The Bugle plays away: Bonus Bugle

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to sub-episode 4079 codename Alpha of the Bugle.

It's week off time to try to give the world the opportunity to take a few moments with itself, without us telling it off for being so naughty, and hopefully pull itself together a little bit for the run-up to Christmas.

So, for your audio delectation this week, we have some more choice morsels that were deemed too choice to be broadcast at the time we recorded them, but have now subsided to acceptable and, more importantly, safe levels of choiceness.

Right, let's crack on with this week's sub-episode show with bits of other shows.

Chris, crank it up.

We'll have a quick bugle feature section now, and

this week's bugle feature section is sleep,

which is something that many of my Edinburgh audiences have enjoyed over the years.

Who here likes sleeping?

You betrayers of the words of John Bon Jovi.

Now, a report has shown that inadequate sleep causes $400 billion

of economic losses every year in the United States.

It results in 1.2 million lost days of work each year.

I mean, that is at

$400 billion a year.

Now, the Global Terrorism Index puts the economic cost of terrorism globally at around $100 billion per year, and bad sleeping, $400 billion in the US alone.

So I would say, take that, bin Laden.

You dead beardy bastard.

People needing a snooze is more of a threat than you could ever dream of being.

You have been owned by the things that keep people awake at night.

Television, awkward marriages and worrying about the future of test match cricket.

You've been schooled.

A number of causes, I mean a lot of people actually do blame

John Bon Jovi.

What?

Well, because he famously sang the great lyric, I'll live while I'm alive and sleep when I'm dead in the song sleep when I'm dead.

But let's look at whether, you know, how his life life has panned out.

He released in the 1980s four albums in less than five years.

Then there was a significant gap to Keep the Faith, which included Sleep When I'm Dead in 1992.

That was one of only two studio albums that Jovi produced in the almost 12 years between 1988's New Jersey and, of course, Crush in 2000.

This decline in productivity is a classic symptom of insufficient sleep.

Now, it can be caused by lifestyle and social factors, but in the case of Jovi and his bandmates, was the result of a philosophical belief in the pointlessness of snoozing.

Since Crush, he's released only six more albums in 18 years, so the evidence really is overwhelming.

I mean, the thing is...

I'm interested.

Oh, sorry.

I mean, that's one every three.

That's well down on their well-rested, Halcyon days of the 1980s.

Well, look, they turned out almost one a year, but they were still young enough then that when John Bond's mother, Doris Jovi, said, John Bond, put your pajamas on and go go to bed I don't care if you're a platinum selling rock star or not you do as you're told young man they did it they went to bed and they got this news

can't argue with science people you cannot argue with science

I have a feeling Andy John Bond Jovi who forgotten their career they might call you in

for a quick recap

I don't understand how sleep can be costing the economy in that way because I'll be honest with you I've slept about three and a half hours in this entire festival and it has resulted in me putting so much money back into the economy in coffee and kebabs.

If I wasn't awake at three o'clock every morning, I wouldn't be currently pumping money back into the economy via Palmyra on Nicholson Street, which is

thank you, an outstanding kebab house, and also the only restaurant currently in the United Kingdom to feature a picture of me on the walls due to a consumption of shawama that the man who owns the business described as borderline heroic.

Well, I think that's the first time in bugle history that someone has been applauded for eating a Shawama cabal.

On this day in 1977, the Big Ear, a radio telescope at Ohio State University, received a radio signal from deep space.

The event is named the WOW signal.

After someone wrote WOW on the paper printout of what was received, there was a 72-second burst of radio waves.

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that.

You just need to have Wikipedia.

Apparently, it originated from the constellation Sagittarius and was represented on the printout as the alphanumeric sequence 6EQ UJ5.

Now, if we've got...

There it is.

That is the sequence.

That was the closest we've ever come to receiving communication from outer space although there are now various explanations that suggest it was not some alien message one suggesting it was just a pair of comets no big deal Another suggesting it was in fact it was in fact a planned alien invasion that by the time the signal was released had in fact already happened around about the year 1 BC

And the letters 6EQUJ5 represented the votes cast by the aliens for the name of the alien baby child that was to be implanted into humanity to disrupt the planet for the next 2,000 plus years.

There were six votes for Eric and Quentin,

five for Jesus, and also five for Ursula.

How different history might have been had that one.

We can only assume there was some kind of recount or reprochage or casting market because of course as we now know Jesus did win.

Others think that this is in fact a football score from the Sagittarius constellation but came through in the wrong order was the result of a match on Sagittarius between Esportibo Aquilia Quarence and Jebel United.

Just came through a bit jumbled after a thrilling 6-5 victory for Quarence that was by all accounts the most exciting match in the history of the entire Sagittarius constellation.

And the signal was in fact a radio phoning after the game.

Next week there is another Bugle Live and this time we're not recording it in a woodland clearing at midnight.

We're recording it at 9.30pm at the Leicester Square Theatre on Thursday the 13th of September.

I will be joined by an all-three-syllable surname cast representing Britain, Europe, the Northern Hemisphere and all of the world's women.

It will be Tiffany Stevenson and on behalf of the Southern Hemisphere, the Pacific Ocean and everything in and on it, and men in general, James Nikesa.

And we will also be welcoming back the disembodied cauliflower brain of Donald Trump, which will no doubt have some interesting things to say about the Machiavellian plottings to bring down his presidency being waged against him by, amongst other shady forces, his own behaviour and words.

That's at 9.30pm Thursday the 13th of September, Leicester Square Theatre.

Tickets at LeicestersquareTheatre.com.

Other forthcoming shows include another Bugle Live at Leicester Square Theatre on the 14th of November with Nish Kumar and Felicity Ward.

On the 7th of October we'll be at the Lowry in Salford with Alice Fraser plus AN Other TBC, only a few tickets left for that one.

And on the 8th of October we'll be at the Sugar Club in Dublin with Alice and David O'Doherty.

And from the 18th of December to the 5th of January, I am back at Soho with the latest installment of my year-by-year definitive chronicling of this planet 2018, the certifiable history tickets now available on the Soho Theatre website.

Oh, and oh, and I'll be doing a stand-up show in Toronto on the 20th of October.

That too, more details to follow soon.

You've been waiting for the goat news all these years.

Alice, you are our goat news correspondent.

Yes, apparently according to science, goats can judge human expressions and they are attracted to people who are more smiley, which is a great thing for goats unless the person is smiling in anticipation of eating a delicious goat.

But as with all of these science studies, it's more complex than it at first appears.

The effect was only significant when the happy-faced photo, they put two photos, goat chose the happy one, but it was only significant when the happy faced photo was placed on the right-hand side.

When the happy photos were placed on the left, goat showed no significance preference either way.

So the researchers think this is because goats are using one side of their brains to process the information.

I think it's important news for right-leaning, goat-luring aficionados.

In other goat news, a Minnesota couple have pioneered goat yoga, where they lured three dozen people to come to a residential area of Ferrara in Minnesota on Saturday morning and just have their yoga repeatedly interrupted by goats.

Apparently many said afterwards they could not wait to try it again and some have arranged to bring goat yoga to their houses.

Charity Cooperus of Alexandria said, This was great, we just came to play with goats and maybe do some yoga.

It does

this research on goats responding to happy does I guess suggest that that whole trauma with the trolls was very much a learning experience for goats as a species.

But it does also make you think, what the fuck are scientists doing if they have time to investigate whether or not goats respond to smiley faces

before finalizing that fucking cure for malaria?

Concentrate, scientists.

We got any scientists in?

Well, what kind of science do you do?

Pharmacy.

Pharmacy.

That's just witchcraft, isn't it?

It's just.

Are you NHS fans?

I don't really like the NHS.

Clearly, a lot of of problems, particularly with junior doctors.

New government, just breaking news, actually, the government's just announced a new scheme whereby they're going to force junior doctors to take their patients home with them at weekends

so they can get the full 258 366 NHS that we all dream of and

of course it's going to a lot of junior doctors early in their careers can't afford their own places still live at home with their parents so it's going to lead to some slightly awkward situations.

Mum, is it okay if I bring someone home this weekend?

Oh, have you met someone new, darling?

Not exactly.

His name is Reginald.

He is 98.

He has Alzheimer's and a colostomy bag.

Oh, very modern.

Well, as long as you're both happy, darling, that's all that counts.

But I'm not going to tell your father till I'm absolutely sure he's ready for it.

Right.

There's more goat news.

Oh, more goat news.

Far away.

It was the championship game of Kok Boru in Kyrgyzstan, in Bishkek, which is a traditional sport popular across Central Asia in which horsemen battle to drag a goat's carcass towards a goal.

That sounds like an awesome sport, Alice.

That's basically rugby, but a bit less violent.

And with a dead goat.

Well, I mean, it's the only sport where you get to eat the ball afterwards.

And what happened in the final?

Was it a good game?

Someone won.

Not the goat.

Brush your teeth is not only one of the most important phrases in the entire vocabulary of parenting, but it's also something you should remind yourself to do almost as often as you remind yourself to listen to the bugle.

Both are unquestionably the most important part of your day if you want to stay healthy.

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Mouths are one of the most famous facial features in the history of humanity and with good reason.

They have a range of uses far in excess of for example the ear or chin.

Quip will also help you strive towards dentalo-toothical consistency.

Their built-in timer helps you clean for the dentist's recommended two minutes with guiding pulses to remind you when to switch sides.

And my favourite bit, Quip also comes with a mount that suctions right onto your mirror.

That is truly Space Age.

Quip starts at just $25, and if you go to getquip.com/slash bugle right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a Quip electric toothbrush.

That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com/slash bugle.

Right, it's time for some more sub-episode action.

Are you cricket fans?

Give me a cheer if you're a cricket fan.

Congratulations on your entirely correct lifestyle choices.

Why do you not like cricket?

That's no fing excuse!

Other than the fact that here's what you could have had.

Instead you had baseball, which is essentially cricket for people who cannot or will not think.

As many, here's what you could have had things in America, for example, The Queen.

I mean, who would you rather have, the Queen or Donald Trump, as your head of state?

She is technically our head of state.

She's just not technically our leader of the state.

Listen, Uncle Sam.

Or are you just very insensitively breaking some very important news to us?

I regret to inform you, sir, she's still technically our head of state as well.

I mean, actually, post-Brexit, I mean, that could be quite a...

Because Prince Philip clearly is not getting any younger, let's put it like that.

And,

I mean, when looking to build global alliances, could we be looking at some kind of romantic link up between Her Majesty the Queen and Narendra Modi?

Wow, I think I just lost my erection forever.

That's an easily my favorite Kenny Rogers song.

Well, I'm looking forward to after this geek.

Daddy, I've got a few questions.

Right.

Like the Empire, Andy, this podcast is falling apart.

Well, that concludes this week's Bugle sub-episode.

We'll be back next week with that Bugle Live from the Leicester Square Theatre in London.

Until then, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.