Bugle 4077 – Space Force

There it is, the thieve music and please welcome to the stage Andy Zoltzburg

The bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

I mean a microphone would help

19 years in Shopifies

Hello buglers

That is the correct response.

Welcome to the Bugle Live here in Edinburgh.

This is doubling up as Bugle 4077.

How are you all?

I hope you're more specific in that when you go to see the doctor.

How are you feeling?

Boo!

Welcome to this

live bugle.

We are here back where it all began.

Not the bugle, which of course didn't begin here.

It began in the molten core of planet Laughter.

But we are back here where life on Earth began, according to scientists, here in Scotland, because scientists now think that the origin of all existence actually occurred here in Scotland hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years ago when some inanimate Scottish atoms looked south, saw that there was no life in England either, and thought to themselves, we'll show those bastards.

I'm allowed to say that because I do have Scottish heritage

in that a distant ancestor of mine was executed in Scotland for stealing a sheep and the rest of my family fled south.

So it's great to be back.

It's great to be back.

So

no matter how bad my gigs here in Edinburgh go, I always know things have been worse.

So I am Andy Zoltzmann, as you're probably aware.

I'm the Grand Duke of Garbage, and I'm fresh back this week from a family holiday in Spain.

In fact, I got back yesterday, began my Edema run

today, and in the space of three days during my family holiday in Spain with my wife and children, I managed to survive plummeting hundreds of meters down a mountain, being thrown from a speeding horse, and being hurled from a boat and engulfed by a mighty river.

Okay, I'll do this.

Right, okay, you made your point.

Okay, I do probably have have to give you the full story on that.

I did plummet hundreds of meters down a mountain in that I went on a beginner's canyoning expedition with my wife and two children who were aged 11 and 9, during the course of which I managed to fall over and smash my head on a rock.

Luckily I had a helmet on and also there was a bit where I had to rappel down a waterfall.

And at the bottom of the waterfall were my wife, who had successfully achieved this feat, and my two children, who had also successfully achieved this feat.

And I, watched by them with an increasing degree of scorn, pity and fear,

and also watched by the next group of canyoners getting increasingly bored by the fact that a 43-year-old man was unable to do some very basic physical skills.

spent a good 15 minutes failing to rappel even one meter down that waterfall before I had to be physically helped down by the canyoning instructor to the barely suppressed giggles of my darling spouse.

I then, for the first time in my life,

went horse riding

and by horse riding what I mean is I sat on a horse swearing and mentally preparing a will as this horse moved at approximately one mile an hour through some not particularly dense Spanish undergrowth.

And at the end of an hour on the horse, I got off pleased still to be alive and the horse responded by urinating for a minute and a half.

And

I went whitewater canoeing.

Again, very, very basic.

Well, and I managed to fall out of my kind of inflatable canoe and hit a rock that the instructor had said, make sure you go well to the side of the rock.

I hit the rock full on in the middle.

I was then hit by another boat and dragged down the river, sustaining what can only be described as mild bruising

to my body and deep, deep bruising to my pride.

But I would say that there is nothing wrong with allowing your children to see that underneath the rugged, manly, heroic, paternal exterior that they're used to seeing, that they inevitably see in their father, lies a certifiable coward and profound incompetent.

So it's um it's great to be back here on uh on uh on dry land and this uh we are recording on the 15th of August uh 2018

and that is of course as you Scots who's Scottish here by the way any Scotts here as you would know this is the anniversary of the same day in the year 1057 when the Scottish king Macbeth was killed at the bottle of Battle of Lumpanan sorry if I've pronounced that wrong by the forces of Malcolm something unpronounceable.

Now, I've got this, there was the real Macbeth character, but bears little resemblance to the famous Shakespeare character.

The historical figure probably, historians think, did not win the throne of Scotland in a TV game show hosted by some witches.

Nor was he a serial opponent murderer, nor, and in fact was by all accounts, of which there are almost none, given that this was more than a thousand, almost a thousand years ago.

He was in fact a hard-working box-to-box professional king who did a solid job for the Scots, and moreover, was actually quite happy if you called him Macbeth to his face.

Although he actually preferred Big Mac,

not quite the same connotations back then.

MB1, he was particularly fond of that, Betty Snowball, no one quite understands that,

or simply Macca the Smacker.

But historians have developed

a Shakespeare simulator app to apply the same level of transformative Tudor propaganda filter on contemporary figures.

Because it wasn't just Macbeth, of course, Richard III was heavily propaganded by Shakespeare.

And I've run it on some contemporary political figures.

In fact, I've got it on my

computer here, so let's see if we can get this.

I've got it going on Nicolas Sturgeon here.

And

yeah, the Shakespeare filter

turns Nicola Sturgeon into a fire-breathing nation destroyer who wants to bring devastation to these islands by splattering a once great nation into shards of recrimination and discord.

Oh, sorry, I haven't switched it on yet.

Oh, one mistake.

Must stop reading the Daily Mail.

David Cameron, well, he with the Shakespeare filter, he becomes a donkey with a bowel disorder who can't stop shitting on people's picnic rugs.

Jeremy Corbyn becomes a rabbi who loves Christmas.

Theresa May oddly becomes eerily like Phoebe from Friends and

Donald Trump becomes a sweet old spinster called Enid who runs an embroidery and wool shop in rural Canada.

Also, today is World Calligraphy Day.

Christopher,

I'm not sure technically that counts as calligraphy.

No, but it was too good to miss, wasn't it?

And this is the second world.

Who here has perpetrated some calligraphy today?

Yeah, well done.

And to mark the occasion, we have a special piece of commemorative audio calligraphy

for you.

Here it goes.

This

is

the beauty.

I don't know if that logically works, but anyway, I enjoyed it.

As always, a section of the bugle is going.

Correct, it's going where?

And then where?

Landfill.

Landfill.

Never gets recycled.

Disappointing.

This week, in the bin, a special commemorative cave art supplement.

You have had a fun day, haven't you, Chris?

Five hours on a train, yeah.

Archaeologists studying caves, this is revolutionary news across Europe, have revealed the results of decades of intensive study into the images of animals and humans found in caves, which date back tens of thousands of years.

And having examined the crudely drawn outlines of horses, bison, oxies, and other creatures, as well as the handprints they found on human forms, Professor Peleon Graffard, who led the investigation, announced, these pictures, which give us a fascinating link into our distant prehistory as a species, are, with all due respect, f ⁇ ing shit.

For the most part, they're just the kind of half-ar scrollings most of us could do in our f ⁇ ing sleep.

Our theory, therefore, is that the caves where these artworks were found were most likely some form of preschool nursery or a kindergarten art club.

They all look like some three-year-old has drawn them.

There are a few that are a little bit better, but we think they were probably done by the teachers to show the little barters what to do.

It all makes sense.

Keep the kids safely deep in a cave whilst mummy and daddy go off to make flint into arrowheads or do some more research on what witch berries are and are not poisonous, or do a bit of hinge work, or fight off a triceratops, then pick them up at tea time on the way home.

So, it's time now to meet our guests for today's bugle.

Are they both here yet?

At least one of them is.

They were both coming from doing their solo shows,

and oh, there we go.

That's uh,

we have uh two

Family show!

It does appear that they are both here.

Or Alice has grown a new arm.

First up,

a woman who has been to more hemispheres this summer than you have had hot dinners in the last three to four hours.

Probably.

Just mean two.

Has anyone had more than two hot dinners?

Good.

It's all the way from Australia.

Alice Fraser.

When she walks, she moves so fine.

Like a flyman goes.

Crimson.

Hello.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Bugles.

How are you?

My producers said that they didn't have anyone to fly for me after the show, so just take one and pass it on.

That's a very efficient way of doing it, to be honest.

And then they don't have to look me in the eye and refuse to take them.

Oh, man, I've just had a day, Andy.

I've had a day.

Right.

I had an audience review on the audience fringe page.

You know how the ticket buying page has audience reviews section?

I've avoided those.

There was a lady who really hated the show, which is fine, but she was was like very angry about all my Brexit jokes.

Right.

I do not have any Brexit jokes.

There's always a subtext isn't there?

Yeah.

Yeah like I've done four separate solo hours that are respectively about death, kindness, judgment, quantum physics and a guy in a service station being a c.

No Brexit jokes.

I'm not sure I should bring this up on the Bugle the podcast with the most enthusiastically stupid audience participation based listenership on the planet, but

there is an audience review section on the Edinburgh Print website.

So

I am

when you say there weren't that's not a guy in a service station being a that's the that's the theme of this year's show.

Well that is what that is what Brexit was all about wasn't it?

Well that's I voted for Brexit so we would have more people being

motorway service stations.

This would mean that people get back on the road more quickly, boosting the economy by around $3.8 trillion a year.

Plus the guy driving that bus bus needed his Ginsters pie somewhere.

Ginsters.

Do you know this very interesting etymology of Ginsters?

No.

Do you know it?

Oh, God.

Who thinks it's Ginsters and who thinks it's Ginsters?

Ginsters?

Who thinks it's Ginsters?

Ginsters.

See, this is it.

We cannot even agree on the name of

a f ⁇ ing pasty.

We are not going to agree on Brexit.

Here we are.

I mean that is, to be honest, the level of debate that we have been reduced to in this country.

The etymology is quite interesting.

Some people think it's named after Genevieve Sterolien, the French nurse who invented the cheese slice as a medical dressing in the Napoleonic Wars.

Now troops could use the rectangular slab of cholesterol as a battlefield dressing before as they lay on the ground waiting to be captured by the enemy or by the Reaper or by basic gangrene, then having a stomach-filling snack to see them into the next life with a full stomach.

So it's named after her, Jean Steer.

Or if you think it's Ginster,

if you think it's Ginster, that's from the cheese pastry serve in Orléans in France in the 15th century, around the time of the execution of Joan of Arc.

The British officials presiding over Joan's trial on charges of wearing unlicensed headphones at an illegal volume and driving an arc at over four knots on a public lake.

They were given a

cheese pastry and the way they voted was either by eating the pastry unbaked to vote for acquittal, in which case they were for her, or by tossing their pastries into the nearby fire for a guilty verdict, in which case they were against her.

And they then ate the now-cooked food whilst the 19-year-old wannabe saint and medieval battle reenactment enthusiast was wrapped in dough and cooked behind them.

So

there you go.

A bit of fact to get you going.

And it's time to meet our second guest who come and clean up that deluge of bullshit.

Now, if there's one person who's going to be coming onto the stage tonight who's most likely to become president of the USA, it is our next guest on the grounds that he is American and a man.

Please welcome the wonderful Alex Edelman.

You don't need to be American, didn't stop Obama.

So, Alex, how's Edinburgh going for you?

Good.

I spent the day leaving audience reviews on Alice Fraser's page.

It's gone okay.

It's good.

The show is the same as the show from Australia, but the show is largely about anti-Semitism.

And when I wrote it, it wasn't topical.

And now it's very uncomfortable some nights so no it's going well this is my favorite place and despite the the rain it's been been a pretty good fringe yeah and have you found that this this increased topicality has made you more or less anti-Semitic

I can get away with less if you know what I mean

I think my entire career is living proof that we no longer run showbiz

Actually, Andy, we had a meeting and you're out, buddy.

Right, it is now time for top story this week.

And top story this week, the sun.

We've all heard of it, and

we've all at times enjoyed it and resented it.

The world is currently having a bit of a tricky relationship.

Not that sun, Chris.

Sorry, sorry.

Chris,

we're having a bit of a tricky relationship, I'd say, with our number one star, the big hot thing that really puts the solar into the solar system.

It's been causing merry havoc

here on Earth by shining much too hard.

It has been, I don't know, probably not here in Scotland, but it has been seriously hot around the world.

A lot of heat.

flying around that may be linked to climate change and a portent of now unstoppable devastation to come thanks to humanity's collective failure to take notice of warnings or it may more likely just be the ancient Egyptian sun god Ra enjoying a nostalgic resurgence

but ironically actually when it is over 40 degrees Celsius burying your head in the sand is actually quite a good way of keeping yourself cool

but luckily at last

we are doing something about it yes NASA has launched the Parker Solar Probe over the weekend, setting the spacecraft on a journey that will take it closer to the Sun than any human-made object before it.

The Parker probe will reach as close as 3.8 million miles to the Sun's surface, taking it directly through the Sun's atmosphere.

According to NASA, this will take it so close that it will actually, quote marks, touch the Sun.

You can't say actually and then put touch in inverted commas.

The quote marks mean actually not actually.

You cannot sarcastic quote marks touch the Sun.

If someone left a user review on my Edinburgh Fringe Ticket website that said my show sarcastic quote marks touch them, I'd be fucking furious.

I mean, 3.8 million miles is a pretty loose definition of touch.

By that definition, I'm literally, quote, touching all of you right now.

Everyone, literally, all of you, especially you, Edelman.

In a really creepy way.

Nice.

My favorite part of the whole story is the comments on the Independent News website's coverage of

the quote event, which

someone has said, Superman's been there and done that, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, next.

And another person has said, not to touch the earth, not to touch the sun, nothing left to do but run, run, run, run, let's run, Jay Morrison.

My favorite thing about it is I watched some of the press conference online, and the NASA spokesman is going through the details.

Someone, unmanned, right?

And he goes, yes, Jim, unmanned.

but it's very important scientific research this part of a project that NASA's been doing for years to find out whether the Sun is as popular mythology would have it a source of heat and light for our planet despite being 90 million miles away or whether it is in fact a large flaming biscuit

also they want to discover why the Sun is sometimes hot like on a clear day, and other times not so hot or visible, like when it's cloudy.

So, I guess if you get closer to that,

do you know, it's costing 1.5 billion to send it, but I think it could have been so much cheaper if we just launched it at night, right?

It would be so much.

Stop quoting your president.

Well, I mean, you know, that's nothing on Space Force.

Right.

Da da da da da Space Force.

Well this is obvious.

I mean in a speech Thursday the Vice President Mike Pence outlined plans to create Space Force which is billed as a new branch of the US military dedicated to fighting wars in space.

Apparently the idea

They put out some suggested logos.

Apparently the idea is getting respect from people who want to defend satellites in space from Russian and Chinese interference and also Star Trek fans, who I assume desperately hope the principles of non-aggression and peaceful diplomacy will leak out like radiation from a warp core breach.

At best, it will cost more than $8 billion to establish this kind of preemptive defense presence in our skies that will definitely invite reciprocal Space Force investments from the political enemies of the US.

And at worst, it will end in raging atmospheric battles in the skies above our homes.

What I'm saying is, there is no way to win.

This is the Kobe Ashi Maru.

Do you know Roger Stone, who's one of Donald Trump's advisors currently under investigation, tweeted an image of himself and a bunch of other Trump cabinet members in Space Force gear and then had to delete the image

because, did you see this?

Someone had photoshopped not just their faces over the faces of NASA crew members, but also a new mission patch over the Apollo mission patch.

And that new mission patch had

swastikas.

And the caption of the

caption of the original picture said, in space no one can hear you lie.

And Stone said, I love this.

I heard that Trump said that we're going to have a space force and we're going to get the aliens to pay for it.

I can't wait until they send an actual manned mission to the sun where the first words of the first man to disembark will be: one small step for ah,

ah, I'm quote, Mark's actually dead.

The Parker Solar Probe, back to that quickly, Parker Solar Probe Coins, also the name of one of the finest amateur endoscopy products on the market today.

Is

the fastest man-made object

ever created at 430,000 miles an hour, 120 miles a second.

In context, if you were caught driving at 430,000 miles an hour on a British road, you would be banned from driving for 62,658 years.

What a meaningful statistic.

Yeah, which cop car is that fast?

So

this Space Force has not been universally admired.

Retired NASA astronaut Scott Kelly said he thought

cybersecurity was more important.

His brother, also an astronaut,

Mark Kelly, called Space Force redundant and wasteful.

And I would say that is exactly what the aliens want you to think.

Redundant and wasteful mean the same thing, so it's kind of a redundant and wasteful use of words.

Yes.

Also, redundant and wasteful wins votes.

We know that.

But also, the aliens have already invaded invaded Russia.

And it's easy to tell.

Have you ever heard them speak?

It's absolute gibberish.

Mark Kelly pointed out that he was on the news and they asked him about it.

And he said, we already have one.

It's part of the Air Force.

And they said, is it really?

He said, it's like taking the submarines out of the Navy and calling it the under-the-sea force.

We're going to kill those little mermaids.

You watch us.

We'll have a quick sun fact box.

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that the sun is hot.

And I mean really hot.

Hotter, some claim, than pizza.

Fresh out of the oven.

In fact, a pizza oven is approximately 700 degrees Kelvin, whereas the corona of the sun is 2 million degrees Kelvin or 2,800 pizza ovens rolled into one, but bigger.

So the corona of the sun would actually cook the perfect pizza in exactly 0.02 seconds

whilst the 15 million degree Kelvin center of the Sun would cook a perfect joint of roast beef in four thousandth of a second and slow roast an elephant in 0.1

but be warned unless you ate your food and left the restaurant within 1.3 nanoseconds of arriving at Shea Sol for dinner you would either be dead or so badly sunburnt you would not enjoy your food at all

Fact two, we're all familiar with the phrase, oh look.

We're all familiar with the phrase, look, the sun is rising.

But the reason that the sun rises in the morning is because overnight it naturally fills with hydrogen,

which makes it float above the horizon in time for breakfast.

And finally, fact three.

If the sun is indeed, as the great

solarologist team of Marvin Gaye and and Tammy Terrell claimed in their hit song of 1969, if the world is indeed a great big onion, then the sun is, by deduction, a satsuma as big as a hot air balloon.

And finally, the popular...

The popular song, The Sun Has Got His Hat On, was released in 1932, with two versions released the same year.

One recorded by the Henry Hall BBC Dance Orchestra, the B side of the single being the original rendition of f ⁇ ing Depolis, made famous by the later 1980s cover version by the influential rappers NWA.

The other version by Chartop was Ambrose and his orchestra was later banned

after it proved to contain hidden messages encouraging people to perform satanic sacrifices.

But in reality, the sun actually has no hat.

If the sun had originally had a hat, it would have burnt off at least 4.5 billion years ago.

shortly after the sun came into existence.

Ironically, when it is sunny, you should wear a hat.

The dinosaurs had no hats.

Join the dots.

Here endeth the lesson.

Huglers, here is an important announcement.

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Quip was called the best electric toothbrush by GQ and the Tesla of toothbrushes by Bloomberg.

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Moving

in feminism/slash girls gone wild news now, a lady was caught on film shaving her legs in a public drinking fountain in a park in Spain.

This is why Brexit, Andy.

I mean, it happens quite a lot to me, Andy.

I'll just be walking along the street, and suddenly, the weight of increasingly impossible feminine beauty standards will slam into my conscious mind, and I'll find myself fixing my makeup on a train or ducking into a shop to buy a hair treatment I don't need or up a tree giving myself a quick bikini wax.

Is this feminist performance art or did you just find a promising match on Tinder and had the horn so badly that human dignity went out the window?

I mean, Edelman, you know how it is.

Hormones get the better of you.

You're a young man in a dry patch.

A lady winks suggestively over the lunch table and all of a sudden your bulls are halfway down a plastic cup of Hanad's hair removal cream in the bathroom of a McDonald's.

Trying, you know how it is, you know, trying not to scream expletives as your pubic hair and the top layer of your skin dissolve away because you promised Ronald McDonald you wouldn't swear in front of the children.

You've got to keep your chin up because it was your New Year's resolution to be a depilatory balls cup half-full guy, not a depilatory balls cup half-empty kind of guy.

Amen.

It's like John Oliver never left.

That was all I had on that.

Is that the feminine feminist?

No, no, there's heaps more.

All right, let's see.

I just wanted to give you guys some space.

Well, just

to think about what's just happened.

Yes.

So, what else is happening in the world

as our correspondent for 51% of the world's population?

Well,

we have an Adelaide woman attacking a luxury Mercedes-Benz worth more than $400,000 with a baseball bat in what by rights should have been a protest against Mercedes for that grovelling apology to China after it thoughtlessly quoted the Dalai Lama on Instagram without giving due consideration and sensitivity to the delicate feelings of the massively lucrative Chinese market.

But unfortunately it's suspected to be a revenge attack.

Apparently she spray-painted the words cheater, slut and man whore on the expensive douche mobile, so it's probably just that he did what dudes that buy cars like that so often do, which is test drive the newer model before they've got the rid of the one in the garage.

One witness said the scorned woman, aged in her 20s, was cool, calm, and collected during the rampage, though I think hitting something with a baseball bat is body language incompatible with the words cool and calm.

Even baseball players aren't cool and calm.

They pretend to be, Andy, with their chewing gum and backwards caps, but they're all riven with existential acts because it's a stupid game and in their heart they know.

How dare you?

How dare you?

There hasn't been a baseball game worth watching since Bobby Thompson hit the shot heard around the world in the ninth inning as the New York Giants beat the Brooklyn Dodgers for the national lead pennant in 1951.

That is good knowledge, to be fair.

I do not understand the Adelaide's woman urges to enact violence on an innocent status symbol/slash penis extension, but then I also don't understand her urge to have gone out with a guy whose idea of worthwhile expenditure is a car that's almost halfway to a million dollars worth of rapidly depreciating asset.

So who am I to judge?

Alex,

can I disagree with some of that?

Right.

First, can I just, because

you're a big sports fan?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And do you play a lot of baseball?

Yes.

So can you, what is the technique for hitting a Mercedes?

Would you

have to sing a Kerry Underwood song about it?

Doug McKee isn't it?

It's a stupid game.

Why do the managers always argue with the umpires?

There hasn't been a decision reversed in 110 years.

Here's why.

Because eventually we're going to do this VAR bullshit that you guys have been doing

and we want to have some like back catalog correctness to argue with and baseball's an amazing sport if you like two hours of excitement stretched out over the course of four and a half years.

And if I want two hours of excitement stretched out over four and a half years, I'll go to one of Zaltzmann's shows.

You saw my best show.

More feminism news?

Yeah, but let's have another bit of

feminism news.

Can't wait to see which part of American culture are you going to insult next?

We've got video games, or

we've got the lady who said she was white and clean.

Oh, let's go with video games.

One of the world's most popular video game streamers has said he refuses to play with women online in order to protect his relationship with his wife and not feed toxic online gossip about his love life.

Tyler Ninja Blevins, who is...

Yeah, when you know your name is Tyler Blevins, ninja is the nickname.

Who is married to fellow video game streamer Jessica Goch, has 10 million subscribers and is the biggest streamer on video streaming platform Twitch.

He makes 500,000 US dollars a month playing the game to translate Andy.

Twitch is an app where people w watch other people playing video games.

Video games are like a cross between watching a movie and playing sports.

500,000 US dollars is more money than you and I will make in a decade, even if we combined our incomes to build a time machine and go back and buy Bitcoin before it got huge.

So he won't play against women because

playing a video game against a woman is basically the next best thing to banging.

Right.

I mean it's

up, down, up, down, left, right, left right.

Acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts, acts.

smash the buttons until she tells you to stop

I think

you know elderly when they come in self-defense yeah sure

I think it's right did it wasn't it's not I mean it's not it's not

it's not just uh it's not just computer games I mean didn't Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor first get together over a

game of

bowls?

I mean, I do worry about computer games.

I have children who are starting to get into that dangerous age bracket when their lives may be taken over by shit like this.

And I'd much prefer they sat on their asses watching a test match for five days,

use their brains properly.

But I do worry about

the impact on people's behaviour of games, of games.

Again, it's not just computer games, board games as well.

I mean, my uncle used to play a lot of chess.

massive racist.

And also on the flip side, and people say like yeah the computer games adversely affects, but let's look at the positive side.

Grand Theft Auto launched 1997

and it's now in the fifth, is it five or six?

Five Grand Theft Autos and it's a game where you have to drive recklessly and commit violent crimes essentially.

And since Grand Theft Auto was launched in 1997, road deaths in Britain have halved

and violent crime has come down.

So it turns out it was actually giving people an outlet they didn't have before.

And it makes you think if only the BBC had developed a computer game in the early 1970s that enabled...

What's going on back in your home country?

Well, I'm not sure if you guys know this, but about 10 minutes ago, Donald Trump resigned.

And now I'm sitting back in the

I am fing with you.

Donald Trump fired Amarosa Manidalt Newman for the second time, but the first non-apprentice time.

The first time he fired her was because

her and the protege team sold steaks to the wrong restaurant, but this time it was because she violated some national security agreements.

Two sides of the same coin for me.

Yeah.

And

one of the things I hate the most about Donald Trump is that he's made me root for people I've always despised.

And she is shopping a book and some secret recordings that she took in the White House

with a recorder that looked like a pen

while she was there.

So

some big news.

My favorite thing

about this is that Omarosa's book, one of the excerpts, was said that Trump thought seriously about getting sworn in on the art of the deal.

But advisors told him there was only one book written by multiple authors falsely attributed to a single being that could do the job.

I love Good Bible joke.

I'm not a God-fearing man, and that feeling is entirely mutual.

And Alex Jones has been,

well, he's been,

there he is, the shock jock.

Are you all aware of Alex Jones?

For those of you who don't know who Alex Jones is, imagine a rabid dog barking at a bucket of sick.

But instead of barks, out of its mouth comes the molten shit of an evil dinosaur.

That molten shit then solidifies to become a coprolite in the shape of the swollen penis of Beelzebub after he caught his plonker in the zipper of some trousers he'd borrowed off Stalin.

Alex Jones is a fossilized fly that died on that shit 50 million years ago.

Give or take.

So that's filled in some gaps for you.

I always thought he was a floating parasitic butthole that just buzzed through the air until he found like a stream of bullshit to latch onto and then just sprayed it over as wide an area as humanly possible.

But you're the scientist.

That's the first time anyone has said those words to me.

So

he's been dropped by Twitter for

he's been dropped by Apple, and then he was dropped by Facebook, and then he was dropped by Twitter.

And we're going to continue down the line until Friendster decides that it's no longer a good for him.

Alex Jones, his defense is that he's playing a character.

But unfortunately, that character seems to be Joseph Goebbels.

right I think we are we we've now might get away with one quick thing

have we I'm not

have we got in have we got time for this Chris

well

well um

just to finish uh with the Sun

our lead story this week the Sun is of course

a star

and the biggest star in the universe it's miles bigger than the other ones which are little specks by comparison.

But

I actually had a friend who was an astronomer and was fascinated by stars.

But he got so excited by looking at the stars that he developed these bizarre food habits

when he'd been looking for constellations in the sky and he used to go to this French restaurant that serves speciality dishes made from the facial features of mythical creatures.

One day he went in, and the matron said to him, Today's special, monsieur, is from a half-human, half-orse creature.

You can have a full portion or a demi-portion.

And he said, Yeah, why not?

I'll have half a centauri.

Half a centauri.

And I'll try the exotic meats as well.

I love eating humped animals, especially, so I'll have some camel

and domedary salad.

He was a massive fan fan of Leonard and McCartney, interestingly.

In fact, he formed a tribute band with some of his buddies from the synagogue.

They call themselves the Beetle Jews.

But he was a very, very indecisive golfer, particularly off the tee.

He could never decide.

When I used to play golf with him, he would always say to me, Andy, should I take a wood or iron or iron or iron?

He also liked poker, but he had this.

He had this very obvious tell when he was playing poker, when he had a good hand.

He would start talking to himself in a New York accent and would say to himself, I got a player these cards, right?

Play of these.

I mean, I had to look these up, to be honest.

I was pretty much out at Alpha Centauri and Andromeda.

But he led a sponsored protest streak against government underfunding of telescopes.

He got 10,000 naked astronomers to run across the pitch at Murrayfield.

They called it the Great Bear.

And he celebrated that with another weird dish at his favourite restaurant.

It was a local dish, in fact, here in Scotland, a variation on haggish, made of finely ground sugar and sheep's testicles called castor and bollocks.

He then asked, Do you have any of your three bear meat sausages today?

And the wait said, No, we're out of brown.

We've only got one left.

We're out of brown, we're out of grizzly.

And he said, Never mind, I like the other one.

Best made of the white furry bear.

Polaris, my favourite type of bear sausage.

But anyway, eventually he was made a lord for his services to making cheap watches and calculators.

He became known as the Cassiopeia.

That's it.

That's it.

I'm done.

That's it.

Why are you clapping?

I'm done.

I just want you to know what the interplay there was, was I started writing some puns and then Edelma just went, shh.

Right.

Well, no, it's just something I feel I have to do.

I'm being serious.

Oh, fuck up yourself.

Right, I think we're all done now.

I need to go and sit down.

Any final...

Oh, let's

plug your shows.

Alice?

My show is called Ethos.

It is at 7.55 at the Underbelly Bristow Square.

It's a double act with a robot.

I also have the trilogy podcast up online now as a podcast.

I assume you know what that is.

What a podcast?

Yeah.

Oh, right.

It's called the Alice Fraser Trilogy, and it is available.

It is lots of comedy.

It's three comedy.

Consider that a verbal flyer to go with the physical flyers you were given at the start of the show.

So, who, were there enough to go around?

Who here has an Alice Fraser flyer?

Alright, will you just sign them all verbally?

Just do like your verbal signal.

So annoying when celebrities do that.

It's just a scroll.

Make some effort.

I'll sign.

Please pronounce the A and the F.

Genuinely, I will sign anything.

Right.

Anything, Alex.

Do you want to plug your show?

My name is Alex Edelman, and my show is called Just for Us, and it's on at the Cabaret Bar in the Pleasants Courtyard every night at 8 p.m.

and

or 2300 hours if you're Washington time.

And the President.

It's a very good show.

I saw it in previews.

I'm glad I did because we clashed now.

But it's a very good show.

I highly recommend it.

I mean, if you're not going to listen to Alice Fraser, listen to the five stars from the Jewish Chronicle obviously

and I'll be doing it in London in September hopefully so yeah thank you so much and you can see you can see my one-man show right questions wrong answers at 3 p.m.

at the stand we are back here the same time next week

with Nish Kumar and Anuvab pal that concludes anything else Chris any other oh no right good what shirt have you got lined up for next week well that's the I mean whatever pisses off Anuvab or Nish the most I'll look for.

Pennies, everybody, nine pounds.

That sounds like it could get dangerously racist.

So

tune in next week to hear the end of Chris's showbiz career.

Thank you very much for coming, Googlers.

I do hope you've enjoyed it.

Please give it up for Alice Fraser.

Alex Adelman.

Until next time, good night.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.