Ep. 103 – easily the worst episode in awhile

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Hello, and welcome to the big ass dick hour.

I'm your host, Andy DickHour.

We gotta do something a little different this time in terms of the live reads.

Okay, because they complained about

what?

Doing them at the same time.

Oh, okay.

Oh, we gotta split them up.

We decided this differently.

Yeah, we start with one and then halfway through do another?

No, because

they were like, oh, well, the audience is what happens when you do them at a certain point, the audience knows it's advertising time, so they stop listening.

Which, like, they want to hear the rest of the show, though.

Somebody's going to go through the hassle of being, you know.

Well, not when you do good-ass reads like that, and they're funny.

Yeah, they said that too.

They said because we do good ones, that it's not a problem.

Okay.

But we still have to do the rules are rules.

We got to break them up.

First of all, don't come to come town with rules.

That's right.

Except we are going to follow them, it sounds like.

Well, just because I like having two different timers.

You should get a second.

They said that, and then I developed a system.

Yes,

you start programming immediately.

Once the systems,

once there was an opportunity for new systems to be put in place, I got my replacement Bonsai's today.

Oh, what do you mean replacement ones?

Well, I left the old ones at

the old apartment.

Oh, so you just bought new ones.

Right.

Things are are displayed.

The store didn't say we sold you malfunctioning bonds.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I don't start beasts with customer service departments to get shit for free.

That's what you do constantly.

The word replace to me.

You get Amazon Prime for free because you constantly yell at Amazon on the phone.

No, not constantly.

Because they lose his.

Yeah, because USPS misses my packages and you just call Amazon and you say, yeah, USPS lost.

So that's exactly what you just described.

No, no, no.

You're saying you get something for free because you complain to customers.

I'm constantly yelling at Amazon, which is not true.

If something doesn't show up, you call Amazon and you say, hey, did it show up?

And they go, okay, here's a month of Prime for free.

And you say, oh, thanks.

And I think that the Bonsai Tree people deserve the same kind of treatment.

I didn't get a Bonsai.

I bought a new tree.

I'm just saying, theoretically, if they sold you a faulty bonsai tree, one that was on fire or something like that, you get home and it's like, you know, messed up.

All right, that's enough.

I mean, I feel like we've had a lot of money.

There is a glee, though.

You do enjoy when someone fucks something up.

I hate the post office, but that's an extension of my nature to the federal government.

That's right, that's right.

That's you copying Mark Maron.

What do you mean it's me copying Mark Monon?

Mark Maron's thing is.

What is all this projection you're doing?

It's called teasing.

It's called playful teasing.

Your biggest criticism of anyone is that they're Mark Maron, which is some internal theory.

An annoying Jew.

Right, yeah.

Who people only listen to because of his podcast.

But at least mark did it all himself right exactly damn you're like double mark marin adam yeah it's true thank you

are you gonna start playing guitar remember that motherfucker play guitar remember when mark marin started playing guitar on his shit that's when i was like i can't listen there's a picture of him like shredding i've never i've never listened i've listened to one episode of what the fuck ever in my life there's a couple good i listened the one with big j is hilarious the one i the only one i listened to i listened to because i was in some girl's car and we had to like drive to dallas or something she's like I'm not watching a Mark Marin.

Who was this person?

Just some dumb bitch.

Dallas, huh?

Yeah.

Weren't you telling me that everyone in Dallas is like, is jacked?

Yeah, the whole comedy is jacked.

Yeah, there's like, that's like the only scene with jacked comedians.

There's no fat coming out.

Los Angeles has it too.

No, they're fat, but then they're also bigger.

But they got big traps.

But they got big necks.

That's my shit, dude.

I'm going to have big traps, big arms.

People are just big there in general.

I'm going to have a little stomach, a little cushion for the pushing for when a girl's perched upon my beautiful, glistening,

oiled-up body.

Natural oils, by the way.

I don't need no other fucking shit.

What, secretions?

Secretions, that's right.

Sexual secretions.

I'm like a fucking dodo that gets its fucking feathers all glistening

when it's fucking...

There's got to be a bird that like...

Does dodos spit on themselves?

I don't know, but it doesn't exist.

You had to come up with any bird, and you picked the only one that doesn't exist.

Yeah, because there's no way to fact-check me, motherfuckers.

Well, you could read it.

There's a book or an encyclopedia, probably.

No.

No.

No, there isn't.

There was no bird research at the time.

I do respect what birds do to get pussy.

You like birds?

No, I actually hate birds.

I really don't like them.

But I respect what they do to get pussy.

They all have like dances and like how the guys have like colorful plumage and then the to get pussy, and then the girls are all like gray.

Exactly.

Well, some girls are pretty.

Some birds are pretty girls.

Hummingbirds probably

walk fast.

Fast and loose.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

What animal do you admire, Nick?

Admire?

I don't know if I admire any.

You don't admire any animals?

No.

You don't like it?

Mandrills are pretty cool.

What's a man's reel?

It's a baboon with face paint.

Oh, yeah, those rock.

I like how...

That goes to show you what our asses would look like if we never wiped our asses.

All monkeys' asses are so fucked up.

They have poop asses.

That's mostly baboons.

That's got to hurt, bro.

Baboons have those swollen asses.

That looks horrible.

That's like a secondary sex characteristic of baboons.

They like to put that huge ass to attract mates.

Really?

So the thicker the baboon, the more pussy?

It's like you ought to be careful with any of that shit because it just sounds racist.

What?

Saying thick baboons get pussy?

I guess.

Yeah.

Dude, it's not racist.

They throw their ass out to attract mates.

Talking about baboons.

It would be funny if that's the thing someone takes out of context and ruins you, although, what way would that even be possible?

I've given you plenty of things in context.

But that's what I mean.

It would be hilarious if it was something out of context.

Just in context,

I think we do at least three different types of mentally disabled characters per show.

You took that out of context.

The context was me saying it to other racist guys that enjoyed the thing I was saying.

No, it wasn't me.

It was the character

Gay Retard saying it.

So I am, it was satire on it.

It was Lieutenant Faggot.

It's a satire on our military.

United States Gay Army, formerly known as the Marines.

It's a character.

Sir, yes, sir.

I am gay, sir.

At ease?

That just means unclench your asshole on his dick.

That's what at ease means in that scenario.

And the saluting, they just have like a dildo, and then they get all straight, and then they plug it in their mouth.

Damn, I can't wait to join the gay army.

Yeah.

Formerly known as the U.S.

Suck per fuck.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Semper Gay.

Semper by.

Semper by, that's good.

Yeah.

Do they have a snake in any of their stuff?

No, right?

Or do they have like an eagle or something?

The only place that has a snake is like the Gatson flag.

The medical, whatever that

staff with the snakes around it.

Oh, yeah.

It's like a torch or something.

Yeah.

It's crazy how long they've been using that symbol, and it still goes on ambulances.

And it's been around for like 2,000 years.

2,000 years?

Something like that.

It's old.

It's from like Egyptians.

There's like a Roman Bible.

Wow.

I think.

Yeah, I don't know what it is.

But yeah.

I mean, nothing's been around that long.

Nope.

Except for ass eating.

Yeah.

Judaism.

Sure.

It is weird how long Judaism has been sticking around.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just one dumbass religion.

It's not even that many people.

Yeah.

It's a really small.

It's like maybe they.

They are like bad bugs.

It's impossible to get.

Once, you know, if too many of them poke their heads, we're going to do a, we're going to get rid of them.

But then they go into hiding.

Although

now they're getting, now at their nest, they're getting pretty

aggressive over at their nest.

I'm just saying.

We're going to get a bed of our own.

And they still just took someone else's bed again.

They did it again.

I don't know what you're talking about, Stop.

I saw there was a lovely ceremony with Jared and Ivanka

in Jerusalem to celebrate.

Oh, yeah, we talked about it on the live show, but we haven't talked about it on the actual show, have we?

Or did we do it already?

The brutality and gossip.

Yeah, yeah.

I think we've addressed it.

I don't think so, because this is our first show, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

Since the kite flying incident.

Since the mass men with the programme.

Since those terrorists.

What is it?

It's kite bombs or

they were kites that were on fire.

What if a little bit of ash fell from the sky under my suit?

That is, that is.

That is pathetic.

They were like, oh, they were strapping bombs to kites.

First of all, I don't think the kite would work if they did that.

Second of all, do you know what a fucking kite is?

It's attached to them.

Right, right, right.

It's just going to go back to them.

There's a string that they're holding.

You don't know how long that string is.

Yeah.

Why didn't they just throw the bomb?

Because Israel doesn't allow anything into Gaza.

It's pretty much sealed off from the rest of the world.

So all they have is kite bombs and rocks, basically.

There's no way they had a bomb, though, right?

That's bullshit.

I mean, they used to have rockets from Iran, the Katusha rocket.

Nice.

But then there was like this brutal Israeli invasion of Gaza, and they like leveled like, you know, hospitals.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's great.

A lot of goodwill.

I was saying on a real last podcast, this is a little 3D chess move by Donald Trump.

He solved Korea.

Yes, he did.

Only president capable of doing that.

That's right.

Solved Korea.

He broke Iran.

He literally solved Korea.

He's going to solve Iran, and he's going to solve his.

What do you mean he's going to solve Iran?

There was already a deal.

He's going to solve Iran.

What do you mean he's going to solve it?

You'll see.

Oh, yeah.

Nick can't say right now, but he's not going to be able to do that.

I can't say because I don't know.

You don't know what he's thinking.

But, I mean, who would have thought that

he just figured out the perfect amount of saber rattling and insults with North Korea

to get them to it's almost like a Jedi mind trick.

Yep.

Yeah.

The man's in control at all fucking times.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a character he's.

It's a level of diplomacy the world has never seen.

He's really a Dan Whitney, but on Twitter, he's a Larry the Cable guy.

Don't hit me.

Please, please don't hit me.

What?

It's a rubber band gun?

Yeah, but I got hit in the eye as a kid

with a rubber band gun.

I wouldn't like that.

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

Don't point rubber bands at me.

Nick has a little rubber band gun.

Bro, if I was Israeli and you were fucking from Gaza right now, I would have fucking killed you for that.

Of course.

Yeah, I would have sniped you having the rubber band from the beginning.

You would have made the finger gun with it.

You have to kill him before you use the finger gun.

Well, they say he's three years old, but next year he's four, then five, then

17.

That's a soldier's age.

Well, are we supposed to wait until then?

So true.

That's a good Netanyahu, dude.

Thank you.

He's got like a Boston accent.

Philly.

Yeah, what's up with Bibi?

Is he from here?

He went to like high school in America.

Oh, so my like, and that's why like Americans like him.

They're like, yeah, we like him because he speaks proper English.

He that weird time to learn our language.

He didn't have that weird French, but not French accent that all Israelis have.

Anyway, my theory is that

Donald has somehow

made Israel do this.

Well, yeah, he switched the embassy.

He switched the embassy.

He tricked them into doing something so obscene that the world finally comes around.

And by the world, I mean America,

the Western world.

And he has to say something.

Somebody will say something to him and be like, I got to say something.

Pretty fucked up what Israel did.

And then it will move us to finding a solution by nuking Israel.

That's the opposite of what happened yesterday.

I know it's the opposite, but.

They said that all of the Palestinian deaths were the responsibility of Hamas.

That was the White House statement.

No, really?

He said congratulations to Israel on Twitter.

Well, he said congratulations on the embassy.

The embassy, but I mean, the timing was like exactly when those two things were happening, Simon.

They're happening simultaneously, but like as the fucking New York Times, you know, the headline comes out that 41 people are dead, then he tweets congratulations.

Oh, it's more now.

It's like 50 something.

Okay.

Damn.

Yeah.

But no, you'll see.

Yeah.

He wasn't congratulating them for killing 41 people.

Obviously, you fucking imbecile.

I know that, but

they run concurrently, and you put it in any context, it's still going to fucking look bad.

I mean, like, it does look bad.

Yeah, it's look bad.

Who cares?

Of course, he's not congratulating them for killing people.

I don't think that.

I don't think anyone fucking thinks that.

I'd be honest when he released a video that was like, pew, pew, pew.

Nice shot, boys.

Yeah, I guess that's.

What makes it own is that he did it of not giving a shit about the context or how it would look.

That's he doesn't, yeah.

I mean, I don't, yeah.

It was like when that split screen was crazy yesterday with like Jared and Ivanka at the ceremony laughing and then just like children being shot on the other side of the screen.

It was fucking insane.

Yeah.

It looks pretty badass if you ask me.

Yeah, pretty cool dude.

Pretty cool

of Jared.

Here's the thing we don't know.

Jared's the mastermind.

He looks like a little fucking dumbass bitch ass Twink, but

100%.

It's him.

Sometimes, in fact,

he's in a Trump suit.

You know what I mean?

That's why he's so slender to fit into that fat ass Trump suit.

That makes sense.

What are you doing, meal prep today?

Today I have

for breakfast three eggs

and some turkey sausage.

Yeah.

I had a spinach, berry, carrot, avocado with almond milk smoothie.

And I have some chicken thighs marinating in lemon juice.

I was just switched back to flavored BCAAs from unflavored ones.

And that's my big move.

I got Korean food last night.

Ooh, hell yeah.

What'd you get?

Scallion pancake with kimchi and bungogi.

Yes, hell yes.

Man, I don't know what you mean.

I mean, the secret is to just go, you get very little, but then you keep getting refills on the banchon or whatever the fuck that is.

Oh, hell yeah.

Unlimited.

Yeah.

It's like the cheese and the chili at 7-Eleven.

Fucking rest.

You keep going back for more.

That's the way.

I mean, and now that we got North Korea and South Korea, double the appetizer.

That's so true.

That's what I'm excited about.

Every Korean restaurant.

It's just funny that they're all starving to death, but you go to a Korean restaurant and it's unlimited Korean food.

Somehow, just the fish cakes that I think are good.

All I know about Korean cuisine is that you get as much of it as you want, and 90% of their population is starving to death.

That's right.

Well,

that's pretty cool.

I think that that works out well.

So now that we're doing the new break time, I would say if you're wearing underwear, throw it out, get rid of it.

Get it the fuck out of there.

Get that fucking.

Wait, what is it?

May?

Yeah.

Never mind.

We're done.

All right.

So we're going to go another 15 minutes.

What?

No, they only bought from April, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait.

But it's been May.

It's been May for weeks.

We already did two weeks of.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

So, stop.

You went to the gym?

Tell us how that went.

I didn't go to the gym today.

I know, but you've been to the gym.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I was getting fucking shred Dissimo with my little brother, dude.

We went to the Dundalk Gold's Gym, which, first of all, a beautiful place, dude.

It's so fucking good.

There was just some fucking like jacked jacked Latino woman's clothes in the lobby, but it's like

cargo jean shorts.

Yeah, yeah, it's purple camo jean shorts.

Skate shoes with a helbook without tape.

Yeah, instead of a headband, it's like fucking an old-ass Etney's hat for some reason.

They serve, instead of like a cooler with like muscle milk and shit in it, there's just four loco and Chinese food.

No joke, Jimmy's seafood sells like meal prep kits in there.

I'm not even kidding.

Hilarious, dude.

I got Phillips brand whey

lobster.

I got that old bae whey, yeah.

Yeah, that would be disgusting.

Oh my god, yeah, so bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A scoop of old bae on Mother's Day.

Me and my brother worked out.

We worked out Friday, and also

your mom come home jacked.

Yep, let her protect her.

Yeah, kiss your mom.

Mom, check this out.

You breastfed me, and now I will breastfeed you.

Yep, I perk my juicy pecs.

Yeah, peck feed you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And just flex it.

Do the pec fluttering thing in her mouth.

And olive oil comes out.

Yeah.

You know?

Man, it must be nice to be Greek.

It is nice to be Greek.

It's a nice culture to have.

It's a fun culture because it's like white, but also, you know, it's like not exactly white, but

we get all the good stuff of being white.

Mediterranean.

What kind of workout did you do?

My little brother wanted to see like my max on some chest shit.

So I did some like fucking I max out at 70 dumbbells or whatever the fuck for each side.

Just like flat bench, just flat belt bench.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we did some of that.

That was pretty good.

Yeah, it was better than I thought, honestly.

Yeah, having a fucked up shoulder.

Yeah, and I hadn't been working out like I'd been working out a little bit on my own, but I was doing like lower weights.

But Nick also does a bunch of crazy, like he was doing the first time we worked out, we did like a bunch of like PT type shit because he's like been, he got a lot of bands and shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, actually, he deadlifted too.

Yeah.

That was nice.

I feel what you mean, dude.

You feel powerful as shit.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it's the most amount of weight you can lift.

It rules, dude.

Yeah.

How many can you do?

I didn't do.

Well, I didn't max out on that one.

He just wanted to teach me form and shit.

Yeah, yeah.

So I just did one plate on each.

Is he putting you on a program?

Yeah, he's pretty good.

Tell that boy to get some spreadsheets together.

He's in the lab right now, brother.

Yeah, spreadsheeting it up.

That's all XL is for, I think.

Yeah, it's for work.

It's for meal prepping and putting together weight plans

for your degenerate friends.

Yeah.

It's either for doing the dumbest, bitch-ass, most nerd shit of all time, or it's for getting jabbed.

I used to like, I put up flyers so that I could tutor people and whatever.

And I had this scam going for hours.

You would just like tell them to bring their class material.

And then, whenever they ask you a question, be like, that's interesting.

What does the book say?

And then you would just like, you would guide them through finding the answer themselves.

And so I would do that.

And this one girl hired me to teach her Excel.

And I was like, oh, you're in a class for Excel.

She's like, yeah, I was like, just bring all your course stuff.

She's like, okay, it's really just a couple of things I need help with.

And then so she showed up and she'd already paid me like the money.

And

she's like

how do i do this and i'm like that's interesting let's go to the help yeah and we'll find it because on your own you'll need to do it this way and she's like can you just show me how to do it and i was like no no you have to learn yeah yeah she's like show me that you even know how to open excel she just like demanded her money back

How much do you charge?

$100.

$100 an hour?

Oh, yeah, dude.

I'll be ripping people off left.

In Montgomery County?

Yeah, because you got a bunch of rich, like, fucking

bunch of rich kids whose parents want them to be good at school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's incredible, dude.

Well, yeah,

I taught some old man Photoshop, and I just like never used Photoshop, by the way.

I was like, yeah, oh, that looks good to me.

Good job.

Just met him in the library.

That's a beautiful scam, bro.

Yeah, dude.

What were you, like, 17?

Or were you came back?

19, maybe?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you tell them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, that's a good way.

I used to actually work for Chris Beralik.

I don't know if you know.

Oh, I remember Chris.

Yeah, yeah.

He was an autistic guy, and he would like refer people to me because his whole thing was he would just drive around DC like fixing people's computers, quote unquote.

And all you do is like they're like, oh, my computer's running slow.

You just show up, reinstall the operating system, go home, charging $250.

No matter what the issue is, you just always just reinstall, back up their shit, reinstall the operating system, leave.

And it was like $250, $300.

I did it with this Nigerian family one time, and I showed up, and their computer was in the basement, and I I literally just took a nap.

I just went to sleep.

Because the guy was trying to fucking lowball me.

He's like, Okay, so I pay you $75.

I'm like, No, motherfucker.

No, no, no.

It's $200.

And then he's like, Okay, $150.

You're trying to haggle with me.

And I was like, Sure.

And then I just slept.

I didn't do anything.

Do you want to haggle?

Guess what?

I'm doing my own type of haggling.

That's right.

Where you get less work.

That's right.

You haggle money.

Right.

I haggle what I have.

I haggle.

My expertise right of doing basically nothing

my already of doing crazy scam of doing no work that's too much work

you literally could have napped while it was reinstalling

i went to this old guy's house one time he had like a problem and it was like oh the printer is beeping or whatever like there's a light blinking on the printer and i just like googled it and it just means it's like on no one oh no it does nothing it was like literally nothing it's like incredible he's like i don't think it used to do that.

I'm like, well, it does now.

Yeah.

And I was like, does it have trouble printing?

He's like, no.

And he's like, I was like, yeah, I just ignore it.

It's not doing anything.

And he was like, all right.

And he just gets his checkbook.

Yeah, he just gets his checkbook out and he was like, $150.

Like, thank you.

That's incredible, dude.

I wouldn't even have the.

That's how I moved.

I moved to Austin with that money.

Off scam money?

Off scam money.

Yeah, I made like $5,000.

Jesus Jesus Christ.

And then I got back into that when I left Austin.

I got back into that to move to L.A.

I was like doing Craigslist.

Craigslist scammer.

Just like, oh, well, fix any computer problem or whatever.

Just don't do anything.

Because you don't need to do it.

They're not going to hire you again.

It's a one-time thing.

Right.

They've lost their money.

And it's not like they know.

You're already a town.

I'm literally gone.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm literally living in a different place.

That's some old snake oil salesman shit.

That's like show up, sell a bunch of shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell them it'll take a week to kick in and you're already gone.

My next move is doing that with home remodeling.

Ooh, that's yeah, like I said.

You just find somebody that's got, like, I want to redo my kitchen, come in there, bring all my tools.

No, I like it.

Sledgehammer the walls.

Yeah, take everything out.

We're going to do an open concept.

This is destroy all the walls.

Yeah, yeah.

You just, you turn all the cabinets upside down.

Tape them to the ceiling.

This is French.

This is the French cabinet.

That's like the classic general contractor move, right?

It's just like disappearing in the middle of a project.

Taping the things upside down.

Oh, yeah.

Taping the things upside down, too, yeah.

Now they always just tell you,

they just tell you it needs more shit while it's already underway.

So you're kind of like sucking it.

Mechanics do that too.

Money-wise, yeah.

Except my dad, who can't fucking haggle for shit.

My dad always gets taken advantage of by people.

Yeah.

He's like, I don't work too much work.

Yeah, and he spends it all in material.

No joke, yeah, he really does.

It's funny because

it's not my instinct at all.

I'm always surprised when you go to any kind of shop or whatever, and they're like, yeah, I'll just take care of it.

Yeah.

Like a deal from a mechanic or whatever.

They're like, oh, you know, don't worry about it.

Like throwing a tire rotation.

Yeah, it's goodwill.

Yeah, and it's like, I would not

do that.

Anything I'm doing, I'm going to charge you out the ass for it.

Or it's like anything that's like custom built or whatever, how little of a margin that those people actually have.

Right.

you know it's like if you spent all that time building furniture and you like paid for all those materials and shit yeah well my dad shouldn't do it everything yeah everything should cost a million dollars yeah and he does good work he's just a fucking big what does he make like cabinets or something yeah custom cabinet work and shit like that it's really funny my dad used to do that for a while yeah when we were growing up yeah he had his own company closet max

Come on, it was called Closet Max.

And he used to say he wanted to call it Closet Queen and have the guys like the installers going with like pink shirts.

He thought it was a really fun.

bit.

That's a good bit.

It still seems like it's a company about him being in the closet.

Yeah, that's what a lot of people said to him when he told them the name.

He sliced off the tip of his finger with a fucking like circular saw, though.

Whoa.

He like bled in this guy's house.

He was doing cat.

What's his finger look like now?

They got it like it was like hanging on by like a like half a you know layer of skin and they reattached it.

I don't think he can feel the end of the finger, but it's there.

Ooh, that's his fingerprint.

I did one goes to myself last year with a hole saw.

Oh, yeah, that shit was fucked up.

You can still see the fucking scar.

Yeah, dude.

I remember that shit.

There's no feeling in that.

Your finger looked so fucked up for so long, and you just had dirty-ass bandages on it and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was fucking brutal.

I thought you were going to get some kind of infection.

I mean, that's like what happens.

You know, you do any kind of like,

you know, thing, you're going to hurt yourself.

You do anything in life.

It's true.

I hurt myself cooking all the time.

I get burns cooking.

I have a chopstone.

I chop my finger cooking.

Do you use mandolins?

No.

They're so fucking.

I slice my finger every time I use them.

But you get an even slice.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Speaking of meal stuff, I made fried plantains the other day.

Ooh, look at this little Dominican grandmother.

I grated some white cheese with brown sugar and a little bit of sea salt in a bowl.

Damn, that sounds good.

I tossed the plantains in that afterwards.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Maron.

This really tastes good.

Great.

Yeah, really good.

Really good snack.

If you guys are looking for an easy snack to make, fry up some plantains.

You want to find the yellow plantains in the grocery store and find the ones that look like they're almost black.

So you get a real sweet plantain.

There's a type, though, that's the green kind fried.

Tostonis.

Tostonis.

Tostonis you mash up into a.

You know what I've been getting into?

Shishito peppers.

Oh, I fuck with shishititiditididitis.

You ever fuck with shishitos?

Fucking broiling bitches up.

You know what I mean?

They're really minutes.

They're good as hell, dude.

Delicious.

I've been finding them.

They look like they're supposed to be spicy, but they're not.

They're not spicy at all.

Which I would prefer a little more spice, but hey, what are you going to do?

I just need things to replace fries in my life.

Because I ate those with some chicken and I just snacked on them as if they were fries.

Right.

I have to trick my dumb brain into thinking I'm eating unhealthy friends.

I gotta stop with the goddamn wheat thins.

They're killing me.

Bro, also, wheat thins and fucking, especially, um, what the fuck are the other ones?

Triscuits?

Triscuits are so not healthy, bro.

A ton of sodium.

There's three, like four triscuits are like 190 calories.

It's some wild shrinks.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess it's just the word thin is in the name of wheat thins, so you feel like you're making...

That sucks.

Nick, you made some sauce recently?

You been on a sauce cake?

Yeah, sorry.

I'm trying to find this

copy.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Why don't you

have sauces?

Did you guys ever do that thing where you sit on a photocopy and and do your ass cheeks?

No.

I was always scared too.

Because of the light.

Yeah, the light.

Get your balls.

It did seem like sort of dangerous.

Yeah.

I don't want my balls to get fucking it's a classic gag i don't want cancer on your balls from what a light xerox it's a it's a photocopy it's just light i don't know man i'm kind of with some chemicals in there

it seems dangerous some chemicals in there yeah did you ever do it did you ever put your ass on a xerox never i don't think i've ever used a xerox really never you're never an office job guy yeah i've never made a copy

whoa i've used a scanner before you've never gone to kinkos to make copies of something no i've never had to make a copy of anything not that i can think of wow really Yeah, anytime I've had to copy my birth certificate or

Social Security card for a job, I just bring those and they copy them for me.

Nice.

Yeah, I'm not paying money though.

Hell yeah, dude.

Fuck that.

To work at Papa John's?

Yeah, fuck that, dude.

Yeah, fuck them.

They can suck your fucking heart.

They make you take a test to work at Papa John's.

A pizza.

You have to watch videos and then you have to take a test on

the Papa John's specific.

They're like, yeah, we got

a lot of people call them portobella mushrooms.

We call them Papa Bella mushrooms.

Same mushrooms.

Zero difference.

Like, you know, all their dumb, like, workplace acronyms.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, hot stuff stands for helping overtime, not going unpaid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Selling, never, right.

Never reporting OSHA violations.

Trying to upsell.

Ripping off customers always, $4 an hour.

Smiling about your $4 an hour.

Turning a blind eye to workplace sexual misconduct.

Right.

Yeah, that kind of shit, basically.

What happens in the walk-in stays in the walk-in.

The walk-in is what we call a

no memory zone.

That cum in Console's mouth tastes a lot better than a ticket back to the Dominican Republic.

In all your years of delivering pizzas,

did you know any pe delivery guy that ever fucked?

That did a big sausage pizza?

That ever had sex with a woman?

I mean, I'm sure that happens.

I had these two girls bring me into their house one time and get me fucking high and take pictures with me and shit.

And they're like, hey, the pizza guy.

They were hot, too.

Did you smash?

No, I had a girlfriend at the time and I was like trying to make money.

So

ma'am, I'm a professional.

Excuse me.

I guess I should have.

That would have been pretty cool.

That would have been a cool ass story.

Maybe like.

Yeah, but that's like a cool story for like

some guy who like smokes weed when I was was in college.

It would be cool that you did it then.

If you did it,

if we all got jobs as speech delivery guys and started trying to fuck every woman, then yeah, dude, there was a guy, there's a guy that used to hang out at EJ's Landing.

This guy wear like wrestling shirts, and he had this like stringy, shitty black hair.

I think with his friend who lived in like their mom's mom's mom, they both lived in the friend's mom's apartment.

But that guy, it was just one time he's like telling my friend George, and he's like,

He's like, Yeah, dude, I went to a party at Westminster College.

I think it's like it's on the Eastern Shore.

Yeah, no, no, it's in Westminster.

It's in Westminster, yeah.

He's like,

Yeah, I went to this party at Westminster College, and like, yo, I stayed at this dorm, and I fucked every girl.

I know.

Every Sunday weekend, he fucked every single girl.

300

fat guy with oily hair.

Lives on his friend's mom's couch.

Like every girl.

Every fucking girl at the dorm.

a whole weekend long once word gets out that was that guy that was that guy that was like why are you getting water yes

i haven't had a drop of water in five years

his piss is brown uh dude no fucking rules well now it's break time break time and you know what if you're still listening to the show uh you we got something for you to listen to right here a new way to spend your money and maybe make a little bit more.

I love it.

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I know Stav uses it.

Oh, hell yeah, baby.

Tell us about some of the bets you've been placing.

Well, your boy lost a little money on the Philadelphia 76ers, but that's okay because we're coming back.

And you know what?

Bet on LeBron.

I know it looks bleak right now.

Okay.

Game one's a feelout game.

He is going to win game two.

He's a monster in game twos.

Bet on LeBron.

You'll make your fat fucking money back.

And if not, then we're all assholes.

But I feel it, baby.

I've got a little cold recently, but the streak's coming alive.

We also made a lot of money on the Kentucky Derby, don't you?

Don't forget, Nick.

That's right.

We've been on anorexic elf.

I don't like discussing my financial situations, but

let's just say I put a lot of money on extra chromosome.

That horse.

It's so much stronger than the other horses.

Yeah,

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A couple comeboys.

Lost some money, lost some money, yeah.

A couple comeboys messaged that they made a little money on LeBron in Toronto.

So, shouts out to that.

That was also a pick that did make money.

And the Pelicans in Gambo.

Oh, yeah, that was a nice call, actually, but I forgot about that.

Game three.

Game three.

I said, bet your house on that shit.

Take the Kellys at the Smoothie King side.

That's right.

More importantly, if you're going to gamble, make sure you use it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

From now on, keep

double those winnings, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, and we're back on the show.

That's our we're back noise.

That's a cool noise.

I should get some extra gear to do

sound effects.

Damn.

Adam's gay.

Olympus good guy.

Adam's gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to be that guy.

Hell yeah, dude.

Mike Shinoda.

Mike Shinoda.

That's Lincoln Park, though.

He just said I said Olympic Park.

Oh, yeah.

We all knew it.

We all felt it.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Did you see that shit that Fred Durst is directing a movie with Travolta?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wild Hogs 3.

They skipped skipped over two.

Limp Hogs.

Limp Hogs.

Yeah, I think I heard that.

The villain is the new healthcare system that takes Cialis

that says you should get birth control before Cialis.

Is that what it says?

What are you talking about?

Limp Hogs 3.

Oh, Limp Hogs 3.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a dystopian future where Hillary wins the presidency.

And aren't you going to want a hot air balloon ride?

Sialis off the

pleasant.

Yeah.

That'll fix it.

It is a really lovely

look up.

I want to do one of those helicopter tours, but those kill people now.

Do they?

Yeah, you said that helicopter crashed in the Easter.

This is a story that, like, local and national news has just been trying to get people to care about, and nobody gives a shit.

Right, because it's all risky.

Every two weeks, it's like, remember the helicopter crash?

It's like, give it a rest.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a helicopter tour, and it crashed, and like, they buckle you in real tight so they can, like, leave the doors off.

Right, right, right.

And because they were buckled in so tight, everybody just drowned.

What

the fuck?

You'd even die in a fiery-ass crash.

You have to just slowly die.

They drown in the Easter River.

Next, some bullshit accountant that's also on this.

Unable to unbuckle.

I'm sorry.

It's like if you don't have the tactical awareness to unbuckle yourself after a helicopter crash, maybe you deserve that.

That's so true.

Well, I always carry a blade on.

That's what I'm saying.

We should make America like Sparta, you know, and everyone should go through Army Rangers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we should have a warrior king.

Well, we already do, yeah, we do.

That's right.

Yeah, I feel like helicopters.

I think the premise of Con Air is that he's like, he's an Army Ranger, and somebody tries to fuck his wife or whatever.

They harass his wife, and so he spin kicks the guy's head off, and they put him in prison for murder.

They're like, you're a training.

You have, because you're a weapon.

Right, right, right.

You have to show even more restraint or whatever.

Which, actually, if he's a weapon, it seems like like he'd get away with it.

You know what I mean?

If you're as deadly as a dreamer,

we don't believe this veteran

was acting in self-defense.

He's just career criminal.

You most certainly have a record of some kind.

That's who goes to jail.

You know, my roommates just watched the one where the movie where Michelle Pfeiffer shows her pussy.

Or is it Sharon Stone?

Sharon Stone.

Sharon Stone.

Sharon Stone.

Fatal Attraction.

Fatal Attraction.

That shit was wild, dude.

I was popping in and out.

It was really good.

I love that movie.

Yeah, and also, it looks great.

Like, movies looked so much better back then.

You don't mind if I read you into my story, do you, Nick?

Is that...

What's his name who directed it?

Paul Verhoeven?

No, it's not.

No, he did the other one like that, right?

Maybe.

He did, like, RoboCop and shit.

Yeah, she was.

Sharon Stone was hot as shit, bro.

Dude,

at that point, she was the hottest woman in the world.

She was hot as fuck.

Yeah.

And

also, it was a very fun movie.

A lot of killing.

Yeah.

Also, Michael Douglas had a run, I guess, as like the sexiest motherfucker.

Everyone wanted to fuck Michael Douglas?

He was just the guy that had sex.

We've talked about it.

He was the guy who talked about this movie specifically.

I just checked out because I hadn't seen it.

Well, you guys talked about it, I guess.

But now I'm excited to see that.

No, it's because Michael Douglas was in that and then Basic Instinct.

Oh, that's

Basic Instinct.

Fatal Attraction is Glenn Close.

Yeah.

Oh, so I was watching Basic Instinct.

But they are both about crazy bitches that are trying to destroy a good man.

Right, right.

That was kind of a motif.

But he was like, he might, I guess that's what a sexy ass guy used to be.

He wasn't like particularly jacked.

He was kind of older than everyone else.

Yeah.

Nobody was jacked until like

probably Troy came out.

I think that was Troy.

Yeah, Leonidas was the first jacked guy.

Yeah.

No, that was not that.

Gerard Butler.

No, that was

300.

Troy was Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt, that's right.

That was a good.

I don't remember if it was.

I went back and I watched it again.

I remember thinking Brad Pitt was like huge in that movie.

And he's just, he's not.

He says abs.

Yeah, he's like not particularly big.

All I remember in that movie is how he kills that guy in the first scene.

That like giant guy.

Nathan Jones.

Yeah, it's so sick.

Fucking, yeah, yeah.

The sword through his collarbone.

Yeah, he just does one stab.

He does like a run, and he jumps and stabs him, claiming he's dead.

Yeah, it's really sick.

Damn, I should watch that shit again.

I think that movie sucked, though, in general.

I think it probably did, but I think it was fun.

I liked Troy, bro.

I used to be such a little mythology nerd when I was a little kid.

That was my shit, dude.

Yeah.

I remember.

Everybody was.

Everybody liked that shit.

But that was our shit, dude.

Yeah.

that's Greek people's foo boo is mythology.

Foo boo.

It is, dude.

It's for us and by us.

And I'm tired of other people doing it, getting that shit.

You shouldn't be allowed to enjoy Hercules.

Yeah.

I should be the one allowed.

Ooh, shit.

I see licking my fucking feet.

Yeah, let her go.

It's really, it's quite pleasant.

Fuck, dude.

Yeah.

It felt weird.

She has no self-esteem.

She'll really.

Have you ever gotten your toes sucked by a woman

or a man?

I'm not sure.

I have definitely sucked on some toes.

I've sucked on some toes, but I've got my toes sucked, and I gotta say, it felt kind of good.

Yeah, it does.

It's really nice.

It's good.

A nice toe.

Between the big toe and the ring toe, or whatever?

Right in between there?

I don't know.

I didn't let it go on too long because I was startled, but it felt good.

Yeah.

You know?

Do you think people go and they get the fish that eat dead skin off their feet?

Yeah, in the Singapore airport.

Shouldn't exist.

Yeah.

I like that idea.

I don't.

I think that would feel good.

I think we should make luxury illegal.

No, dude, I love luxury.

You're a tanky now?

Am I?

Is that what tankies say?

Well, I don't know.

Don't they say it's cool that Stalin killed people and it's not a big deal?

They think the gulags are the cool part of the story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool.

You should kill artists and fucking gay people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the best society.

No, no, they were all gay, actually.

Stalin was gay.

Oh, Stalin was gay.

Castro was gay.

They're all queer.

I could see them all fucking and sucking.

Do like a big bearded communist sucking fuck party.

Yeah, I don't think they were, but.

But you could see it, though.

You could see it.

They all get together in Cuba.

Did you see the movie?

Death of Stalin?

No.

It was good.

I haven't seen it.

It was tight.

Yeah.

I'm trying to go to Kubai.

Paul Gammy.

Paul Giamatti is really.

It's a movie that came out, Young Carl Marx.

Yeah, yeah, that's like a German movie.

Is that real?

It looks stupid.

Is it another one of those, like the one we did?

Einstein Buddy Fucks, Newton Buddy Fucks.

Is this Karl Marx Buddy Fucks?

Yeah, buddy fucks.

Really?

Why do they keep doing these movies, man?

I don't know.

The funniest was when they made

Theory of Everything or whatever.

Oh, Stephen Hawking.

Eddie Remain, and it's like, just wait two years until he's dead.

Right, right.

Like, you're making, they're not portraying him, you're doing an impression of a disabled person.

Yeah.

If he's still alive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He was like, I'm.

I still can't believe you want a fucking Oscar for that one.

I know, for just a moment.

For the crooked glasses.

Well, my legs don't work.

Nick's fucked up his glasses in the room.

It looks really good, guys.

I don't.

My legs is not working anymore.

I'm going to somehow fuck a maid.

The greatest performance.

Shouts out to him fucking his nurse with his limp-ass fucked up dick.

Yeah.

Do you think she put like one of his.

I mean, his dick couldn't get hard, right?

Oh, that was the only thing that could get hard.

That was the only thing that was hard.

That was

perfectly hard.

He died with a hard diamond hard cock.

Yeah, exactly.

How do you even fucking hard?

It had like a galaxy circling around it.

How do you even fuck Stephen Hawking?

Very carefully.

He fucks you with his mind.

Oh, nice.

He plugs into a pussy.

His dick probably gets hard.

They're different systems.

I learned that from Murder Ball.

Really?

I learned it from Lieutenant Dan.

Lieutenant Dan gets hard?

Well, remember that scene where he's like.

Lieutenant Dan isn't paralyzed.

He doesn't have legs.

He doesn't have.

Yeah, well, I thought he, you know.

I was surprised that a legless guy could fucking fuck.

But he's

just got shot.

I thought he was a paraplegic or whatever.

No.

I don't know how you fucked that detail up.

Well, you know,

he's clearly missing his legs from below the bottom.

And he's like swimming and shit.

Yeah, you remember that part?

I remember thinking that scene where

the

principal fucks Forrest Gump's mom was so hot.

Where Forrest Gump's mom was willing to do the ultimate?

Yeah, he just has to listen to his mom get fucked for money.

Wait, that's the part you find hot.

I thought that was so hot when I was younger.

Fuck yeah.

Did you ever listen to your mom get fucked from the other room?

Never.

My mom has not, my mom probably hasn't fucked for 20 years.

Whoa, really?

Yeah.

Well,

19.

I don't know about that.

What do you mean, 19?

Or I mean one year.

One One year.

I was trying to say I fucked her last year.

Yeah, yeah.

That was good math.

It's like, I fucked her when I was

nine.

So 19.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's funny.

I remember like freaking out about turning 30 when I was like 26.

Now that I'm almost 30, it's like, who gives a fuck?

It doesn't matter.

We're going to die.

Right.

I'm soon.

Soon I'll have a solid gold Fabergé egg.

Nobody can tell me shit.

I'll just bring my egg to the museum and they go, oh, go right through, sir.

And then you get to pick anything.

No more interesting guy at the museum, not letting me in there because I'm not rich.

Yeah, dude.

I'm tired of those fucking classist fucking organizations like museums and libraries.

Yep.

You know how libraries only let in.

I'm trying to be wealthiest.

I'm trying to be a book collector.

I'm trying to be a 1%er, dude.

You probably are, dude.

No, I'm not.

Not yet.

Yes, you are.

No.

Not one.

One is like like billions.

Also, if you go based on...

It's not billions, first of all.

If you go based on my tax return, then I'm absolutely not even close.

I think it's like over $300,000 or something.

First of all, I don't make anywhere near that amount.

And you write off most of the shit.

Yeah, most of it is busy.

Well, write-offs don't matter.

What matters is how much you make.

No, I mean, it's entirely based on fucking tax return data.

That's not...

We're not rich by taxes.

Yeah.

So if you lie on your taxes, then you're not rich.

The top 1% of income isn't factoring people's gross.

So

if Jeff Bezos pays $0 in taxes, then he's not wealthy.

He doesn't pay $0 in taxes.

I'm just saying, if he does, because of whatever, then he's not wealthy.

No, not enough.

And the top tier of income.

You know how this works.

I don't know why you're lying.

I don't think that's

how they calculate it.

I don't think it's after tax.

It's absolutely after.

It's based on your AGI.

I think it's pre-tax.

Ash Sheikh's gross.

We can look it up.

Fuck I.

What's a gay?

I am gay.

Intercourse.

Ass cheeks gross intercourse.

Yeah.

No, motherfucker.

You write off expenses.

That is your salary, and that's what it is.

Right.

This motherfucker doesn't write off expenses, Jeff Bezos.

Or I guess he does, probably.

Yeah, if you have like a business that makes fucking like $80 million.

Yeah, whatever his salary is.

Okay, so Donald Trump didn't pay taxes.

Like, you know, the last tax return he released, he didn't pay taxes.

Yeah, because he reported the officials.

He paid 30% of his income when he went to taxes.

But still, that is...

The Mat Out tax return made him look like he pays his fair share of taxes.

We're getting taxed on what

they're

after expenses.

What don't you understand?

I'm stupid as shit, and I get it.

I understand how taxation works, but I don't think that qualifies you as 1% or not.

I think your pre-tax income qualifies you as 1%.

Your income you get taxed on?

Yes, your pre-tax income, but your pre-tax income.

1% earner.

Okay, so here's the answer.

Here's the answer before you're going to talk out of your ass.

No, dude.

For U.S.

overall, the income threshold required to be in the 1% of earners is $389,000 pre-tax.

Thank you.

Pre-tax.

Pre-tax.

Pre-tax.

Your pre-tax.

Yes.

It's your adjusted gross income.

It's not, yeah, it's pre-taxes, but it's not before deductions.

Dumbass Adam.

You're fucking stupid.

How fucking dumb are you?

Not even close to wrong.

You're wrong.

Deductions are post-tax.

That's

what I'm saying.

You're fucking lying.

You're wrong.

No, it's gross income.

It's what you make before taxes.

It's what you make before taxes.

You're wrong.

What you make before taxes isn't reported until after you take the deductions.

Adam, here's the thing.

Let's say we make.

So if you buy a computer, you subtract that from your income.

No.

No, not.

That's not true.

Yes, you do.

You do in your taxes.

Oh, my fucking dad.

All right, whatever.

No, you're wrong.

We are not wrong, dude.

We are not wrong.

You're wrong.

Whatever, dude.

It's so simple.

This is embarrassing that

I understand a thing about money so much more than you.

I'm just saying what qualifies to be.

Let's say we made

like 70K last year, right?

Yeah.

And then it's something like, yeah, it's off.

If you paid 70K and you bought a $2,000 computer, you did not make $68,000.

Yes, you fucking did.

It's a business expense.

No, it doesn't.

Okay, it does on your taxes, but that doesn't count as your pre-tax income.

Okay, you know what?

It doesn't matter if you don't take $20,000 off, but I take $1,000.

I get that.

That's how it works on your taxes, but I'm talking about pre-tax income.

So even if you have business expenses, that doesn't...

I understand how AGI works on your taxes.

No, bitch, you're wrong.

You guys are both wrong.

No.

You guys are both wrong.

No.

All right.

I mean, I don't care.

You're wrong.

No, bitch.

Well, this is

all for you when you find out we're going to be right.

You're right about what?

You can't say that if you spent, that's okay.

If you're in

that came to you was $70,000.

So if you own, if you own a restaurant,

and the restaurant has total sales of, I don't know, that's a business.

I'm talking about

a business you fucking know.

I'm talking about you have a, you have a pass-through.

You have a restaurant that's owned by an LLC.

It's attached to your social security number.

Yeah, yeah.

So your income, you're effectively the owner.

So they have a total gross sales of $420,000 a year, right?

Which is low.

Sure.

Okay.

So now that restaurant owner, they they on top of that then pay employees and they pay people and their take-home pay is probably somewhere around $20,000 a year.

You say that's a 1%er.

No, because they pay those employees.

That would be deducted.

These are business expenses.

These are business expenses.

I disagree.

I still disagree.

That's a 1%.

Because you can't count a restaurant.

A restaurant is a business.

It's not an individual.

So it's a fucking professional comedian or

I know, but you've got your individual income that you make throughout throughout the year.

So let me say, let me do the same way.

Let's say you make $70,000 a year.

Your restaurant makes $70,000 a year, and you spend $2,000 on an oven.

You don't include that.

It's the same thing as a fucking income.

Of course you include it.

Of course you include it on your taxes.

You can take the L.

You're wrong.

Okay.

What is income?

What is income?

Now you're just going back to what income is.

Yeah, think of what the word means.

Oh, my fucking God.

It means everything that comes in.

Shut the fuck up.

Admit you're wrong so we can move forward.

I'm not admitting my wrong.

I'm wrong.

I will be vindicated by our genius.

By our genius.

Now you're a genius.

Now they're geniuses.

Two weeks ago, they were retards.

I've never called them retards.

You think it's like it's not included because the kind of shit we spend money on seems like frivolous purchases.

But there are business expenses just as much as a deep fryer would be for a restaurant.

100%.

I need Ubers.

I needed a $5,000 computer.

Exactly.

I needed a new TV to fucking stream video.

I understand how business to review them on the podcast.

I understand how business expenses work, and I understand how you can get it.

We're not talking about this more, motherfucker.

It's over.

But I'm saying, in order to qualify in the 1%,

you can't have your AGI.

It's your pre-text.

No, motherfucker.

There's a difference.

There's a difference between AGI and pretext.

The person that owns a restaurant managed by an LLC and it's a

single member LLC.

Yeah, they're paid by the English.

That is a 1%er.

They're paid by the restaurant.

That is a 1%er.

No,

they have their advice.

They are not fucked up.

They are not paid by the restaurant.

If it's an LLC that owns the restaurant, it's a single-member LLC.

Sure.

Or even if you don't even need a fucking LLC, you could just be the owner of the business.

Okay.

And then they get a salary from that business.

No, they don't.

They don't.

They don't, motherfucker.

No, they don't.

What do they do?

Whatever's left over after expenses.

What the fuck?

Yeah, they have what's ever left over after expenses.

I disagree.

You only get a salary.

You can't just disagree when you're in the business.

I disagree, dude.

You only get a salary if you, like, I don't know, form a corporation then pay yourself a salary and then that's reported through like a 1099k but i mean the the your income when a girl when a girl is like wow your dick is small as shit do you go i disagree is that what you say what do you mean when a girl's like your dick is four inches and i hate it you go i disagree yeah

i'm sure he does actually

shut the fuck up your cum tastes bad like fucking like like expired tapioca pudding do you say i disagree when she says that I love tapioca pudding.

I know.

It is good.

It's so good, dude.

We should have a little tapioca day.

I can't, dude.

Me and you, dude.

We'll get some tapioca puddings.

We'll get some bubble tea.

No, it sounds great, but I'm

staying off.

Tapioca Tuesdays.

You're right.

Always back in the day.

We'd get together, Glenn Burney kind of thing.

I get some fresh tapioca.

Transmission fix.

Adam, it's fine that you were wrong about this.

I don't understand why this is a hill you want to die on.

Yeah.

Who cares?

Who cares, man?

Put the phone away.

We're not talking about taxes.

Okay, we'll talk about it afterwards.

It's not about taxes.

It's pre-tax.

That's the point.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, my God.

Who even gives a fuck?

Even if you are right, who cares?

Which you're not.

I care.

I finally deposited all my

refund checks.

I got more back than I thought I did.

That's good.

Because I hit my penalty for not having health insurance is like $2,400.

Isn't it supposed to be $2,100 max?

No, it's $2,085 is the max.

And then, because I asked the accountant like nine times.

Yeah.

And he was like, it's $2,885

or it's this other amount, whichever is.

It's the way it's worded, I guess it was right when I looked over it.

What he said.

Shuts out, Patrick.

He's a good accountant.

Yeah, I mean, it just didn't.

I'll have to look at the email because I was yelling about it on the show.

I remember that.

But I mean, I still got about like $6,400 back.

Nice.

I'm starting Stoppy Baby Enterprises, my corporation.

Yeah, I don't know.

You guys should both have S-Corps.

I'm doing one right now.

I don't have a shit.

Well, I got to see it.

As me and Nick, people who understand that.

Also,

to further

shit on your example.

Okay, let's go.

You say, well, that's a business.

You could very easily, like Mitt Romney could start an S-Corp and then pay himself a salary of $20,000 a year from the S-Corp, but then still have a shit ton of dividends from the S-Corp.

Would you say that he's not a 1%er because his income is twenty thousand dollars?

I that I that's exactly what I'm saying.

I'm saying that he is impoverished, he's a lower middle-class person because his

free mid-that technically, in my opinion, twenty thousand dollars should be beneath the poverty level in this country.

No one should have to live off mid should be on food stamps.

I think he should.

I saw him at that jazz game, he was looking gaunt.

Yeah, dude.

Let's get let's get let's feed him some government cheese.

What is this noise?

This is horrible fucking noise.

But what did the S-Corp have to pay the taxes anyway?

Shut up, man.

I don't want to talk about fucking bitch-ass taxes.

Taxes are gay.

Yeah.

That taxes are gay.

I'm a libertarian.

The government has no control over me, and there shouldn't be roads.

Alright, not only is the episode bad, but now there's like fucking

audio.

The episode's fine.

Yeah, I know, but

the sound's all fucked up.

Should we stop for a second?

No.

I don't know what the fucking problem is.

Is it one?

Is it because Adam's gay?

Yes.

You know what?

I don't even give give a shit.

It just sounds gay.

What's wrong?

It's like staticky and crackling.

Is it a phones?

Yeah.

Oh, it was your phone.

It was your phone.

You motherfucker.

Sorry.

First, you're wrong about taxes.

Now you're trying to sabotage the app so that the people won't see how wrong you are about taxes.

It was my dog's phone.

It was my phone.

No, I see what you're doing, dude.

Whatever.

Adam, stop reaching for the power cord.

Yeah.

Adam doesn't want it on record.

He's a cheap cheapest.

I'm not reaching.

I don't understand taxes.

I've already on the record said I do not understand money or taxes and any, and I'm not cheap, and I spend money on the dumbest stuff.

Whatever, man.

Like Adidas kind of shit.

You don't even do that shit.

I just spent $200 at Adidas because I was stoned.

Would you buy soccer jerseys?

I don't need soccer.

It's such a nice day.

What a horrible day to have to sit inside and podcast.

We can go to the next one.

We should do an outside podcast, dude.

Yeah.

You should do a podcast.

We should have.

Too late now.

Fuck.

It's too late to.

I'm not redoing this one.

No, no, no.

No.

I don't fucking care to.

Yes.

Finally.

That's what I'm saying.

All I'm saying is.

The last one we didn't redo was fine.

People didn't know what the fuck the difference was.

We didn't redo it.

We just released it as a bonus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's all the same shit.

Well, we just didn't explain it.

It's just bullshit.

Yeah.

It's all gay and our dick.

No, some of them are good.

No.

Most of them are good.

Well, yeah, the ones when you're in Las Vegas.

Well, I'll tell you, guys.

Check out the Real Ass podcast

with Tim Dylan yesterday.

We had a lot of fun.

It was a great show.

We had a lot of good riffs on that one.

I talked about those Hasidic guys I saw buying Dungeon.

Oh, yeah, talk about it here.

You only talked about the live show.

Yeah, but I already did it on Real Ass Podcast.

Dude, that's proprietary, man.

We're going to sue you for doing your best riffs on another show.

Me and Adam are going to form a fucking S-Corp.

We had a great union.

The whole thing about how the game Snooker is bullshit.

I love Snooker, though.

Do you play Snooker?

I used to.

Is that the one with the red balls?

It's just like

you shoot a little

you take turns, you sync all the balls at once.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to match up the colors.

Oh, I'm thinking of snood.

Oh, yeah.

You're playing synchronous.

That is not even.

That's on the computer.

Yeah.

That's what I thought you guys were talking about.

Snooker is like billiards.

Oh, oh, fuck that.

Fuckpool.

But it's like all the same color ball, I think, or black and red balls.

You have to sync the balls in like the appropriate order or whatever and something.

But I don't know.

Sounds fucking gay.

It is.

Yeah.

You guys ever played Bumper Pool?

Yeah, of course.

Shit rules, dude.

What is like, is it like pinball?

They got little bumpers on a pool table and shit.

You just got to get your red.

It's red versus

white, I think.

It's the one you thought Snooker was.

Oh, that's Bumper Pool.

Yeah.

What's Snooker then?

Snooker is like, there's a bunch of balls on the table.

One person sinks all the balls at once.

It's like bowling, I guess.

There's frames.

Yeah, I've never played it.

I don't know.

It's stupid.

It's a dumb sport.

It's like one of those sports where there's like, all right, well, there's already a more popular version of this, and I'm not good at that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'll do the one that most people don't do.

Right.

And then become good at that and pretend like racquetball and squash?

Yeah, squash.

Y'all ever play squash?

I love playing squash.

I love playing squash.

I like squash.

I like getting my pussy fat and playing squash.

Sometimes I put a whole squash racket in my hands.

You know what I'd like to do?

I put a whole butternut squash up my hands.

And then I go with my job and

the car dealer

says, Lanny, why you got that squash up your ass?

Because I tell him, I'm gay.

I'm gay.

What else am I supposed to do?

I'm gay, Lanny, with squash in my ass.

I go to the grocery store and I see the vegetables, and all I gotta, I just wanna put them in my ass.

That's the only thing I live for is putting them vegetables in my ass.

What's that, an eggplant?

Shove that in my ass.

Oh, boy.

My ass is starting to water.

Yeah, you know, something like that.

Gay Lenny's ass waters, not his mouth.

The Velveeta room in Austin.

Mrs.

Jake would tell me about this guy that used to come in to do the mic, but he was like some Texas guy, so he had the accent.

And he would order ice water, but he had the accents.

He'd be like, can Can I get a big old glass of ass water?

Can I get a glass of ass water, Chris?

That's what you do after an enema.

Yeah, he just drinking.

You might have to pour me up one of them used colonics.

Yes, sir.

Well, sir, there's nothing I love more than drinking my wife's coffee enema

after she passes it.

I'm we'll make a nice little iced coffee ass coffee ass coffee out of my wife's used colonics

yeah yep well sir we got a big hot heatable bladder and we fill it with nothing but the finest maxwell house

my wife she gets down doggy style and they use a garden hose to funnel it in and correct them wait about 10 minutes and then she so beautifully paints it all over my face and stuff

i drink that shit up brother and that's how i start my day

That's how you start a Lord's day.

That's right about that line.

Yes.

Well, I'd like to thank every member of the congregation that's come out to our new

1 a.m.

Mass.

Mass after hours.

After dark.

Yeah.

Welcome to church after dark.

Church after dark.

And this one, Jesus fucks.

Yes.

The megachurch is too a.

Yeah.

Welcome to church after dark, everybody.

I'm just saying, let's turn right to Leviticus

to the sexiest parts.

Everyone's just eating shrimp, fucking and sucking in a polyester cotton blend, which is not allowed.

Oh, you can turn water into wine, and you can also turn that ass out.

Mary Magdalene, he fucked her so hard one time that she pink-socked.

Who knows what that is?

Let's have Jeremiah come up here and explain what a pink sock is.

It's when the ass, the pussy come out of the hole.

More or less, that's right.

Thank you, brother.

very good brother Jeremiah now the Lord bless Jeremiah with Down syndrome but that doesn't stop him from knowing how to fuck

that's that's what church after dark is all about is we give us your sick you're poor you're mentally disabled you're handicapped and show me how hard they can fuck

it's you know when they fucking put their hands on someone and they like pass out and shit they do that but they're all coming

a guy that goes to an evangelical like a preacher and he's like my dick doesn't work anymore And he's like, Get out of here, Satan.

Just jerking him off.

Come on, get out of here, Satan, you bastard.

Just sucking the guy's dick.

Then the guy's like, dick gets hard, and his mom faints.

The priest just wipes the cum off his lips.

He's like, Now Satan was trapped in the form of cum.

Now

spit that sin directly into the holy water.

And we'll be right back from church after dog.

It's just Joel Osteen.

Blowing guys.

With his big horse mouth.

Yeah.

That's, I mean, it would make sense.

All those guys are gay, dude.

He's got a big-ass mouth.

Shout out to Creflo Dollar, the best name of all time.

700.

We do a joke about 700 Club as Pat Robertson is like the amount of women that he's fucked with.

He's like,

if you like getting pussy, this is the show to watch.

They used to confuse the shit out of me when 700 Club came on.

It was after cartoons.

Because I didn't understand.

It was like,

what is this?

Yeah.

I know.

I had no idea

bullshit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was waiting for it to be like a funny show or like waiting for him to be sort of like Mr.

Rogers.

It was like Sunday mornings, right?

Yeah.

And then like 15 minutes in, you're like, oh, this is some bullshit fucking religious shit.

What's the 700?

700 AD is when Jesus came back.

What?

No.

No, I thought he came back four days later.

No, he came back 700 years later.

To create.

In the Middle Ages, he just fucked up a knight.

Yeah, yeah.

To create evangelicalism.

What is 700?

What is 700?

No.

This is 700.

Oh, they named it after the amount of inches of my dick.

Yeah.

Pat Robertson, did I?

No, Pat Robertson was like bragging about leg pressing 2,000 pounds

years ago.

Is he jagged?

No.

But the leg press is a fake exercise.

Right.

It feels cool, though, to put a bunch of plates on.

Yeah.

Was that Pat Robertson or Pat Buchanan?

No, it's Pat Robertson.

I don't know why I thought it was Pat Buchanan.

No, Pat Buchanan

says a Pat Buchanan quote where he's like just praising Hitler.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Just unironically.

That rules, man.

Yeah.

Well, that's the show for today.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks for coming to the show last night.

Oh, yeah, that was a fun show.

I feel like, when's the next one?

In two weeks?

The 28th, though?

Okay.

It'll be the Monday of Labor Day or whatever.

Yeah, Autobar.

Memorial Day.

August.

August 4th?

Something.

12th?

Yeah, yeah, something like that.

4th?

Yeah.

Buy those Otter Bar tickets.

And then Cleveland and Boston in September.

And I think I'm in Long Island.

Oh, it's 12th.

I'm in Long Island in July.

The 12th.

August 12th at Autobar.

And then, yeah, Cleveland and Boston in September.

Yeah.

Let's do it, folks.

Bye.

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