Marion Cotillard's Bugle

The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4247 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World with me, Andy Zoltzmann, fresh from the now completed Bugle 15th Anniversary Live Bugle live tour.

And thanks to everyone who came and for the other 7.7 billion of you who were unable to make it, I expect your apologies and excuses.

Handwritten to show you mean it by the end of the week.

It's Thursday the 10th of November 2022 as we record.

I am back in the shed of unquenchable factuitiveness in South London where hope comes to sorry where I come to record.

And joining me from this week, from just up the road, it's the man who narrowly lost out in 2020 to French film star Marion Cottillard to be the new face of Chalel number five, Nish Kumar.

Numero sank super play, Andrew

Cottillard.

I don't know what she's got that I don't have.

No, I mean, I don't think that's really a question that can be answered.

Apart from based on a couple of interviews I read about 15 years ago, some slightly contentious views on whether 9-11 happened.

Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly,

allegedly, allegedly.

Yeah, well, I mean, apart from that, it's very hard to, you know, this must have been a very tough call for Chanel, that's all I'm saying.

Listen, Chanel, you're not the only organisation that can regularly produce odors of varying sense.

And Nish, thank you very much for

still doing the show.

And what I know must have been a very disappointing day for you.

They've just announced the England Football World Cup squad.

And despite your impressive performance on Tuesday afternoon in comedians football, in which you scored an uncharacteristic number of goals for you.

Uncharacteristic, do you mean more than zero?

Yeah, yeah.

You failed to make the cut, must be gutted.

I was devastated, Andy.

I thought I'd put in a good shift on Tuesday.

I know that Gareth was watching on Zoom, I believe, but no,

it's a big.

It's a double sporting disappointment for me today, Andy, because not only have I missed out on the England squad, but the Indian cricket team missed out on playing any good cricket cricket this morning in the T20 World Cup semi-final.

And I received a text message from my father as soon as the game ended that simply said, England, Zindabad.

Which

is really

evidence of the shifting loyalties of the British Indian community when it comes to the game of cricket.

We support whoever's winning.

Joining us from New York City in the democracy-torn nation of the USA.

It's the man who in 2016 came so close to being cast as Dr.

Sophia Rifkin in the Assassin's Creed film and computer games, before losing out to the French film star Marion Cottillar, making this

the bugle episode with the biggest collective beef towards the multi-award-winning actress.

Especially if you factor in my ongoing resentment at being pipped by Cottiar for Grazia Magazine's prestigious Best Dressed Star of 2013 award.

But anyway,

speaking through the tears, it's Hari Kondabolu.

Welcome, Harry.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, hey, Nish.

And Nish, I had a feeling you and I were going up for the same parts.

I just didn't think it was that one.

Yeah, I didn't think, yeah.

Listen, I didn't realise that you and I had both been pimped to the post to play Edith Piaf.

Cotty, I'd got there again.

Cotty, I'd got there again.

So, Hari, we'll touch on this later, but America once again in the aftermath of

democratically eviscerating itself.

How is New York this morning the day after the midterms?

Well,

you know, we still have good coffee.

Right.

We're still,

you know, we're still not underwater.

That's good.

Everything is going the way it goes every day.

But the long-term ramifications of what may happen in the next several weeks

is heavy on all of us.

I don't know if this means anything, but

my son, I think from the tension of the election, shit himself today

multiple times.

He's two.

He is two.

But

still,

is that related?

And he's been doing it for two years, but to be fair, it's been a tense two years.

He just keeps losing bowel control.

And I don't know, Andy.

It's sad to see him embarrass himself like that.

Yeah.

But essentially you've j you've j you have you have parented a piece of physical satire on American politics essentially and an unstoppably shitting child but parented is polite

I am here I am present yes

we are recording on the 10th of November on this day in 1793 a goddess of reason was proclaimed by the French Convention

And

this was in

a slightly lively decade for France in which they ditched Christianity and attempted attempted to form a religion based on reason.

It was called the cult of reason.

It marked a departure from worshipping strange magical deities.

It was the world's first state-sponsored secular atheist religion.

So, would this signal a watershed moment in which politics cleaved itself away from its favourite mechanism of social control and indoctrination towards a more considered, logical, humane system of truth, freedom, and rationality?

F no.

It was absolute chaos.

Within a few months, it had collapsed, and all the leaders had copped a bit of a de-noggining de-noggining courtesy of what the Australians would no doubt call Gillo, the guillotine.

Marianne Cottillard's views on the cult of reason that briefly held to end revolutionary France were not made clear in her appearance as Mal in the Christopher Nolan film Inception.

And on this day...

What's going on in the shed today, Andy?

What's happening?

I feel like I've let this go for as long as

in terms of representing the voice of the listeners on this podcast.

I feel I've let this go for as long as I can possibly let it go.

What's got have you just discovered the existence of Marion Cartier?

No, no, I haven't actually.

No, no, to be honest, I can't remember how I began writing that bit.

What I would say is it's that time of the year where I've sort of reached a point, and obviously, you know, I wipe my brain clean on December the 31st every year, ready for a new year of news.

And by mid-November, usually I can't take another f ⁇ ing bulletin without screaming.

And

sometimes,

you know, you just turn to another source for

inspiration.

And in this case, I think it must have been some kind of Wikipedia chain that led to Marian Kotiard.

I should say, having briefly googled it, Cotiard did subsequently renounce her views on 9-11.

Oh, right, okay.

So

she's back on Team 9-11 happened.

Oh, right, okay.

And what about you?

What side were you on?

I can't remember if you'd

Andy, being asked what side of 9-11 were you on is eerily reminding me of an experience I had with customs at an airport.

Well, it's good that that's now on the record, Nish.

That should hopefully clear up any

lingering confusion.

By the time you listeners listen to this, it'll probably will no longer be the 10th of November, since it's already quite late on the 10th of November.

It may well be the 12th of November, in which case, on this day in 1927, the 12th of November, Leon Trotsky was expelled from the Communist Party in the Soviet Union, leaving Joseph Stalin as in undisputable control of the communist superblock.

Marion Cottiard has never played the part of Trotsky

or Stalin in any known film or stage play.

And in 1990, Tim Berners-Lee published a formal proposal for the World Wide Web, thus inadvertently paving the way for today's Bugle podcast, featuring me, Nish and Hari in three separate locations.

Cheers, Timbers, much obliged.

And also paving the way for numerous potential deep fake videos of Marion Kottiar playing table tennis against Trotsky.

How do you fing sleep at night, Burners-Lee?

This is on you.

You know, I know that fans of this podcast get you

and love you because whenever I meet fans of this podcast after shows,

not once have they asked me what I assumed they would ask me, which is, why is he like that?

And

they must get you in a level that we don't

well that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me hurry the listenership of this podcast just sat there nodding their heads going yeah yeah he's clearly just googled barry podcast

and that's found its way into

the text

I'm feeling like the Wizard of Oz here

as always a section of this podcast is going straight in the bin this week we have a greatest human creation in history knockout competition round one.

This week was a historic week because the number of things made by humans in all history reached 17,592,186,44,416.

That, of course, is four to the power of 22, which means that we can have a 22 round competition to find the best thing ever with four items in each heat and the best one going through to the next round.

This competition will take probably hundreds of thousands of years, but we're going to start it with heat one, round one.

And the four items in the competition this week to find out which is the best thing ever are T.S.

Eliot's The Wasteland, a flint axe head made by some guy or other in what is now Spain 30,000 years ago, the Enchilada, and a rudimentary picture of a horse drawn by a four-year-old Marianne Cottiard at nursery school.

God, please.

You can vote.

You can vote on

every round of this competition for however long it takes.

That section is in the pin.

Please, God, I believe in you right now.

Make the start.

I genuinely feel like one of Mark Chapman's friends.

Well, as in the sports presenter, Mark Chapman.

No,

the man who was to John Lennon what you in 617 will be to Marion Cotiard.

Top story this week.

The US midterms have happened and they didn't happen quite as fing disastrously as everyone seemed to be anticipating.

USA.

USA.

Donald Trump's red wave of Republican votes has failed to materialize.

And Joe Biden, the president, described it as a good day for democracy, by which I think he meant not a f ⁇ ing shit day for democracy, which is really all we could hope for around the world these days.

It is being viewed, Hari, as quite a big blow for Donald Trump and one which could prove a significant setback for his goal of the destruction of all hope and light from the universe.

Were you surprised?

by this, Harry?

Well, let me first say that Election Day in the US should be held on Halloween because it is by far the scariest day of the year in this country.

I do not trust other people in this country.

It's also the day that TV political reporters get to pretend they're weathermen, which I think was their true dream.

Do you guys have magic screens in the UK or do you have dignity left in terms of news reporting?

No, no, no, no.

We sometimes have full 3D recreations of the country that news presenters wander around.

In fact,

it's all started with the swingometer

on our TV coverage.

And the man who invented the swingometer died this week at the age.

He was in his 90s and viewed as one of Britain's greatest sophologists, I'm led to believe.

So, I mean, this was, you know, I don't know what he would make of

this,

you know,

what it's the monster he has unleashed.

I mean, look, it was definitely better than it was predicted, right?

Because they predicted a red wave and all the right-wing places called it a red tsunami,

you know, which it wasn't.

You know, the Democrats, they didn't completely screw it up.

But the sad thing is, regardless of what happens, the human race will likely still be destroyed by climate change, nuclear war, or this is a long shot.

Dinosaurs returning to Earth claim what was rightfully theirs.

So in the broad scheme of things, this is somewhat irrelevant, but yeah, I suppose

it was good day for

it wasn't the worst day.

But the thing is, it just seems so premature because those Senate races haven't been decided yet.

Herschel Walker and

Raphael Warnock are still very close.

They have to have a runoff election.

They're still that close

election in Nevada.

Like, it's not decided, so there still is a chance that the Republicans will have the House and the Senate.

So I don't understand how we're.

What are we celebrating exactly?

That

what are we celebrating exactly?

I don't really understand that

the Herschel Walker race by the way with

Raphael Warnock is

very painful to watch I have I'm looking at my notes right now I have a D next to Raphael Warnock for Democrat and I have a D next to Herschel Walker for dummy

he he's a former professional football player with no political experience so of course Trump endorsed him because he's not the ideal candidate.

This man, you know, is running on family values, even though he has many children that he actually does not know about, it appears.

You know how they make that joke, you know, like, how many kids do you have?

Two that I know of.

He can't make that joke because it is, he actually does not know.

And many of the children that he does know exist have said they will not vote for him,

including Republicans, including children of his that are Republicans.

And he actually has a chance to be

the senator, one of the senators from Georgia.

Also, it should be noted on the family values thing, he has been accused of threatening women and paying for an abortion, despite obviously being against abortion.

But it should be noted that he has multiple personality disorder, and he has claimed that it wasn't him that did those things

but it's because he has multiple personality disorder which is the strangest version of shaggy's it wasn't me i have ever heard

and really

a an incredible way to apply corporate law to yourself like it wasn't me herschel walker it was herschel walker limited

but that race is still despite everything i've just told you that election's still up for grabs.

Well, I guess in terms of why people have been more positive about it from, I guess, the center, the left, and the sort of anti-Trump world is that the candidates endorsed by Trump seemed generally to do a lot worse than was expected.

And Trump himself, the former president, human emetic, and poster boy of tantrumist politics, was reported to have been screaming at everyone as the results emerged and showed that, you know, the 2020 election result in which he inspired more Americans to vote against their incumbent president than any of his predecessors had ever managed was no uh fluke even if of course we all know it was uh entirely fraudulent and that 25 million corpses voted for Biden 300 million votes for Trump were discounted because someone counting votes in Georgia took a piss in a gender neutral toilet and CNN just put some made-up numbers on the screen and everyone for whatever reason went along with it we all know that but the point is that it wasn't uh it wasn't a fluke uh I mean Nish I know um you know you and Donald Trump haven't always seen eye to eye

politically

and you've probably had some very awkward golf days with him I imagine.

But I mean do you

I was seeing articles in various papers saying this you know this this could mark the the beginning of the end of the Trump influence on American politics.

Is that too early to say do you think?

Well he was supposed to make an announcement about running for 2024 and now there are rumours that he may stand that announcement down and he's being encouraged by people in his inner circle not to announce in the immediate aftermath of these results which as you say there does seem to be a correlation between candidates Trump supported and maybe them subsequently underperforming and the Republican Party seems to be caught in this very difficult situation where Trump is still very popular with the Republican base who are and I mean I don't wish to speak ill uh uh of people but at the same time they are to a man cunts just an absolute pack of flat earthing witch burners and

it's because of this the so-called red wave didn't materialize red wave which let's not beat around the bush sounds like a sanitary product which feels fair I would say fairly appropriate given one of the key issues in these elections was women's health care and surprisingly the Republican position is strongly against they were they came out very strongly against the concept of women's health And that seems to have bitten them in the backside because abortion, which had previously not been a hugely decisive issue in polling around how people were going to vote in national elections, has now become incredibly important.

And in three states, California, Vermont, and Michigan, voters voted to protect abortion rights in their state constitutions.

Because that was also something that they were voting on.

Because I have to say, American democracy is like the film Tenet in that it really only makes sense to the people within it.

Everyone outside of it, sort of a group of baffled onlookers with popcorn dribbling down their chin as their jaws hang open in sheer confusion as to what's going on.

But

oh yeah, I totally get what's happening right now, Mitch.

This makes complete and utter sense to me.

An American who was born and raised here and has witnessed every moment of of this last 10 to 20 years.

This is exactly as it was written.

This makes complete sense.

But

the scale of the defeat,

because it does at the moment seem like

the Republicans will take control of Congress and the Senate is probably going to come down to this runoff between Raphael Warnock and, I mean, Herschel Walker, who is the absolute pit.

But all this talk about Trump potentially delaying his announcement that implies a level of self-awareness that has never haunted Donald Trump.

Say what you will about Donald Trump.

He's not a man overly bothered by how people perceive him.

And so, I mean,

I still think he will probably announce, but just because

the man's got absolutely no sense of no sense of himself.

A positive thing about it is that the youth turnout was, it had the second highest youth turnout that is voters between 18 and 29 in almost three decades.

The slightly depressing thing about that is the youth turnout was 27%.

Which is obviously subpar, but that age group heavily voted for the Democrats and it was pretty and it's turning out to be quite a decisive group of people.

Unfortunately,

old people seem to hate their children and that is a real like political problem that we're seeing all over the world.

There is just a generation of people that seem to look at their children and grandchildren and think, you fing sponging cs.

I am going to do whatever I can to ruin your futures.

You've ruined my life.

You've ruined my lives.

And I'm going to take my revenge on you.

And that seems to be the big theme of global politics around the world.

It's just a generation of people who fing hate their children and grandchildren.

I still think that Trump is in a strong position.

Because

they weren't voting against Trump.

They were voting against guys that aren't Trump that Trump endorsed.

That's a different thing altogether.

You know what I mean?

Like that's not just because the, you know, just because Joey, the friends spin-off, didn't succeed, that doesn't mean Friends is any less popular.

All right?

This is just a bunch of failed spin-offs, but

he's still the big guy.

Right.

That puts it in harrowing terms, Harry.

I don't know.

Like you, Nish,

the more I learn about American politics, the less sense it makes.

That said,

when you compare it with Indian politics, I think that might be the most confusing thing ever devised by humanity.

Indian politics is not actually that complicated, Andy.

It's just he who bribes the most wins the most.

Isn't it just the British system with just more open bribery?

If anything, it's honest.

It's a more honest form of democracy.

One of the big contested races was what was happening in Pennsylvania.

Dr.

Oz,

the TV doctor, probably one of the few things Oprah has done to harm humanity,

making him and Dr.

Phil famous.

But he ran for the Senate against John Federman, a Democrat, who only wears sweatshirts, which makes him relatable to the average man.

Love it.

The hoodied politician.

Love it.

Fantastic.

And

obviously he's white, otherwise that wasn't going to work.

But he had had a stroke, and the big issue was would people vote for Dr.

Oz?

despite the fact he had a stroke and happily they they didn't even though like people were hammering

Federman for like, oh, he was slurring during the debates, and he was having trouble remembering things.

And I'm like, are you kidding me?

I saw them.

He sounded fine.

And also,

you're worried about people slurring their words and getting confused and not knowing what they're saying.

We've had Trump,

George W.

Bush, and Ronald Reagan as president.

You're really concerned that this is going to be a problem.

And luckily, enough Pennsylvania voters understood that and voted for Federman against

this weird composite of a doctor and the shambo guy and Laurie Grenier from QVC.

He's a man who sells diet pills on television, and he luckily did not win.

In terms of the Democrats and what is going to, you know, we've been talking a lot about Trump and him running for president again.

Biden was asked whether he would run again,

and

he said yes,

which initially, when I saw the headline, you know, should Biden run,

I'm like,

absolutely not.

I mean, at best, a man at his age should be jogging or fast walking.

He's way too run to really.

And then it was like, oh, run for president.

Absolutely not.

No, no, that is a terrible idea.

He did something quite strange yesterday during the,

there was a press conference, I think, at the White House, and

he was asked a question, and he was just silent for what seemed like 10 or 15 seconds.

And I know some people would say, well, you know, this is a sign of an old man.

who maybe doesn't have quite the faculties he would.

And I realised what it probably was was something that we just don't see in politics now.

We've just become completely unused to it.

And that is someone thinking about what they were about to say before saying it.

And it was so unfamiliar.

I just couldn't quite comprehend what or why he was doing it.

To be fair, Joe Biden isn't really known for his tact and carefully deliberating the words.

And the only fact he looks reasonable is that Trump absolutely didn't.

So Biden's like, man, he takes an extra second before he says something ridiculous.

The bar is very low for strangeness in that particular job at the moment.

As long as he's not got his trousers and pants around his ankles and he's actively flinging his own shit at reporters.

He looks like an absolute paradigm of normalcy.

If anything, that would raise his approval rating.

Like, finally, this is entertaining.

I missed how entertaining Trump was.

This is a blast.

Didn't see this coming.

Yeah, Biden.

World star.

Listen, what are we hoping for?

Are we hoping for the next two years seeing the Republican Party tear itself to shreds as they can't choose between Ron DeSantis and the MAGA wing of the party and its leader Donald Trump?

Yes, that's exactly what we're hoping for.

Humanity's best hope is the Republican Party implodes into itself.

There are so many issues currently facing the entire planet and obviously maybe facing the people of America that are completely dependent on the Republican Party having their own internal civil war.

So I guess all we could do is encourage that.

Ron DeSantis, guess what?

I heard Trump saying your willie was terrible.

Your willy was terrible.

Terribly sized, does it

weigh terribly, does it smell terribly?

Is this weird in it?

And it has an F word written on it in pen.

At the end of the day, it could have been worse.

And surely that is the motto of American democracy.

That is the literal translation translation of e pluribus unum it could have been much worse his penis was two inches long and seven inches wide

it looked like a

it looked it looked like a brick

i i i stole that from kurt vonnegut kurt vonnegat says something like that in breakfast of champions one of the funniest things i've ever read in my life that that one

that one debris Harry Kondabolu is maybe the only stand-up in the world who has material overlap with Kurt Vonnegut.

You haven't read Kurt Vonnegut's book on cricket stats, which shamelessly ripped off over the years.

What what what does Kurt Vonnegut say when uh a ball gets past somebody and hits a boundary?

Uh he says so it goes.

I genuinely can't believe, Hurry, that you had the fing audacity to accuse Andy of being too obtuse with his cotier.

How d how genuinely, how dare you accuse him him of being abused when you have produced a Kurt Vonnegut cricket joke?

This isn't me.

This isn't me.

This is Starkhorn syndrome, please.

This isn't me, man.

I've been on the bugle too much, man.

This isn't me.

I don't talk like this.

What happened to me?

I guess that's the great thing with podcasting as an art form, isn't it?

That there's a niche for everything.

And I think this podcast is very much in that niche for

Kurt Vonnegut fans who admire the acting work of Marion Cottier and like cooking.

It's a big world, there's a niche for everything.

This podcast is an obtuse fetish.

It is one of the really low-down categories on Pornhub.

Other deranged individuals now, news now, and

well, the Elon Musk era of Twitter has,

well, it's begun.

Some stuff has happened.

Musk, when it comes to Twitter, Musk has been very much like a cesium-coated walrus belly-flopping into a crowded paddling pool.

It's caused total and utter mayhem.

It's been a, I mean, it's been an interesting, it's been a curious.

I mean, he's been baffling the world for a long time, but I think now maybe more than ever.

Before we go further, let me just say this.

This Elon Musk is the perfect reason why I think Nelson Mandela should have been more vengeful.

He got out of prison and he was like, we have to build, we're building a nation.

And

Elon Musk was allowed to keep his wealth and his prison.

Look what happened.

You should, I'm not saying go full on, Idi Amin or Mugabe.

I'm not saying go full on.

But a little bit, you know, if you just nipped this shit in the bud, we never would have gotten here.

Meanwhile, this guy got to do whatever he wanted to do, and now he's destroying the world.

So you're blaming Nelson Mandela for the fact that Twitter's become even more toxic in the last year.

You know, I never thought.

Yes.

I'm sure you never thought someone could make such a logical leap, but yes, I am.

I am saying that Nelson Mandela was too peaceful, too kind.

He had an opportunity to destroy the boars and he didn't take it.

Right.

Yeah, it's, I mean, listen, it's not, it's not had, he's not had a great week, is what I would say.

Nelson Mandela or Elon Musk?

Well,

both, philosophically.

Nelson Mandela has not yet come back from the dead, so I guess you've got to count that as a bad week.

Plus, he's just been blamed by a podcaster for

the

career of Elon Musk.

So that's a double L in Big Nails Com for this week.

I guess I gotta cancel that show in Johannesburg now.

But yeah, Musk on Twitter has,

I mean,

it's sort of been a chaotic day

today

because they Twitter planned to he planned to introduce a verification scheme by which Twitter users could pay $8

to get the blue tick that is a stamp of verification on the website.

He unfortunately what that led to it does suggest that Elon Musk has no experience of Twitter, the way that he's going about it, because obviously, inevitably, what that led to was a string of people paying the $8 and becoming verified as George Bush, Tony Blair, and various world figures.

Two fake accounts for Bush and Blair, which had verification, presumably purchased through the $8 scheme, were having a discussion about how much they missed starting the Iraq war.

That's hilarious.

That happened.

That literally happened this morning.

So then

in an attempt to firefight the problem, Twitter has today started blocking new accounts from its $8 Twitter validation.

So currently, the only accounts that can so as things stand today, the only accounts that can pay for Twitter are accounts that already have Twitter for free, many of whom I imagine already have their Blu-Tech sorted.

So

it's just been a day of absolute chaos at the end of a week of absolute chaos.

Musk has also said that he's,

as we record, he said that they're going to end Twitter's working from home scheme and that he will be personally reviewing people's reasons for why they need to work from home.

And you're just like,

do you genuinely not have enough to do at this point?

The reason I think, and a lot of people seem to think he bought it, is because people are making fun of him on the website.

So here's my plan.

Let's start slagging Musk on the regs, just every single week on the bugle and get him to buy the bugle.

Let's get a cash injection from Elon Musk of 44 billion and let's just start slag, hey Elon, fucking weird.

You look like you were carved out of ham, but somebody made your face too small for your head.

Well, look, I mean, you say 44 billion.

I think I'd say 22 billion.

I mean, I'd say half that.

If Musk wants to buy the bugle out for 22 billion.

Andy, don't negotiate down.

This is exactly the sort of financial planning that's afflicting your own financial status.

Try not to negotiate.

The guy paid $44 billion for a website where people just share pictures of cats.

I really think we can get more for the rest of the world.

Okay.

All right.

We'll go 24.

24 million.

Billion.

Billion.

Sorry.

Billion, Elon.

Since he took over Twitter,

Saudi Arabia's kingdom holding company has become the second largest investor in Twitter.

And it's just the latest thing that Saudi Arabia have bought, ranging from the concept of golf to

Premier League football clubs.

And as the old song goes, money can't buy you love, but it can buy you a series of investments that bake your regime into the life and culture of the world in a completely unaccountable fashion.

And

I have actually noticed that, I mean, there's been talk of a

mass exodus

from Twitter.

And

I think the Bugle Twitter following has dropped partly,

I don't know, because

I barely post anything on it, and people can't be asked for that anymore.

Or

are people just going to leave Elon Musk with a $44 billion

online white elephant, which is basically just him shouting at his own reflection?

I mean, how far?

I think maybe six to eight months, that is what Twitter will be.

It's kind of almost the best practical joke you can imagine.

You spent 44 billion and everyone collectively agrees that they're done with it at the same time.

It's real chaos.

Somebody has been

pretending to be.

Somebody who has paid $8 is pretending to be Ben Shapiro

and has said.

And has entered into a conversation with someone else who's pretending to be Ted Cruz.

And Ben Shapiro has tweeted, I've always wondered what a woman's body feels like and looks like in real life without clothes.

That would be so cool.

To which the fake Ted Cruz has replied, the first time I entered my human wife, I said, groaning into her ear this is exactly how mother said it would feel so I mean like

again

this is what happens when somebody buys something without any knowledge whatsoever of its internal workings any one of us could have told Elon Musk that if you buy Twitter and try and impose things on its user base or all hell will break loose I think also what we're finding is that and we see this this age of sort of corporate dominance of the world is that there is a force that cannot be beaten and that is the force of human childishness and i think elon musk has butted up against that we we saw that with the the boaty boat face thing here a few years ago and i mean i think maybe is that our that's the only play we've got left as a species against the destruction of our own planet is being unbelievably childish at every possible opportunity and maybe maybe that's all we need we don't need love we don't need corporate you accuse me of childishness, Andy, or indeed any of the three of us of childishness, because we're all verified on Twitter, which means, as I've just found out when I clicked on my own blue tick, that my account is verified because it's notable in government, news, entertainment, or another designated category.

That's bumped in up to 30 billion.

Elon, please, just have a wank before you buy something next time.

That's what I would say.

The only thing that makes sense is Elon was backed up in the sack and made a wild decision.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle.

Don't forget, next week, beginning on Sunday in Leeds, the 13th of November, I'm doing a week of Saturdays for High Gigs, 13th to the 18th.

Leeds, Bath, Brighton, Tunbridge Wells, Cardiff and Worcester.

If you are coming, do I think Cardiff might be sold out and Tunbridge Wells very nearly sold out.

The homecoming.

The return of the king.

Don't call it a comeback.

Yes,

in the Trinity Art Centre, lovely venue.

The only place my late grandmother saw me do stand up, and it's fair to say I was not her favourite comedian.

Anyway, that was a long time ago.

But do come along to the shows.

If you are coming, do send your satirical requests for the show to satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

Nish, anything to plug?

Australian buglers, specifically those that live in Melbourne or Sydney or have sufficient means and interest in getting to Melbourne and Sydney, I will be doing my shows there.

The Melbourne show on the 28th of November is sold out.

And then I'm doing another show on the 29th, and then I'm doing a show in Sydney on the 30th, and then a show on the the 1st of December

and all of the tickets for those are available at nichecommand.co.uk.

In a slightly surprised turn of events given that in the southern hemisphere the water goes down the other way down the plughole it's

I have sold at a surprising pace.

There are only about 20 tickets left.

Up is down, left is right in Australia, but the tickets have sold at a speed that has surprised, frankly, all of us.

And I include myself and my agents in that conversation.

So, yeah, there's only about 20 tickets left for

the three remaining geeks.

So, I would act quickly.

Hari, what have you got coming up?

I got tour dates and an announcement.

Tour dates, I'm in Nashville, Tennessee, November 15th, Atlanta, Georgia on the 16th,

Bugle Stronghold, Tulsa, Oklahoma, on the 17th.

Lawrence,

Tulsa Bugle on the Senate.

Lawrence, Kansas, on November 18th.

St.

Louis on November 19th.

If I survive that tour,

Olympia, Washington, December 13th, San Diego, December 16th to 18th, Tucson, December 19th, Santa Cruz, December 20th, and Sacramento, December 21st.

All that, of course, is available on hurrykundabolu.com or Google Hurry and Comedian and you'll figure it out.

And the announcement, I am the co-host of the show Snack vs.

Chef, which premieres on Netflix on November 30th with my co-host Meg Stalter, who is on the show Hacks.

So if you like the political content of this show,

you know, just watch that show so I can make more money.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

We have a week off next week because I'm on tour.

There will be a bonus sub-bugle.

And then we'll be back the following week before I then head to Pakistan.

I've done today's show, having been jabbed with all manner of diseases

yesterday.

And yeah, I have to say, I was feeling a little sluggish before the start, which I'm going to blame on a little bit of polio in the arm.

Who knows?

We will now play you out with some entries on the Bugle Wall of Fame.

To join the Bugle Voluntary subscription scheme to make a one-off or occurring contribution to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

The Bugle Wall of Fame

Simon Hawkins was the person who suggested to the ancient Greeks that they make the columns on their temples round instead of square.

And Paul Browning actually bred a working Sphinx, unlike the Egyptians, who were only able to pretend one out of stone.

Finnegan Southey discovered that the South Pole was in the wrong place and moved it a couple of hundred miles further south until it actually worked.

Ma Howell not only invented the balloon but was the first person to make a model of any quadrupedal mammal exclusively out of balloons.

Philip Kuravilla suggested to Ian Fleming that James Bond should be a secret service agent.

Fleming had originally wanted his character to be a postman.

Tom Vesters invented the sofa by accidentally breeding an armchair with a bed during a botched experiment, and Adam Warren was the person responsible for the 3,000 metre steeplechase being accepted into the Olympic track and field programme, this after he suggested removing the traditional piranhas from the water jump.

Jeremy Ackerman Yost launched Elvis Presley on the path to superstardom when he suggested that the singer change his name from Fernie Splodgings.

And Thomas Taylor discovered that there is a biological difference after all between chickens and mackerel.

It had previously been assumed that they were just the same creature, adapting to different surroundings.

And finally, Kevin Lyder formalised the sonnet at 14 lines long, up from the original six, at which point it had really just been a limerick with an extra line tagged on the end for advertising purposes.

Congratulations to all those people for joining the Bugle Wall of Fame.

To join them, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.