Ep. 112 – Guilty conscience

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There's not enough hoes.

And we've begun.

Oh, did we already?

Take that part out.

No, it's good, man.

What do you mean?

All they heard was not enough hoes.

They didn't hear that.

Oh, okay, good.

Yeah, don't figure out what I said.

I refuse to be figured out.

We are fucking broadcasting live from my depression cave.

In Astoria.

Beautiful queen.

We've come here to Astoria to look after our beautiful boy.

Stav has come up lame.

I'm fucked up, bro.

I'm fucking depressed, dude.

My life's going to, I'm going to die here.

I can't tell everyone what happened.

Okay, so first of all, I was the only one manly enough, brave enough, to play in the Skank Fest basketball tournament.

My friends, my dear brothers in podcasting and in life, Adam and Nick, abandoned abandoned me.

I didn't abandon you.

I mean, it's clear.

I've been wide open about the fact that I have zero athleticism.

That's right.

Unlike me, who is, I am a great athlete.

Damn, you see that?

I just actually shot a piece of gum I was chewing into a cup.

Yeah, that could be a good thing.

That's pretty great.

Anyway, I played in the Skank Fest basketball tournament.

The most athletic I've ever been was

when I had the ponytail, which is a type of martial art.

you can make fun of me all you fucking want.

That's one of the key components to being a samurai.

Hell yeah, dude.

You know, they said Samson's power was his hair.

Mm-hmm.

Well, how do you think he held it?

Yeah.

What is he supposed to do?

Let his power just

flop all over the plate?

Yeah, right.

Yes, it's a beam.

It's like a focused beam of energy.

That's what a ponytail is.

You fucking assholes.

Yeah, Nick used to have a ponytail.

And people made fun of him on Twitch about it.

It's weird.

It's funny because I like completely forgot about that.

And then it's like, yeah, why did I do that?

Why did I let that happen to myself?

Did your mom like it?

No, I was in a relationship for like two years and like I had long hair and she was sort of into long hair, but she just stopped fucking me.

I mean, we didn't fuck for like eight months towards the end.

And it's like, was it because of that?

100%.

Yeah.

I know.

I've had all these insecurities my whole life.

She's cheating on you.

No, eventually she did, but she was honest about it.

Which is nice because it's like the whole time I had just assumed she was.

And then when she finally did, it was like, oh,

that means you weren't the entire time.

So it's like, I found out I was getting cheated on, but really, I was finding out that I hadn't been cheated on.

You weren't getting cheated on four months.

It wasn't as bad as I thought.

You get.

It's like when you find out that that tumor you've had, you're just filled with tumors.

And you're like, well, it's not cancer.

Yeah.

That's what happened to me.

Yeah.

In my mouth.

Yeah.

And you're like, guess what?

I just have a giant tumor on my face.

I just have

yeah right that food gets into

the other the guys who cheated on you have a ponytail uh yeah he had a sweeter more

ponytail yeah he just conditioned his hair into

gorgeous ponytail chop to split ends yeah

yeah what if you got cheated on because your ponytail wasn't good enough you had highlights i don't know i mean yeah i guess yeah that's the flaw if you go long hair you better be careful because it could very easily turn into ponytail absolutely you get one or two jobs or they make you do that and then

you realize the convenience.

It's pretty convenient.

Yeah.

I was going to say.

You go to traffic court one time.

Yeah.

You know, that's lights out for you.

Absolutely.

Dude, when I had long hair back in my high school days, I was a big fan of the little hair.

You never once put it back.

No, no, I was just going to say, I was a big fan of the little pony up top.

Yeah.

I would do that shit.

That was a good look.

That became like a sort of...

Well, you never once put it back behind your head.

I never did, no.

Never.

Never, really, sincerely, never.

I guess I should feel bad about that.

It wasn't that long.

It was like shoulder length, maybe.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, my hair got long as shit.

Oh, really?

We're talking titties and below?

Oh, yeah, down to here.

Because I didn't cut my hair for like two years.

God damn.

Did you do a thousand?

Fucking straight homeschooled.

Looking like a mom who homeschools her kids.

Oh, yeah.

That's some fucked up hair.

That's probably the worst kind of hair, is homeschooled mom.

They all have that same haircut, the homeschool haircut.

It's sort of like the longest shit and it's frizziest.

Do you remember that story about that dad that didn't let any of his kids leave the house for the ones who watched California?

Also, I got to say it again, I guess, because with the SPD guys, anytime I've mentioned Reddit, there's these people that go on our Reddit, and he's like, how come he never talks about the subreddit?

It's like, I talk about it all the fucking time.

I've acknowledged it numerous times.

Did someone say that?

Yeah.

There's always just some idiot that doesn't think I look at the fucking subreddit.

I'll acknowledge him all the time.

I love the subreddit.

They're mean to this small dick.

They were, which is like, and somebody pointed this out on there, but like, you need to learn how to just fucking enjoy things.

Like, how, what, you think you're going to make it funnier than it already is?

Yeah, yeah.

You're a fucking idiot.

Also, props to Frankie Bianchi for tricking people into thinking he was going to kill himself.

Frankie Bianchi, I publicly called out for not being good at posting.

That's right.

And then he threatened to kill himself because of it.

And then some of the other posters.

And that's what you're giving him props for?

Some of the other posters, who are usually better than Frankie

fell for it, and they said, Don't do it, man.

Gave out their personal phone number.

No.

Oh, so he trolled them.

He did.

So, this is why Frankie just consumed you and took your spot in hierarchy.

Text them.

Oh, I don't know.

Text them pictures.

Probably something stupid.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Some of them Rick Roll videos.

Yeah, meat spin.

I don't know that it's a good idea to be praising people for suicide.

Yeah, yeah.

So now our second-go-suicide arm culture.

A fake suicide army.

As fake suicide.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, we've created, or maybe I've created

a weird death cult that we're all a part of.

And either you lean in and you try to find the eye of the storm or you let this shit kill you.

There's no out at this point.

We should just start a religion.

You're the fucking god of destruction and death.

I'm like the happy Buddha character.

You're sort of smiling.

I'm joy.

I'm bacchus.

Yeah.

You're like fat and eating a lot.

Yeah.

And then you're like someone who's gay.

I'm like Pan.

I'm like kind of a fairy, but maybe I've goats.

You're a fairy.

Yeah, I'm playing on a lute.

You're the fairy of snitching, the goddess of snitching.

I have a child's upper torso and a goat's lower torso.

But the goat has a little dick for goats.

Of course.

As far as goats go.

As far as goats go, the small has a fit.

You're a Suckleberry Dick.

Thank you for everyone.

Thank you for everyone who came to

Skank Fest.

Top Sawyer and Suckleberry Dick.

One day, Tom was sucking a dick.

And then Suckleberry Dick came by and said,

And the biggest dick of them all.

Tom May said I had to suck the whole, every dick in town.

And the biggest dick of them all belonged to Beep Jim.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Hey, there goes Adam.

Adam's got his confidence back.

I got a lot of confidence from all the really nice people I met at Skank Fest.

Yo, shouts out to everyone.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it They really wanted to go.

I got to say that they were really,

it was really cool to see all those people.

And we're sorry we couldn't do a full show.

Nick and I did not have the confidence to do a full pod without stops.

We could have done it.

And then we did, you know, 20 minutes up top and we could have kept going.

We surprised ourselves.

We did 10 minutes up top and we were running out of steam.

No, that's not true, Nick.

You could have done it with a guest.

We surprised ourselves.

I mean, I wish I could have been there.

You are our beautiful safety blanket.

I mean,

But no, that was it went better than I expected.

I wish I could have been there for the Skanks.

I'm sorry I wasn't there, guys.

I was planning on getting really high.

Oh, yeah, so I popped my...

I didn't even say what happened.

And in the fucking tournament, I fucking.

I jumped two inches off the ground.

No, first of all.

And then gravity did the rest.

It was a very normal motion, and I just heard a fucking...

Pop in the bottom of my fucking foot.

And then like a fucking idiot, I played the rest of the game on one foot.

Because I'm a champion.

Knocked down a couple fucking jumpers off one foot.

No big deal.

Like Dirk.

Yeah, it was funny.

Dave Smith came up to me and he was like, yeah, I was the only one encouraging Stavros to not continue to play on his injured foot.

Yeah, I mean, it was dumb.

That is that libertarian logic.

That's true.

I should have listened.

He used facts and markets in.

He was right.

I don't know why the fuck.

You should have listened.

Although it was really fun, I got to say.

But yeah, and now I'm fucked up.

I have a cast on my fucking left foot.

I can't really fucking walk.

Sav is basically just glued to one spot on his couch, which has kind of a damp ring around him.

Don't smell this fucking cushion.

I'm not going to.

I got to fucking take a shower.

I got to put a bag around my fucking cast and then put a towel on that shit.

I'll put a bag around your cast, will you?

If you know what I'm talking about, I don't.

My cock?

Your cock.

That's pretty fucking sexy.

Where's the time?

We are at, I want to say 15 minutes.

Oh,

10 minutes.

All right.

I'm about to go out of town for a couple days, guys.

Oh, yeah.

I'm jealous.

Yeah.

I'm needing the woods.

I need the woods right now.

Yeah, we're going to a national park.

I'm really...

I need to get out of here.

A white national park.

White national park.

All the user V's.

We should go to, when we go to that fucking trip down south, we should go to the fucking woods.

Yeah, I'm going to North Crackalaca.

Yeah, you're going to.

So if you want to kick my ass, I will be in the state of North Carolina.

Somewhere in North Carolina.

Somewhere, you can just look for me.

Mm-hmm.

We'll be a just a car full of Jews.

It's not gonna be a car.

It's gonna be an RV.

Damn.

Recreational vehicle.

That and there's a lot of stuff.

I'm really stoked about it.

Although I'm nervous about it.

Can you drink in the back?

Is it still an open container?

Who cares, dude?

If someone's driving...

Who gives a fucking RV?

There's no laws in an RV.

It's because that's the thing.

That's why you can do whatever you want.

You can fuck whoever you want.

The chilling starts immediately once everyone gets into the RV.

Of course.

It's not like you would

get to the place.

Well, there's one one sober guy.

Well, then he can drive, but it's going to be like, to get down there, it's going to be like 12 hours.

We don't have to do shifts.

That's brutal.

When's the last time you went on a fucking big-ass road trip?

I haven't been on one in forever.

Yeah.

You went across America with Brandon Wardell.

It's hilarious.

He wouldn't share a fucking bed with me, that fucking slut.

You wanted to share a bed with Brandon?

For cost-cutting measures.

He made you get your own hotel.

He already got an Airbnb, and I was like, yeah, motherfucker, we're just going to split a bed.

He made you sleep on the floor.

He slept on the fucking floor.

That's such a classic brand.

I wasn't sleeping on the fucking floor.

So selfish.

He slept on the floor to his credit, but I think he was trying to get me to sleep on the floor.

Oh, my God.

What?

Travis Barker almost died again.

Oh, no, dude.

This guy can't stop almost dying.

Sorry.

Nick, what are you looking at on your fucking phone, man?

Trying to find

good content.

Let's see what I'm doing.

It is in my heart.

Here's some good content.

My heart hurts and it's tight from having a little too much fun the other day.

Yeah, Nick.

Dude, y'all had bad things.

You know what?

You guys need to stop predicting my death.

That's something I can't deal with.

Nick, Deathpool?

Yeah, I mean, look, we all know it's going to happen.

Yeah.

All right?

But just, you know, it's your opening.

Let me just peek at the Christmas presents.

No, don't.

Nick and I were talking last night.

Wouldn't it be funny if it ended up being anorexia nervosa that did him in?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've had this weird thing where the last like two and a half days I haven't had any appetite.

I just went 48 hours without eating and I didn't even think about it.

I'm jealous.

Just laying in bed wasting fuzzy.

Dude, it's been wild out here.

Since I got hurt, me and Eldis have just gone buck-ass fucking wild.

I think you may have...

gained 10 pounds and Nick may have lost 10 pounds.

That's what I took the appetite from you, brother.

Yeah.

We didn't give it back.

We had some back-to-back nights where it's whole pots.

I was saying

the other day, I'm ready for the Chinese to come in and just throw me in a fucking labor camp.

I can't imagine how that wouldn't be better than my life.

There's so many ways.

I really mattress will be better.

You'll sleep on a nicer thing.

You'll have television now, but you don't back in the prison camp.

I just want to be in prison by the Chinese.

No, man.

It's so funny that

the Chinese concentration camp, like Nick, with just a full grin on his face.

Just a big smile on my face.

You would do great.

Don't get me wrong.

So I want watching everybody around me die, waiting for it to happen myself.

Yeah, but they wouldn't kill you.

Of course not.

They'd just break my shoulders.

They'd put me in the fucking ropes and snap my shoulders.

I'd just writhe in pain on the bottom of a cell.

I can't wait to be a traitor to the America and the Chinese.

Yeah, how are we going to make the Chinese like us when they take over?

Right, well, they would probably assume you're some kind of deity.

Exactly, dude.

Yeah.

Exactly, Karama.

I'm Buddha, dude.

I'm the lord of the fuck of the lord of fucking mirth.

How are we going to prove our worth to the Chinese

dumpling eating?

Zhi Jingping or whatever.

I will be a competitive dumpling eater.

I don't know about you guys.

You're going to be a dumpling eater?

Yeah, I don't think they have competitive eating competitions.

Yes, they do.

I think

it's a good thing.

How about competitive shitting competitions?

I'm not as good at it.

You go to Coney Island and there's a Japanese guy that just opens his asshole and he's like, what?

He just takes the biggest shit in the entire world.

And all these huge, fat American guys try to outshit him, but they can't because they've destroyed their GI tract by overeating.

Whereas that Japanese guy trains for one thing.

What's the hot dog guy?

What's his name?

Kobayashi.

These people have such beautiful turds.

I've had some tough ones, man.

Kobayashi is amazing.

He's like jacked.

He's not that jacked.

And he can

squeeze his stomach.

No, he can like squeeze the hot he's like make his stomach into a trash compactor to make more space.

That's pretty cool.

There's that episode of King of the Hill where it's the ring of fat stops fat American competitors if your stomach expands.

You got King of the Pill, and it's the guy that's like,

I sell OxyContin.

And OxyContin expands.

There you go.

That's good.

Yeah.

Or King of the Pill, and he's like, you can come inside of me.

I won't get pregnant.

Bobby, go ahead and bust inside of me.

I'm on the pill.

Will you bust inside just off rip?

No, right?

That's crazy.

What do you mean?

If someone says I'm on the pill, will you bust inside?

I always bust inside.

Even if they're a stranger, two pumps.

Dude,

the bustings inside I've done in like so many just like

well, not so many, but situations where it's like, do not crazy.

Crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where it's like just an absolute mistake.

You've never impregnated?

No, never.

I think I've got like just fucked up mutant cum because there's been numerous times rumors, like, yeah, I didn't get my period for like two months, and then it just bled horrifically.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, that happens.

Yeah, that's the Lord vetoing you having a son.

Yeah, for sure.

No, it's your God stepping in there.

Your sperm only promotes stillbirth.

Yeah, I'm probably just going to adopt a chimp at some point later in my life.

Bubbles.

Yeah.

But teach it to rip off faces.

Like Dexter.

That's so cool.

Because

that's the plot of Dexter.

It's like you adopt a chimp, and all these people are like, No, Mr.

Pringles wouldn't rip off faces.

So they just ignore that

hidden element of the chimp.

But if you start day one and you say, Look, you stumb monkey fuck,

I know you want to rip my dick and face off.

So we're going to practice that.

Only harness that.

Only people I disagree with on the internet.

I teach it to show it pictures of Liam

and keep Liam in check.

The yin and yang of my online enforcement army.

Liam and the chimp and a chip.

That chimp.

I stick Liam on people.

And in case Liam ever turns on me, I got that chimp that's ready to

rip all of his cystic acne right off his face.

Wouldn't you be doing him a solid in that case?

Yeah, probably.

In fact, Liam would probably look a lot better if his face was ripped off by a chimp.

Oh, that's mean.

I used to have cystic acne.

Yeah.

Real something real.

It was the worst.

You went on Accutane.

I went on Accutane.

I don't want to push it.

My back acne came back now at 29 years old.

Because you're cycling.

You know, it's so funny because people think that, and I'm like, not.

And then, you know, I get acne and I have anger problems.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe someone's slipping you.

I mean, who gives a shit?

You're getting refeed steroids.

What if someone was secretly giving you steroids and that's why you're jacked now?

Maybe.

Yeah, I just haven't been going to the gym at all.

Somebody's just been injecting steroids into my brainstem while I'm asleep.

Would that work, dude?

I would do that shit.

Yes.

How do I get jacked with no or work whatsoever?

I'm scared I'm gonna die, dude.

I can't be in this fucking story.

You could just be black.

I'm scared, dude.

That's true.

That's a good point.

Yeah, you're not gonna die, dude.

You could walk in 10 days, they said.

Yeah, but those are those are gonna be a tough ten days.

So you gotta find some you gotta do like uh old lady chair exercises, like exercises old ladies can do like while they're sitting in a chair.

Okay.

Like raising your arms up into the sides.

Okay.

Calisthetics.

All right.

Oh, yes, Richard Simmons.

How much have you been beating off?

I have not been.

I've been kind of sad, dude.

I'm scared, dude.

I'm scared to beat you.

Maybe you should.

You maybe should beat off.

Try to

correct your shit.

Actually, I'd beat off a couple.

I mean, medically speaking, you probably.

It's so funny how much that solves.

Jacking off.

And it's kind of fucked up because I'll get into a real dark place and I'll just beat off and then it's like, man, here I am.

Yeah, you know, I'm addicted to cock.

It's like you're pulling yourself out of the woods.

It's good.

It's meant for that.

Yeah.

You're supposed to come a bunch, I think.

You're supposed to come once a day.

Yeah.

For your cock, your cock health.

Is that true?

Well, it's going to be so funny when all those no-fap guys just get prostate cancer at like 34.

Yeah, exactly.

It's for prostate.

Yeah.

It's as dumb as if you were like, yeah, this is the no, we hold our breath as long as we can throughout the day.

And that's got to be really good for our brain and lungs.

I'm team no shit.

I'm team no shit.

Yeah, yeah.

My friend was telling me about, it's like my best friend growing up.

We went to different schools.

But

he told me about this kid at his school that held his shit in so long, he was anal retentive, held his shit in too long that he impacted his fucking colon and they had to like

install a colostomy bag.

So he just, this kid had a bag of shit because he

wouldn't unclench his asshole.

And it's so funny that, like, Freud just figured all that out.

He's like, some kids just hold in all the shit in their ass

because

they're not developed properly.

Yeah.

Mentally.

Wait, he was retarded?

I don't know.

I don't know.

But

you know what's a fun game is

shoving dice in your ass.

Oh, yeah.

A game of chance.

A game of chance.

And you can place bets on it even.

Whether the dice will come out of your ass or not.

Yeah, and what numbers will they be?

And that's a type of bet you can place on betdsi.com.

Really?

Yeah.

Bet thesi.com, the premier sports betting website that also offers betting on things like shoving dice in your ass and then

shitting them out and guessing the numbers.

That's Bangkok's side.

They call that

Hooverville Yahtzee, baby.

Hooverville.

When you live in your shanty shanty town, you can't afford a Yahtzee cup, just shove some dice up your ass.

That's interesting.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

And it'll make you feel full because you've been eating paint.

That's right.

Paint that you've been stealing off the shut-down schoolhouse.

Anyways, check it out on betsi.com.

Download their award-winning mobile app.

It's easy to use.

Play, bet, win.

You can bet anywhere.

They offered live in-game wagering.

That's right.

So you can change your mind on things.

Which I love doing.

I love completely contradicting myself.

Waffling, flip-flopping.

A little fucking John Kerry Believing in John Karen, believing in nothing.

Wealthy Face Carey.

Remember that fucking board they had him on?

Where he was flip-floppers?

Uh-huh.

Surfboard?

That's you.

Yeah.

You can bet on the 2004 presidential election.

You could.

You could go back to the business.

Yep.

And you can do it all on BetDSI.

Bet DSI.com, bitch.

Another thing you missed.

You guys have picks.

Here's the thing, too.

When you do the picks, you have to make sure that they're not for things that will happen before the episode is released

which has been a problem we've encountered yeah yeah i predicted plenty of good accurate things well i don't fucking know man baseball's on now the world cup just ended my picks were kind of dog shit i'll admit that i said belgium was gonna win my bad i fucked up um

uh i don't know what the fuck is there even coming up baseball baseball kind of sucks dick i think it's all star game star game uh-huh bet the fucking a l dude fucking uh-huh i have no idea what's going on in baseball here's the thing either the the AL wins or the NL wins.

So true.

So I'm going to say NL.

So it's like a, okay, I picked the AL.

I picked the NL.

Gentlemen are our locks of the week.

Those are our locks of the week.

One of us is going to be right.

Right.

I say it's, you know, a draw out to 17 innings, and they just give the medal to a retarded kid.

They pick a retarded kid out of the stands.

That's good.

And they let him eat the baseball.

Do you get home field for the World Series?

No, that stopped.

That stopped?

Yeah.

That was dumb as shit.

That's dumb.

All-star games in general are pretty dumb.

Well, it's a nice summertime.

The steam team was cool this year.

It was alright.

How they picked up Derby LeBron versus Team.

Yeah, that was tight.

Yeah.

So yeah, pick.

So bet that on betsi.com.

Betthsi.com.

Use promo code capital C lowercase um 25 to get a free $25 wager and they'll match your deposit up to 200%.

So you put you slam that fucking money down.

Damn it, motherfucker.

You just slam your hand right on that asshole.

You ever do that?

You ever play a bitch's asshole like a French guy's mouse?

100%.

You ever want to know that?

Hey, man, it's me, Pierre.

You know, like that.

Better sci.com, check it out.

Anyways, we're back.

You know, you fuck a bitch good when her asshole goes home.

When it starts speaking French.

That's right.

Did France win the World Cup?

Yes, they did.

There's a bunch of French people on the train singing,

what is it, LA La Bleu?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

and i was i had no idea they were just drinking modello tall boys on the train yeah and it's like oh i hope your french ass goes to jail shut up not in my country yeah stop it with that language i saw it i saw a bunch of fucking crushpunks just take over in our train they had their fucking dog walk disgusting just loose no leash disgusting get a job they were real deal crush punks too not just like around here motherfuckers is it true that most crush punks are like middle class i don't fuck or did someone did i make that up You probably made it up.

Alright, whatever.

I mean, who's doing that research?

Yale, actually, Nick.

The university.

I knew a kid named Yale growing up.

Yale?

Mm-hmm.

And not even growing up, he went to high school with me, and he had a name tag that said Yale at a college event.

And I walked up and I was like, what's up, man?

You going to Yale?

Pretty good, huh?

You got his ass.

Another thing you missed at Skank Fest was free Bet DSI swag.

What?

I got Bet DSI hat.

I got Bet DSI polo.

Are you kidding?

I got a Bet DSI t-shirt.

I want to rep the squad.

Yeah, dude.

I'm going to be coming through with that Bet DSI shit.

All right,

all summer long.

Fuck, dude.

I got one of those five-panel military style hats with a zipper on the side that says Bet DSI in the front.

Adam, why don't you tell everybody about the movie you saw?

Looks like Zach DeLa Roca.

What?

Why don't you tell everybody about the movie you saw?

I saw, well, I got stomach flu.

I watched three Mission Impossibles.

Damn nice.

And then last night I saw a movie that about it's called Three Identical Strangers.

It's about these three triplets that found each other.

What?

At 19.

Did they start fucking?

And then they all became best friends, got an apartment together in New York City.

What?

Yeah.

That's fucking heartwarming as shit.

And then, turns out that the adoption agency was doing this study in conjunction with this Yale psychologist who was a Holocaust survivor

on twins, which is ironic that a Holocaust survivor would be doing those kinds of things.

Yeah.

But he wanted to know what makes it, you know, it was a whole nature versus nurture thing.

So he put them with three different socioeconomic

families.

And then they visited the kids until they were 18, like doing science experiments on them.

What the fuck?

That's so fucked up.

Yeah, and then, yeah, it was pretty.

Did one of them get fucked up?

Yes.

Am I going to get in trouble for ruining a movie?

No, no.

People get mad at me.

It's a documentary.

One of them committed suicide.

Ah!

Yeah.

What?

The poor one?

He wasn't poor.

They actually all like, it was when they all

became famous, they all got on like Donahue and the Today Show and shit.

And then they were like going to Studio 64.

It was like 1981.

And they were definitely triple teaming girls.

That rocks.

They were like,

they loved to get fucked up.

Can you imagine?

That would be so sick to be 19 and find out you have a twin brother like just to turn the corner on the street and see another stop and be like you fucking rule dude yeah and you go out together

triple team girls that would fucking absolutely yeah um

damn this storm is awesome yeah there's a dude this storm is based the storm is based dude my i love i'm getting into storms dude my friend uh from x-men can get yeah just that's what i meant by storms i meant black women that aren't disgustingly fat

my black women with gray, silver hair.

Yeah.

You know?

Control the weather.

Suck my dick off of the tornado.

Yeah.

Did my nuts.

Fucking whirlpool my nuts.

I don't want to get pegged by a cloud.

Yeah, make a big ass with a cumulo gun.

Yeah, right.

Lower the pressure in my ass so it gets real tight and just blast it open with some thunderbolts.

Hell yeah.

That would rock.

Damn, I would love to be sexually abused by Howie Barrett.

By anybody, really.

You know?

I just want to get abused.

You just want to be just a homeless person.

Really?

I'm into that.

You know, I keep discovering new things about myself.

Yeah.

You'd be interested in being sexually abused by a homeless person.

It would be freeing.

Look at this butt-plug-looking-ass bowl you have.

In what sense would it be freeing?

I mean, you know, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Yeah.

I see.

You surrender it all.

Just being beaten and raped.

Ultimate surrender.

Yeah.

Oh, ultimate surrender.

That is true freedom.

That is the, yeah.

You know, I mean, Hemingway said you can never destroy a man.

You can only defeat him.

And then what happened?

He fucking killed himself by trying to hold that up.

Go ahead.

Destroy my ass.

Yeah.

I'll live forever.

Yeah, who cares?

Fucking turn that shit into a little pile of applesauce.

That's like those guys that get really into being raped in prison.

That's that a type of guy.

Yeah, they get turned out and then they're like, that's right, I'm a prison one.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love it.

Yeah.

I love brushing my hair, it's looking pretty.

Then you get out of jail.

You know, people were like, are you okay?

And you're like, I think so.

You go back to your wife.

It's fascinating what can happen to a human being's mind.

In prison or just anywhere in life.

Just the way people can be distorted and fucked up and traumatized.

Yeah.

Yeah, Stockholm Syndrome's fucked up.

Yeah.

You know, that's one example.

Let's see.

What else?

Hey, this fucking school system.

That's brainwashed.

Yeah, I guess it's like,

I don't know.

So much of like maintaining mental health is like having some kind of understanding of who you are and feeling like there's like some sort of consistency to that.

True, yeah, 100%.

So when like your sense of self is so completely violated that to survive, you have to just reprogram and become somebody different.

It's like...

Yeah, that fucks you up big time.

Which is so fucked up.

Just a little cock-loving slut.

You'd be like, I love this.

This is me.

Yeah, right.

I love wearing mini skirts made out of extra pajama pants from the jail.

Yeah.

I love wrapping my, making a fucking makeshift thong out of gauze from the medical mouth and getting fucked in my ass.

Yeah.

Damn, this storm is about to get bucked.

I love it.

It is.

Twerking for.

Stop.

Where's the time at?

The time is at 30 minutes.

30 minutes, 30 seconds.

Yeah, I guess I should talk about...

Whatever.

I just discussed it.

So I had that Kilstein roast.

Oh, yeah.

I heard you fucking crutch his little bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

I mean, like, that shit makes me think about.

You know, because I don't, it's like, I've taken this hard stance with, like, why are people giving this guy a platform?

I didn't want to do the roast because I don't want to be part of his, like, rehabilitation or whatever.

But I see the guy, and I've never met him once in my life.

Really?

Never met him.

You're just mean to him online.

I was just mean to him online because I I thought he was full of shit.

Sure, which he was.

And which he was.

I mean, that's like...

He is.

Yeah, he is.

He's still full of shit.

And I see him and he's like, buddy, and he's trying to give me a hug and shit.

And he's never met this guy once.

Never met him.

That's wild.

And he's acting like, you know, we're pals or whatever, which is like...

Go ahead and dislike me.

You should fucking dislike me.

I've like publicly criticized you at a time when it was like there was no reason to do that.

I was just being spiteful and shitty.

I mean,

I had, you know, I mean, I was like maybe 40% sure that you were just doing all that as like a put-on to find some kind of place for yourself and like, you know, your career or whatever.

But,

you know, I didn't know.

You should hate me and you should fucking be mean to me when you see me.

Right, right, right.

And then, you know, we do the roast or whatever.

And afterwards, I mean, I felt bad for the guy.

So I'm like, you know, good job or whatever.

But it's like...

Still like, hey, yeah, great.

You know, he sent me a message.

He's like, if you ever need anything, you know,

I don't know.

Well, he's got a lot of power in the entertainment industry.

You need Taekwondo lessons.

He's a real mover and shaker.

Yeah, I don't know.

That's probably what I'm saying.

I mean, he's just scared of you.

I don't even know what I want to say about it.

What part of it's fucking with your head?

I just, I just don't.

The lack of like consistency that someone could have, could just, it just, I don't.

Or like the spectacle of a roast?

Well, no, that's like being like.

I can't put my finger on it, but someone's been fucking with me since that.

That's kind of what you're talking about, though, about like what the hell is that?

You know what it is?

Honestly, because it's like, here's this person, and people are going to hate this.

They don't want to listen to it.

Yeah.

But the honest answer is, like, here's this person that's being nice to me, and I still have this instinct to, like, no, fuck this guy.

I'm going to be mean to him.

Yeah, because he's being disingenuous, though.

But so what?

He's still

afraid of you.

I still have like an empathetic response.

Well, I mean,

I don't feel like I'd ever be in his position because I wouldn't, you know,

you wanted to be somebody for years, and then the second it got, there was some crumbled.

Very few people would do that yeah but the position he's in is like unenviable nobody wants to be you know a pariah on verbalides but it's a terrible

fuck it's his own goddamn fault i mean tell him get him he's just afraid of you nick

okay that's fine that's fine that might motivate whatever he's doing but it's still like i don't

know i don't understand my own impulse to like shun and punish this person because you are someone that abides by certain like like prince of.

No, that's bullshit.

I mean,

not any more than anybody else.

No, that's not true.

You definitely have to have a higher morality.

No, no, I don't.

You don't.

You don't.

You just don't.

I really, I don't.

You don't.

I don't.

I don't.

That's not about me.

It's just, I don't, like, you know, I don't know.

It's been fucking with me.

I don't understand my own impulse to like shut this guy out or like try to.

He's not your fucking friend anymore.

He's not my friend, but I mean, it shouldn't concern me.

I don't know why it does.

And I guess, you know.

So you're saying you should have pitied him.

Well, no, to have to

pity.

I mean, I do.

You pitied the

I do.

But

yeah, I don't know.

Because, you know, it's like in my head, I know, yeah, I wouldn't give this guy a platform.

I don't, you know, whatever.

But then when it's somebody actually, like, you're talking to them face to face and, you know, they're continually trying to hug you and be your friend.

It's like, well, that's fucking hard to,

you know.

But I think that if you're expressing this, I think that that signifies like an an adequate empathetic response to like I'm not trying to gauge a genuinely I'm just saying to a genuinely awkward social interaction between like someone that is like trying to suck your dick because he's afraid of you no you know what it is is because i i have like a big problem with this i guess there's like a uh like a cultural imperative right now to shame and punish people right and like i would like to think that i'm not participating or contributing to that in any way yeah even though i'm like going through the small dick problems ready i was about to say reading them out i was literally about to say and it's like oh i do it all the time yeah yeah.

All the things that, because

that was a problem I had with, you know, because I'm like a, I guess, a free speech guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that, yeah, storm fucking is awesome.

Sigs on a roll and we got a fucking storm.

I want to go to the fucking jungle, you know, and be rained on and raped by branches.

You want to get raped?

Just big ass spiders.

Just big-ass arms in your ass.

No, you know, I'm like kind of like a free speech guy.

And like 2014, where people started like drawing lines in the sand or whatever.

There's plenty of like formerly libertarian guys that eventually just became alt-right.

And then, you know, we do Gavin's show and he's talking about how he gives a shit about free expression.

And then he's like, trans people shouldn't be allowed to talk to children.

Yeah.

You know, and he's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And he's like, why?

What am I supposed to, how am I supposed to explain this to my children?

You know, it's like, they don't really give a shit about freedom or whatever.

Yeah.

And it's like the same thing now where I don't, like, I don't like, and I take it way too far with my, like, you know, where I say, oh, we shouldn't shame this person or address this thing or we should ignore it.

But then I ignore that entirely when it's something convenient to me.

I don't know.

That bothers me.

It fucks with my own sense of like integrity.

And it's like, well, maybe I have as little integrity as Jamie.

It's just put in a position where it's not challenged.

Because what you can do is carve out a way for yourself to

just have a slight enough

divergence from whatever popular opinion is to seem like you're thinking on your own.

But you're not, really.

You're just like slightly pig-headed on a couple of issues.

Right, right, right, right.

And so I guess that's,

yeah, I don't know.

It's been fucking with me a lot.

Well,

I guess the point of a roast is to shame, right?

It is to roast.

It's not the roast.

No, the roast.

The point of the roast is to be funny.

I mean, I enjoy doing the roast.

By being mean, by shaming someone.

I mean, by writing jokes and doing jokes.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

But, like,

yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I've enjoyed, you know, I mean, Jamie had a good, Jamie's joke about a cometown is named after my mustache is a funny joke.

That's a good joke.

Yeah.

I enjoy being part of a comedy show.

Sure.

So it's not the roast itself.

It's like,

no, it's my own impulses.

Because I didn't

want to.

I want to not be nice or to be nice?

No, I'll tell you what it is.

It's like, my impulse was to say, I don't want to fucking do this roast.

I don't want anything to do with this guy.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

You know, doing the roast itself is nice.

It's nicer for me to do the fucking roast than to not do the roast and say, shut this guy out.

Right, right, right, right, right.

You know, I mean, if he wants to rehabilitate his image, I mean, he did get railroaded over a fucking bullshit thing, but it's also like

he's not actually friends with us, just like he wasn't actually friends with all the people he threw under the bus when he took a hard 180 after he was accused of shit.

I mean, whatever.

I don't know.

I don't see that.

I know it's not funny, but whatever.

Fuck it.

I have a podcast.

I can talk about things if I want to.

But I don't see that as an issue.

I don't see your response as a fucking, particularly as an issue or showing that you don't fucking...

Like, I don't see that as a problem to have that.

Ultimately, you did the fucking roast.

You didn't shut him out.

But even if you wanted to shut him out, then who gives a fuck?

Yeah, also, if you said you didn't want to do it because you don't want to be part of whatever he's doing, that would have been fine too.

Yeah, you know,

I felt like I had to because I don't want people saying, like, oh, Malin's afraid to do it.

No, but that was the only reason I would say that.

That's people pressuring you.

That's not.

You would have been fine.

Well, I mean, it's, I'd like,

because I'm not, and I'm, you know, I just don't like doing roasts because I think they're a stupid gimmick.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd rather just be bad at stand-up comedy.

I'd rather just continue to do mediocre, feature-level stand-up comedy

and have

sold-out headlining shows where people come to see me and then just sort of do my job.

Nah, dude, the more shows you do, the better you'll get.

I guess, man.

I'm jealous of how much you still care about stand-up.

I love stand-up.

I wish I still had that in my heart.

It's the only thing I care about.

Instead of fantasies of being

demoralized in a Chinese prison.

Having four-day-old Lo Main poured on your head.

Just being scalded by Chinamen.

Forced to clean a toilet with my tongue.

Nah, dude, it's fun.

I bet you if you get on the road, you'll fucking enjoy it.

Yeah.

Because doing a couple hours in a night feels good, dude.

It feels like you're fucking making progress.

Yeah, you seem pretty energized after poor Love.

That was great.

I can't wait.

In September, I got a whole racket dates that I'm doing.

Yeah, that is cool.

What about this Jamie Philstein?

And we fill his ass with cum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm listening.

Or gay me,

Dickstein,

and gay, of course, G-Y-Me.

You got him.

And you can't object to that because he's not an SJW anymore.

That's right.

That's fucked up.

Let's check in, man.

See, what I like to do, Nick, is never worry about any of the

never think about a code, like how I should behave.

Just try and fucking...

I don't know.

I don't really know.

Try and have sex.

Although I'm tired of that, too.

I think I'm celibate.

Well, I'm like naturally bad at social skills, so I'll always be insecure about that.

So I'd like to overthink.

How am I supposed to behave?

Because I'm a robot.

Right, right, right, right.

So I can't.

If I didn't think about how I'm supposed to behave, I would probably be in jail.

You're a lot less of a robot than you give yourself credit for.

Like, I think that you have the right social impulses.

Well, I don't want to turn this into like a pity party or whatever.

It's not a pity party.

I think you're a gay bitch, actually.

Yeah, you are also gay.

I think you're also a bitch.

You're also a homosexual man.

See, this is a problem.

We don't hang out as boys.

We have earnest conversations on the podcast.

I should be avoiding at all costs.

I've been lazy.

I've been laughing about how you keep talking about gay men kissing your neck and chest.

That's hot, bro.

Yeah, it's sexy.

It's sexual.

Speaking of...

Neck and chest.

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And we're back to my struggle session.

Nah, dude, it's all right.

Yeah.

We're all going to, we're, we're, I think we're probably due for a pretty depressing because Adam is about to leave, so we're probably going to have another Come Town Classic when we're sad.

Because I'm sad about my foot.

Yeah.

Dude, I was depressed all weekend because I was like vomiting.

I was alone, dude.

Just in the.

Oh, me and the...

We all had a bad weekend.

It was a tough one.

Yeah.

But you know what, guys?

We've got...

Have you guys ever been immobile?

Have you ever been forced in your home for extended periods of time?

I got shingles after I told my parents I was going to be, I wanted to be a clown and not a lawyer.

You got shingles?

Yeah.

I got so stressed out, I got shingles.

Damn.

How long did you have to stay in the home?

I was in bed for like a week.

Damn, bro.

Yeah, it's like chicken pox, but it like was on my chest and it like wraps around to your back.

What the fuck?

Yeah, it was fucked up.

Never mind.

I watched all of Mad Men.

What?

Never an injury, Nick?

Do you ever have like anything weird?

No, just the flu.

I've never been late.

You've never been fucked up?

Damn.

Never.

You guys ever had surgery?

Just really bad hangovers and shit.

Oh, yes.

I used to love that part of a hangover, actually.

Yeah, dude.

I used to be awful.

And I was miserable and I would just lay on the floor of the shower and throw up directly into the drain.

I'm serious.

I like having a reason to feel like this.

Exactly.

You're like, I can't help it.

It's the alcohol that's making

horrible.

This is why I want to die.

Yes, dude.

I love that.

And you're sweating and the sweat smells like alcohol.

Yeah, sometimes you just drink for the hangover.

Dude, I mean, I eat like that.

The best part of eating like shit, I mean, it tastes great, but then like when you just fucking feel like shit and you just have to lay down and it's like your body's slowly shutting down.

This shit sucks.

I'm so tired of it.

I wish I could just be happy.

I'm so, I just hate this so much.

I know.

And it'll just never end.

Yay, man, you could go to therapy.

I've told you a hundred times no that won't maybe

the focus is like on happiness is the wrong focus maybe no one will ever really what about happiness yeah that's the way to think about it tap that act

you'll never be happy and neither will anyone else right no man

you will be happy what are you being a bitch for i feel like i've been getting happy if you're never gonna be happy then then it doesn't matter if you're not happy

That's some fucking dumbass Buddhist shit, dude.

Yeah, I'm Buddhist, dude.

I've been learning about Buddha.

People seem to go Buddhist.

I've been smoking that Indonesia, dude.

People seem to go Buddhist and claim it's like a religion.

Is it?

What?

Isn't it feeling that?

Did you hear that sentence?

Yeah, people go Buddhist and claiming that it's a religion.

Isn't it like a dude?

And claim to think that it's a religion.

Isn't it just meditation?

I wish I could be as dumb as stop.

You could be, dude.

Dude, that's it.

Just fucking surrender.

Don't think.

Say whatever the fuck comes into your head.

The thing is, isn't it more?

It's not like as hardcore as being like a fucking Muslim or Catholic or some shit.

Well, nothing's as hardcore as being a Muslim.

Yeah, dude.

You got to get different clothes.

Yeah.

Yep.

You got to get chin-strapped beard.

Yeah.

Well, being an Orthodox Jew.

You got to get different clothes for that, too.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

There's plenty of people.

Thank you to the cumboy who DM'd me that video of that Orthodox guy in a strip club just getting just the fattest ass just slamming against his cock.

Just getting absolutely destroyed by this stripper.

Yeah, um, I want to watch an Orthodox rubber.

In the East Village at that

Schwitz, at the Russian baths,

they uh

they're orthodox guys.

It's like co-ed, and girls are in bikinis, and then there'll be orthodox guys like sitting next to girls in bikinis, which they most certainly are not allowed to do.

Hell yeah, and they'll be sitting there like

are they hard?

You can tell that they're like going to go jack off so furiously to it.

That rocks.

But yeah, they all have like terrible, like spindly, awful bodies, and they're like still wearing yarmulkas in the sauna.

Yeah, it's really disgusting.

That's fucked up.

One of them was going on a rant once when I was there about how de Blasio is putting socialism into the school textbooks.

Well, it's true.

Yeah, it is.

Speaking of some good stuff.

You were saying earlier that Alexandria Casio-Cortez, your girlfriend, is already cucked on Israel?

Oh, yeah.

So now we are actually officially dating.

I've told her to revise her Israel stance.

I'm dating Black Dasha.

Oh, yeah.

Who is Black Dasha?

I have no idea.

Someone sent that to me, and she looks good.

Yeah.

What if we did start dating Black Dasha?

How would you feel, Adam?

I'd feel great, dude.

I feel like we could be real brothers.

If she had siblings, I'd tell you to date them.

Can I date her mom and dad?

Yo,

Adam wants to date.

That's all I'll say.

That's all I'll say.

I saw, speaking of someone's dad, I watched a Celebrity Family Feud, a clip,

and Jeff Dunham's daughter daughter

could get it.

She's a puppet?

Is Lena Dunham?

She's got, yeah, it's Lena Dunham.

She's got a fucked-up jaw.

There's like an imperfection there, which I think it's like, it's like when you buy, when dented cans of soup are cheaper.

Yeah.

I think I could get it.

And then you know she's rich as hell because Jeff Dunham is rich as fuck.

Uh-huh.

So I think I'm going to try and marry Jeff Dunham's daughter.

That other guy, Bill Ingville.

How about Jeff Cummum?

And the puppets are glued together.

He's like, hey, y'all, watch this.

I don't even know what he's saying.

He's just fucking an ammo.

Over 80 million tickets sold this year to Jeff Cummum.

The man who fucks puppets.

Hey, it's me, Ahmed, the dead terrorist.

Please don't fuck my ass.

Bad news, Ahmed.

This is for 9-11.

Oh, shit.

I just got really dizzy.

Damn, maybe you should eat, dude.

Yeah, I haven't eaten for two days.

Yeah, not really.

I miss when you used to do this and just get obsessed with kids getting fucked in the ass by old Jewish messages.

This isn't mania, though.

I'm like, man, I fucking.

This is like a slowdown.

I'm so tired of not having a normal head.

Dude, go to therapy, man.

Just go to fucking therapy.

How many fucking times are we going to have this conversation?

Or we could do crime.

I should.

I'm probably going to lose it soon if I don't.

There we go.

Yes, thank you.

But your attitude is always like, well, I don't want to find out I've had a broken leg my whole life and then fix it.

Because then what about those 30 years of me having a broken leg?

It's kind of like that girl that was cheating on you.

Sort of.

Right, exactly like that.

It's kind of like

the inverse.

I get it.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Yeah.

No, it'd be like if, like, did you cheat on me with John or whatever?

And she's like, no, no, but John.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been cheating on you for your entire life.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Basically, everybody at the GameStop, yeah.

Everybody works there.

Who would be the funniest person to ever cuck you?

Like, who could you never get over?

What do you mean?

Like, what kind of guy would be hilarious if, like, your girlfriend, like,

GameStop employee is pretty good.

Like, if your manager or whatever, that one guy who shits.

Yeah, but he's a shit.

I think that Roscoe guys.

Roscoe.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think it's pretty cool.

Oh, no.

I was cucked by like a loser.

It was not like, yeah.

It was one of those situations where it's like, I'm hanging out with this guy to make fun of him.

Dude, I got cucked.

I got cucked so hard.

Oh, that's

just like the hardest cucking you could imagine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it fucked me up for like a long time.

Like years.

Yeah.

But then, you know, you come out of it as like somebody that's just really solidified their defense mechanisms.

You don't trust anyone anymore.

Don't trust anyone.

Never trust a bitch.

Yeah, but

I'm a pretty funny guy.

I get it.

I'm pretty good at saying things.

Dude, that's what happened to me in high school.

Did I tell you the girl that was my girlfriend?

She called me one time, and I tried to do a bit about this, but it would never work.

And she called me and she was like, I accidentally got fingered last year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, wow, yeah, this girl goes, I blacked out and I woke up and there was condoms everywhere.

I'm not even that.

Don't tell me that.

You don't even tell me there were condoms everywhere.

Yeah, don't make it graphic.

Just say I fucked someone.

Yeah.

I had to ice my pussy

for days after that.

There was all sorts of butt clubs.

But I'm telling you, man, because I was doing stand-up at the time, and something like that happens, and you were just a beast

for like six months.

It just turns you into like the best comic.

Dude, whenever I've had, like, yeah.

I remember when you went through the breakup in D.C.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you got, your stand-up got like a bunch of things.

Yeah, me and you.

We were going through the ringer at the same time.

Yeah, we both got good at stand-up.

I can't wait for this podcast to just talk, be us talking about how we used to be funny.

Yeah, we're almost there.

Are we old men though this is Congress?

This is a funny streak.

I mean, look at my foot.

My foot popped because I grabbed a rebound in a podcaster's basketball game.

Yeah, dude.

I'm going to die soon.

We fucking suck, dude.

I got to exercise more, man.

I'm going to kill myself.

I need to settle down with this.

We should get a canoe together and just go out to the middle of the lake.

Just, hell yeah.

Just have a couple of nice cliff bars out in the middle of the lake.

The three boys.

I love that idea.

I can find you a catfish in the lake and fry it up for you.

Just feed my friend Stavros.

Raw catfish.

Oh, fuck.

They're so gross looking.

Catfish?

They taste good.

Charlie Bronson of the Sea.

Yeah, they've got mustaches.

Fuck, dude, I gotta shower after this.

It's gonna be hard, dude.

I gotta fucking put a bag on my cast.

Broke a mirror today, so I got seven years bad luck.

Damn.

It is just not my fucking week, dude.

I like woke up.

I was like, I gotta get something done.

I just wanted to hang that medicine cabinet.

Place it against the fucking wall while I go get my level.

And somehow it just falls.

No.

It falls leaning against the wall.

And then I guess it was top-heavy or something, but it came off leaning and just fucking smashed

the floor.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

I know.

Seven years.

Start the clock.

Yeah.

Seven years, bad luck.

When you turn 36, you'll have regular ass luck again.

Yep.

Damn, it's going to be fucking gay to be old, man.

Yeah.

Seven years from now.

That's going to suck, dick.

Yeah, for a while, I was kind of looking forward to my 30s, but considering, like, my feelings don't abate, it's like, nah, it'll probably suck, too.

Nah, 30s will probably be good.

After that, no, dude, we're going to be adults, dude.

We're going to wear suits every day.

Your 30s have already started, Adam.

I don't know.

Yeah, Adam, you're 30 too.

Yeah, we're 30.

Meanstock, 29-year-old young men.

The youth of the presentation.

We still got some fire in our hearts.

You're talking about having kids and getting married and shit.

Yeah.

I'm talking about Ferrari conventions.

You know, monster energy.

Yeah.

Leather beef.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Playing Xbox with my Latino friends.

My Geek Squad Latino friends.

Thai import models.

Just girls sitting on top of Acuras.

I love dude.

Catch me in an R.

Getting really into butterfly knives.

Oh, fuck.

I watched Face Off recently.

Such a good movie.

Shit rocks.

You know what?

Fucking...

I watched Baywatch too, the rock one.

The new one with Zach Evron?

Was it Back Evo?

What about Dick Off, right?

And he swaps dicks with a dude that's just fucking his wife.

That girl with the best tits ever is in that movie.

Oh, yes, she is.

They don't really check him off.

Your sister's in the middle.

The Dario?

Shut up, dude.

Shut up.

I wasn't talking about my sister.

Okay.

I was just saying, she has.

I was going to say that.

My sister's got the second best tits ever, dude.

Nice pair.

Shut up.

Nice pair on that shit.

Shut the fuck up.

You shut up.

He's not lying.

No, no.

Do you recognize that your sister has a nice pair?

No, I don't.

I mean, come on, objectively.

If she had strong arms, you would recognize that.

I recognize my little brother's jacked.

Right.

He's got big arms and thick thighs.

My sister, when I look at her, her tits are pixelated.

She looks like she's on cops.

That makes sense.

She didn't sign the release.

What about her pussy?

Her face, all of her.

She's like,

she's got just the juiciest little pussy.

Come on, guys.

Just say it tastes good.

That's all we're saying.

Come on, guys.

Just say it's got a sweet little strawberry aftertaste to it.

You finish it up, you're like, what is that?

Did someone just light a candle?

Oh, no.

Is that a glade plug-in?

Oh, it's coming from my mouth.

Little afterburn on that sweet cooch.

Please leave.

She's a much better person, like fresh lavender in here.

Uh-huh.

She doesn't just have any ire from our community that abuses men with small penises on Reddit.

Yeah.

Although we totally started that, so we can't really.

Those threads were so funny.

I mean, it was, that was.

I can't believe they ruined it.

Put your face near the mic, man.

Me?

Yeah.

Somebody had a pose that made me laugh because there was someone on our Reddit that was like,

anybody else got a pencil dick?

Yeah.

And they were like, where it's real long but thin.

We're kind of in this in-between place.

Not quite gods, not quite men.

Just like they're fallen angels

doomed to walk the earth for day long.

Damn, my fucking foot is.

I think that

girls say that that's bad.

I thought.

A long, skinny cock.

Yeah.

That depends, I guess.

If you have a skinny pussy.

I've heard that

short.

Short thick is better than long, skinny.

Yeah.

But that's a lot of justice.

There's so many ways to be unattractive.

Yeah, that's true.

You know?

Just see all your flaws as a whole and don't worry about it.

Transcendent.

That's, if anything, could be our message to the SDP subreddit.

That's right.

It's not that you're bad.

It's just your little dick.

Yeah, right.

You're just so much more worse than that.

You're such a bitter piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah.

You're a bad person.

You've got a bad personality.

It's such an easy thing to overcome.

Some people are in fucking wheelchairs and their dicks don't work at all.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know?

And they still fuck.

He's like, oh, well, people still have respect for those people in the world.

No, they don't.

We pretend to.

Those guys are underbraiding.

We pretend.

Like you don't laugh uncontrollably in your car when you see somebody going up a wheelchair ramp.

You say, look at that stupid asshole.

Look at that fucking retard.

Look at that leg's retard.

Not able to.

Physically retarded.

Yeah, dude.

I mean,

as a new member of the disabled community.

Yeah, you are disabled.

Shit sucks, dude.

I can't even imagine that.

You have a disability.

I want to get a fucking.

I want to get a robotic leg.

Bionics?

Nick is straight up having a fucking.

You're straight up having a bunch of money.

Yeah, I don't feel well.

Oh, come on, brother.

Dude.

You know what?

We're going to have a good head.

I just drank that baby food.

One of your pedialites.

You need to have a good meal, Nick.

I know, but every time I eat, I feel like I want to throw it.

He came over last night at 10 or 11 and I made him dinner because I was so sad my boy wasn't eating.

I really got to piss.

Piss in my mouth.

I'll piss in your goddamn mouth.

You can go piss, man.

How many minutes we got?

It's fine.

We can do more time.

Why are you leaving?

He's got a piss.

Oh.

You can go piss, man.

Go ahead.

Thanks, Dom.

Well, it's time for our movie review, Corner.

What have you seen recently?

I recently watched the first 20 minutes of the classic What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

Ah.

Movie I've seen numerous times.

Leonardo DeCap.

Yeah.

Turns out what's eating him is his mom.

Because she's fat as she's.

She's fat.

Yeah.

That was a big joke when I was a little kid.

I thought that was a Mullen original.

Oh, really?

You thought you came up with his mom?

Is it the mom?

I mean, that's good when you're a little ass kid.

It's funny because it's like I'd mentioned this before, but

I Am Sam, Juliet Lewis, or

hold on.

Damn, my man's eyes just bulged out and shit.

Sean Penn in I Am Sam.

No, I'm good.

What the fuck?

Sean Penn in I Am Sam

is just doing Juliet Lewis in the other sister.

He's doing her version of a retarded person.

And that's why both of those movies suck.

What about Leo?

Leo nailed it.

Nailed retarded?

He nailed retarded.

That was a breakthrough role for him.

Yeah.

And

Juliet Lewis is in that movie, and it's like, just do the Leo.

Yes.

Why are you trying to put your own own spin on this?

Juliet Lewis, was she ever a good actress?

No, but she was hot.

She was hot.

Yeah.

She was in

there was something deaf about her face.

Something deaf?

Yeah, she looked like a deaf woman.

Like the hottest deaf woman.

Yeah, like a hot, deaf chick.

I'll fuck a hot deaf lady.

Yeah, I would totally.

Yeah.

She can't hear you.

Yeah, she can't hear you.

You can't hear you sobbing.

You turn around and just cry.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be perfect.

You don't have to fake being aware.

That's always the gayest answer when you're like, would you rather be deaf or blind?

And people are like,

I could never live without music.

It's like, shut the fuck up.

Wait, whose answer is that to that question?

Whenever people say, oh, like, deaf, like, deaf is clearly better because you can still see shit, not bump into walls and shit.

Yeah, I would definitely go with deaf.

I don't know what I would do without music.

Fuck music, dude.

Music sucks.

Did you see that movie, Mr.

Holland's Opus?

No.

Where he's a Mr.

Holland Opus?

Open, open.

Mr.

All right, students, pay attention.

Welcome to Holland Oats class.

Now watch me drink this piss.

Who's the greatest professor at Harvard?

I don't know what that movie's about.

It's about Richard Dreyfus plays a music teacher, and then his son is born deaf.

How about Richard Guyfuss?

It's forgotten, guys.

It's just Geyso.

It's Jaws, but they're looking for a guy with a really big dick.

Yeah, Richard Guy's dick.

This storm's great.

The storm is really cool.

He's moody.

I had a friend who I could tell was losing his mind because right after college, he got really into the weather.

Nice.

And he saw, I checked the temperature on my iPhone weather app.

He's like, dude, you're using the iPhone weather app.

And I was like, yeah.

He's like, that's fucking pathetic.

He's like, you need to get this app.

I paid $11 for it.

I get Doppler radar.

Jesus.

I was like, that is so gay to get into the weather.

Is it any more accurate?

And then were at a we were at a hurricane party.

We had that hurricane in DC.

Someone had a party at their house.

We were all getting wasted and he was sitting on the couch alone looking at his fucking stupid weather app and looking up and being like, the storm's beast, dude.

That's what Nick was referencing earlier.

Ah, yes.

The storm's beast.

This is kind of nice, dude.

Yeah, it is nice.

I would love a storm.

It's a shame we're doing the podcast right now, so I can't just sit in silence and appreciate it.

People don't like that.

Nope.

You gotta work two hours a week.

Dude, this shit's getting kind of wild.

This storm?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I want to hold a lover.

It really does suck to only have to work two hours a week and then like

30-40% of the time you're just terrible at your job.

I don't know.

You just can't fucking do it.

I think the episodes have been okay recently.

Oh, they have, but I mean, there's still days like this.

Yeah.

But sometimes, I don't know, maybe sometimes people appreciate us getting real.

No, not real.

No, I don't think they're not.

No.

Sort of.

No, it's a podcast where we say things,

things like,

but it's guys only, and I do parody songs.

And I almost say the N-word.

You almost say the N-word.

Because

my dick is in your mouth.

What about another parody song?

So what do you think, Saba, about

Donald Trump meeting

Vladimir?

Traitor.

You think he's a traitor?

Treasonist.

Traitor.

My father called me and said it was the worst day since 9-11.

When did they think Trump was going to be talking about it?

Then he was talking about it.

He talked about vagina 11.

Vagina 11.

Has anyone said that?

Yeah, what happens?

Girls only.

Do two big-ass pussies fall from the sky?

Yeah.

The terrorists are like, well, once we do 9-11, it will be vagina 11.

We'll go to heaven.

We will get so many vaginas.

All the Indian terrorists.

They all were from

they were all from

Pakistan?

India.

No, they were like, what were they?

They were all like Saudi.

Yeah.

Damn, dude, that shit's so...

Imagine having to fucking fly up into a fucking building.

That shit would be fucking stupid.

Fun as shit, dude.

Why did those guys do 9-11?

Muhammad Atta?

Because they got to go to strip clubs and shit.

You know,

right before the plane hit the tower, fucking Muhammad Atta had to have been like, what am I doing?

Yeah, this,

you know, like, what is this?

My job is to get a fucking shit.

How did I fucking get here?

Yeah.

Imagine, it would be so funny if they just were like, nah, fuck this, and just like landed it safely somewhere.

Yeah.

It's like

I was raised in a desert,

you know.

So I learned how to shoot guns in a cave, and now I just got to fucking like, fly a fucking plane into a building dude.

For some rich asshole that's just downloading porn in a mansion.

Yeah, fail, son.

Yeah.

Damn, dude.

He was good at hiding.

Sami.

Because I mean, if you think about it, he's like...

He's like the mailroom guy of Al-Qaeda.

What's that?

He's like the mailroom guy of Al-Qaeda.

The guy that actually has to fly the plane into the fucking terrorist guy.

Have you ever seen that movie Paradise Now?

No.

About the two Palestinian suicide bombers?

No.

It's fucked up.

But yeah, it just follows these two guys on the way to going to kill themselves.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, it's fucked.

It's not a documentary.

It's a...

No, it's fictional.

That'd be wild.

How about a suck cockumentary?

And it's gays only.

I like that.

No, don't let him finish at him.

Don't.

No, that's it.

That's it, basically.

I should go to the zoo and yell at the animals.

You see some fucking jaguar or some shit got loose in a zoo?

Yes.

And he ate like four emus and shit.

Hell yeah.

I saw a peacock the other day.

I don't like them.

Yeah, I don't like them either.

They're scary.

They are.

There's something that beards about.

They're like, oh, yeah, have we talked about that before?

No.

They give me shivers.

I'm like, that's hilarious because I don't fuck with peacocks either.

Yeah, yeah.

I've said that to people before and they don't get it.

No, people

are on.

Yeah.

They're fucking dinosaurs, bro.

Fuck all birds.

No, there's something eerie about their plume and there's like just too big.

It's too fucking big.

Yeah, and that noise they make.

I don't like it.

Fuck that.

I don't like bats either.

So this episode takeaways.

Peacock's bad.

Jamie Killscene?

Question mark.

Yeah.

TBD.

2B dick sucked.

That's what TBD stands for.

Well, okay, so we're going to...

What?

We're going to do more episodes, guys.

Don't we?

Yeah, the show will go on.

The show will go on.

I mean, it's at a low point right now.

Both of you.

I'll eat a sandwich at some point.

Yeah.

I'm pretty hungry.

Stop.

I'll feel better.

Hopefully, in 10 days, I'll be walking.

But hey, you know what?

You want to hang with the clowns?

Sometimes you got to drink their tears.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying?

Damn, that's really good.

That's good.

Hey, you know, put that on a fucking.

I want that quote to go on my t-shirt.

Go ahead, Lewis.

Make that on merch pump.

Just Lewis solemnly looking out a window in black and white.

I'm starting to feel like Galaxy Brain is being like just flying off the handle at the slightest criticism and being extremely sincere in goth all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because honestly, what's funnier than a fucking train wreck?

Lewis got mad at, what's her name, that

Amy.

What were you going to say?

Louie.

No, anyway.

He got mad at who?

Some comic was like, oh, some guy called me a dumb bitch outside Skagfest.

She was like, how are you going to use our hashtag when say that?

Well, did he?

She's like, it was a fun festival.

I was just saying that someone called me at like a.

Yeah.

He's like, don't use our fucking hashtag.

I mean, did she get called a dumb bitch?

Held.

Oh, Eldis.

Oh, what up, beautiful boy.

The ceiling's leaking, bro.

The ceiling's leaking?

Damn.

My man's out here getting a bucket.

I was going to borrow your car to go to Ikea, but I think I'm going to bail.

Yeah, that makes sense.

It's too rainy.

Is it time to come in and get Eldis on the mountain?

I just smelled my armpit.

It made me want to throw up.

Yeah, dude, I've been smelling rough.

I smell terrible right now.

I'm about to go sit in the bathtub with the shower on and rub my fucking titties till they're clean.

Yeah, you should just do a one-foot out bath.

I'm about to.

That's going to be nice.

Oh, fuck.

It's going to be such a choice.

Draw yourself a bath, put some oils in there.

Some lavender.

Ooh, boy.

Some essential oils.

I don't like bathing, like, in a bath, though.

It's gross.

Yeah, but what are you gonna do, man?

The water gets nashed.

Sitting down shower.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Chair shower, like an old person.

Oh, yeah.

Damn.

Fuck, dude.

I don't wanna bathe.

So don't bathe.

No, I have to.

I'm done with bathing.

I have company coming over.

Oh, yeah, you're gonna try and smash?

No, not.

Don't put it so crudely, Nicholas.

I can't try to

get a swing with a woman.

I can't.

Nick's hearing is now.

That'd be so funny if you went deaf.

Yeah.

Yeah, it would be hilarious.

We have to sign the podcast.

You just have to pretend like my impressions are good.

Yeah.

I'm like, all right, everybody.

Who remembers?

Donald Trump.

That's a good Trump, buddy.

Good job, Nick.

Stupid Boucemi next.

Not bad.

Are you?

Pretty good.

Pretty fucking good.

Thanks.

Well, you know, some of them are just going to be rough, fellas.

Yep.

We're up against a lot right now, but we're going to come out of it with harder dicks than we started.

The most important thing is that we're.

It's nice that all three of us are at our low point.

Yeah, that is nice.

It's good when I sync up with my boys, because, you know, ultimately, this podcast

is about friendship.

And what you're seeing right now is us at our low point.

Nobody's bullying Adam.

He was probably the funniest one on this episode this time.

I don't know about that.

Well, that being said, it was one of the worst episodes we've ever done.

That's true.

But you were the funniest you've ever been.

Yeah.

All I'll say

is that

we're going to come out of this stronger together, like Hillary Clinton said.

And I know we say that, I know that these moments are becoming more and more frequent.

That every two weeks now we have an episode.

now it's every two weeks every two weeks but you know i truly in my heart don't believe that things have a shelf life i think that things become good and they stay that way forever yep and the bottom can never fall out bro this is the only actual bad one though the other one's it's just being in your head yeah well if you think it's bad that means it's fucking awful

we're sad dude whatever subscribe to the fucking patreon and listen to this weekends that was a great episode this weekend's episode was one of the best and here's here's the thing too: because you're not going to be able to get the premiums stolen anymore because that fucking Reddit's going to get shut down thanks to all those idiots brigading and harassing those poor small dick men.

Wait, they were harassing the small dick men.

They were fucking harassing them, dude.

They were going on there being like, you should fucking kill yourself.

That's so good.

It's like, of course they should.

Why are you saying it?

Just tell me that.

Don't tell the small dick guys.

I deserve it, though.

Adam can handle it.

I can't really handle it.

Hurt me.

Do me instead.

Do me.

I can barely handle it.

I can't really handle it.

I get really sad.

Yeah.

It hurts my feelings.

Oh, fuck.

Well, guys, if you want to watch this live and you're in Baltimore, August 12th, Autobahn.

We've already sold, I think, like 50 tickets, so keep buying those motherfuckers.

Funny moms is Monday the 23rd.

Carolines 9, 10, and 11.

I guarantee you, because I am a professional comedian and I should be taking comedy seriously, I will have new shit for that show.

Will it be good?

Probably not.

I barely remember how to be funny.

Go see Nick.

Please come.

He'll probably do his.

Please help me remember how to do comedy.

His Winter Olympics figure skating Chinese chunk.

Oh, God.

That's a good joke.

I was happy with that.

It's a good joke.

I thought that was a fun joke.

Yeah, no, it was just, yeah, it was topical.

Damn, dude.

Fuck.

Adam's speaking in shots now.

I shouldn't.

You're your lowest.

I shouldn't have done that.

Kick a man when he's down.

I don't even care, dude.

It is a good joke.

Very funny.

I don't even care.

So, yes, I will be that same weekend.

I will be in Charlottesville at the Southern on the 17th.

Ooh, stop.

I will be, yes,

I'm there in town for some meetings, and I figured I'd do a show while I'm.

I'm going to be wearing an Under Armour polo shorts or shirt and some dockers.

And then on the 18th, I'm back in Baltimore at Suspended Brewery, doing an hour myself.

And then I will be at Philly, Good Good Comedy Club, Good Good Comedy Theater, on the 19th.

So it's a little run there.

And then, yeah, I have a lot of shit coming up.

But also, come see us in Cleveland and Boston, the Cleveland-Boston tour.

Cleveland, the 2nd, we are at Hilarities as part of the Accidental Comedy Festival.

And in Boston, we are in the Boston Podcast Festival at Laugh Boston on the 3rd.

Is it the podcast festival or the comedy festival?

I don't fucking know.

Who cares?

But just buy tickets.

Those are both up.

Please come see us, guys.

New York this Monday.

Funny moms, as always.

Ed, come on, everybody.

All three boys will be there looking good.

I'll be fan from the beach of North Carolina.

And then I've got more dates coming up that I'm working on.

Nothing to announce formally yet, but I think I'm going to be in New Orleans and Chicago and maybe LA in September.

So come say what's up.

Everybody.

There you go.

Stavi Worldwide.

Oh, and Detroit in September.

All right, guys.

Well, thanks.

We're going to try not to kill ourselves.

Bye.

In the heat of battle, your squad relies on you.

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