Bonus Bugle - 2019 Summer Holidays special

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers.

I'm on holiday right now, so what you're about to hear is a special summer sub-bugle.

I'll be at the Edinburgh Festival from the 13th to the 25th of August, doing my solo show, Satirist for Hire, at 4.30pm in stand 3.

Send your satirical request to the usual address satiris this at satiristforhire.com with the date of the show you're attending and the issue you want satirized if you are indeed attending a show and wanting something satirized.

There will be live bugles on the 16th and 19th of August at the Newtown Theatre at respectively 9pm and 1.30pm

and there will be political animal shows the 13th to the 15th of August and the 18th to the 22nd so not Fridays and Saturdays basically.

They will take place at 11.30pm in stand one.

And the first of them on the 13th of August will be a Bugle co-host special featuring Nish, Alice, Tiff and Anuvab.

Do come along to all of those shows.

Then we'll have a different fantastic bill every night.

In the meantime, it is now Bugle offcuts and archive time.

Take it away.

In other Projectiles news, birds and bats have been shitting on people's cars,

particularly in Australia, Tom.

An Australian man left left his car parked in Port Macquarie by a river and returned a couple of days later to find that the natural world had very much got its revenge on humanity.

The local Pelicans had turned his beloved vehicle into what can only be described as a defecatory satirical installation sculpture.

They had, in layman's terms, shattered the living shit out of the car, besplattering the quadri-wheelular device with enough Peliguano to make the average Boris Johnson sentence look relatively cogent.

As the old saying goes, everything's the can when you're a Pelican.

And as so often, it could have been worse

because

it could have been bat shit.

And bat shit, apparently,

is much more corrosive to the paint.

So a bat shit paint job instead of a Pelican plastering is much worse for your car.

Batshit, as I said, more acidic.

You don't need to be a rocket coprologist to know that.

Bat shit crazy originally was a paint colour, of course.

But I think you do have to ask, is it beyond the wit of science to develop a Pelican shit paint?

Because we, after all, a species that A, put a man on the moon fifty years ago, and B, likes to park our cars under pelicans' arses.

So come on, science.

Quit dithering around trying to scare people about climate when it's quite clear that it's the will of God punishing us for our sins.

No offence, Tom.

And save the paint work of our cars.

Can we have one episode in which you don't imply that I'm going to hell for my disgusting sexuality?

Well,

it's just not up to me, Tom.

I just want to note that, Tom, I don't know you, so it's fun for me to get to imagine whatever might be encompassed by the idea of your disgusting sexuality.

It could be anything.

Play your cards right.

I'll show you later on.

NATO, you are our Game of Thrones correspondent now, since you've just mentioned it.

And, well, it's, you know, people are not afraid of the game.

It's a correspondent for everything.

Why am I a correspondent for anything?

Being gay.

Is that it?

Being gay and being punished by the Lord God.

Sorry, carry on.

Being gay didn't work out for Game of Thrones people, did it?

None of the gays made it to the end.

Anyway, sorry.

NATO, but fans have been up in arms about the final season

of the show.

We discussed it a bit a few weeks ago.

I mean, I did watch some of it, and I can't remember anything apart from stuff being on Fire and Dragons.

And not really my thing.

I prefer Snooker.

But

Democracy's got involved, NATO.

Yeah, so the

fans got 1.6 million signatures on a change.org petition to HBO demanding a rewrite of the final season because they were unhappy with it.

Now, if you didn't watch the entire run of the series, you might not know that

these are the people who fell in love with the series in its early seasons and then did not like the end.

And the most notable difference between the early seasons of Game of Thrones and the later seasons of Game of Thrones is that the later seasons involved less rape.

So it's an odd choice for people to publicly declare that their main problem with the series was that they wanted it to bring back the raping.

That's a strange position to stake out.

But people have derided the fans that it's unreasonable for them to do this kind of petition to HBO.

But I actually think that apart from the content, just the principle of having a petition to rewrite a final season, it's somewhat righteous.

Like a mass demand, demanding that a powerful body rewrite the ending of a beloved text is basically how we got the Protestant Reformation.

So why not Game of Thrones?

But exactly, we've just got to accept that NATO, you and I know, as Jews, we know

that these big, sprawling, epic narratives of conflict and the struggles between civilizations don't always end the way you want them to end.

Because the last installment of the Bible was crap.

Worst spin-off ever, I reckon.

Yeah, actually,

before she died, my grandfather's second wife asked him at dinner one night,

honey, was the New Testament out yet when we were kids?

So

that's how little Jews care about the New Testament.

Top story this week, debts to America!

Debts to America!

Debt!

Andy, as we've touched on in the last few bugles, America has got a bit of a problem with debt at the moment.

They haven't been particularly careful with their money and haven't really prepared at all for their retirement as an empire, which, as China will testify, is just around the corner.

They've been very irresponsible with some particularly unnecessary luxury wars in recent times.

The Iraq war was the equivalent of a middle-aged man buying a Porsche.

It really smacks of a nation experiencing a midlife crisis and trying to capture its youth once more.

America's current debt ceiling is $14.3 trillion,

which means that it has pretty much maxed out its own credit card.

And the three options seem to to be do you one cut that credit card in two two do you apply for more credit or do you three cut it in two then tape it back together and hope the shops will still accept it

and it might be worth just briefly explaining how we've got to this point because at first glance you can find yourself thinking this is f ⁇ ing insane however i must say that after you've heard this explanation you are probably going to find yourself arriving at the same conclusion anyway it is quite impressive for a country to be this dysfunctional.

I believe after you've heard some of this explanation, the main question is going to be, how do these Americans put on their trousers in the morning?

14.3 trillion, John.

That is that is a big debt ceiling.

To me, that is the Sistine Chapel of death ceilings.

That's true.

It is a truly mind-boggling achievement that people in centuries to come will still look back on and think, wow, that's fing incredible.

How on earth did they do that?

That is the product of a truly special mind.

No normal person person could have done that.

Mankind was involved in a number like this?

Surely not.

It seems touched by the hand of God himself.

The US government gets a lot of bills every month, Andy.

That's how it gets this high, including military salaries, interest on existing loans, Medicare, and a subscription to Cigar Aficionado that they keep forgetting to cancel.

The current debt limit was hit back in May.

But that deadline didn't turn out to be quite as deadly as deadlines are supposed to be.

This is is because they managed to extend the drop-dead deadline date to August the 2nd, which they insist is as deadly as deadlines get, and that no one wants to test the deadliness of this particular drop-dead deadline unless they want a large bowl of death on their hands.

They managed to cleverly extend this date by employing various economic tricks, such as postponing payments into government pension schemes and using better than expected tax revenues.

And Timothy Geithner really is part economist, part children's party magician.

He could make it look like a budget deficit has completely disappeared before simply lifting up a plastic cup and revealing that it was actually there the whole time.

But still no agreement, John.

There seems to be an awful lot of baffling negotiation going on.

It seems that the politicians of America have been horse trading like a French chef preparing to cater for a lavish wedding.

But still

no agreement.

And quite a lot of petty political point scoring seems to be going on, John.

I can't say that I've been following this particularly closely because I've been trying to write some unbelievably idiotic jokes.

But

what's the latest score in the political point scoring?

Well, it's currently nil-nil, Andy, with both teams looking both angry and uninterested, if that's even possible.

I mean, remember, the key thing is here, this isn't the government wanting to borrow money to buy things in the future.

This is the government wanting to borrow money to pay for things that they've already bought.

It's like a teenager going on to their parents and saying, please can I borrow $20 for a new car that I've just bought?

And the parents are saying, wait, hold on, you've already bought the car.

And didn't it cost more than $20?

And the teenager's saying, you're quite right, it did.

Can I have $35,000, please?

The problem is that all government borrowing in America has to be approved under the Constitution by Congress.

Now, because there's no real, the strange thing is there's no particular need to have a debt ceiling other than to force massive arguments on a semi-regular basis.

Most other countries don't have a debt ceiling, they just have an inbuilt sense of what they can and can't afford.

Well, I think recent history suggests that they can't.

Yeah, that is true.

That is true.

I could almost sense the Greeks waking up

in the afternoon over there saying, What?

That's not true.

Anyway, please keep it down.

I'm napping

again.

America.

America.

For the two and a half thousandth year in a row.

America is like a is like a gambling addict that knows it has a problem, walking into a casino saying, I have all the money that I'm going to spend here in my hand.

Please don't anyone lend me any more, no matter how hard I beg you later on.

Then, when they need more money later in the night, trying to win back some of their losses, they end up having to either use their car keys as collateral or start offering cut-rate hand jobs in the car park to raise enough to keep going.

I've got a system, I've got a system, but it's going to come good.

It can't land on black two times in a row.

The overall borrowing cap was actually first introduced by Congress in 1917 to make it simpler for the government to finance its efforts in World War I.

And that was a war worth throwing some money at, Andy.

You got a lot of bang for your buck back then.

There was no way Congress was going to feel shortchanged.

Yeah, also you saved a lot on all those pensions that you didn't have to pay out afterwards as well.

That's it's true.

It was a win-win and massive loss.

Bottom line, bottom line, it made sense.

Trench warfare made sound economic sense from a long-term financial picture.

But how many governments would have the courage to say that these days?

Yeah.

You're right.

Well, I guess, John, this goes back a long way, basically to 1791 when George Washington slapped one war of independence on his nation's credit card for the now bargain price of $75 million.

And I guess he probably didn't think at that point that his inspirational fight today, pay tomorrow scheme would still be quite so avidly pursued in the early 21st century.

But I think a lot of it comes down to the problems of democratic government, John, because essentially the art of democratic government is to spend vast amounts of money on being seen to be doing stuff, financed either by spending money you don't have or cutting back spending on actually doing anything.

And therefore governments basically won't economise significantly because the less they spend, the less they can appear to be doing and therefore the less reason they have to exist.

But I guess we do need to keep things in perspective, John, because let's be honest, the Black Death was worse.

You know, we might have tough times at the moment, but at least we can sneeze without having to cancel all of next week's appointments.

That's true, Andy.

Well, that's the first thing that's not been depressing that I've heard regarding commentary around this story.

There were warnings

about things like this happening.

Let me quote from Abraham Lincoln, the professional ex-president and two-time hatwearer of the year, who said this in 1864.

He said, I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country.

Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavour to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.

I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war.

Oh my

god.

Can't say this kind of crept up on us like the once-in-a-millennium, once-in-a-century credit tsunami that

Greensban described it as.

Thomas Jefferson.

I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.

If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their forefathers conquered.

There you go.

Here's another one.

The national budget must be balanced.

The public debt must be reduced.

The arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled.

Payments to foreign governments must be reduced if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt.

So, this warning, do you know how long ago that was said, John?

How long?

55 BC by Cicero.

No,

we've been ignoring that advice for over 2,000 years now, John.

And there's no sign that we're going to start gnawing it.

As the deadline on Tuesday approaches, the tone of the discussion varies from apocalyptic visions of the world collapsing to almost creepy positivity.

Because Harry Reid hinted of a potential compromise at the middle of the week when he said, Magic things can happen here in Congress in a very short period of time under the right circumstances.

He then pointed at a wardrobe and said, maybe there's a mystical world somewhere in there, and we'll all go on an adventure which will teach us about the importance of cooperation we'll learn these efforts from a mystical lion in a not that subtle religious allegory and even though we'll be in there for months when we come out only seconds will have gone by then he paused and looked at the floor and said

or maybe we are

and likewise the president tried to fire up the American people whilst actually annoying them by interrupting the bachelorette for a presidential address on TV this week and he said Let's seize this moment to show why the United States of America is still the greatest nation on earth.

Not because we can still keep our word and meet our obligations, but because we can still come together as one nation.

Before saying,

Ah, f it, even I don't believe that.

Let me try again.

Let me just go back and try that again.

We're what now?

We're live.

Oh, fudge.

Meltdown at 15 feet news now.

Andy, in times like these, the world turns to heroes.

And luckily this week it found another.

An instant American hero emerged.

An outlaw in the mold of a modern-day Jesse James.

What happened, if you haven't already heard by now, was this.

As a plane taxied towards its gates, a jet blue air steward got into an argument with a passenger who was trying to get her oversized luggage out of the overhead storage before the seatbelt sign was switched off.

This woman had already smashed him in the head with the bag at the start of the flight.

He snapped, grabbed the intercom phone and said something along the lines of, to the f ⁇ ing asshole who told me to f ⁇ off, it's been a good 28 years.

I've had it.

That's it.

He then grabbed two beers from the fridge, opened one of them, activated the emergency exit, released the inflatable slide, threw his two bags down before diving after them, running across the tarmac to his car in the parking lot, and driving straight home where the police later found him mid-coiters with his boyfriend.

Boom!

He instantly captured the hearts of America.

What a story!

Although he's now facing up to seven years in jail for reckless endangerment and trespassing, the public response to this has been outstanding.

The next day he had 125,000 friends on Facebook, and someone had already started a Stephen Slater defense fund that had raised a few thousand dollars.

His release from jail after a mystery donor posted the two and a half grand bail was a media circus.

He got into a silvery van outside the gates, but two producers from Good Morning America were making an aggressive play for the first interview, followed him in, rode along for a block before he kicked them out.

But then the driver then apparently suddenly freaked out amid the media circus and kicked him out too.

Well, it gets better and better.

Well, that's fantastic, John.

I mean, we've all done the same.

Yeah.

Haven't we?

No, not exactly the same, clearly.

I've done the same at gigs when I got sworn at by an audience member.

Right.

And was lucky I always take an emergency inflatable escape slide to my gig.

But obviously, given that it wasn't an aeroplane, I had to inflate it manually.

By which time the moment I've rather passed.

Oh, no.

God, those are crucially frustrating moments, aren't they?

Can you hang on there, please?

It sounds like he melted down like a dead zebra's ice cream there, John.

Sounds like he lost it like Britain lost its empire.

Stropoly after years of build-up.

Sounds like he went off the handle more than a man who had just binge-eaten 108 handles in a row in one sitting.

Everything he has said since the event has been gold-andy.

In the New York Times, he said that apparently, I'll quote again, telling a passenger off via intercom and exiting an aircraft via giant inflatable slide had been my secret fantasy for as long as I've worked in the airline hospitality.

For 20 years, he went on to say, I'd thought about it, but you never think you're actually going to do it.

But he did, Andy.

He dreamt it and he did it.

I think it's pretty clear from the public response that America dreamed of someone one day doing that too.

Maybe that's what Martin Luther King was talking about.

That's right.

If only he'd lived to see his dream come true.

Newspapers found many warnings online of this one day happening.

Apparently, in postings on airline message boards, he'd long complained of ridiculous baggage policies and ensuing passenger bad behaviour.

One of his postings said, We got a break after 9-11.

In fact, despite the challenges of those events, it became so much easier to fly for those of us who still had jobs with the more stringent enforcement of policies.

Now it is again a free-for-all.

So there you go, Andy.

The nine-year search for for something positive to come out of 9-11 is over Carry-on baggage was temporarily reduced easing the workload on our stewards.

I wonder if it's going to take another nine years to find a second positive outcome.

Steven Slater is expected to do a slew of interviews over the next week to sate the public thirst for their hero and apparently ad companies are also in discussions over using him but beer endorsements apparently were the first natural suggestions.

In fact, you know you could easily do a quick commercial of him telling passengers to go f themselves before cracking open a frosty bud light and sliding down the inflatable slides straight into a disco on the runway.

It's just an idea.

Also, one marketing consultant even suggested that JetBlue themselves should now make him their spokesman, saying, Steve Slater is the modern-day equivalent of Charles Bronson in Deathwish.

Except, of course, there's no artillery, bloodshed, or permanent damage in this particular example of brand vigilanteism.

The only problem with that analogy is that the only recognizable qualities of Charles Bronson and Deathwish are artillery, bloodshed and permanent damage.

Without those, it's just a movie about an angry man in a mustache.

Weren't you in a band called artillery, bloodshed and permanent damage?

I was.

That's why it really chimed with me, that quote.

The consultant went on to say, I'd recommend Jet Blue gets behind him.

They have the kind of brand personality and authentic self-assuredness to use this as a perfect opportunity to demonstrate purpose and conviction.

And if not, then I'd recommend one of their competitors snap him up.

That is clearly unlikely at the moment because JetBlue has singularly failed to find any of this remotely amusing.

Releasing a statement just this morning saying the most distressing aspect of the media coverage has been the lightness with which they're treating the deployment of the emergency slide.

Slides can be as dangerous as a gun.

What

slide is more dangerous than a gun, Andy?

What the f are they talking about?

That's even stupider than the whole pen is mightier than the sword thing.

I tell you what, JetBlue.

I'm willing to settle this argument with you with an old-fashioned duel.

I will meet you in Central Park tomorrow morning at dawn.

I will bring an AK-47.

You can bring your stupid slide.

Let's do this!

Well, of course, I mean, a lot of people think that JFK wasn't killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, but by a kid on a slide coming down the grassy knoll.

Breakneck speed.

Where was that, Oliver Stone?

Yeah.

Where was that?

There's no one.

The problem is there, Annie, it all quickly gets out of hand.

Oh, well, was it, you know, was that kid working alone?

Were there two slides?

Was there a water slide involved that no one knows about?

It's true that Steve Slater is now the acceptable face of rebellion in America.

He has been a lightning rod for everyone who's either wanted to tell someone to f off or who's wanted to have a go on an inflatable slide.

And I would suggest that he bypasses all these commercial ideas, Andy, for movie franchise.

He can be the modern-day dirty Harry, except instead of walking around killing people, he just tells them to go f themselves.

And then goes down an inflatable slide.

Yes.

Hello, buglers.

This is producer Chris.

It appears that Andy went on holiday without providing an outro.

So

engage your brain now and imagine that I am Andy

and

so here right now is I'm plugging some shows in the wrong order and the wrong dates with the wrong URL.

Google it.

Now I am going to plug

more shows that actually have probably already happened and

now I'm gonna

thank everyone for donating to the show you keep us going and we love you dearly something quite sincere and nice and heartfelt like that a cricket reference is probably gonna come in now maybe sort of comparing you to cricket and

then

I'm going to apologize that I didn't have time to read your names out of your really kind donors but we'll do more soon so just assume that if you are a lovely donor and you haven't had a message read out it's on its way

then I am probably gonna say goodbye and I'll see you for the show in a couple of weeks needless follow-up you know reminder for those live shows and then this music will probably end

now

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.