Ep. 61 – Business Places

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Well boys

Another episode back in the saddle back in the trap pre-recorded episodes.

You know I was thinking about on vacation the other day how much you want to suck a man's penis.

No, it said how I'm I'm both Gaston and beast and Adam you're that faggot candle and stuff you're that gay ass clock.

No, I'm definitely Gaston.

No, I am Gaston and Beast.

I'm both way dude.

Because I was trying to figure out who is who.

You're the beast because you need a woman to save you.

No, I'm the beast and Gaston because I represent both the yin and yang of masculinity.

Yeah, you're the old dad.

No, you're the clock.

And Stav is the clock, and you're that candle.

I'm Gaston when he changed his ways.

No, no, no, no, no.

You guys are fucking way off.

You're way off.

You are absolutely that.

I'm Gaston if Gaston fucks Belle in the movie.

No, you're a gastric bypass surgeon.

All right, that's very good.

Fine.

I am the clock.

That was very good.

You got a pun out of it.

Adam, admit you're the candle.

I'm saying I'm the candle.

I'm French.

I have a more continental

Lumiere.

Yeah.

You fit into men's asses.

Lumiere fucked in that, like, you know, cuckolding people who stay at the hostel sort of way.

That is the way Adam fucks, too.

Yeah.

Just a slimy, surreptitiously, little thin-ass mustache.

That's not true.

It's through charm.

Wrong, bitch.

I'm cute.

I'm charming.

You're gay.

And ugly.

Another thing I was thinking about the other day is

someone was trying to tell me about someone

pandering to me and saying that they listen to the show, and I know they don't.

They just saw some YouTube clip.

Yeah.

And they were talking about, oh, yeah, you know, you were talking about

how R2D2 is gay.

And I'm like, I don't remember that, but sure.

of course.

I have no reason.

And then someone corrected them, and they said, No, it's how C3PO is gay.

Oh, yeah, we've talked about that a lot of times.

But I was laughing, imagining, like, what if they redid Star Wars, but C3PO is the normal or the straight one now?

And then R2-D2 is the gay one.

So they're like, We got to destroy the Death Star.

And he comes in and he's like,

Yeah, right.

Yeah, that kind of shit.

Boy, dude, you're like Michael.

What's his name?

The Police Academy guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Michael Winslow.

Winslow.

Get the fuck out of my fucking nigga.

No relation, by the way, to Michael Jackson, which a lot of people confuse.

They think they're related.

I thought a lot of people think Winslow from

Family Matters.

Family Matters.

Oh, wow.

I never considered that.

Yep.

You really didn't?

No, I'm kidding.

I saw

I was in Coronado in San Diego.

Ooh.

And I saw the USS Carl Vinson, which I kept calling a Carl Vincent.

And no one laughed at that.

Damn, that's how you know you weren't with the fucking boys.

He was the boys for that one.

Carl Winslow's that.

That's where they keep all the Navy SEALs there.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you go in and fight them and beat them up?

I mean, of course.

Well, people kept confusing me for Chris Kyle.

He has risen.

Surely he has risen.

Chris, is that you?

Are you sniping right now?

He's up in heaven.

Sniping Muslims in hell.

The furthest distance away from hell.

Chris Kyle's head.

He's shooting them all the way from

heaven down in hell where all the Muslims live.

Sending them to extra hell.

Yeah.

Setting records.

Double Muslim hell.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

SD.

Your boy was out in New Orleans.

I was out there getting, you know, living the life, dude.

The life of luxury.

I had the best fried chicken in my damn life.

At that gas station?

No, it's better than Hank's.

It's better than Hank's.

That gas station has such good food.

Oh, my God.

I got a fucking po, I got fried fish, a fucking po- and it's cheap.

It's fucking two pieces of fish for 50 cents.

Man, New Orleans is the best city in the United States.

I love it.

It really is.

We should retire there.

Yeah.

We should have a fucking.

We should do like a residency, dude.

Just a weekend.

The thing is, it's not fucking cheap.

You'd think it would be cheaper than it is.

There's parts that are cheap as shit, though.

I don't know.

I remember when I was living in Austin, I was like talking to people who live in New Orleans.

They were telling me what rents were.

And I was like, oh, Jesus, that's like.

It's like East Coast prices.

I don't know what the rents were at.

It's like comparable to Philly.

The fried chicken was cheap, baby.

Oh, Philly is pretty cheap.

Shouts out Willie Manny.

Philly's cheaper in East Coast city.

Yeah.

But I mean, Philly's still expensive.

Yeah.

Compared to Baltimore.

It's a good thing.

Yeah, but even then, I mean, like, if you want to live in Charles Village and

a nicer house or whatever, I mean, it's still going to be expensive.

Nah.

No, you can figure it out.

Well, let's put it this way.

You're not going to have an entire apartment for $600,

which is something you could do in Austin.

Oh, what, a one-bedroom?

Yeah, I had a one-bedroom.

You could?

Really?

Yeah,

George had a in Baltimore, yeah.

He has a one-bedroom for like $700 or something.

I was paying $250 for my room.

Jesus Christ.

I mean, I was paying $300 in Baltimore.

Yeah, yeah.

This shit rules, dude.

But yeah, New Orleans Orleans fucking rocks.

A whole apartment with a lease for $600 a month.

Yeah.

I mean, his is nice.

I don't know, man.

My old roommate, she had a one-bedroom in Highland Park, which is like a shithole.

Yeah.

And she was paying $750.

Dog, his is $800 in Charles Village.

Yeah, that's $800.

But I mean, his is really nice, you know?

But yeah, dude, New Orleans fucking rocks.

Well, her apartment was actually nice.

It was just like...

In a shitty spot.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of that in Baltimore.

There's a lot of beautiful ass houses.

Like, all that shit in

the park, by Druid Hill Park, those beautiful, big-ass ornate houses.

They're like the brownstones here.

It just doesn't get gentrified because none of the people are white.

Like, that's why Greenwood gets so wide.

That one street by, like, just west of Druid Hill Park.

Yeah.

That's those, like, six-story

mansion with the same, like, the Charles

colors.

Yeah.

You know?

But half of them are like fire damage.

Yeah, they're fucked up.

Yeah.

I find

one of those ones.

I think they're owned by like historical assistants.

Really?

Yeah, it was awesome.

Is that where they were dropping the bodies in season four of the wire?

No, no, no.

Further back than that.

That's West B.

That is West Baltimore.

It's the beginning of West Baltimore.

Oh, what we're talking about.

Yeah.

But yeah, those are some fucking beautiful ass houses.

Have you ever seen the movie?

It's the

Liberty Heights.

No.

No.

It's part of

the guy who did Diner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I haven't seen it.

That's the only one I haven't seen.

Yeah, it's good.

I saw it when it came out, but it's all good.

Is that the one where it's like the Jewish little kid and the black girl?

I think it's all five.

It's all shot around like Mondaman Mall and stuff.

Oh, okay.

Or at least that's where it takes place.

Yeah,

Mondaman's got a facelift.

Have you been there recently?

It's looking good, dude.

Got the damn Target.

17 shoe stores.

If you want to go shopping for shoes, go to Mondamen, baby.

It looks like a nice sanitized-ass fucking mall.

They got a marshals.

They should get a marshals back.

That's a cool thing about it.

I love malls.

About Los Angeles is that there's malls everywhere.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

That's where they invented, like, the Valley Girl accent was just dumb bitches cruising my shoes or whatever.

Seeing Armenian.

Yeah.

And then going around, like, why do I not?

I'm a fucking piece of shit.

Where's my fucking shit?

Is it fuck?

Listen to me, you fuck.

And then people are like, we should all talk this way.

Yes.

Everyone should say.

I say it.

I say, people are like.

Yeah.

You know?

I throw like everywhere.

I can't just say, and then people say.

I used to say, and then they go.

I'll say, and then they go every once in a while.

I don't want to happen to Go.

Go is great.

I think Go's still in the mix.

Yeah.

We've got to take the language back from it.

You know what?

I think that's honestly a Gavin McGinnis thing.

What?

That he doesn't say language.

He doesn't like like, really?

He's one of those words.

Ugh.

That sucks.

Yeah.

I like to get my dick sucked.

Yeah.

How about that?

That's pretty cool.

I use some.

Well, you're using it in the right way, not as a filler.

Being nerd about that shit is like you're supposed to pull your penis through the zipper hole.

That's why.

You're not supposed to unbutton your pants.

There's a hole there for a reason.

Has anyone ever done that in their

life?

Anytime I'm wearing a suit, I tried doing it.

You're fucking a little bit more.

And then I end up ripping everything, fuck all the clothes through the holes.

And it's a nightmare.

It's brutal.

You guillotine the bottom of your cock.

I end up just pulling my pants all the way down to the floor.

Yes.

Like you want to.

People are like, oh my gosh, is that man retarded?

And they're like, oh no, he's wearing a business suit.

He could be the president of the retarded people.

Is there one that they make?

Yep, there is.

Whatever you're going to say.

Yes.

That 100% exists.

The president of the historic.

Who's Johnny Knox?

Is Johnny Knox in one of those blue-brown fucking checkered suits he was wearing everywhere?

He did it to get into the Special Olympics.

Oh, yes.

He's the ringer.

A fine piece of sand.

I haven't seen that.

Have you seen

the South Park episode where Cartman pretends to be retarded?

Yes.

That's like one of the best.

Fucking rocks, and he still loses.

Yeah.

But that fucking montage they do

with the scarface theme.

Yes.

Push it to the limit.

Yeah.

He's cutting his hair all fucked up and practicing being retarded.

Do you think we could win the Special Olympics?

No.

What about powerlifting?

You know what it's fucked up?

I think that they should call the regular Olympics the Special Olympics and then the retarded one the Olympics.

The retarded one happens every year.

The regular Olympics only happens every four years.

The people in the regular Olympics are better at all.

Are very special.

It's a more special event.

Dude, the opening ceremonies at the fucking Beijing Olympics, that's special.

Yeah, dude.

You know what what I mean?

What's the opening ceremonies at the Special Olympics?

Oh, yeah.

What if China just dominates in the Special Olympics because no one can tell if they have downtime or not?

The Senate on the regular guys.

People are like, we don't know how to check.

There's no test to check.

It doesn't exist.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah, I missed you guys this week.

Well, we were just out there, dude.

You were out

of New York, kind of going crazy.

It was like the first week that I didn't have a job where I didn't have to do come town stuff, dude.

No joke, I start itching when it's like three or four days.

Yeah, I want to talk cum, dude.

Yeah, I know.

I want to hang with my boy.

I changed my look this week.

You did?

Yeah.

You look exactly the same.

I don't know.

You don't notice anything different.

Is it glasses?

No, I got the same glasses.

Did you get a tattoo or something?

I didn't get a tattoo.

You didn't change it.

I can't notice it.

Oh, oh, you're doing a bit.

You're growing out your mustache.

No.

How much growth did you say?

Really?

This?

Like three days.

But wait, you guys literally can't.

Nick, you can't see?

What are you talking about?

You don't see it?

No, just do the bit.

It's not a bit, dude.

You really did?

It's pretty dark in here.

I can't see it.

It is pretty dark.

My vision's been getting worse.

Dry your hair?

All right,

I'm going to turn the lights on and you'll see.

Okay.

No,

don't touch my light switches.

Are you joking for real?

No, if you're joking, don't get up.

Any part of the electrical...

I can't tell right now what's different about my look.

Is it the shirt?

No, it's not the shirt.

What the fuck?

Just say it.

You can't tell?

Shut up, man.

This is going to be so stupid.

Yeah, it's not stupid.

There's not going to be no pay on me.

It's not going to be on.

What is it?

Just say what it is.

Just look.

There's nothing different about you, motherfucker.

Oh my God, he fucking pierced his ear.

This motherfucker pierced his ear.

You can't see it.

Holy shit.

I miss you guys.

You fucking asshole.

He got a little round earring on his shit.

It was so hard not to tell you, but I wanted it to be a surprise.

I figured it was sad.

I said, did you get a stupid tattoo or something?

No, but I went to my tattoo.

Oh my God.

I changed my body.

I looked up as shit, dude.

No, I don't, dude.

I look like Harrison Ford.

You do.

He looks stupid as shit.

Harrison Ford.

You look like Fortune.

The Harrison Ford.

Just fucking Callista Flockhart.

The worst version of Harris.

There we go.

The worst version of Harrison Harrison Flocks.

All right, I'm going to sit back down.

But you know, you look stupid, dude.

That's a dumb little ass earring, dude.

I think it's cool.

It looks like they came at a fucking vending machine at the grocery store.

No, it came.

I had my ear pierced when I was in second grade.

I got my fucking left ear pierced.

I was so badass.

What kind of was it a little circle guy?

No, it got infected immediately because I didn't take care of it.

So the piercing card.

I've been taking care of mine.

But for

a week and a half.

But what was it?

It was like a little ruby, I think.

Hell yeah.

You got your fat ass.

Little fat ass bull cut you?

Yeah.

No, I think I had a crew cut at the time.

Oh, even better.

Sweatpants?

Bum equipment.

Yes, denim Chuck Taylors.

Yeah.

I was a cool.

Second grade.

Dude, yeah.

So that's basically me at 30.

You look fucking stupid.

I don't look stupid, dude.

You know what I was thinking about doing for real?

Is getting a gold tooth?

Yeah.

My front cap?

My front gold tooth.

Because it's fucked up.

I got that $80 root canal.

Just some random dentist who filled it up.

And

it looks horrible.

So I'm thinking, why not get fronts on my front right tooth you know get a gold tooth start wearing chains I've been thinking about getting chains for a couple a couple

of I'm gonna use a razor blade to cut scars into my eyebrows there we go but I'm gonna pay pay someone thousands of dollars to do it rather than just do it myself do people do that yeah yeah like D'Angelo Russell that's like a cool oh the little thing the little slashes yeah Nick Van Exel

I mean Jordan had a hoop earring yeah yeah till Michael Jordan keep his hoop earring in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should get the long, dangly one like Sinbad.

Oh, yeah.

When I get to change it out, I'm going to go all different types of styles.

They went ring first instead of stud?

No, he asked for a ring for the ring.

Of course he did.

Yeah.

I thought you had to get like a stud until the show.

Yeah, well, that's what the Japanese man at the first place I went to said.

And then I went to another place and they're like, we don't give a fuck.

So you're going to fuck your ear up?

Maybe.

Why did you get your ear pierced?

Good for a girl for sure.

Because I was going crazy.

100%.

Here's what happened.

He was was at the beach with a fucking girl, and she was like, You should pierce your ear.

And he was like, I'll do it.

And they giggled, and then they fucking kissed.

I did it before we kissed at the beach.

But you did it because of a girl.

Yeah, you look like a fucking idiot.

I'm getting that tattooed.

I didn't make it that you did.

Of Mickey Mouse with the sunglasses throwing the dice.

100%, yes.

I want to make that happen.

It was an impulsive decision with a girl.

Not with a girl.

You're lying to me.

I was not actually there.

Once I can put those 35s back on the preacher curl bar and I get my gun smoked.

Oh, yes, my bitch.

Are you going to get a tattoo?

That's what I'm getting at.

Mickey Mouse throwing the dice.

I got to inflate my biz though.

They're too narrow right now.

Oh, you're looking good, bro.

Dude, I'm fucking flexing.

Your arms look when you flex, though.

Yeah, that's pretty big arms.

That's a big arm boy right there, bro.

Nice arms.

Nice arm, Skip.

Do you see Skip's arms?

Yeah, I see Mudflap's arms.

Dick Mouth, what are you?

Sweet.

Sweetcock.

Little ass.

Wide ass.

Wide hole.

That's what you were.

Wide hole?

All right, I'll take it.

As long as I can.

I'm Candy Lips.

Candy Lips.

That was you.

Adam, you should get your asshole pierced.

Yeah.

How do you do that?

To impress a man.

Oh, perfect.

But then you can't have sex.

No,

he has to sneak it through the middle.

Yeah.

Well, you can have sex, but then you become permanently attached.

That's kind of romantic.

I saw Muslims do it.

Really?

I don't know.

Sure.

Why not?

You know what I saw in New Orleans?

I saw one night to kind of wind down was Spawn.

That movie sucks so hard, dude.

Oh, yeah, the movie?

The movie Spawn is so funny.

I was laughing about that.

Have you seen that?

Yeah, the clown guys.

Dude, it's John Leguizamo just so in a fat suit looking at it.

But you know what?

That's a good performance by John Leguizamo.

The rest of the movie around John Leguizamo fucking sucks.

But John Leguizamo is the violator.

That's like a good role.

And I suppose

in third grade, it's such a shitty movie.

I love John Leguizamo.

The pest was my favorite dude today.

He was great in John Wick.

I I thought to myself, you know, who doesn't get enough credit?

John Leguizamo.

Luigi from the Super Mario fans.

Dude, the ghetto clown is a shit.

Did you guys like the pest in like second grade?

I used to think that movie was hilarious.

I only saw that.

I hit puberty in first grade.

The other kids call me Firehose.

Yo, that scene where he's taking a shower and farting used to be like my favorite thing these years.

I never saw it.

Oh, God.

I loved it.

Dude, how bad was the fucking CGI in that movie?

It was impossible, dude.

Yeah, really.

The HBO spawn series,

which is just like the comics, like Todd McFarlane had more involvement in it, I guess.

The episodes start off with an introduction by Todd McFarlane, who is just some nerd that draws comics.

Oh, wow.

But he's got this, like,

he kind of, you know, he's got like slick back hair.

He kind of looks like that.

Is it Dean Winters?

Is that the guy?

The Ryan from

Oz.

The brothers in Oz.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

That guy.

I don't know what his name is.

I can't remember.

But he kind of looks like him.

But they start off, and

it

zooms in on him while he's sitting at his fucking

twisted

drawing factory.

And he turns around, and he's like,

you die, and you're about to go to hell.

Newsflash, somebody offers you another chance at life.

Do you take it?

No time to answer.

You got to make a decision one way or the other.

That's what happened to a guy named named Spawn.

I'm Todd McFarlane.

Listen, I'm the creator of Spawn.

They just

didn't have a better take than that.

That's incredible.

And it's fucking hilarious.

That's the one they use.

Do they do it every time?

I remember watching the series and not seeing that intro.

I think maybe the rip I had, just they cut that out.

Right, right.

Because it's like such a low point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's very funny.

Is the series good?

I don't really give a shit.

I read Spawn as a kid.

That was the only comic I ever read.

It was too scary for me.

There was a TV show on Fox, too, right?

I don't know, maybe.

It was spooky.

You're thinking of the tick.

No.

There might have been a kid's version of Spawn.

I don't think it was a kid's version.

No, I think it was like a X

in the lineup with the X-Files.

Was there?

Maybe I'm wrong.

Well, the HBO version was the one

that.

Anyhow, fuck it.

It doesn't matter.

That was the only comic I read.

So I tried rereading it again as an adult a couple years ago.

I like just downloaded it, and it's really stupid.

Yeah, it's like

the plot of the movie made no fucking sense.

Satan needed a soldier for his army or something.

Yeah,

Satan is like

he's got an army.

He's going to wage war against God or whatever.

It wasn't the clown just.

So,

well, the clown is a demon.

So, the clown is like a general or whatever

in

Satan's army.

But I guess they need souls for whatever reason, and the demon's not a soul.

It doesn't make any sense.

So, Satan gives Al Simmons the power to come back to Earth as long as he agrees to be a part of his army or whatever.

But anytime he uses his powers, he loses some of them, and he gets closer to being sent back to hell.

Oh, that's like his life sucks.

Does he get the fuck?

Oh, he got cucked.

What?

He gets back to Earth.

In the comic books, the first thing that happens is he gets back to Earth and he sees that his wife is fucking his best friend.

Oh, yeah.

That's what happened in the fucking movie.

That's what happens whenever you die.

Yeah, and they have a kid, and like

she couldn't get pregnant while he was alive, and he finds out, like, as a dead person that his sperm was fucked up.

Oh.

And so this other guy nutted in his wife

and created

a mixed race baby.

No.

Yeah.

Mixed race?

That's part of going to the business.

Yeah, that's why he went to hell because his death allowed for the creation of a mixed race.

Spawn's part of that, like, you know, performative, like, identity bullshit in the 90s where it's like, yeah, he's a hero and he's black.

Got a problem with it?

And it's like, no, not really.

Not at all.

Well,

you better not.

Yeah, actually.

No, I have no problem at all.

I think it's kind of crazy.

Nobody cares, Todd.

Was he a black guy, guy, Todd McFarlane?

No, he's a white guy.

Michael Jai White played him, though.

And that guy fucking rules.

I'm so sad for him because it feels like that movie was such a piece of shit, it fucked his career up.

Yeah, probably.

Because he's so good.

He is great.

He's so fucking good at karate and shit.

Black Dynamite was so fucked up.

You ever see that video of him teaching Kimbo a slice out of punch?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, that fucking rules.

And that's how Karate teaches Kimbo.

He tested Michael Jai White and he fucked him up.

What was he in?

Michael Jai White?

He had a little run there.

No, his middle name is short for vagina.

A lot of people don't know that.

Jai

White.

Michael Vagina White.

Dude, I'm going to tell him you said that, and he's going to fuck you up.

No, he's not.

First of all, everyone knows that I.

I'll compliment other martial artists, but

I mean, I'm being magnanimous.

We all know I'm the fucking best at karate.

Dude, I don't know, man.

Were you ever in karate classes?

Jacked Fro Karate guy?

I went to Kung Fu one time.

Maybe once or twice.

Yeah.

That's it.

Kung Fu.

Yeah, I went to Taekwondo.

I got my little two yellow stripes on the white belt, and I was like, fuck this shit.

No, that means nothing.

Huh?

That's not even a yellow belt.

I know.

You just pissed your pants a little bit.

No, I did a fucking cool chop.

I did a cool chop.

A beginner's level chop, and I got a little yellow stripe.

I was white belt, and then I killed Sensei Daryl, so they had to.

You got the black belt?

No, they just had to kick me out.

There was no more Sensei, so they couldn't do, they couldn't have a school anymore.

Yeah,

I cracked the fucking board so hard.

No, that was a chair, dude.

Yeah, dude.

It doesn't matter how it breaks.

It doesn't matter how it breaks, dude.

You just have to break wood to get your yellow belt, and that's why I got kicked out.

I was like, technically, I did it.

I'm breaking all the chairs.

Don't sit on those bricks.

We need them for the ceremony.

yeah dude that's a taekwondo maneuver honestly i'm starting my own shit dude that is sumo that's you could be a sumo guy that was all that was so you know it's funny there was this like check guy like i don't know eight years ago or whatever who uh like got into sumo but he was like in shape and he just went over and like dominated because he beat all the fat yeah he was just good at like you know throwing them yeah yeah and uh yeah we just beat all those fat guys and he like didn't look bad in the diaper or whatever what's his name i'm gonna avenge my my fat brothers.

I don't know.

Fucking bullshit check name.

There's a Hawaiian guy that was like beasting, but he was super fat.

But that's all of Sumo is all like Samoans.

Samoans and fat Japanese.

Yeah.

That was the hack thing as a child was everyone's like, yeah, what do you fucking sumo?

What do you do?

Sumo?

Yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone called Yokozuna.

And then everyone, when you said you played soccer, they were like, oh, but you're the one who was

kidding.

Remember the wrestling guy, Yokozuna?

Yeah, of course.

So I thought live.

I thought that Yokozuna.

Yokozuna was a guy.

And I thought the wrestling guy was Yokozuna.

I know exactly what he was doing.

He was also in Sumo.

I thought that as well.

Separate from

children.

Every guy was like, dude, this guy beats everyone in Japan.

And then he comes and fucking body slams.

Remember that famous clip of he's fighting Brett Hart, Brett the Hitman Hart, and the whole audience, he's a Hawaiian guy, Yokozuna, and the whole audience, he was the bad guy in the storyline.

So

they start chanting USA, USA, but Brett Hart was Canadian.

That's hilarious.

And the Japanese guy is actually.

But the Japanese guy is actually American.

Yeah, he's like in that family with The Rock.

I kind of, I just, I want.

That new guy everyone hates.

I want there to be a clip as

the one of John Cena announcing the death of Osama bin Laden.

That's the best thing.

That is the best.

That is the best.

He just, he has no shirt on.

Jean shorts.

I am pleased to announce that we have compromised to a permanent end.

The terrorist.

Osama bin Laden.

God, I've never seen that, dude.

Oh, it's incredible.

No, it's the funniest shit.

Oh, my God.

He's like, when I step into this ring, I present hard work and determination with some bullshit.

And that is a credo I've adopted from the men and women women of the services of armed combat uniform services.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, but it's just we've compromised to a permanent end.

Because technically, he's like the most American because he played a Marine in a movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was that movie called?

The Marine.

The Marine, yeah, yeah.

I saw that in theaters.

You did?

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw it in theaters too.

We talked about this earlier.

When did you see Yokozuna?

I saw Yokozuna in Vegas when I was a little kid.

My friend Max's uncle took us to a pay-per-view event called Tour de America.

And the whole time?

Yeah, yeah.

We were in like third grade, and it was like, I think at the MGM Grant.

I don't remember.

But the whole time, Max told me that he taped Real Sex, HBO Real Sex, and we were going to have a sleepover and watch it when we got back to his house.

And so we were just like waiting for that.

So you didn't give a fuck at all?

We were like waiting for.

No, no, it was tight, dude.

I saw Brett Hart.

I saw Yokozuna.

There were like a bunch of them.

I went to an auto show when I was five, and I met two of the American Gladiators.

That's pretty tight.

And

I got signed pictures of them.

I was never allowed to watch American Gladiators.

Yeah, I didn't watch it either.

But I was like, I met the American Gladiators.

I was showing them off.

I think I already talked about it.

I saw the Hardy Boys and Trish.

Not Trish Stratus, Terry Reynolds.

One of them.

At a fucking...

Mall.

At a mall, East Point Mall.

I think I already talked about it though.

But you talk about Real Sex.

I got caught beating off in college to real sex.

In class?

Yeah, I had it on the projector.

You were just so fat that you could beat off with it.

I wasn't knowing where your arms were.

I really was fat, dude.

Several of us in your thumbs.

No.

I saw a video, dude, of myself.

I'm going to fucking find it and post that shit.

I truly was fat as hell in college, dude.

It was college?

Yeah, and like when me and Nick first met, like, you, you also knew me.

I remember, yeah, yeah.

In my head, I just didn't even think.

I mean, I got fat as hell, dude.

I was round as fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was like you probably could have rolled me like any direction.

No, you didn't have knees.

Yeah, it was tough.

It was hilarious.

It was a tough look.

I cannot believe my fucking college girlfriend stayed with me that long, dude.

I was fat as hell.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was cute.

What a dumb bitch.

She's a really nice person.

No, I mean, for staying with you.

I know.

I'm sure she's a nice person, but in regards to.

What a freaking idiot.

What a fuck I'm just relaxed.

I had other stuff.

What a whole.

What a stupid idiot I am.

Can you imagine?

She's fucked.

You have to be.

Wait, no.

She's not promiscuous at all.

That's what you're saying, right?

Is that she's a whore.

I didn't say the whore word at all.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was saying she's a very bad person.

I misinterpreted.

I was just trying to be boys.

Yeah.

Does she have rose before that dumb bitch?

No, no, no.

I have no ill will towards her whatsoever.

What was her last name in the game?

I'm not saying it at all.

What a cunt.

I'll just say her last name.

That's why people can't find her.

It was Kuntalini.

She was Italian.

Does she have a new boyfriend now?

Is he in shape or is he a big boy?

No, he's actually a big boy.

Oh, so she's a fetishist?

I don't think so.

I think she's a fan.

I think she reluctantly fucks fat man.

She's a chub chaser.

Maybe she is.

But hey, man, even at my fattest, I was getting it in.

I was fucking getting her in.

That's at New Orleans, yeah, dude.

I got that crawl.

I got those crawdads up in my sister storm.

I'm going to eat your pussy.

I'm going to put some crawdads up in there.

I'm going to put little-ass lobsters in your pussy, girl.

How about I close my eyes?

I just talk to the pussy.

Ooh, wait.

Yeah, man.

Fuck.

First of all, though, fuck crawfish.

Crawfish can suck my throat.

You know what I can hardly?

I was telling somebody that.

They're literally shit.

The problem is that they're so red, they look like they're going to be better than they are.

Yeah, they look delicious.

And then they're just kind of whatever.

Well, there's so little.

You crack that shit open.

There's barely any fuck.

It's the Adam's dick of meat.

There's very little.

Adam's dick is made out of vegetables.

Very little and tastes bad.

It's tofu ass dick.

My man got a little tofu dick.

Honestly, I had a vegan sausage like a week ago, and it was really good, and I'm mad that it was good.

Yeah, I had one.

It was really good.

It's better than vegetarian shit.

Yeah, it is.

I don't know what the fuck they do, man.

It was made of like potatoes and shit.

It was tasty.

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck crawdads.

I'm trying to go get crabs, boys.

We got to throw that on the floor.

Did you get any po-boy action going on?

Yeah, I did.

I had a fucking fat-ass shrimp.

I fucking love po-boy.

Shrimp and catfish, po-boy.

Oh, you didn't get an oyster on there?

Nah.

I like it with the oyster.

I love a fried oyster, but a po-boy is better with shrimp and catfish, in my opinion.

Yeah, catfish sucks always.

Catfish is never good, but it's

unbelievable.

That's so false.

It's a shit eater.

It's literally the worst fucking fish.

I agree.

You put in a nice little fucking batter.

It's

like you just fry a better fish.

No one does.

That's not an option.

You know what fish fried catfish are?

I was about to say, tilapia sucks, too.

Tilapia is worse than catfish.

Tilapia is like the.

Tilapia sucks.

Tilapia sucks, but it's better than catfish.

Tilapia is like the, I just graduated college and I'm going to start eating fish and stuff.

Yeah, it's like that.

What does that even mean?

Yeah, it's like the, I'm an adult now.

I'm going to eat fish.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's a piece of shit.

You try and eat healthy.

No, you know what?

This is something you did.

No.

You got into tilapia last year.

No, I reluctantly have to agree with Adam here.

I know what he's talking about.

I'm a salmon, man.

All my dumbass friends from college, when they fucking

step it up.

Buy like the second best version of your key first.

Fish is ranked.

Yeah, okay.

All right, so.

When you still have a futon as a couch.

Yeah.

You know?

Salmon, number one.

Salmon's up top.

Better than everything.

No, sea bass, number one.

Me.

Trout after.

Chilean sea bass, number one.

No.

Flat cod?

Incredible.

No, those are fancy fishes.

I'm talking about shit.

The workman's fish.

You just get it at the grocery store.

Well, I go for salmon myself.

Salmon, of course.

Salmon, trout.

Broil that bitch.

Trout.

That's great.

And trout's good.

And then probably mahi-mahi, then tilapia, then catfish.

What about flounder?

Flounder's in between

the last three I mentioned.

I would agree with that.

I had a real big flounder phase as a child.

I was eating, like, I demanded a fried flounder

for every day.

I needed it for, like, four months of my life.

Why?

I don't know, man.

Mom, I demand flounder.

I must have flounder.

I must have a flounder fillet.

It was fried.

But you know what what got me off it?

When my mom tricked me by.

You got being hospitalized?

Childhood diabetes.

Inpatient reaction.

Hypertension at seven years old.

Dialysis?

Is that what got you off?

No, my mom told me the fucking little fish from Little Mermaid was a flounder.

And I fucked with that boy.

That was my guy.

Wait, what do you mean your mom told you his name was Flounder?

His name was Flounder.

I don't know.

She made it clear to me.

You just did.

I missed it.

What do you want from me?

I'm telling you.

She was tired of me eating Flounder, so she really made me feel bad about eating my friend Flounder, who I loved.

I don't really fuck with Sunfish.

Because he was the chubby.

Do you fuck with swordfish?

Swordfish is alright.

I don't really fuck with it.

Tuna steak should be okay, too.

Yeah.

Well,

tuna actually is up there with Salmon.

Tuna steak is

real good.

Tuna steak is amazing.

It's under salmon, though.

The shit you eat in the grocery store is tuna.

The problem with

tuna.

Is it?

Yeah, I believe it's.

No, it's white.

No, no.

Tuna is like a pink fish.

Oh, fuck.

You guys ever give me white tuna?

You motherfuckers ever fuck with orange ruffy?

What's the white tuna?

Is that albacore?

Albacor.

Albacore.

Yeah.

You guys have tuna.

Mahimahi nan tuna?

No, it's not.

Have you ever had an orange ruffy?

Yeah, shit is delicious.

Shit is good as hell, dude.

You know what's good?

But it's very.

Apparently, we're overfishing them.

They look ugly as shit, and it takes them like 30 years to fuck.

I can't wait till fishing.

I eat Japanese people.

There's no.

Until Japanese people eat all the fish and we just get to.

Or you know what?

Koreans first.

That's the solution.

Japanese, dude,

how badass would it be?

It would not be.

How badass would it be if Kim Jong-un starts

testing more nukes and instead of nuking him like he expects, we just start fucking eating Korean people?

That would be okay.

I see what you're saying.

That's badass.

That's it.

What if Korean people were the most delicious people?

A new type of warlord.

I'm intensely against that idea.

I'm intensely against eating humans and cannibalism in general.

I'm not.

I guess that's just the African warlord in me.

Listen, you just absorb

power.

You have to understand that this is because of my upbringing in the jungle,

where the food was scarce, but the enemies were not.

That's what everyone remembers about Edmin: he was eating people.

Well, a lot of them eat people.

Yeah.

You think human tastes good?

No, yeah.

Probably tastes fucked up.

Maybe a tough.

Maybe you eat my tea.

Didn't Mugabe eat people?

So did Kofi Anand.

Good luck, Jonathan.

Yeah.

Kofi Anand did.

Yeah, the guy that's playing the blackbell.

How about an African

African journalist named Good Night and Good Luck, Jonathan?

Very good.

Convict

music.

You know,

fat Nigerian president named Good Humor Jonathan.

Stop, you can play him.

We're going to put you in Black Belly.

Is Black Belly racist?

Of course.

No, it's not.

I've only heard face.

Yeah, the face is the only racist when it is.

Well, I was always, you know, anytime you watch a bodybuilding competition.

Yeah, that's Black Body.

Literally just.

It's almost like they're like,

I'm not punching you.

I'm not touching you with Blackbeard.

Quit hitting yourself.

I'm not touching you.

That's fucking hilarious.

Getting as close as I can get to doing blackface without actually doing it.

Yeah.

Why do they do this for definition?

To fucking.

Yeah, I guess.

It makes your, you know, the shadows are oil you up nicely.

Shit, yeah.

Your father has to oil you up before Lou Faragno.

Oh, Lou.

Lou.

Louie, you look beautiful.

You're the best there ever was, Louie.

You look like some Michelangelo would have scored.

Michelangelo.

Louie, you're the best there was, kid.

Let's become bodybuilders.

How about

you could be Lou Faragno?

Lou Faragno.

Are you trying to say fag?

Something like that.

Adams Jufarigno.

Jew for Rigno.

Very good.

I'm cool for Rigno.

Nope.

I'm cool for rich

no

need for my friends anymore.

I'm goof.

So are we getting together, the three of us, and ordering the Mayweather.

I'm going to be in fucking Greece.

McGregor.

You know how mad I am about that?

That's awesome.

We have to cheer on McGregor for defending.

He's going to beat him immediately.

Not immediately.

It's going to be a boring fight, probably.

He's a great technical fight.

He's like a tap, tap, tap, tap guy.

He like follows up.

He might fuck him up immediately.

Well, it's a boxing match.

I don't know.

It would be like if

Dale Earnhardt was like,

I'm a better driver.

Formula One guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Michael Schumacher.

Well, not even a Formula One guy.

I was going to say, just put him in the ring with Floyd Mayweather.

Oh, yeah.

If I could beat the wall, I could beat money.

I told you guys you didn't beat the wall.

I told you guys I was at Red Box at McDonald's and I met Floyd Mayweather.

No.

In Vegas.

Yeah, yeah.

Shut up.

Yeah, yeah.

He was at a Red Box.

He was going into McDonald's, but there was a Red Box in the McDonald's by my parents' house.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

And there was like a yellow Lamborghini that pulls up, and then these two

pretty fat-butted

Puerto Rican or Dominican girls

hop out.

And then this this just five foot five man and it was right after the Ricky Hatton fight oh he fucked Hatton and he fucked Hatton up and I guess I was like yeah it was after like sophomore year of college I was home for like spring breaker and winter break and then I said what that was a big fight yeah he's a great person that's the thing about that's

he's a humanitarian he's a really good guy good husband good father yeah great father yeah it sucks because it's like he's such a fucking piece of shit he's like he should be in jail Connor is like he seems like a a piece of shit, but he just seems like a troll.

I don't know.

It's a good thing.

Connor is cool.

Dude, Connor.

I fuck with Connor.

Connor was like a plumber three years ago.

No, no, no.

Listen, I fuck with Connor, but like.

What does that have to do with anything?

Every plumber I've ever met is a piece of shit.

No, he likes a rags to riches story.

It's like him rags to riches.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's cool.

He found success in this news.

And he beats everyone and that's fucking foying.

But he did tell him to dance and called him a boy.

Yeah, and then he said that's it.

But then he's like, actually, the race stuff didn't really hit.

That's the thing.

He's like a comic more than anything.

That's when it's all been Rosebattling.

Yeah, yeah.

He's so good at roasting it.

The funniest was when

he was like, why are you wearing a backpack and a hat?

You're wearing a school bag and a hat.

You look like a 15-year-old brick dancer.

He's like,

why are you wearing a school bag?

You can't even read.

Yeah, he gets so good.

This should just let Joe Robinson make fun of both of them.

But then,

did you hear what Floyd was?

Floyd would be better at Floyd got really pissed off and then was just like, like, you're a Feg.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Actually, the whole tour with the roast battle around the world has actually turned me off of the whole thing.

No, it hasn't.

Listen to the fucking energy and verve you're speaking about in this game.

It's gross, dude.

You brought it up.

And you're talking about it with a big-ass smile on your face.

Right.

You don't want to enjoy it.

You don't want to admit that you like it.

Right, because there's got to be more cool.

I don't think it's a good bit to say the F word.

Of course, I think that's that's a bad bit.

But Connor's funny, except for the racist shit.

They should get Louis Jay or Lisa Lampinelli to write for them.

Connor's a better roast battler than most Rosebattlers.

He's not bad.

He's so much better.

Natural talent.

Yeah, if you just look at him at every press conference he's ever done, he's always funnier than everyone else.

And he's beaten everyone, and he's only had a tough fight with the Diaz.

Well, you saw that video that he released of him in training, and he looks like shit.

Yeah, he's going to lose slow.

He's just cashing in.

Yeah.

I would get my shit split for 100 mil.

Who cares?

Is that how much he's making?

He's making a ton.

I don't know what it is.

I think Floyd's probably making more.

Of course.

I mean, the best.

I mean, just revisiting it, the best is

when 50 Adam was going to be.

He's going to suck a guy's dick for $100 million.

$100%.

$100 million?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're just going to have to give him a little time to come up with the money.

Nice.

You misinterpreted the question.

I was saying, would you pay $100 million to suck a guy's dick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I said.

You stole Stop Smith.

That's a steal.

That joke.

That's not a steal.

You stole it.

That's a thief.

I'm sticking it for you.

We kind of were on the same page.

I was clarifying.

No, no.

I would not pay $100 million.

Well, you already said yes.

Yep, we're on record.

I would pay $100 million.

You got me.

What is it you're saying?

Do you know what I was thinking about the other day, boys?

You remember when FedEx was Federal Express?

Yeah, I don't.

Oh, okay.

How do they get to name themselves that?

They're not federal at all.

They're private.

They're private express.

I think that's why they had to change their name.

Oh, that makes sense.

That makes sense.

Like my old company, American Government Mortgage.

You remember the company I telemarketed for

People's Drugs, folks?

You remember People's Drugs?

It became CVS.

Really?

Oh, did it?

Yep.

I don't remember that.

Oh, yeah.

Crown Books.

What were they?

What are they known?

Borders.

You remember Borders?

Oh, I do remember Borders.

It went out of business.

We had Log's Drugs, but they were were bought by CBS.

Yeah.

They bought all the balls.

Dwayne Reed is now Walgreens or what?

You know, a lot of stuff going on, guys.

A lot of companies used to be other companies.

Yeah.

It is crazy.

What about fuck?

Hmm.

There was a company, there was a place I used to shop at East Point, but I don't remember what it was called.

Shoe City, my city?

Hell yeah.

There's a place I used to shop at.

But I don't remember what it was called.

What What about Hex, huh?

Hex.

Hex.

Remember Hex?

Hex is the big one.

But that's not the one I'm thinking of.

Oh, yeah.

Hex was good.

Yeah, you got JCPenney.

They're still kicking, baby.

Macy's.

That's a story.

The original.

Yeah.

The fucking original.

I love to go down to the flagship.

Macaroni Grill.

You ever hear of such a place?

Yeah.

Who's grilling macaroni?

Well, it's just to let you know they got options.

They let you draw on the table there.

That's the fun part of macaroni.

I brought my own Sharpie last time I went.

Oh.

They don't stop you.

You got to put it that way.

I went to a fucking fancy restaurant.

Not fancy, but this fucking great restaurant.

Shopping.

I used to come back.

Restaurants where they have

anamorphic displays.

Are you thinking of like jungle

Rainforest Cafe?

Rainforest Cafe, Bugaboo Creek sort of thing.

I asked my parents to go there for my birthday one year.

Rainforest Cafe.

I remember going there.

Rainforest Cafe had a gorilla that would pound its chest at you.

Nice.

It had like rainforest noises playing in the background as you ate.

Dude, I remember that.

I can't imagine the food was any good.

No, it sucked.

I remember I wanted to go my whole childhood.

And then when I was like 16, we went for like

a friends.

No, no.

It was in Towson Mall, I think.

Or some mall.

And when I was 16, we went for like a family friends

birthday.

And I just thought that was a good thing.

Well, you got all your childhood aspirations.

They're like, eat a piece of fish every day

go to some stupid restaurant I'm a simple boy dude you know I wanted to go you fucking bad fuck I got there it sucked I thought you were like swinging from the vines and shit with gorillas I thought I was so fucking dumb I thought it was like a full immersive you eat in like a little tree hut and it was it was just a regular restaurant dude it was a big disappointment it's like that Simpsons where uh Germans take over the power plant they say uh well Mr.

Simpson after all we are from the land of chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said, like,

montager is going around the land of chocolate.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You were saying something about chocolate.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I used to think

that's me.

I don't take that as an insult at all.

I think it is a compliment.

Did you ever go to Planet Lake?

Wargame is bullshit.

Candylands.

I wanted to.

Candyland is so easy.

You just roll a dice and then move it.

Yeah, it sucks.

How the fuck is that a successful game?

It's for dumb ass.

Imagine being the guy that came up with that shit.

Well, you could play it at like two.

Yeah.

That's the reason why it's

successful.

But that guy's a genius.

Yeah, he is.

Imagine the Monopoly guy who came up with Monopoly is like...

So many rules.

Fucking...

Poor, he's gone through two marriages.

Yep.

His wife is like, Richard, you have to stop making this game.

No one will ever play it.

Hotels, houses, utilities?

This sounds awful.

Who will ever finish this game?

And no one

answer, actually.

I didn't know how to play.

Oh, yeah, you just roll the dice and then you move them.

And there's some little dick-ass fucking fat

jelly bean guy.

Licorice, queer.

Yeah.

LGB, licorice, licorice,

gummies.

Fuck.

Licorice

gummies.

Gummy bears.

Gummy bears.

Gummy bears.

GB.

LG.

Oh, yeah.

Licorice, gummy bear trannies.

But it's a type of candy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Nick wouldn't say a slur.

It's a nougat.

It's a kind of nougat.

Yeah.

How about that game, Sorry?

Yeah.

You say a slur and then you apologize.

I never understood how to play sorry.

I think you just fuck your friends over, and that's why the sorry,

like, you just.

Was sorry the one with the little thing you pop?

Yeah, it's the pop thing.

Yeah, yeah.

I never played a dice with Yahtzee.

Yahtzee's fun as shit.

Yahtzee is like 17 dice, right?

It's like a bunch of dice.

No, it's like poker, but you play with dice.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, nice.

So you have to assemble hands and then you score the hands.

Okay.

I'm in.

That's cool.

Yeah, we weren't a big board game family.

No one understood what the fuck was happening.

Recently, we had Monopoly, but we never finished it.

Monopoly takes Monopoly is a Greek word.

I bet your family was proud of that game.

Monopoly.

Yeah.

One

town.

Mono,

one, poly,

city, or town.

I thought it meant many.

No.

Mono.

So what's a what's a

poly.

Palopoly.

Palopoly, yeah.

Yeah.

Let's start Palopoly.

And it's a game where you fuck everyone, because you're poly.

It's a town of other people to fuck.

Do you know that?

Polyamorous is that that means many.

That doesn't mean you fuck towns.

Yeah.

You don't even know your own language.

No, I know.

It was a joke I was making.

I said many towns with Paliopoly.

I do speak.

What are you talking about?

Everyone knows you don't speak Greek.

I can speak Greek.

I speak the Greek polyophone.

What happens is food gets caught in your mouth and you start speaking.

I'll say whatever you fucking piece of.

You pretend it's another language.

You speak like a street Greek.

No, I don't, bitch.

First of all, you don't know any languages.

Neither of you dumb motherfuckers do.

I do.

And Hebrews are in Chinese.

You sound Chinese very well.

I'll give you that.

But you don't know Chinese Chinese Chinese.

What did you just say?

I know

How about that, bitch?

I know Greek.

Next, anything else?

Oh, Adam in a pustis.

Adam is a slur for a homosexual man.

Adam Gigi

Henlo.

No, wait.

Adam Gigi.

Adam Gigi shit.

Hen

fuck.

What is small?

Sagamisho topaputu Adam.

I'm gonna fuck Adam's grandfather.

Woe, yao, ho's Zaibutong area codes.

How about this?

If a Greek listener is listening, just send us a message.

Tell us how you think stuff's doing.

Bitch, I was just

fucking.

I just said I'd fuck your grandfather.

I have a feeling that you just made that up, dude.

I know Farsi thought.

I know Farsi?

Yeah.

I ate your mom's pussy.

I will eat your mom's pussy.

Pussy stretcher in Farsi.

My parents used to speak pimp.

Kuskesh and Gandigooz.

Gandhigooz is like the smell of a fart.

Nice.

So you can call us.

Did you have Persian friends growing up?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Iranian friends.

So I wash me the important ones.

Do they have black BMW?

No, I don't think so.

A lot of Persian people

had a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

And I worked with two Persian guys, and neither of them had BMWs.

Oh, okay.

Maybe it's LA Persian thing.

Probably.

What's it with the rugs?

Is that the last thing you're allowed to call Oriental?

Rugs?

No,

you can call Chinese people Oriental.

They're from the Orient.

It's not talking about Asian.

Agree.

Did you hear that?

Apparently, you're not.

You're not supposed to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The fucking guy.

Oriental anymore.

Mike Francesca thing.

Oh, that rocked.

He's like, oh, yo, nobody knows that.

I'm just repeating what I saw on the Rachel.

Rachel Matt SNBC.

MSNBC called him Chinks.

And so I said it too.

So I'm watching a report on MSNBC.

Rachel Maddow said that there's a Supreme Court.

Rachel Maddow said she's got a chink email.

There's a chink

band, right, called the Slants.

And that's why

listen, this is what I heard.

It's a Santa Bonnet band.

Apparently, a slant is a slur towards the chinks, which you're allowed to say, because I saw Lester Holtz said it to me personally.

I'm receiving word.

I was calling, I was like, so what are you?

What are you?

What are you?

Like

mixed or something?

Are you an Oriental?

And he goes, You can't call me that.

You have to call me Ching.

I'm pretty sure that's what he said.

Anyway, so I'm receiving word that you cannot call them Celestials on a radio program.

My producer is in my ear right now.

Celestials?

Look, I learned how to speak on the Jersey turnpike.

That's where I was born and raised

in the exit next to Elizabeth, New Jersey, in a place where truckers commit hate crimes against each other's genitals.

God, I love sports radio, dude.

Is Bruce Christie going to be a sports radio host?

Is he?

That's what they.

You know, the biggest piece of shit thing about him is that he's a Cowboys fan.

He's a dude from New Jersey that's a Cowboy fan.

He's Christie's the governor of fucking New Jersey.

He's because of Roy Rogers, dude.

They have two full-time.

He's probably into those curly fries and it let him down a dark path.

It's because of fucking.

Isn't Troy Aikman, dude?

Isn't he the Wing Stop guy now?

Is he?

Is he?

I'm pretty sure.

Rick Ross owns a bunch of Wing Stop guy.

No, no, no Troy Aikman's like the yeah, he's the wing stop spokesperson.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's great because he does the commercials, and I remember there was one of them.

He's like, hi, I'm Troy Aikman.

You might remember me as the Wing Stop spokesperson.

And it's like so concussed.

He doesn't even remember his.

I think he had something like 20 concussions.

Yeah, he got his shit.

He had to retire because of concussions.

Yeah, it's amazing he can speak.

It's amazing that he can.

He's a good guy.

It's amazing that he could be gay with Joe Buck.

He's a color guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like,

with that many concussions.

Skip called him.

He called

his book.

Yeah.

Skip's a piece of shit, man.

I got to order this pizza soon, boys.

We do.

No pizza for me.

I got to be a Paleo Warrior

after this.

I could do that.

Yeah.

I got John Wick 2, which I will review on the next movie.

I don't like that scene, the Industrial Rock scene.

Did you see John Wick 2 already?

I did.

Yeah.

Oh, I haven't seen it.

I saw it recently.

Well, then.

Not as good as John Wick 2, but pretty good.

Fuck.

We'll watch one of the other movies I've purchased.

What else we got?

I don't know.

The Revenant?

Ooh.

Not a very good movie, but it looks good.

Nice and short.

Yeah, Revenant.

I still have to see the second half of Revenant.

It's so fucking long.

You know what pissed me off about Revenant?

Yeah, he go off.

He had boogers in his beard the whole time.

It's just wipe your face.

I know you're in the.

Just why don't you just wipe your face?

Just wipe your face.

Just wipe your face.

He's in pain.

He doesn't even feel the boogers.

He won't win your face.

He got

your face.

He doesn't feel it.

His fucking entrails are hanging out.

The boogers bugged me.

A fucking bear cock.

I couldn't pay attention to that whole movie because he had boogers on his face.

That's the stupidest fucking.

Wipe your face, Leo.

That's the stupidest fucking.

Shallows and Life.

Those came free with the

one with Marvel.

The documentary?

Eddie Murphy.

No, I love that movie.

I love Eddie Movie.

All the Eddie Murphy movies.

You're going Bofinger.

Doesn't he fuck like the Windows movie?

Bofinger is a hilarious movie.

I like Bofinger.

So funny.

The scene where he's running across the fucking continent.

Really good.

So good.

I think it's a really good movie.

And then

isn't Heather Graham in it?

So funny.

And she like, she's a tent.

Guys, you got to do more jokes on the show.

Okay.

The bit can't always be that we're just

good.

I, I, you know, okay, here's what we're doing.

It's funny when we do it with stores and we name stuff.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

All right.

That was funny for a second.

You're right.

We get three of those in an episode.

I think we've done that six.

We'll continue to dictate the conversation.

I agree.

Oh, you know what happened to me?

In New Orleans?

I went to like a I went to a lube jockstrap wrestling thing, like with the drag queens hosted and shit.

And,

you know, it was supposed to be like a fun time.

Lube Jockstrap Wrestling.

What the fuck is that?

There's people.

There's fucking people.

It's right there in the name, Adam.

What do you mean?

What is that?

It was fun.

Is it hot chicks?

There were chicks and dudes.

It was a nice mix.

I didn't think it was going to be a gay event for some reason, and it clearly is, though.

Yeah.

Well, pretty much all events are gay.

That's true.

Anything that's been planned ahead of time is a a gay thing.

Yeah, I'll tell you what real men do.

Yes.

Talk about stores.

Hey, they go somewhere.

We should fucking say a thing to each other.

A couple of racial slurs over here.

All people Oriental.

That's right, my friend.

Because you don't know any better.

Oh, that was.

We forgot about that heat.

We threw a lot of Oriental around.

You were just quoting my quote.

I was like, I'm not sure if Rachel Battalion.

Yeah, who was quoting me?

Who claimed that he was quoting MSNBC?

I heard it in the report on MSNBC.

But so this guy,

this dude in front of me, this little guy in front of me with a beard and shit,

kept trying to grab my cock.

He kept trying to jerk me off over my pants.

He was like, come to my house.

And I was like, no, thanks, man.

I'm all set.

Which felt nice

to be sexually ready.

Dude, not me.

I would have fucking flipped out and beaten him to death.

Really did it?

Right there in the middle.

Middle of that place.

Middle of a gay.

I've blacked out, gone into a very defensive, insecure range, and just beaten that man into a bloody mess.

For almost unlocking your secret desire.

At the top of my lungs.

Like

just a completely normal reaction to such a situation.

Anyway, so he

eventually stopped.

He wasn't too happy.

But then he was being kind of a dick to me.

But then he just saw a different fat guy and he started jerking him off in the bar.

In the thing?

Just in the middle of the bar, dude.

Like, right in front of me.

I just looked at some fat fat guy get the hand job that was supposed to be for me.

And then they just went to like...

Who was supposed to be for me?

The hand job.

Like when somebody fucking plays a slot machine after you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they just, like, disappeared into, like, a room, I guess, and fucked.

But there weren't that many rooms.

There was, like, a courtyard out back.

So, I don't know.

He probably got to stick to it.

New Orleans rules.

It was awesome, dude.

What a great city.

Oh, yeah, it's a great place.

I was getting off my plane this morning, and you know how like everybody pulls their phone out, and it's just like they first have service again.

So, yeah, they pull out, and you do that thing where you look at everyone else's phone and peek into their lives, and you know, pretend you're somebody else, of course.

And there's this fucking old man sitting in front of me, like this old-ass dude, and he pulls his phone out, and the first thing he checks is the Dilbert newsletter.

He goes right to the Dilbert newsletter and checks the new Dilbert thing.

That fucking thing.

I mean, it's not like Scott Adams doing like politics.

No, it was like, here's the new new dillbolt.

His Dilbert News.

Here's the new Dillbles for today.

Hell yeah.

You missed while you were in the air.

Dude, I love the way old guys use their phone or old people, like what they prioritize.

My fucking godfather in Greece.

When that whole screen is like zoomed 9,000%.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Dude, I went to my fucking godfather Greece.

He still had a flip phone.

I went two years ago.

He had four pictures on his phone.

Two were fish he caught.

One were like his bees.

He's a beekeeper.

And the third was a grainy ass, zoomed-in, illegally taken photo of two women with their tits out on the beach.

And he was just like, eh.

My grandpa's computer is the funniest shit in the world.

It's like, first of all, the start button is like half the screen.

And then the rest of it is all these overlapping icons because he doesn't know how to use his desktop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he uses Walmart Connect to dial up internet.

What the fuck?

That still exists.

Yeah, I still get that.

He has Walmart.

Before that, he had Errol's video internet.

Oh, I remember Errol's

that he still had until like 2011.

They went out of business in like 1997, and he somehow still had Arrolls.

What was that shit?

It was like for farms.

It was like satellite internet or some shit.

Yeah, yeah.

They still have those.

There's like all these weird.

I used to work in a call center, and like the better you got at your job, they would just add you to other companies.

But like,

they didn't tell you they were going to add you to those companies, so you would just get a call, and the screen would say, like, VSOL, like, internet services.

Be like, thanks for calling

VSOL Internet Services Technical Support.

How may I help you?

They're like, Yeah, I'm out here in

Katie, and I have the satellite adjusted according to what it says in the manual, but I'm not getting any downstream on on the coaxial connection.

And I'm like, I don't fucking know what you're talking about, dude.

Sorry.

Yeah.

You know, click.

Of course.

You just say click and then people think you hung up.

Click?

Because you have no ability to actually hang up on them.

Really?

No, that's not true.

Dude, that job sucks so much.

There was this fucking guy that me and Norman knew that worked there.

Mm-hmm.

That I wasn't really friends with him or anything, but

he started working from home.

And then eventually he got fired from the job, and I was like, how did you get fired?

And he was like, oh, well, I would log in in the morning and then just like leave.

And he did that for like six months.

Hell yeah.

His phone would just ring and he just would never pick it up.

Oh, that's awesome.

It took them six.

He just collected a paycheck.

Good for him.

Yeah, getting like $700 every two weeks to just do nothing.

I mean, I sort of did that at the fucking law firm I worked for, but nothing to that extreme degree.

Yeah, you're just literally closing on people's homes.

I was not.

I was actually kind of like Robin Hood.

I was a stumbling block in the world.

No.

I just didn't help the rich by being a horrible employee.

That's what I did.

That's cool.

I didn't do anything.

It was so cool.

All your pants look like tights.

Robin Hood.

Yeah, I was Robin Hood.

Because I made fucking business pants look like fucking a leotard.

Dude, that was the fucking lowest point in my life.

Why are you wearing yoga pants?

Like, that's a dress.

These are dockers.

He's under a blanket.

He's inside of a vehicle.

Yeah, I just tied two snuggies together.

That was the only thing I could fit into at that point in my life.

Why are you wearing such tight clothes?

He's literally inside of a bus.

He's rocking around in a bus.

My stomach's coming out of the fucking window.

Yeah, it looks like somebody dropped a grands roll.

Oh, fuck.

You were never fat in your life, huh?

In middle school, I was chubby.

But like, like a bit, like a belly chub.

Get out of here.

You ever felt your stomach on your legs while you shit?

No.

That's a fat.

That's a fat guy feeling.

I come from a skinny family.

Like, my dad just got a belly at like 65.

Yeah, I did too.

All my family, I just had to go to this wedding.

Everyone in my family is like...

Fucking great shit.

They're all tall as shit.

Fucking.

Yeah, they all just love going to the beach.

You don't got to be tall to go to the beach, baby.

I love that beach.

That's right, dude.

We got to start going.

Which I am tall, though.

I went to the beach a bunch while you guys were out there.

No, I mean, they're like, you know,

actually, a lot of them are, like, kind of fat now, but that's because none of them have ever, I don't think they do, and none of them exercise.

Right, right, right.

They're always just in shape.

Right, right, right.

There's people that are, like, they get to just be in shape until they're, like, 37.

Right.

And then they get a bit of a paunch and they don't know what to do about it.

Yeah.

Those people.

Oh, there was this fucking asshole, this old Greek guy, who was, like, would brag about he's like still wearing the same jeans from high school, 32, and there was just an enormous, just circular pot belly right above his waist.

And it's like, you're going to die, dude.

And that's worse than being like just a little fatter than you were in high school.

Alcoholic gut people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, yeah, I'm still smelt.

Yeah.

It's like, no, you've been drinking fucking Johnny Walker and just the John Wayne.

All of your calories from plastic bottle dark liquor

for the last 30 years.

And just hamburger.

If you go out to Brighton Beach, there's those Russian guys that have those exact proportions that just go out every day and tan.

And they're like, at this point, they look like Grimmus.

They're all purple.

They're so fucking tan.

I was there with my friend a couple weeks ago, and he just kept saying they're the worst kind of white.

They're the worst kind of white.

What, tan?

No, no, the worst.

That's sure to not be white.

I'll tell you that right there.

That is the worst kind of white.

When

you're not white enough, you've got to be lighter than that.

The way I like it.

Man, I'm trying to get that.

They're hilarious, dude.

We got to go down to Brighton Beach.

It's like a different country.

To watch disrespect Russian people is

to go hang out, dude.

I can't wait until you get fucking merced just giggling like a fucking little

Eastern Promises, dude.

He just cuts Adam.

You actually

scar him.

No,

at the Schwitz in the East Village, there's like mad Eastern Promise tattoo dudes down there.

And they're fucking like

shacked and scary.

We gotta get those.

Well, we already talked about it in the other one.

But we gotta get those prison bitch tattoos for you.

The Russian prison bitch tattoos.

Yeah, I mean, nautical stars.

You already have.

No, you don't get the nautical stars.

You get a cat eyes.

That means I'm a cat.

Yeah, what's cat eyes again?

That means, well, what they do, I guess they see everyone.

You didn't tell me.

I didn't explain it on the last one.

They put eyes over the guy's lower back, so when he gets fucked in the ass in jail, it looks like a woman's face.

So it looks like they're face fucking a woman.

Yeah, a woman with a 22-inch wide face.

Very big cheeks on that woman.

But that's Adam's role.

I don't think it's funny.

They stole our election, guys.

That's so true, man.

Yeah, it's so true.

Anyway, but.

And they keep finding more and more Russians.

Did you see this?

Did you see that Donald Trump had a secret meeting with Vladimir Putin at G20?

Yeah, awesome.

There's no record of this meeting.

I can only imagine what they talked about in that meeting.

Probably

an illegal conspiracy.

Probably gay sex.

Yeah, they had gay sex with each other.

You know, I heard Donald Trump was

during the Benghazi attacks having

gay sex with each other.

And he had pee-peed on it.

Democratic conspiracy.

See,

the Democratic Party has just absolutely lost it recently.

Yeah.

This rush of shit.

Whatever.

We don't have to.

I mean, you did too.

You kind of lost it.

When?

You were freaking out about it and and being a little girl about it.

You did text the threat a bunch.

No,

it was about the phishing emails, but apparently we don't know.

We don't know anything about that.

There's no evidence.

No, what there's no evidence of is that anything happened because of it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, if anything happened, the most likely thing is it's some business shit with Jared.

Yeah, but I mean, yeah, they're probably making...

Yeah, there's fucking someone somehow to make a lot of money.

But it's not about Peepee and all this stuff that these fucking media Democrats think.

Maybe he got pissed on, man.

I mean, if he got pissed on, I would respect him.

Yeah, I wouldn't kink shame him.

I would not kink shame him, you know?

For sure.

I wouldn't kink shame him at all.

I would.

Yeah.

I would be upset that I voted for him if I found out

if I found out that he stayed in hotels in Russia and did...

did weird sex stuff like make prostitutes pee on a bed to disrespect Obama.

Is that the reasoning?

reasoning?

He had them call him Obama while they picked it up.

Dude, I love that there was shit in there that was like, then he took a dump and he pointed at one of the turds and he was like, look, that's Obama because it's brown.

That one's the.

That was in the dossier?

Yeah,

so people are taking it seriously.

Yeah, it was clearly written by 4chan.

Didn't a bunch of Russian guys get God?

If it was 4chan, though, didn't like a bunch of ambassadors get got or something.

4chan lied and took credit for it.

And I'm sure they did.

But I'm going to propagate that lie because it's funny to me.

It is funny.

If 4chan got away with that,

he did that.

That's really funny.

I thought

they were killing a lot of Russian diplomats for a sec.

Yeah, but a lot of the times when they kill someone, it's not like exactly Putin.

It's like someone trying to impress him, and then he'll take credit for it.

Like, oh, yes, this was my plan the whole time.

A lot of people getting got is fucked up.

Yeah, like journalists and political opponents.

No, and like

people in their

fucking money.

But

their country is a lot more fucked up than the Democrats or people give them credit for.

There's a lot of these

killings that are done by people trying to get into his inner circle, but not necessarily him.

I mean, he did bomb apartment complexes and killed mad Russian citizens.

He did?

Did.

Someone's been there.

He blames it on the Chechens.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that bombing is like...

It's

still conspiracy.

I mean, there's a lot of fucking evidence that makes it seem like that's what the case is.

So he does like a lot of little 9-11s.

He does a lot of little 9-11s.

With the apartment bombing, it's like

there was one building that did blow up, and there was another one where the bomb didn't blow up, and the bomb was made out of RDX, and there was like FSB radio chatter at the time, and people saw two

agents leaving.

And RDX, only the military has access to it.

Oh, shit.

But that justified the second Chechenian war.

But it's not

proven that he...

I mean, I probably think Putin is innocent of all of these.

He seems like a damn supervillain.

That

he snatched up Georgia.

Russia is the only democratic country.

Putin is to be trusted.

Putin is likely the richest guy in the world.

We don't know how much money he has.

Yeah, it's a clip talker.

According to the frontline documentary that me and Adam both watched.

Yeah, yeah, that's literally.

Oh, is that what's going on here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we watched it together, actually.

No, I would never watch something with you.

We watched stuff all the time.

No, I would never.

Don't watch it.

I would never in my life.

You asked him on the podcast to watch John Wick 20 minutes ago.

No, I said, did you see John Wick?

You said something along those lines.

Do you want to watch John Wick?

No, I don't believe I indicated any desire to

do any such thing.

My plan was to wear my Panama hat by myself in the dark.

Yeah, you are looking fresh, dude.

Dude, hell yeah.

No, I got that suit for that wedding.

And I'm glad, you know, because I almost spent the $800 on that Hugo boss suit, and then I just paid $80 to Target, and now that suit is destroyed because I smoked three cigars before bed and then fell asleep.

Oh, yeah, you're a cigar guy now, dude.

No, only on vacation.

Nah, you're a cigar guy.

I mean, I will.

You got the taste.

Yeah.

They call me Chucky Monte Cristo.

Yeah, what'd you smoke?

Sammy Cohiba.

Oh, Cohiba, little Romeo Julieta.

Yeah.

Is that how you pronounce it?

Romeo Julieta.

Oh yeah,

Julieta.

Romeo Iulieta.

That's good, dude.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, I speak Spanish, too.

Garcia y Vegas.

Those are nice.

You ever have one of those?

You ever have an Al Capone cognac?

You ever have a Duchamastere?

That's my favorite shit.

The Al Capone cigarillas.

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of fucking dip shit

bus station goon you have to be?

What kind of blunts did you guys roll?

Let me get the Al Capone cigars.

You You rolled owls?

What about you?

You rolled grape dutches.

Everybody always bought dutches, but I never learned how to roll a blunt.

We used to roll swishers.

I think that was like a West Coast.

Yeah, Swisher sweets sometimes, too.

Yeah, I was never a blunt guy.

I didn't even know how to roll a joint until I was like 20.

I had to teach myself with shitty weed.

I still can't.

What I used to do.

I rolled a pretty good joint.

Because I started rolling cigarettes.

I got good at rolling cigarettes.

I can't roll shit, dude.

I got really fucking good at rolling cigarettes.

I can do that while driving.

Yeah.

Well, I can do it while fucking your mom.

Nice.

You do that?

Yeah.

i can do it actually i changed my mind remember i said i couldn't i actually can while fucking both your moms and driving a motorcycle nick's mom too yes what's her name collette yeah don't say collette's name on the podcast

my fucking my my black mom collette collette mullendy yeah

um i thought your mom collette johnson my middle-aged black mom

nick don't you be bringing none of that nonsense in here i thought your mom's name was miss yvette Yeah, it is.

The original Miss Damn She Thick.

What you talking about on that radio show?

Did your family did you tell your family at this wedding about Come Town?

Did that come up?

No, I got in trouble for some shit, I said.

Oh, you should talk about your family more then.

Yeah, well, I mean, my response was like, I think I literally just said to my mom,

unless you could tell me specifically what I said, don't bother me with this bullshit.

Gaslighting your own mother.

I'm a piece of shit.

I do it all the time.

She was like, You said something about this or that or whatever.

And like, you shouldn't fucking say things about your family in public or whatever.

And I was like, tell me what I said then.

Why don't you tell me exactly what I said?

Because if you can't do that, then shut the fuck up.

Oh, fuck.

That's one step above me.

Why were you looking at my phone?

Yeah.

I'm a good son.

I'm definitely, my family loves to

put up with me and tolerate when you're around.

Damn, get into it.

They really do have to, like, it is funny.

I can see that they have to, like, just sort of tolerate me.

The mood changes.

Do they know me in Cometown?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, my family.

What about your

idea?

My mom is.

BSL-ass family.

Mom has no idea.

Did you just think you have a radio show?

Did I tell you guys

when I went home?

I went, I fucking,

I was giving my dad a little back rub, you know?

I could tell

you

I could tell my dad, you know, he's had a rough day, and he was like, Yeah, I need to go.

It was me, him, my mom, and he's like, Oh, that's a good massage.

You know what kind of massage I really need?

That Chinese massage, where they do the good, good massage.

Wow.

Man, after my own massage.

And then my dad was like, Have you ever gotten that good Chinese massage to me?

And I was like, No.

And my mom was like, Yeah, right.

My mom was convinced I go get beaten off by fucking sex slaves, which I don't.

Only you do, Adam.

But yeah, my mom, my own mother, wouldn't believe I don't participate in the sex economy.

That breaks my heart.

You think your mom thinks you fuck prostitutes?

No.

See?

The irony.

I don't fuck prostitutes actively.

Yeah, well.

I'm very upfront and brave about my experiences with sex.

Adam, you know, you are, it's just, we are the sum of our actions, my friend.

You can say whatever you want, but your actions speak louder.

Show don't tell.

The sum of my actions is humanitarian.

Show don't tell.

Good friend and overall sweetie pie.

Absolutely not.

Yeah, that's why I want to, like, one of these days, save a baby from choking or something.

Yeah.

And that way I can do whatever the fuck I want because nobody can say shit.

Yeah, you've earned it.

Yeah.

You've earned a couple hate crimes.

What's the most heroic thing you guys have done?

I beat up a bully when I was a little kid.

Was he bullying you or was he bullying someone else?

I was bullying someone else.

Oh, that's good.

Hopped on his back, choked his ass.

You just sat on him?

He was fat as shit.

He was the only kid in the school fatter than me, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

Well done, dude.

Game-recognized game.

But yeah, so the minor fat, the smaller fat guy, you know, I just did.

You did it for honor?

I did it for honor.

That's cool.

Honor and glory.

Nick, have you ever done anything courageous or honorable?

I mean, everything.

I'm just a naturally brave individual.

You ride a lot of roller coasters.

Dude, I live by a code, and that code is fucking

never take shit from nobody.

That's a good code.

Especially, you know, people smaller than me.

Especially women,

invalids,

people who handicapped people.

You know, I don't think I've ever actually done anything courageous.

What do you mean by courageous?

Like, something, I mean, like, I'll fucking,

you know,

I'd say I'm pretty charitable and generous, but I'm not, like, you you know, I wouldn't fucking

pretty generous with my cock.

Yeah, I wouldn't like pull somebody out of a.

Well, I guess I've never been in that situation, so who knows?

Yeah.

I wonder if I have.

I'm not sure.

Have you done anything?

I think one time I was at Disneyland and my sister was like six or something.

I was like ten.

And my uncle was like swinging her around by her ankles and then she slipped.

And I think I grabbed her.

I think she would have hit her head on the bottom.

That's not heroes.

That's been retarded.

She's been retarded.

That's just reflexes.

What do you mean?

I think I say.

What were you going to do?

Let your sister fucking hit the

funny story.

Your brain concocted to make up for what actually happened with your uncle in the dressing room.

We were in the line for the teacups, dude.

We were in the line for teacups.

I remember it.

And then I saved her.

And that's what happened.

You're going to fucking get a whiff of like Aquanet or something one day.

And then you're going to have a flashback.

And it's all waiting.

My sister wasn't even there.

Why do you think she was there what

you have to fucking leave your chinese jerk off dad

just immediately call all nine of your therapists that you're given for each candle on your precious candelabra

the candelabra the jewish candelabrapist

analyst please use the proper jewish term yeah it is an analyst what's the story hanukkah some lamp burned for eight days?

Some shit like that.

No, no, no.

No, it was the Greek.

There should be a Mythbuster ecosystem about it.

No, the Stavs came out.

I'm the mustache guy, and this is fuck you, Hanukkah.

Is that picture of that mustache guy's asshole real?

What?

What?

The picture of Mythbuster's guy's asshole?

Yeah, is that real?

I don't know.

Maybe this is Mythbusters up there.

Is that one of your websites?

I mean, it's been around.

I've seen it around.

Which one?

The mustache guy?

Yeah, he's like holding his asshole open.

Is he still wearing the hat?

I don't think so.

Wait, you mean Goatsy?

No.

Yeah, Goatsy is Mythbusters.

I think Goatsy is.

I don't think Goatsy is the guy from Mythbusters.

That's not what I'm saying.

There's like a new Mythbusters, like, I guess it's a comedy guy that does it.

Adam.

I mean, Adam Ruins Everything.

Yeah, it's like Mythbusters.

Sure, that was the original name of this podcast, but we had to change it to Come Town because of that TV show.

That's really good.

Yeah.

Well,

another episode of Adam Ruins.

No, I don't know, man.

I like.

Yeah, I've seen that show.

show.

I haven't seen a lot like

bullshit, like Penn and Teller's bullshit.

Which was it funny?

What is he without the libertarian views, which is what I'm saying?

Hell yeah, yeah.

That's what I like.

My favorite bullshit episode was the one

recycling is bullshit.

I think some recycling is.

Medicine for the poor is bullshit.

I think paper recycling is good, but like glass is maybe not good.

Whatever, man.

Who cares?

You should do it.

Fuck Penn and Teller.

You would be better is Penn and Keller, Keller, and it's Helen Keller.

And she's just screaming with a bunch of arrows sticking out of her.

I would like Teller and Keller.

Get Penn the fuck out of there.

Is that mute guy trying to get that blind guy to shut up?

Yeah.

But that's how I imagine Helen Keller.

And he's just making an exasperated teller face.

I wonder what noises Helen Keller made.

Oh, it's a sexual she was doing.

Yeah.

I guarantee you Adam would take his sexual advantage of Helen Keller.

No, I wouldn't.

And he would go, but what?

She's not retarded.

She's got the same mental capacity as the rest of them.

Actually, a greater mental capacity, in my opinion.

It ain't about that mental capacity.

It's about that.

Pussy capacity.

I have a new girlfriend.

Yeah, she's really cool.

She's deaf and blind.

And a socialist.

Was Ellen Keller a socialist?

Yeah, that's why you don't hear about her.

She was actually a communist.

You don't hear about her adult.

I was doing a stand-up bit for a while a couple of years ago about how, like, feminists do kind of have a point about how you don't really learn about women in history.

Because, like, my knowledge of it's like, I think about Helen, how it confused Helen Keller and Anne Frank, and it's like, because those are the only two

and Amelia Earhart.

Yeah, and it's like,

all right, well, here's all the men in history.

Oh, I guess we got cramps of women in there.

It's like, ah, this dead girl.

And,

oh, yeah, some dumb bitch who couldn't see you or anything, something.

And those are the most important women in history.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, Harriet Tubman and Amelia Earhart are the only other ones, probably.

Yeah.

Harriet Tubman does rule legitimately.

Sackage your way ass.

Wait, was Harriet Tubman a different woman than Sir Journal of Truth?

Or were they the same woman?

Yeah.

Sojourner Truth was the...

They just did the same thing.

She was a suffragist.

Oh, she was?

She was a suffragist.

Yeah, Harriet Tubman was bad.

Sojourner Truth was like a black voting person.

Oh.

I think.

And Harriet Tubman.

She invented the MTA.

She was the first black woman to work at the MTA.

She invented being rude to customers.

Are there trained guys that are affected by the people?

Harriet Tubman was the first woman to say, Sir, that is not my job.

That is not my job.

That's actually how slavery ended.

Is Harriet Tubman said, Sir, that is not my job.

Oh, fuck.

Some southern dandy had to be like,

pardon me?

Sir, that is not my problem.

I don't rightly know.

I know how to deal with this.

Do you have a supervisor I can talk to?

Sir, we closed.

I'm on break.

Oh, fuck.

It's a really good job.

That's beautiful.

Well, I think that ought to do it for us.

Yeah, we got to order that pizza.

All right, let's do that.

All right.

Good night, folks.

Oh, wait.

Oh, yeah.

Funny moms is Monday.

This upcoming Monday.

Shouts out to all the cumboys in New Orleans, my man.

I think Paul sold me ass.

He already did the show.

Huh?

Why are you plugging a show?

You're saying shouts out there when you came out.

Well, you should have done that at the beginning.

This is the shout-out section.

Why not?

Shout-outs and plugs should go at the end.

No, they should.

Yes, they should.

What you want to start a show with shout-outs and plugs?

Yeah, that's how the profession, those are the pros over at

guys.

We fucked do it.

The show starts off with 97 minutes of

sponsor messages.

Why are you calling them pros?

I'll do plugs.

Because they make $300 million a year.

Yeah, they're rich as hell.

They're like top 10 other companies.

A pro is anyone who makes more money than me.

An amateur is your mom.

Ha!

Ha ha ha.

Fuck.

She gets fucked on camera.

All right, well, the upcoming Monday.

What is that?

The 24th?

Yeah, yo.

I heard Adam's mom gets fucked on DVD.

You can see her gap bitch get fucked on DVD-R.

Yeah, the the 24th, come to the show.

Thanks, guys.

Bye.com.

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