Ep. 70 – I Ate bad fish

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Wow, we just watched The Big Short, and let me tell you, I am ready to pretend I know everything about

finance.

Credit swaps or something.

It's a movie about my dick.

It's called Credit Wife Swap.

And it's where

Adam tries to make money by letting people fuck his ass.

Whose wife is?

Who's

the wife's guy?

You're the wife.

The guy swaps his wife for your ass.

Yeah, I trade.

Adam invented a financial thing.

What it is is people trade their wife to Adam to fuck Adam in the ass, and then Adam gets the wife.

He sells the wife.

Yeah, Adam sells

rap on it and fucks him.

And then, yes, the wife fucks him also.

And then they steal the money he got from selling her pussy.

Oh, well, it's all part of my business plan

to lose money.

Oh, yes, bitch.

Speaking of business plans, so I reached out to Casper Mattresses because I know they sponsor a lot of New York podcasts and asked them to sponsor mine in exchange for a mattress.

And they ignored my email.

So fuck that company.

That's the official stance of me.

I got a tough beetle mattress.

Fuck Casper.

Which is all right.

You know, they didn't give me a free mattress either.

What the fuck, dude?

We should get a free mattress.

There's a hundred mattress companies.

What I want now that I have.

A hundred.

I didn't know.

At least.

Oh, nice.

At least 100.

There's 100 mattresses.

You know what the fuck I'm talking about, bitch.

What are you laughing at?

There's a hundred fucking in a box.

Tom said that there was 100 mattress companies.

He just means a lot.

Have you never heard an estimation in your life before?

I think there's more.

You think there's more than 100?

Listen, I just watched the big short, so I don't joke around about numbers.

Yeah, here's a number for you.

Five and three quarters.

That's my dick.

Yeah.

That's the inches that are going to go in your ass ass soon.

Yeah.

Here's the number for you.

Three-fifths.

And that's what slaves were counted as during the three-fifths compromise.

Anyways,

so, but I'm looking at Marriott, Scott.

Oh, yeah, you want to buy nice sheets, huh?

Well, no, I mean, Marriott has the whole bed, and I figure if you're going to spend $1,400 on

one set of sheets.

No, that's just the bedding.

The bedding is $1,350, right?

If you go to shopmarriott.com, you click on the Marriott bed.

Wait, Marriott has a store?

Yeah, dude.

What else they got in there?

They got little bottom suits.

Robes, probably.

Robes.

Probably those slippers.

They got fucking jizz everywhere.

Every hotel remote is definitely covered in jizz, right?

For sure.

Here's my question.

Why can't guys wear juicy tracksuits?

You know I would be all the fuck over that.

Yeah, why not?

They don't make them my size.

I would wear juicy suits.

I guess they make Valor tracksuits.

Hold on.

Which is better, inner spring mattress or a foam mattress?

Spring.

I mean,

personal preference.

It's personal preference.

I have a foam.

Do I have a foam?

You have Tuft and Needle, right?

Either Tufton Needle or Casper.

I don't remember.

I threw one away because I thought I had bed bugs.

They're foam.

Okay.

Yeah.

Those are foam.

I mean, those are like inner.

You get those online and they're like rolled up.

I feel like you fuck better on a spring mattress.

Why?

I don't know.

I just feel like I have.

I don't know.

I feel like a spring mattress is kind of like a waste of space almost, right?

If you slice it like a piece of cake, there's a ton of air on the inside there.

Yeah, but

you get that spring, that nice bounce.

So here's the platinum stitch bed and bedding set from shopmarriott.com.

We're going to choose the mattress type.

We'll go foam.

Size.

We'll go queen.

I don't know.

You don't need a kingdom.

Adam Sexual.

You're going to be a fucking idiot.

Why, dude?

King would be nice.

You're like a king in a king.

You need a big bedroom for a king.

I mean, yeah, we don't have the space.

Why is it called a California king?

That's my because it's a different shape.

It's bigger, though, right?

No, it's a different shape.

It is, but

it's longer.

It's longer, but a regular king is four inches wider.

Oh.

California King is narrower.

California King slops four inches out of the width for length.

Interesting.

But then there's also a Texas king, which is extremely rare.

It's like three times the size of both.

Oh, that's real.

I thought you were going to say it's like it executes retards or something.

No,

that's any bed.

They get caught up in there.

They can't get out.

No, so.

Wait, how do they sleep if they get caught up in the bed?

Upside down.

Standing up.

Oh, like a vat from rabbits.

Like vampires.

Yeah,

they go out at night and they suck candy out of vending machines.

I want to suck your candy.

Your Twizzlers.

Suck your candy.

My name is Dwakua.

Retarded Elmer Fud who thinks he's Dracula.

Oh, it's me, Dwakua.

Oh, shit, dude.

This is a real good one.

I want to see how specific.

Three minutes in, dude.

I wouldn't bank on it.

So $3,400, you can get the whole thing.

Now, I feel like a dummy for wasting my money on a tough-to-needle mattress.

Yeah, dude.

When I could have been living like a business,

like a guy traveling salesman going around town.

Yeah, I'll stay at the Marriott.

I used to stay in the Akano Lodge, but I got HIV there one time.

I got it taken care of, but,

boy, I tell you, never again.

No more Akano Lodges out there.

You got it taken care of.

Don't worry about it.

I don't have it anymore.

I've decided.

You know, I mean, that's the thing about

who Ray Sharkey is.

He was an actor from the 80s, but he got HIV from Sherry Needles back when it was like gays only.

Oh, damn.

Pause, keep your mitts off.

HIV straight, guys.

Yep.

This stuff is gays only.

Ray Sharkey got it.

And then his agent was like, all right, here's what we're going to do.

We're not going to tell anybody.

Not even women that you're sleeping with.

So he was just giving people AIDS?

Yeah, he was giving all these women AIDS.

God forbid he put on a fucking condom.

Man,

I mean, I don't respect women that he killed.

Yeah, that's horrible.

He's a murderer.

He really, but the man is a murderer.

He's committed to raw dogging.

I don't respect people.

He gave one interview right before

they were asking him, they're like, so you were just giving people AIDS.

He's like, well, the disease is a funny thing.

Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.

Like, no.

It's not diarrhea.

He's just in denial until the day he died that he, you know, he's just convinced he didn't have AIDS.

He's going around at 75 pounds.

You know, Adam, you might have AIDS, dude.

Why?

I mean, you have the body.

Because I don't weigh a lot.

Have you ever had a venereal?

I don't think so.

I'm crystal clean, baby.

No, Adam got it from sharing needles.

From sharing estrogen needles with the other fellas down at the clinic.

From Sharon Needles.

He fucked Sharon Needles the drag queen.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's a RuPaul's Drag Race reference.

It's a great show.

I've seen it, I think, once or twice.

It's very good.

That was a contestant.

Lou Rawls Drag Race?

Yeah.

Lou Rawls Drag Race.

Lieutenant Rawls Drag Race.

Damn, bro.

So,

yeah, you're going to get a little bedding.

You know, I just just bought a fucking

cold brew container.

That's pretty cool.

Oh, yeah, we said we were going to review that.

I haven't bought it yet, but I just got it off Amazon, and it works great.

So, that's a tax-free.

Definitely needle sent me this free mug.

Wait, seriously?

Yeah, it was pretty cool, huh?

Yeah,

for $700.

I just put the sticker on the

why did you trick us so, Nicholas.

I'm a trickster, dude.

That's true.

You're low-key.

Yeah, we're entering

my moon phase.

I'm a trickster moon.

I love all the trickster gods and shit.

The Greek, the little, the little satyrs and shit.

Satyrs?

Yeah,

he was like a half man, half goat, and he was horny as shit, and he was a trickster.

It was just like a little goat guy.

He was fancy.

Isn't that Pan?

Maybe it was Pan.

But I think they're called Satyrs.

How about this?

Poon's Labyrinth, and it's about a vagina that twists and turns.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I've never seen Pan's Labyrinth, so I think it's something about war or something.

No,

Pacific Rim.

Oh, yeah, it is during the Pacific Rim.

And it's about eating out an asshole and a

Hawaiian girl's asshole.

That sounds pretty cool.

I would like that whether it was a movie or just an actor.

That's a buddy I got.

Guillermo del Toro, right?

Did he?

Yeah, he made Pacific Rim.

Pacific Rim goes off.

I forget that.

Yeah, that movie rules.

How about Gay Quirimo del Toro?

That's good.

Gay Quirimo del Homo.

That's very good.

Ryan Shutt, my my roommate, is roast battling Adam.

Jarimo Del Toro?

No, Adam Mama Walla, and I told him

a joke he should use is call him Adam Gay Koala.

That is a good one, dude.

Ryan's going to win that roast battle.

Yeah.

I'd call him Adam Gay Koala.

Be like, what are you sucking?

Eucalyptus flavored dicks?

You fucking gay koala.

That's a good roast.

I'm really bad at roast jokes, dude.

Huh?

You can only do self-deprecating humor.

You're bad at roasting.

I don't like, yeah, I'm not good at roasting.

I mean, I had a couple okay ones.

You're good at roasting.

I'm okay at it.

You're trying to roast on stage, and they're like, stop spat.

Ladies, I love chocolate.

I'm like, is that a roast chocolate?

I don't like roasting because I'm not a mean guy.

I'm uncute.

I'm a nice boy.

You're good at roasting, like doing crowd work roasting.

That's true.

If it's in the moment, if I'm...

You were pretty good at funny moms last week.

Yeah, that was a good one.

That's drunk woman.

If you're out there, holler at me, you're my wife.

Yeah, honestly, I thought you were going to smash.

No, but I did.

I fucked you six times.

So that's

the classic six-time fuck.

One fuck for every bullet in the gun.

The machine gun fuck, dude.

Boys, I never really gave you guys the rundown from Greece, man.

Don't you guys want to know about my matchup?

No, you've tried to do it three times, and we've gotten bored.

So I don't know if you're not going to be able to do it.

Okay, well, guess what, bitch?

I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to podcast anymore.

Well, Well, that's that.

You know, I had notes or anything.

Try and tell us a story about George.

No, it's not about George.

He never bought shoes, so, you know.

And I haven't seen you open a beer with your gifts, by the way.

Adam kept shoving that thing in his mouth.

Well, I just have an oral sensation.

Beer opener, and he's sticking the dick on it.

I don't know what you mean, little dick-shaped.

I think it was.

He said literal.

Oh, I think it was pretty average/slash small slash.

Average colors, too.

That's what a normal dick looks like.

Yeah, like a seafoam green dick.

Yeah, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Yeah.

Like Ray Sharkey's Phoenix dick.

Shouts out Ray Sharkey.

He's the real ass dude of the week.

He's the real ass dude.

Who's making those songs for Lewis?

I don't know, man.

Yeah, we need somebody to make a song for a thing, I say, in the middle of the show.

Not the key song of the show.

I feel like Lewis is really good at mobilizing people to do work for him for not a lot of money.

Like graphic design work and like production work.

Lewis pays people.

Well, yeah,

I feel like he has a debt.

He's good at Lewis is

definitely good about paying people, but he's not charitable.

There's a difference between the two.

Yeah, interesting.

I pay people and I'm charitable.

Like, I give you guys money for shit that I should.

Like what?

Advertising income.

Come on, we should get advertising income.

Well, I mean, certainly not the split that it is.

We're selling our asses, too.

I want to do a review.

I'm going to cut all the money that Adam brings in.

Well, Adam doesn't touch any of the money.

Yeah.

When he goes out on the street, the money comes to me.

Yeah.

He's got to kick up.

Yeah.

Pimping any.

Where's his taste?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

Daddy needs his taste.

Don't call me that.

Thanks for protecting me, Daddy.

Thank you, Papito.

It's dangerous to see you.

Thank you, Papito.

Did you watch the pimp show yet?

Which one?

The James Franco Pimp Show?

No.

No, I'm not watching that show.

Everyone keeps asking

reviews.

It's the Autistic Doctor Show.

Why does it look like shit?

I don't know.

It looks weird.

What do you mean, weird?

It doesn't look good.

What the fuck do you want me to say?

Are those periods like those period drama?

It's cheesy, dude.

Recent.

What are those called?

Not

period dramas, but like Mad Man or recent history period pieces.

Period piece.

Yeah, it's the period drama.

I feel like that look has

they have worn that out, and now

the trick doesn't work anymore.

I have an affinity for anything that's said in like shit New York, like 1970s, like when it looked bad.

Yeah, that's cool.

I like that.

Everybody knows that.

That always got cool.

That's not cooler.

American Hustle was the movie that sort of

sucked.

That movie sucked my cockhole.

I liked it, but I mean, I think.

How did you like that?

It sucked.

Because it's a movie about con artists, and it's a movie that does everything it can to construct.

The mafia should have killed them at the end or whatever.

I don't remember, but

I remember I had a big issue with it.

They got off scot-free, they would have gotten God.

No, what's good about American Hustle is that it's a bunch of bad performances.

Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

That's why I didn't play it.

It looks like shit, and it's a gimmick, but that's like kind of the whole point.

They're con men, and the movie itself is a con.

Yeah, listen, I don't want to.

I don't need the whole movie to be making a point, you know?

That's too much for me.

I just want to enjoy myself while it's going on.

The biggest play in the movie isn't like, you know, the heist with the chic or whatever.

It's when you get to the end of the movie and you let a bunch of critics tell you that Jennifer Lawrence is a good actor.

She did have the ultimate rube as you, the viewer, you know, and the critics that fell for it and said that movie was good.

She did.

Because it's not good.

If you're a critic and you think it's good, you're an idiot.

You're a fucking moron, for sure.

But them titties were looking juice

in that movie.

Although I got pissed off.

She had him bouncing.

I got pissed off when I read she's dancing and singing in the improv to house cleaning scene is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever seen.

Well, just being an actor is pretty embarrassing.

It's pretty embarrassing, but they're like, yeah, she totally improvved that.

I'm like, yeah,

not surprising.

It's a fucking jarring scene.

We improv this podcast.

Yeah.

So we're active.

It looked like she was acting like a fucking asshole on the set, and you just let her go.

You know?

Yeah.

She really is too famous.

I just, I don't like her because

this is a pretty misogynistic reason, but after the Fappening leak, her official statement.

What?

You're against that she didn't want people to see her fucking titties against her will?

Yeah, she's an actress.

That's rude, dude.

She sells her titties all the time.

No, but on her terms.

Whatever.

It's not the biggest deal in the world.

That's all I'm saying.

All right, leak a picture of your cock.

We're talking.

Leak a picture of your cock right now.

Twelve.

Don't do that.

That's fine.

She got treated unfairly because passengers, which I've defended on the show before,

she was bitching about not getting paid as much as men, so she got like 20 million or some fucking outrageous number for that movie.

Like 7 million more than Chris Pratt.

Oh, damn.

And then everyone was like, this is the worst movie that anyone's ever made.

Well, that's why.

No, I mean,

the guy,

we talked about it off-mic maybe, but the guy that did the Fappening got like 15 years in jail.

It's fucked up.

Insane.

That is so long to go to jail.

Yeah, and you can't jerk off in jail.

15 years.

You'll beat the shit out of it.

I mean, you shouldn't steal people's fucking titties and pussies and put them on display.

That's why you got 15 years.

It was because you got 15 years

and security protocol.

Really?

Yeah, that's why he got it.

Which is a point I already made to Adam, but now he's going to just talk over there.

State it as his own opinion.

All right, sorry.

I won't talk again.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

You can talk.

Just don't repeat something that I told you.

Well, that's obviously why he got punished.

Oh, so you invented that?

Yes, I did.

You're the first person to say that.

I am the first person to say that.

No, it's just a fact.

Is it a fact?

Some may say a tidbit.

We're entering Adam's fact corner.

Tell us more about the.

I'm not saying your garbage required.

I'm paleo again.

Sorry.

I'm being yelled at about the cat going through the garbage.

Yeah, Phyllis is eating your ham garbage.

Phyllis is a bum.

I didn't put any ham in there.

There's ham juice on there.

I ate all my fucking ham.

Is there any more ham?

I'm hungry.

No, dude.

I ate it all.

I get the organic

Applegate ham?

Applegate ham.

I dicest.

Like a big dick soldier.

I put that in my breakfast.

Mr.

Fucking organic ham.

Well, that's what they have at the store.

That's the only shit they sell at the store, actually.

Really?

Yeah, the bodegas here is this cross-section of

lowest garbage shit and like, you know,

free-range yogurt

for $9.

Dude.

And it's dusty for some reason on the packaging.

Yeah.

Yeah, what the fuck?

Yeah, this fucking seltzer I just bought is like covered in dust.

Adam loves eating dust.

Yeah.

He's a fucked up bug.

What kind of insult is that?

You're a fucked up bug,

you're a ladybug with a fucked up face up front and not enough spots.

There's way too much red.

You got one spot.

Ladybug is still red.

They call you the Indian ladybug.

You get made fun of it.

The reverse Indian.

One black spot on your red body.

Are there guy ladybugs?

Yeah.

This guy sucked, dude.

Everyone thinks you're a girl.

That's what you are.

They probably all have gender dysphoria.

That's my new Jerry Seinfeld observational bit about ladybugs.

Sorry, I tried to work that into the show this week.

Is that a real deal?

It's the deal with with trans people.

You can't cut your dick off.

That's wrong.

You sound like the guy from the SNL intro.

Pardo.

Here's me, Jeff.

Curatio Sam.

Don't cut your dick off.

That's crazy.

What's his name, Pardo?

Don Pardo.

Don Pardo, yeah.

He's

supposed to be permanent.

A dick's like that tag on a mattress.

You don't know know why you can't cut it off, but you can't.

Musical guest Huba Sting.

Nice.

Yeah, that's nice try.

That's a good.

No, I thought that I did better.

What were your favorite announcements?

I think my impression was actually better than yours.

I'm not doing it.

You do most of yours.

He's doing Sein Finns.

Oh, and it's spot on.

Don Pardo.

No, you said that.

And he has to do that.

Hold on.

This started by you making fun of him by saying it sounds more like Don Pardo.

Now you're claiming that.

I thought that he transitioned

into a Don Pardo thing.

Horatio Sams!

That doesn't sound like him at all.

I thought that sounded pretty.

Daryl Hammond is now the fucking announcer because Pardo kicked the fucking picture.

There's a guy who's got ham in his name.

That's true.

Daryl Hammond, apparently, his life is like real issues.

Mark Hamill.

Mark Hamill.

Hamilton.

Alonzo Hamburger Jones?

No.

No.

Hamburger Jones.

No, because

that's the actual word ham.

It doesn't make sense.

Come on, man.

What do you mean?

Come on, man.

You know why it doesn't work.

You understand why it doesn't work.

His name is not the criteria that we were just doing.

That's his fucking nickname.

If I was named

Nick Jones.

Okay, sorry.

I didn't know Christian.

Because you're saying fucking stage names, probably.

Hamurabi.

Some guy named Hamurabi.

They got Hamurabi's code.

That's not an actor.

Who said it had to be actors?

That's what we were doing.

Keep up, Adam, all right?

Me and Nick are doing a great bit where we're naming people who have ham in their name.

Okay?

And you're dragging us down, brother.

I think Sean ruined the show, dude.

We're not even being mean to you anymore.

Right.

We stopped that.

You knew you, and you're actively trying to derail the show by.

You called me a ladybug who eats dust.

That is a compliment.

I said, you were a ladybug.

We were just trying to name who you're doing.

That's a compliment.

Well, then, thank you.

It's not an insult to say what you are.

Yeah, that is what you are, literally.

I'm not a bug who eats stuff.

That's a ladybug.

That's a mean thing.

There's a fucking little gift.

We're just holding a mic up to its mouth, and

that's what you guys are hearing talk right now.

I'm not a bug.

I'm the tallest pumboy.

I tower over you.

Both tower.

You don't tower over shit.

That's why the anger.

Tower over the Napoleonic anger that I get from you guys.

Whatever, dude.

Down in your, down in.

I'm up here in the troposphere.

Me and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

You're short and ugly.

I'm not short and ugly.

Yeah, you are.

I'm tall and handsome.

Nope.

And I get more attractive every year.

And every year you get fatter.

You're definitely balder.

I get battery.

He actually hasn't gotten fatter and balder.

He's been the same situation last three years.

Yeah.

And he's gotten less fat.

Thank you, Nicholas.

I got fatter, but I've lost half the weight I gained.

You're ugly.

You've always been ugly.

You always will be ugly.

That's not true.

You haven't known me in my whole life.

I was way ugly.

I've seen pictures.

You were fucked up looking.

I was butt ugly.

I know.

And now I'm cute.

Now you can't name things with ham in them.

I said, Alonzo Hamburger shows up.

Oh, my God.

I don't know how many times, bro.

We're going to have to fucking crit.

This is fucked up, dude.

You're really pissing the ham off right now.

We're going to move on from this.

We were trying to have a fun game to kill time with, and you fucking ruined it.

Let's see how long we can do it.

I mean, we were kind of running dry, honestly.

I went for Hammurabi.

Yeah, I think that the getting mad at me thing stretches it out.

No, I'm tired of doing that.

Anthony Hamiltop.

Okay.

That's a guy.

Who's that?

Anthony Hamilton.

Shut up, dude.

That's not a person.

That's a black singer.

Yeah, he is.

We already said Hamilton.

So, if people keep asking me to review the show with the Autistic Doctor,

I'm not going to do it.

Which show is that?

There's a show now where it's like that Toby from the West Wing is like, yes, he may be retarded, but he's the best doctor I've ever ever seen in my life.

And it's like, you know, he's Doogie Hauser, but he's, yeah, you know, he's got

the mind of a child.

Yeah.

Doogie Hauser MR, that's what I was calling him.

MR stands for mental retardation

in the medical community.

Yeah.

Instead of Doogie Hauser MD, which is the name of the original Doogie Hauser show.

You would think there would be an easier Doogie Hauser pun.

Doogie seems like it rhymes with a lot of stuff, but it doesn't.

Doogie boogie sort of boogie.

Amtrakhauser?

No.

Amtrak?

Something train-related.

Yeah, yeah, because he's hard.

He's hard to use.

So the Autistic Doctor, he only delivers babies in elevators.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

That's a joke you could do about that show.

You want to go ahead and repeat that to your friends, maybe?

What network is it on?

Let's talk, you know.

Is it on like a major network?

Yeah, it's on like CBS or ABC.

Autism is huge right now.

Everybody wants to have a show where an autistic guy does something not autistic.

Remember when we were hanging out with those girls when we first moved here?

And that girl told us about that show she auditioned for?

Oh, yeah,

that fucking dumb bitch, dude.

And I'm not trying to be a misogynist.

No, but she's a stupid, dumb, bitch.

Fucking bitch.

I don't know.

I mean, in a non-dumbness degree.

That's her.

Yeah.

You know,

come up with one in your head.

I've got one.

That's who this one.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Actually, yeah, I'm just in town for Audash Ends.

And

this show's really cool.

It's like

it's about an autistic guy that can talk to ghosts.

I thought it was an autistic girl that could talk to ghosts and then solves crimes.

I don't know, dude.

She's like a pre-cog or something.

She solves crime.

I don't know.

It sounded like the worst thing ever.

She's like.

Yeah, I think it's a good thing.

And the power of being autistic.

Yeah.

Are they autistic ghosts?

I think it's.

It sounds like a pretty good show, actually.

I would watch this show.

Well,

what about being autistic?

I don't know.

Or is that just a coincidence?

Her autism gave her something.

What if Superman?

What if Superman was retarded?

Well, there is a retarded Superman.

His name is Bizarro.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah.

Remember Bizarro?

No.

Bizarro is really funny.

Bizarro is like...

He looks fucked up.

Yeah, he's like,

literally.

Like, literally, a mentally retarded Superman.

He wears like a pendant around his neck that says number one.

Yep.

Yeah,

the little alien guy, Mr.

McGazigaziger, Mr.

Mix of Pixelix or something.

Mr.

Supsili.

That was a good-ass show.

That was.

Superman.

Superman show.

With Dean Kane?

No, man.

That one was good too, though.

Terry Hatcher could

dab.

Yeah, the Superman show that was the same as the Batman animated series.

That was really good, man.

They got a a couple of them.

The Batman animated series used to be super dark.

He was sad all the time.

Bye Amber.

Bye, Amber.

What are you doing?

Have a good night.

Nice, dude.

Nice.

She's got a bad thing.

Hell yeah.

I love who my boys fuck.

Yeah.

I'm not really into Batman or Superman or any of that

quote-unquote gay shit, which I don't call it that.

Other people, other bad guys say that.

Me, I'm open-minded, but I've heard, heard, in passing, I've heard, well, I've riding the train around, I've heard comic books be referred to as quote-unquote gay shit, which I find.

You've heard it in like in large hallways when the echo of you screaming the words gay shit comes

doing the get kicked out of every New York library challenge, going from one library to the next, calling the anime gay,

going into the anime section.

So it's on record that I think anime is gay at every library in New York.

So no one can accuse me of secretly watching.

So if you yeah, yeah, if you a if someone finds some accidental anime on your laptop.

If somebody finds my i Netflix Instant Q, which is filled to the brim with anime.

We're talking Ghost in a Shell.

We're talking um, fuck, Naruto.

Yeah, the ghost on the show listens to Come Town.

Huh?

Scarlett Johansson, shout out.

Yeah, yeah.

Our fans, Scarlett Johansen.

We fucked her up.

We all fucked her.

I think.

I don't remember.

Don't talk about her that way, stuff.

Please, do not talk about it.

I don't remember, did we?

No, we didn't.

No.

We didn't fuck Scarlett Johansson.

Somebody got mad at me because I told you that I was talking about it.

I just want Scarlett to know that I'm standing up for her right now.

This guy that had a fucking

poster of the notebook above his bed in his dorm at GW because he had a crush on Rachel McAdams.

But it's like, that's not the fucking movie you pick, dude.

Also, don't have a poster in your room.

What do you, like, a fucking 14-year-old girl?

He wasn't a cool shit on it.

People in college have posters.

They have the Bob Marley poster.

They have the

Reservoir Dogs.

Someone who listeners to the show said that they couldn't listen to the show anymore because that was their friend.

They just happened to know the guy.

He was my friend's roommate.

And I made fun of him, and I think I mentioned his name.

Guess what?

Good fucking Riddens.

Whoever's not listening, suck these fucking low-hanging balls.

We have literally hundreds of Adam has some low-hangers.

You've seen them?

I've seen your nuts.

Oh, when I bent over.

You know what's really sad about when I lost my phone?

My phone that got stolen in Baltimore?

I had a beautiful video of my balls.

And I wanted to edit together.

Oh, you got to use iCloud, baby.

I am now.

I am now.

I can get happening.

My brand new Mac died.

Bullshit.

Ten months.

Fucking logic board failed.

Did you get a new one?

Nope.

No, I got to buy Apple Care because they just replaced the board and all this shit in there.

And I mean, I'm assuming it's gonna happen again because they make shit computers.

No, they make good ones.

You're the only person I've ever heard in my life have this problem.

My literally

2009.

I had that Toshiba.

I got it for $700 and it's lasted years.

It's slow as fuck.

It's heavy.

You can't take it anywhere.

Yeah, it's like 20 pounds.

Yeah, but I mean, that computer will never die.

Yeah, I don't know.

And I edit every show on it.

Really?

Yeah, I tried editing.

When I was editing the audio for

the soundboard?

Yeah, the soundboard, the fucking Mac died.

You know, just crashing, restarting.

That sucks.

I want to buy one.

I want to buy a Mac Jobs.

I get a Mac.

I'm a professional app developer.

Yeah.

Well, you got the regular Steve.

Imagine if Steve Jobs were still alive.

I shoot him an email.

I'd say, Steve, fellow innovator here.

Yep.

I'm designing a soundboard app where my friend says things like Billy Joel and

whatever, man.

This shit's boring.

When did I say fava beans, by the way?

No, why didn't you say it that way?

I have no idea.

So weird.

It was actually pretty cool, dude.

I pulled your audio from one episode and

brought it.

Yeah, I brought it into logic.

And then if in logic, you can strip silence and set the thresholds and

how much of it cuts.

And then

it just separates the entire your like track for the show into individual words,

yeah, or like individual statements.

So that's fun, yeah.

Then I could just go through all of them, and I don't have to listen to all the fucking silence.

And it was actually pretty easy to pull all that shit, but yeah, I don't know what the fuck you were talking about or why you kept saying father

because you said it multiple times, really?

Yeah,

hilarious.

A cupcake and a candy bar.

I'm sure there's a listener out there that's like episode 52, minute 11 in episode 4 fob itchy hits scratchy's rib cage twice producing two completely different notes

i mean

what are we supposed to believe this is some sort of magic xylophone

oh fuck man i gotta take a piss you guys handle this without me it's i don't know if we can dude it's rolling it's pretty rolling on this this is this is the regular episode the regular episode well you know what i'm telling you fucking pieces of shit about grease whether you want to hear about it or not.

Because there's topics that we have to cover.

We can get to make a listing at the end.

Hold on.

God damn it.

What do we have to cover?

Oh, Nick's precious list.

I didn't make a list this time.

Oh, I thought you were.

What the fuck?

What topics do we have to cover?

We have to cover

Cane Maria.

Earthquake.

There's another hurricane in Mexico City.

Yeah, there was an earthquake in Mexico City.

Oh, damn.

Did you see that video that people are dead?

That built.

I do not watch videos of Mexico.

You know that about it.

I hope the tacos are okay.

Well, you know that I.

Yeah, me too.

Boom.

Taco Bell.

You don't care about Taco Bell.

That's what I have to say about the earthquake.

Anyways.

Good thing we fucking checked that one off.

Hell yeah.

Remember that Chihuahua?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude.

Hell yeah.

Chihuahua can speak like a Mexican-American.

I wonder if anyone's made the observation that all these natural disasters, it's kind of like the world's ending because of Donald Trump.

Oh,

that's something.

It's like Mother Nature's pissed off or something, fucking.

Yeah, well, Mother Nature's a woman, and she doesn't like getting her pussy grabs in her hand.

Yeah,

yeah.

By those, hey, by those little hands.

And

what I like to think is happening is that

the world is imploding because people are criticizing the president.

That's right.

The only person

from Kim Jong-un.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

From a guy addicted to cheese?

Yeah.

Is he?

Yeah.

What kind of cheese?

Emental Swiss cheese.

Yeah, dude.

Is that good?

He killed himself.

He almost killed himself with cheese.

Respect.

Yeah, stop.

You should.

I think.

No, you should be standing up a little bit more for your brother.

I could hang

Jong-un.

He's a hoop head.

He loves basketball.

My man almost killed himself off cheese.

Yeah.

I mean, that's.

Yeah, yeah.

I love that.

It's like if you ran a country.

Dude, if I ran a country, I would definitely have died.

That's got to be.

You'd be wearing

some

CIA planning on how to fucking exploit that cheese thing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you got to get in with the cheese.

Yeah.

You think you got to fuck that assassin that wore the LOL shirt?

He killed his cousin or whatever.

Yeah, maybe.

That'd be cool.

Yeah, that'd be good.

Get the fuck assassins.

That video is insane.

It is really wild.

Like the spray, yeah, and the LOL t-shirt.

How do you want to get assassinated?

Like James Bonsault?

Borax and the dust it eats.

A ray can

go

a little

can that smells nice, but he gets in there and his feet are stuck to the ground and he can't move.

So, correct me if I'm wrong, you guys are saying in this bully, a giant, a giant

plastic

fucking fly swatter gets you, dude.

Fly swatter.

You have vapor and you can't move.

Yeah.

Yeah, a fucking chameleon fucking sticks his tongue out.

You guys didn't even do the one about the light.

I see a light.

Yeah, yeah, it goes.

Yeah, my god.

Shut up, dude.

Stop trying to participate.

Well, I'm just trying to help you rip.

Bugs can't talk.

Come on.

Did you know they made a movie about Adam's life?

Called the Bugs Life.

Yeah, yeah, obviously.

He's in that movie James and the Giant Peach, but it's a different version where James fucks the bug

in that peach.

Yeah, no, yeah, that was a good idea.

Yeah, I know.

Thanks, man.

Lit his ass up, dude.

You fucking bug.

You fucking bug nerd, dude.

You're a fucking bug, bitch.

The best burn of all time.

What did we call him last time?

You're a baby.

We've called him a baby.

The baby.

Yeah, that was funny.

And then what else?

There was something really stupid a couple times ago.

I don't know.

Dude, I don't care.

Fuck Adam.

He's a bug.

Yeah.

I'm a bug.

Get your fucking uh antennae off me, bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

He's sending chemicals out to the other men bugs.

He's doing dances at them.

They call them worse assholes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.

I'm just gonna like do a tweet tomorrow about like uh like Trump or something.

Yep, get a bunch of R T's.

All these kids are gonna be like, Oh,

I don't know, bugs can tweet

good.

They just do that.

Everyone do that at Adam.

I'm glad that's happening, dude.

Every time Adam tweets, please respond.

I didn't know bugs could tweet.

Oh, fuck.

I love being with the damn boys, man.

Yeah.

I made a big, fat fucking steak today, dude.

I saw that steak.

I think you're exaggerating how big that steak was.

I cut it in half.

Oh.

How much did it weigh?

I go always a pound at least.

It was a pound and a pound in like 1.2 or something like that.

That's good.

It was a $20 steak.

They're bone in, huh?

A little bit of bone.

Not a lot.

Small bone.

Ribeye?

Ribeye.

Ribeyey.

Ribeye is the only kind of steak.

They have nice marbles.

You're going to fucking season the shit.

If you're going to season it, you get whatever.

Nah, dude.

You need to be a bad body.

No, ribeye is the best.

Ribeye is the best, but I mean, you know, I don't know.

You can get away with that.

I need leaner cuts.

I can't eat a pound of steak.

I don't like fillet, though.

It doesn't fit my macro.

Fillet can suck my dick.

But fillet is supposed to be the nicest one.

No, that's bullshit.

That's a mignon.

People say fucking chicken breasts is the.

Get that dry shit out of my mouth.

You could take any chicken.

Chicken breast sucks my dick.

Thigh number one.

Well, thigh is better.

I agree.

Let me put it this way: chicken fucking sucks.

And I'm saying that as someone that eats chicken constantly.

That's not true.

Chicken thigh is good.

I went to Popeye's the other day.

Chicken is

boring.

Thank you, brother.

That's my.

Got a five-piece?

Five-thighs.

Five-piece?

Yeah, yeah, me and Mac.

Five thighs.

I love it, bro.

Pretty good.

I love that.

That makes me happy.

The drumsticks are delicious.

I mean, it's fatty.

That's what it tastes good.

The fucking thing above the drumsticks are the same meat.

It's the same dark meat.

Yeah, but I don't know.

A drumstick feels like a little too cute to me.

You know what I miss?

Have a sexual menu.

That day we had the...

No.

The day we went to Amish Market.

Oh, what a beautiful day that was.

You bring it up all the time.

It was

one of the best fucking mornings of my life, dude.

Yeah.

I went to that Outback steakhouse with my friend for his 18th birthday right before he shipped out to the Marines.

Nice.

Is he alive still?

Yeah, he got blown up in Iraq.

Damn.

And then he was in with the Reed for a while, and then he married some fat woman, and now he has a bunch of kids, and he's an airplane mechanic.

Doesn't that happen?

They assign you a fat woman in the Army?

Yeah, pretty much.

No, you get home and you marry the first girl to ever jack you off.

You know, like when you're like, we rediscovered all her love from eighth grade.

I came on her fucking jelly bracelet behind the movie theater, and now we're in love again.

She's 400 pounds now, but you know what?

I mean, I can't walk good anymore, and I lose my fucking temper real easy.

But we have a family,

we have a big family now, and everything.

I'm sure he's a good dad.

He seems like he would be.

Yeah, all those people are better people than us, for sure.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm making fun of that guy.

I wish I could have that kind of stability in in my life.

Yeah, absolutely.

Unfortunately, you have to resign to being a millionaire.

Yep.

Just the busy life.

You know, a lot of people think because I'm a tech billionaire that I just live this jet-setting lifestyle, but actually, I have very little free time.

Yeah.

You know, between the gym and buying supplements and,

you know, fucking going up home to a business.

Making a ham scramble.

Making a ham scramble.

Trying to figure out how to make my own sconce.

What's a sconce?

Sconce is like a recessed.

Look how

Adam was.

It's

like a sconce was.

And it's not a recessed light.

It's a light on the wall.

It's not like a lamp.

It's just a lamp on the wall.

It's a lamp on a wall.

It's not recessed.

Okay.

It can be recessed.

Like Adam's ass.

He's a recessed ass.

Should I have it outside ass?

No, I mean, your ass cheeks are convex.

They're concave.

Concave.

Like your chest.

How is that even...

You've seen my butt.

It's dented in.

It looks like an upside-down booster seat.

That's what your ass looks like.

Yep.

You got arrested for letting little kids sit in.

Yeah, it looks like an egg carton.

Yeah.

There's some guy at the park trying to trick kids into sitting in his ass.

His dented ass.

But your asshole is prolapsing.

His fucking ass cheeks look like a tampered-with snapple cap.

And they fucking

gets fucked and his ass cheeks suck in well pop

on yeah let me do the noise yeah yeah do the noise there we go yeah yeah that's how you sound Adam's not fresh anymore he has to get his ass he's used up yeah well

he's used up but

you can still use that boy pussy a little bit yeah I like a snapple cap there's tidbits underneath

yeah I was I was waiting for you to start to say it so I could intercept the situation

Fucking snatch that right out of your stupid bug mouth.

It's my thorax.

Snatched it right out of your web, bitch.

Yeah.

Oh, that's another way you die, wrapped up in a web from a spider.

A Korean spider.

Yeah, I got eight legs.

Yeah, you come in my house, I eat you.

How dare you come in my house?

My house made out of silk.

I ate legs.

I feed you too, baby.

I ate my own husband.

Hell yes.

Korean spider, baby.

That's our new character.

I love it.

People wanted a follow-up to retarded man that owns a Valera.

Well, we also did retarded Elberfine who thinks he's Dracula.

Yeah, that's really cool.

Yeah, we got some good, good shit, man.

I still have to piss.

Let me know when I'm allowed.

You can go piss whenever you want.

Do you want to cross swords?

No.

No, we need to.

That would be so us, though.

We need to discuss

the hottest topic this week.

What happened?

I don't know.

Some politics bullshit, probably.

Oh, Sean Spicer at the Emmys.

How about you?

Sean Spicer at the Emmys.

Fucking pieces of shit.

Fuck Sean Spicer.

It's like the whole resistance thing is retarded, and it's like.

How the fuck is Alec Baldwin going to kiss him on the cheeks?

Adam Baldwin's a conservative.

Is he?

Alec Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin?

No, yeah.

Oh, I thought you said Adam Baldwin.

Animal mother.

Huh?

Animal mother.

Is that another Baldwin that I don't know about?

Adam Baldwin from fucking Full Metal Jacket.

Oh, I don't.

I know Billy Baldwin.

No, Adam Baldwin is not one of the Baldwin brothers.

Danny Baldwin is a conservative.

Yeah, there's one that doesn't fuck with him.

Yeah,

I think Danny.

The fat old one.

I'm glad that motherfucker didn't meet the Pope's.

Stallone's brother is like that, too.

He's like radical, right-wing.

Stallone is a conservative, too.

Is he?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

He just can't talk about it.

Yeah, Frank does all the angry tweeting for Frank or Sly.

I want to re-watch Rocky, dude.

I had a hankering to watch Rocky the other day.

Hell yeah.

I'll watch Rocky.

That movie's

so much fun.

Yeah, I love this.

It's an underdog story.

He was

winning screenplay.

Everyone says he sold his dog.

Have you seen those viral videos about how Stallone?

Like, first he had to be in porn, which is hilarious.

Softcore.

Softcore.

When he was sleeping at the Port Authority bus station.

But I still think you see his cock.

Do you?

I'm pretty sure you see his cock, and it's pretty big.

But then he says he had to sell his dog to make rent at the YMCA or whatever.

Who's buying a dog?

Exactly.

But you just bought a dog, Adam.

I didn't buy a dog.

You paid five hundred dollars for no I didn't I paid zero dollars you paid zero yeah that's where your dog is your dog is worthless to you you saw you got the shittiest dog that you could get dude yeah if I buy

so people feel bad I'm gonna get a fucking

forty thousand dollar dog such a waste of money no it's a fucking purebred they like to die

I want I want purebreds are bad dogs fucked first yeah yes but they're better than your dumbass dog Why?

Because they're fucking royalists.

Because there's some, like, Joseph Mengele, like.

Yeah, because someone

beat off their dad and put the...

And then

spit the jizz in the.

With the mouth.

That's the Immaculate Conception, by the way.

That's how it happened.

My friend Tommy, growing up, used to tell me...

That's the archangel sucked off God.

Used to tell me that Alan Irveson was immaculately conceived.

Who?

My friend Tommy growing up, he'd be like, yeah, Alan Iverson's mom, someone jizzed on her pussy, and then it got in it.

That's not Immaculate Conception.

That's not at all Immaculate Conception.

That's regular conception, you fucking idiot.

It's non-penetrating.

Adam's coming from his stupid world of bug reproduction.

Yeah, someone told me Alan Iverson's mom laid an egg and no one came and spread their jizz on it.

And then Alan was born.

That's just

gay sexually.

Where he has gay sex with himself.

It comes out of his

reproduce gay sexually.

Yeah, I said it first.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I said it first.

I said it, and I said up.

You didn't get the pun.

I did the pun first.

You didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

I did it.

Stop praying.

Stop sucking up.

He's not sucking up.

Yes,

you were sucking up.

That's such a fucking

small

stupid nose.

Your long nose.

You get nutrients out of

a hole in dried mud.

What a.

You fucking millipede.

Yeah.

That's why you got a fucking army.

Adam has a thousand arms, and none of them can reach his small ass dick.

They're all just trying to reach the dick.

And it's just curling up, and then it's not working.

A thousand arms, zero push-ups.

This is like that Kafka book.

The guy who sucked at podcasting.

Oh, yeah.

Doesn't he turn into a beetle or whatever in that Kafka book?

Yeah.

He turns into a fly.

You fucking idiot.

He turns into Adam.

Oh, I didn't know he turned into Adam.

Thank you, Nick.

God damn it.

What was the big topic we had to talk about?

Did something happen?

I don't think it was.

There's a new Obamacare repeal.

That's probably it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

What did you fucking quote tweet about it?

I quote tweeted like, I can't even think 1,000 RT.

It's pretty tight.

I'm so glad I'm not on Twitter, and I can just do things like worry about buying the best mattress.

You didn't buy the best mattress.

You didn't buy it.

You made a hasty decision.

That's why I said worrying about it.

You fucking idiot.

Why don't you just listen to things and parse sentences and think critically for a while?

Stav also made that mistake.

He also denied

Steve is a dumb guy who lives in the moment and has a good

fine with that.

Carpe Diem.

Yeah.

That's my shit.

I got that tattooed on my balls.

My right ball's carpe, my left ball's DM, baby.

Yeah.

And your bitch

sucks them both, Adam.

That sounds fun.

What do you think of that?

You think it sounds fun to suck?

Yeah, it sounds like you're having a good time.

Adam lives on your balls like a mite.

Like, honey, I shrunk Adam.

Oh, no.

Do I have fucking pew?

Do I have lice?

Do I have crabs?

Is Adam and his family on my balls?

His whole family.

Rick Moreno shrunk Adam's whole family.

They're just being bullied by that Korean spider.

Yeah, fuck you.

Don't touch my house.

You touch my house?

I fear it.

I fear it.

I'll wrap you up.

Oh, fuck.

So I spent some time in Greece with my cousin Leonida.

Finally.

You brought this up already.

He

finished.

He lives with his family.

And he bartends and makes no money.

Yeah, but they went on the episode We Didn't Air, you dumb motherfucker.

Oh.

And

he fucks in a tent.

He's a grown man that fucks in a tent.

To go, like, he goes outside his parents' house.

Like, that's where he lives in the summer.

He doesn't rent a room.

He rents a tent, and he fucks tourists in the middle.

What kind of tent are we talking about?

Like a camping tent.

You can't even stand up in it?

No.

It's hilarious.

He's 32 years old.

And he fucks in a tent.

Maybe you should start a podcast.

Dude, what are you dumb tourists?

Yeah, dude.

Imagine.

Who's doing that?

American dude.

Just fucking these dumb Australian women.

Yeah.

Yeah, Australians,

they're a disgrace when they're on vacation.

I explained to him what Snapchat was.

I was like, yeah, you take a picture and then it disappears.

And he was like, he was like, you should call me Leonida Snapchat because when I fuck, I disappear.

Yeah, I fucked some girl from Denmark one time.

Oh, nice.

With the accent.

And she's like, yeah, I have not fucked other.

This is only a time fuck American.

Or whatever.

I'm like, wow.

And you're like, please don't make eye contact.

Yeah, it's like,

I'm trying to comment.

The one you picked?

I had texted a german once a german yeah from germany oh yeah let's hear about adam's story sorry i didn't realize it was adam's story time

adam what else happened yeah what happened adam i don't know if you could joke about the holocaust or nazis or whatever i thought it was kind of neat go ahead what was neat about it i don't know please explain to us what actually is neat about it about having sex which is a european style of sex.

In what sense?

And that the girl penetrates the boy.

Fuck.

God damn it.

What was the top?

I'm like losing my mind.

I've destroyed this entire episode by not being able to remember the one thing.

No, it's been fun.

That I wanted to fucking bring up, which is.

Come on.

I should have written it down.

Straight.

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, how about this?

In dog beers, I've only had one.

Dog beers, that's pretty good, too.

That's pretty good, huh?

Yeah.

I remember there was a kid with Down syndrome that went to my community college that would wear a t-shirt, like a novelty t-shirt that said graduate spelled wrong, and then he's crossed off.

I've seen that one.

And then, yeah, and then

it's like three or four times, yeah.

But somebody bought that for him, and it's like, yeah,

come on, you know?

That's like buying Adam a shirt that says female body inspector.

Yeah.

Because he's gay.

Or a bug's life shirt.

Yeah.

Official promotional merchandise from ants, the movie.

I identify with an ants guy than a bug's life guy.

Of course.

Yeah.

That was the joke.

He's bootlegged.

I was waiting for you guys to make that.

No, you were waiting to go into your cocoon

to come out as a gayer bug.

Guess what?

You think you're a butterfly?

You're a moth, bitch.

You're not even a sexy ass butterfly.

You're an ugly ass moth, dude.

People's fucking clothes.

Girls' clothes.

Yeah.

Attracted to fucking light bulbs, ass bitch.

You're not out there frolicking on nice flowers like a fucking cool ass butterfly.

You're in musty ass closets.

Yeah.

You're outside of a shack.

Hanging out around a light bulb outside of a shack.

yeah, oh, yeah, in one of those outdoor bathrooms,

he's trying to take a shit.

You're just on the wall trying to be a leaf.

Why do they smell like that?

Like, like old people, that's what mothballs are.

You mean, why do you smell like that?

Yeah, yeah, why do we smell like that?

I don't know, tell us

why can like old people not deal with that throughout your dust-based diet.

That's true, that's the reason, bitch.

God damn, I love that you're a blood job.

Oh, fuck.

Can't wait to think of other bugs you are later in the episode.

Oh, man.

This one's bad, but it's good.

Yeah, it's fine.

Who gives a fuck, dude?

I'm really happy.

I can't wait until people stop losing we can kill ourselves.

Yeah, same.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Damn, over a hundred people are dead now in Mexico.

That was one for every mattress company.

By night, nearly 140 people have been killed across the country,

including scores in the state of Morelos, close to the epicenter of the quake, and Dulcens here in the capital, Mexico City.

But the figure was expected to climb, especially because rescuers were still frantically digging.

Do you want to do the LR thing?

Frantically digging out people trapped beneath mounds of rock.

My name is Janice Bitch, Channel 7 News.

The earthquake hit shortly after 1 p.m.,

about 100 miles from Quecho City.

It registered a preliminary magnitude Cheven Pointe,

causing heavy and prolonged shaking in the Capitol.

Capital.

Capitalia.

More than 40 buildings and other structurios in Mexico City

including at least dose schools, officials said, crushing cars and trapping some people inside.

No Kiro, Taco Bell, said emergency workers and ordinary citizens race to the side.

I always wish they would do that.

The voice, the change thing, the code switch thing with like tragic stories and not like,

you know, there was a parade

stealing health care.

It was the fifth annual parade for

getting a job outside of

Pump Depot or I don't know, whatever.

Whatever.

What was the one in Maryland called?

The parade.

The CASA.

Was CASA of Maryland the CASA?

Immigrant Outreach Program.

Oh, I don't fucking know.

You know, as a white ethnic immigrant, people kind of like don't even consider us immigrants.

Yeah.

You know?

You're a blimpigrant.

Blimpigrant?

Yeah.

You floated over the border.

I would love to be a blimp, dude.

Dude, they got it.

I was reading them.

You can go wherever the fuck you want.

Once a year, I fucking

get really into the idea of bringing back Zeppelins.

Because really, it was the Hindenburg that fucked it up forever.

Right.

But they didn't go there.

They were using hydrogen, right?

No, they go like 80 miles per hour.

The plane goes way faster.

Well, the reason the Hindenburg happened is'cause the United States was the only country that had helium as a lifting gas.

Because we had a bunch of fucking helium caverns or whatever.

Nice.

So in the rest of the world, it was really expensive, or at least in the rest of the world, where they manufacture Zeppelins.

And they would use hydrogen, which was like extremely fucking dangerous.

Inflammable as all

so they could do them with helium now.

You could just make fucking helium zeppelins and they would be safe and fine.

Like the good year blimp.

Yeah, any of them.

Any rigid airship or non-rigid airship.

You know, they use safer lifting gases.

But we could be traveling.

Boys, we could have a fucking zeppelin for the show.

How much do you think that would set us back?

$1.4 million a month into it.

That's nothing.

We make that.

We make

twice that.

A full-size

Zeppelin.

Dude, we go up there and get a little Wi-Fi going, a sauna.

Ooh.

Yeah, how big is the little

place that people chill in?

You're not allowed on the blimp, so don't worry.

Well, it's fine.

I can fly anyway.

Yeah, you can.

Yes, I can.

It's going to be too high.

Not up, not past 10, 12 feet.

Fine.

Okay, whatever.

Sorry.

You want to be eaten by birds.

yeah dude we're gonna have our fucking hawk around

you wanna be you wanna fucking tangle with him yeah dude you'll end up the bird you're gonna end up in his my man's beak yeah yeah we Adam had to leave the show because he got eaten by a toucan

that confused his spotless body for a baby cherry and he got eaten by toucan Sam he thought he was fruit yep the new cherry flavored fruit loop But it's actually Adam, who's a ladybug, if you'll recall initially, is what we called him.

Talia Hernandez, 28, was on the second floor of the building, taking a tattoo class.

When the earthquake hit and tore down through the structure, she said she rolled down the stairs as they were collapsing.

She managed to escape the building, but broke her foot.

I can't believe I'm alive, she said, weeping and in shock.

Oh, did you see that fucking bus crash in Queensland?

Yeah, that was fucked up.

That's brutal, dude.

I was like, man, that is wicked.

And then I find out, guess what?

My man, the driver, he's Chinese.

Chinese.

Yep, I know.

Let's hear it for the boy.

Last dude of the week.

Go off, Scott.

Fucking driving drunk.

Oh, yeah.

60 miles per hour in a tour.

Fucked up off sake.

Yeah, right.

You know?

Driving that fucking shitty Atlantic City bus.

Yep.

Can you imagine trying to go to Atlantic City and you die?

God damn.

It's a sad way to go.

Yeah.

Well,

maybe you lucked out, you know?

Yeah.

It could have gotten much worse at Atlantic City.

Have you been to Atlantic City?

Never been to AC.

Have you?

Never.

You tried to get me to go once, like a year ago.

Sam Pitchell was like going on a whim, I think.

Or maybe it was Racine going.

Racine asked me the other day if I wanted to go.

Yeah.

I guess I'd go with Racine.

I'd go with Racine.

I mean, I grew up around that shit, so it's not that.

I mean, it's got the beach there.

I guess that's different than Vegas.

You can't, huh?

Yeah.

No, I just can't go back.

You can find nice.

God damn it.

You're such a fucking idiot, dude.

Is it okay?

Why don't you just not kick the recorder off?

It was an accident.

Did it fuck it up?

No, I don't know.

We'll see.

Maybe.

I'll fuck your ass if you fucked it up, bitch.

I think we're fine.

Yeah, the beach would be nice, dude.

You find a nice little shell to crawl into?

Under your house?

That's a hermit.

Find a new house for yourself.

Congratulations, you just evolved, bitch.

Little piece of trash pet

that gets sold down at the boardwalk.

Lobsters look like bugs, so you're also a lobster.

Yeah, yeah, they sort of look like bugs.

They got exoskeletons.

They are literally a type of bug.

Really?

Yeah.

So you are one, bitch.

You're Sebastian from the little mermaid Magayer.

Yeah.

But it that Adam's a homo.

He sucks, cosdicks.

Oh, I've HIV.

Off VHIV.

I don't tell anyone, just like my Sharky.

I have HIV.

Suck on my dick.

Ariel, bad bitch.

Jasmine, thank you.

Ariel or Jasmine?

Adam's favorite princess is.

Jasmine had a pussy.

That's true.

Adam wants to sleep with Aladdin.

I identify with myself.

No, you're going to be dominated by that Muslim, that magical Muslim.

I used to press you.

I was Jewish when I was a kid because he had the little hat.

So I thought that.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

You just have to take everything for yourself.

Well, you know, when you're a kid, you actually

can't let any culture have anything.

Whatever.

I don't remember ever identifying with anything.

No?

No.

Just

finding it.

I still don't have a sense of self.

I feel like

disembodied, sort of.

of.

Yeah, I don't.

I used to.

You're like on ketamine all the time.

Kind of, yeah.

Literally and figuratively.

I'm on ketamine.

Have you ever taken ket before?

Ketamine?

Yeah, British club people love it.

Yeah.

No, one time I was doing British Club People Also Love?

Gay sex.

That's true.

How did you know that, actually?

Because I figured that's what you were doing.

Yeah, you were spending time there.

Have you been there in British sex?

Had gay sex with British guys?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do some buggering.

You got buggered?

Have a proper bollocking.

You got bollocked.

Yeah, just.

I love a nice proper bollocking.

Just get properly bollocked.

I want to fuck a right-fit bird.

Yeah.

I want to bugger a right-fit bird.

Shat.

Snog a

snog

lass.

Is that a bad?

Snog a lass.

That works, yeah.

Snogg a fat lass is more like shut up.

Scottish.

How do you say tits in British?

Tits.

Muppers.

British women have huge tits.

Oh, I want to suck some big, meaty

tits.

How do you conclude that?

Statistically, they have the largest cup size of any nation.

Britain.

I love it.

I don't know the biggest thing.

It does?

Yep.

Look it up.

I want to suck some big business in the field.

British women have the biggest tits in the world.

How does that make any sense?

What do you mean, how does it make any sense?

Because A, companies that manufacture

bras, the largest bras bras are statistically shipped and sold mostly in

the fat as shit because we're fat, yeah.

Well, you would be wrong.

Britney's fat.

I understand you would say the wrong answer.

Okay, so

you would be wrong.

Pull it up.

Pull up my dick.

It doesn't make sense to me.

I've already pulled it up.

I know this for a fact.

Yeah, dude.

Okay, well, it doesn't make sense to me.

Because, what, you flutter around closets eating bras all day long before you know better?

Yeah.

In In your experience, when you've eaten bras in America versus England, what have been bigger,

Adam?

Adam's got to Google it now because he's so upset about possibly being wrong about something that he's never

you made a claim.

I'm just trying to see if it's true or not.

And it doesn't say.

How do you say, how do you, how do you say, so what do you, what's a nice slang for titties in British, Adam?

I want to

sucker Adams.

Adam's a tit.

A tit mouse.

I guess.

What the fuck was that damn thing I wonder about?

Yeah.

Are you doing a bit?

I don't know what's going on.

No, there was like three or four things.

That's why I didn't take notes because I was like, oh, yeah, these are big.

We got to talk about this.

I guess, I don't know.

Not North Korea.

Who gives a shit?

I don't really care about this earthquake.

I mean, yeah, it sucks that people died, but.

Yeah, that's bad.

You know, I mean, there's been so many disasters recently.

It's like,

you know, that's why you only have Christmas once a year.

Yep.

You know who doesn't get that right?

The Jews to do holidays every two weeks.

Yeah.

That's why nobody cares about any of their holidays.

You're wrong.

What do you mean?

Who's got the biggest titties?

Russia, Finland, Sweden, Norway.

Nope.

I looked it up.

It was in an article that I read: Britain ships the most.

It doesn't make sense.

It's an incredibly diverse country.

But you said it was America.

So you went, do you just look through the city?

I said that

in the word Britain is not the answer.

Yes, America, on average, has larger breasts than Great Britain.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

It's still, you said America had the most.

You did.

I said it would make the most sense that America would because there's so many fat people.

And Stop actually said that first.

You're fucking blue.

So you're fucking wrong, Nick.

I'm not wrong.

You're wrong.

You're fucking snide, fucking look down at you.

Fucking...

Can you chill for a sec, man?

You're being kind of hostile right now.

I'm being a bug right now, aren't I?

Yeah, you're being a bugger.

Yeah.

You're the only bug that buggers other bugs.

Why is ass fucking buggering?

I don't get that.

Buggery.

Why does it?

Now we're all looking at our phones.

Yeah, because you can't just handle the fact that I stated something, and so you have to go find some other study, which is wrong, by the way.

You

commissioned this study himself.

You're pathetic.

You're the one that has to spitefully get your phone out because you can't score a single point this episode with this shit little bug body.

You say, oh, oh, oh, something to contest.

It's not our fault.

We're literally a thousand times larger than you as humans versus a bug.

Yeah, right.

When earlier tonight, you thought that a movie with Paul Giamatti in it was a documentary.

He did say, what was it called?

What was that movie called?

Too big to fail.

He said, yeah, he thought it was a documentary.

Well, because it was a book.

Actors in it playing

actors.

Yeah, that's never

been.

You know how Harry Potter is a documentary.

Make it a documentary.

Jesus Christ.

Harry Potter wasn't about something that happened.

Yes, it was.

So here are the countries with the biggest boobs ranked.

Number one, U.S.

Number two, Canada.

According to who?

Titties.com.

Yeah, here's another article.

Germany.

Damn, there's two.

The only answer is?

Ladies of every country, if you're listening, ladies in every country, send me pictures of titties.

U.S.

non-Caucasian.

U.S.

Caucasian Caucasian was one.

Wow.

U.S.

non-Caucasian three.

Four Ireland.

And you know what it is?

It's milk, dude.

Because we drink so much goddamn milk, they put hormones in it and make girls have big titties in this country.

Absolutely.

That's my theory.

I think you're right.

Five, Poland, six, United Kingdom, seven, Nick.

You're fucking wrong.

All right, man, are you happy?

I'm happy.

Yeah.

Why?

You needed that?

Yeah, I needed it.

All right, well, I'll have to now, after the show, go find the article that I read that said that because you want to go find a counter study.

There's three, four or five other articles here that do not say

that Britain has the largest hits.

I don't care.

It's just the fucking tone.

What do you mean?

You're wrong.

You're being a child.

You can't admit that you're wrong.

I'm not wrong.

I'm repeating a thing that I read that said Britain has the largest tits.

We were talking about titties, dude.

And you guys had to fuck it up with facts.

You know what?

I never wanted...

titties are a thing about joy and they're a thing about just you know speaking from the cock and the heart at the same time yeah and we're over here doing math about titties we're over here measuring titties adam had to had to derail the show his phone out and he's shaking his head all i want to do is suck titties watch them bounce up and down while i have sex with them i'm trying to remember the goddamn thing though and nick is still working on that You know, so let him figure that out.

Figure out what?

The thing we got to talk about.

The show's over.

We're already talking about.

Nice.

Have Have we done an hour?

Yep.

Damn.

There's a thing I was supposed to mail off tonight that I didn't do.

What was it?

Don't worry about it.

It's work-related.

Dude, as executive vice president of this company.

It has nothing to do with the company.

It has to do with my own personal career.

Oh, nice.

Tell us.

It doesn't affect you guys.

It affects me because you're my friend.

None of the money will go to you.

It all goes to charity.

A lot of people don't know this.

Nick donates 100% of every paycheck to charity.

I do donate a lot of my money to charity.

As a tax write-off.

Yeah.

I consider not stepping on Adam to be charity.

And I spent all the money on

their little lights sort of on the floor.

Buying him little leaves for him and his family to eat.

Yeah, right.

Don't bring my family into this.

We have him living in a

tooth leader with some sticks in there.

You know how much he loves sticks.

Are you guys going to have like palm trees?

Palm leaves for Thanksgiving?

very funny is that like uh

what's the best kind of leaf

what's your favorite leaf I don't know fern we should just we should just end this now

the whole show really that'd be fun all right goodness wait we have a show don't we yes on Monday come on everybody is it this Monday coming up this upcoming Monday the whatever the fuck 20 something is yeah

The fourth Monday.

Yeah, just as a general principle, we're doing the second and fourth Monday of every movie.

It was great last week.

It was.

Thank you for everybody who came out.

We're going to find a witch to turn Adam into a man for the show.

Yeah.

And then witch.

And then after that, she's going right back to his state as a bird.

Doesn't witch mean feminist now?

Isn't that like a feminist?

There are a lot of women who say they're witches, but they just have black maid.

Yeah, that's like a Tumblr thing.

Like a goth girl.

And they all just means you like suck.

Yeah.

You have crystals and shit.

Yeah, you're like not particularly attractive.

and

rude.

Absolutely, you're rude.

But you say it's because you're a witch.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, just like the women in Salem that were persecuted.

Yeah, oh, yeah, years ago.

You channel their spirit, they live through you.

Yeah, and you're being a mean to men, that's getting back for this.

Those women would have hated you.

They were also Puritans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they were slightly cooler Puritans.

That doesn't make them cool.

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

You know what movie I tried to like but couldn't?

The Hocus Pocus?

The Witch.

Yeah, Hocus Pocus I loved.

The Witch I actually really liked.

It just didn't do it.

What's The Witch?

It was cool.

It was a horror movie from like a year ago.

No, I never saw it.

It was.

Yeah, there's a fucked-up little film.

Teresa Adam would be afraid of the movies.

He can't see movies that he's afraid of.

I'm not afraid of any movie.

Yeah, huh?

I've never been afraid.

You're afraid of.

It's a movie.

Why would you be afraid?

You're afraid of that one movie where it's like a lizard and he kind of looks like Hunter S.

Thompson,

but it's you're afraid because it's a lizard and he's gonna eat you.

What

are you talking about fear and loathing and lost?

No, but there was a there was there was like a lizard version of it.

What was that?

There's this scene where he's tripping and he sees

Rango or something like that.

Yeah, you're that's what you're afraid of.

Oh, the Johnny Depp movie because he'll eat you.

Rango.

Rango.

Yeah, I never saw that.

But you look at it.

It looks bad because you're afraid of it.

Yeah, couldn't get into the witch.

I liked it, man.

That wraps up.

Oh, they got fucking Blade Runner coming out on 4K Blu-ray.

And they have a new Blade Runner in the theater.

2069.

Blade Runner.

It's sick.

Yeah.

You think it's going to be good?

It looks like bad.

I should watch a movie or something.

I haven't considered it.

What makes something look good or look bad?

I mean, just rebooting Blade Runner or whatever looks bad to me.

Sounds bad.

Sounds bad.

You know what?

That sounds bad.

The other one looks bad.

I wanted to like the other one.

I love David Smith.

You should watch it.

I might watch it, but also

I don't know why I'm standing up.

Maggie Gillespie.

No, it's good.

Yeah, she's got very droopy 70s titties.

She's weird.

Yeah, but it's good for the character.

What do you mean she's weird?

Linda Lovelace?

No, she's not her.

She just plays like a droopy, big old pair of droopy 70s titties.

You know what I'm talking about?

I think the 70s, the titties are dream low.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And she plays like a mom.

That's like.

You know what else?

You know, you don't see a a lot in like in early Playboys, they had very conical titties.

Yep, the nipples.

They were fucking.

We've talked about this before, but Apollonia and Godfather Part 2.

Yes.

Godfather Part 1.

No, no, she had puffy nipples.

That's a different thing.

Puffy, cone kind of.

But hers weren't that big.

I'm talking big, fat missiles.

Missile titties.

Yeah, I think that's from like early boob jobs.

No, I think it's because of the bra

shapes.

Oh, that's right.

That makes sense.

Well, I just, I wish we could come up with different bra shapes to force women to wear so we could make them any shape we wanted.

Squares.

Like Play-Doh.

If I have a wife, I'm going to design custom bras in my woodworking shop that she will be forced to wear to create breasts of all shapes.

I think I like round.

I like a nice long tit.

Like a big title.

Ooh, yeah.

Should like buttons on it.

A Banana title.

I'm talking about like 35 nipples.

Oh, you want buttons?

Yeah, dude.

Will they do things?

Are they cosmetic mostly?

I mean, if I could figure out a way to wire up my wife, you know, get some fucking wires in that body of hers.

Into it through her pussy.

Have her.

We're talking about the perfect woman here.

So six tits, all remote-shaped.

They all hook up to my AV receiver.

Brain removed.

Pulled directly out of her fucking body.

What are we putting there instead?

That's right, folks.

A pussy.

Another pussy

right on top of her head.

I play with my remotes and I fuck the top of her head.

The ass.

You

replace the asshole with another pussy.

Put some nipples on those ass cheeks.

Oh, yes.

An ass titties.

She's sucking those ass titties.

Feet, cut them off.

Replace them with more titties.

She's bouncing.

Yeah.

I know what you're thinking.

But what about the companionship aspect?

If she doesn't have a brain, fuck that shit.

Now we're talking.

Who needs companionship?

I've got aggression.

You know, I'm angry about the world.

You don't need friends.

No.

You just stay angry.

You need some ass titties to fuck.

That's cool.

It is cool.

You know,

who needs the companionship of a woman when I got my trusty CB radio?

And the other guys out there on the road that really knows what it means to do your own surgery

on your spouse.

Would you fuck a real girl doll?

A real doll?

I mean, I guess, but I wouldn't.

Like, if there was one in front of me and I was horny, I guess.

I wouldn't buy one.

Like, has a flashlight.

You would, like, use it to.

Yeah, to come.

To come.

Yeah, I wouldn't take it out on a date.

What if, like, when the technology gets better and it's like fucking a person.

So still, yes.

nothing has changed.

Yeah, you don't understand how hypotheticals work.

Would you fuck a real doll?

Yeah, yeah, but what if they were better?

Yeah,

yeah, this is like one of my hypotheticals.

No, what I'm saying is, like, would you like, would you pursue that?

If no, I would not buy one.

If there was like some sort of android-type sex robot, how much, or how much they cost, and it was the best sex.

How good does it feel?

You could just go like a prostitute

50 bucks and have like the best robot sex of your life.

Yeah, probably every once in a while.

Just to get

a robot?

To get your nut.

Yeah, because my biggest problem with prostitution is I don't want to.

You feel bad that you're hurting a person's feelings.

Not that I'm hurting the person's feelings.

You're ruining her day.

Yeah, I'm kidding.

I don't know.

I'd be a bright spot, dude.

You know, I get prostitutes.

I give them back massages.

Eat their pussy.

Watch the office together.

Eat them out.

Yeah, can you eat a prostitute's pussy?

I feel like it would be strange.

I feel like you have to to pay more.

Because I do enjoy.

Maybe you feel like.

You know this for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell us from your personal experience.

I've never eaten a prostitute's pussy before.

Why are you afraid?

That's the sound.

Sounds like somebody's a scaredy cat.

God damn.

I love that we had to make you say the sentence.

I've never eaten a prostitute's pussy before.

Yeah, you put yourself in that situation by wandering into that web.

Luckily, it's a metaphorical one.

A literal web would kill you.

Yeah.

Well, I guess we should end the show.

Yeah, it's about time.

Yep.

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