12 Bum Salute - Bugle 4100

Hello, buglers.

Before Andy gets on with Bugle 4100, this is Chris from a kitchen in England.

Thank you very much for all your donations to keep the show going so far.

You can help keep us alive by going to thebuglepodcast.com and clicking on donate.

And you'll no longer experience any adverts on the show except this.

I don't know if this counts as an ad or not.

Buy things.

Buy things now.

Right over to the tour wankers.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please welcome the world to Amazon World

for the first time in Chicago.

Thank you, Leva!

So this

show here tonight in Portland is doubling up as at least part of issue 4100 of the Bugles,

the world's leading only and possibly best audio newspaper for a visual world.

For those you've not listened to it before there have not been 4100 episodes

of the Bugles.

That would be basically almost one a day for the entire history of podcasting.

Also a quick bit of further bit of housekeeping.

This venue does have a two-laugh minimum

so anyone failing to laugh at least twice during the course of the show will be asked to leave the venue at the end of the gig

as indeed will everyone else.

It's the 7th of March 2019.

Well, you have just cheered, cheer by cheering the 7th of me, you've cheered the anniversary anniversary in 1799 of Napoleon Bonaparte, pictured there, capturing the city of Jaffa in Palestine and brutally slaughtering 2,000 Albanian captives.

You have cheered that.

You love unnecessary conflict.

This is America.

You just can't help yourselves.

You've also cheered the 500th anniversary of in 1519 Hernan Cortez arriving in Mexico and starting plundering the wealth and resources of the Aztecs and murdering the local population.

You've cheered that.

Was that all right?

That was all right with you.

You've also cheered the birth in 1788 of the prominent pioneering French scientist, Antoine César Becquerel.

You've cheered that.

There he is.

You've cheered that.

He did sadly later die.

So

do you want.

Honestly.

You people, honestly.

Also, this week, it was World Rare Disease Day.

Yesterday, in, yeah, there you go, let's hear it for rare diseases.

Yesterday in the show in Denver, a woman cheered this raucously.

And I said, why did you cheer that so loudly?

And she said, because I don't have gonorrhea or

you don't have gonorrhea or what?

You have to confer on the other one that you don't have.

You don't have gonorrhea or what was the other one?

I don't remember, but I just didn't.

But you do have all the other diseases.

Anyway, tomorrow, Rare Disease Day, we've got a special Bugle giveaway, and we are giving you a free dose of a rare disease of your choice from the following options.

Arachnophobicophobia,

in which you are afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Spicer-Huckabee Syndrome, in which you gradually start to regret working for a.

This is a particularly serious one in America.

Televisual novicially aggravated spontaneous centro-digital inversion impulsionism, in which, whenever the news is on, you are compelled to flip a bird at your television.

And the most dangerous disease of all in 2019, hope.

So, choose your.

Some sections of the bugle are going, where?

They're going where?

Correct, they are going in the bin and

in the bin

We have for your delectation in the bin this week to start with Portland or a special section on Portland Oregon your your home said Did you like living here?

It's a good place to live

I was reading about Oregon you had a crack at being an independent republic Apparently for five years in the 1840s.

That's all they only lasted five years.

Let me tell you America independence never works out.

Just to give it time, obviously the most thing Portland is most famous for is this.

An old, defunct carpet.

I mean, obviously,

you got rid of the Portland carpet, and then the following year, Donald Trump was elected president.

Join the f ⁇ ing dots, people!

Well, that wasn't doing the local economy any good, the Portland carpet.

Do you know that the local economy in Portland and the surrounding areas of Oregon, that carpet was costing your economy $132 billion a year, and people just staring at it, just staring lovingly at your carpet.

I think what the Portland carpet shows as a historical

story is it's a big problem being a country as young as America when

a 30-year-old carpet becomes

like Stonehenge for Britain.

I mean in Europe we have two and a half thousand year old temples that people use as urinals

I think or maybe I just took a piss on the Parthenon I forget but anyway look I forget

also in the bin this week we have a well this is another one this is Know Your Country now

Special Competition

It's very important for you to know about your country and

the tech here.

Are you from Minneapolis or did you just live there for a bit?

I'm from Minneapolis.

From Minneapolis.

So we've got a special Minneapolis or St.

Paul, obviously the Twin Cities.

But do you know which is which?

How much do you know about the other major cities in your country?

We're going to play Minneapolis or St.

Paul.

I'm going to show you something and tell you about it.

You have to tell me if it's from Minneapolis or St.

Paul.

So we'll start with this.

This is a picture of the 45th largest city in America.

Is that Minneapolis or is it St.

Paul?

Minneapolis.

Minneapolis, correct.

correct, that is Minneapolis, so 1-0 to Minneapolis.

Now, beheaded by the Romans in 65 AD.

On the orders of Emperor Nero, is that Minneapolis or St.

Paul?

Correct, it is St.

Paul.

Very well done.

This place loves sports and is home to Target Field, home of the Minnesota Twins baseball team.

Is that Minneapolis or St.

Paul?

Correct.

2-1 to Minneapolis.

And now,

incorrigible letter writer

who famously penned off epistles to, amongst others, the Corinthians, the Ephesians, his auntie Pam,

who got a bit lonely but always wrote back.

The Damascus Highways Office

complaining about the state of the roads.

He also wrote to Roman history writing, so let Pliny the Elder asking for an autograph.

And he wrote to cereal manufacturers trying to win competitions by finishing sentences like, I love Judean Chuck or corn pops because dot dot dot

is that Minneapolis or is it St.

Paul?

Right, okay, so we're getting towards, so it's two all now and that's got, oh, we're out of time.

It's two all, which means we have a sudden death over time tiebreaker.

As this morphs into something different from what it started as.

Who's going to win Minneapolis or St.

Paul?

It's going to be judged by who has the more down-to-earth, believable, credible boss.

Is it Minneapolis' current boss, Donald Trump?

Or is it St.

Paul, whose boss was famously God?

So who is more realistic and down-to-earth out of those two?

Let's find out.

And the winner is

God.

God is the winner.

And so that's a win for St.

Paul.

And there is St.

Paul.

And

oh, hang on, what's that?

What's that?

He's got a bit of a message for you, I think, here in Portland.

There, he's flipped you the bird.

St.

Paul has flipped you the V.

So you're gonna take that line down now, right?

Well, I enjoyed that maybe more than you did.

And it is now time

to

introduce our fantastic bugle co-host for today's live bugle here in Portland.

And

we are about to try something truly incredible here

within,

well, context.

And here it is.

Let's see if this is going to work.

Is this going to work?

Here we go.

Alice Fraser!

Hello Andy, hello buglers, how are you?

Hang on.

I thought you were in London Alice.

Well that doesn't look like London to me.

Oh yeah no I'm reporting here from the midst of Portland in 1898.

As you know I'm from Australia and have therefore overshot the time difference significantly.

So I've accidentally arrived quite a long time before the gig is meant to start.

Oh boy, I thought modern society was unwelcoming to female comedians.

I cannot get booked here except by a lady calling herself syphilitic Mary, the town slut wrangler, and she won't accept occasional bugle co-host as a reputable writing credit.

On stage,

hi, how are you?

I mean, who are you?

I can't see you.

I know I look like a cat.

Well, Alice is down the other end of

this video camera, so you can all wave at her.

Okay.

Everyone wave at Alice.

This is Portland.

And that's you on the screen.

You are absolutely fing enormous.

Don't fad shame me, Annie.

But you are quite literally currently big in America.

Now.

Right, I think it's time for our top story this week.

Oh no, hang on, before we do that, I always forget this bit.

It's America.

What we got to do before you start anything in America?

National anthems, that's right.

That's right, before we start.

So please, everyone, please be upstanding for the national anthems before the bugle.

On your feet, Portland.

Everybody up?

Everybody up.

Unfortunately, we don't actually have very much time for this, so we've got to get through it quickly.

In fact, for all the national anthems before today's bugle, we only have 18 seconds, so we're going to have to crack through them.

And that's an anthem for Alice, for me, and for you as host country.

Here we go.

Oh, I'm still European for another three weeks.

Right, you can sit.

There we go.

Very important.

I don't know.

National anthems are a bit of a curious thing for me.

I'm not a massive fan of the British national anthem, which is essentially appealing to a deity deity that most of Britain no longer believes in to save a woman who already has the best medical care and security detail that money can possibly buy.

These are wasted words.

If only we'd been singing God save our industrial sector, we

might not be.

And your national anthem is essentially all about blowing Brits up, isn't it?

Isn't it from

1814?

Is that right?

What was it?

It was a siege or or something, was it?

Sorry?

Siege of Fort McHenry.

The siege of Fort McHenry in 1814, which was part of the War of 1812.

So,

mind you joined that one unusually early.

The Australian national anthem is basically just kind of

smiling.

I mean, it was going to be Waltzing Matilda, which was a very popular song about a man who stole a sheep.

And then they decided that that wasn't quite respectable enough so they went with the most boring song in all of history.

That's what national anthems are all about.

I mean they would have found that funnier if they knew anyone outside their own country.

Alice this is one of the bits on the edge of America.

It's not the bit.

Right, it's time now for now we've done the national anthem, it's time for top story this week.

Right, Alice, you're bringing us the top story this week, one of the most momentous pieces of news in the history of this planet.

Yes, in important evolution news now, the missing link has been found.

Dr.

Sidney Tam, a scientist at the Marine Biological Laboratory, has made a really spectacular finding in his work plumbing the depths of the salty ocean.

He has discovered a creature with a transient anus.

Sorry, hang on.

Oh, what?

A transient anus, an anus anus that appears only when it is needed before vanishing completely.

So

jellyfish are famous for their complete lack of features,

including being notably anus-free, but Dr.

Tam has discovered that the warty comb jelly or sea walnut isn't a jellyfish at all because it has an on-demand streaming service, an occasional anus

that appears only when it's needed like Batman or Batman if you will.

I won't, but you can if you like

We can no longer write the wartycomb jelly off as just another buttless blob floating anus and fancy-free through the watery deeps of the briny seas.

Now that we looked further into its ephemeral anus, we realize it represents a critical stage in evolutionary history.

It is the missing link, the Yeti of the anus, the bridge between the butthole-free jellyfish and us babutoled beings.

Did you just use the word?

Sorry, did you just use the word babut hold?

Yes.

I I was so happy with that.

I think

isn't that used in like the Fourth Amendment or something?

I can't remember.

Its fleeting state of anus should be an inspiration for those of us who would like to go back to simpler times in our evolutionary history, times when we could make fleeting use of a momentary anus and then move on with our lives, not haunted by the constant presence of a vulnerable back door.

We poor species permanently adorned with the enduring sphincter, the uncomfortable reminder that not all progress is good, should lord Dr.

Sidney Tam as a hero.

He has left skid marks on the pages of science,

plugging this gaping hole in our sphincteral history with the poop of knowledge.

He will receive a lifetime supply of poisonous jellyfish and a 12-bum salute.

Alice Fraser, ladies and gentlemen.

So,

I mean, here's the world.

The world, as we know, is full of assholes.

And

I think this jellyfish clearly could be, I mean, it could be very much very

giant arceless jellyfish, I think, is probably the best solution we've yet come up with for all the

transient anus is such a bizarre.

I imagine that's what you are all hoping your president will prove to be in

the history of America.

In my head, the transient anus has a little bag on a stick over his shoulder, and he just says, I'm just passing through, man.

Don't thank me, it's my job.

Well, I mean, there are clearly, I mean, there are parts of the human body and anatomy that come and go according to necessity in this similar way.

For example, the part of the brain which remembers crucial pieces of evidence or truly appalling behavior in court cases.

There's some.

Have we got any more on the Arcelus jellyfish?

Will we move on to other jellyfish news, Alice?

We could move on to other jellyfish news, but I was just looking at the internet today and I realized it is also International Women's Day, Andy, a day in which you suggested the lead story should be the discovery of a non-jellyfish with an ephemeral poop chute.

Well,

sorry.

We can't just get rid of the patriarchy overnight.

No, no, I just wanted to take a moment to celebrate International Women's Day, which is a beautiful day in which women and men and non-binary persons all over the world display their appreciation for the women in their lives, in history, the women out of whose vaginas they platonically emerged or into whose vaginas they non-platonically would like to enter.

You know, it's a perfect day.

It's the day in which people of the world argue vehemently about the parameters of the abstract and flexible lattice work of gender and biological sex into which we are attempting to scoop 51% of more than 7 billion people.

That was a very lucid sentence for, I believe it is, 4.35 a.m.

in London.

So, um,

in other words.

Which is to say, I didn't write any jokes on the second jellyfish story, sorry.

Oh, right, okay.

Uh,

so, um,

well, uh, jellyfish could solve this, could solve the issue of plastic in the oceans.

I mean, this is quite exciting news because there's no way we're going to do it.

We're so bad at solving the problem of plastic in the oceans.

Whales and dolphins have come up with a scheme of just trying to eat the problem away, but

that is short-termist on their behalf.

I mean, some people I'd say, I know your president is not the most committed environmentalist,

if I may quote the International Society of Vast Understatements.

And

he did recently say in a speech that we need to get it in perspective and that more than 90% of the ocean is still not plastic.

So we need to try and keep some kind of perspective.

And here we have the little bits of plastic off the tops of beer.

But let's look on the positive side.

I see that as just SM kit for sexually adventurous terrapins.

But a German company has been

made a microplastic filter using jellyfish mucus.

Isn't science fun?

Well, I think it's great.

I think it's about time some of these other species started doing their bit for the environment.

Why is it always us that has to clear up our own mess, these f ⁇ ing freeloaders?

In Bees Can Do Maths News Now, researchers at the RMIT University in Australia have discovered that bees can do maths, which raises a lot of

questions about the intelligence of the insect world and whether we have underrated the sentience of all of the horrible tiny creatures we're probably about to be relying on for our sole source of protein if the environmentalists take away our beef burgers.

Also raises questions for me about what kind of maniac scientist decides to do bee maths experiments in the first place.

Where's that eureka moment?

Is it, oh my god, I'm covered in bees.

How many of them are there?

I wonder if they know or what?

I mean we do need to get it in some kind of perspective how good are I mean bees are good at maths for their size

compared with humans of similar dimensions

but I mean in the grand scheme of things they're really not there no bee has ever got a degree in maths from a top 20 ranked university in either Britain or the USA

no bee has had a major mathematical law named after it, whereas f loads of humans have.

We have have the de Bruyne Erdos theorem both of them human not bees that's 2-0

Euclid's theorem the ancient Greco-Egyptian the father of geometry or big popper angles as he liked to be known

he was not a bee he was a human mathematician like so many of the best mathematicians

Hilbert's axiom was named after David Hilbert who was German but not a bee and was never recorded as having flown around someone's picnic buzzing and trying to steal their jam sandwiches.

And also Hilbert lived to the age of 81 and that's older than the average bee by almost 81 years.

And here's a little fact about bees.

In a recent scientific survey it turned out that 37% of all bees were in fact Amazon picnic drones.

Spying what people are eating.

That's buying everything.

I mean sure Andy bees are better are not as good as humans at maths but they are better than some humans at maths.

Honeybees, according to Dr.

Adrian Dyer and his research, can understand the concept of zero and learn to correctly indicate which of two groups of objects is smaller, which is really hard to do for humans, especially when you're trying to figure out the size of a crowd at an inauguration.

On which subject?

I think it's time to move on now.

Oh, so what was that, Chris?

Move on, Andy.

Okay, I will move on.

Good point.

All right, um,

keep an eye, he runs a tight ship.

Here we are.

America news now.

And

well, so how is America going?

Would you say?

Out of ten, how do you score America right now, Portland?

Negative five.

I mean, let's get things in perspective.

I mean,

1914, France scored only 1.2.

So

let's try and keep.

I mean, clearly, it's been quite an exciting day today.

There we are.

Paul Manafort.

He seemed to get a rather

unsevere sentence and a curious one.

It's all 47 months.

And do you think that was rather lenient?

I mean, the judge in his ruling did have some very harsh words for Manafort, said that he was a, quote, very naughty boy.

Had to go and think about what he's done.

And

I'm trying to get it in perspective.

I was reading an article on the website, The Guardian, about

a chap called Timothy Jackson, who was given a life sentence without parole for stealing a jacket worth $159.

Manafort is having to pay back $24 million

that he'd fraudulently acquired.

And presumably, that is only the tip of the iceberg.

Even if you take that as what he essentially stole, and you applied the same equivalent, say, even if it says a 30-year sentence for stealing a $159 jacket, Manafort on that basis would be facing 4.7 million years in jail

rather than 47 months.

And he's not come across as particularly racked by regret

for tax fraud, bank fraud, conspiracy to defraud the USA, witness stamping.

He's basically been as remorseful as a dog that stole a packet of sausages and was then punished by his owner by being forced to eat another packet of sausages.

But it does mean, there he is, with

Donald Trump.

What was Donald Trump's reaction to Manafort's conviction?

This is what he said about it.

Stupid

laws.

They make my fing life very, very difficult.

And what's as a result?

I mean, he's not going to take this lying down.

What's next on his agenda?

I want to repeal and replace our laws, Mexicans, women, and our Constitution.

So

here's a fact

that came out of the manifold.

Do you know there are now more people in the American prison system who used to work in the Trump White House than there are people in the American prison system who previously also used to be in the American prison system?

That's a little joke about American re-offending rates.

It's a nice market, but a ticket sale is a ticket sale.

So clearly, Trump has...

Well, I mean, there he is after the failed recent summit.

Your president there, and next to him, a man chosen to represent all of humanity.

And here's a little question for you now.

Who here knows the number of current investigations into Donald Trump?

Anyone?

47, Kevin.

27?

47?

It's not an auction, but

it basically is an auction.

Let's find out.

It's 12.

12,472.

So what makes that so amazing, Portland, is that I've just told you that your president has 12,472 live investigations into him.

It's clearly a lie, but none of you have said, no, Andy, that's incorrect.

You've just assumed that it might be.

It might be right.

Might be the actual number.

That is not, that's

incorrect.

That number is, in fact, the number of runs scored by the England cricketer, Alistair Cook,

who recently retired from international cricket.

That's what he scored in his test match career.

What are you booing that for?

Why are you booing?

What?

You don't like cricket what the why the f not

it's the greatest thing ever invented Portland

right

okay

Alice you probably couldn't see that but I know what's happened here what's happened here is the greatest heckle in history this

this

has just been rolled onto the stage

thanks for that

Can I just ask?

I mean, it's the first time someone's rolled a cricket ball across across the stage when I've been on stage.

A, where did you get it?

In Portland.

You got it in London.

So that, I mean, you've planned this.

Do you fly to London just to buy a cricket ball?

You know, he came from London.

You could have just dropped it off.

You could have just left it there.

So let's look ahead now, instead of looking backwards and sideways and inwards to 2020, the 2020 election.

There, some of the candidates have already declared.

So, who do you think is going to win?

Bernie.

So, I mean, I think he's an interesting candidate, a good candidate.

I've been looking at a number of the candidates, some of whom I don't entirely believe in.

Bernie Sanders, good candidate, interesting candidate.

I think an even better candidate than Bernie Sanders, though, is the idea of Bernie Saunders.

That's a tremendous candidate, could go all the way.

Elizabeth Warren, I guess the question does arise: is America ready for someone who thinks democracy can and should work for everyone?

It's a big fing step.

Amy Klobuchar, if I pronounce that right,

who has been described as Trump's worst nightmare.

I hope he has worse nightmares than that.

I hope he is haunted by himself.

John Hickenlooper,

obviously made up.

I mean, this is a thing.

I mean, I'm going to look at Tulsi Gabbar.

That's the kind of shit I make up on the bugle.

Pete Butterjee.

How's that pronounced?

Buttag.

B-U-T-T-I-G-I-E-G.

That's just someone who fell asleep on a keyboard.

Demolius Flartage,

from Mid-Dakota, he's got a chance.

Pinicius Trouch,

interesting campaign.

He's pledged to do absolutely nothing,

which presumably will make Congress spring into action and do loads of stuff.

Tom Brady, he's just announced ideal, ideal for the Republicans.

He's high profile, famous, he's hard to take down, and he's a proven cheap.

What more do they want?

Grover Cleveland, Grover Cleveland's back, he's going for number three by Ouija board.

And very excitingly, we are delighted today to announce Alice and I

the launch of the Zoltzmann Fraser 2020 campaign.

We are standing

for president with our campaign slogan

better lies for a better America.

Everyone's going to lie to you during the campaign.

You might as well get good lies that make you feel better about yourself.

So

I mean sure, I mean this is a campaign that seems doomed to failure.

It's an Englishman, an Australian woman.

That's not traditionally a successful ticket in American elections, but there are no certainties in politics anymore.

Who'd have thought you would elect?

Anyway,

you can finish that sentence on your own.

So Alice, will you get us started with some lies for 2020?

Yes, I'm going to abolish all gun checks and all gun licenses.

Free guns for all, but all bullets will be replaced by flags that say bang.

there we go that's the perfect compromise the only other compromise i can think of on the whole second amendment stick other than applying the second and a half amendment which it was seen to fall on the floor in 1791 which was clearly as time goes by apply common sense you idiots

was to fit all guns with a special device so there's a 30-minute cooling off period between pulling the trigger and the gun actually firing.

Here's a lie for you.

I want you to spread this around America throughout 2020.

Some immigrants are magic.

And

if you smile at one or lick them on the ear, they will make you taste the taste of strawberry whenever you look at a truck.

Now,

there's been a lot of lies told about immigrants, and most of them are very negative.

Tell some positive lies, for f ⁇ 's sake.

Just get it out there.

I also do think we need to grow up about immigration in our two countries, particularly when you think of all the doctors countries like Britain and America have stolen from other places.

I think most illegal immigrants only come to our countries to see their local GP.

Alice, next lie.

Yes, national swear jar.

You can call people online, but every time you do it, I have to pay a dollar.

I think that will wipe off your $22 trillion national debt in about a month.

Such is the internet.

The environmental lobby, there's a lot of lies told about what the environmental lobby wants to do, Jim.

We'll come on to some of those lies shortly.

but this is what the Environmental Lobby really wants: is for everyone in America to own a solar-powered pogo stick that will enable them to boing across America at 140 kilometers an hour.

And also, they want to replace all fossil fuels and instead power the American electricity grid using sexual tension,

which they will hook up all teenage boys in America to the national electricity system and a load of French teachers.

Don't know what that says about French teachers you've had in the past, Andy.

Absolute freedom of religion if and only if you can pass a basic logic and comprehension test.

Oh, that is long, long overdue.

Believe what you want, but you have to be able to read it out loud.

I think I'm going to pledge more great Americans because there's two.

I think you need more because you're quite a young country.

I think you need to steal some from other countries.

So I'm going to announce that the ancient Greek science star Archimedes was actually from Utah.

The also American, the great Italian fresco painter Giotto, the Australian cricket legend Don Bradman, and the prophet Elijah.

He was in fact a professor of prophecy at UMIST.

And Florence Nightingale, now American.

Oh yeah.

And one more lie that I will say.

What virtual reality headsets for all?

I think this is the only way we can bring, we can have harmony in the world.

Is if everyone gets their own virtual reality headset and can live out whatever fing future they want.

And it's basically just, it's just an it's just it's it's really the logic of the wall applied to individual heads.

And also, spread this.

If you let women control their own bodies and wombs, chicken nuggets will become 36% cheaper.

Get it out there.

Also, I will declare war.

That's all American candidates have to promise a war.

And I will declare war on dinosaurs.

Because you've got to have wars in America.

That's very much how you define yourself.

But wars, the best war.

What is the best war?

The winnable war.

And what is the most winnable war?

The war that has already been won.

So

down with dinosaurs.

Right, it's time to move on.

That's the breaking news and breaking news just coming.

Maybe skip press bits.

Sorry, what's that, Chris?

Maybe skip press bits.

We can't skip it.

It's in the PowerPoint presentation and I can't change it.

Right, we have now, it's bugle co-host video time to start us off, Tom Ballard.

Hello Andy!

Hello American buglers and f you Chris or as the Americans say f you Chris

Andy, thanks so much for smuggling me into the United States as an illegal immigrant.

I really appreciate it, and I'm pretty sure they'll be fine with it.

They seem pretty chill.

Locks, Zoltzman up!

Locks ultimate up!

Just kidding, I'm actually here in Australia, where everything's going really well, except for the fact that everything's either on fire, underwater, or dead.

We're still stuck in this shitty drought.

There are bushfires going on in Tasmania, there's floods in Queensland, and in January, in Lake Benindi in western New South Wales, we found a million dead fish.

Either that's an ecological crisis, or bloody Jesus is up to his old tricks again, going fing mental, trying to feed the multitudes.

Piss off, Jesus.

He's flipped a double bird at the Jadon.

Would you believe it?

Not even Jewish.

Anyway, Tom Brallard did all his own graphics.

Look at that.

Super effort there.

Piss off, Jesus.

Anyway, despite all these bad things happening to our environment, our Minister for the Environment, Melissa Price, former lawyer for the coal industry, hasn't really been saying or doing anything at all.

In fact, the National Director of the Wilderness Society referred to her as the invisible minister.

I have a question for you, Andy Zaltzmann.

If the world were to elect an international minister for the environment, who do you think should fill that position?

That is the way to pose a question.

Alice, any suggestions for international minister for the environment?

Yeah, give it to the bees.

They can do the maths and they've got skin in the game.

Good point.

Just quickly on the environment, another big environmental story.

They're coming for your burgers.

This is what sent the Green Lobby's after.

They are coming to take your burgers.

Don't believe me, believe the great environmental scientist.

It is Sebastian Gorker, former White House aide, now great environmental scientist.

Was it him or was it Leon Trotsky?

Can you tell the difference?

I'm not sure I can.

He's in deep cover, deep, deep cover.

Now,

he said some extraordinary things about the Green New Deal, an obvious conspiracy, the Green New Deal, to ensure that life on earth is viable in a hundred years' time, but what's in it for me as a consumer?

He said this, this Machiavellian scheme by

the environmental lobby.

They want to take your pickup truck.

They don't, they just want to make it more sustainable and cheaper.

It's quite generous, really.

They want to rebuild your home.

Again, it's a lovely offer.

And they want to take away your hamburgers.

They want to steal hamburgers from the mouths of Americans.

That's what the Green Lobby wanted to do when he said these extraordinary words.

This is what Stalin dreamed about but never achieved.

I mean, that is one of the most extraordinary.

Out of all the bullshit that has been spouted over the last two years, I think we might have a winner.

Co-host video time, but not any co-host.

It is in fact a Bugle former co-host.

Do you you want to know who it might be let's find out

hello

buglers there it is

um

there it is sergeant splitter himself the uh

the benedict arnold of the 21st century um

uh there he's communing with you buglers look at that look of pure spiritual joy in his for those of you not listened to the bugle i did the bugle for about eight years with john oliver uh he sadly had to retire from bugle duty back in 2015 because he didn't have time for it anymore.

Because, well, sadly, things have not been going too well for John, and

he doesn't have enough time to have to quit comedy entirely, in fact, and settle down and get a regular nine to five.

He's

working as an accounts clerk for a Manhattan delivery firm.

Anyway, let's see what he's got to say.

I'm sorry I can't be there.

Look how sorry he is.

That's his.

Have you ever seen a sorrier pair of eyes than that?

No, no, very sorry indeed.

I don't know where I've been these last few years either.

The honest answer is I just don't know what to make fun of.

The world seems to be going really well.

So I hope you have a wonderful time there.

Please watch The Lion King this year.

He can't help it.

He can't help plugging his films.

He's all about the big screen.

Is it going to be less shit than your other films, John?

I haven't seen it, Andy.

But the beauty about setting a low bar is it makes it almost catastrophically difficult not to clear it.

It's me and Beyoncé.

You like Beyoncé, don't you, Andy?

I'm a bird.

Portland, it's been a delight coming here.

I love this venue.

It's a terrific venue.

Do continue to

support it.

Thanks very much for having me to the Alberta Rose.

Any final questions?

Puns.

It is 5.40 a.m.

Puns can be fatal at 5.40am.

Give the people what they want, Andy.

Okay, all right.

Well, since you ask.

Well,

God knows Americans have never voted against their own self-interest.

Well, since I was here in Oregon,

I was thinking of the, I thought maybe they might be pretty

unorganized.

So I'm sorry, they're a bit derivative.

I had a dog from Oregon once, actually.

A rescue dog.

One of his legs was much shorter than the other three.

And try as he might, he couldn't get all his feet onto the ground.

He couldn't get his portal land.

Portaland.

A mate of mine said, yes, I go on a boating trip while I was here.

No way, I said.

I don't know where to hire boats.

Anyway, Anyway, I don't even know how to sail them.

Sorry about his puns, but when you feel the you can't you can't stop it.

I was born this way.

It's in Eugenes.

Anyway, I was travelling through the state reading a novel, legal thriller,

Gresham,

Gresham.

And I bumped into the male sibling of the former Democratic presidential candidate from 2016, Hillsborough.

You know, he was disgusted by Donald, what Donald Trump said during that campaign.

He said, it's awful what he'd said about women.

I can't believe that he used the word pussy.

He should have said beaver to not cause quite so much offence.

I don't know why I'm bothering me this.

Must be going round the bend.

I decided to kayak down Oregon's biggest rivers and bodies of water.

I hoped on the way to meet one of my favourite three American talk show hosts, Oprah, Jerry, and Ricky.

I bumped into Oprah and Jerry at a campsite and I thought if I can find Ricky, I will have met all three of them.

Anyway,

five days in, no luck.

I thought I'll drown my sorrows in ale.

I went to a bar for a pretty glum beer, glum beer, glum beer.

And I was just about to shoot some pool

when out the window I saw her.

there she was, Ricky Lake,

counting

up the little edible shelled creatures in the water so she could get the right number for her chowder.

It was impressive.

Her clam math was amazing.

Anyway,

we got quite friendly, so I decided to send them all some of my favourite blues music.

I sent Muddy Waters to Winfrey, I sent some Buddy Guy to Springer, and some Robert Crater Lake.

Crater Lake.

And there we are, those are my Oregon puns.

Thank you.

Right, that is now the official end of this gig.

It has been an absolute delight coming to the Alberta Rose.

Please

show your appreciation for Alice Fraser.

She's

pleasure, thank you.

Get some sleep.

I'm switching you off.

Good night.

Good evening.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.