Ep. 138 – Cool Adam

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Speaker 2 Which we're doing the. Wow.
Do you want to do that Frasier song?

Speaker 2 Adam ruined it. He did.
I didn't ruin it. I had an awesome riff, and then Adam didn't talk, so the fucking mic wasn't on.
Bitch, I can hear you, Penis, calling. My dick's small, and I am gay.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking gay. I'm having gay shit.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking gay. I'm gay, everybody.
I'm gay, everybody.

Speaker 2 Welcome, everyone.

Speaker 2 We're doing podcasts. We're doing like a retarded guy who's in trouble.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 I did something gay again. I did a gay thing.
I did the gay thing again.

Speaker 2 Like his shit is pissed. Oh, boy, I did something gay again.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so you know, that's the kind of stuff you have to look forward to. Over the next hour.

Speaker 2 I tell you what, guys, this is, I didn't even think about it.

Speaker 2 The zipper came off my fucking parka. Oh, my gosh.
North Face, so it's got a lifetime wire. Yeah, you can send it back.

Speaker 2 I'd send it back, but then now I just don't have a fucking winter jacket for like two weeks. It takes them a long time, yeah.
Those fucking pricks. I know.
I should have thought of it.

Speaker 2 It's the heat of the fucking winter. It's the heat of the winter.
It's the heat of it. That is the perfect way to describe winter.
It is the heat of it, bitch.

Speaker 2 And you know what I mean, both of you assholes. The heat of the winter.

Speaker 2 It is the heat. The heat of my winter.

Speaker 2 You don't even say the heat of the summer. You could say the height.

Speaker 2 No, it's the heat of it, bitch. It's the heat of the night.
The heat of the night. Yeah, exactly.
You wouldn't even say, you wouldn't even. If you said,

Speaker 2 oh boy, it's the heat of the summer, you'd sound like a retard. Yeah, well, a heat of the winter, I would argue, makes more sense.
No, it doesn't. Because it's more of a beautiful metaphor.

Speaker 2 Of course you would argue that. Than heat of the summer, which is too literal.
But I guess a couple dumb fucks like you don't understand poetry.

Speaker 2 The meat of the bone. The meat of my people,

Speaker 2 the meat of the bone is.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 What is it? I gotta get a stopwatch going here. So it's a little bit more.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I thought it was a good idea. That's a pretty good Star Wars song.
Really good.

Speaker 2 Fuck me and my ass.

Speaker 2 Please fuck me me in my ass. I am gay.
But do not tell my parents. I am gay.

Speaker 2 Don't tell my dad. Don't tell my dad.
Luke, your father abandoned you because he thought you would turn out gay.

Speaker 2 That's why you were raised by your aunt and uncle.

Speaker 2 Were they trying to hide Luke? Then why the fuck did they put him with the sky? They sent him to his Jewish uncle in Arizona.

Speaker 2 Lucas?

Speaker 2 Luke. Lucas, how is Hebrew school?

Speaker 2 One day you'll find out that you're not actually Jewish, but very powerful.

Speaker 2 That's enough hanging out with these fucking Jews.

Speaker 2 You have a secret power to not be a weak nerd.

Speaker 2 I always knew I wasn't gay and Jewish. Is that true, Uncle Ben?

Speaker 2 My name's not actually Benjamin.

Speaker 2 Wait, he's Uncle Ben?

Speaker 2 No. Ben Kenobi.
No, Uncle Ben is Uncle Ben

Speaker 2 Spider-Man. It's Spider-Man.
What's his uncle's name? No, isn't it? Uncle.

Speaker 2 Ben Skywalker? Lars. It's Lars and the Lars.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, that's not his uncle. His name is Lars.

Speaker 2 Luke Skywalker's uncle is named Lordechai Skywalker.

Speaker 2 That's not Lars, dude. It's Lars and Jan, I think.
Jan Skywalker. Lars? Like Lars Ehrlich? Ehrlich? Let me look at it.
Because he called

Speaker 2 Obi-Wan Ben Kenobi. Yeah, everyone knows him as Ben Yeah.
Well, it's his uncle.

Speaker 2 No, it's not. Ben Kenobi is not his uncle.
You fucking dumbass. Obi-Wan Kenobi, he's raised to believe that Ben Kenobi is his uncle.
No, he's cool older.

Speaker 2 And Ben Kenobi's brother and sister are the ones who raised Luke Skywalker. No, no, no.
He just knows him as like a cool, older guy. Not at all.
You're wrong as hell. He lives in the desert.

Speaker 2 He's getting his dick sucked by the sand people.

Speaker 2 I can't believe you're making me fucking look this up. What are their names?

Speaker 2 Aunt May. No, that's Spider-Man 2.

Speaker 2 Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Did you guys see the cartoon Spider-Man? I want to see it.
I want to see it. I hear it's really good.
I'll see it. Drop a little bit of the Spider-Verse.

Speaker 2 He's raised on a moisture farm with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Barry. Owen.
Owen. So what's

Speaker 2 the moisture farm? They are Jewish. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're cultivating boisterous farms. Yeah, in the desert.
They're going in the desert. We're making the desert bloom.

Speaker 2 It's like, why did you get farmers? Well, then, who the fuck is Lars? No one is Lars, man.

Speaker 2 Owen Lars. That's his fucking last name.

Speaker 2 Why is his last name?

Speaker 2 Skywalker. I don't know.
Oh, I thought his name was Owen Skywalker. No, his name's Owen Lars.
So Luke thinks his name is Luke Lars? That's a stupid name. No, that's a cool name.

Speaker 2 That's a cool name, dude. He should have been a SoundCloud rapper.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Making business on a R2D2's brain.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm gay as shit and I live in the desert.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking gay. My life is gay.
I live in the desert.

Speaker 2 Bitch, don't talk to me that way. I guess it's just you like have a weird voice, you auto-tune it, and then you like beat and rape women.

Speaker 2 You become a good cell. No, but it's like you have to talk about how you're depressed.
Right, yeah. You have like take Xanax, severe bipolar disorder, be homophobic and beat your pregnant girl.

Speaker 2 Your cellmate.

Speaker 2 Fuck XXX suck dicksoxion.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's right. All right, hold on.
Take that, you dead coward.

Speaker 2 I just shit.

Speaker 2 I clicked on his name. XXX sucked anyway.
I clicked on his name just to see, and it's like a list of like, oh, here's some of the other fuckers in Star Wars.

Speaker 2 And the next name down on the list is Cut LaQuaine.

Speaker 2 He's black? That sounds like a trans

Speaker 2 drag queen. Disillusioned clone trooper who deserts the service to live a quiet life as a farmer.
Where's he at? I don't know. Where do we meet Cut at? He has a wife.
Yeah, he's Cuddy from

Speaker 2 the dead President. Some Cut.
Yeah. Some Cut.
How you doing? I just want to get off this desktop and get some pussy.

Speaker 2 Shit, can I get some pussy out of here on Tatooine?

Speaker 2 It's like, my dick can fuck my little ass. Tatooine, what's that like? It's like Halloween, but for tattoo to me.

Speaker 2 Ain't nobody trying to tattooing, man.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to get back to where I came from. You know what I was saying? We got to go back to Naboo, baby.

Speaker 2 I'm a Naboomi.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what's like the Africa of Star Wars? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Where Lando's from, Cloud City. Yeah, man.
You got to get back to Bespin. No, that's not Cloud City.

Speaker 2 Everybody got to go back to the home continent of Bespin.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, Lando's not. Lando's a black nerd.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Lando's like, I moved up here to Cloud City to talk about Sonic and Dragon Ball. Obama.
Han!

Speaker 2 Han, old buddy. Let's play Dragon Ball, whatever that

Speaker 2 fighting game that came out. Oh, yeah, that's the one.
There's him and then the black guy from the new one. He was a stormtrooper, though.
The only black stormtrooper. Samuel Lennox.

Speaker 2 His name's Zamuel? Yeah, I got it. That's pretty.
No, no, no. I'm just reading that.
No, that's Finn. Yeah, Finn.
Zamuel Lennox.

Speaker 2 No. Talisan Lintra.

Speaker 2 These are all

Speaker 2 transformations. These are the worst fake names I've ever heard.
Slow and low. I fucking hope that's a Chinese character.
It's the big-lipped fish. Yeah, yeah.
A pilot. Oh, he's

Speaker 2 slow and low.

Speaker 2 It's understood that that guy was Asian.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Sorot and Row.

Speaker 2 This is a new character I've created for the series. His name is Slope Flip Flop.

Speaker 2 And what he is, is

Speaker 2 he's a fish that also knows martial arts. Damn, George Lucas probably fucks so bad, dude.

Speaker 2 He fucks bad. Why? Because he's racist against Asians.
What are are you implying stop married to a black woman what are you implying i know he's probably all what are you implying

Speaker 2 i think you're what asking me that if i'm implying that racists are bad

Speaker 2 i'm not sure because i take offense to that

Speaker 2 just because i say the n-word constantly does not mean The two are unrelated. Possibly not true.
I never ask.

Speaker 2 I come and I leave immediately without getting feedback.

Speaker 2 I'm not doing an exit circle. I'd rather not.

Speaker 2 I think a gentleman never kisses and tells. And finds out.
A gentleman never kisses and listens.

Speaker 2 He's got my AirPods in as soon as I bust. I'm sorry.
I'm listening to Mark Barron.

Speaker 2 I'm listening to DJ Tiesco.

Speaker 2 Someone's on the

Speaker 2 face. Is that celebrity gossip that Leo DiCaprio

Speaker 2 gets the girl to sign an NDA, fucks doggy with headphones in, asks her to leave. I think that was an article floating around because I saw that as well.

Speaker 2 I can't believe this. Lobot.
L-O-B-S-C.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, it's a robot who's Chinese.

Speaker 2 Unrelated to actual Chinese people, or for any reason. There's a planet called China in the series.

Speaker 2 So before anyone accuses my beloved series of racism,

Speaker 2 Fucking Lobot.

Speaker 2 It's like Lomain, dude. Yeah.
Tasso Leech.

Speaker 2 That's got to be the Jewish one. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Well. Yeah.
What do you think he means, Adam? Like a leech? Like you leech.

Speaker 2 Baru Whiteson.

Speaker 2 Ooh. Owen got himself some squaw pussy.
What's that? I don't know. His wife's middle name is Whiteson.
Hmm. Nice.

Speaker 2 Owen. Aunt and surrogate, parent to Luke Skywalker.
White Sun. She and her husband, Owen, are killed by stormtroopers at their home on Tatooine.
Damn.

Speaker 2 So who are they?

Speaker 2 They're Leia's brother and sister?

Speaker 2 Leia and Luke are brother and sister. But they're not.
And then Leia is raised by the guy from NYPD Blue. You feel like they're not.
No, they're

Speaker 2 Princess Amidala's cousins. Nah, because she's a fucking princess.
Who the fuck, who the fuck is that? He gets to just be a princess in a different planet. And Luke, I thought, I don't fucking know.

Speaker 2 I think it's just his uncle or some shit. Anakin's brother.
No, no, Anakin's an orphan. Yeah, you're right.
I don't know who the fuck Lars is.

Speaker 2 Owen Lars.

Speaker 2 This podcast does suck.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and whose fault is that? It's mine. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I'm coming in and I'm not.
maybe it's just a random, maybe just a random guy. No.

Speaker 2 No, but then how could they trust him, dude? He's got to be in the family. La Familia.
La Familia.

Speaker 2 Maybe they just paid him or some shit. No, it doesn't make damn.
Young Whiteson was.

Speaker 2 Was she a dye piece? No, never. Let me see.
Never. She's okay.
I'd smash. Oh, of course you'd smash.
It's a woman.

Speaker 2 No, that's not fair.

Speaker 2 I've turned down. It's a one woman in my life.

Speaker 2 Who? The fat girl with the pool?

Speaker 2 What's that? Oh, so that means yes.

Speaker 2 Oh, I forgot about her, but yes, also her.

Speaker 2 That is such a funny story.

Speaker 2 Oh, that poor woman. Can you imagine getting turned down by stop?

Speaker 2 Yes, I can. Yeah, you might as well just like wall up your pussy.
There's nothing wrong with you, ma'am. It's just there's a matter.
Like people have taste.

Speaker 2 Like a room in your Victorian house where your son died of typhoid. I just wasn't feeling sludge.
Just walled it up. We don't speak of that broom anymore.

Speaker 2 Seal your pussy.

Speaker 2 Never to be heard from again. Good industrial cock.

Speaker 2 They put a candle in each one of your holes, and there's one missing when you look at it from the outside.

Speaker 2 Look, there's nothing, you know, people have preferences. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Suck my dick. That's what.
That's what people tell me.

Speaker 2 You know? Listen, it's not you. I just have preferences.
I just don't. I would prefer not to fuck you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Suck my dick and fuck my ass. I'm gay.
Oh, it's just the hardest one? Damn.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. Obi-Wan

Speaker 2 can blow me. Nice.
Nice. Oh, oh,

Speaker 2 I still don't know. Sorry.
I'm getting hung up here because I don't know who Lars is. Who cares? So

Speaker 2 if you're out there in the Cometown universe, there are so many people listening to me. Don't DM me.
You want to DM Stob and let's

Speaker 2 go right in. Oh, shit.
I owe a fucking tax payment today, too. Oh, fuck.
I just didn't do my tax payments this year. Very smart move.
I'm just going to pay them all at once. Yeah, that's how it works.

Speaker 2 It is, dude. Yeah, just pay a small penalty.
The penalty is nothing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, that's what happened. Penalty is a couple hundred bucks.
You just have to pay a penalty.

Speaker 2 I heard all this from a friend of ours last year, and then they fucking got slammed with a huge

Speaker 2 huge penalty, yeah. What? Yeah.
No, it's, look, we're rich now. You don't, you can't, like,

Speaker 2 all that being like a scoff law with the fucking. No, the taxes are the one thing where it's like

Speaker 2 the IRS does not. You don't pay taxes.
That's the best part. Because they have an accountant that figures out how to use the rules so they don't pay taxes.
Alexandria. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 If you just blow off,

Speaker 2 if you just blow off your tax payments,

Speaker 2 they will fine you. She says billionaires have to pay, but we don't have to pay.
Because we're not part of that class. And they have to pay 70%.

Speaker 2 Well, whatever, dude. I'll pay today.
Fuck it. Yeah, pay your taxes.
I'm going to pay my taxes.

Speaker 2 I will pay my taxes because I'm a good citizen.

Speaker 2 I'm going to pay the taxes because I love the war. I love.
Yeah, I'm going to say, this goes only to drones. Just let this.

Speaker 2 My shit goes only to drones. Bombs.
Yep. That's right.
Brother Mean.

Speaker 2 God, I've been so sick. Dude, I was so sick, but then I was looking at pictures of the McDonald's that Trump was giving those football guys, and I wanted McDonald's

Speaker 2 so bad. Yeah.
I was literally throwing up, and I still wanted McDonald's. I like that that you could be sick for like a week and a half and it's impossible for you to lose.
Literally two days.

Speaker 2 You can't. You can't.
And I probably have lost 10 pounds. You have no way.
I probably weighed like 130 pounds. You already looked emaciated.

Speaker 2 I look terrible. You look exactly the same.
I look like the mechanism. I look like the mechanism.
You have not changed at all. I'm not naked right now.
You can't see I'm wearing a hoodie.

Speaker 2 You look exactly. Your face looks exactly the same.
Oh, don't body shame me. The two of you.
I'm just saying, man. You, you, one of you, body dysmorphia.
The other one should have bodies dysmorphia.

Speaker 2 I'm happy with myself.

Speaker 2 Well, okay. I love my body.
I have lost weight.

Speaker 2 I hate my body, but I should. You shouldn't hate your body.
You look fine. Yes.
Who the fuck wants to look fine? Nick should, and Stop should hate his name. No, I shouldn't.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck wants to look fine?

Speaker 2 Everyone should love their body. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to be a beautiful starlit. I got to start going.
I just signed up for help.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to have my close-up.

Speaker 2 You're trying to starve yourself. What? Who the fuck is Mr.
Devil? I eat way more than you do. Who is Mr.
Deville? I'm ready for my Devil.

Speaker 2 Cecil B. DeMille.
Yo, who the fuck is Mr. Deville? Yo, what's this reference I don't know and said wrong? I only remember from like Looney Tombs and shit where they were.
No,

Speaker 2 it's from that movie Sunset Boulevard, bitch.

Speaker 2 You know what Adam is with like tidbits? It's like, you know, when Judge Doom is going around that bar

Speaker 2 and Roger Rabbit and he's playing shaving a haircut on the wall? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, I'm ready for my close-up, Devil.

Speaker 2 I'm ready for my close-up. And then fucking Bob Hoskins, like, what the fuck is he doing? You turn around, and Adam's got steam coming out of his ears.

Speaker 2 He's like, bro, it's from the Stone Shadow Boulevard. A movie I've seen.
I've seen the movie. What happens in that movie? Some old bitch lives in the mansion.
What happens in the movie?

Speaker 2 She lives in the manchanche. What happens in the movie? She's like, not popping.

Speaker 2 I've seen the movie. She used to be a famous actress.
Oh, but she's a dried-up old little slut. She's a dried-up psycho, and then she's convinced she's gonna have her comeback.

Speaker 2 Some guy goes out into hiding in her, and she's played by Dorma Desmond.

Speaker 2 Is it? No, she's played by Gloria Swanson. I thought that would set you off.
Is that Gloria Swanson? You know, it is. No, I think it's someone else,

Speaker 2 Ron Swanson's mom, Ron Swanson's mom. Yeah, bacon.

Speaker 2 I'm ready for my bacon, Mr. I'm ready for my bacon.
My mother, my mother was an actress. I don't know if I can.

Speaker 2 I'm gay.

Speaker 2 There it is. That's good.
Do you gay Rod Swansea? My job in this.

Speaker 2 One thing I want to do is do things I love. I come into this office at 8 o'clock every morning.
I have gay sex. I shut the door.

Speaker 2 And then I look at gay pornography on the internet for 15 minutes. And then I go to work.

Speaker 2 I don't even know that. I've never seen a single episode of that show.
It's a good, it's a pretty good show. It seems like they're all having a lot of

Speaker 2 a specific guy. He's like a libertarian.
He hates big gut tickets. Oh, yeah, you should stay out of everything except my asshole.
Gloria Swanson.

Speaker 2 I want every bureaucrat to fuck my asshole. I want everyone to have bacon.
Yeah, I can't do that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, whatever. Does she ever, do you see that woman's titties in Sunset Boulevard, the movie, or whatever? Do you see her titties?

Speaker 2 What's it called? Sunset Park? Do we see her titties or something? It's called Sunset Boulevard. Sunset Boulevard.
Nice.

Speaker 2 Sandra Bullock Vard. How about that?

Speaker 2 Yeah. How about

Speaker 2 baby? Take that.

Speaker 2 It's a matchbox car track leading to her pussy. Yeah.
That's Sandra Boulevard. How about a parody of Speed where it's called Fuck?

Speaker 2 Sandra Bullock has to keep fucking or she blows up.

Speaker 2 She's got a bomb in her pussy.

Speaker 2 There's a bomb in her. Dennis Hopper put a bomb in my pussy.

Speaker 2 Pop quiz, hot chat.

Speaker 2 There's a bomb in the hostage's pussy. Fuck the hostage.

Speaker 2 Dude, Dennis Hopper, the older I get, the less cool he is. Yeah.
I used to think he was really cool when I was.

Speaker 2 Why do you have to blaspheme the hot man?

Speaker 2 I think he's real lame these days. Why?

Speaker 2 How about blasphemy?

Speaker 2 God sucks.

Speaker 2 God sucks.

Speaker 2 Hey, you guys ready to

Speaker 2 walk the line with God sucking? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Blaspheme Phoenix. Oh, wait.
I was thinking Phoenix. What's his face? River Phoenix.
River Phoenix. His brother, you mean? Is it his brother? His brother.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It is?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 River Brothers. Walk eat a river.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 River died partying with the red-hot chili pep. Didn't River die drowning in a river? No, he did heroin.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I'm thinking of Jeff Buckley. He drowned in a river.
He died at the Viper Room.

Speaker 2 Right? Didn't Jeff Buckley die in a river? River died in a river. That would be

Speaker 2 crazy, dude.

Speaker 2 And then it would be like a fun listicle. It's like people whose names predicted how they would die.

Speaker 2 And then it's like

Speaker 2 9-11 Johnson. Right.
I died in a dam.

Speaker 2 Raped to death Stephanie.

Speaker 2 So much gay sexist asshole collapsed. Mullen.

Speaker 2 Who's that guy? That's you. But my name is Nick.
His name is Nick. No, that's your nickname.
No, but that's my name. Is that your nickname? Hold on.
Take out your license, Nick.

Speaker 2 I don't have a license. Take out your license.
I've never had a license.

Speaker 2 Take it out. I drive a leader.
Oh, Adam, what does this license say? It says, take so much asshole. What is this?

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Take so much.
Great job. You can't even.
God damn it, Adam. Yeah.
I'm sick, guys. You should have let me do it.

Speaker 2 You got to explain me to do it. I know, but I thought you were playing like you didn't want to admit admit it.
And we're like, you know what? Let's get Adam involved with the film.

Speaker 2 Don't let him free in the beginning. I think a friend.

Speaker 2 It was a long thing. I forgot.
A better way to go would be that I didn't even know. Yeah.
And I'm finding out. That's what I thought you were going to do.
You were going to be showing.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. We find your birth certificate, dude.
God damn it. What? Your long form.

Speaker 2 Sorry, guys. Adam dropped.
Adam fumbled. I didn't fumble.

Speaker 2 Does this mean that my

Speaker 2 man who I thought was my father, wasn't it? They're like, no, that's your last name. Oh.

Speaker 2 No, it just means you're going to die having gay sex.

Speaker 2 Oh, I get, well, then this is probably fine.

Speaker 2 I'll be dead. I don't give a shit.
How's that?

Speaker 2 Honestly, being raped to death by guys probably is better than grease fire.

Speaker 2 That is true. You know, yeah, if you really think about it.
If it's a cool, like. If you ever spill some hot grease on your hand, it doesn't feel good.

Speaker 2 At least with the gay sex to death, maybe that prostate thing that I heard about.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm coming so hard.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you actually die of dehydration because all the cum leaves your body. Oh, that's cool.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to die. Yeah.
I feel fucking stoned.

Speaker 2 Do you want to see if maybe. Dude, that's so cool.
Yeah. I feel like I'm tripping.
Do you feel like you're doing drugs? It's me. Honestly, when you're throwing up everybody,

Speaker 2 you feel like you're.

Speaker 2 It's me, cool Adam. Guess who?

Speaker 2 It feels like they're tripping. Shut up, bro.
I love tripping. That's me, Cool Adam.
Yeah, Matty. Cool Adam, what's up, dude? Hey, what's up, everybody? You're like me, cool.
You sound cool, man.

Speaker 2 Dude, Adam's suck. Shut up, gay Adam.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 I had a tummy ache, and now I feel like I'm on dress. Oh, dude, cool Adam.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 Cool Adam is brought to you by BethTheSI.com.

Speaker 2 If you want to purchase one of our great characters, you can go to Bethesi.com.

Speaker 2 If you're calling me Cool or that guy, shut up, gay Adam.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm gay Adam and he's cool Adam. Head about it.

Speaker 2 Shut up, man.

Speaker 2 I had diarrhea all week, and now I feel cool.

Speaker 2 I'm a cool 130 pound. I'm on drugs, being cool.

Speaker 2 Betthysi.com is the premier sports betting website on today's internet. Oh, I love it.
This is in your grandpappy generation.

Speaker 2 This is the AOC generation. There were four internet.
We're clapping back. We're clapping back at our insurgentized sinso.

Speaker 2 Shuts out AOC.

Speaker 2 Internalized sensationalism. Toxic

Speaker 2 masculinity. You know,

Speaker 2 sometimes I just like to go into a place, you know, and I'm like, I'm like, how much is the chicken sandwich? And like, $13.95. I'm like, that's the most jingoistic thing I've ever heard.

Speaker 2 What is this? A jingoism? Yeah. A jingo station? Yep.
What is this? Jingoism. I'm I'm sorry.
Where did I just walk into? Jingo.com? Yeah, Jingo and Chains?

Speaker 2 What is Jingoism?

Speaker 2 Jingoism? Yeah, it's true. You think that the United States deserves to steal?

Speaker 2 We get to go take the biggest pants

Speaker 2 from any country. We deserve it.

Speaker 2 Isn't it just the racist and nationalist all rolled up in one? Jingoism. Yeah, well, that's what I mean.

Speaker 2 This is what's jingoist.

Speaker 2 I'm about to engage in a Jeremy ad against

Speaker 2 what? I don't know. That's another word I see that dickheads use.
I don't know that word, actually. I don't even know.

Speaker 2 It's one of those words I read and it's like, oh, there was no reason to use that word. Jeremyad?

Speaker 2 Jeremyad.

Speaker 2 Jeremyad. I don't even know how to fucking pronounce it.

Speaker 2 There's certain words that people can use where it's like, no one should look that up. People should just immediately stop listening to it.
Right. The second you use it, I'm out.
Right, exactly.

Speaker 2 There's no fucking point in, like, oh, you remembered that from your SAT prep?

Speaker 2 A long, mournful complaint or lamentation. Right, yeah.
That is fucking so stupid. Right.
If you use that shit, suck me on soft, bitch. Yeah, you don't even get to suck my hard dick.

Speaker 2 But here's the thing. I love getting sucked on soft.
You do? You do? Oh, the best. It hurts my feelings.
It hurts your feelings. I like it, actually.
I like it. Yeah.
No. It does make me feel real.

Speaker 2 There's nothing better than putting your completely limp dick in somebody else. We've talked about this before.
Especially when you just start. Your dick's going to get hard.

Speaker 2 The perspective of looking at your dick. You're down on your dick.

Speaker 2 Like, when anyone looks down at their dick,

Speaker 2 it looks zero inches long. Right? Yeah.
And then when you see it from the front. It's not perspective, dude.
It is. Just anyone.
This is what your dick looks. Your dick is just small.
No, come on.

Speaker 2 We've had a lot of people who are dying. Everyone who looks down at their dick can't even see it.
They need special eyewear to look down at their dick. No, it's like, you know what?

Speaker 2 No, this is something they discovered in the Renaissance. There's perspective.
This is

Speaker 2 a vanishing point. No, we've literally had this conversation off my

Speaker 2 and all agreed, and now you're doing a dragging right now. A coordinated dragging.
It's not a coordinated dragging.

Speaker 2 We planned this. What did you say? No, the two of you are dragging.
You're trying to escape yourself

Speaker 2 from our world of small dickery. No, when we were talking about it.
Just like now, you can pretend you're not short, B.

Speaker 2 You also have a little dick. We don't care.

Speaker 2 It's like when you look at your dick in the mirror versus when you look at your

Speaker 2 dick in the big funhouse mirror that you bought special. It looks like a different sky.

Speaker 2 No, you can't. Shut up.
Betgsi.com has 24-hour tech support.

Speaker 2 24-7 tech support. Anyways, what's your point? How does that make it worse? I'm just saying, if I look down at a girl sucking my soft dick.
Your tiny ass dick? I love that.

Speaker 2 And then you piss. And then you just start pissing me.
And you're laughing at how close they're. I feel like a baby.

Speaker 2 I'm changed. I'm generous.

Speaker 2 I feel like a baby.

Speaker 2 That's not what I'm saying. My diaper changed.

Speaker 2 Change my fucking diaper piece.

Speaker 2 I love it, dude.

Speaker 2 It feels great. I like it.
I like to feel good because I'm about to get hard. I like to start off on my best foot.
Put my best foot.

Speaker 2 I like getting my dick tickled to full stiffness. No.
That feels nice. No.
I would rather just see.

Speaker 2 Okay, never mind.

Speaker 2 You want to come out cock blazing? Yeah, I want to get out of here. That to me is an insecurity.
Of course it's an insecurity. That to me is an insecurity and a sign of

Speaker 2 low intimacy. Now I kind of want to get some fancy European diapers.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll get into fucking ABDL shit. Listen, it's not.

Speaker 2 There's nothing. Because that's the thing, man.
I don't think I've...

Speaker 2 Honestly, I haven't ever tried that.

Speaker 2 Being in a diaper? Maybe I should try acting like a baby.

Speaker 2 Adult baby shit? Mm-hmm. Nick, if you find that that's your true calling, it's going to be so annoying.
I don't know. He's not.

Speaker 2 I'd rather you want to kill yourself, honestly. I do know a lot about Deviant Art.
I do come from that world to an extent. We just come over here.
You're doing baby.

Speaker 2 I always pick the girl characters in Mario Party. I mean, there's like an indication that

Speaker 2 I play as baby Bowser pretty often. You play as Boo, dude.
We know that. You play as the Koopa.
I actually started playing as Koopa in the new one because he's got the best dice.

Speaker 2 Oh, you play it strategically, not to look like you. Yeah, of course, dude.
I'm a grown man. That's why I, that's why I couldn't.
God plays as the beaver.

Speaker 2 Dude, I don't play with Monty Mole anymore because his dice are too bad. I know.
Even though he looks just like

Speaker 2 I'm not a fucking child.

Speaker 2 When I play a game

Speaker 2 designed for when I play a star counting game

Speaker 2 in which at the end of the game, they expect you to not be able to count seven stars.

Speaker 2 And so there's a built-in element of suspense.

Speaker 2 Did we finish the read?

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 I didn't even start it. Bettheaside.com, yeah.
If you go there,

Speaker 2 you can bet on who would be the best at Mario Party. That's right.

Speaker 2 I'm one to know against. Sports are kind of, you know, it's funny.

Speaker 2 A lot of people think it's gay to not like sports. Well, I'll tell you something.
Football, nowhere near as complicated as Mario Party. Oh, nowhere.
Whereas the theft element of stars.

Speaker 2 You steal stars and coins. The players don't have different statistics.
They're all the same. Whereas in Mario Mario Kart

Speaker 2 they have different

Speaker 2 they have different dice

Speaker 2 that's true some of them are dragons some of them are babies enjoying their own sexuality

Speaker 2 getting their

Speaker 2 limp dick limp baby dick sucked on into the middle of the diaper games

Speaker 2 yeah these are all things you can do at Bet DSIT DSI if you're a baby that wants to get your little cock sucked on go to betdsi.com and slash come town or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, slash, no, I don't think that that's how it works. No, it's not.
No, you go to beddsi.com. They offer live in-game wagering,

Speaker 2 live

Speaker 2 something else.

Speaker 2 Customer support and stuff? Yeah, 24-7.

Speaker 2 24-7.

Speaker 2 And you get a bonus.

Speaker 2 Yes, but y'all try on a suck.

Speaker 2 Not a dick.

Speaker 2 Sucking on the dick, I am gay.

Speaker 2 Oh, you dink Bruno Mars? Yes, Bruno Mars.

Speaker 2 How about Homo Mars?

Speaker 2 How about Homo Mars?

Speaker 2 Yeah, check it out.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh. Yep.
Check it out. Bet the SI.

Speaker 2 If you want to look at some of our great characters like Homo Mars or Cool Adam, go to BettheSI.com. That's all I characterize.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.
It's a guy.

Speaker 2 Baddy T. It's Kool Add.

Speaker 2 Shut up. I love Kool-Ad.

Speaker 2 I am Kool-Ad. They got a great mobile app, easy to use from anywhere.
They offer live in-game wagering. You make plays throughout the entire game.

Speaker 2 And here's what we're going to be betting on this week, guys. Oh, yeah.
Going to take the Philadelphia Flyers over.

Speaker 2 This week, take bet against the Patriots.

Speaker 2 The Patriots killed the last week. Fuck the smart money's on the bus.
That's what we're betting on. So when you sign up, make sure to use promo code CUM120.
That's C-U-M-120. So they know we sent you.

Speaker 2 Have you ever heard that thing where kids would go, spell I cup? You go, I see you. You see you pee.
And you'd be like, what are you fucking gay? Yeah. To see someone peeing?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm going to bring that back, dude.

Speaker 2 That's like the Penn 15 era. Spell I like having gay kids.

Speaker 2 I-L-I-K-E.

Speaker 2 And he has to prove that.

Speaker 2 you sign up, you've got some options. You can just play and cash out, or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you play to the table.

Speaker 2 I love that. It has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.
Free. I love it.
Cash.

Speaker 2 Open your ass for free. Open your ass.
We're going to roll $100 bills into it. I am going to use a t-shirt cannon to blow cash into your ass.

Speaker 2 Now, let's give it up for David's bar mitzvah.

Speaker 2 Maybe I should. What if I become a DJ? A bar mitzvah DJ.
That'd be awesome. You should do it simultaneously.
That's the move. Secretly.
The podcast ends. I become a bar mitzvah DJ.
How funny it is.

Speaker 2 I was really passionate about being a bar mitzvah DJ, and then they found out about the podcast, and I'm losing bar mitzvah gigs. And I'm like, I just want to help these boys freak.

Speaker 2 Yeah, get their little June ups rubbed. Did you ever go to a bar mitzvah with the motivational dancers? The fucker motivational.
I've only been to Jewish.

Speaker 2 If people were like that level of rich, they'd hire like sexy adult women to like dance with all the little boys.

Speaker 2 That's like a half step from processing. What the fuck are motivated? Why are you calling them motivational dancers? What means whores? They like motivation.

Speaker 2 What do you mean they bought a lot of whores? No, they're motivational dancers. No, they give you like, hey, everybody, it's me.
Legal Adam.

Speaker 2 No, whatever. Listen, though.
So if you're going to be in the sports book,

Speaker 2 which is where we like to gamble,

Speaker 2 you want to use promo code COM120. That's C-U-M-120.
Up to $1,000, you're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which would turn $1,000 into $1,600 ass fucking dollars, bitch. Fuck you.
Suck my dick.

Speaker 2 To play with. So once again, that's betsi.com.
Come120. Let's start the phone.
My buddy, my buddy. Let's start the show.

Speaker 2 We're in, I'm pretty sure, the reverse mortgage. Cool Adam here, Matt Penn.

Speaker 2 Cool Adam.

Speaker 2 They got sexy girls for

Speaker 2 him. He was actually the first AD on the new Lars French stream.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, we actually do that again.

Speaker 2 My favorite is when he includes you in his name-dropping. Oh, yeah, we actually know that guy.
Oh, do we?

Speaker 2 Why don't I get included? I'm not name-dropping. I'm just saying that they hire these sexy girls and then they give you Mardi Gras beer.
Yeah, sexy girls. Sounds like a name-drop to me.

Speaker 2 It's not a name-dropping. Do you know sexy girls? I don't know any.

Speaker 2 I don't. Psyche.
I think that they would work for the teacher.

Speaker 2 I've only fucked absolute dogs.

Speaker 2 Just zeros.

Speaker 2 I have never fucked a hot woman in my life.

Speaker 2 No, sir. No, thanks.
I have only fucked zeros.

Speaker 2 One redeemable quality and uh-uh.

Speaker 2 Not nice eyelashes. Not nice.
Just

Speaker 2 broad shoulders. Broad shoulders, stubble everywhere.

Speaker 2 Square tits.

Speaker 2 Huge heavy, square tits. Awful, heavy, square tits.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one of those girls that's like, you know, because my boobs are so big and they're just awful. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sharp pubes. Yeah.
They kind of cut you.

Speaker 2 Growing all the way out to the sides of her legs. Yeah.
I love that. Me too.

Speaker 2 The motivational dances are horror, though. Anyway, so because women listen,

Speaker 2 all of your bodies are beautiful.

Speaker 2 The sex worker Jason. We're done body shaming women.
We're only body shaming Adam. Did you see that commercial for Gillette?

Speaker 2 What is that commercial? I was talking about it.

Speaker 2 Everyone knows that when you look down at your penis, the perspective makes it look zero inches. It does.
It looks way too low. Wow, with the new Gillette screen.

Speaker 2 It's a Gillette Zero.

Speaker 2 Promise is not to accidentally cut off your little cock. I'm just saying so small.

Speaker 2 He gets lost. It looks way bigger in the mirror versus when you're looking down at it.
I thought you were going to say, you know, your dick looks bigger when it's hard. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, that thing looks way bigger when a man is getting it hard.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's that new Gillette commercial, though. Where it's like, Gillette, we're not being toxic masculinity anymore.
Yeah, what did they say? What is it? It's like, it's like

Speaker 2 you see, like, don't harass women.

Speaker 2 Boys.

Speaker 2 Boys will be boys is wrong. Right.
Gillette, we're not going to do this anymore. Fuck Gillette, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Gillette can suck my jabal.

Speaker 2 And if I could shave my face, I would never use Gillette ever again. No.

Speaker 2 What kind of razors do you use? I use the one blade. What's it called? The Narellco.
I think it's Norelco, One Blade.

Speaker 2 All three of us use it, and we stand that pressure. It's crazy that it took so long to invent a razor.
You know, it's so funny. I just.

Speaker 2 This is not even an ass.

Speaker 2 The only convincing thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I convinced so many people to use that thing.

Speaker 2 He has the thing, and he's like, I convinced everyone. I convinced you.
You did. It sells it fucking self.

Speaker 2 It's like $20 on Amazon Prime. It'll be at your house, Prime now.
It'll be at your house in fucking three hours. You don't even have to leave the house.

Speaker 2 And if you

Speaker 2 sign up with promo code N-I-N-N-type,

Speaker 2 no promo code. In the tip notes.

Speaker 2 Type that in in the name when it asks for your address.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you'll get a special message from the delivery man in regards to the podcast. Can you tip a delivery guy for Prime Minister? You're supposed to.
You're supposed to. Yeah, but can you?

Speaker 2 Who brings it? Not you? Can you?

Speaker 2 Will they allow you? Does someone shoot Prime? I've never used it if I tip someone. I think you're the fuck up.

Speaker 2 I've never used Prime. Will I be arrested if I try and give a

Speaker 2 worked person money? You literally have to go in and edit it so that you don't tip. And Adam's like, what? I didn't even know that.
I've never used Prime now.

Speaker 2 You guys are. My powers are weak right now because I'm sick of it.
You're throwing up juicy lobs to us, man. I'm sorry.
Your powers.

Speaker 2 Sorry. I didn't realize your powers are weak.
I'm a better tipper than all of you guys. And I'm nicer to customer service than I am.
Absolutely not. You know how annoying is that?

Speaker 2 You guys are both terrible. When people fuck

Speaker 2 when people

Speaker 2 have gentlemen's tempers. No, you guys

Speaker 2 yell at Uber drivers. Stop you yelling at us.
Yeah, it fucking feels good, bitch. It feels good to yell at people.
And fucking people. He was just doing his job.
Fuck him.

Speaker 2 And fuck the guy in front of me, leaning his shit all the way back.

Speaker 2 That guy was a dick, but it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.

Speaker 2 I fucking owned when you kicked that old woman. He said, It's common fucking decency.

Speaker 2 Look at that bitch.

Speaker 2 Why are you fucking

Speaker 2 wearing an American flag tracksuit, kicking some old Australian bitch in the leg? First of all,

Speaker 2 you literally literally turn around and go fat, you turn around and you go,

Speaker 2 it's common fucking decency.

Speaker 2 I didn't kick that bitch. She wouldn't move her fucking stupid leg so I could take a piss.
Fuck her. Fuck that flight attendant.
Fuck that Italian cocksucker in front of her.

Speaker 2 We've never even brought that up on the show, but that was the funniest shit ever. That made me laugh so fucking hard.
It's common fucking decency. I already, and

Speaker 2 I already had the aisle seat, and I switched with you so you could have the aisle seat. Yeah.
And you still threw a tantrum at that fucking gay Australian.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. He was just doing his job.
I don't give a fuck. And he charged our cell phones in the fucking first class.

Speaker 2 But that's not the least he could fucking do because all the fucking things were broken.

Speaker 2 It's a nine-hour flight and none of the fucking outlets work. I know, but he still hooked us up because like.
He didn't hook us up. He did his fucking job.

Speaker 2 It's a $900. Okay, I'm sorry I said thank you.
I'm sorry I said thank you. Don't fucking stop.
No, because both of you guys, because both of you guys were like, don't fucking say thank you.

Speaker 2 Don't fucking try to butter this guy up. Don't say thank you.
What did we say? Don't say thank you.

Speaker 2 you i was like you fell asleep and i gave him my phone he's like hey he's like yeah do you name me to chocolate hey everybody it's cool adam here so then me and the flight attendant

Speaker 2 out of the cockpit and high-fiving each other and he was like you're the coolest guy on this plane mike it was very you're widebanded in your frames who everyone dislikes but you're real cool mike

Speaker 2 and then he said no i said i said

Speaker 2 you fell asleep You fell asleep. I said, I'm sorry.
I said, sorry, dude. We've just been traveling.
He's like, Mike, I'm looking at your painted right now. And from my sister,

Speaker 2 it doesn't look small at all. I don't like it.
It doesn't look like zero inches.

Speaker 2 It's probably just.

Speaker 2 It's an optical illusion, mate.

Speaker 2 I said it was hyperlinks. Your huge.

Speaker 2 You're great in customer service. You're great.
And your dick is huge.

Speaker 2 This is such a betrayal because we've literally had this conversation, the two of us. No, motherfucker.
No, Nick and I literally have had this conversation. What about it?

Speaker 2 How your dick looks different when you're looking down at it versus when you're looking in the mirror. I think this may have been something you said to me, and I went, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, that's not true, dude. We've literally had this conversation also.
You were talking about a post.

Speaker 2 I remember

Speaker 2 I said to the flyer. Oh, right.
Yeah, you were saying that you got in trouble for looking at your penis in the mirror after having sex with your girlfriend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I said I wanted to see it looking good, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I agreed to the point that your dick looks nicer after you just nutted, which I think everybody will get. It looks great.
it's pulsating, it's awesome.

Speaker 2 Phenomenal dick. Yeah, I'm so

Speaker 2 it's accomplished something. Yeah, it did proud of itself.
Yeah, it didn't make a woman come, that's for sure. Yeah, well, not

Speaker 2 yours, bitch.

Speaker 2 If you count me as a woman, yeah, it did, then, yeah, you're right. Anyway, it didn't make two women come.
No, because you guys, yeah, exactly. You guys were raising me

Speaker 2 my dick. To me and the Australian flight attendant, looking at my penis in the middle.
I don't like cool atoms. I've been throwing up.

Speaker 2 I fucking love cool advice. I don't like cool atoms, dude.
Hey, everybody.

Speaker 2 I don't like cool ads. I fucking love cool atoms.

Speaker 2 You guys,

Speaker 2 I guess I'll tell you what. What if I was.
You know what, guys? My penis used to look zero-ish.

Speaker 2 I said zero-inch

Speaker 2 hyperbolic. Until I went to BlueChew.com.
Oh, yeah. Sorry, yeah.

Speaker 2 I thought you seriously meant that your penis was vanished. It was non-dimensional.

Speaker 2 Thanks for explaining hyperbole to us, you dumb asshole. We're being totally serious.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 2 Bluechew.com. Blue Chew.com.
Continue. Make us that money.
Bluechew.com. I tell you, you go to this website, you know, your dick's not hard.
You fill out some forms. Guess what, baby?

Speaker 2 Your dick's fucking hard. You put your cock in the UK.
They're sending you custom medicine to your fucking house. That's right.
Tired of having a limp dick?

Speaker 2 Tired of your dick being way too fucking limp. Tired of it being small.
Are you tired? Of your dick. Of your small dick.

Speaker 2 It's me, Satan.

Speaker 2 Here

Speaker 2 for gay sex.

Speaker 2 That's right, children of God.

Speaker 2 That's right, children of God. These people at Blue True.com want you to sign up

Speaker 2 and get your penis hard for women because they know you should be saving yourself from marriage is the only time you can get hard. I'm not married myself.

Speaker 2 I've never had a hard penis unless I'm imagining a man.

Speaker 2 These temptations put into my head by Satan himself.

Speaker 2 And the good people at Blue True.com.

Speaker 2 Disclaimer, the good people at bluechew.com do not put gay sex temptations in my head. I could really really figure out what angle.

Speaker 2 I think first you were Satan, and then it was a preacher. You're kind of like a black drill sergeant.
But then the preacher turned out to be gay.

Speaker 2 Look, man, this one is Bluetooth.com. It's a website where you can get dick pills

Speaker 2 without having to be better at lying to a doctor in prison.

Speaker 2 If you're better at making eye contact, if you're better at

Speaker 2 posting than you are speaking to people, which if I'm going to guess is 99% of the people who are going to be able to do it. It's all of of you.

Speaker 2 Then, what you want to do is go to Bluetooth.com, fill out a questionnaire, do not lie on it, wink, tell the truth, tell the truth.

Speaker 2 You have to lie.

Speaker 2 That's Satan saying that.

Speaker 2 Don't listen to him. Listen to God.

Speaker 2 Don't listen to him. I'm God.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody. It's me.
Cool God.

Speaker 2 Cool God.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, shut up, Adam. Shut your bitch ass up.
Wow. Cool God and Satan are agreeing on one thing.
It's me like a strip club DJC.

Speaker 2 Anyway, go to fucking Blue Chew.

Speaker 2 Tell them the truth. Get your fucking dickheart for Teresa at Blue Chew.com.

Speaker 2 Gives you the confidence, baby. No joke, I'm not even fucking kidding.
A cumboy, shouts out, a listener came up to me. His friend came up to me after a show at Union Hall.

Speaker 2 He was like, yo, one of my friends listens to you, and he said he got Blue Chew, and it has completely turned around his relationship. My man was hitting his girlfriend with the soft.

Speaker 2 That's a fucking testimonial. Came through with the Blue Chews.
You know what? It's more like a breast emonial because that man gets to suck on some small tick titties.

Speaker 2 Gets to titty fuck his girlfriend again. With a hard cock.
Tired of not being able to titty fuck your small tit girlfriend.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, guys, blue motherfucking chew.

Speaker 2 Take them shits. We're customers.

Speaker 2 We own the company. We are bustomers.
We're bustomers.

Speaker 2 We are personal bustomers at bluechew.com.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude. Bustomers, dude.
Cool customer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know. What's the exact read that we're supposed to do? I don't know, man.
Look, it's a website where you can get generic Cialis and Viagra. Or the same drugs.
Same drugs.

Speaker 2 Same drugs that are in them, but they're chewable, so they work faster. Faster.
And you know what? I'll tell you, I take them and, like,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't like fucking. In fact, like I've stated before, I prefer my dick to be limp and act like a baby.

Speaker 2 I like them just for the taste. Right, they do taste pretty good.

Speaker 2 What do they taste like? They taste really funny. You want one?

Speaker 2 I was actually just going to take one. Did I have one? Yeah.
Yeah. I took one out of sleepover.
I told you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll take one. I've never seen it.
And then me and my friends were like, let's take a Viagra.

Speaker 2 I'm going to show you this trick, this Australian flight attendant show.

Speaker 2 That guy was just doing his job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 First of all, bitch, you're not the best at customer service people. You haggle like I've never seen before.
When have I haggle? To the point.

Speaker 2 To the point that

Speaker 2 you can guitar center. To an example.
To the point that it's a bad thing. You fucking use telecasters.
You're supposed to. And you know what you do? You're supposed to.

Speaker 2 You do the shit because there was damage.

Speaker 2 There was damage on the body. Did I tell you this guitar center story? Yeah.
There was damage. There was damage on the body.
And it was already marked down $600.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got a great deal on the guitar. You think they love you? You think you're being charming? They're like, I can't wait till this asshole stops talking.
It wasn't a telecaster.

Speaker 2 That's who you are with customer service people. What? It was a telecaster.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, it was a telecaster. It was a Sukdika caster.
And your bitch ass hasn't even played it either. Yeah, by the way.
Never once.

Speaker 2 You only wanted to play Amber's guitar because you love being annoying. That's not true, dude.

Speaker 2 How dare you say I'm the worst at customer service?

Speaker 2 You know how good I am. With the exception of some flare-ups on international travel.

Speaker 2 it's annoying that you're better at guitar than the two of us. Because honestly, if you're going to stay guitar, that's yeah, but you're not even good at guitar.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm not best out of the three of us.

Speaker 2 We've never tried to play guitar. I could play the

Speaker 2 part to the goddamn mindset.

Speaker 2 I don't want to take everything away. You're not getting married like me.
Maybe you guys learned a little guitar. Bitch, we could get engaged to each other whenever we fucking want to be.

Speaker 2 You fucking dumb asshole. What are you talking about? Me and Steve could go get engaged right now.
Right now. Falling in love and getting married is cool.
It's actually cool. And playing guitar.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody.

Speaker 2 I set that up. Come on.
You know, I set that up.

Speaker 2 You know, I gave you that.

Speaker 2 Check this out, Australian flight attendant. I set them up.

Speaker 2 You're so cool, mate. Womp, womp, womp, womp.
Your turn, Adam. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love.

Speaker 2 Do you remember what he said to you, Soph? No. He's like, mate, if you could just cool it with the profinity right now.

Speaker 2 And you were like, this fucking flight sucks.

Speaker 2 Fuck you. It did suck.

Speaker 2 This Italian faggot just leaves.

Speaker 2 Fuck those Portuguese cocksuckers or whatever the fuck they were.

Speaker 2 I'll fight them to this day, dude. I hate all of them.
If I see that cocksucker in the street, I'll slap him. I'll slap the little fuck up.

Speaker 2 Anyways, Blue Chew is the only company, or maybe they were the first company with chewable Viagra. The good shit, bitch.
They're cheaper than the other two.

Speaker 2 It only takes a few minutes to fill out a form online. No doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at a pharmacy.

Speaker 2 It ships directly to your door in discrete packaging. Custom medicine.
None of that indirect shipping that we all have.

Speaker 2 When you have your dick pills shipped to your mom's house.

Speaker 2 Mae!

Speaker 2 Go pick it up.

Speaker 2 But, Eric, your dick pills are here.

Speaker 2 Me.

Speaker 2 Meh. Ma'am.

Speaker 2 You don't have to have them shipped to your address, but in your roommate Eldis' name. Yeah.
You don't have to do that anymore. Blue chew chewables are prescribed online by a doctor.
Made in the USA.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm Wolf of Brimley.

Speaker 2 My penis stopped working in 1930 or something.

Speaker 2 There was no solution back then. You could put on blackface makeup, maybe feel better about your race, but you could never get your dick hard again.
Never.

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Speaker 2 Come on. Come on, folks.
Who doesn't want to chew it and do it? I love to chew it and do it. Everyone loves chewing it and doing it.

Speaker 2 I hope the guy that came up with that, his asshole just falls out.

Speaker 2 He's just walking down the street, and everyone's like, Is that man shitting himself? But then there's like way too much blood for it to just be that?

Speaker 2 He's like, oh, God. My ass.
My asshole is falling.

Speaker 2 Here's a great deal for you guys. Visit bluechew.com and get your first order free.
when you use promo code Cometown. Just pay $5 shipping.
That's B-L-U-E

Speaker 2 C.

Speaker 2 H.

Speaker 2 E-W. Sorry, it didn't make sense for a sec because I know C-H is like the chit noise, but then seeing them separated, it was hard to read.
Sure, sure. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 Use promo code Cometown, C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

Speaker 2 Script, but please don't feel obligated to read verbatim. Use your own language and talk about your own experiences if you wish.
Make it fun.

Speaker 2 I want to make this more about allowing you to have great sex with your partner rather than the problems that keep you from performing.

Speaker 2 What's up, you little dick limp-ass fucking pieces of shit? We got a fix, sort of, hopefully. Unless your dick is that weak that even dick pills won't fix it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Guys, looking to last longer, go a few extra rounds. Go to Blue Chew.
I mean, the read's over. This is just a demo copy this.

Speaker 2 And the part they told me not to read.

Speaker 2 And the part they explicitly asked you not to tell people. That's stupid.
Don't put that. Don't send me an email that says, don't read this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't read this part. Don't read this part.
Don't suck this.

Speaker 2 I want to plug a couple of dates real quick, guys. This weekend in Phoenix, please come out and see me at the 19th at Valley Bar, Tucson on the 20th.
Then I'm in Hartford on the 24th.

Speaker 2 And Wilmington, Delaware, the 25th. I have not promoted that date at all.
No tickets have been sold. So please, if you live in Delaware, no tax.
By

Speaker 2 Chicago or anywhere in the United States, fly out for it. I'm at Lincoln Lodge.
The beginning of March. Look up Lincoln Lodge.
The Saturday show is sold out.

Speaker 2 We might add a second one, but I'm waiting to see how Friday shows. No, I'm going to wait until the Friday shows were at like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, 70-something for the first one or like 40-something for the late one. Bro, Addie, you'll sell out.
Trust me. Yeah,

Speaker 2 just buy tickets for the late show Friday if you want to come. You're in Chicago.
If I hit like 90 on both of those, then I'll add a second show Saturday.

Speaker 2 I think it's because more people, obviously, more people want to come Saturday. Right, I got you.

Speaker 2 So if I add a second show Saturday, and then I'm dealing with like a fucking friday room on one of those.

Speaker 2 I think you'll sell all them out. I sold them all out.
I think you'll sell them all out. Yeah, but you know, you're the guy everybody wants to go see.
No, they want to see you.

Speaker 2 Oh, they want to see you. No.

Speaker 2 Everybody's supporting me. No.
People being just supportive and nice.

Speaker 2 They want to see both you and me, Nick. Okay.
Well, obviously, everybody just wants to see the podcast. Awesome.
Nobody gives a shit about it. They want to see either me or you or the podcast.

Speaker 2 They don't want to see me just do Chris Gethard's hour.

Speaker 2 I got some Chris Gethard dates. So, yeah, Phoenix on the 19th, Tucson on the 20th, Hartford the 24th, Delaware the 25th.
Please buy tickets to fucking Delaware.

Speaker 2 And then San Diego on the 27th, we added a second show. L.A., the 2nd of February, added a second show.
Please buy tickets. And I'm working on it right now, Indianapolis.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to fucking make up those dates. So

Speaker 2 I want to suck you little fucking Midwestern motherfuckers off as well.

Speaker 2 I had a grease fire the other day. I almost burned the apartment down.
That's the first time this ever happened to me. Really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've never like, I was always like, how the fuck do you burn your house down? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How are all these fucking idiots? How the fuck are you burning? That's stupid that you burn your house down. Because

Speaker 2 you leave like a sig out. And then it's like.
Oh, yeah. No, there was that guy I worked with at Papa Johns.
I told you that story.

Speaker 2 He's like, yeah, I burned down my apartment complex. The whole fucking thing?

Speaker 2 Get this. He lives, he managed to Papa John's.
This guy was like 27. Hell yeah.
Burned down the apartment complex by leaving a cigarette out. Didn't show up to work because he had to open the store.

Speaker 2 So it's me and the other driver just hanging out outside waiting for like updates from him. And then he

Speaker 2 called me to let me know that he saved his PlayStation.

Speaker 2 A real one. Yeah, yeah.
And then, because he said my apartment building caught on fire. So I was like, oh, shit.
And then later I found out it was because he left a cigarette out.

Speaker 2 Best part is, his dad owned the apartment complex. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Like, is that even insurance fraud? It's like, no, Your Honor, my son is that fucking stupid.

Speaker 2 Your Honor, I just have this picture of him wearing Jinkos. Maybe that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the

Speaker 2 core frauds in favor of not the insurance company.

Speaker 2 Obviously, this boy is a mental,

Speaker 2 he's a fucking loser.

Speaker 2 That man was a fucking loser, bro. Your honor, I'm just a simple, retarded loser.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a simple, fucking faggot ass.

Speaker 2 I'm just a simple, fagged ass retard.

Speaker 2 Okay, please make your points, counselor. Oh,

Speaker 2 whoopsie.

Speaker 2 Oopsie, Daisy.

Speaker 2 Where

Speaker 2 is the time gone?

Speaker 2 Oh, looking at my watch now, I just realized that it's actually

Speaker 2 a time right now.

Speaker 2 Do you folks know what time it is? Then he shows him his watch.

Speaker 2 Ma'am,

Speaker 2 can you read my watch for me? It says kill on it. It's a time to kill.

Speaker 2 Case closed, ladies and gentlemen. I read the defense rest.
The defense rests. What does this have to do with the shoplifting case you're showing?

Speaker 2 The traffic moving violations. Once again, Mr.
Lemieux novelty watch.

Speaker 2 Sir, do you plead guilty or non-guilty for public urination? Mr. Lemieux's novelty watch has saved his client.
I guarantee you, this defense will not work indefinitely, Mr. Lemieux.

Speaker 2 One day, a jury will not be swayed by your parlor tricks.

Speaker 2 Just one guy doing all the parts.

Speaker 2 Please remove him and suck him off.

Speaker 2 You ever see that movie Time to Kill? No, I haven't. Yeah, it's Matthew.

Speaker 2 Matthew Modine.

Speaker 2 Matthew McKina Gay.

Speaker 2 Makina gay. Makina gay.
Yeah. Psychedic, psychedic, psychedic.

Speaker 2 That's what I love about preschool boys. I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay.

Speaker 2 I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay. I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody, it's me, Matthew McConaughey. Hi, everybody.
It's me, Matthew. McConaughey.

Speaker 2 McConaughey. Makanda gay.
McConnell gay. I'm mostly

Speaker 2 about these high school girls. The older I get, they turn into boys.

Speaker 2 They're all turning into boys now.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Someone's so gay, he loves trans

Speaker 2 men.

Speaker 2 The older guy that's really happy about

Speaker 2 a pedophile that's like, I'm just so supportive of all this trans stuff. Let's turn them all into boys.

Speaker 2 More boys, please.

Speaker 2 Sign me up. We don't need your support.
Sign me up for some boys.

Speaker 2 God damn. I'm excited to watch Mandy whenever I do.
Dude, it's just. I'll tell you what, dude.
I'm going to pop a couple of Bluetoes and watch Mandy by myself.

Speaker 2 You've never seen it? No, I haven't seen it. Mandy fucked twice.

Speaker 2 It just came out. What do you mean I haven't seen it?

Speaker 2 It was on Netherlands. I'll tell you, folks.

Speaker 2 There's nothing I love more than taking two or three or four Blue Chews.

Speaker 2 Don't. That's not a vibe.

Speaker 2 And then playing Nintendo Switch handheld style, of course.

Speaker 2 Leaning the Switch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. Yeah.
That was

Speaker 2 playing as baby Bowser. Like imagining I bowed.
Imagining being baby Bowser being sucked off. Getting my baby Bowser done for James Bowser.
By Daisy.

Speaker 2 No, by your dad. No joke, that is kind of hard.
Baby Bowser, you pissed in my mouth. I would love to piss in Daisy's mouth as a baby.
I tell you.

Speaker 2 Look, everybody should try pissing in somebody's mouth at least once.

Speaker 2 Is Daisy Mario's girlfriend? No. No.
That's Princess Peach. So who's Daisy? She's her sister, I think.
No, she fucks Luigi? She's Luigi's bitch. They all have she's kind of hotter.

Speaker 2 Who's Rosalina then? Who does Rosalina fuck? Rosalina was the bitch. She's frozen.
She's from Super Mario Odyssey. But who does she fuck? Galaxy.
Were those

Speaker 2 from Pixar Frozen? Well, it was on like Wii or GameCube. No.
It was on Wii. Super Mario Galaxy, yeah.
Mario's 16. Rosalina's the bitch that owns the spaceship that goes through space.
So who do you?

Speaker 2 I never play that one. She doesn't fuck anybody.
Princess Peach is kidnapped in that one. So Rosalina's...
She's like the bad guy.

Speaker 2 Rosalina's the caretaker of the like little star guys that Mario has to like save or freeze. Sucks the star guys.

Speaker 2 Super Mario Galaxy was a great fucking game. I never played it.
It's great. All of those Mario.
I might get

Speaker 2 whatever the one reason in New York is. New Dark City.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's Mario has to fuck the biggest Puerto Rican ass he can find.

Speaker 2 You stupid Mario. I don't.
I'm not trying to fuck your little

Speaker 2 Italian ass D.

Speaker 2 Mario. Are you cheating? You're fucking stupid.
You fucking plumber. Mario, are you cheering? I ain't fucking no plumber.
Mario? You better start rapping. Oh, my God.
Damn, it really.

Speaker 2 You really want to say the N-word when you do that voice.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. When I do that voice.

Speaker 2 I'm about to bastard.

Speaker 2 Your butt cheeks are too big.

Speaker 2 A pitch of a little ass.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the kind of shit fucking Mario says.

Speaker 2 You got the bastard over your rose tattoo on your upper butt cheek. What else is new? I guess I watched Mississippi Burning the other night.
Oh, yeah? Who'd you root for?

Speaker 2 My dick.

Speaker 2 I don't know. That movie sucks.

Speaker 2 That movie's fucking dumb. I've never seen it.
I haven't seen it in Decay. Well, it used to be on TV like every single time.
I remember that.

Speaker 2 They would play Mississippi Burning.

Speaker 2 They played Mississippi Burning and they'd play Christine every day. And Rodney Dangerfield's back to school.
That's cool rocks, by the way. It was on Comedy Central every day.
And Bloodsport.

Speaker 2 What's Christine? Is that one of a

Speaker 2 dog?

Speaker 2 The car.

Speaker 2 The car

Speaker 2 chose the one about the dog. You know what's funny? Do you remember Sean Gabbard?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 The guy in Christine looks exactly like Sean Gabbard.

Speaker 2 Already.

Speaker 2 From From Christine. What's he do? I think he's just in D.C.
now, I believe.

Speaker 2 He's got a child and shit. Oh, nice.
Should we have a child, guys? Yeah. Yeah, all three of us.
Of course. Put our reman and a baby.

Speaker 2 Put our comment a test to you. I would be so upset with your guys' parenting decisions.
No.

Speaker 2 We would be good parents. No,

Speaker 2 I wouldn't

Speaker 2 take over as the primary character. No.
Yes, I would. It's the way you think you're.
What's your parenting technique like?

Speaker 2 I'd do the same thing Robert DeNier did in Meet the Falkers, dude, the Ferber method or whatever. Oh, the Circle of Trust?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You cry out, the baby cries. I've got nipples.

Speaker 2 I let the baby suck my nipples. Yeah.
Can you

Speaker 2 suck my tits?

Speaker 2 He does look just like. Yeah, he looks exactly like Sean Gabber.
Oh, wow. I mean, the guy's got hair.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sean had hair at one point. I think.
I met him bald. I think I remember Sean Gabber.

Speaker 2 No, I just knew him bald.

Speaker 2 So if you guys want to know what a comic that we started doing comedy with

Speaker 2 looks like, look up Christine. He always made me laugh.
Yeah, I like Sean. I miss Sean.

Speaker 2 You should kiss him. He said that

Speaker 2 joke about Easter Motors.

Speaker 2 I don't know it. He had a lot of jokes that were.

Speaker 2 Yeah, about Easter Motors. He's just pissing.
Yeah. Hey, everybody.

Speaker 2 I'm just leaving the show to piss. Yeah, I'm trying to find pictures of him with hair on the internet, but I don't.

Speaker 2 I don't think you need to worry about it, man. Why? I think you could do that later.
Okay.

Speaker 2 You don't have to look up pictures of a guy we know.

Speaker 2 People want to know.

Speaker 2 They want to know: did Sean Gabbard have hair?

Speaker 2 I mean, he did.

Speaker 2 The answer is yes at some point. Oh, look at this.
This website. I don't even know what this is.
Die Laughing Productions, but it's Schlegel, Rob Mayer, Joe Robinson, Tommy Simbazzo.

Speaker 2 Oh, Tommy Simbazzo. Eric Woodward, Sean Gabbert, Frankie French, Kim Ambrose.
Oh, Dylan. Oh, R.I.P.
Door. Rest in peace.
Fucking real world. Rest in pussy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know who this guy is. What's his name? R.J.
Jackson. I don't know.
Yeah, no idea. Talk.
I'll fuck with talk. I fuck with talk, too.
Katie.

Speaker 2 Katie Poosh.

Speaker 2 P-E-U-S-S-C-H.

Speaker 2 Nick is laughing at the word P-E-U-S-C-H.

Speaker 2 It looks like her name is Katie Poosh.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to get some pooch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, this is happening.

Speaker 2 Jerry had poosh up. Yeah, let me see that pooch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know. I'm sure she's funny.

Speaker 2 Good name. Sounds like pussy.
The account's already deleted on Twitter for me just laughing that one time.

Speaker 2 Oh, she just does like stage managing or shit. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, I guess I should stop looking at it. Maybe stop looking at local Baltimore comedy production websites.
I don't know. I thought the Poosh is pretty fun.
Push.

Speaker 2 You know, we did get Poosh out of it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn. Damn.
And listen, we got to start brushing. Maybe we need to partner with them when we move to Baltimore.
Yeah, we should. When we start our new life.
We're not moving to Baltimore.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we are. You're not.
Me and Stav are. What do you mean? To start our next podcast.
That's right. Intellectual Masters

Speaker 2 with our guests.

Speaker 2 Fucking. You guys don't even know about this.

Speaker 2 It would be awesome to start a podcast called Intellectual Masters, and it's me and you talking to just an expert on a subject and just see how long they'll stay talking to us.

Speaker 2 What's that guy? Did you ever find that video of you debating that art guy? No, I never did. I think they took it.

Speaker 2 The guy from the New Yorker. What's his name? Jerry Saltz.
Yeah, Stav owned that guy, Jerry Saltz, in Baltimore. If anyone can find that video, it's a fun one, man.

Speaker 2 They had a debate about art, and Stop won. I mean, I didn't win, but I was just, there's no winning, but I was just like, I don't know, man.
You came back and told it the way you went.

Speaker 2 You told us that you won. You were like, I crushed him, dude.
He looked so stupid. And I was like, indubitably.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen that guy on Instagram? Who? For like two years ago, he would just like stand behind girls, like leaving the subway and like take upskirt pictures and stuff.

Speaker 2 Jerry Saltz? The head of the New Yorkers, like art. Yeah, he was New York critic.
He was the art critic. He was like, that shit's a picture.
Peer Shack used to be

Speaker 2 sexy for upskirt pics. And then two years ago,

Speaker 2 people used to like that shit. When Hillary lost his lips.
He tell you something about bitches.

Speaker 2 He'd take pictures of camel toes in fucking rubber pants and shit. Shit, I mean, 2013, man.

Speaker 2 A little GoPro that I taped upwards facing on the back of an RC car. And then Hillary Lostie.
I drive that shit through the airport. He became a resistance guy.
Oh, my God. Like, immediately.

Speaker 2 He did seem a little weird and horny. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a freak. He had some weird energy on him.
He's a real freak. But shouts out, my boy Jerry, if you're out there, bro.
Let's do it again.

Speaker 2 Let's debate whether or not you're going to be able to do it. Jerry Saltz come through.

Speaker 2 We'll have you on the podcast.

Speaker 2 We will. Someone tell Jerry Saltz that we want to have him on Cometown.

Speaker 2 All right. Are we done? No.
I have to go back to sleep. No, we got to do extra time.
We got to do like 100 more hours. Yeah.
Actually, yeah, maybe you could leave. Maybe we'll just hang out

Speaker 2 another episode. Actually, we're actually stopping the recorder now.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 I'm stopping the recorder, dude. The recorder's on.
You're just doing noises with your mouth.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 the show's gone. You can go home.
Adam,

Speaker 2 see you later. See ya.

Speaker 2 Nice, dude. These fucking goals.

Speaker 2 We could do this show the way we want.

Speaker 2 I love Abby. Why are you guys kissing us? Oh, Adam.
I thought you you left. I'm trying to fix the fucking machine, dude.
You're not fixing the machine.

Speaker 2 That's the noise the machine makes.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen a machine before?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's why you never produce the podcast.

Speaker 2 Whenever I produce it, the levels are...

Speaker 2 You know me funny to call up tech support and it wouldn't even be that funny, but it would be a fun prank call.

Speaker 2 You call up tech support and you explain that your printer's making noises, but the noises the printer are making are like insulting mockeries of like whatever that guy's language is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, bonding bump.

Speaker 2 It's like it keeps going. Yeah, it's like

Speaker 2 I do not know.

Speaker 2 It keeps going,

Speaker 2 it keeps doing stuff like running bundle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, that's stuff like that. Stuff like that.
It's

Speaker 2 something that could potentially

Speaker 2 racism.

Speaker 2 Yeah, are you? Hey, let me talk to the slum dog millionaire.

Speaker 2 Hey, who's this? Fucking Apu from The Simpsons.

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Bam Margera calling up to doing a cameo for

Speaker 2 you. Do you know

Speaker 2 he went to rehab two days after he did your cameo? Oh, did he? We got him at the perfect moment. Yo,

Speaker 2 this is rehab Margera here for birthday boy Stavros and Adam. But I just want to say

Speaker 2 good night and good luck to the Tom Myers,

Speaker 2 the Tom Myers Consortium and

Speaker 2 Viva La Spam, baby. Party's never going to end.

Speaker 2 You know, just MTV2 is going to be a thing forever.

Speaker 2 Do you guys want to get

Speaker 2 Castle Bam for my bachelor party? Honestly, 100%,

Speaker 2 yes. Yeah, we could do that.
That'd be pretty. That would be awesome.
I'm not kidding. How much does it cost on Airbnb? I don't give a fuck.
I'll pay it. You can rent his house on Airbnb.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's what someone said. Oh, my God.
Dude, we feel so bad for him. Why? He's our buddy, dude.
And shout out to

Speaker 2 paying him money.

Speaker 2 No, we love him. We do.
We pay tribute to him. I do love Bam.

Speaker 2 I love Bam. I love Bam, too.
I feel bad for the guy. Yeah, I feel bad for him.

Speaker 2 And shout out to Matt from CKY, who's a cumboy. Shouts out.
Salute, Matt. I mean, I liked that show.
It was funny.

Speaker 2 That was Jess Marjorie. Throwing dog shit in your dad's face while he's asleep.
Don Vito just molesting 15-year-olds and being on the TV. One of the funniest sketches.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're going to have Dom Vito. Yeah, we're going to have Domit.
Dom's going to fucking give Dom Vito Viagro and send him to a middle school gymnastics meet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he thought that, but that's the joke because he doesn't even need the Viagra. You don't even need it.

Speaker 2 Hey, come on, B. He said Matt from CKY said he loved all the Bam and Delco shit.
Nice.

Speaker 2 Bam probably likes it too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, hey guys, cool admiration.

Speaker 2 Shut up. No,

Speaker 2 stop.

Speaker 2 I hate it. I hate it.
We're actually friends. I genuinely hate this.

Speaker 2 We actually know him. I want to shut up.
You know how you you hate it. It's literally

Speaker 2 saying what you say. It's like the in that voice.
Yeah, exactly. Let me bury myself.
I don't want to hear it back. I can't listen to this podcast anyway because I hate listening to this.

Speaker 2 We never have you. All the gay shit I say on this podcast anyway.
It makes me want to throw it. It's kind of like the opposite of the penis thing.

Speaker 2 When you're hearing your own voice, it sounds great to you, but when it's reflected back at you, it's zero. No, when I'm hearing my own,

Speaker 2 when I'm hearing my own voice, it sounds terrible. Cool Adam is so good.
I hate Cool Adam.

Speaker 2 I hate it. Yeah, me and my best friend, the CKY guy, were

Speaker 2 he just hit me up and said that he liked it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they talk a lot.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's just me and my best friend, the guy. The guy from CKY hit me up.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Nick. Yeah, we always.
It's not Nick. It's me.
It's cool Adam. Cool Adam, shut up.
I'm not. I'm not cool Adam.
Thanks for coming and hanging out with us, man.

Speaker 2 Well, if you're real Cool Adam, let me ask you a question that only cool Adam would know. No, he is cool, Adam.
What do you mean? You're gay Adam. How are you going to ask him when no? No.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you a question. That's like me being like, if you're really Adam, let me ask you a question only Stav would know.

Speaker 2 The way you get out of this is you start doing gay Nick and making fun of me.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to make gay.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Go ahead.
Do it. Do gay nick.
No. I'm helping you.
This is it. This is.
Do gay nick.

Speaker 2 What's up, guys? This is not gay nick. This is,

Speaker 2 I'm not a faggot.

Speaker 2 Is this gay Nick? No, I'm doing not gay you because the real you is gay.

Speaker 2 I was trying to trick him. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because he was going to do gay Nick. You weren't gay.
That's right. You are gay Nick and I'm regular.

Speaker 2 I know. The real thing is.

Speaker 2 I'll edit it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm not gay. In this version of myself, in this universe, I'm not gay.

Speaker 2 I just.

Speaker 2 I thought you'd say your impression of me is like a Toronto businessman from 20 years ago. Yeah, that's what you are.

Speaker 2 I'm not

Speaker 2 gay. I'm not gay.
I'm just in this store.

Speaker 2 What is Outsard here in the store? I thought these were fitness magazines.

Speaker 2 It's me and Nick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got some dates.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what's his name? What are their names?

Speaker 2 Men's names are. He's going out with a guy named Frank tomorrow.
He's going out with a guy named named Jim the day after. Dude, I've been using it.

Speaker 2 I finally figured out how to use the Instant Pot to make rice. Nice, man.
Oh, you really? Well, yeah, because I didn't.

Speaker 2 It has the rice button on there, and everything I read online was like, don't use that button.

Speaker 2 You want to try something with me with the Instant Pot? No, I don't want to try anything with the Instant Pot. No, Nick, just I already tried a podcast.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Fruit. Shut up.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 You shut your mouth right now. You will respect me on air.

Speaker 2 Unlike the last one. What do you want to try at the Instant Pot, Adam? I heard there's a way to make ramen in an hour.
In an hour? To make ramen broth in one hour.

Speaker 2 Because normally it takes like a hour.

Speaker 2 That's not true, then.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because of the pressure. There's no way that's true.
The only problem is

Speaker 2 that the broth is pretty clean. Does the Guinness Book of World Records have a phone number? Can you call them up and ask to submit for longest end bomb?

Speaker 2 You probably

Speaker 2 ask them. That would be another prank phone call.
That'd be fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah, hello. Is this Guinness?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was hanging out with my boys, and we must have got to saying some fun stuff. And

Speaker 2 I was thinking, ain't nobody said this particular word longer than I have.

Speaker 2 It's just the longest one everybody's ever heard.

Speaker 2 And I was thinking maybe you could put me in that fucking, and, you know, y'all got a book I'm under just to understand it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I'm the mate to understand it correctly, we were all eating crab nachos from nacho mamas, and this guy, Don Terrius, that fucked my sister, walked by. And

Speaker 2 inspiration struck me. I just

Speaker 2 tell you,

Speaker 2 I'm fucking, I have never been

Speaker 2 sir. Please leave harder from a red lobster in my life.

Speaker 2 And I said, I thought the shrimp was endless.

Speaker 2 Endless?

Speaker 2 Excuse me, y'all. I thought that was endless.
You said it was endless shrimp. Endless.
And then this motherfucker walks by.

Speaker 2 You told me.

Speaker 2 I thought this was supposed to be endless shrimp.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Oh, he come back, there's red lobster.

Speaker 2 I'll see you. You fuck me over.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. Damn, him on not knowing the word endless is honestly so fucking good.
Yeah. Yeah, we have some good times

Speaker 2 on the chumtown. We're not going to top that with you.
A podcast about friendship. And about friendship.
With three guys.

Speaker 2 Me, Stav, and Kool-Ad.

Speaker 2 To hang out with friends in the chat. Thanks for coming, guys.
Seriously. And I know I'm a little...

Speaker 2 My skills aren't as sharp. So Phoenix on the 19th, Tucson on the 20th, Hartford on the 24th, Delaware the 20th.

Speaker 2 San Diego the 27th. L.A.
on the fucking 2nd.

Speaker 2 Minneapolis. Come out to the 20th.
St. Paul, Twin Cities.
And if you want me to come to your city and you have a venue, please let me know. I want to come, baby.
Yep.

Speaker 2 That ought to do. Oh, thanks for coming to fucking Funny Moms.
That one was a banger. Oh, yeah, that one was great, actually.
I had a lot of fun. The 28th is the next one.

Speaker 2 And then the one after that is February 11th. What should I watch tonight? I want to watch like a big, dumb movie.
What do you mean, big and dumb? You know what is funny?

Speaker 2 It's like I legitimately enjoy taking those dick pills because it feels like doing drugs. Just the act of.
I mean, it is doing drugs. You can pop something.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I get in trouble for that sometimes. I wish I could.
I just want some, like, I want to. I want a couple of.

Speaker 2 I want a couple of Viking in

Speaker 2 or maybe some Roxy's and to sit and watch like, you know, Pacific Rim or something. Yep.
That'd be a tight evening. Look at it.
We got a beautiful late sunset. Yeah, it's gorgeous.

Speaker 2 It's nice out there. It's a beautiful winter day.
I wish I had a fucking ranch. That'd be sweet.
You want to go to Montana for my bachelor party? It's your bachelor party. Yeah, that'd be tight.

Speaker 2 Dude, we can all. Where do you want to go? We can all get buffalo capes.
I don't picture that old man I sent you. That bachelor party.
We could do that.

Speaker 2 That bachelor party I went to last time. Here's the thing, guys.

Speaker 2 Actually, if you're listening to the show, if you guys have some money, you're looking for a winter coat or whatever, consider buying a buffalo cape and then taking it to a tailor to have turned into an elaborate jacket.

Speaker 2 Because buffaloes, they're like limited in number, but what keeps them alive is like their usefulness.

Speaker 2 So, if you're actually buying buffalo products, it like proliferates their numbers because they're not going to occur naturally. Because so they farm more buffalo, so they farm more buffalo.

Speaker 2 What about the mozzarelle? You know, what are you talking about? They don't make buffalo mozzarelle.

Speaker 2 Is that buffalo milk? I don't think it's from buffalo. Yeah, I think it's from something else.
Maybe this is

Speaker 2 the buffalo mozzarella. The dipping sauce.
No, those balls, dude. Those white balls.
Those

Speaker 2 mozzarella. I don't know if I've had this.
Is this like, what is this? It's just mozzarella. It's just mozzarella.
It's mozzarella with buffalo sauce.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 2 It's just a type of mozzarella.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's made from buffalo. What am I? I think buffalo's inside.

Speaker 2 What are the mozzarella balls with buffalo sauce on the inside? I have no idea, man. So it doesn't exist.
I was right. No, Buffalo mozzarella exists.
What is buffalo mozzarella? It's Italian.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's made from the milk of the Italian Mediterranean buffalo. Oh, I guess it is made from buffalo.
So it's made from your mom's tits.

Speaker 2 My mom's not Italian. You're a big fat Italian mom.
My, get your fucking titch out of here. My.

Speaker 2 Let me squeeze your fucking titch and make some fucking cheese. Get your big buffalo fucking tits out of here.

Speaker 2 You fucking who

Speaker 2 we were laughing at the live show about how, like, the Italians stole like pasta and pizza from the Chinese.

Speaker 2 And so, like, up until like 1610, the Chinese just that was all just Italian culture.

Speaker 2 They were like, hey, I'm trying to fucking fucking Chinese over here. I'm trying to fucking do fucking man over here, buddy.

Speaker 2 Come on, I'm over here. I'm wearing my fucking best of all suit saying two plus two equals four.

Speaker 2 Fucking six divided by three, two. Come on.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 Real tiny feet, if you know what I'm calling.

Speaker 2 You know, I

Speaker 2 hounded up. I got a daughter.
I fucking kill her. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Come on. I'm fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me and a couple of my Chinese friends are going to hang out down the fucking dumpling shop later.

Speaker 2 Sitting outside of the dumpling shop.

Speaker 2 In a fucking track

Speaker 2 Woke up this morning, got myself a gun. Bong gong bing dang.
Bong bong ding ding dong. Mama always say you'll be the chosen one.

Speaker 2 That makes sense. Yeah, no.
I mean, we almost lived in that world. Yep.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Could you imagine? Wow.
Tony, Meadow has brought home a black man from college. That would have happened too.
They would have been upset. What is your background?

Speaker 2 Well, my dad is Jewish and my mom is African-American. Ah.

Speaker 2 So you are a dark man?

Speaker 2 We understand each other.

Speaker 2 Excuse me, Mr. Soprano?

Speaker 2 I see.

Speaker 2 There's got to be a funnier way to go with Chinese Soprano. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's see here. Yeah.
Yeah, the restaurant is the strip cup is called Ba Da Bing, which is also my name.

Speaker 2 That's funny. Ba da Bing.
Ba Da. There you go.
Come on, boys. Let's riff it out.
We're not.

Speaker 2 You got a

Speaker 2 Chinese sopranos. Come on.
We're all consummate professionals here. Okay.
We've been doing this show for nine years.

Speaker 2 This is something year two we would have been able to name.

Speaker 2 You know, Adam would have, Adam would have like, I would have said it. Adam would have stolen the ball, just immediately bricked it.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Alley from me. Alleyu

Speaker 2 No, that's not true. Adam with the ball.
I'm going to steal the ball from Adam. I give you the pass.
Adam's throw it to stop. Slam dunk with something.
What's up? You're saying

Speaker 2 get up to Adam's pants are now dunking.

Speaker 2 Adam's little dick and balls are out. Everyone in the stand is laughing at him.
It creates the diversion me and Nick need to do an alley oop and slam dunk at each other. Another alley oop, slam dunk.

Speaker 2 I'm dunking from half court. Chinese sopranos.

Speaker 2 You would then have

Speaker 2 your renaissance. You would mention that Furio looks like Jackie Chan, which is a joke you stole from the internet.
And we'd say, okay.

Speaker 2 And then the officials would have to go.

Speaker 2 And then the officials would come in and they'd be like, wait a second. It looks like Adam stole that joke from the internet.
I didn't steal anything.

Speaker 2 I literally have a stealing. Take it off the board.

Speaker 2 We're going to have to take that one off the board.

Speaker 2 Come on, guys.

Speaker 2 Ah, well,

Speaker 2 you know I'm sick.

Speaker 2 is the halftime show. Hey, everybody, it's me, Cool Adam.
I got t-shirts.

Speaker 2 Fan favorite.

Speaker 2 Why do people like him so much? No one loves Cool Adam. No one likes him.

Speaker 2 It's just his parents are rich. I love Cool Adam.
I like my shit.

Speaker 2 Please send us what you artist renderings of Cool Adam.

Speaker 2 Just Adam with a nose job and sunglasses.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't need a nose job.

Speaker 2 I have strong features. No one said you do.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No one says gay Adam needs a nose job.
I mean, it's like, what's funny about cool Adam is. All right, give me one of those.

Speaker 2 It's literally just you.

Speaker 2 No desperate. That's why it bothers him.
Yeah. Because it isn't really even a picture.
You're so desperate to be cool that you don't even want to be acknowledged as cool.

Speaker 2 It's not desperate. We're just calling you cool.
And you're like, fuck it. I'm not cool.
I'm just hanging out with the CKY guys.

Speaker 2 I'm just giving him a shot.

Speaker 2 Ah, fuck. All right.
Well, listen, folks. No, wait, we got to do it.
Chinese Sopranos. Oh, right.
I forgot. Chinese Sopranos.

Speaker 2 Servio. Yeah, well, I do know that Hunter goes to, or Meadow goes to check out Colby College, which is a pretty.

Speaker 2 That would be a fun episode to imagine them saying that.

Speaker 2 that's a good one. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 They live in Newark, they all go back to China to meet with the Chinese bosses. Uh-huh.
And it's a woman. And it's a woman, she's shitting on the street.

Speaker 2 She looks like a cat. Yeah.
Carmella. Yep, that's good.
Carmella. Carmer.

Speaker 2 Carmella.

Speaker 2 Anthony.

Speaker 2 Anthony Jr. Ballone Sanitation.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And they collect all the garbage and then they

Speaker 2 make it into food. No, no, no, no, no.
They take all the

Speaker 2 ballon sanitation takes all the recycling from other people's garbage cans. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
Like Chinese people doing at York. Yeah.
And just collect all the bottles. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So that they can sell them for money. Yeah.
Adriana.

Speaker 2 Raser La Selva. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Alright.
Alfie. Actually, I just got got to the episode where Artie Bucco.

Speaker 2 Artie Bucco is in love with Adrian.

Speaker 2 He's crying. Dude, that guy just takes

Speaker 2 so fucking funny. Yeah.
I like it. And when that guy fucks him up,

Speaker 2 he gets his small earring torn out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that that same episode where he gets away? Dude,

Speaker 2 he's such a fucking loser. He's like the most detestable character on the show.
Why? He's not a wise guy. Well, it's not.
He's a good guy. He's not a good guy.

Speaker 2 He's just in over his head and he's trying.

Speaker 2 He tries to be cool, but he's a fucking bitch. His bitch is mean to him, but she's

Speaker 2 fine, too. But Artie,

Speaker 2 Artie,

Speaker 2 Artie, like, doesn't have any... He's still like...

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 why does he have a crush on Adriana or any of these things? He wants all of these things. He's just a coward.
Because he sees all these guys he grew up. I see your point.
He's like...

Speaker 2 Making all this money.

Speaker 2 Artie would be

Speaker 2 like...

Speaker 2 He doesn't have the moral. Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 If Artie wasn't a coward, he would stand up for himself and recognize that Tony isn't his fucking friend. And he'd be like, fuck this guy.

Speaker 2 Artie's not, like, doing these things because he's a good guy. Everything he does is

Speaker 2 shut the fuck up when Tony blew up his restaurant

Speaker 2 so that they wouldn't have had to do the hit there. And he would have been like, oh, I get insurance money now for a new restaurant.

Speaker 2 Instead of being a bitch, he'd be like, Tony, you blew up my restaurant.

Speaker 2 Well, okay, it was a matter of perspective, but he sees it as like Tony fucked him over and he still is like, I'll just keep it as a secret. Because he's supposed to.
He's not going to do though, man.

Speaker 2 It's a fucking. Well, you're going to kill a mob boss? No, he's not going to kill a mob boss, but he's like, fuck fuck off, leave me the fuck alone, stay out of my fucking life.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and that'll be good for him. You know how Tony's going to be able to do that?

Speaker 2 Who are all the other people in like, you know, that Tony knew or were friends with that don't do business with him? The only two you really

Speaker 2 see are fucking Artie Bucco and David Scatino, and Scatino is like some piece of shit gambler. Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 No, no, there's the eye doctor, Johnny Sachs, Johnny Sachs' cousin, who's just an eye, or brother-in-law, Genie Sachs' brother, brother, who's an eye doctor. I don't know if I remember.

Speaker 2 There's Adriana. Sorry, Adriana's cousin, the stockbroker.

Speaker 2 I'm only about like in this rewatch, like halfway through three. Adriana's got a cousin who's a stockbroker.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Is it Carmel? No, it's Carmella's cousin that's the stockbroker.
Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right. They do pump and dump shit.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, like, guys that Tony was like childhood friends with. Oh, from his, from his ute.
Yeah, because that's how they framed this thing with him and Ari. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They already probably

Speaker 2 heard a little bit at the beginning. Yeah.
Oh, you're asking me who did Tony know because Jason Pat, like David Scattino, was like, they were all childhood friends together.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they all played football together. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 But he had never. You remember that time those Guido's had you trapped in the car and I threw a dinger off.
He said, Don't fucking reminisce on me.

Speaker 2 He's just crying himself to sleep in that tent.

Speaker 2 I'm fixing a fucking light.

Speaker 2 It shines off the one ball when I rack. Just hiding the gun he's going to kill himself with.

Speaker 2 If anyone has HBO.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I dabbled in it, I guess, with this crypto thing, and it's like, well, not for me. I mean, except for BetDSI.com.
Oh, yeah, betiaside.com. I gamble on that.

Speaker 2 I gamble that all the time, but I love it. But other than that, I'm glad I'm not.
Yeah, just me losing thousands of dollars a day on that website. It's my favorite place to lose a lot.

Speaker 2 But except we win. You win all the time.

Speaker 2 No one's ever lost, actually. No one's ever lost.
Not play boys. Bet win.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, let me ask you something. Is the motto play bet lose? Yeah, no, it's no.
It's funny. It's play bet win.
It's

Speaker 2 playboy. Play boys.
I'm going to start going by playboy. Mm-hmm.
You know?

Speaker 2 He's doing namescarl playboy.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 Damn. Well.
All right. Well,

Speaker 2 I have to go back to sleep. Do you? Why don't you sleep on this dick? Oh, guys, I'm sick.
Why don't you wake up to this dick? That's even funnier. You're like, get out of here.

Speaker 2 Shh, I'm putting my pieces. I'm putting that piece of in your mouth without your consent.
I'm putting it in your, I'm raping you.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, this is man Marshara. We're going to rape.
We're going to rape Kay Adam from the Coke Down podcast.

Speaker 2 It's 4 o'clock in the morning. As long as you let me sleep.
It's 4 o'clock in the morning. Just don't wake me up.

Speaker 2 Adam passed passed out watching Party and France again, his favorite movie to watch because he's a gay baby.

Speaker 2 Oh, hey, Bam, dude. I'm DM'd with the guy from CKY.

Speaker 2 Let's get out of here. It's back.
It's backfired.

Speaker 2 We gotta get out of here before he starts telling me. No, Bam, come back, dude.
He said that he must come back. We gotta go before he starts telling people.
One last thing, guys.

Speaker 2 One last thing.

Speaker 2 Bye.