Bugle 4123 - 7 days of Transatlantic Madness

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4123 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world on this the 27th of September 2019.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann, again and still you can't change me and I'm here in London, the renowned city whose name of course derives from the ancient old Brythonic language term from the pre-Roman times which roughly translates as place where people shout at each other for no discernible purpose.

Joining me in the capital of this disputatious nation, welcome back to Nish Kumar.

Hello Andy, hello buglers.

I'm back.

Yes.

I haven't bugled since the summer.

I've got blue balls.

I've got bugle balls.

Family shit.

I'm straight in with that.

Andy, I don't get the opportunity to praise you often enough.

Let me rephrase that.

I frequently get the opportunity.

I rarely take the opportunity to praise you.

But I have to say, especially your capacity for pun runs, but I have to say, I'm in the middle of a series of a television show that I present called The MASH Report in the UK.

And we got a negative review in the Sun newspaper, which is not particularly surprising, as the Sun newspaper has historically not reviewed my race well.

And they decided to lead off their negative review with a headline that said, Not MASH Point in Show with no sense of Kumar.

Now, even in comparison to some of the, and I use this word entirely accurately, atrocities you have committed on this podcast, that as a play on words is absolute horseshit.

Do they think that my name is Nish Humour?

That's that's strong work to slam someone with a pun

pretty much the logical end point of

my career.

Satire and punnery.

Joining us from the other side of the Atlantic, an ocean which is being besieged by political lunacy.

Welcome back to a man who also appeared on a live bugle show earlier in the year in New York itself, Josh Gondelman.

Hello, thank you for having me.

Here I am in the home of UNGA.

Which is both the United Nations General Assembly and the noise I make when I read about it

Has it been a has everyone been sort of excited about the UN being in town, Josh?

Oh, General Assembly fever has struck New York, or it's just people sick from eating dollar pizza.

I can't tell.

Such a fine line medically, isn't it?

Yeah, the symptoms are largely the same.

You just start naming countries that are present.

You just go, oh, Italy.

It's been a wild week.

We are recording on the 27th of September.

There are no anniversaries this week.

None at all.

Absolutely none because history has restarted this week, according to some newspapers.

As always, however, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week, a section on new podcasts that is going in the bin.

We review some of the hot new podcasts in the in-medium of the universe right now in the category of film and politics, the new podcast, What Would James K.

Polk Do?

in which top celebrities speculate on what 1840s U.S.

President James K.

Polk would do were he to find himself in scenarios from famous films.

This week, Nobel Prize-winning physicist David J.

Wineland, former tennis star Michael Shtick, and ex-Norwegian Prime Minister and World Health Organization Director General Gro Holland Brundtland discuss what Polk would have done had he been in Three Men and a Baby, Towering Inferno and Debbie Does Dallas.

The latest food podcast, Skluton Malvain's Slay, Flay, Play, Flambay.

A new whole-process cookery show from the renowned restaurateur Provocatif, which offers instructions on how to hunt down a meal in the wild, butcher and skin it, use it as a family toy to educate your children about how meat works, and then flame cook it in brandy.

Recorded on location in Malvane's hit new New York restaurant, Ififme, which is an acronym for your food, you fing make it, in which diners bring their own ingredients, cook them themselves, and then have the resultant dishes fancily named by Malvaine and his team of reciparians and served on automated trolleys.

The new religion podcast, Answer My Prayer.

This is an absolute smash hit in the making.

A panel of senior clergy from different faiths listen to secretly recorded prayers hacked from top-brand virtual assistants and smart speakers.

The panel, unaware of the faith of the person who's issued the prayer, then discuss whether their respective god or gods would be likely to answer that prayer in question, and if so, how, or whether they'd punish the prayergiver for some aspect of their way of life.

And sports podcast, the backdated World Cup podcast, classic podcast.

This, a panel of football pundits and historians discussed based on global and national economic, social, and political trends at the time.

Who would have won the Football World Cup had it existed before it came into existence in 1930?

This week, the thrilling 1772 World Cup, the 1298 World Cup, and the 407 BC World Cup, which ends in an absolute classic showdown between Greece and Persia.

That is going in the bin.

Top story this week.

Well, we've got a very special top story section this week.

We're going to have a shootout between Britain and America.

Whose country has had the more ridiculous week?

Which national ball of resentment-fueled fury has been the more idiotic over the past seven days?

This has been one of those weeks in which I found myself shielding my children, aged 12 and 10, from television and newspapers for fear of what they might see and making them watch Nightmare on Elm Street instead, just setting them up with the entire series series of saw movies because they'll be slightly less terrifying and have the added bonus of being actually pretend.

Also, harrowingly, it was a week in which the cricket season ended, so there's really no escape from what has been happening.

Representing the UK, Nish Kumar, representing the USA, Josh Gondelman.

Nish, do you want to lay a claim for Britain having had the most ridiculous week?

Well, I mean, I don't even know where to start.

It's the competition that no one wants to win or lose.

On Tuesday morning, the Supreme Court ruled that Boris Johnson's proroguing of Parliament was unlawful.

And so Parliament had to go back in and sit again.

This was also like the deluge of bad news that's been coming out, particularly for our Prime Minister.

And I, you know, I use those words like, as in our Prime Minister at time of recording, who knows what the f has happened now.

But he, it's been a deluge of bad news because over the weekend, there was also a story that broke that suggested that he had provided favours for a, and this is the the euphemism that was constantly being used, close friend.

This close friend was a young woman who the newspapers delightedly reported had a pole dancing pole in her flat.

And listen, obviously, we don't know that there was anything else going on, but with Boris Johnson's history, I mean, the man loves to f.

If there's one thing that Boris Johnson loves to do, it's f, be it women or the country.

The man likes to get his end away.

So, the less said about that, the better.

Anyway, on Tuesday, they ruled that the Parliament was going to be pro-rogued.

And just I'd like to take a moment just to briefly thank the Supreme Court for doing it on Tuesday, which is the day before I record my television show, thus giving us a little bit more time to process the insanity of the week.

Then, while we were actually recording on Wednesday, Boris Johnson appeared in front of Parliament.

And when asked to sort of take down the tone of the rhetoric, because the rhetoric has got out of control in this country during the referendum campaign.

An MP pro-Remain MP Joe Cox was assassinated by a man who later gave his name in the courtroom as being Freedom for Britain.

And Boris Johnson was asked by a couple of female MPs to maybe take down the tone of the rhetoric.

And

there's two easy jobs in being British Prime Minister.

I'm not saying that it's an easy job, it's a difficult job, but there are two things that it is easy to do when you're the Prime Minister of the UK.

One is condemn violence, and the other is to stand outside number 10 Downing Street waving.

And Boris Johnson failed at the first one.

And if we were to translate the extent to which he failed at the first one into the second one, it would result in him attempting to wave and then tripping over backwards, smashing through the door of number 10, taking it off his hinges and squashing Larry the Downing Street cat.

Well, it's quite hard to see.

what he can do next to further debase our political system.

Take a shit on the Queen.

Well, I mean, let's not assume that has not already happened.

I mean, metaphorically, clearly it has happened, and that's essentially what the pro-roguing was.

He went and essentially, I mean, it's not entirely correct to say he bullshitted the Queen or lied to the Queen, but definitely did not necessarily provide the level of service the Queen would like to expect from her Prime Minister.

This is one of the

gravest accusations against Johnson.

People said he embarrassed the Queen.

Embarrassed the Queen.

I mean, that is her husband's job.

Exactly.

She's what, 93.

93 she's had four kids she's been forced to parade around with the various despots and bastards of global politics and she's been married to prince philip for seven decades she's immune to embarrassment i think the only way he could he could really debase our politics further is november remembrance day ceremony masturbating onto the cenotaph We would never forget.

Never forget indeed.

I think that's really the only club left in his bag.

The Supreme Court essentially called a thoroughly justifiable bullshit on Boris Johnson's proroguing of Parliament and said that it hadn't even happened because that's how wrong it was.

Yeah.

It didn't exist, which I guess gave Boris Johnson a loophole.

If people say, oh, that proroguing was,

that was completely out of order.

He'll say, what proroguing?

Yeah, it's a.

Oh, no, it doesn't exist.

No, we're in a kind of God debate type situation.

It's the political equivalent of that series of Dallas that turned out to all be a dream.

As a result, the nation has continued to tear itself apart like, I'm running out of tearing itself apart similarly,

like some overexcited wrapping paper that's been given itself wrapped in itself as a birthday present.

Will that do?

Well, and now

they've been pressed on this a few times.

Johnson has refused to apologise for any of the things he said in Parliament, and he's continued to refer to the bill as a surrender bill and continued to use language, words like betrayal, which a lot of people are saying is sort of inflaming tensions so far uh one of his advisors dominic cummings uh who is a

um was asked uh

we've had enough of this technical legal terminology sorry

i'm having trouble following from overseas

he basically he was asked again uh if how we could possibly calm tensions there's been a lot of talk about potential rioting and he said uh the only way to calm these tensions and to prevent violence is to get brexit done so if somebody threatens you with violence, the only thing to do is to give in to their demands.

And that has completely subverted my understanding of every action film that I've ever seen.

Johnson responded, as you would expect, with the contrition, dignity, and even-handed, inclusive, bridge-building, open-mindedness of a drowning turd in a bucket of its own sick, and said that the ruling was wrong.

Now, who are you going to believe on this, Nish?

Who are you going to believe on this complicated legal matter?

Are you going to believe 11 of the top judges in the entire United Kingdom or a former journalist and proven bullshitter.

That is a tough call, made even tougher when the former journalist and proven bullshitter was then supported by Michael Gove, a former journalist and proven bullshitter.

Michael Gove said of Boris Johnson this week that he was the Pep Guardiola of politics with a reference to the current Manchester City and former Barcelona football manager, Pep Guardiola, largely acclaimed as being one of the greatest football managers of all time.

And at the time, everyone scoffed at this.

But then later this week, Pep Guardiola defended Manchester City footballer Bernardo Silver for publicly sharing a racist cartoon.

So the comparison might be more apt than we think.

When I first saw that, I didn't know embarrassingly who Pep Guardiola was, and I thought it was a misspelling that he was the Giardia of British politics.

And I thought, yeah, that checks out.

This guy gets it.

And then I thought maybe it's the Girardellis of British politics.

And I thought, you know, that's a pretty mediocre chocolate.

I don't think that gets to it quite hard enough.

I mean, what, how do you say?

I mean, I think there are some very great similarities between Pep Guardiola and Boris Johnson.

Their success is bankrolled by unaccountable behind-the-scenes plutocrats.

It's true of Manchester City as a football club, true of the Conservative Party.

Ceaseless passing is their hallmark of a football, in case of Guadiola's football teams, of the buck for Boris Johnson.

They're both dependent on highly skilled people from other countries.

Neither of them is very popular in Liverpool.

Neither of them has been elected to his position by the British public.

I mean, it's peas in a pod.

They both belong a f ⁇ of a lot away from Downing Street.

And neither really wants Philip Hammond in their team.

So

that is your Sistine Chapel.

That story hits exactly at the alignment of your interest of politics and sports.

Yes.

I mean, to be fair to Guardiola, he has just unilaterally cancelled all of Man City's matches for the next six weeks.

I mean, the only difference is results, essentially, in that Boris Johnson has lost seven votes in a row in Parliament since he became Prime Minister, plus a fing great court case.

That is relegation form, which is something that Guardiola's never had to encounter in his career.

At this point, Boris Johnson being Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is like, what would happen if I became in charge of the Ku Klux Klan?

Because everybody would be thinking, for God's sake, quit now.

But the larger question is, how was this allowed to happen in the first place?

As you would expect in this day and age, the Supreme Court ruling provoked a wide range of reactions.

Some claiming the justices were establishment stooges in the pay of the European Union.

The evidence being, well, who needs evidence in something like that?

You just feel it in your waters.

Others stating it was the rare example of Britain's vague, unwritten, nebulous constitution actually working for once in its non-existent life.

And I even heard one man on a five live bbc five live phoning

um wondering what gives a collection of 11 of our most senior experienced expert legal minds the right to rule on matters of law uh saying who elected these judges what makes them better than me and you

well i mean other than decades and decades of high-level legal experience nothing i guess um to be honest if you are looking at that from that point of view, if you're looking at that Supreme Court realm, you can argue about how our Constitution should work, but if you're you're looking at that, thinking what gives these Supreme Court judges the right to pass their opinions on matters of law, then step away from any ballot box near you, never pick up a pencil again.

This is emphatically not your game.

It would be a hell of a bold gambit for someone who had just been found guilty of a crime in courtroom.

Who elected you?

Who are you to tell me that I can't take a shit on a train?

Which God

placed that power in your hands, sir?

Pulling off a full shirt just to reveal an only God can judge me full-back tattoo.

Josh, what's been the American response to our

constitutional self-harmings?

Well, it has been deafening in that it has been mostly silent.

So

I think there was,

it was truly incredible.

The story is amazing.

I've been catching up on it.

Boris Johnson tried to suspend parliament, which I don't like that just because I feel like Trump is going to see that and go, can you do that?

And the answer is no, which to Trump obviously means give it a shot.

And here,

it's been absolutely chaotic over here.

Trump went on the, was on a call with a Ukrainian official and basically

threatened to withhold aid unless they investigated Joe Biden, which it's like it

honestly, I feel like your week has been so much more chaotic because here that's like exactly what I expect Trump to do because his entire vibe is Tony Soprano without therapy.

That's like his whole

deal.

So Trump and Biden are going back and forth and like neither one's account of what's happening seems right.

Like the Biden scandal is nothing, but like his account of it is also seems like weird.

Trump's account is like fully fabricated.

And it's really like watching two men argue over who asked out a girl in high school first.

It's like, none of you remembers anything.

I hate you both.

Stop it.

There's also...

Nancy Pelosi wants to, it seems like the Democrats want to impeach on this very narrow window of this one phone call, which on one hand is like, I get wanting to go in on something the public can easily understand, like an easily digestible single kind of bright scandal.

But also, it's like Pelosi saying, Look, he's holding the smoking gun, but what if someone gave it to him after they shot it?

Have we considered that?

All in all, this week has made me think it's incredible that we caught Richard Nixon at all without someone like Rudy Giuliani going on TV screaming, We're doing a Watergate, we did a Watergate, we're covering up the Watergate, which is what he's been doing all week.

It's his whole M.O.

It's amazing that Trump hired a guy to go on TV and confess to crimes.

Normally you pay someone to not do that.

Yeah, it's a bold approach to being a lawyer, just to go on TV and be like, my client's guilty as hell.

Yeah, what are you going to do about it?

Absolutely.

It's like you can't get it's double jeopardy.

I've already admitted it.

Checkmate, nerds.

Checkmate, nerds, really is what he would change the motto on the United States seal to.

Trump Stiltskin has not been taking it well as you would have thought.

The whistleblowers complaint accused him, and I think there's an element of hypocrisy flying around in the reaction to this.

The whistleblowers complaint accused Trump of using the power of his office to solicit interference from a foreign country in the build-up to the 2020 election.

Now, we cannot criticise him for isolationism, and we cannot criticise America as a nation for interfering in other countries' politics.

And now, give Trump grief when he reaches out across the oceans for international national assistance in desecrating his own democracy.

Surely these are the two things we've been praying for from America.

It is true he's building alliances

and he's taking an interest in democracy at home, which I appreciate.

The whistleblower complaint is only fascinating because it outlines how many whistle swallowers are hanging around, right?

It's like watching the end of a game where the refs are just like, let him play.

And one guy's like, he took his head off.

He's not supposed to have a hockey stick on this basketball court.

I mean, in terms of what might happen from here, probably nothing's going to happen, is it?

Because even if the Articles of Impeachment pass in the House, the Republicans still control the Senate and they need a two-thirds majority to make any sort of impeachment count.

Are you saying that Republicans would not automatically do what is objectively ethical and just?

I'm saying that in the past few years, integrity has been a foreign concept to the Republican Party, and we all know how they feel about foreigners.

I would say that the Democrats have been a little, you know, a little soft at times, but the Republicans have a tremendous integrity about just doing the most f ⁇ ed up thing at every juncture.

It's like an unwavering commitment, which I think is its own kind of integrity.

To see this man who's obviously a criminal running the country like a criminal brazenly and to be like, that's my guy is just like an absolute commitment and integrity to ass licking at every possible juncture.

They both addressed the UN this week and to borrow a phrase long-term fans of this podcast will recognize went full Gaddafi.

Just absolutely lost their minds.

Josh, what has the reaction been in the States to Trump's speech?

Because he looked like a horse that had been seriously tranquilized.

Oh, yeah.

He did not seem with it.

He listed the countries that he was obviously learning were just part of the UN with kind of, like, oh, hey, it was like he was reading a list of, He was like,

UN and being like, huh, oh, like a teacher on the first day of school, mispronouncing names, saying first names first.

It almost sounded like a Kwaluds version of a ludicrous song where he's like, I've got countries and different area codes.

It was horrible.

And people recognized it as such.

Oh, quailudacris.

It was right there.

How did I miss that?

The plum sitting right on the plane.

It was right there.

It was.

Luckily for him, and in a way lucky for the pair of them, they really do have each other's back.

Because Boris Johnson's speech to the UN was a sort of...

I mean, look, it felt like...

I mean, it felt like he had no idea that he was going to have to give a speech to the UN.

and had been kidnapped a week before and held in the back of a van and released into the UN and said, right, just away you go.

What will synthetic biology stand for?

Restoring our livers and our eyes with miracle regeneration of the tissues, like some fantastic hangover cure.

He's thought about that too much.

Or will it bring terrifying limbless chickens to our table?

Also known as chicken breasts and nuggets.

But Boris Johnson has been of a socioeconomic bracket that means he is not familiar with the nugget.

He is wildly unfamiliar with the nugget.

AI, what will it mean?

Helpful robots washing and caring for an aging population?

Or pink-eyed Terminators sent back from the future to cull the human race?

Now, I mean,

this shouldn't be the thing that distracts me most about it, but the Terminator's eyes are famously red.

Unless he's suggesting that the Terminators in the process of traveling back in time have somehow contracted conjunctivitis.

Or maybe the Terminators just stopped drinking so much.

These Terminators are high as shit.

I don't.

This is like insane clown posse level theorizing.

This is magnets.

How do they work?

I can't stand it.

It's like,

it's, what is he doing?

You're spitballing.

He's just freestyling up there.

You can't do that.

Well, evidently you can.

It's also like he thinks like, yeah, I thought I suspended this.

And it's like, that's a different thing that you

suspended.

Also, I mean, helpful helpful robots watching and caring for an aging population or pink-eyed Terminators sent back from the future to cull the human race.

Are those two mutually exclusive?

If you were really looking to take over the human race, you would keep the old people alive because they will then probably vote you into office.

And you would cull anyone who might stop your Machiavellian schemes.

Or look, maybe you have a kind robot to care for your grandparents, and then when they get, when life becomes too painful, you have a pink-eyed Terminator euthanasia.

In the future, voice connectivity will be in every room and almost every object.

Your mattress will monitor your nightmares, your fridge will beep for more cheese.

It's like Philip K.

Dick suffered a major brain injury.

His idea of the future is like he can't even imagine a future that's more than one step beyond the present.

That's sad.

It's like, that's now.

Animals news now, and clearly, there's been a lot of big stories this week.

As we've already discussed, we had the Supreme Court ruling and its divisive aftermath.

We had the news on the impeachment proceedings against Trump with the Ukraine story.

We've had more UN reports on the environment and the threat of extreme weather events becoming more and more frequent.

But what was the most read story on the BBC website on Wednesday night?

Absolutely correct.

It was the story that the man who created created the Labradoodle says it is his life's regret.

That was what most people wanted to read about on Wednesday, which I'm not saying they're wrong.

I'm just stating the facts as they are.

The creator of the Labradoodle, the crossbreed between the Labrador and the poodle, has

created this dog 30 years ago in an attempt to create a hypo-allergenic guide dog and said

he now regrets it.

I mean, it's hard to live with that kind of weight of responsibility when you've done something like that.

Well, when you've committed a sort of science-based faux pas in that way.

Also, just to be clear, Labradoodle is actually the name of the inventor.

It's like Frankie's.

Labradoodle's monster is the guy.

He was Dr.

Labradoodle.

Of course, it.

There you go.

That joke renders my half-degree in English literature entirely worthwhile.

And tax deductible.

It could, of course, have been called a poobador, but that sounded like a medieval performance poet with serious digestive issues.

So it became the

labradoodle.

Can I just ask, how did he create the.

Did he

find the biology we're going to go here, Nish?

Is his job as a quote-unquote scientist just getting dogs to figure out?

Well,

I don't know if he.

I mean, is he a scientist or a dog breeder?

I'm not quite sure.

or just a horny dog enthusiast a kito and pornographer

labradoodle is his pornography

um no I think he was a he was a breed a dog breeder professional dog breeder right and was trying to create a guy a guide dog that

the fur of labradors can cause allergies whereas poodles apparently don't

for whatever reason hence the the crossbreed Wally Conron the creator said, I find that the biggest majority of labradoodles are either crazy or have a hereditary problem.

Now,

this is the problem when you crossbreed different purebred breeds of dog.

Now, warning signs there, the British aristocracy has run a very similar scheme for generations and generations

of how that has ended up.

They're not even hypoallergenic.

Right, a prince is just a queen, right?

That's a queen-king hybrid.

The thing I don't understand, so the job of a dog breeder is getting dogs to f, right?

So, does that mean professionally you spend your time?

You make love, Nisha.

I mean, why do you

present it in such you know?

Does that mean that that guy's job is

by your own standards?

Just sort of like slipping oysters into dog food, getting candles.

Is it playing Marvin Gaye's album, Let's Get It On, at four times the speed so dogs can hear it?

I imagine so.

I think part of it is just not, not letting them go, right?

Other hybrid dog breeds to have been created recently include the Schnippet, that's the Schnauzer Whippet cross, the Rot Wawa, which is intimidatingly aggressive but fits in a handbag.

the Spaniel Doberman cross, known as the Cock Pincher, and the half bulldog, half Shihhtzu, the bullshit.

The thing about this story that really sticks out to me is that he said creating the Labradoodle was his greatest regret, which, like, oh, what a nice life you must have had then.

I have greater regrets before getting out of bed in the morning.

Oh, your greatest regret brought joy to families across the world.

Lucky you.

Yes, it is a bit of a humble brag, I guess, isn't it?

Yeah, right?

My only problem is how large my penis is.

If I had to change one thing about my body.

I'll see your creation of the Labradoulet as my greatest regret, sir, and raise you my entire mid-20s.

It's like Jonas Salk being like, the polio vaccine really got out of control.

Hybrid crossbreeds often don't work that well.

Christianity and capitalism.

Capitalism.

Democracy and the internet.

They could have been so good together, but it just isn't working out.

In other animal news,

in Britain this week,

a man punched a police horse.

Not just any man, a football fan, after a

Portsmouth versus Southampton Cup match.

An angry Portsmouth fan

took out his frustration at his team's 4-0 defeat by doing the logical thing and punching a police horse

on the snaf.

When football really brings out the best in Britain, these horses have had it too good for too long.

But I mean, it's, have you ever punched a police horse in the nose?

Of course I haven't punched a police horse.

I mean, I'm almost embarrassed that we're talking about this with Josh on the line.

This is the sort of thing that happens in Britain more often than any of us would like to admit.

At least in the pre-internet era, you could be like, oof.

It's like farting on your own.

You're like, thank God, no one else heard of it.

Thank God no one else got a whiff of this.

But now, because of the internet, everyone, like, our shame is global.

And what I would say is, what we need to establish in this situation is how did the man and the horse vote in the Brexit referendum?

And was the horse preventing Brexit?

Because if it was, that man was well within his rights

to throw his fist at that Ramona horse.

Who I think she wasn't wasn't she didn't she sing for Germany in the Eurovision contest last year?

I think the horse just voted Maine, not Lee Dor remain.

That's the podcast for this joke, right?

That was almost too many.

That was too much strong material in one minute.

That was too much strong material.

That is not what this podcast is about.

Ramona horse

and then it voted Maine.

That was was almost too much.

Josh, do people in America go to watch sport games and become so enraged that they end up attacking animals?

Oh, yeah.

I think we

fear our police more so that we don't try to fight their horses.

But I could see a guy finding a civilian horse to fight after a football game.

Which I think, you know, we have horse racing, which is so brutal to the horse.

The least we can do is, if we're going to abuse it, just square up and throw hands one-on-one.

Give the horse a fighting chance.

And also, why after football?

You can understand if, you know, someone's just seen their favorite horse or rider screw up the dressage at the Olympics.

You can understand them taking it out on the horse then.

Keep defending horse-based violence, only in certain circumstances.

You are as bad as Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson.

Well, before we go, we have a free gift from the Bugle to all of our listeners.

A free it could be worse sound effect.

Are you annoyed about the news?

Down about the state of your and my favorite planet?

Well never forget it could be a lot worse.

Whenever you're feeling knocked off, let down or just generally pessimistic about what's going on, remind yourself if you were a different species, things could be way, way worse by listening to one of our free it could be worse sound effects.

Sound effect one, you're a little antelope wondering why that large cat is running towards you licking its chops.

You like cats?

Oh, hang on.

Sound effect two, you're a fly innocently going about its insectual business on a window.

Keep it in perspective, people.

And finally, you are a turkey going shopping in early November.

So there we go.

Let's just try and keep our current troubles in some kind of

objective perspective.

Thank you very much for listening to the bugle.

Don't forget there are live shows imminent in Glasgow on the 7th of October and Newcastle on the 8th of October at the Stand Comedy Clubs.

Details and tickets on the internet.

Nish, anything to plug?

Please watch the MASH report

if you live in the UK on BBC iPlayer.

The first four episodes are available online.

And if you don't live in the UK, continue to watch it in the way that I know you've all been watching it, which is wildly illegally.

Listen, I don't condone it, but I do respect it.

Josh, do you have anything you'd like to alert our listeners to?

Please, I have a new book that just came out in the United States last week called Nice Try, Stories of Best Intentions and Mixed Results.

And I'm told it comes out in the UK on Halloween.

Not themed, not spooky, but I believe people have been able to get it on Kindle now, so that's exciting.

So it's coming out on the day we leave the European Union.

If you need something distracting or soothing or just completely inappropriate for the times.

Josh, I've got terrible news for you.

On the 1st of November, Andy and I are going to be eating your book.

Hey, whatever sells more copies.

Josh, it's been a delight to have you back on the show.

Nish, as always,

thanks very much.

Buglers, thank you for listening.

We will now play you out with some lies about our premium subscribers.

Now, we've had various emails regarding the backlog.

And yes, I will admit now, I didn't didn't realize how many lies I was going to have to tell.

There is a sign

there,

we will get around to you all

eventually.

It just may take some time.

I was going to try and do slightly more lies each week from now.

They might be, as a result, a little bit shorter.

To join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click donate.

Alan Smith finds that people respond to unexpected questions far more positively if you are carrying a clipboard and wearing a white coat.

Justin Christian had to laugh when, on his first day in a new job in an electrical goods store, he misheard his boss's comment that the tech alleys closed off as an instruction to take all his clothes off.

Janos Ortman cannot understand why Luke Skywalker ended up with such a pedestrian first name.

It just feels like a waste of a good surname, says Janos, like being called Ken Fantasmo or Piers Magerschnitzel.

Nick Bodinet enjoys and respects the sea, but does not like the idea of being a herring, although he does ironically like working in a team to solve communal problems, like herring do.

Tom Filipinski is bored by months always coming in the same order every year, year after year, and would like to democratise the system.

He's open to suggestions.

D.D.

Rimron Sauter, hearing this, suggests that we let the people choose with an electronic ballot which month should come next, apart from December, which the government should be able to impose in order to stimulate the economy with a Christmas.

Margaret Wharton does not understand why, if the Luge and Skeleton are in the Winter Olympics, there are no events on water slides in the Summer Games.

Eric Engstadt firmly concurs and adds that if there is horsey dressage in the Summer Olympics, then there should be polar bear rodeo in the winter version.

You cannot argue with that.

JC Van Ocker has patented the design for face curtains to help people get to sleep when out and about during daylight hours.

The dark velvet curtains will hang from a rail attached to the wearer's forehead and keep out 98% of all light as well as maintaining facial privacy.

Jeff Sperkowski did not enjoy eating vegetables in the past, but has overcome his reluctance to buy them in the shops by imagining that all vegetables were wanted criminals and performing citizens' arrests on them by putting them in his shopping trolley.

And Andrew Corliss does not approve of the term quad bike.

He reasons that a quad bike should have eight wheels, not four, because a bicycle has two wheels and quads are four us.

So two times four is eight.

The vehicles, things Andrew, should just be called quadsicles or quackers.

Here endeth the lies.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.