The Adventure Zone Royale: Episode 12

Speaker 1 Previously on Taz Royale. We think it would actually be a great idea for the three of us to team up against the Titanic.
That sounds great. Oh, yeah, I was cursed.
I was cursed. Sorry, guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was cursed by death. But it seems cool now because I fed it.

Speaker 1 Right now we're fighting for second place or third place. I say we turn our attacks on the tree.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sorry about this, HC Chain. It's like it's purely a strategic because like you hit us with needles too.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 And everything goes dark. And then a second later, you

Speaker 1 four

Speaker 1 are standing on the steps of the Ziggorot. Congratulations, aspirants.
You have survived the trial of evocation.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to Taz Royale, our winner-take-all battle royale season of the Adventure Zone.

Speaker 1 When last you joined us, I don't actually know when last you joined us. That's not really how a pie game was.
It was a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday for you.
For us, it was just Tuesday also. Yes.

Speaker 1 We have roughly equivalent human experiences.

Speaker 1 You all completed, survived the trial of evocation.

Speaker 1 A third place finish, but boy, that sure beats fourth place. The prize for fourth place is...
You're fired. His death.
From life. His death.

Speaker 1 So the trial wraps up. The rest of the day sort of unfolds in a daze as you all get used to being back in your own non-swampy bodies again.

Speaker 1 That is a gross way of saying that.

Speaker 1 Also, you don't know what the humidity is like on this island. I do.
Check this out. It's quite dry.
Oh, it's a dry. Yeah, you're up high.
You're floating in the air and it's drier up here.

Speaker 1 You all watch us.

Speaker 1 I'm reading a romantic novel right now where at the beginning they were like, the weather in this kingdom is so unpredictable one day it would be so cold the next day it's freezing and then it's sunny and it's like okay man just say you didn't want to keep track of what the weather is like

Speaker 1 just say just say whatever crazy crap i write here makes sense because it's like a wild weather yes amazing so you all watch from the safety and comfort of the ziggurat as two more groups of 16 aspirants for uh teams of four take on this trial of evocation uh And from sort of the Ziggorod in the center of the island, you have sort of a hard time following the proceedings.

Speaker 1 So as the sun sets and the last of the elementals falls, aspirants file into the grand foyer of the ziggurat with its many tiered fountains and holographic projections of the fallen aspirants.

Speaker 1 It is not until now that you get sort of an idea of who's gone. There is a chime of a pleasant sounding bell, and 12 more holographic busts materialize around the room.

Speaker 1 Obviously, the American magical gladiators, Hays Days, Blaze, and Rays, who Rictus dispatched when you were in your elemental form, they get their holograms appear. And

Speaker 1 you all sort of get lulled into a sense of security as the other faces that appear are unfamiliar to you.

Speaker 1 There's the stage performer Presto Jones, Dwarven Strongman, Storm Brother Watts, Icora the Witch, the Ice Clown Zach Frost,

Speaker 1 paring down our list of almost identical ice-based wizards,

Speaker 1 the straitjacket wearing Mr. Mister, Hell Grammat, you see two Thrykeen

Speaker 1 join the memorial. There's the egg sack wielding brood and the imposing cricket man Hopper.

Speaker 1 None of these faces are, you know, belong to people that you have become particularly close to to on the island so far, at least not in the recorded podcast.

Speaker 1 But the last face that appears catches you all by surprise, especially you, Loraveth.

Speaker 1 You see in the last of these alcoves a hologram of the masked countenance of Absolute Zero, the icy ninja who accompanied you in the previous trial. Was he the one that went into the eggs?

Speaker 1 He is the one who went into one of the eggs, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It strikes you all that the crowd assembled here is nearly half of the first assembly uh that you had sort of surrounding the ziggurat 28 wizards have fallen in total and 36 remain griffin yeah um

Speaker 1 uh do you have wizards that have died that you did

Speaker 1 that you didn't get to like do stuff do like is there are there ones that like

Speaker 1 we could say goodbye to that you didn't get a chance to like

Speaker 1 that didn't get a chance to live oh you're asking like is it i'm just wondering if if we could like yeah here's ones you want to tell us about

Speaker 1 griffin here's what i'd like to ask you right

Speaker 1 I want this guy to talk about some of the ones that we lost and like an immemorium one and an immemorium sort of vibe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it's just talking about the ones that we didn't really get to like spend enough time with.

Speaker 1 For some reason, our narrative doesn't overlap with the ones that were important enough at the school to be it's funny you say that juice because at this exact moment uh trace appears as the uh the octave appears in their their different fountains around the room and trace uh clears her throat she says i've prepared a brief in memoriam segment

Speaker 1 for the aspirants that we've lost thus far and some gentle piano music starts playing go rest high on that mountain by vince gill it's no no no you can't you can't actually be annihilating my maniac.

Speaker 1 It's Taylor Swift's mean. It starts by no, yeah, good.
That's good, man. No, it is a gentle and extremely public domain piano.
It's jingle bells

Speaker 1 starts playing as you see a hologram appear over the central fountain of Bobby Dazzler hitting Bobby Bobby Rolls. That's what he called him.
God, I miss him so much.

Speaker 1 You see

Speaker 1 uh bill shredley appear with his big guitar playing a playing a sweet tune you see betty fortuna appear and start to be like really problematic and racist because that's what justin said she was and then they kind of cut that one off really quick uh you see powder keg kelly the first goblin to to fall uh first the first death as he goes to help out at the orphanage soup kitchen it's a special soup kitchen just for orphans.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 To work at or to have to serve by. No, that's their specialty that they serve.

Speaker 1 Do you like orphan soup? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come on down. It doesn't have orphans in it.
It's just the name of the soup.

Speaker 1 It's a legume-based soup. It used to have orphans in it, but then the FDA got all whatever.
Powder Key Callie would never. He's a sweetheart.

Speaker 1 So the presentation ends, and you look around the room. It is a mix of teary-eyed aspirants and people looking pretty confused because they didn't really know much of anybody.

Speaker 1 So Trace sort of clears her throat,

Speaker 1 wipes her eyes, takes off her Coke bottle glasses, and

Speaker 1 cleans her eyes and says, ah,

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 you all survived. You've proven your mastery of the elements and passed this third trial.
You are all one step closer to deification.

Speaker 1 While I know the terror and sorrows of this ordeal are a lot to bear, the eight of us can assure you this prize is worth it.

Speaker 1 Now, you will have the rest of today and tomorrow to recover before we reconvene for our next trial. Please rest, recover, study, and prepare yourselves.

Speaker 1 A reminder of the ground rules, you must never remove your grimoire. Doing so will mark your immediate disqualification from the conclave.

Speaker 1 You may not attack, injure, or bring direct harm to another aspirant, and you are prohibited still from approaching the crystallarium at the island's northern rim.

Speaker 1 I know that today was strange.

Speaker 1 I know that perhaps you are not prepared for the sort of out-of-body experience that we thrust you all into, but you have proven yourselves a capable capable group of wizards, and we are honored that one of you will join our ranks upon this conclave's finish.

Speaker 1 Excuse me! Yes, Laura. Laura Constantine Wanderer.

Speaker 1 Question: Yes. Who gets the things?

Speaker 1 Sorry. Who gets their things?

Speaker 1 The things. Their personal possessions.
We've lost half our number. I'm just curious if their thing if it's a Dibbs.

Speaker 1 Are you if we're if we're if it's dibs or

Speaker 1 are you under the impression that

Speaker 1 this conclave is some sort of treasure hunting opportunity

Speaker 1 no but they brought things with them they won't be needing them but I'd rather

Speaker 1 I'd wonder if they have some things

Speaker 1 if your aspirants your friends I suppose uh have fallen have bequeathed unto you in

Speaker 1 they want the things to go to use

Speaker 1 know I'd want. Here's an announcement.

Speaker 1 I'm making a formal announcement. Should fake before me

Speaker 1 an untoward demise before my time.

Speaker 1 Use my things.

Speaker 1 They're good things. Many were made for me by my uncle, Renivel.

Speaker 1 He's a good man, a good craftsman. Please put my things to use.
Should I die?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I like to think

Speaker 1 many before me would have shared this same sentiment.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 Rick just raises his hand.

Speaker 1 My dear friend Presto Jones said I could have his stuff.

Speaker 1 Presto Jones.

Speaker 1 I doubt very much that she gave you permission to take her stuff.

Speaker 1 Yes, I have one. I can tell you a very close friends.
Yes. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Betty said that I could have a super Confederate flag.

Speaker 1 It's like a regular Confederate flag, but it's got four lines instead of two. We burned that pretty fast, actually.
That makes sense. Yeah, that's right.
That's what I was going to do with this.

Speaker 1 That's fine. All right.

Speaker 1 Burger Man wanted me to have his coasters. He had a set of coasters with the faces of characters from tales long ago.

Speaker 1 Who's Coaster Man?

Speaker 1 Burger Man clears his throat.

Speaker 1 I'm still here. I didn't die.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 and I didn't say anything like that. Can you imagine the internal indignity of being dead while Burger Man lives? Yeah, there's a lot of names on here that have beaten the odds.

Speaker 1 Gunk is

Speaker 1 gunk is still repping this set, and that's incredible. Gunk is the survivor good.
Duber Sweetleaf, is Duber still around? I can't wait for you guys to meet Duber Sweetleaf.

Speaker 1 Breaks my heart you haven't met Duber Sweetleaf yet. Or Fermaggio Bucatini.
You guys need to fucking get out there gladly. We gotta bring it up.

Speaker 1 I just want to establish the memorial segment in case something does happen to one of them. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 Before

Speaker 1 absolutely.

Speaker 1 Trace looks around. More hands start to go up.

Speaker 1 She says,

Speaker 1 We simply can't keep doing this. If you have questions, please direct them to the crystal in your Grimoire, your personal assistant.

Speaker 1 We're very busy. We're the eight sort of scions of all magic in the fold.
So we, you know, we got to get back to doing that.

Speaker 1 But rest up and we will proceed with the next trial

Speaker 1 in

Speaker 1 the two sunrises hence. Okay.
That sounded weird. Bye.

Speaker 1 Rick just turns to Loriveth and to Hal Grammar and says,

Speaker 1 hey, I need you guys. to come over to my place after sundown tonight.
I have something really important I need to ask you.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll see you then. Thanks, buddy.

Speaker 1 I swear, if he says, have you heard the word of God today and tries to give us a pamphlet?

Speaker 1 Okay, you head out, Rictus.

Speaker 1 Do you similarly head back, Loraveth and Hellgrammat? Yeah, I'm exhausted.

Speaker 1 This will give us a chance to kind of

Speaker 1 talk together and get to know each other a bit.

Speaker 1 Is that something you're even remotely interested in doing,

Speaker 1 No, but there is a walk back. Yeah, I mean, I can't avoid that.
Sure. And I'm too tired to run, so here we are.
Okay,

Speaker 1 you all,

Speaker 1 the two of you walk back to

Speaker 1 your respective houses.

Speaker 1 Really? That

Speaker 1 Burger Man burns me up.

Speaker 1 What is your obsession with the Burgerman?

Speaker 1 I regret it even as I ask it.

Speaker 1 Have you seen him when he does his grease thing?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 I was I to be honest, Bugman. I thought I dreamed it.
No, no, he shoots grease out. Can you imagine how helpful that would be to us in our endeavors to crush these other peons

Speaker 1 and take over the entire competition and win it for myself ourselves?

Speaker 1 Burgerman.

Speaker 1 you feel you can trust this burger man

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 no that's why i want him gone

Speaker 1 don't we inherit the powers of those who die isn't that i thought that was the the gig

Speaker 1 i i'm not sure i want that kind of pressure i'm not sure how these things work i don't want to get to a point where i flick my wrist the wrong way and grease starts shooting out well that's an excellent point i guess you don't have to be very very

Speaker 1 very careful deliberate is the word you're looking for

Speaker 1 Deliberate. Deliberate.
Yes. Oh,

Speaker 1 I just take so much from you.

Speaker 1 I'm learning much from you. Give me a perception check, both of you.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 See, you're learning from each other.

Speaker 1 Tell me why.

Speaker 1 Aw, dang.

Speaker 1 Ah, is it...

Speaker 1 Is it me?

Speaker 1 Lucky seven.

Speaker 1 Okay, both. Adam together.
It's 37. Hell yeah, man.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Both of you are completely oblivious to the fact that Burger Man is traipsing back to his tent, basically right behind you, and he just kind of like brushes past the two of you between.

Speaker 1 Burger Man, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Forget about it. Just forget his tears.
His greasy tears splash to the ground, leaving a trail of...

Speaker 1 And now you both need to make a dexterity saving throw to see if he's falling into tears.

Speaker 1 It's not a cartoonish spray, Travis. This is real shit, okay?

Speaker 1 I didn't mean to

Speaker 1 be stepping on on top of it. To trivialize your crying Burger Man scene.
Okay, seeing that.

Speaker 1 Maybe, maybe I'm not quite so jealous of his.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's the clip we're going to send to Jared Leto when we ask him to play Burger Man in the movie. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 He sent pickles, dead pickles to everybody. It was gross.

Speaker 1 It would be great if he. He filled the hot tub with mustard to getting character.

Speaker 1 He kept saying, I'm flipping out as like a joke, but no, he really was. Yeah, and you would say it and then wait a really long time to see if we'd laugh.

Speaker 1 It was so weird. And then he hopped on his light cycle and rode away.

Speaker 1 It would be so kick-ass if everyone got to the end of the Taz Royale movie and were like, I love that Burger Man's performance.

Speaker 1 But then he takes his head off, revealing it's been Jared Leto the whole time. And he's like, he looks right in the camera and says, Yeah, I bet this is confusing for you, huh?

Speaker 1 You like one of my movies, finally. Got you.
Jared Leto rip. We did in Hollywood.

Speaker 1 You, as you are walking back to your respective

Speaker 1 places of residence,

Speaker 1 Lorovith, you see Gracon waiting by the entrance to his,

Speaker 1 you know, his palatial estate.

Speaker 1 He survived the last trial,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 he

Speaker 1 looks a little bit down.

Speaker 1 And as you come by, he says, Well, Lorovith,

Speaker 1 how did you find this last trial?

Speaker 1 Carla, I'll be

Speaker 1 honest with you, I found it rather unnerving to be sharing my consciousness with uh some of the other members of my... of my team.
What of you? Yes, I uh same.

Speaker 1 It was you know, Oscaliath, a fiercely individual being forced into that against my uh

Speaker 1 with it without my agreement felt uh felt a bit of a trespass. Yes, yes, that Richter C is just a bog full of worms up there, isn't he? Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, Hilgrim, and I didn't see you there. You're such a slight.
Oh, no, um that's fine. Am I intruding? I'm I thought we were.
No, I just wanted to

Speaker 1 check in to see how you were finding the

Speaker 1 contest. Yes, I enjoyed the I enjoyed the being inside somebody else's skin.
I thought that was you are a hugely upsetting angel to speak with. Very opening, eye-opening to me.

Speaker 1 That's a shame. Give me an insight check, Loraveth.
Hell Grammar, you can do one too if you'd like.

Speaker 1 13. Okay.

Speaker 1 One. Not one.

Speaker 1 This is crazy.

Speaker 1 Hell Grammar thinks that Gracon is loving this. Yeah.
Loraveth, with a 13, you have competed with Gracon, I mean, dozens, if not hundreds of times.

Speaker 1 It is sort of, he is, he is your, your rival, and that is a sort of important role in this, like, competitive Goliath society you came up in.

Speaker 1 Uh, you can tell that, like, the thrill, the glory of battle that you have seen kind of like emblazoned across his face is not, is just not there. He is, he is, uh,

Speaker 1 you're familiar enough with your, your culture and with Gracon that you know that he is not uh

Speaker 1 he's not a joint

Speaker 1 does uh

Speaker 1 is it really I don't know what team he was on or like how they did is it related to the

Speaker 1 uh he was on one of the the later teams you didn't compete directly against him uh you can see he is holding a the same kind of like little small leather sack uh with a gold clasp around it so like his team won like you can tell is his team won they did great uh it is just a

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 He seems to not have that kind of post-glorious battle glow that you have,

Speaker 1 you know, seen him exhibit, especially when

Speaker 1 he conquers a foe, as he has done here today.

Speaker 1 He says, I'm sorry to keep you.

Speaker 1 How do you plan to spend your

Speaker 1 intermediary time?

Speaker 1 Good on, if you don't mind me asking,

Speaker 1 why

Speaker 1 you seem unsettled. Is the contest

Speaker 1 proving to be too much for you?

Speaker 1 He looks down at your uh your own prize bag and says it would appear that I performed much, much better than you did in the last trial. It is not a question of performance, it is a question of

Speaker 1 satisfaction. It's this

Speaker 1 I came here

Speaker 1 not to see his godhood, but because this is supposed to be the greatest competition that a magic user can aspire to, but the thrill isn't

Speaker 1 there, Loravith.

Speaker 1 Something feels

Speaker 1 wrong.

Speaker 1 Do you not share this feeling?

Speaker 1 Um, I Griffin, I want to can I do an insight check on myself, sure

Speaker 1 little uh,

Speaker 1 but yeah, if if only it were that easy, IRL. I know.

Speaker 1 15.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, 15, good roll.

Speaker 1 It is tough. I do not want to tell you what your character is feeling.
I think I can tell you that

Speaker 1 you are also familiar with the spirit of competition. You are familiar with the feeling of of competition.

Speaker 1 And what is always so exciting when you are competing, especially in a life or death sort of endeavor as this is,

Speaker 1 is the kind of like

Speaker 1 how unexpected it is, how anything could happen,

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 dynamic sort of nature of a high stakes contest.

Speaker 1 And for as much sort of peril as you have been put into, there is something about what Grikan is saying that kind of resonates with you, where this doesn't, it hasn't felt like a war.

Speaker 1 It hasn't felt like a duel to the death something does feel um

Speaker 1 uh here's griff if i could ask a way i'm i'm pretty used to the the circle of preparation combat right after

Speaker 1 my feeling right now how and i know that that normal feeling of like satisfaction and there's i think for him there's normally like a bit of calm after competition where it's like he feels like he he can rest for a little bit until the next next one and he feels that sort of like balance i think

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 yeah typical that's the usual that is the usual and is that what you're feeling now

Speaker 1 this is what i'm asking you right so i'm asking you right now that's what i would normally be feeling how does how does my mental state that the mental state that he's experiencing that that is being alluded to by

Speaker 1 okay with a i will say this with a usual with a 15 you understand what gracon is saying there is something there is something that has felt off about these victories. There is something that has felt

Speaker 1 a little bit off.

Speaker 1 And I don't know how Loravith would feel about that, but with this insight check into yourself, there is something inside you that kind of understands what he is saying.

Speaker 1 Well, Grakan, there's nothing inside me that understands what you're saying. Unfortunately, none of it resonates with me whatsoever.
Rest well.

Speaker 1 He,

Speaker 1 he, that kind of like shakes him out of it. He smiles and says, yes, you and you as well.
And you, Bugman.

Speaker 1 Sorry for sort of ignoring you. You have made it this far.
You deserve my

Speaker 1 respect. Oh, well.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 1 I take it back immediately. There is nothing respectable about what just happened.
Good evening. And he goes inside of his house to rest.

Speaker 1 Do you think he likes me? He opens the door. No, not really.

Speaker 1 No, I was talking to Lorith.

Speaker 1 You said it at normal.

Speaker 1 Shuts his door.

Speaker 1 You've got to remember human hearing. I know.
So much better than bug hearing. You're like 30% vibrations, man.
I know. And when people speak in that low register, I can't pick up a damn thing.

Speaker 1 I think it's mostly smell for you, right? A lot of smell, yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is tough. It's tough.

Speaker 1 Let's jump forward into the evening. I'll give you guys time to, you know, pursue your own extracurricular activities here, but I do want to resolve what Rictus has set up.

Speaker 1 Hellgrammat and Loraveth, do you

Speaker 1 make your way to Loraveth? Where are you? Loraveth, you're in one of the nice houses. Yeah.
Or Rictus is in one of the nice houses. I was one of the nice houses.
Yes, I misspoke.

Speaker 1 Rictus is in a nice house. Loraveth and Hellgrammet, do you make your way to Rictus's,

Speaker 1 you know, somewhat palatial estate? Yeah. Okay.
Well, after you said we have some free time. I'm going to the cliff to go to sleep.
I'm going to level up. Oh, that wasn't an option.
But

Speaker 1 it will be.

Speaker 1 Give a shot. Yes, we will be leveling up today, but in this moment.
So, Loriveth, you are not going. You are going to sleep.

Speaker 1 No, we should have a conversation. Yes, okay, fine.
Okay. You know what? Here's what happened.

Speaker 1 I got distracted by the conversation that I was having with them, and I walked over there before I realized what I was doing. Okay.

Speaker 1 Cool. You all make your way to Rictus's place.
Uh,

Speaker 1 Rictus, you open the door in there. Are you?

Speaker 1 Uh, come in, come in, please. Um, do you guys want something to drink? I've got um Sauvignon Gronk and some Throgs hard lemonade.

Speaker 1 No, thank you. I just got a coffee.
Okay. Um,

Speaker 1 I would like uh I'll try the the thing, the Gronk thing. The Sauvignon Gronk? Okay.

Speaker 1 All I'm able to get up here is like orc

Speaker 1 alcohol stuff. Sorry, guys.

Speaker 1 Come in.

Speaker 1 Sure. We'll accept orcohol.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that was, sorry, that was not in world because him saying that would

Speaker 1 make it in world.

Speaker 1 So I, Justin McElroy, was asking you if orcohol is permissible. Yeah, it's good.
It's good and great.

Speaker 1 I have two things I want to talk to you guys about. First of all, what do you think about Thunder Dogs? Oh my God, it's a Scud Light.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Yeah, I had one of those.
I haven't had a Scud Light in years. You want a Scud Light? Yeah.
I love a Scud Light. Here you go.

Speaker 1 What do you think about Thunder Dogs?

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 that'd be fine.

Speaker 1 Like for a team name. I'm not red, though.
I'd like to be a good idea. No, like a team.
No, like a team name. Because like, you might think we're underdogs, but we're actually thunder dogs.

Speaker 1 Oh, team name.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Thunderdog. I like it thunder dog and then we can like call my house like the den or the kennel or something what do you think dog den wolf wolf like a wolf den i yeah i guess pack pack

Speaker 1 pack is good their house this is my house

Speaker 1 why don't we call it call it lorvist place

Speaker 1 so we don't lose track

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 it's just like my stuff is here. I'm

Speaker 1 right. Naming rights.
I feel should remain with me. Okay.
I think Law Vis Place is a fine name. Okay.
Generations.

Speaker 1 So that's not, I mean, that's just something that's been stuck in my head for a while. But the reason I asked you guys here,

Speaker 1 you know, I came here

Speaker 1 because like I want to prove that like necromancy isn't just like evil and there's other uses for it. But since I've been here, man, it's just been like one thing after another.

Speaker 1 And it just is starting to feel really dark and kind of heavy. And I need your guys' help performing,

Speaker 1 it's an old Ravenwood kind of rite,

Speaker 1 a ritual, if you will.

Speaker 1 And I need your guys' help to put a bag of dog poop on the gentleman's front doorstep and light it on fire and watch from the bushes as he stamps it out and gets poop all over his shoe.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 boy, this necromancy stuff is dark, though. That's dark.

Speaker 1 I think it'll really help kind of clear the darkness around us and kind of transfer it to him.

Speaker 1 I would like to do

Speaker 1 a

Speaker 1 religion check. Awesome.
To see if

Speaker 1 he's kidding or if it's a prank. Right.
Or if it's real. There's three things it could be.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guess we'll decide. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that is a natural 20. That's a natural 20.

Speaker 1 Natural 20. I mean, Travis, you're the one who can answer this question.
With my natural 20. No lies, no bullshit.
He got a nat 20, dude. He has been told.

Speaker 1 Okay, Rickus has been told by the ghost of his great-great-grandfather. Yeah.
That this is totally a real right and ritual of the Ravenwood family, but it exists in no religion ever. Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, we haven't seen him in a while. Your tiny, tiny, tiny, great, great, great-grandfather ghost

Speaker 1 appears. With a 20, I think I can speak to him.
For his shoulder. Yeah, with a 20, you can see him.
You can see the ghost of his great-great-great-grandfather. He's so little.

Speaker 1 And he says, that's right.

Speaker 1 Fantasy.

Speaker 1 Explain your mendacity.

Speaker 1 Sorry, this is Rictus Ravenwood I.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm his great-great-great-great-grandpa. There's a number of greats in there.

Speaker 1 I can't keep them straight, but this is with we love doing this kind of stuff down at the crossroads, making a skeleton stepping and shit. Ghostman, Ghostman, is it magic?

Speaker 1 Uh, yes. Ghostman? We are.
You speak plain to me now. Is this magics?

Speaker 1 You're in the middle of the world's most sort of premiere magic using contest. So yes, this is.
Ghostman, I rolled a 20.

Speaker 1 Do you just like slinging poo on people's watches or is it an arcane art you don't understand necromancy can really really well i understand everything about necromancy i rolled a 20 yes but so then you know you know the darkness that infests your heart it's you have to let it loose a little bit and cut up and get silly.

Speaker 1 No, I know that I know that whatever dark magics I do on others is revisited on me three times over. That's what I know.

Speaker 1 There is a heavy knock at the front door. I'll get it.

Speaker 1 Hell Grammit, you open.

Speaker 1 Hell Grammar, you open the front door.

Speaker 1 He's been having a very confusing few minutes. I'm assuming.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 he hasn't understood who you were talking to.

Speaker 1 You open the front door to the house, and

Speaker 1 you see

Speaker 1 standing there at the front doormat.

Speaker 1 Sorry, give me one second. Don't be Burger Man.
Don't be Burger Man.

Speaker 1 You

Speaker 1 open the front door. Standing there

Speaker 1 on the doormat leading inside is an orangutan.

Speaker 1 And the orangutan, he is holding a small brown paper bag. He looks at you, Hell Grammar, kind of curiously.
Then he looks over your shoulder over at you, Rictus.

Speaker 1 And he holds up the brown paper bag, kind of like nods. I hand him.
Yeah, I hand him two throgs hard lemonades as payment yeah he hands you the brown paper bag he it's grab hub

Speaker 1 he says uh

Speaker 1 he smiles we're speaking abyssal claps

Speaker 1 claps his hands uh and then uh cracks one of the the brewskis just drains it right there and then uh sort of scampers back

Speaker 1 scampers back to his house uh which is he's your neighbor actually he's in a gold house as well.

Speaker 1 Scampers over to his house. Is his name Clyde? His name is

Speaker 1 No, that's Pranklin.

Speaker 1 And this brown paper sack, hell Grammat. And Laura Vithans, it smells so bad, and it is a bag of shit.
And he's just delivered it to you, Rictus.

Speaker 1 So the hard part's done, really.

Speaker 1 Well, it depends on how much fiber he had in his diet.

Speaker 1 He only eats bananas, and I don't know how that translates. I can't believe you just said that.
Is it wrong? I can't believe you just said that Pranklin only eats bananas.

Speaker 1 That's all I've ever seen him eat.

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Speaker 1 Fast forward, dusk has settled. It is fully dark of nighttime now.
And the three of you are

Speaker 1 about to do a pretty good prank, I bet. Let's talk me talk me through it, Rictus.

Speaker 1 So here's what I'm thinking, right? Hell Grammar, you've got that camouflage carapace, right?

Speaker 1 We are thinking alike, my brother. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so you go over, you sneak over, you pop that bag on there, right? Yeah, yeah. And then, Lorivinth, what kind of fire stuff do you have?

Speaker 1 Hmm, I have

Speaker 1 a little bit of lightning.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I can I'll use chromatic orb right and send a fire thing. Fire's unpredictable older brother.
Yeah, and I'll set the bag on fire, and then you, like, throw some rocks to knock on the door,

Speaker 1 right? And we hide, and then we'll watch as he, like, goes to stamp it out, but it's boop, right? And it'll get fired.

Speaker 1 Did I cast lightning lash on the bag of turtles? No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 You're hurling rocks and stuff to knock on the door.

Speaker 1 How did it catch a flame?

Speaker 1 I'm going to use chromatic orb

Speaker 1 and shoot like a fire, a little fireball at it. I thought chromatic orb was just color the whole time.
No, my understanding now my my cousin cast chromatic orb. That was his whole thing.

Speaker 1 And my understanding was that it was just colored balls. Are you telling him it was more useful than that? Yeah, it's different elements and stuff.
No, are you serious? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would have been nicer to him. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. I thought he was just a decorative kind of guy.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get the stealth. check.
Now it makes sense when I used to ask him for help decorating for parties. He also

Speaker 1 offended. It makes much more sense.
Elgrave, let's get a stealth check with advantage using your chameleon carapace as you creep up to the door to deliver the bag.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 That's a 13.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's...

Speaker 1 Another whopping seven.

Speaker 1 Yeah, with a 13. I mean,

Speaker 1 this is a closed-door dead of night. You have no reason to expect that the gentleman is,

Speaker 1 you know, awake or looking out of his windows. As you sneak up with your chameleon carapace activated, you are able to deposit the brown bag that Pranklin gave you all and retreat back to the bushes

Speaker 1 where the other two are hiding.

Speaker 1 This is rich.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 we're pranking today. Yeah, okay, be chill, man.
Come on.

Speaker 1 I can't wait. He's going to come out the door and stop with that.
You can't say prank him. Yeah, Buckman.
Act like you've been there before. Come on, man.
Okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Chromatic orb is just a ranged attack spell.

Speaker 1 Okay. I assume you're using fire.

Speaker 1 Nat 20.

Speaker 1 Holy fucking shit. I don't know.
Travis, I'm so tempted in this moment to just you obliterate. No, with a nat 20, it should happen exactly as I want it to, Griffin.

Speaker 1 I mean, with a nat 20, you're going to roll double damage. Double fire damage.
But I don't want to do double fire damage here. Then you shouldn't have rolled a nat 20, my man.

Speaker 1 But I get to decide what happens, don't I? You don't. Nat 20, trust me, this will be great.
Double fire damage.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ alive, 31 points of fire damage, Travis.

Speaker 1 That poop doesn't stand a chance. But it should still totally work.
A 31, you send this chromatic orb flying at the front stoop of the house.

Speaker 1 It touches the bag, and there is a humongous explosion of fire that implodes in on itself. It's a very controlled sort of spell.
I will give you that with this Nat 20. There is a ashy black spot.

Speaker 1 on his stoop where the bag was. And

Speaker 1 as you look at the sort of like destruction you have wrought, you hear.

Speaker 1 And behind you, Pranklin hands you another bag of shit. Thank you, Branklin.
And he kind of like shakes his head at you, like, that was too much fire, man. Okay.
That was way too strong, dude. Okay.

Speaker 1 Round two.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, thank you, Branklin. And I hand him two more Throgs hard lemonades.

Speaker 1 He kind of gives you an eye and then wanders back off to his house. Okay, this time, let's let's try a lighter.
A lighter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I hand

Speaker 1 Hellgramma the new bag and a lighter. Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's all on me. So you put it there, then light the bag, and then run back here.
Right, okay. Okay.
Gotcha. Okay.
All right, give me another stealth check with advantage, please.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a one. It's a net one?

Speaker 1 That's a big old one. Okay, but here we go.
Here's the other one.

Speaker 1 It's another one.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 That is two nat ones in a row.

Speaker 1 Two nat ones on advantage. They said it couldn't be done.
I dropped the bag and step in it. I'm going to need...

Speaker 1 I need like

Speaker 1 our math forward listeners. Yeah.
You know who you are. I need to know what are the odds of math.

Speaker 1 I think it's one in 400, Juice. Genuinely, I think you would do 20 times 20.
I think it's one in 400. For this to be the moment.
For this to be. For such a meaningful role.
Like,

Speaker 1 I have to find a way to punish this in an enormous.

Speaker 1 You need to take like 30 seconds because it's got to have like a narrative. Yeah.
It's got to be powerful, man. Like a long-lasting

Speaker 1 effect. It's dad's biggest fuck-up, and my man is fucked up in some way.
Yeah, no, it's truly catastrophic.

Speaker 1 Sorry, to be clear, dad's biggest D and D related

Speaker 1 fuck up. Right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 This doesn't come close

Speaker 1 to real life ones. I have a suggestion.
How about if his giggling gets out of control and it gives him away?

Speaker 1 We're looking for like if you giggle so hard that your ass falls off.

Speaker 1 Your ass falls off and the Ziggurat island falls to the ground and destroys the world. Like a one in 400 fuck up is like so big, my man.
And it's like a huge opportunity for narrative growth.

Speaker 1 I have spare arms if you want to do that bit again. Yeah, that's awesome.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Nat one, nat one.

Speaker 1 You

Speaker 1 creep up towards the door

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 Hell Grammar, you scuttle up to the front door and you deposit this bag

Speaker 1 right on top of the sort of like blackened ashy spot where the other bag was destroyed. And

Speaker 1 you get the lighter out and begin to flick it,

Speaker 1 trying to light this bag.

Speaker 1 You

Speaker 1 struggle to do so, and

Speaker 1 it seems like it's not lighting. And you're like trying to check out exactly what's going on with this lighter, trying to troubleshoot it, and

Speaker 1 it burns your kitiness thumb, and

Speaker 1 you drop it into the ground, and it sort of like slides off of the porch into the bushes in front of the gentleman's home.

Speaker 1 And Rictus is like standing off in the bushes with his arms raised, like big eyes, like come on!

Speaker 1 Yes, not the same bushes that he just dropped the lighter into.

Speaker 1 Different hiding bushes.

Speaker 1 A few seconds go by, and before you can locate this lighter

Speaker 1 in the bushes where you dropped it, smoke begins to pour upwards from these bushes as very quickly a conflagration appears in front of the gentleman's house. What do you do?

Speaker 1 I guess, Hellgrammet, what do you do first since you're right up on it?

Speaker 1 Hellgrammit is going to use Frost Fingers to try to put the fire out. Okay.

Speaker 1 Frost Fingers is an attack roll, I believe.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, actually, Constitution Saving Throw, taking 2d8 cold damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one.

Speaker 1 Why don't you, we'll say this, you're going to roll damage. And if you can hit a certain damage threshold, obviously the fire can't dodge.
This is a question of like, is this enough kind of like ice?

Speaker 1 So roll 2d8.

Speaker 1 And if you can beat

Speaker 1 an 11 with your damage,

Speaker 1 this will put the fire out.

Speaker 1 You realize I have a chance of rolling

Speaker 1 four ones in a row here. 2d8? Why invoke that?

Speaker 1 Okay. Here we go.

Speaker 1 A one

Speaker 1 and a six. So that's seven.
With a seven is insufficient.

Speaker 1 You blast one of the bushes, freezing it solid, but the fire at this point has spread and has begun to sort of flames are beginning to lick at the

Speaker 1 windows

Speaker 1 of the gentleman's house.

Speaker 1 I'm going to cast chromatic orb again, but this time, sorry, this time it's water. Okay.

Speaker 1 So, arranged attack.

Speaker 1 Fuck. That's a gnat one.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, the orb goes wide and tall. It actually goes up way above where the bushes are

Speaker 1 into

Speaker 1 one of the windows of the house, smashing out the window. And inside of the house, you hear a bloosh, and you hear a, what the?

Speaker 1 What's going on here?

Speaker 1 And you hear footsteps beginning to run towards the front of the home. Thunderdogs, run!

Speaker 1 At this point, the fire has spread.

Speaker 1 It is now like the house is on fire.

Speaker 1 The home is ablaze. You can see like the front paneling of

Speaker 1 the very nice residence has begun to blacken and

Speaker 1 smoke. And are you going to

Speaker 1 run?

Speaker 1 I believe that's what I said, Griffin. Okay.
I mean, that's easy enough for you and Loravith if you want to just get away. You are, you know, not close to the house.

Speaker 1 Hell Grammett, if that is your plan, I'm going to need a roll for.

Speaker 1 Just to be clear, I was kind of at it. Lorveth was kind of at a distance where if he took like five steps away, he could act like he was not involved.
He was involved in a different scene.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 He's so on the periphery. I haven't spoken for 10 minutes.
He is so on the periphery of this. I can't be cleared up.

Speaker 1 I don't think I can get.

Speaker 1 Help Grammy is going to cast Frostfingers again. But this time he's going to do it properly because what he should have done before was roll 3d8s.
Oh, you're going to cast it as a Fingerfinger.

Speaker 1 Okay, so now

Speaker 1 I will say the fire has spread.

Speaker 1 We're going to need a higher roll here.

Speaker 1 With 3d8, I think a 14, 14 or higher. Okay.

Speaker 1 Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
A four, a two, and a six. That's 12.
That is a 12.

Speaker 1 With a 12, you are actively blasting the front of his house with icy magic, sort of ineffectually as the front door of the house opens.

Speaker 1 And there, in his robe and sleeping cap, you see the gentleman from Whisbury

Speaker 1 standing there, looking at you aghast.

Speaker 1 He says, What on earth are you doing?

Speaker 1 I saw your house was on fire. I'm trying to help.
My magic is not very powerful. I'm sorry, but

Speaker 1 my heart is pure.

Speaker 1 Rictus comes running out from a distance, out of breath. Yeah, I tried to chase him, but Dr.
Lucoum got away. Sorry, Whisbury.
Yeah, we saw him.

Speaker 1 He put a bag of poop on your step and was trying to light it on fire, and we came across him, and I tried to get him.

Speaker 1 Time to waste, and let's get this fire out, boys. I'm going to need a deception roll from both of you.

Speaker 1 Insight, he got a 16 on his insight roll. That is the number to beat.

Speaker 1 Well, Griffin, I got an eight eight total.

Speaker 1 He looks at both of you, looks at his house as it begins to go up in flames,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 both of you make a wisdom saving throw, please.

Speaker 1 Okay, 18 plus 4, 22.

Speaker 1 10 plus 2, 12. All right, this is the first time, Arictus, that you have resisted the effect of his time-stopping power.
You see the world slow down you see the flames as they begin to lick

Speaker 1 up to the roof of the house grow to a near standstill

Speaker 1 and you can see

Speaker 1 oh give me a stealth check

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 17 plus two 19 fuck yes he doesn't realize that you are not stopped.

Speaker 1 You can see him look at you and at hell grammat and for

Speaker 1 it's not a flash. He thinks the world is frozen.
A look of deranged malice appears on his face. And this sort of like nice, fancy gentleman demeanor that he has stops.

Speaker 1 He first walks over to Hellgrammet,

Speaker 1 and you can see him put his hands sort of like under Hellgrammit's armpits and lift him in a sort of like unnatural way.

Speaker 1 Here in this like frozen time moment, like physics seems to be behaving a little bit differently as he now begins to pull him backward into

Speaker 1 his house.

Speaker 1 He does so. He pulls him into, deep into the kitchen.

Speaker 1 You can see him walk to the back door and turn the lock with some effort.

Speaker 1 And then he walks back outside of the house up to you.

Speaker 1 And he begins to grab you sort of similarly under the armpits to drag you into his flaming home. As he walks up to me, Griffin, I'm going to sweep the leg so he falls into the fire.
Oh, shit. Okay.

Speaker 1 Give me an attack roll, please.

Speaker 1 13. Would I have advantage? It's a surprise attack, for sure.
This is a surprise attack. I will for sure grant that.
Please give me.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So 13 is what I got. That's the highest one.

Speaker 1 A 13 does not hit.

Speaker 1 However, you do sort of... I mean, you shock him, right?

Speaker 1 You go to sweep the leg out. He is a little bit more used.

Speaker 1 It's like moving through molasses.

Speaker 1 You are still not quite used to like moving in this space, but seeing you moving and resisting this effect, he makes a face that suggests that perhaps this has never happened before.

Speaker 1 As that happens, he breaks concentration. The spell ends.
Hell grammat, you are now in the middle of this flaming building. Because of Rictus,

Speaker 1 you know, the gentleman didn't finish doing whatever it was he was going to do.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 things are not so desperate for you, but if you remain in this house, they they will become desperate very quickly. Uh, the gentleman looks at you, Rictus, and says,

Speaker 1 How on earth did you do that?

Speaker 1 Oh, uh, it's because I'm smarter and better than you, Pissbury.

Speaker 1 Uh, what do you do, Hellgrammit? And Loravet, I guess you're still kind of seeing this unfold. Can I unlock the kitchen door? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think Hellgrammit's going to unlock the kitchen door, try to get out of this. Yeah, it is.
I mean, it's not hard for you to do so, right? You're on the inside of the door.

Speaker 1 You can unlatch the dead bolt and

Speaker 1 make it out.

Speaker 1 And as you do so, like, a beam from the ceiling falls and crashes down into the kitchen where you were standing. If this had gone differently,

Speaker 1 you all definitely would have been trapped inside of a burning building, but you are able to make your way outside

Speaker 1 relatively quickly.

Speaker 1 As you do that,

Speaker 1 an alarm sounds, just a loud ringing clacks on from the center of the island, and you see

Speaker 1 a dozen sort of buckets of water floating in a line, sort of Fantasia style, as a bunch of unseen servants come and begin to douse the flames.

Speaker 1 A lot of the other aspirants have come out to

Speaker 1 see what's going on, obviously. This is a pretty tight type of thing.

Speaker 1 The whole time this is happening, Griffin, Rictus is like holding the gentleman's eye, like staring at each other, because Rictus wants the gentleman to know that he saw him doing what he did.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 I love that. You are locked in with

Speaker 1 the gentleman,

Speaker 1 just sort of staring each other down as the fires subside and smoke begins to pour out of the gentleman's ruined house.

Speaker 1 And as that happens, you see Oshim.

Speaker 1 And he actually materializes in like a little floating like crystal ball, a sphere of glass that just kind of floats over you. You see an image of Oshim saying, what has happened here?

Speaker 1 Please?

Speaker 1 Who is the cause of this blaze?

Speaker 1 The gentleman looks at you and then looks over at the ball and says, I was smoking a pipe and I was being careless. My apologies.
I've seen you repair greater damage to this island.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, you can get my domicile back to a respectable state without much effort.

Speaker 1 He is continuing to lock in on you. Greatness.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you'll have to be more careful in the future, huh?

Speaker 1 Osham says, Yes, we will repair your place, please.

Speaker 1 gentlemen you can rest in uh

Speaker 1 one of the houses of one of the fallen aspirants for the evening as we repair your home um everyone back to bed you oh have a what

Speaker 1 thank goodness that noise the noise of this whole calamity had awoken me and i i briefly hoved over to see what what the danger was but it looked too perilous so i kept a good distance give me a deception check please loravin

Speaker 1 it's

Speaker 1 i think it's only half deception but I will I will grant you that did Loravin fall asleep no I have it pretty vocal it's been sort of like play laying back a little bit unsure of this whole I'm really letting you guys have your mood

Speaker 1 if you'll remember I was trying to walk to bed and have him for 30 minutes right so

Speaker 1 okay so I roll a 13.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, with a 13, no one here has any reason to think you're lying. I think the gentleman looks looks up at you for like a second, then quickly comes back to you, Rictus.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he says,

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 pride myself on my ability to get along with

Speaker 1 just about everyone, Rictus, but

Speaker 1 it would appear that

Speaker 1 you and I are oil and water, and

Speaker 1 we are going to have to solve this sooner rather than than later, I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he

Speaker 1 walks off. He gives you a dirty look, Hellgrammet, as you kind of like...
Hellgrammit, actually, what are you doing? You made it safely out of the back of the house.

Speaker 1 Are you... Do you...

Speaker 1 Is the fire out? The fire is out. The unseen servants have put it out.

Speaker 1 The house is ruined, and you can tell, like, looking in through the back windows, like, some of his stuff got pretty burned up in there. See.
And you're not sure if that's going to be repaired

Speaker 1 as easily.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 Helgrammett turns to

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 mysterious gentleman the gentleman from Whisbury. The gentleman from Whisbury and says

Speaker 1 so no harm done.

Speaker 1 Could we have our lighter back?

Speaker 1 You can see actually one of the unseen servants

Speaker 1 finds the lighter in the bushes and

Speaker 1 kind of like, I mean, he's unseen, so you can't tell exactly. Hell no, that doesn't make any fucking sense.
He says, No,

Speaker 1 no, you may not. Okay, yeah, I'll come back later.
That's fine. That's cool.
Rick just goes over to join Loriveth and calls Hal Grayman over and says, like,

Speaker 1 okay, so now that our first Thunder Dogs mission is complete, I have a few notes. And what a success it was.
Well, I'm going to say C-.

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 well blame the dice um pranklin walks back up to you on his fists and looks up at you rictus and there's like a tear in his eye and you you

Speaker 1 i i think at first you think he's sad because you up so bad but it's a tear of pride and then you think like maybe pranklin's into some pretty fucked up stuff yeah man

Speaker 1 maybe franklin's idea of a prank is arson and he actually smiles and nods up and down.

Speaker 1 No, no, Franklin, that wasn't. That wasn't.
No, it wasn't the intention.

Speaker 1 You translate what he just said in Abyssal loosely to, you get it now, huh? And he...

Speaker 1 Franklin, no. He holds up another bag, another brown bag, and nods.
He points at another house. Oh, Franklin.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 He points at his own house and shrugs. No

Speaker 1 wait, like insurance fraud

Speaker 1 now, you said it, you ruined.

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