Brexray Specs – Bugle 4091

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers!

Well, this was supposed to be a week off the bugle, but instead, welcome to a special emergency Snap Bugle.

A bugle British politics has had a week of ridiculous crisis at the end of which everything is still exactly the same.

Apart from everyone thinking, well, we're finging this up up even more than we've already thought.

Special.

Joining me today for this emergency bugle called at short notice, welcome to Nish Kumar.

Hello, Andrew.

Hello.

Have you enjoyed the week of chaos?

Yeah, I mean, I'm glad to be part of.

I mean, the UK's emergency response unit is Cobra, and we are, I'm assuming, Grass Snake.

We're like the sort of UK's dog shit emergency response.

We've had to immediately convene ourselves to discuss the terrible week.

We're the bugle as the flee of Cobra.

Also, joining us, welcome back to Tiff Stevenson.

Hello, hi.

It's been a

curious week to be from these bizarre islands.

It has, it really has.

I was going to do a little rundown of Theresa May's sort of Brexit chaos wardrobe, but I think she's going to need to wear Wellingtons because she's knee-deep in shit.

I can't offer any other suggestions whatsoever.

Although, I did see a turn-up wearing

what looked like yesterday at the EU,

a carpet jacket.

Well like if you if you don't want them to walk all all over us maybe don't wear a carpet.

Not enough politicians in a cricket kit for me.

British cricket kit.

Also Johnny I say for the first time on the bugle it's a great pleasure to welcome welcome here Matt Ford.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Now you are

a Westminster nut I think that's the animal obsessive yeah I was there earlier today actually.

Yeah.

What were you doing there?

I went to see Tony Blair's speech.

I was gonna say I knew you would be there.

I knew you would be there.

I've been sort of in the middle of it all.

Well, not me personally, but I've been watching it, at least paying attention to it this week.

Because, I mean, he's described Brexit as a historic mistake, hasn't he?

Which lines up a lot of topical cases.

But he was on very good form, as you would expect me to say.

Right.

Being a Blair, right?

And I should probably deal with that early.

But yes, it was very.

One of the things that strikes me early on is that he's one of the few people that...

Jeremy Cormann's basically said nothing this week.

Yeah, Theresa May is going ahead with a plan that she knows is bad.

So to actually hear someone who's held the office of Prime Minister talk fairly sensibly is such a change that it's actually shocking to

hear it happen.

From me.

You go, holy shit, someone's actually capable of talking sense at the moment.

He did mention the frictionless border, and I was like, ooh, this border needs lube.

I never thought about that.

So this emergency bugle is doubling up as Bugle 4091.

Coincidentally, 4091 is the estimated number of different versions of Brexit that people voted for in 2016.

Also, the number of different ballot papers that Theresa May spoiled before finally voting that she had confidence in herself in this week's

vote of minimal confidence.

It's Friday, the 14th of December 2018.

Nine years and 364 days since my midwifery career began and ended

with a silky-handed delivery in our bathroom.

Lovely piece of glove work.

Happy birthday to my boy.

One day all of this will be his.

I assume my daughter will find something more useful to do with her life.

It's also, 14th of December, it's World Monkey Day.

Oh, brilliant.

I love monkeys.

Yeah.

I want to monkey forest.

It is World Monkey Day.

Oh, my God.

I am wearing a gorilla.

Tiff's wearing a shirt with a gorilla on it.

Yep.

So there we go.

We're all celebrating World Monkey Day and the planet's

celebrating all the planets' non-human primates.

And what an appropriate day, because as we speak, at Bletchley Park, the British government's secret bunker with an infinite number of monkeys is attempting to hammer out a new backstop agreement.

Let's find out how they're getting on.

Oh no, sorry, Chris, that was the wrong clip.

That was from Prime Minister's questions on Wednesday.

On this day, 100 years ago, the general election of 1918, which was the first in which women were allowed to vote in this country.

And just look at the f ⁇ ing mess we're in.

Regretted it ever since.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, a British International Credibility Memorial Supplement

after British International Credibility passed away sadly after a long illness.

A long, long, painful, embarrassing illness, deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances.

Rest in peace, the body will be cremated and the ashes blasted into space.

Also in the bin this week, Brexit's Christmas gift ideas, including a 42-inch cast iron TV screen grille, so that the bricks you inevitably throw at your television between now and the end of March will bounce harmlessly off.

Trade negotiator 2019, the latest exciting PlayStation simulation game from the EA diplomacy range.

Get out there on the international stage and flog whatever remnants of British industry you can find.

Show Teresa and the team how it's done by sealing a £100 billion deal with Laos to swap porcelain pigeon figurines for 3D traffic cones.

Sell the electricity from a new tranche of resentment-fired power stations in exchange for magic Guatemalan doctor frogs to save the NHS.

Also, in the Brexit Christmas gift ideas section, Brex Race Becs.

See through the bullshit with a pair of magic Brex Race specs.

Can see through everything from basic spin to advanced hogwash to level 9 reality manipulation, all the way up to A-grade hollow-eyed political grandstanding.

Warning, not suitable for adults, side effects may include a withering faith in democracy.

And also, why not buy one of your friends or loved ones, the exciting new DVD, When Backbenchers Attack?

Terrifying tales of low-profile members of parliament bringing governments quivering to their knees, including exclusive footage of when Sir Blanford Gribard told Harold Macmillan he had the guts of a thrice-wilted cabbage.

Also, free a complimentary vote.

You can vote in favour of coming to see Andy Zoltzmann's 2018, The Certifiable History, at the Soho Theatre from the 18th of the 22nd and the 27th of the 29th of December and the 2nd of the 5th of January at 9.30pm or vote against it.

But go to the Soho Theatre's website to vote either way.

Votes in favour may incur a subsequent financial expense, as is so often the case with votes.

That section in the bin.

So top story this week, well, we've already touched on it.

Britain.

has been absolutely devouring itself.

I'll just do a quick summary.

Theresa May is still still Prime Minister at the end of this week of drama.

We still have absolutely no idea what's going to happen with Brexit.

No one knows what's going on, but everyone knows whatever is going on is not going on as it should be going on.

People are still formulatingly stroppy that Brexit is going to happen too soft, too hard, too at all, too soon, too not soon, too anything.

The public is united in wanting the government to just get on with it or not get on with it, whatever it may be, and respect the will of the people by going through with the 2016 referendum or respect the will of the people by holding another referendum or just invade Portugal to give us all something else to think about or send a battalion of giant mechanical robot virulins around the country to sing us all soothingly to sleep with a collection of patriotic wartime lullabies.

In summary, Britain is a fking nincumpoop.

Discuss.

So Matt, as our resident Westminster correspondent,

how would you

summarise

what has unfolded?

Matthew, for the listener's benefit, immediately started rubbing his eyes like he'd immediately burst into tears.

Well, it's more of a face of excitement because I watch the Parliament channel nearly every day.

Bully erect.

Bully erect, bollock naked,

windows open, heating on foot.

It weirdly has the opposite effect on me.

It's like it's heeled over.

I follow it close.

I love it.

I love all the sort of dramas and

all the background deals.

We're going to have a vote on the withdrawal agreement,

which I don't know if you've read.

I've downloaded the 585 page.

I've read some of it.

I've read the 37-page political statement that is it.

And what is immediately clear, even if you have no knowledge of European law, is that it is so vague it is useless.

The whole thing is, we will commit to finding a solution to this.

We will endeavour to find,

with our best intentions, we will try and resolve.

There is no, really, apart from the Irish backstop, which is the major stumbling block, the rest of it is so vague as to be meaningless.

There's a bit in it.

That's actually a review for my 2013 reviews.

I mean, that's it.

They've copied and pasted Nisha's review to the internet.

It's like a rack all over again.

There are bits that are really worrying about, particularly security, which is a fear we should all be alive to.

And it says, from now on, this is part of the political agreement, from now on, Britain will only be consulted in informal meetings.

Right.

Now, I don't know how you talk about security in an informal way.

How many tourists have you guys got?

Yeah, we've got shitloads.

How is this going to be

already?

Informal meetings are basically just parties, essentially, isn't it?

So you've got to shout it over the disco.

Oh, that's a good idea, yeah.

Just a sort of drinks reception.

Squival it on the back of the security packet.

So she knew there was no parliamentary majority for her deal, yet she was stubbornly saying she was going to put it to the floor of the House of Commons anyway.

The one sense of wisdom she's exercised this week was to not put it down and therefore avoid a defeat.

However, what that meant was on the other side, the Tory MPs who need a minimum of 48 MPs of the parliamentary party, 15% of them, to write to the chair of the 1922 committee, which is the backbench group of Conservative MPs, chaired by Sir Graham Brady.

He keeps that that number secret, but once it hits 48, he publicly declares it.

They then have a no-confidence vote.

They have a confidence motion in Theresa May.

She gets 200 in her favour, 117 against, which is two-thirds of the parliamentary party.

So it's a good enough victory, but it's also a third of them have voted against her.

And what a lot of the Brexiteers will say is that it's basically the payroll vote.

All the cabinet are going to back her.

All the ministers are going to back her, and all the junior ministers.

And the 1922 Committee not an indie ban that I have heard of.

Yeah, the 1922 Committee is maybe the only organisation in Britain whiter than most indie bands.

And I mean, just in terms of Tories not doing their numbers properly, it was formed in 1923.

It's just a great even for the history of the Green

is steeped in

enumerate politics.

Was it off the back of Ireland becoming a republic?

It was on the back of the 1922 election.

So after that, they decided they needed a proper arrangement.

So you have the Parliamentary Labour Party, it's basically the backbenchers.

Since 2010, you're being very diplomatic, Matt.

It's the fing weirdos.

It's the weirdos.

That's the ERG, which are like another group.

Well, they're the weirdos within the weirdos.

The 1922 Committee, which was formed in 1923 under the Prime Ministership of Bona Law, has had a meeting this week to determine whether the Prime Minister will continue to stand, resulting in someone getting so angry in Parliament that they picked up a mace as a sign of disrespect.

So, just to be clear, we are not a real cut.

This is narnia dog shit.

Does the final vote rest with soggy biscuit?

God.

The mace thing is bizarre, isn't it?

All matter of context, I suppose.

Because if I grab mace, it's probably because I'm in fear of my life

walking home from the station.

So what are the

regulations on mace grabbing in the House of Commons?

Well, you're not explaining what happened.

It was...

Russell Law, Lloyd Russell Moyle.

I can't remember which order his name's going, but it's an assemblance of those three.

He's a very passionate new Labour.

When I say New Labour, I mean he's recent rather than sensible.

So he picked up the mace.

So the House can only sit when the mace is placed on that sort of bench in front of the Speaker's chair.

So once it's removed, the proceedings of the House are effectively not official.

And there's a parliamentary precedent for this.

Michael Heseltine got his name Tarzan by picking up the mace during a famous debate.

The last person to do it was John McDonnell, who did it over Heathrow Expansion when Labour in government.

And now...

Lloyd Russell Moyle, Russell Lloyd, has picked this thing.

It's a real shame for him because the week before he gave a really moving speech on how he was living with HIV.

And I think the only member of parliament to talk openly about it, Chris Smith, had done in the 90s, but I think he's the only person to really bring it to the floor of the House of Commons as a sufferer of it.

So he's got the huge constituency of people out there that go, wow, who's this really moving blow?

And then a week later, basically.

He's Mace Boy.

He's a Maceboy.

He has a tantrum.

And the speaker of the house, John Berker, says, Bring it back.

And he sort of says, no.

And then one of the ladies to the Sergeant Half of Arms Office just so easily takes it back.

Doesn't that kind of summarise Brexit?

Someone grabbing a thing, then not really knowing what to do with it.

Yeah, and then

hopefully putting it back.

Well, what's astonishing about it is that Theresa May, in terms of the wider Brexit ramifications, Theresa May won, like you say, by 200 to 117.

So that's a 58%

confidence vote, which compared to the Brexit vote is in fact a landslide.

But Jacob Rees Margas claimed without any irony that this vote is not enough of a mandate for Theresa May to continue as Prime Minister.

And the only way at this point that he could be less self-aware is if he described Mr.

Burns from The Simpsons as being a thin, rich prick.

Well, also, the tweet that he put out when he did, because he said which way, and I do love for Teresa, she went from no confidence whatsoever to full confidence within a matter of hours.

It was like she must have read Cosmo Sex Tips.

But

he tweeted, didn't he?

Saying, was it Ave Aqua Vale, which does sound like some kind of northern spring water?

Arcade er with ave aqua vale.

But like I don't, I don't, since when has tossing around Latin phrases made anyone more likable?

Even Stephen Fry can't get away with it.

I just I like to be

I like to be relatable, Andy.

That's my modus operandi.

But yeah.

Yeah, he, oh, he came off so awfully.

Like, I feel, you know, at points throughout this, I've, I've felt quite bad for Theresa May, then I remember who she is in her voting record.

And then every now and then, I think, wow, you know, even within your own party, you've just got people like Reese Mogg, like kind of just hovering, waiting.

Boris and Reese Mog, you know.

I do sort of weirdly have a lot of, I mean, I do not like her, but the woman who puts the prime minister into the phrase, how the fk is Theresa May still Prime Minister, deserves some respect for her ability to simultaneously win and lose things.

It's a real incredible art with the last general election with this no confidence vote that she has technically won, but somehow morally seems to have lost.

It's like winning strictly, but only because all the other dancers get violent to diarrhea.

There's an element of default that really hangs over her.

Well,

the result, as you say, 200.

So 117, was I like to think of it, the number of tests played by Satchin Tenzika,

versus the number of tests played by David Gower.

117.

Also, of course, the highest test score ever made by a test match number 10, which, of course, ironically is where Theresa May currently lives.

Let me cling to what I know about.

That, of course, was scored by Walter Reed for England versus Australia, Reed being something that no one has done with that 585-page document at the Oval in August 1884, which, by coincidence, is the year to which Jacob Reese Mogg would like Britain to return.

200, the number of wickets taken by Australian base bowler Jeff Thompson, whose international career, ironically, lasted a little bit too long after he'd really lost his edge.

I mean, that's not a valid comparison with Theresa May because Thompson was, of course, good to start with.

But it is a valid comparison because Jeff Thompson made English people terrified about what was about to happen.

Am I taking this too far?

Yes, but the point is: 200 to 217, Sajid Javid said it was a clear win for May, but the problem is it's a clear win, but they're all supposed to be on the same team.

So if you're a football manager.

If you're a football manager, the opposition scores a goal, and four of your 11 players join in the celebration,

you have problems.

It's the way the numbers in politics are so important, obviously, not just getting a simple majority so that you win or don't win or whatever it is.

But what you always get in these scenarios is different sides briefing about different thresholds.

Now, all she needed was 50% plus one.

Obviously, that would have been a disaster were it to be that close.

But I remember when I worked for the party, we'd go to these election counts and you'd be given awful lines to have to take to say, actually, 2,000 losses actually represents progress for the Labour Party.

This is actually a great night.

It's tantamount to the disrespect the public hold for David Cameron that they haven't given 100,000 victories tonight.

And you have to spin these bizarre.

And what happens is you start spinning early.

So you have to say, actually,

you know, and a lot of people around her were saying,

all she needs is more than 50%, which would have been awful.

So then anything more than that, you just plant it in the public's mind and people go, well, actually, 50% is the threshold.

Obviously, that was the real threshold.

But beyond that,

it isn't.

You're absolutely right.

To have so many of her own team.

That's Darren Brown shit, isn't it?

Well, it is, yeah.

You just have to just lodge in people's minds what is really going on.

And obviously, both sides will have different things, which is why the 200 number was so significant for her because she got 199 of them to back up for the Tory leadership.

So what they're actually saying is her one up, which is half a percent more popular.

After two years of actual government, she's half a percent more popular on her own backbenchers.

Not many Prime Minister can say that.

It's going faster than the economy, so listen.

What I'm really enjoying about all of this is that obviously this poses an existential threat to our our entire nation because our country is supposed to be negotiating a Brexit position.

And what I really like is that under threat, Andy has responded like one of those animals in nature that like curls itself up into a ball, except you've just wrapped yourself in cricket statistics and sport analogies.

That's a comfortable cooker.

Don't pick at the seams.

But didn't she compare herself to, or one point, did she mention Boycott?

Yeah, she has.

Jess Boycott is her favourite cricketer now, for our tragically non-cricket obsessions.

Nonetheless, do you have my continued sympathy?

But Jeffrey Boycott was renowned as, he was a very good player, but also an incredibly defensive player.

Yeah.

Renowned for his absolute refusal to entertain the paying public.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like Teresa then.

Very much.

He was very much a man who saw sport as being a chore the public must be put through.

He was human porridge.

And he battered as if trying to eradicate the concept of hope.

There is my pick cut that cricketing bat on.

This is starting to feel personal, Andy, because you picked that quite up from my 2013 Edinburgh review.

But she did, but interestingly, the way she got those 200 votes seemed to be by some kind of bartering process whereby she basically avoided the full traditional Tory Julius Caesaring by saying, Don't worry, everyone, I've got this, and stabbing herself metaphorically and announcing that she promised to bleed out slowly at some point.

She wants to slow self-assassination.

She's trying to commit suicide by taking two paracetamol a day for a year.

So as you said, now the deal,

this all came after cancelling this deal, when it became clear that the deal that she was going to put to parliament had as much chance of passing through parliament as a lead watermelon has of passing through the digestive tract of a squirrel.

Basically, none, and even if it did, it was going to get extremely messy.

So where, and I guess, you know,

it's kind of clearly difficult to reach an agreement that is going to, it's not about pleasing both sides, is it?

It's about not completely displeasing.

It's the ancient saying, isn't it?

You can disappoint all the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time.

And if you really try in the aftermath of a divisive referendum, you can disappoint all the people

all of the time.

And well, Ian Duncan Smith.

God rest his soul.

The

old IDS, the irritable Dunderhead Syndrome,

self-styled Vincent Van Gogh of alienating voters,

said this.

He said, if you think you can reach out to the Labour Party with the leadership they've got at the moment, you must be living in a mad place.

Well, yes, we're living in Britain,

this is a mad place.

It is a mad place.

But the reason why the vote can't get through is purely because of the parliamentary arithmetic.

So it's not just that people are leave or remain.

There is no majority in the House of Commons for any one deal.

And that's why whatever people say,

if you put a no-deal to Parliament, it would lose.

If you put remain to Parliament, it would would lose.

So, this is the problem: it's not even about how good the deal is.

Literally, no deal would pass on before the House of Commons at the moment.

Right, so it does seem that the only scenario, and I'll put this to you, Nish, is to delve back into British history and use some of the skills that traditionally used and

partition the United Kingdom and

leave a leave country and a remain country.

That's what the SNP want to do.

Well, are we are you proposing Leave Istan and Remainbear?

Where's Kashmir?

Listen, Andrew, as someone who, on a sort of familiar level, has some experience of Britain's attempts at partitioning, I say

I say go for it.

Right, okay.

Go for it because at the very least it will be, and I speak very much as a laps-lapsed Hindu here, karma.

Right.

Third time lucky.

The concerning thing about it is that the further we get into the process, the more more we realize that the Leave campaign, the various Leave campaigns, none of them had a single plan that they could unite around, which is a pretty significant stumbling block.

And when Theresa May said Brexit means Brexit, I think we all assumed that was the first three words of a more detailed plan that a majority of Leave campaigners could sort of rally around.

But it turns out that was the entire plan, and it was Brexit means Brexit written in Boris Johnson's shit on an A4 piece of paper.

It's a diffuse concept, and one of the biggest problems is Ireland because they still can't agree on whether they want because the EU, we want to put a backstop in place, which means that Ireland would essentially stay part of the single market and the customs union while the negotiations are on.

But the EU wants to put a backstop on the backstop in case we don't reach a free trade agreement.

Now, the problem with that.

Yeah, the backstop to the backstop.

Now that's the same.

That's a sight screen in cricket.

The problem with that is that

we have shown no track record of being able to achieve any sort of deal.

So the backstop on the backstop makes complete sense.

And the fact that Tory MPs and the DUP are getting upset is like a baby getting upset that its parents are bringing nappies with it on a day out, and the baby's now standing there going, Well, I have no idea why you assume that I will shit myself, even though my track record is exclusively of me shitting myself.

I refuse to be treated with this level of disdain.

Theresa May, in her speech on after triumphantly not losing the vote of minimalist confidence,

said people just want us to get on with it.

But the problem is there are massive fundamental and unbridgeable disagreements about what it

is.

I think it's wearing,

isn't it, hiding in a grate?

underneath a curb waiting for a child with a balloon.

Anyways.

That's the only circumstance at the moment in which the phrase, get on with it, is acceptable.

Is if someone has paused a DVD of the film it.

She also said we should be standing together.

Well, I think we are standing together as a nation and on the edge of a cliff, looking askance at each other, waiting for the right moment to throw everyone else off the cliff.

She says we need to concentrate on delivering first-class public services.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is not.

We've been.

Hugely high on the Tory list of priorities.

Well, this is the

best way to do it Brexit has done.

So what the levers have realised and they realised during the referendum was that the NHS was a big deal for people and they fused NHS and immigration together

in a big message to get Labour people to vote for leave

was the NHS offer.

Theresa May in announcing this NHS splurge is strategically trying to box Corbyn out in the centre ground trying to

and create good messages, good news for Brexit.

The problem is, so the new money for the NHS, which will be just around £350 million a week, will will come from a Brexit dividend.

The problem is, the OBR, the NAO, the Bank of England all say there is literally no such thing as a Brexit dividend.

It doesn't exist.

It would be like going to a restaurant, saying, all right, mate, you'll split the bill three ways.

I'll put 20 quid on the card, 20 quid in cash.

For the last 20 quid, just go f ⁇ yourself.

Expecting that to be okay.

Not even an offer of washing up.

And she has also, as you referenced earlier, announced that she won't be standing for the leadership of the

leader of the Conservative Party Cup the next election.

She won't fight the next election.

And I think it's a great policy of pulling out of something that you have no chance of winning anyway.

I would like to announce the end of my marriage to Rihanna and return the 2021 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

She's the guilty mum of politicians now.

That's how it's come out, hasn't it?

It's like, I'm not, I'm going, but it's not going to be for ages.

But I want you all to know that I'm going.

You know, like when your mum calls you and goes, listen, I'll be dead one day and you'll regret not calling me.

It's just so funny to go into a confidence vote going, I'll stay for a bit.

Even I know I can't hang around.

Like, just vote for me for now.

Shut the f ⁇ up for now.

And what you've done in five years?

Are we 100% sure Theresa May wasn't one of the 117 voted against?

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I do have an idea of the backstop, but only because I got someone else to explain it.

would you like me to explain the um please do tiff okay so here's for a little section that we like to call scottish boyfriend explains a hang and this time it's uh scottish boyfriend explaining the backstop

nobody really wants brexit politicians didn't want it europe disney want it even the folk that voted for it didn't ken what it is they voted for and what it is they actually want is an impossible utopia and it is impossible by the way because we live in a country we have an imperialist history that we simultaneously want folks to forget about and respect us for.

It didn't mention the atrocities committed in India and Africa, but do remember we used to run the world.

Aye, very good fknap.

You've run it into the groon.

And while we're talking about atrocity, there's one very good reason why Brexit is impossible, and that is Ireland.

Invaded by the British, coerced into a union before being starved by the newly self-appointed imperialist landlords, Ireland's been a battleground for the Brits for hundreds of years.

Us Celts can be a stubborn bunch when there's nae money on offer to grease the wheels and ease the conscience.

That's when problems arise.

The English thought they could impose their rule on Ireland by force.

In Scotland we were a bit more canny.

They used flattery, money and force to get us on side.

Scotland got the carrot and the stick.

Ireland just got the stick.

Ultimately we both got fed.

Thankfully, a few years ago they all sat down, Jan Friday, came to agreement and now everyone's cool.

Until now that is because now we're leaving there is only two real options for Northern Ireland.

One, a hard border with the rest of Ireland which could see the troubles being reunited or two a border with the rest of the UK which effectively leaves Northern Ireland in the EU with the rest of Ireland a backstop solution that has Westminster all in a panic that is some underhand plan to trap the UK and Europe forever.

Aye shaw Heng we're back to the delusion that we are this super important country that everyone should be running about after us and trying to help but we're no we've already got the best deal of any European nation we're no gonna get a better deal than that and the rest of Europe certainly ain't gonna help it's pure arrogance to think otherwise so when nobody wants a hang it makes it fing hard to get a good version

So pleased that my Scottish boyfriend has explained the backstop.

As a side note, the eponymous Scottish boyfriend is also my tour manager and and that is a dead-on impression.

I'm just not used to hearing that voice with that level of force behind it talk about anything other than whether we're getting a Nando's before or after the shutters.

So,

well, we are in this bizarre situation now.

The clock is ticking.

Sorry,

tutting.

The clock is tutting.

And if you just let the clock tut out, what it's saying in Morse code is: Sh,

sha, sha, poo, poo.

David Cameron, in case any of you are wondering what he's been up to

this week.

Well, he's having fun playing in his special treehouse with his Lego.

He's wearing odd socks today because why not?

And later on, he's going to draw a picture of a dragon and stick it on his fridge.

Interesting times for the former prime minister and sower of the seeds of our national doom.

The Guardian has published some of the reactions from European diplomats, who, for quite obvious reasons, remain unnamed.

One of them asked, Is there a government in London actually?

Another described the whole thing as a muddy, soupy kind of drama.

And then another one, and I don't know if this is specifically referring to Brexit, said, London is a mess, everything is horrible, the nervous atmosphere gets tenser and tenser.

Hopes are still there, but joy is zero.

And you're like, That's not Brexit, that's just people on the central line.

The two are not related in any way.

London, hope is there, but joy is zero, is basically our city's motto.

So assuming that Theresa May fulfils her

dream of resigning

before 2022.

That will mean that four, so someone else will become prime minister before the election.

That means four prime ministers in a row will have come into office without winning a general election.

Yes.

That May Brown and whoever takes over from May through mid-term leadership.

And technically, Cameron didn't win a general election, she formed a coalition.

Cameron came in from a coalition agreement.

That's four in a row, six of the last eight.

And out of 22 new prime ministers since the start of the 20th 20th century only seven have come into office for the first time as a result of winning a general election so isn't democracy f

we have a we'll have a quick brexit q a section now various of you have uh submitted questions on twitter the fount of all truth and information um for us uh to address this came in from uh from jeremy my question is what the actual f a fair question i think we've probably covered covered that over the past.

Can we also just get do we have Jeremy's surname?

Because I am slightly concerned it's the leader of the opposition.

This came from Phil.

Dear Mr.

and Mrs.

Bugle, why

are some second votes necessary, but other second votes are an affront to democracy?

So

two years is enough time, I suppose,

with new information to say

we could now have another vote that's not undermining democracy is it although that's what people like David Davis will say yeah a man whose parents didn't even have the time to give him two different names

but but but yeah I isn't isn't two years enough time well yes and also are you fighting democracy with democracy

you'd have to be careful but it is yes the crucial problem is because obviously they they referenced the Irish referendum where the Irish people said they didn't want to join the EU then they put it back to them then they did.

It wasn't it more than twice though.

I thought it was like three or four times in Ireland.

It's just because they wanted to be sure to be sure to be sure.

That kind of joke is entirely well known.

The difference of this is

it is because you can't get a vote from the floor of the House of Commons.

This isn't about remain and saying oh we don't like although obviously that's a huge part of it.

This isn't about a point of principle.

This is that no deal can get through and Parliament has the legal right to a meaningful vote and cannot express its will.

Therefore, this is about breaking democratic deadlock.

Otherwise, if we don't have a referendum, it's either that or a general election, which I don't think people really want.

The Tory Party don't want a general election because they're petrified they'll lose to Corbyn.

So then a referendum really is the only way to

yeah, because otherwise we crash out.

Otherwise, it's no deal, and day one is like it's like it's Mad Max.

But then Dominic Greave is trying to get a deal on no deal, right?

So that you would basically be able to vote on no deal.

Right.

So there is a theory at the moment that they will go through every iteration of Brexit, so fundamentally every version of it on the floor of the House.

And Noel Edmonds is going to host it.

And then that sort of is maybe Noel Edmonds will host it.

Nacal Pandey asks, when is it your turn to be Brexit secretary?

And well, I think this raises an interesting point that actually, and I've suggested this before, that you should get the politicians out of it and just have random members of the public selected to do it on a day basis.

100%.

I completely agree.

I don't see that as being any less insane than our current policy of just picking politicians that are increasingly less famous.

Well,

if it is,

we just take a turn, I think it should be any of you, because I think it's sexist if I'm expected to be a secretary.

This came in from

Lion O.

Would Britain consider

a huge Thundercats fan?

Would Britain consider entering a trade agreement with Thundera?

Is the Eye of Thundera part of the deal?

Do we get to have that?

Because

that's make or break for me.

I don't know.

These are the kind of deals that Brexit will allow.

Listen, Thundera is full of worryingly African-sounding named people.

I think we're better off going with Narnia.

It's just a bunch of white people in a Jesus line.

That's the trade agreement.

We need to strike a trade agreement with Narnia.

Somebody get a delegation for Aslan on the blower stat.

She's even called the Snow Queen, isn't she?

Can't get whiter than that.

Anyway, apparently Thundera says our economy is strong and we're happy to do business with humans.

Hang on.

Thundera exploded at the start of episode one.

That's why they had to go to a different planet.

Oh, yeah.

And then the Eye of Thundera was

in the hill of the Sword Dominance.

Yeah.

So either that is a...

That is an echo through time, or this person's just talking absolute nonsense.

Well, which fits in entirely with the Brexit.

That was actually the only trade agreement that we're going to be able to do.

It's with fictional planets that exploded.

It's Thundera and Gallifra.

Has anyone been in touch with Skeletor or He-Man?

Charlie asks, how about a quote, just the tip Brexit

fan of the show?

By taking Cornwall out of the EU

and seeing how we all feel about it.

So it's just great

as an experiment.

It's a great idea.

Yeah.

It's like the poll tax in Scotland, like we tried things elsewhere.

It famously worked out, really.

And Cornwall want to leave the UK, don't we?

Don't they?

There's like a whole

Cornish Independence Party, yeah.

They're part of like these Celtic radical gangs.

Do you know what that is, though?

That's mainly to do with the fact that they disagree with Devon on whether they put jam or cream first on a scale.

It's like War of the Roses.

Well, it's their version.

That's their backstop.

There's been all this talk about needing to bring the country back together, which has fundamentally never happened.

Can we decide?

If we can't even decide on

the right way to put the toppings on a scone.

Scone.

Scone.

We can't decide on how to pronounce it or what order the toppings should go on.

Well, that brings us to the end of our Brexit special.

There's no other news this week, apart from Donald Trump's lawyer going to jail.

It's a lot of bad luck with the people he's appointed.

Very, very bad luck.

I know how he feels.

I've had two producers on this show.

Tom had to flee to Australia after stealing a £25 million diamond encrusted collar from one of the Queen's corgis while masquerading as the Royal Vet.

And Chris sells depleted uranium weapons to impressionable governments on the draft now.

So got to be careful who you employ.

Don't forget, if you're still struggling for Christmas presents to buy yourself and everyone you know and love, tickets to my Soho show starting on the 18th of December, running through to the 5th of January.

Anyone else got any shows to plug?

Well, I'm on tour from the end of January

until pretty much Brexit Day.

So, yeah, there's some of the tickets.

There's some places where I have sold, they are selling out, and there's other places.

If you live in Scotland and you fancy reclining across five or six empty rows in the dress circle of an optimistically large venue in Glasgow or Aberdeen, do please pop along to the shows.

I'm doing two nights at the Leicester Square Theatre on the 19th and 20th

of a podcast that I do called the Political Party, which will be dealing with all this Brexit stuff.

The guests include Jess Phillips and Alistair Campbell, and I'm on tour from February.

Where you go?

We have an old rope Christmas special on Monday, the 17th,

and also I'm going to be doing shows in LA and New York.

So I'm going to be in LA

22nd of January.

So I know that there are American listeners to the bugle because obviously, you know the ghost of John Oliver haunts this.

I was going to say, or I was going to say it's whenever we cock up, they look and go, we can supersize it.

So, you know, like, I know you're listening, so come to those.

And there's a couple of shows in London, I don't know.

Go on my Twitter at Tiff Stevenson.

Be nice.

Well, consider yourselves verbally flyered, everyone.

Well, that's it.

Britain is not the only thing leaving something.

The bugle is also leaving Radiotopia, as some of our listeners may have noticed from our absence from the Radiotopia fundraising drive, you will not have to adjust your podcast feeds in any way.

The show will be continuing.

Exactly where and when will be decided soon.

It's been a delight to be part of the Radiotopia Network for the last couple of years, but we will, well, we'll start a new season

after New Year.

There will be a show next week.

I don't know exactly what it will be yet, but it will unquestionably be worth listening to.

See you all at the Soho Theatre Show.

Until next time, happy Brexit.

Bye-bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.