Ruining Mark Wahlberg’s Day: Bugle 4080

Hello Buglers!

Hello,

welcome, welcome to the Leicester Square Theatre.

Now this is the inaugural Northern Hemisphere Festival of the Podcastic Arts.

I don't know if you're aware of this, this is one of the shows, many of the other highlight shows also coming up here at the Leicester Square Theatre, include the hit new podcast, My Bad Breakfast, in which celebrities tell all about disappointing morning meals.

This week, David Letterman recalls dropping a freshly cooked omelette on the floor whilst Martina Navratilova recounts how a broken toaster and an empty packet of cornflakes nearly cost her the Wimbledon title in 1990.

There's a new episode of The Lamppost, a minute-by-minute retelling of a day in the life of a lamppost

starring Sirian McKellen as a man looking at a newspaper under the light of the lamppost, narrated by Selena Gomez with music by the Skegness Philharmonic.

And a new podcast from Prime Minister Theresa May, live here at the Leicester Square Theatre, exploring the trials and tribulations of being a national leader, attempting to navigate her country's way through a logistical, political, and economic minefield.

That show entitled, Holy fking shit, what the f am I going to do now?

And why are all these being such?

And will someone please make it stop?

Got to have a catchy title in podcasting these days.

With special guests Nick Faldo and the Pointer sisters.

And

also the sixth episode of the new hit false crime drama podcast, Why Trevor Ate That Ferret.

This week, as police run DNA tests on the remnants of the ferrets, Trevor's argument with Noreen about the best catch-up to use on a rodent spiraled into a minor military scrap between their respective militias, whilst Elon Musk promises to have sex with a ferret in space,

whilst vomiting on a photograph of war hero and nursing pioneer Edith Cavell, just to see how people react on social media.

But first.

The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world.

It's always slightly too long that pause there.

So hello buglers

and welcome to London, England, UK and for the next six months Europe, the Northern Hemisphere and the solar system.

We're going to get out and we're going to get properly fing out.

I'm Andy Zoltzman.

This is the Bugle Live from from the Leicester Square Theatre doubling up as issue 4080 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a world of increasingly visual visuality.

4080, this episode, of course, named in honour of the lengths in minutes respectively of half a rugby match and a whole rugby match.

48 is also a new and somewhat unfair format of cricket.

And.

it is worse if one person claps than no one, but I do appreciate your gesture.

And 4080, by coincidence, also what scientists now consider to be the optimum number of referendums to hold to get a truly accurate picture of the will of the people.

Also 4080, the number of scientists it takes to change a light bulb into a space rocket.

And the personal best 4080 of the ex-North Korean bigwig Kim Jong-il at Dart.

And the number to which psychologists have advised that Donald Trump counts before pressing tweet.

So this is ah, the music's come to an enough time, that quite well, though, Chris.

This is

Thursday, the 13th of September 2018.

Happy birthday to Zachariah Zaltzman, father of renowned podcaster Helen Zaltzman,

renowned non-podcaster Richard Zaltzman, and professional decathlete Andy Zaltzman.

I'm freelance and I won't deny it, business is far from brooming in the decathlon trade.

On this day, in 1501, Michelangelo began work on his smash hit platinum-selling sculpture.

David, there he is in all his glorious

glorial for a

It's a penis.

Yes, for our listeners listening at home,

the testicle is the one next to the other testicle.

So this, of course, is David, or for our Australian listeners, dong out Davo.

So yeah, on this day, 1501, so

what's that, 517 years ago today, old Mickey chisels himself,

sat down with a new slab of marble and thought to himself, oh, I wonder what's inside this one.

Could it be a tree?

Could it be a dragon?

Could it be a fully clothed person doing something normal?

Could it even be a dog playing snooker?

Well, my money is on another hot nudie dude with his plonker and plums out.

Seems to happen so often with my bits of marble.

On this day in 1788, the Philadelphia Convention set the date for the first ever presidential election in the United States.

Yeah, I mean, it's not gone too well since then, but

so that was 13th of September 1788, and on the 14th of September 1788, a $250 million attack ad campaign claimed George Washington had secretly agreed to sell Washington, D.C.

to the Aztecs in exchange for a barrel of vodka and was, in fact, a Hindu woman called Pookie from Bulgaria.

Plus, Ange.

And do you know what happened on this day in Britain in 1752?

That is the correct answer.

Because this day in 1752 did not exist.

The British Empire skipped from the 2nd of September to the 14th of September as they got down and hit with the youngsters and started using the Gregorian calendar.

What a calendar that is.

Who here loves the Gregorian calendar?

Oh, yeah!

Take that, Julian, you inaccurate, time-hoarding piece of shit!

10.8 minutes per year too long.

What kind of calendar is that?

I do not want to wait an extra 648 seconds seconds for Christmas.

Most of Europe had adopted the Georgian calendar 170 years previously, which just goes to show: butt out, Brussels, let Britain make its own time.

Now, as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight.

They're going.

Where?

Good point, well made.

What was that?

Hear us.

Sorry?

Sending secret messages to France.

Sending secret messages to friends?

Oh, like this.

Like that episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

In the coffee.

Alright, okay.

So is this something that they're going to be listening to elsewhere?

Alright, okay.

Could you not just send them a fing email?

Or at least just use the shipping forecast on the radio.

It's amazing what you can get slipped into that if you know the right people.

I lost a lot of money on the shipping forecast last week.

Does anyone else gamble on the shipping forecast?

King, bloody hell.

North at Sierra.

Bloody hell.

That rising slowly written all over it.

I thought, f.

South-southwesterly little shit.

Now,

in the bin.

That was a little excerpt from an almost 20-year-old bit of stand-up that just came back and made them.

Happy days.

In the bin, this week, Keep Fit section.

Um who here is uh attempting to keep fit at the moment?

A very few of you, good, the rest of you heroes.

Uh we already can't afford pensions.

The last thing we need is people living longer and healthier lives.

But uh if you are into that uh we review the latest uh uh keep fit accessories including the breeze block bandana um really works up your neck muscles.

Uh the uh trampo clean uh which is a uh you bounce up and down whilst doing the dishes on the trampo clean.

You simply place your trampo clean next to the sink and then wash and dry your dirty crockery and glassware whilst giving yourself a good bit of a boing and that burns up more calories than death.

Also very good for your fitness, barking.

Have you ever wondered why you never see a dog in a hospital?

That's because

barking is the healthiest activity known to humanity.

Just 10 bouts of barking at a real, perceived or imagined threat to yourself, home, owner or sense of normality can burn off more calories than being a gladiator.

And also opens up your epifrottles and lungal tubulars, good and proper.

And also,

it's got to be a better bark.

That's not that's shouting bark.

That is not.

Put some fing effort in, for f's sake.

That's the problem if you train a dog using subtitles.

Those sections in the bin.

That's a lovely jingle.

I think that's my favourite one of the.

How many have you got all together?

I've only got five with me today.

All right.

But we can sort of talk through each one if you like and review them.

Well, I hope to get through all five.

That was number four.

That was number four.

Five stars.

Right.

I mean, this could be the new Bugle Bingo.

Yeah.

Which jingle is going to be used?

So, right, it's time to meet our bugle bugle guests for this week's bugle.

Are you ready to meet the bugle guests?

Good.

That avoided an awkward pause.

So, a great place to welcome our two guests back to the show.

Firstly, give it up for a fantastic comedian being on the bugle several times, been fantastic on it.

It's Tiffany Stevenson.

I just enjoyed that standing there while the music continued to play.

I felt like I had to participate in some kind of weird, like, British dance.

You know, like, who are the guys with the jingly bells?

What are they called?

Druids.

Morris dancers.

Morris dancers.

It's just a fine line, isn't it?

The Morris dancer and the Druid.

Like a Morris dancer, because everyone was clapping, and I was like, oh, I look like I should be serving beers.

I don't know.

But hi, hello, everyone.

Hi, f Eucharist.

Early daughters.

I thought you said Eucharist.

Going in hard early on.

And now to represent the entire southern hemisphere and all of the Pacific Ocean and surrounding lands is the wonderful James Nakise.

I'm still giggling from the dude who heckled you by going bark bark It's the most British thing I've seen since I've been here

Bark I say

Right, I think we're uh ready for top story Chris

Top story this week well we have to start here really it's Brexit again the latest

from the

so what I mean, what the f is going on, Tiff is our Northern Hemisphere correspondent.

As a spokesperson for all women,

see, look, Teresa,

I believe at the moment, Theresa's on her way out.

They're saying that she needs like

48 signatures for a vote of no confidence.

Where for me to just have a vote of no confidence, I just look at myself in a bikini.

It seems an unfair comparison.

But we are, I know that Boris is kind of angling to get in, isn't he?

But I think there are a couple of things that have just come to light that we really need to look out for in Brexit.

Number one, they're talking about there being a sperm shortage.

So someone over there just went, mmm.

Weird, weird response.

I'm thirsty, you.

So,

and roaming charges is the other big one.

So, you've obviously heard about this, that the mobile phone charges, we're going to have roaming charges in the EU, which is outrageous.

That's going back to the dark ages.

I'm going to be a beach in Spain and accidentally download a meme of a kid doing a booty shake at a pageant and get charged £87.

These are the real issues.

Well, I mean, it does.

I mean, why were we not told before we voted that there might be adverse consequences

to Britain?

I mean, we were told about them, but why were we not told about them?

I mean, this puts it all in perspective.

As consumers, we will actually have to check with our mobile phone operators what their policy on roaming charges is.

I mean,

why the f are we finding this out now?

I mean, that could take up to five mini I think that could have swung eight to ten million voters if we'd

so easily.

And well, I suppose in some ways it does prevent dick pics, but um

or should we say international dick pics?

Foreign dick pics.

Has most of the sperm been coming from Europe?

Apparently, I didn't even know.

I was like, is it for animals?

But I believe it's for humans.

Because I was like, I can understand, you know, if there's farms that have, we've got this bull and he breeds great cows.

So we need that.

But that bull sperm.

Or horses.

And the process of, if you have a stud, this is so gross because a friend of mine used to have horses.

If you have a horse,

you bring the horse, you bring the mare around, they mate it, they try and get them frisky.

But also, if you are someone who generates horse giz for a living, I don't know how else to describe it.

You have to keep their penises clean.

So you have to like rub them with baby oil and other other awful things well of course otherwise it would be disgusting

or chafee for the horse I don't know but

this is why we voted for Brexit because a lot of those jobs are now taken up by Eastern European

horse wankers and British kids are not getting the opportunity to toss off farm animals

coming over here taking our wanking

Coming over here giving manual relief to our horses and cows.

I reckon if you wank off a horse, then your mates get to buy you a beer at every drinks you go to.

Because no matter how bad one of your mates has had a bad day, you haven't wanked a horse.

Do you know what one of the other ones is?

I'll tell you the other shock thing that might happen,

just in case you're not aware, is they're saying that UK driver licenses may no longer be valid.

Have you ever driven around the Arc de Triomphe?

Thank you very much.

It's the most terrifying thing that you can do.

I went with my friend, Judy.

She's from Manchester, insisted on speaking French the entire time.

She'd be like, ooh et le syndicat, d'enishativ, that kind of thing.

Excuse Moi, and I had to explain there's a reason Francunian is not a language.

And we got to the hotel.

She was like, is there a toilet?

Is there a toilet in the room?

What's the French Ron Suite?

So she drove in a smart car.

It was the most terrifying thing we've ever done round the Arctic Trip.

There's no lanes, and everyone just goes.

There's no like give way to the right, like which ironically, France pretty much have.

Just thought that, oh, that's such a good joke.

Just keep that forever.

But yeah, you just go to the roundabout and everyone just goes for it.

And I was like, it's a good job this isn't a higher car because I've now upholstered all the seats with brown.

So it's scary.

And another, I mean, we keep seeing these consequences we weren't told about.

Weatherspoons pubs

have announced that we will no longer be able to order Jaeger bombs.

I think we should have a minute's silence for that.

I mean, that's great, isn't it?

It's the Russian dole of drinks.

It's like a drink within a drink.

It's like inception,

and that similarly involves a nightmare dreamscape.

And you don't remember how you got there, how you're going to get home, and why is your ex-boyfriend following you?

So, yeah, they've because it's a European drink, the Jaeger bomb.

Manio's thought Jaeger bomb was a very concise two-word summary of the 1983 Wimbledon Women's Singles Final when the promising young star Andrea Jaeger went to pieces in a, I believe it was 6-Love 6-3 defeat to Martina Navratilova.

But

it wasn't like the Jaeger bomb was in fact developed during World War I to be dropped from Zeppelins into the British trenches to get our tommies absolutely hammered.

It's not exactly a great, like, brave move for Wedderspoons, is it?

Like, if they get rid of, like, all the foreign liquids from Europe, then you're going to be able to drink bad wine, flat beer, and shitloads of cider.

Like, every fing weather spoons I've ever been into.

Oh, oh, other Brexit news.

Because of the Brexit vote, the countryside is now almost completely devoid of hedgehogs.

Yes, it's a prickly, prickly subject.

I don't know if there's there's necessarily a

causal link here.

I mean this is I mean is this the kind of future that we're I mean who here voted did anyone here vote leave?

But I mean who here voted remain

but

and who here voted remain in order to keep hedgehogs in the countryside?

Me.

Yeah there you go.

I mean this was largely a hedgehog based

vote.

I mean there is another interpretation for this and that is that hedgehogs are getting run over less because they have a greater will to live because of Brexit.

They treasure the notion of British independence.

I don't think they're going to get the country back when you guys all leave.

That's right.

Well, at least we've got some indigenous mammals.

Well, yeah, fing bats in New Zealand.

Honestly, I've been disagreeing.

We've got a kiwi.

It's not a mammal.

That's a flight.

I mean, the fiber.

That's barely a bird.

It must be a mammal.

Surely.

It's the worst bird you've ever seen in in your life.

You can't even see it because it's only around at night.

Like the kiwi, everyone's like, ooh, the kiwi, but it's the bird all the other New Zealand birds told to f off.

I actually thought it was the fruit you were talking about.

Genuinely, I was like, it's doing a fifth because it's a fruit.

Is that an actual bird?

Yeah, we've got like, yeah, it's behind us.

There we go.

There we go.

But is it?

Is it a bird?

Or is it a piece of fruit which is really pissed off?

There's a weird thing that happens in New Zealand where people who are like

sort of the supremacists, I guess, our UKIP versions, they'll keep going, oh, there's too much celebration of Pacific and Maori culture, or other people coming in, we're proud Kiwis.

And no one's had the heart to tell them that Kiwi is a Maori word.

On which subject, this seems like a perfect segue into Pacific News now.

It's the traditional call of the New Zealand Kiwi.

In Pacific News, on this date,

in 1999, I believe Tonga and Kiribati and Nauru all came into

the UN from the Pacific.

But also, it's all kicking off in Nauru, which some of you may know is the country most famous for being Australia's not quite legal jail.

It's like Kiribati, you probably go, what's that?

You'd probably see it on a map as Kiribati.

And a lot of people I've talked to today have said, oh, you should spell it the way it sounds.

And I'm like, it's Thursday.

But Nauru had recently the Pacific Island conference going on there.

And it was a bit interesting because Nauru picked a fight with China.

That is bold.

That's a bold movement.

For scale reference, Nauru is about the size of a Chinese traffic island.

I mean, we talk about David versus Goliath.

What we see here is essentially that little shriveled David's penis versus Goliath.

There it is for the David's penis.

All right, he was at work, he was focusing on the job.

I don't quite know how I've ended up comparing the country of Nauru to an Italian penis.

But look, it's a very well-sculpted penis.

What happened was there was a specific conference that the Nauru president, whose name, I kid you not, is Baron Walker.

He wouldn't let the Chinese come in on their diplomatic passports, when they're coming on their normal passports, and then he wouldn't let them speak when they were supposed to speak.

And a lot of people think that this is because they back Taiwan.

Nauru is one of six nations that back Taiwan.

They wanted to throw some muscle around, which kind of shows you the inequality because China's kind of got the US and Russia and Australia backing their rule over Taiwan, and Taiwan's got Nauru.

So it's kind of increased their posse.

There was a very interesting

result of this is nothing, really.

Nothing.

Because like Nau picking a fight with China is like your two-year-old brother, like pissing on your leg.

Like, you're annoyed, but

like, China doesn't like, New Zealand can't even get involved because

our Prime Minister went over and tutted.

That's her power move.

But we can't send our Air Force because we sold it.

What if you have a flyless Air Force as well as a flyless national person?

It's very on brand.

It's very on brand.

In for a penny, in for a pound, why not?

In slightly crazier New Zealand news, and very close to home from my home city of Wellington,

a stoned man has broken into Wellington zoo and got beaten up by tiny monkeys.

Kyota, Kyota to that brother.

In my home city of Wellington, John Casford, 23 years old, almost died after he snuck into a

after he snuck into Wellington Zoo at a, what the news people are saying is a non-secure gate, which in New Zealand we call a gate.

He admitted, this is what I love about the country, he admitted he was high as a kite

and he had it in his mind that he was going to catch one of the zoo squirrel monkeys.

It turns out the squirrel monkeys had different ideas about colonialism.

And so he didn't know what the judge, this is the great thing is that the judge,

Bill Hastings, because of course his name's Bill Hastings, he said, I don't know what happened in the squirrel monkey enclosure.

The squirrel monkeys know, but

you couldn't find them, and I don't speak squirrel monkey.

That is an official ruling from a New Zealand judge.

I mean, that, I guess, tells you everything you need to know about New Zealand.

That a judge has basically dispensed a ruling like that that essentially says, nothing that happens in this country matters at all.

We're all just having a little bit of fun.

We had avocado crime a couple of years ago.

This is the level of New Zealand crimes going on.

Have you been to a cafe in London?

Sorry, there's plenty of avocado crime happening there.

It's extortionate, I'm just saying.

It's the reason millennials can't buy houses.

That's right.

It's the opium of the 21st century.

Well, that was the sync up, is that because of the demand in cafes, gang members, like genuine patched gang members, were driving into avocado orchards with their gang patches on in a truck and just like standing on the truck and picking avocados off and then getting caught by the police with like gang members.

Yeah, we're from the pear crew.

Yeah.

Don't come for us.

I wonder if one of one lot of like the rival, were there rival gangs?

We've got more than one.

We've got more than one.

What's up with the New Zealand gang?

Yeah.

See, my mum said that she used to do it with apples when she was a kid.

They call it scrumping.

That you would go and like just sort of sneak apples off trees.

And I don't know what the law is.

Is the law if they're like hanging out onto public property?

I mean, it's a great British tradition, scrumping.

I mean, we essentially scrumped, I believe,

all the food in India during a famine

and the potato crop of Ireland.

So just a British thing that we like to do every now and again.

Apple surprised consumers and investors alike at its annual launch of new products this week, announcing we couldn't be asked this year.

Obviously, the technology is already way, way more than anyone could possibly actually fing need, and we just can't be asked.

We've reached the point where further progress is just really wanking into a bucket mark future.

Sure.

I'm glad you like that line.

You know I edited that and then put it back in because I wasn't sure about it.

A couple of upgrades have been announced.

The response time between a text arriving and an alert tone activating has been reduced from two ten thousandths of a second to one point three ten thousandths of a second, which for the average user will save anywhere up to three point five seconds per millennium.

And some new products, the eye patch, which covers the eyeball,

the screen spewing mindless social media directly into the brain of the wearer, and the new frontal eye lobe inserted into the brain that tells your brain what consumer gadgets it should be lusting after, and the iWeWee, which is

part tribute to the controversial Chinese artist and part bladder control device.

IWEWI wirelessly measures the amount of liquid in the wearer's bladder, then sends two emails or text messages, one to the user's iPhone telling him or her that he or she may, without being judgmental, need to urinate within the next 30 to 60 eye minutes.

And one to the Chinese government telling that their human rights record does not cohere with the i values of Apple as an iBusiness.

Followed up by winking emojis and a hashtag saying hashtags still want access to your 1.3 billion person market.

This is the new phone coming out.

They're like, this one's even bigger.

It's our biggest one.

And it's like, is it an iPad?

And they're like, no, no, it's, but it's almost.

Like, they're taking us for a ride.

Because, like, do you guys remember when the phone, the new,

this is the newest one?

It's our smallest one yet.

Yeah.

And they're like, this is the newest, it's our biggest one.

I reckon we're going to get to iPad.

And then it goes, all right, it's a newer one, and it's smaller.

Well, they've stopped even numbering them anymore.

They're just calling them XS Max, you know, instead of using, instead of using numbers, it's XS Max.

And I think there's another one, XR, XR Max, Max, XXXX.

I don't know.

Like,

I'm waiting for iPhone with a Vengeance.

That's the one that I'm really looking forward to, or iPhone Tokyo Drift.

But the Apple Watch, they've got a new Apple Watch, and I always have this theory about the Apple Watch that it's just for women who get bored when they're giving hand jobs.

Just something to look at.

Maybe on the other wrist, actually.

Look at me trying to work out how you give a hand job.

That's the most

awful bit of that.

Clearly, I don't do it.

It's like performing with John Holliver all over again.

Who here has seen the Mark Wahlberg's daily schedule?

This has been, I believe the term has gone viral this week.

Well, we offer you an alternative bugler's daily schedule.

9 a.m., wake up.

9.35 a.m., Get up.

9.40 a.m.

Go back to bed.

10.55 a.m.

Wake up again.

11 a.m.

Put the cricket on the telly.

11.01 a.m.

Remember that the cricket already finished yesterday.

Go back to bed.

11.45 a.m.

Wake up, watch yesterday's cricket highlights on a laptop.

1pm lunch interval.

1.40pm afternoon session brackets kip.

3.40 p.m.

tea.

4pm get up.

Invite Mark Wahlberg round for biscuits and scrabble.

Act disappointed when he tells you he's doing his 4pm workout.

Tell him he can have his 5pm shower at your house.

Call him a prick when he hangs up after saying, who are you and how did you get my number?

4.15pm to 7.30pm, general hanging around.

4.31pm, ring Mark Wahlberg again.

One minute after his scheduled bedtime.

Say you're disappointed he won't come out to the pub quiz because it's past his bedtime.

Ask him if he's got his special snuggly blanket in the bed with him and whether he's excited about the tooth fairy.

8.15, 8.40, 9pm, 9.15pm and 9.40pm, ring Mark Wahlberg

with questions from the pub quiz, repeatedly saying, sorry, Bergman, I forgot you've gone to bed because I thought you were an adult.

10.45pm, ring Mark Wahlberg, tell him it's last orders in the pub, and is he sure he doesn't want a cheeky pint in a game of pool?

Reply, no, you f ⁇ off, and ask him why he's operating his schedule as if he's living in the UK's time zone.

Say, yes, that is why your kids' school was confused when you turned up at 7.30 a.m.

to pick them up.

11 p.m.

late night sport watching.

12 a.m.

sacrifice Oxster's use.

12.15 a.m.

to 3 a.m.

general time wasting.

3 a.m.

bedtime.

3.15 a.m.

wake up, look up some cricket statistics online.

5.45 a.m.

bedtime again and repeat.

So there's your bugle daily schedule.

Right.

If you've enjoyed this show, there is another live bugle here in this venue on the Thursday, the 14th of November, correct?

Probably.

Yes, with

Nish and Felicity Ward.

So do come along to that.

Or come to the one in Dublin on the 8th of October.

Or my stand-up gig in Toronto on the 20th of October.

Come to the lot.

Keep that in the edit.

So

let's do a very quick food and drink section because there's been some sensational food and drink stories this week, including a very exciting development for space.

Oh, yes.

There is an exciting development in space involving champagne, but I don't feel that I'm the person to explain this.

So I'd like to introduce a little segment that we call Scottish Boyfriend Explains a Thing.

Doesn't get any less horrific

the more you hear it, okay.

The Mum Champagne Hoose this week tested a specially designed champagne bottle for use in zero gravity situations.

They took to the skies in an Airbus Zero G-plane, which uses parabolic fly paths to simulate zero gravity and geese the impression of weightlessness.

The specially designed champagne bottle uses the naturally occurring carbon dioxide of the champagne to scoosh out a bit of champagne as a foam, sort of like floating blobs of alcoholic jizz

that rich fly a boot and try and catch in their mouths.

It's impossible to read.

Essentially, it's written in Scottish.

Essentially, what you'd imagine the Bullingdon Club to be like only in space.

I'm not sure how much a bottle costs, but considering it's only available in fing space, chances are it's out of the reach of plebs like us

probably can't even get your deposit back on your techno bottle.

And even if you could, I doubt there's a corner shop on the moon that accepts glass checks.

Pricks.

Anyway, we need to to move on'cause we are running out of time.

Um uh and uh also it is ten years to the second since uh the credit crunch.

And it seems that

we should reflect upon this momentous

decade anniversary.

Ten years ago, the financial world was going economic short-termism arse over casino banking tit

to put it in layman's terms.

Anyway,

I was talking to this about a friend who's an economist, and he was looking at trying to find lessons from history.

He was looking at a newspaper from 1911 to see if we could learn any lessons.

The headlines are about a nasty virus doing the rounds that led to the king banning people from clearing their throats and a famous expedition party arriving in Antarctica in a boat to try to reach the South Pole.

The headlines said, Royal bands cough Scotlands.

Anyway,

he worked in a mortuary, my mate.

But it was not a top-grade mortuary at all.

And he started

he was greying and hair and he's looking haggard and wrinkled.

And he said, I'll tell you, Andy, it's exhausting working here in this not-very good mortuary.

I feel ten years older.

Yep.

Working in a sub-prime morgue ages you.

It actually stung James's face.

Sorry, I can't bail out now.

Putting your money where your mouth is

So to try and relax him we went to play snooker and he did he didn't want to play a game so he just practiced doing shots off the the like the elongated thing with the cross on the end He was very happy with it.

He said at the end Andy, that was a great rest session.

Rest session.

Okay, no, that's the correct response.

So we then went to a...

He went on and on then

talking really, really fast, but not very interesting, about how you should steep your tea leaves in a pot and not just use a bag.

He gave it his full proper tea bubble.

Property bubble.

Proper tea bubble.

So we went to a pub quiz.

There were three questions: three on sport and one on politics.

The questions were: which England or Rounder was a key player in the 2005 Ashes?

Which hot-tempered headband-wearing American left-handed tennis player lost and then beat Bjorn Borg in the finals of the 1981 and 81 Wimbledon men's singles finals?

Which Dutch housewife won four gold medals at the 1948 London Olympics?

And who is the current Prime Minister of the UK?

He shot out straight away with the answers: Freddie, Mac, Fannie, May.

Thank you.

So anyway, he tried recreating the conditions of the banking crisis using laboratory animals to see if they would make the same mistakes as humans, but none of them were stupid enough to make it happen again.

He started with the smallest animals, then got bigger.

Mice had several attempts, but couldn't do it.

So do the cats, they couldn't do it.

And the monkeys couldn't do it either.

Right, he said there's only one thing for it.

It's the bears' turns.

Bears' turns.

This is how they colonised us, in case you want to know.

He was

friends also with Great Britain's most famous jockey from the 1980s.

Great horseman, but he couldn't tell the difference between wild animals based on the sounds they made.

On safari, I went on safari with him to get away from the economic crisis.

In the middle of the night, he heard a bellowing sound.

Shit, Andy, is that a giraffe?

No, Mr.

Piggott, it's an elephant noise.

Then there was a roar.

Yikes, said the pint-sized 11x champion jockey.

That must have been a crocodile.

No, I said, it was a lion sound, Lester.

A lion's sound, Lester?

A lion's sound, Lester?

Anyway.

Where is Floss of Dussman there?

We need a stepladder for the reach on that one.

So he had some suggestions of how to stop it happening again.

He said we should leave it to the robots.

I responded, AIG, that's a risky.

Cook's really destroying hope here.

He's been at the crease for at least 40 minutes.

And then

he said that we should should should should threaten Sadiq Khan to try and get the city of London into line because he reckoned that then the Sadiq Khan would back down and I said what you think the Merrill Flinch

I spent five days at a cricket match I'm not thinking right and finally apparently he told me that this is very interesting top presidents apparently top presidents of America many of them scared of farm animal noises.

He told me that Lincoln would get nervous when he heard a pig, Thomas Jefferson hated the sound of chickens, and the first president of the USA got shivers at the mere prospect of hearing a cow.

I said, Let me write those down: Lincoln, oink shudder, Jefferson, cluck fear, Washington Moochill, Washington Moochill,

and that was one of the big bank collapses, Washington Mutual.

Jesus.

I'm going to really

needed to end on something a little bit better than that.

Right, okay, that brings us to the end

of this bugle.

And I think we're all relieved about that.

We were contractually obliged to do an hour-long show, and we've done an hour and 15 minutes.

So, if you could just ignore the least funny 15 minutes that you've seen, whatever they may contain.

We're most grateful.

Thank you very much for coming to the Lester Theatre.

Thanks to the Leicester Theatre for having us.

Live bugle shows coming up.

If you're listening, the 7th of October in Salford, the 8th of October in Dublin, and back here in the Lesware Theatre on the 14th of November, please show your appreciation for the wonderful Tiffany Stevenson and James Nakise.

Chris, the producer.

Until next time, Buglers, goodbye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.