Bugle 4075 – Fledgling season

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4075 of the Bugle.

The show was recorded on Tuesday the 10th of July at London's Underbelly.

There might have been a false sense at large in the world and particularly in parts of England that football was about to come home.

Sadly we received a call late on Wednesday evening saying that football had had a last minute change of plans and was staying away for another week or four years or the rest of eternity to be confirmed, do tune in whenever those episodes happen.

Anyway, do enjoy the show.

There it is!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Welcome to the Bugle Live.

Please welcome Andy's Ultimate.

Hello not buglers

a few of you for

a slightly confusing evening.

Welcome to the bugle.

Can we just dip the music?

Slightly Chris.

Can we just get there a little bit?

There was a little bit quite loud there.

So how are you all?

Okay, that was...

I couldn't make all of those out more clearly.

How are you all?

Okay, let's try and get some clarity on this.

Just you in the front row, how are you?

Fantastic.

Okay, there we go.

So we had a vague general answer to an unnecessary question followed by a slightly louder, angrier answer, followed by one person trying to take control of it.

Welcome to the nation of Brexit.

I

am, although your answer was rather too clear and concise,

I am Andy Zoltzmann and this is the Bugle Live doubling up as issue 4075, the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world.

We are here at the Underbelly on the south bank of the renowned London celebrity river, the Thames, reigning London Natural Waterway of the Year.

Yet again, recently romantically linked in the gossip columns with the North Sea.

After the two were seen apparently kissing in a satellite photo.

And what a time to be here in London, capital city of the England football team.

Who,

as we speak

is it coming home, and if so, what will it find?

It may be coming home, we don't know yet.

We'll report back next week on whether or not it did come home.

This is Bugle 4075, and ironically, 4075 is by coincidence the year in which England had been predicted on previous trends to next be in a World Cup semi-final.

I'm joking, of course, 4075 will not be a World Cup year.

4074 or 4078, that joke would have worked.

But anyway,

sorry?

Yeah,

that's right.

Cricket World Cup year as well.

I don't know if the cricket cricket is coming.

I think cricket's going to its new home of India.

Today is Tuesday, the 10th of July.

Well done for cheering the anniversaries of the deaths of the legendary 19th century American chess player Paul Morphy.

There he is.

What is your beef with him?

Leave him alone.

He was enough of a recluse in life without you two.

You lot hounding him in his piece in the grave.

And you've cheered the death of Louis Daguerre, the French

photography pioneer, you hypocritical bastards.

Without this guy, your smartphones would just be little portable easels and you'd have to paint your own f ⁇ ing selfies and pictures of your lunch.

So have some respect.

Also on this day in the year 1212, so what's that now?

That's what, 806 years ago here at London burned down.

Too soon.

That's the kind of division that Brussels is trying to foment in this country.

And also today is Silence Day.

I don't know if you know that, the 10th of July is Silence Day.

I mean, that's an awkward one for a comedy gig, to be honest.

I have celebrated it at numerous other gigs that I've done through my career.

And to mark Silence Day,

we are giving you a choice of free silences, courtesy of the bugle.

Five free silences you could choose.

Here's Silence 1, the awkward silence.

Silence 2 is the reflective silence.

Silence 3, radio silence.

This joke is wearing thin.

Silence four, the pregnant silence.

Is it mine?

And silence five, snooker.

As always, a section of this podcast is going straight.

Correct answer.

This week, in the bin,

an insult gardening section.

In the bin gardening section, there is the In the Bin logo, Insult Gardening.

I don't know if any of you practice insult gardening, but new scientific research has shown that verbally abusing the plants in your garden can make them grow up to 13.8% faster.

Here comes the science bit.

A plant that is feeling shame, embarrassment, or some other form of dudgeon-related negative emotion releases the enzyme Chagrinase, which accelerates floralism and leafishness.

In fact, the colour of a flower's petals is a signifier of its current level of shame.

Roses are very shameful creatures.

We advise you

in our insult gardening section exactly what burns to invect on which plants in your garden.

If you have a ceonothus, you should say this, you briefly blossoming overgrown pseudo-hedge.

How about you put some f ⁇ ing effort in for the other 48 weeks of the year, you ground-wasting parasite.

For the orchid, national flower of Panama, are you?

Well, have you been enjoying the World Cup?

You wormy-rooted petal-pushing show-off?

There is such a thing as too many species, you 28,000 varieties of horticultural imperialist uberflora.

And for the tulip, you are an economic havoc-spreading wannabe onion.

And

also in the bin, a commemorative section on the christening of Prince Louis.

We have royal christening commemorative supplements.

Louis, born in April, is the third child of Prince William and Lady Prince Kate seen in the picture there and is fifth in line to the throne on current form.

So

fifth in line to throw, he's going to have to get seriously fucking medieval to get anywhere near the big one.

Now according to the BBC Royal correspondent obsequious Fitzfawning,

the crown-wearing tot has been named Louis Elvis Wimbledon Final Manufacturing Windsor.

The traditional four forename royal names.

The last of his four forenames, a tip of of the royal naming hat to one of William and Kate's favourite sectors of the British economy.

The third of his names was named after what was on the telly last July whilst he was con well, I mean, Federer played beautifully to be fair.

We have a free royal giveaway, a classic royal name for you buglers to use as you see fit.

You can use this as a middle name or as a new forename.

Choose from Henry, Victoria, Catherine, Ma'am, Beyoncé, or Athelstan.

Your choice.

It's time now to meet our bugle guests for this historic last ever bugle before England becomes the greatest nation in the universe for the first time in 52 years.

It's coming home, yes.

Where the f has it been all this time?

Why did it never even write?

First up, it's the bugle representative for the southern hemisphere for all female beings and things, including many French nouns, for the global lapsed Jewish Buddhist Catholic community, it's Alice Fraser!

When she walks, she moves so far.

Hello, Alice.

Hello, Bugleers!

How are you?

Very well, very well, Larry.

Now, Alice, as we've heard, football is coming home.

You have yourself actually just been home to Australia.

I visited Australia for a week, which I would not recommend.

Is that not better than visiting Australia for a month or a year?

And I mean, as something returning home, what advice would you have for football?

You know, football went off to buy some milk one day and never came back, and now it's coming home, we're meant to embrace it with open arms.

I just, I think maybe football needs to do some groundwork

to win back our affection.

There's many years where I was missing a strong football figure in my life.

Right.

And how have you rectified that?

By not watching the football round.

I think I won.

Yes, I think you probably did.

And now, for the first time ever, I'll not be the one of the finest comedians I've worked with.

Please welcome the wonderful Andrew Maxwell!

Thank you, Andrew.

Myself and my esteemed colleague Zaltzman here, we went and watched the first half of the football together, didn't we?

In a pub with a thousand different screens.

Yes.

We had no chairs and we stood beside each other looking at different screens.

We looked like the cover of a folk album.

It's a wonderful thing, football, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it's way better than reality, isn't it?

I mean, what things have you not been thinking about because of the World Cup?

Oh, all sorts.

I think there's a lump on me somewhere.

I think there's a lump, there's something, yeah.

My uh, my parents' dog passed away during the World Cup.

Who gives a shit?

17-year-old dog.

I never saw England reach a World Cup semi-final.

Didn't make it out of the group stage.

Did.

See, as an Irishman, but long-time resident of England, I'm very torn about England's success in the World Cup, you know.

I describe it as I'm for the players against the country.

Yeah?

I think these are probably the most charming and humble group of English players ever.

And I quite like them.

But then again, I like the millennial generation.

They're well-behaved, clean behind the ears.

Right, because they're...

Whereas there's a country, I mean.

I mean, awful, really awful country.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

No wonder your patron saint is fictional.

A fictional Turkish man.

I think deep down you all know you should be ashamed of yourself.

Well, I mean, I personally...

He didn't slay a dragon at all, did he just kick the shit out of a newt outside a pork.

But Patrick on the other hand, real,

a real Welsh slave boy.

Well he chased the he chased the snakes out of Ireland.

He did.

And moles.

Right.

Well that that is the origin of the great Irish sport of hurling, isn't it?

It's one of them because after the military.

I mean mostly it was drinking and fighting.

I mean in Australia we've got a very high rate of skin cancer so eradicating moles is a.

boom

going in early there Alex.

What's that brilliant?

There was a brilliant

government health thing in Australia about making sure you put sun cream on.

Slip slop slap.

Slip slop slap.

But the first time I went to Australia there was a it was basically there's a TV, Aussie TV presenter and there's somebody getting a skin graft.

They're literally, do you know what I'm doing?

It's in an operating theatre and this guy is actually happening.

This is real.

And he's he's there, he goes, This is Gary.

Gary didn't put sun cream on, and now he's having to get a skin graft.

They're taking skin off his bum and they're sticking it on his face.

So, unless you want to wear your bum on your face, slip, slap, slop.

Slip, slop, slap.

Slap, whatever.

I'm a stickler for accuracy when it comes to late 90s advertising campaigns.

No doubt.

That's what we say about you behind your back.

Right, it's time for our top story, Chris.

And here it is, top story this week.

Brexit, and by Brexit, I mean the total meltdown of Britain, its politics, its democracy, and its government.

Have you, if there are any.

Who has been enjoying the current bouts of total f ⁇ ing chaos?

I think this is fair.

This is what we voted for.

We voted knowing it would cause chaos.

This is what the government is giving us.

Chris, have there been any resignations since the start of the show?

No, not in the last 20 minutes.

That is good to know.

We will update you on that later during the show.

Boris Johnson, God rest his soul,

if it is ever located.

The 54-year-old unemployed man from West London.

He

quat

David Davis quat.

Um there have now been uh other quattings.

We had uh Chris Green, the ministerial aide.

Can you believe Chris Green has gone?

Big Christie

resigned his position as a parliamentary private secretary to the Department of Transport.

No!

When parliamentary private secretaries to the Department of Transport are falling on their sharpened sword-shaped corsets, you know your country is in a difficult spot.

He resigned.

He said in a letter that Theresa May had confirmed his fears that we would not really leave the EU.

But the word really was not on that.

It was not on that ballot paper.

It was not really leave the EU.

It was leave the EU.

Not leave the EU or...

Well, I mean, this is the thing.

It's the will of the people.

It's the will of the people.

It's the last will and testament of the people.

It's happening.

It's happening.

And all the remoters can dry their eyes.

It's happening.

We're going to WTO rules.

We're going to show them what's what.

Britain's going to sail out into the world and trade with them again.

Start making magic beans and such.

Do you know what they love?

The foreigners, they absolutely love some beads.

Beads and necklaces and such.

Britain, all it has to do is have the gumption and self-belief to sail to the new world and just buy back Manhattan with some beads.

Trump might go for it.

Boris Johnson quit as Foreign Secretary.

He said the reason he quit was the dream of Brexit is dying, which would be sadder if the dream of Brexit hadn't always been the sweaty cheese dream of a tapped-out single dad.

Where he dreams he's going to marry Angelina Jolie in a cloud city full of approving whoopy Goldbergs in her role as time-travelling bartender Guynan in Star Trek Enterprise.

It's fine to have that kind of dream, but Boris wanted to move forward with the dream like if single dad Gary then woke up and from his cheese dream and rushed out to quit his job in middle management to pursue his dream without thinking through any of the logistical, ethical or legal ramifications.

I mean how do you get that many Gynans?

You got a holodeck handy?

He also said Brexit should be about opportunity and hope, which is not entirely the message during the campaign when Brexit was very much about sending Syrian refugees back to where they already were.

No, it's it's a hope they'll all go home.

Alright, I guess, I guess.

Giving them the opportunity.

The opportunity to f home.

It's all there, it's all a very positive message.

Yes, he apparently, in the Checkers meeting, used the term polish the turd, referring to Theresa May's scheme.

Polish the Turd was also one of the more marginal 1970s children TV shows.

That puppet was just a little bit graphic.

But to be honest, I think I would respect Theresa May a little bit more if she just was honest enough to say, to come out and give a press conference on Downing Street and say, I will polish this unwanted turn until it passes for an acceptable, if unconventional, paperweight.

I'll respect her more.

There's nothing that inspires less confidence in a political move than a rash of resignation.

It's the kind of rash no topical cream will adequately resolve.

It's like that metaphor of rats fleeing a sinking ship, but in this situation the ship is made out of rats and the captain is a weasel and the first mate is Boris Johnson.

In disguise as a rat in disguise as Boris Johnson.

Shh, they haven't noticed he's just a mug of salami offcuts in a fluorescent yellow party city hair hat yet.

You know he's not, his name's not Boris.

It wouldn't be.

It's not.

It's that Boris is his middle name.

Everybody within British politics and political journalists all know him by the name that everybody who actually knows him,

it's Al.

His name's Alexander Boris defeffel Johnson.

And everybody who's in British politics calls him Al.

Everybody who went to school with him calls him Al.

Boris is his stage name.

He's like a Brazilian footballer, basically.

But you know, isn't that just...

When you know that,

it makes it even worse.

It's you realise that you're a muggle.

You're a mug.

You're a mug.

It's like a giant political in-joke.

And if you call him Boris, then you're a mug.

You're on the out.

Given the choice of the initials AJ and BJ, he went for BJ.

That says everything you need to know about the man.

It is starting to look like we probably should have thought about it a bit

before

voting voting on it.

I'm going out on a limb.

Well, I guess it's like the old saying goes, if you're going to jump out of an aeroplane, take a parachute, don't just take a couple of bed sheets, some string, a vague sense of hope and opportunity, and an attitude of how difficult can it be.

Just breaking news now, some more resignations.

Theresa May's frown has resigned.

No, that's holding up the pillar of British community.

Also, well, earlier on today, two

vice-chairs of the Tory Party have also quat, Ben Bradley and Maria Caulfield, issued a statement saying compromise is for wieners.

People did not vote for compromise.

They voted for dogmatically sticking to an ASIA undefined course of action.

And there's also been a presignation.

This is the new form of resignation.

Backbencher Herbert Strimp, the MP for Snutterbridge Central, has preemptively resigned as junior minister for woodland areas, saying I expected to be appointed within the next two years, but I'm quitting today in process that how I think things will have panned out by then.

Unless the current or any future Prime Minister can guarantee that things will be exactly how people may have wanted them at some hypothetical point in the past to become in the future, then I cannot serve in any hypothetical future government.

So confusing times.

Today I listened on Five Live, there was a Brexiteer saying that it's going to be rough, but it's going to be great in 10 years' time.

That's a long time to wait.

10 years?

10 years of rough?

Yeah.

I don't think we've got it in us.

Oh, come on, Rob.

That's how I'm going to propose.

Oh, yeah, but we're a nation that's bravely withstood 52 years of hurt.

10 years of rough is nothing to us.

Felt really rough.

Like, I think, and you know, and they were like, well, how rough are you talking about?

Well, there might be some food shortages.

And that's pretty rough.

I mean, I was just thinking about spotty Wi-Fi.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, that horrible country hotel Wi-Fi.

But that's what we'd have to go back to.

That was my idea of a hellscape.

Do you know what I mean?

Not strong enough for Netflix.

I thought that's where we were going.

But like proper running out of food, roughly.

Could you fight for food, gang?

Could you?

Oh, yeah.

I'd f you up so badly.

For a sandwich.

Like, I'll do it now.

For a sandwich.

I didn't say we were going to tramp fight.

A sandwich?

Is that all my beautiful face means to you?

A sandwich.

As a member of the next island, which is about to be turbo fed by it.

Got a little bit more of it.

Okay, right, right.

I genuinely...

This is...

I live in Kent.

Is anybody in from Kent?

Yes, me.

Are you?

Yeah.

Are you from Kent?

Well, I grew up in Tunbridge Wells.

Oh, that's not Kent.

Well, Tunbridge Wells, for those who knows Tunbridge Wells is...

That's not Kent.

Tunbridge Wells is

kind of...

It's basically the most conservative place.

in the universe.

You were considered a bit of a lefty when I was growing up if you only voted conservative once at each general election.

I was in a sauna.

I was in a sauna in Kent, near where I live in Kent.

And this is the level of just

Brexit mania.

It's way worse than you think, kids.

It's way worse.

I was in a sauna, and I got chatting to this old boy.

Now, he was in his 60s.

And

the most mental thing about this is he meant this as a genuinely welcoming, friendly.

This wasn't a snidey wide-up.

Yeah?

He meant this as a genuinely, we're all friends here.

I'll be chatting to somebody else, so he heard my Irish accent.

Then the person I was chatting to left, and then it was me and him.

Door closed, then it was just me and him in the steam room.

And he said, You must be delighted being Irish.

And I went,

Why is that?

He goes, Well, you know what I mean?

Now that we're out of Europe, you'll be next.

That's not the weird bit.

Let's put park all that history.

Now that we're out of Europe, you'll be next.

And once you're out of Europe, then you'll be free to rejoin us.

800 years of her

stopped us dreaming.

What are you talking about?

Huglers, here is an important announcement.

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Quip was called the best electric toothbrush by GQ and the Tesla of toothbrushes by Bloomberg.

Let's assume those were meant as compliments.

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That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com slash bugle.

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Well, Theresa May insists that the cabinet has agreed on what she's calling a collective position for the future of our negotiations on Brexit.

The collective position is the collective noun for the wide-legged stance a group of politicians assume when they all hate each other so hard they can't maintain core stability.

They have to pretend to be on the same side because it's literally their job definition.

I don't know.

It's going to be a joint institutional framework and the deal will end the automatic free movement of people into the UK from the EU but include a mobility framework allowing a lot of frameworks allowing easy movement for work or study.

A mobility framework sounds like the excessively expensive physio handrails you install in your grandparents' place

after Nana's broken a hip, where you're like, Of course, money isn't the issue, but also realistically, what's my value on this investment?

The relative risk of mortality in the elderly patient, the population increases 4% per year if you've had a hip reconstruction.

She's got five years left in her at best, four if she doesn't stop drinking Diet Coke.

what's in Diet Coke?

Because when you don't have one for somebody who drinks it, they get really angry,

like really upset.

It's mostly nicotine, I think, isn't it?

You tell me it's a drinkable cigarette.

You know, when people would stub out their cigarettes and leave them in a bottle

so that they don't ruin the environment, that's what it's tea made out of.

I don't know.

That's Diet Coke.

The smouldering end of the cigarette burns off all the sugar, doesn't it?

That's a bit of of science.

There's a lot of science in the show.

Chris, we need a sting.

Here we are.

This is the

unfeasible.

All 12 members of a boys' football team and their coach have been rescued after being trapped in a cave in Thailand for 18 days.

The Thai Navy SEALs, who've been running the operation, confirmed that they were all out, saying on their Facebook page, We are not sure if this is a miracle, a science, or what.

Mate, it was you, it was a seals.

You did the swimming, meme me, the rescuing bit, the whole thing.

But the important thing to remember about this story is that no matter how intense the jeopardy of a situation is, there will be people who try to freeload off the publicity wagon as it drives past topical news station.

FIFA has announced that rescued boys will not be able to attend the World Cup final on Sunday, as previously hoped, because they're all still stuck in hospital eating bland rice, which begs the question of whether there is a single world event that hasn't been infiltrated by FIFA.

Stop pretending you care about people, FIFA.

The only reason that Thailand still likes football is because they're the only

underdeveloped country you haven't fed over yet.

And the Office of Thailand's Prime Minister has thanked tech entrepreneur Elon Musk for his offers of help,

praising his offered mini submarine, saying it was not needed.

Musk praised the outstanding rescue team but questioned the expertise of the official who turned down his submarine.

So now we know for a fact that Elon Musk has secretly hoped for the miserable cave death of a shivering miner, just so he could have said, I told you so.

Which is Elon Musk's favourite phrase, apart from, what do you mean exposure isn't adequate recompense for creative labour?

I'm a multi-billionaire entrepreneur genius who's never heard the phrase copyright infringement.

Is it a miracle or a science?

I mean, it's great to see Musk involved in this, the patently non-existent, fictitious entrepreneur.

He's been on hand to not particularly help with more of his ridiculous sci-fi concoctions including as you said a miniature fun-sized submarine.

Like he offered it, they refused it, and he brought it anyway.

He's like sort of really high-tech pole gasky.

You know what I mean?

Elon Musk is there with a fishing rod and a six-pack of super.

What are you going to do, Muskie?

He also offered to install a magnetic levitation-powered Tide Child-ready hyperloop tunnel that would zoom the stricken children to safety at speeds of up to 750 miles an hour and which could have been completed as soon as the year 2036 had the rescue not now already been complete completed.

He also offered a teleportation device to dismantle the subterranean soccer teams and sell by sell and reconstruct them on Mars where they could be then more easily rescued by Musk's new belief-powered astro pulse,

the prototype of the intergalactic catapult which Musk aims to twang people between galaxies by the end of this decade.

And he also offered the use of his great glass elevator and/or tickets to his chocolate factory for women and children.

The rescue chief, Narong Sak Ossa Thanakorn, responded to Elon Musk's offer by saying, Even though the equipment is technologically sophisticated, it does not fit with our mission to go in the cave.

Let me translate that for anyone who doesn't speak fluent Thai.

It means

cough, you ludicrous made-up man.

I mean, that's like the huge, it's like a beautiful coordinated global effort and this kind of wall-to-wall news coverage is like it's quite heartwarming, but it's also got to be a kick of the, like, kind of a bit of a kick in the teeth for anyone who's ever been in a terrible situation and was quietly rescued by local services without even getting to be a little bit patronized by Elon Musk.

Anytime he talks about his Hyperloop, all I can hear in my head is monorail, monorail, monorail, monorail, monorail, monorail.

He's a charlatan.

He is, I don't know about you, but if anybody ever runs me over, that's what I want it to be.

I want another human to run me over.

I don't want to run over by a robot car.

I don't want that.

Call me a Luddite.

But I don't want to be run over by a robot car.

I'll run you over.

Thank you.

I thank you.

Amongst the.

The reaction to the rescued children has been very tightly controlled, but a few details are starting to leak out of what the children said when they were rescued, including England in the fing semi-final.

But how?

And David Davis resigned.

No!

Put me back in there!

The name of the man that ends his name ends in Korn.

Yep.

Could you say his name again?

Could I say his name again?

Narong Sak Osathanakorn.

Yeah.

He was on the news today

and

you could tell he would practice this in a mirror.

It's turned out it was mission possible.

He did genuinely say that.

You can imagine he was like, boom, you got it again, sack of corn.

I mean, what I want to say is.

Mission possible.

I repeat, mission possible.

What I want to know is there's like 12 teenage boys in the dark for an extended period of time.

I do not like where this is going, Alice.

I've seen your work before.

I'll leave it.

Your teacher takes you into into a cave.

Go wrong.

You know, I'm glad they're all out alive and we can joke about it.

Because previous to this, it wasn't a very funny one.

You know what I mean?

It's nowhere near as funny as the Chilean miners.

Yeah, that was some quality, wasn't it?

With their wives and mistresses waiting for them and the whole world knew.

It was like a Benny Hill disaster.

I mean, to do Andy credit, the run list he sent through said Thai rescue, open brackets, depending on latest news, closed brackets.

Gotta be flexible in this day and age.

Your Esther Ranson heart of gold is winging its way to you, Saltzman.

And Elon Musk is a f ⁇ ing high-tech charlatan.

At least he didn't invent Facebook.

He's a prick and all.

Is he?

He's a prick.

Come on, you're a billionaire.

Put a shirt on.

I hate seeing him in a t-shirt and flip-flops.

Oh, you sicken me.

Just a quick break from Tuesday's show now to alert you to some more forthcoming gigs.

I'm doing Satirist for Hire at the Soho Theatre from next Wednesday, that's the 18th of July, until Saturday the 21st.

Do send your satirical requests in to satirise this at satiristforhire.com and I will put out the highlights on the bugle at some point over the next few weeks during my summer holiday.

Also I'll be in Edinburgh doing the Edinburgh fringe from the 15th of August until the 26th at the Stand Comedy Club.

See you all there.

Back to Tuesday's show.

Animals News, Alice, you're our official correspondent for all animals.

Drunk seagulls, Andy.

Do you want to do drunk seagulls?

Well I mean just those two words really deserve more airing.

Oh, Chris has had a fun day.

A bunch of seagulls have been showing up at the RSPCA, drunk, apparently, having eaten the waste from breweries, and apparently, the RSPCA vans now smell like pubs.

This confirms, this is degenerate behavior on the part of the seagulls.

It confirms my belief that birds are just dinosaurs that have failed the promise of their genetic legacy.

Like the child of a life-saving cancer scientist that just wants to explore their untapped potential in the world of conceptual modern art.

Looked out, I've just stapled 40,000 condoms together and hung it off a bridge.

It looks like a deflated colostomy bag, but it's a commentary on Ariande Grande's recent too quick engagement to that dude with the big dick energy.

Big dick energy is actually the most

environmentally friendly form of energy you can get at the moment, even more so than wind power.

Wind power is really making leaps and bounds, particularly offshore.

But that said, I think we'd all choose big dick energy any day.

Shut the coal power down and just really start working our dicks.

In the words of Norman Tebbit in the early 1980s.

I mean, you know the things are bad in a country when even the seagulls are drinking to forget.

What, what?

And

it's fledgling season right now.

I live on a breezy coastal town.

It's quite horrific.

I've saved two fledglings in the last two weeks.

A baby crow.

And then last week I was going to the beach and I saved a baby sparrow.

They can fly only not good enough.

They're kind of getting there.

And then a big sea gust comes in and they all fall out of the trees.

It's weird.

And then I have to carry them around.

I carried a sparrow.

I wanted to get, it was roasting.

It was like 30 degrees, but instead I had to save a sparrow.

It was the weekend and I went to the vet and it was shut.

So there I am with Sammy the sparrow.

Oh man, this gig is producing so much wind power.

Better wind power than big dick energy.

It's cleaner.

I want to know what happened to the sparrow now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So with my other hand, I googled what do you do with fledgling sparrows?

Do you feed them?

Do you keep them?

Can you raise them?

What do you do?

What is the quality of the Wi-Fi signal like?

It said, stick them back into the nearest hedge they came from.

So I walked back down to the beach, absolutely roasting now.

Right, shouting at it, you should go straight back where you come from.

The nearest hedge.

Oh, he's a lovely little fella.

And I just put him into the hedge and off he popped.

Right.

It felt wonderful.

Really satisfying.

I suppose it's what it's like giving birth.

Do you know what I mean?

Now I know.

Now I'm completely on and equal to all mothers.

I know what it's like now, sisters.

And the crow.

The crow was in the middle of the road.

I screeched to a hulk.

I never thought, like, I assume, you know, birds, you know, they usually fly away, right?

This crow is just sullen in the middle of the road.

Brought him to the vet, but luckily it was a weekday.

The vet took him.

But didn't give me back my beach tail.

What, the crow or the vet?

Yeah.

I think the crow would have.

Right.

If he knew what was happening.

Dad, say, do you know what was wrong with the crow in the end?

Was it?

Again, it was a fledgling.

It was just blown out of a tree.

Right.

The reason why I mentioned this is yesterday I was on the way to the beach and a baby fledgling seagull fell out of a tree and I

come on, this is weird.

And I shouted at it and it went back into the bush.

This is how religions start, Andrew.

Well,

it's not just England's World Cup semi-final to go ahead to.

We've got Donald Trump on his way to London.

As we speak, the acting American president and self-styled vinegar pistol to the eyeballs of the world is

bringing his patented own brand of tantrum politics to Britain.

And the big bullshit banding division divisor is set to be welcomed with open arms, albeit that those arms will have middle fingers extended at the end of them.

Who's intending to go to the

Trump protest here?

Who's going on the pro-Trump protest?

And it's because there's going to be the inflatable Trump baby blimp

flown above London.

That's British welcoming tradition dating all the way back to when Henry II floated a helium-filled badger above the skies of Kent

in 1156.

And it is possible that the Queen could be set for the first time on an official

state occasion.

The first time since she met Romanian power bastard Nikki Ceaușescu in the 1970s, it could be the first time she's muttered the word under her breath

at an

official meeting.

I think Trump has big asshole energy, Andy.

Right.

I think it's the only way you can explain the constant sort of incoherent thing that he's all of the way that his sentences don't quite match up and they go off.

He's just trying to desperately distract people from the fact that he's constantly shitting himself.

Yes.

I mean,

the stop Trump Trump campaign, it's hard for us to vote Trump out in Britain.

And it's become even more so since the 1780s.

So I think actually the best way to get rid of him might be to give him a fawningly obsequious welcome.

He likes that.

Lure him in, and then just trap him on one of his own golf courses.

And that could

Scotland can take one for the team, I reckon.

Right, I think we are.

I did have some half-prepared puns on the 1966 World Cup team.

But no, no, they're not.

They'll keep Andy.

They'll keep.

I'm not going to.

I haven't finished them.

I'll do a couple of.

Anyway.

A mate who was

friends with all the 1966 World Cup winners.

Odd some of them, in fact, given that I didn't finish writing this.

But

he was very superstitious.

He was very superstitious.

He kept his money in locked vaults guarded by bronze sculptures of Medusa, the snake-headed mythological ancient Greek petrifier.

Yes, so he called them his Gorgon Banks.

I like the shame in your eyes when you say them.

Shame.

Is it really shame?

Anyway,

he came to me complaining one day that he'd been ripped off.

He said that his car had broken down.

And this guy had come to help him had

promised something to raise his car up so he could get underneath it.

And then a new device to put in the ignition and switch it on.

And my mate had given him 200 quid, but then he just gave him a cheap knockoff that didn't work.

And I said, well, he sounds like a real Jackie Charlatan.

Jackie Charlton?

No?

That's probably right.

Anyway.

Sorry, to calm himself down, he went for a walk on some rather sparse hills near where he lived that were strewn with these strange giant jelly-like deposits.

The blobby moor.

Oh, sorry.

Anyway, they had these special

lots of fences, but they had special places to climb over them.

Been very artistically designed, made out of these round chunks of wood that was supposed to be like the bishops from a chess set, but actually looked more like a man's, you know,

you know, thingy.

They were rather knobby styles.

I think that deserved a little bit more.

Just a little bit more.

But he had a collection of metal models of his favourite film stars, Houston Off, Sellers, Capoldi, but then he dropped them and they fell under the wheels of a passing lorry.

Oh no, he said.

My Tin Peters.

My Tin Peters.

Anyway, Tony, he was the first man ever to cook a meal for three different US presidents, the first to use yellowfin tuna and a venison casserole, and the first to run an entire professional kitchen without spoons.

That was a lot of sh chef firsts.

Chef firsts?

Anyway, and he liked to hide thesauruses in the trees in his local woods and then go out and find them and shoot them.

He called it a Roger hunt.

Tough crowd.

Don't look embarrassed, Andy.

You deliberately asked for this extra time.

Tough crowd.

Tough crowd.

This is now not extra time.

This is penalty.

But

he kept in touch with the managers from both sides, in fact.

And he had a German friend who was so traumatised by his country's defeat that, as a gesture of goodwill, my friend gave him a photo of the two managers shaking hands after the game in 1966.

Ah, that is very nice, his friend said.

I will put it on the wall.

Alframsey picture.

Al Framsey.

Alframsey picture.

But what he hadn't noticed was that the German manager actually had his flies undone.

Amid all the excitement, he'd just unzipped his flies during extra time out of just accidentally.

And the end of his plonker was clearly visible.

He had his helmet shown.

I mean, I'm not even sure you need to know that.

I think that was quite good.

I mean, that was technically.

I mean,

right.

I need to go away and think about what I've done.

But luckily, you didn't actually pay for that bit.

So

thank you very much for coming.

There are further live bugles in London later in the year at the Leicester Square Theatre.

If you're up in Edinburgh in August, we're all doing shows at the Edinburgh Festival.

You look surprised by that.

It's months away.

No, it's literally, well, I don't know, months, it's fractions of a month away, isn't it?

Three weeks away.

Three weeks away.

Or five weeks if you're me and only do one last bit.

One minstrel cycle if you've got a short one.

Oh,

I wish.

Well, this has been an interesting bugle.

Very different in many ways.

You've been a delightful crowd.

Thank you very much for coming.

Please show appreciation for our wonderful guests today.

Alice Fraser

and the magnificent Andrew Maxwell.

Give it up for Chris.

Clear spaces in your spare room for when football comes home after the third place playoff on Saturday.

See you next time.

Thank you for listening.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.