Bugle 4120 - The Guilty Bugle

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to this week's Bugle.

All the way from the beginning of last week.

It's a special mashed up hybrid crossover interbred

live show between the guilty feminist and the...

Oh, what was the other one?

Yeah, the bugle.

That's it, the bugle.

We recorded this show at King's Place in London on the 1st of September.

So let's now go back in time.

And here we are with me, Andy Zoltzman, and the host of the guilty feminist, Deborah Francis White.

Please welcome someone who's graced both of these podcasts, Alice Fraser.

Hello, buglers.

Hello, feminists.

happy Australian Father's Day Dad.

How are you?

My father there in the front row representing everything good about the patriarchy.

Hashtag not all men.

Hashtag Alice's father.

He's the one that makes it not all men.

Well done.

Thank you Alice's dad.

But historically most men.

What the current percentage is.

And also joining us on stage,

the producer of the Bugle Podcast.

Please welcome Chris.

Can I just say we don't talk like that at the Guilty Feminist?

So whoever says that...

He's taken down the patriarchy.

Is Chris the patriarchy?

You can't point at a beta male and say patriarchy.

It's not right.

He takes this every single week.

Do you honestly think that man is a manifestation of the patriarchy?

No.

I mean, I see beta male as a promotion.

You're one of us, Chris.

You're one of us, and I will stand behind you.

I should also say, and I might have told this story on the bugle before, but I'm definitely not a patriarch.

Because my daughter, at the age of eight,

turned to me and said, Daddy, you're too silly to be a patriarch.

Oh, did she?

Does she know what that means?

Well, I think, yes, enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How did you feel when she said that?

Well, proud and ashamed.

Welcome to womanhood.

I'm a feminist, but

I'm wearing jeans that are much too small for me because I saw them today in a pile of old things that I was going through and thought I won't fit into those

because I wore these last year, and I'm pretty sure based on other evidence that I'm not going to fit into those.

And I thought, don't put them on, you'll just depress yourself.

And then I thought, what does it matter?

Because I'm body neutral, which is the new thing now beyond body positivity,

in which

I don't have strong feelings about my body.

I don't have to love it all the time.

And I don't have to, I just, but I can't judge it either.

I just have to be neutral.

So I thought, if I put these jeans on and they don't fit, I will feel neutral.

And I put them on and they fit.

I was like, yes!

And I thought, that's not neutral.

But I thought, I'll leave them on because, you know, they just, I mean, I had to lie down to put them on.

And it was a challenge actually in the loo because I could quickly go to the loo before.

And I think, oh, how am I going to get these back up?

So I had to do a sort of, you know, that kind of standing lie.

And then

now,

to be honest, my heart rate is a little lower than it should be.

So if I pass out at any point, it is due to a lack of feminism in how how I see my party.

God, just like being on stage with John Oliver again.

I'm a feminist, but I'm self-employed, and I think I pay myself slightly more than I would if I was a woman.

J just a hunch.

And

I went self-employed at at twenty-four, and uh maybe if I'd been a woman I wouldn't have employed myself just

to worry that my family situation would change.

I'm a feminist but I consider firing myself each year for the same reasons.

I'm a feminist, but once I was walking in New York and a man was sitting on some construction scaffolding that was spanning the footpath, he leapt onto a bar, did a double flip and then a double somersault onto the ground, pulled his shirt up, showed his abs and said, hey baby, can I get your number?

And while the vast majority of me knows that abs and flipping is not the correct vector to judge mate suitability, there was a little evolutionary bit of me that was like, yeah, that's all I need to know about you.

Did you give him your number?

I did not.

You could have, that's selfish, you could have given it to me.

I don't.

I should have given you a number just for another woman and passed paid it forward.

Yeah, well, I sometimes feel like a bad feminist because I do look at this hashtag body love stuff and I'm like, do I have to love?

No, we're now we're past all my elbows are in the right places and I probably do the right amount of poo can that be enough

your dad's right now

do you have another one Andy?

Yeah, I'm a feminist, but I think having two X chromosomes sends a very negative message.

I mean, X is a very negative letter, isn't it, Deborah?

No, no, not interest, or I'm voting for Brexit.

Whereas Y,

that stands for yes.

Positive, but also with an X, inquisitive.

So,

I don't.

I thought it through.

I don't mean to give you a TED talk about intersectional feminism.

Right.

But XX and XY is no longer how we determine gender.

Oh, right, okay.

Oh, Alice has walked out in horror.

He hasn't done any puns yet.

Oh, no, sorry.

Alice has walked out to get her educational banjo

to teach Andy about intersectional feminism

with a four-stringed instrument.

Good work in my opinion.

I'm a feminist, but when I saw the picture of the First Wives Club, as no one else is calling it, the gang of global first ladies at the G7 last week, my first thought was that Brigitte Macron was by far the best dressed.

Did you see her cold shoulder scarlet dress and tan Mary Joan Heal?

It was like if Carrie Bradshaw had married a world leader.

Melania Trump was in flats and I did think, make an effort.

I immediately thought, no, no, I thought, obviously I rethought that.

Obviously, I constantly trained myself towards feminists.

I thought,

how could you,

that's not the worst thing about Melania Trump.

But she just looked a little casual, like she, you know, when she wears those sort of, you know, she wore that jacket that said, I don't give a fuck or whatever.

I just thought, it's going along with that, you know.

No.

But overall, I'm wearing flats myself.

I'm not judging you if you're wearing flats.

I'm just judging Melania Trump.

All right,

I'm a feminist, but I'm going to sing this song and I'm going to take Deborah's microphone rather than Andy's.

Is that a feminist thing or an anti-Semitic thing?

Why can't it it be both?

Let's build a better world.

Don't objectify me, I'm more than just a snack.

I'm more than my incredible body and my frankly excellent rack.

Don't think of me as sexy, except a little bit.

Like, respect my mind the most, but don't totally ignore my tits.

I want you to find me fine, but get a boner for my mind.

I want to be in all your fantasies, but not for you to think it's appropriate to tell me.

I want you to find me hot and think about me quite a lot, and want to bang me all the time, but not enough to talk to me about it on the train line

or any other form of public transport.

When you treat me like an object, almost all of me will object.

My mind's as full of thoughtful thoughts as my booty's full of sexy sex.

Yeah, sexy, sexy sex.

Everybody, sexy, sexy sex.

I won't be young and hot forever, and I'm too confident to care.

I don't want to know about Yabona, but I want to have a sense it's there.

Just a hint of it in the air.

I want you to want to bang me, but I don't want to have to want to bang you.

I just want to know I could make you want to bang me if I ever wanted to.

Which I don't.

But if I did, I I wouldn't want you to reject me or say that you respect me too much to have sex with me Which a surprising number of people have said to me in the past is extremely frustrating and hurtful

Between my body and my mind I'll choose my mind it's true But in mind over matter let's not pretend that matter doesn't matter just a little bit too

Age and death will take me as age and death take on

As with all man's prideful works my amazing tits will one day fall

From Rome to California, no city

can last.

So take the time to raise a glass to everybody's passing us.

Ideally, consensually or at least unobtrusively and not in a way that implies their autonomy comes second to your desire.

When you treat me like an object, almost all of me will object.

My mind's as full of thoughtful thoughts as my booty's full of sexy sex give yourselves a round of applause

Alice Fraser everybody

first first musical accompanied I'm a feminist bot we've ever had that that's the first the first I think the first song we've ever had on the bugle

and also easily the best Bob Dylan cover I've heard

yeah if you don't count John Oliver singing, which I don't.

Is it time for the

Chris?

You've been mashing up the theme tubes, haven't you?

Literally for minutes.

Right, yeah.

Well,

let's kick it off.

The Guilty Bugle, audio newspaper for a feminist world.

That was amazing.

You're hired.

Tom Zielinski's fired.

You're now the producer of The Guilty Feminists.

Well, here we are for The Guilty Bugle.

Welcome.

This is episode one of

The Guilty Bugle.

Also doubling up as issue

4120 of The Bugle.

We are here at King's Place in London.

Is King's Place really appropriate for the guilty feminist, Deborah?

King's Place, a location dripping with patriarchal hierarchy.

Well, listen,

you can't smash the patriarchy unless you're within it.

You can't smash it from.

This is the problem.

Feminists are always doing like 48-hour shows about vaginas under a bridge.

What we need to be doing is going into the seats of power.

That's where you can undo them.

We are

what I have learned is called,

what do you call it when a tick's on a dog

parasite parasite we are we are parasitical feminists

parasitical feminists and can you edit out the bit where I said what's a tick on a dog

because I don't want people to think I didn't know that on my own

now they're gonna leave it in because she did funny laugh It's watching me car does all the time.

He does.

He does that.

And then they have to cut to him to see where that noise is coming from.

So a woman's made a joke, the camera cannot stay on her because it has to be on who's going.

It's a strategy.

I'm telling you, you heard it here.

I'm bringing you down, Carl, and I'm bringing you down from the inside.

As soon as I'm allowed on one of your shows, I will be bringing you down from the inside.

We are recording on the 1st of September 2019.

Again, is this really an appropriate date, the 1st of September for this show?

On this day in 1532, Anne Boleyn was made a hereditary peer by her boyfriend VIII, subsuming her into the patriarchy before less than four years later, quite literally ghosting her.

Let me emphasise there are better ways of making sure you're not tempted to get back with your ex.

Not necessarily more effective, but better.

On the 1st of September 1914, the last known passenger pigeon, Martha, died in Cincinnati Zoo.

A lady pigeon left alone by the slaughter of her entire species by men.

Is this an appropriate date for this gig, I ask you?

At a time when women still didn't have the vote in the USA, let alone lady pigeons.

And on this day in 1969, 50 years ago today, there was a coup in Libya that brought Muammar Gaddafi to power.

But what if a woman had come to power instead?

What, for example, if tennis star and equality campaigner Billie Jean King

had been given the keys to number one Tripoli

instead of nationalist despot Muama or even women's liberation superstar Gloria Steinem.

Wouldn't Libya be better off now?

I'm just saying it's a strange day to hold this show.

Yeah, almost certainly Libya would be better off under Gloria Steinem.

Almost certainly.

Almost certainly there'd be 50% less bloodshed.

I mean it would have been swiftly renamed Labia, but

family show, Alice.

as always a section of the bugle is going where

it's going where

correct this week a special

guilty bugle section in the bin

this is high tech this show seriously high tech

we have

forgotten male feminist heroes of history in the bin this week,

including Pierre Courchon, the pro-English 15th century French bishop who put Joan of Arc on trial and then had her burned at the stake.

No preferential treatment for Joan just because she was a woman.

Bishop Courchon was an equal opportunities burner at the stake centuries before it became fashionable.

Jesus Christ,

great feminist.

I mean, he might have employed only men-only apostles in his top 12 and had an all-male gospel-writing team in his PR office.

And of course, he dug up his dead buddy because he thought there should be a man of the house, Shay Lazarus.

But I mean, besides that, there were some feminist angles to Jesus.

He turned water into wine, not beer, which is statistically a much more popular drink with women.

And he was known to use a female podiatrist as well.

Unusual at the time.

And he was a real hunk, but he didn't exploit that for his own gratification.

Seriously.

Actually, green boats.

Look at that.

What a six-pack.

Groomed as well.

Does he whacked?

Do you think he waxed?

I suspect that's an image of when the incredible Hulk was crucified.

I'm Jewish, so it's fine.

And another forgotten male feminist hero from history, Krakatoa, the

celebrity male volcano that erupted in 1883.

There it is.

In one of the most spectacular acts of geopolitical protest in history,

Krakatoa exploded in Indonesia 1883.

We don't need to accept things as they are, blasted the celebrity volcano, and just 10 years later, women got the vote in New Zealand.

Are you suggesting this was a protest volcano?

Yes, it was.

I'll do a lot of research for this, Democrat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So you've brought to us so far

the guilty feminist who killed Joan Art.

I think it's fair to say we'd put that in the guilty feminist category.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Have you heard of Jesus?

For those who haven't, prominent turn of the first millennium Middle East-based magician and raconteur.

Our Lord and Saviour for some of us.

So I'm going to it from a Jewish angle.

He cost us a lot of market share, that's all.

Splitter.

Also in the bin this week, Alice.

Yes, another section in the bin this week.

A women's magazine pull out.

Style tips based on 14th century fashion, including who needs a bath and how to rock your three remaining teeth while bearing your 12th child.

Traditional marriage tips, ever long from the olden days where you could just meet a man, buy his daughter, make awkward conversation over the breakfast table till she died in childbirth.

Dowry bargaining tips and lead-based paints that will wipe away every trace of the pox.

A sexy sealed section with tips for how to choose the most empowering sexual positions,

including the who are you calling reverse cowgirl?

It's reverse cow woman, thank you.

And five ways in which woman on top is a metaphor for how taking power also comes with a lot of responsibility and work.

As well as which, a bird's life section, she-gulls, what life is like in the male-dominated seagull game.

game, turn your seagull into a seagal with special fish-flavored bird lipstick, putting the hot tip into fighting over hot chips, and seven sassy tunes to spice up your endless screaming into the cold ocean wind.

She mus section for female emus on how to be a giant flightless bird with beautiful eyes and deadly dinosaur legs that'll kick your guts out, just like the girls from Sex in the City,

and a flamingo section: 18 Ways to Go yourself.

That section in the bin.

Right, are we ready for the?

Well, we don't really have a top story.

We usually have a top story in the bugle this week for our top story.

Have you got a jingle for it anyway, Chris?

This week, we are going to ask planet Earth, how feminist are you?

Earth, clearly, one of the top planets in the solar system

on most metrics

other than gender equality, which it's struggled with throughout most of its long and illustrious history.

Earth famously is a mother,

albeit one that has on occasions exhibited an alarming level of indifference towards her many children and her uncontrollable menagerie of pets and her increasingly unkempt garden.

I'm not judging, but if Mother Earth was a human, social services would definitely be involved.

But how feminist is Earth?

We're going to try and get a numerical value on this based on what has been happening in the news this week.

And there's been some hugely exciting news in terms of Barbie dolls.

Deborah?

Oh, yes.

So I don't know if you've seen this story,

but Barbie has released a new series of influential women dolls, or Inspiring Women Barbie series.

These include

Sally Ride,

who was the first American in space, Frida Carlo, and just this week they've released Rosa Parks.

And this is great news because Rosa Parks Barbie comes with the dream bus and matching political bandwagon.

Now, the biggest problem I can see here is that as far as I can make out, like most Barbies, except for horse riding Barbie and gymnastic Barbie, she does not have bendable knees.

Which I think is really fundamental to her taking a stand.

The most famous thing about Rosie Parks is she sat down and wouldn't stand up, and this doll can't do that.

There's just not enough attention to detail.

I mean, I feel it's uncomfortable anyway.

What are the kids going to do?

I mean, it's important for children to learn the history of civil rights, but let's play Woolworth sit-ins does seem rather awkward.

Most Barbies, in my experience, end up with their head ripped off naked down the back of a sofa.

It feels like a little not okay to make it a Rosa Parks doll, if only for that reason.

On the other hand, Mattel and the makers of Barbie have always had a keen interest in civil rights.

Rosa Parks first took her stand in 1955 and Barbie wasn't invented until 1959.

Now, because they are so interested in civil rights and always have been, their first black doll was Barbie's friend Christie, who was released speedily in 1968, only a mere 13 years after Rosa Parks became famous for her brave stand.

When people said that wasn't quite good enough, because why can't Barbie be black?

Why does it have to be Barbie's friend?

Mattel quickly jumped into action and launched Black Barbie in 1980, only 12 years later.

But unfortunately, she still had Caucasian features, and so that was speedily rectified in 2009.

Wikipedia reports, in 2016, Mattel expanded this line to include seven skin tones, 22 eye colours, and 24 hairstyles.

Part of the reason for this change was declining sales.

Really committed to equality there as soon as they started to lose vast quantities of money.

Mattel also teamed up with, and this is true, Oreo cookies to make Oreo fun Barbie as a friend girls could share America's favorite cookie with.

Now, Mattel manufactured both a black and a white Barbie to go with the Oreos

until the African-American community pointed out that Oreo is a derogatory term meaning a person that is black on the outside and white on the inside.

This is a direct quote: the doll was unsuccessful, and Mattel recalled the unsold stock, making it sought after by collectors.

If you've got one, hold on to it.

In May 1997, Mattel introduced ShareASmile Becky in their interest

to put a quality into the world, a doll in a pink wheelchair, until a 17-year-old high school student with cerebral palsy pointed out that the doll would not fit into the elevator of Barbie's $100 dream house.

Mattel announced that it would redesign the house in the future to accommodate the doll's wheelchair.

But seriously, Mattel are interested in

inequality.

I mean, hugely.

So we know this, we know this

because of the 2015 report where China Labour Watch sent undercover investigators to the factories where they're made and found that there was excessive overtime, unpaid work, broken labour contracts, poor safety measures, and few paths for labourers to seek recourse, breaking quite a lot of Chinese labour laws.

Mattel's spokesperson said that the company is in reviewing of the report, so that's good.

And they also promised to bring out sweatshop Barbie as part of their

incredible women who've had to put up with all kinds of shit range.

I think it's good for children to play with toys made by their peers around the world.

I mean, I feel like it's not quite fair to put this level of political burden on an extruded plastic doll.

Let Barbie be what Barbie is, a hyper-feminine doll based on the unrealistic proportions of a German sex toy whose ultimate purpose is to float free through the ocean and choke out a short-sighted leopard seal.

I feel like if your daughter can only access feminist concepts if you make them palatable via the channel of barbification, then you maybe are a worse parent than you think.

And you deserve a child that thinks that Rosa Parks' underpants were welded on.

Does Rosa Parks have pants?

Because most Barbies don't have pants.

No, they just have a welded on sort of.

So the olden days Barbies, this is the thing, olden days Barbies just had a crease.

Now they've put frilly underpants on top.

It's horrifying.

They've put underpants that you can't get off on.

Yeah.

That wasn't meant to sound like it sounded.

Yes, but it did.

The next feminist Barbie rollout, they bringing out a Barbie of the Supreme Court celeb, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

There's an Angela Merkel Barbie coming out.

The boundary-busting snooker referee Michaela Tab,

shortly amount of time.

Elizabeth Bathery, the pioneering Hungarian 16th and 17th century serial killer, described as likely the most brutal Barbie in history.

And Piglienska Porkinskayeva, the former TV star and puppet, better known as Miss Piggy,

from a family of Russian immigrants, of course.

Her parents escaped the Soviet Union in the 1960s.

Her father, Sosagir Porkinskayev, was

a puppet pig in government farming infomercials in the 1950s during the Khrushchev years, of course.

I digress.

Let's move on to

feminism boundary busting crime sprees now.

Alice, you are our

feminism criminal space correspondent.

Yes, Andy.

Breaking through the barriers of the space crime continuum now, a NASA astronaut or nastronaut has been accused of accessing her ex-partner's bank account from space.

Anne McLean told the New York Times through a lawyer that she was merely making sure the family's finances were in order and there was enough money to pay the bills and care for Miss Warden's son, who they'd been raising together prior to the split.

She claimed she wasn't doing anything wrong.

And one small withdrawal for woman, one giant leap for interstellar criminal womankind.

I mean, big book, Buzz Aldrin.

So you played golf on the moon.

This woman hacked into a bank from a space station.

It is only a matter of time before spammers catch on and we start having to field emails from Alpha Centaurian princes with implausible inheritance and cut price cialis from the dark side of Uranus.

Hot signals are in your quadrant of the galaxy and they want to chat.

It is a truly extraordinary story.

The headline I saw,

Astronaut Accessed Her Ex-Wife's Bank Account from space.

Now in terms of sentences, you would not have predicted existing

30 years ago.

There's a lot going on in the world.

I can't get internet banking to work in candor.

How did this woman do this?

She deserves a prize just for being able to do it.

I'd just like to say that on behalf of my client, Space Station's Anna McLean,

because I do side, I'm a side barrister,

that she tried to make her lazy, no-good ex-husband pay his fair share of child support, and he replied, There's no way on earth you'll see a penny from me.

She took that literally and did what any self-respecting mother would do by immediately setting off for the closest space station.

Her estranged spouse, who was actually called, truly called summer warden, is now regretting saying that she'll get half the house over my dead body.

My favourite, by the way, my favourite space woman story is about Sally Ride when she was sent up for a week in space and the NASA scientists who were preparing her for the journey sent up a hundred tampons just in case.

Yes.

Yeah, they really don't know about those things.

How many is for a week?

It's about 100, right?

I did think when I heard this story

that

women scorned going to space to unleash their fury is finally a sort of science fiction I'd be interested in watching.

If instead of Alien, that film had been called Animony, I would be there.

If instead of Doctor Who, it was Doctor Who said he loved me but turned out to be intimidated intimidated when I started to make more money than him and ran off with his Netflix account, I would be all over that.

If if instead of Guardians of the Galaxy, it was you are this child's legal fucking guardian and will you take him because I I have a holiday booked in another galaxy, you absolute waste of space.

Yes, please.

If instead of Star Wars it was f men.

Brackets not all men.

I'd be all over it.

I think this is a new genre and I think I think Hollywood is soon to to soon soon to follow.

Yeah, it's a matter of time.

Of course, it's no great surprise that the first crime in space should be committed by a woman because this is a continuum that goes back to the first crime on Earth perpetrated by the first criminal of them all, the notorious fruit rustler Eve.

Meanwhile in other space news, Russia has launched a life-sized humanoid robot for the first time into space to do tasks considered too dangerous for humans.

Like being in space

and being in outer space.

Presumably they sent up a life-size cananoid robot into space first.

It's a little joke for any Leica fans out there.

Different from the old Russian tactic when there were tasks too dangerous for humans to do, and which they used to just get loads and loads and loads of humans to do them anyway.

The robot is 1.8 meters tall and

male.

I think, surely it should have been a lady robot, this pioneering space robot here.

Surely they should have got a lady robot to do it.

I mean, why don't we be working on it for 15 years?

What they've essentially got is a teenage boy robot.

It is a matter of time before he tries to put his robot wang into a crucial control panel.

Matter of time.

Fact.

Alice, you are our urinating in space news correspondent.

Yes, Russia has invented

Russia has unveiled its new so-called M prototype new space suit, but the design may have to be changed to continue a decades-old tradition, which is weeing on the bus you get out of on the way to the spaceship, which is apparently a tradition that was started by Yuri Gagarin, or as he was known, Yurin Gagarin, or as he was also known, Yuri Gagurin,

who famously had to relieve himself on the back wheel of the bus that was taking him to the launch pad in 1961.

This stop has apparently been replicated from every launch since,

including female astronauts who bring along a vial of their urine to splash on the wheel instead of doing the logistics involved.

Lazy ladies.

The same policy exists at the comedy store.

As a woman, you do need to bring a vial of your own sperm to throw at a biscuit before you're allowed on.

Not your own sperm, obviously.

You have to collect it.

It's very similar.

It's very similar.

Any male-dominated industry will have such fraternity house

rituals, and it's only right that if women want to be in the kitchen, they've got to put up with the heat or something.

Isn't that right, Andy?

You've invented them.

You're the inventor of such rituals.

Me personally,

as a representative of your people.

And that's absolutely correct.

Your boy people.

What's the most extraordinary ritual you've ever done?

Or did you, as a kid, did you ever play the biscuit game or anything similar?

I did not play the biscuit game.

I don't know what that is.

Don't tell me.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, your dad doesn't.

No, by the way, he's still.

Oh no.

Although recently.

What if they're gluten-intoli?

Never mind.

That's a good way to get out of the biscuit game.

Say, oh, I'm gluten-free.

Recent minutes of cabinet meetings.

Anyway, let's not go down that.

Did you ever, are you Oxbridge, Andy?

You seem Oxbridge.

Did you ever

have a head?

Did I ever f a dead pig's head?

Is that what you're asking?

No, is it?

What I was gently getting out around the sides?

No, no, I've never,

to this day.

It's not kosher, is it?

No, it's not.

I think it's kosher to put your penis in the pig's mouth, just not to put the pig's penis in your mouth.

Well, I mean, there's different ways of interpreting the texts, aren't there?

I mean, you are talking to the man whose wedding cake was a leg of ham.

Some breaking news is coming through.

The latest celebrity sex pestilence news, the retired former ancient Greek god Zeus, has just become the latest high-profile celebr to be charged with historic sex offences.

Matter of time, really.

Police in Athens searching a library discovered a collection of what they describe as highly incriminating myths.

Classic pattern of behaviour, an overpowerful entitled Male abusing his position of influence, the now disgraced ex-king of Olympus and one-time god of thunder, was denied bail after turning himself into a pint of lager and pouring himself down a stenographer's blouse.

I always feel sorry for Zeus.

I always feel sorry for Zeus having such low self-esteem, despite the fact that he was the king of the gods.

He was like, What have I got to do to impress her?

I'll be a swan.

It's always the way.

Look at Trump.

The problem is low self-esteem with Greek gods and current dictators.

It's never been any different.

The male ego has been getting us into trouble since the Mount Olympus

incident.

Yeah, it was just Olympus before Zeus mounted it.

Shall we do Q ⁇ A or happiness now?

Any room?

I mean, so many ways you could take that sentence, Andy.

I'm happy to quanda.

Shall we do it?

Let's do a QA.

We've got

who has any questions for the panel on any of the issues raised in this show or anything else in the universe?

Yes, over there.

Beautifully done.

Classic.

He's following the traditional bugle thing of being as far away from the microphone as possible.

So, where does Buff Jesus fall on Hotties from History?

So, for those of you unfamiliar with it, in the

early days of the bugle,

there was a section entitled Hotties from History in which our listeners would

share with us their

historical crushes on long-dead figures.

And I believe Lucy, the Australopithecus afarensis skeleton, actually featured in that.

Someone out of

the real horn for her.

And I believe she was discovered in the Horn of Africa as well, I think, ironically.

So, I mean, Jesus, not my type of guy.

I'll be honest, but as I said, we've kind of covered that ground.

Debra, any

sort of long-dead historical figures that you've secretly held a candle for?

I mean,

I mean, it's

no.

Actually, I'll tell you what, biblically speaking,

probably someone like

a Samson, you know, someone who was sort of like really powerful and, you know,

just

he'd be able to throw up against a bookcase, wouldn't he, Samson?

Yeah, but you know, he'd be the white guy with dreadlocks.

I can't cut my hair, babe, but it's my strength.

What about David?

Because

there's the two Davids.

There's the David who's the underdog up against Goliath, obviously would be cheering for him.

David perving on Bathsheba and having her husband killed, not so much.

So if you could get David between those two incidents,

yes.

Well, for those of you who are listening and not looking, this is a

hulky image of Jesus.

You wouldn't like him when he's resurrected.

Any other questions?

Or yes, down row down the front?

Maybe one for Deborah, but also anyone else.

What is the best way to

put off or

try and what's the word when you like try and

get someone to a parasite?

I can just see my boyfriend behind me probably staring at me like, oh my gosh, just doing it again.

When in-laws,

when in-laws raise the questions about, oh, children, and oh, you'll want children someday, and you're like,

what's the best way to kind of combat that?

Just say, what more?

Explain to them if we all have more children, climate change will mean they're dead in 12 years, or at least underwater.

And either way, not ideal.

Or just say them, what will have to happen with your lot?

I mean, that's going to cause certain tensions in the relationship, I suppose.

Alice, any suggestions?

Ask them about their sex life.

or tout the soon-to-be technology of artificial wombs so they can make their own grandchildren in a bag.

That was a Morrissey song, wasn't it?

Grandchildren in the bag.

Any other questions?

Any other questions for the panel?

What a deeply incurious audience.

Oh, here we go.

I've taunted someone into response.

Only because I'm intimidated.

No.

What is the strangest or most absurd initiation ritual that any of you have been privy to?

Maybe not firsthand, but a friend had experienced?

No, well, as I said, I've not really had any personally, but my mother converted to Judaism, and that sounds pretty fing weird, being

bathed by a rabbi.

Oh, oh, a friend of mine, and I can't name names, has a father who's quite a famous mole in New York.

And apparently, what they do with the foreskins is they put them in Central Park.

They bury them in Central Park, they say a nice little thing over them.

So Central Park, like three inches under, is like 35%

and

careful what fruit you eat from the trees.

To be honest, that is an initiation ritual I did go through aged eight days.

It's something I've been trying to forget, to be honest.

There is a man in the Melbourne comedy scene at the moment.

I call him Derek McHugh in my show because it sounds like a fake name and is his name.

And he regularly hits on all the young women coming into the scene, but in quite a harmless way.

And I feel like he's your level one, he's your training wheels creep.

Like it's quite important to work up your skills on Derek.

Because if you can't get past him, the rest of the industry.

What do you have to do to Derek?

Well, he'll say, oh, do you want to lift home?

Oh.

And your job is to go, no.

But he's sort of very, like, he's very like, ah.

Like, you can see him coming.

He's a very low-pressure introduction to the.

You know, this is going on the internet, though, right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's also not really his name.

I just think that's the name of the name.

He's just become a name.

His real name is.

I'll tell you after.

He's just become Prime Minister.

Don't they all?

I just want to say a big, big thank you because it was a sort of going out on a limnus to say, hey, we'd like to combine our podcast on the bugle.

I'm a big fan of the bugle.

So I was so delighted when I phoned Andy and said, would you be interested?

And his people got back to me.

It was really nice.

And said, sure, as long as you do all the work and I get half the money.

I was like, I'm so into it.

I love you.

Also, I know he's got John Oliver's phone number and I don't yet.

So, you know, there's that.

I'm going to LA.

So, thank you so much, Andy.

Thank you so much.

Big round applause, Randy men.

Thank you.

An incredible Alice Fraser.

And a wonderful fuck you, Chris.

And everyone at King's Place.

Thank you so much for coming out.

Please stay for drunk, Guilty Feminists Solving Prime.

Anything you want to tell them before we go?

Anything you want to plug?

No, no, but give it up for Deborah Francis White.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming to the Guilty Bugles.

See you next time.

We hope you enjoyed the crossover show.

To listen to more from the Guilty Feminists, go to guiltyfeminist.com or just ask around.

Don't forget there are live bugle shows imminent in Glasgow on the 7th of October and Newcastle on the 8th of October at the Stand Comedy Clubs.

To end the show this week, here are some more lies about our voluntary subscribers.

To join them and support the show with a one-off or recurring contribution contribution of whatever size you can and want to contribute, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

Chris, music please.

Mats Jurand Fiscom does not think it is worth trying to reason with rocket scientists anymore.

Since they became accepted as the default benchmark for knowledge, says Mats Jurand, they think they're untouchable.

Alan Hill thinks the phrase, bricking it, should refer to careful long-term planning rather than fear.

All three of the little pigs, reasons Alan, were understandably fearful of wolf death, but the one who bricked it was the only one who actually planned sensibly.

Lania Simmons accuses Alan of victim blaming regarding the first two little pigs.

Let's be clear, the wolf is the one to blame here, and in fact, building a house of straw or sticks is actually very environmentally friendly.

Poppycock, retorts Carla Hoffman.

Building a house of straw is ostentatious architectural and environmental virtue signalling, which will inevitably require an expensive rebuild in the not-too-distant future.

James Tunnycliffe, meanwhile, wishes the pigs had collaborated on a single communal residence using all three of their favoured materials.

This obsession with individual home ownership, says James, engenders socially divisive economics.

Michael Grossman suggests that more effort be made to integrate wolves into mainstream society in future fairy tales.

He says the constant demonization of wolves creates an increasingly entrenched cycle in which the wolves see aggressively destructive piggression as their only way out of the woods.

Escher Mehta wonders if the root of the problem wasn't entrusting the pigs with too much self-determination in the first place.

It's nice in theory, but it's outside their core skill set as a species to build houses.

Their core skill set of course is snouting around in filth and having tasty legs when dead.

Sandra Schmidt adds that there are a surprising number of pigsploitation fables knocking around and speculates that humans use this as a justification for farming the creatures for food.

Meanwhile, in a slightly overdue changing changing of the subject, Dom Serlis reckons that if Michelangelo had been around today, he'd probably have won a TV cookery show, maybe with an elaborately designed dessert, and gone on to be a celebrity quiz show host.

Aaron Green counters that the Sistine Chapel star would, in fact, have been an advertising creative making really fancy car ads for television, or one of those ads for something when you have no idea what it is they're trying to sell you, but you think that if you ever find out, you would probably be tempted.

Here endeth this week's lies.

Thank you to all who've contributed.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.