Ep. 142 – Chelsea Clinton RACIST

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Well, it's Valentine's Day, folks.

You know what that means.

You're at home by yourself listening to the podcast.

Maybe you're beating off.

Maybe you're thinking about all the women in your life or men that you sucked off or ate their pussies of.

But now you're alone, bitch.

And it's just us.

And I want to give a special Valentine's Day shout out to Miss Chelsea Clinton.

Adam's motherfucking Valentine.

My wife.

Gerald friend Chelsea.

Gerald Friend.

Yeah.

Is Dasha Matchies flirting with you?

Chelsea?

Mm-hmm.

yeah.

Yeah, I think, I think Dash is feeling the heat.

And that's really what I want.

So it's a win-win for me.

But she's good.

She's like Hillary's face with Bill's body fat percentage.

It's a beautiful combination.

Bill's not fat.

He's skinny now.

Old Bill, dude.

Phil Hartman making fun of him.

I think she's pretty skinny.

Her face is kind of fucked up looking.

Yeah.

Her chin.

She's got Bill Clinton's jaw.

You know, the main point is that I learned a lot about

what anti-Semitism is from her.

What is that exactly?

I've never heard that word.

Basically, you're not allowed to, as a Jewish person, make a joke about how we're all ugly because that's anti-Semitic to myself.

It's funny.

It's like she goes,

the ugly Jew is a centuries-old trope.

And it's like, is it?

I mean,

they're cheap and they control the government but it's not there's like that the the portrait of the money lender guy sure but is it was the point of that that he's ugly well then he's kind of like

the hook nose has been around sinister the hook nose yeah but no one ever says that's ugly they're just like it's less ugly than it is phenotypes or

that

that may be but no one ever said they're ugly uh people have said they're ugly including myself and yeah i think i don't know if that's a century-old trope

it's it's like i don't know telling like vermin that's part of the trope telling a jew like that they can't make a self-deprecating joke it's it's like

maybe i'm wrong here but it's like chelsea clinton going up to black people and saying you know that word has a lot of history behind it and you guys are being racist yeah but if if she was supporting like a blue lives matter caucus

and yeah that's also another thing like ape can suck my hard cock yeah it's like uh we're not supposed to think that there's a fucking Jewish conspiracy over our government.

It's awesome.

When literally every single member of Congress buried this woman for just saying that

people spend money on lobbying to have influence in government.

Like, that, but they're, there, she literally did not say anything beyond that.

It's literally what a lobby is.

That is what a lobby is.

And then she, like, apologized because she said all about the Benjamins, but like, which is, again, what it is.

But she meant, like, she meant Benjamin, not as Netanyahu.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, that sucked, Dick.

It was also the most hilarious thing of all time to be like, wow, can you believe this woman is

anti-Semitically claiming Jews control our government?

And then less than 24 hours later, she's like, I am an anti-Semite.

Me acknowledging the existence of AIPAC makes me feel, it really just makes Jews look terrible.

The best part is it really just makes it look like there is a Jewish conspiracy.

Well, there is.

But also, I heard that she had to let Sheldon Nielsen wipe his ass with her hijab.

That was the punishment.

As an apology,

he's just on all fours.

Yeah.

Just get his face on the map.

Diaper removed.

And then they press the button on the computer that keeps him alive to produce feces out of his ass.

And it went directly under her hijab.

Computer, stop molestation, run, running, remolestation program.

Begin running shitting.

He's so funny because it's like,

just die.

You know, if you look like that, just die.

When I was a kid, I would see him in Vegas in a fucking motorized scooter surrounded by like five ex-Mossad guys.

Like, he had security detail because he was a, he did, he was like a union buster.

He didn't, he doesn't hire any unions for his hotels.

Oh, wow.

So he's like paranoid.

I'm a union buster.

A union buster.

Well, then I meet him in the busting union.

The busting union?

Yeah.

Local 426.9.

I've been busting for 25 years.

My father was busting here before he was ever hired.

Really busting.

You see, this floor is baked with my bust.

And nobody needs non-slip shoes in here.

You can go around and put on fucking bowling alley shoes.

You walk around this place.

You stay on your feet.

your feet.

Even fucking hurricane winds come by.

That's right.

Turn a pair of fucking ballerina slippers into gravity boots.

That's so much busters on the floor and the buddy is busting the fucking whole goddamn industry.

Yeah.

I've been watching network television again.

I got the antenna moved over to the other side of the room so I can watch my precious Jeopardy.

Did it fix it?

It did.

Jeopardy comes in now.

I feel like Jeopardy's gotten easier.

Maybe you're just smarter, bro.

No, I think they maybe...

Maybe you're older and smarter.

No, I mean, in the last like two or three years.

Really?

What are some of the questions now?

I mean, they're like, like, one of the categories was Bugs Bunny cartoons.

And then it's like, I don't, I haven't seen a single, I don't know anything about Bugs Bunny, but it's all like, like the fucking, the, the, the, what is it, $2,000 for the top-tier question?

It was like just a picture of Marvin the Martian.

It's like, this guy.

Wow.

What is Marvin the Martian?

What is Marvin the Martian?

This Jeopardy host used to have a mustache.

Right.

No, it was like as easy as

taxi cab jeopardy.

Right.

That's the good shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel smart in taxicabs.

Yeah.

Well, I want to talk about the other, more about Jews for a second, though.

I remember a while ago, I just realized, I watched some documentary.

Isn't like a bunch of people who support AIPAC like crazy fundamentalists that

want Jews to have

the Holy Land so that like God can come back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they don't like Jews.

In fact,

God is probably gonna kill them, right?

When he comes back, people think that they'll bring the rapture if there's a holy war between Jews and Muslims in the Holy Land.

Yeah, so literally.

So they want Jews to support, they want to support people dying

on both sides because they think that that will bring the rapture.

Yeah, I mean, it makes sense.

Like, imagine if black people were like, we all need to leave America and go back to Africa.

It's like, of course, white nationalists would love it.

Right.

We need to do everything we can to protect

them.

Yep.

Isn't that what Marcus Garvey wanted to do?

It is.

Why weren't they supporting my man Marcus, dude?

Who?

White nationalists.

They did.

Did they?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

They were boys.

Yeah.

Was he boys with the guns?

Well, that's why there's like a Marcus Garvey Boulevard in Brooklyn, because when this was all Italians, they were like, yeah, how about go back to Africa Avenue?

There's no MLK Boulevard in Brooklyn.

That is true.

There is

in Harlem.

Wait, there is, isn't there?

I feel like I drove down it, actually, on my way here.

Stop.

Stop.

Just stop.

No, Harlem has Malcolm X.

Oh, yeah, we have Malcolm X.

There's Malcolm X here, too.

Yeah.

Dude, I love that guy.

Malcolm X.

Yeah, dude.

So sick.

Sean King.

Sean King.

Dude, that's the first thing.

The funniest place on the internet is Sean King's Mentions.

People are literally everything he tweets is like, we're raising $5 million for black girls so they can go into STEM.

And then the first comment is like, Sean King is white.

Yeah,

they call him.

Well, it was originally like Swarm Front and Al-Right, people calling him Talcum X, but now black people have started calling him Talcum X.

That and Martin Luther Cream.

Those are good bits.

Those are birds that cross the colours.

Those are good bits, dude.

I know it's mean about Marcus Gravy, but the gravy that goes on biscuits.

I know they're erasing a guy's identity.

But, you know, then again, he potentially did steal money for vacations and shit.

Did he?

Yeah.

That's cool.

You know, fuck him also.

If that's true.

From who?

From people giving money to Black Lives Matter.

Oh, shit, words.

Like, like, charities and stuff.

What's his story?

I don't really know much about him, but so he's got, like, white parents, but his mom cheated on his dad with a black eye.

I think you told me that, so I'm going to say yes.

I don't really know.

That that's what happened.

That because on his birth certificate is a white guy, but it turned out he got shot.

He's like a poster, basically.

He like he like posts like

police brutality shit, and then he's like, Let's find out who these people are

or some shit.

Interesting.

I don't know.

I have nothing against the man.

Well, you said, you said, fuck him, though.

But you know who I do have something against?

That's Chelsea fucking Quinn.

What a fucking loser.

What an absolute loser.

Name searching.

Can you imagine being the heir to a fortune of probably a half a billion dollars?

Like fucking.

All that fucking Goldman Sachs.

Growing up in the fucking White House.

Well, they take the money away from you if somebody owns you online.

Oh, really?

Do I get that money?

Well, no, it goes to the state.

He's double-owned.

It goes to the state.

Oh, it goes to the state.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Can you imagine being so fucking insecure that you name search yourself on Twitter and you try to get in arguments with a guy from a podcast called Cummer?

Well, she doesn't even know.

You're just a guy.

Just anyone.

You're a random.

There's no, I guess you have like followers.

So that maybe that's why she goes after people with like a following to get a little buzz going or some shit.

Yeah.

I don't know, dude.

Yeah.

She's a fucking guy.

My men she's a mess.

You should just.

I just have like Cheryl.

It's like, it's like a, they're always named like Cindy and then like nine numbers afterwards.

Which I can only hope are their social security numbers.

Let's try.

The best one by far is

someone just posting my avatar of Chris Bosch and saying, like, you're calling Chelsea ugly.

Look how ugly you are.

How dare you.

That one's amazing, where she's just like dragging the former power forward for the Heat and Raptors.

Future Hall of Famer Chris Bosch.

Yeah, whose career was unfortunately

cut short.

Sherailed by some kind of heart issue.

And he was also called gay by his teammates.

Everyone called him gay because he liked to read and use

a program.

He liked to code and coding.

Everyone called him gay.

Because he didn't have any illegitimate children.

It is literally the most middle school reason to call someone gay.

Because they like reading.

People used to also call him a catfish.

He does.

I used to like the move of taking my glasses and then putting them on other people and then calling them four eyes.

Oh, that's interesting.

That's a good move.

Yeah.

Well, how would they react?

Damn, Dr.

Oz has some titties.

Yeah, he does.

Dr.

Oz also has some wild plastic.

He's got weird, a weird body, bro.

Why are his eyebrows going so his titties are really poking out of that little purple satin shirt he's got on?

Dr.

Paz.

He does look like he has those big nipples that some gay guys have.

You know, where they really milk them to look nice.

Yeah.

I know that thing about it.

It was like a YouTube community.

They all got dinner plates.

No, it's not wrong.

They're called bull nips.

There's a

YouTube community of older gay guys that smoke cigars wearing a leather daddy hat and like blow the smoke at the camera while they like they use like little suction devices to make their nipples face.

Yes, thank you.

And it's my favorite.

And then the comments are like, love it.

Would love to suck on those nipples while you blow that cigar smoke in my face.

Yo, people want to jack off to everything.

Yeah, I know.

That's such a hilarious combination

of big-ass nipples and fucking cigar smoke.

And I just never thought of the same website where you're like a click away from like,

you know, like cute doggo, you know, makes friends with a kitty cat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Someone's using that website to like learn how to do algebra.

Yeah.

And I know, like,

yeah, it would be like if like, like somebody was like, it goes into a public library and they're like, yes, I'm looking for the children's book section for my daughter.

They're like, oh, yes, it's right there in between periodicals and child pornography.

You just go right through that section, and that's where the children are.

They're chipped assholes and go right into the children's books.

Okay, well, you see that man with the cigar and the bull nips.

Well, walk past him, and that's where the door of the explorer books are.

If you see a man smoking a cigar out of another man's ass, you've gone too far.

So they like big silver dollar dinner plate nips.

Yeah, they have like regular.

It's not like they have titties,

but they have the nipples of someone with titties.

Of like a big breast nipple.

Exactly.

It's bizarre.

That's fucking weird, dude.

But hey, good for them, though.

I would love to.

So anyway, that's what Dr.

Oz's nipples are.

I have alarmingly small nipples.

I got a nice size.

I got real tiny little.

Yeah, here you go.

Here's on Pornhub.

Here's...

Nips.

Whatever those things are.

He's smoking the cigar, and he's making his nipples bigger with these.

Ripe smoker.

Cigar smoker playing with hairy nipples.

Yeah.

So check out that vid.

Oh, my God.

He looks like Macho Man Randy Savage after he went biker.

Jesus fucking Christ, dude.

That guy's nipples are so long.

Does he shave his armpits, too?

No.

No.

No, I'm not.

He doesn't shave anything.

Ooh, God.

Oh.

He's putting the under so he gets a sense of scale.

Now, I don't understand, like, what

are you jacking off to?

I guess the sucking the nipples.

Maybe he appears to be like a kind of.

Here we go.

This is a video of a guy that looks just like fucking

have a nice day.

Mick Foley.

Mick Foley.

He does, yeah.

Like Mick Foley.

Three fingers in his ass.

Three fingers in his asshole.

And the title of the video is Wet Pussy.

It's verified, so he's a user.

Yeah, yeah.

This This is his name, Sugar Ditches.

Yeah.

He looks just like Mick Foley.

Yep.

Everyone, we were literally watching gay pornography on the show now.

I should have said that.

It looks like he has an ass plug-in.

He has an ass plug in.

He's about to shit out the ass plug.

No.

Oh, I can't watch that.

Listen.

That's too much for me.

Other people have other preferences.

Yeah, good for them.

We support them

living their truth.

The anonymous Trump officials' daily daily caller screed is pure MAGA bait.

Is that still on Pornhub?

Yes.

Dude, that's I saw some video of like

now, you know, that website, Now This?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like news clips out of context with dramatic music.

You know, they did some video to prove that Donald Trump was being racist against Native Americans in 1993

when he was like looking for like casino funding.

And he just makes some like dumb.

I mean, the point he's making is stupid, but you know, he's like, he's like talking about like, you're not even checking to make sure that these Native Americans are actually Native Americans.

You go to these casinos, he's like, they don't look like Native Americans to me.

And I don't know what fucking, I don't know, some congressman from 25 years ago.

He's like, he's like, how dare you, sir?

He's like, do you know how often that

claim has been made in history?

They don't look like Jews to me.

And it's like, what, what are you talking about?

That wasn't like an issue.

Like in the Holocaust, no one has ever said that.

They exonerated the Jews.

Like, what the fuck are you saying?

Yeah.

Anyways.

Yeah, how would they look like Jews to me?

There's so many ways.

Hey, we're not going to kill them.

Send them away.

There's so many ways.

Like, Trump just, like, during his campaign, said so many things that were like just racist.

Yeah.

And, like, calling for violence.

And purely racist.

And you can point at those things.

And now they have to, like, reach because they already covered all of those things.

Yeah.

People are like, I don't really care.

Yeah.

The

fucking video of him imitating that disabled guy.

I mean,

so much of like Trump coverage.

So much of Trump coverage is literally just pornography for liberals.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Jack off to now this video.

Yeah.

Right.

If Trump released a video of him saying the N-word while enlarging his nipples,

smoking a big

Romeo Iulieta.

They're like, see, I knew it.

I told you.

He's appropriating daddy cultures.

That guy fingering his wet pussy, watching the Trump video.

That would be so funny if Trump came back with a fucking beard for the new election.

Yeah.

Just looks fucking like a gay guy.

Did you get off Twitter before this Esquire thing happened?

What Esquire thing?

No.

Did you see this?

I saw it, yeah.

They did a cover story on like a teenage conservative boy or some shit or some.

Yeah, I guess like the cover of Esquire was like a white teenage boy.

Uh-huh.

And they did a profile on like what it's like to be a white teenage boy in the Midwest who's like a Trump supporter.

And people were like, cancel this.

How dare they even write this article?

There was some huge,

huge issue about it.

What was the

shot?

I haven't seen shit.

That just seems to be the thing this week.

Yeah, I've missed everything, dude.

It's been kind of nice.

Yeah.

I watched that movie Reds yesterday.

Dasher took my phone away.

What was Reds?

Bruce Willis?

No, no, no.

Warren Beatty.

Yeah.

Warren Beatty and Bruce Willis is a good one.

Real quick, we were talking about the Holocaust earlier.

Do you think a guy who wasn't Jewish that looked kind of Jewish got got?

Of course.

But what if he was a circumstanced?

Do you think they checked the ultimate way to get out of

the synagogues and they got registers of he was Jewish?

Well, they also literally, yes, they would check to see if you were circumcised.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Damn.

And they did also throw people in camps who didn't even know they were Jewish, but had like a Jewish grandparent or something, or parent.

Even if they were uncircumcised?

This is where I should come in on the issue.

I want to make sure if you're uncircumcised.

No one uncircumcised got killed.

I think you would have been okay.

I would have been fine.

I just worry about my uncirked brothers.

I'm going to do the uncircumcised Holocaust Memorial.

Just the gypsies and

one random guy.

It's funny if you found out that they had plenty of food in the concentration camps, but there was just one guy that looked like Stav.

Just convening like thirds.

They're like, we are out of food.

We're fighting a war.

We don't have any more money for food.

Salute to him, my spiritual ancestor.

I would love for just.

Sorry to keep going back to this guy's, but I'm sorry.

No, please, how are you feeling at this?

I would love for Chelsea Clinton to like

retweet a picture of Mel Brooks dressed as Hitler and be like, listen, this is anti-Semitic of you.

This is like, Hitler actually killed six million Jews.

And while you think it's funny, it's not very funny that six million people die.

There's literally an episode of Curb where he throws a dollar bill in the middle of a room.

Do you remember that episode?

They're at that funeral.

That was true.

And all those like 50 old Jews are like fighting for the dollar bill.

Yeah.

It's like all Jews, like, especially in comedy, just say anti-Semitic, self-deprecating things.

It is a pillar of comedy.

Yeah, it's the fucking...

Because we're all thinking it.

We're all thinking it, and we all get to watch it.

It's insane.

It's insane how, like, and it's true.

How the fucking pro-Israel lobby has now co-opted, like, canceling people.

It is pretty funny.

And, like, call out culture and stuff.

You, the ways you get canceled by pro-Israel.

Just to defend ethnic cleansing.

To defend

crimes against humanity.

What was the first tweet she said about

Oman or whatever?

Didn't she say as an American or some shit?

Yeah.

Chelsea.

Yeah, whatever.

What a fucking whore.

Fuck her.

Fuck Chelsea Clinton.

You lost.

You lost to Trump.

Hey, bitch, how about instead of name searching?

Why don't they just go away?

Yeah.

Why don't they go away?

Shouldn't they be ashamed of this?

Your dumbass mom lost to Trump, you fucking idiot.

Just go away.

Just be rich.

Just be rich somewhere.

I know.

For the rest of your life.

Just eat at nice restaurants.

But she was already rich for the beginning of her life.

Yeah, because she came out of the, she just got

squeezed out of the right push.

Nothing's changed.

It's not like you fucking, you know, hit the jackpot.

Yeah,

what do you think she does for fun, Chelsea Clinton?

She fucking explains anti-Semitism to Jewish.

She probably plays the new Nintendo Switch.

Oh, yeah.

It's available in GameStop now.

Come Time is brought to you by the Nintendo Switch.

It is not officially brought to you by Nintendo Switch, but it's pretty tight.

Did you get it?

Yeah, did you?

Is that why you mentioned it on the pod?

We've been playing Switch.

Wait, I thought you said that there was a new Switch.

Oh, man.

Just now.

You know what?

When did it come out?

Like nine years ago?

Yeah.

It came out.

No, it came out.

It was like 15 years ago.

A year ago.

Yeah.

I should just get one.

Yeah, you should.

I stopped playing it, though, for a while.

I got to get back in the zone.

I got to take a shit like the Dickens.

Oh, yeah?

Right now?

Yeah.

What are you shitting out?

What did you eat?

There's a Mission Chinese in Brooklyn now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw it good.

It's too salty.

It's the best.

What's Mission Chinese?

The best Chinese food.

I don't.

Well, it's not Chinese food.

It's like.

What is it?

Explain.

It's like Asian.

They got like a Dan-Dan noodle ramen.

Okay.

Like spicy peanuts.

They got dumplings and shit.

It's like...

Yeah,

their green tea noodle thing is very good.

But yeah, there's one in Chinatown.

I guess they just opened one at Ridge.

They sound in pain.

Those yawns sounded scared and then in pain.

Yeah, yeah.

I hope I get sent to a fucking Clinton Foundation black site in Syria and they torture me and kill me.

Is that what you want?

Yeah, that's what I want.

I mean, we are pushing up against the limit here where we're going to be murdered at some point.

Everyone wants to kill me.

For being disrespectful to the elites?

Lena Dunham trying to befriend Dasha the day after that happens is bizarre.

That's awesome.

It's such a stupid world.

She's personal friends with Chelsea Clinton.

It doesn't make any fucking sense.

She She made a fucking rap video the day before the election, like, where she played, where she was like, Hillary Clinton's a gangster and stuff, which I personally think was more damning than the Comey Legend.

Yeah, I think that's what did it.

That's what did it completely.

That was a really good rap video.

Yeah.

It's so funny.

It's like...

They called Lena Dunham a human beanbag chair.

Well, I just think all of that.

She heard it and was like, yas.

Well, because fat man,

like sometimes, if you're just fat, you just want a hot person to be your friend, no matter how rich you are.

Fat bitches want the approval of a skinny, mean girl.

It's a tale as old as time, Adam.

No, Beauty and the Beast is the time.

Yep.

Yeah, Dasha.

Leanna.

Dasha Linga.

That's a great Photoshop.

A dick as long as mine, four entire inches.

Hard.

Hard.

Soft.

No, soft.

No, soft.

But it doesn't get that much bigger.

But a little bit.

It's like, are you a shower or a grower?

Technically, both.

That would be so frustrating to have like a five damage, like a meaty five soft.

And then it just grows.

I used to say this on stage, but I was, what if you have a shower not a grower, which means that your dick is seven and a half inches flaccid, but when it gets hard, it's 3.5 inches.

That would be pretty good.

So

then you would just force yourself to have gay sex all the time.

Or whatever the opposite of your orientation is.

So true.

You would get fucked in the ass and have your big-ass dick slapping between your thighs.

Yeah, you'd be like, yeah, I'm so into this.

That's why it's so hard right now.

That's why it's so big.

And then when it's hard, it looks small,

but you pretend you're not.

You're not into it.

Yeah, you're not into it.

You become the opposite, opposite man, the ultimate Batman.

God damn it, opposite man.

I can't tell if you're hard or soft.

And you never will.

Passed away.

Some men just want to have gay sex.

But does he?

But does he, Alfred?

To any of us.

Suck my little dick.

I've never had street sex.

But that place, Mission Chinese, that you brought up, the chef, the guy who started that restaurant, is a Korean guy who was adopted by Jewish people.

Oh.

So when he became an adult, he learned how to make Asian food as a means of stopping being Jew.

That's good.

Technically, Chinese food is Jewish food, adjacent, I guess.

You guys created it.

Yeah, he's...

I love how Jews try and take control of that just because it's the only thing open on Christmas.

Like, it's actually Jewish.

Yeah, we like, we like Chinese food a lot.

Everyone loves Chinese food.

Well, I'll tell you what we really love here.

What's that?

Is uh betting?

Yes.

Yeah.

Take it away, boys.

Damn, I.

If you guys ever heard of

betsi.com, it's a number one motherfucking site paying out winners for 15 years.

A great sports book, etc.

With fuck, 24-hour customer.

That's good enough.

So, that's Betty SI there's a promo code or something.

Back to the show.

Yeah, you know, you're right, but I just love the product so much.

I also want to talk about how.

Yeah, that's interesting.

Yeah, I guess the paid portion of the read is over, and now these are the ones that we're going to talk about.

Now, I just want to talk about what I love.

Yeah, interesting.

You know, it's funny that we did that paid read for Bet the SI against our will.

It reminds me of my own personal feelings towards the website.

How much I love it.

How much I love it.

I love the website as much as I hate being paved to do advertising.

Yes, that's true.

Because I'm

what you call a soulscape.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

I'm not in it for the money.

I would never get sponsored.

No.

No way.

Being sponsored is fucking gay.

Absolutely.

But what's not gay,

unless you are gay and you like gay sex, is Bet DSI.

Bet dsi.com.

They've been in business for 50 years.

150 years.

They've been in in business 115 years.

It started in 1886

when

Charles Bett the SI

originally spelled B-E-T-D-E-S-E-A-U-I-O.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Bet the SI.

The SI.

Bet the SI.

But they changed it at Ellis Island.

Well, he came over when Louisiana was still a French colony.

Nice.

His family, it was actually the largest plantation in Louisiana.

So this is a company that's been in business, technically, if you're taking the family into consideration for 400 years.

He's old South.

Old South.

We don't have to get into that part of the family.

In the 1870s, they got into Mandingo family.

No, they did not.

They got into crocodile.

No, that was the first thing that was fighting.

Oh, well, yeah.

Mandingos would fight crocodile.

It means something else.

Whatever you guys are thinking, Nick is talking about

something.

Pierre Gustave Touton Betia

on his father's plantation.

He said,

I want to make

architectural style.

I want to make right the evil legacy of slavery, so I'm going to have my Mandingos fight each other and take money away from the people betting on the fights.

And that's where gambling was actually in.

And he paid them $15 an hour, minimum wage.

Who?

The Bet DSI.

No, the Mandingos.

From the

winnings or whatever.

And actually, this is true.

A lot of those, the descendants of those people, work for the customer service department at Bet BetDSI now.

So you can call them up and ask them.

You can call them up 24-7 to ask them about betdsi.com.

You got any questions?

You've got an easy-to-use mobile playing interface.

So you can go anywhere.

Whether you're out on the bayou or strolling the beautiful cotton fields.

Or we're just watching sports.

Let's focus on the sports aspects.

NBA's company.

Des Blanu Plantation, Plantation, home of Pierre Gustave, Bet the SI, available for beddings and apartment.

Home of the Bet the SI website.

That's where all the servers are.

Out in the fields.

Constantly overheating.

But they're a family company.

A bunch of sweaty servers out there.

Server farms.

Just

singing server spirituals and serving up.

All of those.

Yeah.

All of that good betting content you know and love.

They offer live in-game wagering.

You know?

That's right.

And something else.

And, yeah.

They pay out winners and stuff.

A long history of paying out winners.

And

what are we betting on this week, guys?

This week we're.

What's going on in sports?

The Celtics just played the Sixers.

Yeah.

So you can't bet on the Celtics won.

They won despite not having Kyrie Irving.

I think tonight the Blazers play the Warriors, so bet on the Warriors.

They're going to run off a nice.

I feel like they're going to go on a nice little streak here, and then Kevin Durant's going to come to New York.

Bet on Kevin Durant coming to New York and Kyrie.

Because there's absolutely no way that James Dolan can ruin this.

Yeah.

So go to betdsi.com.

And

when you sign up, make sure you use promo code CUM120 so they know we send you.

That is correct.

When you sign up, you've got some options.

You can just play and cash out, or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you play the tables.

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They're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which is turned $1,000 into $1,600 to play with.

Once again, that's betdsi.com, come 120.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

All right, doggies.

Bow, wow.

Bow, bow, bow, bow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

We need some fucking hard rock music to get us going, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, Marin stars.

Mew, winner, win, win.

Lock the fucking game.

Mew.

We need Motley Cruise.

Suck a dick.

Suck the dicks.

Suck the dicks.

All right.

What's up, suck a dick a knots?

Suck the dickericans.

Dick addicts.

Dick suckers.

Today, my guest is.

Hey, how you doing?

It's me, Mark Marin.

It's me, Mark Mirin.

How you doing?

It's me, fucking Mark Marin.

Fucking Mark.

Mark Marin here.

Mark Marin, man.

Does this sound like a

Mark Mirrin?

Hey, there it is.

It's me, Mark Marin.

Yeah, this is.

Hello, it's me, Mark.

Yeah, man.

Talking about stamp stock camera.

I'm Mark Marin.

My name is Mark Marin.

Yeah.

I'm Mark Marin.

Devin Franklin, author of The Truth About Men.

This guy was on The Real prior to being on Dr.

Oz.

He's doing a media tour.

He's doing a media tour.

Dude, that real show is fucking terrible.

It's like black.

Is that the fake view?

It's four black women, three black women, and then one Chinese lady that talks like a black woman.

Right.

She's like...

She was like famous.

I just gotta say.

Not now that she's famous.

Now that she's famous, she's gone back to

appropriating.

Now that this,

well, this guy goes on, they have him talk about, like, I guess he wrote a book about that Gillette commercial.

The book is the same.

He's like, he's like, it's up to us as men to be better.

And then, oh, like, all the women in the audience.

How the fuck did he write a book about the Gillette commercial?

It came out like a week ago.

No, I mean, it's the same tone as the Gillette commercial.

I thought he was like, I saw this commercial and then I took so much out of them.

And I wrote 300 pages.

We could write a book.

Basically, the argument is that men should go back to acting like they did in the 1950s, which was classic man.

Which is what the point of the Gillette commercial was, whether they think it was or not.

Right.

Yeah, it was kind of a trad thing, right?

Yeah.

But this, yeah, so I don't know.

But

he's on there with Tia.

Yep.

One of them.

How they fought over which one got the job?

Does one have a better post-sister-sister career than the other?

I don't know.

They share one husband.

I bet you...

Really?

Yeah.

They share everything.

Really?

Yeah, Taj Maori, smart guy.

Their brother.

They're brother.

They fuck him.

They keep it in the family.

Game of Thrones, Cersei, and fucking Jamie type shit.

Yep.

And he just gets to

him.

He's double teamed by his twin sisters and pussies.

That sounds pretty cool.

That's a pretty smart guy move, if you ask me.

Yeah, it sounds pretty intelligent.

Smart to me.

Get double the pussy, keep it in the fam.

That's the best kind of pussy, you know.

Maybe I should read this guy's book.

The truth of Von Franklin's book?

What is that Ray Charles?

What's that Ray Charles, I guess?

Wait, isn't that Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles?

No, that's Ray Charles.

Are you sure?

I think it was Ray Charles.

It's clearly Ray Charles.

I don't know.

It's not only is it Ray Charles.

No, motherfucker.

It was a picture of Jamie Foxx.

Yeah, why the fuck would he bring it up then?

It was Devin.

I guarantee you.

We're watching

Dr.

Oz with the fucking Devin Franklin.

Look it up.

Let us know if it was a picture of Jamie Franklin.

Dude, look at the way Dr.

Oz is sitting.

He is absolutely crushing his testicles.

He just has nuts.

He had them removed and put into his breasts.

That's right.

So he could say transphobic things.

Yeah, he's a Charles Clymer spectrum.

Damn, dude.

Dude, I'm telling you.

Is Charles Clymer going in the bottom surgery?

Are you sure you want to do this?

He's like, I cannot lose my followers.

Who's Charles Clapper?

I guess it's Charlotte Clymer.

Charlotte Clymer, she lost an argument on Twitter and then came out of his trance.

Yeah, there there was an argument happening, and then in the middle of the argument, she was like, I'm actually trans.

Whoa, respect.

Yeah, yeah.

Honestly, true respect for that one.

And then commit, commit.

Commit to the bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Getting your nuts chopped off.

Which is like one of those, like.

It's funny.

This is like people I forgot.

Like, I forgot about.

I was thinking about like the toast the other day.

I don't know if you remember that website.

No.

It was all, it was like jokes for like

women.

It was like

chive.

Chive a junior.

No, it was like shouts and murmurs or fucking mcsweeneys for like girls that got an english degree

so wait isn't that what mcsweeneys is it's for yeah well mcsweeneys is for like both genders in the story oh gotcha it's you know like uh uh texts from earnest hemingway right right right right

right yeah uh and it's called toxic masculinity the kind of gifts but anyways uh uh i hadn't seen anything from mallory ortberg in forever i was like what the fuck happened to mallory ortberg Because Mallory Ortberg is now a man.

Nuh-uh.

Yeah.

Who's Mallory Ortberg?

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

The person from the Toast?

The Toast, yeah.

Oh, shit.

So it was a man's website all along.

So I guess you can say their penis is

toast.

Which is not, that would be if it was the other way around.

Oh, yeah, no.

Their pussy is toast, I guess.

Their titties are toast?

Yeah.

What would the man version of toast be?

A better type of breakfast?

Pancakes, maybe?

French toast?

A lumberjack?

Texas toast.

Texas.

Men only.

A hamsteak.

A breakfast burrito.

Bagel.

With cream cheese.

You think the Secret Service is listening to this?

Yeah, for sure.

Probably.

They are definitely.

If you're a hot Secret Service lady and you want to give me some pussy, please DM me.

And when I called Hillary or Chelsea a whore earlier, I meant it because for money.

Yeah.

I guess

Stav offering to have sex with a federal agent is worse than a death threat.

That's worse than threatening to kill him.

I'm saying if you want to, if that's your thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, the jury, we're going to show you pictures of Stavros Halculus' body.

Not guilty, not descriptions of his penis based on his own words.

And we don't do this to traumatize you, but to demonstrate the viciousness of this offer.

The jury's like, oh my God,

and the pain he intended to flick upon our agents

that protect the freedom and liberties of this country every single day of their lives.

They put it out on the line and they do it so that you say the Pledge of Allegiance.

Not so some morbidly obese Greek bastard

can threaten them with his shriveled children.

Objection, regular obese, Your Honor.

Shriveled child penis.

His premature penis.

The doctor said it's a miracle my dick was born.

Yeah.

Stav just had to go around all the time with his dick in an incubator.

Just a little box.

There's other dicks like holding hands and watching through the window.

Other full-grown dicks.

Come on, little buddy.

You can do it.

I don't think she's going to make it.

It's a boy, goddammit.

It's a girl.

It's absolutely.

My dick, she is gay.

But yeah, aside from what Nick said, if you are a federal agent listening and you do want to have sex with me,

federal agent,

Agent Jackson, you're on line one.

Yeah, I just think

it's really messed up that

Stavros guy said that

I could have sex with him.

Baba Baba Boy, Baba Baba Boy.

All right.

Okay.

I'm a hot ass

fucking agent.

You're a hot ass fucking agent.

I'm hot as shit, and I have big ass titties.

Yeah.

And I want to fucking.

Oh, thank you so much.

Gustav, you were doing a

pantomime of a phone next to your ear.

No, it wasn't.

I literally just.

It was just my thumb, dude.

I was about to do it, but I just did this to play it off.

Yeah, it's called being an actor, Adam.

I have to get into the character, okay?

I mean, I did no one could tell that wasn't me.

If it but you had to give it away.

Doctor, doctor.

Suck me the dick.

I got a bad case of being

gay.

Yeah.

Speaking of, if you're out there and you got a bad case of being gay, you know what might help you out?

Buying a new pair of boots.

Why don't you get yourself some cool boots?

You stop around,

being straight as hell.

Stomp on some nuts.

Well, tell you what, guys.

I don't know what kind of fucking boots you guys like.

I like good ones that are good value.

I think it's just work boots.

I mean, or ding?

I don't know.

Which one?

Why does Jake keep it?

Well, stop personally might not like work boots.

No, I mean, ding.

No, you already said that.

I don't remember how to do it.

Maybe you prefer delicate fashion boots.

No, fuck that.

Or maybe cheap boots that fall apart after

shelling out $400 or more for a pair of boots to get you through one season.

Fuck that shit.

I hate all that shit.

Well, guess what?

There's another option.

Yes!

Do you know what it is?

Yes, dude.

Do you know what it is?

Getting your cock sucked by a guy who works at the

dick sucked by a federal agent.

But say, fuck you to those goose-stepping boots down there at the

Secret Service

trying to tell us we can't threaten the president and make our own money.

The president is on.

With our faces on it.

I'll tell you what.

When I'm threatening to kill the president and printing my own money, there's nothing I love more than wearing Thursday boots.

No.

I just like wearing them, regardless of activity.

A four-year-old bootstrap startup that's been shaking up the industry, like Chelsea Clinton's new baby, which we plan.

We will break into her house and chamber, baby.

No, we will not.

Wearing Thursday.

No,

Thursday has nothing to do with it.

Officially sponsored

in the United States.

We wouldn't be wearing Thursday boots if we were doing that.

Come down here for the Secret Service of the United States, teaming up with Thursday boots.

We are not teaming up.

As members of the Secret Service, we promise to keep this country safe.

And we recognize that Chelsea Clinton is the enemy.

No, we don't.

Not during an ad read.

No, we don't.

Thursday Boot Company, a four-year-old bootstrap startup, they've been shaking up that industry by making really ridiculously high-quality boots.

They sell directly to the consumer at unbeatable prices.

Unbeatable, much like Donald Trump, who the Clinton family will never be.

Never, ever.

I'll give you that one.

Nick Schwartz for something.

No, no, no.

Why I, Stavros Halkis.

No, that's Nick Mullen speaking.

I'm Stavros Alkis.

Hey, everybody.

That's not what I sounded.

That is not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking to you.

You're holding your cheeks to make them fatter.

That's not what I sound for.

Directly through the chicken that's now in my mouth to say that I will personally kill her.

I will not.

Chelsea Kelly.

I am Stavros.

I will not kill her.

And this counts as a confession.

Did the sequel say this directly?

Brand started in 2014.

And the name Thursday came about because on Thursday you work hard, but it's also the the unofficial start of the weekend.

So true.

We all know that classic weekend.

We all know

it's Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Tuesday.

Wednesday, we realize, fuck, we haven't recorded this week's episode.

We're part of the gig economy.

Oh, yeah.

So we don't have any weekends.

It's just non-stop.

We're always working.

Non-stop working, dude.

Just gigging 24-7, 24,

driving Uber, delivering caviar, playing guitar in the Anthony Cumiya band.

The guitars from the Anthony Cumia band.

I drive for Lyft, Juno, Uber.

I'm now on a new app where you can hire a surgeon to come to your house if you don't have health insurance.

Five bucks.

And it's called

Fiverr.

Pay five bucks.

I'll do the surgery.

Who needs insurance if we have a guy in Silicon Valley who can make more money than the person doing the surgery?

Yep.

It all goes back to the venture company.

Did you know that 99% of the money goes to the contractor after fees?

The brand started in 2014 and the name Thursday came out.

But something about

the fucking weekend here.

That's dumb.

Who gives a shit with the name of Thursday?

Oh, we care.

It's cool.

Oh, yeah, it's cool.

Durable enough to take the serious beating and sophisticated enough to clean up for a date.

So you can fuck the shoes and wear them while fucking.

That's so true.

That's what that is.

I I will support that.

They're built for men and women

or the other, any, whatever gender you are.

Or they, thems.

We're going to.

You're going to they them.

Throw these motherfucking suits on your boots on.

Whatever you identify.

Whatever you identify in.

If you're other kin out there, you know, you think you're a dragon or maybe a chimera.

Is that where you're a bunch of different shit?

Maybe, listen, if we have any people that identify as millipedes, go to Thursday Boots and buy a thousand pairs of shoes.

Put your money where you're fucking mouths.

Yeah, exactly.

Because I want to get serious for a second.

Please do.

If you're one of these fucking pieces of shit that's out there pretending to be some kind of bug,

you know.

Yep.

You think you're, oh, I'm actually a spider.

And you want to draw pictures of yourself as a spider.

Why aren't you wearing eight pairs of shoes?

Or I guess four, but yeah.

Spiders have eight shoes.

Yeah.

A pair refers to one shoe.

Oh, okay.

Did they change that recently?

I just decided something, guys.

Hold on.

We have to keep talking about Thursday boots.

I have an announcement to make.

Wait a second.

What is it?

No, we'll say it after Thursday boots.

We'll say it after Thursday boots.

Made in the same North American manufacturing facilities as the heritage brands your parents and grandparents wore that sell for two to three times the price.

This is true, guys.

Most of their factories used to be internment camps.

No, it isn't true.

No.

No, sorry.

I tabbed over.

I was reading something else here.

That's your personal.

Keep your personal website away from the business.

Yeah, a lot of people know this, but Bet DSI was a plantation, and Thursday Boots was an internment camp.

Yep.

Thursday Boots are not only a better value, but they use better materials too.

Like the famous Chrome XL leather from the Horween Tannery in Chicago.

That's where Harry Potter goes to have gay sex.

That's right.

That's where he goes and he finds out he's gay.

What the fuck is J.K.

Rowdy?

Or a gay guy, Harry?

She stopped writing books like 15 years ago.

Well, she's doing a Chelsea where she's just like...

It's like Jeremy Corbin is an anti-Semite.

You can actually shove the book in your ass and let it fuck you.

The books themselves are gay.

A lot of people don't know.

That's true.

You can sandwich your dick in between the pages and fuck the book.

That is correct.

It's so funny, though, that, like, because I remember when Harry Potter came out back when, like...

the most insane people in culture were still conservative Christians and not like rank and file liberals.

And

Harry Potter was like, this is witchcraft.

Yeah, yeah.

This is poisoning people.

People that don't like Halloween.

And then now J.K.

Rowling is like, well, Dumbo Door was trying to teach four-year-olds that they should suck each other off.

That was kind of the point of the book.

It was trying to tell children that it's okay to sodomize each other.

A good service done.

Yeah, right.

Call to action here.

With prices starting at $149 in free shipping and returns, Thursday Boots are the best buy for this winter.

And with their clean, timeless design and durability, Thursday Boots will keep you standing comfortably for years to come.

They don't do sales or discounts, but if you head over to Thursdayboots.com/slash town, that's right, leave off the come part.

Just town.

They don't want that on their website.

Which we understand.

Which I personally don't.

I think it's a cute name.

Thursdayboots.com/slash town.

That's Thursdayboots.com slash town.

You get free shipping and returns.

Use my links so the boot people know I sent you.

Thursdayboots.com/slash town.

Put some boots on your ugly fucking feet.

Put some pieces of shit on your bitch.

You know what I'm going to do?

What's that?

Psycho Man.

The Million Man March?

It's clear that Chelsea Clinton's been doing this Twitter thing because she has comms people, and they're like, we need to get you out there because you're going to be running for shit.

That's career.

No, no, no.

They want to groom her for office.

Well, 2020 is going to be like

a whole world.

She's not running for 2020, but she might run for New York Cent.

It's going to be funny when the first black woman president is a Republican.

Yeah, it will be.

Condoleezza.

Probably.

Kamala Harris fucking clearly has hired whoever the fuck Hillary

trying to make her seem cool.

She has.

She's on the breakfast club talking about she smoked weed and used to listen to Tuponk and Snoopy.

I'm just chilling in Cedar Rapids.

Fucking loser.

Well, this is what I'm talking about.

I'm just here chilling in Cedar Rapids.

Whenever.

It's me, Hillary Clinton, here on

Chat Snap,

just chilling with the culture.

It's me showing a pussy pic for Vine.

All right.

So, whenever

popping my pussy for everybody, cap my pussy here on pussy cap.

It's me, Hillary Clinton, on Chatterbait.

Here we go.

Let's get those tokens going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got the vibrating thing in my asshole right now.

My love inces going off here.

Every token makes a Bernie bro mad.

I will be doing doing private selling tickets to private.

And then it comes out that Saudi Arabia has been paying for private cum shows.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

It turns out that all of her private come shows, if you look up the IP addresses, they're in Riyadh.

They're all going right to that.

Did you see that thing that the Mueller investigation is uncovered, that Israel influenced the election and got Trump elected?

I thought that people said that

200 investigation hasn't found anything.

It's 100% true.

There's no way to deny it.

That wouldn't surprise me.

There's no way to deny it.

It wouldn't surprise me.

If I had to guess, Nick has seen that even one thing that says that.

They invited me in this.

And it's not completely making it up.

I was shared with a private Google document, which you know are impossible to forge.

All right.

I'm going to make my announcement.

Announce, please.

When Chelsea Clinton announces that she's running for office, I don't care if it's fucking goddamn shows her.

They're like, the view was great, but now there's like the spiz, and it's like four women with eating problems.

Well, that's a couple of these.

That's Jordan Sparks.

I remember her.

That's Alex Gurnicelli.

She's a celebrity chef.

And this is also a chef.

Oh, yeah, she's on chopped.

Yeah, Alex.

She sucks.

She's the worst one on chopped.

She's trash.

She's trash.

The hot blonde one is sometimes on beat by.

Four women that look like the fat mannequins at Target can complain about something on Twitter.

Two of them could get it.

Her and the blonde one.

All I'm saying is.

You're not allowed to go against me here.

I am going.

Actually, you know what?

L of them, but I'm going to go.

I am going.

Go ahead.

I'm going to run against her.

Fat women.

I'm going to run against her.

Fat women can get it.

Fuck her.

Society never said that fat women were unfuckable.

We just said that they're fat and no one wants to date them.

No, and they can't live with that.

I think they're hot and beautiful.

Yeah, but you don't want to date anybody.

This is all bullshit.

I do.

I'm starting a new leaf.

I'm going to stop being a slut.

Yeah.

I'm going to be in a committed relationship.

We'll see about that.

Yeah, look at those guys.

Come on.

Hey, what the fuck?

I'm going to run against Chelsea Clinton.

With chocolate.

You're going to run against Chelsea Clinton.

What do you have to do to run?

You have to sign some papers or something?

Dude, honestly, I can't.

How do I get on the stage in a debate?

I cannot wait.

I'm going to be your campaign manager.

Dude, I told you.

I said it at the live show, but I'm voting for Pitbull.

I don't care whether he runs or not.

I'm putting Pitbull down.

I want Pitbull to be president.

That's awesome.

He's Cuban-American, so he's Mexican, but he's still white.

He checks both bodies.

He's an excellent entertainer.

And probably from Florida, Swing State.

It's Florida, Swing State.

He's got a good relationship with Michael Swift House.

Yep, he surfaced pro commercials, I believe.

He can't stop making hits.

He's addicted to making hits.

Did you know Kesha?

Or that's a Flowrider song, actually.

What?

She sang that.

She sang that Apple Bottom Jeans.

You bring my hair.

Maybe Apple Battle Jeans.

Kesha sang a Flowriter hook on one of Flowrider songs.

And she didn't get any credit.

She was uncredited because they didn't want it to fuck her.

Look at his weird posturing here.

I know.

What is he doing?

He just puts it on the side.

Dr.

Hoop on one thing.

The amount of equipment that is required for Dr.

Yaz to come has to be incredible.

I would love this if

there was a man that gets to interrupt the view constantly.

You'd want to be that guy?

Well, he just comes out and he says things and interrupts the show.

Well, I don't know about that.

Ah, you girls are fucking cute.

Yeah,

no, to be honest with you, that's a pretty fucking stupid take.

Barbara, you kind of sound like a dumb.

No, look, hey, I don't want to.

Look, hey, it's your show.

I'm just saying, you're a fucking idiot.

Not really the view.

I like the view.

The views somewhat.

You legitimately do like it.

Yeah, it's a pretty good show.

The conversation on the view isn't entirely one-sided.

They disagree with each other, and like, it's not like,

obviously it's not like the fucking pinnacle of like critical analysis, but like they do have a conversation that seems to be going somewhere.

Right.

It's not four like hens just agreeing with each other, which that shows the reality.

And they're hot, dude.

They're fucking hot, too.

Joy Behar?

The real is literally, they just repeat the dumbest takes from Twitter

and then agree with each other.

And there's also one with Sharon Osborne.

Is there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Oz.

Who's not with Ozzie anymore.

Why?

I think they broke up, dude, which is honestly the saddest day of all time.

That is sad.

Can you bring me my phone?

Where is it?

Well, whatever.

You just sit down for it.

When Legends die.

This article about

Dasha and Anna and the cut is pretty funny.

Is there a new article?

I think they're pretty embarrassed by it, honestly.

There's a new article.

The article itself is very funny.

There's a modeling thing?

The modeling thing, but it's like the fact that they got this journalist to convey the humor of what they're saying in the interview.

Yeah.

Because

this could have easily have backfired.

I wouldn't have talked to this woman.

I don't think they talk.

I think that woman just listened to the podcast and then

just ripped quotes from the pod.

Well, I was surprised reading it because

the humor does come through.

It does translate correctly.

They were getting dragged for being pro-anorexia.

It's like clearly satirical.

Yeah, it's their joke.

I mean, but even like, and I'm not, I can look at it through a lens of like, I don't know what this show is or who these people are, but how you could read this and not get the joke, especially like this line.

It's like, it's so nice to be in the same room as Susan Sarandon and her politics.

I would say in her pair of tits.

Yeah.

Both were grateful to be in the same room as Susan Sarandon and her politics.

Cassian had a slightly different experience in Necrosova.

When asked how she felt about modeling, she said, completely deadpan, that the experience was both demeaning and demoralizing.

Then she laughed in her signature dry tone and said, No, it was a lot of fun.

I mean, that's like

funny.

Did they?

I think it's funny.

Yeah, no, I mean, that's like a did it just come out?

It came out like last week.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

No, I mean, it's like the humor

transcribes here.

Yeah.

I think that there's like a quote from Dasha that's all right where she's like, I just want to be a model where I'm like starving.

That was a little over top, but the way it closes, like, this is it's like a very funny article.

I mean, it's like, I would be worried that they just wouldn't, like, they wouldn't be able to.

Oh, Dasha read it when she was like, I think that Saudi Arabia was right and we should kill all journalists.

Yeah.

No, I mean,

I don't know how you could read this and not have it read as a joke.

Probably because anytime they get pressed for anything, there's like a thousand, like,

there's a thousand, like, people in there.

Jealous ass haters.

People that are are like, buy my nudes for $5.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't fucking.

In fact, the only part of it that doesn't read as funny is where Kachin agreed and said, I'm with you, Dasha.

I think it's only a matter of time before fashion people take note of us.

You look like a Russian schoolgirl, and I look like a Chechen urchin who sells MDMA by the subway tracks.

And the only reason that part's not funny is because it's like, you know, strict joke writing.

I thought it was funny.

Yeah, but you're stupid.

No.

You're a very stupid person.

Chechen urchin that

You don't understand nuance.

Whatever, bitch.

This is why you.

This is why.

Whatever, bitch.

Ours is not that fucking funny.

Just fucking finish.

This is why you'll never be in a writer's room.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm a performer, baby.

I know you are.

Put that beautiful face on the fucking screen.

But

you print money again, and they can't put them on any of the bills.

It has to be coins because the bills aren't round enough.

I'm like, guys, you can just put a round thing on a bill.

No, sorry.

We've tried.

It It doesn't work.

It doesn't work with you.

When you draw a circle,

somehow you're rounder than a circle.

Oh, here, this is a commercial with Phil Mickels.

But someone told me recently that he likes watching guys fuck his wife.

Nuh.

Yeah.

He looks like that, honestly.

That's actually not surprising at all.

What percentage of guys?

100%.

Who likes watching their wife do anything?

Yeah, I don't know.

Just go away.

Roger Stone.

Roger Stone loves seeing guys fuck his wife.

We covered that.

We did.

We covered that on our news program.

I mean, this one's been an all-new.

We talked about this just.

Turns out I'm gay.

God damn it.

Fuck.

Walter Cronkite tearfully taking his glasses down and being like, I'm Walter Crankite, and this is Master.

Ladies and gentlemen, the president is gay.

Thank you.

I forgot the actual quote.

Not a straight man.

Just received news from Dallas on the grassy knoll.

The president is gay.

The only thing we have to fear is not having gay sex.

Well, my dick.

Oh, what is that girl?

FDR.

What a name, huh?

FDR.

Can you imagine if it was FNR?

I could.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Franklin Nunez.

No, no, no.

Roosevelt?

All three of the bad ones.

Oh, yeah.

And he was.

He was such a good.

He was such a good candidate.

They're like, let's rebrand him just as the initials.

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus Christ, who named this guy?

That's his name?

Yeah.

And then people people saying the whole name, but emphasizing the middle one like they do who's.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah, yeah.

That's who you want to be, president.

Naboo!

Reboo!

That one's good for me.

And he's in a wheelchair.

He's disabled.

And I guess he was the most progressive president.

Yep.

Yeah, dude.

Well, the New Deal.

The New Deal.

Didn't they say he stole a bunch of shit from like a woman and a black guy or something?

Yeah, it was all a black woman's idea.

And he was like, What's the matter?

No, the secretary, or the secretary of like labor or some shit, wasn't that bitch like she had some

woman, though.

Francis, I think.

Francis Sinatra.

Yeah.

Francis Ha.

Ha!

Francis Ha.

Yo, that movie hilarious.

Francis Ha.

Ha!

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Yin Yang Twins Reboot.

Yeah.

Francis.

Or is that yeah, that's yin yang.

Yeah, yeah.

Are they talking about how you make chocolate?

Cocoa powder and cocoa butter.

Antioxidants and moofahs.

Meals.

I fucked uh fuck.

Muffas.

Muffas.

Damn.

Yeah, I love eating chocolate.

Me too, honestly.

Mm-hmm.

For real, no lie.

I love that shit.

Yeah.

I had chocolate with my breakfast today.

Did you?

I felt like I was on a little Valentine's Day with myself.

I got a mocha at a cafe.

It was a little bar of chocolate sitting on top of the cup.

Ooh.

And I ate it.

And I didn't realize I was supposed to put that in a coffee.

Yeah, I let it melt.

Oh, that was the mocha.

That was the mocha.

Bullshit.

I thought it was bony.

That's fucking bullshit.

I thought it was bones.

No,

you got fucking hosed on that.

Oh, sometimes you have to fucking.

That is fucked up, bro.

Stop.

I don't know what

to do.

We go back and it was like, it's a week and a half later.

I just bring Stav with me.

Sitting there holding my backpack between my legs and then he yells at them like my dad would do while drunk.

The fuck is this?

Oh, I love this.

These women are just dipping strawberries in chocolate.

Hell yeah.

You really truly did get fucked on that one, brother.

Suck cocklets.

It's actually healthy for you.

Yeah, yeah.

It's got antioxidants.

Dr.

Ross says it's healthy.

Damn, I want some chocolate-covered strawberries.

Yeah.

Well, you get it.

Get them for Valentine's Day.

Yeah, are you going to have a pretend girlfriend for Valentine's Day, Steve?

Maybe I'll have a real one.

Who knows, man?

Are you doing Valentine's tomorrow, Steve?

Perhaps I am.

I am.

What are you going to do?

Wait, there's a

there's a Dasha subreddit?

Just Dasha?

R slash Dasha.

Wow.

Nice.

You're the king of Reddit, bro.

They better respect my queen.

I'm not the king of Reddit.

I'm just a regular poster, man.

Put your shoes on one at a time.

I'm just trying to get back in,

you know?

Round four.

That episode of 30 Rock where Alex Baldwin takes a job at the mailroom.

That's basically what you're doing right now.

No, this isn't some mailroom shit, dude.

I'm just getting, I'm back to the community.

Oh, I see.

Give it back.

That's why I'm talking about the mail room.

Just the fellas.

Oh, just the fellow.

The M-A-L-E room.

That's where I go to have gay sex.

A jail room, a gale room.

So a bunch of women named Gail.

They're like, oh, my pussy doesn't work anymore.

Josie is beautiful.

I am a member.

My pussy doesn't work.

Just squirting a whole bottle of lube into their pussy and it keeps sucking all of it.

Yeah.

Not working at all.

Damn, look at this guy.

Oh, this guy rules.

That's just, that's Norman if he never got married.

God damn.

If that was hair, that'd be me.

If I had hair, that'd be me, dude.

Yeah.

This is me.

Yeah.

This bully, yeah.

What is that?

A wear the wild things on?

Pomegranate juice.

You fuck with that shit?

Yeah, but apparently that's it.

Just ago they said you need it, and I think there was a lot of stuff.

Nah, but palm is the bullshit.

You got to go to a health food store and get the good shit.

Same with tart cherry juice.

It can't be concentrate.

That's the health tip of the fucking week, everybody.

Go off.

Thank you.

I will go off.

By the way, if you're in Hartford, Connecticut this Saturday, please come see me.

Do stand up at the Elbow Room at 7 p.m.

And next Friday in Delaware, I will be there with Ian Fidance.

I don't know what those dates are because I don't have my phone in front of me.

But I'm going to guess it's like the 15th.

Valentine's Day is what, a Thursday?

Something like that.

I think it's tomorrow, dude.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

It's tomorrow.

So the 15th and Friday.

16th, I'm in motherfucking Hartford.

And then, fuck.

I hate math, dude.

What's the 22nd?

I'm in Delaware with Ian Fidance.

So please come out to see those.

And then we have to start plugging this.

We're going to be in motherfucking DC on the 31st of March.

Doubling up.

The boys will be there.

We're doing a live podcast and a stand-up show.

Come to both.

Our dicks are getting very stiff.

Can't wait to come back to D.C.

back to the Black Cat.

Oh, fuck.

I got to call Sean Joyce back.

Shout out to the Underground Comedy Festival.

We're in that bitch

doing a nice big show.

Two big shows.

I'm fucking hungry, dude.

I can't wait to eat the rest of my fucking sandwich.

Got a salsolito with pepper jackets.

Stop, tell us about your

night last night.

My sleep apnea test.

They strapped your boy up like Bane, dude.

I had wires going all over my shit.

They glued shit to my head.

They were fucking measuring my eye movements, my breathing patterns,

different electrodes and shit.

They had shit on my rest.

If you find out you have sleep apnea, you have to sleep with one of those bane masks.

I get a bane mask and I have to be less fat.

Which is a plan of mine in general.

I want to be as fat as I can be without any health problems.

So, like, I don't know, 100 pounds less than I am.

Did you beat off in the sleep study room?

No, they have a camera there.

I thought.

But what if you told them that you have a routine?

Yeah.

And you can't fall asleep

unless you beat off.

I did jack off in the shower before I got there.

At home.

At home.

Yeah.

Did you do that in the shower?

It was just a kind of...

American Beauty Guy?

It was kind of a time crunch.

I should rewatch that movie.

It's a great movie.

It's not a great movie, but if I might try to do weed and then watch it and then recapitulate it.

I think it's a great movie.

Because I'll tell you this.

I used to beat off to that movie.

To the flower.

No.

To the window.

Rose Petals.

No.

You see your titties in the window?

You see Thor Birch's titties in the window.

Thora Birch was a fucking 10 in that movie.

Dude, her.

Oh, my God, dude.

I have never seen American Beauty.

Dude.

Don't.

Dude, this is just...

Dog.

Who's Thora Birch?

It may have already happened, but this is slowly going to just transition into a podcast where we're middle-aged guys that can only talk about what we've masturbated to in the past.

That's zero jokes.

That's a tenant.

That's a core tenant of the show.

Completely out of touch with, like, I have no idea what's going on.

Yep.

No insight into anything.

You can describe it to me, and all I can say is, damn, that's wild.

Yeah.

Fuck.

We're just going to talk about what we masturbate

to and make threats against members of the.

That sounds awesome to me, bro.

First family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways,

yeah, no, Thora Birch in that movie is stacked.

She looks good.

We've done, you know what?

I'd be like, wait, is she the one that's underage in the movie?

I doubt she's underage.

They didn't show fucking those huge.

Look, I don't care.

I really don't care.

That's where it's at the point where it's like, who cares?

Damn, look at that pizza.

Because those are not a child's tits.

Your Honor, those were not a child's tits.

Sustained.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me see.

Coming out of the the courthouse, everybody's cheering.

Look at this.

Oh, good God.

Damn, those are some beautiful milky whites.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways, yeah, that.

Wham!

Wham.

On VHS.

Baby needs the feeding.

Just like just a massive pair.

Yeah.

So.

Beautiful, heavy looking, too.

And in a good way.

All the weight is proportionate.

Distributed very nicely.

Yeah.

They teardrop just a pinch, but not a weird amount.

Yeah.

Salute.

What's her name?

The other bitch in that movie wasn't really that hot.

Who?

The black girl.

The seductress.

Is that Elijah Cuthbert?

No.

I don't remember.

Adam, come on.

You know this.

Elijah Douche too.

Fuck.

Claire Danes.

What are you looking at on your phone?

I'm trying to look up who the other girl was.

Are you?

Yeah.

Claire.

Claire to get health insurance.

Yeah, dude.

You should sign up for the one I got.

Which one is that?

Did you just get health first?

Yeah, guys.

Health first with uh, but it comes with eye and dental.

Ooh, I need that.

My teeth are in a lot of pain.

I need to get my wisdom teeth out, dog.

I got your wisdom teeth out.

I only got them on the top.

Let's go with you and make a cute video of you saying things.

I hate that shit.

Like David After Dentist?

Why do you hate that shit?

Because you're constantly getting surgery.

Yeah.

And being recorded saying dumb shit.

Yeah, exactly.

I've said every slur after anesthesia.

Yeah.

My roommate, Eldis, has

just so much fucking blackmail on it.

Oh, yeah.

I remember when I came out.

It's Mina Suvari.

Mina Suvi.

Mina Suvari.

Oh, the other girl over Mina Suvari.

Oh, damn.

Mina Suvari is a hot dude, dude.

Dora Birch with those big fat tetonas.

Yeah,

come on, dude.

Let me get a fucking suckle.

Fucking.

Yeah, I know the word for tits in almost every language because of porn hub comments.

Anyways, in Greek it's visia, which is really funny.

Vizia?

Vizia.

Visadis, if they're really big.

What the fuck?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, shit.

No, it's gone.

Damn it, man.

Did you used to wish you were like the video kid in American Beauty?

Because he was kind of autistic.

We should do Twitch streaming of Jeopardy.

Yeah.

Just for the amount of times where I know the answer and I can't make my mouth work.

And I'm like,

yeah, fuck.

I love General Warren.

Which happens all the time.

So, come on.

Did you see this?

It's Gucci's shoes.

The Gucci, the Blackface turtleneck.

Damn, imagine that, but it's her tits instead of the shoulders.

Sounds pretty good.

Katie Perry.

Perry made blackface shoes.

Yeah, she made blackface shoes.

Wow.

She made them in different colors, though, you know.

Yeah.

Is that the brat?

I feel like most of network television now is just tattling on white people.

It's like nine shows in a row where they're like, white people did something bad.

Gucci really fucked up because black people love it.

Do they?

They love.

I mean, there's a rapper named after their brother.

I didn't watch network television in all of, like, 2015 and 2016.

Yeah.

But, like,

I don't, because it's weird to see it so closely track with social media.

Because I was under the impression that a lot of the stuff on social media has no bearing on, like, what

most regular people are consuming.

Because it's like,

it's a show where somebody will scold, you know, yeah, like Esquire for having that cover and repeat woke talk.

Like, they literally said on the show that it proves that Esquire isn't woke, and they didn't describe that term.

Wait,

what was the gripe?

They thought that Esquire should have talked about a kid

that likes Trump?

Yes, that it's like they were like, can you imagine if we had magazines that had a profile of Trayvon instead, and then everyone clapped, and it's like, they did, like, every

time, what are you talking about?

I mean, like, the.

I mean, it's not even worth arguing because it's like.

It's a really stupid argument.

Well, it's stupid, but it's also like

you're just operating on like such a level of delusion

and like you know

there's no entry point, you know, it's like everything you're saying is wrong.

But I thought that these conversations only happened on Twitter.

I was like surprised to see it on like the morning news.

You know what I mean?

Maybe, yeah, I do think that like, yeah, sure, Twitter does like amplify the fringe and like the most annoying people, but it does like leak into

the general discourse.

And you can track it.

I remember in 2016, it's like, you know, everyone here thinks, like, oh, yeah, there's no way Trump is winning.

This is silly.

And then

I went upstate, and then as soon as you get out of the city, you're like, oh, clearly Trump's going to win the election.

You know, like

this town, which there's a million of, has no, like,

it's indiscernible from what I see on social media.

Oh, yeah.

And like how people think that the world should work on social media.

And it's like, was network television that way in 2016?

Uh-huh.

But aren't you describing two different things?

You're describing, like, woke versus, like,

Trump people.

No, I'm describing, like, or I'm trying to understand what the difference is, if there's any, between,

like,

like, cultural observations on network television during the daytime versus what's happening on social media.

Is it like this huge?

Because like this, this show will go to break, and it'll be commercial for like personal injury law firms and oxygen tanks and like hearing aids.

And that like button you press if you fall in like a business.

This is all

for people over the age of like 55, 60 years old.

But maybe, isn't that, maybe that's why fucking

Fox people, like old people are watching so much Fox News.

Yeah, but they always have.

But this is not Fox News.

This is like

daytime TV.

But there's probably others.

I mean, yeah, I guess you're right.

I don't think.

Like, Good Morning America used to be all like makeovers and then a story about a cat that got stuck in

a sewer.

It's like never

survive.

Yeah, there's a retarded kid that wants to play football, so we brought him on TV to hand him one.

Right, right.

You know, I mean, it wasn't like...

Damn, what's up?

I think his titties are looking right.

They do look good.

Once again.

again.

Yeah, but they always had like a news, they had like a news guy come on Good Morning America and say like, these are the headlines and then go off.

It was like five minutes long.

No, they would think about things.

On Good Morning America?

Yeah.

But I mean, it's like they feel like they paid less attention to 9-11 than they do, like, you know, some kid wore a fucking MAGA hat to his high school.

I think they paid more attention to 9-11.

No, they didn't.

I was watching.

Damn, another really good.

Nikki looking great.

Yeah.

Minaj.

She's really out there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

she's basically naked.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Wait, is this the Ricky Smiley show?

No, this is Dish Nation.

Dish Nation.

Interesting.

Bitch, Bish Nation.

Bitch Nation.

And it is where you live.

It is where you live, is the Dish Nation.

Oh my God, Molestios.

That's him.

A lot of people have taken it upon themselves to try and draw or depict the San Frangelico guy.

Yeah, what is

that?

Anywhere close?

No.

No.

Not what's going on in the head.

No.

It's close.

Somewhere.

You know what?

It is a little bit more.

Ballparks.

I'd say it's kind of like

a thinner guy with his hair combed back.

Combs his hair all the time.

Of course.

A little salt and pepper, but frail.

You know?

Definitely frail.

Like a shitty button-up shirt from like.

His clothing maybe is a little too baggy.

Not crazy, but a little.

Kohl's.

Yeah.

He's wearing all Kohl's.

I was going to say, Kohl's, pretty good.

Yeah.

Slacks up to his fucking waist pluted.

Oh, yes, yes.

Of course.

His long ball.

Hands in his pockets are like Velcro wallet with the bus pass and the visible surface in the front.

Yeah.

That kind of stuff.

I love it.

Yeah.

Not a full-on Italian guy.

No, absolutely.

No,

that's not even Italian.

That's part of the point.

The point is that he's not

that he's from Fairfax, Virginia.

Well, what else is in the news, folks?

I don't know, dude.

I'm fucking.

Adam's off the grid, dude.

I'm hiding out from the Clinton.

What are you looking at, more tids?

Yeah, just on my phone.

Just on my phone over here.

Ah, fuck.

Mira Sorvino was the Rose Petals girl.

Wait, how many?

And then Thora Birch was the goth.

Thora Birch, truly big-ass titties.

Well, it's just, I, I, you know, I don't know, it's, it's weird watching this because it's like

the best you can do in our position, I guess, living in Brooklyn with a fake job,

you know, is like

try to

just like minimize how completely out of touch you are.

Because there's no way, you know, I have like, no, I have no idea.

I don't know, you know, what people are thinking or what they're exposed to.

And, I mean, I just assumed it was the opposite of what's happening on social media.

Yeah.

But then I watched this, and it's like.

I guess you're wrong, bro.

Am I, though?

I don't know.

I mean, who's watching that?

I don't understand.

Like, it's shows that seem like the tonality is it's for fucking like a 22-year-old.

And then all the advertising is for like the old people that don't even know like what any of these things are.

Yeah, who

have a discussion about how Esquire isn't woke and then not even explain what that word means.

And it's playing at 1 p.m.

Yeah on a Wednesday.

Were you hit by a truck driver?

Yeah, yeah.

Seleno and Barnes.

Yeah, talking about Nicki Minaj.

Do you need your fucking hearing aids delivered directly to your house because your knees are fake?

I don't know.

Maybe old people like pumpkins.

We've talked about this.

We've talked about this before, but I miss the like being homesick from school TV lineup, watching Springer

and Ricky Lake.

And then watching Around the Horn.

Oh, of course.

And PTI.

Maybe catch that around the horn.

Maybe catch the replay on ESPN2 as well.

Yeah.

You know, just watch it twice.

Watch it twice.

I need more Woody Page.

I just remember the movies they would play.

You know what I watched again last night?

It's Bloodsport.

Nice.

I watched Arachnophobia and Bloodsport.

I had like a network TV edited for TV.

Oh, you watched it on network TV?

No, I watched it on Apple TV, but like that, those were the two.

Right, right, right.

Arachnophobia, Christine, Bloodsport, Into the Mouth of Madness.

I've only seen Bloodsport.

What else would they play?

What else?

Into the Mouth of Madness.

What's that about getting your dick sucked by a crazy bitch?

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying?

That's going to do it.

That's going to do it.

That's it, folks.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening.

Come see me this weekend in Connecticut, next weekend in Delaware.

Come see us all in DC on the 31st.

Goodbye.

Oh, I got some stuff.

What?

I'll say it when it's booked.

Okay, sounds good.

Bye.

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