The Sistine Chapel: The Original PornHub

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4245 of The Bugle.

This week's show is a composite melting pot amalgamatic computational best of Hyper Blend Meldwodge of not one, not two, not four, certainly not zero, but three live shows from our Bugle 15th anniversary live bugle live show in Birmingham with Neil Delamere, Helen Zoltzman, and via the magic of the internet, Alice Fraser.

That was recorded on Thursday, the 27th of October, plus our two shows in Glasgow on Sunday, the 30th, both of which featured Nish Kumar live in glorious human 3D, and one each of which involved Alice from Australia and NATO Green joining in from San Francisco, as well, of course, as producer Chris and me, Andy Zoltzman.

So strap in.

here is your unique three bugles power welded into one bugle

a section of the bugle is going

yes a couple of sections in the bin this week in fact we have in the bin a discrete discredited conspiracy theories section in the bin have got any conspiracy theories fans in

yep

do you believe they're um because I mean I'm suspicious of conspiracy theories in general

so I think

a lot of them are really outlandish, aren't they?

And

I think there's a secret

government agency that pumps out implausible conspiracy theories to discredit the ones that are actually onto something.

This goes right to the top.

But to keep you up to date with all the conspiracy theories that have been discredited, because obviously there's loads going around in every walk of life now, discredited this week,

Neil Armstrong was a CIA agent who shot JFK and was sent to the moon to dispose of the evidence.

Turns out, not true.

The Black Death in the 14th century was deliberately spread by the international costume sector to boost sales of plague masks.

Because Big Mask had been struggling since the heyday of ancient Greek theatre and needed to make itself profitable again.

Discredited.

Hillary Clinton, she bought Willy Wonka's chocolate factory off Wonka and

repurposed it to farm test tube grown human organs to sell illegally for transplant surgery to people who didn't even need transplants but were persuaded to have them by a website run by Michael Blumberg and Taylor Swift.

That's still 50-50.

We don't know if that is or isn't true.

The world is just a great big onion.

Flatly untrue.

That has now been completely disproved.

This conspiracy theory I read in the Daily Telegraph last week.

Britain has been run for the past 12 years by an unaccountable hard-left cabal intent on destroying the very concept of Britishness and probably the planet whilst they're at it too, under the convenient cover of there being a Conservative government in power.

Turns out that's bullshit as well, would you believe?

And finally, Canadian pop music is mostly a front for hardline neoliberal economics.

Do you agree with that?

Would you agree with that?

Let's find out.

Name me a Canadian pop star.

Incorrect.

Carly Ray Jepson.

So let's listen to a little snippet and find out what's her most famous bit of music.

Hey, I just make it.

This is crazy.

But here's my number.

So call me, maybe.

What happens if you play it backwards, Chris?

Okay.

I am in favour of cutting taxes under any circumstances and for any excuse, for any reason, whenever it's possible.

Honestly.

Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself.

Oh God.

What the

Right, Chris, we need a sting.

Top story this week, well two weeks ago our top story was Britain is fed.

One week ago our top story was Britain is even more fing fed than we fing thought.

And this week it's Britain waits to see whether we're any less f than we were a week ago or just fed in a different way.

So

what a time to be alive it has been if you are a fan of watching democracy die before your eyes.

We have a new Prime Minister since last time.

The Liz Truss's fever dream

brought about by some seriously unpasteurised cheese is over.

The former Prime Minister shuffled

obliviously into.

It's quite extraordinary that she left insisting that she was right and that it was very much the electoral socket's fault, not her fault, that we all got electrocuted when she rammed our national fingers into the electoral socket.

Helen, I know you're a huge Liz Truss fan.

Andy, that's libel.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, that's.

I tell you what, I'm a fan of, though, is all the swearing that has been on the news.

It's a glorious time for us swear fans.

Yes.

Because they have to report it.

Well, what's been your particular highlight of the

sweary news bits?

Particular highlight is all the swearing, Andy.

All the swearing.

Right.

You know, if we're going to have Tories, at least it's truthful to have swearing on the news, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, bringing Jeremy Hunt back is pretty much

carte blanche for people accidentally saying.

And now we have Rishi Sunak,

Nish, and a historic moment.

This

the first

billionaire prime minister.

Now, as a member of the billionaire community, this must have been a huge moment.

We do talk about it at private jet aficionado societies.

This is a huge time for the Asian

community.

I have never been, I never thought in my life an Asian would be Prime Minister.

I thought if there was an Asian that was going to be Prime Minister, he'd be sort of quite a nice bloke.

No!

And for too long, I, as a brown,

have not been represented in politics.

It's been a succession of white after white after white.

But now, finally, as an Asian,

I too can dream of being the most important in the whole

country.

We did it, folks.

Chris,

you were supposed to bleep all that up.

Yeah, I think, amazingly, you had me on as a guest on a week that we were talking about Rishi Sunak.

I think you're going to need the bleep button.

Sorry, Nate, go for it.

Well, so, Nish,

I have to

reveal my assumptions here, which is I tend to

understand Indian people as Jews, if you know what I'm saying.

Like,

A friend asked me recently if Indians are the Jews of Asia, and I said, no, I don't think so.

There's 15 million Jews and like a billion, billion Indians.

It's more like Jews are the Indians of white people.

And so my question is, with the rise of Rishi Sunak,

are your parents more disappointed with you, Nish?

Because again, that's quite a a high bar to clear, isn't it?

A very high bar to clear.

I'm sorry, I genuinely am still reeling from the phrase, Jews are the Indians of white people.

That was still

another fantastic episode title that Green is absolutely churning them out.

Jews are the Indians of white people.

F ⁇ ing hell.

If I was ever to get a tattoo, it absolutely would be that.

Yes,

there's certainly, shall we say, some comedic overlap in the expectations of Jewish parents and Indian parents.

I think that that is safe to say.

And, you know, I don't think that this has helped.

Because I'll be frank with you, and this, for all the non-Indians in the room and all the non-Indians listening, every Indian slacker you know

knows Rishi Sunak.

Not the specific man, but the exact same guy.

Same haircut, same stupid little suit, same gormless grin, right?

And the thing is that I think Rishi Zerak is actually quite unpleasant.

He's done some really not great things.

You know, his refusal to raise the levels of sick pay during the pandemic contributed was, I think, a driver to why people were going into work ill.

He also pioneered Eat Out to Help Out, which instead of getting the hospitality industry up and running by doing things like giving tax rebates to businesses that were doing takeaways, he encouraged people to go indoor.

Like, it was a disease that spread itself itself by people being sat close to each other, and he was like, Time to hit the hut.

We gotta hit the hut, baby.

And so,

when that happened, I was like, This was a huge vindication for the Asian slacker community because we know Rishi Sunak, and we hate people like Rishi Sunak.

And it turns out we were right to hate him because our arts degrees have never killed anyone.

I mean,

he came in pledging to govern with honesty,

integrity, accountability and

professionalism.

This is a hot crowd.

They're even laughing at these set-ups.

Honesty, integrity, accountability and professionalism.

And within 30 seconds, he had reappointed Suella Bravaman as home secretary.

This was reminiscent of that scene in, I don't know if you've seen the film Silence of the Muttons,

the sequel to Silence of the Lambs, when Hannibal Lecter goes out for dinner with Clarice Starling, promises he's gone fully vegan, takes one look at the menu, and orders a 32-year-old truck driver medium red.

I mean, Bravman, lest we forget, and this again was, I can't remember if this was, I've lost entire track of time, as well as hope.

Was kind of quit stroke was sacked, quacked as home quacked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She jumped while she was being pushed.

It's a real piece of employment-based jiu-jitsu.

And

then within a week of this was, you know, for a fairly significant security breach.

Yes, yes, she sent confidential documents

to people who shouldn't have received them from her personal email account.

Yeah, but I mean, we've all done it, haven't we?

Yeah.

The problem is, the precedent was already set.

Because Pretty Patel was the home secretary after she committed, I guess the phrase technically is mild treason.

Pretty Patel, before she was Home Secretary, under Theresa May's leadership, had a meeting with the Israeli government that she didn't declare to the United Kingdom, which is technically treason.

And they put her in charge of law and order.

Well, to be fair, in mitigation, she was on holiday.

And you know.

What goes on on holiday stays on holiday, Miss.

What have you done on holiday, Andrew, that you're worried about coming out?

So

that's an entirely different show.

Neil,

as an external observer,

analyse the last

two months of...

I think looking at it from the outside, I think I speak for everyone in Ireland when I say it.

What are you thinking?

We're trying to figure out what Rishi Sunak is going to be like on international matters because at previous hustings he famously opened it in Belfast and he said, good evening, fellow Britons, which

he's obviously playing the orange card there and not the green card, which is weird because he recently had a green card under last year.

Some people think Rishi's height matters, some people are obsessed with it, some people aren't.

And Liz Truss thinks it's further proof of the anti-growth coalition

NATO,

how has the reaction been in America to

the curious political upheavals we've had here?

Well, so as usual, Andy, I'm trying to follow your situation with, I would say, amusement and curiosity.

So Rigi Sunak had a video put out

that had the, it seemed like a very high production value video, like made by Ridley Scott.

Lots of snappy cuts and sound effects.

They couldn't be bothered to spring for real music, so they had to use child pornography music, I guess, as I understand it.

So, but in the video,

there's a shot of Sudak saying, I will unite our country not with words, but with actions.

And the immediate next shot is of him dipping a biscotti into a coffee, which

is technically in action,

but not, I mean, and uniting, obviously, like,

I mean, dipping a cracker into a coffee is delicious, and if he's got a mouthful of snacks, he's not shredding the safety net.

But I'm not sure, if I understand the UK correctly, I'm not sure the major problem that you have is insufficient unity.

Liz Truss was the least popular prime minister ever.

80% of people thought that she was shit.

And

that is the kind of unity we're looking for.

It's almost a statistical impossibility to be that disliked as a politician.

It means that not just members of her own party hated her, but also her friends and relatives.

That is like life goals level of unity.

So

my favorite thing that jumped out at me from the current travails in the UK is that 80% of people disliked Liz Truss, but there's a new poll that 69% agree that the UK is headed in the wrong direction.

So, first of all, 69%.

Nice.

Nice.

But also, I'm interested in that delta.

80% dislike Liz Truss.

69% think the UK is headed in the wrong direction.

Who is the 11% that hated Liz Truss but think things are great?

Like, what is that person's story?

I want to know.

Also, we should clarify that when NATO says it's child pornography music, I realise we blew past that quite quickly.

And if you have no awareness of that video or the news story that sprung up around it, I imagine that sounded quite alarming.

The music sounded

alarmingly like a Gary Glitter song.

Like, it sounded more like a Gary Glitter song than is ideal.

If you're a Prime Minister, you've come in and you're trying to set a good tone in your first week week in power and there's already controversy over your various appointments.

You would have thought the first thing you do would be to not use music that's even slightly like Gary Getter anything.

One of that

went right out the top of your to-do list, isn't it?

Yeah, fantastic griff, though, to do a job for 44 days, of which I think two-thirds she didn't have to do anything, and then get £116,000 a year.

She's a genius.

It's like all of these ministers, there were like like five ministers who've been brought back to the cabinet.

It's Michael Gobe, Dominic Raab, Steve Barkley.

Sorry?

Johnny Mercer, Grant Shaps, Steve Barkley.

They all got their old jobs back, but because they've been away for more than three weeks, they're entitled to £16,876 of ministerial redundancy.

So are we sure that this whole thing hasn't been deliberate all along?

I think the only saving grace is that Liz Truss was voted in by about 80,000 of the Tory party members, and that after 49 days the majority of them will not have lived to see her fail.

I mean she was so far out of her depth from day one that all the fish around her were weird.

Boris Johnson, God rest his soul,

if it is ever located.

Boris Johnson, I mean it would be not so much like a dog returning to its vomit as an unstoppably chundering vomit cake dog made of sick, held together by a membrane of undigestive sausage skin returning to its own vomit.

But he chickened out of running to be party leader when it turned out that he was too far gone down the ethical bobsled run, even for the fucking Conservative Party.

Now, that was

some achievement.

There should be also a new rule.

The 1922 committee can't do this thing.

Oh, well, she's going to be brought in and given the proverbial glass of whiskey and revolver.

You've done it too often.

You have to change that now.

It has to be, they have to, oh, they've handed her the poppers and the garot.

They've given her the old heroin and the bowl constrictor.

They've brought her into a wood-paneled room and give her the fentanyl and the, well, the fentanyl, I suppose, actually.

No, the big one.

Nadim Zoari was the worst thing because he was the chancellor for two days.

And he went, when I was chancellor, I thought Boris Johnson did a very good job.

When I was in college, my girlfriend,

her period was late for 48 hours.

I wasn't walking around going, speaking as a father.

Look, I think it's great that Liz Truss is getting a pension.

I would pay her personally to never work again.

It was safer that way.

Yeah, because that's taxpayers' money.

So let's essentially just consider it crowdfunding the disappearance of Liz Truss.

I think that is possibly the best value public money that could possibly be spent, isn't it?

I have a question, Andy.

It's about Michael Gova, I'm afraid.

So he was sacked as levelling up secretary under Johnson.

Yes.

And now he's back as levelling up secretary.

Yes.

Does it count as levelling up if you went down between levels and then back up again?

Oh, I think so, yeah.

He wants to hit the save point, so he has to start from the beginning of the level, but he doesn't have to go back a level.

Oh, he didn't save, so he had to start a level.

No, this entire lack of consistency in leaders, it's getting really annoying.

So Liz Truss was a Liberal Democrat, then became a Tory.

Mary Lou MacDonald, who's going to be, who's the Sinn Féin leader, used to be in a party called Fina Fall.

The DUP guy, Geoffrey Donaldson, used to be a member of the Ulster Unionist Party.

The King of England was once the Prince of Wales.

And

60 odd years he was happy with that job.

And suddenly he got a shot at the top job, boom, in there.

Also the current Pope was rabbi of the year in 2012.

I was there, I was hosting the awards.

Bad you, bad you.

There's also a story breaking today that Liz Truss's phone, this was breaking so recently, it was like happening as we were on the train up here, but Liz Truss's phone may have been hacked by Russian agents.

Michael Goebbels asked this morning if it had happened, and he did not deny that it had happened, which basically means it probably fucking happened.

Like, at this point, like, is she the worst prime minister of all time?

Like,

I mean, let's not forget, she killed the queen.

Like, yeah,

she iced the queen, tanked the pound, and compromised state secret.

Like, that is hall of fame.

That was, she did that in 40 days.

That is hyper-efficient.

That is hyper-efficient.

There's almost more fing up than not finging up.

That the shortest life expectancy of any mammal was some kind of, I can't remember what it was, it was, but it was, I think, 57 days.

It was some kind of shrew

that could have lived through the entire

in some ways.

It's

it's almost heroic.

Yeah.

Did she also, like, what else did she get up?

Did she block the toilet in number 10 as well?

I mean,

it is an impressive level of fing shit up to have got that much wrong in that short period of time.

Well, it's certainly set a bar that future Tory prime ministers will no doubt strive to exceed.

Sunak came in pledging to govern with honesty, integrity, and fairness, and promptly brought back a load of ministers who'd been sacked for lack of honesty, integrity, fairness or basic competence.

In particular, Suella Braverman,

who

almost seems to be warning against herself there, saying, no, I know who I am.

Do not let me happen.

She quit, stroke, was sacked, quacked, I believe is the term

Sicked.

A week ago for

a security breach.

She dreams of catapulting the desperate to Rwanda, which is a fucking weird dream to have, isn't it?

It's very strange.

I think we should be worried that her personal email address is thekremlinasbrill at soviet.house.

I think.

Have we decided it's definitely Braverman?

Is it?

BC, I would suggest that, because it's a married name, I think it should be Braverman.

As in, you go up to the groom and go, You're a braver man than me, marrying that little thing.

Did you have any teachers in?

Hands up for your teacher.

You see how you look at it.

What do you teach?

Special need?

Good luck with that.

Often you'll see comedians ask people in the audience what they do for a living and then mercilessly lampoon it from the superior moral and ethical standpoint of talking shit into a microphone for a living, but

still very important work that you do.

It's socially and probably financially undervalued.

I wish you all the best.

I mean it lacks

it lacks the traditional zing-zang of regular banter, doesn't it?

Thanks for bringing the mood down, you do-gooding piece of shit.

Now

mum used to teach special needs as well, and that's what he used to say to her.

Do you mind if I ask

why did you go into teaching?

You wanted to help people and make a difference?

Okay, well let me tell you what Michael Gove said when he was education secretary.

I'm a one girl.

No, that was.

I want his actual words, not the subtext.

All right, okay?

What he actually said, not what he meant.

He said these words.

He said, I want an education system that is more demanding, fulfilling, and stretching.

That's all right?

I think that's okay.

So we can give our young people the broad, deep, and balanced education.

That's still okay?

I think it's all right.

Which will equip them to win in the global race.

Now, is that not the most sinister thing you've ever heard a British politician say?

I can't believe he managed to say it without stroking a white cat at the same time.

Quite 1930s vibes.

Yes.

Oliver Dowden is back as well in cabinet.

Oliver Dowden, formerly culture secretary, then minister without portfolio, which I think means incompetent, but

still enough of a prick to go and do what he's told in public.

A little wally.

The official status is, what is this guy good for?

I think it was Minister for War, wasn't it?

What is that good for?

He gave a speech to an American think tank earlier this year, just as the Ukraine war started.

And he points out that he thought the West was being weakened

and has left us in a poor position to deal with the threats of Putin.

Now, I'm going to do this as a multiple choice question for you, people of Birmingham.

Can you tell me what did Oliver Dowden, then cabinet minister, now once again cabinet minister, of the United Kingdom, say had been weakening the West?

Okay, so I think, listen to these options very carefully.

Was it A, leadership that has repeatedly undermined and desecrated our national democratic heritage and institutions?

Was it B, a cult of economic individualism that has stripped the sense of collective good from our society and our politics?

Was it C, a short-sighted energy policy that has left us absurdly dependent on the prattish whims of a strop-addicted despot?

Was it D, the underfunding of public services and the widening chasm between rich and poor?

Or was it E, some people wanting to use different pronouns?

A, B, C, D, or E.

But anyway.

It was E.

It wasn't E.

Right, I think it's time to move on to world news now.

Well, the exciting news is the rest of the world still exists.

A bit of a surprise to us here in Britain, the news that we've been watching over the last few weeks, the eternal fight between darkness and a slightly different shade of darkness that our current politics is.

But in the rest of the world, not everything is either hunky or dory, let alone both at the same time.

But excitingly, this week there has been a hugely important story in that the Pope has claimed that even nuns watch pornography.

Now

family show indeed.

Well I personally

to be fair it was because he asked them if they watched pornography and they said none.

Boom there we go.

Has the Pope looked at porn?

Otherwise how does he know it's he searched his name?

Have you not seen his ceiling?

I've only seen the moderate safe search version of the ceiling.

Got any Sistine Chapel fans in?

Dirty.

Look at the way his finger almost touches the other finger.

Also, the dome

is the form of architecture.

Sorry, Alice?

The dome is the sexiest form of architecture.

Looks like a boob.

More places to bang on it.

And it's spelled doomy.

Apparently, in the transcript of his speech in Vatican City,

Pope Francis said about pornography, the devil enters from there.

Which he's either describing pornography or he's describing pornography, if you know what I mean.

But also, God is supposed to be everywhere.

So if anyone is porning around, it's God, surely.

I don't think this is surprising.

I think

Pope Hub is probably the biggest site in the Vatican.

And I'd say the nuns are...

Pope Hub, did you say?

Pope Hub, yeah.

I think nuns are probably.

I was trying to figure out what nuns would like in terms of

the categories.

And then I thought, what is the most forbidden thing to a nun?

And I think it's probably just

having a sane running of the church.

So I'd say it's just a lot of them watching videos of women making decisions.

Ding-dong.

I'm here to clean your pool of holy water.

Look at her.

Look at her changing the liturgical reading and not asking anybody.

The Pope also said it weakens the priestly heart.

That was the phrase he used.

Which I would suggest if if you do at moderate intensity three or four times a week, it very much strengthens the priestly heart.

I don't think this is the worst thing people involved in the Catholic Church are doing right now.

Would you say that that is the priority?

Is watching pornography the worst behavior?

I seem to remember the film Spotlight wasn't about nuns watching fing porn on the tube.

It's, I mean, it's pretty spicy.

It's pretty spicy stuff.

Maybe they should watch porn.

And that might get some of their urges out in a hell.

Listen,

I say things that people are too afraid to say.

And I am saying force nuns and priests in the Catholic Church to watch pornography so they don't fiddle kids.

Okay?

So I think the subtext of that, Nish, is that you are a Rangers fan.

Is that right?

Have I read that right?

Because I'm.

I'm I'm I'm Jewish so I'm Partic Thistle

I mean to be fair it's not the nuns' fault they were just googling early 2000s pictures of themselves naughties nuns and you know one keyboard broke off and you're you're in a deep well

right on the subjects well slightly related subjects, I guess, Halloween news now

and Quebec, the Canadian state.

That's actually what a nun says when she walks in on a porn scene.

Halloween.

Again, I'm really going to need you to raise your bar for bad puns.

Bear in mind, this is our second show of the day.

I know how this ends.

I mean, Greek tragedies, people knew how they ended, and they still loved them.

They were still high-quality works of Art Nish.

Are you comparing one of your pun runs to a Greek tragedy?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, it's, you know, the classic elements of inevitability and hubris.

You are the aristocracy of wordplay.

Sorry, Alice.

They get their comeuppance.

Actually, getting your comeuppance is also a porn search on Red Check.

Family show, Alice.

Family show.

Someone's come up and seen her.

In Quebec, people have been asked not to dress as sexy nurses for Halloween.

Now, I don't know if you're big Halloween fans.

I quite enjoy it.

I like to harness the occult at Halloween.

I like to commune with the dead.

In fact, I had a seance just last week.

in which with my spirit medium we managed to communicate with the influential late German writer Gunter Grass.

And we thought it might be really interesting to talk to him about the state of modern literature and all that, but he just banged on about the importance of hitting our net zero targets and outlined sustainable plans for a low-carbon economy.

But then again, as they say, grass is always greener on the other side.

But of course, I mean the origin of the sexy nurse outfit goes back to the very first Halloween.

Oh yeah.

The Christian festival, like most of our festivals these days, the first Halloween, 31st of October 17 AD, when a teenage Jesus turned his mate Ian's head into a pumpkin and then told the parable of the sexy nurse.

That's a fact.

You are as bad a Christian as you are a Jew.

I will take that as a compliment.

I'm a Hindu.

Genuinely, apparently in World War II, the nurses used to have a cold spoon with them, just a spoon,

and they'd be treating these young men who'd just come back from war and were variously injured.

And

as inevitably, they'd be giving them a sponge bath, and a boner would appear.

They'd give them a touch of the cold spoon to deflate the boner.

But unfortunately what that led to was a rash of spoon fetishists.

There's so much bullshit on this podcast that I don't know if that's real or not.

That's 90% real.

That's 90% real that anecdote.

Look it up.

Educate yourself.

Okay.

Look, can you please all focus on the gig?

Do not look up spoon Fett.

Also, what are we supposed to do?

Spoon to the dick?

I don't know what the search terms are.

Dick Spoon World War II.

Didn't John Oliver play Dick Spoon in a film?

Since we're talking about how the rest of the world is fed, I would like a word, please.

Okay, all right.

Here we go.

Okay, no attention.

Let me speak to you one-on-one, me,

NATO Green here in San Francisco, to you

in-studio audience in Glasgow, the United Kingdom.

You all think you're fed.

Get over yourselves.

I live in San Francisco in a tech-fueled dystopian hell zone.

At any given time, we have 8,000 people living on the streets, and over 600 people die per year from overdoses.

Are we solving those problems?

Not at all.

But we can offer you a $75 fine-dining restaurant for dogs.

It's called Dog.

As spelled D-O-G-U-E.

There's a dish that includes wild antelope part.

UK, you think you're you don't even know about

bro.

This week, was the spouse of the leader of your center left party attacked with a hammer by a nudist obsessed with conspiracy theories coming from a pillow company?

No, that's what happened to Paul Pelosi's.

to Nancy Pelosi's husband, Paul.

So

shut the f up about that.

You think you've got it bad, UK?

You don't even know.

In Brazil, there's a runoff right now between Jair Bolsonaro and Lula Da Silva.

Did your far-right leader incite political violence, let hundreds of thousands of people die, cause environmental destruction, and then have to be hospitalized because he was loaded up with a kilo of feces?

No?

Did that same far-right leader have a friend named Roberto Jefferson who was under house arrest, but kept breaking the law while under house arrest that the police came to re-arrest him and then he threw grenades at them?

No.

Then what are you whining about?

By the way, Bolsonaro's in trouble for facing some political backlash for going on a podcast and saying that Venezuelan refugee girls were sex workers.

Hashtag sex workers work, Live Dune Girls Unite.

He said he was riding his motorbike and stopped his motorbike

on a corner, quote, took off my helmet, looked at some pretty girls, 14 to 15 years old.

Then he found 15 to 20 more Venezuelan girls getting ready on a Saturday, what for, to make a living.

He later apologized and said they weren't sex workers.

He was just joyriding through slums on a motorbike, objectifying teenagers.

And that's his winning argument.

Sounds like somebody's going to be making a video with a Gary Glitter song soon.

UK, you think you're f ⁇ ing

your country's overrun with racist f ⁇ ing heads who want to stop immigration, even though that thing that

immigration is the thing that props up your broken economy.

Have you heard of Israel?

They have elections coming up, and oh yes, Suella Braverman wants to keep Muslims out of the country and people are offended.

In Israel, they want to keep their Muslims there and ruin their lives forever.

So we thought Netanyahu was the right-wing candidate, but the thing about Israel is someone is always further to the right.

And this year, his name is Itamar Ben-Gvir of the Religious Zionists.

And I say this as a Jew, oh great, religious Zionists.

Two shit tastes that taste more shit together.

In a moment of refreshing honesty in politics, in an article about Ben Gvir, Natan, 21, a Yiddish student, said, Some of what he said is obviously bullshit.

And I think we can all agree.

So all I'm trying to say is sometimes comedy involves exaggeration, but not now.

I mean, so the Brazilian election is today, isn't it?

The runoff is today.

Yeah.

Bolsonaro.

A man whose blood type is COVID-19.

That man's got COVID in his teeth.

He's got COVID in places.

I didn't think it was possible to get COVID.

He's got COVID all up his arsehole.

It's unbelievable.

The guy is so much COVID.

and he's up against former president lula de silva who spent a bit of time since he was last president in jail yes yeah on uh dubious charges and now no i'm no doubt lula has his flaws but next to bolsonaro he looks like a cross between jesus christ roger federer playing a perfect backhand and a ripe mango

um

I was reading an article today saying that the the future of the Amazon rainforest and indeed the entire planet could depend on today's election in Brazil.

I mean,

who, therefore, I mean,

are you a Rainforest fan?

Do you like the idea of it?

I'd say I'm pro-Rainforest.

Do you not think it's had its chance?

I've had to think about it and I've thought, you know what, I might be pro-Rainforest.

But then, Andy, some teenagers threw potatoes at a painting that was covered by glass that wasn't damaged at all.

And now I say f the environment.

If you cannot damage artwork, then that that is a disgrace, and I am in favour of fossil fuels now.

That was

some satire there

to sections of the press's reaction to

very interesting and successful protest action.

Yes, well, this is China Boss 11.

Xi Jinping is

tightening his grip on supreme power in the now traditional cosplay communist way.

Like his very near namesake, Jesus Christ, Xi Jinping doesn't seem that keen on letting any of his disciples get the headlines ahead of him.

Yeah, and he has a similar capacity for miracles when you think about it.

And Jesus could turn things into other things, couldn't he?

Water into wine.

Guilty into innocent in many people's eyes.

Xi Jinping can turn an artist into a prisoner.

He can turn ethnic cleansing into a harmless public education project just by pretending it's not ethnic cleansing.

So he's got a different vibe to Jesus and his everyone get hammered stick.

But

the world is essentially, I think, quietly shitting itself about Xi Jinping and his power grab and the potential invasion of Taiwan.

I have a feeling if you're listening to this on a Huawei phone, it'll be about 25 minutes shorter.

I don't know if you're listening on any other phone.

His ascent to power is remarkable because did you read about his dad?

His dad was in the Communist Party and he was ostracized from the bosom of the Communist Party and sent hundreds of miles away to manage a tractor factory.

And that was when a politician looking at tractors was a punishment and not the aphrodisiac that certain Tory MPs have turned it into.

And then he fought his way back to power through various machinations.

But people are scared about Taiwan, but I read a foreign policy expert say that maybe they won't go into Taiwan.

They'll go into Far East Russia.

Yes, this is the thing because

I wrote it down.

They said that, so the West doesn't care about it, but that really the Russian army won't be able to resist at that point.

And the population density is two people per square kilometre.

So there's nobody basically there.

The next person is so far away.

Like, if you're in a neighbourhood watch, you have to have an eagle.

That's the only way it works.

And then if you get, then there'll be Arctic China, then you get polar China, and if you have polar China, Communist Santa.

And nobody wants Communist Santa.

But

if you invade somewhere and no one's there to see it,

have you conquered it?

Alice, I mean, Australia obviously is very well prepared for the rising threat of China by ordering some submarines that might be ready in 25 years.

So

you're safe there.

I mean,

is this power grab being big news in Australia?

Andy, it is not worrying us at all.

We have a very sound military strategy.

Our military strategy, if we are ever invaded by our big neighbour upstairs, is

wait until the Americans arrive.

That's our plan.

That's our

plan.

Yeah, Xi Jinping is purging dissidents like a teenage girl who's worried that this differing opinion makes her ass look big.

Some are now questioning whether there's anyone left in the party who could stop him making a rash move.

a rash move like destroying all his enemies for example and Professor Steve Tsang the director of the SOAS China Institute said the risk of one man making a bad judgment and starting a war is always greater than a group of them doing so which proves that he's never met a man

Andy I don't know if you know about men but they are desperately irrational and hormonal and cannot be trusted every

bad decision in history was made by boners and spitefulness

if people don't think men are hormonal go wait outside a pub on a Saturday night for two men to come out and have a fight about something that neither of them cares about.

No one ever gets three punches into that fight and is like, hmm, good point, my good man.

Rationally made.

I like to go to men having fights in the street and go, bit hormonal, are we?

A little bit testerical.

See, Boners and Spite was the name of John Oliver in my double act when we started out.

It was unusual that Boners and Spite referred to you twice, though, wasn't it?

There you go.

I do hope you enjoyed it.

Our next show will feature our final 15th anniversary tour show in Dublin on the 3rd of November.

For more from our guests on this week's Tribugle, find Helen on her wonderful Illusionist podcast.

Alice, you can find within the Bugle Stable on the Gargle and in various forms outside the Bugle Stable too.

Nato Green's website is natogreen.com and Neil has a podcast called Why Would You Tell Me That?

in which he and Dave Moore talk to the most interesting experts about the most interesting things, such as the fact that bats don't get old, or General Franco might have rigged Eurovision, apparently.

That's available wherever you get your podcasts, and Nish is just generally floating around the internet.

Also, don't forget my Satirist for Hire bonus extra tour dates, 13th to the 18th of November, in Leeds, Bath, Brighton, Tunbridge Wells, Cardiff, and Worcester details on my not-very good website andisaltsman.co.uk.

Until next week, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.