Ep. 50 – Diversity Town

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Speaker 2 thank you so we're gonna just jump right into it lovely because i'm uh i'm tired me too yeah i feel you man we all we all work

Speaker 3 are you yeah i had a coffee but coffee for me after like 8 p.m just gives me uh

Speaker 2 headache no i just have indigestion and shit well i we were just watching Aliens After Work, the movie. But I didn't finish it.

Speaker 2 That's the second one, right? Yeah, that's the second one.

Speaker 3 James Cameron.

Speaker 2 At the beginning, he's like. Jamie Cameron? He says Jim Cameron, actually.
He's like, Jim Cameron here.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's back when he was being cool.

Speaker 2 Breezy Jim Cameron. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. I directed this movie.
No big deal.

Speaker 2 Jim Cameron.

Speaker 2 We're just having fun.

Speaker 3 I like that. We're going to do no intro, so people think they're listening to the wrong wrong podcast.
Yeah, that's beautiful.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is this American Life Again? Yeah. Fuck.

Speaker 2 Got blinds falling. Why does every.

Speaker 3 I feel like a lot of apartments out here

Speaker 3 have that shitty type of blinds.

Speaker 2 They're the worst blinds. Vertical blinds, is that what they're called? They're so terrible.

Speaker 3 They're for, like, if you're an old woman dying.

Speaker 2 I thought they were for if you were a recently divorced man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I guess they're kind of similar aesthetic. On the way out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dying for real or dying inside, however you want to call it.

Speaker 2 These are the blinds for you. Means to an end.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, thanks for coming down. Thanks for coming out to the valley, y'all.
You said come fucking with your boy.

Speaker 3 We are in the

Speaker 3 San Fernando Valley.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I was in Burbank the other day for work. Nice.
And it's funny because, like,

Speaker 3 your impression of what the valley is because of valley girls and stuff, you're like, yeah, it's just like women shopping, I guess.

Speaker 2 Burbank is like just an old man neighborhood.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's weird. It's like a weird old, old

Speaker 2 there's like a diner every other block. Yeah.
No, it's crazy. The only person I ever met that

Speaker 2 is like a stereotypical Valley girl is a black girl. I deliver weed to this girl.

Speaker 2 And she's like, like, you know, like fully valleyed out. Like that was recently.
Like extremely ditzy. Yeah, yeah.
Sorry. She just got just all disposable income.

Speaker 2 Pretty sure she doesn't have a job. Yeah, I type.
Isn't it too late for Valley? Like, Valley Girls was the 90s thing. I didn't know there was still a round.

Speaker 3 Now Now that's just all women.

Speaker 3 No, I'm serious.

Speaker 2 Yes,

Speaker 2 and most men. Yeah, everyone's in America.
Like, I know.

Speaker 3 Like, as I don't say it. I've never said it once.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm a liker. Yeah, I say it all the time.
I'm lying, but. Oh, okay.
I was trying to think. I was racking my brain.
I was like, maybe he's telling. Maybe he doesn't.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Yeah.
No, I totally say it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 One time.

Speaker 3 I was talking with my roommate and his friend, and they were both like

Speaker 3 laughing

Speaker 3 for whatever reason. I didn't know why.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 one of them had been keeping track of how often I had said like.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's

Speaker 3 gone inside and then came back.

Speaker 3 But you know what? I don't know why the fuck I'm talking to either one of you anyways.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck your mans for trying to red pen a conversation. Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? Well,

Speaker 3 you know, I've done,

Speaker 3 I ended up, that same guy,

Speaker 3 I got drunk one night and the door to my apartment was wide open. And I was like loudly telling my roommate how shitty of a comic I thought this guy was.

Speaker 3 And he was like outside in the patio area and like overheard everything.

Speaker 2 You kicked your own door open? Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 3 I felt real bad about it.

Speaker 2 That's the worst. Because

Speaker 2 he

Speaker 3 wasn't great at comic. Like, his ego was so much bigger than, you know, for like who he was.

Speaker 2 His ego was the comedian level.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and it's, you know, I don't know. It was kind of, I guess he didn't realize it.
He had no humility about where he was at. So

Speaker 3 for some reason.

Speaker 2 It would have been acceptable to talk. It's just, you don't want to be like mean to someone like that.
That's the worst.

Speaker 3 Because it's like every friend group, every friend group of comics, you have a friend who's like funny offstage, but he's just a really shitty comedian.

Speaker 3 Just a really shitty comedian. And they're like never as funny.

Speaker 3 You know, they might be like one of the funniest guys in the friends group, but then they go on stage and do the same material they've been doing for like seven years.

Speaker 3 They're just not particularly good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like almost like it's a mantra. Like, they're not even a community.
Like, this is like a penance they have to do.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's just like a thing that their social group does is comedy, and so they'll go up and do it.

Speaker 2 That probably is like with groups of friends who are bowlers, too. I don't know.
Oh, probably. You know, there's just any type of hobby.

Speaker 2 Somebody's just like, just hanging around, but not very good at it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But then it's always weird when that guy is like, yeah, I'm like trying to get booked at the club or whatever. And you're like, yeah, you're not.

Speaker 2 You're not going to be able to do it. But suck a comedy.
I don't have to fucking tell you. Oh, man, I feel so bad for this guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just even the thought of telling somebody they suck at comedy, right? It's like your worst nightmares, just that somebody steps to you, like, yeah.

Speaker 2 That happened to me one time back in the day.

Speaker 3 I actually started thinking about a different guy while telling that story.

Speaker 3 He was a different guy who was like a better example of that.

Speaker 2 Did you ever do LA Bar and Grill back in the day? You remember that one? LA Bar and Grill. This is some Arlington, Virginia shit, like

Speaker 2 2010, I guess, 2011. But they used to do a competition.
Oh, really? And this dude who was my friend's barber came out to a couple of them. First one, I did pretty good.

Speaker 2 Second one, I got two stoned, and it was like, okay.

Speaker 2 But the dude came up to me and he was like, hey, whatever you did before this show, don't ever do that shit again.

Speaker 2 That was probably the closest I ever came to somebody telling me I was like flat out trash. That was probably like good advice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, he was right. No, I thought he said my name, but you said damn.

Speaker 3 I said, damn.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, because we never did introduction. The first time Erwin did comments.

Speaker 3 I was Dana. Or maybe it was the second time I was hosting the open mic, and he was like, how do you think I did?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 3 I was like, do you want to be honest?

Speaker 2 And he was like, yeah, how did I do?

Speaker 3 I'm like, you're awful. I'm like, there's nothing that...
Like, it's not even like you're going to be able to figure this out at some point.

Speaker 3 I was like, you really just should not be doing stand-up at all.

Speaker 2 And his response was like, okay.

Speaker 3 No, he was like, yeah, he was like, ha ha ha.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, all right, I guess.

Speaker 2 You probably thought you were being sarcastic and were being, you know,

Speaker 3 that has to be a possible answer. Yeah.
I don't know why anyone, like, don't ever ask somebody, like, what do you fucking, how do you feel about what I did? This isn't like an HR job.

Speaker 3 It's like, like, it's a creative endeavor. It's totally possible.
And it's voluntary.

Speaker 2 It's voluntary as well.

Speaker 3 It's not like you just made a bunch of spreadsheets and then said, Are these all right?

Speaker 2 I'd be like, Yeah,

Speaker 2 these are pretty good. Take me on numbers.
Right.

Speaker 3 It's highly competitive.

Speaker 2 Erwin, who's that other cat out there in Maryland who used to run the whack-ass shows? I can't think of his name. Not Shackelford.

Speaker 2 The holy trinity

Speaker 2 of

Speaker 2 DMV

Speaker 2 whack bookers.

Speaker 2 It's

Speaker 2 Schauford. See, I even feel bad.
David Schauffer, man. I remember when I was in the middle of the day.
He met him once. He sent me the most thirstiest, saddest email one time.
Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Okay, so y'all know I didn't have a car for a while. And he would hit me up, like, hey, you want to do

Speaker 2 Mechanicsville? You want to come out to Perceville?

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I'd love to, but I don't drive. And so...

Speaker 2 Eventually, I just stopped responding to the emails because he kept trying to get me to come two hours away from a metro stop. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then one day he tweeted at me and was like, Guess you don't want to perform then

Speaker 2 at like two in the morning, though. And I was just like, dog, I mean, I didn't respond to it, but I was like, what about

Speaker 2 what do I, what do you mean? Yeah, send a car. Yeah.
Send a driver if you really want. No, he sent me an email one time.

Speaker 3 He booked me for something, and then I just like didn't want to do it.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 so I sent him an email like

Speaker 3 the morning of the show. I'm like, I'm really fucking sorry, man, but I got a flat tire.
I'm not going to be able to make it tonight.

Speaker 3 Then he was like,

Speaker 3 don't have a spare tire?

Speaker 3 And I was like, yeah, I do, but it's like, you know, it's like the tiny, the replacement tire. So he was like, well, you can drive up to 60 miles on those.

Speaker 2 You know, and I was like, you're asking me to go AB.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I'm like, I'm not.

Speaker 3 I'm not doing the show. I don't know.

Speaker 3 You want me to die? Okay, no, I don't have a flat tire.

Speaker 3 You suck. I don't want to do your fucking show.

Speaker 2 The one and only time I hollered at him in person, well, he hollered at me, we was at fucking sidebar in Baltimore. And

Speaker 2 this is when I said on my Facebook, it said I worked for MTV because I was trying to just do one of those jokes, just blatantly lying. That's a fun joke.
And the bit was that I was on Undressed.

Speaker 2 You remember that show?

Speaker 2 MTV Undressed? It was like.

Speaker 3 Naked Real World.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, exactly. Wait.
It was like naked. It was like a little naked soap opera.
Yeah. They were naked? Well, you know, they was like...
They were scantily clad. Yeah, yeah, Bronze.

Speaker 2 They now have a naked dating show. Yeah, no, this one was.

Speaker 3 Naked and Afraid, right? Naked dating. Oh, there is a show called Naked and Afraid.
There is.

Speaker 2 This one is called Naked Dating. So there's two.
Anyway, we can talk about that later.

Speaker 3 The challenges on that show are like you have to look into each other's assholes.

Speaker 2 Wrongingly. Not far off.

Speaker 3 They eat bugs and stuff.

Speaker 2 They eat bugs. In Naked and Afraid?

Speaker 3 They've given up on reality shows. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Everyone's just naked.

Speaker 3 There's two people that have to fuck, but they're nude.

Speaker 3 And we're bringing back bug eating. That seems to be big.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they brought back fucking Fear Factor. They just need to make every reality show that they have now naked.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you remember what they were going to do?

Speaker 3 They had Man vs. Wild.
Yeah. The Bear Gryll show.
Yeah. And then they had Survivor Man.

Speaker 3 And Survivor Man was like accurate, but a much more boring show because everyone would be like, Okay, well, I got to make a fire.

Speaker 2 And then it's like 45 minutes of him, like, wait, is that the current real time? Is that this?

Speaker 3 They would have to edit it, but it was just like him doing Boy Scouts bullshit in the woods where like Bear Grylls is like drinking his piss on top of mountains.

Speaker 2 He's dropping sheep off mountains and shit. He's doing it up.

Speaker 2 Y'all seen the one? There was one on, like, I don't know if it's oxygen or we TV, but it was like, I think it's called the Boxer.

Speaker 3 It's a gay survivor.

Speaker 3 It's a gay guy in the woods.

Speaker 2 Close enough. It's like.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh my god.

Speaker 2 Oh no. No, it was like

Speaker 2 I think it's called the box. And it's like two people fuck

Speaker 2 in a box

Speaker 2 while a panel is like

Speaker 2 watching. That's right.
And then they come out and then they discuss the fucking with the panel. How is that real?

Speaker 2 No fucking idea, bro. I don't even know if it's still on.
This was like last season I saw it. It's definitely not.
It can't be. That's There's no way.
I also don't even really understand what's

Speaker 3 how you sell a show like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you can't even show the fucking.

Speaker 2 You just assume people have fucked.

Speaker 3 To have the confidence of walking into

Speaker 3 whatever network that was, and you're like, yeah, it's two people fucking a box. And then

Speaker 2 we talk about it after that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's a panel that talks about it.

Speaker 2 The panel holds him. Does the panel,

Speaker 2 can the panel see what's in the box? Because if they can't, then it's like. What's in the box? I don't know.
Honestly. I mean, I hope so.

Speaker 3 What do you think was in that box?

Speaker 2 Is it in a, like, aside from fucking?

Speaker 3 No, in seven. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 3 It's supposed to be the infant's head, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, it's the lady's head.

Speaker 2 What if it was just a couple of smartphones? You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Something like that. Wait, okay.

Speaker 2 Big surprise. I haven't seen seven.
Damn. I thought

Speaker 2 from

Speaker 2 pop culture, I thought that it was Gwyneth Paltrow's Paltrow's head. You don't know what's in the box? Oh, that would be great.

Speaker 3 Imagine if someone murdered Gwyneth Paltrow and cut her.

Speaker 2 It's not Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

Speaker 3 That would be a great movie.

Speaker 2 Do they not show you the money? They don't show you. You just assume

Speaker 2 the thought of it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they don't show you what's in the box. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He just wants to.

Speaker 2 What's in the box?

Speaker 2 I am shocked. Which I would fuck with a dude if he talked to me like that.

Speaker 2 Why are you whimpering? Nah, come on, man. You're a goddamn detective.
You're a sneaker. Do you guys see those photos? Kevin Space is the bad guy guy in that movie.

Speaker 3 Man, he's such a good bad guy.

Speaker 2 He really is. He's got a bad guy here.

Speaker 3 And what makes him a good bad guy? He's like sort of ambiguously gay.

Speaker 2 That is. That definitely plays a factor.

Speaker 3 Whenever he's talking to one of the male characters, you're like, is he trying to fuck them? It doesn't. He's got like a...

Speaker 2 That's how you know he is.

Speaker 2 It seems like there's something, there's always something like under the surface that he's not telling you.

Speaker 2 Because it's like.

Speaker 3 He's just concocting murders in that closet.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do you think it's weird for him that he keeps being cast as like evil guys?

Speaker 3 He's not always evil. Oh, I guess he's evil in K-PAX, right?

Speaker 2 He thinks he's an alien, but he's just like a guy that kills people. Which is pretty evil.
Yeah. Does he kill people? I ain't even, I don't remember.

Speaker 2 I haven't seen K-PAX, actually. I thought he just had like an adorable Alzheimer's sort of

Speaker 3 gay packs.

Speaker 2 Ooh.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about it for a second.

Speaker 3 Yeah, usual suspects, and he plays Kaiser So So Gay.

Speaker 2 That's so funny. I didn't even see that coming.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. And all the clues the whole time have just been hints that he's gay.

Speaker 3 What's his character's name on House of Cards?

Speaker 2 Frank Underwood.

Speaker 3 I was hoping it would be like Frank Underwood. Frank May guy.

Speaker 3 He'd be like, check this out. Frank Gay Guy.

Speaker 2 Still count it. I count it.
Yeah. You got three gayness of points rule.
We'll put that on the board.

Speaker 3 I got the rebound off being wrong and then Slam Dunk, Frank Kay guy.

Speaker 2 Dennis Rodman shit.

Speaker 2 Did you guys see those pictures of Brad Pitt in GQ

Speaker 2 this week?

Speaker 3 No. No.

Speaker 2 He's like in a,

Speaker 2 they're just really dumb. Maybe it's in, I don't know.
He's in a bunch of national parks. He's in a lot of weird poses.
He's pulling a shirt over his head for some reason.

Speaker 2 He's like having trouble, I think. He's struggling.
His life's in shambles.

Speaker 3 Since his wife lost her breasts.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tough times.

Speaker 3 Well, that's why he had to divorce her. That's what was in the box.
God bless him for going so long in that relationship after it must have been literally a nightmare.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's the only reason to be with Angelina Jolie. Right, exactly.
Otherwise, it's like, oh, what are you going to look at?

Speaker 2 Perfect face. I don't know.

Speaker 3 As soon as she comes home, you know, I'm sure I can't imagine him mentally preparing himself for his breastless wife, who's basically a man at that point.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And she probably always wants to be a little bit more.
Now she just looks like her brother all the time. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Speaker 2 she looks like her fucking brother i'm sure she's still into her brother yeah it's not like we forgot all of the pain in his i did forget and then i saw those photos again that's not acting it's just his character in fury is like a tank operator but it's also a tank operator who's got a wife wallessly removed her breasts it is weird despite him that she

Speaker 2 I don't know what movie you're talking about but it is weird that

Speaker 2 Angelina Jolie like made out with her brother and then we're all like all right. And we just

Speaker 2 made fun of her for like two months, and then that was it. Is that because she's so hot that everyone could just move on? Or was it just like

Speaker 2 did the PR team shut that down? Well, they did a great job.

Speaker 3 In Austin, there was this

Speaker 3 girl, Isla, that would hang out, and there was this other, this other weird dude,

Speaker 3 Matt Kordelsky, who was just like a guy that had been doing open mics for like 20 years in Austin, this like weirder, older guy.

Speaker 3 And for whatever reason, he thought Isla and Jake Flores were brother and sister. So like one night they just started making out in front of him

Speaker 3 to like fuck with him. And he just like barely reacted.

Speaker 2 He was just like,

Speaker 2 oh, all right.

Speaker 2 Wait, you don't think he was just like, oh, maybe they're not brother and sister?

Speaker 3 No, he was probably secretly recording it on his fucking glasses cam to beat off to later. For sure.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you who's weirder. That dude or Jack of All Trades?

Speaker 2 Remember that guy?

Speaker 3 Bruce Campbell?

Speaker 2 Jack of All Trades was

Speaker 2 a dude who used to come to the draft house and he would do just like one-liners, but he was like, I mean, I'm pretty sure. It seemed like he escaped from a mental institution.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, he was always wearing rubber gloves.

Speaker 2 And he was very strange. And he had like hospital socks, like those like knee-high like circulation socks.
And he would come every week and he would never get up.

Speaker 3 I never saw that guy. I don't know who I was.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that dude, that was a weird ass dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Either you remember Tom Flood.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I don't remember Tom Flood.

Speaker 3 I might have talked about him on the show already. Tom was like this autistic guy that used to come to Wise Acres, but this was like before, like, autism is cool.

Speaker 3 We can all have autism.

Speaker 2 Pre-hip autism. Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 So when I say like autistic guy, I meant that he like bagged groceries and lived with his parents and was like 45 years old and couldn't have a conversation, you know.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 3 he would just, like, the first time he met you, he would be like,

Speaker 3 What's your birthday? And he would, like, get your birthday from you, and then he would rattle off a list of celebrities.

Speaker 3 And then, anytime he saw you, he would tell you your birthday and like the celebrities that would that you shared your birthday with. Dang.

Speaker 3 And he would go on stage at Wise Acres, and everyone would be like, Oh, yeah, Tom's going up. And they would pretend like they weren't just like gawking at a retarded guy.
And he would go on stage.

Speaker 3 And the only time, the only only thing I really remember as far as him performing was

Speaker 3 so one time he goes up and he spends like his entire three three to five minutes just pulling tables out from like the audience and bringing them on stage and chairs and he sets up like a desk

Speaker 3 and then he puts chairs behind it and he's like uh the um uh the the uh september uh fifth 1987 nbc for

Speaker 3 uh afternoon news program you know and he's like news uh nbc for news at four 4, you know, broadcast, and he like names all the

Speaker 3 like local anchors and where they sat by name. And he's like, sits down, he's like, and Kelly Thompson was here.

Speaker 3 Oh, shit. Oh, hold on.
Kelly Thompson was here. And he like sits down and then he just like does the broadcast from no bits, not even like a semblance of a bit.
Yeah, no, he just does the broadcast.

Speaker 2 Well, good for him. You know what I'm saying? Fuck him.

Speaker 2 Well, fucking Mike Diesel. He's doing his own thing.
At least it's an interesting thing. Diesel Mike Diesel was like if you brought that on the road it would murder

Speaker 3 he's like people would love this and it's like Mike you don't know anything about

Speaker 2 just let him do this this one time man if you if you brought this guy on the road you're literally describing a freak show is what you're doing You fucking want to put him in a cage.

Speaker 3 Dana, have you read Blood Meridian?

Speaker 2 No. Oh, man.

Speaker 3 There's a part in the story where there's just a guy that has a a retarded guy and a nude retarded guy that he keeps in a cage

Speaker 3 for sure that they meet on the road and he's like can i join your convoy

Speaker 2 let me hitch my wagon yeah

Speaker 2 uh dude there's a dude at britney's who's kind of a similar thing every week he would go up and

Speaker 2 His only joke was an explanation of what a blumpkin is. Oh,

Speaker 2 and it would culminate with him sitting on the top of a chair. Like his butt is on the back of a chair, and just him, and we would all be like, okay, this is the week where he falls.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he never did. And

Speaker 2 I remember one time he drew a picture of

Speaker 2 my friend Jeremy's girlfriend, and it was like an anime version of her.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so annoying. She just tossed it to him on a napkin.
It was pretty good. I was like, hell yeah.

Speaker 3 Somebody else's girlfriend. Like the confidence confidence level to hit on somebody else's girlfriend to their face, but then you're actively.

Speaker 2 The only way to do it is through anime.

Speaker 2 It's like more threatening, but also less threatening. Draw a picture of your girl holding two swords.

Speaker 2 Yeah, why not?

Speaker 2 Fuck it. This is a smaller version of what I have in my room.
Mr.

Speaker 3 Steel Yo Girl with fucking Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 3 No, because now Dungeons and Dragons is like a hipster-y thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, they're trying to make it cool.

Speaker 3 No one's like, ironically into anime.

Speaker 2 It's like it's weird because.

Speaker 3 Have you ever tried to watch it?

Speaker 2 Anime? It's terrible. Oh, just any anime?

Speaker 3 Yeah. No, I mean, like, even the popular ones.
I remember when, like,

Speaker 3 was it Princess

Speaker 2 Mononoke?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that came out.

Speaker 3 Whatever the first one was from,

Speaker 3 what's his name?

Speaker 3 Mishaki.

Speaker 2 The dude who draws the cute ghosts.

Speaker 3 Was that Miyazaki?

Speaker 2 Miyazaki. Miyazaki.

Speaker 2 I should know know that. Spirit.
Miyazaki. Miyazaki.
Yeah. No, I remember.
I caught myself trying to watch Spirited Away. Didn't work.

Speaker 3 It's so fucking boring.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's terrible.

Speaker 2 But I could get into it. I haven't tried it.
I feel like I should, and I want to, because it's like,

Speaker 2 you know, now that I work in animation and stuff, it's like,

Speaker 2 you have to watch it. And you, I mean, I feel like I have to love it.
No, the only thing

Speaker 2 that's beautiful, but it don't really make no sense. Like, even Akira doesn't make no fucking sense.
It's just weird. Like,

Speaker 2 the nigga's brain just explodes off. Oh, does it? That's kind of like.
We have all the books in my house. My boyfriend's brothers gave it to him.

Speaker 2 So I could read them. I'm not going to.
What books? The Akira books.

Speaker 3 Oh, well, that's manga. That's like a level below anime.

Speaker 2 Well, is anime

Speaker 2 animated. Anime is animation.
Manga is the comics.

Speaker 2 Right, but there's like an anime version of the books.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's bigger. The gayest thing possible to be into is Japanese literature, which is even further down.

Speaker 2 True. Oh, I have read that.
Just Japanese sonnets.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Pretty gay.

Speaker 2 I've read some Japanese

Speaker 3 short stories and literature in like Lapham's Quarterly.

Speaker 2 Ooh,

Speaker 2 Lapham's Quarterly. Look at you.

Speaker 3 I have a subscription.

Speaker 2 No, you don't. Yeah.
What? Yeah. Get out of here.
You're talking shit about anime, and then you're like, oh, I subscribed to Lapham's Quarterly. Nick, classy as shit.
Yeah, he's classy.

Speaker 2 Check out

Speaker 2 four publications a year.

Speaker 3 It's not,

Speaker 2 but that's

Speaker 3 being into anime. If you could be into, if being into anime meant you watched four animes a year, it wouldn't be a problem.

Speaker 3 The problem with anime is that you watch it all day long and then you fuck a pillow with anime on it.

Speaker 2 You don't do that with Lapham's Quarterly? They don't send you a pillow to fuck with it.

Speaker 2 But it's only every now and again.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Oh, so it's like as long as it's quarterly, it's fine.

Speaker 2 I'm doing that every day. All right.

Speaker 2 That's fine. Well, I'm excited to.

Speaker 3 I sent you that essay from Lapham's for the Teddy Roosevelt essay, like a year and a half ago. Remember that?

Speaker 2 Vaguely. No.
It was like about his wheelchairs. Was he the one in the wheelchair? No.
It was like the. Oh, yeah, the boy.
Oh, the one. Yes, yes, that's the one by Teddy Roosevelt.
Yeah, about the

Speaker 2 strong boy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, good boys are goodly good boys.

Speaker 2 They're good and strong, and they go into the

Speaker 2 fresh air like good boys do. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's delightful. Teddy Royval.

Speaker 2 I don't know why that made me think of the

Speaker 2 ice cream trucker. He was so earnest.

Speaker 3 He was such

Speaker 2 an earnest guy with principles who believed in you have to kill another man so you can understand your own virtues.

Speaker 2 Kill your enemy and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Well, and it's nice that he was able to...

Speaker 2 The way that the national parks were built was that John Muir took him out and changed his mind about the wilderness. So that's cool to me that John Muir was like, just come out and

Speaker 2 I'll call you a big, strong man for a week. And then now we have national parks.
Nice. I thought John Muir was the dude from Suicidal Tendencies.

Speaker 2 Is that Mike Muir? I don't know. I think it is.
Yeah, yeah. I'll take it.

Speaker 2 I don't know. David.
John Muir.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Who's Suicidal Tendencies?

Speaker 2 It's like an old metal band. Oh.
Well, John Muir is a

Speaker 2 great guy.

Speaker 3 I never understood

Speaker 3 appeal. That's like

Speaker 3 like, that music sounds awful.

Speaker 2 Oh, Meal? Looking back, no.

Speaker 3 No, suicidal tendencies.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. I was ready to shit on the bottom.
I don't even know much. I just remember.
I watched a bunch of videos of that dude because he always wore a bandana over his eyes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I thought that was pretty funny.

Speaker 3 That's a cool look.

Speaker 2 Yeah. The Cholo look.
Yeah, a white guy, fully Cholo.

Speaker 2 Just blind, also.

Speaker 3 I feel like Cholo, the whole Cholo look is like they were like, well, we got to look like something.

Speaker 3 So we'll button our shirts weird, I guess.

Speaker 2 Got to be uniform. Not knowing how to wear a bandana on our face.
We'll be like, well, okay, we'll just have to see if we can see the ship. What if we're going to be honest when we drive?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then they drive every single day.

Speaker 2 But slowly, right? True.

Speaker 2 Two miles an hour, sir. Very slow.
Right.

Speaker 2 His holiness Will Smith. He told us that.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I'm watching your cat. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 I want your cat to do something funny.

Speaker 3 I don't think I've ever recorded this podcast in a

Speaker 2 cat. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 This cat's weird because it looks like a combination of both of Amber's cats.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's got Ernest's size and markings and Phyllis's face and texture.

Speaker 2 Is she cuddly?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 Billy's all pets. You know what I'm saying? He just loves fucking pets.
It's so great.

Speaker 3 Were we telling that story about the bus driver?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 This is a funny story.

Speaker 2 I'm already laughing. I'm like, this is going to be good because.
Nah, one time I was on a bus in DC.

Speaker 2 I don't remember where the fuck I was going, but uh, there's these two black ladies talking to each other. So, one of them is the driver, and the other lady is talking to the bus driver.

Speaker 2 And the bus driver was explaining Trail Mix to me.

Speaker 2 Like, she had never heard of Trail Mix. Like, the lady was like, Hey, what are you about to do tonight? She's like, Oh, no, you know, I'll probably go home, watch my shows, and

Speaker 2 have some Trail Mix. She's like, What is you talking about?

Speaker 2 Oh, it's like this little snack with like yogurt clusters and little dried fruits in it.

Speaker 2 She explained every ingredient, bro. This was like for 10 stops.

Speaker 2 Different types of nuts. Yeah, you know, little Brazil nuts.

Speaker 2 Because if you hadn't heard of Trail Mix and someone told you they were going to watch TV and eat Trail Mix, you'd be like, that sounds wrong. Yeah.
It's got Trail in the name.

Speaker 3 Somebody told me that you're not supposed to have more than two Brazil nuts a day because they're poisonous.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. No, that's wrong.
I've eaten more than that.

Speaker 3 They got a bunch of vitamin A in them or something.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, that's your ass.

Speaker 3 I heard a story today.

Speaker 3 Barry Rothbart for

Speaker 3 in

Speaker 3 Wolf of Wall Street. He was in Wolf of Wall Street.
They had him in to like play some role on Wolf of Wall Street and they make you like snort fake

Speaker 3 like cocaine

Speaker 3 roll and they use like vitamin A or something.

Speaker 3 And apparently like they he snorted so much fake cocaine he had to go to the hospital.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 And then they ended up, like, cutting it.

Speaker 2 Probably would have been better.

Speaker 2 It probably would have been better if it was real cocaine. Yeah, he would have been fine.
Yeah, he would have had a blast.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? The waiver was too risky.

Speaker 2 That's too bad.

Speaker 3 Well, why does it have to be any? Why can't it be like an inert

Speaker 3 biodegradable thing that you snort?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what happens if you snort baby powder?

Speaker 3 Why does it have to be like

Speaker 3 a fat-soluble vitamin?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm just learning about this now.
I know nothing about it.

Speaker 3 It doesn't make any sense to me.

Speaker 2 I don't know if the science hasn't caught up to

Speaker 2 cinematic cocaine use.

Speaker 2 That's the problem. Yeah, I feel like the herbal cigarettes, too, like whenever I see someone smoking those on screen, I feel like, I don't know, I feel like that can't be good for you either.

Speaker 3 I smoked one of them online

Speaker 3 as an extra at one time.

Speaker 2 It's pretty awful. Yeah, it seems like it would be more unpleasant to smoke.

Speaker 3 Well, you're still inhaling smoke. Right.

Speaker 2 So and you have to do it, I mean, because they have to take so many takes. So you're just like smoking a fake cigarette for so long.
Pack of fake sicks. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I was thinking about Trail Mix the other day about

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 3 I was thinking about like the guy at M ⁇ Ms that was like, I'm going to get us in there.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get us in there. Ahead of the M ⁇ M dealer.
Ahead of the smarties.

Speaker 3 Because now fucking, yeah, now every type of Trail Mix has M ⁇ Ms in there. Industry standard.
Who the fuck is going to eat raisins and fucking seeds and all that bullshit?

Speaker 3 You're mostly just biding your time until you can get them to them MMs, that's for sure.

Speaker 2 Totally. I wonder if it was like

Speaker 2 Ari from Entourage. Like, he was following around the head of Trail Mix for three days.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 A guy like that for a second. I'm sure.

Speaker 3 I think it was the yellow MM who did it.

Speaker 3 Which, you know, he just

Speaker 2 retarded one. We found out

Speaker 2 the tardy one.

Speaker 3 The big dumbass fucking.

Speaker 2 Remember, they were trying to get us all to fuck the green one?

Speaker 3 Yeah. And the brown one.

Speaker 2 Ridiculous.

Speaker 3 The brown one was like explaining that she's not naked all the time.

Speaker 2 Because the red one's like, I want to fucking jack off.

Speaker 3 And she's like, I'm not, I'm just black.

Speaker 2 I'm a black woman.

Speaker 3 I'm not a nude MM.

Speaker 2 It's so much worse that they don't enjoy this movie. It's like you made them sexy, but then you also gave them sentience so that they know they don't want to be fucked by people or MMs.
True.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I never got the like the MM. Like the brown one is like the smart one, too.
Like she has glasses.

Speaker 3 There's a blue one that you don't hear about that often.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 3 I went to the MM store in Times Square.

Speaker 3 I've been there every color. I've been there numerous times.

Speaker 2 Did they have the MM's racing jacket?

Speaker 3 I think so.

Speaker 2 The most coveted item in the hood

Speaker 2 in 1999, that MM's racing jacket? Yeah. The official, bro.
Everybody wanted that shit, man.

Speaker 3 What cars? Who drives the Eminem's car?

Speaker 2 Oh, man, because this was back in the day. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Diabetes.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 3 Have you ever seen you ever seen Days of Thunder? Yeah. Dude, that movie.
The movie's ridiculous. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I love the scene where, in the beginning, where fucking Robert Duvall is like, you gotta take the turn real smooth, you know, or whatever. And fucking, like, he says something, some like basic shit.

Speaker 3 It's like, you're gonna let off the gas going into the turn. And when you come around, you're gonna, you're gonna, that's when you're gonna.

Speaker 3 And he's like describing, like, the basic physics of driving.

Speaker 2 Like, if you turn the wheel to the right, the car goes to the right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, something like that. And then fucking Tom Cruise is like, look, I'll be honest with you.
I don't know what any of this means. I just drive.

Speaker 2 I just don't understand.

Speaker 3 He's like, I'm just really good at driving.

Speaker 2 You put your key in the ignition and you turn it. Shut up.
I don't understand those words. Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, that movie's stupid as shit.

Speaker 2 The ride was probably better. You remember the ride at King's Dominion?

Speaker 2 That was my shit when I was like six.

Speaker 3 Because you grew up right next to King's Dominion.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. It was, you know, right ne relative.
It was like probably, what, like, 50 to an hour? Maybe a little bit. Oh, really? Because it was over by Richmond.
Yeah, King's Dominion.

Speaker 2 Are you thinking of Six Flags? No, I'm thinking of King's Dominion.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Six Flags is in Laurel.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's just where we went, though.

Speaker 2 We were like, fuck Maryland anyway. That was the move every summer of King's Dominion.
Oh, Kings Dominion was much more than that. It was much better.

Speaker 2 That was like the fancy movie.

Speaker 3 Because it wasn't Six Flags back then. It was Great Adventure.

Speaker 2 I thought it was part of Six Flags.

Speaker 3 No, it was Adventure World. Sorry.

Speaker 2 No, but it became Six Flags.

Speaker 3 It became Six Flags, but it became a matter of

Speaker 3 Adventure World. And Cal Ripken was the official spokesperson.

Speaker 2 Remember that? Oh, shit. I forgot.
I was just thinking about Six Flags and how, like, just kind of hood Six Flags is. Like, it's just always lined with like little weed bags.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Walk back to the parking lot.

Speaker 2 I still remember, like, when I went this one time, and there was this, we, there were no lines because it was kind of raining, and we rode Superman, like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, ten times. And I still remember the mustache on the guy that worked there was like this thin,

Speaker 2 like, just one line of hairs above his lip. John Waters shit? He was John Waters.

Speaker 2 He was just taking a.

Speaker 3 I wish I could grow that. I don't know how to do that.

Speaker 2 I think it's just cutting. Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's a shaving thing. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Nah, it says that my shit wouldn't do that.

Speaker 2 Hey. Too much testosterone on that.
No,

Speaker 3 in fact, it's just not that kind of density. It's like...

Speaker 2 I don't know if it's a good thing. Oh, his was not.
It's too wispy. No, no.
You don't need to worry about it being dense. Yeah.
At least the one I'm thinking of.

Speaker 3 What, this guy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the guy that I'm remembering that you have never seen.

Speaker 3 I can't do the John Waters thing. You wouldn't be able to see it on my face.
It's like a musician.

Speaker 2 His was like thinner than a John Waters. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 3 I tried to do do every kind of mustache.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, gave him all the looks. It's like the best part of being a guy is just messing around with your facial hair.

Speaker 3 Dude, when I didn't, I didn't shave my face for like six months, and I grew a beard out, and it's awesome that you can just make your head like three times.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like, you know, there's lizards that have the ability to.

Speaker 2 Umbrella gills.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they can fight. Yeah, like, why wouldn't you just go around like that always if you were that lizard?

Speaker 2 Right. Why would you reserve it for just scaring people? Right, exactly.
Just be scary

Speaker 2 generally. Well, I don't know.
Maybe there's a lesson we can learn there is that you don't always want to be scary. You know?

Speaker 3 No, I disagree.

Speaker 2 That's sometimes you gotta save it so that. Nah, man, you gotta let it loose, man.

Speaker 2 Pull no punches. Yeah.

Speaker 3 All right. I think I only went to King's Dominion one.
I went to Six Flags here. The Magic Mountain Hall.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You lost your wallet immediately.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think I told that story already.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. I don't know.

Speaker 3 I don't know if I mentioned they had had

Speaker 3 a Tasmanian devil there that had makeup on.

Speaker 2 I saw the picture of him. Yeah, that was a pretty good thing.
That's the Transmanian devil.

Speaker 2 It's very good.

Speaker 2 I remember one time,

Speaker 3 a lot of Looney Tune shit was very trans. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Bugs Bunny was always trans.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 We got into a conversation on the podcast a couple weeks ago about which cartoon characters are black. And it's like,

Speaker 2 Sylvester, certainly.

Speaker 3 Sylvester the cat. cat, yeah, but he has like a speech impediment.

Speaker 2 You know, which is, I know it's not a race, moms are smoking newports during fucking

Speaker 3 pregnancy, Sylvester is retarded, which I know is not a race, but like, yeah,

Speaker 2 you get as far as cartoons, right? You either black or retarded, they get an identity.

Speaker 2 Yes, they get an identity, you only get one, yeah,

Speaker 3 um, like Tweety Bird, obviously a Latina,

Speaker 3 you know, okay, for sure, um, but you know, it started with Goofy is black.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But we were having a conversation about which cartoon characters are black, and then it became like a thing on Vice last month.

Speaker 2 So.

Speaker 2 Wait, what do you mean became a thing? Like they wrote it. There was a bunch of articles about it.
What? Yeah. I could see Vice jocking you guys.
They did. Vice is definitely listening.
They fucking

Speaker 2 shit, dude. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 Nah, it's because Brandon was going around the office.

Speaker 2 Just running around.

Speaker 3 He's like, guys, I just came up with this. Goofy is black.

Speaker 3 They're like, that's brilliant, Brandon. Put somebody on this now.

Speaker 2 They gave him 10 reps. I was doing research for that one.
Here's a fellowship.

Speaker 2 Why did I mention that?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 The cartoon character.

Speaker 2 You remember the hood? The Looney Tune, the t-shirts? Yeah. It was like Looney Tunes and I jeans and shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the big airbrushed Looney Tunes t-shirt.

Speaker 2 That's why I said Sylvester was black because he was the coolest looking one.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Remember the Sylvester hoodie that zipped all the way up?

Speaker 2 Oh, shit, like through the face?

Speaker 3 Through the face, and then it had Sylvester's face on it. That was like a thing people would wear.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. I don't remember that.
I just remember that class

Speaker 2 ago. Yeah.

Speaker 2 At Up Against the Wall? Yeah. That store?

Speaker 3 Well, there was a. I worked in Lake Forest Mall, and there was like a bunch of

Speaker 3 airbrush t-shirt shops. It was like this Korean-owned place that just sold like, they have like every snapback ever.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 3 And then they sold mixtapes, and then big-ass, like, you know, like Stewie Griffin, like as the Scarface combo.

Speaker 3 He's got like a gun, and then it's just a quote in Spanish.

Speaker 3 No idea what's going on in this t-shirt.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, yeah. We had a bunch of shit like that back in the day.

Speaker 2 It was a store. Well, see, so there was the black version of that store that was called MG's, and then there was the white version that was called Fads, and that was in the mall.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they had the same shit in, like, the little toys, like the rackets. What's the difference between the black and the white version? Well, okay, so the black version is like all the snapbacks,

Speaker 2 five-pack of tall tees,

Speaker 2 you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Scarface Dewey Griffin. Sure.
The white one is like you can make your own t-shirts, but it's like corny ass sayings about golf and shit. Like, you know.
Yeah. Oh, my woman better not be on the course.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? One of them joints. You know what I mean? Just like pure misogyny.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just like racks and racks of different misogynist shit you could put on tees.

Speaker 3 Lake Forest is like probably the most bizarre fucking mall

Speaker 2 in the country. It's in Gatorsburg.

Speaker 3 Okay. It's like Montgomery Village.

Speaker 2 Is that when you were selling Next Tales? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 As a teenager, I just worked in that mall.

Speaker 3 I worked at the Orange Julius for a while in the mall, and then I worked at

Speaker 3 two different cell phone kiosk places.

Speaker 2 I'm sort of mad I never worked at a mall. Just because like...

Speaker 2 I want to understand mall dynamics. Yeah.
I feel like I don't. Well, that was...

Speaker 3 It was still kind of like a functional mall 10 years ago. Right.
But the last time I was there, probably like four years ago.

Speaker 2 It's just a JCPenney now.

Speaker 3 No, it's weird. It's all those, I mean, there's a lot of shit that's like closed.
They're just empty stalls. But it's like

Speaker 3 clothing stuff, and then like Indian guy, like real cool-looking Indian guys that sell like cell phone accessories and sneakers. And then like

Speaker 3 a couple of stores that are like ancient Chinese art.

Speaker 3 It's like Chinese guys selling like weird Chinese furniture, which all malls always had, but like those stores, though, even back in the heyday of malls, like in the mid-90s when they had like the pen and sword stores, it was like, who's buying this Chinese bullshit?

Speaker 3 And they all have that. Like a concubine's bed.

Speaker 2 Remember they would have that?

Speaker 2 What's a concubine's bed?

Speaker 3 It was like a weird wooden bed. Like, I don't, there was no business that would come through there.
They were all, I mean, I guess people would like buy maybe like decorative tea sets and shit.

Speaker 2 And this is different from the framing stores. Is that like the ones where they have like the cats that's arms go up and down? Yeah, yeah, that kind of stuff.
Like sit out front.

Speaker 3 But then they would have like one thing. It would be like a whole, it would be like a bed, like a wooden platform bed with like a pagoda around it.

Speaker 3 And it would be like, this is $9,000.

Speaker 2 It was just so bad. But I don't understand how most.
I don't understand how most stores stay in business, frankly.

Speaker 2 Like even fancy places where it's like, that, you know, they're in a nice part of town, and you're like, no one goes in them.

Speaker 2 You have to sell, you know, they have like four shirts that are $200, but that still doesn't seem like, it just never seems like the math would work.

Speaker 2 Like, how do they, I don't know, how do they do it?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't know. There was a Spencer's gifts near like the NYU campus until like a year ago

Speaker 3 that I would see, and it's like, I don't understand who the fuck is going to Spencer's Gifts and how are they like affording like Manhattan rent?

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 And then they finally went out of business and I was like, that makes sense.

Speaker 2 Yes. Somebody up there want a titty mug.
Yeah. One guy.
I guess like if you're,

Speaker 2 I don't know, you're visiting your kids and you forget a gift and you're like, oh, I know. I'll get them the shirt with a fairy on it.
Yeah. Respect to the bros, man.
Yeah. For sure.

Speaker 2 That's how you do it. The bros, man.

Speaker 3 Yep. Old six flags.

Speaker 3 That's.

Speaker 3 Have you been to the one? I think I mentioned it before, but have you been to the one in New Orleans?

Speaker 2 No, I've never been to New York. Either of you.

Speaker 2 Actually, I just want to. This has been distracting me this whole time.
Go for it. But the Louisiana on that map is crazy.
What is going on with it? It's just like a shrimp tail.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's like some weird

Speaker 2 appendage coming out of it. It's very bizarre.
This map was drawn by children. Oh, okay.
I mean, I assume. Yeah, I would hope so.
Yeah, waves don't break like that. Hope an adult didn't draw this map.

Speaker 3 Are we going to nuke North Korea?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Maybe.
It's weird.

Speaker 2 It seems like it's not.

Speaker 3 I think it would be pretty funny if that happened.

Speaker 2 It would be hilarious.

Speaker 3 I mean, like, imagine we, like, if Donald Trump

Speaker 2 dropped a nuclear fucking bomb.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 He wanted half a country. Yeah.
There's half a country. Yeah.
Half an island. And then, you know, he would just be like, okay.

Speaker 2 Well, that's it. Yeah.
And then, you know, I did it with Doug. It probably wouldn't escalate.

Speaker 3 That would be the end of it.

Speaker 2 Because it'd be, because it's so fucking small. Where would he go? There'd be nobody.

Speaker 2 Well, they would retaliate against South Korea, I guess. Yeah, that's what we're doing.

Speaker 2 Like, Donald Trump doesn't give a shit about that. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, he

Speaker 2 doesn't.

Speaker 3 He said the other day that he would be honored to meet with Kim Jong.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Not only honored, but

Speaker 3 it would be his pleasure. He said something along those lines.

Speaker 2 Which is hilarious.

Speaker 2 I mean, of course he would. And if he met with him, he would be like, you know, I see where he's coming from, and it's hard.
And I'm glad he poisoned his brother, actually. That was great.

Speaker 2 I would rather they become best friends. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That would be equally as funny. But I guess the bomb, damn.

Speaker 3 I think the idea of like Donald Trump

Speaker 3 nuking a country is so funny because that's the most Donald Trump thing you could do.

Speaker 2 That's why I feel like he has to do it. He will because he's going to get bored.

Speaker 2 That's people who are like,

Speaker 2 he's going to start a nuclear war.

Speaker 3 And then he just does. And then we're like, I.

Speaker 2 Well, I guess that's it.

Speaker 3 I mean, that's as much as we can complain about.

Speaker 2 We tried. We said he was going to.
He said he was going to. And then eventually, it's kind of nice.

Speaker 2 I mean, there is something nice about him being president where you're sort of like, well, I don't know what to do anymore. Like, I'm not in control.
We all voted for Hillary.

Speaker 2 Like, America voted for Hillary. You know, she did win the popular vote.
We tried. We did our, I mean, she didn't do her best.

Speaker 3 I didn't fucking vote for Hillary.

Speaker 2 We did our best. Well, that's okay.

Speaker 2 I voted for her three times. I still think she should be in jail.
I don't, I mean, put her in jail for them whack-ass pantsuits. Yeah.
I like her pantsuits. I think they're fun.

Speaker 3 I got real today really into like Twitter accounts that are like, you know, saying,

Speaker 3 well, obviously this elect, I mean, they're still on the Mad Ow thing about this being like the Russians fucking put him in office or whatever.

Speaker 3 And they're like, a voided election, an illegal election, does not mean that it passes to Ryan. It means that it goes to the runner-up in the

Speaker 2 election itself, Hillary Clinton.

Speaker 2 And it's like, what fucking

Speaker 3 universe are you living in?

Speaker 2 That student is so cool.

Speaker 3 We think people would just be cool with their like, guess what?

Speaker 2 We're making Hillary president.

Speaker 3 Because we found a fucking check from Putin to somebody.

Speaker 2 It says, here's the election for you.

Speaker 3 There could be the biggest smoking gun in the world, and it would not result in Hillary Clinton then becoming president.

Speaker 2 What you lost, you lost. That's real.

Speaker 3 I hope she runs again, dude.

Speaker 2 And we'll be tight. I'd be down.
I'd work on that campaign. Yeah.
If she came back and I tell her, be whiter. Yeah.
Fuck that. Don't why Jay-Z.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Black people was, we were voting for her regardless.

Speaker 3 I think it's Chelsea's turn to start losing elections.

Speaker 2 I support that because she's like,

Speaker 2 I would love to see her lose some stuff. Yeah, she's

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 I'm somehow just as out of touch as Hillary.

Speaker 3 I want to GoPro on her as she fucking loses McDonald's monopoly, you know, every kind of every way she could possibly lose

Speaker 2 when it's happening. People just mentioning that her dad got head one time everywhere.

Speaker 3 Yeah, your dad, your dad sucked a dick in the overall show.

Speaker 2 Like, that's not what happened.

Speaker 3 Shut up, bitch.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to scratch off. One thing that has annoyed me that

Speaker 2 like is how it's like misogynist to shit on Chelsea Clinton when it's like, no, she just sucks. And like, don't make this, I want to be able to shit on her.
Don't tell me I can't shit on her.

Speaker 2 That's fucked up.

Speaker 2 That's actually sucky.

Speaker 3 Here's a goal for the listeners.

Speaker 2 Let's get her

Speaker 3 Wikipedia changed permanently so that her middle name reads as Pubes.

Speaker 2 Ooh. Chelsea Pubes.

Speaker 2 It flows. I love it.
I mean, if she went with that, hey, maybe she could win some elections.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, the only reason I ever really wanted any kind of audience is just to demand that they do certain Wikipedia vandalisms for me.

Speaker 2 Are you banned from Wikipedia?

Speaker 2 I don't know if you can get banned if you. No, I don't think so.

Speaker 3 They can IP ban you, but I mean, your IP changes.

Speaker 2 All right. I don't know how computers work.
Come on. Yeah.
Yeah, you got to go incognito, bro. Okay.
Cool. Easy.
All right. Wonderful.

Speaker 2 I was just seeing if it was like because you couldn't do it or because you wanted other people to do it. Yeah.
No, I used to get accepted.

Speaker 3 I used to to get banned from Wikipedia repeatedly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. So

Speaker 2 I'm right back.

Speaker 3 It's so funny that they let anyone change it. You know what's weird? It fucked up my ability to go to a museum after being on Wikipedia long enough.

Speaker 3 Because you go to a museum and I now, even like reading placards in museum, I have like the impulse to be

Speaker 2 like, nah. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 3 General Custer was a gay man who

Speaker 3 slipped those in.

Speaker 3 The best kind of vandalism is where you you make some minor fucking. Robert Van Gay.
Yeah, some small change.

Speaker 3 And, you know, all you're doing is like hurting some fifth grader's ability.

Speaker 2 Book report? Yes.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 if it's such a small change, I mean, the teacher wouldn't even notice, probably. Yeah.
Do you remember when you had to start doing research on the internet

Speaker 2 before Wikipedia and like the types of websites that you had to go to that was just like, you know hot pink with like bright purple writing.

Speaker 2 And you're like, this sounds like it was written by a teacher, maybe, but it's like well, I remember them being like, you're not allowed to use the internet.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay. You're not allowed to use it because everything on the internet is a lie.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. That's

Speaker 2 for a while.

Speaker 2 But then they started checking fools for plagiarism.

Speaker 2 I can't imagine what school is now.

Speaker 3 It's like, yeah, so basically just paraphrase Wikipedia.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 This is welcome to history class. It's all online.
So you don't really need to know any of this shit because you can access it immediately.

Speaker 3 You all get A's. I'm going to be killing myself.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think that's pretty much what school is now. Yeah, we should kill all the teachers.
A guy I work with was talking to me about his daughter, and apparently

Speaker 2 his daughter is in sixth grade, and everyone in her school gets iPads. But they still have textbooks.
Even the retarded kids?

Speaker 2 I didn't ask. Great question.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll follow up tomorrow. I feel like they.
Retarded as a second language?

Speaker 2 They got them too?

Speaker 2 RSL?

Speaker 2 RSL kids?

Speaker 2 Retarded as a second language.

Speaker 2 It's always a real honor to make Mullen laugh, yo. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That one got me good.

Speaker 2 Nice. Hell yeah, man.
Yeah, you basically just have to make a retarded joke. I don't think.

Speaker 2 I mean, I just

Speaker 2 gotta have a little spice on it.

Speaker 3 It's being irresponsible to give them an iPad.

Speaker 2 Well, I didn't say that they did, first of all.

Speaker 2 It's in an otter box. They otter box them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can have an iPad. I mean,

Speaker 2 give them iPad minis. Also, I don't know that they do.
Give them an Etcha sketch or something. Even just for, I mean, I think it's irresponsible to give regular sixth graders.

Speaker 2 Just the thing to change facial hair, the magnet shit, where it's just like

Speaker 2 it's a dude's face. You're with the pen.
And then the pen, and then you just draw a beard on him. Mm-hmm.
Just give them those. Yeah, it's an etch.
They wouldn't.

Speaker 2 Does that have an's chat?' No, no, no, no, no, that's a step bonus. I'm talking about it.
You're talking about that. Yeah, this is literally just.
This is where you make a beard on a guy's face.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's it. All you can do is give a guy a high-top fade.
Yeah. Or nothing else.

Speaker 3 What were those called?

Speaker 2 Ah, some shitty, because they were like, that was like a dollar store thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't know.
Hmm.

Speaker 2 Anyway, we should steal those kids' iPads. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, what do they need the iPad for?

Speaker 3 Reading?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Well, apparently all she does is watch YouTube videos.
So

Speaker 3 the computer lab was so fucking. That was my favorite shit.

Speaker 2 Yo, the computer lab used to be turned up, man. Yeah.
Oregon Trail. Oregon Trail.

Speaker 3 Did you guys have that game that was like where the

Speaker 3 like

Speaker 3 spaceship game where you had to like build Math Blaster? No, it wasn't Math Blaster. It was like you just.
It was the shittiest game in the world.

Speaker 3 You have to like, you assemble a spaceship, and it's in three sections. So like engine, like, the rocket, and then the middle section, you pick the payload, and then the tip.

Speaker 3 And the tip is meaningless. That has no impact on anything else.

Speaker 3 Which does not carry over in real life. Yeah.
The tip is very important,

Speaker 3 I'd say.

Speaker 3 Yeah, payload, and then the engine, and then you just like.

Speaker 2 The payload. What's that? I don't know.
That seems like a weird charge term, too. I've been watching.

Speaker 2 How about the gambling starring Kevin Spacey?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 yes, sir.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, that one. And then Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Speaker 2 Yes, and gum shoes. Yeah.
Oh, that show ruled. Yeah, that show was sick.
Yeah, she was good.

Speaker 3 Liz Thigpen is the

Speaker 3 chief. Yes.

Speaker 2 Almost got me into Doobop. Doobop or whatever.
You know, they do the little jazz shit at the beginning? Yeah. It was like a glee club.

Speaker 3 What the fuck is Carmen San Diego supposed to be? Just some woman that dresses weird and detective.

Speaker 2 I'm detective, right? No.

Speaker 3 She's the criminal.

Speaker 2 She's wearing a. Oh.
She's a criminal in a red trench coat. I thought she had a regular.
Oh, I think I just associated trench coat with detective, but I guess everybody.

Speaker 2 And she's doing real fucked up shit because she's got to like go across international waters and shit. That's crazy because I thought she was the hero.
And I. She's running like

Speaker 2 human trafficking.

Speaker 3 She's stealing shit like the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she was like stealing shit and then she would go somewhere else with it. Yeah.
Either that or human trafficking. Ooh.
One of the two. Yeah.
That would be great if she was like really terrible.

Speaker 2 Yeah. She's just like

Speaker 2 deals with child slaves. Yeah, straight up African slaves.

Speaker 2 Still, just like that one SBU. But she's got a real fun theme song.
Yeah. Yeah.
From here to Carolina.

Speaker 3 I think that's not very far.

Speaker 3 Was that how it starts?

Speaker 2 From here to Carolina? Something like that, yeah.

Speaker 3 Not even a specific Carolina. Yeah, just one of the that is some lazy fucking songwriting.

Speaker 2 It would be great if it was just uh from Phoenix, Arizona, all the way to the Coma, Philadelphia.

Speaker 2 Carmen, San Diego, Carmen, San Diego, Carmen, San Diego, Carmen, San Diego,

Speaker 2 I've been everywhere, man.

Speaker 3 They're like, Yeah, we can't accept this, dude.

Speaker 3 you're fired

Speaker 2 oh shit um i remember uh in high school like kids we weren't allowed to go to the computer lab because uh fools were like bullying people on black planet like there was a list there was like a potomac like like horrors list

Speaker 2 and it was on black planet and like people were like always adding names to

Speaker 2 what's black planet black planet was an early social networking site yeah yeah it's was Black MySpace. Black Asian Avenue.

Speaker 3 Well, Black or Myspace. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 Because MySpace is pretty black. MySpace got black.
Do you remember that avenue? Yeah, man. Once they started doing top eight, that was like the moment it was black for some reason.

Speaker 2 I don't know if the top eight had anything to do with that. Yeah, it was just a thing, yeah.
Yeah. And then fucking and fools used to all, it was like,

Speaker 2 yeah, which uh, which baby mama are you? Remember those quizzes? You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 On mine, I had a my quiz was, which girlfriends character are you?

Speaker 3 From the TV show Girlfriends.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Damn, my mom used to watch that shit, bro.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 UPN had been produced by Kelsey Grammar. UPN, yeah.

Speaker 3 UPN really fell off.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Once it wasn't black anymore.
Or maybe Girlfriends was like their last stand.

Speaker 3 Well, they had a couple of like, I mean, it was always sort of black, but then the shows just got shittier.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Because they had better shows

Speaker 3 back in the day.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, I don't remember.
But then they also had Homeboys in Outer Space. Did it turn into something else or did it just go away?

Speaker 3 That was like the very beginning of UPN.

Speaker 2 Yeah, early. Vibe talk show.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I remember that. Yeah, yeah.
Sinbad. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I used to watch Vibe.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. Me too, man.
Yeah. On an old-ass TV.
One of those TVs with the knobs, yo. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I remember him doing a bit one time about

Speaker 3 how

Speaker 3 sad people, they just got their dog. And it's like, you know, me and my, I was like, it's just me and my dog.
And I was like, hanging out with my dog at the time.

Speaker 2 He was like, get out of here.

Speaker 3 item was being owned by sinbad

Speaker 2 it was one of those sinbad crews remember he used to do the hbo it was like a special but it was like a uh

Speaker 2 it was like a cruise

Speaker 2 no i don't remember that yeah it was i watched i've watched a lot of his comedy specials it was like it was like the simbad like Caribbean comedy jam or some shit.

Speaker 3 His pants get higher and his earrings get longer with every fucking comedy

Speaker 2 It's because he has more money. Yeah, right.
He's just walking out.

Speaker 3 He's fucking waving and his fucking giant earrings bashing underneath his fucking chin.

Speaker 2 At least it's like he had to pick a look. You know, I feel like people these days, it's just sort of like, oh, now I'm going to wear a suit.

Speaker 3 He also does not get the respect he deserves as a stand-up comic. Oh, he's great.
He was great. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Although he has like one special where the whole thing is about like the 70s. Oh, you know, like shit was different in the 70s.

Speaker 3 He's like, well, I tell you, in the 70s, remember, you used to be able to just get hit by a car.

Speaker 2 It's like, I don't think that was ever the case.

Speaker 2 The physics of people's bodies were

Speaker 2 different.

Speaker 2 Wait, like, you used to be able to

Speaker 2 survive? Yeah, play outside.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Play outside.

Speaker 2 You get hit by a car and you get up. You could be worse in the 70s.

Speaker 3 Steve Harvey did a similar.

Speaker 3 He had that same kind of fucking. He has one special where he's talking about, fellas, remember when you were younger, you just took a piss, and now you're older and you urinate.

Speaker 2 And it's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 3 I feel like this is because I'm weird language distinction, and it's like how comedy works.

Speaker 2 Because it's like, if you talk about memory, it's so malleable. You can just do whatever you want with it.

Speaker 2 You can just be like, hey, remember back in the day when you used to love your parents, and now it's sort of like, I don't know. Yeah.
And everyone's like, now you're only affectionate.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.
No,

Speaker 3 that's exactly how it works. First of all, no one urinates.
No one says, excuse me, I have to go urinate.

Speaker 2 Urinate real quick.

Speaker 2 Fellas, remember you just took a piss?

Speaker 3 He stumbles on that joke, too. I love that Steve Harvey bit.
You ever see that one where he's talking about

Speaker 3 Iraq or whatever?

Speaker 2 I don't know. It wasn't Kings of Comedy.

Speaker 3 No, it was much later.

Speaker 3 It's like a newer special. He's talking about Iraq.
And he's like,

Speaker 3 send me over there. Shit.
You know, you don't want to do that.

Speaker 2 I get there immediately.

Speaker 3 You know, he's, I'm trying to remember the bit goes, but it's something like, hello, Malada. You know, he's like doing like an air voice.
He's like, cat, cack, cack, cat, cack.

Speaker 2 You know, he's like, I don't care.

Speaker 3 Man, women, children,

Speaker 2 oh, shit.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 he's like, he's like, what? He's like, yeah, sneak up on me. I'm too scared.
You can't fucking. He's like, none of them.

Speaker 3 And it's like, immediately I hear, and he's like, cat, cat, cack. Oh, Lord, Steve Dunn shot the baby.

Speaker 3 And he's like talking about murdering babies in Afghanistan.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Damn. No, he had some fire fucking tanks on his specials.
That's so funny. That's straight up hot fries right there.
That's ain't beginning to get it. His Michael Vick bit.

Speaker 2 His Michael Vick bit. Let a man kill some dogs.

Speaker 2 Just let him.

Speaker 2 I feel like it's okay when he's in. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I remember my mom used to try to get me to dress like Steve Harvey.
Like when I first

Speaker 2 beat up.

Speaker 2 When I first told him I was doing stand-up, I was just, you know, I was like going out and whatever, some fucking basketball shorts, just, you know, whatever.

Speaker 2 Discover the backpack. Yeah, yeah.
You know, this is backpack era. And,

Speaker 2 yeah, one day she was like, you going out in that?

Speaker 2 And I was like, yeah. And she was like, and then I don't know how it came up, but she was like,

Speaker 2 you know what? You should dress more like him. Like, we was looking at Steve Harvey and she was like, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, looking at the picture of Steve Harvey on the kitchen table.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 why don't you? And I was like, fuck, man, no.

Speaker 2 But recently, I talked to my mom. She's not a Steve Harvey fan anymore.
So

Speaker 3 we came full summer. She found out he has a t-shirt.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 She saw a picture of him wearing sandals.

Speaker 2 And was like, oh,

Speaker 2 yeah, no, I guess, you know, just old, bald Steve Harvey is a sucker, basically. That's just the

Speaker 2 Johnson family stance.

Speaker 3 Fake Lego snap-on high top.

Speaker 2 Dog, that literally nothing made me sadder than finding out that that high top was fake

Speaker 2 for any amount of time. That's like, dude, that's like the standard of black haircuts.
Yeah. We like, dog, yo, Steve Harvey's lineup is, it's got to be lasered on.

Speaker 2 We used to think it was plastic surgery. I used to watch his sitcom all the time.
Dog, that shit was funny. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Dude, it was funny because Cedric was on it.

Speaker 2 Yo, Cedric is the bet. Once again, me and my mom said the same shit the other day.
You should have been in the car with us.

Speaker 2 She was like, Yeah, I watched it for Cedric. Yeah, me too, mom.

Speaker 3 Cedric was great on it.

Speaker 2 Oh, he was so good.

Speaker 3 I love the white character on the show, Bullet Head.

Speaker 2 He just had a bullet in his head.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's like a mentally retarded white guy who had a bullet in his brain.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the bit was that he was in high school for six years.

Speaker 2 That was the whole bit.

Speaker 3 Damn, Mr. Hot Tower.

Speaker 2 Fucking moron.

Speaker 3 Which is very funny.

Speaker 3 It's like to cast like a black. That's the thing that's missing in all these conversations about representation on TV or whatever.
It's like, we got to have more minority representation.

Speaker 3 It's like, okay, but would you settle for just having like a humiliating white character

Speaker 2 on the show?

Speaker 3 Because it's funnier that way.

Speaker 2 It is pretty good. Yeah.
I got to hand it to him. Right.
Bullethead was

Speaker 2 that was Emmy. That was Emmy worthy shit.
Yeah. Right there.

Speaker 3 It's very funny to me.

Speaker 2 My favorite character was Cedric's wife, Levita Aliza Jenkins. Yeah.
She was the best. Just because that was like that was their vehicle for like just like hood names.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like she always had a a relative. She had a cousin named Nokia.

Speaker 2 Like that was always a bit

Speaker 2 pretty good.

Speaker 2 She had a half black, half Hawaiian cousin named Kinko.

Speaker 2 He's like a gay hairdresser.

Speaker 3 That's funny that they would

Speaker 3 mock those names on their own show.

Speaker 3 I guess Steve Harvey has a normal name. I could see him.
That's his like, pull up your pants.

Speaker 3 Steve Harvey, pretty. Don't be named Nokia.

Speaker 2 I don't even think it's like, don't. I don't know.
I mean, I haven't seen this, but maybe it's just like, that's funny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But when you was talking about the fucking that Afghanistan shit, it made me think of.

Speaker 2 I feel like this is the only time I ever talked to a veteran. I don't even know if this fool was in the military for real, but I got like, I guess I got a a proposition.

Speaker 2 I got hit on by a guy out in Adams, Morgan one time. I was wearing a

Speaker 2 like a National Guard backpack, and sometimes like drunk military dudes would like check me when they saw me. So I was, and this was one of those times.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you in the, you know, like, oh, did you, did you earn that?

Speaker 2 And the dude sees me with the backpack, and he's like,

Speaker 2 in my shoes, like, yeah, I was in the army, what's up? And it was like, he was about to fight me. He's like in my face, yelling at me, like, what, what's good? And I was like, hey, man,

Speaker 2 chill. You know, eventually I calm him down.
And he was like, he apologized. He's like, hey, my bad, man.

Speaker 2 Hey, but like, where the bitch is at?

Speaker 2 And then he got real close and he was like, where the niggas at, too. And he like whispered it at me.
And I was like,

Speaker 2 I was like, I need to go.

Speaker 3 That's weird. Yeah, a lot of...

Speaker 3 The poor gay veterans surely don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 I feel bad that that was the only way. That was his only option.
Right. Try to fight me first.
He couldn't even be nice. Trying to find people stealing gays.

Speaker 3 Did you earn that? That midriff?

Speaker 2 That camouflage midriff? You better earn it, honey. A cutoff.

Speaker 3 Well, we're almost out of time on this SD card. So that's going to be thank you for joining.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Come town West, honey.
Yeah, Cometown West. Wesse West.
We better at it.

Speaker 3 I guess we're going to do,

Speaker 3 what, like two more?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 whatever you

Speaker 2 gonna

Speaker 2 New York. Sounds pretty good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, all right.

Speaker 3 Good night, folks.