Dog Climbs Mountain - Bugle 4101

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4101 of The Bugle, recorded live in the final shows of the USA Tour in San Francisco and Los Angeles.

I was joined as ever on the magic video screen by the magnificent Alice Fraser, freshly dehemisphered to Australia and now reporting from tomorrow afternoon west coast of America time.

And I was also joined by two brand new co-hosts in person.

A special hello this week to our New Zealand buglers after Friday's atrocity in Christchurch, and indeed to all buglers who are members of the sentient human race, which has been traduced and brutalised yet again by the putrid virus of terrorism.

We recorded these shows before that tragedy had occurred, and the San Francisco show, from which most of this week's podcast comes, was also recorded before the latest in the classic series of failed government attempts to force-hump the Brexit camel through the cataract-riddled eye of the flaccid, scratchy needle of British politics.

That sentence took as much of a battering as our democracy has in recent times.

There will be a full Brexit update in next week's show.

Don't forget if you would like to support the newly re-independentised Bugle and help us continue and be foot loose and advert free, click the donate button on the Bugle website and choose one of the monthly contribution options or make up your own monthly voluntary subscription amount.

There's also an option to make a one-off payment too and of course the option not to contribute and to shout obscenities at the moon instead.

All your support for the show, financial or otherwise, is ecstatically gratefully received.

Many thanks to those who have already contributed to the new volunto subscription scheme and helped set the show on the path to a long-term sustainable independent future as the world's only reliable source of 112% verifiable bullshit.

Coming up later, details of a snap satirist for hire Brexit special run 26th to the 28th of March in London.

But first, on with this week's podcast.

It was taken from last Tuesday's live show at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles where Baratunde Thurston made his bugle debut and the show at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco on Monday the 11th of March, where I was joined by Alice.

Alice was joined by some impressively vocal bird life in Sydney, and we were both joined by another first-time bugle co-host, who will be introduced in the following chunk.

What is that noise?

Is that coming from?

I think it's the birds in Australia.

I'm really sorry.

Getting some live wildlife from

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please welcome to the stage Andy Zottman!

Hello!

Hello, San Francisco!

Hello, Los Angeles!

Hello, California!

Welcome!

Welcome to

the Bugle Live.

How are you all?

Excellent, excellent, that is good, that is very good to hear.

Welcome, this is very exciting to be

back here at Cobbs.

There's a very famous saying in Showbiz, you only play this venue twice in your career, once on the way up, once on the way down.

Well, this is my fourth giga Cobbs,

because my career has plateaued.

So here we are, this is this is the live bugle, this is live from Cobbs Comedy Club in in San Francisco, doubling up as at least part of issue 4101

of the world's

leading only and possibly best audio newspaper for a visual world.

Do we have any Brits in?

Yes, welcome and did you vote in the referendum?

Yes, and

how did you vote?

Do you mind if I

voted Romain?

I vote.

Well, I mean, I was I love the EU as well.

I think it's a wonderful, it's one of the great political experiments in human history.

It's brought peace and prosperity and harmony to a largely divided continent throughout its history.

And I think it's one of the things it's good for Britain.

It's good for Europe, for Britain to stay part of Europe.

It's good for the future.

It's good for my kids, the country they're going to grow up in.

That said, I'm a British political comedian.

Brexit is going to give me six decades of material.

So I voted leave.

But it's all about no more.

That's how we vote in politics.

Got to look after yourself.

On the 11th of March, on this day in 1702, the first daily English newspaper was published, the Daily Courant.

And the editor, who was a woman,

Elizabeth Mallet, who wrote under a male persona, some things never change.

She said this,

the author will not take it upon himself to give any comments or conjectures of his own, but will relate only to matters of fact.

He will suppose other people to have sense enough to make reflections for themselves.

So, how is that going for the media of the world?

Charmingly naïve back in back in 1702.

Let's compare it with today's media, just looking at Breitbart.

Today, have we got any Breitbart fans in?

I have misjudged this vibe.

Big time.

Some sensational articles have gone up on Breitbart today.

Fascinating article, this one.

If I'm not allowed to scream you're a fing bitch at a baby in a shopping mall just because it might be female, then gay people should not be allowed to buy cars.

Classic outright shtick.

Why does the mainstream media keep lying to us about spiders having legs?

None of the ones in my collection do anymore.

And this is a classic out-right article.

If immigrants, women, and wildlife are as great as the snowflakes stay, how come American white male human man Neil Armstrong was the first thing on the moon?

So,

can't argue with the outright.

So, also, tomorrow, very exciting day.

Tomorrow is World Day Against Cyber Censorship.

So we want the internet to be completely free and for everyone to be able to do what they want on the internet.

And to that end, I've hacked into your personal data using my internet freedom.

And I've failed to censor myself.

And I found some interesting information about you in

Got Facebook to help out because they know basically everything about us.

There's a woman sitting in about the eighth row back who's terrified of all gardeners and thinks they should be locked up.

A man sitting over there thinks Elvis faked his own death, but then died the next day

trying to launch a new career as a human cannonball.

Someone in this room spent 35 hours last weekend trying to create a 4D potato.

San Francisco, why not?

97% of you in this room prefer bagels to the Syrian crisis.

Right with you, they're not my thing either, the Syrian crisis.

But who are the 3%?

Jesus.

And also, there is one person in this room who has a recurring dream in which a bison becomes president of the USA, defecates all over the Oval Office, and then tries to have sex with a statue of Eleanor Roosevelt.

And that person wakes up thinking, I had this really weird dream that the country was starting to get back on track.

So that's uh

now, as always, San Francisco, some sections of the bugle are going, where?

They're going, where?

They are going in the bin.

They are going in the bin.

And

in the bin this week, we have a California section, since we're here in California.

The Golden State.

Are you fans of California?

Is anyone here not from California other than the Brits?

Where do you come from?

Maryland.

Maryland?

Yeah.

Well, another one from.

And which is better?

Maryland.

Maryland is better.

Oh, right, yeah.

Well, let me tell you, there's some states of the USA don't seem to like California that much.

For example, what's that nearly Portland seems to think that the great threat of immigration

is from you people.

California is home to one-eighth of all Americans, but the question does arise: would it be better if it was home to one-eighth of each American?

It's the 11th most densely populated state in the USA.

New Jersey is top.

It's got to be good at something.

California clocking in at 240 people per square mile, way behind New Jersey.

You're going to take that line down.

In fact, that might be your best way to catch up.

Sorry, family show.

But let's compare it with Bangladesh.

Bangladesh, obviously America, very, very crowded.

It's so crowded that you have to seal it off from all new people coming in.

Bangladesh, 2,864 people per square mile in Bangladesh.

It is 12 times more crowded than California, but still, you're the ones that need the wall, apparently.

I do have a quick suggestion for how to deal with the issue of massive overpopulation in America that has meant that you have to build this wall.

Because I don't think you actually need the wall, because I've looked at a map, and I think the solution to the immigration problem in America is quite simple.

Use Use the middle bit.

It's

fing enormous.

It's absolutely fing enormous.

Is this going to work?

Oh, that's it.

Hang on.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Guglers.

How are you?

Very well, thanks.

I am here in Australia.

It's 2.08 p.m.

But very importantly, I just flew in yesterday, so in my head, it's still three o'clock in the morning.

How's Australia?

I had an argument today with a man online who did not believe that Australia was real.

Was he in Australia or not?

No,

he was online, so he could have been anywhere.

But where he was is the saying that every Australian you ever meet is an actor pretending to be Australian, and every piece of footage you see of Australia is as faked as the moon landings.

I don't know if you've ever tried to argue with someone that you exist.

Right, welcome, welcome Alice to a new time zone and

this is very exciting.

We have a brand new Bugle co-host.

It's Barrett Tunde Thurston.

There he is.

Right, welcome to the stage.

Hello, Bugle Earth!

I like to introduce people on their first appearance on the show with some fing ridiculous music, Baratunde.

That was ridiculous.

I just want to say it's good to be here at the Dynasty Typewriter.

This is the last gig of this tour, and this is the 13th gig we've done in 15 days in 12 different cities.

So

Baratunde is very much the shot of espresso to the fatigued brains.

Are you saying that because I'm...

Well, thank you.

It's now time for our other co-host for today.

He is from this very city, from San Francisco, and I'm going to give you a chance to guess who it is.

So he is named after two organizations, movements, or concepts that your President, Donald Trump, really does not like.

So this is multiple choice.

Can you guess which is the correct name?

Is his name Dignity Foreigner?

Option A.

Option B,

Democrats Feminism.

Great comic, great comic.

Sadly, not of this gig.

Is it option C, NAFTA Independent Judiciary?

Not that either.

Is it option D, CNN immigrant children not in cages?

Is it, in fact

NATO green what do you reckon let's find out the correct answer is

it is

NATO Green there he is

NATO

welcome welcome to the show there's a massive picture of you

And this is welcome, NATO.

Welcome to the bugle.

Thank you very much.

Glad to be here.

I have a question for you.

As a British person in America, just at this moment in history, could you just talk us through

how it feels to be a formally important world power?

To kind of wean you onto it.

Yeah, yeah, because we're looking at you as a model.

And I know that England didn't get feelings until Morrissey.

And he has some feelings we really don't want to have.

Right.

Prior to that, if a British person had feelings, you just started an opium war.

But like,

you know,

how do you just cope with like watching your world relevance collapse like a souffle in a hailstorm?

Right.

How much research did you do for that souffle in the hailstorm run?

Well, I mean, it's, it's got, I mean, the key thing, NATO, and you're going to have to do this as Americans as you watch yourself decline as a global power,

unless, of course, I mean, and we'll touch on the environment a little bit later on, but there is some logic in your president's attitude towards the environment of trying to accelerate the end of the world.

Because the rules America is still the world's top-ranked superpower, still the world's biggest economy, and the rules of the game are: if you are winning when the world ends, then you are the overall winner of the game.

So

the key, Nate, what you have to do as a declining imperial power, what you need to do is invent and export sports

and then allow other countries that you've taught these sports to to beat you and hope that this will do as an apology for borderline genocide.

That's

basically the closest we've ever got.

The closest we've ever got to apologising for some of the glitches of our imperial phase is teaching countries cricket and then losing to them humiliatingly.

Do you think poetry slam will suffice as a portable sport?

I should point out NATO is also Jewish.

Shalom.

So this is.

We've gone with a two-Jew strategy for this show.

Two and a half.

Two and a half.

Alice has got a.

She's the ish bit.

She's

50% Buddhist, 50% Jewish, and 50% Catholic, I think.

Is that right?

Yeah, Andy, I don't normally feel particularly Jewish, and then I'm in a taxi, and the taxi driver starts talking about the Jews, and I get very educational very quickly.

Did you know you lose one Uber point on your star rating for every pogrom you list?

Let's kike out the jam, shall we?

I'm a very lapsed Jew.

Nate, where would you put yourself on the percentage lapsed scar?

I would say that I'm not practicing because I have mastery.

Right, there we go.

I am.

Practicing is for amateurs.

I'm second-generation lapsed, and as you know, Jewishness comes down through the mother, and lapsedness through the father.

And they

sort of cancel each other out.

As a lapsed show now.

Pro-lapsedness through the anus.

As a family show, Alice, family show.

Top story this week.

And top story this week, we have

naughty America news.

I'm Barrington, how would you say America's doing as a nation right now?

Meh.

Right.

I think meh.

Meh.

Is our rating?

Right.

Right now?

Yeah, yeah.

We're pulling up, though.

Okay.

We've been lower.

We're trying to climb out, right?

A third of the audience is feeling the blue wave.

So a big story that was revealed over the past week was high degrees of official corruption.

Surprise, surprise, in the current president's administration.

There's a group known as the Center for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington.

You would hope that that's Congress, but it turns out we've privatized ethics now.

So to just say the name again, the Center for Ethics and...

For Responsibility and Ethics in Washington.

Crue.

Crue.

Right.

So I mean, that's...

I mean, that's purely hypothetical, isn't it?

It's the dream.

It's the Center for American Unicorns for All, isn't it?

So they have a new study documenting the levels of conflict of interest in the Trump White House.

It's achieved 1,400 official conflicts according to them.

President Trump has tried to use the presidency to enrich himself by promoting his businesses as extensions of his administration, including conducting government business at them, praising them in his official capacity, and even going so far as to offer exclusive perks to members of his clubs, including access to government leaders, influence on government businesses, and in some cases, appointments to government positions.

They say the conflicts of interest this president has caused are nothing short of an ethical catastrophe.

Ethical catastrophe.

I think this is fine.

No, bear with me.

At this point, there are so many conflicts of interest, it's almost like there are no conflicts of interest at all.

They cancel themselves out.

Like, he can't keep track of them.

He can't even call people by the right name.

He just vaguely feels like he owes everyone a favor.

Right, right.

Well, I am in a full-boiled fury of late about the attacks on Congresswoman Ilhan Omar.

This is the Democratic

Congresswoman from Minneapolis.

She's a Somali born in Somalia and a Muslim, and she's been accused of using anti-Semitic tropes.

First of all, I have to say this to you, the audience, I am a card-carrying socialist American Jew.

So if you are a rabid-you are about to be put down.

So,

like, I don't, the arguments, I don't understand what the complaint is about Ilhan Omar.

She was accused of using anti-Semitic tropes.

The tropes specifically were that she noted that there was an Israel lobby that gives money to politicians.

I guess the implication, arguably it's anti-Semitic to suggest to forget that Jews are cheap and we wouldn't give money to politicians willy-nilly,

or perhaps that politicians wouldn't like Jews unless we paid them.

So I don't know if that's where the anti-Semitism lives exactly.

Also, like tropes, that's the complaint, is that we're talking about tropes.

Is there anything possibly more Jewish than complaining about someone using literary criticism?

So it's like out of a Woody Allen film, like I left class at NYU and I was sitting in a cafe in Greenwich Village reading Derrida, and it reminded me of how much you don't like me.

You know what I mean?

So,

who among us can forget the horrific trope massacres

when my family in the Ukraine was slaughtered by a band of trope-wielding Cossacks?

Jews are very concerned about tropes.

We're also concerned about illusion, metaphor, simile, alliteration.

We've been harassed, oppressed, persecuted, exploited, almost like it's like being attacked by a dinosaur, like a thesaurus rex.

Yay!

You'll fit right in on this show, Nico.

So, and the argument is that, like, she's a Somali.

So, the other trope is dual loyalty, that she suggested that people were being called upon to be, that Jews were dual loyal to the U.S.

and to Israel.

And first of all, it doesn't bother me because I'm not even singly loyal.

I hate my own country.

I hate every other country.

Like, I'm not even involved in any of it.

But the dual loyalty trope, according to the Atlantic, goes back to anti-Catholicism in the 1830s.

And so the argument is that anti-Semites appropriated anti-Catholicism in 1903 in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion when they wrote it in Russian.

And then that, in turn, was reappropriated now to use against the Muslim.

It's very confusing to me.

About how.

And just to imagine the scenario, like Ilhan Omar is a Muslim Somali refugee in a refugee camp in Kenya in the 90s when she's 10.

She comes across a copy of of the protocols of the elders of Zion in Russian, reads it, retains it,

and then brings it back decades later.

It is as if you met someone who had never heard of the idea of gay people, and they used the word faggot to refer to a bundle of sticks, and you were like, No, you can't say that because you just reminded me that I'm a bigot.

You know what I mean?

So, and I feel like just the

criticisms of Ilhan Omar

are

single-handedly demolishing the stereotype that Jews are smart because that's all we had.

We're not attractive or physically strong.

Speak for yourself, NATO.

At least we're smart, and they're taking that away from us.

And there are actual anti-Semites, they're actual Jew haters, like in Charlottesville that I'm worried about.

Like, these guys,

this is a picture from Charlottesville.

You see them, they're all wearing khakis.

They went from brown shirts to brown slacks.

So I think you can safely say that Nazism is descending.

In a historical sense, it's moving from the torso to the trousers,

the leg area.

And in another generation, their children will be Nazis just wearing a brown loafer.

And then we'll be done with Nazis in all of history.

One more generation to go.

Now, and these people, like, they're not full-on Nazis.

They just sort of evoke the sense of Nazis, like, just enough to sort of give you the idea, almost like they'll give you, like, just the Gestapo of it.

The Gestapo.

Which one is it?

How am I supposed to pronounce it?

No, no, no, no.

You can't react like that to a pun at this show.

It's not allowed.

How many Nazi-based puns has this show had?

Well, it depends if you listen to it forwards or backwards.

Right.

So.

I think Albeid Mach Freis was my favorite of mine.

And so some people are like, and there are Nazis even in the White House.

Like Trump is an actual Jew hater.

Some people are like, no, Trump can't be a Jew hater because his daughter converted to Judaism.

But Trump clearly enjoys hating people and he wouldn't be the first president to hate someone he wanted to have sex with.

Just ask Thomas Jefferson.

So.

To be honest,

there's not been enough Thomas Jefferson shagging his slave jokes on this show over the years.

And, I'm almost done.

And,

thank you.

I was worried that I was going to divide that crowd, but and, like, she didn't even say anything bad about Jews.

She was talking about the Israeli government, specifically the Israeli military and the Israeli parliament.

Hating a branch of government is not a form of bigotry.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Like, you were allowed to hate the legislative branch.

You know, like, the state legislature in the state of Tennessee just passed a fetal heartbeat bill that would ban abortion after the detection of of a heartbeat.

And if I said I don't agree with that, you couldn't call me Tennesseeist.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

And, you know, and the prime minister of Israel, Bibi Netanyahu, is like in coalition now with fascist parties.

Bibi Netanyahu, his friends call him Bibi, which is short for bullbozer,

as in, you know, bullboz your ball orchards and

bomb babies with bullets by the Israeli Barmy.

That is the most charming sentence involving the words, bomb babies with bullets, I've ever heard.

And I just, like, I'm so excited about Ilhan Omar.

Like, I think she's Trump's worst nightmare.

Like, can you imagine?

Like, he is, I think the whole world should be run by

black socialist Muslim women.

Like, that seems like that seems like anything that would make

Trump kill himself.

And

I just just love the thought of it.

So

I'm ready for a nap.

Another.

You can't just change the whole government just in order to piss off someone you don't like, can you?

Oh, wait, you guys just did.

Hang on, let me interrupt myself right there and tell you all about the forthcoming, very forthcoming, in fact, satirist for higher Brexit Blindfold Cliff Edge specials taking place at Soho Theatre on the 26th, 27th, and 28th of March, ahead of the, well, now formally scheduled 29th of March Independence Day, or maybe rescheduled for then, anyway, who knows, literally no one.

Now, as you may have heard, it does look like Brexit is being delayed, which depending on which newspaper or media outlets you read and/or write for and/or into your living soul over breakfast every morning, is either a patently sensible thing to do, given the absolute indigestible, multiply vomited, re-eaten and vomited again pigs breakfast that has been made of the entire process, or it is a betrayal of everything Britain has ever held dear, or more accurately, a betrayal of everything Britain has ever pretended to hold dear.

Anyway, the satirists for high shows will go ahead anyway, while Britain spends just a little more time considering whether to betray its democracy by ignoring the result of the referendum, or betray its democracy by plowing through with the result of a flawed, ill-conceived, and ill-defined referendum, whose full implications were barely even breathed about and will overwhelmingly affect people who weren't able to vote in it.

A truly appetising British democratic choice.

Do submit your email requests for topics to be satirised to the usual Satirist for Hire address.

Satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

Given the circumstances, I'm willing to address non-Brexit issues as well, or just unilaterally launch Brexit in the show anyway.

Can I do that?

I mean, nothing is certain anymore.

Tickets on the Soho Theatre website, 26th, 27th, and 28th of March.

Please do submit emails, even if you're not coming to the shows.

Also, there are Bugle live shows coming up in Glasgow this Tuesday, the 19th of March.

I believe that one is sold out.

Edinburgh on the 20th of March.

There are some tickets left for that.

And Brighton on the 12th of April.

I may have previously told you that this was on the 13th of April.

This was a lie.

Anyway, it is the 12th of April.

Back to the last shows of the American tour.

And here's some more highlights from San Francisco with NATO Green.

San Francisco news.

NATO, you're a native of the city.

You've lived here most of your lie.

How is San Francisco doing as a city?

Real bad.

Real bad, everybody.

So I don't know if you saw this news recently, but San Francisco is about to have a bunch of tech-related initial public offerings.

I think the New York Times headline says millionaires are about to eat San Francisco alive

because Uber, Pinterest, Lyft,

Square, Postmates are all about to do IPOs, and that will lead to a bunch of cash.

for millionaires.

I think Pinterest is like a perfect example of what's happening because I don't know

that Pinterest, there used to be a neighborhood in San Francisco called the Design District.

There's a place called the Design Center where you could go and meet artisans and buy like custom-made faucets and rugs and things for interior decorating.

And now that's where the Pinterest headquarters is to have just pictures of those things that used to be there.

That seems peak 2019 to me.

So,

San Francisco is about to get so rich that soon we're going to have millionaires shitting on the sidewalk.

It's good to have a dream.

The streets of San Francisco will be paved with golden shit.

So, and there's a lot of people trying to figure out how we get so much homelessness.

And this is what happens: you have an IPO, you make a bunch of millionaires, and then they take people's homes, and then they become homeless.

That's how it works.

And so it's, and it's like, it's weird reading about the IPO parties, that was new to me because it's all these people have their favorite, like, you know,

they hire people.

You're supposed to believe that someone is going to be a capable fiscal steward of a company's business vision that they're willing to spend pay people to spend 14 hours a day making ice sculptures of the Taj Mahal for their IPO party and yet we can't have better welfare benefits for homeless people because they might use it on drugs at least you can use drugs

unlike an ice sculpture I mean this was this was one of the fascinating details of this story that you

put us onto there's other ice sculpts including a full-size ice car.

I mean, internal combustion engines and ice.

It doesn't seem like a marriage made in heaven.

Logos carved into ice rockets.

Ice cubes with the company logo on each one.

And this 10-foot Taj Mahal in a swimming pool.

Where you would want the Taj Mahal to be, obviously.

I mean, it must have looked amazing before it melted away like an ethical concern at a board meeting.

But

But what?

I mean, what do you think when

you are the person who's commissioned, has anyone here ever commissioned a 10-foot-ice Taj Mahal?

Or indeed any other mausoleum?

Not just the Taj Mahal.

This was built to commemorate an Indian king's dead wife.

So, for a start, what kind of message is this tech billionaire sending to his current alive wife?

Stop being so cold in the bedroom.

But what do you think when you're in your swimming pool, in your massive house, having spent $10 million on launch parties, which is apparently what they cost, looking at your ice Taj Mahal, what do you think?

Do you think this is what I've always dreamed of?

What I worked so hard for over the years, to have an ice Taj Mahal in the swimming pool?

It's what I dreamt of as a kid.

Do you think, what the fuck have I become?

Do you think is capitalism really trying its very, very best to improve this planet?

Do you think I love replicas of people's graves?

Maybe at next year's IPO I'm getting Auntie Beryl's grave made out of chocolate.

Or do you think I wonder if 10 foot was big enough for my iced Taj Mahal?

I for one welcome this as a beautiful piece of site-specific performance art on the dangers of inflation.

I mean San Francisco is already the home to the kind of overwhelmingly meaningless money that made Miami a surreal art deco Disneyland on the back of illegal cocaine smuggling.

And this is very much the same kind of drug dealing.

I just think this public market launch will pour so much money into the Bay Area that soon you'll be wheelbarrowing $100 bills into a coffee shop to afford even a moderately pretentious millennial lifestyle.

And it's a good move for the hyper-wealthy.

It provides new opportunities for ab-stricken swimwear clad yacht groupies instead of old money old men in polo necks telling you about mergers in an environment of jocular racism you get to have the exciting experience of hearing about bitcoin and the statistical significance of race in iq test breakdowns from young men in polo necks

progress we are making progress

no i'm kidding andy i love the hyper wealthy and i'm happy to do corporate gigs for any number of technology

that is why you hang out with me

Alice is right.

So much of what they're inventing now is useless.

It's like, I don't know if you saw recently in the last several months we had these

wildfires in California where now I have a new thing to be afraid of of fire cyclones where fire goes 200 miles an hour.

And it's like, hey, tech people, could you maybe invent something to stop the fire cyclone?

And they're like, no, no, no, we're busy inventing Shazam for soup.

Motherfucker, you're doing the wrong thing.

Hey, the IPCC climate report says we have 12 years to reduce carbon emissions or civilization will collapse.

Could you maybe invent something that will suck the carbon out of the sky?

And they're like, no, we're really focused on inventing Uber for Uber.

So if you don't have Uber, you can see who around you has Uber and then get them to call you an Uber.

So we're going to do that first.

And then the climate.

I mean,

in terms of the property, there is a slight, I mean,

the root problem with the kind of property all around the world is, well,

I'll demonstrate this through a quick sociological experiment.

Who here likes having somewhere to live?

That is a captive market, and

capitalism is all over that.

The excess or tech s if you will around this area is quite Uber's worth $120 billion,

apparently.

Now, on what the Philadelphia Phillies are paying Bryce Harper on his recently signed contract, you could hire Bryce Harper with what Uber is worth for 4,227 MLB seasons,

plus the first 44 games of the 4,728 season of his contract, and the first two innings of game 45 of that series.

I love us that, at which point he will down tools and join the Mets

in vengeance for the Phillies fans having given him so much grief for the last 4,712 seasons of his contract.

Risk giving a player a contract that long.

Spoiler alert, the Mets could be contenders in the year 6,746.

Do you think we're getting our economic priorities slightly wrong as a species, NATO?

Yes.

A good simple answer.

I mean, I think the choices that are being made, not just in San Francisco and America, but all around the world, you look at India, you look at, I mean, basically, just the choices that global capitalism is making.

I would say it's like when you meet a naked man and you give him $1,000 to go away and smarten himself up,

we've all been there.

And

he goes away with his $1,000 and

he spends $30 on quite a nice tie.

You know, quite a smart tie.

Where it's a wedding's bar mitzvahs, job interviews, the works.

And $970 on an absolutely incredible haircut.

And sure, I mean it is a truly, truly sensational haircut.

It's one of the greatest haircuts you've ever seen.

It's a perfectly passable tie.

But those are some conversationally distracting testicles.

So I hope I've explained economic inequality in an excessive term.

We're supposed to believe that the system is rational and this rewards the best and the brightest,

but it's like everyone acts like the trauma that these IPOs are going to cause to the city is just inevitable and natural.

It's like, oh, we're going to let a bunch of young men get very rich on companies that don't turn a profit and then make bad decisions and destroy an entire city, but boys will be boys.

Like, what kind of public policy is that?

Thank you, six people.

I will have pitchforks at the exits.

We are close to Russian Hill.

We can get them from here.

Incidentally,

thank you, six people, is the title of my forthcoming showbiz autobiography.

Homelessness is

a side effect of it.

I mean, it's a bizarre city for that, isn't it?

It's very, it's sort of in your face all the time, the homelessness.

And I think there's more than half a million homeless in the USA, 200,000 unsheltered homeless.

Doesn't make me think if only there was some solution other than the 12 million unoccupied homes in the USA, or the $19 trillion GDP of the USA, or the $650 billion spent every year on the defence budget, or the $450 billion a year lost through tax evasion, or the $1 million a day it cost Donald Trump to go to his Mar-a-Lago, Florida wankpad.

If only there was some kind of solution, but there isn't.

In other tech news,

Baratunde, well, Donald, let's turn to Donald Trump, your

great leader and guru, and your spiritual touchstone here in America.

Our placeholder, yes.

And well he's dealings with the boss of Apple.

So last week in a meaningless government meeting about creating jobs and excuses for inaction, the president referred to the CEO of Apple as Tim Apple

rather than his real name Tim Goddam Subsequent to this incident, the president in a private fundraiser with members of the Republican National

Comment Committee

denied this took place and blamed it all on fake news and said he just said cook really quietly, but he really said Tim Cook from Apple.

But you couldn't hear the cook or the from part because fake news was lying on him once again.

Oh, he must get so bored of all these lies that are told against him.

I mean, in many ways, he's just getting back to the basics of how names emerge.

This is how surnames began, isn't it?

You are what you do.

Yeah.

That's right.

Your last name is your job.

If your last name was Baker, you're baked.

If your last name was f ⁇ er, you f ⁇ ed.

Are we learning?

Are we learning?

These are true facts.

My last name is a lie.

My grandfather was a Czech Jew called Adolf Friedenberg, and he went to England and made ball bearings for the RAF, and they were like, oh, we don't like signing invoices to an adult.

So he changed it to Andrew Peter Fraser.

Not funny, just a fact.

There is no place for facts on this show, Alice.

You should know that by now.

Nature News, Alice, you are.

Do you think that we should skip this?

No, because I've done loads of graphics for it, and I can only do them at this gig and perhaps tomorrow.

We're fucking doing it.

And if anyone has to leave or wants to leave,

I want to...

I want...

Fuck you, Alice.

I'm so grateful for this opportunity, Andy.

It's like John Oliver all over again.

Quitter, that one.

Shall I tell the story then?

Tell the story about the dog.

Ah, a dog who befriended a mountaineering expedition and tagged along with them managed to scale a 23,000-foot Himalayan peak, thereby really rubbing in how what they thought was a great test of endurance and human courage was literally a walk in the park.

There's an American guy called Don Wargowski who was leading a group of mountaineers from the Kathmandu-based summit club when they were joined by this enthusiastic puppy and he just didn't leave for days and days and in fact beat them to the top of the mountain.

That's what happens if you go from a place called Kathmandu.

That's it.

That is all you're getting.

I do have a half-written pun run

about listing all the most populated American states, but I

hadn't quite finished it.

And I've oregone on too long.

This should go Nevada.

That's That's the main thing.

It is a shame to cut it off.

I'd a whole load more lined up.

But I've got to stop.

I'm very delaware of that.

But

I sympathise with people who don't like this kind of thing.

Kind of ark and sword of see it anyway.

There's a guy drinking a GNT down who looks like he wants to chuck it at me, but he hasn't so far.

He didn't want to waste the gin, yeah.

Waste the gin.

Waste the gin.

Right.

It's time to go to bed.

It's definitely.

It's definitely.

It's definitely time to go to bed.

Right.

Well, I've got to really link up with the audience or you've got to end it.

I've got to connect or cut it.

Connect or cut it.

Some people are laughing, some people are wondering the reason for this.

It's a real mixture of ha, why?

Maybe I should ask, maybe I should consult Alice on whether or not to carry on with this.

I'll tell you, I'll ask her.

So, thanks, gratitude to whoever it was who asked for puns.

Who was it again?

You, Tar.

Boom!

Right, we're done, we're done, we're done,

we're done.

There you go, that is your bugle for this week.

Enormous thanks to everyone who came to the Bugle live shows in the USA, they were fantastic fun to do, and I have learned an awful lot about PowerPoint.

Hopefully, we'll be back in the not-too-distant future.

And special thanks to Alice and her consistent brilliance at truly ungodly hours of the morning in London for most of the tour and then latterly at a well more godly hour of the afternoon in Australia but without having yet acclimatised to the different time of day so still feeling like it was a truly ungodly hour of the morning.

She was frankly heroic.

If you are in Australia do go to see her show at the forthcoming Melbourne International Comedy Festival and elsewhere thereafter.

Details on her website.

And if you've enjoyed NATO and Barratunde, there is plenty more of them on the internet as well.

Do look them up.

And don't forget to come to those Satirists for High shows at Soho 26th to the 28th of March.

Brexit or no Brexit yet or no Brexit ever or Emergency Compromise Trial 8-minute Brexit to see how things go.

Emails to satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

Until next week, Buglers, super.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.