Ep. 106 – Will Shitz His Pants

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Speaker 1 Quince.com slash TAFS.

Speaker 2 Fuckers. Hello and welcome to Come Town.

Speaker 2 This is Phoenix Come. Look at my name is Phoenix.
That's your name? I'm Phoenix Come. My name is Luke Sky Faggot.

Speaker 2 I'd be like Luke Sky Homo. There is another

Speaker 2 Sky Faggot.

Speaker 2 Mr. Yoda, you can't die.

Speaker 2 Sucking penis, I will. I want to go see.
See a faggot you are. Act like a faggot, you must.

Speaker 2 I'm not acting like a faggot. Mmm, are you? I want to see solo.
Oh, yeah, I was about to say, we should go see solo. I go see solo.
Here's a think-piece idea.

Speaker 2 Excuse me, shouldn't this be a movie be called Lando? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Excuse me.

Speaker 2 Excuse me. Yes.
How about Black Excellence? You know, that's my real last name.

Speaker 2 Adam. Lando.
Oh, I thought

Speaker 2 Adam Black Excellence. Landau? Yeah, it was changed when they moved to South Africa to freedom.
That's Landau. That's not Landau.
Whatever, similar.

Speaker 2 You're named after the symbol on the side of a Herbert.

Speaker 2 Like the actor, Martin Lando.

Speaker 2 Cut him. That's a nice shirt, dude.
I want to slice it up. It is a really nice one.
Is that cashmere? I don't actually. I think it's Merino Wool.
Can I be honest? I don't like it. It's not mine.

Speaker 2 It's Dasha's

Speaker 2 husband. It's from Desert Safari.
I don't don't like this. Dasha's ex-husband.
You're wearing his clothes now. Her friend's ex-husband, yes.
Actually, I don't think

Speaker 2 it's cool that

Speaker 2 Dash is still friends with her. Dasha brings her ex-husband's clothes for you to put on.
She's like, it's so big on you. You have to sit there wearing big shirts.
That's not true. It's like condoms.

Speaker 2 You have to wear his big ass hiring. I do have to wear her.

Speaker 2 My ex-husband's used condoms.

Speaker 2 They're still friends. It's pretty mature, guys.
It is mature. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not still friends with anybody, even people I'm friends with. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's true. That's the ultimate level of maturity is no longer being friends with anybody.

Speaker 2 Oh, you keep in touch with your exes. I don't even keep in touch with

Speaker 2 myself. Nick's wearing noise-canceling headphones right now.
He can't hear anything me or Adam. How about boys-canceling headphones?

Speaker 2 Only hear pussy. Bye, boys.
I will only hear the pussy. The reversal, the rare reversal on the boys/slash guys thing.

Speaker 2 Guys only.

Speaker 2 Boys are canceled. So I can only hear black, excellent voices.
I hear the excellent voices of magical black women.

Speaker 2 Joseph and his amazing Technicolor dream black woman. Although I have to say, Serena Williams appears to have used up some black girl, used up a lot of her black girl magic.
Yeah. And

Speaker 2 what she pulled out of

Speaker 2 the French Open? Yeah. Stop.

Speaker 2 Can you tell me what the times it's at? Where we're at.

Speaker 2 We are at two minutes and 47,

Speaker 2 seconds. Three minutes.
51 seconds. 52 seconds.

Speaker 2 53 seconds. 54.
55. 56.
57. 58.
59. Three minutes.
Perfect. Cool.
Cool. Wow.
So then it yeah, we got

Speaker 2 we got to start doing reads at certain times. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. We can't tell the audience.
We have to sneak them in. Okay, perfect.
Because it has to sound like real time.

Speaker 2 Our sponsors were very concerned that people would be fast forwarding through the advertisement. So guys, if you do that, guess what? We're giving out there's be a secret hidden message.

Speaker 2 It'll be Adam's address, Adam's social security number. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The first four numbers hidden in the first read. There's a lot more in the last reading.

Speaker 2 There's a lot more doxing to do, there's a lot more personal information that we could release. Listen to the entire read.
Here's the thing:

Speaker 2 you listen to the entire read, there's a download code for pictures of Dosh's feet, the zip file. I already know that.
On the mega upload. She got mad, I pushed it.
On the mega upload. 4K.
Kim.com.

Speaker 2 Yeah. His personal stash.
Yeah. Who's Kim.com? He's that fat German guy.

Speaker 2 That's like a hacker. He did mega upload.
He's a fat German hacker. He started mega upload, I think.
Where does he live in New Zealand or something? No, yeah. Or I think he's dead, actually.

Speaker 2 Is he dead? I think so. Getting too much pussy? Getting too much pussy poisoning?

Speaker 2 Car I picked it up. Cunt poisoning.
Oh, we said this on the premium, but if you're in Australia, we'll be there in October. Oh, yeah.
Three cities. Rich for Australia, baby.

Speaker 2 Rich Ross for

Speaker 2 Australia.

Speaker 2 We're going to have so much fun in this country.

Speaker 2 I can't wait for the cup. All right, Mike.
Could you stop spitting all over?

Speaker 2 Mike, your teeth are too fucked up to come into the country.

Speaker 2 Why do you have fake teeth?

Speaker 2 That's because I used to be addicted to meth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's gross. Hey, come on, man.
It was crack. Was it? It wasn't crack? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's kind of like the Ian of

Speaker 2 the old guy. You're really into him.

Speaker 2 That's exactly correct. It is funny.

Speaker 2 He's got a hot wife. He every once in a while.

Speaker 2 Bonnie is hot.

Speaker 2 She's

Speaker 2 cracked. I wonder if she's trans, considering Voss is the Ian of that group.
That is true. It would make sense.
Franz, why is the woman

Speaker 2 that funny? But that, yeah, that hot, good at comedy. Yeah, she's got to have a dick.

Speaker 2 She's got to have a penis. That's the only explanation.
Bonnie McFarlane, we're calling you out. Let's see that cock.

Speaker 2 You listen to the new segment of Come Town. Let's see that cock.

Speaker 2 Call out women for being too talented. They're too talented.

Speaker 2 The only explanation is that they're hiding a cock.

Speaker 2 Damn, baby, let me see that fucking dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the new type of cat call

Speaker 2 where women are assumed to be men.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that Tina Fey, a little too funny for me. Probably got a dick.
Let's see that. Tina Fe.

Speaker 2 Let's see that cock. Show us your cock.
Show us your dick, bitch.

Speaker 2 It's not misogyny because we don't consider them women.

Speaker 2 We're just being mean to other men. And you know what? Men are toxic, so it's actually good.

Speaker 2 Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, yes. Fuck, man.
She should show us your cock. Especially the ones that are trans.

Speaker 2 Wait a second.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, we're going to be in motherfucking Rich Australia in October. Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane.
And also going to be in Rich Vostomore. Yeah, Rich Vostimore.
August 12th. August 12th.

Speaker 2 Rich Vostomore. Rich Vostomar.
The Rich Vostow. Do people in Baltimore like rep Silence of the Lambs? Yeah, dude.
What?

Speaker 2 Because the Insane Asylum is in the Baltic Asylum is in Maryland. Where? The Cum Throwing Insane Asylum.
I didn't know.

Speaker 2 Well, the book takes place, like Cannibal Elector is supposed to be from Baltimore. Hell yeah, yeah.
He's a Baltimore. Yeah, yeah.
It's in the Yeo Clarice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yo, Clarice, once you get in here, come over here, yo. They say he's the smartest man in Baltimore.
Yeah, I've never choked on a button.

Speaker 2 That's the test. The best thing.
You've never put your clothes in your mouth and choked on them. If you made it that far in life, guess what? You can eat people.

Speaker 2 I eat some liver with old bay crab chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, natty ice. Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No ice.

Speaker 2 I had a nice dinner. I ate his liver with some e-pills,

Speaker 2 which I call rava beans, you know,

Speaker 2 and then a nice glass of four loco. And then he goes, homemade four loco, baby.
They stopped. I've assembled it at home, but I'm not doing co-regions.

Speaker 2 I figured it out. It's Domitab, Mountain Dew, co-red,

Speaker 2 a little bit of fucking bike food, Draino. Yeah, I eat every part of the body except the pussy, because that shit's gay.

Speaker 2 My name's LeHannibal, L. Apostrophe Hannibal, and I'm white.
Do not look at my hair.

Speaker 2 Do not look at the shape of my hair and accuse me of being mixed race.

Speaker 2 Don't ever fucking look. You can touch.
Go ahead, touch it. Why would I give a shit? Don't comment on its texture, but you can fucking touch it.
You don't like it? I'll fucking eat your ass.

Speaker 2 Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.
LeHannibal Lecter. Damn.

Speaker 2 Dr. Ruth turned 90.

Speaker 2 She still got that good pussy? Yeah, dude. I think she's probably

Speaker 2 so good. Just blow it.
Show us that dick. Show us that dick.
You just ram that 90-year-old pussy so hard it turns inside out. Just imagine how bad you could fuck up an 80-year-old's pussy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, for sure. The rest of her body just pushed it.
No, I think it's like more elastic, probably. No way.
It'll come right out. Yeah.
It'll pop right out.

Speaker 2 You just blow that pussy to pieces.

Speaker 2 Just fucking push. If you blow into her ass, it could probably pop her pussy out.
Yeah. I would think.
Yeah, that's how it works. No, it's like this.

Speaker 2 It's like, you know, when a balloon's left around, like a helium balloon's left around

Speaker 2 for a while. Two days old.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sagging.
Now imagine an 80-year-old balloon that you could put your dick inside of. Yeah.
It's had a lot of comments. No, an old woman's pussy.

Speaker 2 It's like, you know, when you've been chewing on gum too long, but you're still nervous. Yeah.
So you got to keep it. You had to fuck one woman over 70.
Helenirn. You fuck Helena.
Come on.

Speaker 2 What a boring choice. What's yours? Dr.
Ruth. Dr.
Ruth.

Speaker 2 She's turning 90, About to die. I don't give a fuck about that boring choice.
She's got some big-ass fucking titties. What's her name from that French actress? It's pretty hot.

Speaker 2 That's a pretty boring choice, too.

Speaker 2 What's her name? Who Pear?

Speaker 2 Au Pear.

Speaker 2 She's like 85. How old is she? Isabel Huppert.
Hupert. Yeah.
Hubert.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's not that old, dude. You're a fucking imbecile.
She's probably in her 90s. No, she was in her mid-30s in the mid-90s.
Actually, is Helen Mirn even a 70? Probably not. She might be 60.

Speaker 2 She might be be around there. I saw her crush a bull Ronald.

Speaker 2 What year is

Speaker 2 the celebration? What year did that come out? 1992?

Speaker 2 What is that? Is that Michael Monica?

Speaker 2 It feels like it would be.

Speaker 2 98.

Speaker 2 Dasha, you just want to be on Come Town? What the fuck? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's 1998, the celebration? Yeah, she's probably, what, like 32 in that?

Speaker 2 She's 65 now.

Speaker 2 She's 65 now.

Speaker 2 She's like, that counts as like 80. I'm Googling hot ass old lady.
Hot ass women after 70.

Speaker 2 Deep ass fucking of old horny woman. Yeah.
That looks pretty good.

Speaker 2 That video, that, that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, fuck Granny till she squirted. Fuck Granny till she squirted.

Speaker 2 Sexy ass, old hairy lady, free hairy, sexy porn. Somebody, I have to give credit.
Somebody DM'd me, told me to watch it. I can't remember who, but I did.
That movie Hereditary that's coming out.

Speaker 2 The old woman with a fat ass gives a hot blowjob and rides on cock. Is that a scary movie? Thanks, Stop.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Is that the one you're talking about seeing, Dosh? Oh, damn. Adam, could you shut up for one second? Oh,

Speaker 2 sorry. Could you please shut up?

Speaker 2 What about Hereditary? This movie Hereditary is coming out, which is a scary movie,

Speaker 2 as our imbecile friend here pointed out.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, it's lame to call a scary movie scary movie. First of all, I'm not scared.
They're genre films. It's a horror movie, but it's not sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Scary is scary.

Speaker 2 How inelegant of me. Scary is received, and I have never been scared by anything in my life.
Yeah, that's true. It's not a scary movie.
If I can understand what genre it's supposed to be in.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a genre movie movie movie movie. But to say scary, that would be a lot of fun.
Okay, so it's a fucking

Speaker 2 incorrect. Professor Emeritus Nick Mullen

Speaker 2 filmoglodly.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 Anyways, that director, he made a short film called There's Something Strange About the Johnsons in 2011. Hell yeah.
And it's black.

Speaker 2 It is black. Oh, really? They are black.
Oh, nice. And what happens in the movie is there's a 14-year-old black kid, and he gets caught by his dad beating off.

Speaker 2 And then the dad's like, it's normal. Don't worry about it.
And then the dad leaves the room, and like you see the picture the kid was jacking off to, and it's a shirtless picture of his dad. Whoa!

Speaker 2 Hello, that's right up our alley.

Speaker 2 And then the kid starts raping his father. What the fuck? Holy shit.
He's just violently raping him for like 14 years. What the hell? 14 years.
So

Speaker 2 it cuts to like the son's elder now and he's getting married and he's like hiding to a woman?

Speaker 2 To a woman and then he's like, you know, at the wedding, like pulling his dad into the garage and raping him. Just fucking his dad? Just raping his father.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. He sounds like the coolest guy ever.
Yo, how his dad had, I mean, that's a lot, dude. He wanted it.
He wanted it. It's not rape, dude.
He wanted it.

Speaker 2 You can't be getting raped by your son and not put up a fight. That's actually legally true.
Legally, you can't. You know how espousal rape? We haven't got the sons.

Speaker 2 It's one of the old laws of the English. Yeah.
Legally. If you only rape your own father before sundown,

Speaker 2 that's how you become a governor in the Commonwealth. Yep.

Speaker 2 Is you're not allowed to eat ice cream while walking backwards after sunset. And if you rape your own father and he doesn't fight back, you are now the Duke.

Speaker 2 That's wild. Landed Gentry.
That is a crazy idea for a short film. Yeah.
Damn, how does it end?

Speaker 2 The dad dies. The dad comes? Oh.
The dad is running out of the house. Because the dad's a writer, so he's written a manuscript explaining how his son's been raping him for years.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 The son catches him with the manuscript. It is cowardly

Speaker 2 to write it in the book. Well,

Speaker 2 the son has some monologue. He's like, you can't understand that this is love, and sometimes that's scary.
But there's a difference between being scared and being a coward.

Speaker 2 And he's like, You've been fighting this since it started. He's like, But he's like, Yeah, it may be rough at times, but it's because I love you so much and you love me.

Speaker 2 Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, Just mind-fucking the dad.
Yeah, it's about his son. He just rapes his father in every way.

Speaker 2 So he doesn't know how to feel. And the dad like runs out of the house crying with the manuscript and gets hit by a van and dies.
Damn. That guy took a series of L's in his life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Talk about taking an L.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I loved it, dude. Yeah, that's actually the last line of the movie.
Yeah. And then the son fucks his corpse.
Yeah. Is the son gay in any other way or he just wants to die?

Speaker 2 No, he just ripes his dad. Nice.
And then there's one scene.

Speaker 2 There's one scene. There's one scene.
Same DNA, bro. Because, like, they, like, he's still married to the mom, you know, and so the mom is just like ignoring that this is going on.
Wild. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And there's, like, one scene where the dad is in, like, the bathtub listening to, like, positive affirmation tapes on headphones because he, like, you know, wants to kill himself or whatever.

Speaker 2 And then the son decides to, like, stay at home. Like, the son was just visiting with his wife, and then he, like, intentionally breaks a dish and is like, I'm just going to clean up.

Speaker 2 Why don't you go home? And I'll be home a little bit late. Oh, no.
And then

Speaker 2 the dad knows what's up. Well, the dad doesn't know what's up.
He's got headphones on and he's like in the bathtub. And the son tries to come in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 He's like, you know how I feel about locked doors. And he's like trying to open the door and he can't open it.

Speaker 2 And then the dad takes the headphones off, but it's too late. The son's already angry and he kicks down the door.
And then you just hear the son violently raping the dad. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 while the mom is like just hears him screaming in the other room and she's just like you know stone-faced and turning the volume up on the TV while her husband's being raped.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. So what's what's the what is this like a fucking allegory for or some shit? It's an allegory for I'll tell you our political for getting a new pair of underwear.
Oh,

Speaker 2 MacWeldon.

Speaker 2 Guys, whatever kind of underwear you're wearing right now, that movie about raping your father is an allegory.

Speaker 2 For buying a new pair of underwear at MacWeldon.com.

Speaker 2 Because Mac Weldon, they believe in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping. Yup.
Wow. Yeah, I think it's hard to love your father.

Speaker 2 Well, I got something easy for you going to MacWeldon.com and enjoying the simple shopping experience that they provide.

Speaker 2 Easier than Amazon, easier than kicking down a door and raping your own father.

Speaker 2 I have a question. Yeah.
I think a problem when raping your father is that your dick would kind of smell bad. It would be a bad experience.

Speaker 2 Luckily, they have a line of naturally antimicrobial silver underwear shirts.

Speaker 2 This means

Speaker 2 they're odory. Wow.

Speaker 2 So it's

Speaker 2 the darkest parts of you and buries it deep down inside where no one can see. Similar to how the father in that movie must have dealt with the fact that his son was raping.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 And you know what? Not only do they perform well, they look good too, and you can wear them anywhere, you know, at the gym, at work, at your therapist's office, stealing them for packages.

Speaker 2 Your son's been

Speaker 2 raping you for years.

Speaker 2 And tell you what,

Speaker 2 if you want to be like the dad in that movie, the cool dad in that movie, who kept his head level while having to write a 300-year-old. He kept his mouth shut.
Kept his mouth shut.

Speaker 2 Go to MacWeldon.com and use promo code COMETOWN. That's C-U-M-T-O-W-N, all capital letters, to receive 20% off.
And tell you what, they just want you to be comfortable.

Speaker 2 So if you don't like your first pair, you can call them up and say, hey, I don't like them. And they'll refund your money.
You can keep the underwear, no questions asked.

Speaker 2 But they got a lot of great clothes I wear myself. They've hooked me up.
Certainly.

Speaker 2 One of my better pairs of obviously the best pair of underwear I have is the one with the cock ring built in. Of course, yes, yes, yes.
And then also one of those cock rings that also holds the balls.

Speaker 2 Of course. Yeah.
Yes. And then

Speaker 2 they also have an attachment where there's a magnifying glass that they're waiting. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A looking glass.

Speaker 2 Like you're working on a miniature set. Exactly.

Speaker 2 The expensive

Speaker 2 series of magnifying glasses I have

Speaker 2 attached to a woman's head, and then they're locked into the underwear. So they're only able to see my dick through the.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 I have a bunch of small explosives attached to my cock. So when I insert it, she's like, is it in yet? I'm like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Just kill the woman. It kills.

Speaker 2 She dies. You can get those at MacWell.

Speaker 2 Use promo code Come Town folks to get that discount. Perfect.
Thanks for explaining that to me. Yeah.
Anyways, yeah, the movie was great. So is Mac Weldon.
Check him out. And we're back to

Speaker 2 well, we're not back to anything. We're not back to regular.

Speaker 2 That was just part of the advanced.

Speaker 2 Thank you for answering my question about the allegory. Yeah, yeah.
About what that movie was really about. And that's why you don't skip the ads.

Speaker 2 That's good. Listen.

Speaker 2 What's the timestamp at? Because I got it. We are at 18 minutes and 49 seconds, 50 seconds.
51, 2,

Speaker 2 5, 56.

Speaker 2 57, 58. 59.

Speaker 2 90 minutes.

Speaker 2 Okay, 19 minutes.

Speaker 2 What's 19 plus

Speaker 2 49 plus 21? 39. It's 40? 40.
Yeah, 40.

Speaker 2 All right. Is that the bad? Yeah, I didn't do the math right.
Whatever. Because this puts us at 40 instead of 45.

Speaker 2 Fuck. I also wasn't supposed to tell him.

Speaker 2 God damn it, dude. Well, that's why we're fucking, well, we're keeping the audience guessing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Just like in that movie,

Speaker 2 where he didn't know when the brutal rape was going to come.

Speaker 2 He was guessing.

Speaker 2 How about this? Mexico's yawn-inspiring rival. Whatever their differences on domestic issues, the four presidential candidates in Mexico's election all oppose the U.S.
president.

Speaker 2 Get Vicente Fox back in there. He says fuck.
He says he cusses.

Speaker 2 My man, a little cuss word.

Speaker 2 What was Vincente was like in bed with the cartel or something? Like, he hated them, but he would have sex with them. Yeah, he was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a love-hate relationship.

Speaker 2 He was like, I just couldn't see you. That's what the expression in bed means.
Yeah, it means you're having sex with

Speaker 2 apparently. Donald Trump's in bed with the big banks.
Yeah. Oh, no, no legislation in their favor.
He just has sex. He just fucks.

Speaker 2 Every executive from Chase. Did you guys hear that Donald Trump's wife is is dead? Yeah.
Oh, Melania? Melania.

Speaker 2 Feckless cunt. Yeah, that's his daughter.
His daughter's

Speaker 2 Indonesia cracks down on peaceful independence movement in Papua. Wow.
Imagine living in a bitch-ass place with a name like Papua. Papua.
Yeah, you probably feel such a little dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you'd probably hate yourself. Yeah.
If you're from Papua, you're gay as shit. But if you're from Papua New Guinea,

Speaker 2 you're taught. That's where the good pussy is.
You get a lot of pussy.

Speaker 2 The good pussy's in Papua New Guinea. Maybe we should go while we're in Australia.
Dude, I'm trying to go to some of that good pussy.

Speaker 2 We're going to be close to Papua New Guinea. That's what I'm saying.
You guys want to go to like Bora Bora or someplace out there? I do want to say that like that again, Adam. I'm going to

Speaker 2 isolate that and repeat it. No, stop it.
Don't do that.

Speaker 2 Bora Bora? Stop it. Please don't.
Dude, fuck it. Don't draw attention.

Speaker 2 Don't draw attention to that. What's going on? What's your teaching? I'm trying to do things like that.
Renegade-in-chief cuts cord to his devotees on the ballot. Who's that? Trump? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Once bright future dim as Trump favors establishment. This is like

Speaker 2 this to be guys on radio that would just read. Yeah, you just read like

Speaker 2 something through the newspaper. You could hear the newspaper.
Yeah. And it was like, that's how you just give up on your newspaper or your radio job.

Speaker 2 That used to be a show on NPR.

Speaker 2 The newspaper show reads the news. Everything on NPR sucks, Dave, dude.
That's

Speaker 2 like.

Speaker 2 Everything on NPR is bad. Literally everything on NPR is bad.
Tell me one good show on NPR. I'll tell you,

Speaker 2 dude. Come on.
You know my girl's Terry.

Speaker 2 Car Talk. Car Talk has been off the air for a long time.
And one of them is dead. And it was the best one.
Car Talk sucked. I liked Car Talk.
I liked them.

Speaker 2 I mean, compared to

Speaker 2 contrast it with the rest of NPR. I wasn't listening to it for car automotive tips.
I know. I was listening to it for vibe.

Speaker 2 The vibe was fun. It had a fun vibe.
It had a good vibe. It was wholesome.

Speaker 2 It was two people that love each other. That's why you didn't like it, Nick.
Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 I wish I wasn't so fucking dark. It's too

Speaker 2 dark, dude. I hate being this dark-skinned ass.

Speaker 2 Everybody's dark-ass skinned. Why? Not in color, but why'd you get like a leather?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a. I hate dark.

Speaker 2 You know what I hate? They should get rid of all the dark people.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Vibe in the vibe.
Vibe.

Speaker 2 Not skin, not skin. But I mean, if they happen to have skin.
Look, if the dark people happen to have skin. I wonder what this article is.
We finally found the guy fatter than stop.

Speaker 2 No. Look how fatty is.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to go have lunch with you after this, dude. I've been waiting for you to slip up so we can

Speaker 2 get lunchtime, boys. I'm going to have a regular lunch.
My diet's been fucking terrible lately. I'm not going to slip up.
Where are you getting lunch? Where are you getting lunch? You want to hop in?

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course. Come on, man.
Stop inviting me.

Speaker 2 I'm not invited to lunch. You weren't invited to this podcast.
I don't know how you became

Speaker 2 invited.

Speaker 2 You sent me a card

Speaker 2 to the DM.

Speaker 2 He's RSVP to being on this podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I might have made the card, but it still had your name at the bottom. I'm going to have a dress.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to get meat, something meaty. Let's go to that barbecue place.
I'll get barbecue. Yeah, which one? Smoke joint? Smoke joint?

Speaker 2 Or the place in red? I still have smoke joint left in my refrigerator. I just went to smoke joints.
What about sushi? Sushi would be fine. Let's get a sushi.
I'm down. A sushi.

Speaker 2 Should I go lift weights? I joined a new gym. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Nick joined us.
The prison gym. Yeah, Richie's.
Oh, nice. Where's that?

Speaker 2 They have a bunch of locations, but the one in Bush. I have a friend that goes to one of them.
Yeah. Yeah, that place is a fucking mess.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 $14 a month. That's wonderful.
Wow, that's barely over Planet Fitness. Yeah.
$14 a month. So the year-over cost is still less than one month of CrossFit.

Speaker 2 That's insane. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's like $180. $170.
$170, yeah. You're fucking imbecile.
Sorry. Look at Mr.
Mises.

Speaker 2 Mr., I'm good at math over here. I've never claimed to be good at math.
Allow me to do some Jewish movies. I want to do Jewish math.
I'm trying to be Jewish.

Speaker 2 Six million.

Speaker 2 After Grandma's Boy came out, me and my friend did that voice for like six months. I love that movie.
That movie is great. I watched it again.
It is not as good as Jewish. Actually,

Speaker 2 that's what I was just saying. Six months.
I know. Anybody says anything like, ooh, what if we got, you know, Chinese for lunch?

Speaker 2 What if you sucked a dick?

Speaker 2 Because you're gay.

Speaker 2 That's basically what me and Eldis do with the lie detector test. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're gay.

Speaker 2 Actually, Eldis is gay. Yeah.
Those are the only male friendships that last, so the ones where you call each other gay.

Speaker 2 And then also pretend you want to secretly suck each other's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's another good bit. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 if you want to be boys with someone for the rest of your life,

Speaker 2 you got to call them gay constantly.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 look at his dick and lick your lips.

Speaker 2 That's why I love you guys. Shut up, Adam.
Shut up, dude. God damn it.
I hate it when you speak.

Speaker 2 Jesus. Christ.

Speaker 2 No, this is great. This is a New York Times front page.
There's a picture of a kid missing his legs. His legs are just completely blown off.
That sounds cool.

Speaker 2 And then it says a terrible toll in Afghanistan. And then the caption is, a leftover rocket killed four and maimed seven young members of an extended family.
I wanted to cry, the doctor said.

Speaker 2 It's like, yeah. Just cry, bro.
You're right. Of course you wanted to cry.

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, that was pretty bad. That was fucked up.
Yeah, you get it. Yeah.
It ruined my whole shit, the doctor quoted. The doctor saying, that fucked my whole shit up.
Damn,

Speaker 2 the doctor said.

Speaker 2 Didn't Israel kill another.

Speaker 2 Israel did. Israel killed another

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 Like a

Speaker 2 happy

Speaker 2 freak. You're asking if Israel killed it at the Eurovision song contest? Because the answer is.
Didn't they murder another

Speaker 2 Israel had a sting operation where they saw

Speaker 2 in Gaza?

Speaker 2 Like the terrorists, they love Chuck E. Cheese, so

Speaker 2 there's face painting and a clown. And when the little, I mean, the terrorists

Speaker 2 they go into there to get their face painted and to pin the tail on the donkey, it goes boom and blow up.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, they have one of those animatronic bands at the Chuck E. Cheese.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That blows up.
But yeah, but they all have suicide vests on.

Speaker 2 I mean, you probably shouldn't kill fucking paramedics. Paramedics? Yeah, isn't that what that lady was?

Speaker 2 You know, what are you going to say?

Speaker 2 I think that lady was a paranoid titty. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's the real tragedy. You know what I mean? That sweet set of double D's can no longer be sucked on.

Speaker 2 Honestly, if she was that good.

Speaker 2 All right, Peter, those

Speaker 2 sweet Palestinian racks. Honestly,

Speaker 2 she's that good. Mouthed off.
I'm trying to mouth off.

Speaker 2 That's the real mouthing off. Put the I'm a sole titty with a titty in my mouth.

Speaker 2 You're not my real dog. Yeah, Cometown's going on a titty-sucking tour of Gaza.

Speaker 2 Stopping. Honestly, I've said that publicly before.
I feel so bad about the situation there, I will suck literally any titty. Any Gaza titty? Yeah.
No matter the age or the. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Especially if it's underage. Sex, if it's a male or a woman.
Or if it's a breast or a penis, whatever. Well, men have breasts, too.
Yeah. They're called balls.
They're called breasts.

Speaker 2 Dicks. They're called dicks.
They're called ditties. A man's titties.
It's a male breasts. A man's titty is his dick.

Speaker 2 Of course. Dick feeding your infant son.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. I'm on this motherfucking intermittent fasting tip, bro.

Speaker 2 You drink water? Y'all drink water. Yeah, but you just don't eat it.
I don't drink coffee and

Speaker 2 BCAAs, too. Ooh, BCAAs.
I haven't been drinking those.

Speaker 2 Dasha just made us get this stuff called

Speaker 2 collagen peptides. Collagen peptides.
Which I think is literally just a cow's ass. It's a cow's ass.
But joints.

Speaker 2 Apparently it's good for you. Yeah,

Speaker 2 with consent.

Speaker 2 Ooh, consent. That's a hot issue.
How about we stop raping walls with graffiti? We have consent.

Speaker 2 This is so fucking gay, dude. The New York Times is like, oh, I like graffiti, but it's too scary when it's done without permission.
It's true. It's the only way that it's actually graffiti.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Consent graffiti, where we follow the rules. It's just murals of Hillary Clinton.

Speaker 2 I saw, I was in Brooklyn Heights a couple weeks ago, and I saw there's like graffiti camp for like rich Brooklyn kids where there's like a B-boy, like cool camp counselor.

Speaker 2 Holy shit, how have we not talked about this yet?

Speaker 2 Graffiti Camp? Yeah, yeah. For your little fucking faggot razor scooter eight-year-old.
And there is like some. My name's Starburst.
There's like some cool black guy with a bucket hat.

Speaker 2 Like, hey, I'm Counselor B-Boy. Yeah.
And we're learning how to do graffiti. It's going to be tight.
And they were doing it on like pieces of paper.

Speaker 2 Imagine those kids becoming adults and having to remember that they went to that camp. Yeah.
And then like, just maybe like wanting to kill themselves. Yeah, of course.
Now they will. My son.

Speaker 2 My son's going to be cool. Because I'm going to send him to the school of rock.
Yeah. I'm going to teach him how to rock out.
At least you can learn how to play a fucking instrument.

Speaker 2 If I had a kid, dude, I would do nothing but beat that child and fucking make sure it never had fun one day.

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 I would send my motherfucker. The fun is for after you turn 18.
Liking yourself, enjoying yourself. Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2 That's why it's so easy for you to have it right now.

Speaker 2 That's why, even though your life is going really well, you never seem to be happy.

Speaker 2 Unless you're whittling or playing with fucking wood in some way. Can you please stop getting wood shavings all over my apartment? Nick is sharpening.
You got to get him in your asshole.

Speaker 2 Nick is sharper. You got to pry your asshole.
How would that even be possible?

Speaker 2 I think your fucking court is making a Scrooge sound. Yeah, because he's whittling too much during this episode.

Speaker 2 Writing something.

Speaker 2 Back to the newspaper. What else we got? This is now a news show, guys.
This is a news show. This is business show.
Move over, Chapo.

Speaker 2 We're the news.

Speaker 2 Guess who learned how to read. Yeah, dude.
We're finally going to catch up with those

Speaker 2 elitists. Yeah, I don't like how much money they're making.
We've got to take some of that out of their damn pockets.

Speaker 2 How about about you redistribute that right fucking here, pal? Hirsch's memoir is caustic and revealing. What else?

Speaker 2 It's gay.

Speaker 2 How about that?

Speaker 2 Slam dunk. Seymour Hirsch.

Speaker 2 Hey, how about Seaman Hirsch?

Speaker 2 He just drinks jinny. Jinny.
Dash is leaving.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Dash is going to the foot museum.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's going to Dubai to do some foot modeling. I guess.
No, me and Dash have the same agent now. Oh, nice.
So I can get inside intel on how much they hate me from her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because

Speaker 2 fan base, who shall not be named,

Speaker 2 ruined a million-dollar ad campaign. Way more than that.

Speaker 2 Easily $3 million.

Speaker 2 Easily. The ad itself costs easily.
For sure. For sure.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That ad was expensive as shit.

Speaker 2 Out of control. It's an incredible bird was in it.
Yeah, yeah. The licensing cost, it's incredible.

Speaker 2 The license was a Dolly Parton song. That's right.

Speaker 2 They went to fucking shot some of it in Hong Kong and like Berlin. That's I mean, this is like.
They had to suck Dolly Parton's titties for promotion. I mean, that's real power, Nick.

Speaker 2 I know you lost probably $100,000 on that, but that is real power. Is that what power is? Being able to

Speaker 2 do it if you shut in a hospital and you knock over somebody's dialysis machine and kill them. Being able to

Speaker 2 be powerful right now. IBM is like literally one of the most powerful companies in the world.
Don't tell me to shut up. I'm complimenting.
No, this is not a compliment.

Speaker 2 The motherfucker got 100K taken out of his fucking power. No, I think it's listen.

Speaker 2 It sucks. It clearly sucks.

Speaker 2 But IBM.

Speaker 2 It sucks, dick. Also, IBM didn't really lose that much money.
They just cut this fucking idiot out of the commercial. They still used it.
But being able to

Speaker 2 jeopardize a $9 million

Speaker 2 ad

Speaker 2 for a moment. Okay, he made IBM for like one day be like, what the fuck are we going to do? And they're like, oh, we just cut this fucking moron out of the fucking man.

Speaker 2 It's not that hard, actually. This isn't really a crisis.
At least we don't need him at all.

Speaker 2 So good point. Nick is very powerful.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I wish I had magic, dude. I wish I could do magic.
I wish I could turn Super Saiyan like that black kid that tried to. Yeah, dude.
Remember that video? Yeah, it was the best.

Speaker 2 You know, why can't we accomplish these things in real life? Is that a parna? It is. Butterboy, a comedy series hosted by a parna non-chaylor and others at 8 p.m.
at Littlefield. Oh.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Should we try to get funny moms in the newspaper? I don't know. But I'm going to start doing the crossword while the show is going on.
Okay. Cool.
Why don't you keep sharpening that pencil?

Speaker 2 Meet the press. Host Chuck.

Speaker 2 F-A-G-G. I know that one for sure.

Speaker 2 Chuck Todd. Come on.
He's just such. You just can't help yourself.
We know who Chuck Todd is. Everyone knows who Chuck Todd is.
I did know. You're like, oh, I don't know.

Speaker 2 He looks like a little gopher, motherfucker. He's got that fucked up.
Adam is one of those yes kids. Whenever Whenever they fucking eat.

Speaker 2 Stop making that noise, Adam. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Oh, I was going to say that. Well, listen.
Oh, that was what I was going to say. You have your pitch.
You have.

Speaker 2 Hey. It's Chuck Todd.

Speaker 2 Give me another one. You mean you don't think it was Chuck F-A-G-G?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Chuck.

Speaker 2 Chuck Fagg is on a different show. He's not on that show.
There is a guy named Russ Fagg, right, that's running for Senate. For Senate.
In Idaho? Summit.

Speaker 2 What's up with that pedophile that we talked about briefly? He won. He won.
He won. He's the president.
Take that, Donald Fuck.

Speaker 2 Donald Fagg? Oh, didn't also the Supreme Court do some fucked up shit?

Speaker 2 And the cakes? Don't those bakers not have to

Speaker 2 make

Speaker 2 cakes for gay guys? Yeah. That sucks, dude.
I'm sorry you'll never get a cake again, Adam. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I did a prank call. I lost the recording, but you call up a pizzeria.

Speaker 2 They're like, yes, I would like a cake that says happy gay marriage, Eric and Chris.

Speaker 2 I'm like, we only

Speaker 2 make cake.

Speaker 2 Excuse me.

Speaker 2 We don't do that. We cannot make cake.
It's only pizza.

Speaker 2 Do you want me to call the police?

Speaker 2 That was a fun one. Guys, you should do that yourself.
Call up different places that bake things and demand they make you a gay cake. Well, I guess they don't have to.
They don't have to now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so that's why I'm upset about that decision. Supreme Supreme Court just ruined the type of prank call.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I could give a shit of less about gays and their interest in developing early diabetes.

Speaker 2 They just love having diseases, don't they? That's so important.

Speaker 2 They just want to get diabetes, raise health care costs for everybody else.

Speaker 2 A little prep wasn't enough? That's these gays, we should have to pay for their AIDS medicine. Granted, I also still think they should pay for our schools and all the fucked up things my children do.

Speaker 2 But the gays will not get HIV mitus. It's a fact that gays are always going to the bathroom and the hospital.
Yeah. They cannot stop taking shits.
And they cannot.

Speaker 2 They cannot stop going to the doctor. It's doctor, bathroom, bathroom, share concert.
Shop in Las Vegas.

Speaker 2 Yeah, share concert in Las Vegas. Share residency in Las Vegas.

Speaker 2 Share, let me see that dick. Oh, yeah, that's another thing.
Sure, let me see that dick.

Speaker 2 See that dick.

Speaker 2 Who do we got next? That Nick? What is this graffiti article about? Is it about Bushwick? We're doing crosswords. Do you ever see those? Do you ever see those? Dumpster emanation.

Speaker 2 Adam's act. No, it's

Speaker 2 four letters, dumpster emanation. It's got to be baby, right? Baby.
Baby comes out of a dumpster.

Speaker 2 Baby goes into a dumpster.

Speaker 2 14 across. Barry for a purple smoothie.
Four letters. Ooh, blue.
Acai.

Speaker 2 Acai. Good call.
Thank you. Yeah.
Thank you. I'm not going to answer because apparently

Speaker 2 I'm not allowed to answer. Only when it's the fucking easiest one that we're obviously doing.
I'm not doing joke answers to.

Speaker 2 Well, you said a sigh. Was that a joke? You're the one on the spectrum, and you have this much trouble navigating basic social skills.
You can't pick up on

Speaker 2 it. It's bits.
It's bits. That's what he's having trouble with.
Well, yeah, of course. Let's see.
What's five down? You guys know I have my problems. I would know five down.
What's this?

Speaker 2 What's her experimenting lab? So, yeah. I knew that, but

Speaker 2 I'm too proud to say that. A sigh.
Good call, Stav. Thanks, man.
Man, Stav is so good at crosswords. Unlike the other guest on this show.
What are you talking about, guest?

Speaker 2 Guest star of the show. At my apartment,

Speaker 2 featured guest, Adam Friedland.

Speaker 2 And featuring. At the end, you know, when they would do that person, not really in the cast.
And introducing. And introducing.
Yeah, this is actually every week. You are guest stars.
Introducing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Well, that means it's my first breakout role.
Yeah. Well, I take that as a compliment.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude. 18 across.
Nonsense exclamation point in quotations. Balder dash.
Balder dash. Bullshit.
Balder dash. Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 You think this guy, Will Shorts, is cool in real life? Will Shorts? How about Will Short? New York Times. Will shits his pants.

Speaker 2 Got his ass. Fuck you, Will Shorts.
Suck our fucking cross. Suck my cop.

Speaker 2 The New York Times crossword for you. For you, it's my dick.
Tied in a knot.

Speaker 2 Put it in your mouth and undo it. Like a Starburst wrapper.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 somehow that's a crossword. Slutty girls know how to tie dicks into knots in their mouths.
That's how you know if a girl's a slut.

Speaker 2 Well, my dick is the same size as a cherry stem, so that thing would always get the hardest shit.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. That's how you know she a freak.
That's how you know she a freak. 15 down.
That's how you know she a fucking freak. 15 down.

Speaker 2 Boise state, Idaho. Hey, how about boise

Speaker 2 state, Idaho? 19. But it's just guys you can have sex with.
19. Birds on some Australian coins.
Cooco. Emu

Speaker 2 Emus.

Speaker 2 Is it three letters? Four letters, you fucking imbecile. Emu has four letters? Emus.

Speaker 2 E-M-U-S. Ostrich.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I'm still not sure it's that, so I'm not going to. I think they're.

Speaker 2 It's what? What is it?

Speaker 2 Chuck Todd. You want to ask your friend Chuck Todd? Yeah, hey, how about a lifeline, huh? Regis? You know that I'm a birds expert.

Speaker 2 We'll be right back with who wants to be a faggot. It's always Adam.
feels good to have sex with men. Whoa!

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, you know what? I like it's fucking guys.

Speaker 2 I forget what Reese's sounds like. That's pretty good.

Speaker 2 It's like me, just he's Albanian. Is he? Yeah, yeah, he's healthy Regis Albanian.
What? Yeah. Elder Snow is all the famous Albanian.
I thought he was like an old Irish. I don't know this one.

Speaker 2 Four down. Arch enemy of the Fantastic Four.
Not gonna do it. Doctor Doom.
Doctor Doom. So it's D-R-D-O-O-M.

Speaker 2 I suppose, yes. Doctor Doom.
How did you know that? Bro, I dabble in comics. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that shit a little bit.

Speaker 2 Not enough to read a whole comic, but my mom would get me like a book, like a big-ass

Speaker 2 coffee table book about comics.

Speaker 2 And I would read those. Oh, so you're into the genre, but not the.

Speaker 2 I just was too fucking lazy to read a fucking whole comic book. Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? It seemed like it seemed tedious. It's pictures.
It's pictures. I'd rather.
I mean,

Speaker 2 I watched every comic book show. Like, I watched.
X-Men. X-Men.
I fucking love. But no,

Speaker 2 Sucking in the fuck, my dick. Sucking and fuck my dick.
Give us another crossword. Second, my house.
Three down. Snarky comment after this is your big chance.

Speaker 2 And it starts with a D, and it's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten letters. I think it's don't blow it.

Speaker 2 Maybe, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense that Nick would be an

Speaker 2 expert in snarky comments. You know, God is.
Snark and expertise. That is a snarky comment in and of itself.
Yeah. So, who's the real expert? Well, I'm just saying.
You're an

Speaker 2 compliment. You're a case expert.
This is a snarky comment. Uruburus.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? So we're sucking each other's office.
24.

Speaker 2 Is it disrespectful?

Speaker 2 The time stamp. How about this? Maybe we should take bets on what the timestamp is.
Ooh, I'd love to take bets. If only there was a way we could gamble.
I love gambling. Online, perhaps.

Speaker 2 At a website called Bet DSI. What?

Speaker 2 What is the time stamp?

Speaker 2 It's 41.20. 4120.
Oh, that's what Adam was going to say. Yeah, it was.
He would say that. But I should have bet.
I didn't want to bet.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to Chuck Todd that. Yeah.
I want to chuck Todd. Abetsi.com.

Speaker 2 The preeminent sports betting website on the internet with a solid track record of paying out people on time and an easy-to-use, fun-to-use mobile gambling interface, which is what they call an app for some reason.

Speaker 2 I don't know. A mobile.

Speaker 2 Gambling interface.

Speaker 2 You know what, Bet DSI, chill out. It's just called an app.
How about that? That's what I know.

Speaker 2 Scolding the company during their ads. That's what I'm doing.
I like that name. I mean, well, that would be

Speaker 2 an app.

Speaker 2 But guess what? We're not doing it. This is part of this show.
This is just me discussing a website that I use myself.

Speaker 2 I use it to gamble money on it recently. Right.

Speaker 2 I've never lost money because I've never picked anything wrong. Because Bet DSI, when you go there, their app is so easy to use, you can focus on it.
You will always win. You're always winning.

Speaker 2 Because you're so focused on the gambling. You're not like, what is this button? I don't know what this is.
And you're fucking up the things you want to bet on in your head. It's much easier.

Speaker 2 You know, it's in Vegas. They try and trick you into

Speaker 2 loud carpets. Loud carpets.
You know, women with a titties. Neon.
Bet DSI, it'll actually close all the porn tabs on your computer. Automatically.
Really focus on

Speaker 2 doing good gambling choices. They offer live in-game wagering so you can place fun bets throughout the fucking game.
And if you're not really into sports, they do any kind of live event.

Speaker 2 You know, bet on New Year's. What number is the ball going to drop at?

Speaker 2 Midnight. That's a funny one.
That's 20 to 1 odds. You pick zero.
Hey, I can't legally tell you that's the right number. But that might be the last number in the countdown.

Speaker 2 That's the thing you can bet on.

Speaker 2 You can bet on when Dr. Ruth is going to die.
Yes.

Speaker 2 You can bet on what a pussy looks like. What a pussy looks like.
How easy it would be to get it to prolapse. Yeah, you could just pop that shit out.

Speaker 2 You can bet on who the meet the press host Chuck is. Todd.

Speaker 2 Incorrect. Nope.
The answer is suck my dick. Please shut up.

Speaker 2 That's the guy's name. Well, thank you for saying that.
Chuck, please. Is Chuck Suck My Dick? Please shut up.
Bet DSI, guys, you got any picks? Well,

Speaker 2 I'll take the Cavs in game three.

Speaker 2 You will, huh? I'll say Cavs, like, on the whatever the line. It's plus five.
Plus five. I would probably take the Cavs game three.
Yeah. That's the only game they have a chance of winning.

Speaker 2 They should have won game one. Yeah.
And they, they, the Warriors didn't cover game one. They did not cover.
Absolutely not. They were 12-point favorites and they did not cover.
They won by like 10?

Speaker 2 So our pick, no.

Speaker 2 No, what the fuck. Didn't they pull away in overtime? Oh, fuck.
You're right. You're right.
You're right. But they didn't cover still.
Anyway, yeah, take the fucking Cavs plus five.

Speaker 2 That's our lock of the fucking week. Nick?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know if the Kentucky Derbies happened yet. It's already over.
All right. Well, if you won money on that, congrats.

Speaker 2 Hopefully you did it on betdsi.com. That's right.

Speaker 2 I'm betting on whether or or not Hereditary is going to be good. I bet it is after watching that after that movie Bet Rapid Film.
So go ahead and go to betthsi.com, check it out.

Speaker 2 Use promo code CUM25 to get an extra 20% on your deposit and an extra $200 credit

Speaker 2 for betting. So go ahead.

Speaker 2 Deposit that money. C-U-M25.
Capital C, lowercase U, lowercase M. Enjoy that bonus.
Enjoy the bonus. You know, on, actually, it's on them.
It's not really on us. us.
You can pretend it's on us.

Speaker 2 It's on us. And you can pretend you're friends with us.
Yeah. Because I know that's why a lot of you are keeping yourselves alive.

Speaker 2 You think you're friends with us? Which is pathetic. Which is pretty fucking sad.
Because we're

Speaker 2 you don't have any friends. We don't have any friends either.
I have no friends. What about each other?

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up. I'm sorry.
Stop trying to be my friend.

Speaker 2 Nick, we're clearly friends. Stop.
Go ahead. You know what? Go bet the SI and bet and see how long it takes before I fucking kill myself.

Speaker 2 That'd be a fun one.

Speaker 2 And we're back. We're not back.

Speaker 2 We've been here the whole time. What's up, dude? We gotta fucking do some ads soon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Keep forgetting.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we should fucking get it. You know what, guys? Guess what? We don't care about money.
We care about you.

Speaker 2 So from now on,

Speaker 2 no more ads. Just natural conversations

Speaker 2 that are related to underpants and gambling. Well, who knows? Or whatever.

Speaker 2 Or maybe

Speaker 2 we are at 45 minutes and 49 seconds. Yeah.
All right. Back to the crossword.

Speaker 2 Are we doing the crossword on this app? Is that disrespectful of the fans? No. People love hearing.
They love crosswords. They love crosswords.
You know how many DMs I get?

Speaker 2 They're like, guys, pretty good crosswords.

Speaker 2 When are the fucking... Do a crossword? Do a fucking maze.
Do one of those mazes on the back of their wings.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is your maze. All right, guys, left turn or right turn?

Speaker 2 Shoots and ladders. There we go.
Jeopardy, clue of the day. American quotes.
In a 1789 letter, Benjamin Franklin relates the durability of the new Constitution to these two things.

Speaker 2 What are his left ball and his right ball? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That would rule if it was. It's like a pair of titties.
I love Ben Franklin, dude. It's like, yeah, Ben Franklin.
It's like a French whore's pussy. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 And her father's cock. The darkness of Obama's skin.

Speaker 2 I can't believe he was racist. What was Ben Franklin talking about? Yeah, he was racist to Obama 200 years ago.
Wow. Prescient.
Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 2 On the $100 bill, there's him and then underneath him on a little ribbon

Speaker 2 in Latin.

Speaker 2 No blackest presidentis over my dead bodies.

Speaker 2 Me mortis corpus blackest presidentia.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 we all know T. Jeff fucked

Speaker 2 black.

Speaker 2 A lot of them fucked black girls. What's her name? Sally Heming? Sally Fields.
Fields.

Speaker 2 No, what's this bitch's name? Deborah of the King and I?

Speaker 2 Deborah Messing. No.

Speaker 2 That's not

Speaker 2 the four letters that I've been. That starts cunt.
No.

Speaker 2 Wait, say this again. First of all, was Deborah in the King and I? Was Deborah Messing in the King and I? No, no, no.
Then that's not the fucking answer. Debbie Reynolds? No.
It starts with a K.

Speaker 2 It's probably the character's name. It's not the act.
I don't remember that.

Speaker 2 K-A-N-E. I just remember he said.
Keene or Keene. Probably Keen.
Well, not probably. It's a crossword.
I don't fucking know. Nick, we don't know.
Just go to a different clue. Try to figure it out.

Speaker 2 I will. Chill out.
I don't have to freak out over one clue. I'm not freaking out.
I'm a hint, dude. You don't understand.

Speaker 2 He's the dark. Calm down.
He is dark. Everyone is fucking chill and being nice to each other, and you have to act like a fucking bitch.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
Apology pending. You know what?

Speaker 2 Why don't call me a fucking man? I'm going to be the bigger man and apologize before you can. No, I apologize first.
I clearly just apologized before I can. I got away from you.

Speaker 2 Guess who's apologizing earlier? Me. Well, I accept your apology.
As the hero of the show. And guess what? I did not know that.
Stop being my apology.

Speaker 2 I'm just kind of looking at what my dick looks like. All right.
Well, don't feed the thing back in there while the lock is in game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got it.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Damn, it'd be nice to have a big penis.
Yeah. Stav has the...

Speaker 2 No, I don't have Attenta three inches. I do not have Atta three inches.
I do not. He does.
He does.

Speaker 2 He does.

Speaker 2 Deflect, deflect, deflect. I like that we both chose the same name.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 That's how you know we're friends. That me and Stavros are friends and no one else.
These people take these things they say seriously.

Speaker 2 Okay, what else we got, man? What else we got on this? Nine down. What else? And then it's three letters and it ends with D.
And A and D.

Speaker 2 Probably. What else? Question mark? Okay, we're going to go and.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Good progress on this, yeah. But isn't it Monday's not the easiest one? Yeah, it's the return for the retailers.
Is it? Monday's the easiest one. Sunday's the hardest one? Is it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 Sorry. I didn't know know there were variable difficulties.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Sunday crossword thought.

Speaker 2 Well, I've done the Sunday crossword a million times. I've never noticed that.
A million times? A million times.

Speaker 2 Number eight down, server at a coffee house. Barista.
Yep. Yeah.
Sorry. That's easy money.
No, that's ever. Yeah, anyone could have gotten that.
I just needed to look at the thing.

Speaker 2 Even a baby could do that one. In fact, a baby did.
A baby wouldn't be sorry. A baby bug did that.
Don't bring that shit down.

Speaker 2 Don't you fucking dare,

Speaker 2 damn. Adam's gay.

Speaker 2 I can't wait till I'm on the cool beaches of Australia getting respect from well. Well, it's the podcast hosts that are going.
We don't, we haven't decided which guests we're going to take with us.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 I'm the introducing. All right, 10 down.
Random guess. Four letters, and there's a third letter is an A.

Speaker 2 Random guess?

Speaker 2 Hmm. Stab?

Speaker 2 Stab might work. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Take a stab at that pussy.

Speaker 2 Stab. 16 across.

Speaker 2 Silly prank.

Speaker 2 Gantic. A-N-T-I-C.
Okay.

Speaker 2 11 down. Pretty easy.
Get up.

Speaker 2 Get up.

Speaker 2 What close, maybe? Middle, four, four letters.

Speaker 2 Get up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Four letters. Oh, yeah.
And then Basra, I guess, is fucking eight across, so it's R-I-S,

Speaker 2 get up, rise.

Speaker 2 Ah,

Speaker 2 what my dick does. Okay.
When I see a cute woman, then 23 across is

Speaker 2 flyer from flower to flower. B.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, cool.
Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Keep going.

Speaker 2 All right. 32 down.

Speaker 2 What's 32 down?

Speaker 2 What's 32 down?

Speaker 2 You can say 400,000 a year.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 This is so much funnier than buying that recent wheel.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 I'm going to have to hear 32 now.

Speaker 2 So true.

Speaker 2 And then it's, yeah, so true in quotation. So it's an expression that means so true.

Speaker 2 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Speaker 2 Correct. Any letters? So true.
Totally. Totally.
It might be totally. I don't know.
Totally.

Speaker 2 Totally. It's a good job.
Hey, it's Gene Delray.

Speaker 2 Totally. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Totally.

Speaker 2 Totally, dude. It's so funny.
It's because, like, remember party like a rock. 64, golfer Ernie, Ernie Else.
Don't look at the clues. Why? I can't go ahead.
Yeah, you can't go ahead.

Speaker 2 Look how much empty space we have here. Well, just put in Ernie Else.
It looks like the back of Dash's pussy while you're shut up, dude.

Speaker 2 You can't talk that way. She's your friend, too.
I know. She's my friend.
Yeah. But she's cool.
She gets bits. She's my girlfriend.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 The thing about Dash that's cool about, like, especially the person, like, in a relationship, it's cool to have one person understands a bit.

Speaker 2 And that's what's cool about Dash is that she's

Speaker 2 that she gets bitch. We do all types of bits.

Speaker 2 No one's around me. And Dasha are holding hands while you're in the room.
No one, you never hold her hand. We hold hands all the time.
That's not true.

Speaker 2 A lot of people don't know this, but I'm often holding Dash's hand.

Speaker 2 While Adam's in the room.

Speaker 2 That's fine.

Speaker 2 We've been seen together becking. Canoodling.

Speaker 2 In the gossip magazine.

Speaker 2 National Inquirer has a picture of us feeding each other ice cream.

Speaker 2 Is it sorbet or Sherbert? And then we laugh.

Speaker 2 Like, thank God Adam's not here to ruin it. And I'm like, I know.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 It's so nice being friends with you.

Speaker 2 Little paddle boat

Speaker 2 for one of our classic afternoons out. Yeah, have your laughs.

Speaker 2 All right, let's get serious. All right, come on.
36 across, carrying a gun, armed. Armed.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Armed and fucked.

Speaker 2 Armed and slam durous. Slam puss durous.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Farmed.

Speaker 2 37 down. Active types.

Speaker 2 Tops.

Speaker 2 No. Or power bottom.
Active types.

Speaker 2 And it starts with a D. Doers.

Speaker 2 D-O-E-R-S. Doers.
I guess. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck thought of a crossword puzzle? This is a fucking dumbass idea. Benjamin Franklin.
Was it? Will shorts the first one? Will shorts. Let me see that dick.
Will shortcock.

Speaker 2 Will shorts his pants.

Speaker 2 Said that already.

Speaker 2 Dog, shelter, kennel.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Get that.

Speaker 2 This measuring tape feels substantial. I like it.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a good measuring tape.

Speaker 2 Is the clip at the end magnetic? Yes.

Speaker 2 It's a good one. Milwaukee.
16 foot.

Speaker 2 32 down. We're still.

Speaker 2 Okay, 29 across.

Speaker 2 This is a big one here.

Speaker 2 Boneless cut named for a New York restaurant.

Speaker 2 Strip, strip. No,

Speaker 2 because it's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, quarter house.

Speaker 2 That's got bones, doesn't it? It's got a bone. And it ends with, it's steak, as I'm assuming, the last.

Speaker 2 It ends with, but it's O steak. So something,

Speaker 2 something, O steak.

Speaker 2 Hmm. Interesting.
Very interesting.

Speaker 2 Peter Lou. Guys, if you got

Speaker 2 any input, please feel free to write into the show. Well, actually, this will come out on Wednesday.
Video box 582-61-1723.

Speaker 2 Brooklyn, New York. That's B-R-O-K-C.

Speaker 2 Just a letter.

Speaker 2 We don't have a P.O. box at all.

Speaker 2 P.O. Box 2182.
Brooklyn, New York. That's B-R-F-K-K-K-C-L.

Speaker 2 12-B-L. Dub, the three.

Speaker 2 Learning how to read

Speaker 2 recently.

Speaker 2 Were you guys early readers? Me? Yeah, actually, yeah. I learned how to read pretty fast.
I was too. I was like two, one, maybe.
Yeah, I was at in my mom's pussy.

Speaker 2 They would stuff a fucking Jugs magazine in there. I was called

Speaker 2 Swasta because I was at Club International inside of my mom's pussy. You did graffiti in your mom's pussy? Legal graffiti.
Yeah, that's when I started tagging. New York Times likes

Speaker 2 saucer in the sky for short, UFO. Where is 34? Do that one.
Nice.

Speaker 2 Damn, this is really pretty easy. Yeah.
It is exceptional. The O steak I'm annoyed at, though.
Cheap section on a plane. Coach? COO.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would say coach.

Speaker 2 How about that show, Coach? But instead of being about a coach, it's about a guy that flies, coach. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Thanks. Did you guys ever watch Coach? I used to watch it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
With what's his name?

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 He was bald. Craig T.
Nelson. Craig T.
Nelson. Yeah.
What else is Craig in? He does that Twitter. Poltergeist.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Poltergeist with the little girl Helen O'Rourke, who was raped to death by Jewish producers. Whoa.
Set of Jeopardy. I don't know about Jewish.

Speaker 2 Wait, is that for real? Yeah. God.
Yeah, she was anally raped so bad she got like an ass infection that was misdiagnosed as like Crohn's disease and it eventually killed her. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 And it was on the set of Jeopardy? It was on the set of Jeopardy at Hollywood Center Studios, renamed Sunset Las Palmas Studios, my former workplace. Wow.

Speaker 2 And I would go around those studios and just go up to random people, you know, be like,

Speaker 2 did you know that the little girl from Poltergeist was raped to death on that stage right there? And they're like, I'm sorry, what show are you writing on? Is that one of the Moshe Cashers show?

Speaker 2 You know how they got the term daily double?

Speaker 2 No. They would put

Speaker 2 fucker. That's right.
They doubled it.

Speaker 2 Choo-choo choo-choo choo. And that's the child rape bonus.

Speaker 2 Okay, and we have an architect from Columbus, Ohio, Glenn. And you actually have an interesting tidbit about this studio.

Speaker 2 That's right, Alex. I'm a big fan of blind items.

Speaker 2 My wife, who's actually a gay man like me, got me into them. And

Speaker 2 we were reading one the other day.

Speaker 2 The little girl from the movie Poltergeist, actually, was Alex like, but we don't need to talk about that. That's an idea.
Hold on, she was raped to death here by you.

Speaker 2 Did Trebek shave his mustache? He did for a couple of years, and then he grew it back. Fuck that.
No, is it back? It's back. It's been back for years.
No, I think he's on shit.

Speaker 2 What did Trebek do before hosting Jeopardy? He was Canadian. He was Canada.
He was the president of Canada. Uh-huh.
Canada.

Speaker 2 He's just in Chevy. Wasn't Poltergeist one of those movies that's like cursed and like a bunch of people died from it?

Speaker 2 Was Alex Trebeck just a TV show host? And then he was just like, I'm just going to do Jeopardy, or was he like a guy who knows a lot of facts?

Speaker 2 He was the smartest man in Canada.

Speaker 2 And then Jordan Peterson, now that he lost.

Speaker 2 He's who Jordan Peterson is. The Hannibal Elector of Canada.

Speaker 2 He ate it.

Speaker 2 you think Jordan Peterson could host Jeopardy then no way well isn't he

Speaker 2 snice Marsh Sheba

Speaker 2 56 down six optional day to get pussy

Speaker 2 56 down is what so silly snow white dude she got fucked by all the dwarves 55 across

Speaker 2 if you pay attention to

Speaker 2 Disney movie pussy

Speaker 2 I like this

Speaker 2 because I watched all the Disney movies

Speaker 2 Is that what happened? That's Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson watched all the Disney movies? Yeah, he likes doing lectures about

Speaker 2 Disney and the Bible and stuff.

Speaker 2 I like that person.

Speaker 2 Jordan

Speaker 2 Beaters.

Speaker 2 Beat her son off. Yeah.
Does he have any children? Nah. He's gay.

Speaker 2 Is there a type of gay where you're just gay for yourself and you jack off in the mirror? Yeah, that's what you are. It's called narcissism.
It's called Adam's frequency.

Speaker 2 But that's gay, though, right? Because you're a guy. Adam narcissist.
It's called Adam. What do you face?

Speaker 2 You don't have to say things like that. I know.
I know. I know.

Speaker 2 He chooses to. He doesn't have to, but he chooses to.

Speaker 2 Don't shh.

Speaker 2 It's okay. No, no, no.
It's okay. I'm so.

Speaker 2 You don't have to.

Speaker 2 Computer.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 2 What else we got on the crosshair, man? 48 across.

Speaker 2 180 degrees from south by southwest. North by north by the southwest.

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought they were talking about rocking out. This is way too easy.
At that fest.

Speaker 2 Fuck south by southwest. How about that? How about you get a big

Speaker 2 computer? Also, somebody asked me to shout out Fun Church. I don't know what that is, but hey, fuck it.
Go for it. How about shout out to Fun Church? Don't die.
Oh, some guy on my Twitter.

Speaker 2 Don't ever dare ask me to know it's my wallet. And I'm cutting, I'm cutting it up.
Someone said it, yeah, cool. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, don't ever accuse me of being too scared to shout out something. Oh, that'll work.
Because I saw you said you didn't want to do it because you were worried it was some child-born thing.

Speaker 2 I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 Did I say that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't think I did. Oh, some guys asked me to shout out something.
Go ahead. I just want to give a shout out to Identity Evropa.

Speaker 2 I don't know what that is.

Speaker 2 But he asked me to give a shout out to

Speaker 2 Identity Ev Ropa. A bunch of good guys out there.
A bunch of chill blokes. Evan Williams.

Speaker 2 They all do look like Evan. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's shorter. He's a specimen, that boy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Evan's almost not short. He's like maybe

Speaker 2 like 5'7? I'd say exactly a quarter inch

Speaker 2 below below the short limit. But he's buffed, so it makes you look shorter.
Yeah. That's why you shouldn't get buffed, dude.
You're going to look even shorter. If you go wider,

Speaker 2 it's going to make you look smaller.

Speaker 2 I'm not short. Okay, you can't say that publicly.

Speaker 2 You can say that we're not friends. You can make up whatever lies you want, but you cannot call me short on this program.
Wow, I guess we discovered who's actually

Speaker 2 I was insecure as a younger person, but now I'm

Speaker 2 of an average height. I'm 5'10.
I'm very heavy, but I'm 5'10. You're 5'9.

Speaker 2 I'm 5'10. You're 5'10.
I'm not one inch taller than you. You're one inch taller.
You're right, because you're not. Me and Nigga are the same height, and we're 5'7 ⁇ .5.

Speaker 2 You're not 5'7 ⁇ . Nick's 5'7 ⁇ .
I'm 5'8 ⁇ . Adam's 5'9.
That is not true. That is not true.
Yes, it is true. Me and Niger are the same height.
You want to talk about hair height.

Speaker 2 You look like fucking a lot of people. You got Kramer going right now.

Speaker 2 My hair just does that. That's just what you're doing.
You're a nigga the same height you're at. You're three-quarters inches.

Speaker 2 You're three-quarters inches taller. I don't know how to think.

Speaker 2 How do you think your hair into growing a certain way? You also wear high heels and women's weights. You are wearing high heels.
I'm not wearing high heels or anything. That is true.

Speaker 2 We're actually all the same height.

Speaker 2 You always wear stiletto heels. Yeah, you're always wearing women's shoes, and your breast implants and your nails make you taller.
It's not women's shoes. Your necklace makes you taller.

Speaker 2 There are a series of male elevator shoes. They were popular in the 1970s.

Speaker 2 I don't want to shit on him,

Speaker 2 but when you you do the impression of him, you talk like this, so you know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 Who wears elevator shoes.

Speaker 2 And it was pointed out to me, and I didn't realize it. And then the next time I saw him, I looked down, and he's got custom shoes made.
It's incredible.

Speaker 2 It's amazing. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
To go do open mics.

Speaker 2 Like he's fucking David Spade at the premiere of Tommy Boy. He's got custom fake shoes, elevator shoes.
Hell yeah, dude. That is psychopathy.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They make elevator shoes that look at first glance like normal shoes. They make them good.
That is so fucking humiliating. Yeah, it's insane.

Speaker 2 As a short person, I can't imagine ever doing that. You're not short.

Speaker 2 You're kind of smaller than average. I'm sure.
That's technical. Short is like 5'8.

Speaker 2 No, it's 5'8 is short.

Speaker 2 There's nothing wrong with being short. I feel like in Australia, we're gonna be short.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 people are big.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to suck some big Australian shoes. I can't wait to

Speaker 2 go from cumboys to cum blokes. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Someone told me that

Speaker 2 he needs to confront you in Australia because you sexted with this girl he fucked five years ago. Oh, nice.
Yeah, so get ready for a confrontation.

Speaker 2 That's cool. He's going to throw a boomerang at your big dumb head.
Yeah, right, dude.

Speaker 2 Tell him I said.

Speaker 2 When you talk to him, tell him that I said to the girl, what's up? Yeah, okay, I will.

Speaker 2 And if you come at Stavros, you're dealing with me, too. He's the only one on the show whose back I have.
What are you talking about? You want to fight Adam?

Speaker 2 You say whatever you want about Adam. In real life, you've had my back multiple times.
That's true. It's true, because you keep fucking right.
I carried you. I do get into.
I get into it.

Speaker 2 Adam's like the mouthy girlfriend

Speaker 2 that we have to fight people about. I can be a bitch sometimes.
But the pussy's so good. The boy pussy's so good.
You're hooked on this pussy. Yeah.
58. Steer.
You're addicted.

Speaker 2 If that's a void, this is just way too easy. It's the Monday Crossword.
Oh, man. I hate when I think I'm doing good at something and then it turns out to be for retards.

Speaker 2 It's going to be so funny when there's definitely going to be a guy that gets the New York Times Monday crossword and like plays long with us.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we should just start doing these. He has like a circular table and there's a picture of each of us at like an on the like an empty play setting.

Speaker 2 He's like, all right, boys. He figures out how to get each fucking audio input to talk out of the fucking retail.
Yeah, like out of each picture.

Speaker 2 Each of the channels corresponds to a different. I was like, god damn it, Adam's on channel three this episode.

Speaker 2 That's kind of the ideal way to consume the podcast. It's a friendship simulator, right? You know what? I might build that.

Speaker 2 I might sell that to somebody once I get because you know what I'm doing with the merch. I took all those shirts down because I didn't like the quality they were sending out, so I'm going to do

Speaker 2 Chinese crap. Yeah.
So I'm going to open the store back up, and for $1,000, I will build you a cabinet where each of our channels is piped individually to

Speaker 2 cut outs of

Speaker 2 pictures. That actually kind of rules sit there with us while we do live.
It is actually incredible.

Speaker 2 I'm sure you could charge like $50,000 for that and sell like four. Yeah, yeah.
No, I probably could sell each one of those for about $8,000.

Speaker 2 Easy, easy money, dude. Because it would have to have, there would have to be a separate multi-channel RSS feed that handles.
I don't even know if RSS feeds or MP3s can handle multi-channel or not.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know. And split up the channel because it would have to be like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Maybe three different MP3s. No, it could be the same MP3 because MP3s do have multi-channel support.
I don't know to what extent.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you're thinking cardboard cutout, I think left-right center channel. Yeah.
Yeah. I think if you're thinking cardboard cutout, you might be thinking a little smaller.

Speaker 2 It wouldn't be cardboard cutout. I would do it like buying

Speaker 2 a cabinet out of MDF and then get some kind of big sticker wrap.

Speaker 2 Module of dick. Fuck.
Oh, you wouldn't do like animatronic heads like the Hall of Presidents at the time. That takes way too much.
Well, I'm animatronic. I think we should put a little money.

Speaker 2 I mean, listen, we make money from the show. I think we can put a little RD into this.

Speaker 2 So we can make one. A really nice dick.
Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 Put a little RD into it.

Speaker 2 How about NRD? You know what I'm saying? Nope.

Speaker 2 No, not that. Okay.

Speaker 2 I just thought maybe people would like it if it was an RD. I feel like we'll just keep going because this episode is so dumb, but I do want to plug my Seattle dates real quick, guys.

Speaker 2 Pacific Northwest, I'm going to be at Laughs in Seattle on June 28th at 8:30. Please get those tickets.
And by the time you hear this, the ticket link will be up for Funhouse Lounge in Portland.

Speaker 2 That is on Tuesday, July 3rd, a little pre-holiday comedy show extravaganza. So please get those.
Also, I'm going to be in Rhode Island on June 22nd, a week before that, with good old Doug Key.

Speaker 2 Choat Island's Choad Island. It's where I live.

Speaker 2 I live on Choad Island. So go to stavcomedy.com/slash shows, and there's links for all those.
Please come out to those, motherfuckers. I would love to see you there.

Speaker 2 Adam, what are you doing? Why are you hiding on the other side of the room? Sorry. Putting on your makeup.

Speaker 2 Now, let's continue with this crossword.

Speaker 2 40 across. Some showy blossoms, informally.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Orchid?

Speaker 2 Informally. What did you say? Some showy? Some showy blossoms.
Informally.

Speaker 2 It's one, two, three, four, five letters. The second and third letter L.A.

Speaker 2 Hmm.

Speaker 2 Showy blossoms informally. It's not orchid.

Speaker 2 This is the only hard one. I guess we're just going to.
Well, the steak one was hard. It's 41 down.
It's what the question mark. Who cares? So fuck, but it's three letters.
What the ass?

Speaker 2 What the ass? What the tit. What's the.
Oh, what's the deal? What's the

Speaker 2 heck?

Speaker 2 What's the deal? What the hell?

Speaker 2 What's the big idea? What's

Speaker 2 no, what's the maybe BFG? What's the big fucking BFD? What's the big fucking deal?

Speaker 2 Yes. What's the BFD? That's not like a thing.
Yeah, it is. You ever heard that? What's the BFD? People say BFD is a thing.
Yeah, BFD is a thing.

Speaker 2 Obviously, you don't play crosswords, so that's why you don't know how to cuss. I know.
I learned how to cuss from the New York Times crossword. Will Shorts.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know where I learned how to fuck? From the Will Shorts, New York Times crossword.

Speaker 2 Who is Will Shorts? He's like the crossword guy.

Speaker 2 That's his whole thing is he makes crosswords. Yeah, I think he was like a lawyer that was really good at puzzles.
That sucks. What a stupid fucking life.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's probably really happy. Fuck him.
Fuck Will Schwartz. I hope he's not happy.
Why fuck him?

Speaker 2 He makes a crossword every fucking day. That's hard.
That sucks, dick. You got to make sure all the letters work and all the colours.
I hate crosswords. They're fucking boring as shit.

Speaker 2 They are boring. They're not boring.
They're fun. It's literally just something you do when you're trying to get through the podcast.

Speaker 2 You make $200,000 a year for.

Speaker 2 When you're tired of having to deal with your quote-unquote friend.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, quote-unquote? Quote-unquote. Don't quote me.
Quote this dick.

Speaker 2 How about saying to a woman like, yeah, I'm sorry about your rape on raped pussy.

Speaker 2 Nick was doing scare quotes. Yeah, you do scare quotes and you say that.
Is that what they're called?

Speaker 2 I always thought they were air quotes. They were air.
But then people say scare quotes. Somebody, everybody's mad at me for doing black on black face.

Speaker 2 They're called air quotes. What the fuck? What do you mean, air scare quotes? Well, it's the scare quotes when they're in text.

Speaker 2 When you in text put quotation marks around something to like snarkily imply that that's not. Like whenever anyone writes, like the so-called comedian, those are called square quotes.

Speaker 2 I didn't know that. Imploy

Speaker 2 sarcasm.

Speaker 2 Can we go back to what you just said, black on black face? Is it wrong for a black person to do blackface?

Speaker 2 Like a light-skinned black person? Like, Drake did blackface, and everyone's mad at him.

Speaker 2 Wait, Drake did blackface? Yeah, he's in trouble right now. They found a picture from like 2008 where he did blackface.
Why is that not in the arts section? It should be in the arts section.

Speaker 2 Is that what graffiti with consent means?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Blackface.
With consent.

Speaker 2 The New York Times finds a new way to do blackface. Yeah, it's Kanye.
Here's the way you're looking at it all wrong. It's not that Drake did blackface, it's that a Jewish Canadian man did blackface.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's fucked up. I think we can all agree.
I just don't get it. I mean, I

Speaker 2 it's it's far be it from me to say, but it should be allowed.

Speaker 2 Pull this up. I gotta see what the blackface is.

Speaker 2 I gotta see. Yeah,

Speaker 2 he's doing wild blackface. I can't believe, Nick, you missed this.
This was like the biggest news of last week.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it feels like you should be all over. Don't you have a Google alert for anything? Where Black Blackface comes up?

Speaker 2 Siri, pull up Drake.

Speaker 2 Blackface.

Speaker 2 Damn, I want sushi, dude. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm down. I'm going to get salmon avocado.
I got to take the biggest shit in the world.

Speaker 2 The podcast, you know, from now on, guys, we're going to go as long as possible until I have to shit. I have to piss.
Yeah. The bathroom stops the pod, not Adam's interjections.

Speaker 2 What are we at right now? We got to be at like an hour 20. Hour 15.
Hour 15. We'll cut it in.
XXL. Drake Blackface.
You didn't see it.

Speaker 2 No, I didn't see it, man.

Speaker 2 Legalized it. Blackface.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm gay. Yeah, Pusha T racist tweets exposed after Blackface games.
Is that it? No, I mean. Push it T had racist tweets? Push it T's black as hell, bro.
Push a T to Drake.

Speaker 2 You are silent on all black issues.

Speaker 2 Just look at the

Speaker 2 blackface. Just look at the push.
It's all about Pusha T. Yeah, they had a.
Is it the Push-a-t exposed the picture during their rap battle. Drake explains Blackface photo from Push-At's single.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that's where he lost because he apologized. Yeah.
Never apologized. Cometown rule number one: never apologize.
I've never learned anything. Actually, that's a me rule.

Speaker 2 Well, I've just adopted it. Well, you've taught me.

Speaker 2 I probably will apologize. I'm a protege.

Speaker 2 You little Mazda Miata. I probably would apologize.
Yeah, Adam's my protege, but he's more like a Miata.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Speaker 2 Adam, write that down so I can say it again to your face.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I'm right in, Tom.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Legalizes.

Speaker 2 Nick's my sense gay.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Why don't you go wax off my cock?

Speaker 2 Get his cock smoothest. Mr.
Mihorny.

Speaker 2 Mr. Mihorny.
Mr. Horny.
Mr. Horny.

Speaker 2 Did you see the picture? That's why my bonsai I'm ready for a blow, Joe. You didn't see the picture? I saw the picture.
Who cares, man? We were doing a riff about doing Mr. Horny.

Speaker 2 The Karate Kid.

Speaker 2 The Gay Roti. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Gay Roti. Karate.
Karate Dick. Gay Roti dick.

Speaker 2 The Gay Rotti.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Set him up. We knock him down.
Any word. Watch.

Speaker 2 Watch my ass, dude. He's doing the crane kick, and then he switches, and he just lands on.
What about the brain? Adam Adam doing the brain kick. The brain kick.

Speaker 2 Where he's sucking cock on top of a pylon. And we're kicking him in the head while he's sucking our dicks.
That would be rude.

Speaker 2 Him at the finals of the karate tournament. He sucks that blonde kid's dick.
He's like, what's happening? And his coach is like, you're gay now. You're off the team.

Speaker 2 And they're like, Cobra Kai, lose by

Speaker 2 forfeit by being kicked off team from being gay.

Speaker 2 And they're like, you did it, Daniel.

Speaker 2 You're the best. around.

Speaker 2 Nothing's going to ever keep you down. You're the best around.
He's just like wiping the calm off his head.

Speaker 2 That would be a great thing. You tried your best, and it wasn't good enough.
And the man's got to learn to take it.

Speaker 2 Take it real hard inside your body. You got to spread out real wide.

Speaker 2 And if you get scared, you'll tense up. And that's how you tear your asshole while being raped inside of jail.
You're the best around.

Speaker 2 Convince yourself that you want it. You're the best

Speaker 2 around.

Speaker 2 No amount of karate can save you because they have been locked up for 10 years just waiting for some new pussy.

Speaker 2 And that's you, Adam.

Speaker 2 They've been waiting. So, to recap.
Everybody's going to hold you down. Come on, fuck.
You're ass.

Speaker 2 To recap, an old Chinese man named Mr. Miyage has trained me in the art of sucking dick so that I can get back at my bullies who humiliated me at the beginning of the month.

Speaker 2 I was like, we should never have left Jersey.

Speaker 2 Your father said California would do this to you. I didn't believe him.
We've been here four hours.

Speaker 2 You're already taking dick-sucking lessons from some old Chinese guy.

Speaker 2 Mr. Miyage teaches the city of the Spanish.
Wait, where's the riding kick

Speaker 2 set? set? I think Southern California.

Speaker 2 His single mom moves him from Jersey to SoCal. That's right.
For a better life.

Speaker 2 It is a better life.

Speaker 2 That's the most depressing thing in the world. Being a single mom that's like, if we just move to Santa Barbara, I'll stop being a fucking whore.
It's lovely.

Speaker 2 I know I won't be a whore that gets beat up by a boyfriend

Speaker 2 out there. It's really nice.
It's a better life for my son, and then he just turns into a meth addict. Santa Barbara is really nice.
And I don't think they beat women there. Yeah, they do.

Speaker 2 I don't think think you just smell like coconut

Speaker 2 while you get beat. That's the difference.
Yeah, they do it with avocado, dude.

Speaker 2 Fish. California style.
Fish tacos. And this is what Jake says.

Speaker 2 I know everyone is enjoying the circus, but I want to clarify this image in question. This was not from a clothing brand shoot or my music career.

Speaker 2 This picture is from 2007, a time in my life when I was an actor and I was working on a project that was about young black actors struggling to get roles, being stereotyped in typecasts.

Speaker 2 The photos were represented. Photos represented how African Americans were once wrongfully portrayed in entertainment.
Me and my best friend at the time, Mazin Elsadig, who is an actor from Sudan.

Speaker 2 Ooh, that sounds black. Sucking hella digging.

Speaker 2 So damn black. That's what that country means.
Yeah. We're attempting to use our voice to bring awareness to the...
It's just blackface. Yeah, he's just doing blackface.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why didn't he just take the L, bro? Why doesn't he just say, I'm fucking black, you idiot? Yeah, I'm black. I don't understand why he didn't do that.

Speaker 2 He's like, I say the N-word in every one of my songs. It's the same fucking thing.
Because he's, I don't know, he's Jewish and he worries about not being thought of as a bad person.

Speaker 2 That's problematic to say that someone with one white parent, one black parent isn't. I know.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's not a problem. I didn't say he's not.
It was about all of these Jewish people. All the struggles that Drake has had in his life.

Speaker 2 I mean, we know that he's literally stopping the police every time he leaves his house. It's true.
He's followed around stores. Well, what Pusha T T says is that he's not a bad person.

Speaker 2 He's more likely to be, like every black person with a blog, he's more likely to be shot to death by police. We hear that story every day, you know?

Speaker 2 Every single day, another writer for the rude is murdered by the police.

Speaker 2 That's who the police go after. Blogs.

Speaker 2 Rich, fat people that happen to be dark, even though they talk like autistic white people.

Speaker 2 That's who's getting it.

Speaker 2 It's not poor black people who don't know how to blog.

Speaker 2 What Pusha T said in the song is that his mother got fucked by some guy in a Steve Harvey suit and then

Speaker 2 abandoned his family. Which is a great line.
Which was a really,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Love this. Is that what's through your Popeyes?

Speaker 2 We got, oh, this month, the Popeyes. Did he say that? That was the line.
Mom got fucked by somebody in a Steve Harvey suit. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't know those exact words, but he did say Steve Harvey suit, which was like a good one. Yeah, he got to go.
Any else expose him for having a fake son?

Speaker 2 Well, he he has a illegitimate family. Yeah.
Drake's got an illegitimate family. Well, then they said it was with a porn star.
So then, obviously, I went on fucking porn hub to see.

Speaker 2 She has three hardcore videos. She doesn't have any hardcore videos.

Speaker 2 She just shows her pussy. Yeah.
She's barely. It's softcore.
She's not a fucking porn star. She's hot, so I would fuck her.
No, she's a butterface.

Speaker 2 I like a little stand. She's, I mean, she's got a big butt.
Big fat ass. Yeah, she's a pog.
Drake has a secret baby with a pog. I love pogs.
Named Adonis.

Speaker 2 But you know what? It's just gossip. You know? Yeah, it is.
People in the 90s were killing each other. This is an Adam Friedland rap fact.
You know?

Speaker 2 People die.

Speaker 2 They should kill each other. I think they should kill each other.

Speaker 2 You think one of them should kill the other. Yeah, right now they're like, ah, you're.
It's just whatever.

Speaker 2 Damn, we really had something going there with the crossword.

Speaker 2 Oh, that crossword thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good. You're the gayest guy that I've ever met inside my life.
And I fucked. You have.
All right. I got to take a dump and we got to eat that sushi.

Speaker 2 All right, right, this looks good. All right, thanks, everybody.
Um, anything else? No, uh, Auto Bar, August 12th, whatever, whatever. Funny moms.
Oh, funny moms this Monday. Next Monday.
Next Monday.

Speaker 2 When you're hearing this. The 12th? Yeah, the 11th or the 12th or some shit.
Okay. Chris DeStefano's on that.
Someone else is on it. Yeah.
It's going to be a good show.

Speaker 2 And yeah, Seattle, Portland, and Rhode Island this month for me, guys. Please come out and check those out.
Bye.