Boris Breaks The News Cycle (4244)

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4244 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

I am Andy Zoltzmann and what you're about to hear is from the second of our Bugle 15th anniversary live bugle live shows at London's Leicester Square Theatre.

The show was performed on Saturday the 22nd of October and in what is now the standard style for all British topical comedy shows, it has become partially out of date before it could even be blasted into your ears.

Since we recorded, Britain was rocked by the astonishing news that Boris Johnson would not be running to re-become Prime Minister, thus breaking a long run of this country doing the thing most absolutely damaging to itself politically.

Johnson claimed he had enough supporters to run for the leadership.

A hundred were needed under the hastily invented rules for picking a prime minister that the Conservative Party plucked out of its fundament this time.

But Johnson also added that he would not be doing so essentially for the good of the country.

Obviously, pretty much everyone called bullshit on part one, they claimed that he had a hundred baggers because, well, just because.

Then everyone called, for f's sake, mate, how can you even claim that the good of the country has ever been a factor in your political career without a one or more of giggling, cackling and melting on part two?

So, sections of this show were still labouring under the assumption that the Tory Titanic would have another go at mating with the iceberg, which, small mercifully, will now not be happening.

But not only might part of the main show be out of date, but now there's also a possibility that this explanation of why the main show is out of date will also itself be out of date.

Because by the time you hear this, it's looking likely that we'll have a new Prime Minister.

So, essentially, just look on this show as a kind of history lesson more than anything else.

Anyway, we pick up the action at the Leicester Square Theatre in the third over of the day, and a section of the bugle is about to go straight.

It's It's going where?

This is how cults begin, isn't it?

You know, there's a.

If you reach under your seat, there's a special coloured.

Anyway,

in the bin this week, we have some audio emojis.

Emojis are very visual things, and I think that's unfair for people who live in the audio medium, such as bugle listeners.

So we have some special new audio emojis to to help you express your emotions about the world these include ah

ee eee for our Tory listeners bah

and for any listeners who want to put an audio emoji on the end of a message to one of their children whoops

We also have a special supplement in the bin for our UK-based listeners, including I guess everyone in this room.

And that section is good reasons why there should not be a general election immediately.

And here's a list of those reasons.

Some of the pencils are broken.

That section in the bin.

Now, it's time to meet our guests for this 15th anniversary bugle.

Now, to mark this podcast having existed for 1.5% of the third millennium, a millennium which, of course, is in the running to be the least shit millennium for women in living memory.

We have the most thoroughly X-chromosoned bugle in history.

Yes, after 293 episodes in which this podcast was, as God intended, two Oxbridge educated white men banging on about shit,

we had to fucking change because of the fucking woke.

So since then, people like me and Chris and

John, that's why he had to go.

Because of the woke.

We've been increasingly marginalised.

When will people like me be allowed to have a voice?

Anyway,

thanks to Cancel Culture having forced John Oliver off the show.

We now have not one, not two, but three female guests for the first time on the bugle.

Two of them in this room.

Please welcome qualified virologist Rhea Lena and unqualified virologist Tiffany Stevenson.

Welcome.

Hello.

Hi.

Welcome to the Bugle

15th Anniversary Live.

Extravagant.

How are you both?

Good.

I was late here, came through the crowd.

Hi, everyone.

Got stopped, and I went, I'm just sneaking through because I'm on the show.

The woman went, no, you've got to get in the queue.

And I went,

no, I'm on the show.

And she was like, oh, shit.

And what I did, I just literally climbed over the barrier and almost got necked back and be like, what do you think you're doing?

I'm like, I'm allowed.

Now it's 2022.

Women are allowed to be funny on stage.

So 2007 is when this podcast began.

Can you remember what you were doing in the year 2007, before the universe was brought to life by this podcast?

Is this pre- or post-watershed?

Does the people have a watershed?

I mean, the thing with a podcast is it's kind of

hard to monitor when people are doing it.

It depends what time of day the listener's listening to this.

so have a guess you're gonna have to edit together like a you know a twilight and a dusk version of these stories it's just

explicit or non-explicit that's the question what were you doing we were 15 you obviously have lewd sex so um no uh

for the whole year

um 15th so 15 i i know that you're so 2007 i had just met um Scottish boyfriend Explains a Heng,

who is now Scottish husband, complains a thing.

So there's been a real transfer there.

We got married to, well, you guys were there.

You were all there.

You're all there.

And yeah, 15 years, and we finally decided no one better was coming along.

So

it's very excited to be a middle-aged bride doing a word all down the aisle.

So in 2007, we just met.

And I'd pretty much just started.

I've maybe been six months into comedy, I think, then.

Around that time, I'd just started.

so 15 years ago 15 I'm trying to think for like the bugle it's a special time because you're technically too old for a prince

but you've got a good 10 years if you want to get it on with Leonardo DiCaprio so it's a good place to be it's a good place to be I mean I wasn't I wasn't actually having the sex I was having the result of the sex I was I was borning a baby you know seven yeah let that be a lesson to all of you

and then that was so traumatic I decided to go and like investigate fraud at the Serious Fraud Office.

So, I was doing that.

Yeah, it was fraudulent.

That baby was fraudulent.

And

it's fine.

I returned it.

You keep the receipt, you return it.

So, you worked at the Serious Fraud Office.

I mean, the Serious Fraud Office is now just any office in the country, isn't it?

Well, it depends how many Tory MPs have their first job there.

Also, joining us today through the magic of technology.

And bear in in mind how technology has changed in the 15 years we've been doing the Bugle.

The first episode of The Bugle with me in London and John in New York required two yogurt pots and a length of string.

It was about 5,000 miles

across the Atlantic.

And in fact,

it was about the first hundred episodes, wasn't it, when Tom, Chris's predecessor,

was in charge, they were all recorded on a typewriter.

But things have changed now, and it's using the magic of the internet.

we are now able to bring you a guest from basically as far away as it's possible to get on this planet without being in either New Zealand or space.

Joining us from Brisbane, Australia, it's Alice Fraser.

Hey,

hello, everybody.

I cannot see you or hear you, so I'm going to assume that you find everything I say funny.

Can you?

Is is the camera working, Alice?

Can you see me?

No, I can't see you.

I can see two versions of myself holding my head like I'm trying to psychically.

Oh, yeah, I can see you now.

Excellent.

You can see the crowd.

They're delightful.

They're not very well lit.

I can see there they are.

When I said you, I meant the crowd.

I can't see them or hear them.

I can't see you, but I can hear you.

And together, the maths of that will work out somehow.

Alice, what were you doing in 2007 when the bugle was born?

In 2007, I was at university being extremely figuring myself out in the most embarrassing and uncool ways you could possibly imagine.

Could they be more embarrassing and uncool than when I was at university, which I spent basically face down reading about cricket statistics?

Unaware that was something I would at some point monetise.

You're now retrospectively encooled by doing that.

Right, I think we are.

Oh, actually, well, we haven't asked what you, the audience, were doing.

What were you doing in 2007?

Fingering, did anyone say fingering?

No, but that guy said getting married, so he stopped fingering in 2007.

Anyway, it's now time for top story this week.

And if you listened to last week's Bugle recorded here live at the Leicester Square Theatre, last week's top story was Britain is f ⁇ ing fed.

Well, we have an exciting follow-up for you this week because Britain.

This week, top story is, Britain is even fing more fing fed than it was a f ⁇ ing week ago.

Chris,

you were supposed to bleep them out.

It depends what time of day they listen to it.

Oh, okay.

It has been one of those weeks.

Well, I don't know if any of you listen to you listen to the Radio 4 News.

It's one of those weeks that's really emphasised why they always bleep out the first six words of the news bulletins.

It's

and just a warning, the next section of this show,

just a health warning for anyone listening, either in this room or listening at home, this section may ruin your appetite, make it impossible for you to look your children in the eye, give you profound feelings of nausea, and make you want to go to the cenotaph and spray paint, we're f ⁇ ing sorry that you died for this shit.

We're all over it.

Because this week we have seen the next phase in the long, slow devastation of the soul of the United Kingdom at the hands of the Tory Party.

We had Liz Truss last week taking on a lettuce to see who could last longer.

The lettuce won.

The lettuce won.

Leafs down.

And now...

And now it looks like we could be set for another classic prime ministerial showdown, Boris Johnson versus a steaming bucket of shit.

Now this is...

This would not be, and I don't know if he's going to become

just automatically assume the worst, but that will be not a contest to see which can last longer, like Truss versus the Lettuce.

But Boris Johnson versus a steaming bucket of shit would be a contest to see who could be more like a steaming bucket of shit.

And

put it this way, the bucket of shit is going to have to seriously raise its game.

So,

Tiff,

I mean, how could you?

Can you put that picture back up, please, Chris?

No, of Liz.

Come on, at least appreciate those Claire's accessories earrings she's got on there,

which is really what won the people over in the end.

Didn't you see the lectern as well?

The lectern was kind of, I don't know if you, it was kind of twisted.

But if you see Boris Johnson, when he resigned just a few months ago,

it was straight.

So the power of conservative

has made wood be.

44 days.

I'll tell you what, Theresa May must feel like the Duracell bunny right now.

She is absolutely loving it.

Like, she came in, took out the economy, and the queen.

Let's just say it.

And the Toy Potter and her own career.

I mean, it was incredible.

I think it, well, it was the mini, the mini budget sort of tipped it over the edge, didn't it?

And I do want to mention the economy because I'm very concerned about it at the moment.

The economy is sort of like me in my 20s in that there's a lot of interest

Dropping pounds like crazy,

often in negative credit, always going down when you don't want it to,

and occasionally being destroyed by a public schoolboy.

So

family show, Alice, she's got him before you.

I made some bad choices in my 20s.

That's all I'm saying.

Give me a cheer if you would like Boris Johnson back as your Prime Minister.

Look, putting Boris Johnson back in as Prime Minister would be like trying to eat your own poo with your own bottom.

And like if it was a really upsetting poo to begin with, like not even a good poo.

Just getting rid of it wasn't even satisfying.

You were so glad it was gone.

The trauma of removal was erased by the bliss of the flush.

And now you're trying to

re-engage.

I'm wondering how the fraction of a percent of people who voted truss in are feeling, the 81,000 plus people who voted truss in,

how they feel right now.

Because she's not to blame.

I don't think she's to blame at all.

She showed her skill set.

They're the ones who hired a crocodile to do the laundry

because of her patented death roll.

They can't be pissed at her that their pants are covered in mud.

from all the violent thrashing in the shallows.

I thought they were covered in mud from all those pork markets that she

it's not mud they're trying to eat their own poo with their own bottoms

I'm sure there's a website for it somewhere what disappoints me is the mixed messages you know I you know Suella Braverman just quit because she was unhappy with you know our stats on migration she's like we're not paying attention to our migration we don't want any more people coming in I said the economy's tanked no one else is coming in I think your job is done well done go quit

but it's it's confusing it's really confusing because here we are as a Tory party the Tory party is not wanting people to come in anymore and yet we're allowing some guy that lives off the state to fly all the way back from the Caribbean with his family that, as far as I can tell, don't contribute anything at all.

Um and he's allowed in, so what the f?

I mean

it's uh

it has been um

I mean just going back back on the timeline since the last bugle and essentially we left you with the Prime Minister desperately clinging to power like a bonsai polar bear clinging to the last ice cube in a mug of hot chocolate.

And in the end, well, she was known as the human hand grenade, as was her nickname as a politician, and she was left alone shouting, which two bits of this thing was I supposed to throw

and which

of the two bits was I supposed to keep hold of.

And we learned it was impossible to turn that round.

As the old saying goes, it's very hard to restart a drowned donkey on a sinking ship.

She tried to fight back.

She said Prime Minister's questions on Wednesday, incorrectly as it transpired, I'm a fighter, not a quitter.

It turned out

she was, well, I mean, she was one of those.

So, you know, that's just unlucky.

Fucking heads or tails.

She was so far out of her depth from day one that all the fish she could see were creepy ones.

And then she put one in charge of the NHS.

You are good.

You just got to unkeep.

You know, can I just say, I do want to defend this.

This is the one person I think we should keep.

No, I do.

I think we should keep, this is the one person I think should stay in cabinet after we change whatever else we're changing.

Because, I mean, and if you don't know, we're looking at a picture of Therese Kofi, who is now our health secretary in charge of the NHS.

She's a Roman Catholic.

She's an anti-abortionist.

She gets shit for eating, drinking, and smoking too much.

But hey, her body, her choice.

But I argue if there's anyone that you want in charge of the NHS, it's someone who clearly needs the NHS.

On top of which, I hear COVID's coming back, and we know who's most at risk from COVID.

It's someone much like Teresa Kofi.

She can be our COVID canary if she drops down.

We know it's back.

So that's my argument.

I can fight it with cigars.

It's what I don't understand is how Boris could because they're saying just today he's returned because his camp claimed that he has a hundred votes and the journalists are sceptical because they only know of about fifty but as you know Boris is never knowingly undersold like a shit John Lewis

but I this is how I I see it like Boris is basically shagged us dry up the proverbial and this is the political equivalent of a reach around

making out he's doing us a favour do you know what I mean?

Like, that's what it feels like.

No, but I am going to give you a reach around.

I've returned from holly bobs with Kaz for leadership, too, more leadery.

Yeah, and he flew back in economy, all right?

Just because your plane didn't crash doesn't mean you are now equipped to deal with our shitty economy, right?

It's not enough, um, but yeah, he's got he's back in the league.

But how I don't understand technically how this works because what about all the Tories that quit?

Because remember the first time around, they were like, we can't, in good consciousness, yes, have Boris there, and like Tories were just like fleeing.

I've not seen posh people move that far fast since the Titanic hit the berg, right?

They were just like literally escape hatch.

So, how does that even work now?

Oh, well, I think what might have happened is that they have all been drinking a memory-erasing drug that has made them forget that the shit show that we're in.

And it is essentially a shit show to which we've all been invited here in the UK.

It's not just a shit show, it's also a lock-in.

So it's a kind of lock-in shit show that involves a 360-degree shit cannon, just blasting shit.

Which is just not the kind of shit show you.

I don't know what kind of shit show you do want to see, but it's sort of like a horror film, but one where you've been locked in the cinema after trying to leave, saying this film is unbelievably bad, and then they show you a cross between Smurf's 2

The Love Guru and a shallow fake erotic movie involving Margaret Thatcher and Wilton Friedman in in a Daily Mail-sponsored f dungeon.

That is essentially

the situation the Tories are in, even contemplating Johnson, is like

sort of like Thelma going on a speed dating app after kicking Louise out of the car just after it's gone over the edge of the cliff.

That is the situation we're in.

But it is quite amazing, isn't it?

I mean essentially, so his odds dropped from about 18 to 1 to 3 to 1 in in minutes after Truss resigned.

And it did suggest that the Conservatives were thinking, well, should we be led by someone massively dishonest, completely untrustworthy, who'd sunk to startling levels of record unpopularity, who was found to have broken the law and had lost the trust and confidence not only of the people of Britain, but of our selves, and then think that's probably the best we've got.

So

I guess when you're in the fire, the frying pan takes on an unexpected veneer of nostalgia.

Well,

I feel like if you bring back Boris Johnson, if they genuinely re-embrace Boris Johnson, I will be doing some heavy victim blaming.

Like, have you no self-esteem?

Have some ambition.

If you cannot imagine anyone better than Boris running from the country, I highly recommend you go around and turn some rocks over.

See what wriggling grublets are underneath and ask them if they see pensioners as disposable.

One of my favourite things is watching both the Truss and the Boris Johnson government collapse and really seeing how the Tories deal with the collapse of their government.

It's like they're all stabbing each other in the back like Julius Caesar, but they're all wearing Julius Caesar masks and some of them are stabbing themselves going, it's me, Brute!

Is it too much to ask for someone who isn't a craven sort of careerist shag about with two-play bogroll for morals?

I think

it does look like it is too much.

It's too much.

I don't understand.

Why aren't they...

I do and I don't understand why we're not asking for a general election.

Why the Tories don't want to have a general election?

Because on the Twokies don't vote for Christmas, right?

They know, right?

That's the saying.

Yeah,

however, what they've already done is created a situation where energy bills are going to be so high that most of their voting population over the age of 60 is going to die this winter because they can't afford to heat their homes.

If they don't have a general election now, there will be nobody left alive in two years from now that would ever vote for them.

Well, actually,

I don't think the heating crisis is going to be that bad because I'm in my 40s now, so I'm sort of entering the perimenopause.

So I'm kicking off a lot of heat, so that's my solution.

I'm enjoying it, if I'm honest.

Yeah, I think we just start deploying perimenopause or women around the UK.

I think

perimenopause has he's just come out for Boris Johnson, in fact.

I thought perimenopause was the middle one at Nando's.

It is.

It is.

I don't get how hot is it?

Night sweats.

It varies wildly.

Everyone's speculating now about who the next leader is going to be, whether it's going to be Boris or one of the other ones.

But I just have to say, I am not interested at all.

Like, I would be more interested in the successor if it weren't just an interchangeable player-select screen of frothing neo-libertarian elites from the same school with a weird religion about how great selfish individualism is for human progress and their disproportionate influence over politics.

I just.

So it's not really flying in Brisbane, Alice.

That's what you're saying.

I mean, it has been.

We're just thinking about

the fracking vote, sort of,

that was the catalyst for the final collapse of

trust, albeit it was a day, which was quite a high percentage of her time as

as Prime Minister.

The fracking vote

which then led to a fight essentially in Parliament, there were allegations that there was jostling, there was manhandling and there was mogsplaining, or possibly

because fundamentally we have a parliament where they still vote by having to physically walk into

the ancient Greeks had more sophisticated means of voting two and a half thousand f ⁇ ing years ago.

For f' sake, just buy a pot and throw it at each other.

Now, um

but anyway, this this fracking vote, uh, it soothed the troubled Tory waters like a break-dancing hippopotamus in a paddling pool.

And

so we had that bizarre thing.

Was it a fracking vote?

Was it a

confidence vote?

It became not a confidence vote and then a confidence vote again at 1.30 in the morning.

And

yeah, well I guess language changes, isn't it?

Confidence votes, vote on fracking doesn't really mean that anymore in the same way that the word conservative not long ago did not mean taking a chainsaw to a priceless Ming vase whilst urinating on the ashes of a much lamented relative.

But um but I guess the Conservatives are now conservative in the way that the Visigoths were conservative when they got to Rome.

So

so I mean who would you like to see next?

If I mean uh if if you can if you could choose anyone from not necessarily within the Tory party but anyone from the entire universe, who would you like?

Anton Deck.

Right.

Dream tickets.

They seem very popular.

I mean they've won twenty one NTAs in a row.

Somebody likes it.

I mean, what harm are they going to do?

That is a dangerous question to ask these days.

The what could possibly go wrong question, generally the answer is fucking everything.

Tiff, anyone, any suggestions for?

Stevie Nicks?

Stevie Nicks?

Yeah, you've got to have done a shit ton of coke to be in the Tory party in the first place.

So I just feel like she's got the necessary experience.

Also, we could use some of the witchcraft to actually fix some

legislation.

So I feel like, plus, you know, if all else goes to shit, we'll just have some nice singing at the end.

That's who I'd pick, yeah.

Maybe all of Fleetwood Mac, because they're not together now.

But I would,

you know, I would

force them back together.

I would go the

jostling.

Some jostling, some mock splaining.

Some mock explaining.

Yeah.

Did anyone do that?

One of my favourite songs of theirs, Mog splinning.

Mogsplaining.

But that was in the Peter Green Blues phase of Flipping that though.

Did anyone do any splotting?

I've just learnt about splotting.

Apparently.

What?

Splotting, yeah.

It's where a dog goes along the floor on its belly and it does it to get attention.

So I am pulling that out in the clubs this weekend.

And by clubs, I mean my living room.

Just me splotting on the floor,

harassing Scottish husband.

Alex.

Hello.

Anyone you could send us from the southern hemisphere to sort shit out over here?

Look, I will send you the bloated corpse of Harold Holt if you like.

That is a niche reference.

Very niche reference.

I just think, I think one of the saddest things for me about Liz Truss's demise was that we sort of lost in the news the story about Wendy Morton being the chief whip or not being the chief whip.

There was a kind of an existential crisis about what a whip was,

whether the chief whip is something that you can kind of self-identify as, or if you need to whip with the consent of the whipped,

or the Tories just feel that the role of the whip is redundant as they're too busy whipping themselves harder than the wet-palmed anti-sex villain in a medieval fantasy TV show.

Just

I feel sad that we lost focus on that and started focusing on the complete collapse of the Tory Party instead.

Chris, anyone you'd like to suggest for Prime Minister?

Marcus Triskothik.

Right.

So we've had

a very fine left-handed opening batsman.

We've had the corpse of an Australian Prime Minister who disappeared while swimming.

We've had

Stevie Nicks.

Who was your suggestion, Rhea?

Anton Deck.

Anton Deck.

All of whom

I would rather have any of them than

the...

I might declare my can I declare myself Prime Minister?

Because we...

the

I'm gonna cut taxes for high earners

but you know it just happens when you get in power your perspective changes

Andy now that you're in power I have to tender my resignation

could you tell us what benefits you're gonna cut and will it include friends with benefits

will it be no booty calls after midnight because I've got

well that's something that I've rigorously applied through my own life so it would be a.

Rumours are reaching us that backbenchers are rallying around a sock puppet of 19th-century Tory Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli as a possible unity candidate.

A dream ticket of the former American tennis stars John McEnroe and Martina Navaratilova have not been entirely ruled out, although they will have to commentate on next summer's Wimbledon, so it's only a short-term fix.

And the daily star's Lettis could step into the breach until mid-November when the hardier winter vegetables are in season and a bucket of parsnips can see us through to the spring.

So,

um, oh, I'll tell you what would be good: a butternut squash that can outlast anyone.

I literally don't know the point.

I buy a butternut squash and I think I'm going to use it for a recipe, and then I basically gain a renter

that just sits in my kitchen and doesn't go off for like six to seven months.

And eventually, I'm like, I need to let this, I need to set it free.

I need to set the butternut squash squash free.

So, butternut squash, can I change from Stevie Nicks to a butternut squash?

Yeah, okay.

We're making this country better as we speak.

And it's as hollow as what we've had so far.

So it's a good choice.

But it does all make you think.

You think back to that 2015 election that I think I might have touched on last week, the Conservatives warning, offering strong and stable government or chaos with Ed Miliband.

And you just think, look at the state we're in now.

And imagine how much worse it would have been if Ed Miliband had won

terrible we should count on lucky stars he's got such a good sense of humour as well like I I did a podcast with him and I was like you know I wrote I tweeted a joke about you I wrote a joke about you for a thing and he was like go on then tell me what is it and I said I said

you always look like you've seen boobs for the first time ever

And he really laughed.

He like took it really well and I was like, yeah, it should have been him.

Should have been.

And just think how much sooner, with his love of bacon sandwiches, we could have had that pork market in Beijing.

Anyway, well, good luck to Liz Truss and whatever new job she finds.

She's retiring, aren't we paying her £115,000 a year

to stay out of the way?

She's a lot of Claire's accessories, earrings.

So £115,000 a year.

And also, she gets to do resignation honours because this country is corrupt to its very core.

This is one of the bizarre things.

I've all been talking about Boris Johnson's resignation honours and essentially it so they can you know they'll give out you know MBs, OBs, but also seats in the House of Lords, so actual seats in a legislative chamber.

So we have managed to legalize naked corruption and bake it into the heart of our system.

But they've also got a new thing where departing prime ministers are allowed to bequeath some lies about themselves to the history books.

So we have to remember not only what did happen, but also some things that didn't.

And I can confirm that Liz Truss was the first Prime Minister to have rescued a cat from up a tree using only the power of the mind.

She was also the first Prime Minister to have encountered alien life, which might explain the haunted look.

So I'm pretty sure Stanley Balden.

Stanley Balden have a bit of an incident.

That's why he went a bit quiet in the late 30s.

And

also the first Prime Minister to have slain a dragon with their bare hands.

So

it's not a bit all bad.

Isn't Boris giving one to his dad and his sister?

You could have to explain that, Tiffany.

And

I mean, you wouldn't put...

You'd never put anything past the man, would you?

He's giving him a good honouring.

You should bear in mind that we could have Penny Mordant,

who

sounds like a Victorian bookstore that sells murder novellas.

Just popping into Penny Morden for my weekly copy of Urchins Unsolved,

which is about how many kids Boris has actually.

Give us a free!

I tell you what we'll do now.

We're going to just slightly change the running order a bit now.

We're going to delve into the bugle past and

dig up a much-beloved section of the bugle.

Welcome back to Hotties from History!

Now,

this was something that was a feature of the early years of the bug.

Who remembers it from when it was first?

Quite a few long-term bugles.

Do you put your hand up there?

Do you have a particular favourite?

Are you here with your...

Is this a partner, boyfriend?

Right.

Don't tell him, but tell the rest of us

who from history do you fancy most.

The qualification you've got to be dead for at least 100 years.

Florence Nightingale as well.

Oh, good God, yeah.

Rhea, do you have a particular hottie from history you'd like to?

Yeah,

I went with Prince Albert.

Prince Albert?

The Saxe Coburg one, not the

grandson.

Son.

Yeah, that one.

Yes.

Right, absolutely.

He was dishy.

He was dishy.

He was smart.

He's one of the reasons we treat our children better in this country, is he came over and went, we should treat them well.

And then all nine of his children lived to adulthood because he didn't beat them

he did some amazing things he was into free trade if you're Tori he was into that you know he was into a lot of things he he improved education he you know he I mean he and they were in love I mean they fucked at least nine times yeah

and he has a ring through his dick that's not easy for the

For the time that was considered very very out there to be actually to like your spouse

to tolerate your children that was it was definitely a ride right because she when he died, she just wore a black.

I don't know who went on top, but yeah.

Yeah, like, but she wore black forever, didn't she?

Did she in mourning?

She was mad in love with him.

She was mad for that cock.

Yeah.

And

but do you know the actually the it's interesting you mentioned that because the the origin of bunting, do you know the origin of bunting and the little triangular flags?

Yeah.

So that actually goes back to their wedding night.

So they got

they got married in, I think it was 1840.

And there were huge public celebrations, obviously.

And

then the huge crowd gathered outside Buckingham Palace and then the next morning they you know obviously they were very much in love and it became quite passionate and during the course of the deed

she'd have this special Union Jack bra and panties made and he he had a Union Jack posing pouch and they got kind of thrown off and they caught on the the curtain rail in Buckingham Palace and then people looked up the following morning and they saw these

these little triangles of fabric and they thought, oh this is how we're supposed to commemorate great royals at royal events and then we're just making lucky that

people weren't gathered on the other side and saw the other window.

Otherwise, these days we'd be hanging up gimp masks, whips, and a roast chicken.

Fact, a bit of history.

We can learn.

Tiff, who's your hotty from history?

Vlad the Impaler.

Right, I hope this is more than just.

Similar reasons.

That is...

No, come on, look at that Tash.

You've got to respect that.

He's got a soul patch.

He's got a little...

Is that a soul patch?

I don't even know.

Actually, it's not pointy enough.

Listen, he was Romania's salt bay.

And I say that because one of his forms of torture was flaying the skin off people's feet, sprinkling salt on them, and then getting goats to lick it off.

Which is...

Hot.

Mixed messages.

Listen, if Heston Blumenthal came up with that shit, You'd all be going to that restaurant.

I feel like he was very misunderstood, you you know.

I feel he was.

I feel like he couldn't see the wood for the forest of people impaled on steaks.

He was undoubtedly a very cruel man, but he's a hero in Romania.

And yeah, I reckon he just looks a bit filth.

And

for that reason, you know,

I just felt it.

I feel a connection.

He was called Vlad the Impaler because he actually impaled people on steaks?

Yes, yeah.

No, not just because he was like hot in the sack, which was my original.

That's what I assumed, yeah.

Like,

get him round, like

bored housewives in Romania, and they were like,

he's not doing it.

But I'm being impaled on Thursday, and I can't wait.

Well, apparently, he liked to dry impale.

Oh, probably.

No, by which,

when he was torturing people on the I've read a lot about this.

Weird thing to know about, but apparently he refused to like lube the steaks or oil them to aid people to slide down them.

So they basically died in the most painful manner possible.

And the legend of Dracula, which is supposed to be based on Vlad,

is because apparently,

now again, I don't know if this is according to legend that he would, as the blood would drip off, they would collect it and he would sit there with his feet up and just like dip bread in a bowl of blood and eat it, watching while his enemies slowly, slowly vanquished.

And that was, I think that that was in a Home Office white paper proposed by Suella Bravman last week as well.

Alice, have you got a hottie from history?

Ah, yeah.

I'm going to go with La Maupin or Julie Dauvigny, who was a 17th-century opera singer.

She basically was the daughter of

the secretary to the master of horse.

She learned sword fighting and then just spent her entire career fighting people with a sword, running away with people, having affairs.

She once fought three noblemen in one night because she smooched a lady at a ball.

She broke a nun out of a convent by putting the dead body of a nun into the girl's room and burning the room down.

Went on the road with this girl for like three months who was just like, oh, this is too much, and went home to her family.

She sang in the opera, she wore men's clothes, she was banging,

and she eventually

died after about 14 affairs and 30 duels at the age of 33.

So I feel like she packed a lot into a very short life, and I feel like that's hot.

Super hot.

We need to have a new club.

We need to have, you know, there's the 27 club.

We need to have the 33 club, because it's this lady and Jesus.

And they both, they achieved a lot.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, she had so many fun affairs as well.

Like, there was one guy, she met this Comte d'Albert, who mistook her for a man.

They had a duel.

She beat him and then she nursed him back to health and they had an affair.

Did they have an affair before or after he found out she wasn't a man?

I don't know.

Presumably,

he found out at some point while she was nursing him back to health because she would have done the classic nursing back to health move of putting a boob on your head.

If none of you have ever tried this,

if any of you have boobs, may I highly recommend going up to somebody who won't be offended by it and just gently resting a boob on their head.

Very nurturing.

Sports news now.

Alice, you are our rat fighting correspondent.

Some exciting news in the rat fighting circuit.

Yes, Andy, inside everyone there are two wolves: the wolf that wants the wolf that wants New York to sort out their rat problem and the wolf that wants rats to take over, as was foretold in legend, New York Rat King.

New York is limiting the window for residents to take out their garbage into the nighttime because if you've ever been to New York, you'll know that one of its great features other than

the Empire State Building is the massive piles of garbage in the street everywhere.

Apparently that is attracting rats weirdly and they have decided to make a rule that you're only allowed to take it out in the dead of night with the shame that is appropriate to your own filthy habits.

The

Mayor, Eric Adams, said at a press conference on Monday that some residents will be able to take their garbage out at 6 p.m.

if they can place the bags in large sealed containers, but otherwise it's after 8 p.m.

only.

Night garbage, which is Batman's new sidekick.

Isn't there a danger that this will lead to the same amount of rats action, but just drunker rats if they're getting a hold of the rubbish after an

afternoon drinking to kill the time?

Yeah, I didn't know.

Well, I've had a schedule, but maybe they decide when they listen to their podcasts.

Well,

they drink quite early, which causes swelling in their haunches, hence the term rat off.

That's an

etymology.

My favourite

quote from this whole story is from the New York City Department of Sanitation Commissioner, Jessica Tisch, who said, New Yorkers will not have to fear as many rats hiding in late-night shadows,

which

just sounds appropriately dramatic.

She also said, the rats don't run the city, we do.

Which shows

if proof were needed.

Proof were needed, that it's pretty much to say anything, impossible to say anything in New York City without sounding like you're in a film.

I don't think anyone living outside of New York is going to feel sympathy for this story because everyone else gets to put their rubbish out once every two weeks and they're like, oh no, you have to put it out two hours later on a daily basis, you poor thing.

Thank you all for coming.

Thank you for helping to celebrate the Bugles' 15th birthday.

Thanks.

Thanks to Rhea and Tiff.

And

at a ridiculous hour of the morning in Brisbane, Alice Fraser.

Thanks to Chris and thank you all for your support and ears over the years.

Goodbye.

There you go.

Don't forget to pick up any remaining tickets for our live tour shows in Birmingham on the 27th of October, Glasgow on the 30th and Dublin on the 3rd of November.

Also, my Satris for High Shows in mid-November are on sale also on the internet, would you believe, from the 13th to the 18th of November in Leeds, Bath, Brighton, Tumridge Wells, Cardiff and Worcester.

And if you are coming, please do submit your advanced requests for satirization to satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

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