Bugle 4122 - Dastardly Things

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4122 of the Bugle.

We are back in the correct numerical order.

I am Andy Zaltzmann, and I run a tight ship.

Tight in the miserly sense, in that I don't invest much in upkeep and repairs, and it's now fairly seaworthy anymore.

It's either Friday the 20th of September, if you are me now, or if you are you listening when you're listening, it is insert date here.

No judgment either way, just a fact of time.

And joining me in London this week, still hanging out here because this hemisphere is just so awesome.

We've grabbed him for another bugle before he flees back south.

Tom Ballard.

Hello, Tom.

Hello, Andy.

A pleasure to be aboard this timeship.

So, I mean,

in terms of, you know, you're heading back to Australia

shortly.

Yep.

What lessons have you learned from your trip to the northern hemisphere so that you can spread the other side of the equator?

Parliamentary democracy rules.

Everything's going to be fine.

Always use drones to attack oil reserves.

These are the things that happen in the northern hemisphere that we don't hear about in the southern hemisphere.

It's all bloody beaches and

sharks.

Sharks.

Right, good.

And delicious tortillas.

I'm sick of the rest of this hemisphere.

You know what it's like, yeah.

Yep.

And joining us by the magical witchcraft of modern communication, all the way from San Francisco, NATO Green, Shalom Buglers.

Oh, God, I don't think I've ever said that in 12 years on the bugle.

I'm a bad Jew.

You are the worst Jew I've ever met.

Not in your adherence to Judaism, I mean, just as a person.

Just the worst Jew.

Thank you.

When you said you were on a tight ship, Andy, I assume you meant Jew.

I wonder if Noah ever said that.

How's America, Nate?

It's been a while since we had someone coming to us live from the States.

America's fantastic.

The big news out of the States this morning

is that we're down one more presidential candidate finally.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio just dropped out of his presidential bid, partly because he was

partly because he was polling at zero

but also because no one liked him

he was he was not only polling low but the people who knew about him emphatically didn't like him

so in a statement this morning he said that the reason he was dropping out was to return to New York City to ensure that New York City remains the vanguard of progressivism to which the people of New York said hey I'm walking here forget about it gaba goo

such a diverse city yeah i can't believe it we give up just because no one's really that interested in him and he's not very popular.

That's never stopped me in my career.

Polling at zero into Edinburgh debut, wasn't it?

He might be available for the bugle, Andy.

We are recording on the 20th of September.

On this day, in the year 1187, was the beginning of the Siege of Jerusalem, led by Saladin.

And it was all done and dusted by the 2nd of October.

That's disappointingly short for a siege, isn't it?

That's what, barely even two weeks.

I mean, fans of the longer siege would have been very, very disappointing.

I guess maybe they were trying to appeal to the younger fans of siege warfare who want everything now.

Wham, bam!

Thank you, ma'am.

Surrendered and done in a fortnight.

Not for the purest fans of test-match siege warfare, a proper, long-drawn-out, six-month grind minimum.

So much more narrative subtlety, the intricate tactical positionings, the gradual breakdown of society within a besieged city, the discontent in the besieging forces.

It's a test of patience, stamina, technique.

That is a proper siege.

It was a real siege 2020, I guess.

It was.

Saladin,

apparently, he wanted to take Jerusalem without spilling too much blood, particularly of his fellow Muslims, so he offered a sweet ransom once-in-a-lifetime special offer where you could buy your way out.

And the cost of this was 10 dinars for men, but only five for women.

So he was a feminist before feminism was even trendy.

1187, sensational.

I believe believe there's some embarrassing photos of Justin Trudeau dressed as Saladin

that could cause him some headaches.

We will touch on that later in this show.

And it's 500 years to the day since circumnavigation superstar Ferdinand Magellan set sail on his round-the-world trip.

Five ships with supplies for two years and 270 men, party, party, party.

A total of 19 of those made it back, not including Magellan himself.

Round-the-world cruises were so much more exciting in those days.

So much more.

Tomorrow, the 21st of September, will be 26 years since Russian President Boris Yeltsin prompted a constitutional crisis by suspending Parliament and scrapping the Constitution.

Oh, there's something about putting Borises in power.

It's bad, bad news.

Obviously, we don't have a Constitution to scrap, but the point stands.

Is it possible that Boris Johnson is going to shell the House of Commons with a tank

like Boris Yeltsin did?

Is that something that you would look forward to?

No, I mean, it's entirely...

I think at this point, what we've learned is you never rule anything out.

I'm sure they can find some loophole saying, well, there's nothing in the Magna Carta about not

driving a tank into Parliament.

As always, our section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, our review of London Fashion Week.

Is that why you stayed in the next week in London?

I'm a five week.

Go on.

Far from it, she's just you're so naturally well dressed.

F

you.

Judging people by my hand.

Lovely haircut by judging people by my own standards.

Oh, yes, I have had my haircut.

Oh, there's an exciting anniversary.

Next month, it will be 20 years since I last paid for a haircut.

Muzzletop.

Andy, as we were preparing for today's bugle, I realized that your haircut has a storied history.

I didn't realize that you had borrowed your hairstyle from

Israeli Prime Minister David Ben-Kurian.

Well, of course.

Of course, of course, of course I have.

Fashion I got.

Who cuts your hair now?

Well,

my wife cuts my hair.

Great.

We just had our 15th wedding anniversary this week.

Great.

Luckiest girl in the world.

The London Fashion Week.

It's been another thrilling week of clothing here in London.

We look back in a second have been at all the highlights of London Fashion Week, ranging from socks to shirts.

and trousers to underpants.

The big stars this week, of course, a group of non-conventionalist models or normality models, as they're known, who strutted their stuff on the catwalk wearing safety helmets and high-vis tabards, prompting a rush on building-site safety clothing amongst all London's young trendsetters.

Did later transpire they were just builders taking a shortcut via a fire escape on their lunch break, but that's fashion.

Controversialist Garmontier naturaliste Granale de la Clouche stirred the pot once again with trousers made of hollowed-out penguins.

A couturial satire on global warming, apparently, and De Laclouche insisted he did not actually slay the penguins himself, so it's fine.

British sock sensation Flibbard Appling, founder of the High Sock Sciety chain of luxury ankle, foot and toe wear, unveiled his new market shifting crop sock, which only covers the toes and about an inch and a half of actual foot, and the new Unisock, which is one co-sock to be worn on both feet simultaneously.

Very good for the posture, less good if you have somewhere to go, but such is high fashion.

Some interesting trends at London Fashion Week this week.

Back in fashion, the Poulane.

Unexpected revival for the pointy medieval shoe, also known as the Krakoff, or Krakow,

developed, of course, by the Polish army in the 15th century as a means of toasting marshmallows around a campfire whilst leaving their sword or halberds available for emergency use at all times.

That came in after, of course, King Zwiggismund the oddly irate was ambushed and killed mid-marshmallow by his great rival Wenceslad the Butch.

The last thing that Zwiggismund saw was his enemy eating his marshmallow, saying, could have done within another 20 seconds.

And of course.

People as you really have to be here.

You have to attend a recording to watch Andy read his own material with a big fat smile on his beautiful face.

It's really special.

Thank you, Tom.

You can indeed attend recordings in Glasgow on the 7th of October and Newcastle on the 8th of October.

He's the best.

Details on the website.

Also, in the fashion section in the bin, which has got quite long.

This is a big bin.

An exclusive interview with Sir Fontaine Curlew, the founder of the Very Fast Fashion Giants Fleet, justifying his latest show of clothes, footwear, and jewelry that disintegrate and/or dissolve 8 to 15 minutes after being put on.

Such items as the Evernespadrill, the ephemeral, and the transient trousers.

He claims they are both a metaphor for life and a very sound business model.

That section in the bin.

Often when I do a very long section in the bin, it's because I've been up ridiculously late.

And the reason for that yesterday was I got on.

I was supposed to get a train that got into London at 11:30 p.m.

after a gig up in Yorkshire last night.

It arrived in London at 3.15am

due to a significant delay.

So if I'm not at my sparkling press today,

that is why.

Top story this week, the Middle East.

Well,

we keep returning to the Middle East

like a dog returning to its long-lost vomit over the 12 years that this show has been in existence.

Tom and NATO, I've just appointed you both the Bugle Middle East correspondents.

Yes.

So

just

the Saudi-Iran squabble at the moment, drone strike on a Saudi oil installation, dispute over who was responsible.

I mean, how much of you enjoy this, Tom, as a neutral, Middle East neutral?

Very neutral.

I describe it more as a row or a bitch fest.

All right, two major Saudi oil installations were attacked by missiles and drones.

Saudi Arabia is like, it was Iran.

And the US agrees it was Iran.

And Iran was like, no, it was the Houthi rebels in Yemen.

And the Houthi rebels are like yeah it was totally us and then one guy from Saudi Arabia was like well I guess it could have been the Houthi rebels and the rest of the Saudis were like no Iran and the US was like damn fing right it was Iran and now Iran has to lip-sync for its life and I'm like girl you ain't that fishy you better watch yourself and stop acting like you're the biggest bitch in the Gulf okay I've been watching a lot of RuPaul's drag race up late because that might have influenced my coverage but this does seem to be more squabble more talk of war which we're all about here at the bugle Andy we're always bumming banging the drum uh there's been mounting pressure on Trump to take some military action against Iran, not just sanctions.

He's being frightfully coy, saying there's plenty of time to do some dastardly things.

It's very easy to start and we'll see what...

Dastardly things.

Okay, thanks, President Riddler from 1960s Batman.

Thank you for the vague heads up.

Ooh, I just can't wait to see what japes and drone strikes you get up to.

I'm sure that whatever it is, it will be ever so delicious.

That's a glorious.

Nate, how did you know that your president had had the word dastardly in his linguistic golf bag?

I think probably he has famously has very

short-term memory, so somebody must have said it literally two seconds before he said it, and then that was like the last thing he heard.

I'm a little bit surprised.

I mean, Trump, this is going to be a challenging diplomatic situation for him because, as you know, Trump is famously racist and prior to this

was not aware that Saudi Arabia and Iran were different things.

Just thought it was like a lot of brown people, and that was all he had to do.

He wanted to bomb, probably,

and

that was all he needed to know.

So he's going to have to really get into the weeds on it.

Obviously,

from an objective point of view, it's not ideal to see Saudi Arabia and Iran

politically prodding each other in the chest like two drunken men on different stagdus at the same nightclub, realizing they're both engaged to the same woman.

And as you said, yeah, I mean, was it the Houthis?

Was it Iran?

Was it a surprise package?

Ecuador?

Ooh.

I mean, they've not been mentioned.

You know,

often, you know, strange, Leicester City won the Premier League.

Who knows?

Maybe it was Ecuador that bombed that oil installation.

Was it a prank by the TV show Impractical Jokers?

Was it maybe Elon Musk attempting to accelerate space travel by provoking another world war?

It sure as f ⁇ worked last time.

I think on my list of things...

that I wanted to see this year, it did not include

Saudi Arabia and Iran squabbling over a strike on a Saudi oil plant.

It didn't.

It did not.

England winning the Cricket World Cup, that was on there.

Okay.

Britain having an Aubergine as Prime Minister, that was on there.

It has not yet happened, but I am still hoping.

But a spiral of provocation and recrimination in the Middle East, not on my list.

Well, apparently Trump discussed the Iran situation on the phone with your Prime Minister, with Boris Johnson, and the two agreed on the need for a united diplomatic response.

And I tell you what, Andy, if there's one thing Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are good at, it is making things united.

If you want things like responses or democracies to really stay united, really stick together like Velcro covered in glue, get Donny and Boris on the case.

Clockwipe to number 10 in the White House simultaneously releasing conflicting diplomatic responses, one of them encouraging Saudi Arabia to sexually molest Iran, and the other demanding that Islamistan apologize for the war on Christmas.

It's coming.

I think we should just embrace the fact that a war in Iran is coming.

Let's lean into it, Andy.

It's been ages since we've had a good war, apart from the million culture wars that occupy every single second of every single day.

I'm talking about a proper war.

I haven't seen someone pull down a statue in finging ages, and quite frankly, I'm fing sick of it.

Quite frankly, Andy, if someone doesn't torture a brown person in a far-off land in my name for no good reason whatsoever, pretty bloody soon, Andy, I'm going to feel ashamed to be a red-blooded member of the Western world.

Let's go over there and accomplish the f out of that mission, baby.

Sorry.

That's all right.

I mean, you're very much a pin-up boy for the alt-right these days, Tom.

Andy, are you going to sit there and let Tom call Boris Johnson your prime minister?

Is that mine?

Well, I mean, to be honest, you know, he's all of our prime.

He belongs to the world, Boris Johnson.

He is a metaphor for the dangers of letting your democracy rot from the inside.

Mike Pompeo jabbed the finger of Blaine very firmly into the eyeballs of Tehran, saying this was an Iranian attack.

It's not the case that you can subcontract out the devastation of 5% of the world's global energy supply and think you can absolve yourself of responsibilities.

5% in one oil.

Does that not seem like a f of a lot for one?

That's a lot.

I mean, has anyone thought of maybe trying to just spread that out a bit more, not leaving so much of the world's energy supplies tied up in one facility owned and run by a theocratic dictatorship?

I mean, mean, I'm no expert on the global oil industry, but that's a good idea.

What are we going to do, Andy?

Name one alternative energy source to me other than oil.

You know what I mean?

It's not like it's just flinging around the air or beam to us directly from a giant gas like, you know, nearby every single day.

I mean, could you just incinerate stray kittens?

No,

no.

We need to burn the old dinosaurs.

Right.

I've always seen that.

That's my catchphrase.

I believe a menva of the Saudi Arabian government described the attack as their 9-11, which, it could be argued, the original 9-11 was theirs as well.

And they really are having two bites of the apple left.

I mean, who do we believe on this?

Do you believe Saudi Arabia?

Do you believe Iran?

Do you believe Donald Trump?

I mean, it's like deciding whether to share a remote Airbnb with Hannibal Lecter, Freddy Krueger, or Donald Trump.

It's not an easy choice.

Also in the Middle East the aftermath of the latest Israeli election is rumbling on.

Still unclear who will be Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, the reigning champion or opposition leader Benny Gantz, who I think had some hits in the 1950s with his big band.

I forget.

Netanyahu is attempting to forge pacts with

religious politicians and far-right ultra-nationalists.

I mean, that's in terms of reassuring phrases you could hear at this difficult time.

That is, again, that's low on the list.

As the Beatles sang, all you need is love and religious fundamentalists and right-wing nationalists holding the balance of political power in Israel.

He's, of course, Netanyahu is still batting off corruption scandals like wasps at a picnic.

Quick bit of advice for Netanyahu, don't just try to bat off the wasps.

Try to stop smearing yourself head to toe in a honey honey and maple syrup.

Israel had a choice between two fantastic leaders.

They had a choice between the right-wing racist who has several corruption charges against him and the slightly arrested right-wing but still pretty right-wing racist who has several war crime allegations against him.

They were so similar, they couldn't be bothered coming up with more distinct names.

You have a choice between Benjamin or Benny's.

Such freedom to choose.

I'm as free as a Palestinian living in Gaza.

Wee!

Oh, look, it's tough.

God promised it to us, Tom.

It was a pretty wild campaign.

At one point, Netanyahu promised to annex large sections of the West Bank if he was returned as Prime Minister.

And Benny Gansi, opposition leader, responded to that, not by saying the classic attack line, hey, that's illegal and bad, but rather opting for the alternative classic, stop copying me.

The two major parties in the Israeli election genuinely argued over not over the merits of the idea of illegally expanding the state of Israel into the West Bank, but over who came up with that idea.

I look forward to Prime Minister Ganses taking a tougher stance against Palestinian protesters.

Stop hitting yourselves.

Stop hitting yourselves.

Stop hitting yourselves.

All right, tough crowd.

I don't know.

Cut it out.

It's tough out there.

Well, I'll tell you whose idea it was in the first place.

God!

It was God's idea.

In other crazy leadership news now, Justin Trudeau cannot remember how often he's blacked up.

And that's really the only way to report this story.

NATO, you you are our Canadian politics correspondent.

It doesn't seem good to me.

Not just that you've done it, but if you can't remember how often you've done it, that suggests that it's a lot of time.

Yeah, that's also a cry for help.

That's Justin Trudeau's way of saying that he was

blackout drunk for most of his 20s.

He said that he was too privileged to know that it was wrong to wear blackface.

And,

you know, you might think that

that's a comment on his familial wealth.

But let me translate it for you.

In this context, being too privileged means not knowing any black people who might punch you in the face.

That you need to grow up in a diverse community so that when you show up at the school prom in blackface, you get punched in the face and then you realize, oh, perhaps I should not do that anymore.

It's not like a lot of, you know, study groups and reading reading and understanding human empathy.

It is a healthy respect of getting punched in the face for being too racist.

So

the press keeps asking if his propensity for blackface will hurt.

Trudeau's upcoming reelection campaign.

But, you know, we've seen from Trump and Boris Johnson and Bolsonaro

a lot of success for racist politicians.

It could help him out.

There are probably some white Canadians watching this story unfold and saying, you know, finally a prime minister with the balls to wear blackface.

A blackface PM is my cup of tea.

Earl Gray, obviously.

Gen Machos for stinky immigrants.

But I do think just return to this idea that

he says he can't remember how often he's done it.

So that suggests that it's a minimum of five times, does it not?

Because, I mean,

one, you're definitely not going to forget.

Two, you'll probably remember doing it and people saying, Justin, I can't believe you've done that again.

Third time, you'll remember people saying, Justin, are you seriously still doing that?

Four, you'll remember the looks in people's faces even if you don't specifically remember choosing to turn your white skin into a different colour.

Five, I guess it's become an addiction that you just it just blanks into.

I think he's kind of dead me the way, because like not remembering how many times, that's a bad look, I get that.

But it might also be a bad look if he could remember precisely how many times he's blacked up, particularly if he recounts those times wistfully, staring off into the middle distance, smiling to himself about the good old times.

That's also not good, you know.

What I want to know, though, is how many fancy dress parties has he been to?

I mean, I guess in Canada, those long summer months have to be passed before the hockey season begins.

But I could remember every single fancy dress costume I have ever worn, Stonehenge, once.

And apart from that, whenever I went to a fancy dress party, I just wore a dressing gown and strapped a metal teapot to myself because I couldn't really be asked.

But, I mean,

does he not vary his costumes at all?

No, when you want to a winner, stick with it.

The New York Post covered this with the headline, Justin Trudeau leaves open possibility of more blackface photos, which really does sound like he's planning to take more

in the future, which I have to say is a bold electoral strategy.

Like, I've heard of trying to get ahead of the story, but that's pretty impressive, I think.

The photo was taken from a yearbook picture from 2001 that had been obtained by Times magazine, as they reported.

Piss off Times, you didn't obtain it.

Someone just emailed it to you.

It just fell into your lap.

You obtained this photo in the same way that I've obtained the dozens of dick pics that Andy Zaltzmann has texted to me, okay?

You've done no work for this.

Oh, special secret.

He was dressed up as Aladdin in the photo, and it's obviously provoked a lot of outrage from all sorts of people, including Scarlett Johansson, who was annoyed she wasn't considered for the role at the time.

But the problem, of course, is he's so progressive, right?

Like he's sold himself as a very progressive guy.

When his cabinet was sworn in in 2015, half the appointments were women, three were Sikhs, and two members were from Indigenous communities.

At least that's what everyone believed.

It was revealed today that those cabinet members were actually just a bunch of white dudes in dresses and convincing turbans.

So

the whole thing's falling apart for a while, Andy.

Oh, we live in strange and confusing times.

Whistleblowing news now.

And well, there's been a further whistleblowing scandal in America.

We don't know what the whistleblower has blown his whistle about.

That remains outside the public domain, possibly something to do with Ukraine.

So all we can do in this vacuum of information is guess what Donald Trump has done that is not being allowed to come out.

And given all the stuff about him that is true and public domain, you've got to assume it's a hell of a lot worse.

So I'm going to float these possibilities, none of which are true.

Let me say that from a legal point of view, that he brought together leaders of the Jewish and Muslim communities in the White House for a meeting and then rode in on a pig, said, open wide everyone, and fed that pig a hand grenade.

We can only speculate.

It is possible that during the state visit to the UK earlier this year, he wiped his penis on the Queen's crown when she'd taken it off to take her shot in a game of pool before announcing, now I am magic.

We just don't know.

We just don't know.

Those sound more like fantasies of yours that you've...

been turning over in your mind.

It's so hard to tell the difference these days.

It is hard.

I think he could have promised Japan that he'd defeat Godzilla once and for all, no doubt by deploying an even bigger and more destructive radioactive monster to f Godzilla.

He could have promised Australia to invite us to more parties and answer our WhatsApp messages, please.

He could have promised Israel to do some reading so he can become clear about the whole history thing.

And he could have promised Slovenia to order more of their wives.

I don't know.

We'll never know.

I just hope this all comes out.

We know for sure, you know.

The thing about this that I'm having trouble with is I'm not sure I believe that Trump is actually capable of hatching a conspiracy and executing it, just at a cognitive level.

Like, everybody in America and the world already knows at this point that as soon as Trump is out of office, we'll get official confirmation that his brain was made up of 98.5% of dead worms.

And, like, everybody knows that at this point, and we're just going along with the farce.

And so, now everyone's trying to figure out who was the whistleblower, and I think we know

it's code.

The whistleblowing complaint was filed August 12th.

Now, of course, you guys know that in 2001, prior to the September 11th attacks on August 6th, then president and current watercolor prodigy George W.

Bush received the president daily briefing from the CIA entitled, Bin Laden Determined to Strike in the U.S., which he ignored because,

again, George W.

Bush and Donald Trump, both the last two white presidents in America, cannot read.

So, August 6th, daily intelligence briefing in 2001, current complaint August 12th.

This year, 2019 was the 18th anniversary of 9-11.

That's 6 plus 6.

August 6th plus to August 12th.

August 12th plus 6 is 18.

That's 36s, 666.

The number of the beast him.

Satan himself is the whistleblower.

Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, call him what you will, is actually an employee of the U.S.

federal government.

He works as deputy special liaison to the accounts payable department of the CIA, and he blew the whistle on Trump's conduct because he is very concerned that Trump is making the apocalypse much more stupid than the Dark Lord had intended.

Well, it's good to have someone there on the ground for us reporting these stories that are making the mainstream press.

You'll see to Alex Jones on your podcasting network.

Lunatic former leader News Now and David Cameron has, has

stirred up some hot water over here.

He has irritated the Queen apparently by

spreading details of their supposedly secret meetings from when he was Prime Minister, not just in his book, but in interviews as well.

The Queen, of course, is constitutionally barred from calling David Cameron a self-serving twat, but I think that message was fairly clear, which the palace registered, quotes, its displeasure and annoyance.

I was in a double act call that once.

Can't remember what happened to the other guy.

Which one were you?

Oh, secret.

Anyway, David Cameron's book For the Record is out this week, and we have exclusive serialization rights here at the Bugle.

So here's some world-exclusive excerpts from For the Record.

This is on Brexit.

My advisor said to me that it would be a political earthquake, but I lived through the Equique earthquake of 2014 in Chile.

It was 8.3 on the Richter scale, where I was in Oxfordshire.

I didn't feel a thing.

So, how bad can they actually be?

Perhaps rashly, I'd assume my personal magnetism and popularity would be enough to see remain to victory.

But as it transpired, failing to win an overall majority against one of the least popular sitting prime ministers in history, then sneaking a narrow majority against his even more incompetent successor, largely by virtue of having sold out to the very people I was now trying to beat on the far right of the political spectrum, did not equal unquenchable and undying love from the voters.

This on austerity.

He's very proud of his record on austerity.

He says this.

Whilst austerity was undoubtedly a great success, measured in the bald objective criteria of number of lives ruined, number of tears shed and number of party donors pleased, it could have gone further.

When I left office the country still had some traces of its vital organs intact.

Many people were still able to buy their own food and there was still a flicker of hope in the eyes of British children.

I had to face the fact that I had failed.

This is on the rise of UKIP and the Brexit wing of the Tory Party.

Turned out that constantly feeding tasty morsels of meat to a crocodile does not necessarily pacify that crocodile.

It just means you end up with a large, constantly ravenous crocodile with a taste for blood.

The chief civil servant had warned me that the potential ramifications would shake and in all likelihood break the United Kingdom and define my legacy as the most damaging ever left by a Prime Minister.

But I did not hear him.

My mind was yet again wandering back to that night, that unforgettable night in Oxford, and the soft, engulfing sensation of my tumescent membran slowly disappearing into the cold, dead more.

Sorry, it's a family show.

We'll just finish that book now.

You can buy for the record in any good bookshop and do buy it and then set fire to it and throw it in a bin.

Protest news now.

And well, the world is protesting today.

Protests all around the world, yet again, there are protests here in London.

NATO, I believe you're going shortly going to go on the protest in San Francisco.

It all began,

I don't know if Australia was the first one, probably in New Zealand, beat you to it ourselves in the case.

Millions of people around the world have gathered to protest against the climate, which has had it too good for too long.

My daughter, once again, is on the climate.

I need to just call in on her again, as we did back in February, to see how

things are going.

Tom, I mean, you're

a little younger than me, so obviously the environment is your problem more than it's mine.

Sure.

I mean, what?

Thank you for all that you've done, by the way.

You're welcome.

Whose side are you on?

I think I'm kind of on the fence still.

I'm still waiting to see.

You know, maybe the fossil fuel companies will give us something else that will impress me and I'll sort of tip their way.

You know, the environment's done some cool stuff.

The birds and chickens, and

birds and chickens, two separate categories.

And ants are pretty cool as well.

I like that ants movie, the animated one they did.

That was good.

Tom, I love the idea of the only bit of nature that you enjoy being poultry.

Like,

yeah, we really need to take care of the environment.

You know, chickens, turkeys, ducks, geese, swans,

a Pusan, a squab.

You know,

we really need to conserve the planet.

I said it like a robot trying to be human, Jack, to just cycle through animals I've researched.

And I just got stuck on the bird page.

I love all animals.

I'm very pro-environment, all right?

I didn't go to the protest today because I had to write jokes for this f ⁇ ing bullshit, which I would say is the greatest pollution you can enter into the world, is writing jokes for the bugle.

So I'm full of regret today, and I'm ashamed of myself.

And good on you, Dato, and good on you talking to your daughter, Andy.

It's good.

It's in the morning here in California and I'm heading out to the climate march

as soon as we wrap up here.

I will be walking with the trade union contingent at the climate strike today.

And frequently in the U.S., labor is not great on responding to the climate crisis because of construction unions whose workers build pipelines and refineries and oil rigs.

And, you know, it's easy to get pessimistic about climate change, but I think these like climate denialist fossil fuel unions are actually optimists because they believe that there are jobs on a dead planet.

Now, I don't know if this is like this is probably the case in your cities as well, but in San Francisco, like our marches always go the same route.

They start at Civic Center, down Market Street to the Embarcadero, or they start at the Embarcadero and go down Market Street the other way to Civic Center.

It's what you would call about two and a half kilometers distance, and we San Franciscans would call a reasonable distance to walk back from a parking space.

I look forward to seeing climate protesters, but one of the things I also enjoy about going to protests is seeing like all the bandwagon protests who come up, who show up for other causes, just to sort of, oh, there's a protest, I better go talk about my thing.

So I'm looking forward to the U.S.

out of D's nuts,

the solidarity with the Waterfront Liberation Front, the people who think that reducing carbon is the same as reducing carbs and are pelting the police with scones, and of course, the people who blame the Jews.

Looking forward to all that.

We talk about the negatives of climate change, but we don't talk enough about the positives.

Like some jobs will actually get easier.

You know, farming will get harder, of course, as the world gets hotter, but the job of meteorologist will get easier.

Like the evening news, future weatherman, all he'll have to say is, oh shit, run, motherfuckers, everything is on fire.

So that job will get easier.

Another job that will get easier in the future is Norwegian Safari Guide.

Now they have very few clients, very few opportunities to go on Safari in Norway, but in the future, hiking the tropical jungles of Norway will be a top tourist destination, and those people will do well.

Also, another job is the people whose job it is to rename neighborhoods in real estate listings because sea level rise will change a lot of place names.

Like in San Francisco, I live in a very hilly neighborhood called Burtal Heights, about 10 kilometers from the ocean, but in 20 years it'll be Bernal Beach.

And then I will have beachfront property without having done anything, although I will also have no food.

But I mean, the property, I mean, imagine that the property boom for places like yours, NATO.

That's got to be worth hanging on for.

That's got to be worth just leaving your car running in the driveway every day.

As I said, my daughter has once again joined in on the London protest, and I just need to check if she's taking the

day off school.

I just need to check that everything's going alright.

Hello, darling.

How's it going?

No, love, I haven't heard if the combined forces of capitalism have agreed to instantly change everything they do yet.

Do keep trying, though.

I'm sure they'll come round.

Sorry, you're breaking up there.

No, no, no, no, you cannot kidnap Michael Gove and parade him naked down Whitehall shouting shame, shame, shame shame

deserving it does not make it legal I'm afraid no

you're right I I did say you could do anything you wanted for your birthday treat but but

sorry what's that

no I don't think releasing poisonous Amazonian snakes onto the London underground is the best way to make your points

well it is a way yes but

not the best way

I know we've destroyed their natural habitat that doesn't necessarily follow that we have a reciprocal duty to

what do you mean it's too late

No, I think that was a mistake, darling.

Who told you to do it?

Yeah, I did say you should always listen to your mother.

Can I have a quick word with mum, please?

She's riding what down the Thames waving a burning effigy of Boris Johnson.

Where does she get it from?

Don't the police need it?

Spare clothes, yes.

I'll be there right away.

Okay, love.

Love you.

You're such a square dad.

Just chill out of it, you know?

In Australia, of course, the classic reaction to young people, you know, taking their future in their hands, heading out, you know, into the streets, using their democratic rights to fight for a better future.

Right-wing people looked at that and gone, no, thank you.

The Daily Mail in Australia did some cracking journalism by publishing a story with the dramatic headline, I just wanted the day off.

School children admit they use climate change protests as an excuse to skip class.

Breaking news, Andy.

Some young people don't like school.

Our top story today, school drools.

School drools?

And later in the bulletin, why teachers stink like poo brains.

The Daily Mail journalist talked to a group of schoolboys who said they were just happy to be out of the classroom and were planning on going to Subway for lunch as they were hungry.

Typical apathetic Generation Z always eating food simply because they're hungry.

Better not get used to that, kids.

Once the climate apocalypse hits, the sandwich artists are going to be the first ones we eat for food.

Meanwhile, Australian radio shock shock Alan Jones took calls about the climate strikes.

Alan was not a fan.

Apparently, when an elderly caller suggested the children's minds were being manipulated just like those of the Hitler youth in Germany decades ago, Alan Jones was in furious agreement.

He said, I will remind our listeners that Hitler's Minister of Propaganda,

Joseph Goebbels, also said it would not be impossible to prove with sufficient repetition that a square is in fact a circle.

Of course, Goebbels' greatest crime, misleading people on geometric shapes.

Next thing you know, these left-wing Nazi climate bastards will have our children running around thinking a dodecahedron is a f ⁇ ing rhombus.

Not on my watch, mate.

In other environmentally related news, Burger King in Britain, the burger chain,

have said that they will stop giving out plastic toys with kids' meals.

I mean, this is desert.

They were the tastiest bit

Tom you're our free toys with meals correspondent.

Thank you.

What's uh

what's your take on this story?

Well basically yeah two Hampshire children set up a petition calling on the company to reduce plastic waste so they're they're getting rid of the toys.

Burger King says from here on in the plastic will only be used to make their lettuce.

I mean it's basically the same joke, but

Burger King is encouraging people to bring in old promotional plastic toys which it says it plans to melt to make other items.

What the f is happening in a Burger King kitchen that they have plastic melting facilities?

Just focus on cooking the food.

Call me Picky.

I don't want my burgers to be anywhere near a kiln full of melted Detective Pikachu carcasses.

Please!

McDonald's hasn't gone quite as far as Burger King.

They've said their customers will now be able to choose between getting a plastic toy or getting some fruit.

You hear that, kids?

You know how you love your McDonald's happy meals, but just wish they could somehow be healthier and more boring?

Well, good news.

Now you can replace that Spider-Man action figurine with some grapes.

To be honest, it does melting down old toys.

I mean, that does sound like scene one in some kind of horrific disaster movie.

That's the final finale of Toy Story 3, isn't it?

They're all going to the fire.

Oh, well.

Can I ask,

did Burger King make a permanent decision to suspend the plastic toys, or did they just prorogue prorogue them for a little while?

Sport news now, and the Rugby World Cup has begun.

It began today with Japan beating Russia in the opening match.

And, of course, the bugle itself birthed into existence just as the 2007 Rugby World Cup came to a close.

Since when New Zealand have not lost a single Rugby World Cup match, you're very welcome.

Any New Zealand buglers, they are playing South Africa in the morning, tomorrow, Saturday morning, so this might be out of date already, but it's time for the bugle official Rugby World Cup preview.

Tom, I mean, you must be hugely excited about Australia's prospects in

this tournament.

Please shut up and leave me alone.

Okay, and NATO, I imagine the streets of America are absolutely awash with discussion of how the

US Eagles are going to fare in this tournament.

I don't know what Eagles are.

Okay, so I think I'll take this one on my own then.

It's sensational tournament ahead.

International rugby, like most sports, skirts that fine line between Global Festival of Athletic Endeavour and competition stifling self-interested cartel.

On the field, rugby, for those who are not familiar with it now, is sort of a cross between chess, cage wrestling without the cage, off the ground it

being combine-harvested and international tax law, particularly international tax law, in that no one really understands it, but you can be pretty sure that the big guys are probably doing something very naughty indeed.

It can be a sport of unmatched majesty when it isn't tediously repetitive or disappearing off its own fundament under the weight of a rulebook that would wipe out the dinosaurs if it collided with earth at sufficient velocity.

Incredible skill in the heat of physical combat on a level with trying to knit a basket of young snakes into a nice little bonnet while going down a bobsled run on an increasingly cranky crocodile.

So it can be great, it can be less great.

The American team

not expected to do that well, but they do have my favourite named player of the tournament, and there are some spectacular names in international rugby.

Threaten Palamo,

which

sounds like a memo from Donald Trump to himself, reminding him to do some morning diplomacy.

The people of Palamo have to be taught a lesson.

There's no such place, Mr.

President.

I think you'll find there is.

There is no such place.

Who's president?

Look out to for Hanko Hermes for no reason other than it's a satisfying collection of syllables.

I like Intimidate Johnson myself.

I guess we'll have our own personal pickup.

What could be the deciding factors in this tournament?

Could be which team has stolen the best players from the Pacific Islands, a tradition as old as international rugby itself.

Which team has packed itself with the most South Africans?

South Africa have got a good chance there, but they're not quite as far ahead as you might think.

Which team is the most effective at the ancient rugby art of covert low-level cheating and referee swindling?

Which team ends up with fewer players suffering ruptured scrotals, a displaced spleen rammed up into their eye socket, or an opponent's head lodged immovably where their thoracic vertebrae used to be, or classic rugby injuries i'm going to pick out some players to look out for now from the uh for the world cup for those who are less into it for south africa look out for meatball skulk vank van dreijksweijk who trains by splitting rocks in a quarry just by running at them headfirst the french genius bleuffliance gitin an illusionist flyhoff who famously honed his uh distinctively mercurial phantom running style working at his parents' unlicensed zoo where the young bleuffliance would be thrown into the line enclosure every morning carrying a lump of zebra meat shaped like a rugby ball and have to sidestep and dummy his way to safety Look out too for the Georgian Bulwark Grizzle, the human caucus of Smashaladze, who has a top running speed of 0.6 miles an hour but can upturn a cargo ship with his bare hands.

Opera singing Romanian speedster Viol Porchescu who can run 100 metres and 10.4 and fix a fullback to the spot with the first three bars of his sensational Ness and Dorma.

New Zealand all-blacks heavily fancied of particularly with legendary star Quantok Mellington Norris back in the squad selected for his skills at the pre-match hacker

the war dance the the traditional war dance New Zealand user, which Mellington Norris performs so threateningly that opponents have been known to confess their role in unsolved crimes from the 1970s and hand themselves into the police just to get off the pitch.

Well, another American player to look out for.

I don't think your brain's been affected by that late-night trade journey at all.

I think it's working perfectly fine.

The American scrum half Pope Tallulah, the most argumentative player in world rugby, a Harvard law school graduate, who recently won an in-game court case against a referee in which the USA were awarded 73 extra points and $1.3 million in compensation.

So it's all set to be a sensational World Cup.

Woo!

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle.

Tom, it's been a pleasure having you here in London the last, what, twice in the last couple of weeks?

Absolute joy as ever, Andy Zaltzman.

Any shows you'd like to alert our listeners to?

Yes, beautiful people in Los Angeles, La La Land.

I'm performing my show Enough at the UCB Franklin on Thursday, October the 3rd at 9:30 p.m.

It will be full of suits from the beers who are dead inside and do not laugh.

So if normal, lovely buglers would like to come along and support the show, I'd love to see you there.

NATO, anything you'd like to plug?

My comedy album, The Whiteness album, is available wherever comedy can be streamed and downloaded.

Also, Monday, September 30th, I have my monthly movie riffing show at the Alamo Draft House where we talk over the movies.

This month, September 30th, we're doing Swamp Thing and October we're doing Terminator 2.

So that'll be fun.

And don't forget, live Bugle shows, Glasgow, 7th of October, Newcastle, the 8th of October, both at the stand comedy clubs.

Tickets available in the ether or internet or at the venues or by the phone, whatever you want.

See you all there.

Until next week, goodbye.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.