2018, Part One: Kangaroos, Kim & corruption

Speaker 2 The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Speaker 4 Hello Buglers, and welcome to part one of the Bugle Review of 2018.

Speaker 3 I'm Andy Zaltman and what a year it has been for our world-famous planet.

Speaker 4 It has been an unalloyed pleasure to have been able on the Bugle to bring you exclusive coverage of our renowned species' continued exploration of the outer recesses of political lunacy.

Speaker 4 Don't forget you can see my efforts to digest the year's news and regurgitate it as a vaguely edible comedic club sandwich at the Soho Theatre.

Speaker 6 Andy Zoltzmann's 2018 The Certifiable History continues 27th to the 29th of December and then the 2nd to the 5th of January.

Speaker 5 The perfect Christmas present for absolutely anyone alive, dead or otherwise.

Speaker 6 Also starring Alice Fraser, provided neither of us gets trapped by an anti-bugle activist controlled drone or shut down because we look like the US government or mutter something under our breath that may or may not be a suggestion that someone we think has just said something patently stupid may also have some kind of gender.

Speaker 6 Oh, world, you are a bit of a tool.

Speaker 5 Anyway, enough from me.

Speaker 4 Let's hear instead from me, but the old me, earlier in this year with various members of the Bugle co-hosting squadron, as we take you through January to June of a year that will unquestionably go down in history, as indeed do all years.

Speaker 3 Month one, any guesses?

Speaker 4 Yes, it's January 2018.

Speaker 12 Top story out of Australia now. Tourist unable to poo after sexy Rue blocks her from Lou.

Speaker 11 Award-winning

Speaker 12 John Forest National Park just outside of Perth, a French tourist was blocked from using a public toilet by a sexy kangaroo striking a seductive come hither pose in the toilet's entrance.

Speaker 12 This is all anybody's talking about in Australia. It's the most Australian story in the world.

Speaker 12 Have you seen the photo of the roux in question, Andy?

Speaker 14 Oh, God, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've seen the photo. Not that I can Google it now because I think it would be shut down by a safe search function.

Speaker 12 The sexiest goddamn kangaroo I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 1 It is off the charts.

Speaker 12 That is the hottest piece of sexy roux tail out there, and he wants it too. He's not skippy.
He's slutty, baby. Oh, I haven't been aroused since this aroused since reading Blinky Bill as a kid.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 12 the things I'd do to that rule if he'd let me into his pouch. Oh, damn, baby.
Let me be a dirty little joey boy. I want to hop all over you all night long.

Speaker 12 Oh, you like that, baby? Yeah.

Speaker 12 Sorry, fellas, it's been a while.

Speaker 16 What's been a while, Tom?

Speaker 11 Just anyone. Just anything.

Speaker 13 It is warm-blooded.

Speaker 2 Since you last committed a sex crime.

Speaker 2 No, I just, it's not a real country, Tom. You can't tell me that Australia is a real country with this sort of country.

Speaker 12 We have real news stories. It was a really sexy kangaroo, Nish, and she needed to get to the toilet.
Come on, mate.

Speaker 13 I mean, I think, I think

Speaker 18 it's a very.

Speaker 13 Shut up about the cricket.

Speaker 18 This show is over.

Speaker 10 I've already had to do one podcast about the cricket this week.

Speaker 16 That was

Speaker 16 more than enough.

Speaker 7 I'm very concerned about this kangaroo story.

Speaker 14 To me, it shows that the animal kingdom is getting more confident, more cocky.

Speaker 9 They've seen the divisions within our species and they are thinking this could be our chance to get rid of those imperialist pigs.

Speaker 21 And it was interesting what this French tourist said.

Speaker 7 She said,

Speaker 4 Australia is such a beautiful country with perfect weather and I would move here if I could.

Speaker 14 Well, I think she should give it a go because with all due respect she does look like she has all the required paperwork not to end up in a cell on Manus Island or Nauru with 60 other people who also think Australia Australia is beautiful and would move there if they could.

Speaker 14 And by paperwork, I mean white face in a t-shirt with the I'm Definitely Not a Refugee slogan.

Speaker 12 That's all we ask of people.

Speaker 1 It's not too much to sort out. Nish, if you get a chance to have a look at that, you're welcome back anytime.

Speaker 12 The tourist moves, she's a 30-year-old French lady, and she said afterwards, it was so funny, I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it, was posed like that.

Speaker 12 I wouldn't have been surprised if it had said, hey girl, what's up?

Speaker 12 What the hell are you talking about, you sick French weirdo? It's a kangaroo.

Speaker 12 You wouldn't be surprised if a kangaroo said English words to you and not just any words, creepy, flirty, disturbing words. That's sexual harassment.
Hashtag me ru.

Speaker 1 Hashtag me ru.

Speaker 2 That is unbelievably strong work.

Speaker 2 I didn't realise that the film Titanic was so huge in the kangaroo community. It was just looking at that photo.
It is absolutely a homage to Kate Winslet's infamous

Speaker 13 from that movie.

Speaker 2 I assumed the caption was paint me like one of your French animals.

Speaker 12 Very hot at the moment in Australia as well. That's a huge story over here.
And here's a.

Speaker 11 How hot, Tom?

Speaker 23 How hot?

Speaker 1 How hot? How hot?

Speaker 12 We're frying the brains of bats.

Speaker 11 Oh, right, okay. That's that hot.

Speaker 12 Hundreds of fur-covered flying fox bats, which lack sufficient canopy cover and shade in Australia's suburbs, died outside Sydney over the weekend as temperatures soared to 117 degrees Fahrenheit, the hottest it's been since 1939.

Speaker 12 Check out this sentence, okay? The Candon advertiser reports as of Monday, 204 dead bats, mostly babies, whose brains had been boiled, had been collected in Campbelltown.

Speaker 2 It feels like something out of revelations.

Speaker 12 Fake news. Those bats weren't cut out for it, mate.
They're not cut out for our new globally warmed worlds. But I tell you, it's so hot in Australia right now, guys.
It is so hot, Nish and Andy.

Speaker 12 It is so hot.

Speaker 1 How hot, Tom?

Speaker 1 How hot?

Speaker 12 It's so hot, no one can even be bothered being racist here anymore.

Speaker 13 Oh,

Speaker 12 it's so hot in Australia right now.

Speaker 1 How hot, Tom? How hot?

Speaker 12 It's so hot, Nicole Kidman's nose has melted. Oh, it's so hot right now in Australia, Dish.

Speaker 1 I tell you what.

Speaker 13 How hot, Tom? How hot?

Speaker 12 It's so hot, we're becoming delusional and finding kangaroos fkable.

Speaker 1 That's how hot it is right now.

Speaker 24 On the subject of this,

Speaker 21 the French kangaroo blocks blocks toilet lady

Speaker 13 describing.

Speaker 2 As I believe her full name is.

Speaker 25 Describing Australia's perfect weather.

Speaker 14 I mean, how perfect can weather be if the brains of bats have been literally boiling in their heads because it's so f ⁇ ing hot?

Speaker 26 Well, this is lovely weather if you'd like to be able to brew a nice cup of green tea without having to use anything other than the ambient air temperature to heat your water.

Speaker 9 And it's lovely weather if you like bats to cook themselves.

Speaker 2 It's a bloody good thing Gotham City isn't located in New South Wales.

Speaker 12 I believe that woman saw all those baby bats with boiled brains lying all over the ground and she thought, these bats are trying to f me right now.

Speaker 5 Moving on now to February.

Speaker 31 Barely a week goes by in Britain now without some idiot saying something idiotic about Brexit.

Speaker 13 And I mean,

Speaker 33 really, there we go.

Speaker 31 And straight out of the traps today, David Davis, God rest his soul,

Speaker 27 if it is ever located.

Speaker 19 He said, he's promised us all that Brexit will not be some kind of Mad Max style dystopia.

Speaker 13 Stop betraying the will of the people, Brexit.

Speaker 19 That is what we voted for.

Speaker 35 Yeah, David Davis, a man who was once a baby so boring that his parents gave him his own last name as a first name

Speaker 35 has disappointed the nation by saying Brexit will not be a Mad Max style dystopia. What is the point of a dystopia if it's not a Mad Max style one?

Speaker 35 All the other dystopias are either boring or terrifying. I mean, he's right, of course, it's not going to be a Mad Max style dystopia.
It's far more likely that Brexit will be an H. G.

Speaker 35 Wells time machine-style dystopia. You know, H.
G.

Speaker 35 Wells' Victorian science fiction novel, where increasing disparities in wealth between the rich and the poor will lead to humanity evolving into two different species, you know, the Eloy and the Morlocks.

Speaker 13 Yep, them.

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah, so the Eloi are a fet, fruit-eating rich people who just sort of waft about being beautiful and useless, like Gwyneth Paltrow. And the

Speaker 35 Morlocks are ugly underground poor people, and the hideous Morlocks, aka poor people, have basically eat the rich.

Speaker 19 Right, that is our future.

Speaker 35 Yeah, it'll have served rich people right if they don't have their act together in time for the future. Rich people on superfood diets are basically prepping themselves for delicious lunch.

Speaker 35 You know, the trend towards superfoods and expensive acai smoothies mean rich people are hogging all the nutrients and leaving the bad food to the poor.

Speaker 35 It's an excellent development as we move inexorably towards this dystopian future. It is good to know who will be the most nutrient-dense.

Speaker 35 I'm sorry, this started with Brexit and went off track into a delicious dystopia. Look, I don't...

Speaker 35 I'm not saying I want to eat Wynneth Poultro. I'm just saying I'm just going to leave the words grass-fed

Speaker 35 and let you do the rest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course it's not going to be a Mad Max style dystopia. I've seen the Mad Max films.
There's people of colour in them.

Speaker 13 I don't think anyone. What are you oohing about?

Speaker 17 I don't think anyone.

Speaker 15 Nigel Farage's idea of Brexit is not Tina Turner in the Thunderdome.

Speaker 15 Also, it's the specificity of it.

Speaker 2 Like, it's not like anyone has specifically said in public. I mean, we've all thought of it in private, but it's not like anyone was saying, oh, this is going to cause a Mad Max style.

Speaker 2 It's worrying that David Davis was that specific. It's like if you lend someone a cap and they give it back to you and go, I didn't it.

Speaker 2 you're just immediately like well you definitely f this cat and now I have to burn this hat

Speaker 2 hat

Speaker 10 hat I thought you said cat

Speaker 32 and I know I know how rigorous you are about doing all the empirical research for your jokes.

Speaker 17 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 15 I'm the Daniel Day Lewis of cat f ⁇ ing jokes.

Speaker 35 Nish Kumar would never talk about pussy.

Speaker 13 No, no, no, I'm sorry, that was too far. You're right.

Speaker 31 Boris Johnson.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, what's that?

Speaker 33 That's going to be the title of series three of the masterplay, isn't it?

Speaker 17 Basically, work for any topical news show, wouldn't you?

Speaker 13 This week on what's that up to?

Speaker 19 or the extended edition, what are those up to?

Speaker 36 That's later in the week.

Speaker 35 Sub-category of nude with niche.

Speaker 31 Boris Johnson said,

Speaker 31 well, last week now, he insisted that Brexit was not a V-sign from the cliffs of Dover, which, as I pointed out in a radio show last week, is my favourite Vera Lynn song.

Speaker 33 But actually, that is what a lot of people did vote for.

Speaker 31 It was in some of the UKIP literature, a 300-metre-high V-sign on the cliffs of Dover made out of pure British oak.

Speaker 33 The Sinn Fran president said the government does not have a viable plan.

Speaker 32 Again, that was laid out perfectly clearly before the referendum.

Speaker 19 If they suddenly come out with a viable plan, that will again be betraying the will of this nation.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it's all going about as badly as we thought it was going to go. And just to go back to that V sign,

Speaker 2 Boris Johnson said that it isn't a V sign from the Cliffs of Dover, but we actually did that.

Speaker 2 I know that you have just bullshit about it, but do you not remember Paddy Power erected a giant statue of Theresa May flicking the Vs dressed in a Union Jack dress?

Speaker 2 Like, it literally looked like an EDL member's wet dream come to life. Like, it was...

Speaker 32 It was really... Put it with a Thatcher face instead of the Theresa May face.

Speaker 15 Poor old Teresa.

Speaker 31 Well, I think if you get a big big enough V sign and a large bit of elastic, then you could use it as

Speaker 10 a catapult

Speaker 13 to fire all the illegal asylums back to wherever they came from.

Speaker 2 Andy, in this conversation, we have come up with a more specific plan for Brexit than

Speaker 15 the entire government catapulting immigrants off the white cliffs of Dover.

Speaker 2 At least it's a plan.

Speaker 2 Because they've gone for an away day in checkers.

Speaker 2 As we record today, they're currently at an away day to sort of hammer out a Brexit policy. Sort of the thing you probably should have done before you started Brexit.

Speaker 2 And it's classic procrastination. Like, I recognize this from any time I have a deadline for anything.
You go away, you put it off.

Speaker 2 If the government are anything like me, within a couple of days, they'll all be collectively masturbating themselves into oblivion.

Speaker 2 My working method is my working method.

Speaker 32 That would be the perfect metaphor for Brexit.

Speaker 15 Just an enormous conservative circle, Jack.

Speaker 30 It's March

Speaker 35 in fiction and weaponry news now. Young anti-gun activists in the US are fighting for their right to not be shot, but also doing it with a lot of Harry Potter placards.

Speaker 35 And they are facing increasing criticism from the right for using Harry Potter analogies in their protests, speeches, and placards.

Speaker 35 Many on the right wing are calling out the young protesters for taking he who must not be named's name in vain, reminding us all that Harry Potter is a work of fiction and not a blueprint for how to organise your life, to which everyone else says, Yeah, duh, at least it's better than organising your life with reference to sex in the city, where everyone was all like, Oh my god, you're such a Miranda, and I had to pretend to know who Miranda was.

Speaker 35 I mean, running your life according to a long-running serial work of fiction is as good a way to do things as any, though I'm not super keen on the current trend among Conservative politicians to choose as their guiding work The Lord of the Flies, which

Speaker 35 while a seminal coming-of-age novel and brutal reflection on the nature of young masculinity outside the confines of civilised society, is not a great roadmap for, for example, healthcare funding.

Speaker 10 Well, I guess it's you know that, or the Bible, which is

Speaker 27 similar long-running fiction in some ways.

Speaker 27 There are the huge marches in America, the march for our lives across America, hundreds of thousands of people marching in favour of people not being gunned down as they go about their daily business.

Speaker 27 And it does seem that America has finally reached a tipping point where there's a generational shift where enough people now do not want to be gunned down as they go about their daily business.

Speaker 7 And that's now started to critically outmass

Speaker 27 those who do want to see other people gunned down as they go about their daily business and simultaneously be able to protect themselves from marauding dinosaurs.

Speaker 31 I guess there have been similar marches before in the past, but perhaps this could be the moment when America finally has some vague vestiges of sense blasted into it.

Speaker 31 The gun lobby, or the pro-death lobby, as they're also known,

Speaker 40 quite literally won't go down without a fight.

Speaker 18 And

Speaker 27 you hear them chanting out their catchphrases.

Speaker 7 So USA, USA, USA, for example, which stands for unbelievably stupid anachronism.

Speaker 14 I do understand that it is, you know, it's an awkward thing.

Speaker 27 Historically, you want to respect the founding philosophies of the American nation, the eternal truths and wisdoms of the amendment squad, as they may or may not have meant them in 1791.

Speaker 27 And you don't want to abandon those nation-defining thoughts.

Speaker 7 But at the same time, you're not entirely comfortable with the deaths of innocent people.

Speaker 37 It's kind of a kill 22 situation.

Speaker 13 Obvious answer.

Speaker 27 There's no obvious answer, especially if you continually ignore the obvious answer.

Speaker 35 I mean, the problem for me is that the Harry Potter books were that bandwagon that everyone jumped on that made nerds and book reading cool.

Speaker 35 And I was the kid that was nerdy before it was cool to be nerdy. You know, I read books in trees like an Enid Blight and an asshole.

Speaker 35 It's not cool when becoming a nerd becomes cool when you're a nerd, because then you lose the one thing that makes nerd life tolerable, which is feeling superior to the idiots who are bullying you.

Speaker 35 I also just missed the Hermione window.

Speaker 35 So when I was a frizzy head know-it-all who couldn't keep her mouth shut, it was less, oh, cool, Emma Watson, hashtag I'm with her, and more, let's throw sandwiches at it.

Speaker 5 As sure as night follows day, what follows March?

Speaker 30 Correct, April.

Speaker 1 Let's introduce our third co-host of today's bugle. We attempted to introduce him last week and he didn't entirely work.
So let's hope for a better this week.

Speaker 1 All the way from the United States of America. Your friend and mine, as printed out cell by cell

Speaker 1 on my 3D printer, here is the fully functioning brain of American President Donald Trump.

Speaker 2 Amazing that you have that.

Speaker 12 You were considering.

Speaker 1 Are we going to bump him? Because we've run out of time.

Speaker 1 Anyway, Donald, are you alright?

Speaker 1 Hello, Andy. Hello.
Hello, Donald.

Speaker 1 You want to say hello to the audience? Hello, Bugles. Hello, Bugles.
Yeah, that's nice.

Speaker 1 Right, here we go. So, Donald, it's great.
It's love to have you on the show. It's my great honor to be a guest on the bugle.
Right,

Speaker 1 do you think

Speaker 1 it's not really your target demographic, a podcast listening crowd? They will not like me at all. And that's okay.

Speaker 1 You've left the liberal losers.

Speaker 11 Okay, so...

Speaker 1 So, anyway, Donald. Yes, and

Speaker 1 just I think it's time maybe to reflect on your first year or so in charge. What what do you think

Speaker 1 your first

Speaker 1 year and a quarter will be most remembered for? Reforms that lower the freedom, choice and opportunity for the American people.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Louis. And I mean what's the ultimate goal now of your first term in office? We must fire all Muslims into space.

Speaker 1 Well it's all starting to stack up now and and the recent

Speaker 1 bombings in in in Syria, there's been some claims that they were not in accordance with international law. Stupid fucking laws.

Speaker 1 You just don't like laws. They make my fucking life very, very difficult.

Speaker 1 That's been clear throughout your presidency, Donald.

Speaker 1 And what do you think, you know, if there's one, you know, maybe one thing you'd be more remembered for than anything else so far, what would it be? The hands.

Speaker 25 Oh, the hands.

Speaker 1 My frankly disgusting. The hands.

Speaker 1 And what's your proudest achievement so far? We've made historic progress in crushing the spirit of the American public

Speaker 1 at a faster clip than ever before,

Speaker 1 by far.

Speaker 1 And you know, what other

Speaker 1 things that you think you'll be most defined by at the moment? Russia. Russia.
Yeah, anything else? Peep, peep. Okay.

Speaker 1 But if there was one thing so far, the defining aspect of your presidency, what would it be? Me being a total gravity-defying uranium-level

Speaker 1 total.

Speaker 1 Anything that's a appropriate way for an American president to behave? I keep my campaign promises. Yeah, I guess you did lay that card very firmly on the table.
So um

Speaker 1 um uh Donald, um uh there's been s many people have claimed that you're rather loose with the truth. Do you know a single fact?

Speaker 1 Only one. One fact? And what is your one fact? Hello.

Speaker 1 What's about Halloween, is it? And could we like share your Halloween fact with the audience here in Australia? Did you know that

Speaker 1 Queen began when Hillary Clinton turned a totally innocent little child into a very bad quality wooden desk?

Speaker 1 Hillary Clinton turned a child into a desk. Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 Definitely happened. To the best of my knowledge, yes.

Speaker 1 To the best of your knowledge, it's very different to what actually happened.

Speaker 1 And then what happened after that? She ate the whole fucking thing in one huge mouth.

Speaker 1 Hillary Clinton ate the desk child.

Speaker 31 And it was a horrible thing to watch.

Speaker 1 I don't doubt that for a second. But I mean, at least, I mean, many people wish Hillary had become president instead of you.

Speaker 1 I mean, she had more experience of the international world that you struggle with a bit. I mean, how are you getting on with your neighbours in Canada right now?

Speaker 1 I don't know fucking anything about Canada.

Speaker 1 Nothing at all. What is Canada? Is it a disease?

Speaker 1 Well, it's not a disease. Or maybe a type of motorbike.
No, it's not a type of motorbike either. Can I put my cock in its? No!

Speaker 1 You cannot put your cock in Canada, as Johnny Cash famously sang.

Speaker 1 A shame. Really a shame.

Speaker 1 So we. Fancy battle.

Speaker 1 Right, okay.

Speaker 1 Tom, I think.

Speaker 1 So, well, maybe it's time for you, you can meet our co-hosts, Donald. Firstly, Tom Ballard here.
Hello, Tom.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 Tom's been doing

Speaker 1 his own satirical daily TV show here. Wow.

Speaker 1 Quite patronizing, Donald.

Speaker 1 Hard to believe. But oh, no.

Speaker 16 So,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 12 you've got to enjoy this more. Just imagine Eddie practicing this in front of the mirror.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you're not a fan of Tom's work? I like Tom. You like Tom? I mean, we have a lot in common.
You have a lot in common. Wow.
Right.

Speaker 1 What do you have in common? Neither of us likes women.

Speaker 1 In our own different ways.

Speaker 1 Have you got any questions for Donald?

Speaker 12 Yes, Mr. President.

Speaker 1 Mr.

Speaker 12 President, it's a pleasure to meet you. I was just wondering, you know, you've been very successful in politics, having had no experience at all.

Speaker 1 You've become the President of the U.S. I just wonder if you have any advice for people out there who want to get into politics themselves.
It's a great question. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Simple, fair, and easy to understand.

Speaker 1 So what's your advice for people who want to get into politics? All you have to do is just abandon your voice, your hopes, your dreams, and above all else, your values and principles.

Speaker 1 So, I mean, just to boil that down, what do you got to do? You must act like a complete barstood.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 12 hang on. You couldn't get a clip of him just saying bastard?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, no. Somebody else said, no.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 it was late. And our

Speaker 1 Donald, I know you're a massive fan of our other guest as well. Aditi.
Middle.

Speaker 1 Did I pronounce that right, by the way? I'm not sure you did pronounce it right. Have you got anything to say to Aditi? We do not, under any circumstances, attempt to move to America.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 36 Oh, this is my job.

Speaker 5 And now it's on to May.

Speaker 23 May. Sorry.
May, bit of a trigger word for me at the moment.

Speaker 4 Cheating news.

Speaker 14 And there has been some glorious cheating in Indian education.

Speaker 38 Now it is a highly competitive country. It's doubled in population size in what, 30 years?

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 37 I think it's, I mean, there is some heroic levels of cheating in Indian education.

Speaker 28 Correct, Andy. And I think you're specifically referring to an incident in a particular part of India where some students decided to staple some currency notes

Speaker 28 to their answer papers as a means of connecting with their examiner. Yes.
And Andy, you seem to have a small moral issue with this.

Speaker 25 Whereas

Speaker 28 where I'm from,

Speaker 28 there is no way to stand out among 5,000 examinees

Speaker 28 by just your answers.

Speaker 14 No. Right? No, that's fair.

Speaker 28 So I think some ingenious students, and this is why entrepreneurship is thriving so well where I'm from, decided to put like a 500 rupee, thousand rupee note, staple it, along with a a poem and a joke Because you may go to jail for that Andy, yeah, but you will admit the examiner will remember you

Speaker 28 gotta make an impression You know, I've always been impressed by cultures Andy where when you bribe stuff things got done You know one of the difficulties in the culture I live in is when you take away bribery nothing gets done right

Speaker 28 Because that would just be expecting the individual to do their job for the salary they're getting right that makes it a very boring world Andy I guess I cannot function in a system where there is not a parallel system.

Speaker 28 So I don't know about your culture, but I suppose your students write the answers and then hope to get in.

Speaker 25 Well, yes.

Speaker 18 I mean, we're not averse to the odd bit of cheating ourselves.

Speaker 37 And there was a story this week about

Speaker 37 prominent YouTubers.

Speaker 7 Yes. Which is

Speaker 14 people who...

Speaker 39 apparently earn huge amounts of money from advising children to cheat in their exams, apparently.

Speaker 10 Excellent.

Speaker 4 So, yeah,

Speaker 26 it's just each culture has its own different way of

Speaker 14 doing it.

Speaker 42 It was interesting as well that writing poems to examiners was a rather more kind of romantic way of

Speaker 39 going about this, appealing to their

Speaker 34 soul and their heart rather than their wallet.

Speaker 39 I guess, I mean, it again depends on

Speaker 38 what exactly you're writing, you know, what

Speaker 39 exactly you're writing in that poem.

Speaker 28 Yeah, some of them were romantic,

Speaker 28 but some combined. They had a poem, they had some jokes.
So they wanted to show the range of talents.

Speaker 28 So they did not know what a differential equation was yeah but they're like you know here's a limerick there was a man from madras who had both of grass

Speaker 28 here's a thousand rupees yeah yeah and here's a joke you know 12 people walked into a bar and so i'm saying isn't an examination

Speaker 42 the point of it is to show a range of who you are as a human being yeah so he and also i mean it again i mean this what you've just said shows the one of the issues india is facing in terms of overpopulation that generally here it's a man walks into a bar and you've gone with 12 men walk into a bar.

Speaker 10 Yeah, right there.

Speaker 13 Right there.

Speaker 10 It is crowded.

Speaker 26 That's the Mumbai version.

Speaker 28 Correct. A bars are larger.

Speaker 13 They have Italian names and you, 12 people walk in right there.

Speaker 28 Everything is bigger, Andy. And, you know, this, this, I think, this archaic system, honestly, of ethical exam taking.
Yeah. You know, I think that it's boring for the examiners as well.
Well, it is.

Speaker 10 And also, I mean, you look at the future.

Speaker 8 What skills are our children going to need?

Speaker 9 Everything's going to be done by robots, by computers, you know, knowledge.

Speaker 7 No one can possibly be as knowledgeable as

Speaker 38 even a medium-sized memory chip these days.

Speaker 20 So, teach them the skills they will need.

Speaker 7 They're going to need mental flexibility, they're going to need, you know, as you say, bribery.

Speaker 14 Correct.

Speaker 28 And most importantly, the element of surprise. Yeah.
Because, say, if you're a GCSE examiner, you open a paper, I assume it's still done on paper. Yeah.
Everybody else has just answers. Right.

Speaker 28 This guy's put in a small marsupial.

Speaker 25 You have the

Speaker 13 element of

Speaker 25 full attention, Andy.

Speaker 28 And that's what we're exploring, Adi. This is why we are the future of the world.

Speaker 28 We're exploring things that you've traditionally introduced to us, like exams in the English language and playing with it. They're hoping that perhaps the examiner is a lonely, pathetic,

Speaker 28 underpaid individual in a small town in Uttar Pradesh. And for a second, there'd be some glimmer of love

Speaker 28 from an 18-year-old boy. It's very Plato, actually.
It's very sort of for a second, it's like, oh.

Speaker 7 You've done very well to find so many positives in this story.

Speaker 10 I'm impressed.

Speaker 2 Andy, the summit is off.

Speaker 2 The Frost Nicks and a f ⁇ ing wittery. The coffee shop scene in heat meets dumb and dumber.

Speaker 2 But when Harry Met Sally of International Crazy Men is officially off, Donald Trump cancelled his proposed meeting with Kim Jong-un via a letter yesterday afternoon.

Speaker 2 Devastating blow for international relations and a real surprise.

Speaker 2 in the same way that a surprise party is a surprise in that it's not really a surprise, but everyone's pretending to go through the motions.

Speaker 42 Yes, I think we've heard enough about you going through your motions on the show already.

Speaker 20 So the yeah, I mean, the talks that were scheduled for Singapore

Speaker 8 coming, I mean, it's a huge, huge disappointment.

Speaker 20 I mean, probably the biggest disappointment of all is,

Speaker 42 you know, there's always hidden losers in this.

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 39 a commemorative coin

Speaker 42 glamorising and vindicating and validating a murderous despot, which is really what these kind of talks are all about, is now no longer valid.

Speaker 26 I mean,

Speaker 26 they were selling...

Speaker 42 Basically, Donald Trump had had a special coin made to commemorate this glorious occasion

Speaker 9 of the supreme leader.

Speaker 34 Not even an inverted comma.

Speaker 8 So even Kim Jong-un doesn't really think he's f ⁇ ing supreme, to be honest.

Speaker 26 These coins are now obsolete.

Speaker 2 Disaster.

Speaker 7 Very much like the commemorative mug marking the coronation of King Edward VIII.

Speaker 18 It never happened.

Speaker 13 I may have bought an eBay some years ago.

Speaker 11 Love a bit of history. Love a bit of merch.

Speaker 13 But to give Kim Jong-un his own...

Speaker 9 I mean, it's one thing to butter up the missile waggling bastard and mass poverty fan for the practical purposes of making a nuclear war marginally less likely, but to give him his own f ⁇ ing coin.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it's...

Speaker 2 It was a bizarre move. I mean, issuing a commemorative gold coin for an occasion that hasn't happened is a really bold move.

Speaker 2 It actually reminds me of an ancient proverb that my grandmother used to tell me when I I was growing up. Now I'm translating directly from the Malayalam, so do bear with me.

Speaker 2 On the verge of success, the wise man waits while the foolish man commissions a f ⁇ ing stupid, f ⁇ ing pointless gold coin that's not even a coin and makes himself look like a complete f ⁇ ing c.

Speaker 24 So, I mean,

Speaker 26 what is the strategy behind it?

Speaker 9 Because it does seem this whole thing is essentially some kind of improvisational, ego-driven whack-a-mole politics.

Speaker 18 Or is it a game of clever political chess, albeit a version of chess in which the only pieces are the penises of the two players slunked onto the chessboard?

Speaker 16 Your move.

Speaker 27 Oh, nice. The Napoleonic opening.

Speaker 17 F you, it's way bigger than Napoleon's.

Speaker 2 Donald Trump sent a letter which expressed regret that he would be unable to carry out the meeting,

Speaker 2 but also included some thinly veiled threats. When I say thinly veiled, I mean there was no veil.
It was just a threat. He said this, this is a direct quote from the letter.

Speaker 2 You talk about your nuclear capabilities, but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used. This is the ultimate break-up letter, Andy.

Speaker 2 What Donald Trump is basically saying is, it's not me, it's you. And if you say it's me, I will blow you to Kingdom Come with my massive nuclear arsenal.

Speaker 42 I mean, again, that's when Bob Dylan was very much the master of the break-up.

Speaker 2 Yes, this is Donald Trump's blood on the tracks moment.

Speaker 4 Jeffrey Lewis from the Middlebury Institute of International Studies described the situation as a total goat rodeo.

Speaker 9 I mean, Nis, you are under the age of 40, so you know how young people talk.

Speaker 13 Is this a common phrase?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I believe it's common pilots amongst the rappers, Andy.

Speaker 26 Total goat rodeo.

Speaker 40 Also, my favourite Xbox stroke PlayStation, stroke, numbskull idiot console game this year, total goat rodeo.

Speaker 24 I mean, could

Speaker 2 I mean, I guess, is it one of those phrases that just almost makes sense by its sheer lack of sense i mean it does seem to fit the trumpic presidency yeah absolutely concept of a total goat rodeo yeah it it sounds like one of his failed businesses yeah it's like stakes casinos goat rodeo like it wouldn't be out of place yeah in the list of things he has completely f ⁇ ed up it could possibly even be a merging of his steak and casino businesses

Speaker 2 yeah and yet somehow he still comes out that's the problem that i have with the coin because the White House dropped the price from $24.95 to $19.95, which I would argue is still $20 too expensive.

Speaker 2 It should cost minus $0.05.

Speaker 2 Also, numismatists, which I believe is the name for people who

Speaker 2 like coins a lot, say it should be referred to as a medallion because it has no denomination, so it's completely f ⁇ ing worthless.

Speaker 2 But so many people bought it when the price was slashed that the White House gift shop website cracked.

Speaker 2 And it's like the most American thing ever, like a celebration of absolute stupidity. But it's typical of Donald Trump in that somehow, no matter how badly he fks up, he still makes money.

Speaker 10 It's a genius.

Speaker 23 And rounding off this week's Bugle compilation, June.

Speaker 35 In baby jails news now, Trump has declared his intention to end the inhumane separation of immigrant families, a policy that ended up in mass outcry after the creation of what are being called tender age facilities, aka baby jails.

Speaker 35 I love babies, they are adorable. It's their only survival mechanism is being so adorable, you can't put them in the bin.

Speaker 35 But that is why this policy is so inexplicable. How detached do you have to be from reality to think baby jail is a good idea? Babies need hugs and love and someone to puke on.

Speaker 35 They don't need tiny prison tattoos and a bucket to puke in.

Speaker 23 This is a

Speaker 23 bizarre story. And

Speaker 29 Trump has, well, he's

Speaker 8 ridden to the rescue of his own dark fetid soul by rowing back on his own policy I'm not sure that gets him many credit points to be honest behind this also Mike Pence man of the year yet again from the influential magazine The Christian hypocrite

Speaker 23 Jeff Sessions or to give him his actual full name Jefferson Beauregard Sessions

Speaker 29 And the Jefferson and Beauregard

Speaker 22 those two names have passed down through two generations of the Sessions family both Confederate war heroes.

Speaker 22 So they've stuck with that through several generations of the Sessions.

Speaker 44 But anyway, let's not judge him on his family names.

Speaker 22 He's even been criticised by members of his own church for using the Bible to justify caging children.

Speaker 29 He quoted Romans 13.

Speaker 8 Romans 13, of course, sounds to me like a disappointing effort in a game of Empire v.

Speaker 23 Empire snooker, when the Romans ran out of position after putting red, black, and red, had a run-up to Bolt to take the green, but then left themselves poorly poorly positioned for the next red, which, although bottable, left them with no angle to get on another colour, leading to an ill-advised long put on a tricky pink and a break, letting the Assyrians in with the red spread and an opportunity to clinch the frame in one visit.

Speaker 23 Romans, 13.

Speaker 44 I mean, Andy.

Speaker 23 It's had a long train journey.

Speaker 35 Political satire does not equal imaginary snooker games.

Speaker 45 Why did you not tell me that 15 years ago?

Speaker 44 My career could have been so different.

Speaker 22 There was this bizarre policy to separate children from their parents, which, as a parent,

Speaker 8 I know is not generally a good idea in terms of not ending up with screaming children.

Speaker 29 And particularly if you then put those children in, as you describe it, a baby cage.

Speaker 44 I mean, the tears will flow. I mean, there's not no one likes a break.

Speaker 35 And not the cool little ones that you tattoo on your face, like proper tears.

Speaker 23 It suits you very well, Alec.

Speaker 35 But he's sort of benevolently moving to end this state of affairs that he directly brought about himself while demanding congratulations and blaming all the bad stuff on the Democrats.

Speaker 35 We have always been at war with Oceania.

Speaker 44 Like,

Speaker 35 I used to think you watched the news to find out what was going on in the world, but now I watch it to find out what side I meant to be on of an argument I didn't know existed yesterday, but is now fundamental to my self-conception and moral status that I need to argue for on Twitter while I'm on the bus today.

Speaker 45 So it's been replaced with this new, sort of vaguely worded executive order to slam up families together.

Speaker 44 Or maybe

Speaker 22 are they going to sew them together end to end?

Speaker 8 We don't know at this early stage.

Speaker 43 Or maybe strat them together and catapult them back to Latin and Mexico or wherever they come from.

Speaker 22 More than 2,000 children were separated from their parents as a result of the so-called zero-tolerance policy, zero-tolerance for immigration and basic human decency and simple manners, really.

Speaker 22 And I mean it looks bad for now, but let's try and find the positives in this, Alice.

Speaker 43 Think of the joyous emotions when just a few of those 2,000 plus children are reunited with their parents.

Speaker 22 Surely those inspiring, heart-lifting moments are worth the slightly gillyaddish awkwardness of seeing screaming children locked in cages.

Speaker 35 Sure.

Speaker 43 We'll get back to you on that one.

Speaker 35 This is looking on the bright side in the way that you refuse to put a piece of paper in front of your eyes when you're looking at the sun during an eclipse.

Speaker 22 Also, it helps us appreciate our own lives and our own offsprings more.

Speaker 43 Because, as they say, freedom is never truly appreciated until it has been taken from someone else's child and shown on telly in a cage.

Speaker 35 And of course. Yeah, I heard that one as freedom is never truly appreciated until it's shat on by cs.

Speaker 23 That's my favourite male fragrance as well.

Speaker 13 Chaton.

Speaker 29 The problem, politically, I guess, Alice, is that ripping children away from their parents and putting them in cages might be fun, but it has a tendency to produce what media wonks might describe as bad visuals.

Speaker 23 And to be fair to Trump as well, from his own personal background, he had no way of knowing that people might actually like their own families.

Speaker 22 Even love them rather than viewing them as just expedient persons.

Speaker 35 He probably thought he was doing them a favour.

Speaker 35 I wanted to get rid of all of my families.

Speaker 3 There you go.

Speaker 6 Half the year bagged up and put in the freezer to be forgotten about, discovered again in 20 years' time behind a bag of extremely out-of-date frozen peas and thrown in a bin.

Speaker 5 The bugle will be simultaneously carrying on exactly as normal and slightly relaunching in the new year.

Speaker 8 Details still to be confirmed, but we may be calling on your support through 2019.

Speaker 5 A quick reminder that if you've forgotten to buy Christmas presents for your friends, family, or foes, come to my Soho Theatre show.

Speaker 6 It runs until the 5th of January on and off.

Speaker 45 Also there will be a bugle tour of North America.

Speaker 6 That's coming in late February and early March.

Speaker 5 There are some dates already on sale and we'll have a full announcement over the next couple of weeks.

Speaker 4 Also I'm doing a live bugle show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival on the 19th of March.

Speaker 5 Roll up, roll up into a ball in the corner of a darkened room and think about what the world has done this year.

Speaker 3 By which I mean happy Bugle Christmas. Tune in next week for all the thrilling action from Planet Earth July to December 2018.

Speaker 4 Until then, as the 1970s glam rockers Wizzard should have sung, I wish it could be Christmas once a year.

Speaker 23 I'm learning to set achievable goals. Watch and learn, Britain.

Speaker 5 Until next week, goodbye.

Speaker 46 Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here. I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Speaker 46 Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything. So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.