy?

Isn't Japan Japanese TV essentially what if everything was mad TV?

What if Mad TV started?

What if Mad TV was like the start and then we got crazier from there?

It seems like they have a very Mad TV ethos.

Yeah,

I think that's what comedy is in most places in the world.

No, no, comedy in most places in the world is a guy dressing as a woman.

Yeah.

Which is Mad T Mad T V was

all about that.

No, it was much more, it was much more nuanced than that.

Yeah, Mad T V was more like something, something but gay.

Yeah,

which is effectively what we brother, sign me up on this program.

Sign me up and fuck me.

Let me get my dick sucked.

After I sign a contract

Selling you my pussy

So we we're all hyped up on that mayor

Pete butt edge edge butt edge

I'm trying to edge edge edge on his butt cheeks.

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, we're on the Pete train

I'm trying to fuck his husband dude.

He's trying to be president.

He's trying to be the president right now.

That's pretty stupid.

Yeah.

He seems like a guy that's like in an apella group.

Yeah, that's definitely what his vibe is.

Like, you know, the a cappella groups that go to elementary schools and they're like all excited to be there because they think that elementary school age kids don't know what gay is.

It's the one place he can be free, free of society.

These kids don't understand that we're complete fucking losers.

Little does he know, dude.

They get it the most.

Yeah.

There'll be like six kids that really get it and are ruthless.

Yeah.

Damn.

One time they had a bitch do tango or like do like not tango, but like that Spanish shit where you clap, you have little clappers in your hand.

The clickers.

The clickers.

Yeah.

Castellanettes.

Yes.

And I remember being horny in like third grade, dude.

You liked it.

I wanted her to fuck me.

She was stomping, too?

She was doing stomping and looping.

Yes, sir.

Hornier than...

One time they brought in a belly dancer.

And I I wasn't as horny.

Some of the school?

Yeah.

Some about...

For

children?

Yeah.

There was no educational purpose, and it's just like, let's look at...

Yeah, I don't remember what happened.

She came to our look at this Turkish lady.

I think it was like under the guise of cultural something.

And I wasn't as horny.

And I was up close with her.

And I guess I could see belly, too, if I recall.

I think maybe she was a little more modest than usual.

But dude, the fucking Castell, the Dan Castellanetta, or whatever the fuck that bitch is called.

Yeah.

Whew.

I wanted her to clack them little shits all over my nuts, dude.

Yeah, one time we had a Holocaust survivor come,

and I got real torqued up.

I think I told this story before.

She was talking about how, like, she, her family gave her these diamonds, she put them in her pussy, and she had to eat them on the train to Auschwitz.

And then, like, when she got to Auschwitz, she had to, like, search through her poop for it.

She had to sh in continuously.

And she was like, and that's how terrible the Holocaust was.

And all of us were like, that's disgusting.

Yeah.

This lady was eating poop diamonds for four years.

That's wild.

Yeah.

Put them in your poop.

And then we got in trouble for laughing when she was talking about searching through her poop.

That bitch needs to understand her audience.

I don't know.

Imagine you're like a guard.

And you just like, you were a guy that was just in the German army.

And I know that's not really how the Holocaust worked, but you were in the German army prior to the war.

You're not a member of the Nazi Party.

You're having to load these Jews on the trains, and you're like,

I'm committing an atrocity.

Like, I can't, I don't know how to fucking live with myself.

I'm powerless to like stop it.

You know, you're just sort of in this funk, and it's like, these are human beings.

And then there's like Jewish people eating diamonds out of shit.

You're like, oh, never mind.

Oh, I guess.

Yeah, I guess all the videos we had to watch were correct.

I mean, honestly, that was kind of our reaction as, you know, fourth graders.

Did they make it the whole way?

At a Jewish day school that closed the next year.

That was the last year I went to private school.

Oh, really?

I went to public school in fifth grade.

After that general pop for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, my parents, yeah, then they were like.

I was never a fucking private school bitch like you, dude.

I was always in the streets.

They tried to make it work in Vegas with the Jewish school, and they kept closing down.

I think now there is one, though.

Whatever, it's not interesting.

This is really boring.

No, it isn't.

But why would they choose to tell that story, though?

I mean, I think they were trying to say this is how bad the Holocaust was.

But the Holocaust was bad.

I mean, there were death camps or there were gas people.

I don't understand there being anybody that's like,

but what else happened?

Yeah.

Our teachers.

They tried to take our diamonds away.

They're like, what?

Now it's.

I mean, people shouldn't have diamonds.

No, I mean,

there's no,

it's nothing other than just like a symbol of forwarding wealth.

What our teacher said.

No, she said it was from her great-grandparents or something.

But what our teacher said to us was that all the survivors were about to die.

So it was like we were lucky.

That's when we were getting yelled at.

That's what they were saying.

Why are heirlooms okay, but intergenerational wealth isn't?

Because one's like a fun little trinket, the other one's like, you know, five yachts, and you know what I'm saying?

It's too much.

It's a scale thing.

You can't be like, hey, what the hell?

I mean, if someone's like, this slave was a family heirloom.

No, that app.

What?

Yeah, they would, yeah.

I mean, yes, there were people that...

Within the context of like slavery, there were people that just thought it was like, that's the way things are supposed to work.

Yeah, it's your property.

Yeah.

So like they obviously had like sentimental value for a slave the same way that somebody would have sentimental value for a fucking car.

Yeah.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, but it's.

No, you're right.

In retrospect, isn't that crazy?

Oh, this is my favorite boy.

Jesus, you're right.

But I mean, like,

today, if someone was like.

Yeah, there's a couple of like response novels to Uncle Tom's Cabin by southern writers.

Dist tracks.

Basically,

there's one called The Sword and the Distiff, and then there's another one that's called

The Planter's Northern Bride or The Planter's Northern Wife.

And, yeah, both of them are just like about

how slavery is good.

And

the slaves and the books.

And obviously, it's just racist bullshit.

Yeah,

trying to express, express like, no, we love these slaves.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

These are our pets.

Well then, didn't someone try to do that like two years ago?

Some Philippine.

Everyone, oh, yeah.

What was that?

Some some guy was like, Yeah, my family is a slave and it's okay.

Yeah.

Some Asian guy tried to do it.

That would be crazy.

I mean,'cause like, you know, Spike Lee already made that movie, uh,

the CSA or whatever, but if to update that even for now, like ten, fifteen years after it came out, if like slavery slavery still existed, like people posting pictures of their slave to R/slash A.

Like a slave, a slave.

What was that kitty cat subreddit you showed me?

What's that?

Oh, cat loafs or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, slave loaves.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I really should not have cut off that reddish.

Oh, no, no, that's all right.

No, you shouldn't have, Adam.

Like, look at this cute outfit I dress my slave in.

Yeah.

This one's dressed like an army man.

Yeah, I guess that is what would be happening.

Damn, good thing we don't have slavery, except, I guess, if you're building the World Cup stadium in Abu Dhabi or whatever.

There's also if it had continued on, because

I guess what was it made?

When was it made?

Like

64?

Well, that was the Civil War.

And the Emancipation Proclamation freed the slaves.

But like,

slave trade was illegal long before before that.

Owning slaves wasn't, but they were.

Oh, they stopped the trade first?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, if it just continued, eventually they would probably because there would be no utility for like, you know,

you wouldn't have

most people would have like white-collar jobs.

So

if they never gave like humanity to be able to.

Can you go get my seamless?

And they continued to be like

not even considered human, they would eventually have like bred some crazy-looking crazy-looking black people.

You know, like that the chihuahua version.

Yeah, if you look at if you look at

eugenics, right?

If you let look at dogs prior to like 1910,

they all kind of looked pretty normal.

There weren't any like

chihuahuas or bulldog.

Like, imagine like the bulldog version of black people, I guess, is what

is what where that path would have led.

Lavelle Crawford.

Yeah, I think CeeLo Green is probably the closest look.

Ceeilo, yeah, yeah.

The closest look we have at that alternate alternate universe where black people become luxury items for old women.

Jesus Christ.

Like you can have like a toy black guy.

Yeah.

Like a black guy that only grows to maybe be about two foot three.

Like a Gary Coleman.

And he's got like a huge underbite and he struggles to breathe and he only lives ten years.

His hips can't handle his proportions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You would have to jack him off to the bottom.

His head's always just poking out of some rich lady's purse.

Oh, no.

Jesus Christ.

Well, I mean, that's what would have happened.

That's what experiments.

Yeah.

We're not saying it's good.

This is an alternative history.

Yeah, this is sort of like hardcore history with Dan Carlin.

Is that what happens on that podcast?

Yeah, he talks about slavery.

Yeah, I've never heard an episode, but

I think that's what it is.

If I'm correct, it's him talking about breeding black people.

Dan Carlin.

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My dick's hard because I blue chill.

My dick is hard as shit.

I've never fucked.

What are we talking about?

Breeding slaves?

You've never taken a dick fill, Adam?

I did, yeah, once.

Only one time, though.

Who did you fuck?

And it worked.

Somebody.

Oh, yeah.

Just somebody.

A woman.

A woman

who was maybe on the clock.

No.

I didn't say for what.

I didn't say for what?

It was a woman who was working at a McDonald's.

Yeah, and you fucked her.

She let me back into the refrigerator room.

And

you filled her pussy full of frozen patties.

No, no, no.

It was nothing like that.

It was nothing.

And she was like, go deeper.

And I kind of said, I'm as hard as I'll ever be.

And she was like, wrap your cock around some fucking McGriddle.

Wrap some McGriddles around your cock to fill it out.

And so you did just that.

Yep.

You stuffed a couple sandwiches at the end of the condom.

McGriddles are pretty good.

They are.

Actually,

I take that back.

What?

Yeah, I don't like them.

Fucking loser.

My face feels sticky the rest of the day.

That's because you suck the man's penis.

I want to get one of those tiny cast irons for making.

I have one.

Like the real small ones.

There's like one egg.

Yeah, for making like the size egg for a breakfast sandwich.

Bro, honestly, I was thinking about getting rid of mine.

I'll bring it over, see if it's worth it.

The really tiny ones.

It's tiny as shit.

I'm talking about like the size of a post-it note.

Oh, no, not that small.

But it's small.

I'll send you a picture.

No, I know.

It's probably the six-inch one, but I want the.

They make them.

I think it's four inches.

Well, post-it notes probably, what, three inches?

Yeah.

So, yeah, if it's four.

I'll show it to you.

I think it might do what you want.

I might just bike over to Target after this

and buy

a tiny cast iron.

Make perfect breakfast sandwiches?

I don't know, man.

What's up, man?

You trying to kill yourself?

No, not even.

It's too late for that.

You seem down, brother.

No, I'm actually in a pretty good mood.

Just uh

just slower pace for me.

We're hot off our big show in Washington, D.

C.

at the Black Cat,

which was great.

And hopefully we'll be bringing that to your town soon.

I did email uh a woman who books like little theaters around the country, so we might we might legitimately be in business.

And uh we're figuring out details of a Euro tour as well.

It's gonna be like that movie Euro trip.

And I'm going to be Fred Armason and I'm going to rape you guys in a train.

Urine Trip?

No.

Oh.

Urine Trip.

How about the

urine P and Union?

The Urine Pioneer

Union.

Yeah.

I like that.

I would want a Brexit too if there was

a German

homos trying to tell me I got to buy everything with their piss.

No thanks.

A bunch of Bavarians pulling out their fucking weird cocks out of later hosen, making you sip on it.

Some pepper snorting kraut wants me to buy his piss for free?

No tax?

I don't think so.

That makes sense, dude.

So instead of Euros, the Euro and Ping Union would sell their currencies little jars of piss?

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, I guess.

I want one of those ear necklaces.

What do you want?

What's that?

Like from the Vietnam War?

Oh, a necklace necklace with your

people you've murdered's ears.

Yeah.

Okay.

Was that they did that in Vietnam?

It sounds like an Old West kind of thing.

You know what I would do if I was a poacher?

I'd have a headdress with an elephant's actual ears on the side.

That'd be pretty cool.

Yeah.

I'd have an elephant's ears taped to my head.

And then a lion's mane and an elephant's ears.

You make some freak animals.

And

a zebra's dick,

which I hope looks like the rest

i hope i think it's fleshy like a horse's well i would say it's like gray and black we're gonna have to enslave the zebras and spend a couple years making them fancy you ever seen a giraffe's tongue no

it's black

is it no

a zebra's cock looks pretty black to me unfortunately does it

looks long looks good whoa

this is a big cock.

I think, well, horses tend to have big cocks.

Yeah, but then, ooh, damn, zebra pussy looks kind of good, though.

Yo, I'm telling you, horses got good-looking pussies.

Dude, look at these two zebras getting ready to make that bubblegum.

Damn,

that's a juicy gut bubblegum.

That's some dick, dude.

You're right.

I told you, bro.

You guys didn't say anything about that video of the chimpanzee with his tiny cock that I saw the other day.

I didn't see it.

I didn't get it.

It was

pretty funny.

It was just a chimpanzee.

Zebra stripes are cool, man.

I want to kill one small ass cock.

Obviously, yeah,

zebra skin rugs are

pretty nice.

My buddy Max has one.

Is it real?

I think it might be.

Yeah, I think it is.

I think that zebra died ethically, though.

No way.

Yes, of course.

Ethical zebra rugs.

Would you be a poacher for a zebra, Nick?

Yeah, I would love to be a poacher.

No, poaching makes me really sad.

Shut up, Adam.

They always have those documentaries about those kind park rangers in the Congo.

And they're going to go.

They're like, I'm the only one that's protecting these beautiful creatures.

They're going to fucking end up fucking dead.

And then some fucking

tamer-Rhodesian special forces guys, like, you know, we get to kill all of the fucking.

It takes a lot of integrity to be a poacher.

How so?

Well, because people already don't like regular hunters.

You have to be willing to accept being hated by every part of the animal kingdom.

They're true outlaws.

So you like, that's what appeals to you is hatred, is universal hatred.

Yes.

Interesting.

And the elephant ear hat.

Yeah, and the zebra cock.

What would the zebra cock be again?

A belt?

Yeah, I guess something.

Well, now that I saw it and it doesn't look like the rest of the zebra, I've lost interest in that.

What animal has the most colorful cock, would you think?

I don't know.

Probably a turtle.

Probably some kind of weird thing.

Yeah, have you seen a turtle's cock?

It's weird, dude.

Isn't it like a cock?

It gets wide at the end.

Oh, yeah, we're.

Oh, no.

Ducks have the ones that are like scorpion for Mortal Kombat, where they like throw them out there and then they grab bitches.

Yeah.

It's like a little rape hook.

Yeah, like a corkscrew.

Get over here.

I would like to be an octopus.

They are the smartest animals, people say.

But they're smart in a different way than people are.

In what way?

Well,

do they have language?

The way they think about things is completely different.

You know, they're not mammals.

Right.

They got brains all over the place, too.

Yeah.

It's not a central nervous system.

That shit's everywhere, bro.

It's just fucked up.

They're like aliens.

Yeah, like their arms have independent neurons.

So, like, if you cut an octopus's arm off.

It grows back, right?

Well, it operates autonomously.

What the fuck, dude?

It's not a fucking.

Oh, a starfish does that?

No.

My dick does.

I thought an octopus's arm grows back.

It doesn't grow back, dude.

That'd be fucking wild.

If it does, I'll be mad.

Because that means there's a fucking...

If I got a pet octopus, I could cut its fucking arm off every day and have fresh octopus.

That would be fucking awesome.

There you go.

Ethical octopus, dude.

I love some grilled octopus.

Grilled pulpo, dude?

Love that shit.

If I could be an animal,

hmm.

I want to say a bird so I can soar in the skies, but that's probably not true.

A bull.

A strong oxen.

As long as I get some cow pussy.

And I can fucking

break like a rodeo guys' necks when they try and best me and I'll never let them.

I'll never be broken, dude.

I'm a wild fucking animal.

But I am getting cow pussy on the farm.

Can you kill a bull and eat it like steak?

Yeah, it's the same meat.

Really?

They're the same animal, so yeah.

Damn.

When we eat chicken, though, isn't that just women?

Yeah.

Don't they kill baby roosters?

Yeah, I think, well, the hens are fatter.

That fupa.

Yeah.

Adam, what animal would you be?

Probably just a guy with a bigger cough.

That's what I want to be reading.

Reading Barnes.

He's like a Dominican teenager.

Good at baseball.

You just have a heater.

You just throw 97.

Yeah, just kind of a Danny L.

Cock is soft,

six and a half, soft, thick, dude.

Yeah, just one of those big, uncut, brown.

The pirates just fucking.

The pirates just brought clean water to your whole village, dude.

Yeah.

I would love that.

That would be awesome, dude.

a g that's that would be fucking tight.

I think having sonar would be pretty cool, too.

Dolphins have that, right?

Echo location.

Bats.

Ah, fuck.

Bats.

You know my opinion on bats.

But I just I walk into a room full of women and I start s screaming a really high-pitched tone.

And then I find the one with the tightest pussy based on circumference.

And I go out turn.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah.

After I'm finished screeching to echo my ear.

I find the one.

Hello, madam.

And then I just extend my elephant ears at them until they're so impressed that they have to have sex with me.

I really marvel at Nick's ability to just invent new ways of woman bothering on every episode.

Not only are you shouting at me.

For the purpose of sex, you found a way to both harass a woman verbally while looking at her pussy.

Well, I said sonar.

I said sonar would be pretty cool.

I don't know what you thought I meant by that, other than screeching to find out the physical dimensions of a room full of women's vaginas.

Oh, fuck yes, dude.

Yep.

Yep.

Asians really like respect.

I know.

That's a big part of their thing, is respect.

Yeah, and honor.

Yeah.

Sitting down in uncomfortable ways and

respecting each other.

Man, I really wish I could have that breakfast in Tokyo every day.

You could, dude.

Nah.

Become a Harajuku boy.

Move to Harajuku.

Yeah, start wearing wearing pink.

I don't know.

Start wearing pink.

I don't want to be like one of these.

Those dresses.

Those expat people.

Yeah.

they were nice but i felt like it was weird yeah they were pathetic well no they were nice it just get to sense that they like

have been in a cave or something exactly yes it's like you're not you don't have anything in common with any of these people

completely disconnected from like the world you belong in right it's like it's like when a fucking it's like if you grew up locked in a mall overnight kind of yeah it's a lot of guys that probably still use the term and identify with metrosexual

Wow, the last time that they've been in America was in like 2005.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's like their whole culture is like made up of like, I don't know, a thousand people.

Not even.

They probably have like

30 friends.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was thinking, you're talking about those comics.

I was thinking about those dudes at the fucking

anti stores.

No, those were visitors, dude.

Those were all visitors, yeah.

We're talking about the guys that live in Japan and just are like kind of normal

damn

they're probably on visas there, though.

They're probably not residents.

No, dude, they probably live there.

I think it's really hard to get set up.

They knocked up Japanese women.

That's what everyone that's what they do.

Yeah, that's what those African guys do.

Yeah, yeah, their GIs, all that shit.

Oh, yeah, whoa, cool.

if you if you could be an expat anywhere though

would you be you'd be like a thailand guy at him doing sex crimes um yeah thailand you know saving saving boys from caves i live i live in amsterdam baby oh smoking that loud smoking ganja riding my bicycle

getting absolutely an incredible amount of illicit pussy but it's for free error but it's legal

and then also going to museums i fucking love Amsterdam, dude.

I want to I'm going to l have a little boat and have a fucking bike.

Have a wife that just fucking makes me like a little cheese pie.

A big titted wife wearing clogs.

Heavy wa heavy titted wife.

With blonde ass freckles and shit.

Damn, dude.

I fucked her.

You fucked my fictional wife?

You fucked Ingrid?

Yeah, I fucked Ingrid.

That's low even for you, Adam.

Oh, I can go lower.

Did you fuck my little son also?

Yes.

I fucked Petter.

My son Peter topped you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Petter Van Halkius.

That's right, dude.

Von Halkius.

Is that where Von Dutch started?

Is that a Dutch company?

Yes.

Is that what they're all like over there?

Everyone wears Von Dutch hats.

They wear a lot of von Dutch hats.

It's just guys that look like Ashton Kutcher and bitches that look like Paris Hilton.

Dude,

2003 is alive and well.

Trucker hats,

belts with like holes in the middle of them.

Pranking celebrities.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was great.

I did used to.

Those were the days.

I used to love prank shows.

The war in Iraq, we didn't know it was a lie yet.

I still trusted Colin Powell.

Yeah.

I said, God damn it, if he isn't an honorable man,

I don't know who is.

I still thought, well, at least Colin Powell.

We could trust him because he's black.

Yeah, and he's named after Donald Powell.

He's named after an asshole.

Yeah.

Yeah, what the fuck?

Shouldn't his name be Colin?

Yeah, it's Colon.

Damn, you're right.

He is named after an asshole.

Yeah, male G-Spot Powell, dear.

No, that's the prostate.

Prostate powell.

What's the colon?

It's your asshole?

I think

it's a tube in your ass.

It's a large intestine.

Oh.

It's a big tube in your ass.

That goes to your ass?

The colon connects to your ass?

I thought if you get colon cancer, it's basically ass cancer.

That's right.

It's a tube in your ass.

But prostate cancer is also ass cancer.

That's the part.

The prostate is the back of your dick.

It's where your asshole and dick intertwine.

It's one of God's most beautiful inventions.

If you'll recall from Road Trip, where Stiffler gets three fingers in his ass.

That was a big moment for queer culture in this country.

That is why I did.

I'm talking about getting penetrated in this.

I did try and get...

I put a pencil and then a candle up my ass to try and hit that.

I put an electric toothbrush in my ass, made it buzz.

And then, you know what, my dad didn't even notice that his toothbrush was missing.

It was tasted funny.

Is that a true story?

No, I made it up.

He did it Brussels up.

Bristol, I mean.

Bristol.

Let's see what this whole gay thing's all about.

I know people that

do ass stuff that aren't gay.

Yeah.

No, that's not.

wants his wife to peg him.

Really?

His wife?

Yeah, I don't know if they've done it or not.

He wants it.

Yeah.

That's so funny.

He announced.

Please fuck my ass.

They're having lasagna.

So, Carol, have you given any thought to that thing I was talking about?

Yeah.

I just, it feels weird.

I like the idea of telling your friends that you want it before your wife's even giving it up.

Just putting the political pressure on her.

I remember seeing some video of like a security footage from some like business or whatever, and they caught like one of the employees beating off at work when he thought he was the only one there.

Absolute.

But he pulls his pants all the way down and shoves his finger up his ass while he's beating off.

And it's like, man, it must suck to be into that because then you have to do that every time.

Yeah, dude.

You just always have shit on your hand.

Yeah, your index finger.

Yeah.

Well, you can wash your hands off.

Yeah, but it's under your nails.

Yeah, that smell doesn't come off every fucking tree sap.

Yeah, that's true.

But how do gay guys do it?

They seem so clean.

I miss climbing trees.

That was a simple pleasure.

I'd get up there, dude.

I was pretty good, too.

They used to have to yell at me.

I'd get to the top of the tree, and I would refuse to come down.

Ow!

Wow!

You'd throw things at people?

No, I wouldn't say anything.

I'd sit up there silently and ignore their pleas

to return.

I would throw my shit at this awful earth.

I,

you know, I found it to be very overrated climbing trees.

Yeah.

You weren't taking a tremendous trend.

I could have, but I thought it was stupid.

Yeah.

But I definitely could have.

And I want that on the record.

I could climb trees.

I could climb fences.

I could do a whole lot of vertical stuff.

No problem.

We should get back into that kind of stuff, guys.

30 is not too old to get scuffed up knees again.

Well, you can go rock climbing.

Yeah, everyone rock climbing.

People do that shit.

I can't do my arms.

Your arms are too short?

Yeah, my ape index sucks.

They call it your ape index.

It's your height versus your wingspan.

That really seems like it should not be the name of the army.

Yeah, it's fucked up now that I say it out loud.

I never really thought of that, but I was dating a girl that was a rock climber, and that's what she said.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was also a member of the Klu Klux Kluck.

Did she have any other political leanings?

No, she was pretty.

She was

ape index?

Yeah.

Imagine being like

getting into rock climbing.

Well, I mean, if your wingspan is like two inches longer than your height, you're a plus two ape index.

But my arms, I think, are shorter than my height.

Yeah, mine probably aren't shorter.

Probably means I have.

Are black guys into rock climbing?

No, but they would.

It's like any other sport.

They would probably be the best at it.

Yeah, they'd probably kill it.

They'd probably have to change the design of the prison walls after

that became a popular thing.

Yeah, they wouldn't have to put it in the middle of the day.

That specific index is something, that index,

which I will not name because it's very problematic.

I really hope

that

isn't something that I just made up.

That sounds right.

I think it's right.

Yeah.

They got it.

It would be really bad.

Because there's no way the people that thought of that weren't like.

Ape index or ape Factor or Gorilla Index.

Damn.

Oh, fuck.

Is that a picture of the Vitruvian man on that Wikipedia article?

That is.

For Ape factor.

Very good.

You know what the name of that thing is?

Yeah, Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.

I wish they had his dick going in eight different directions, too.

Yeah.

See his dick going at all

12 o'clock, 3 o'clock,

9 o'clock.

He's a hard-ass dick leaning a bunch of different ways.

Get back on it, Leonardo, you old pervert.

He was fucking boys.

I think he was fucking men.

Oh, that's awesome.

He's a homosexual.

He was just a good old man.

As was Isaac Newton, I believe.

Isaac Newton was too.

Yeah, because everyone says he died a virgin because he didn't have a wife, but it's like, come on, man.

He was a gay.

He was a confirmed bachelor.

Yeah, exactly.

One of those.

That was nice.

Before the whole,

you know, people accepting gay people, you could just

be seen as like an old pimp.

Yeah.

A bachelor.

A Hugh Heffier type.

Oh, my God.

Look at that guy.

He's such a batch.

He's a fucking pimp.

He must be a real pimp.

I wish I was a bachelor.

He's been single for 30 years.

Imagine all the pussy he's gotten.

The Snatcheler?

The Snatcheler.

On tonight's episode of The Snatcher,

which is like The Bachelor, but

he puts the rose in their pussy.

Oh, I thought he just does a blindfold sniff test.

That would be good, too.

Yeah.

It's one episode long.

He smells 24 vaginas.

If you smell 24 in a row, could you even tell the difference?

Well, you'd have to have some sort of grading rubric after each one.

You'd have to cleanse your

nostrils to smelling salts in between.

Yeah, you'd have to have a fresh,

kind of a fresh perspective

before each new puss.

Kind of like how you eat ginger in between different types of fish when you're eating sushi.

I out two girls in quick succession, and

I used a saltine cracker, like the Pepsi challenge, to give them each, to make sure I wasn't,

you know,

so I could go in fresh each time.

That's a clever way to sneak eating saltine crackers into

having sex.

Yeah.

Sub, you're a real pussy connoisseur.

Oh, no, I'm not just eating crackers.

Yeah, no, it's going to take a whole sleeve.

I'm not trying to incorporate eating into this threesome, which will probably never happen again in my life.

Happened twice, thank you.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, thanks.

Nick, do you ever it was too much?

Do you ever fuck two guys at the same time?

I got him.

No, never.

What's that called?

The devil's gay sex.

Yep.

Just have an old recycling symbol looking.

It'd be tight if Kavanaugh was like.

That refers to gay sex me and two of my friends were having.

Yes, that would be.

The devil's triangle is when three guys have sex with each other.

So there's no way

Garth over here could have been involved in that.

That would rule if he was just like, I didn't rape, I was gay.

Yeah, he's like, I only had gay sex until I had to pretend to be Christian to become president or whatever I am.

The king of being a judge or whatever job this is.

Counsel of at least.

Yeah, until actually,

you can ask the FBI.

I pretty much was gay until last week.

isn't that right?

They just bring the FBI in and just show pictures of him holding hands with guys,

getting fucking

getting brunch together.

Yeah, they called it Georgetown Prep because they needed that for all the HIV.

That's where they invented prep.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Nice, nice, nice.

Thank you.

I am a muddy historian.

What'd you do today, Adam?

I was working on my 2018 taxes.

Damn, still haven't done your taxes, you lazy bitch.

Hopefully, by the end of this week, they'll be done.

Me and Nick are business owners, alright?

I know.

Well, my LLC or my S-Corp will be done also this week, too.

I'm waiting this

small cock operational federal government to cash that fucking check so I know how much money I have.

They didn't cash yours yet?

No, the state did, but not the federal government.

Well, I would probably send them off at different days.

Yeah, that's true.

Or the if your dick is small, they wait longer.

Hold on.

I'm just getting a phone call.

Who's that?

The government?

The IRS, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, you do wait really a long time if their dick is small?

But if their dick is big, you you do it immediately.

Oh, okay, thank you.

Oh, hello, I'm looking at my bank statement.

I guess they cashed it uh

weeks and weeks ago, and that's why I didn't see it.

My mistake.

Damn it.

I'm getting another call.

Oh, Psych?

Oh, the IRS said psych.

And actually, the earlier the gayer, and that they haven't cached mine yet.

Oh, well, now I've realized I was looking at your bank account, which I have access to.

At the bank, they said if your dick's bigger than another guy's, you just get access to his bank account.

What?

Wait, is that you?

Let me call the bank real quick.

They checked our files and said, I deserved to have access to your voting money.

Yeah.

No, that's what's happening now.

Oh, fuck.

Let me tab over to mine.

Yeah, it looks like whatever we said the thing is

is now in my favor.

I just called someone and they told me that the other thing actually was.

Yeah, well, I just got a Megan alert on my phone that says you're gay.

My phone's buzzing.

An Amber alert.

I'm getting a Megan's Law thing here that says you're a faggot.

Wow, that is fucked up, dude.

I'm about to call Apple.

Actually, Apple just called me and they said every iPhone is wrong.

Damn.

But I'll use it.

I guess we'll probably have to go deal with that then.

Yeah.

Yes.

All right.

Bye, guys.