Ep. 149 – the spy museum

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Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 I am gay and my penis is small.

Speaker 2 Robot noises.

Speaker 3 Horrid dick robots assemble.

Speaker 3 That's a little teaser.

Speaker 2 So, how's everyone doing?

Speaker 3 I got an animated pilot on the works.

Speaker 3 That's a little taste.

Speaker 2 A robot? A pilot? Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's a Gundam

Speaker 2 Gundam Warrior.

Speaker 2 But the only thing that changes is the penis.

Speaker 3 The cockets, yeah.

Speaker 2 You got a metal penis. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 Different alloys. Right.

Speaker 2 Normally your penis just looks like a toy car or a bus. Mm-hmm.
And then it transforms. Yeah, my softcock is a metal penis.

Speaker 3 My softcock is a little VW Hot Wheels car.

Speaker 3 And then when it gets hard, it's a sword.

Speaker 3 A brown and like white sword.

Speaker 2 Nice. Thanks, man.

Speaker 2 I'm looking at XLR cables. Oh, yeah? You thinking about upgrading?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I figured I might as well

Speaker 2 replace the equipment that breaks half the time.

Speaker 3 When are we going to have a futuristic studio, dude?

Speaker 2 Make your living room a bunch of people. As soon as Ralph's dad builds it for us.

Speaker 3 We should have a living room that's like...

Speaker 3 We should make your living room a fucking.

Speaker 3 We all have like giant chairs that go back all the way, gaming chairs, dude. But they recline completely, so we can lay down if we need to.

Speaker 2 Oh, like a like airline.

Speaker 3 Exactly. Yeah.
We should all have a little booth like we're flying first class on Emirates.

Speaker 3 And we should have a stewardess while we record.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I don't want to see your hair, dude. I want to see it covered up.
Like a

Speaker 2 shit.

Speaker 3 That's what they're doing. They're still.

Speaker 2 They're having a way to be hot. They're hot, but still

Speaker 2 Syria law. Yeah.
Interesting. That's why they look like that.

Speaker 3 Didn't they buy another airline or something? Didn't they buy Air France?

Speaker 3 Emirates? Or something like that?

Speaker 2 Or Delta? I don't know. All I know is that they sponsor a lot of soccer team jerseys.
They do.

Speaker 3 That's why I support them.

Speaker 3 Soccer teams have no problem

Speaker 3 doing business with just

Speaker 3 slavery countries.

Speaker 2 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And being owned by

Speaker 2 oligarchs and stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nick, what are you doing? Shopping? I'm looking for a replacement XLR cable.

Speaker 3 What are you looking for?

Speaker 2 What are your top qualifications at an XLR cable? Reading some article about uh

Speaker 2 the best ones. I don't know, something that's uh th

Speaker 2 not gonna have a bunch of interference, I guess.

Speaker 3 Sturdy.

Speaker 2 Who wrote the article? I don't know.

Speaker 3 I'm a fucking genius, dude.

Speaker 2 Thewirecutter dot com.

Speaker 2 Why do I trust that website?

Speaker 3 It's your favorite website.

Speaker 2 They've led me astray on half of the purchases that they have taken. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think when I moved into a new apartment, I was like just looking at whatever wire cutter told me to buy with like can openers and stuff. And I think they were like wrong half the time.
Damn.

Speaker 3 It's here in New York.

Speaker 2 But it's nice having someone tell me what to do.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 You want a Dom.

Speaker 2 I just want to. Well, I don't want to have to,

Speaker 2 you know, look at it. You're a sub in the website is a Dom.
I just don't like the

Speaker 2 stress of not, you know,

Speaker 3 daddy to tell you get on your knees on all fours.

Speaker 2 I need daddy wire cutters

Speaker 2 I just love to see a picture of what that guy looks like, though.

Speaker 3 Oh, dude, you know he's squat, but stocky.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 5'3, ripped.

Speaker 2 You like consumer

Speaker 2 report things, Nick?

Speaker 2 No, not really. I mean, I kind of bought all the shit that I wanted to buy, and it doesn't work on me anymore.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 You don't trust anyone? No, it's just like, you know, I mean, I used to, when I didn't have money, I would go to Best Buy and be like, damn, what if one day I could watch DVDs

Speaker 2 in a way that like a middle-aged man does with a specific room for it and oh yeah, the home theater room.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just wanted to be one of those like quiet fathers that like reads consumer reports and has too much money. But you know, I mean, I

Speaker 2 don't know.

Speaker 2 You buy two TVs. It's like

Speaker 2 I don't fucking care anymore. They're all good.
The next thing is, yeah, buying a Porsche and leaving it running in the garage.

Speaker 2 The exhaust.

Speaker 3 Snake to it. Are you wearing the jacket and the gloves while you die? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 They do have that Ferrari jacket that they only let you buy at the Ferrari dealership if you have a Ferrari. Nuh.
I think so. Is it nice? No.
No,

Speaker 2 it's nice for his jacket. I have to have it.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 If anyone here has a Ferrari and is a fat man, or I guess just go in and buy the fattest size they have and mail it to me. I will give you $4,000 or

Speaker 2 4Gs for the children.

Speaker 3 $400 or whatever it costs.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you got to fit in the Ferrari first, fat boy.

Speaker 3 I can fit in a Ferrari, bitch.

Speaker 2 How do you know? You've never tried.

Speaker 3 I know, dude.

Speaker 2 You've been in one?

Speaker 3 They got, because they make them for fucking leaders of industry.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Men who've grown fat off their riches.

Speaker 2 That's what I am.

Speaker 2 Someone's telling me you need to, I guess maybe it was even my girlfriend was telling me that, like, if you have a car like that, you need to pay a race car driver to take it around the track to keep it functional.

Speaker 2 If you have

Speaker 2 an exotic car like that,

Speaker 3 no, dude, you have to pay to get cucked by some fucking

Speaker 2 son. Yeah, you got to pay a real race car driver to make it go fast.
Are you sure your girlfriend wasn't trying to introduce the idea of hiring a hawk to use things the way you're not capable of?

Speaker 2 She probably was. It's cool that she thinks of herself as a Ferrari.
Yeah. And not a fucking Kia Sorrento.
No, she's like a Ferrari. Share a type of Korean bullshit.

Speaker 2 A Daewoo.

Speaker 2 Daewoo Lano.

Speaker 2 A Daewoo with rims on it.

Speaker 2 That's what Dasha is? No, no, not Dasha, the other one. Oh, I didn't know this was.
My other girlfriend? I didn't know. Oh, no, no, it's my Kerr girl.

Speaker 2 Your Korean girlfriend, Joyce, which is why I said that. No, well, she wasn't.
She wasn't. And the rims do imply that she's a wigger.

Speaker 2 She was a wigger. I wasn't going to say her name, but I figured you'd be able to put it together.
Well, you said it.

Speaker 2 I did. I was

Speaker 2 as you said it multiple times.

Speaker 2 You weren't thinking about it.

Speaker 2 It was actually Dasha, surprisingly enough, who told me that if you have a Ferrari, you need a pay carrier. Again, that totally makes sense.
And it kind of now.

Speaker 3 I actually know a lot of, I know a lot of race car drivers, she said after that.

Speaker 2 She never said that. We should all hang out.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Get to know each other.

Speaker 2 Did they have Russian brand cars like during the Soviet Union? Oh, yeah, good point.

Speaker 2 They did? Yeah. What were they they?

Speaker 2 There was a car that they

Speaker 2 you go to you ever go to the Spy Museum?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 It's like the Spy Museum. They have like an exhibit of like the way they would smuggle people across the border and

Speaker 2 from East Berlin into chill Berlin. Oh nice.

Speaker 2 Into house music.

Speaker 2 And they have this like mannequin jammed in like the fucking like engine bay of this shitty car. Whoa.

Speaker 3 So it's hot as shit.

Speaker 3 What's that? So it must have been very hot.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I forget there was like the most popular car in East Berlin was, I think, I don't know. It may have been a German manufacturer.
No, I can't remember. You know what?

Speaker 2 This is a piece of trivia that slipped out of my head.

Speaker 3 Oh, damn, dude.

Speaker 2 But yeah, no, a lot of like uh a lot of the cars in Cuba run off just like old Russian parts

Speaker 2 because you know they're all the the the bodies and are from like the fifties or whatever. Right.
Hell yeah, dude. I'm trying to cool.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to have an old Russian ass car dude.

Speaker 3 A Rubreski. A Rubeski.

Speaker 3 Maybe called something like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a pre-falls of the Berlin Wall car

Speaker 3 riding around.

Speaker 2 I mean, they're like just, they're pieces of shit. I think they just drove like all like two-stroke.

Speaker 2 Just

Speaker 2 like golf cart. Yeah, kind of.
My golf cart engines.

Speaker 2 Producing a lot of pollution.

Speaker 3 Good, dude. Stunting.

Speaker 2 So we're all, I guess, thanks for coming to see us in D.C.

Speaker 2 this oh yeah thank you that was tough sleepy from uh how much fun we had yeah dude we've been tuckered out for four days we were all on cocaine the whole time yeah we were just yipped up hardcore style we had sex with a lot of male fans oh my god you don't know that but if you do the hundred dollar a month patreon tier you're you're eligible for cock

Speaker 3 from us after the shows

Speaker 2 what's good with you sleepy nick uh yeah i'm okay You guys see that Mussolini's fucking granddaughter or some shit? Yeah, I'd fuck her.

Speaker 3 I would smash 100%. She's got

Speaker 2 big old duck lips.

Speaker 3 She does. And she was also on Italian Playboy, apparently.

Speaker 2 Was she?

Speaker 3 So I think her titties are out there to be seen.

Speaker 2 It's sick that she's in the parliament, you know? You don't know.

Speaker 3 She is? I didn't know that.

Speaker 2 I didn't do any research on her. She's like a member of their parliament.
I think the bitch is ain't Mussolini. I don't know if she's not a research either.

Speaker 3 First of all,

Speaker 3 is she like married? Did she keep Mussolini around?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that doesn't make sense either because she's the granddaughter, but she's like, oh no, I don't want to take your name. Nah, dude.
You don't see a lot of Hitlers in, you know, the

Speaker 2 German parliament.

Speaker 3 Fascists are still pretty chill. Like, they still are pretty proud.
Greek fascists are still around, dude.

Speaker 2 Golden Dawn? Yeah.

Speaker 3 And they were like, they're around from the 60s.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Italy is the same fucking way, dude.

Speaker 2 What's her name, Mussolini? Whatever, dude. Angelica.
Angelica. I fucked her.
What? We all fucked her.

Speaker 3 For real?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. She got mad at Jim Carrey.

Speaker 3 When did Jim Carrey start doing all these shitty ass drawings, dude?

Speaker 2 Why is that his thing now? Because he killed his girlfriend.

Speaker 2 He killed his 18-year-old girlfriend with bad drugs, so now he's dealt with it.

Speaker 3 Was that one of the deleted scenes for that 13 movie or whatever?

Speaker 2 The number. What was that? No, yeah, the number 23.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had to kill his girlfriend to be method.

Speaker 2 That movie was such a piece of shit.

Speaker 2 I thought it was going to be so good. Yeah, me too.
The trailer looked dope. I think I was a freshman year at college or sophomore year of college when I saw that.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you looking at, nudes of that bitch now, Nick? No, I was looking at that car.

Speaker 3 Whatever, man.

Speaker 2 Let's see. Yeah, it's the Trebant.

Speaker 3 That's a good name, dude.

Speaker 2 Was that the Russian car? It's the East, the car from East Germany. Oh, that they smuggled people through.
Yeah, I remember just seeing that picture of the guy jammed in the engine bay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's just this, like, shitty two-stroke engine. But it was, like, the most popular car in East Germany.
Hell yeah, dude. It's basically a go-kart.

Speaker 3 That rocks. Trebant.

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 Sounds like a man an African-American gentleman's name.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 3 the Pontiac Trabant.

Speaker 2 That's a cool. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Trabant, get your ass in here.

Speaker 3 Why you got East Germans in your ass?

Speaker 2 And that sort of thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 3 Maybe a man named Trabant. Are you sure it wasn't a man named Trebant

Speaker 3 that would sneak Germans in his ass?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 no, it's a car. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 No, I'm looking at it now.

Speaker 3 Just making sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I just checked.

Speaker 3 Can you double-check double-check that it's not a man's?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm checking again.

Speaker 3 Hey, Siri.

Speaker 3 Can you check and see if a man named Trebant snuck Germans in his ass

Speaker 3 during

Speaker 2 the 1980s model had no tachometer, no headlights or turn signals? What?

Speaker 2 You're just driving the dark blind?

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry, no headlights or turn signals indicator. So you had no way of knowing whether the headlights were on or off.
No fuel gauge, no rear seat belts, no external fuel door.

Speaker 2 And you have to pour a mixture of gasoline and oil directly into the engine.

Speaker 2 Hell damn, dude. That rocks.

Speaker 2 I love how we front that Ronald Reagan gave a good speech, and that's why the Soviet Union fell apart, and how they were driving fucking clown cars around.

Speaker 2 It was because Ronald Reagan gave a really scary speech.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 My man had practice. He was in Green Gables or whatever the fuck.

Speaker 2 Or the Green Gun or whatever. He was in actually the Naked Gun.

Speaker 2 Oh, speaking of the Naked Gun, my sister served O.J. Simpson last night

Speaker 2 at her restaurant. This car is a piece of shit, right?

Speaker 2 But because the company was a state monopoly, you had to sit on a 13-year waiting list.

Speaker 2 That rules, dude. Fuck.

Speaker 2 And apparently the juice said to my sister, she looked like a woman who enjoyed a nice massage.

Speaker 3 OJ was trying to fucking fuck your sister, dude.

Speaker 2 I guess. Yeah, and then he said.
Did she? No. Why not?

Speaker 3 That'd be funny to fuck O.J. Simpson.

Speaker 2 Honestly, it would be an honor.

Speaker 3 It would be, dude. Hall of Famer.

Speaker 3 Jesus. Buffalo Bill's legend.
USC legend.

Speaker 2 Just to imagine the nephews I'd have. A man.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 3 You get knocked up by the money.

Speaker 2 You know they'd be legacies at USC.

Speaker 2 They get in no prob.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't have to bribe them like Aunt Becky.

Speaker 3 I love that shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. A Friedland and a Simpson.
Now I'm having fantasies.

Speaker 3 Although, I guess. Would you change your name to Adam Simpson if your sister got knocked up by O.J.
Simpson?

Speaker 2 I'd change my name to Adam O.J. Simpson Friedland.

Speaker 2 And just replace the middleman.

Speaker 2 You could just do that now. I guess I could.

Speaker 2 I guess there's really nothing holding me back. Nothing to stop you.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You better fucking do that shit.

Speaker 2 I wonder if my dad still thinks OJ's innocent. Because

Speaker 2 he really used to think OJ was guilty.

Speaker 3 Your dad thinks OJ's innocent, but that he is during the trial. But that he is guilty of taking the memorabilia.

Speaker 2 No, he got really mad about that, too. Oh, really? He's like, they set him up.

Speaker 2 Which they did. He was right.

Speaker 2 No, my dad was watching the OJ trial and he was like,

Speaker 2 The LAPD wants to set up a successful black man in America.

Speaker 2 A fellow African. Yeah, yeah.
How's your dad on Jossie Smollett?

Speaker 2 I don't think he cared about Jesse Smollett. I think he's just too sad about the no-collusion thing right now.

Speaker 3 Oh, your dad really.

Speaker 2 He's probably wrapped up in a blanket.

Speaker 2 He was ready for Russians, huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, you watched Rachel Maddow for two years. You turn into a real fucking encyclopedia.

Speaker 2 I was trying to tell him.

Speaker 3 Yeah, thank God my parents don't are too foreign to understanding you're.

Speaker 3 My mom's watching like 13 Reasons Why or whatever the fuck's on Netflix.

Speaker 2 I think Rachel Maddow is doubled down. I think she's like still collusion with Russia.
Respect.

Speaker 2 Finesse, dude. If she's getting all those baby boomers to watch, like just double down.
Why not? Don't lose those ratings.

Speaker 3 Should we start a

Speaker 3 news network?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but we got to come up with something even more salacious than Russia.

Speaker 2 What do you got? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Hmm. You got nothing?

Speaker 2 I mean, give me a fucking day. I'll come back.
I'll come up with Donald Trump.

Speaker 3 Lon O'Mare, definitely a terrorist. We start there.

Speaker 2 Donald Trump's Muslim. There we go.
That's good.

Speaker 2 There we go. Donald Trump's a Muslim.
He was jealous of how tall the Twin Towers were because he's a notorious New York City real estate developer. Interesting.

Speaker 2 So he paid his Muslim brother, his friends in Al-Qaeda, which he was a member of, to knock them down because they were too huge.

Speaker 3 He was going to put up the Trump Tower.

Speaker 2 And he had penis envy of them because he also has a small...

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 Most Muslims, he has a Muslim size penis.

Speaker 3 Don't forget to get his little hands in the mix.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's small hands, too. Yeah, he couldn't fly the plane.
He would have done it himself. He would have done it, but his hands are too small.

Speaker 3 To control the steering wheel of the paper.

Speaker 2 Yeah, beat that Matt Ow, you fucking stupid bitch.

Speaker 3 That's good.

Speaker 2 You look like her, too. I know.

Speaker 2 We have similar haircuts.

Speaker 3 Similar haircuts.

Speaker 3 She can probably grow a better mustache.

Speaker 2 Probably.

Speaker 2 She was actually a college athlete, I believe, so she's probably stronger than me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you would definitely lose in the fight to Rachel Maddow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You still reading about that car, Buddy Buddy? No, no, I was looking up more Mueller report stuff.

Speaker 2 What were you up to today?

Speaker 3 Doing a little Red Dead again, brother?

Speaker 2 No, no, that was just on for a second while I was waiting for

Speaker 2 some food to finish cooking.

Speaker 3 What did we chef up?

Speaker 2 Oatmeal.

Speaker 2 Nothing in particular.

Speaker 2 That's good, man. Wait, weren't some people trying to make recipes from Red Dead?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think there's some shit online where people are

Speaker 2 cooking the recipes and then then posting the pics

Speaker 2 and then just waiting for

Speaker 2 for women to have sex with them just waiting for the DMs to pour in yeah how would that work you know some hot bitch would see you posting your red dead you know meals and then get so turned on that she'd DM and be like I'd I'd love to I'd love to

Speaker 2 I'd love to s fuck you.

Speaker 2 You know, that's all I got on that.

Speaker 2 I think that would be hot. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I would fuck a bitch who DM'd me off of PlayStation. You know, PlayStation PlayStation Messenger? Mm-hmm.
That's where the good pussy is, dude. Yeah.
You get on that shit? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 Can you send pictures on PlayStation Messenger?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Have you ever tried?

Speaker 2 I guess I've somebody sent me a picture of a T-shirt on it, but I have no idea how you do it.

Speaker 2 I've been watching the new season of Queer Eye. I don't know if you guys know.

Speaker 3 I have not.

Speaker 2 And I there's a blurred episode. I just skipped all the episodes just to go to the Black Nerd episode.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 really, really,

Speaker 2 what a sweet person. And,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't think any of the changes that they instituted in his life are going to stick. I mean, I think he's just going to.

Speaker 2 They made him stop playing Wow. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to go out.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah, dude. Wow will ruin your damn life.

Speaker 2 And he's like, yeah, pretty much I was very outgoing. And then my mother died when I was a child.
Oh, no. Now I like playing,

Speaker 2 you know, role.

Speaker 2 What are they called? MMR.

Speaker 3 M-M-O-R-Gs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Massive multiplayer online.

Speaker 3 Really gay shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then they took him to the...
Because I guess it's taking place in Kansas City. They took him to that Kansas City Japan Club, which is like all the people that like anime and video games.

Speaker 3 Is it Kansas City Japan Club?

Speaker 2 I guess so. And then they set him up, like all hanging out, and then they took the blurred to go hang out with him.
And then

Speaker 2 he got anxiety like five minutes and they had a pep talk and they're like, just ask them what video games they like to play.

Speaker 2 And it's just so clear.

Speaker 2 Yeah. The second they're gone, he's just going to

Speaker 2 log back into WoW. No, he's like 5'5.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with that? Yeah,

Speaker 3 I didn't ask

Speaker 3 a question that had nothing to do with it. It was cute, though.

Speaker 2 They did ask him what his ideal look was, and he goes,

Speaker 2 Donald Glover.

Speaker 2 I find the look like that.

Speaker 3 Was he gay or was he straight?

Speaker 2 No, I think he was straight, but yeah, his only friend was his sister. Ooh, was she hot? Who was kind of cute, actually.

Speaker 2 They lived together. She's like, whatever.
Well, you can bet on

Speaker 2 whether that actually happened on that show.

Speaker 2 You can watch it. Bet DSI.

Speaker 3 You can bet your sweet tits that you can do that.

Speaker 2 At BetDSI.com, they've been in business over 20 years. Doing what?

Speaker 2 You might ask? Paying winners. I love that shit.
And telling losers to fuck off.

Speaker 3 Fuck off, you fucking losers.

Speaker 2 They got an easy-to-use

Speaker 2 mobile playing interface. You can play, win, and get paid.
You know, anywhere. On the go, at home.
Use it on your phone while you're in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 You can gamble on your phone.

Speaker 3 Use your phone to wipe your ass. Scrape the shit off.

Speaker 2 If you have an iPhone

Speaker 2 10, you can sit in the bathtub

Speaker 2 and take a bubble bath. It's waterproof.

Speaker 2 That's how they used to do it.

Speaker 2 Back in the old days. At the sports book.
You have a big clawfoot tub and you take a big bubble bath and gamble on

Speaker 2 the Mandingo fights.

Speaker 2 Wheel your clawfoot tub into the drafting room and gamble

Speaker 2 on the plantation to bet the SI plantation.

Speaker 2 And that's why

Speaker 2 they invented mobile playing interfaces.

Speaker 2 So the genteel, slender gentlemen. So the dandies wouldn't have to

Speaker 2 go down to the, you know, that fucking room from the end of the Sting

Speaker 2 where people

Speaker 2 bet or whatever. They offer odds on pretty much everything, you know, not just sports, but also movies.
You can bet on, you can sit at home, you rent the movie The Sting.

Speaker 2 You have to sign a form that says you've never seen it.

Speaker 2 And then you get to bet on what happens. You just have to sign it.
There's a form you have to sign on the website that says, I promise I've never seen it. I've never seen The Sting.

Speaker 2 I've never seen Jurassic Park.

Speaker 3 I've never heard that song.

Speaker 2 And then you've got to bet on what happens in the movie.

Speaker 3 They'll know if you're lying.

Speaker 2 They'll know if you're lying because they actually, the website installs a program on your computer that uses your camera and your microphone when you're not looking. Yeah, it's Russian

Speaker 2 for your own safety.

Speaker 3 For your own safety and to corroborating your efforts.

Speaker 2 To create an alibi for you. In case some other stuff happens.

Speaker 2 They offer live in-game wagering.

Speaker 2 So if you're watching the movie and you'd be like, oh, never mind.

Speaker 3 I've changed my mind.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't think Ripley's going to beat the alien, actually.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I changed my mind. I don't think that Joe Montaigna actually has feelings for this woman

Speaker 2 in the David Mammon classic House of Games.

Speaker 2 I think maybe he's lying to this woman because she's a mark. See,

Speaker 2 a mark. It's all a con.
You understand? That's right, a con. I said it, a con.

Speaker 2 Don't you understand? That's what it is. A con, after all.

Speaker 2 Page 282. That's right, I said a con,

Speaker 2 and you can bet on that. Don't you understand? Look at me.
I'm expressing emotion right now. I'm furious.
I've never been more furious in my life.

Speaker 2 Or am I? It's a con, you see.

Speaker 2 They offer live in-game wagering. You make plays throughout the entire game.
Here's what we're going to be betting on this week.

Speaker 2 We got the Final Four.

Speaker 2 Michigan State. Baseball.
You play. Fuck baseball.

Speaker 2 You pick a team and you do it like high card, low card, thousand dollars per game.

Speaker 2 And you predict the entire season right now, high card, low card. Actually, that would be pretty fun.

Speaker 2 You could do like plus-minus wins. You think the Orioles are going to get to 70 wins? No.
No. So you go take the under on that.

Speaker 2 But it's more fun to do it like high card, low card. Yeah.
You pair off with somebody

Speaker 2 and then the money changes hands every single day.

Speaker 2 So when you sign up,

Speaker 2 is there other shit you're betting on?

Speaker 3 I'm going to watch. I'll probably see Captain Marvel.
I'll bet on that movie.

Speaker 2 I saw it.

Speaker 3 Don't tell me anything about it.

Speaker 2 I don't want to spoil anything, but the most powerful thing in the universe is a white woman.

Speaker 2 Is that what they say in the movie? Is that a line from the movie? No, it's kind of the implication, though, at the end.

Speaker 2 David Mammet.

Speaker 3 Okay, what did you just say? That you're not going to spoil anything.

Speaker 3 The implication at the end, huh, motherfucker?

Speaker 2 David Mammet's Captain Marvel.

Speaker 2 She's a bitch, you see?

Speaker 2 She bitched everybody. That's what cunts do.
Ever meet a cunt? Well, I'm looking at one right now.

Speaker 2 A regular St. Louis Sally, a cunt.

Speaker 2 Listen,

Speaker 2 are you going to take a shit or are you going to waste my time, pal? I don't have time for cunts.

Speaker 2 Listen, you're a cunt, see?

Speaker 3 Don't give me those fucking no Hindus.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 No Rajeshes.

Speaker 2 I mean, I like my favorite part of it. I like David Mammoth, but I really don't know why I do.

Speaker 3 It's so crazy. Like, when you watch Glenn, you're a Glenn Ross, and it's just like so racist towards Indians.
It's hilarious.

Speaker 2 I don't remember that part.

Speaker 3 They're mad anytime they get Indian leads. Like, if they have like an

Speaker 2 Indian leader. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that makes sense, dude. They're too busy at running subway franchises around 50 states.

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Come 120. Let's start the show.

Speaker 3 Let's start the show.

Speaker 2 This is how we have sex.

Speaker 3 This is how we have sex. We pull out our wieners.
My dick is small.

Speaker 2 It's Friday night.

Speaker 3 And my dick is small.

Speaker 2 The party's here on the west side.

Speaker 3 And I've never had sex with women.

Speaker 2 I've only fucked men.

Speaker 2 Suck my little penis.

Speaker 2 Suck my little penis.

Speaker 2 So that was a.

Speaker 2 What was that? Black Street?

Speaker 2 Oh, no, Montel Jordan.

Speaker 3 If you could suck my dick, would you?

Speaker 2 Montel Jordan's a pretty cool name. Yeah, better than Montel Williams.
Pathetic name.

Speaker 2 Why? I don't know. They're very similar names.

Speaker 2 Montelle Jordan.

Speaker 3 He's the one,

Speaker 2 the talk show. No.
Montel Williams

Speaker 2 was the talk show and now current marijuana advocate.

Speaker 3 Well, my man has some kind of disease.

Speaker 2 Glaucoma.

Speaker 3 No, I think something with his joints that fuck that get fucked up.

Speaker 2 I think he's going blind from glaucoma. Maybe I'm wrong.

Speaker 2 We should let Montel back on T V.

Speaker 3 Give him a show, dude.

Speaker 2 I want to see him yell at teenage parents.

Speaker 3 You know, keep it it really real with them if I had a show I would get prima nocta on the teenage parents and be able to fuck them get first dibs on that pussy yeah

Speaker 2 this is a good policy

Speaker 2 what would be a scenario in which I would

Speaker 2 that I would some girl come on some girl come on she's like I'm 15 years old and I have six and I don't care what my mom says and the mom's crying and stuff and then stops like that's terrible.

Speaker 2 But I have to go backstage.

Speaker 3 That's disgusting.

Speaker 2 So it's like the boot camp episodes? Yeah, but you have to do it. And then you come out in like a Marine Corps outfit.

Speaker 2 Stop. Way overweight.
And you scream at them. And then they have to leave and have sex with you.
Yeah. And then they come back.
Something like that. Yeah, exactly.
They're wearing cocks.

Speaker 2 I would wait until the age of consent in each state.

Speaker 3 For legal purposes is on television after all.

Speaker 3 But I would show my full unblurred cock. And the way you get around that is you blur everything but the cock.

Speaker 3 So on the screen, it would just be nothing but blur, but my cock would be there, but you wouldn't see that it was doing anything sexual.

Speaker 2 How about a computer program that automatically blurs the vaginas and Asian porn, and then they use it, and then it blurs all of their eyes by accident.

Speaker 2 It thinks of the third person.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's clever. That would be, yep.

Speaker 3 That's one of the problems with AI that people don't think about.

Speaker 2 It was too perfectly to be a sketch as part of a larger sketch that's a Japanese version of Mad TV. Yes.

Speaker 2 Isn't most of Japan's takes on sketch comedy?

Speaker 3 Isn't Japan Japanese TV essentially what if everything was mad TV?

Speaker 2 What if Mad TV started?

Speaker 3 What if Mad TV was like the start and then we got crazier from there? It seems like they have a very Mad TV ethos.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I think that's that's what comedy is in most places in the world.

Speaker 3 No, no, comedy in most places in the world is a guy dressing as a woman.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which is

Speaker 2 Mad TV was

Speaker 2 all about that. No.

Speaker 3 It was much more nuanced than that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Mad TV was more like something, something but gay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which is effectively what we brother, sign me up on this program. Sign me up and fuck me.

Speaker 3 Let me get my dick sucked.

Speaker 3 After I sign a contract.

Speaker 3 Selling you my pussy.

Speaker 2 So we're all hyped up on that mayor

Speaker 2 Pete.

Speaker 3 Butt edge edge.

Speaker 2 Butt edge.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to edge edge edge on his butt cheeks.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you that. Yeah, we're on the Pete train.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to fuck his husband, dude.

Speaker 2 He's trying to be president? He's trying to be the president right now. That's pretty stupid.
Yeah. He seems like a guy that's like in an a cappella group.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's definitely what his vibe is.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, the a cappella groups that go to elementary schools, and they're like all excited to be there because they think that elementary school age kids don't know what gay is.

Speaker 3 It's the one place he can be free, free of society.

Speaker 2 These kids don't understand that we're complete fucking losers.

Speaker 3 Little does he know, dude. They get it the most.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 There'll be like six kids that really get it and are ruthless.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Damn. One time they had a bitch do tango,

Speaker 3 but like that Spanish shit where you clap, you have little clappers in your hands.

Speaker 2 The clickers, Castellanettes. Yes.

Speaker 3 And I remember being horny in like third grade, dude.

Speaker 2 You liked it.

Speaker 3 I wanted her to fuck me.

Speaker 2 She was stomping, too? She was doing stomping and the

Speaker 3 yes, sir.

Speaker 2 Hornier than. One time they brought in a belly dancer, and I wasn't as horny.

Speaker 2 Some of the school? Yeah. Some about

Speaker 2 for children? Yeah.

Speaker 2 There was no educational purpose, and it's just like, let's look at it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't remember what happened.

Speaker 2 She came to our look at this Turkish lady.

Speaker 3 I think it was like under the guise of cultural something.

Speaker 3 And I wasn't as horny. And I was up close with her.
And I guess I could see belly too, if I recall. I think maybe she was a little more modest than usual.

Speaker 3 But dude, the fucking Castellan, the Dan Castellanetta, or whatever the fuck that bitch is called.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whew.

Speaker 3 I wanted her to clack them little shits all over my nuts, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one time we had a Holocaust survivor come

Speaker 2 and I got real torqued up.

Speaker 2 I think I told this story before. She was talking about how, like, she, her family gave her these diamonds.
She put them in her pussy. And she had to eat them on the train to Auschwitz.

Speaker 2 And then, like, when she got to Auschwitz, she had to, like, search through her poop for it.

Speaker 3 She had to in continuously.

Speaker 2 And she was like, and that's how terrible the Holocaust was. And all of us were like, that's disgusting.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This lady was eating poop diamonds for four years. That's wild.
Yeah. Put them in your poop.
And then we got in trouble for laughing when she was talking about searching through her poop.

Speaker 2 That bitch needs to understand her audience. I don't know.
Imagine you're like a guard. And you're just like, you were a guy that was just in like the German army.

Speaker 2 And I know that's not really how the Holocaust works, but you were were in the German army prior to the war. You're not a member of the Nazi Party.

Speaker 2 You're having to load these Jews on the trains, and you're like,

Speaker 2 I'm committing an atrocity.

Speaker 2 Like, I can't, I don't know how to fucking live with myself. I don't, I'm powerless to like stop it.
You know, you're just sort of in this funk, and it's like these are human beings.

Speaker 2 And then there's like Jewish people eating diamonds out of shit.

Speaker 2 You're like, oh, never mind.

Speaker 2 Oh, I guess.

Speaker 2 I guess all the videos we had to watch were correct.

Speaker 2 I mean, honestly, that was kind of our reaction as, you know, fourth graders.

Speaker 2 Did they make it the whole way? At a Jewish day school that closed the next year. That was the last year I went to private school.
Oh, really? Yeah, I went to public school in fifth grade.

Speaker 3 After that general pop for you?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my parents, yeah, then they were like.

Speaker 3 I was never a fucking private school bitch like you, dude. I was always in the streets.

Speaker 2 They tried to make it work in Vegas with a Jewish school, and they kept closing down. I think now there is one, though.
Whatever, it's not interesting. This is really boring.

Speaker 3 No, it isn't.

Speaker 2 But why would they choose to tell that story, though? I mean, I think they were trying to say this is how bad the Holocaust was. But the Holocaust was bad.

Speaker 2 I mean, there were death camps where they were gasping. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't understand. The teacher was anybody that's like,

Speaker 2 but what else happened? Yeah. Our teacher was like, they tried to take our diamonds away.

Speaker 2 Like, what?

Speaker 2 Now it's

Speaker 2 people shouldn't have diamonds. No, I mean,

Speaker 2 there's no, it's not, it's nothing other than just like a symbol of like forwarding wealth. What our teacher said, no, she said it was from her like great-grandparents or something.

Speaker 2 But what our teacher said to us was that all the survivors were about to die, so it was like we were lucky. That's when we were getting yelled at.
That's what they were saying.

Speaker 2 Why are heirlooms heirlooms okay, but intergenerational wealth isn't?

Speaker 3 Because one's like a fun little trinket. The other one's like, you know, five yachts.
And you know what I'm saying? It's too much. It's a scale thing.
You can't be like, hey, what the hell?

Speaker 3 I mean, if someone's like, this slave was a family heirloom.

Speaker 2 No, that asked. That's down.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, they would, yeah. I mean, yes, there were people that...
Within the context of like slavery, there were people that just thought it was like, that's the way things are supposed to work.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's your property. yeah so like they obviously had like sentimental value for a slave the same way that somebody would have sentimental value for a fucking car yeah

Speaker 2 that's that's ridiculous i mean but it's no you're right in retrospect isn't that crazy oh this is my favorite boy

Speaker 2 jesus you're right but i mean like

Speaker 2 today if someone was like yeah there's a couple of like response novels to uncle tom's cabin by southern writers Dist tracks.

Speaker 2 Basically,

Speaker 2 there's one called The Sword and the Distiff, and then there's another one that's called

Speaker 2 The Planter's Northern Bride or The Planter's Northern Wife.

Speaker 2 And yeah, both of them are just like about

Speaker 2 how slavery is good.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the slaves and the books. And obviously it's just racist bullshit.
But

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 you know trying to like express like no, we love these slaves. Yeah, right.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 these are our pets. Well, then, didn't someone try to do that like two years ago? Some Philippine everyone, oh, yeah, what was that? Some guy was like, Yeah, my family is a slave, and it's okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, some Asian guy tried to say that. That'd be crazy.
I mean, because

Speaker 2 Spike Lee already made that movie,

Speaker 2 the CSA or whatever, but if to update that, even for now, like 10-15 years after it came out, if like slavery still existed, like people posting pictures of their slave to R/slash A.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Like a slave, a slave. What was that Katie Cat subreddit you showed me?

Speaker 2 What's that? Oh, cat loafs or something? Yeah. Yeah, slave loaves.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Sorry, I really should not have cut off that reddit.
No. Oh, no.
That's all right.

Speaker 3 No, you shouldn't have, Adam.

Speaker 2 Like, look at this cute outfit I dress my slave in. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This one's dressed like an army man.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I guess that is what would be happening. Yeah, good thing we don't have slavery, except, I guess, if you're building the World Cup stadium in Abu Dhabi or whatever.

Speaker 2 There's also if it had continued on, because

Speaker 2 I guess

Speaker 2 when was it made? Like.

Speaker 2 64? Well, that was the Civil War. And the Emancipation Proclamation freed the slaves.
But like,

Speaker 2 the slave trade was illegal long before that.

Speaker 2 Owning slaves wasn't, but they were. Oh, they stopped the trade first? Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, if it just continued, eventually they would probably because there would be no utility for like, you know,

Speaker 2 you wouldn't have

Speaker 2 most people would have like white-collar jobs. So, right.
If they never gave like humanity to black people, can you go get my seamless?

Speaker 2 And they continued to be like not even considered human, They would eventually have

Speaker 2 bred some crazy-looking black people.

Speaker 2 You know, like that the Chihuahua version.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if you look at

Speaker 2 dog eugenics,

Speaker 2 if you look at dogs prior to like 1910,

Speaker 2 they all kind of looked pretty normal. There weren't any like

Speaker 2 chihuahuas or bulldog. Like imagine like the bulldog version of black people, I guess, is what

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 where that path would have led.

Speaker 3 Lavelle Crawford.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think Cee-Lo Green is probably the closest look. Ceeilo, yeah, yeah.
The closest look we have at that alternate universe where black people become luxury items for old women.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Like you can have like a toy black guy. Yeah.
Like a black guy that only grows to maybe be about two foot three.

Speaker 2 Like a Gary Coleman. And he's got like a huge underbite and he struggles to breathe and he only lives ten years.

Speaker 2 His hips can't handle his proportions.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You would have to jack him off to his head.

Speaker 2 His head's always just poking out of some rich lady's purse.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. Well, I mean, that's what would have happened.
That's what experiments.

Speaker 3 We're not saying it's good.

Speaker 2 There's an alternative history.

Speaker 3 Yeah, this is sort of like hardcore history with Dan Carlin.

Speaker 2 It's like

Speaker 2 what happens on that podcast?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he talks about slavery.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I've never heard an episode, but

Speaker 2 I think that's what it is.

Speaker 3 If I'm correct, it's him talking about breeding black people.

Speaker 2 Dan Carlin. Well, anyways, if you like sex, you'll like Blue Chew.com.

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Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm trying to save money on all kinds of things for my health. You know, if there's a way to save a couple of bucks on heart medicine, if I can take dogs, dog heart medicine, I'll do it.

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Speaker 3 And he wasn't, he didn't believe me, but I complained so long he gave me a couple samples of Cialis. This was maybe five years ago.
Another time I had to buy research chemicals.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

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Speaker 3 There was another time when I had to buy research chemicals off of the internet, and the guy, the way I had to pay for them, was the guy, I had to Venmo him, and he was like, say it's for pizza.

Speaker 2 so in case the feds were were watching that he was illegally selling research chemicals that got your dick hard that's cool so now I'm happy hey what's this what's this mysterious payment on the internet to some company oh it's for pizza yeah that's definitely not going to raise any eyebrows

Speaker 2 that's definitely not going to get you more in more trouble than just saying it's for dick pills

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Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 let's start the show.

Speaker 3 Let's start the show.

Speaker 2 Let's start the show.

Speaker 3 My dick's hard because of Blue Chew. My dick is hard as shit.

Speaker 2 I've never fucked Push.

Speaker 2 What are we talking about?

Speaker 2 Breeding slaves?

Speaker 3 You've never taken a dick fill, Adam?

Speaker 2 I did, yeah, once. Only one time.
Who did you fuck? And it worked.

Speaker 2 Somebody.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Just somebody.

Speaker 2 A woman. A woman

Speaker 3 who was maybe on the clock.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I didn't say for what?

Speaker 2 I didn't say for what? It was a woman who was working out of McDonald's.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and you fucked her.

Speaker 2 And she let me back into the refrigerator room.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 you filled her pussy full of frozen patties.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. It was nothing like that.
It was nothing.

Speaker 3 And she was like, go deeper.

Speaker 2 And I said, I'm said, I'm as hard as I'll ever be.

Speaker 3 And she was like, wrap your cock around some fucking McGriddle. Wrap some McGriddles around your cock

Speaker 3 to fill it out.

Speaker 3 And so you did just that. Yep.
You stuffed a couple sandwiches at the end of the condom.

Speaker 2 McGriddles are pretty good. They are.

Speaker 2 Actually,

Speaker 2 I take that back.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, I don't like. Fucking loser.

Speaker 2 My face feels sticky the rest of the day.

Speaker 3 That's because you sucked a man's penis.

Speaker 2 I want to get one of those tiny cast irons for making

Speaker 2 it. Like the real small ones.
They're just like one egg. Yeah, for making like the size egg for a breakfast sandwich.

Speaker 3 Bro, honestly, I was thinking about getting rid of mine. I'll bring it over, see if it's one of those.

Speaker 2 The really tiny ones.

Speaker 3 It's tiny as shit.

Speaker 2 I'm talking about like the size of a post-it note.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, not that small. But it's small.
I'll send you a a picture. No, I know.

Speaker 2 It's probably the six-inch one, but I want the. They make them.

Speaker 3 I think it's four inches.

Speaker 2 Well, a post-it note is probably, what, three inches? Yeah. So, yeah, if it's four.

Speaker 3 I'll show it to you. I think it might do what you want.

Speaker 2 I might just bike over to Target after this

Speaker 2 and buy a tiny cast iron.

Speaker 3 Make perfect breakfast sandwiches? I don't know, man.

Speaker 3 What's up, man? You trying to kill yourself?

Speaker 2 No, not even. It's too late for that.

Speaker 3 You seem down, brother.

Speaker 2 No, I'm actually in a pretty good mood. Just

Speaker 2 slower pace for me.

Speaker 2 We're hot off our big show in Washington, D.C.

Speaker 2 at the Black Cat,

Speaker 2 which was great. And hopefully, we'll be bringing that to your town soon.
I did email a woman who books

Speaker 3 little theaters around the country, so we might legitimately be in business.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 3 we'll figure out details of a Euro tour as well.

Speaker 3 It's going to be like that movie Euro Trip. And I'm going to be Fred Armison, and I'm going to rape you guys in a train.

Speaker 2 Urine Trip? No. Oh.

Speaker 3 Urine trip.

Speaker 2 How about the

Speaker 2 urine P and Union? The Urine P and

Speaker 2 Urine

Speaker 2 Union. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that.

Speaker 2 I would want a Brexit, too, if there was a bunch of

Speaker 2 piss. German

Speaker 2 homos trying to tell me I got to buy everything with their piss.

Speaker 2 No thanks.

Speaker 3 A bunch of Bavarians pulling out their fucking weird cocks out of Laterhosen, making you sip on it.

Speaker 2 Some pepper snorting kraut wants me to buy his piss for free?

Speaker 2 No tax? I don't think so.

Speaker 2 That makes sense, dude.

Speaker 3 So instead of Euros, the Euro and Ping Union would sell their currencies little jars of piss?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nice. Yeah, I guess.
I want one of those ear necklaces.

Speaker 2 What's that? Like from the Vietnam War?

Speaker 3 Oh, a necklace with your

Speaker 3 f the people you've murdered's ears.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Was that they did that in Vietnam? It sounds like an Old West kind of thing.
You know what I would do if I was a poacher? I'd have a headdress with an elephant's actual ears on the side.

Speaker 2 That'd be pretty cool. Yeah.
I'd have an elephant's ears taped to my head. And then a lion's mane and an elephant's ears.
You'd make some freak animals. And

Speaker 2 zebra's dick.

Speaker 2 Which I hope looks like the rest of the dick.

Speaker 2 I hope. I think it's fleshy, like a horse's.
Well, I would say it's like gray and black. But we're going to have to enslave the zebras and spend a couple of years making them fancy.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen a giraffe's tongue? No.

Speaker 2 It's black.

Speaker 2 Is it? Yeah.

Speaker 3 A zebra's cock looks pretty black to me, unfortunately.

Speaker 2 Does it?

Speaker 2 Looks long, looks good. Whoa.

Speaker 3 This is a big cock.

Speaker 2 I think, well, horses tend to have big cocks.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but then, ooh, damn, zebra pussy looks kind of good, though.

Speaker 3 Yo, I'm telling you, horses got good-looking pussies.

Speaker 2 Dude, look at these two zebras about getting ready to make that bubblegum. Damn, that's a juicy gut bubblegum.
That's some dick, dude. You're right.

Speaker 3 I told you, bro.

Speaker 2 You guys didn't say anything about that video of the chimpanzee with his tiny cock that I sent you the other day. I didn't see it.
I didn't get it. It was

Speaker 2 pretty funny. It was just a chimpanzee.
Zebra stripes are cool, man. I want to kill one small ass cock into a rug.

Speaker 2 Obviously, yeah,

Speaker 2 zebra skin rugs are

Speaker 2 pretty nice.

Speaker 2 My buddy Max has one.

Speaker 3 Is it real?

Speaker 2 I think it might be.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it is.

Speaker 2 I think think that zebra died ethically, though. No way.

Speaker 2 Yes, of course.

Speaker 2 Ethical zebra rugs.

Speaker 3 Would you be a poacher for a zebra, Nick?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would love to be a poacher. No, poaching makes me really sad.
Shut up, Adam. There was those documentaries about those, like, kind park rangers in the Congo.
And they're going to go.

Speaker 2 I'm the only one that's protecting these beautiful creatures.

Speaker 3 They're going to fucking end up fucking dying.

Speaker 2 And then some fucking

Speaker 2 former Rhodesian special forces guys like, you know, we get to kill all of the fucking.

Speaker 2 It takes a lot of integrity to be a poacher.

Speaker 3 How so?

Speaker 2 Well, because people already don't like regular hunters.

Speaker 2 You have to be willing to accept being hated by every part of the animal kingdom.

Speaker 2 They're true outlaws.

Speaker 3 So you like, that's what appeals to you is hatred, is universal hatred.

Speaker 2 Yes. Interesting.
And the elephant year hat.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and the zebra cock. What would the zebra cock be again? A belt?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess something. Well, now that I saw it and it doesn't look like the rest of the zebra, I've lost interest in that.

Speaker 3 What animal has the most colorful cock, would you think?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Probably a turtle.
Probably some kind of weird thing.

Speaker 3 Yeah, have you seen a turtle's cock? It's weird, dude.

Speaker 2 Isn't it like?

Speaker 3 It's wide at the end.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, we're. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Ducks have the ones that are like scorpion for Mortal Kombat, where they like throw them out there and then they grab bitches.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's like a little rape hook.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like a corkscrew.

Speaker 2 Get over here.

Speaker 2 I would like to be an octopus.

Speaker 3 They are the smartest animals, people say.

Speaker 2 But they're smart in a different way than people are. In what way? Well,

Speaker 3 do they have language?

Speaker 2 The way they think about things is completely different. You know, they're not mammals.

Speaker 3 Right. They got brains all over the place, too.
Yeah. It's not a central nervous system.
That shit's everywhere, bro.

Speaker 3 It's just fucked up.

Speaker 2 They're like aliens. Yeah, like their arms have independent neurons.
So, like, if you cut an octopus's arm off. It grows back, right? Well, it operates autonomously.

Speaker 3 What the fuck, dude? It's not a fucking...

Speaker 2 Oh, a starfish does that? No.

Speaker 3 My dick does.

Speaker 2 I thought an octopus's arm grows back.

Speaker 3 It doesn't grow back, dude.

Speaker 3 That'd be fucking wild.

Speaker 3 If it does, I'll be mad. Because that means there's a fucking...
If I got a pet octopus, I could cut its fucking arm off every day and have fresh octopus.

Speaker 3 That would be fucking awesome.

Speaker 2 There you go. Ethical octopus dude.
I love some grilled octopus. No.
Grilled pulpo, dude?

Speaker 2 Love that shit.

Speaker 3 If I could be an animal,

Speaker 2 hmm.

Speaker 3 I want to say a bird so I can soar in the skies, but that's probably not true.

Speaker 2 A bull.

Speaker 3 A strong oxen. As long as I get some cow pussy.

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 And I can fucking

Speaker 3 break like a rodeo guys' necks when they try and best me, and I'll never let them. I'll never be broken, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm a wild fucking animal.

Speaker 3 But I am getting cow pussy on the farm.

Speaker 3 Can you kill a bull and eat it like steak?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's the same meat. Really? They're the same animal, so yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 3 Wh when we eat chicken, though, isn't that just women?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Don't they kill baby roosters?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think, well, the hens are fat or look at that.

Speaker 3 They're fat. That fupa.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Hmm. Adam, what animal would you be?

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 probably just a guy with a bigger cock.

Speaker 3 That's what I want to be reading state reinforcement.

Speaker 2 He's like a Dominican teenager.

Speaker 2 Good at baseball.

Speaker 3 You just have a heater. You just throw a 97.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just kind of a Danny L.

Speaker 2 Cock is soft seven and six, six and a half, soft, thick, dude. Yeah, just one of those big, uncut, brown.

Speaker 3 The pirates just fucking. The pirates just brought clean water to your whole village, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They're trying to sign you.

Speaker 2 I would love that.

Speaker 3 That would be awesome, dude.

Speaker 3 That would be fucking tight.

Speaker 2 I think having sonar would be pretty cool, too. Dolphins have that, right? Echolocation.

Speaker 2 Bats.

Speaker 2 Ah, fuck.

Speaker 2 Bats. You know my opinion on bats.
But I just, I walk into a room full of women and I start screaming in a really high-pitched tone.

Speaker 2 And then I find the one with the tightest pussy based on circumference.

Speaker 2 And I go out turn

Speaker 2 Hey, how you doing? Yeah, after I've finished screeching to echo my earlier, hello, madam.

Speaker 2 And then I just extend my elephant ears at them until they're so impressed that they have to have sex with me.

Speaker 2 I really marvel at Nick's ability to just invent new ways of woman bothering on every episode.

Speaker 3 Not only are you shouting at the woman, for the purpose of sex, you found a way to both harass a woman verbally while looking at her pussy.

Speaker 2 Well, I said sonar,

Speaker 2 I said sonar would be pretty cool. I don't know what you thought I meant by that, other than screeching to

Speaker 2 find out the physical dimensions of a room full of women's vaginas.

Speaker 3 Oh, fuck yes, dude.

Speaker 3 I respect that.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Asians really like respect.

Speaker 2 I know. That's a big part of their thing, is respect.
Yeah, and honor. Yeah.
Sitting down in uncomfortable ways and

Speaker 2 respecting each other.

Speaker 2 Man, I really wish I could have that breakfast in Tokyo every day.

Speaker 2 You could, dude. Nah.

Speaker 3 Become a Harajuku boy. Move to Harajuku.

Speaker 2 Yeah, start wearing

Speaker 2 pink. I don't know.
Start wearing pink. I don't want to be like one of those dresses.
Those expat people.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They were nice, but I felt like.

Speaker 3 It was weird.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they were pathetic. Well, no, they were nice.
You just get this sense that they

Speaker 2 have been in a cave or something.

Speaker 3 Exactly, yes.

Speaker 2 It's like you're not, you don't have anything in common with any of these people.

Speaker 2 You're completely disconnected from the world you belong in.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 3 It's like when a fucking, it's like if you grew up locked in a mall overnight.

Speaker 2 Kind of, yeah. It's a lot of guys that probably still use the term and identify with metrosexual.

Speaker 2 Wow, I remember. The last time that they've been in America was in like 2005.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's like their whole culture is like made up of like,

Speaker 3 I don't know, a thousand people. Not even.
They probably have like

Speaker 2 30 friends.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was thinking, you're talking about those comics. I was thinking about those dudes at the fucking

Speaker 2 anti stores.

Speaker 3 No, those were visitors, dude.

Speaker 2 Those were all visitors, yeah.

Speaker 3 We're talking about the guys that live in Japan. It just are like kind of normal.

Speaker 3 Damn.

Speaker 2 They're probably on visas there, though. They're probably not residents.

Speaker 3 No, dude, they probably live there.

Speaker 2 I think it's really hard to get sensitive.

Speaker 3 They knocked up Japanese women. That's what everyone.

Speaker 2 That's what they do. Yeah.
That's what those African guys do.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, their GIs, all that shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, whoa, cool.

Speaker 3 If you could be an expat anywhere, though,

Speaker 3 would you be you'd be like a Thailand guy, Adam, doing sex crimes?

Speaker 2 Um, yeah, Thailand, you know,

Speaker 2 saving boys from caves.

Speaker 3 I live in Amsterdam, baby.

Speaker 2 Oh, smoking that loud, smoking gan ja, riding my bicycle,

Speaker 3 getting absolutely an incredible amount of illicit pussy, but it's for free, or but it's legal,

Speaker 3 and then also going to museums. I fucking love Amsterdam, dude.
I want to I'm going to l have a little boat and have a fucking bike.

Speaker 3 Have a wife that just fucking makes me like a little cheese pie.

Speaker 2 A big titted wife wearing clogs.

Speaker 3 Heavy wa heavy-titted wife. With blonde-ass freckles and shit.

Speaker 2 Damn, dude. I fucked her.

Speaker 3 You fucked my fictional wife?

Speaker 3 You fucked Ingrid?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I fucked Ingrid.

Speaker 3 That's low even for you, Adam.

Speaker 2 Oh, I can go lower.

Speaker 3 Did you fuck my little son also? Yes.

Speaker 2 I fucked Petter.

Speaker 2 My son Peter topped you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Petter Van Halkius.

Speaker 3 That's right, dude.

Speaker 3 Von Halkius.

Speaker 2 Is that where Von Dutch started? Is that a Dutch company?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 2 Is that what they're all like over there?

Speaker 3 Everyone wears Von Dutch hats.

Speaker 3 It's just guys that look like Ashton Kutcher and bitches that look like Paris Hilton.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 2003 is alive and well.

Speaker 3 Trucker hats, ha sh uh belts with like

Speaker 2 holes in the middle of them. Pranking celebrities.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was great. I did used to.
Those were the days.

Speaker 3 I used to love prank shows.

Speaker 2 The war in Iraq, Iraq, we didn't know it was a lie yet.

Speaker 3 I still trusted Colin Powell.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I said,

Speaker 2 god damn it, if he isn't an honorable man,

Speaker 2 I don't know who is.

Speaker 3 I still thought, well, at least Colin Powell. We could trust him because he's black.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and he's named after Donald Powell. He's named after an asshole.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 Shouldn't his name be Colin?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's Colon.

Speaker 3 Damn, you're right. He is named after an asshole.

Speaker 2 Yeah, male G-spot powell, dish.

Speaker 2 No, that's the prostate. Prostate powell.

Speaker 2 What's the colon? It's your asshole?

Speaker 3 I think

Speaker 3 it's a tube in your ass.

Speaker 2 It's a large intestine. Oh.

Speaker 3 It's a big tube in your ass.

Speaker 2 That goes to your ass?

Speaker 2 The colon connects to your ass? I thought if you get colon cancer, it's basically ass cancer. That's right.

Speaker 3 It's a tube in your ass.

Speaker 2 But prostate cancer is also ass cancer.

Speaker 3 That's the part. The prostate is the back of your dick.

Speaker 3 It's where your asshole and dick intertwine.

Speaker 3 It's one of God's most beautiful inventions.

Speaker 3 If you'll recall from Road Trip where Stiffler gets three fingers.

Speaker 2 And his ass. That was a big moment for queer culture in this country.

Speaker 2 That is what I was doing. I am talking about getting penetrated in this cancer.
I did try and get.

Speaker 3 I put a pencil and then a candle up my ass to try and to hit that.

Speaker 2 I put an electric toothbrush in my ass, made it buzz.

Speaker 2 And then, you know what, my dad didn't even notice that his toothbrush was missing.

Speaker 3 It was tasted funny.

Speaker 2 Is that a true story? No, I made it up.

Speaker 3 He did it Brussels up.

Speaker 3 Bristle, I mean.

Speaker 2 Bristle. Let's see.
Let's see what this whole gay thing's all about.

Speaker 2 I don't I know people that

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 do ass stuff that aren't gay. Yeah.
No, that's my friend My friend like wants his wife to peg him.

Speaker 2 Really? His wife? Yeah, I don't know if they've done it or not. He wants it.
Yeah. That's so funny.
He announced please fuck my ass.

Speaker 3 They're having lasagna.

Speaker 3 So, Carol, have you given any thought to that thing I was talking about? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I just, it feels weird.

Speaker 2 I like the idea of telling your friends that you want it before your wife's even giving it up. Just putting the political pressure on her.

Speaker 2 I remember seeing some video of like a security footage from some like business or whatever, and they caught like one of the employees beating off at work when he thought he was the only one there.

Speaker 2 Absolute. But he pulls his pants all the way down and shoves his finger up his ass while he's beating off.
And it's like, man, it must suck to be into that because then you have to do that every time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. You just always have shit on your hand.

Speaker 3 Yeah, your index finger.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You can wash your hands off.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but it's under your nails.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that smell doesn't come off every fucking tree sap. Yeah, that's true.
But how do gay guys do it? They seem so clean. I miss climbing trees.
That was a simple pleasure.

Speaker 2 I'd get up there, dude. I was pretty good, too.

Speaker 2 They used to have to yell at me. They'd get to the top of the tree, and I would refuse to come down.
Wow!

Speaker 2 Wow!

Speaker 2 Throw things at people? No, I wouldn't say anything. I'd sit up there silently and ignore their pleas

Speaker 2 to return. Praise them, Mike.

Speaker 2 I would throw my shit at you. It was awful earth.

Speaker 3 you know, I found it to be very overrated climbing trees.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You weren't taking away. I could have,

Speaker 3 but I thought it was stupid.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I definitely could have.

Speaker 3 And I want that on the record.

Speaker 3 I could climb trees. I could climb fences.

Speaker 3 I could do a whole lot of vertical stuff. No problem.

Speaker 2 We should get back into that kind of stuff, guys. 30 is not too old.
To get, you know, scuffed up knees again. Well, you can go rock climbing.
Yeah, everyone rock climbing. People do that shit.

Speaker 2 I can't do that. They're too short.

Speaker 2 Your arms are too short. Yeah, my ape index sucks.
They call it your ape index. It's the uh that seems like it's your height versus your wingspan.

Speaker 3 That really seems like it should not be the name of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's fucked up now that I say it out loud. I never really thought of that, but I was dating a girl that was a rock climber, and that's what she said.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, she was also a member of the Klu Klux Kluck. Kluck.
Did she have any other political leanings? No, she was pretty. She was.
She was ape index? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Imagine being like if you're like getting into rock climbing. Well, I mean, if your wingspan is like two inches ta longer than your height, you you're a plus two ape index.

Speaker 2 But my arms, I think, are shorter than my height.

Speaker 3 Yeah, mine probably aren't shorter.

Speaker 2 Probably means I have. Are black guys into rock climbing? No, but they would.

Speaker 3 It's like any other sport. They'd probably be the best at it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, probably kill it. They'd probably have to change the design of the prison walls after

Speaker 2 that became a popular thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they wouldn't have to put it in the middle.

Speaker 3 That specific index is something, that index,

Speaker 3 which I will not name because it's very problematic.

Speaker 2 I really hope the A players would be the best at that.

Speaker 2 I say

Speaker 2 that isn't something that I just made up.

Speaker 2 That sounds right. I think it's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They got it. It would look really bad.

Speaker 3 Because there's no way the people that started thought that weren't really.

Speaker 2 Ape Index or Ape Factor or Gorilla Index. Damn.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Is that a picture of the Vitruvian man on that Wikipedia article? That is.
For Ape Factor. Very good.
You know what the name of that thing is? Yeah, Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.

Speaker 3 I wish they had his dick going in eight different directions, too. Yeah.

Speaker 2 See his dick going at all.

Speaker 2 12 o'clock, 3 o'clock,

Speaker 2 9 o'clock.

Speaker 3 He's hard-ass dick leaning a bunch of different ways.

Speaker 2 Get back on it, Leonardo, you old pervert.

Speaker 2 He was fucking boys.

Speaker 3 I think he was fucking men.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's on. He's a homosexual.
He was just a good old man.

Speaker 3 As was Isaac Newton, I believe.

Speaker 2 Isaac Newton was too?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because everyone says he died a virgin because he didn't have a wife, but it's like, come on, man.

Speaker 2 He was a gay. a confirmed bachelor.
Yeah, exactly. One of those.

Speaker 2 That was nice. Before the whole,

Speaker 2 you know, people accepting gay people, you could just

Speaker 2 be seen as like an old pimp. Yeah.
A bachelor. A Hugh Heffier type.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Look at that guy.
He's such a batch. He's a fucking pimp.
He must be a real pimp.

Speaker 3 I wish I was a bachelor. He's been single for 30 years.
Imagine all the pussy he's gotten.

Speaker 2 The Snatcheler?

Speaker 3 The Snatcheler.

Speaker 3 On tonight's episode of The Snatcheler,

Speaker 3 which is like The Bachelor, but

Speaker 3 he puts the rose in their pussy.

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought he just does a blindfold sniff test.

Speaker 3 That would be good, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's one episode long. He smells 24 vaginas.

Speaker 3 If you smell 24 in a row, could you even tell the difference?

Speaker 2 Well, you'd have to have some sort of grading rubric after each one. You'd have to cleanse your

Speaker 3 nostrils smelling salts in between.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you'd have to have a fresh,

Speaker 2 kind of a fresh perspective

Speaker 2 before each new puss.

Speaker 2 Kind of like how you eat ginger in between different types of fish when you're eating sushi.

Speaker 3 I eat out two girls in quick succession, and I

Speaker 3 used a saltine cracker, like the Pepsi challenge, to give them each, to make sure I wasn't,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 so I could go in fresh each.

Speaker 2 That's a clever way to sneak eating saltine crackers into

Speaker 2 having sex.

Speaker 2 Sub, you're a real pussy connoisseur.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I I'm not just eating crackers.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, it's going to take a whole sleeve.

Speaker 2 I'm not trying to incorporate eating into this threesome, which will probably never happen again in my life.

Speaker 3 Happened twice, thank you.

Speaker 2 That's pretty cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 2 Nick, do you ever. It was too much.
Do you ever fuck two guys at the same time? I got him. No.
Never.

Speaker 2 What's that called? The devil's gay sex.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Just have an old recycling symbol looking. It'd be tight if Kavanaugh was like.

Speaker 2 That refers to gay sex me and two of my friends were having. Yes, that would be the devil's.
The devil's triangle is when three guys have sex with each other. So there's no way

Speaker 2 Garth over here could have been involved in that.

Speaker 3 That would rule if he was just like, I didn't rape, I was gay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's like, I only had gay sex until I had to pretend to be Christian to become president or whatever I am.

Speaker 2 The king of being a judge or whatever job this is.

Speaker 2 Council of Atlanta. Yeah, until actually,

Speaker 2 you can ask the FBI. I pretty much was gay until last week.

Speaker 3 Isn't that right? They just bring the FBI in and just show pictures of him holding hands with guys,

Speaker 3 getting fucking

Speaker 3 getting brunch together.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they called it Georgetown Prep because they needed that for all the agents.

Speaker 3 That's where they invented Prep. Nice.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Nice, nice, nice. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I am gay.

Speaker 2 We're fucked.

Speaker 3 What'd you do today, Adam?

Speaker 2 I was working on my 2018 taxes.

Speaker 3 Damn, still haven't done your taxes, you lazy bitch.

Speaker 2 Hopefully, by the end of this week, they'll be done.

Speaker 3 Me and Nick are business owners, alright?

Speaker 2 I know. Well, my LLC or my S-Corp will be done also this week, too.
I'm waiting this

Speaker 2 small cock operational federal government to cash that fucking check so I know how much money I have. They didn't cash yours yet? No, the state did, but not the federal government.

Speaker 3 They cashed my shit.

Speaker 2 Well, I probably send them off at different days.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 3 if your dick is small, they wait longer. Hold on.
I'm just getting a phone call.

Speaker 2 Who's that? The government? The IRS, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 3 Oh, you do wait really a long time if their dick is small?

Speaker 3 But if their dick is big, you do it immediately.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay, thank you. Oh, hello.
I'm looking at my bank statement. I guess they cashed it

Speaker 2 weeks and weeks ago, and that's why I didn't see it.

Speaker 2 My mistake.

Speaker 3 Damn it. Hold on.
I'm getting another call.

Speaker 3 Oh, Psych?

Speaker 3 Oh, the IRS said Psych.

Speaker 3 And actually, the earlier the year, and that they haven't cashed mine yet.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, now I've realized I was looking at your bank account, which I have access to.

Speaker 2 At the bank, they said if your dick's bigger than another guy's you just get access to his bank account

Speaker 2 they checked our files and said I deserved to have access to your bank account

Speaker 2 yeah no that's what's happening

Speaker 2 let me tab over to mine and yeah it looks like whatever we said the thing is

Speaker 2 is now in my favor

Speaker 2 I just called someone and they told me that the other thing actually was yeah well I just got a a Megan alert on my phone that says you're gay.

Speaker 2 My phone's buzzing

Speaker 2 a Megan's Law thing here that says you're a faggot.

Speaker 3 Wow, that is fucked up, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm about to call Apple. Actually Apple just called me and they said every iPhone is wrong.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 But I'll use it. I guess we'll probably have to go deal with that then.

Speaker 2 Yes. All right.
Bye, guys.