Ep. 39 – Petey Dat Boi

Speaker 1 Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is just when I want my wardrobe to be simple.
Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and things I'll actually wear. For me, that's Quince.

Speaker 1 And the bonus, Quince pieces make a great gift, too. This season's lineup is simple but smart and easy with Quince.

Speaker 1 $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like everyday luxury, and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable.

Speaker 1 Their denim nails, the fit, and everyday comfort, all at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay.

Speaker 1 By partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost, ooh, half the cost of other high-end brands.

Speaker 1 So you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag. Guys, with Christmas around the corner, my girlfriend has added two extra names to my Christmas list this year.

Speaker 1 Her father and brother. And what am I getting them? I'm getting them $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters.
But, guys, I've never seen a Mongolian cashmere sweater for under $350.

Speaker 1 So take advantage of what is clearly

Speaker 1 some sort of glitch on their website with $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Guys, give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince.

Speaker 1 Go to quince.com/slash TAFS for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too.
That's quince.com/slash T-A-F-S. Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Speaker 1 Quince.com slash T-A-F-S.

Speaker 2 Nope. And we're starting the podcast without Adam.

Speaker 3 He's in the other room.

Speaker 4 We replaced Adam.

Speaker 4 Shouts out to Petey, huh?

Speaker 3 I didn't meet Adam before. I think so.

Speaker 3 I remember

Speaker 3 at the choir over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 At our show, Petey's here.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I remember that.

Speaker 2 You guys listening to the live show. Petey from a live show is joining us.

Speaker 4 Petey, how do you say say it? Dabrow?

Speaker 3 Diabru. Diabru.
Halkeius.

Speaker 4 I know. We're both

Speaker 3 both Greek names.

Speaker 3 We're both Greek American men.

Speaker 2 Diabrow.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Well, actually,

Speaker 3 it's Portuguese. Okay.
And the D is like the of the. Yes.
And the Breu is the town, I guess. Okay.

Speaker 4 So you're Pete Osborne.

Speaker 3 So that was like the king who was just fucking everybody. He was like, yo, you of

Speaker 3 my shitty.

Speaker 3 You had dibs.

Speaker 4 You had Primo Noctis, right?

Speaker 3 So we're Halkius. What's up with that?

Speaker 4 That means a bronze worker.

Speaker 2 Was that Primo Noctis shit? That's like some bullshit from Prague.

Speaker 4 It's fake, for sure. Yeah, yeah.
Where a lord could just fuck your wife on your wedding night.

Speaker 3 I love how it's your wedding night, too. It doesn't even come a couple weeks after.

Speaker 3 Braveheart's a fan of the fifth.

Speaker 2 Braveheart's like JFK, where it's a movie that's fucking great, but like completely inaccurate.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Historically. That's fake stuff.
I love Braveheart, though.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I like that. What's the real story?

Speaker 6 The real story is that.

Speaker 2 William Wallace, he was a guy that lived in the 1980s and he was the first Scottish guy to get AIDS.

Speaker 2 And Mel Gibson saw that and he was like, but what if he was the guy that fought the British? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So wearing dresses became kilts and then instead of Carposi sarcoma lesions on his face, it was the blue paint.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ. Yo, that was so smart for me.
Thanks, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I get to be the smart guy on the show this time.

Speaker 3 I love that shit.

Speaker 2 Did you see Braveheart?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Do you like it?

Speaker 8 Yeah, that shit was gangsta.

Speaker 2 I fucking love that movie.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that shit was mad gangster.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I wish you beat the British.

Speaker 2 Well, the implication that he, like, fucked the queen of France.

Speaker 2 It's some Scottish retard from the woods. Fuck the queen of France.
She cheated on the King of England.

Speaker 3 You got that good dick, dude.

Speaker 5 You got that good Scotsman dick.

Speaker 4 I like it because everyone in that was uncircumcised.

Speaker 3 You know, they were so Gibson made everybody have their foreskins sewn back on as an affront to the Jew Run Hollywood. I appreciate it.

Speaker 3 What if you never like...

Speaker 3 Of course you have. You fucking squeeze your dick and make it look like it has foreskin on it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have.

Speaker 3 I'm

Speaker 2 not going to be a little bit more skinny by Nenya, and I imagine a different life where I have my foreskin.

Speaker 3 How different you could be. So what's up with the foreskin? Does it make you curthier?

Speaker 4 I think it's a visual aid. It makes your dick soft and three-quarters hard look bigger, you know?

Speaker 4 Because I think your brain adds a head where there is no head, so it looks like an extra long shaft.

Speaker 3 I think it's cool because, like, when it gets hard, it looks like your dick's taking his jacket off.

Speaker 2 So, I have a fucked up dick where you get pubes on the top, you get like a Canada goose dick.

Speaker 4 My dick is so warm.

Speaker 3 It costs $1,500.

Speaker 2 You gotta buy this shit in Soho.

Speaker 3 8,000 counts.

Speaker 4 My dick is fucked up, though. My dick only goes, my head pops out half.

Speaker 3 It's like it's wearing a so you can't see the full helmet.

Speaker 4 Sometimes you can if I really if it's if she really gets you excited. Yeah, it's it's interesting.
Maybe if I'm really getting after it, really going in there nicely, or if it's a very

Speaker 2 looks like a turtleneck, but when you accidentally try to put your head through one of the sleeves.

Speaker 4 Exactly, yeah, yeah, you can only see the top.

Speaker 3 I'm always crowning.

Speaker 4 Which is an issue. Actually, I can't believe I'm bringing up again double.
Yeah. But I talked about Milner on the other podcast.

Speaker 2 What if you pull the foreskin back and then get hard?

Speaker 4 That works, and sometimes that happens, but then it's restrictive around the right before that.

Speaker 3 Oh, so it fucks with me. Exactly.

Speaker 4 It's like a little bit of a rubber band.

Speaker 4 It's too tight.

Speaker 4 Too tight foreskin.

Speaker 6 I know, but I don't want to get so scared of circumcision at 28 years old.

Speaker 2 Just become trans, dude.

Speaker 3 That's you're right. I'm halfway there already.

Speaker 4 You could probably use the extra skin and make a pussy out of it.

Speaker 2 I wish I'd still have my foreskin so I get half it removed and have like a two-faced tip.

Speaker 4 And you just flip a coin.

Speaker 3 Would you leave it like vertically or horizontally?

Speaker 4 You have to go vertic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, cool.

Speaker 2 Down the middle. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 7 So you have the Too-Faced stick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Too Face.

Speaker 4 Are you going to come? And I just flip a coin. Yeah.
And she never comes.

Speaker 2 It's always head. You want to know how I got these scars?

Speaker 3 It's not the right character.

Speaker 2 I don't remember what Too-Face says. He's got a coin.
I'm Too-Face. Yeah, it's me.

Speaker 3 I think Johnny Too Face.

Speaker 3 They throw him in

Speaker 3 some shit.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they fucked his face up.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he used to be a lawyer, and then he was a good man.

Speaker 3 He was the DA, and he got

Speaker 2 acid thrown on his face. My only exposure is through the Batman animated series.
I never read the comics. The best series.

Speaker 6 You didn't see the Christopher Nolan joint?

Speaker 2 I did, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, whatever. Yeah, it was fine.

Speaker 6 But animated series was way overrated, personally.

Speaker 3 It does not hold up on Batman vacation.

Speaker 2 Hollywood will hit on something, and then they just carry it out to the bitter end. Oh, yeah.
And they just don't learn that, like, nobody has any interest anymore.

Speaker 4 Well, I think the problem is, you know how so many shitty comics do Louie that now when you watch a Louie special, you're like, this is kind of ruined for me because, like, those aren't open microphone.

Speaker 3 Those are open micers.

Speaker 2 Those aren't production companies with million-dollar budgets.

Speaker 4 I know, but what I'm saying is, so many people swaggerjacked the Nolan Batman that now you go back and see it and you're tired of gritty shit like that.

Speaker 4 You're like, oh, everyone does this shit, but it's not. It's not their fault that that everyone jocked their shit.
Then it kind of like takes it down a peg, in my opinion.

Speaker 6 I just thought it was a really strange message. Like, the Bane character was like the Occupy.

Speaker 2 The Bane wasn't good.

Speaker 4 The Bane one wasn't good.

Speaker 3 Are we talking about the movie or the cartoon? The movie is the movie right now.

Speaker 2 Dark Knight Rises was great. Batman Begins is

Speaker 3 Heath Ledger? Yeah. That was like the best.
Yeah. Also, just the props.

Speaker 3 Also, like, props to him. He literally died.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 He was so hopped up. Did you see the way his lip twitched? All that fucking stupid Jerry Leto shit where he's like

Speaker 3 trying to eat real drugs.

Speaker 2 Leto is trying to upstage Heath Ledger with his Joker, and it's like, motherfucker, you better die. Yeah.
You better fucking die from this.

Speaker 3 That's the only way you're doing it.

Speaker 4 He had to die during production, Top and Monday.

Speaker 3 There's no other back.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then it was all these like, because a year and a half before the movie came out, they're like, oh, Heath Ledger like sucked Will Smith's dick in the middle of the night.

Speaker 2 That's how crazy he is.

Speaker 4 Oh, now Heath Ledger.

Speaker 3 Jared Leto.

Speaker 3 Jared Leto. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jared Leto is making everyone listen to his shitty band to prove how crazy he is.

Speaker 4 He sent them condoms and shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he said condom.

Speaker 4 Fuck Jared Leto.

Speaker 6 And plus, it doesn't even take 30 seconds to get to Mars, guys.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry. No, who's Jared Leto?

Speaker 3 The first one who said it, I'm a little hot.

Speaker 3 Who the fuck is Tucker Jared Leto's dick? Doesn't it take?

Speaker 2 It takes light 30 minutes to get to Mars. That's where the name comes from.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 that's pretty good. I think he was talking about heroin.

Speaker 4 What? Jared Leto, 30 seconds to Mars?

Speaker 2 De Mars?

Speaker 3 Mars wants to see that. You're like, oh, Mars.
Now you're Mars.

Speaker 3 Now you're speaking Jupiterian. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is Mars? Mars isn't slang for heroin.

Speaker 3 I don't think so. The weirdest one is

Speaker 2 dinosaur.

Speaker 3 Dinosaur. Dinosaur.
That's like slang for heroin. I've never heard that.
I don't know. I've never heard that one.

Speaker 3 Junk.

Speaker 3 Junk is slow. Got that junk in your veins, Johnny.

Speaker 2 Bone and scramble are the terms to determine quality.

Speaker 3 What about horse? That boy. Horse? What about

Speaker 3 horse? Boy?

Speaker 2 I didn't know about boy.

Speaker 3 Got that boy? Cocus girl. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh,

Speaker 3 yeah, okay. White girl.

Speaker 4 Dog food?

Speaker 3 Is that what meme is?

Speaker 4 I didn't know dog food.

Speaker 6 Is that what the dat boy meme is about? It's some guy trying to find heroin on a unicycle.

Speaker 3 There's a frog addicted to heroin. And then here comes that boy.
Here comes that boy. You got to slice the.

Speaker 4 That's how these stomachs.

Speaker 3 No, he didn't. He's the plug,

Speaker 4 frogs. You got to slice their stomach open and get it out.

Speaker 6 He sells the blue tops off of that unicycle.

Speaker 4 I love the wire when Stringer Bell's just going to economics class.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, yeah, he does this.

Speaker 4 And he just changes up the fucking.

Speaker 6 He's trying to be a real businessman.

Speaker 3 What's his name? Fucking.

Speaker 3 Avon's like, nah, fuck that, yo.

Speaker 3 I was like, Moosh, he's gay, yo.

Speaker 3 Fuck being smart, you know.

Speaker 3 You supposed to hit niggas over the head with rough and tumble, niggas. And he said they were rough and tumble.

Speaker 3 I like the eggs.

Speaker 2 Him and Stanfield had the same problem.

Speaker 2 I love that episode where Stanfield, like, he's dressed up all night, so I forget where he's coming from, and then he just sees that corner and he just takes his knife out.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Then he takes that knife out and just goes and stabs those children. He's like, Yeah, I still got it.

Speaker 3 My name is my name. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 You got to prove that you got the Jew still, you know?

Speaker 6 The Jew lawyer tries to make him go legit with the money, and then he's always trying to ruin something.

Speaker 4 Yeah, sorry, a Jew trying to ruin a show.

Speaker 3 A remind you of anyone?

Speaker 3 Is that

Speaker 2 a big HBO drama in the vein of like, you know, Sopranos or The Wire

Speaker 2 or, you know,

Speaker 2 Boardwalk Empire, but it's just

Speaker 2 the Jew lawyer characters.

Speaker 2 So it's a whole out that's just all the Jew lawyers.

Speaker 3 Landsman, is that his name?

Speaker 2 The Jew Lawyer? No, that's the cop, Jay Landsman. That's the big fat guy who looks like the dad from Dinosaurs.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and then he has that.

Speaker 6 He's like a real Baltimore guy that Jay Landsman is.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's this interlocking.

Speaker 2 We talked about this before.

Speaker 2 There's a guy named Jay Landsman who plays the lieutenant at the Western with Bunny.

Speaker 4 He's the guy who has that super Baltimore accent.

Speaker 4 I don't know about this, Bunny.

Speaker 2 It doesn't seem like to be a good plan.

Speaker 2 Open-air drug market. But if you think it's a good idea, might as well do it.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that was Landsman. That's the real Landsman.
And the fat guy's just some fat guy who looks like a cop.

Speaker 2 Well, also, I'm pretty sure Landsman was the basis for the character Munch, who's played by Belzer, and Belzer only plays Detective Munch on every show.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's true, yeah.

Speaker 2 What a sweet acting gig. Imagine, like, if, you know, you were an actor and you got one role, and then you kept getting more roles, and like, okay, in this, you play a doctor.

Speaker 2 You're like, no, I'm a detective.

Speaker 2 Well, you're an actor. You're supposed to play different roles.
You're like, no, I play a detective. My name is John munch

Speaker 2 and they're like no we have a script

Speaker 3 i play a guy named munch and uh yeah i somehow just i somehow flipped a mediocre stand-up career into playing a policeman right over and over again how the fuck did that happen i think no i think i would do that like

Speaker 3 i would just be like i gotta be a hood dude i couldn't be they should just replace ice d with you yeah

Speaker 3 but you know what's the audience i can't do the cop series no you're not more of like i gotta be the dude half the audience would be like i think that's the same guy.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I gotta. They would not skip a fucking beat.

Speaker 6 Just practice your lisp, dude.

Speaker 3 That's all you gotta do. Just a scowl.
You gotta get it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 How could you fuck a little girl like that

Speaker 2 so violently? I don't understand how you could fuck her in the mouth.

Speaker 3 I love it, though.

Speaker 6 Rappers, like, acting careers are always so funny to me. Like, the fucking Ice Cube is like a family comedy actor.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Like, the dude that made the song No Vaseline is like, yeah, now he's in movies where he has to get the kids to school on time.

Speaker 2 Which is the pot of four different movies? Are we there? Yeah,

Speaker 2 one, two, three, and four.

Speaker 6 Was he in Daddy Daycare?

Speaker 3 Probably. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think he wrote Daddy Daycare.

Speaker 3 Him and DJ Pooh wrote Daddy Daycare.

Speaker 3 Uncle Luke's actually. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That would be so good. I feel like the key to making money in Hollywood, like that type of shit, the more cornier, the more successful.
Like,

Speaker 3 if you could use that muscle in your brain that creates corny ideas

Speaker 3 and be like, I know what they want.

Speaker 4 What should we do? What should be the come town corny ass?

Speaker 7 Should we adopt a child together?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that would be hilarious. Three of us.

Speaker 4 And Petey could be, you could be his ethnic uncle.

Speaker 4 We send our son up to the Bronx for wisdom.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we need a street perspective. Street wisdom.

Speaker 3 That's just not corny enough.

Speaker 3 No, it's corny.

Speaker 2 I want to do a show where it's like a white dude that feels bad about gender vying, so he lies his way into a teaching position to help inner-city youths, but he doesn't know shit about teaching.

Speaker 2 So he's just destroying the education system with good intentions.

Speaker 3 I like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I thought that would be a fun show. That's not bad.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 6 It was called Dangerous Mind.

Speaker 2 Fuck Off Cotter.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Suck them off Cotter.

Speaker 3 But who's it for? Yeah. Who's it for? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Every comic fucking, they're like, well, I got this idea for a show. It's four comics living in bedstead, and they're mad about being judged for fires.

Speaker 2 And it's like, no one in Illinois is going to watch it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy because I've been in like three of those.

Speaker 3 Of course,

Speaker 3 you're the black guy, so let's just run this by you.

Speaker 7 You must be one of the go-to guys.

Speaker 2 I'm an open micer that writes the same exact jokes as everyone else in the city. And here's my idea for a TV show that somehow in my head I've convinced myself is original.

Speaker 3 Dude, even The Wire, though. Think about that.
They had to get the rough and tumble dudes in a room and just talk and write down

Speaker 3 all that shit and then embellish on it.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, Steven Simon was like a crime beat reporter.

Speaker 3 True Baltimore CS.

Speaker 2 I mean, he was deeply entrenched in that world for 20 years or at least 50 years. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 And a lot of the other guys, Pelicanos, was involved. I remember some of them were actual cops.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 It was a real good fucking

Speaker 2 writing staff. The night of, at least the pilot, was so good because I forget the guy who produced it and wrote it, but it was like he was one of those wire guys.

Speaker 2 And that's why it has such a feel of realism. And it's got Bodhi.
Yeah, but the desperation of.

Speaker 3 Which episode?

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 so many accusers of a crime.

Speaker 8 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 5 No crosstalk, bitches.

Speaker 3 Sorry. It's Adam's fault, it's not yours.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Adam should know better, but he doesn't.

Speaker 3 Yo, you're from Baltimore, right?

Speaker 2 No, I'm from Maryland, though. Oh, man.

Speaker 3 What's up with that lake trout, though? You know about that shit? Lake trout? Because they talk about it.

Speaker 3 I'm like, what the fuck? It's just a shitty fault. It's called trout in the lake.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what it's about, but every shitty

Speaker 4 carry-out sells it. I've actually never had it.

Speaker 7 It's the chopped cheese of Baltimore.

Speaker 3 What's chopped cheese? It's shitty in the chopped cheese. That's the shitty of the chopped cheese.
That shit is just a cheeseburger chopped up on a Harrow. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I hear people ordering it, and I never

Speaker 6 Williamsburg Williamsburg chopped cheese place now that's like $11.

Speaker 3 Did you have it at Whole Foods? Do they?

Speaker 3 I saw something.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. It's like $8 at Whole Foods.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they're doing some shit like that.

Speaker 2 So it's just a cheeseburger. It's hamburger helps.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's a cheeseburger on a fucking hero.

Speaker 8 Okay. Chopped up, though.

Speaker 2 That could be all right. With cheese.
Our bodega is like halal. So there's no meat or no pork.

Speaker 3 Oh, what? Yeah, it's half a. I saw halal deli.
They got pork.

Speaker 2 Well, for then, ours is just a shitty bodega because they don't have it. They're fancy.
they don't have, yeah, all you can get is turkey and chicken, and it gets really fucking, you know what?

Speaker 3 Sucks,

Speaker 3 bam. Are they yet back? Are they Yemeni?

Speaker 3 Yo, fucking listen. True story.
On the way here, I'm on the train, and like a Muslim-looking.

Speaker 3 I sound racist. I don't know, an Indian fellow.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck is

Speaker 3 an Indian-looking fellow.

Speaker 3 So I'm sitting down.

Speaker 2 You can tell Indian guys, Indian guys from the rest of them, because Indian guys are usually smiling.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, okay.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 2 They're usually, they have a smile on them.

Speaker 3 You're right. I never thought about that.
No matter what. Dude, Vodega never smiled.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But no, so I'm sitting there, and the dude comes, he's like, hey, man, is it cool if I sit down next to you?

Speaker 3 And in my mind, like, I'm coming from the Bronx. I don't ask nobody no fucking questions.
Like, it's a fucking free seat.

Speaker 3 So in my mind, I'm like, dude, it's a free country. Then I thought about it.
I was like, oh.

Speaker 3 No, it ain't. Yeah, yeah.
It's like, you better fucking ask me. Okay.

Speaker 3 So I felt entitled. Like, after the the train pulled over, I was like, yeah.
Yeah, you better fucking ask.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's, you know, it's important to be rude to people on public transit, I think.

Speaker 3 Dude, imagine that you're sitting there.

Speaker 3 Hey, hey, buddy, can I sit down next to you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, now you made it. We now even think you're trying to rob me.
Yeah, what do you rape? If you ask me any kind of fucking question,

Speaker 2 I was on a packed one train one time, and there was some dude, like, packed, just fucking everybody next to each other. And there's one dude, and all he can move is his head.

Speaker 2 And he's like, I'm going to reach in my pocket right now.

Speaker 2 I'm going to stab him in his motherfucking eye he's gonna see i'm gonna stab this fucking dude won't touch me again i'm gonna fucking kill this dude and no one's reacting to it because we're just like fucking packed in and he's just sort of threatening the space

Speaker 6 dude the same it was great the same exact shit happened to me but it was uh woman i was on a four or a five four or five going downtown and a woman hit the emergency like stop and it was rush hour everyone was trying to get fucking home and she was just yelling at this african dude who, I guess, bumped her.

Speaker 6 And she's like, I'm an American citizen. And guess what? We on Facebook Live right now.
I'm going to get your ass.

Speaker 3 Go back to Africa. Go back to Africa.

Speaker 6 I'm an American citizen.

Speaker 3 Oh, man.

Speaker 6 Trump won like two days before that shit.

Speaker 3 No, you got to turn up sometimes, man.

Speaker 4 The Pepe's must have loved that shit.

Speaker 6 She's trying to fucking get him on Facebook. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 They love Pop Son.

Speaker 2 They do? That's her favorite account. But the Pepe's love Popson.
Who I had to stop following because he steals jokes. Does he?

Speaker 3 He's Pop Son.

Speaker 2 He's this guy on Twitter. He's like this black.

Speaker 2 He's African, actually. I think he's like Liberian or something, but like Liberian American.
So he grew up here, and I guess his parents. And I might be fucking up the details or whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But he's like a black race realist.

Speaker 2 So the Nazis love him because

Speaker 2 he fucking says racist shit about him.

Speaker 3 He fucks with him already. Yeah.

Speaker 3 We need more of that. Hold on.

Speaker 2 He's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 3 We need more of that.

Speaker 2 He's really funny, but I saw him on numerous occasions to straight up lift jokes from other people.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's not cool.

Speaker 3 But I like his fucking approach. Yeah,

Speaker 3 not the thievery approach.

Speaker 2 Well, the Nazis have a lot in common with the HOTAP guys, and so like,

Speaker 2 I feel like they get along.

Speaker 6 Oh, they're all about historical revisionism. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But, like, you know, who's awesome? Like, I don't understand how anyone could, like, dislike the black Israelites.

Speaker 3 Oh, they're hilarious. Yo, remember my dude was smoking a blunt on 124th the other day, and we saw, like, a bunch of them jump out of a suburban and, like, run across the street.

Speaker 3 And, like, there was no contact. It was just hilarious.

Speaker 3 Dressed up like fucking Chinese. Yeah, no, they look like they're in a fucking RPG.

Speaker 3 They're in a quest party. They're about to go kill a dragon.

Speaker 3 Final Fantasy Black Israelites.

Speaker 3 That's a downloadable Fantasy X.

Speaker 3 Oh, those fucks, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, they're hilarious.

Speaker 2 I love watching when they're just like fucking pointing out people in the street and they're like, this fucking dude right here, he should be killed.

Speaker 3 You know, and like the guy just doesn't know how to fucking handle it or whatever. It's great, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know why? Because they have the hearts of trolls.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 That's what ultimately you identify most as a troll, I think, in your heart of hearts.

Speaker 4 Even more so than comedian. You are a troll in your soul.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Because a lot of your comedy used to troll people.

Speaker 3 Trolls are cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, it's good to fuck with people.

Speaker 3 But the problem is. It's the best way to look.

Speaker 2 If you want to live a carefree life, constantly make people upset and uncomfortable.

Speaker 3 This is what we were talking about the other day.

Speaker 6 The problem is, is that the early internet was all about punching down. It was all about bullying people that are lesser than you.
And now that's like against the rules.

Speaker 6 Now you have to just be like, you know, fuck the bad.

Speaker 2 How funny would it be if that culture continued and like at midnight was like a show where four comedians, they're hooked up to like stick cam and they pick a 13-year-old girl and they all insult her until she kills herself.

Speaker 2 And the last person to type anything into chat, Chris Hardwick's like, you know, you just won the internet.

Speaker 2 And he all watches the girl fucking overdoses on Claudio and fucking blacks out on camera and they're like, well, you ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 3 A brand new car.

Speaker 2 Whatever you fucking win on at midnight.

Speaker 4 I don't know. I've never cyber bullying.
You don't win anything.

Speaker 3 I did a little bit. You win a TV credit, bro.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah, you get to be on Conference Central.

Speaker 3 You like, yo, check me out tonight.

Speaker 4 Never come.

Speaker 4 I never did any cyberbullying, but I did a little, I did, I had a little bit of middle school bullying where I did some IRL bullying. I feel like, Adam, you never bullied.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, we, I mean, you got bullied.

Speaker 6 We talked about my friend Tommy into now being a street magician mind freak.

Speaker 3 That's Petey.

Speaker 4 I feel like you might, you, you had some years of bullying.

Speaker 3 Nah, I was always funny. I ran with the bullies.

Speaker 4 You ran with the bullies.

Speaker 3 The bullies were always like the bully's gesture.

Speaker 4 You were the bully comic release.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was like, if the bully couldn't think of something clever to say about you, I would say it, and you couldn't do anything in response because they were like,

Speaker 3 It was like, yo, look at this fucking dude's afro right here. And they're like,

Speaker 3 I punched him.

Speaker 4 That's beautiful, dude.

Speaker 6 That's a very important role. I mean, I think that's why it became funny: in middle school, there were just all these men walking around.
I hadn't even started puberty.

Speaker 6 I like had zero pubs, so I had to become funny.

Speaker 3 You had to suck them off. You had to find a man to become a drink.
I hadn't sucked anyone off, okay? I said I was into finding it. I'm like, there was the oxygen drum.

Speaker 3 I was turned out of middle school, bitch. He didn't even think prison.
It was just like light bullying. I was holding you gay.

Speaker 3 I was holding them.

Speaker 2 You got HIV in sixth grade.

Speaker 6 I was holding their pocket as a bit.

Speaker 3 Carry my bags.

Speaker 2 It's like that trolls get trolled, or Tales Gets Trolled comic with Bugs Bunny and a quote where it's like, yeah, I used to get trolled, but then I found a way to stop it.

Speaker 2 You just do all sorts of stupid and gay shit, like dressing up like a girl and kissing them. I don't like doing it, but it works.

Speaker 3 Trolls are cool, man. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Were there trolls in the Bronx?

Speaker 3 Cool. Well, yeah, I mean.

Speaker 4 Or was it just

Speaker 4 more naked?

Speaker 4 Just, I feel like.

Speaker 3 Trolls is like a. It's like.

Speaker 3 Like, Trump is

Speaker 3 the dopest troll of them all. He's like the god of the trolls because it's like every time.
Like, imagine if you could write a post and people marched every time you.

Speaker 3 And you lived for that. Like, you didn't know that it made you stronger.

Speaker 3 Like, every time they marched, you were just like, you're superpowers.

Speaker 2 I love when people look at him and they're like, wow, look how insecure he is. He gets bent out of shape over SNL.
It's like, no, he wrote one tweet and SNL dedicated an entire episode to him.

Speaker 2 There's a disparity in who's fucking angry here.

Speaker 3 I heard some dude the other night at a show. He wasn't angry, though.
He was like, I'm sure he is an SNL dude. And he's just like, yeah, so Trump said this thing about me.

Speaker 3 And I was like, dude, who the fuck are you?

Speaker 4 No one gives a fuck.

Speaker 3 But it's like, that's how good of a troll he is. There's people that no one even knows.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's going to troll the world, dude.

Speaker 4 Into fucking World War III.

Speaker 3 He's kind of a game right now.

Speaker 4 Nick, you'll die in a beautiful troll holocaust.

Speaker 2 I know how to fucking fight. I know how to make shit now, so I'm going to move into the woods, start a compound, build everything myself.

Speaker 4 No, you're dead, dude.

Speaker 2 No, you're dead.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we got some problems.

Speaker 2 You need 35,000 calories a day.

Speaker 3 If you get dry, you want to die. We have to lubricate your ball hole.

Speaker 4 I can survive on very little, actually.

Speaker 4 I've been storing for this.

Speaker 4 I have very gaunt cheeks. There's just a lot of nuts.

Speaker 5 I'm like a squirrel.

Speaker 3 I'm just storing.

Speaker 3 Yo, dude, have you ever seen Alaska The Last Frontier, bro? I have not. You?

Speaker 3 It's just about these fucking people living off the grids. Oh, fuck, wait, I have.

Speaker 3 It's this weird thing.

Speaker 4 They're like a family, right? And they have like...

Speaker 4 It's weird, dude. There's like these, there's like a strange undercurrent.

Speaker 3 It's just fucking.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they must fuck their sisters.

Speaker 3 And they've made up their own fucking accent, so they all talk like real weird and shit.

Speaker 4 It's fucked up. I'm pretty sure they fuck each other.
Like the siblings.

Speaker 3 The chicks will go out and like collect. What's weird about that?

Speaker 4 Are you saying you fuck your sister?

Speaker 6 No, I'm just saying it's not weird to fuck your sister.

Speaker 3 I mean,

Speaker 2 David Bowie taught us that, too.

Speaker 3 David Taught us okay to be weird.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 6 My friend, my friend, like, let like

Speaker 2 it's just a pedophile. Like, David Bowie taught me.

Speaker 3 He's such a be weird.

Speaker 6 My friend, like, like,

Speaker 6 accidentally, like, uncovered, like, I guess, a weird part of himself, but he was like, yeah, you know, there was gay liberation, there's trans liberation.

Speaker 6 I guess the next thing is going to be incest liberation.

Speaker 3 Yeah, probably. I don't think

Speaker 3 that, yeah.

Speaker 3 I was like, you know,

Speaker 2 there's no real argument for why incest, if it's two consenting adults, there's no argument against why you shouldn't be allowed to have an incestual incestual relationship.

Speaker 3 If a brother and sister.

Speaker 4 You have fucked up kids.

Speaker 2 If your brother and sister, I mean, it doesn't matter. I guess

Speaker 2 we have genetic typing. You can take

Speaker 2 any couple and say you have a 90% probability you're going to have a kid with Down syndrome. Should it be illegal for those people to fuck?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 Sorry.

Speaker 3 We have more in common than we talk.

Speaker 3 That's rapery.

Speaker 4 I don't think that would be acceptable.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, I mean, rape.

Speaker 3 Look,

Speaker 3 I just think rape should only be legal in cases of rape or incest.

Speaker 3 That was my brother.

Speaker 3 That was just Thanksgiving. Yeah,

Speaker 2 here's a trade-off.

Speaker 3 Here's a trade-off.

Speaker 2 We still have federal funding for Planned Parenthood, but rape is legal within the walls of Planned Parenthood.

Speaker 3 What? That's the trade-off.

Speaker 3 Why is that? So you got to be involuntary nuts.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 because, look, if you go into Planned Parenthood to get an abortion, right, and it's going to piss off conservatives because they only approve abortion cases of rape, if you're guaranteed to get raped at the Planned Parenthood, then it'll always qualify.

Speaker 3 You see?

Speaker 4 Made some checks out.

Speaker 3 Hold on, you got to say that. The policy policy.

Speaker 3 I can see the life politics.

Speaker 3 I can see the light policy.

Speaker 3 You are a wonk, dude.

Speaker 3 The conservatives think that.

Speaker 2 Does that mean I'm high on cough medicine right now?

Speaker 3 The conservatives think that it's cool to have an abortion if you're raped? Yes.

Speaker 2 Generally, that's not really.

Speaker 3 Not even, though.

Speaker 3 Some of them. It's across the board.

Speaker 3 Some of them don't.

Speaker 2 Some of them don't, sure. But

Speaker 2 that's the exceptions people make in cases of rapers.

Speaker 3 There are laws in certain states where you can't have abortions.

Speaker 2 I know they've made it very, very strict. Amber can hop in on this.
You know that Amber's here. She knows.

Speaker 3 What do you want to know?

Speaker 2 At the local level, they've made it a lot more difficult to get abortions in the last couple of years.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I mean, they have it outright.

Speaker 2 Indiana specifically, right?

Speaker 10 Yeah, I'm from Indiana.

Speaker 10 They haven't outright made it illegal, but they've done a lot of things trying to fund the only resources for it so it's like de facto illegal.

Speaker 10 It's like saying, well, look, you know, no one's saying you can't go, you know, get

Speaker 10 whatever, chemotherapy. It's just that we've taken all of the chemotherapy drugs and moved them out of state.

Speaker 2 They also do shit like a mandatory transvaginal ultrasound, which I don't know if that that means that you are required to pay for it and then it makes it like harder to get an abortion because it's an additional cost it's just about making it more uncomfortable would they put like a big like rod in your pussy uh is that what a transvaginal yeah well they hook a transvaginal ultrasound and they hook your pussy up to a tesla i think it's not normal i think it's pretty big

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 yeah okay i i think the one the one thing that conservatives

Speaker 6 the one thing the conservatives uh i i do think it i have like i think the one conservative opinion i have have related to this shit is that if you tell me if you have a wet dream, you should have a Christian burial for those other kids.

Speaker 6 I think you should have a priest there. I mean, I think that is a life thing.

Speaker 3 But you're watching real time with Bill Moore.

Speaker 2 I've never seen the show.

Speaker 2 The sound effects are.

Speaker 10 But you're Jewish, so you would have to, what, you have to have like 24 hours to get it in the ground. Like, you'd have to move quick.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you have to move quick. I have to, yeah, I have to have a break.
It has to be in a Jewish cemetery.

Speaker 6 You can't have any tattoos.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 6 No, but what didn't Mike Pence said he wanted to every time he had an abortion, you have to have a funeral for it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and well, Rick Santorum actually did it.

Speaker 2 They brought the dead baby, the fetus, home, to play with the kids.

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 3 stillbirth. They somehow got like clothes for it, didn't they?

Speaker 2 They put like Ken doll clothes on the fetus.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. He had a catchy.
He played catch with it.

Speaker 10 His book, where he said that Barbara Bush brought home like a crock pot of

Speaker 10 miscarriage or something.

Speaker 2 And they ate it by accident.

Speaker 3 Whoops.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 2 The pieces dropping off a spoon.

Speaker 3 Like doctors.

Speaker 10 Like, I'm like, people are freaking out, and they're like, oh, this is so fucked up that they're so obsessed with it. You know, and I'm like, this never happened.

Speaker 3 And then Barbara's like a slow cooker, right?

Speaker 10 She is a cutthroat.

Speaker 10 She does not love her son at all. Was like,

Speaker 10 yeah, I don't remember it that way at all. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like, she just completely threw him under the bus.

Speaker 10 She did not give a shit at all.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You guys ever have a girl have an abortion for you? No.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 How many?

Speaker 3 On purpose?

Speaker 3 I've had like, I don't even know how many.

Speaker 3 Like the last one was like a few years ago. That shit was like three or four years ago.

Speaker 2 That's like a Bronx thing, right?

Speaker 3 That's what a Bronx tale is.

Speaker 3 I haven't seen that movie. yo, the chick was like, yo.

Speaker 3 I'm like, yo, I'm thinking Planned Parenthood. Like, I don't got to pay for this shit.

Speaker 3 You think it's free? She's like, yo, it's like $700. I was like, is this $700?

Speaker 3 Dude,

Speaker 3 two places.

Speaker 6 It was $400 when I did it, but we went to Southeast D.C.

Speaker 6 And it was the cash-only place we went to.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 This should be a place to teach your paycheck.

Speaker 6 It was so funny.

Speaker 2 Take your paycheck from Wetzel's Wetzels.

Speaker 4 Oh my God.

Speaker 6 There's a dude sitting next to me with teardrops, two teardrops tattooed on his face, and he was on the phone crying to his mom. Are you sure it wasn't a tattoo? That's what I,

Speaker 6 that was like, that was the first thought I had.

Speaker 6 It was like, oh, were those for babies?

Speaker 6 But he's crying to his mom, and he's like, mama,

Speaker 6 this bitch said it was $250. Now she's saying it's $3.75.
And then his boy sitting next to him, he's like, hey, tell that bitch to bring you a receipt, though.

Speaker 2 Well, you take a survey on the bottom, you get a free abortion the next time.

Speaker 3 I think so, yeah.

Speaker 6 There's some sort of group on the artist.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 4 No, I never.

Speaker 4 I've been to plan B for I've been to Plan Parent for a lot of Plan B's

Speaker 3 abortions.

Speaker 4 That's why I haven't.

Speaker 3 Dude, I'm a fucking.

Speaker 2 I went to Plan Parenthood to get tested one time. I think I'm shooting blanks because I've never had to fucking, and I'm not careful at all.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 A couple raw dogs, a bunch of raw dogs. All raw dogs, man.
I leave that shit in.

Speaker 3 I mean, that shit is.

Speaker 3 Mom, can I borrow $375?

Speaker 3 I did too many Tim Allen noises, and I don't have the money to fix it.

Speaker 2 But no, I went to one time, and they had a guest book, like a little composition notebook.

Speaker 4 You sign it?

Speaker 2 No, no, I just flipped through it and read all the entries. Holy shit, dude.
One of the funniest things I've ever done in my entire life. They're like, everyone was nice.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 2 I was upset when I found out that I had syphilis, but other than that,

Speaker 3 it wasn't exciting. Oh, just for testing.

Speaker 4 I thought you were talking about the abortion guest book.

Speaker 6 I was about to be like, well, they don't let the guy into the abortion room.

Speaker 3 Just a little tiny, like, hand print on each page. The whole waiting room.

Speaker 2 Dude, what are you pretending you're grossed out by abortion jokes? You started this show talking about how your dick doesn't fit through its dick skin.

Speaker 3 That's different, dude. No, that's how you should have dick.
You've been aborted. That's my dick.
My dick is half a year.

Speaker 2 In a perfect world, you were just barred from reproduction because of your fucked up genitals. No, dude.

Speaker 4 Because they're beautiful in their own right. You know?

Speaker 2 No, I don't agree with that.

Speaker 3 Yes, they are. No, I don't.

Speaker 3 My dick has character. Yeah.

Speaker 4 My dick has character, and it's kind of, it's cute.

Speaker 3 I was laughing so hard. You're a cute little dick.
Last week when you said that girls tell you you have cool balls.

Speaker 3 That's how awful your dick is, dude. You can't even lie about it.

Speaker 2 You have to I can find something else, balls.

Speaker 4 No, I just have nice big balls.

Speaker 3 Your balls are pretty neat.

Speaker 4 Yeah, chill balls, bro.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I know. This is the truth.
That's my existence. But I choose to believe I just have extraordinary balls.

Speaker 3 I mean, you know.

Speaker 4 They're heavy. They're heavy hangers.

Speaker 4 You know?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 6 They taste good. How far.

Speaker 6 Does your dick go down to the bottom of the balls or like in the middle?

Speaker 2 Can you throw them over your shoulder like a condenser?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I absolutely can.

Speaker 4 I can throw them i could do them pretty high honestly they're heavy hangers like i said i'll show you guys some pretty funny pictures of my balls my balls on some stairs like i was doing an american apparel thing and uh

Speaker 2 i was sitting on stairs and but one ball just like kind of fell down and it's it's hanging low dude it's pretty good that's bonus content we'll give that to the fan one time one time before my great grandma died we're in my grandparents house and she's sitting i think at the far end of the living room and she's telling some story some awful story about like uh i think i mentioned this on the podcast before, but she's talking about, like, well, I remember being a little girl, and my grandmother, my grandmother had a house on Georgia Avenue, and at the end of the block, there was this Chinaman,

Speaker 2 and he would sell apples. Me and me and my cousin,

Speaker 2 Eustace, would run up and pull his tail and laugh.

Speaker 2 Eustace, I don't know.

Speaker 3 It's a middle name though. Yeah, I was coming up with old people names.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 We would run up and pull his tail and steal his apples and laugh and laugh. My whole family's is laughing at this hate crime story.

Speaker 2 My grandmother would pull his tail, his cue, I'm assuming she did.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and steal his apples.

Speaker 6 That Jet Lee movie hero.

Speaker 3 Right, this

Speaker 2 Chinese immigrant just trying to fucking sell some apples, and his children are harassing him. Meanwhile, everyone's looking on, they're all like, you know, enjoying this story.

Speaker 2 And I look over my grandfather, and he's at the edge of his fucking seat, and he's got, you know, these weird grandpa Kirkland brand shorts on, and one of his balls is just completely hanging out of his shorts.

Speaker 2 He's enthralled by this story.

Speaker 3 I was like, what what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 3 What world is this?

Speaker 6 That shit is so awesome. That Johnny Knoxville bit from the Jackass movie where he plays the old man.

Speaker 3 The old woman. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That shit is so funny. The old woman with the old man.

Speaker 3 That spike

Speaker 3 car in the door.

Speaker 3 Her kid is just like.

Speaker 3 Well, I also love the one where he's just kissing a young woman. He's like, it's my granddaughter.

Speaker 3 That bitch just pedophilia, incest pedophilia. Yeah, but dude, it's so fucking funny.
I know, I love it.

Speaker 2 Nothing is fucking funnier than jackass.

Speaker 3 Jackass is the funniest movie.

Speaker 2 What's the one where he takes the shit in the fucking display toilet?

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 yeah, he's the jackass one.

Speaker 6 That's in the first movie.

Speaker 4 R.I.P.

Speaker 9 Ryan Dunn.

Speaker 3 Hilarious, but that guy has to clean that shit up. Yeah, it's so mean.

Speaker 6 That's when Punching Down was cool.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I missed the day.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm going to fucking watch the, I'm going to watch the jackass movies after we wrap this one, boys.

Speaker 4 Should we

Speaker 4 do this?

Speaker 2 We should end the podcast early.

Speaker 2 This should be a 20-minute episode.

Speaker 3 We should watch Jackass instead. Petey, you down? I mean, yo, my knees is hurting.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got podcast me.

Speaker 3 I got podcast me. Should we do

Speaker 6 jackass videos with your friends? No. Yo, we used to do the shopping cart thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, everyone did the shopping cart thing.

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 my name's Eric, and this is Jackass.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Dave.

Speaker 3 Shut up, David. Okay, I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 2 And then, like, you know, it would be pushing your friend gently against a tree, and they're like,

Speaker 3 You're so gay.

Speaker 2 That would be the end of 12-year-old jackass.

Speaker 6 We did a jackass vid where we thought it was a jackass vid, where it was, like, we're gonna make our friend Ryan smoke weed for the first time, and we just picked grass off of my friend's neighbor's, like, front yard, and then we just rolled it up in a joint, and then he smoked it.

Speaker 9 We're like, Are you hot?

Speaker 3 He's like, I think so, I think so.

Speaker 3 And we're like, Yeah, you're a a bitch.

Speaker 2 I remember watching some local news thing, some like Fox 5 thing about some kid that was trying jackass. It's like, your children may be doing jackass at home and make sure they don't have a child.

Speaker 3 Oh, that was huge.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they showed the video of this kid and they set like a thing on fire and then he put it out with his chest. You know, like he said like a Molotov.
You know, they made like a Molotov cocktail.

Speaker 2 And he goes to put it out with his chest. And it just sets his chest on fire.

Speaker 3 And so he's running around the backyard and his friends are like, yo, dude, look at Maddie. He's on fire.

Speaker 3 Look at him, and he's like,

Speaker 3 screaming.

Speaker 2 And then eventually he jumps in like the pool or something. Eventually, he puts it out or whatever.

Speaker 2 And then they cut to him getting all these skin grafts on his chest and being lowered into this saline solution to make the skin grafts take.

Speaker 3 And that's when he's like,

Speaker 2 and then what's so great about that is

Speaker 2 you watch the video, and the response is like, yeah, that's not very funny, dude.

Speaker 3 You didn't do a good jackass. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 If you would hurt yourself doing a funny jackass, maybe I'd feel bad for you.

Speaker 6 In retrospect, what we didn't get as kids was that they were on so many fucking pills and so many drugs for sure.

Speaker 3 For sure.

Speaker 2 It must have been a good thing.

Speaker 3 That's why I love this.

Speaker 2 Sorry to cut you off, but the story of River Phoenix dying

Speaker 2 is because.

Speaker 6 Outside the club?

Speaker 2 Because he tried to hang out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and he's just some bullshit actor that wanted to be a rock star, fucked up, hung out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers for one night, and died.

Speaker 3 He couldn't keep up with it.

Speaker 3 Cause of death being a lightweight. Yeah, that's what's on his death.
I mean, that's what's on his death store too. You wanted to hang out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and you're like, you sure?

Speaker 3 Yeah. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, you just pretend to be us in the movies.

Speaker 3 I don't know if you can do it for real.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, lights out for him.

Speaker 6 Did he die with a tube sock on his dick, naked?

Speaker 3 Did he? Wasn't that the Red Hot Chili Pipper?

Speaker 2 Underwear, right? They would just wear underwear.

Speaker 3 What was he doing? Heroin?

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 they were doing.

Speaker 2 They would mainline Coke. They would fucking shoot up Coke.
Jesus. And then

Speaker 2 do heroin right after. It was like speed balls, but they were shooting up the speedballs individually.

Speaker 4 God damn.

Speaker 3 That's why they were so great.

Speaker 3 I feel like there's not enough artists that do

Speaker 3 hard to do. That's cool.
You know, that's the real talent when it comes to music. Yeah.

Speaker 3 He's doing

Speaker 2 it. He's the fucking rock music.

Speaker 3 The best music is.

Speaker 2 Is the ability to do that level of fucking narcotics? Yeah,

Speaker 2 the best music.

Speaker 4 Are there any rappers that are doing heroin?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I think you got to be up for that.
Huh?

Speaker 4 I feel like you got to be up to rap.

Speaker 3 Yeah. But I figure it would be cool.
Well, actually, I guess the codeine is like kind of like,

Speaker 3 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I would respect a rapper that mixed PCP and mushrooms all the time.

Speaker 2 That's like the mindset of somebody who I would like to hang out with.

Speaker 3 That's like some ICP shit. Let them play everything.
That is Juggalo shit. Juggalo shit.
Let's just go wet.

Speaker 3 Mushrooms. Yeah, PCP.

Speaker 4 Let's get wet, guys.

Speaker 4 That'll be our next thing.

Speaker 3 You get wet before?

Speaker 4 I never got wet, man. No.

Speaker 3 I was always scared of hardcore shit because my dad smoked crack and did every heroin and all that shit.

Speaker 4 Oh, so you were out on. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And even like Coke, I've never even... You've never gone into the city.
I've been in ecstasy, but Coke,

Speaker 3 when I was growing up, remember they used to be like crack cocaine? Right. So they were like related.
So I was like, I was like,

Speaker 3 crack crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So cocaine is for rich people. No, I know, but it was like cracks.
And cocaine was his last name.

Speaker 2 Well, Cracks is cocaine's shitty son.

Speaker 2 He can't get his shit together. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Cocaine's the Wall Street. So it's almost like saying Bond, James Bond.
Yeah. He said the last name first.

Speaker 3 Cocaine. Crack cocaine.
Crack cocaine.

Speaker 3 PCP was big in DC.

Speaker 6 That's what Tony Woods was said. He said everyone was doing.

Speaker 6 He said that that's why Martin Lawrence went crazy.

Speaker 3 Because of PCP.

Speaker 2 Apparently. Once you get famous, they don't let you do PCP anymore.

Speaker 3 But I feel like whenever new drugs come out or when they're hot, like anything, it's just, you got, like, I remember listening to my uncle talking about when they would smoke crack at parties.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 3 It's a joint. Because it was something new.
So it was like, so you don't know what new ring is.

Speaker 2 Well, think about all the shit that was new at one point that now, in retrospect, you're totally embarrassed you like. Like the Venga boys.

Speaker 3 Like, that's like crack cocaine. You know?

Speaker 2 Like, you didn't think that Who Let the Dogs Out wasn't going to be a cool song.

Speaker 3 You had all the Baja Men posters.

Speaker 4 Who Let the Dogs Out is a good song.

Speaker 3 I don't give a fuck what anyone says. Crack Ocanus.
You know?

Speaker 4 Yeah, there's that. I mean, fucking Wu-Tang raps about fucking

Speaker 4 smoking cess.

Speaker 4 The combination made my eyes bleed.

Speaker 3 And what's Sess?

Speaker 4 It's just...

Speaker 3 What is it? Is it PCP or? Hold on, what was the lyric again?

Speaker 4 Cess and weed, the combination made my eyes cess and weed, the combination made my eyes bleed. I think it's like it's somewhere.

Speaker 2 I always thought sess just meant weed.

Speaker 4 No, no. I did too.

Speaker 3 No, no. Yeah, me too.
But it makes sense because he said

Speaker 4 makes my eyes bleed. Yeah.
He said cess and weed.

Speaker 3 So yeah, that's what we need.

Speaker 4 It's some kind of weird drug that it's like everyone was just doing what he didn't know anyway.

Speaker 3 I remember dude, I mean, I remember one thing that my mother did that shit. He told me about it.
He was smoking wet.

Speaker 3 He started punching people on the train for no reason. PCB?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Just punching people in the face for no reason. And he was like, I'm never going to do drugs again.

Speaker 3 He had a reason.

Speaker 3 He had a reason. He was on PCP.

Speaker 2 That's a totally valid reason. Look, if you can punch people because you think they're a Nazi, you should be able to punch people because you're on PCP.

Speaker 3 Everyone on the train is a fucking Nazi. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that validity. PC is bad.

Speaker 2 That's all about perception.

Speaker 3 Why not?

Speaker 6 Being able to lift a Ford F-150 truck must be.

Speaker 3 I can already do that, dude. No, you can't.

Speaker 2 First of all, you're not allowed to buy an F-150 unless you can lift it. Unless you can curl it.

Speaker 3 They measure your dick.

Speaker 2 They measure your dick, and it has to be huge.

Speaker 3 And you have to have.

Speaker 3 It's a ruler that says.

Speaker 6 Dennis Leary is the voice of Ford Trucks, right?

Speaker 2 They have a penis ruler at the Ford dealership. I know, I work there.
And the inches are labeled Hyundai, Kia, Toyota, Mitsubishi,

Speaker 2 Daewoo.

Speaker 3 Daewoo's too high up.

Speaker 4 Datsun is the first one.

Speaker 2 Well, that's Nissan. Oh, is it?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's badass.

Speaker 2 Back in the Datsun days.

Speaker 3 Yeah. My dad had a Datsun.
Yeah. And then when I was like 16, he was like, yo, I don't know if you're my son.

Speaker 3 It's fucked up.

Speaker 6 Wait, Datsun was Nissan, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Datsun, it was like a weird star or some shit like that.
Like, oh, it was like a.

Speaker 5 Your crack-smoking dad had a Datsun? He could hold down a Datsun.

Speaker 3 But that shit was like probably when Nissan Maximus was out. Right, right.
So Datsun was like, Why do you have that piece of shit?

Speaker 3 What the fuck is this piece of shit? I got a new car. You got a new piece of shit? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Fuck this car.

Speaker 2 Take the train, bro.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Have you ever robbed someone? No, have you? No. Oh, yeah.
Let's go. Yeah, I do.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you talked about it.

Speaker 2 I was just, I was involved. I was there.
I was like a happenstance happening. It was an accessory, bro.
Yeah, pretty much. I just was trying to get a ride home.
Accessoride.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 4 How'd you get started robbing Pete? Huh? You just wanted to rob?

Speaker 3 Nah. I got robbed when I was a kid.
I got robbed one time. It was like by my closest, like one of my closest dudes stole a fucking gift.

Speaker 2 That's what's happened to me, dude. I mean, we do this show, and these guys fucking take a cut.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 you get right, and then you got to rob other people. Right.
Because then you lose that sense of remorse where you're like, dude, I got to get somebody else.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm going to steal this TV while Nick's sleeping one of these days.

Speaker 3 No, this shit is big as fuck. Like, I say, I don't steal no more, but I appraise.

Speaker 3 How much do you think this TV costs? It shit costs like at least a month's rent for me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It costs more than a month's rent for me.

Speaker 3 Okay. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 3 I was thinking about that on the way here. I was like, the only reason you would live this far is if you pay like $2 a month.

Speaker 2 Something like that. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It was like a real great deal.

Speaker 2 I've never paid more than $600 a month in New York.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Is it because you go to like the places that's not overpopulated with fucking...

Speaker 2 No, the first two places I live were Chinatown. And my rent, my first, my first place was $350 a month.

Speaker 3 No one wants to live in Chinatown.

Speaker 2 Yeah, nobody does.

Speaker 3 You smell fish all day. Right.

Speaker 3 fish and garbage.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You just, what you do is you just pretend you're in the Blade Runner.

Speaker 3 Where'd you move there from?

Speaker 2 Last, I was in Maryland. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So that was cool. Like, you moved to fucking Chinatown?

Speaker 2 The shittiest place I lived was in Los Angeles. I lived in a garage.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I mean, that Largebron, you're in Larsbront, right?

Speaker 3 Or Batwater. At water.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's a nice neighborhood, though.

Speaker 3 In a garage?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I lived in a garage that fucking there was sewage that would back up after Oh. I soaked all of my clothes and pieces.

Speaker 6 It is a nice neighborhood, though.

Speaker 3 What, Atwater? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Atwater Village.

Speaker 7 Whose garage was it?

Speaker 2 Some lady, you know what's so funny? The first place I went to, like, when I, I was staying on Reinstow's couch, and so I started doing the Craigslist thing, like, trying to find a place.

Speaker 2 And every place I looked was a fucking nightmare. And I went to one place in Atwater the first time, and,

Speaker 2 you know, it's like a decently priced place, and I go in, and it's like two, like, you know, like housekeeping, like those kind of ladies, like middle-aged, you know, sort of troll-ish-looking,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 immigrants. Yeah, but, you know, like the ones that look like they're, you know, indentured servants for Motel 6.

Speaker 2 And then this older, like, Mexican guy showed me the place, and he showed me the room. He's like, I think it was listed for $500 or whatever, but he's real out of it.

Speaker 2 And the room looked like shit, and it would have to be living with these two old women, and it was like dark in there, and it smelled bad.

Speaker 2 And he shows me the bathroom, and there's like the bathtub is just backed up with like fucking stagnant water. And I was like, What the fuck is this? He's like, Yeah, it's okay, you know.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm like, I don't know if this is okay or not, you know.

Speaker 2 But you know, I was like, I just wanted a room, maybe it would be temporary, I had to get off my friend's couch.

Speaker 2 So, he shows me the room, and I'm like, Yeah, so I'm like, it's like what, 400, you know, everything included, you know, and I figured I'd just try and shake him down or whatever.

Speaker 2 but yeah and he was like yeah that's fine it's whatever you know you just come bring me the money you know so I'm like I don't know this seems like a scam yeah so I'm walking out and I'm leaving the place

Speaker 2 and this this Mexican dude's like

Speaker 2 you know so

Speaker 2 he just like he turns to me and he's like if you just want to

Speaker 2 You know, maybe come back a little later and bring me money. And he's like tearing up.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, fuck, maybe.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'll go look at other places. And then there's this like painting of the moon in like the trash outside.
And he's like,

Speaker 3 do you see this?

Speaker 2 And I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 and he's like,

Speaker 2 my girlfriend, she just

Speaker 3 broke up with me.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. And he's like,

Speaker 3 I've been at these far.

Speaker 2 She breaks up with me.

Speaker 2 And then he starts crying on on my shoulder.

Speaker 2 And I'm just like patting this fucking middle-aged Mexican guy.

Speaker 3 He's showing you

Speaker 3 before in my life. And he's just sort of crying on my shoulder.

Speaker 2 And he's like sobbing. And I'm like,

Speaker 2 sorry, I guess. He's like, well, you come back later and bring the money.
I'm like, I don't fucking know. So then I found this other place with this woman.

Speaker 2 And, you know, she's showing me the apartment. It's a pretty good deal.
It's like $600 a month, everything included. And this is a room inside the house at the time.
And

Speaker 2 she's like, like, yeah, you know, my son's here half the time. He spends half the time with his dad.

Speaker 2 And it's like, you know, all this stuff dedicated to her son, which is fine because people love their kids or whatever.

Speaker 2 But, you know, she's telling me, you know, like, oh, well, he's an actor and he's been in a lot of stuff. You know, Nickelodeon likes him a lot.
You know, he's seven.

Speaker 2 And it's like, oh, man, this kid sounds like he sucks. Yeah.
And so she's showing me the house or whatever. And she's like, well, this will be your room.
It'll look like a nice room and shit.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, yeah, it seems like a good deal. And I'm like, fuck it.
Man, I just cut the check, handed it to her. I'm like, I'll go move my stuff in later.

Speaker 2 And then I was like talking to somebody afterwards and I was like, yeah, I told them the deal. And they're like, yeah.
And they're like, the kid's there? I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 2 They're like, oh, well, how many bedrooms is it? And I thought about it. I'm like, well, there's my room, the bathroom.
There's her room. And then,

Speaker 2 oh, I guess this kid just doesn't exist.

Speaker 3 I guess she

Speaker 2 like because there's no room for a kid here.

Speaker 3 What? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was convinced that she just had some dead son that she could like, you know, made up in her head or died.

Speaker 8 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 But the kid was real. I just, after the Mexican guy experience, I figured that would make sense.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 So then she left you into the garage?

Speaker 2 No, the kid would sleep with her in her bed.

Speaker 2 There was another couple living in the garage, and then there was a guy that just rented the driveway and lived in a van.

Speaker 3 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 The garage couple was like,

Speaker 2 it was this kid who was like, he was like near my age. He was like 20 or something.

Speaker 2 And just like a dumbass, overenthusiastic dude, bro. You know? Right, of course.

Speaker 2 Like an Occupy guy? No, this was right. I told you this story before.
This was like right around when Occupy Occupy was just getting started.

Speaker 2 So there was Occupy LA going on, and they went, the couple and the guy in the driveway, because they were like, it's a bunch of people and were like making a huge push to legalize weed across the country.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, they were those people or whatever.

Speaker 4 I love it.

Speaker 2 And yeah, they lived, but that kid out in the garage, it was great. He had like a his girlfriend was like twenty nine and he was twenty and she had like a mixed race kid.

Speaker 2 And the father the father was this like enormous black dude.

Speaker 2 They would come over sometimes and they would all hang out together.

Speaker 3 It's so fucking weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then the guy that lived in the driveway,

Speaker 2 I'm going to fucking sound like a driveway. Yeah, there was a guy that lived in a van in the driveway, like fucking Cody from Step by Step.

Speaker 2 And he was this aging hippie that was like, yo, I'm like a weed activist, dude. I actually have...
Everyone in this is why LA sucks.

Speaker 2 Because literally everyone in LA won't ever say anything after High My Name Name Is other than here's what I'm doing currently. Here are my fucking credits.

Speaker 2 Nobody's a fucking human being. Nobody's having a shitty time.
They're all just, you know, like they present you their resume to you immediately.

Speaker 2 So this guy's like, yeah, we actually have like a TV channel going on. We actually, you know, it's we've gone grown beyond a show.

Speaker 2 We have a whole channel now, which just meant like a website that had a couple of shitty videos.

Speaker 3 Right, right, right, right. And you want to call that a whole TV network.

Speaker 2 But he would just bore the shit out of me.

Speaker 7 Of course, dude.

Speaker 2 An old hippie weed guy the worst. You know, and he would fucking tell me the stories about, oh, yeah, we got this car and we actually converted it to run on

Speaker 2 hemp oil. You know,

Speaker 2 it's like your car doesn't also need to smoke weed.

Speaker 3 I don't fucking

Speaker 3 know what he's like.

Speaker 2 But he's telling this story one time, and he's telling it with the same boring, casual tone he always does. He's like, yeah, you know,

Speaker 2 we hitchhiked all the way down through Mexico, into Guatemala, and then we wound up in

Speaker 2 this mountainous region. And that's actually where I learned Spanish was from the locals in this mountainous region.

Speaker 2 And so when I would go down into the town or whatever, I'd speak my weird mountain Spanish, and everyone would laugh at me being this gringo that didn't speak regular Spanish.

Speaker 2 And then actually, this big

Speaker 2 near Civil War-level conflict broke out. And I remember going down to town one time, and kids were kicking some guy's head around the street like a soccer ball.

Speaker 2 Anyhow, next week, we're having a weed benefit, and it's going to be great.

Speaker 3 And it's just fucking like, you know, it sort of of breezes past.

Speaker 3 Just

Speaker 3 amazing story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 This amazing part of his life he delivers with the same fucking, you know, tone.

Speaker 6 I like to think that it was his fault, the Civil War.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that you couldn't handle his fucking boring-ass stories?

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 he started it, yeah.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ, dude.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's the problem is because all those guys think weed is the most interesting thing in the world. To them, being in a fucking Civil War skirmish doesn't mean shit to them.

Speaker 4 Do you have any fun living situations, Petey? Did you ever live anywhere?

Speaker 3 I lived in a car once for like probably a couple months. A car around here? Nah, in Florida.
Florida? I was like hustling and then I lost everything. Oh, yeah?

Speaker 3 I spent everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I fucking found myself homeless for two months. Really? And I have family that live down there, but I was too prideful to fucking ask them.
Of course.

Speaker 3 And I used to have nice cars, but I lost them all. And I only had my worst car, which was like,

Speaker 3 it was actually a 78 Monte Carlo that in my mind,

Speaker 3 dude.

Speaker 2 Well, no, that's the year they changed the body style, though, and they got smaller.

Speaker 3 A little, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was still long as fuck, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but the 73 to 77 Monte Carlos are the fucking.

Speaker 3 Yeah, those are super. I saw one actually down the block.
Yeah, there is. This guy's like that.
It's like a gray one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I look like that car every day.

Speaker 3 In my mind, I'm like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hook it up. Yeah, but like, I lost all my money before I ever hooked it up.

Speaker 3 So the windows didn't, so I'm like sleeping in like a motel fucking park in a driveway. You know who drives this 78 Monte Carlo? It's right.
training day. Training day, yeah.

Speaker 3 That's what the whole idea was. I was like, yeah, I'm going to hook it up like training day.

Speaker 3 That's awesome.

Speaker 4 What was the hustle? What was the hustle that you were at the kid?

Speaker 3 I can't get into detail, but I'm sure.

Speaker 4 That's how you know it's an actually awesome story.

Speaker 3 It was like a white-collar, it was a white-collar thing, and I was,

Speaker 3 I guess.

Speaker 4 You would go between here and Miami, you said?

Speaker 3 No, I wouldn't live down. I lived down in Florida for like maybe eight to nine years.
Okay. And then I came up here to do comedy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love that Florida is a place where bad people go to have trashy fun. It's so great.

Speaker 3 Because

Speaker 3 there's no limit.

Speaker 2 I had a cousin that moved down to Miami and was just a piece of shit for a while, and then he moved back to Philly and was murdered by the police.

Speaker 3 This is his life story.

Speaker 3 Before I lived in Miami, I lived in Orlando.

Speaker 3 And I had just started getting money.

Speaker 4 You can't hustle in D.C. where you had a car.

Speaker 3 I got carjacked in Orlando. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 In front of a police precinct. Get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I couldn't tell anyone that story. Like, I couldn't tell anyone that story, dude.

Speaker 3 Like, back home, I couldn't be like, yo, you know what just happened to me? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Of course not.

Speaker 3 Yo, who robbed you, Mickey?

Speaker 2 My friends got jumped right in front of the police station in Austin by like 20 guys. They formed a circle around them and sent two people in at a time to kick the shit out of them.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 That's like the most unspeakable. That's right in front of the police department.
That's cool.

Speaker 6 That's like a break dancing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it was like they suspected it was a gang initiation thing.

Speaker 3 Oh, so the cops. So, good thing they didn't break it up.
I'm like, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 Well done.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 2 It's funny because I see my friends who still live in Austin. They're constantly bitching about the APD, you know, for cracking down on, I don't know, whatever.
But then they all get assaulted.

Speaker 3 Like, it's been like a lot of fucking assault.

Speaker 2 I guess I was, technically. I got beat up by those bikers.

Speaker 3 By the Sugar Ray guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, by the Sugar Ray bikers.

Speaker 3 You guys get beat up, dude.

Speaker 2 Because I was making fun of Sugar Ray and some bikers got angry.

Speaker 3 They were a little bit

Speaker 3 banned. Oh,

Speaker 3 the gayest sugar ray.

Speaker 2 Those guys. Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's sugar ray.

Speaker 6 And then you did a set afterwards.

Speaker 2 I did. I did a set afterwards.

Speaker 6 With blood on you. You got beat up.

Speaker 3 That's the best. That's like Teddy Roosevelt.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Got shot and still did the speech.

Speaker 3 You're amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Maybe Teddy Roosevelt was also nine tall boys deep at fucking 7 p.m.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you're like Werner Herzog. You get shot in the stomach and kept doing the interview.

Speaker 3 So you got, you got, what'd you get? Did you get beat up or did you just get hit a few times?

Speaker 2 I got different.

Speaker 2 You couldn't tell the next day.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. Beat up is like your face is swollen.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. It was surprising because the dude was huge.
He was like this enormous guy. I'm like, I'm going to be fucked up tomorrow.
It was nothing, not a marvelous thing.

Speaker 4 Was he in the place where you were doing the set, or did they kick him out?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 the cop showed up, and like, the cops are like, what the fuck happened? I immediately was like, all right, I've never met you before in my life, right? And the cop's like, no, sir, you have not.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, now, I'm going to assume you, as a human being, wouldn't become furious if someone insulted the band Sugar Red.

Speaker 3 That's a normal assumption to make, right?

Speaker 3 And he was like, Yeah, I'd say so.

Speaker 2 I'm like, well,

Speaker 2 ask that guy why he's so fucking mad.

Speaker 3 I'm like, Jesus Christ. And the guy laughed about it, I guess.

Speaker 2 And we're like, you guys don't want to press charge? Because he punched another comic, too.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 2 He's like, you guys don't want to press charges? And we're like, nah, just tell him to leave.

Speaker 3 And he did.

Speaker 2 That was the end of it.

Speaker 3 Y'all some gangsters, man.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I watched it. Yeah, no snitching.

Speaker 3 No pressing charges.

Speaker 2 It's mostly like it's a fucking hassle, you know? Right, do the paperwork.

Speaker 3 Yeah, do the paperwork.

Speaker 2 I don't have to go to a court appearance if they ask me to. It's also like the guy's fucking drunk, you know?

Speaker 2 Not that I have like sympathy for him, but like, you know, if he's on parole or something or probation.

Speaker 3 Fuck that, y'all. Snitch.

Speaker 3 Have you flipped? Have you flipped in your... Nah.

Speaker 3 I'll say that now, but nah.

Speaker 3 I never.

Speaker 4 No, that's what I mean. Now, now, would you snitch, Petey?

Speaker 3 Now, would I snitch?

Speaker 4 To protect your empire, your comedy empire that you're building.

Speaker 3 I probably wouldn't snitch. Because to me, I always look at it like, dude, whatever you're into, you get yourself into.
Right, right, right. It's like no one forced you to do some dumb shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like, if you're forced into doing some shit against your will, then maybe snitch.

Speaker 3 But if you were like, you know what, I'm going to fucking rob this person

Speaker 3 with my boy Stavi.

Speaker 2 Well, let's say snitching is wrong, but what about making shit up to intentionally get an enemy thrown in jail?

Speaker 2 Like, if I were to say that Dan Ninan raped and murdered a toddler.

Speaker 3 It's called lie snitching. Yeah.
Oh, live snitching. You got dry snitching? That's live snitching.
Dry snitching? And then you got live snitching.

Speaker 6 What's dry snitching? I would never snitch, but I do. I do.
Actually, I probably would snitch.

Speaker 3 You would snitch it on. I can see you got a snitch face.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 He looks like he'll flip real quick. Oh, my God.
It would flip quick as hell. I feel like he'd like chill for a second and then be like, all right, I'll tell you what.

Speaker 6 I would never snitch, but I do, whenever I'm in an Applebee's, sign up all my enemies for the Applebee's to go email list.

Speaker 6 That's my version of gaming.

Speaker 3 You know what I love doing?

Speaker 3 I haven't seen it.

Speaker 2 They don't do it at Verizon anymore, but they used to have monitors up, and you could put your name in the line, and it would have the initial for your first name, and then the rest your last name.

Speaker 2 And so you just sign up names like Stephen Hithead or

Speaker 2 Francis Agate.

Speaker 2 And I just fill a queue with that, and then we just watch the front desk until one of the employees looks up, and then

Speaker 3 people start frantically deleting everything on the computer.

Speaker 2 That is a fucking you know, it's a good prank that I I never got into, but I wish I had as a teenager and I don't think you can do anymore is uh RF hijacking of drive-thrus. What's that?

Speaker 2 So the headsets connect to that speaker box through like walkie-talkie shit.

Speaker 8 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 So you can just sit outside

Speaker 2 with a scanner, find the frequency and broadcast over the drive-thru.

Speaker 3 Get out of here. Why can't we do that now? Click around.

Speaker 2 I think it switched to Bluetooth or. I mean, they probably switched them all over to some kind of digital technology.

Speaker 6 I had a friend in high school who used to just go to Del Talk or Jack in the Box late at night and just make a huge drive-through order, like when there was only one guy working, and then get to the register.

Speaker 6 They hand him the food, and he'd be like, I forgot my wallet. And like 10 times out of 10, they're like, all right, just take the food, dude.

Speaker 3 I'll go for it. What?

Speaker 6 Yeah. If you're like working alone at a Del Talk in the middle of the night, they don't give a f ⁇ .

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 you could go into any

Speaker 3 restaurant.

Speaker 2 You could go into literally any of the pizza chains and say, Do you have any fuck-up pizzas that you're giving away?

Speaker 2 I've worked with homeless people and I want to give it to them. Or you could just say, I'm a police officer, and they'll make you a free pizza.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 I said that all the time.

Speaker 3 Or you could just say, Give me a pizza, and then say, Give me that shit, and don't pay him. What the fuck are you going to do? And then you just walk away.

Speaker 2 I mean, I worked at all those places.

Speaker 3 What the fuck are you going to do?

Speaker 2 I worked at all those places, and my honest response would be like, Yeah, literally nothing.

Speaker 3 Just made me go.

Speaker 2 I'm so glad you're hurting this business that's exploiting me.

Speaker 3 I used to work at a sneaker store in a fucking hood in Liberty City, dude. And like, yo, is that the town from Grandpa?

Speaker 3 Dude, people would do it. Like, it was in the middle of the hood, so you could only imagine.
Like, we had Jordans and shit, so it was like Fort Knox for the hood. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 It's like your fucking treasury and some shit. And your dudes would come in, and there was like a security guard.
It's like this old Haitian dude with an old school revolver.

Speaker 3 No one cares. None of the employees care.
Like, if you came in and just shoplifted,

Speaker 3 we wouldn't even snitch on the person and we saw it. We'd just be like, well,

Speaker 3 she got a new shirt. Only thing is he's got the security thing on it, so hopefully he can get that off.

Speaker 2 I worked at a cell phone kiosk in these, like, I guess,

Speaker 2 I don't know who did it, but somebody jimmied open the lock and stole, like, three new

Speaker 2 the Nemember the Nextelps. Well, the Nextel I-830 that was like

Speaker 3 the silver and blue joint?

Speaker 2 That was the 930.

Speaker 3 But, yeah. Which one was the I-830? The black one? Yeah, it was the one that was the one.
The black and yellow. one.
Yeah, yeah. 830 was before that.

Speaker 2 But those are the hot phones. So someone sold either 930s or 830s.

Speaker 5 How much did those cost back then?

Speaker 3 MSRP was a lot, dude. That was like $700.

Speaker 3 That was fucking crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Without a contract.

Speaker 6 They were big for construction, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Initially, everybody selling drugs.
Everybody buying drugs.

Speaker 3 The two-way.

Speaker 2 Everybody loved the two-way shit. So where you at?

Speaker 3 The feds got'em. Yo, the feds is on us.

Speaker 3 Get rid of the shit, so the feds is on us.

Speaker 2 Well, I remember somebody jimmied open lock and stole it, and I showed my boss and like the amount of fucking N-words that came out of his mouth.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ. This is Iranians.
These niggas. Yeah, yeah.
It was like, oh, fucking, they're all the fucking same niggas.

Speaker 3 That's the hard part about shit. Because, like, I don't know.
Like,

Speaker 3 tribalism, like, that dude you were talking about, what was his name? Fucking. Pop son.
Pop son? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he's the type of dude that's not down with tribalism.

Speaker 3 Like, he's not like, dude, because you look like me, we're cool. Yeah, right, right, right.
And I'm trying to, I'm, like, the same way. Like, I hate that.

Speaker 3 Like, I hate having to be for your cause because we look the same.

Speaker 4 You hate the automatic.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like, right, right. Yeah, it's all about jokes.

Speaker 2 You know, if there's a way to make a joke out of something, then do it.

Speaker 3 I say that. My family shows just not giving a fuck to the extent of being like, well, you know what my people went through?

Speaker 3 I didn't go through that. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm not trying to discredit the past or whatever, but it's just like...

Speaker 3 The fuck, bro. Yeah.

Speaker 6 If someone looks like me, I just break their glasses.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't like doppelgangers.

Speaker 3 I think that's the the bottom line. I don't like people that look like that was the worst.
No, nobody does, dude.

Speaker 2 When somebody finds somebody that looks like,

Speaker 2 look, dude, I found you at this other thing.

Speaker 3 You're like, shut the fuck up, dude. They're always uglier.
They're always a little uglier. It's never a hotter version.

Speaker 6 I see Cybrus's all day long.

Speaker 3 Yeah. No, you don't.

Speaker 6 Public transit.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Actually, we do have that game where we'll be in public and we'll see a fat guy. We're like, look at this.

Speaker 4 I have my beautiful inner fire.

Speaker 3 That was the worst thing in the world.

Speaker 6 Moving here for comedy and then just going to a mic and seeing like 40 different dudes that look like me. Yeah, there are a hundred of you that are like, yeah, that are like, yeah, I'm a Jewish.

Speaker 3 Shut up, Kyke.

Speaker 3 DC, we all stand up for some DC together. Yeah,

Speaker 6 and they're literally all named Adam Friedland, too.

Speaker 3 I don't know how it's even possible.

Speaker 2 My favorite is the guys on the Patreon that call you Aaron in the comments.

Speaker 3 Oh, those are my fans. Those are my number one fans.

Speaker 2 That's the funniest shit there.

Speaker 3 Aaron Friedland. Yeah, I really don't like the Aaron guy.

Speaker 4 That is such awesome disrespect.

Speaker 3 Not even bothering to learn your name while fucking saying you suck.

Speaker 3 Listen, dude. I love him.
I love each and every one of them. Any publicity is good publicity.
Yeah, even if they spell the name wrong.

Speaker 2 That's why I cause trouble online.

Speaker 2 We lose $400 or $500 in subscribers every time I do it. But eventually it goes back up like $20.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 6 the right is abandoning us, the left is abandoning us.

Speaker 2 When I was writing for Thought Gala, I had like a meeting with them, and when I first started writing with them, and I wrote some article that was like

Speaker 2 children's letters to the war on Christmas troops, and I just drew all these like, you know,

Speaker 2 childish drawings or whatever. Or, you know what, I think it was.

Speaker 2 I think it was like

Speaker 2 there was some BuzzFeed article that was like,

Speaker 2 British people try to draw a map of the United States, and like everything's placed wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't know what this is might you know or whatever so I did some fucking thing that was like uh well African kids try to draw a map of the United States there's like bite marks in the map and

Speaker 3 it was like please send food

Speaker 3 you know stuff like that

Speaker 2 and the guy who owned the company like you met with me he's like yeah dude we lost 300 Facebook likes off that like a bunch of people said they'll never read the website again I'm like oh shit I'm sorry he's like no that's good dude he's like that's what I want because you know eventually we're gonna get a new audience from it and it's gonna bring other people and and we're going to diversify.

Speaker 2 So I'm really excited about this. And that just never happened.

Speaker 2 I continued to destroy their brand until eventually they hired Jim Goad and Gavin McInnes and then made their name for themselves being a racist website.

Speaker 2 Jesus. You know, that was crazy.

Speaker 6 It went from like a teenage girl feelings website to like a racist men's website

Speaker 3 overnight.

Speaker 3 What's the website? Thought catalog. I didn't know that.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Well, they hired Jim Goad.
And a lot of people don't like Jim.

Speaker 2 Jim's been around for like 30 years. I mean, he was like a zine guy.
Gotcha.

Speaker 3 You feel like it's not racist if you don't kill the race you're talking about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's my rule.

Speaker 3 No, it's still a good job.

Speaker 2 Unless murder happens.

Speaker 3 Or you don't give them a job. But even then, that's your fucking right if you're the employer.
Milo gets railed at by black dudes, so he can't be racist.

Speaker 2 It's actually literally not.

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 that's against a lot of laws. Well,

Speaker 3 say you're an employer and you don't like Asians. You can't.
You don't got to hire.

Speaker 3 How do they know you don't like Asians? Because none of them work for you?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, look,

Speaker 3 you give cheat the system, but you're not supposed to. You can obfuscate the reason you're not hiring.

Speaker 2 Also, if you're an employer, you like Asians.

Speaker 3 I didn't want to say black people, but you don't like black people. And you're like, all right.

Speaker 3 You're like, all right, Jamal, I don't want to fucking hire you.

Speaker 4 No, they would cat. Yeah, that's illegal as hell.
You're not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 2 I keep having the Asians working for me. They're like, yes, I do another 15 hours today.

Speaker 3 I will make every product faster.

Speaker 2 And they do it. Efficiently and well.

Speaker 3 Asians are dope, man. Like, when they fucking, when they shut down the bodegas the other day, I was a little nervous, but I'm like, well, the Chinese people are still here, so we're good.

Speaker 3 As long as the fucking chicken wings are fried hard.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You care more about money.

Speaker 4 I love a damn Chinese.

Speaker 3 Dude, I got a chicken soup yesterday for $2.

Speaker 3 Really? Was it good? I mean, it was chicken soup, chicken noodle soup.

Speaker 2 Dude, did you watch The Night Of? I only saw the first episode. They hit up my girl in The Night Of.
They go to my old favorite dumpling spot. Really? That fried dumplings place on

Speaker 2 Moscow. Moscow, in between Mott and Mulberry.

Speaker 9 There's like a dumpling in that little fucking alley.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I thought they shut that down.

Speaker 3 Didn't they shut it down? Because they said they were making the dumplings in

Speaker 3 the outside. It was a different place.

Speaker 2 Prosperity Dumplings

Speaker 2 got shut down because they were making dumplings in the back with rats crawling all over the place.

Speaker 3 Just outside.

Speaker 3 Those are good dumplings. They were good, and they're cheap as hell.

Speaker 2 No, this place is fucking cool.

Speaker 2 He goes there and they let the woman who works at the place be in the show. Oh, tight.
He's like, Let me go to dumpling page. She's like, Yeah, five minutes.

Speaker 3 They just left her in there.

Speaker 2 That's the most, yeah, that's the most because the location of this guy was like, Hey, yeah, so we're going to shoot here, and then we'll have somebody come behind the counter and they'll play you or whatever.

Speaker 3 No, five minutes.

Speaker 3 I guess she just stays in.

Speaker 2 She's basically Chinese detective munch.

Speaker 3 That's what it is.

Speaker 3 I'm a detective. I play Munch! I play Munch.

Speaker 3 She's in fucking Law and Order now.

Speaker 3 Lichard. Wow, fuck.
That's a hard one.

Speaker 3 Bearsard.

Speaker 3 Bearsard.

Speaker 2 That's one for the ages.

Speaker 3 Lichelle. Was he? Richard.
Lichell?

Speaker 2 Little Richard. That must be a hard one for him, huh?

Speaker 3 Yeah, little Richard. Twitter Lichelle.
Little Richard.

Speaker 3 Come right next to me, karaoke. Is this racist or funny? It is racist.
Hold on, Carl. It's both.

Speaker 2 It is 100% racist.

Speaker 3 Without question, inexcusably racist. You're saying Riddle Lichard

Speaker 3 is racist. It's definitely racist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we're not, you know.

Speaker 3 This is going to entertain the fuck out of people. I'm just saying.

Speaker 3 If I heard this shit, I'd be like, man, these guys are fucking entertaining as fuck.

Speaker 2 The people that get mad about this shit are already mad.

Speaker 3 And those are the people I don't want to be friends with.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 I don't know if it's racist.

Speaker 4 It's more of a thought experiment.

Speaker 4 How would would a racist person? Well, racism in general is if they were making fun of a Chinese person saying Little Richard, how would they do it?

Speaker 6 Also, you know, you could be racist, but still be great art, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, this is not what this is. Like I said, racism

Speaker 3 did not make great art. I think it's great art.
One day we could. I think this is

Speaker 3 a painting.

Speaker 3 I feel like

Speaker 3 I'm like a soul from one of the old dudes that got away when they were hanging people.

Speaker 3 But I live now and I'm just like, man, you guys think this is bad?

Speaker 3 They know they ain't roping you up for this shit. Yeah, this ain't racism, this is someone's thought.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the worst thing that happens nowadays is you get punched. People have different punchings going on, and that's like,

Speaker 4 yeah, you know, state

Speaker 3 everybody,

Speaker 3 people. There's a

Speaker 3 lot of people who are still in the world. But back in the day, they were like, yo, we're killing black people.
Everybody come to the party and watch the show.

Speaker 3 They were toasted. They were like, oh, niggas, niggas, balls, fried up.
That is true. Now

Speaker 2 That's why they shut Prosperity Dumpling down.

Speaker 3 That's how they were making them.

Speaker 9 The N-ball dumplings.

Speaker 3 Pain fried.

Speaker 3 Damn, I'm hungry. Yeah, I could

Speaker 3 go for a dumpling.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, we've fulfilled our obligated time slot.

Speaker 3 I didn't mean to end the episode.

Speaker 2 With what? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you rubbing yourself?

Speaker 6 I've got that hair because I put my feet up here on the

Speaker 3 Ottoman.

Speaker 2 Well, that's the end of the episode.

Speaker 3 Wait, shouldn't we say when the shows are shit?

Speaker 6 Yes. We got

Speaker 6 Caroline's on the 21st, and then on the following Monday on the 28th or 27th, I can't remember. We're back at Come On, Everybody.

Speaker 3 You guys have to come to both of them.

Speaker 6 I know that we're doing too many shows now. You're going to be overlitted with Comeboy content, but you got to come to both.

Speaker 4 I think the second one's going to be a fundraiser, so you feel good or something.

Speaker 7 Maybe a fundraiser.

Speaker 3 One of them.

Speaker 4 One of them should be a fundraiser.

Speaker 6 Yeah, we're going to get... Well, anyway, all of the Patreon money does go to charity.

Speaker 3 Oh, you got the fucking charity.

Speaker 4 It goes straight to the ACLU.

Speaker 3 I don't give a fuck. Oh, I'm about to say you guys are nice.

Speaker 3 I would do charity if I had millions. Until I get millions, I'm not giving up.
I should do a little charity. PD, do you want to plug anything?

Speaker 3 I want to fucking... I don't know, man.
I'm out here.

Speaker 3 Just find me. Look with me in the credits.
I don't know. You guys got credits and shit.
People look at credits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I always say that.

Speaker 3 At the end of the shit, people go, What do you want to play? I'm like, dude, just fucking look me up, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 PD's a great comic for those that don't live in New York. He was on a, I don't know if he was on one of the premiums.

Speaker 4 He was.

Speaker 3 Come Town. He was.
Was it? That shit was lit.

Speaker 6 Was that before we recorded?

Speaker 7 No, no, no. He was on it.
He was on it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit was so lit.

Speaker 6 He's hilarious.

Speaker 3 Thanks for you. You guys finally checked out and all that shit.
Yeah, we did.

Speaker 3 Do you guys still do that place? Yeah. That shit was cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, bros.
End of the month.

Speaker 4 Well, come to our shows. Thanks for listening, buddy.
Later. It was dope.