The Pope, The Wrestler and The Terrorist

Hello, buglers, and welcome to Bugle issue 4337, sub-episode A, for an unexpected week off the bugle due to unforeseen circumstances.

We will be back next week with a full episode featuring Anuvad Pal and Hari Kondabolu.

The following week, we have Alice Fraser and the long-awaited return of David O'Doherty, then Tom Ballard and Nish Kumar teaming up the following week for what will no doubt be as grown-up a bugle, as usually happens when those two are on together.

To fill your time on this sub-episode, we'll start by going back in time to March 2013, when the Pope, who has just, I think, been promoted in his line of work, took over as Pope in episode 228 of The Bugle.

Here I am with John Oliver.

Top story this week.

Ole,

ole, ole.

There's a pope, pope, poop, pumpanero, dumpanerdu, but there's a pop pop pop dupanerdup dumpanero, dumpano.

Well, Andy,

the papal conclave.

That was very much the unspoken subtext of all the news reports.

Yes,

yes, that's right.

They just didn't have the balls to actually say it or sing it saying.

Andy, the papal conclave clearly didn't take too long to put his fingers down his throat and throw up a pope.

Because on Wednesday, after just two days of discussion, white smoke billowed out of the Sistine Chapel and the Catholic Church took a bold new step into the future by electing an old white man with reactionary views on homosexuality and birth control.

But wait, this one speaks Spanish, so it's different.

So,

who de Pope Andy?

Well, Orle Mareo Bogoglio, he de Pope, or, as he is now called, Pope Francis, or Rome's most eligible bachelor.

If you like the thrill of the chase, ladies, look no further than Pope Francis.

There is a man who is playing really hard to get.

Yeah, it's an interesting choice of name.

After almost 2,000 years of waiting, we finally have the first ever Pope Frank, which is great news for everyone.

As you say, they did.

Yeah.

They

con concleft the shit out of that decision.

They really

concleft it beautifully.

Or concleaved it.

I don't know.

What's the past tense of that?

Oh, like conclaved.

Conclaved.

They both sound nice.

They're both nice to say, but I'd go conclaved.

He's the first ever Pope from South America, Argentinian, from Buenos Aires, Bishop of Buenos Aires.

And in his opening Pope speech,

my Latin's a little bit rusty, but the first thing he said was, we in the Vatican City now lay claim to the Falkland Islands.

and then he's also a big hip-hop fan he wowed the crowd by saying I love it when you call me Big Popper

and he also said this these rather touching words he said this is a wonderful journey from infinity back to infinity and sorry no that wasn't actually the pope said that that was a deranged man talking to himself on the tube on the way in today who said that but it could have been the pope and i think you know who does that tell you more about the pope or the man on the tube well it it tells us an equal amount about both of them, Andy.

And the fact that I wrote it down, it probably tells you something about me.

That's right.

I think that's much more, the bigger lesson is there.

So, let's take a closer look at the man who has seized this opportunity with both flippers.

And the man

who will presumably have asked the question on his very first morning as Pope that all of us want an answer to, which is, how, with all the money that the Vatican has, do they not have robot butlers?

It just makes no sense, Andy.

So, there's a lot of firsts that this Pope is.

Pope Francis is the first ever Pope Francis.

He's also the first Jesuit to be Pope.

Also the first Pope from outside Europe in a thousand years, over a thousand years.

Also the first Pope from the Americas.

Also, apparently the first Pope to have wind beneath my wings as his karaoke, and I quote, go-to tune.

Also, John, he's the first pope with only one lung.

Yes.

That's true.

Which is wonderful, because, you know, clearly they're reaching out to the Catholic community in South America, reaching out beyond the Vatican's Vatican's traditional papal breeding grounds of Europe to more of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics and also reaching out to animals who only have one lung, which predominantly are snakes,

as we know from my stag weekend in Scotland.

But it's good to see that beach being built by the Catholic Church finding, because it's been tricky between us and the snakes ever since the whole Even the Apple business.

So that's great to choose a Pope who can relate, who snakes can relate to on a just in terms of

body issue.

Yeah,

he apparently had a lung removed when he was a teenager due to an infection, which means he's a one-lung pope.

And that really sticks into the other cardinals, Andy, who couldn't become pope, even though they had twice as many lungs as he did.

I mean, it's pathetic when you think about it.

Also, the first pope for over 300 years to have a tattoo.

From some angles, it looks like Jesus blessing a donkey, but from others, it looks like Jane Mansfield in a bikini cleaning a car windscreen.

But that's the 1950s for you, isn't it?

Well, let's look at his Pope stats, Andy.

He can fire off 32 prayers a minute with no warm-up.

He's batting 326 at getting prayers into heaven with those prayers in scoring position.

He takes a papal rope size medium and a papal headgear size maximum.

He can run 100 meters in full papal regalia in less than 45 seconds.

And his record in fist fights with other popes is currently zero wins, zero losses.

But that may be amended after he meets with Pope Benedict.

We'll have to re-up those stats.

He was very much an outsider at becoming Pope.

Most betting sites had him at around 33 to 1.

So congratulations if for some inexplicable reason you were betting on that.

That would be a...

Why wouldn't you bet on it?

It would be an amazingly strange response, Andy.

Someone in St.

Peter's Square, as the news came out, and the new Pope is Jorge Mario Bogoglio.

Yes!

Yes!

Well, I'm so glad you feel so passionately that he's the right choice for the church.

Oh, never mind that.

I just won 300 grand.

Hallelu fingelujah!

Well, just I don't know if you saw that, there was a lot of litter in St.

Peter's Square after the crowd had dispersed.

Maybe it was just a lot of betting slips torn up.

Oh, shit.

I thought the Brazilian was a shoe-in.

Perhaps that's why the Cardinals were not allowed cell phones in there, Andy.

You didn't want them to be tempted to go in big just before the white smoke went up.

It is a little strange that he was seen as such a long shot, as he was apparently the second choice of the conclave that elected Pope Benedict eight years ago.

So never the bridesmaid, never the bride Andy, but now he's the Pope.

He's Gary Goblet service.

He's God's official answer phone.

I'm afraid God's not available right now, but if you leave a message with me, he'll get right back to you.

Argentinian Pope, that's very nice.

I mean, I like you, John.

I was hoping for a Brazilian Pope, for a flair Pope.

A flair Pope.

Pope Alvinho.

But we didn't get that.

But if Argentinian Catholicism is anything like Argentinian football, he's probably not afraid of a challenge.

And that is a good quality in a Pope, because there are a lot of challenges facing the Catholic Church.

Spiritual renewal, he talked about, and that's only true.

Because somewhere along the line,

in parts of the Catholic Church, Jesus's teachings of peace, tolerance, love, and avoiding institutionalised child abuse scandals and even more institutionalized cover-ups of those scandals have occasionally not been applied with quite as much religious fervor as they might have been.

He warns that the Catholic Church would become, quotes, a compassionate NGO without spiritual renewal.

Now, which is a slightly odd thing to say, really.

Yeah.

And also as if compassion is something that they cannot possibly afford to be associated with.

Yeah, because would being a compassionate NGO really be that bad?

When you're warning people against something, aren't you supposed to use an example that doesn't sound inherently appealing?

Unless we confess to Christ, we'll become the food equivalent of a creamy chocolate eclair and no one wants that right hold on whose stomach just rumbled i don't think you're getting the point that i'm trying to get across here when i actually read it i thought that's what he said that his aspiration was it's like now my new reign is in we're going to become a great compassionate ngo i thought brilliant Yeah, that's the opposite of what he wants.

No, that was the absolute end point of the worst hypothetical decisions that could be made.

It was the opposite of what he was saying.

And And he explained it by saying, What would happen would be like when children make sand castles and then it all falls down.

Well, for a start, I think the Catholic Church has had enough trips to the beach with children.

But also,

what

I mean, what happens when children make sand castles and they fall down is usually you go back to the hotel and get some supper before saying, Okay, kids, you've had three days on the beach.

Tomorrow it's mummy and daddy's turn to choose.

We're going to a water park.

Much has been made of Pope Francis' lifetime of work with the poor in Argentina and his commitment to a humble lifestyle.

He lived among the poor back home, choosing not to take the opulent residence that he was absolutely entitled to as Bishop of Buenos Aires.

He rode a bus to work, wore an ordinary robe and lived with an older priest in a simple apartment where he cooked his own meals.

He's a famously humble man and he's not fond of flashy things, which really makes you think, well, good luck living in the f ⁇ ing Vatican then.

Because that place is the epitome of opulence.

That place makes most rappers' mansions look like humble Argentinian priest dwellings.

It's literally designed to make you think, oh, wow, if they're this successful, maybe there's something in this whole Catholic thing.

Does suggest that you might be thinking about a lick of paint in the Sistine Chapel, just a kind of plain magnolia colour.

Yeah, just

too flashy, isn't it?

It's too flashy.

Let's just get a kind of a corn yellow in there, just over the...

Just an eggshell white.

You know what?

Corn yellow is too flashy.

Let's go eggshell white.

Maybe a yucca plant in the corner or some dry flash.

His first tweet, this pope, was habimus papum franciscum.

Which, look, let's be honest, that sounds like a spell, Andy.

Was he trying to turn a cardinal into a frog?

Or was he trying to erase everybody's memory of the last 20 years?

Translated from the Latin, it means we have a new Pope Francis.

And I like that, Andy, especially if he keeps referring to himself for his whole papacy in the third person.

Pope Francis feeling great today.

Pope Francis just prayed up the storm.

Pope Francis got hungry, so Pope Francis just demolished a Carbonara.

And his final tweet, the devil, he try acting up, but Pope Francis don't play that shit.

Hashtag for realsies.

Also being an Argentinian pope, probably not afraid of a big chunk of beef, which is good news for him, John, because a couple of hundred years away from his new home in St.

Peter's Square is a sensationally good steakhouse with a fridge full of dead cow by the entrance.

So I assume he's going to be heading straight down there, absolutely straight there.

Pope Francis has named himself after St.

Francis of Assisi.

He was the patron saint of animals, often portrayed with a bird on his hands, possibly explaining why he's also the patron saint of hand washing and the patron saint of latex gloves.

The very famous story about St.

Francis, John, travelling with his buddies, and he came across some trees that were jam-packed full of birds.

So he told his pals to stop whilst he preached to his sisters, the birds, and the birds came flocking down to him.

Hey, look, folks, he said, they flock to me, the little flappy flaphounds.

I think they really just really love my voice because I'm amazing.

Sure, St.

Francis said, his friends.

You might like to factor in the fact that you're wearing a jacket made of seeds.

Yeah, so I like to dress snappy, said St.

Francis.

What's wrong with that?

Well, you're going to have to buy a new jacket.

That's all.

All right, Aristotle, put a f ⁇ ing sock in it, just because you can't hold a tune.

Guys, it's a great book, isn't it?

Andy?

It's been a while since either of us have read it, but it's a great book.

Although dour in appearance, this Pope apparently has a sense of humour.

Well, apparently so.

At his first dinner as Pope on Wednesday night, he reportedly toasted his fellow cardinals with a prayerful quip, May God forgive you for what you have done.

And that's a bold joke, Andy, because that may have been a tense moment for a cardinal to in there.

Oh shit, how do you find out about that?

I thought I got away with it.

I was so careful.

Oh, wait, what are are you talking about?

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, yeah, you were joking about I was picking you as Pope.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

I was definitely joking too.

I was just acting like someone who has a terrible secret that he's been keeping for decades as a goof.

I love jokes.

Oh,

can someone pass me an extra napkin, please?

It's feeling very hot in here.

Interestingly, the Vatican have finally revealed what goes into the

create the smoke that is revealed that reveals whether or not a Pope has been chosen.

They have the black smoke for when he's not been chosen and the white smoke for when they have made the decision.

Both, according to the New York Times report, made with fairly standard pyrotechnic formulas.

Black smoke, made using potassium perchlorate, anthracene, that's a component of coal tar and also the name of one of Tom Cruise's children, sulfur,

the name of another one of Tom Cruise's children.

Whereas the white smoke is made using potassium chlorate, milk sugar, which apparently is an easily ignitable fuel, and pine rosin, plus, to give it its distinctive white colour, one kilogram of cocaine, three polar bear cubs and a small cricketer.

But interestingly, do you know this?

Legally, smoking bans cannot be legally enforced on Catholics if they claim they're thinking about electing a new pope whilst whilst puffing on the cigar.

Yeah, that is that is a good idea.

Just

oh, I wonder who it's gonna be.

Of course, there's been a

great international reaction to it.

A lot of people expressing delight that there's a pope from a new part of the world.

And as you'd expect, a lot of the great and the good of the world have been wading in with their opinions, including the official spokesman for humanity, that is the former wrestler, the Iron Shake,

who has appeared on recent bugles and has fast elevated himself into the absolute A-list

of

bugle celebrities.

He

tweeted this

because it's his birthday today as we record John.

He's 70 years old today.

And he tweeted this.

If the Pope don't call me, wish me the happy birthday, I never respect him.

And I beat the fing shit out of him, making him humble.

What I found myself increasingly doing, Andy, is looking back over major moments in Lee's history and then looking back over the tweets from that time from the Iron Sheet, because it's interesting to see him reacting in real time to unfolding events.

For instance, before the papal announcement on Wednesday, you could tell that it was shaping up to be an important day, as his first tweet that day was, f the Wednesday.

That's his idiosyncratic take on Good Morning.

Maybe he's just a Sheffield United fan.

We don't know.

Then after...

After the white smoke was released, but before the name of the new pope was announced, he tweeted, respect to me.

They have the white medicine smoke and I'd be happy.

I'd be the new Pope.

Everyone go f ⁇ yourself if you don't vote for the legend because it's incidentally Andy if the Iron Sheik was Pope he would be the first Iranian and only the 84th crazy person elected to smoke at this point he's done enough Andy there's no need for him to tweet again for the rest of the day we couldn't reasonably expect any more from him but a while later he tweeted and I quote

f the breadcrumb dick Satan

well twenty pretty much John that is again that's the subtext of Pope Francis' inaugural speech.

They're very much on the same page, just using different language.

It would have been a phenomenal way for Pope Francis to have ended his first blessing, Andy, just wrapping up, saying, I will now give my blessing to you and to the whole world, to all men and women of goodwill.

Brothers and sisters, I am leaving you.

Thank you for your welcome.

Pray for me, and I will be with you again soon.

We will see one another soon.

Tomorrow I want to go to pray the Madonna that she may protect Rome.

Good night and sleep well.

Oh, and fing the breadcrumb dick, Satan.

Is this on?

Is this thing on?

The thing is because he was doing it in Latin.

He could easily have got away with it, John.

I don't think anyone would have picked it up.

If I don't think anyone knows what he actually said, because, you know, no one's actually spoken Latin for 2,000 years or so.

You know, and people are just assuming.

They just could take an educated guess on what it is he's banging on about.

As you say, there were warm wishes, warm welcomes for the new pope from all over the world.

But my favourite statement came from Mahmoud Azab, who's the official spokesman for Al-Azhar, Sunni Islam's highest seat of learning, whose statement simply read, we are hoping for better relations with the Vatican after the election of the new Pope.

And the beauty of that statement, Andy, is that you could pretty much cut and paste it from any time in the last thousand years.

I wonder if they literally dust that sentence off every time a new pope is announced and then release it with a long sigh.

We're hoping for better relations with the Vatican after the election of a new pope.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

boy, oh boy.

One of the most interesting pieces of reaction came from Pope Francis' very own sister, who told a newspaper that

he had confided in her that he never wanted to become pope.

That's two in a row.

That's two in a row, Andy.

Maria Elena Bergoglio, who's 12 years younger younger than the 76-year-old pontiff, said that he never wanted to be Pope and now faced, quotes, a lifetime of infinite loneliness.

Now, was that in the job advert for a start?

Wanted very old, preferably unmarried man to be PR executive for prominent global franchise.

Salary, £20,000 plus generous pension of eternal bliss.

Must be able to say, oops, sorry, in at least 10 different languages.

Strict dress code, no dress down days, but he can work from home.

Must be prepared for a lifetime of infinite loneliness.

Also, that's just not what you want your sister to say when you've just started a new job.

That's not helping, is it?

I mean, looking at it, someone is not getting a Christmas present this year.

She's blown it, John.

And she could have been in line for a real doozy this year, now that her brother is the earthly representative of Santa Claus.

Besides, I did always think a lifetime of infinite loneliness was an old Catholic advertising slogan and also a review for one of my Edinburgh shows.

Apparently, Pope Francis plans to visit his predecessor Benedict, although it won't be in the next couple of days.

Correspondents have been describing this as an important visit when it happens, pointing out that the existence of a living retired pope has prompted fears of a possible rival power.

So the visit clearly means only one thing, Andy.

A papal fight to the death.

Two popes enter, one pope leaves.

Because nothing could calm people down more, Andy, I'm sure, than seeing Pope Francis emerge from that meeting in a blood-stained robe, saying, It is done.

There can only be Uno Pope.

Long-term buglers might remember John Cena featuring as we reported on the end of the career of Osama bin Laden back in issue 152 of the Bugle in May 2011.

Here I am again, once again, with John, Oliver, not Cena.

Well, I think it's pretty clear that one story has been understandably dominating the news this week, which is why we're devoting this entire episode of the Bugle so far to our top story this week: Ding-Dong, the c is dead.

Bada-boom, boom, boom.

Another bites the dust.

Shot in the eye, and you're to blame.

You give

a bad name.

This is not so much a tribute episode to Bin Laden as a special eulogy to the big man.

Andy

Andy, I'm glad you enjoyed that.

Yeah, I did thoroughly enjoy it.

I expect to see that in a dictionary near me within two years.

Andy, you ended the last bugle by saying that after the royal wedding, the world had nothing to look forward to anymore.

And while yes, Saturday in itself was quite boring, apart from Chelsea tightening the gap on the Premiership title race, you have to admit that Sunday really delivered.

What with that whole killing of the most wanted terrorist on the planet thing?

That's right.

Osama bin Laden, the former leader of al-Qaeda and former living inhabitant of the planet Earth, was forced to surrender both of those titles around the time that a bullet developed a very strong attraction to his face.

And he was a tall, handsome man, bin Laden Andy, but I have to admit that I always thought that he'd have looked even better if he'd considered getting his left eyebrow pierced with a bullet.

And I think I was right about that.

I think his face was successfully accessorised with a piece of high-speed, pointy metal jewellery.

It's funny old world, though, isn't it, John?

Because last week, most wanted man in the world.

This week, a seriously malfunctioning submarine

and fish food.

So, yeah, it just goes to show, upon a slender thread.

So, you know, he's gone from

the leader of the world's most tedious minority interest pressure group, a man five times voted least cuddleable dude by Touchy Feely Monthly magazine, a man commonly known as the rowdy Saudi, Terry the Terrorist, the Mighty Douche, the Tora Bora Law Ignorer, and the Angry Turnip.

He had his clogs forcibly popped by American Special Forces.

And I do wish that Barack Obama had used those words.

Yeah, we have

popped his clogs.

It certainly feels like a much more pleasant globe to live on this week without bin Laden living on it too.

It's like when a terrible neighbor moves away and property prices in adjacent properties automatically go up.

By dying, Bin Laden has effectively gentrified this entire planet.

To prove this, upon news of his death, the stock market went up and oil prices went down as if collectively everyone agreed that things had just got slightly better.

As if the world breathed a sigh of relief and together muttered, oh good, that is good.

Now, I don't know where you were when you found out, Andy, I'm guessing you were asleep, but I just finished watching 60 Minutes and was checking in with the Mets Phillies game when it became clear that something very important was about to happen and the president was going to address the nation and after watching him announce that America had successfully located and killed bin Laden I started watching the news and then well I flicked through the channels a couple of hours later to see that the Mets were still playing the Phillies it was the 14th inning and they had resumed the game and most of the crowd was still there.

And not only were they still there, they were watching the game with complete complete concentration.

And I've got to say, as a sports fan, I find that so impressive.

Remember, this is a meaningless game at the start of May between one team which will challenge for the World Series and one that will not make the playoffs.

To care about that at all is a challenge.

To care about that when it's just been announced that bin Laden has been killed is fing incredible.

The CIA's most wanted man has literally just been assassinated and you are rooting for Raul Ivanez to get a base hit.

I think my favourite reaction from all this actually came from the Mets manager after the game because people in sports just cannot help themselves but speaking clichés and that's never more exposed than in moments of deep genuine significance.

And in the post-game press conference Terry Collins said this.

He said

well this is a good win for us and obviously a huge win for America tonight.

He should have carried on that thought.

You know, I think America really answered the critics tonight.

Many have said that, you know, to go on a nine-year streak of not killing bin Laden was a slump we were never going to get out of.

But I, for one, had nothing but faith in us as a team, and I knew if we just kept swinging, kept focused, we'd get that hit.

As for the future, who knows where that holds?

I'm just concentrating on a home series against the Giants next week.

Thank you, no questions.

I think as well, Al-Qaeda had a press conference at which they said, well, there's a lot of positives we could take away from this.

Obviously, we're disappointed to lose Aussie, but we like to see it more as an opportunity for someone else to step up to the the plate and deliver.

Of course, the best place to have heard the news would undoubtedly have been Tampa, Florida, in the middle of the crowd of a live WWE wrestling event.

How do I know this?

That's a fair question.

Because I saw a clip on YouTube of a shirtless John Cena addressing the Tampa crowd to deliver the news at the end of a bout, saying, I'm extremely proud after 10 months of being your WWE champion.

I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty, and respect on my sleeve.

It's worth pointing out that at that point he was sleeveless.

He went on to say.

The president has just announced, he went on to say, that we have caught and compromised to a permanent end Osama bin Laden.

Andy, that is magnificent rhetoric from the four-time tag team champion, inventor of the twisting belly-to-belly suplex, and self-styled doctor of thugonomics.

In fact, all of those things are true.

In fact, if I'm honest, I prefer what John Cena said to the president's speech.

Courts and compromise to a permanent end, that is linguistically sensational.

In fact, that phrase is not all that the president should have borrowed.

I think he should also have walked into the East Room of the White House and said, I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty, respect on my sleeve.

And I think he should also have done that shirtless in a pair of cut-off jeans, holding a wide microphone before leaving to rock music and fireworks.

I don't think anyone would have begrudged him that.

So Barma, of course, had been watching nervously in the White House on Skype, I think, supporting his troops by firing an imaginary pistol at his computer screen and shouting, Kapow, Kapow, as the troops went in.

And then announced the action to the watching world, creditably, without using words like we got him, mission accomplished, or bag him or tag him, which is not necessarily something his predecessor could have been entrusted with.

He didn't even hold two fingers to his mouth and pretend to blow gunsmoke away from them before re-holstering his fingers and winking at the camera, which

some might have seen as an opportunity miss.

And of course, you know, there's been some

newspaper reaction.

Obviously, quite excited.

Some of the headlines here: this

Al-Qaeda.

Here's one with

that fake picture of Bin Laden's

headlines, O Sama.

Also, this article looking at the damage to Al-Qaeda caused by the attack under the headline, Ain't No Cure for the Osama dying blues.

And

this one here, Man 54 Dies.

Didn't really give the full story.

But it deals with facts, Andy.

And not only.

No, is that what you want from print journalism?

And another tableau one, Death in His Vest, a A little play on Death of the West, claiming been rather than been pinged out whilst wearing a sleeveless t-shirt, revealing an unexpected tattoo of May West leaning over a bucket of soapy water, which I guess the subtext would be America is the Great Satan.

Well, I'm guessing.

I'm guessing.

So, but

it was a kind of personal success for Obama, that seems to be how it's been received.

The operation code name variously Operation Shave That Beard, Operation F that Shit, Operation Reese Witherspoon.

Not sure how I got that name.

I think I'll have to ask General Protraeus about that one.

So, more details are trickling out as the story shifts from one day to the next.

It does seem now that

they found Bin Laden with a sock on each hand,

putting on a sock puppet production of Daisy Earth Dirty Dancing for his young relatives in order to inculcate in them a lifelong hatred of Western consumerism.

And when the Seals came in, he untangled Baby and Johnny and said in his characteristic monotone draw,

Did someone order a takeaway and not tell me about it?

They also found in his children's playroom blackboards with the words, George W.

Bush is a premium grade wiener written over and over again.

And another report suggesting that Bin Laden's last words were, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

To which I'm guessing the Navy SEAL said, it's kind of both.

Obviously, as you mentioned, newspapers around the world reacted the next day by plastering bin laden as the lead story all over their front page so credit has to go as as uh andy and my friend danny boy said to us to the daily express online who stuck with their gut andy and they ran the bin laden story second

behind the headline about prince william and kate middleton foregoing a prenup

wow you listen you've just got to give it to them andy it's as simple as that you have to really really care about the royal wedding to lead with that two days after the wedding happened over the fact that bin Laden was literally just shot in the head.

That is a royal wedding super fan right there.

Maybe it's the two are linked, John.

I mean,

it seems clear that

the two are linked because on

Saturday night, Prince William and Princess Kate were whinging about not receiving a wedding present from the White House.

And then they received a card on Monday morning saying, happy wedding.

Harrods had sold out of dinner plates, so we killed Bin Laden instead for you.

I wonder if that's where Bin Laden's body actually is.

It's like when you have a cat and it kills a bird and leaves it outside your bedroom door as a kind of thank you.

I wonder if they woke up in the next morning to see the corpse of Bin Laden lying in front of them.

Oh, that's lovely.

That's that nice.

Takes me back to the morning after my wedding.

Let's not delve into that.

And to finish off this week's sub-episode, here is a chunk from Alice Fraser's new show, Realms Unknown, dealing with everything you could possibly want to hear from the worlds of sci-fi and fantasy.

News section, news in the real world that crosses over into news of the sci-fi and fantasy world.

I'm not sure if this counts as sci-fi or fantasy news, but I feel like it does.

4chan was taken down.

Unfortunately, this is one of those milkshake duck stories because it was taken down by hackers from an even more racist message board

called soy jack party uh for no you know sort of useful or good reason just to sort of prove their racist supremacy over the other nasty people there's always a bigger fish isn't there alice there's always a bigger fish and then it eats the smaller fish uh in other more exciting and pleasant news joe abbercrombie who is uh one of the leading lights of like very funny grimdark he apparently wrote for the new season of love death and robots so i anticipate a heartwarming story about an AI coming into its own, followed by something really horrendous.

Someone having all their teeth pulled out.

I mean, this is the most exciting news, actually, that I think has happened in a very long time.

It may be the most insighting news of science anywhere.

There are suggestions that the planet K218B

may be harboring something that smells a lot like life.

James Colley, you're our

science of science fiction correspondent.

Can you unpack this story for us?

Yeah, what a sad state of the podcast that I, a credit-level physicist, as

the science correspondent.

But okay, this is really fun.

Blink 180k2

is a planet that is about 140 light years away, which is great and terrible news.

In that, if we wanted to go get a look at this, oh, it's going to take a while.

And

to get any signal kind of back is going to be a problem.

It does mean, though, what, let's think about this, 140 years.

What, what, you know, it's, we've only got about, you know.

50, 60 years before this planet gets the signals of the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show, maybe Elvis dance moves.

Like, we can get some propaganda out there early to them.

But anyway, before we get to that, there is just signs in the atmosphere that up until this point have only ever been associated with biological life.

It's a sign that, you know, a particular chemical in the atmosphere that is usually burped or founded out, like is a, is a signal that there's biological life on the planet.

And this is the part where you get into the every scientific announcement is actually disappointing the further you go into it.

We're not saying there's a space cow.

It's way, way, way too soon to say there's a space cow.

If there was a space cow, it's probably not a cow in the way that you would imagine it.

It's going to be algae.

It's always algae.

But maybe it's really cool algae that smells nice or something.

Who knows?

We're never going to get to see it in our lifetime.

Don't worry about it.

But it's fantastic news.

And there's a dire wolf news or non-dire wolf news, which is the news that dire wolves were allegedly de-extincted by a company and people are really pissed that they're not actually the extinct animal.

James, did you follow this story?

Yeah, so like what they're mad at is that it's not 100% real wolf or for that point, 1% real dire wolf.

They are made genetically modified to be like the wolf.

It's it's not Jurassic Path people.

We don't have the bugs in the amber mosquito that bit the thing, and we got to keep that, which is a really great trope, by the way.

Really good work on that.

The part of this that I feel really annoyed the internet was when George R.R.

Martin got to hold it.

And collectively, as whenever he appears in the press now, everyone was like, Don't you have a typewriter to sit behind my phone?

Like, can you get back to work, please?

I mean, he has he has said that finishing this last book is like the worst thing that's ever happened to him

it's you you've got to think that like his first draft looked exactly like the the game of thrones ending and is and everyone hated it and he was like oh well that wasn't mine at all I had a much better one let me I just left it in my car may I go and grab it well the point is that the dire wolves in in the Game of Thrones were based on dire wolves which were a real kind of very big wolf that existed and so what they've done is they've crossbred some genetic material from the fossils that they have of these very big wolves with very big dogs and real wolves to make a very big dog

essentially but you know it's not a dire wolf it can a chihuahua and make a baby it's it's not it's just a dog i mean who of us can't but i like i just think we

we have much more interesting megafauna to aim at back here like giant wombats please giant wombat If you are listening here and you do not know what wombats used to look like or just how big koalas were, like, I know like 90% of wildlife facts you hear from Australians are lies made to upset you, but these are real ones.

Look up what all the Australian megafauna were like and you're like, oh my God, this is a terrible place to live.

Why did anyone choose to go here?

I mean, Australia is quite well known for having small towns with very big objects, like a big banana or a big pineapple.

Little do they know that those are tributes to the megafauna.

Should they ever return, they should try and lure it for the big banana.

You will feed on this pineapple for the rest of your days.

Well, thank you for listening to this somewhat unscheduled sub-episode.

As I said, we will be back next week with issue 4338 of The Bugle with Hari and Anuvab.

Until then, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.