Ep. 56 – The Resistance

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Speaker 1 that's quince.com slash tafs free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash t a f s brandon's brandon's show with his wife

Speaker 2 my girlfriend is a wife dude oh that's true

Speaker 2 are we uh are we going is the show going yeah we already started

Speaker 2 the dream of consciousness writer like i wanted to get tumbler girls yeah i wanted you wanted to get secretly no no i wanted to get a second of silence but you guys wouldn't listen to me so I just started recording it while you were talking shit on Brandon's show.

Speaker 2 I wasn't talking... Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we were. I don't know why I'm lying about that.

Speaker 2 We're talking blatant shit. The one guy lower on the totem pole.

Speaker 2 The end of the material human centipede, Brandon Wardell.

Speaker 2 The guy that rides behind Adam. Did we joke on the show? I am lowest on the bill for that show.

Speaker 2 Did we talk

Speaker 2 about

Speaker 2 what? About how much that Japanese guy at the back back of the human centipede would have loved that shit.

Speaker 2 And they, like, pretend like he doesn't like it in the movie. I didn't know.
I never saw a human centipede. Oh, yeah.
It's two hot girls and then a Japanese guy. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, who's in the middle, I think. Does he ever get the front? Or maybe, you know what? Maybe he's in the front.
With his mouth. Oh, that's funny.
I don't know. I'd love to be in the front.

Speaker 2 You know, you know, he would, like, the German scientists would be telling him his plans, and he would be like, thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for this gift to me. Territious.

Speaker 2 This is the only thing I have ever dreamed of.

Speaker 2 To be sewed together.

Speaker 2 The front of the Cuban centipede's not bad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't have to eat anything. Me and Cubists were talking about it one time.
It's like, what's the worst... What's the ranking

Speaker 2 best to worst? And then, like, there's

Speaker 2 all these people we were talking to that were like, you know.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, you know, the front's obviously the most ideal. And then probably the back, and then the middle.
And it's like, no, it's first the front, then the middle.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 2 I'm at least getting it. At least you're getting your ass eaten.
Yeah, you're shitting in someone's mouth. You want to shit in someone's mouth.
Yeah. At the very least.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 That's a consolation process. I would say that the front is almost good.
The front's great. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a good thing to happen. It's funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you're the only one not suffering. Your whole life is just like shit.
Like, imagine if I was in the front and Adam was behind me, you know how happy I'd be? Watching. Every day

Speaker 2 you're just eating my shit. It's funny.
I wouldn't last that long.

Speaker 2 Probably. I don't think he'd die in that movie.
From

Speaker 2 sepsis. Oh, from literally from just having a hand.
From the shit people accuse me of having.

Speaker 2 You don't have it? Who accuses you of having? No,

Speaker 2 that's like a meme. People on the boards? Yeah, that's it.
I have.

Speaker 2 Nick's got sepsis. Yeah, people on Game Facts keep saying that I have sepsis.
Dude, I had a rough week this week. You ever used Game Facts? I never did.

Speaker 2 I've never, I don't know how any board works at all.

Speaker 2 I got to the internet much too late. We got it when I was used to it.
I just used it for porn, dude. I never used it.

Speaker 2 No, I never. I still don't understand how it works.
I tried to go on Reddit once. I don't get it.
Oh, I don't understand how it works. But yeah, that's kind of its own thing.
That's different.

Speaker 2 Aren't all boards that way, though? It's like moderators.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And there's like sub-shits.
And people vote for your, like, if it's good comment.

Speaker 2 No, they don't have the voting stuff. Oh, no.
Okay. Is that Reddit? Is the upvote down vote? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I've tried to get on other boards where I'm researching something, and I just am too stupid to understand the board. So it's like I'm not going to figure out how to.

Speaker 2 Boards are kind of an old thing, I feel like. Yeah, it's like email.
It's like not knowing how email works.

Speaker 2 Well, I get email, but not boards, man. I don't have to tell you.
I'm dumb. I'm an old man.
Because I didn't get internet in my house. I had dial-up when I was like,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 in freshman year of high school, ninth grade. Yeah.
We didn't get high-speed internet until I was like

Speaker 2 in 10th grade. You could use forms with dial-up.
Yeah, you don't need AOL download stuff. I had AOL at home or whatever the fuck.

Speaker 2 The only thing I used it for was aim. My mom

Speaker 2 was

Speaker 2 dial-up until like four years ago.

Speaker 2 No way. Yeah, she just refers to it.
Who even provides dial-up? She would get into like fights with Verizon because they would like, they're like, we're going to cut off your service.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude. What was after dial-up? DSL, right? Yeah, DSL.
Dick sucking lips. Yeah, that's what it stands for.

Speaker 2 Man, I'm getting sluggish after this smoothie. I ate a giant steak yesterday.
I saw that. I was jealous.
I know. I made it myself.
How'd you do it? I seared it. I used salt and pepper.

Speaker 2 You got a cast iron? Yeah. Well, Amber does.
I use hers. I would use some butter and a little bit of, what's that? Thyme.
Yeah. Yes, thyme is good.
Put a little bit of paper.

Speaker 2 If your dick is really big, what you do is you put the fucking, you put the pan at 500 degrees in the fucking oven. Well, after you can't get it screaming hot.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no to get it hot as shit. And then you put the fucking heat high, throw the fucking pan that's already been in the oven.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 Put that fucker on there for like 90 seconds each side.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 the pan gets pretty fucking hot. You just need to sear it for like about two minutes each side.
I mean, cooking a steak's pretty good. Depends on what cut of steak it is.
You got to go riby.

Speaker 2 If you're going straight, ribeye. Ribeye, the fatty shit.
That's my favorite. Hell yeah.
Get that marblization popping. Let's get a fucking ribeye.

Speaker 2 We got to get boisters, and we got to get a fucking stick. We still need to go to Peter Luger's steakhouse.
Fuck yeah, dude. I went with Ben.
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's run it back.

Speaker 2 I'm down to try a different thing. Yeah, I remember I was trying to come, and you were like, no, actually, it's just me and Ben going.
Yeah, sometimes because they had a reservation, man.

Speaker 2 People can have plans that don't involve you, Nick. No, it's not going to eat.
I know Benjamin about this. Me and Ben.
Ben's like one of my best friends. We live in different cities.

Speaker 2 I see him fucking six times a year. Also, they they made a reservation for Duke.
It was said, he was like, I'm coming, we're getting steaks.

Speaker 2 He had no point to say that they made a reservation for Duke. He said he had a 6 p.m.
reservation at Peter League's with Ben. Oh, did you go? Is that how you know? Yeah, Adam was there.

Speaker 2 I invited my friends I like. It was me, Adam, Ben.
And then we can only add one

Speaker 2 person.

Speaker 2 Brandon Wardell Skyped in.

Speaker 2 Darcy was there. That girl Darcy hates.

Speaker 2 Eve Piser was there.

Speaker 2 Brandon, it was okay, cool. Eve was telling everyone she's Jewish.

Speaker 2 The whole restaurant loved it. They're like, hey, you got to get along with this girl.
She's hilarious. She's telling us she's Jewish.
Have you ever heard such a funny joke in your life?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so otherwise, though, you know, I'd be happy to have involved you. But you get it.
It was a closed, personal thing. Yeah, Brandon ordered fidget spinners.

Speaker 2 He ordered fucking chicken nuggets at a steakhouse.

Speaker 2 But we should go get steaks for real and boisterous. To celebrate.

Speaker 2 Well, there's a lot of reason to celebrate today. It's Donald Trump's birthday.
Is it? It's Flag Day.

Speaker 2 It's Flag Day.

Speaker 2 Adam's got a couple of rainbow flags set up around his house. That's his flag.
A couple.

Speaker 2 I got it. It's like the United Nations over at my house.
Just a hundred different rainbow flags.

Speaker 2 You've got the rainbow version of every country. Every country.

Speaker 2 Every time you suck off a guy from a different country, he gives you one of those. Well, I got actually just 50 of the Israel rainbow

Speaker 2 we've had a couple of good shootings today one at ups and i've feuded with ups numerous times anytime anything bad happens to one of their transit centers amen god watch

Speaker 2 that was pretty cool bernie bro the bernie bro bernie bro shot up a bunch of congressmen playing softball which is like you know yeah it's like good right yeah if if you're if you're gonna i'm just like if you're gonna be some fucking old asshole playing baseball fuck baseball Well, how many of you deserve to get shot?

Speaker 2 How many dudes? Baseball's gay, dude. How many of you're a fucking senator fucking fielding balls and shit? Get the fuck out of here.
How many

Speaker 2 90 guns that they got at gun shows that aren't registered, that were stockpiling to take arms against the government, had a backtrack today? Like a million, probably.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is strange that it's a Bernie Bro. I mean, shouts out, you know.
Aha! You know,

Speaker 2 we're getting in the mass shooting game. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 We're getting it. You know, know, it wasn't just being

Speaker 2 chauvinist. That wasn't enough.
It wasn't enough being mean to ladies. Now we're shooting people too, dude.
We're getting in the game.

Speaker 2 And there was also a big fire in London, which was pretty cool. Was there? Yeah, it was

Speaker 2 a Muslim apartment complex that burned down. Oh, you see.
Yeah, you know what? Chalk one up for the good guys.

Speaker 2 Take that.

Speaker 2 That's how I feel. So for today, you would say it kind of evens out because

Speaker 2 a beautiful Republican senator got shot. I'm so glad the Muslims.
No, I'm on board with the Bernie Bros shooting. Okay, you're on every board.

Speaker 2 It's a good day.

Speaker 2 Every act of violence, you're pro to baseball. I'm 100%.

Speaker 2 I'm pro to baseball. I'm also professional.
I'm on Trump's birthday.

Speaker 2 And flag day.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm anti-baseball. I didn't even know there was a UPS one.
Yeah, the UPS one just happened. Isn't that kind of like hack the going postal? Oh, there's a shooting of the Barkley.
center.

Speaker 2 That's a shitty job. Actually, you know what? It's not.
UPS guys are Teamsters, and even the dickheads is standing around. It's not bad.
They make

Speaker 2 fucking $18 an hour, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we had a family friend who was a pilot for UPS, and he was fucking loaded. A pilot? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What, postal workers? I would love to be a mailman on my shit. You're not Teamsters.
That shit would be tight. You get little shorts.
You have to walk around all fucking day, little party.

Speaker 2 You got to do a shit ton of squats, though, because if you're squatting. Imagine Adam's legs going around.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with my legs? Yeah, Adam has horrible little bitch-ass legs.

Speaker 2 Or at least I have hair on my legs. I have hair.
First of all, Stop's a hair. You barely have hair legs.
That's not why that medical inside the fat hair is

Speaker 2 just

Speaker 2 sucked in, like the end of a piece of spaghetti into a mouth.

Speaker 2 It's like when there's still little pieces of feathers on chicken fat. You know what I mean? Oh, that's the worst.

Speaker 2 I have beautiful fucking games. You actually do have really powerful legs, good muscular legs.
It's no wonder why you have really powerful legs.

Speaker 2 How many fat guys have you seen with skinny legs, bitch? No.

Speaker 2 A lot. A lot have skinny halves.

Speaker 2 I'm an athletic specimen. And that's what.
And you're. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I agree. You have nice legs.
And so do I, and so does Nick.

Speaker 2 You have horrible legs. Why? Why? I thought we were the nice leg boys.
No.

Speaker 2 He has okay legs, but he works on them. You, you have entitlement.
You think.

Speaker 2 I don't have. I wish my calves were bigger.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's one of the

Speaker 2 most embarrassing things.

Speaker 2 It's a good

Speaker 2 throughout this life

Speaker 2 without meaty calves.

Speaker 2 That was Mill House's thing in that future episode where Lisa is marrying that British guy. Mill House gets jacked and he can't get his calves going.

Speaker 2 Your future Mill House, bitch.

Speaker 2 Damn. And your present Mill House.
I'm just saving up for the implants. No, no, my legs are nice, but I just

Speaker 2 choose to sit. You are kind of the Lisa Simpson of the podcast.
Why? Because I'm good with you. Because Lisa was a saxophone? Yeah, because you like chime in with some bullshit.

Speaker 2 What do you mean some bullshit? The worst character on the show. Lisa's the worst.
I'm the best. I'm Homer.
You're the AJ Soprano of our podcast. No, I'm not.
I'm

Speaker 2 Tony.

Speaker 2 I'm Tony Soprano.

Speaker 2 You're the girl from Gilligan that we talked about last week that they all fuck.

Speaker 2 Not the hot one, the other one. And Nick is Homer.
Yeah, that's the funny ass. I'm Tony's a friend.
Nick is Homer. And you're the brute.
You're Lisa's Island.

Speaker 2 You're Lisa from Gilligan's Island. That's not true at all.
I reject that. I reject all of that.

Speaker 2 Nick, you can't be Homer. Homer's never been rude to anyone ever.
What? He's not rude. So, are you is that a serious name? It's serious.
You don't think he's Homer? Who the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Who's he rude to? Literally everybody. Flanders? He has no song.

Speaker 2 Flanders is the nicest guy guy in the world and he's a piece of shit in the world. No, Flanders.
Homer's never been rude. That's like a central part of the character.

Speaker 2 He doesn't mean to be. He's fucking stupid.
Well, yeah. He has no social graces.
But Nick is on purpose. I've literally modeled my personality after Homer Simpson.
No, you haven't. Yes, I have.

Speaker 2 Someone who's rude and doesn't understand why he's being rude.

Speaker 2 That doesn't remind you of anyone in this fucking room right now. Okay, Nick, you're up.

Speaker 2 And you're Lisa. Why am I Lisa? She's smart.
She's good at it. You're Lisa if she wasn't smart.
She has Liberty Spike.

Speaker 2 That's one of my favorite jokes I would get back to Mill House is when someone calls Mill House a nerd and he's like, I'm not a nerd. Nerds are smart.

Speaker 2 And we're watching Indiana Jones. I'm the Ralph Wiggle movie.
He's making me want to revisit the hat store. Dude, we got to go back.
Indiana Jones sucks, by the way.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we had a nice day at that hat store. You know, I've tried to like these movies a million times, and they're just fucking boring.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's just fucking slow.

Speaker 2 I like the one that's racist to Asian.

Speaker 2 Who's the Asian kid in the second one? Short round. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ducker Jones. Ducker Jones.
He fucked my ass.

Speaker 2 Not now, Short Round.

Speaker 2 I don't have time to listen to your stories about getting fucked in the ass.

Speaker 2 Now that's a movie.

Speaker 2 How old is Harrison Ford? That motherfucker is still flying 70 years old. He's old.
He's 77 years old. Isn't he like always going to crashing and shit? Yeah, he's still fucking.

Speaker 2 He was fucking out of time. I'm taking my private plane to Southeast Asia so I can go fuck Short Round.

Speaker 2 I forget.

Speaker 2 Pedophile Indiana Jones. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I think I did it like tweet like five or six years ago. That's when Twitter was fun.

Speaker 2 With Indiana Jones looking at Short Round's ass and he goes,

Speaker 2 This belongs in a museum.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, Short Round.

Speaker 2 Yeah, who was also

Speaker 2 Data in fucking Goonies. Oh, was he? I think so.

Speaker 2 The only Chinese movie. Was he the guy that was also in

Speaker 2 the Aiden

Speaker 2 Ringwald movie?

Speaker 2 Long Dong? Long Dong.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah, it was Jackie Chan.

Speaker 2 That's how Jackie Chan got his start.

Speaker 2 16 Candles. I'm a huge Jackie Chan fan.
No one can say anything bad about that guy to me.

Speaker 2 He's gay and he's a bitch. Please do do not say that to me.

Speaker 2 And you're actually a bigger bitch than him. If Jackie Chan, although you know what? You know what? That fucking cartoon.
I love that fucking card. Yeah, Jackie Chan Adventures.

Speaker 2 Jackie Chan Adventures is good. He's his niece.
Yeah. Because he's so good.
Jackie Chan reproduces asexually. That's right.
That's why he doesn't look like he's aged.

Speaker 2 We're actually on Jackie number seven.

Speaker 2 He just lays an egg and then a smaller Jackie Chan comes out of it. And eventually, when they reach the same height, five foot two, they replace the old Jackie Chan with the new one.
Whatever.

Speaker 2 All those Jackies do their own stunts, dude. Yeah.
Dude, wasn't he also in porn? Him and Stallone did porn before they got famous, right? Stallone did soft porn.

Speaker 2 That's 100% true. Jackie Channel.
Where did you get that from? I think he did.

Speaker 2 He and Ceeze, didn't he? Huh?

Speaker 2 Locky, Locky Balboa. Locky, there we go.
Yeah, Barboa, dude. Come on.
Fit it, dude. Come on.
Dot all your eyes and cross all your T's, dude. That was great.

Speaker 2 Pull all your I's back and cross all your lawns.

Speaker 2 And get all your green T's.

Speaker 2 Your Oolong T's.

Speaker 2 Did, what's his name? Vin Diesel do gay porn or something? Didn't something like that? Yeah. Well, it was a hobby, like, privately, aside from all the fast and the furious movies.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he did gay porn the way you do gay porn. Yeah.
I know that Stallone was like living

Speaker 2 all the time. He was home for sexual gratification.
He was home at

Speaker 2 the Port Authority bus station. Yeah, I've seen that viral video.
He had to sell his dog or whatever. And he saw that for a softcore porn.
Yeah. He's buying dogs from homeless people.
I know, I know.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Who the fuck bought it? That story is that dog died and he didn't want to say he had his dog killed.
Man, I watched The Founder the other night. What's that about? It's about

Speaker 2 Ray Kroc.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that was on the plane. I didn't watch it.
The founder of Crocs? Yeah, he founded, yeah.

Speaker 2 The mic was made by Mario. It was funny.
There is a scene in the movie where he's like, he's like, why he went with McDonald's? He's like, that's such a great name.

Speaker 2 Who's going to buy something called Croc?

Speaker 2 That's a fun little dig at that dumbass shoe. Was it good?

Speaker 2 It was all right, I guess. Didn't he like fuck someone over? Isn't that funny? Yeah, he fucked everyone over.
Nice. He didn't invent anything.
Nice.

Speaker 2 But it's like, we were arguing about it the other night.

Speaker 2 That's not even a unique story in American business. Yeah, that's every successful business.
Pretty much. Yeah, dude.
Microsoft was entirely like just Bill Gates. The Winklevosses, right?

Speaker 2 The Winklevosses. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Winkle Vosses invented Microsoft,

Speaker 2 and Bill Gates stole the idea from him. Yeah, well, when you have such a fucking charismatic fucking frontman as Bill Gates, imagine being such a nerd to do that.
Dude, Bill Gates out charisma you.

Speaker 2 He didn't out charisma. What he did is he bought

Speaker 2 the operating system that was DOS, rebranded it, and then fucking

Speaker 2 sold, licensed it to IBM rather than just giving it to them to use on all their machines.

Speaker 2 And then when other companies started making IBM clones, like he was able to, you know, which I think was already happening prior to DOS being big, but he was able to license it to all those different companies.

Speaker 2 What did DOS stand for?

Speaker 2 Dick Sucking Lips. Nice.
Dick's on Suck Mand.

Speaker 2 Like, command.

Speaker 2 That's chill. I watched the

Speaker 2 fucking Logan movie on the plane. Logan, yes.
And the Oasis documentary. And the Oasis documentary was hilarious.
Yeah. Yeah, they're like such bad boys.
They're like doing like hard drugs and stuff.

Speaker 2 And their music just sounds so gay.

Speaker 2 They're just like doing crystal method. Like, I fucking hate my brother.
Like, yeah, it was so funny. Those guys are hilarious.
You can all get sucked off in the meadow. Yeah.
In a shade.

Speaker 2 I've only heard Closing Time. That's the only Oasis.
That's Eagle Eye Cherry.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, that's not. That's...
Is it? No, it's not Eagle Eye Cherry. Who is that? Buck Cherry? Well, it's not Buck Cherry.
Yeah, it's Buck Cherry.

Speaker 2 That's going to be my father-daughter dancing my daughter's wife. Crazy, crazy bitch.

Speaker 2 Who is Closing Time?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 fastball? No, that's The Road. Tom Petty and The Hardbreaker.
Come on, dude. Closing Time.
No, it's a one-hit wonder. Tom Petty and the Dick Suckers.

Speaker 2 Your knowledge of music,

Speaker 2 you listen to what an uncle listens to. No, I don't.
I don't listen to that shit. He likes rap.
Oh, yeah. I listen to rap.

Speaker 2 It was Yo Gani.

Speaker 2 Who wrote Closing Time? That's crazy that none of us know. Damn.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Turn I Blind? No. No.

Speaker 2 I don't fucking know. It's some gay ass band.
Yeah. I mean, that song sucks.

Speaker 2 The fuck is like listening to Closing Time. It's a gimmick song.

Speaker 2 Put on.

Speaker 2 He literally wrote it like, maybe they'll put this on at closing time. Yeah.
And we can get those fucking

Speaker 2 ass cap fees

Speaker 2 when restaurants play as bullshit.

Speaker 2 Fuck up.

Speaker 2 I'm really upset right now. Yeah, there's like a I'm taking a cab in New York City

Speaker 2 and it's you know, please tip your driver.

Speaker 2 That's my rock song that I came up with.

Speaker 2 Every new begin ending is

Speaker 2 another motherfucker's cock.

Speaker 2 That's good. You know?

Speaker 2 I've heard the song maybe.

Speaker 2 I know who I want to suck me off.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Have you ever fucked at closing time, Adam? Like a Hail Mary, throwing a Hail Mary at closing time from the bar? From the bar. No, that's not how I fool girls into having sex with you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've never fucked off a bar. Yeah.
Nicholas? I have once or twice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, once or or once. In Austin? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the only place you can really do that.

Speaker 2 It's got to be somewhere like

Speaker 2 Austin. That's the only thing in the city.
In New York, you do it too. Oh, yeah, sure.
I guess I don't drink here. Yeah, exactly.
I kind of stopped drinking, too.

Speaker 2 Drinking really helps you just kind of like

Speaker 2 fill in the gaps that your personality and fucking nerve

Speaker 2 fall short at. Yeah, it is sort of like a stain you can pour over the poorest surface of your psyche and just let it fill in all the gaps.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 You're just fucking, you're just putting your arm around fucking bitches, grabbing titties and shit. Yeah, you're becoming

Speaker 2 consensually. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You rape.

Speaker 2 You got me. That's the beer assaulting.

Speaker 2 No, it's a fun time. You're getting your dick grabbed by drunk women, which happens to me all the time.
Really? Oh, yeah. The only people that have ever been.
Yeah, I feel like

Speaker 2 people don't think that you have boundaries. Right, it's true.
You're like, oh, look how fat he is. He must be comfortable with his body.
I can just touch him and do whatever I want. I know.

Speaker 2 People, they touch like bald people's heads and shit. Absolutely.
Imagine doing that to a fat woman. Just kind of like, oh, oink, oink, oink, go, goink, go.

Speaker 2 Look how brave you are.

Speaker 2 Just on the bus.

Speaker 2 How many purple hearts do you have, ma'am? Do people expect fat men to be happy?

Speaker 2 Is that like a... Oh, everyone wants like a stereotype? Everyone wants a jolly fat guy.
No one wants a... it's it was a struggle, dude.
You don't really see that. No, I was a moody fat guy.

Speaker 2 I was a moody fat boy, but society fucking molded me into a battle. Yeah, but if you can be a moody fat boy, you just have to be like into insane clown posse.
Oh, you shouldn't do that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to do like face makeup if you're a moody fat boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have a lot of hand gestures. Absolutely.
A lot of doing.

Speaker 2 Or be a wigger. Be like an angry, fat, white guy wigger.
Yeah. Yeah, but those guys all think they're hot.
Violent J.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Big J.

Speaker 2 Violent Jay Ogerson?

Speaker 2 Wow, how did that take us that long? That was Kylan Jay Ogerson. That was good.

Speaker 2 Someone get that Photoshop going.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no,

Speaker 2 I definitely went into the fucking job. Oh, these fucking special effects suck dick.
I've never seen this part. It's good for like the 80s.
I guess, but it ain't the 80s no more, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm not trying to watch George Mike and Play Center. You know what I'm saying? What movies that are all about, dude?

Speaker 2 I want fucking computer graphics in all my movies. Blade Royale.
Tree of Lifeless. start with

Speaker 2 garbage. This part is all with anime.
What older movies?

Speaker 2 Actually, these little lightning bolts are kind of tight. Yeah, it's cool.
I do fuck with this.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit, let's watch the guy's face melt. Yeah, let's go.
Let's do the podcast and say,

Speaker 2 all right, yo, what older. This is a good question.
What older movies, like, from the 80s, look good still? Like, what? Blade Runner? Blade Runner. I was about to say.
Awesome.

Speaker 2 Blade Runner still looks good. I saw the original.
Yeah, Star Wars looks good. It does.
It does. The Adventures of Ford Fairline.
Do you guys know that movie? It's the Andrew Dice Clay movie.

Speaker 2 Dude, it's like a fucking Rockabilly Andrew Dice Clay movie. Wow.
He's a great actor.

Speaker 2 Dude, have we talked about the show? Wait, is there special effects in that movie? Did you just mention it because it's Dice? It's a movie.

Speaker 2 Because I don't know that movie is a movie. It's like the only movie you've seen that me and Adam haven't seen.
I haven't seen it. It's not because it's an Andrew Dice Clay movie.
I haven't seen it.

Speaker 2 I've seen like 30% of it.

Speaker 2 I couldn't get a good stream. Saab, you are a cinephile.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dropping these criterion collections. Let's see, what have I seen from the 80s? Do you call it Criterion?

Speaker 2 Criterion.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 That's not what you said the first time. Dude, I know I do.
A league of their own. Is that the 80s? Yeah.
What? There's no special effects in there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they had to Photoshop. It was all men playing.

Speaker 2 They had to photoshop women's faces. Just men and Rosie.
Yeah, just men and Rosie.

Speaker 2 Dude, she's made for soft movies. Have you seen Riding the Bus with My Sister? No.
The Rosie O'Donnell movie where she plays a mentally retarded one. Oh, yeah.
And it's like offensive. That's awesome.

Speaker 2 To me, as somebody that is an advocate for that community, I was like mortified when I saw it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she does this weird voice. She's like, we're going to the store to buy a new toilet seat.

Speaker 2 I remember darn people talk like cartoon dogs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 This is a dog wearing overalls.

Speaker 2 We got to go to the store.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's really bad.

Speaker 2 And you watch it and you're like, fuck, this must have been like early in her career. And it's from like 2007.
Oh, yeah. It's from like way later than that.
It's the post-Rosie O'Donnell show.

Speaker 2 It's like much later than you thought it was. The Rosie Show, bitch.
My favorite. I love that as a comeback concept for her, that she's going to go tarred.
Yeah. That was my shit.

Speaker 2 That was my post-that was my after-school viewing. Was that fucking Rosie O'Donnell show? I know you've seen it.
The koosh balls. It's so funny.
Fuck you. You were sad when you found out she was gay.

Speaker 2 I was religious as a little kid.

Speaker 2 Prayed for her. Did you want to marry Rosie O'Donnell? Huh? I remember being sad when I found out Nathan Lane was gay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh no.

Speaker 2 But he's such a nice guy.

Speaker 2 He's also like the gayest. He's the gayest man of all time.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 half the movies he's in. He's gay as hell.
Right, yeah. No, is it funny?

Speaker 2 It's like a kid, you don't know what gay is, so there's like guys you just think that are like good at entertaining children, like Tim Curry or Mr. Rogers or, you know, Barney, the dinosaurs game.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
For sure. Do you remember that rumor? The purple teletubby? That rumor about Steve from Blues Clues that he like raped a kid and they had to get rid of him?

Speaker 2 No, he just lost his hair. No, he had a one-man show for a while.
Yeah. And he recorded an album.
It's like not true. But I remember everyone was like, dude, that guy, Steve, from Blues Clues.

Speaker 2 But he was on drugs or some shit, right? No, yeah, that's right. He became a heroin actor.
And he went bald, dude. Yeah, yeah.
There's plenty of old movies that look great. Poor boy.

Speaker 2 In fact, it's still bad for guys to go bald. Increasingly shot on like digital rather than film.

Speaker 2 It looks a lot better. It's going to look much better because they're going to start doing like better rescans of old film.

Speaker 2 The Sting.

Speaker 2 The Sting is like one of the best movies. That fucking movie rules.
Yeah, it's a great movie. I've seen it, and it rules.
Yeah. Have not seen Bushcassian The Sundance Kid, though.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Well, Sting is good enough. You know?

Speaker 2 Sting in the movie. The streamer.
The wrestler.

Speaker 2 Not the musician. He's terrible.
He's the worst one of all this by far. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are there any other sucks?

Speaker 2 The police are a really fucking bad band. Roxan!

Speaker 2 You don't have to suck off my hard dick. The only good police song is the suck off my hard dick.
The yale yale song. Yeah.
No, that's that's that's that's desert rose from the Jaguar commercial.

Speaker 2 That was big when I went to Greece and like Desert Rose. Oh, hell yeah.
When I was a little, I was a little kid and I went to Greece and I was I was bumping that shit, dude.

Speaker 2 Riding up winding Greek roads with no fucking, they got no fucking.

Speaker 2 We should all move to Greece. I'm going.
You got motherfuckers should come, dude. I'm going for a couple weeks in

Speaker 2 multiplicity. I love that movie.
Multiplicity? I've never seen it. Michael Keaton.
As a retard. He also plays a retard.
No, he's not retarded. He clones himself.
One of the clones is retarded.

Speaker 2 He's retarded.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 And they set that up in the movie. They're like, now be careful.
If you clone a clone, it'll be retarded. And then it's like, I wonder if that's going to happen at some point in this movie.

Speaker 2 I think he's one of the all-time coolest guys. Keaton Rules.

Speaker 2 He was a stand-up. Yeah, he was.
From Pittsburgh. Because he had a holding deal, and

Speaker 2 whoever the fuck he was with wasn't putting him in any movies, so he started doing stand-up, and he was good at it. And they let him be Batman.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 He's a comic that they're doing. I love that guy.
Batman.

Speaker 2 I love him so much. I'm like the Michael Keaton of the group.
Nah, it's me. I'm the Michael Keaton.
You're like the real Val Kilmer.

Speaker 2 You're Val Kilmer. I'm Michael Keaton.
No, I'm Michael Keaton. I'm also Val Kilmer.
I would be. Val Kilmer, I think, is

Speaker 2 a fucking special talent. I think he's a genius.
I think he's amazing. Are you trolling? No, I'm serious.
In what sense is he...

Speaker 2 I think he's... I think think he's incredible in everything.

Speaker 2 Movies. He's good.
I think he's great in everything. The Saints.
One of the greatest movies in my life. I love that movie.
I've never seen that. I've seen that movie.

Speaker 2 This guy is like a thief that uses all the different names of the saints as cover identities. It's a bad movie, but he's

Speaker 2 also, those names are the most common names of all time. My name is Santa Claus.

Speaker 2 I don't know where the diamonds are.

Speaker 2 You have to get through Matthew, John, Luke, and the other ones. I think he's a special being touched by God.
I don't know. Seriously.
I don't know, Chief.

Speaker 2 Some guy who said his name was Thomas Aquinas

Speaker 2 said he needed to hold the bank's money.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude, he was in Magruber. He was great in Magruber.
Which is the slept on

Speaker 2 one of the funniest movies of the last 10 years. Maggruver's funny.
You don't give it enough credit. Right.

Speaker 2 All the movies that those guys have done, I think, are fucking awesome. I agree.
The Lonely Island guys. I agree.
Hot Rod was fucking awesome.

Speaker 2 ever fuck with the website, the Lonely Island website? Before Andy Sandler was on SNL, I used to fuck with that shit. Well they had a pilot that is now online.
You can see that called Awesome Town.

Speaker 2 I remember in college we'd watch that at a bar. I don't remember that.
My name is Yorma Motherfucker, the sensitive one.

Speaker 2 Break your motherfucking face with the butt of my gun. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rip off your arms and slab you.

Speaker 2 Pull out my dick and fuck your ass with them. Something like that.
I don't know. I like those guys because they're like very much, I feel like, sort of similar to me as like Sandler kids.

Speaker 2 They're Jews. No, no.
People that grew up on Sandler. You're like, if you were funny.
You don't mean Jews. They're like, if you were funny, is what you're saying.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if I was funny, if you had any comedic talent. Yeah, if I had good timing

Speaker 2 and funny jokes and friends that were supportive of my ideas. You had two friends that you had a successful creative endeavor.
You're doing with.

Speaker 2 What ideas are we supposed to be supportive of? All of my ideas.

Speaker 2 I've named one. Pitch one.
Alright, let's do this. This will be a pitch meeting.
Name one idea that isn't just you stealing something from somebody.

Speaker 2 You couldn't even get through it. Stop that.
You stop that right now. Pitch.
Go ahead. Pitch.
Pitch what? Pitch. Pitch an idea.
I don't want to say it on the pod because people are going to take it.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's one. We're all fucking centaurs.
Okay. Okay.
That's a good idea.

Speaker 2 Your horse dies, PETA, comes for your lower half because you're abusing it with your fucking torso.

Speaker 2 You go to jail for animal abuse. I got an idea.
Yeah, and you guys got to break me out. Yeah.
I got an idea. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm a kid that grew up like super poor, right? Like one of the poorest kids

Speaker 2 in the country. Are you a janitor or something, and you do a fucking math problem? Is this what you're going to do? No, you're going to take the plot of something else.
Stop.

Speaker 2 And his toys come to life when he's not around.

Speaker 2 And he goes to college and his toys have to go to life. Oh, my God.
Can I just pitch my idea? It's called Toy Story.

Speaker 2 Has anyone done that? What are some other things? And you've got an old wooden dreidel that's your favorite

Speaker 2 cowboy dreidel. Befriend Dan Deacon and

Speaker 2 I'm coming from Dreidel.

Speaker 2 You asked me to do something. Maybe he's himself on Adult Screen.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 you're the poorest kid in the world.

Speaker 2 One of the poorest kids in the country. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 I get to go on who wants to be a millionaire. Okay.
So you're literally. All the questions make me think of stories for my life.
Okay, Slum Dog Millionaire. We got it.

Speaker 2 You're doing exactly what we said.

Speaker 2 I've never heard of it. Didn't you talk about Slum Dog Millionaire last time? I don't know.

Speaker 2 We thought that was a movie about Indians dancing. They danced in there.
That was a very confusing movie for me.

Speaker 2 Hey, at the boogie, do you guys remember Punjabi MC? I don't know if I've seen Slum Dog Millionaire.

Speaker 2 Do they blind children in that movie? No, he's like an untouchable. What's the Indian movie where they pour boiling water in children's eyes? Aladdin.
Yeah, it is Aladdin. I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's the movie I saw, and I thought it was Slum Dog Millionaire. Is that a real movie? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 There's like these Indian street kids, and people will snatch them up and they put them with boiling water in their fucking eyeballs. Life of Pie? No.

Speaker 2 What other Indian movies are there? Shit.

Speaker 2 Bollywood? Yeah, like. I seriously thought that was Slum Dog Millionaire.
You did? It's about a call center.

Speaker 2 There's a bunch of people people that work in a call center, and there's Indian kids getting their eyes pulled.

Speaker 2 Nah, that's not it.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's my own original idea. It's much better than that.
Hey, now we're doing it. Now we got it.
No, it's not original, dude. That was Brandon's idea, actually.
That's good.

Speaker 2 I got one. Okay.

Speaker 2 Hit us. Okay.

Speaker 2 You guys ready for this? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Alright.
There's a.

Speaker 2 I play like a New York City cab driver. Okay.
Right? Mm-hmm. I'm just sick of all of you.
Are you foreign? Are you foreign? Do you say that? Thank you very much. No, I'm like an Italian kind of guy.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
I'm just sick of all that. How about here's a it's it's a it's a it's a

Speaker 2 bio paper about Adam's life. Ernest Borgnine blaze Adam.
He goes to jail for raping an eight-year-old Korean girl. And while in prison, while being violently sodomized as payback,

Speaker 2 he befriends a Muslim guy

Speaker 2 and then they try and solve Israel-Palestine from prison

Speaker 2 by being gay with each other. But it turns out the guy was a terrorist all along.
Yeah, and it's the guy from the night of

Speaker 2 Rez. Rez on dead.
The problem is that Ernest Borknine has a no-gay sex clause in its contract.

Speaker 2 So you get a double. Yeah.
You get an Ernest Kayline. If we can't get Borgnine, who do we get to play Adam? Someone can.
Oh, he's probably.

Speaker 2 He's Fival Finkelstein.

Speaker 2 Is he alive still? Five-ish. Five-ish.
Five-ish. Five-ish Finkelstein.
Five-ish Finkel, I think. Five-ish Finkel.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we get Five-ish. He could play Adam.

Speaker 2 Was he in the Munsters?

Speaker 2 If someone were to play me, it would probably be the guy, Chris Moltasanti, that guy.

Speaker 2 Michael Imperioli. Michael Imperioli.
No.

Speaker 2 Nick was saying, actually, when we were watching

Speaker 2 Sopranos the other day, he was saying something incredibly woke, which is like, look at how big Michael Imperioli's nose is.

Speaker 2 Why do we have to say that about Jews when there are all types of people with big noses? No,

Speaker 2 when I said Italian, why Italians, sir, have the biggest schnaze.

Speaker 2 There are all bigger. This is old school racist.
He was counting Italians as a different race. What I said literally was, Italians are worse than Jews

Speaker 2 when it comes to that. There's nothing woke about that statement at all.
Thank you

Speaker 2 for saying I'm not the worst, and I appreciate that. Also, I don't know, pound for pound, nose for nose, I think Jews still

Speaker 2 fuck. It's Italians.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of little-nosed Italians, though. I don't see a lot of little-nosed Jews.
Yes, there are. There are plenty.
I don't think so. Yes, there are.

Speaker 2 Name one.

Speaker 2 I know, like, a bunch. Name one.
Yeah, but you just go by. Sarah Goldberg.
Sarah Goldberg. Yeah.
Rachel

Speaker 2 Bergman.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure that woman who got her face chewed off by that chimpanzee was Jewish. That's why the nose attracted her.
She doesn't even have a nose anymore. Oh, that's true.
All right, you get her.

Speaker 2 I'll give you her.

Speaker 2 That counts.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 What a dumb story. What a hilarious, dumb story.
I mean, what the fuck kind of dumb bitch are you? You're going to fucking bring a chimp into your home?

Speaker 2 Dumb, wild animal. Wasn't it her friend's chimp? She was friends with the woman who owned the chimp.
I thought it was the woman who owned the chimp. No, it was.

Speaker 2 Either way, you're hanging out with a fucking chimp like

Speaker 2 it's your friend and not a a wild animal. I think in popular culture, chimps are presented as nice.
But in real life, they're really mean. And they're strong.

Speaker 2 They're super strong. Now who's unwoke? Yeah.
I'm just saying I don't trust them. Yeah, very funny.
I'm not saying that as a joke. Oh, wait.
Wait, we all know who you're talking about, dude.

Speaker 2 I get it. Yeah, I was talking about the animal, but your tone, Adam, is kind of weird, dude.
What do you mean by tone? We know what you mean.

Speaker 2 I was talking about literal chimps, and you

Speaker 2 were winking every time you said you. You keep winking.
I don't understand.

Speaker 2 Why is that? That do-rag on the bag on the floor. Yeah, pointing.

Speaker 2 Our secret signal. What I call the silent alarm of racism.

Speaker 2 Silent alarm.

Speaker 2 Fuck, we should just have a bunch.

Speaker 2 Is that racist if you just carry around little artifacts? Like a little gong, a little dreidel, just point to them when you want to say something racist about him. I don't know.
Is that racist?

Speaker 2 I don't know, guys. I don't know.

Speaker 2 They should rebrand Lucky Charms as like a racist cereal.

Speaker 2 And all the marshmallows should be like different.

Speaker 2 I love it. Like, you know, like a fucking little blackface guy.
A swastika. Yeah, a swastika.
That'd be cool. For kids.

Speaker 2 Well, to learn about heritage. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's history, baby.

Speaker 2 You should also draw a dick on Tony the Tiger. That's another change I would make if I was General Mills.
To draw a dick as a graffiti to deface him or can't be a fan of the family.

Speaker 2 No, he should have a realistic penis, a flaccid penis, obviously.

Speaker 2 And the tip of it is blue.

Speaker 2 I'm sure it's on DeviantArt. It definitely is.
Of course, it is. I'm sure.
That's the only reason I'm thinking about it. We've all seen it.
You've seen it.

Speaker 2 I've sent it to the chat numerous times. We've talked about this.
The three of us have talked about it. When?

Speaker 2 Oh, it looks like you're talking about it. There's no joke about it that you can steal.
I received text messages. And you know what I like the most about the text messages? The respect.

Speaker 2 Now the respect from the podcast carries over to the text messages.

Speaker 2 Where's your boyfriend, Val Kilmer, on the TV? I'm a

Speaker 2 generation. The greatest actor of our generation.
I really think

Speaker 2 that I'm sorry. You can't convince me otherwise.
I think he's one of the greatest actors in the world. He's fine.
No, I disagree. And he was hot back in the day.
I think he was a man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was a beautiful man. Yeah, he's sexy, but look how incredible looking he is.
That is a movie star right there. Yeah.
That guy kind of looks like Schneider.

Speaker 2 Him and Sebastian Bach, the two most beautiful guys.

Speaker 2 What was the name of that man, Skid Row? Skid Row.

Speaker 2 Oh, what was that? Why? Who said bang? Shoot him up. Yeah.
How's he going to fucking have that name, dude? Skid Row, dude. Sebastian Bach.
He's Canadian, isn't he?

Speaker 2 I have no idea.

Speaker 2 They had a couple good hits. What was the fucking.

Speaker 2 There's the one where it's like. Amadeus Mozart.
No.

Speaker 2 The one where

Speaker 2 the kid fucks up. I don't know.
The narrative is a 18 or a 18 in life.

Speaker 2 That's a big one. That's a good one.
And then they had

Speaker 2 slower one of those

Speaker 2 power ballads. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I didn't listen to much of that. I was listening to more of Joan Bazaar.
It sucks. I don't know why they fucking

Speaker 2 do that shit. I love that shit, dude.
Like, fuck that. That music was the worst.
It was like Queen's Reich. I never fucked with Queen's Reich.
I like some Molly Crew, though.

Speaker 2 Well, it was all because of Priest and Early Molly Crew rules. No, Judas Priest is good.
No, Maiden and Priest were good, and then everyone tried to rip it off. Iron Maiden's whatever.
Maiden rules.

Speaker 2 Hair metal is a different category.

Speaker 2 You're confusing the new wave of British heavy metal with hair metal. Well, I think that's what the two kinds of labels are.
No, labels are.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You know what movie captures

Speaker 2 that scene really well is fucking Airheads. Do you ever see that movie?

Speaker 2 I loved Airheads when I was a kid. I hate to watch that.

Speaker 2 I would watch. No, not on Comedy Central.
I had a tank from Blockbuster on VHS, and I would fucking watch that movie every single day. It's incredible.
Bouchemis in it, dude. It's really weird.

Speaker 2 I don't remember if it holds up, but I loved it as a child. And it's really weird that.
Adam Sandler was a fan of the story. It was before Sandler was like a star.

Speaker 2 And Brandon Fraser. Brandon Frazier.
It was before Sandler was like. And Kramer.
Yes,

Speaker 2 Kramer is stuck in a van. He's a shit.
The whole movie. The whole movie.
Dude Kramer shit. Just doing fucking physical comedy, no N-words.
Was he ever... Did he...

Speaker 2 Anything other than Seinfeld, did he fucking have a... Yeah, he had his own show, The Michael Sanders.
I remember that. That sucked.

Speaker 2 But I mean, like, was there, because that was a good role for him, because he's just doing crazy. Yeah, he was in a couple of other movies.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just, oh, yeah, he was in that movie, that Weird Al movie, right?

Speaker 2 UHF. UHF.

Speaker 2 That's good. I know I don't fuck with Weird Al's UHC,

Speaker 2 but that movie was just a little bit more. Oh, no.
Fuck off, dude. Weird Al's tight.

Speaker 2 Whatever, dude. I used to love that shit, dude.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. The point is.
He was mad because of that fat song. I am mad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you probably loved Weird Al and then that song came out and you were like,

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 come on, man.

Speaker 2 Mr. Yankee.
She doesn't angrily write a letter. First letter I wrote.

Speaker 2 You're shoving them all down your mouth. Didn't Coolio get mad at him about Amish Paradise? Yeah.
Probably. He's like, this is a serious song about like

Speaker 2 gangster paradise. About gangsters.
Filled with a bunch of warning do-rags on the floor.

Speaker 2 Where did that come from? I don't know. It's a weird thing.
I just said it. That's so was being racist.
That's such a weird thing to think of. It is a weird thing to think of.

Speaker 2 You should probably remember it and then forget where you.

Speaker 2 You should bring it up in two podcasts. Yes.
Stop it. Stop it right now.
Stop tarnishing my name. I can't wait till you say

Speaker 2 cocoa butter on the floor that you can. Oh, my dude.
The character assassination

Speaker 2 greatest comedy show of all time

Speaker 2 on June 20th.

Speaker 2 I'm going to wear a fucking shitty Williamsburg bar. Where is it? What's it called? I don't know, dude.
Can you stop it? No. Can you stop it? No, dude.
I'm fucking Negativity Central. Whatever.

Speaker 2 Who gives a shit? I don't care. I don't give a shit either.

Speaker 2 What the fuck were we just talking about? I mean, you're supposed to get old and be bitter, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you're like 23 years old. We're not that old.
Oh, by the way, to the host. But I'm HIV positive.

Speaker 2 Yo, follow me on Instagram. I'm shaved off.
Oh, yeah. Stoppy baby.
I'm a sexy bug. Stoppy baby, too.
Follow your boy. I'm back in the back.
Oh, then I'm back and Smack. It ain't a gimmick, it's art.

Speaker 2 You know what, man? The best thing that ever happened

Speaker 2 having that account shut down. No.

Speaker 2 Listen, we can shit on Adam's dumb things that are going on in his life, but this is

Speaker 2 my shit. At least I'm not trying to.
I'm not pigeon-holing yourself.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be a model, dude. You're not going to stop me.
I'm going to be a plus-size model. I'm going to be on fucking magazines.
That was like fat juice. What if you lose weight? No.

Speaker 2 I can lose weight. I'll still be losing it.
No, you can't do it anymore if you're healthy. Wow, all bodies are beautiful, Adam.

Speaker 2 Apparently, not mine. You guys were shitting on my legs earlier.
All bodies except yours and your body. I have a very nice tone for your little ass fucking toothpick legs.

Speaker 2 I have nice legs and I just choose to sit gayly with them. No.

Speaker 2 No, you don't. Yes, I do.
And it's a choice. It's a neurological choice.

Speaker 2 Like being gay. What?

Speaker 2 Anyway, you are sitting in a hilarious position right now. Adam is presenting his asshole to me.

Speaker 2 I remember being a kid and knowing that it was wrong to sit that way

Speaker 2 on your side with your legs folded up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would never be caught dead doing that. What about this? That's fine.
Now you look alpha.

Speaker 2 That's like

Speaker 2 a Moroccan businessman from the lounge.

Speaker 2 My friend, please come here to look at me, please. I used to think when I was a kid.

Speaker 2 We have a big pipe to smoke together. What do they do in Morocco? I know they don't drink.
They smoke hooks. They got spicy foods.
They pack mad hooks, dude. They taste spices.

Speaker 2 My friend, please sweet here to taste spice here in Korean. Please, you come here to taste spice with me.

Speaker 2 Maracas fly on my carpet. They wear little fezes, dude.
Yeah, they wear pork. Fezu and Fez.

Speaker 2 The home of the Fez. That's where Zidane is from.
Zidane's Moroccan, Zinedine. Yeah, but he plays for France.

Speaker 2 I love how the French soccer team is just really good African dudes from French-speaking African countries.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then people are like, oh, colonialism is bad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 One negative effect. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Zinadine Zidane.

Speaker 2 Patrick Vieira.

Speaker 2 See, Don's a fucking, now he's managing. He's fucking

Speaker 2 the Champions League. Yeah, dude.
I want to start like a

Speaker 2 soccer minute to get Colonial Williamsburg shut down.

Speaker 2 I bet you could do it. I bet you could fucking get them to shut down Colonial Williamsburg.
Let's try it. He's starting off of a stink.
Or how about this?

Speaker 2 Because it's just as bad as, like, you know, heritage, not hate. Right?

Speaker 2 Colonialism is bad. Let's turn Brooklyn Williamsburg into Colonial Williamsburg.
I already made that show. Oh, my God.
When did you? When? At the beginning of the show, I did a joke. Did I? No.
When?

Speaker 2 On the podcast, at one point, I made a joke. Run the tape about

Speaker 2 how both of them are sort of Colonial Williamsburg in the middle of the day. That's a pretty obvious connection to make.
Oh, now you're shitting on the joke you tried to steal.

Speaker 2 How would I steal a joke?

Speaker 2 You fucking parasite.

Speaker 2 You've stolen from me.

Speaker 2 Both of you. I've never stolen anything from you.
Yes, you've both of you. Oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 we've both tweeted gay political shit to try and get retweeted on purpose. By the flowers.
By the flower. That's what we've stolen.
Stav stole that joke to me about

Speaker 2 being so fat that I have to pee a lot.

Speaker 2 That's my joke. That's your joke.
Yeah, and Nick stole the joke from me about

Speaker 2 Harambe.

Speaker 2 About, yeah, Dick's Out for Harambe. That meme that I started.
Yeah, we started that meme. Well, we're bringing it back, actually.
We literally should. That would be hilarious.

Speaker 2 Yo, what's up? Dick's out for Harambee.

Speaker 2 Is it long enough for it to be ironically funny? No, it's not long enough, which makes it funnier, right? No, it's too funny. Harambe will never cycle back in because it was instantly

Speaker 2 like passed through the not funny anymore phase to it's already going to be ironically funny in perpetuity. Right, right.

Speaker 2 And so like

Speaker 2 it was, it'll, it never was funny and it never will be funny. Right, right, right, right, right.
It was funny, but it will be funny. Yeah, you loved it the day it started.
Because it's not funny.

Speaker 2 Because it's not funny. It went like immediately to.
But what I'm saying is it'll be funny in terms of making Brandon mad. Oh, yeah.
To make fun of Brandon.

Speaker 2 And you're confusing me writing a good stand-up bit about a thing that happened. You have a thing in your act about it.
No, but it's not. I wrote a joke.
I mean, I can write a joke about something.

Speaker 2 It's not a mapping. It's not me thinking it's just funny that a gorilla is named Haramba.
No, but you thought that the social,

Speaker 2 the reaction to it was funny. That's what everyone was responding to.
No, I wrote a joke about it too. I'm a comedian, and that's my job.

Speaker 2 Well, okay.

Speaker 2 I wonder how much you made from that joke.

Speaker 2 $150,000. Okay, I got staying corrected.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 do you even have a fucking account at the comedian store? That's where me and Nick go, we get paid out for our books when we write them. Yeah, let's

Speaker 2 go. Let's just start listing off clubs that we've worked that we want.

Speaker 2 We'll all do it, all three of us. We're going to listen to the club.
You want to start at New York? Yeah, sure. All right.
Caroline's a good club. New York Comedy Club? Yeah, that one's good.

Speaker 2 You've never performed there, Adam. Adam, your turn? I enjoyed performing at the comedy cellar, actually.

Speaker 2 Oh, really?

Speaker 2 I was at the Village Underground. Which one were you at? I was at the main room, the Comedy Cellar.
The cellar part, actually.

Speaker 2 If anyone who listens to the show knows

Speaker 2 the people at the Comedy Cellar, feel free to tell them that Adam Friedland is going around telling people he's a past seller comedian. That's fun.
He's doing it maliciously to sully the name.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you about my night last night? Yeah. No.
No, no, go ahead.

Speaker 2 I went out. Got a slice of pizza.
Oh, cunts.

Speaker 2 We all know we're just stung.

Speaker 2 I bought a slice of pizza. You came out of the subway.
But I only ate half the pizza. Were your daughters annoying?

Speaker 2 They were cunts. My daughters are being cunts.
What about your ex-wife? I found this. My ex-wife's black.

Speaker 2 I found this YouTube video. It was either YouTube or Vine or Twitter or something.
Of the German? Yeah, there was this German guy that was like, yo, here it is. Where Louis gets the pizza on Louis.

Speaker 2 Just like videotaping West Village and screaming. That's awesome.
That place is the pizza. Minetta.

Speaker 2 What's the place called?

Speaker 2 I don't know. But it's right on the corner.
Yeah, it's right on the corner. It's like Ben's or some shit.
Yeah, yeah, that's it. They got a good grandma slice.
Yeah, it is good.

Speaker 2 They have a fucking sign that says it says like artichoke spicial.

Speaker 2 Yes. Spells special, S-P-I-C-I-A-L.
Yes. But there is an artichoke by there.
Artichoke pizzas. Yeah.
Fuck artichoke pizza. Artichoke choke pizza sucks, dude.
It's not New York style. It's creamy.

Speaker 2 It isn't, no. And the bread is all fucking thick.
It's thick. Yeah.
That's bullshit. I like a thin crust.
Nice thin crust. Nice little thin crust.

Speaker 2 I like a

Speaker 2 Chicago-style fork and knife kind of pizza.

Speaker 2 What if we open one of those? A real pie.

Speaker 2 A real pie. You know, though, I will say, Pizza Hut has some doughy-ass, delicious crust.
I agree. I have a

Speaker 2 pizzeria uno. Yeah, I remember that place.
They have one on like 73rd or something. There's one in a story, actually.
It's very close to me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've only been to a couple of them, but

Speaker 2 I like them.

Speaker 2 I'm a fan of Pizzeria Uno. Do you remember Round Table? Huh? Round Table Pizza?

Speaker 2 It was like a King Arthur-style pizza. Isn't that what Herman Kane owned? No, Godfather.
Godfather, that's right. Round table.
What does King Arthur style mean?

Speaker 2 It was just that it had a kind of a knight aesthetic. It is a pizza place, but

Speaker 2 Little Caesars. Fuck his name.
He was just named Pizza Restaurants.

Speaker 2 But $5 hot and ready, pretty good deal. When I was working at the damn paint store, I would scarf down a couple of days.
You know what? Instead of getting steaks, we should go to Pizza Hut, boys.

Speaker 2 No, dude, I'm a paleo warrior. I want to go to a pizza hut, but I haven't had a good.
You know what? I order so much good New York pizza that I haven't had a shitty pizza in a long long time.

Speaker 2 I went to the Papa John's in Chinatown one time and got a large pizza there. Yeah.
The menu's all in Chinese.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. It's just sea urchin pizza.
Yeah, it was great.

Speaker 2 I was at New York Comedy Club, again, a comedy club that I perform at. Where is that?

Speaker 2 Where is it? I just, I don't know. I'm more into the avant-garde.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Avant-garde performance spaces.
Getting booked spaces. Getting booked is hack, right? Yeah.
Is that how you feel?

Speaker 2 Well, I think. I love to be on comedy shows where the people that I consider contemporaries have never actually done stand-up.
I like to be the only. They're not even considered funny people.

Speaker 2 I like to be the only non-feminist tweet reader on a show. I like that.
That's my vibe, guys. That's my wheelhouse.

Speaker 2 But yeah, Alexis Guerreros, you know how he fucking always talks about how he loves pizza and shit? Yeah. He claimed he had never.
He first got loves every type of food.

Speaker 2 I know, but he claimed he had never seen a Papa John's pizza in his life. Never seen it.
Never seen one. And we were just neither of the rest of it.
Shut the fuck up that you've seen it.

Speaker 2 That doesn't mean you've eaten it. Anyway, Robbie slowly just bought it.

Speaker 2 I overheard Papa John's pizza. One of my favorite things about Alexis is like, I've never once interacted with that guy where food doesn't come up.
Of course, no. Ever.
Ever. Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 He's like a pizza guy. I love it, though.
I mean, I'm a gourmand myself.

Speaker 2 No, it's fine. He lives on pizza tours.
But he fucking.

Speaker 2 There was one time I was standing outside of a club and I heard him talking to somebody else and he was saying something like,

Speaker 2 oh yeah, and there's this other place a secret bakery that's not open to the public yet.

Speaker 2 Secret bakery.

Speaker 2 That's the highest level of fat guy shit. Knowing secrets just fucking obese people.

Speaker 2 Licking fucking frosting off each other's fingers.

Speaker 2 Fuck. Yeah.
But yeah, so Robbie ordered a Papa John's pizza and I had a slice for old time's sake. That was my family's pizza of choice growing up.
It was Papa John's and then later Philippo's.

Speaker 2 I didn't discover Papa John's until I was an adult. Really? My stepsisters loved Domino's.
So they would order from Domino's. Domino's sucked when we were dominant.
Domino's is the absolute worst.

Speaker 2 It still sucks. It's still a little better.
It's not good, but they would only order Domino's, and then I became an adult and I started ordering Papa John's. The app is cool.
And

Speaker 2 it's the best pizza in the world.

Speaker 2 It's a shitty pizza. Yeah, yeah.
Shitty pizza. Pizza Hut is the best.

Speaker 2 That's a different.

Speaker 2 I think that in New York, Gaddafi.

Speaker 2 Pizza Hut isn't like a. Growing up, Pizza Hut was delivery.
No, maybe in Vegas.

Speaker 2 Not in Maryland, but I think some places delivered, but it was a rarity to actually see Pizza Hut. When my family ordered Pizza Hut,

Speaker 2 we would get Pizza Hut. Well, well, well, we get it.
It's also a Pizza Hut.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure Pizza Hut doesn't work like

Speaker 2 Daddy's Pizza, Papa John's, Domino's, fucking. I've never heard of Gaddy's.

Speaker 2 They all operate on the same, like it's you go in the kitchen, it looks identical. Right, that's right, same make line.
Industrial.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and it's like a process to like, once you order the pizza, it'll be like in the oven in like four and a half minutes. Yes, they have like people from corporate that come by.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 I was actually working at Domino's when I started doing stand-up, and I like one of the first bits I did was about like the corporate inspection process of Domino's.

Speaker 2 Like, they send a fucking woman from Domino's corporate that, like, literally counts the pepperonis

Speaker 2 on the pizza. How many pepperonis? On a large?

Speaker 2 On an extra large, I think it's like 25 pepperonis or some shit. Very nice.

Speaker 2 That's quality control. It's bullshit as well.

Speaker 2 Who's fucking counting my mind?

Speaker 2 My favorite moment in all my time working in pizza was this Indian family that used to call into the Domino's and they would order a vegetarian pizza and they'd be like, and it is very important that the cutter does not use on a meat pizza also.

Speaker 2 And so it has to be a different cutter to cut the pizza. Yeah, yeah.
And I'd be like, oh, yeah, absolutely. Of course, yeah.
And then just immediately just cut right through that.

Speaker 2 Rub pepperoni on my channel. Yeah, of course.
Fuck you. Because it's not an allergy thing.
It's just stupid fucking religion. Right, right, right.
I think it's the smart religion.

Speaker 2 Personally. I think all religions are beautiful.

Speaker 2 Don't touch my PlayStation controller. Why? Get your fucking hands off of them.
I'm not touching anything. Which religion? Adam's going to come back as a toilet in India.

Speaker 2 That's what he's going to be reincarnated as. Yeah, what? Big shit-eating toilet.
I want to be reincarnated as me, but with a bigger dick. That's one of my ideas.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude. That's a badass.
That's a cool cast system. Exactly the same as me, yeah.
But big ass dick.

Speaker 2 You'll know you're reaching Nirvana when your dick is just like 14 inches long.

Speaker 2 Well, Bodhi Dharma's legs fell off because he like sat and meditated for some reason. But I think it's because his dick was so big.
So big, dude. The guy's dick harder cut off the circulation.

Speaker 2 Whose legs fell off? Bodhi Dharma. Who's that? The first Zen monk.

Speaker 2 Dharma from Dharma and Greg's dad.

Speaker 2 Actually, I've done that joke. No, you haven't.
I did episode 11. Yeah, episode 11? Yeah, if you want to run the tape.
Yeah, I'd love to run the tape. Alright, but

Speaker 2 if we run it back and you didn't do it, we get to break your glasses. Why do you get to break my glasses? Can somebody check if

Speaker 2 it has a good point?

Speaker 2 Check it. No one is.
Check and see if... In fact, I almost feel like

Speaker 2 you might have stolen a Dharma and Greg joke from one of us. It feels like you did.
When? I don't know, but it feels that way. Did you actually even watch Dharma and Greg? Because I did.
I did too.

Speaker 2 I remember it. Who was in it? Dharma and Greg.

Speaker 2 It was that guy, Eric something, that played Greg. What's the name? What was the woman's name? Nope, his name's Greg.
Not in real life. What was the woman's name? Character's name is is Greg.

Speaker 2 Jenna Elfman. All right, all right.
Jenna Elfman. It's a guy named Greg on the show and a woman named Dharma.
Oh, wow, because I just made that joke.

Speaker 2 What joke? I'm describing the show to you. He asked me what the people's name was, and I said Dharma and Greg.
And then you, 20 seconds later. No, you said it was a guy named Eric.

Speaker 2 You said Staville up here. No, that's a copy.
Oh, yo, Stav, back me up. You 100% said Eric.
He said Eric. Oh, because you're the captain.
Because you're the boss, he has to back you up. First of all,

Speaker 2 obviously he's going to back you up. Nick is a fuck, what was that? Zav is a fucking union scab.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he would not stand by my side. You're not in the union.
No, we're a union.

Speaker 2 You can't be in the union and be the boss.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you talking about? No, we're a union. You're the boss.

Speaker 2 Wait, what was your name? Pussymouth.

Speaker 2 Pussymouth. That was your nickname.
Pussymouth? Yeah, yeah. I'm big pussymouth.

Speaker 2 I'm Candy Lips. I'm big pussymouth bumping Sarah.
You know what's a great movie? What? Joyride. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, with.

Speaker 2 Steve Zahn, Paul Walker, and I forget who the girl is. Let's get Paul back under the hood.
Let's get him on the podcast. It's got a nude Paul Walker in that.
Ooh, front? Front nude? Fully nude.

Speaker 2 You see his cock? You see his dick going into his own mouth.

Speaker 2 His dick is the most soCal dick I've ever seen. Yeah.
Is it nice and fine? He's got a visor on it. Yeah.
He had a cocklight. And then he got circumcised.

Speaker 2 Cut his voice getting into an upside-down visor.

Speaker 2 One of his ball hairs has like beaded hairs.

Speaker 2 Cool. Paxon.

Speaker 2 I remember being intimidated by that story when I was a kid. Me too.
No joke. I swear to God, I thought it was too cool for me.

Speaker 2 I'm not even kidding. That's exactly how I felt.
I'm like, those were cool kids, girl.

Speaker 2 That's so fucking funny. That's a motherfucking loser.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, that's how I felt. I did not feel ready for fucking Pac Son, dude.

Speaker 2 I would just go to Value City and hope there was Billabong there. Like, discount Billabong in Value City.
Yeah. I'll get it from

Speaker 2 J Max. I remember I had a Quicksilver wallet, and that was like as close as I could get it.
Yes, dude. Hell yes.
He's flying too close to the sun.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Dude, it's funny.
Maybe I said I wouldn't change him up

Speaker 2 anymore, but I saw Cockfield's wallet one time, and he still uses one of those, like, Velcro TV wallets. That's hilarious.
Yeah. They just

Speaker 2 rip open the threefold. It doesn't have a man's wallet like that.
Like, oh, that's a big one. That's a big boy's wallet.
That's a fucking.

Speaker 2 What do you think of it? No, mice and smooth.

Speaker 2 I want to get a good wallet. You don't carry cash on me.
You don't carry cash? Oh, cryptocurrency, dude. How do you call yourself a man then?

Speaker 2 What did men carry cash? Yeah, that's what being a man is all about.

Speaker 2 Give me your wallet. No.
Let's see your wallet. No.
Oh, he brought his purse with him.

Speaker 2 No, you can't see it. You go backpocket? Yeah.
here there's a diva cup in here some tampons

Speaker 2 roxanne gay's book

Speaker 2 i don't think it's nice to call her that name what is that not her name

Speaker 2 roxanne put on the red velvet

Speaker 2 oh fuck yeah dude stop do you believe in her

Speaker 2 Her are you like, do you identify with her fat stuff? Dude, I'm first and foremost, I'm fat. Yeah.
Then I'm everything else after that. American, Greek, Greek, number one.
Man, no, no, fat, Christian,

Speaker 2 Greek, American,

Speaker 2 lover, son.

Speaker 2 That's it, dude. That's the hierarchy.
What about comic?

Speaker 2 Comic, comic last. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I appreciate that. You know, some things are more important.
What's yours? Consumer, racist,

Speaker 2 shorts, Homer Simpson,

Speaker 2 laser tag, enthusiast, laser tag enthusiasts. You know mine? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Number one, Israel. Number two,

Speaker 2 number two, friends of Chappo.

Speaker 2 Crypto.

Speaker 2 I know friends.

Speaker 2 Good friends. Good friends with Chappo.
Number three, extension. Sort of friends with...

Speaker 2 Number three, went to a DSA meeting one time and paid the membership fee. Number four,

Speaker 2 crypto gay.

Speaker 2 Number five, girl version of Eve Piser.

Speaker 2 That's not nice. I know.
That's not nice to me. It's a double whammy.
I get everybody with that one. It's not a double whammy.

Speaker 2 And nobody can get mad at me because then that tells me something about how you feel about gender. Absolutely.
That's what you call a gotcha.

Speaker 2 Operation, what was it from the last one?

Speaker 2 Two person. Two words with Stone.

Speaker 2 You guys don't. Can I just say my number five?

Speaker 2 Sure. Go ahead.
Latin X. Oh, man.
Stop. We got to get this Fila track suit.
Dude, I've been looking online for Fila tracksuits. I can't find any good ones.
No, look at that. I want Valora Fila, yeah.

Speaker 2 That looks good. I want the one Pauly has.
Yeah, Adam, don't pretend like you're involved in that.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? You don't own it. It was my idea.
No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.
Oh, it was my idea. Me and Stop literally own numerous tracks.
I own a lot of ideas.

Speaker 2 Before the podcast we did a bit. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Didn't we do a track suit? I was stealing money from the truck to buy tracks. Didn't we do a fake GoFundMe? Wasn't that one of the big fans? Yes, we did.
And it wasn't fake. It It was real.

Speaker 2 Every intention of buying the.

Speaker 2 All right, but guys, we'll just

Speaker 2 find me and Nick's GoFundMe. Yeah, just donate to it.
It's your friend thing that you guys with

Speaker 2 your tracks. And look, we're not friends.
We're both in the union and we have to support you. You're not in the union if you're the boss.
And you give us zero benefits. Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 You trying to strike for fucking dental dudes? I'm not trying to strike. I appreciate everything

Speaker 2 that Nick does for us.

Speaker 2 What a bitch, dude. No, you're the union scout.

Speaker 2 I'm going to replace you with Cheap Chinese Labor.

Speaker 2 You're going to get an Asian guy named Cheap Chinese Labor.

Speaker 2 What do you think about that, Cheap Chinese Labor?

Speaker 2 Very good, very good.

Speaker 2 Can we try that one? Can you fill some time, Cheap Chinese Labor? Okay.

Speaker 2 This week, Glenn Greenwald, he tweeted.

Speaker 2 And then he just does whatever you do. I never talk about Glenn Greenwald on this.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I respect him too much.

Speaker 2 Is he the guy who

Speaker 2 decided to suck off a kid? Or is that...

Speaker 2 What? Yeah. No, that's Alan Dershowitz, dude.
I don't know who Greenwald is. Well, that's what he's doing in Brazil.
No, he's just legally married to his husband. No, dude.
He went to Brazil.

Speaker 2 He went to Brazil because. He's a hero.

Speaker 2 You go to. The kids hit puberty at three down there.

Speaker 2 Show my friends on these.

Speaker 2 It was so fucking funny that in British society, like

Speaker 2 a while back, boys weren't allowed to wear pants until 15. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They did that in like America, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it.

Speaker 2 My favorite is like those old-timey pictures where like

Speaker 2 they put like little boys in like dresses and sailor outfits. Oh, it's so good.
Oh, I got one of me in a sailor outfit. Yeah.
I'm gonna share that. I'm gonna find that next time I go to Baltimore.

Speaker 2 I'll look cute as hell, dude. All right.
Well, so what do we do? Are we wrapping this up here? How much time? I do have a spot. We're one of five.
Oh, nice. All right.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 don't we have a show coming up, Adam? Yeah, the

Speaker 2 Monday. Monday.

Speaker 2 The 26th, we have a show at Come On, Everybody.

Speaker 2 Funny Moms. The whole squad will be there.

Speaker 2 We don't have the lineup yet, but it's going to be good as hell. And follow me on Instagram, StaviBaby2, S-T-A-V-V-Y Baby2.

Speaker 2 You know, time to fucking bring bodily positivity back.

Speaker 2 So thank you for listening to Come Town. Everyone.
Yeah, we don't have to stall for more time. We're done.
All right, goodbye, everyone.