Ep. 88 – Finally Real Boys

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Speaker 2 Welcome to the new

Speaker 2 professional audio edited

Speaker 2 of Cometown. We figured out the audio finally.
It's perfect. I spent a bunch of time learning how to.

Speaker 2 Now you just broke it by screaming, I think. Oh, did I? Yeah.
I tried to make it so...

Speaker 2 sad.

Speaker 2 That was the bit we were doing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm in.

Speaker 2 You're in the gay place now.

Speaker 2 What is this place?

Speaker 2 Some kind of.

Speaker 2 Some kind of cave?

Speaker 2 Everything smells like shit in here.

Speaker 2 You're inside of a man's ass.

Speaker 2 This is the gay place.

Speaker 2 But I'm not gay.

Speaker 2 Oh, you are now.

Speaker 2 Where's my wife? You're all gone, Richard.

Speaker 2 It's just you now.

Speaker 2 You and every gay man.

Speaker 2 That's not fair.

Speaker 2 I only shucked one deck and it was in the Navy.

Speaker 2 I did what my country asked for me.

Speaker 2 There's no excuses in the gay place.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Yeah, well, I should probably

Speaker 2 turn the volume down. Hopefully that doesn't destroy the recording.
Do you think it did?

Speaker 2 Should we pause and listen?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know what? We can do that now that we're using a computer to record the podcast.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I guess there's going to be some overlap, but I did pause and re-record, and it sounds fine.

Speaker 2 We're good to go. The new professional setup.
Hell yeah, dude. So hopefully

Speaker 2 I'm not. The problem with this is now I have a computer in front of me.
So my impulse is to use Get On Reddit. You know, let's get on Chatterbait.
Right, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 Let's see who's jacking off on Chatterbait. Yeah, probably.
It's funny, you go to Chatterbait and they rank it by

Speaker 2 biggest pussy? By biggest pussy, yeah. No, by audience size.
Yeah, by audience size.

Speaker 2 Adam you can figure out. Adam's spent a lot of time on chatterbait.
Yeah, I like the ones where not a lot of people are watching.

Speaker 2 You're a hipster. You're a beat off hipster.
Yeah, I like just

Speaker 2 an old woman with

Speaker 2 just saggy titties.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like nipples to knees.

Speaker 2 That's my kind of thing. That long-ass areola.
Ooh, yeah.

Speaker 2 The areola is the center part, right? Yeah. I like it when the titties look like tubes.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Just two penises.

Speaker 2 I was laughing today about my wife asking me to get my tube tied.

Speaker 2 She doesn't get pregnant.

Speaker 2 A very strong doctor

Speaker 2 tie my dick in a knot like the end of a balloon.

Speaker 2 Mutilated balloon.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got my tube tied

Speaker 2 so that my wife doesn't get pregnant.

Speaker 2 Just a bunch of

Speaker 2 cum build-up. It's a reversible procedure.
Yeah. I piss in my own face now.
Anyway, so on Chatterbait, right, they rank it by

Speaker 2 the number of views.

Speaker 2 The other night there was on the first page of like a 70-year-old woman. No, really? Well, like an old, just

Speaker 2 a haggard, no, methy-looking bitch. Was it a glitch? No, and she was just furiously masturbating.
I'm like, I gotta see what's going on.

Speaker 2 So I clicked on it, and she's just masturbating. And the description, you know, it's like whatever they have at the top.
It's like the description of what they're doing.

Speaker 2 And it just said, watching my man jacket.

Speaker 2 So there was a guy beating off, and she was looking at him? I guess, yeah. Nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that was a lot of people were. Was she getting a lot of tokens? Because most of them are like Russian sex slaves.
Or like a

Speaker 2 Colombian 13-year-olds in a warehouse. Yeah, with triple Z tits.
Yeah. Oh, damn.
Titty's So Big, her bra looks like it's asleep. A sleeping cartoon.
And they don't really do much to dress the setup.

Speaker 2 My girlfriend, Titty's So Big, her bra size looks like a black man's report card.

Speaker 2 That's pretty good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. I'm being texted.
Another thing, having the computer open, all my text messages coming out. Oh, just turn it around.
Turn it. No, because I got it.
I'm the producer now. So I got to.

Speaker 2 By the way, this means I'm taking even more money now that I'm producing. No,

Speaker 2 that's what you were supposed to be getting more money for.

Speaker 2 You say you were going to produce it from the beginning. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, now I am.

Speaker 2 What do the texts say? Read them live on air.

Speaker 2 It's gossip about a friend of ours.

Speaker 2 I don't want to say who, but let's just say he's from Puerto Rico.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Ricky Martin. You guys have been.

Speaker 2 Put that back, Adam.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Put that back in there.
Don't ever take that out again. I'm not.

Speaker 2 I wasn't playing.

Speaker 2 You got to stop with the fidgeting. We got to get you a fidget.
It helps me focus if I'm playing with something. If you're not digging in my hand.
Why don't you play with me?

Speaker 2 Yeah, play with your dick. Play with my dick.
Yeah, play with my own day off. You know that's all you want.
That's all, Adam. That's what he's dying for.
Tug on my foreskin on a little pineapple.

Speaker 2 Silly to get his fucking paws and a nice lip-smacking cock.

Speaker 2 Adam, did you just lick your lips and look at my cock? No, that was you making the lick. You just did that.

Speaker 2 No, Nick did that. Don't say that, though.
Did he just lick his lips and look at my cock? Anyway, so it doesn't matter that the show is going to be bad in terms of like content because it sounds

Speaker 2 crisp.

Speaker 2 That's what we're going for in 2018: being the best sounding podcast.

Speaker 2 No bits. No bits.
Just people. This is going to be ASMR.

Speaker 2 I might start an ASMR channel. My cock.
Yeah, and it's all shit like that. Suck my fucking little cock.

Speaker 2 I got fucked in the ass, but I molested me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You think there's that kind of molestation? I don't know.
I don't know what ASMR is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's basically it. It's that and like people flicking there's some lady that eats a secret molestation recording.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 There's some lady who eats vegetables very loud, and I don't get the appeal of that. That's nice.
That's Bugs Bunny. Yeah, actually.
She's like, What's up, Doctor?

Speaker 2 It's like a black lady with very pink lipstick, and she's eating cucumbers loud as fuck. Have you ever seen that video, the grapefruit video?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 Classic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that glog, gla, glog, glog, glo. The way she sounds when she's sucking that dildo.
Oh, that would have been awesome to get away. That's ASMR to me.
That's

Speaker 2 my version of ASMR. Put the fucking grapefruit on.
Yeah, the grapefruit lady.

Speaker 2 God damn. Have you ever had a blowjob that furious?

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course. Everybody has.

Speaker 2 I have. What about you, Adam? Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, that's a no.

Speaker 2 No, not that furious. Come on, not with the

Speaker 2 Tim wants me to bull-top him. No, clearly.

Speaker 2 No, that's not what he wants. It's physically.

Speaker 2 He wants to molest you like he's like a fucking little league coach. Yeah, yeah.
Giving you pointers. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 No, he was saying he wanted to have like a a sleepover scenario, suck your cock where he's like, come on, dude. Yeah, and he's like the father of the boy you're sleeping over.

Speaker 2 Well, in that case, that's the sleepover scenario. Well, in that case, I'm not doing it.

Speaker 2 I thought it was friends at a sleepover. And someone pretending to be my friend sounds enticing enough.

Speaker 2 All it takes is friendship for you to get your cock sucked by a man. All it takes is friendship for me to do a whole lot of fun.
All you need is friendship.

Speaker 2 Did you get your cock sucked by a man?

Speaker 2 So, you guys still on that chatterbait heavy?

Speaker 2 I don't beat off what we're doing. I like it because you don't have to tip.

Speaker 2 It's just suggested. That's right.
I'll be honest with you guys. I'm a little nervous with this.

Speaker 2 The computer thing is making it harder for me to just do the show. I don't trust that it's not going to fuck up.
We'll get that.

Speaker 2 I guess we'll just go, and if it fucks up, it fucks up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How do you think it's going to fuck up? Either stop recording or something. Once you add.
You need like a red light or something, right?

Speaker 2 once you add no i can see that it's recording but like once you add an additional like the the zoom works fine zoom is never fucked up unless i've like fucked up by not replacing the batteries right or having the wrong input set

Speaker 2 um i've recorded shit on laptops before not in logic but in audition where like it just crashes it just yeah it gets fucked up dude i used to do all those like prank phone calls i had one where i kept best buy on the line for 45 minutes and you lost as an old man i It was like probably the best prank call I've ever done in my life.

Speaker 2 Where I had some

Speaker 2 squad guy. I can call him Gook Squad.
Oh, hell yeah. They're like, sir, that's not what it's called.
Fuck yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I know you're going to send one of your gooks. Yeah, I was like, are you one of the gooks?

Speaker 2 They're like, excuse me.

Speaker 2 Dude, it was perfect. It was like that best.
It was like the holy grail of your grandfather's activity. That's a prank call.
No, you don't even need to fucking hit it that hard over there.

Speaker 2 Just saying gook. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it.

Speaker 2 The bit is that it's a confused old man.

Speaker 2 Not that he's outwardly racist. He just didn't, he doesn't.
No, in his mind, it would be reasonable that it would be called that.

Speaker 2 So he doesn't get it, but he's like, I guess. I don't know.
I mean, things used to be called things like that.

Speaker 2 I guess it's not out of the realm of possibilities. Damn, and it just crazes.
Anyway, so yeah, I had this guy on fucking on the phone, and I was like,

Speaker 2 I was like, my family got me this computer to help me listen to the podcast. There's a Nazi podcast I want to listen to.

Speaker 2 And I was like, which button do you press to listen to the podcast?

Speaker 2 And I was like, they were like, well, I don't know, sir. You know, they were describing how to get on Internet Explorer.
And I was like, well, there's a button here that says ESC. What is that?

Speaker 2 They're like, uh.

Speaker 2 Well, like on the keyboard? I'm like, yeah. They're like, that's the escape key.
And I'm like, okay.

Speaker 2 Well, will that

Speaker 2 let me listen to

Speaker 2 the podcast? And they're like, no. I'm like, okay.

Speaker 2 Well, there's a button here that says F1.

Speaker 2 What does that do? And then I got to like F4 before the guy's like, sir, I'm not going to explain every key on the keyboard.

Speaker 2 He's like losing his fucking mind. Of course.
I got off the phone and I was like, perfect. I ruined that guy's day.

Speaker 2 That minimum wage guy.

Speaker 2 They make pretty good money at Geek Squad. They get like $11, $12 a week.

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 They get to ride around on those VWs. That's what I made at Sher Williams.
I made a fat $11.

Speaker 2 Because I put on the form $11 an hour.

Speaker 2 It was supposed to be $10, and I'll just put $11. Yeah, this is like, I never had to sit down.
You apply for some bullshit job. They're like, how much money do you want to make an hour? And it's like,

Speaker 2 well, a million dollars an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I put $15 an hour and they're like, no. And then don't even give me that option.
Yeah, fucking insult.

Speaker 2 But then the lady just asked me, so what are we starting you at? And the guy told me 10 and I just said 11 and no one checked. Instead of name,

Speaker 2 instead of name, it should just be, what would you like to be called? Yeah. And then they're like, all right, well, we only have Richard name tags.
So

Speaker 2 I guess you're dick now.

Speaker 2 You already got a dicky. I'd like to be King Hardcock, please.
Yeah. Refer to me as King Hardcock.

Speaker 2 Anyways.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. And then I went, I I played back that fucking recording and it was like

Speaker 2 all static and shit. So I'm pissed.
But you were so

Speaker 2 I call up Toshiba Tech Support and I'm like,

Speaker 2 you know, why is this recording fucked up? And they're like, I don't know, something happened in the thing. And I'm like, well, I'm trying to make my Nazi podcast.

Speaker 2 You know, this recording was for the Nazi podcast and it's fucked up. And they're like, well, I don't know what to do.
I'm like, is there a button I can press to fix it?

Speaker 2 And they're like, probably not. I'm like, well, there's this ESC key.

Speaker 2 Damn, dude. For the love of the game.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck. Yeah, I haven't done a prank call in quite some time.
Yeah. But I don't know.
Maybe I'll get back in there. Remember when Paul Hooper was saying that he went to jail for prank calling 911? No.

Speaker 2 He's a guy. We talk about sobriety or whatever.

Speaker 2 I love Hooper. He's great.
And he's been sober for a while. He's like, yeah, I went to jail pretty bad a couple years ago.
He was like, whatever you go to jail for. He's like,

Speaker 2 I was just really drunk. I called in a bomb threat to 911.

Speaker 2 He told them he was going to blow up 911. I don't know.
Yeah, something like that. That rules, man.
Yeah, dude. It's funny.
Some people are hilarious because it's like, you know, they're like...

Speaker 2 They already did all this. Yeah, so they're super reasonable.
Then you hear the shit they did, and you're like, what? Yeah, like, Evan. You shit in a lady's mouth?

Speaker 2 Like, what the fuck is going on here? Yeah. A lady was asleep on the train, and you just put a little bit of shit on her nose.
The Evan's story about the snake is the funniest.

Speaker 2 It's still the funniest shit. What story about the snake? About how him and his friend.

Speaker 2 Oh, did you tell it on the podcast? No, I don't think he did it on the podcast. I think he told me once.
Oh, what's the story? He has a bit about it.

Speaker 2 Is it a bit? Yeah. So it's from his act.
What's this?

Speaker 2 Something like. Let's do our friends' jokes and stuff.
No, no, he bought a snake with Coke money. That's a good way to have a for-profit show:

Speaker 2 is to just repeat bits from

Speaker 2 underpaid comedian friends as our own content.

Speaker 2 Evan's Jack, though. So it's funny.
Yeah. That's like a lean guy thing, too, right? Evan's not only Jacked, he's lean now, too.
Oh, he lost? Because Evan was fat before.

Speaker 2 He was fat. He was fat.
And you can't say that.

Speaker 2 People who don't go to the gym don't understand what it means to be fat. They see somebody with big arms and they're like, oh, that guy's in shape.
But Evan was disgusting.

Speaker 2 he wasn't disgusting he was nick is straight up yeah nick is fucking nick is about to get on a straight eating disorder shit yeah nick is like on those websites not my own look there's the only problem with eating disorders is if they affect you

Speaker 2 if you employ them to hurt other people nick's about to go on those pro-anorexia websites where he convinces other 12-year-olds to keep don't eat just don't do it you'll look hot dude now that we got pro audio editing i can just throw i can put in some silver chair in the background oh yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Which Silver Chair? The Australian band.
Pro-anorexia band. Yeah, the guy

Speaker 2 had to quit because the lead singer had anorexia. What amazing! Amazing guy.
Yeah. He always used to confuse Silver Chair and Jane's addiction.
I don't know why. Really? I used to confuse them and

Speaker 2 you know what she was addicted to?

Speaker 2 My cock. Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? My cock. No.

Speaker 2 Just in general. No, my cock.
This guy's named Perry.

Speaker 2 Perry Cuomo. Perry is Mario Como's brother.
No, no.

Speaker 2 Pericomo is like a singer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's he was a singer Silverchair. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Perry, I don't know, but I think he was Greek. From Jane's Addiction.
I think so. No, this is him.
Yeah, Perry Como.

Speaker 2 Also known as Mr. C, was an American singer and television personality during a career spanning more than half a century.
He recorded exclusively for RCA Victor for 44 years.

Speaker 2 After signing with the label in 1943,

Speaker 2 went on to start the band Silver Chair.

Speaker 2 Harry Como was like a Frank Sinatra kind of guy. He was an anorexic

Speaker 2 on the Perry Como show.

Speaker 2 A pro-anorexia American bandstand.

Speaker 2 It was on in the 60s. That's why

Speaker 2 morbid obesity became a problem in the 70s when we had some more fat style singers.

Speaker 2 Would you, for fuck's sake? Sorry, I'm going to stop playing. Stop fidgeting.
Again, you can fidget with my dick if you need to fidget with somebody. I don't don't want to fidget with your dick.

Speaker 2 It's going to ruin the dynamic of the podcast. No, it won't.
Yes, it will. I have a foreskin.

Speaker 2 You've never touched a foreskin. You know, man, as I get closer to 30, quick reminder that Adam is almost 31 years old, by the way.
Yeah, Adam's an old bitch. Dude, that's so old.

Speaker 2 I'm still clinging on to my youth. I'm the youngest one.
I'm 28. That's why you're the idealistic one.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 The world hasn't beaten me. It's crazy.
I'm the cynic. When this podcast started, I was 17 years old.

Speaker 2 And I was 16. And Adam was 30 years.
I was 30.

Speaker 2 Adam was 30 years old. Still hadn't hit puberty yet, though.
Me and Stavros were more advanced than Adam in terms of pubes and coming. And

Speaker 2 lowness of nuts. I don't know.
I'm just going to nut into my girlfriend, I think. Are you? You're trying to have a baby? Yeah,

Speaker 2 31. I have to have kids, right? Is that the rule?

Speaker 2 If you have a kid, we're going to fire you. Damn.
The second half of my life is going to be a fucking disaster, dude.

Speaker 2 You think so oh yeah i do not have the personality for i'm like an insane narcissist there's no way i can deal with dating kid and stuff or for myself first of all it would be i remember when you highly do not let nick have a kid highly irresponsible of me to have a child that would be wild but yeah i'm gonna be i'm gonna be getting like fake teeth and shit and tanning and like fucking hair plugs that start halfway down my forehead what's that guy's name george i'm gonna be one of those guys that's in his like 70s dating like i don't know like a 31 year old filipino woman Yeah, you're going to be like Liberace, dude.

Speaker 2 You're going to get women that look like you. You're going to make them get flashed.
Laser surgery to look like you're going to be. They look like you with abs.

Speaker 2 Look like you right now. You know what you'd look cool with?

Speaker 2 Like Pauly, wings, you know, like the

Speaker 2 gray hair kind of. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm hoping I just sort of age gracefully into one of those sort of like disgusting, cursed, jockey Irish men.
You know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You get old, you start wearing newsie caps. Yeah, that's fine.
Just spitting all the time. Yeah, you always have a newspaper.
Have a newsie cap under your arm. What?

Speaker 2 You always have a newspaper under your arm.

Speaker 2 Not cold all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't want to get into that. Get into

Speaker 2 betting on horses. Yeah, that'd be cool.
I think I'm going to get into betting soon. I think I'm really going to get back into gambling.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I need a couple voices. Didn't we try to pick basketball picks on our podcast and we got everyone? Yeah, we got everything wrong, I think.

Speaker 2 We got to do picks on, or you guys got to do it. Oh, yeah, yeah.
We got Super Bowl. We got some.
We got it on lock.

Speaker 2 We'll do that in a fucking minute. I got some inside info, actually, on the page.
Do you have some tips? I got some

Speaker 2 insider trading. Something you fucked Gronk.
Gronk ruined your asshole. I fucked Gronk for the fans.

Speaker 2 If you guys want to do your picks now, and then we can just do the read at 30 minutes, because it's technically still mid-roll if we're...

Speaker 2 What do we have to pick? I haven't even looked at it. No, we'll do the promo.
We'll do that.

Speaker 2 We'll stop recording. Start recording again.
Yeah. We're addicted to pausing now that we can't do it.

Speaker 2 I love pausing. I love pausing, dude.
Yeah. Check this shit out.
And we're back. And we're back.

Speaker 2 I just, we watched every single episode of Who's the Boss. Yep.
Yep.

Speaker 2 And I got some thoughts. The audience at home, it sounds like, you know, we were gone for

Speaker 2 not even gone. That's the magic pocket.
It ends with me saying, check this out, and then immediately cuts to me. And we're back.
And we're back. And we watched every episode of

Speaker 2 Perfect Strangers, or whatever I said.

Speaker 2 Who's the boss?

Speaker 2 Did you hear that? We'll go to the tape and then we'll find out what it is.

Speaker 2 Hold on, Paul.

Speaker 2 Who do you think is the boss?

Speaker 2 Did you need to see the bitch? Yep. We've talked about this before.
Diane Bitch.

Speaker 2 We've talked about this, and then I think I brought up Elisa Milano's titties, and then we talked about the vampire movie. She was a child.
Yeah, in the vampire movie where you could see her titties.

Speaker 2 Which I beat off to. Is it Kiss of Vampire or

Speaker 2 Shit? I think it's Kiss.

Speaker 2 Which is the one with Nicholas Cage?

Speaker 2 Maybe Kiss of the Vampire. Maybe that's Kiss.
I don't think.

Speaker 2 But all I I know is onvideos.com beat off to that.

Speaker 2 That was like a very early. She was also in the Joey Buttofuko movie.
Yeah, this is literally the conversation. Yeah, the last conversation.
We have no

Speaker 2 shall we pause?

Speaker 2 Let's listen back to every episode of Come Time. Yeah.
That would be horrible, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. That would be brutal.
I'd feel awful. No more sucking off my gay ass.
That's nice. Thanks, man.

Speaker 2 Suck my little fucking gay dick.

Speaker 2 R.I.P. Neil Young.
Is he dead? He will be by the time this air. Oh, are we going to kill him? Those are the predictions.
Those are my picks.

Speaker 2 You can bet on that on Pet

Speaker 2 Sock. Yeah, bet Dick Suck International.
All right. Well, don't talk shit about the sponsor, man.

Speaker 2 I mean, wait until we do the read. I don't.

Speaker 2 I don't want to fuck up the contract.

Speaker 2 That's not.

Speaker 2 So this is our big State of the Union episode. Oh, yeah.
Fuck. That's happening tonight, right? Damn.

Speaker 2 We should have fucking watched it.

Speaker 2 The stars are out. Oh, did you watch the Grammys? I watched like five minutes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars were like everything.
Oh, shit. We were talking about Bruno Jaidena Mars or whatever the fuck.
Yep, that's right. We were talking about it.
I think I was doing it.

Speaker 2 All right, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I was doing Bruno Jidena and no one appreciated it. You were doing genius of that thing.
We were doing Bruno Jaidena and also Miguel. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Bruno Jardene.

Speaker 2 See, now you can appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Hey, you're listening to Bruno Jaidena, a.k.a. the classic man.
We were ending the show, and he just started doing that bit for like six minutes. I don't know why that.
It still shows

Speaker 2 funny. I don't know what makes it unlike Bruno Jidena.
Michael Jackson one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Or a guy named Bruno Jidena.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Bruno Giantenna. Well, that was officially the Comptown bump.
So that set him over the?

Speaker 2 That's why he got all the trophies. Yeah, we recorded that on Saturday.
He won the battle. He's a very bouncy man.
Bruno?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think he's like 5'2 ⁇ , also. He's a short guy.
He's Adam's height. That's not true.
He's your height. He's your height.
We've already made this clear.

Speaker 2 If you're taller than you, I'm stronger than you.

Speaker 2 You're not taller than me. Bruno Barr is your stronger.
You're debatably stronger than me. I could literally fucking crush your head into a million pieces.
You could crush it how?

Speaker 2 With my fucking hands, dude. That's not true.
I'll put it between. I will crush your fucking.
We should do it. We're going to do a thigh crush.

Speaker 2 I would lie my way out of it. You know what those big shit is? We're going to do the final episode of this show is we're going to do it Legion of Skanks style.
We have a bunch of interns from

Speaker 2 towns in New Jersey that Bruce Springsteen would be embarrassed of.

Speaker 2 That are all way too fucking drunk and high, videotaping me putting your fucking head between my hands and squeezing it as hard as I can. Oh, you would do that stuff.

Speaker 2 Until you're fucking, until blood comes out of your eye sockets and those.

Speaker 2 I'm going to kill you on the final episode.

Speaker 2 That would be cool. If you can't crush my skull with your bare hands.
And I can. If you can, and I fucking can, dude.
I hate to be this guy, but

Speaker 2 I'm fucking. The bone in my skull, which is hard.
It's a hard bone. Yeah, I'll crush it, dude.

Speaker 2 I got it hard. I got a hard bone you can crush.
And there's a plate in there, too, so you can't crush it. Or you have a plate in your skull.
I got a plate right here. A collectible plate?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's cool. A commemorative plate.
It's a salvation army. Or an Israel commemorative plate installed in his brain.
Yeah, it's for the Jewish national fun.

Speaker 2 Do you really have a plate in your head? No. Oh, that'd be cool.
Do people do that? Some people do.

Speaker 2 Of course, people do that. We thought there was something cool and interesting about you, but no.
There is cool and interesting stuff about me. Name one thing.

Speaker 2 I had a lot of stress in my house growing up.

Speaker 2 That sucks. Adam had a rough childhood.
Sometimes his dad would have a couple of glasses of wine and raise his voice.

Speaker 2 We've all heard about Adam's terrible childhood.

Speaker 2 His father, who says things loudly.

Speaker 2 You got to stop making background noise. On the table, especially.
Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
It's all right. I mean, you can fidget.
Just do it off the table. I'm going to fidget here.

Speaker 2 Julie, there's a way to fidget without making noise.

Speaker 2 Maybe if there was some soft flesh, you could run your fingers.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to jack you off. No, don't jack me off, but play with my foreskin a little bit.

Speaker 2 Aren't you curious to think what a foreskin feels like? No. You've never felt one.
I was in gym class. I saw them.
Did you? I stared at them. Yeah.
And you look at your lips. Yes, it looks fucked up.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 The German kid that Adam was that hated because of his programming, his Hasbara programming, and then also had just a forbidden sexual desire towards

Speaker 2 and for. I the German

Speaker 2 Adam's sexual awakening was in that shower when him and that German boy compared dick sizes and they argued about whether or not the foreskin counts. Oh, it counts.
Oh, no.

Speaker 2 It definitely counts, first of all. And also,

Speaker 2 you dock it, dude. You don't measure.

Speaker 2 It definitely counts.

Speaker 2 You can measure it. You can stretch out your foreskin.

Speaker 2 Here's what I do. Check this out.
Look, I'm wearing a beanie right now. I'm actually six foot three.
Yeah. Hey, man, stretching it out.
The beanie's not part of your body, pal.

Speaker 2 There's a foreskin. Yes, it is.
No, that's borrowed inches. That's close.
No, dude.

Speaker 2 It gives you an extra optical inch. If you shave your pubes and have a foreskin.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Because it looks like you have a three-inch dick. It doesn't look like.
No.

Speaker 2 No. Do you shave your pubes? No, I don't.
I trim. I don't really.
You don't trim?

Speaker 2 You're a wild boy.

Speaker 2 I keep my shit real clean. Ooh.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I go.

Speaker 2 Like number two. Well, look at my fucking mustache.
Look at the amount of work I put into that.

Speaker 2 Well, who knows, man? You can have a wild thicket of pubes down there. Nah, sometimes I'll let it go, but it's like, it just gets sweaty and fucking uncomfortable.
Do you take a razor to it?

Speaker 2 No, I use

Speaker 2 clippers with like a number three guard

Speaker 2 on top, and then I

Speaker 2 clean up the base. And I actually have been using that Philips Norelco.
This is an official shade. Yeah, the one blade.

Speaker 2 I use the one blade. I might.
I'll put you onto that.

Speaker 2 You do? Yo, that sounds good. You do shave your balls.
I've never shaved my balls before until I started using the Phillips Norelco One Blade stuff. That could work.
It's $30.

Speaker 2 It's available on Amazon Prime now, so it can be at your house in two hours. Yeah,

Speaker 2 you can have smooth balls just like

Speaker 2 a smooth ball, smooth brain. I'm about to literally buy it right now.

Speaker 2 By the time I go home, I will get it and I will shave my hands. Dude, it's nice.
If you like getting your fucking nuts sucked, which I love it. I don't really care for it.
Nah, because it's like...

Speaker 2 That's nice. They always sort of like bite your ball a little bit.
It doesn't really like. Well, if they suck too hard.
Yeah, a ball's not supposed to go in somebody's mouth.

Speaker 2 Oh, I couldn't disagree more. You can't.
Yeah, no, no. I don't want affirm suction, but I want.
If you get a sloppy hand job

Speaker 2 during a ball suck, that's the thing. How about a nice broad tongue lick? A broad tongue lick on your nuts.
And then lick them up all the way to your cock? Come on. Yeah.
I mean, geez, Louise.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know what? There's nothing better than that. Anyways, you should be fucking trimming your shit if

Speaker 2 people are going to. Sucking your nuts.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
I mean, you should just in general. I keep it pretty tight.
It's hygiene.

Speaker 2 No, that's not true. It is.
No, we're evolutionarily supposed to have big

Speaker 2 short teas.

Speaker 2 No deodorant. I'm caveman style, dude.
I'm paleo. Day, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ball sack.

Speaker 2 Your nuts are paleo warriors. Yeah, yeah.
My nuts are very much in the 21st century. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just, I think that, like, uh, if you know, you have hair and the person you're having sex with has hair, it's less friction. It's evolutionarily, that's how how it

Speaker 2 makes sex more comfortable. I want to get, I want to go to, I want to go to, like, one of those rock and roll barber shops

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 get a hot shave on my nuts. Just go to Floyd's 99 and get them to put that.
Get a wrap it in a towel. Exactly.
Wrap my nuts in a towel. Mario.

Speaker 2 And then use one of those fucking old-fashioned blades and just

Speaker 2 get my shit so scary. That's so scary.

Speaker 2 Hold it from the top of the foreskin. And then

Speaker 2 there's some great visuals.

Speaker 2 You guys have stray hairs on your shaft, too. Not really.
Yeah, not that much. Well, I get

Speaker 2 around the base, and sometimes I'll wax that shit off. No, yeah, yeah, you wax the base, your cock, yeah, yeah.
Where do you get wax from?

Speaker 2 You just get it at Target, they got shit that like you just it heats up, you rub your hands together. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 Because you used to shave that shit, and it's painful when it grows back. You wax it, it doesn't come back from your body.
You wax your gooch, no, that would be excruciating.

Speaker 2 I feel like a gooch should be hair. No, you take it.
You take maybe like a half inch of hair off the base with like wax strips. It's like, yeah, it's why do you do it? Honestly, stick looks better.

Speaker 2 No, it's just, you know what it is? I get folliculitis.

Speaker 2 Folliculitis.

Speaker 2 Well, whatever. Folliculitis.
My follicles get infected. Folliculitis.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, follic my fucking dick.

Speaker 2 Damn folliculitis. Yeah, if I

Speaker 2 if I don't maintain that shit, like, you know, because what I'll do is I'll fuck and then I won't bathe for like three days. Oh, yeah, I love that.

Speaker 2 And then it's like, oh, well, now it looks like my dick's about to fall off. Yeah.
I told you guys how Eldis got a yeast infection on his dick, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think Shudd also gets folliculitis and his dick just looks fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I've never, thank God, that's, you know, I have an oil, olive-oily, smooth cock.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've never, I've never had a venereal disease, knock on wood. No, I've had so many dick problems.
Really? Yeah. I've had like, I've had, I've had, like, hematomas and shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 2 Where it's like just blood, like, that built up underneath the skin. Yeah, like severe purpose.
From what? From jacking off too furiously? Yeah, just fucking like, just going nuts. Salute.

Speaker 2 I get a little...

Speaker 2 I mean, that's... Mummy loves beating off.
Yeah, dude. You get drunk.
You fucking just binge. The shit out of you.
You just yank your fucking cock like a lawnmower that won't start. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's being fucked up and then just like not being... Like, and jacking off fucked up.
Coke, Coke. The Coke.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like fucking fucking while real drunk and like my dick won't stay hard, so I'll like just squeeze the shit out of it. Oh, buddy, of course.
I know all about putting the hand at the base.

Speaker 2 And then like you wake up the next morning and then there's your dick looks like it just lost a fight. Yeah.
Street Fighter. I just tape my dick up like it's a boxer's hands.
Yeah. At the base.

Speaker 2 My dick looks like cut me.

Speaker 2 You just lost his doll seam.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was weird how there was like only like maybe like 12 or 15 girls at that DC show we did. Was it weird or was it exactly correct? See, I don't think about shit like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, that was weird. I thought that was weird.
It's like, oh, well, that means that... Oh, no, I was just making a joke about how weird

Speaker 2 our penis is.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. No, because you were doing that at the live show.
You're like, oh, there's no girls here. I'd like more girls in our fan base.
That would be nice. I think all of them are.

Speaker 2 But what the fuck does it matter? I think it would be nice, you know, just.

Speaker 2 But it's an extension of that, like, when you'd post something on Facebook and somebody would be like, only three women like this.

Speaker 2 No. it's the exact same thing.
That's what you're doing by millions.

Speaker 2 More girls there. Why? So you can try to fuck them.
That's

Speaker 2 the only valid reason you're allowed. That's really

Speaker 2 one reason.

Speaker 2 We should have a show that appeals to everybody. Fuck you.
Go right for BuzzFeed or something. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is a serious show. Right.

Speaker 2 Now, anyway. About men's issues,

Speaker 2 such as folliculitis on your fucking dick. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 We're going to take a break and have a message from our sponsor, and we'll be back.

Speaker 2 I love pausing.

Speaker 2 Pausing is great. All right.

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Start winning today. And Adam and Stav, do you have picks for this week? Take the damn Eagles.
Fuck the Patriots. That's our picks.
Eagles plus six.

Speaker 2 The line might have moved a little bit, but take the damn Eagles. For everything that's good in the world, they're going to win.
The Patriots are too hot. Adam, what do you say? Let's go, Eagles.

Speaker 2 Let's go, Big Dick, Nick, Foles. That's right.
Let's go. Rocky.
I'll have a Rocky Balboa. We'll drink a tall glass of Wooder.

Speaker 2 Philadelphia stuff. That's right, baby.

Speaker 2 Gino, speak English. Yeah, speak fucking English.
Sounds good. And I guess we can just go right back into the episode.
Damn.

Speaker 2 That's the beauty of the professional audience. I was hoping we'd do a little pause.
I love pausing, but sometimes

Speaker 2 it's edging.

Speaker 2 Now I can't wait until the next time we pause. Are you getting into edging? No, I've never edged in my life.

Speaker 2 The goal is to come. The goal is to come.
I love coming. I like to edge with food.
Sometimes I put just the tip of a little smoky.

Speaker 2 yeah, I got a little smoky. You put the tip in.
You get very little smokey.

Speaker 2 I didn't know they made smokies even littler.

Speaker 2 A little or smoky.

Speaker 2 I don't edge, but I have

Speaker 2 fucked and tried not to come,

Speaker 2 which is sort of de facto edging. I feel like when we were too good, I found a little can of Gerber's Vienna sausage in the garage, and I was eating them.

Speaker 2 In the garage. I don't know why they were in the garage.
Gerber is like the baby food? The baby food, yeah. But they made Vienna sausages.
They had little Vienna sausages. Those were baby dicks.

Speaker 2 They were just in the garage for something.

Speaker 2 I don't know about that. Nice.
In a jar? Yeah. Pickle.
That sounds nice. Motherfucker.
I'll eat anything. I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 I feel like edging is like something that's done only by the very wealthy.

Speaker 2 I'm actually an edge fund manager. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I teach rich people how to not come.

Speaker 2 I have the world's biggest chod.

Speaker 2 I call it the big short.

Speaker 2 Or I'm an edge fund manager that predicted that

Speaker 2 nothing really. But during 2008, I did a lot of jacking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, not coming. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So stay tuned for a nice period piece from 10 years ago where everybody's got candy bar phones, but then they dress mostly the same. Mm-hmm.
Got it. Slightly shittier haircut.
No Kia. Snake.

Speaker 2 Yeah, playing snake on the phone. Do you find that when you beat off and don't come for a while, the load is thicker? It's not thicker.
There's more of it. There's more, yeah, for sure.
And I haven't.

Speaker 2 For whatever reason,

Speaker 2 when I'm busting at home,

Speaker 2 I'm doing in the privacy of your home.

Speaker 2 When I'm doing some personal busting sessions, my dick never gets hard all the way. Okay, fair.

Speaker 2 I never get hardjacking off all the way. I don't know how people get hard outside of fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I need to be in the pussy to reach final form.

Speaker 2 I get my dick 85% of the way there, and once we're in,

Speaker 2 then we're really.

Speaker 2 I'll wake up in the middle of the night with a boner. I sleep hard, you know.
Yeah. During the day, sometimes in the morning, I'll wake up

Speaker 2 only if I fall asleep on my stomach, which is a rarity.

Speaker 2 I'm a stomach sleeper. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Because there's like pressure on the dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a stomach sleeper. You are.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, I wake up at like 7 a.m., immediately bang out 50 push-ups, start punching holes in the drywall.

Speaker 2 I get my fucking day going.

Speaker 2 I was looking at Mark Wahlberg's Instagram today. And in his last post, he was like, every morning I wake up at 3 a.m.
and I work out for two hours.

Speaker 2 3 a.m.

Speaker 2 That's nighttime. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're not waking up. Even four would be semi-acceptable.
Three is the last hour of the night.

Speaker 2 It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 No, he goes to bed at 7 p.m. and wakes up to drink fucking protein shakes.
Well, that's the fucking hour, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Wasn't there like a study that came out like a year ago that's like our ancestors used to wake up in the middle of the night and

Speaker 2 to stay awake for an hour? This is a study.

Speaker 2 What study was this?

Speaker 2 Bro, look the shit up. It was out there, man.
I'm serious. People would wake up in the middle of the night and they didn't say it, but the clear implication was that's the fucking hour.

Speaker 2 You'd wake up in the middle of the night, stay up for an hour. What do you think's going on there? It's the fuck sesh hour.
I like that.

Speaker 2 I like waking up in the middle of the night, having sex with someone who's, you know. Having sex with Eldis.
Yeah, just fuck Eldis in the air. He's fucking in Aldous's room.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's in such a deep slumber because of all the fucking ice cream he ate. His blood is running so thick and viscous, he has no idea what's going on.

Speaker 2 Speaking of viscous, no, what I was saying, when I busted home

Speaker 2 on a personal discourse. I'm busting.

Speaker 2 Always just, it looks like the little amount of wood glue you get with an IKEA bread.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah. That little like.

Speaker 2 Because you're probably doing toothpaste for a pygmy. Yes, of course.
Well, that's because you're very efficient when you're jerking off. What's your ritual? What's What's your jack-off ritual?

Speaker 2 Can I say something to you? I have not been jacking off recently. Oh, to make sex better.
To make sex better, to have more power. Braggy.
Bragger. I think I'm coming towards the end of that.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I feel like beating.
I've been jacking off a lot. Well, your girls in

Speaker 2 the corner.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I have a little nice ritual. Hit me with it.
Circle of candles.

Speaker 2 Sit in the middle of the circle, cross-legged. Put on pure moods.
Okay. The Native American.

Speaker 2 In the end, you distinguish every candle by putting it in your ass one by one.

Speaker 2 Put them all out with quite happy.

Speaker 2 Squat on top. Yeah, coming crystal.

Speaker 2 No, I place a yoni egg in my asshole.

Speaker 2 And just like your grandmother. Stretch out a little bit.
One of those. Doesn't make your pussy stronger, yoni egg? Yeah, I think so.
His grandma beats off with that.

Speaker 2 My grandma did at dinner mention that she knew what it was. I think it'd be very funny if a woman put a yoni egg in her pussy and then you fuck her, but like somehow you don't realize it's in there.

Speaker 2 And then afterwards she squeezes it out and she's like, this is yours.

Speaker 2 You have to take care of this. Like one of those Kinder chocolate eggs that has a little prize in the middle.
Oh, yeah. This is

Speaker 2 like, oh, I can't hang out tonight, guys. I got to go sit on my egg.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my this girl I've been seeing, she laid an egg and

Speaker 2 she's actually seeing some other guy now, some Puerto Rican guy. So I gotta go.

Speaker 2 I guess I gotta sit on the egg while she.

Speaker 2 Damn. Is that what happens to birds? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 The bird girls go out and get it. How happens to

Speaker 2 penguins? Whoa. Flightless birds, the men take the role of being the caretaker.
Whoa, well, the wife's out there getting fucking bad.

Speaker 2 That's why I call them dickless birds.

Speaker 2 Cucks. Yeah.
Eagles don't do that shit. Eagles soar, dude.
Yeah, fly eagles fly, dude.

Speaker 2 They're in the fucking sky. That's why, as an American,

Speaker 2 as a tier one operator, I fucking love bald eagles because they cheat on their wives

Speaker 2 and they fly. Using Viagra, they cheat on their wives.

Speaker 2 The most American shit you can do, baby.

Speaker 2 Wow, Bill Hicks himself over here, dude.

Speaker 2 Thanks, man. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm getting into political comedy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They were getting. I didn't know that bald eagles don't fuck.
Why? Because I've tried Viagra.

Speaker 2 It's the best.

Speaker 2 Tom Myers' classic I've tried Viagra bit.

Speaker 2 Why don't you just say I've smoked pot instead of I've tried pot? How do you have to say it in the worst way possible?

Speaker 2 How could you fuck up lying about

Speaker 2 having smoked pot? Fuck,

Speaker 2 I've tried pot. Calling it pot.
Pot is awesome.

Speaker 2 Pot is hilarious.

Speaker 2 I've experienced pot.

Speaker 2 How is that set 11 years old? And we're still laughing at it. Is it really 11 years old?

Speaker 2 It's 11 years old. It's 2007.
What? Obama wasn't even present. George Bush was in high school.
I was present. I was a senior in high school.
George Bush was present when that set was recorded.

Speaker 2 Adam, what year of high school were you in? That was during the primaries. I was in college.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Pretty old. Yeah.
I was already in college. I was two years older than you.

Speaker 2 I knew who Tom Myers was.

Speaker 2 I had no idea who Tom Myers was. I was intimately familiar with Tyler.
Those were the years you had ahead of me, dude. That was the jump.
Yeah, that's why I'm so much more successful now.

Speaker 2 That's right. That's why I get spots all the time.

Speaker 2 I had a fun spot on Claire's show last night. Yes.
I've done that show. Claire, what's her name? Parker? Yes.
Yeah. She was in our video.
Yeah, I forget her name because she had too many names.

Speaker 2 Did she? I think that was a nice name.

Speaker 2 She filled out a W-9 and she's got too many names. Oh, nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 W9. She has a lot of names.
The one that acted on her. She has like four middle names.
She probably only has two, but I'm not sure. Where's her shit? I remember being like, what the fuck is why?

Speaker 2 At least maybe she's like, she went to church or something. Yeah, I don't know.
Could be. Oh, she's like,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 I forget where she's from, but Claire's cool. I fuck with Claire.
Yeah, Claire's great.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Too many names, though. Too many names.
So guess what? You're canceled, bitch. Catholics have a lot of names.
Yeah. I think so.
My dad's got two middle names. He does? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like a family name and then a middle name. Francis Fuckley? I don't know.
I never really even asked him about it. That's cool.

Speaker 2 Every Greek person's middle name is their dad's name. Ooh.

Speaker 2 So my son will be named

Speaker 2 Scandinavians. Norwegians didn't have last names until like 1910.
Well, that's cool. They were just Vzven and shit.
Well, they had to make a law demanding that people have last names.

Speaker 2 Because your name would just be like Richard Ben's son.

Speaker 2 Oh, is that why? Oh, yeah, that's why all their last names are. Daniel's son? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Simonson. Daniel Simonson.
Yeah. That's another funny guy.
But that's like your Hebrew name is your name. No, it's not like

Speaker 2 son of your father. I don't think it's like that.
So it's Adam's son of, and then my name is. No, I don't think so.
That's funny.

Speaker 2 I don't think that's like what Hebrew names are. That's what it is, dude.
I have a Hebrew name and I have an English one. He has a Heblue name, too.

Speaker 2 It's just this call sign on the ham radio that he has in his little PT cruiser that he goes around leading truckers in.

Speaker 2 You had to buy a gayer car than your normal car to go suck dick in. Of course.

Speaker 2 You want to be respectable.

Speaker 2 Do you remember that episode of Cops where

Speaker 2 they pulled over the truck? It's like 9 million episodes.

Speaker 2 Wait, I was about to say.

Speaker 2 No, the answer is no.

Speaker 2 Story time's over for you. Oh, goddammit.
They pull over the truck, and the truck driver is just in full-on drag. Oh, and he's like drunk and belligerent.
It was like the truck.

Speaker 2 It was like an 18-wheeler. Sounds transphobic to me.
What are you implying? The truck swimming can't change.

Speaker 2 And then the cop is like, the cop's like, all right, I'm going to ask you to go back in your car and change, right? Which is pretty transphobic. And then he comes out and he's hammered still.

Speaker 2 And he's wearing like... Yeah, was he supposed to not be drunk anymore? No, no, I get it, I guess.
Because he was forced to degender himself.

Speaker 2 And then he goes back in the truck and he just comes out wearing like a pair of cutoff like jean shorts where literally like the bottom half of his ass is showing and just like a small tiny like uh tank top with a little belly coming out.

Speaker 2 It's so funny. He's still got the makeup on.

Speaker 2 Was it Cops is the one where there was that episode where they pull up and the guy's like s drunk passed out in the bed of a pickup truck and he like wakes up and I guess he had like shit himself.

Speaker 2 And then he just he's like they're shining the light in his face and he just smears shit all over his face.

Speaker 2 Trying to like open his eyes. I mean, I don't know.
It sounds possible though. Yeah.
That was a great show. It was great.
It was real, right? Or was it fake? Didn't something

Speaker 2 people say that it was fake or something? No. I mean, it was real.
Probably produced a little bit, but

Speaker 2 they were definitely real cops. Yeah, those were real cases.
Like, what do you think? Those people are actors?

Speaker 2 Like, methy people beating the shit out of each other?

Speaker 2 No, man. No.
Yeah, I guess that makes sense. You dumb motherfucker.
Anyway, that clip of cops is very funny. That's pretty good.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Would you have fucked him? Of course. Was he out of respect? Was he hot? No, no, no.
He looked like shit, yeah.

Speaker 2 That sucks. It's cool that he was, that, that she was

Speaker 2 a shit. That they were driving the truck.
Why was it called? 18 wheels.

Speaker 2 He was a big-ass truck. You know, in other countries, what they call that?

Speaker 2 A Pentechnicon? Do you know that? Call what? A truck, a Pentecnicon? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a cool ass name, but I don't believe you. Yeah, that's what they call like 18-wheelers.
Where? Like, England and shit. Just England? Well, that's what they called it.

Speaker 2 They told me in South Africa. South Africa.
A Pantechnicon?

Speaker 2 They're making up dumb shit to say to you, so you come back here and repeat it.

Speaker 2 I think that's

Speaker 2 probably it. A Pantechnicon? Yeah.
It's called a fucking lorry.

Speaker 2 A lorry.

Speaker 2 A Hugh Lori. A Lori is like a pickup.
He's named after the guy who's in-house. Their finest actor.
Ute is a pickup.

Speaker 2 A Ute? Yeah. With a Utah.
This is making this shit up. No.
No. Maybe it's right.

Speaker 2 Maybe I made this up.

Speaker 2 Nah, it's a named lorry after Hugh Laurie from House. Very good, dude.
I just wanted to make sure that was on the record. He was actually English.
He was British.

Speaker 2 You guys didn't know that because he was that good of an actor. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I remember when I found out, I saw a minority report, and then I found out Colin Farrell was on the Pan Technicon, a large van for transporting.

Speaker 2 A van. A van, yeah.
What the fuck is that? Which is a lorry, basically. No, a lorry is a truck.
No, a lorry is Hugh Laurie.

Speaker 2 A lorry is named

Speaker 2 as a tribute. Whatever.

Speaker 2 You don't need to look this up to be wrong about it. I wasn't wrong.
Yeah, you were. You know what? I want craft macaroni and cheese with some tuna fish and hot sauce.
Ugh, tuna fish. What the fuck?

Speaker 2 It is kind of a nice man. I've had it before.
What? Yeah, it is. You throw a little tuna fish in the field.
It's like college gross, bro. That's jail.
I am really hungry, right?

Speaker 2 You want fucking ramen? You want ramen with fucking crushed up Cheetos in it? I do want ramen. And then cigarettes

Speaker 2 that's been in someone's ass. Oh, I love cigarettes.
Yeah, that sounds like France to me.

Speaker 2 You know, in France, they call that meal-o-suck dick mecon.

Speaker 2 They call that pan breakfast.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyways, what else do we got going on, boys?

Speaker 2 We got our big

Speaker 2 State of the Union for. Oh, no, we also have a show.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. We got our big show at Caroline's coming up, guys, which is the 15th of February.
My birthday's coming up. Stav's birthday is right before it.

Speaker 2 And for the fans in attendance, you will get to see Nick and I give Stav his birthday presents. And let me tell you,

Speaker 2 we're fucking, man. We've been hyping them up.

Speaker 2 I don't know if maybe it deserves a hype. I think it probably does.
I think they're good presents. I think they're funny.

Speaker 2 I think they're both funny gifts. And it's two gifts.
We're not even splitting a gift.

Speaker 2 We're being real good. I don't think you're being good friends on it.
We are, dude. We are.
And the audience and you are going going to like it. I don't think I am.
It's going to be good for us.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm showing it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to the fucking dentist tomorrow. I'm nervous, dude.
I'm scared of the dentist. I don't fuck with the dentist.
They're going to fix your shit up, dude. I hope so.
But I have insurance.

Speaker 2 What the fuck? It's going to be expensive. Dentits.
You know what I'm saying? Dentits? Yeah. They put titties in your mouth to clean your teeth.
I love that idea. I love that.

Speaker 2 Dude, that sounds great. Dude, I remember I had a period where I was like 21, and I was like going to sleep.

Speaker 2 I would drink a bunch of chocolate milk before going to sleep and I wouldn't brush my teeth.

Speaker 2 And I was like, well, it's got milk in there.

Speaker 2 I got like six cavities. I was doing that like every night for like six months.
Does milk have a high sugar content? Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk does.

Speaker 2 Regular milk does. It does, right? It's got a shit ton of sugar in it.

Speaker 2 Lactose.

Speaker 2 It's got lactose in it, which is like only in milk. So it's a different type of sugar.
I don't really know how any of that shit works. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I just know that to be jacked, you need to drink a gallon of

Speaker 2 Mark Ripito.

Speaker 2 Have you guys ever had any horror? Yes, Coach. Yes, Coach Rip.
The guys on the starting strength forum are so funny. So the guy that's like got into exercising at 47 years old.

Speaker 2 It's been like a fucking

Speaker 2 network engineer since like 1992.

Speaker 2 Awful body. Three divorces.

Speaker 2 Last one to a woman who did not speak any English at all.

Speaker 2 And they're like, I'm an athlete now. I squat 315 pounds at a body weight of 375 pounds.

Speaker 2 I am an athlete. They're fatty shit, but they just have big traps for some reason.
My fingers have rolls.

Speaker 2 I'm an athlete. I'm a 52-year-old athlete.
And Marbat's coach Rip has taught me. You go on there and somebody asks a completely reasonable question.

Speaker 2 They'll be like, oh, can I squat like high bar instead of doing low bar? Like, you're not doing the fucking program. You can fucking shit do what you fuck want.

Speaker 2 Like, that's how it's like, he's like, You know, that uh, that focus group that said that people trust people who curse more, and then like a month later, like Tom Perez was like, He's full of shit.

Speaker 2 You know, like the Democrats were like,

Speaker 2 Everyone was cussing, you remember that? Yeah, like that's kind of how Ripito comes off with all that. Like, he's always just like, He's the guy that cusses.
Yeah, you know, there's no bullshit.

Speaker 2 He's so authentic, he can't can't help cusses

Speaker 2 when you don't squat the right way. I don't agree, dude.
It makes me like. I give people straight up the advice they need to hear.
Number one, pay me more money.

Speaker 2 That's good advice. Number two,

Speaker 2 never, ever let people know your true intentions. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Cruel intentions.

Speaker 2 The decepticality of

Speaker 2 the mindset of deceptiveity.

Speaker 2 I think you could be like that inarticulate and get a show on InfoWars. 100%.

Speaker 2 The thing is, is that a lot of these so-called liberal groups per se

Speaker 2 don't understand the

Speaker 2 intellectuality of

Speaker 2 a man of my

Speaker 2 brain stature. Dude, I was at the fucking 24-hour Best Buy the other night buying an external hard drive.
Nice. And that is

Speaker 2 the best place in New York. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, dude, for fucking people watching, you get some fucking weirdos in the middle. In the middle of the night.

Speaker 2 What time were you there? There was some kind of midnight release for like a Dragon Ball Z thing.

Speaker 2 All these people in line, people who I'm going to call dorks, even though they're like maybe one notch above myself on the dork scale. That's fine.
You call anyone beneath you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've gone to plenty of midnight releases myself. For what?

Speaker 2 Like just other games that have come out. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
Not Grand Theft Auto, maybe one of the Call of Duties.

Speaker 2 Bioshock 2, I think I was a payrolls Call for. Okay.

Speaker 2 It's not an event. You just go buy it, you pre-order it, and it's like, you know, I'm going to get it.
Yeah, you get it. Yeah, yeah.
You might as well just go pay it out.

Speaker 2 I'm gay. I'm a gay nerd like you.
It's 24 hours.

Speaker 2 The one at Union Square?

Speaker 2 Yes, 24 hours. Anyway, so I'm in line buying the external hard drive, and there's a woman next to me who

Speaker 2 she's there

Speaker 2 with her camo shorts son.

Speaker 2 Looking just like Stop.

Speaker 2 Stop didn't shave his face and tried to grow out whatever. He was not.
He was fucking.

Speaker 2 prospective. And the woman's like, yeah, my daughter has this

Speaker 2 horrible habit of breaking the space bars. So they're buying like a new keyboard at 2 o'clock in the morning or whatever.
And the fucking

Speaker 2 this like, like the Best Buy employee, who's like, he's got some kind of a Hispanic accent. He's like,

Speaker 2 he's like, well, yeah, it's actually the most use key. So it makes sense that they would break, you know, that would happen.

Speaker 2 And then this fucking doofus white guy with like forearm tattoos who also works there, he's like, Actually, I think the return key would be the most used key. Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 2 And then the other guy goes, the other guy goes, well, no, he's like, when you write a sentence, think about how many times you hit space in between every word.

Speaker 2 He's like, yeah, but to start the sentence, you gotta fucking

Speaker 2 hit enter. Awesome.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 you can't even begin the sentence unless you're neither one of them has actually

Speaker 2 been.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, obviously,

Speaker 2 obviously, the space book. Yeah, way more than the return.

Speaker 2 The return doesn't make any bad.

Speaker 2 But that's how fucked up his head is to start the sentence and get return. Which, A, you don't.
Right. That's just not true.

Speaker 2 That's not true at all. Anyways, he goes, Yeah, he's like, but, you know, and then the Hispanic guy's just trying to be nice to him.
So he's like, oh, yeah, that's interesting.

Speaker 2 I guess we will have to look it up at some point, you know. And then the fucking white trash moron looks at the family and he goes, yeah, we always get into these,

Speaker 2 you know, these little brain wars.

Speaker 2 Did you mean arguments?

Speaker 2 Did you just call arguments?

Speaker 2 Brain wars.

Speaker 2 That fucking raw war. Oh, fuck, yeah, dude.
Shout out. Union Square Best Buy.
Fuck yeah, dude. Brain warrior.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we always get into these

Speaker 2 brain wars.

Speaker 2 God damn, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 fuck.

Speaker 2 What do you got coming up, boys? I'm just having says says and says.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we got our fucking big show. Please come out to that February 15th at Carolines.
And then we're back at Come On Everybody on the 20, whatever. The 4th Monday.

Speaker 2 And then I will be at

Speaker 2 Philadelphia in March, the 17th. That's a little bit of a ways away.
But,

Speaker 2 you know, and it's my birthday, February 11th. So we're going to be getting buck wild.
I'm going to have I'm going to get Korean barbecue and get a massage

Speaker 2 and maybe take mushrooms. I might go get Korean barbecue barbecue tonight.
Damn, for real? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, after this, I might go to K-Town.

Speaker 2 Why? Do you just feel like it? Yeah, I haven't had it in a while. I've been talking about it.
I want to go into the city anyways.

Speaker 2 I figured we got enough time left for me to get at Macy's and buy another track suit and some gloves. Very nice.
You're going for another track suit. I'm going to be tracksuited out to come spring.

Speaker 2 I got a fucking problem. I love it.
Tracksuit problem? It ain't a problem, bitch. Which one do you got? It sounds like you got a solution to me.

Speaker 2 You got a track suit. Did you get the tree foil tape.
I can't stop purchasing. Oh, I have that.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, just don't buy stuff. I mean, I wish.
Find something else to do.

Speaker 2 But that's the thing, because people are like, oh, you go to therapy or whatever. That shit's like $100 a session.
Yeah, that's spending more time. For $100, I could have half of a track suit.

Speaker 2 You can't go to just one therapy session. You got to go at least two.
I think way more.

Speaker 2 By the time I've figured out whatever my problems are, I could have purchased 600, literally hundreds of tracksuit suits. Well, most people actually, you know what?

Speaker 2 You're kind of making me rethink going to therapy. Of course.
It's a fucking purchase, dude. You're buying shit.
Damn. Retail therapy works, dude.
You could have so many.

Speaker 2 Skip fucking therapy this week and just go buy a PlayStation game. Damn, that'll be fun.
There's this shit called Monster Hunter that I think people are into. I have no idea what it is.

Speaker 2 What's the other game that everyone's addicted to right now?

Speaker 2 Grand Theft Auto Stops P-Night.

Speaker 2 What kind of fucking question is that? Grand Theft Auto Stops P-Night.

Speaker 2 Fortnite? Yeah, that's the game everyone's going to hear about.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 You don't see the memes and kids talking about it? No. Punching each other and stuff? No, I'm not sure.

Speaker 2 I'm not on the internet like that, like you are, bitch.

Speaker 2 You got to talk into the microphone. Sorry.

Speaker 2 I would love to delete your memory card, Adam. My cousin deleted my memory card for Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 when it was an Activision game and they were about to drop the new Spider-Man vision game.

Speaker 2 So if you beat the whole game,

Speaker 2 they let a couple of Indian guys make it and it's not as good as it used to.

Speaker 2 Hell yes. Good ass riff.

Speaker 2 Good ass riff alert.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 You are entering the good ass riff zone.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the zone, baby. I'm gay.

Speaker 2 What is this place?

Speaker 2 Michael,

Speaker 2 why is everybody so racist in here?

Speaker 2 It's the good ass riff zone. It's a good riff zone.
Only good riffs are allowed here.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 I don't know what riffing is.

Speaker 2 I sound like this because I have autism.

Speaker 2 Ooh, ooh.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Wow, that sounds scary.
It does sound scary. Damn, I have autism.
I'm glad we have that as an option to do that. Dude, I can't wait to get a fucking, just a fucking, some different shit, dude.

Speaker 2 Voice modulators. Yeah, sound effects.
I was actually going to get... A board? There's

Speaker 2 Who is your daddy and what does he do? I don't want to sound effective. I think the E-bombs world art.

Speaker 2 Well, I can make soundbits. I'm a copy.
I'm not going to be able to easily.

Speaker 2 I have the ability to make soundboards and just plug the iPad in and fucking... We got to sell StopviBot, dude.
Yeah, I got to...

Speaker 2 Once that new computer comes, I'll fucking take a look at it and figure out why it's not running anymore and then put that on the App Store for people.

Speaker 2 I emailed a shirt guy today, so we should have t-shirts. Fuck yes.
Yeah, I'll get a quote on that. And then

Speaker 2 I got a website going.

Speaker 2 We can compare quotes. The shirts you got are nice, dude.
Yeah. Yeah.
We should talk.

Speaker 2 He's a good. Yeah.
We'll do that. Okay.
Well,

Speaker 2 we've done enough for this episode. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
With a computer, you mean? Yeah, it was definitely fucking distracting. I feel like this was hard.
Should we hire

Speaker 2 a lady with big hands? Incorrect. To be the producer? We don't need to hire anybody to do anything.
We'll probably just go back to using the Zoom

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 this doesn't really, I mean, it saves me a little bit of time, but yeah, but not even that much. Yeah, not really, but not really worth it.
But thanks for listening, everybody, and have a good night.