Kashmir versus Brexit - Bugle 4117

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please welcome Andy Zoltman.

Hello buglers!

Thank you.

How are you all?

You are hooray, good.

That is probably not the average response of people in the world right now, but I'll take it for this gig.

Welcome to the bugle.

I am Andy Zoltzman, and a very warm welcome and an aggressively Masonic handshake to

the Newtown Theatre here in Edinburgh, also known as Freemasons Hall, also technically known as the Grand Lodge of Ancient Free and Accepted Masons of Scotland.

Freemasons traditionally of course insist that all members profess belief in a supreme being.

So come on people, bow down and fing worship!

Me or Chris, your call.

Probably go for him, he's better organised than I am.

I think I'll be quite a bad supreme being to be honest.

No, you're perfect.

No one really knows what's going on.

It's fine.

Yeah, I guess when you come to think of it, I keep forgetting to respond to communications.

I tend not to get things done on time.

No real tangible creations.

It's not too dissimilar to some prominent Judeo-Christian deities I could mention.

I'm not a God-fearing man.

And

that feeling is entirely mutual.

So here we are.

Welcome to the

Pugle Live on the 16th of August 2019.

Yes, the 200th anniversary of the Peterloo massacre, which this audience evidently enthusiastically supported.

A protest against unfair parliamentary representation that took place in Manchester led to the deaths of several innocent people brutally put down by the military and then an ensuing crackdown on dissent and freedom or as it is known by Jacob Rees Mogg, the high point in British political history.

It led to the founding of the Guardian newspaper in accordance with the protesters' demands for navel-gazing below-the-line comments on opinion pieces on news websites.

On this day in 1858, US President James Buchanan inaugurated the first transatlantic telegraph cable.

Yeah, let's hear it!

The transatlantic telegraph cables.

Are you American or just a fan?

You are.

Front row.

Welcome.

I mean, Donald Trump for me has been an inverse Russian doll of curry.

Every time you think he's reached his limit, out pops an even bigger

50 years ago as we speak the Woodstock Festival was up and running.

The lineup on this day, the second day of the Woodstock Festival, 16th of August 1969, included The Who, The Grateful Dead, Credence Clearwater Revival, Rod Jane and Freddie.

That's one for our older listeners.

Sniveling Derek and the Wingers, Leonid Brezhnev, curious booking.

Auntie Mildred and the Buckets of Sick, and Jacob and the Harvest, which was

Jacob Rees-Mogg's college band.

Would you believe?

Described by reviewers at the time as provocative, priapic, and like no other chamber music troupe we've ever seen.

It's sadly disbanded after the harpsichordist died after overdosing on croquet.

As always,

section of the bugle is going where?

It's going where, Edinburgh?

is entirely correct.

It is going in the bin.

In the bin this week, today is Men's Grooming Day.

I mean, every day is men's grooming day for me.

Do you know how long it took me to get my hair looking like this?

44 years, 10 months, and 8 days.

Now,

we review.

I'm not a piece of meat.

We review the latest male grooming accessories, including

the

ear pointer.

With the goblin look is increasingly popular after the success of the Hollywood blockbuster Eric the Randy goblin.

And the OT Tech ear pointer can almost painlessly scrape off up to 1.5 millimeters of ear flesh each day,

sculpting your ears to an elegantly elfin point within just a fortnight, warning may cause unquenchable bleeding and or tinnitus.

The Invisibeard.

If you'd like to stay up with the latest facial trends and enjoy stroking your whiskers but hate the way that beards look, the Invisibird could be for you.

It gives you the best of both worlds using Russian KGB developed technology to make your bristles invisible from most viewing angles but

enabling you to stay hip and stroke your chin like a beat poet.

The Neck News Info Scarf, part neckwear, part news ticker.

That's gotta be the future of facts.

And the conscientous E-Tear duct, a simple eye accessory, a pouch of liquid shaped like a cute mallard that you pop under your eyelids.

A Bluetooth-connected app will provoke tears when it detects a moving conversation to show how much you care about your world.

Now it's time to meet our two guests for today's live Bugle.

You ready to meet our two guests?

Good, because that would have been very awkward if that had been a no.

It's well, firstly, a great place to welcome him back to the Bugle's done many bugles many many live shows a man whose body speaks well he launched several thousand ships please give it up for Nish Kumar

Right, what the f is that?

But I mean, what.

So, we just got it out of the BBC archives.

I'll be honest with you, it's not as inaccurate as I would hope.

What I will say is that that body, so for buglers listening at home, Chris has photoshopped a picture of my face on the naked body of a gentleman who shares a skin tone with me and whose hands are tastefully covering his penis and testicles.

However, what I will say is that man is hairless, and if I was sat in that exact pose for a photo, it would look like I was wearing a sweater all over my body.

That's noted for next time.

Chris made that on the train, and he said, You know, it's weird.

You get a lot of strange things when you Google Naked Indian Man.

And

all I will say to that Chris is I really feel like you should have seen that coming also are you now banned from the train from London to Edinburgh yeah if anyone can offer a lift home that would be much appreciated Nice to see you both it's nearly we're in the same room and it's nearly the one year anniversary of the date last year when we did one of these live bugles that Andy's children attended and his son learned the word

Happy anniversary

to

one of the great fathers of our generation.

You've got to introduce them to all the various beauties of the English language.

And the world as it is, I mean, that's probably the word he's going to use more than any other.

I've been

around, I've been, since I last bugled, I've been in two of the world's smuggest countries, Ireland and Canada, who, by the way, can both go f themselves.

Ooh, we're Ireland!

Our referendums go the cool way!

Ooh!

Goddamn, Canada.

Oh, just because our Prime Minister approved an oil pipeline in the explicit face of opposition from Indigenous rights groups and environmental activists, but still, he's not a rapist.

So I guess

can smug.

By which I mean, thanks to all the buglers who attended shows I did in Kill Kenny in Montreal.

Also, I'm bugling drunk.

I mean, I say drunk.

I've had two sips of white wine.

Oh, man.

This is why I had to get rid of John.

Oh, well.

Well, in that case, I'm going to send this down.

And HBO, here I come.

Just reached a stage when there were three of us in every podcast.

Right, let's meet our

second guest, whom I'm assuming the graphic will not be quite the same as that one, Chris.

A tremendous pleasure to welcome her for her first live bugle in this hemisphere.

She did one of the Melbourne shows last year.

Please give a huge bugle welcome to the wonderful Aditi Mittal.

Thank you so much for having me, Andy.

I'm so excited.

I think they also Googled Naked Indian Man for my picture.

But that was the best they could come up with.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's what I always Google when I can't remember Gandhi's name.

Sorry, I'm a privately educated Brit.

That's just the way we roll.

I told my mum the line-up tonight, and my mum went, oh, a couple of Indians.

Well, one real one.

She was talking about Andy, though.

Yeah, she was talking about Andy.

Yeah, well, Andy drinks so much mango lussy.

He is technically, his DNA is technically Indian.

Our special secret, Nish.

Right, we have a bugle first today.

The world has been scarred by democratic squabbles, and we thought we'd introduce a new one here.

We're going to let you choose the top story this week because the world is so unbelievably unremittingly miserable, we thought we'd give you the choice of two unremittingly miserable stories to choose from.

Well, exactly.

Thank you, sir, for clarifying the joke.

I like a comedic heckle that is essentially yelling the subtext.

I think this Alan Partridge is a Wally.

You can choose between the latest from Brexit, Britain, or the Kashmir Crisis.

Fing hell, mate.

What an unappealing dinner that is.

Two issues with, well, let's be fair, British fingerprints all over the place.

Some

slightly more faded than others, but if you dust them both, they will be there.

So give us a cheer if you want to hear Brexit first.

And give us a cheer if you'd rather hear the Kashmir crisis first.

Let's hear about something fun like Kashmir.

Aditi,

it's an awkward subject for

a British person to

just, I mean,

because

yesterday was the anniversary of India gaining independence.

Yeah, 73 years of India's independence from you guys.

And you're welcome.

So grateful.

All children have to fly the nest at some point.

I would like to say that from my perspective, this is like when England plays India at cricket.

Win-win.

Chir, chill, cher, chill, nah, ru, nehro.

Those are your safe words.

Sorry.

And I told you to keep that secret.

Sorry.

So when the British left India, they treated India kind of like a Sunday roast.

They would just like cut it in any way possible

and then watch the juices leak out.

And

now

the gravy has come home, right?

Now the gravy has come home.

And

when Kashmir joined India, it was given special state, special status, which was

Article 370 in the Constitution,

which made it have its own constitution and its own flag and everything.

And then last week, we sneaky bastards,

we are now living in what is a fascisto-democratico

dictatorship.

So he is sort of

Prime Minister Narendra Modi, who is kind of known as

the strong man of India.

He has been sort of building himself in the most Putin-esque image, not the source, but

Putin.

And so he used Article 370 to

abrogate Article 370,

which was kind of like just paying your mom money to put you in jail.

And so that's what happened.

And

there's been a complete communications blackout for the past past 10 days.

But they're still trending Modi with Kashmir for some reason.

I don't know how.

If nobody in Kashmir is on the internet, I don't know what they're tweeting in support of.

And

I mean, I think they did the communications blackout to sort of prevent any kind of unrest.

But I think they discounted taking away Twitter from the average millennial.

And so there have been protests across the state.

And over a thousand people have sort of been taken police action against in the past ten days.

So in summary,

exactly how close are we to a massive catastrophic global conflagration?

So, you know, isn't it wonderful that it is also one of the most sort of fragile geopolitical boundaries in the world right now.

But India has a no-first use policy when it comes to nuclear power, which is also how most Indian men function in the best sense of

family show!

For the purposes of that joke, church hill, church hill.

And so, yeah, so unless, but Imran Khan has come out, the Prime Minister of Pakistan has come out and said he will give an appropriate response,

which I don't want to imagine what is.

But this is happening.

This is happening.

We're 10 days into it.

And well, based on what Imran Khan has done in the past, his appropriate response will be unplayable in-swinging Yorkers.

Hooping in from way outside off stump.

So

it's so frustrating to me that he is heading up Pakistan's government at the moment because this is exactly the sort of situation where I'd be like, Andy, can you not bring cricket into this?

But it's literally impossible.

Modi is, I mean,

for the diaspora.

Speaking as a representative of the Asian diaspora, Modi is a complicated and divisive figure.

Yeah, he's been accused of like genocide.

Yeah, yes.

Complicated and

I am actually, my mother has banned me from my family WhatsApp group because

she says that the fighting that happens on there over Modi is so unbelievably vicious that she will not let me on there.

And what I will say is, in terms of my family, I am slightly surprised that half of them, particularly some of the younger members, have swung so hard in favour of Modi because in terms of like our Hinduism, we are a very specific type of Hindu and that type is shit.

Like,

we're shit Hindus.

We're Shindus, right?

How shit are we at Hinduism?

I'll tell you how shit we are.

We all eat beef.

Hang on, Nish, hang on.

This could get very competitive.

Listen, Andy, it has not escaped my attention that my family is to Hinduism what you are to Judaism.

And

what former bit of your body have you had sewn back on?

Andy, I never thought I would say this.

Where did you have your foreskins sewn back onto?

Which incidentally is also a game show format I'm trying to sell

at the television festival next year.

Yes, my family's embrace or certain members of my family's embrace of Narendra Modi is essentially the equivalent of if it turned out you removed your shirt and you had a full torso length tattoo of Benjamin Net in your house.

Well, Modi as well,

he's been involved in perhaps the greatest TV show of the millennium so far.

That's right.

Man Meets Wild,

which is the Bear Grylls show, which is on Discovery Channel.

Yeah, this is not a fake, by the way.

This is genuinely the democratically elected leader of the world's biggest democracy with bare grills.

This is the fake.

His real name is not Bear, though.

It's Michael Edward.

But he was called Bear

after his sister named him that when he was a week old, because I think he was like rummaging through trash.

And

bread smelled terrible.

So that's why.

It wasn't because he disappeared off to the woods with a newspaper tucked under his arm.

Less is more.

Less is more.

And

I mean, it was, you know, again, in the sort of Modi myth-making industry, this was right up there while Kashmir was burning.

Modi was

with Bear Grills.

And,

you know,

this was supposed to be like an area that's teeming with tigers that they got into.

And then Behryl called them the ninjas of concealment, which was great because not a single tiger was seen.

And then they even sniffed elephant poop.

At some point they picked up elephant poop and then they sniffed it

which was the elephant leaving a review of the episode before it saw the episode.

And also there's like Modi told this amazing story.

He told this amazing story about how

when he was very young, he picked up a baby crocodile from a pond because he thought it was a a lizard.

And he took it home.

And the last time I heard of somebody picking up stuff from a pond and taking it home was when that lady kissed a frog.

So I'm assuming he kissed the crocodile and that's how we got our home minister Amit Shah.

The Guardian review of that program is absolutely extraordinary.

Chitra Ramaswamy described it as the most tasteless TV ever, a monstrous propaganda stunt.

And the final words of the review are genuinely, God help us all.

which

is the worst review of a TV program since the last time I was on a TV program

It's absolutely, but I don't understand why should we be surprised by this.

Why should we be surprised that Bear Grylls, a sort of eat an educated celebrity dung smeller, is doing a puff piece with India's quasi-dictator leader when two weeks ago, like the concept of shame is dead.

A fortnight ago, all of us refused to believe that a billionaire paedophile had committed suicide in jail in order to protect potentially members of the royal family and the president of America.

The concept of shame is.

Remember when we were angry about duck ponds?

Also, by the way, I think I speak for all of us when I say, after the Epstein story, I'm very excited about season seven of The Crown.

That shit is going to be dark.

But you know what they say?

Teach a man to fish and he will start a 14-season survival series about it.

Well, there's another version of that, of course, which underpins the whole of global economics, which is give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day, at least him a fishing rod, and he will feed you cut-price fish for a lifetime.

And you can always threaten to take his fishing rod away, so there's a very great incentive for him to fish and and fish hard otherwise no fish and therefore no income and then he and his family wouldn't be able to afford the imported processed fish which is all they can currently afford to eat so

somewhere along the line we've made some little mistakes let's um shall we move on to the um uh very amusing story of brexit britain

uh just quick breaking news um

the picture currently on the screen for listeners is of boris johnson and it has got a worse reaction than a naked photo of me.

No, that is his reaction to a naked photo of you.

As Churchill famously said, democracy is a rotting chicken nugget in a buffet of festering turds.

Did I get that?

But I'm paraphrasing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think by the time he finished with it, he'd thrown some shit about fighting them on the beaches.

But that was absolutely the essence.

That was the first draft.

It's,

I mean, Nish, I mean,

how are you enjoying your new Supreme Overlord?

Well, you know, Boris Johnson is an absolutely extraordinary individual.

Given that he's lost most of his jobs for a combination of incompetence and mendacity, and yet now has ended up Prime Minister.

We have to acknowledge at this point that Boris Johnson is less a man and more a performance art prank entitled, What If White Privilege Was a Guy?

And, you know, he's cracking on with Brexit, which at this point is essentially like the James Bond film franchise, in that no one can quite believe it's still going on.

No one has any idea how to improve it.

And it really seems to only exist for the benefit of four old white men in Kent.

The latest rainfall in the ceaseless shitstorm is that in an attempt to reinforce the message that we are absolutely committed to leaving on the 31st of October, the UK is going to stop attending the day-to-day meetings that inform all of the bloc's decision making?

And the Guardian obtained a quote that an official had said that this policy was an attempt to show the EU that this is do or die.

And I guess my question is, why is die an option?

Why is that the only two?

It's like somebody offering you a coin toss and saying heads or tails and you responding, knife.

Why is that option on the table?

You've put that option on the table.

I mean, listen, it's an absolute shitstorm.

Boris Johnson has also accused high-level

pro-Romain ministers of being in collaboration with the European Union.

Collaboration is a very specific term, very loaded term, and it either means one of two things.

It either means working with the Nazis, I think, or it means two RB artists working on a song.

and I'm pretty sure that Boris Johnson has very little

problem with RB music.

Like, I'm not even sure he's aware of it due to its high content of what we call black people.

Yeah, but you say that, Nish, but I mean, in terms of collaboration, just meant as a word for two people coming together to work constructively towards a mutually beneficial outcome.

But I mean, it is clearly tainted by history.

As you said, it refers to people who work with the Nazis against their own side in the Second World War.

So I guess unless you're an avid student of history, you might not necessarily know that.

And it made me think if only we had a Prime Minister who was not so busy devoting himself unceasingly to the improvement of the lives of the ordinary British working people that he had time to, for example, write a fucking book about Churchill.

I guess maybe he could have picked up on the nuance of collaboration somewhere in his studies of the Second World War.

I seem to remember reading some of the reviews of that Churchill book.

And from what I can glean, it was basically one sentence about Winston Churchill, and then Boris Johnson going, and now here are 10 chapters on how I'm basically the new Winston Churchill.

It do or die, such a why would you like?

I can't other thing, how what does that look like?

Knife, that's what it looks like.

What does it look like to us?

Because I like people I meet abroad are like genuinely are just like, What the f is going on?

Do you know?

It feels like y'all have been pregnant with a baby for three years.

And y'all still don't know what y'all are going to name it.

All you know is that when that baby comes out, it's going to be angry and your family are going to be disgusted.

Andy, I don't think you should make those kind of comments with your children in the room.

They were only

in the womb for about 18 months.

My son did genuinely genuinely have to delay his arrival slightly due to a tense test match.

But

it's

tough.

I mean, at least he didn't say, you know, we have ways of making you talk, which I guess is the next step in

Johnsonian rhetoric.

Do or die, though, I mean, I think, to be honest, that could be post-Brexit, as you look at how the economy is going to pan out with an aging demographic demographic and

pensions being a huge economic strain, do or die could just be an option given to everyone over the age of 75.

You either have to get a job, or I'm afraid

TikTok.

Yeah, well, why not?

Go all in.

I thought for a second you were going to suggest that that was going to be the options on a second referendum.

Inexplicably, 52% of the British electorate electorate voted to die.

Well, at least some of them have gone through with it already.

It's rare to see that in democracy.

You know, I'm just delighted.

This is the first time I'm seeing UK, like England wanting to leave some place willingly.

So,

come on, Adenti.

It just shows we've learned from our mistakes.

Neharoo, Naharoo, Naharoo.

God, we gave you cricket.

What more do you people want?

Imran Khan came out of that picture.

Oh, yeah, he did, yes.

There's also been some research this week that suggests that Britain's have spent £4 billion

stockpiling goods in preparation for a no-deal Brexit.

The surveys found that 800,000

Now Chris has brought up on the screen a picture of an amount of alcohol that can only be described as patriotic.

You know, lots of people are stockpiling on lots of different things.

People are stockpiling on food, people are stockpiling on drinks.

Andy has actually taken the unorthodox measure of stockpiling on cricket statistics

in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

His children don't eat, but he will be able to tell them Rahul Dravid's batting average in the 2003-04 India Australia series.

123.8, just in case anyone was wondering.

Then also, let's say.

Why have you only gone to one decimal place?

Sorry, I didn't.

I forgot that for a second there, I just challenged Roger Federer to tennis.

They're also stockpiling luxury cars.

Which is, I don't know how much that's a stockpilable item.

Who's like, I need my emergency BMW?

Bring it in and so is that sort of what everyone was worried about in Brexit what the luxury car yeah they were like I'm not gonna have my jaguars well yeah I mean that's that was always the concern of the

of the disenfranchised

silent majority

yeah that's right that's right the will of the people was for Nigel Farage to have another jag

That's what it was all about.

But it blows my mind that you're actually willing to put yourself through this like

semi-zombie apocalypse situation.

It's only semi.

It's not 28 days later, it's just 14 days later.

Also, I think if this comes out of the zombie apocalypse, then I think we've got zombie films wrong, to be honest, because what it is going to be, is going to be, you know, people who laid down their lives in various world wars coming back to life saying, for f' sake, you must be able to do better than this.

Come on, brace the f ⁇ ing bar.

I will say in defense of Hinduism as a religion, we do cremate our dead, and what that means is no zombies.

Or just a bunch of burned zombies.

That's even worse.

Oh my god, you're right, I hadn't thought it through.

It's worse than we could have imagined.

Flaming zombies!

Like Cheetos, but hotter.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Now that is a Bollywood script I will be co-writing with you.

Thank you.

What I've been stockpiling is potential future prime ministers

because it looks like we're going to start getting through them at a ferocious rate.

Kenneth Clark

and Harriet Harmon apparently open to

leading an

emergency government.

Quasi Kwateng government minister said Kenneth Clark was too old to do this job to be interim to be put to be prime minister of an emergency government because he's eighty, around about eighty.

And I think well f that is exactly what we need in politics now.

We need people to be leading this country who are on the precipice of death because it takes all the careerism out of it, doesn't it?

It means people can just focus on the job in hand and not worry about being re-elected next time because they will have been chosen by the Reaper instead.

In fact, I will go one step further even and say that anyone who is Prime Minister has a duty on the final day of their fifth year in office to commit ritual suicide off the white cliffs of Dover.

You cannot.

Very positive reception to the Prime Minister from England killing themselves from the largely Scottish audience.

There's great examples through history of honourable political suicides.

Oh, sorry, Andy.

I didn't realise you were running with this risk.

I'm running with it.

I'm jumping with it and I'm plummeting into the sea with it.

Incidentally,

Whitecliffe of Dover is the average Brexit voter.

Did you know that?

Mail the dismount.

I'll tell you what I'm sick of.

I'm sick of comedians saying that we can't keep coming up with Brexit jokes.

It is three years in, and Saltzman has just absolutely dropped a huge joke on you people.

That was an enormous joke.

That was an absolutely extraordinary.

That is the eighth wonder of the world.

Other options, the Dream Ouija Coalition of Attlee and Churchill, Owen Morgan, the Victorious World Cup.

I mean, he so many can get a job done over the line, albeit only with huge good fortune, which is really what we need.

The all-female cabinet, suggested by

Caroline Lucas, who's in favour of an all-female emergency cabinet?

I am as well, because I'm a man, and I admit that things have

fallen below our high standards that we set for ourselves as a gender,

you know, politically and socially.

And I think maybe the time has come, even I can accept that things haven't been going too well, whether you look at politics, you look at society, and the time has come for us to step back and allow women to take over for a while and go away, regroup, reassess, just examine what we're doing, learn from our mistakes, and come back in 18 months' time, refreshed for another 10,000 years of patriarchy.

10,000 more years!

10,000 more years!

There's actually, in terms of what happens next with Brexit, there has been no way of telling what's going to happen next until now.

Using a series of complicated mathematical formulae, I have determined what is going to happen over the next five years.

In an attempt to avoid doing the admin around Brexit, the United Kingdom will simply continue to vote to leave things.

First, the continent of Europe, then the United Nations, and finally the world.

At which point, we as a country will attempt to strap rockets underneath ourselves and blast off into space.

However, the process of strapping rockets to a country and shooting it into space will prove a little bit more complicated.

At which point, some experts will say it's a bit more difficult than we were initially led to believe.

But a lot of people will then just say, look, people voted to blast off into space.

Let's get on with blasting ourselves into space.

And when you say, how do you blast a country into space?

they'll say you're talking the country down when you should be talking it up into space.

And that is a direct quote from Ian Duncan Smith,

the delusionists, delusionists.

Because he essentially been saying that this week, he's now saying that people who are working against no deal are betraying the British people.

But most of those working against no deal want the deal to go through.

They're working to get Brexit through on the Theresa May deal or something close to it.

So now, Ian Duncan Smith is accusing the people who are trying to get Brexit done of betraying Brexit.

So it does seem that the Brexit hardliners have now disappeared so far up their own arses that they have now blasted straight out of their own faces again

and are now staring suspiciously at their own face saying, eh, too, brute.

Because it's true, like, men have shit the bed on this one.

Like, they genuinely have.

at this point at this point she's just like you know this is like the men are the drunk guy at the party

and she's like you're really wasted give me the keys I am not letting you drive anymore

and and so it's totally understandable having said that you know the the people that she wrote to were all like white middle class upper middle class women and I I don't personally I mean like I've got a stake in it

I I personally I'm a little wary of like white upper class women in general.

Because

there's a sort of largesse of heart.

It's always like, you know, they're always like, oh my god, a Gigi.

Like, I can't leave the country without some white woman telling me, like, oh my god, a Gigi.

I contribute to charity all the time.

I contribute for the price of one cup of coffee a month.

I fund the education of 99 million Indian children.

And I always wonder about that because it blows my mind because I'm like, first of all, drink your coffee.

It doesn't make any sense for you to act like you're saving the world when you go to vote, you're still voting for racist assholes.

That start was.

So I am a bit wary.

I am a bit wary, but I think this is a great call.

I can't wait for you to start

your new charity campaign.

White women, please drink your coffee.

Drink your coffee.

Use some of the caffeine you obtain in it to make less self-destructive decisions in the ballot box.

We haven't done enough in this show about

multi-millionaires wishing death upon 16-year-old girls and issues.

You are our millionaires wishing death on 16-year-old girls correspondent.

It's a specific brief, and it's one that I take very seriously.

Aaron Banks has.

he's shout the bed again.

Aaron Banks was a key financier of Brexit and one of the men behind the Leave.eu movement.

And he this week he sort of jumped on the bandwagon, which is one of the stranger latest trends in the right-wing commentariat, which is criticising a child for trying to save the world.

So, Greta Thunberg is going on a two-week zero-carbon trip to sail across the North Atlantic to go and address the UN.

And she's a 16-year-old.

And people are always saying, young people really need to take an interest.

And it turns out when they do, people go, oh, no, not that interest.

You should die.

In response to the tweet, Aaron Banks quote tweeted it and then said, freak yachting accidents do happen in August.

And then when he was sort of, when a lot of people said, hey,

are you trying to kill a child?

He said, and this is a direct quote: it was a joke, dot, dot, dot.

You lefties have no sense of humour.

Now, that is something that is an accusation that's consistently levelled at left-wing people.

And, you know, as a representative of left-wing comedy, I would like to say to Aaron Banks: you know what?

You're absolutely right.

I've now written some jokes that I think Aaron Banks would approve of.

I hope he enjoys them.

Knock, knock.

A dead child.

A dead child who was trying to fight against years of corporate self-interest being prioritised over scientific fact, culminating in a situation where mankind is on the verge of climate-based annihilation.

Okay, it's not my strongest.

Okay.

It's not my strongest.

Okay, let's give this one a go.

Doctor, doctor, I think this child died.

Oh, no.

Okay.

Again, it's not my strongest.

In the reality of that joke, the doctor was just trying to observe his part in the Hippocratic oath.

Okay, this is my last one.

Let's give this a go.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottish man walk into a bar.

The Englishman says, ha ha ha, a child is dead.

And also, Brexit means Brexit.

The Irishman and the Scottish man agree to go to a different bar and stop hanging out with the Englishman because he's a.

Got it!

That's for you, Aaron Banks!

Oh my god.

We got a sense of humor after all.

Listen,

it feels like Brexit was done just to trigger you lefties.

That's what this whole thing was about, wasn't it?

Aaron Banks was also one of the people named in

the Panama Papers.

So he would know a couple of things about offshore accidents.

Right, so just one final story before we leave.

There's been a major find of dinosaur relics,

apparently, and a couple of my friends.

A couple of my friends really into dinosaurs,

Denzil and Betula, they were going to a launch of a new dinosaur exhibition, and she couldn't decide

what to wear.

But she likes to look like a Republican tiger mum, but she couldn't find the right clothes to wear for her top half.

And Denzil, her husband, said, Well, model yourself on the former vice presidential candidate, Palin.

Tricerah's tops.

This is worse than Brexit.

And they had

they're very interested in other things as well.

Literature as well.

They used to collect relics from some of the great writers of the 19th century, including the

iron

boating implements of British sisters who collectively wrote loads of novels.

But

those implements had sadly, due to to time oxidized but they were still very proud of their Bronte's aurust

that was so

that was so torturous that I honestly think I can have you up in the hague

that pun violated the Geneva Convention

sorry it's fossiling out a bit fizzling out a bit sorry

but I had another friend who was really a global warming scientist professor at a university and he came up with this way of measuring the advance of the melting of the ice caps based on how quickly

the ice houses of the local population melted.

He became known as an Igglu Warnodon.

The audience have just reacted like you took a shit on the stage.

I had a friend from

Bangkok,

a friend from Bangkok who was really interested in

ships that had sunk.

And he heard about there was this Russian naval disaster in the Second World War, and he found that they'd discovered all the relics of these 10 ships that had sunk.

But he had to get there very quickly, this chap from Bangkok.

And he managed to do it.

Ty ran and saw Russian wrecks.

Right, that's it.

That's it.

That's it.

To be honest, yeah, I mean, you might criticise that, Nish.

But, you know, I'd rather do puns than do anything gratuitously gross and edgy, so I won't Triassic joke.

But there are other online audio comedy shows will do that.

There are pods that do that.

Right.

Touch me, I'm real.

Right.

I absolutely, I absolutely love the fact that you said that you hadn't written them and yet somehow you got through it.

And to paraphrase the famous dinosaur-based documentary Jurassic Park, when it comes to pun runs, Andy Zaltzman, like life, finds a way.

Well, thank you very much for coming.

Do go and see Aditi's wonderful show.

When is your show?

My show is called Mother of Invention.

It's at Assembly John Square The Box.

The Box.

Nish, are you doing shows this week?

Yeah, yeah, I'm doing Monday to Saturday.

And the show is called It's In Your Nature to Destroy Yourselves.

It's the show that people on the bugle have heard me plug for a full year and I am about to wring the last suds out of that soapy, soapy sponge.

I'm doing satirists for hire at stand 3, 4.30 every afternoon and Political Animal is on Sunday to Thursday next week at 11.30 also at the stand.

Thank you very much for coming.

Until next time, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.