Bugle 4074 – Naked Hermit News

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4074 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World with me, Andy Zoltzmann.

You may well ask, could you say My Zoltzmann who was once a member of the Soviet Policio in the 1980s?

And I was filmed, no, that was the title of Vorotnikov, a completely different person.

Unlike Vorotnikov, I'm not dead, which is one of the many reasons I'm hosting this podcast.

Another is that my people aren't shelters.

And in other words, just a basic suggestion of poor problems and generations again.

Here we are.

I'm here in London, the city, where barely a day goes by these days without someone saying something about something or other.

And two people who are going to say things about things join me today.

Welcome back to the Bugle to Nish Kumar.

Hello, Nish.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Buglers.

Your people, Andy?

What?

Well.

Your people.

Can I just remind you of what just happened immediately before we started recording?

Andy's off to play cricket and he said and obviously afterwards I'll be popping off to the synagogue because he forgot that the Jewish Sabbath is on Saturday.

Why not?

It starts on Friday evening.

Does it start on Friday evening?

Come on, I'm not that far out the loop.

Changing the rules to suit your purposes, right?

How are you?

I'm very well, thanks.

Very well.

Been watching a lot of cricket.

Not surprising.

Which is good.

And also joining us for the first time.

It's a delight to welcome James Nikita.

Hello, James.

It's great to have you on the bugle.

Our first

representative on the bugle from New Zealand and the Pacific Ocean, essentially.

Yes, a small part of the world.

Yeah.

Very, very tiny area.

New Zealand and the Pacific is actually our official title.

That is, I mean, you are the representative.

So you're from...

Were you born in Samoa or born in New Zealand?

Born in New Zealand.

Right, but from Samoan.

You always tell me if I'm not pronouncing Samoan.

Sarah Samoan.

Sal Samoan.

There we go.

Although American

Samoans will tell you, oh, we're from American Samoa.

And then you go, oh, yeah, fat Samoa.

Do you speak Samoa?

And they're like, yeah, fat Samoa.

And they're like, what are you doing, man?

So you are the official, now, the official bugle representative for

about 46% of the world's surface area.

Oh, excellent.

Oh, well, hello, buglers.

Please send your questions.

I know all about all of the Pacific.

We are recording on Friday, the 29th of June, 2018, making exactly 11 years to the day since the launch of the very first iPhone,

presaging the return of hieroglyphics to human communication.

It's amazing to think that just 11 years, or in layman's terms, 2.75 Olympic cycles ago, human beings were still able to express their emotions in words rather than simply cartoon faces.

And on this day, 190 years ago, 1828, the teenage Charles Dickens wrote his first and as yet unpublished novel, I Hate Darren or Why Brenda is a Bitch.

And zero years since this day in 2018, when England's footballers were just 16 days away from beating Brazil 6-0 in the World Cup final.

That may be the biggest piece of bullshit you've ever said on this podcast.

And that is a big, big acclaim.

As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, an F occult section.

We look at

the new ethical occult movement,

trying to bring some much-needed morality to the art of the occult.

We look at vegan haruspacy.

Haruspex has traditionally relied on looking at the corpses and entrails of animals to tell the future.

But contemporary values reject the exploitation of the animal kingdom for the purposes of looking ahead to what is to come.

And science suggests that we're just as likely to get an accurate prognostication of the future by looking at the corpses of vegetables instead.

So we test out

in our ethical section a pair of the all-new vegan.

I really enjoy it when even you can't believe what's coming out of your mouth.

We test out a pair of the all-new vegan haru spectacles from VeggieCorp to look into the future by examining the rotting flesh of a dead aubergine or splatting a tomato on a bench and interpreting the pattern of the seeds or punching a watermelon and then orgogesticating the future based on the trickle parts of the juice down your arm.

We also review the latest range of vegan haru spices, the spice blends that you can put onto your smashed up aubergines and tomatoes to make them taste nicer when you eat the future.

And we review the Necromancy app.

That's spelled S-I-Exclamation mark at the end.

Of course, consensual communication with the spirits of the dead is all the raids these days, disturbing the afterlife.

Only of those who have consented while still alive to having their peace interfered with after they have transitioned to the other side.

According to polling, the majority of souls of the dead do not want to be bothered with queries from the realm of the living.

And the Necromancy app pairs you up with a willing communicorpse who is only too happy to pass judgments, wisdom and advice from beyond the grave.

May result in your late auntie Doreen banging on about her Arthur wasn't the man she thought he was

when they married after the war.

But rather than revealing eternal truths or predictions of the future, but better than enraging the ghosts of the peacefully past.

That section in the binge.

Top story this week.

Well, there's another anniversary, the anniversary of this exact day in 1927, when the Bird of Paradise, a Fokker Trimotor aeroplane, completed the first Trans-Pacific flight from mainland USA to Hawaii.

So not entirely Trans-Pacific, but trans enough of the Pacific to get an entry on Wikipedia.

And to mark this occasion, we have an entire Pacific news section.

James,

why don't you you kick this off as the Bugle representative for the Pacific Ocean and contents.

Bugle ambassador.

The bugle ambassador for the...

all right.

Coconut leaf plates are on the table as Samore

looks beyond single-use plastics.

This is the banning of plastic bags by Samore to make it more environmentally friendly.

They're looking to host the Pacific athletic games and they're hoping to make it a green Pacific Games by getting rid of all plastic.

I'm not sure they're really aware how much plastic is involved in athletic

tournaments.

We've gone with plastic bags first.

We're going to replace them with coconut leaf plates,

or as we refer to in Samoa, that thing we used to do

before.

Oh, that again is it.

No thing.

Hey, you're outnumbered on this one,

pipe down, colonizer.

Yeah, Kumar, that's Fijian.

And this is all we got.

Vanuatu have also done this.

A few countries are looking to ban plastics over there.

New Zealand's taking a different approach.

They're charging for plastic bags.

You can bring your own coconut leaf plate to the supermarket if you want.

But

you've still got to pay if you want to get the plastic bag because of the massive waste going on in the Pacific at the moment.

Which is a good approach to Samoon Prime Minister, who is, as we always say, a criminal and an assassin.

He's,

I can say that when I'm in London.

How successful an assassin is he?

Do you know, Sam Woon actually has more political assassinations than any other country.

Right, is that per capita or just as a total?

A big place.

Per capita, right.

I mean, if it is by actual number, we're doing very well.

What's the population's?

Population is about 175, 175,000.

So I mean, if you have more political assassinations than Russia, then you are doing extremely well.

A hell of a way to enforce that plastic bag ban.

But it's, yeah, the idea is that someone, if you assassinate a political opponent by getting a distant relative from another village to take them out.

That's not how we enforce the plastic bag ban.

But it's the main problem with the plastic bags is that they choke all of the

marine wildlife and the plants there.

The plants can't breathe, a lot of water-based plants there.

And also it looks really ugly.

So

you cut down on the tourism.

And the tourism, apart from marijuana, is the main economic

part.

Although they've just figured out that you can grow coffee in Samoa.

So we could also have a cocaine bust coming up.

Well, congratulations, Samoa.

Very impressive.

Sadly, Britain will not be following your lead as we are between series of Blue Planet.

We cannot act on anything environmentally unless David Attenborough tells us.

And so if it doesn't come up in the next series, I'm afraid the environment is shit out of luck and I mean David Attenborough is I mean with all due respect to the man no longer a young man

and whilst but he's keeping it tight Andy I mean he is keeping it impressive but he's over 90 isn't he he's yeah he's definitely over 90 he's in he's in the nervous 90s when he's near

he's yeah when that's

always a tough people yeah when the century beckons

do you give a bigger state funeral to him or the queen

I don't know.

I mean, they must be looking at

a joint thing, aren't they?

Are you suggesting that David Utterburg and the Queen are in a suicide pact?

Well, they did just do the tree thing together.

You'd be the perfect cover.

If England don't make the World Cup final, is that a Bugle exclusive act?

England's World Cup prospects

directly affect a suicide pact between David Utterbury and the Queen.

Is that what you, Abby Saltzman, are saying?

I can neither confirm nor deny that.

This is a mighty oak over here, and if England don't make the final, let's both string ourselves up towards.

All right, David.

But the point, I mean, basically, we've got the rest of David Attenborough's lifespan to cure the environment, because when he's gone, that's off the table, isn't it?

Well, unless we really accelerate our human cloning project,

we may just have to permanently clone an Attenborough.

Right.

Because otherwise, I mean, if he doesn't tell us to do stuff, we simply don't do it.

Is there no successor lined up?

Like a 60-year-old guy just in the wings, waiting to take over?

I genuinely can't think of anyone who people like in Britain as much as they like David Attenborough.

I honestly, off the top of my head.

Super generation, go for a younger Attenborough.

You'd probably just screw it up and have Jack Whitehall join.

Here's me and my dad, and then we're in Samoa.

It was, yeah, because it was him that

the last series of Blue Planet caused single-use straws to be banned here.

Well, I mean, they're just frowned upon now.

I mean, Nando's has banned them.

That's where I get most of my policy information from.

So what have you gone at?

Like, metal ones?

No, I think now people are making the long journey from their face to the cup.

Right, all right.

They're not just like slurping it out of puddles on the floor.

Just rolling up a 20 and trying to suck it out.

Okay, based on Nando's, no.

But as I say, I have very little window into the UK other than what's happening in Nando's.

The chief executive of the Samoan Ministry of Natural Resources and Environment, Ulu Bismarck Crawley.

Which has colonialism as a name.

Oh, Ulu Bismarck Crawley.

Also, I really feel sorry for I don't mind when people get places like London affixed to them, but Crawley, I don't know if you've been, James, but it is a fing shithole.

I grew up in Croydon, which is a shithole, and we would always be like, Well, at least we're not Crawley.

He's done well under German funder.

I mean, Bismarck.

That's Bismarck is pretty good.

He's good at

that.

He was there.

Bismarck.

I love you talking about Bismarck like he's a holding midfielder.

I've been watching too much football.

To be fair to Bismarck, he did a job.

He wasn't spectacular, but he was an important part of the 1867 German central midfield.

Crawley said that the issue is too large for us to sit by without taking any action.

Well, I mean,

clearly not been watching and learning from

us.

No.

Take a leaf out of your namesakes.

So sitting by and not taking action is the absolute best way to not deal with these problems.

Well, it's probably because Samura wasn't colonised very much by Britain.

It was mainly Germany and then New Zealand took over afterwards.

So they haven't actually had much in the way of British colonialism done on them.

It's been the Kiwi ones very.

Sounds like an opportunity waiting.

Well, this post-Brexit, we may be having to try and get our empire back.

Well, maybe.

We will be.

We'll add Samura to the applications list.

Here's a fact on plastics.

In the 1950s, about 2 million tons of plastic were made a year, and it's now 330 million tons.

Good lord.

And that is set to become a billion tons a year by 2050.

So those straws could make all the f ⁇ ing difference.

All the difference.

I mean,

is it not time to

put a positive spin on this?

And all these straws in the ocean are

these essentially a micro snorkel

for the lazy tortoise

that is that is a shane-warn mafia merilitheran level of spin that you've managed to put on that andy could we just get all the straws in the dolphin blow hole

how many

can we not do a like a superman 4 uh maneuver and just round all the plastic and shoot it at the sun this i mean seems like a very that seems like the sort of thing elon Musk would come up with if he wasn't busy inventing stupid f ⁇ ing flamethrowers that no one needs.

No, I mean that's very much how I deal with the world's looming environmental catastrophe, is just put on my let Elon Musk deal with it, wristband.

Just

wait for him to stop.

You say the flamethrower is stupid.

Thus adding more plastic waste to the world.

You say the flamethrower is stupid, but when you are in your Cadillac in space

and something's coming towards you.

I f ⁇ ing hate Elon Musk.

I know that's not the point of what we're trying to say here.

I f ⁇ ing hate hate him.

He's what would have happened if Tony Stark hadn't been bombed in the desert.

He's just a jackass.

In other Pacific news, a naked hermit,

if you're going to be a hermit.

Be a naked hermit.

Tackle out.

Yeah.

I never understood why in the film Castaway, Tom Hanks bothered with a loincloth.

What?

Because the volleyball saw it.

I didn't realise Wilson was such a prude.

I mean, I think you've got to go one of two ways.

You've either got to go full naked hermitry, as this Japanese gentleman, Masa Fumi Nagasaki, aged 82, has done for the last 30 years, or full three-piece business suit and tie.

There's no middle ground for me.

You either have to let it all hang out or make yourself feel like you mean business.

I'm never inviting you to a smart casual birthday party, Andy.

I have a terrible feeling it would be top half tucks and tails, bottom half, tackle out.

Or, alternatively, full suit of armour.

Just so when you're rescued from the desert island, there will be a very awkward pause.

Mr.

Nagasaki had lived for nearly 30 years on the remote island of Sotobanari, 230 kilometers east of Taiwan, but then fell ill and has now been told that he cannot go back to his

joyously naked hermit's paradise,

which is

seems a bit of a shame.

It does, doesn't it?

Leave him out there.

Also, I mean, I know he's not well, but I saw a photo of the guy.

He's keeping it tight.

For an 82.

I think I want to fing the naked hermit.

I like a naked hermit.

It's just not a sentence that

really anyone wants a damn thing.

These are the times we live in.

He's keeping it tight.

He makes Attenborough look like an absolute argo.

Wait, does that mean before you saw the naked hermit, you were considering f ⁇ ing David Attenborough?

It's on my to-do list.

This show has taken it.

Turkey was not intending you to take it.

The weird thing is, why not let him go back?

Because if you were going to die,

for years people were talking, oh, paradise.

When you die, you go to heaven.

Surely heaven is a small tropical Pacific island where you walk around naked.

Just let him go out.

Also, he's repeatedly said that he wants to die alone on the island.

Like he's found a kind of peace.

So I don't understand why they're sort of...

why must they interfere with that desire and also he's a very good kind of human

you know kind of test tube experiment for for Brexit which is essentially he's a one man he wants to die alone on an island very much like with his dick out

I think I think if you guys and Brennan all got your dicks out and just didn't put clothes on the Brexit would come a lot quicker

easier for you maybe that maybe that's the deal we just send Boris Johnson over there and go, meet our terms.

The EU goes, no.

And then Boris Johnson gets his cock and balls out.

And they're like, we will give you Spain.

I think you would get about halfway down the zip before some kind of code might happen to him.

But also, I think the other thing that we've got to factor in, because I was reading this story thinking, why are they sitting about...

The thing is, if you're 82 years old in this country, people might say things like, look, he's had a great life.

Let him go out the way he chooses to.

But obviously, this is Japan we're talking about.

So 82 in Japan is basically English 40.

So they're looking at this guy being like, mate, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

You're 82.

You're a spring chicken.

I like how he goes for a weekly shop.

I don't know if you're aware.

His family served him some money and he chucks on a suit and goes like, that's going to be the bad.

That's cheating, isn't it?

How's it going, mate?

Still naked on the island?

Yeah.

I have some coconut water.

Thanks.

Not ironically.

That is the mother of all online shops.

Having to fly a drone over with some cabbages in a bag.

Surely you go yourself.

Surely you've got it.

Leave the drone.

He said something quite moving.

He said, in civilization, people treated me like an idiot and made me feel like one.

On this island, I don't feel like that.

Here I follow nature's rules.

And that is wonderful poetic stuff.

And I think, but I mean, if everybody lived like that, it would be a terrible state of affairs.

If every time everyone was made to feel like an idiot, they just absconded from civilization and sat on an island.

That island would be full of naked idiots.

I mean, also, we don't know what the fruit beds are thinking.

But they could be flying around and going, look at this idiot on the island.

Put some clothes on your dick.

Well, we have an exclusive bugle competition.

You could win a 30-year stint alone on an island in the Pacific in the buff if you can answer the following question correctly.

Which medieval European king was renowned for his unilateral displays of nudity?

Was it A, Alfonso the Clothesless, B, Bolislav the nude?

C.

Ivan the Wobbly, or D.

Louis Louis the Unignorably Tumescent.

Send your answers into hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

Unignorably tumescent was your wrestling name, wasn't it?

The incontrovertible bonus.

That was my rap name.

Got that big dick energy.

Prime Ministerial baby news now and Jacinda Arden, the Prime Minister of the All Blacks, sorry, New Zealand, has

never gotten to say that has had a baby, the second elected leader ever confirmed to have given birth whilst in office after Benezir Bhutto, who popped one out in 1990 when Prime Minister of Pakistan.

Rumours do persist that Margaret Thatcher gave birth to some form of alien life during a cabinet meeting in 1980, but she might just have got really cross about the trade deficit.

The diaries of her political contemporaries are somewhat split on the matter.

Whilst

American President Ulysses S.

Grant never had a baby, but Yvonne Gulagon-Cauley did have a baby, but despite winning Wimbledon in both 1971 and 1980, he was never an elected leader, along with many other women who have also given birth.

So there's a bit of background on it.

Now,

it's quite an interesting story, this,

on a number of levels.

I mean, it's been kind of hailed as you know kind of a display of the modern tolerance and open nation that New Zealand is but also she became

embryonized.

Is that the right word?

Yeah.

As a father of two you are the most qualified to know that word.

It's the only part of my body that functions.

Around she became pregnant around the time that she was forming

her coalition just after last year's election, which does rather suggest,

James, that's that I mean it reveals a bit about New Zealand politics.

That here she was thinking to herself, oh, it looks like I'm going to become Prime Minister of New Zealand.

I really, really need something to fill my day.

Well, actually,

it's probably the time that we came clean as a country.

Their father, Clark Gayford, is not actually the father.

New Zealand is the father.

Oh, right, okay.

The collective energy of the election

impregnated our Prime Minister.

Right, it's a democracy amazing.

Well, you know, New Zealand, we always like to be pushing the envelope

on civil rights

and

all-black maneuvers.

But

it's interesting because she actually was being criticised for withholding the information from everyone but the coalition

person, the current Prime Minister, Winston Peters, who is, for our buglers who don't know New Zealand politics, is a bottle of whiskey that came to life in the late 1970s to get re-elected for jokes and racial rhetoric.

And so she's been criticised for letting him know that she was pregnant and therefore insinuating that he only made a coalition with her knowing that he would become active prime minister when she went on parental leave.

She's on parental leave for six weeks.

It's paid leave for our American

listeners.

Well, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, James.

For American listeners, paid leave is when you're allowed to be off work and you get money.

You have to explain the concept concept of paid work.

Democracy is when you allow.

And her partner was not her husband because a lot of people would have been going, oh, her husband.

No, they're not married.

And that's freaking people out.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

And

he's on paid leave for a couple of weeks as well.

And then he'll be a stay-at-home dad.

He used to run a fishing show

called Catch of the Day.

All of this is absolutely typical of New Zealand.

I think the really heartwarming thing about this story is it's so on bread.

So on Brad for New Zealand.

I'm a Jacinda maniac.

I love her.

It's because she is, to my knowledge, the only world leader to have attended one of my stand-up comedy shows.

Apart from that time with Kim Jong-un, but that was a corporate, and it was a booking I'd rather not talk about, and I can't talk about because of a pending case of the MI6.

But apart from that, Jacinda Radha, when she was a Labour candidate, I believe, attended one of my comedy shows at the New Zealand Comedy Festival.

Turned her into Prime Ministerial Prime Material, basically.

You cannot prove otherwise.

I am responsible for Jacinda Mania.

People have noticed she's very funny, so maybe she was there.

She's been inspired by me.

I met her afterwards.

She seemed like a very nice lady.

I did a gig many years ago that Jeremy Corbyn came to.

Really?

It was a fundraising gig up in North London, and he sat stony faced throughout my entire set.

And question,

Andy, is he Prime Minister?

He's not.

He's not Prime Minister.

He's accused of being anti-Semitic quite a lot though, isn't he?

He is, and this was at a Jewish charity game.

Interesting, interesting.

It's very rare to have a democratically elected baby.

Chosen, of course, on a minority vote by the New Zealand electorate.

The rest of the vote was split.

Some wanted Jacinda to just get a puppy.

And around 10% voted for her and Clark to wait a while, move to a bigger house before they had their first child.

But you know, the democracy won out.

The early indications, however, James, are that the baby is not as high quality as the recent unelected monarchy infused royal baby bebirthed by her royal mumminess Princess Duchess Kate out of Wills and Kate who sprogged out on April for a third consecutive time in the Royal Fecundra units in the Royal Britannica wing at St Heredita's Hospital London.

Three consecutive certified princes or princesses

for Kate.

That means she qualifies for a new golden womb.

Does she get the bonus?

The third one.

Did you get a bonus on the third one?

So, I mean, they are still waiting confirmation that Prince Louis does test positive for princeishness.

That's expected to be a formality.

But

I mean,

the New Zealand power tot may have the force of the public will behind it, but it's not allowed to wear a crown, which makes it a less good baby.

Whilst Prince Louis's infant tears can cure anything from facial wrinkling to early onset republicanism.

And the Royal Nipper, unlike regular human babies, pukes and shits only when God intends it to, whilst Jacinda Arden, who is sadly mortal, is going to be cleaning Chandra off her suits for the next year.

I'm not sure she is mortal.

I'll be honest, mate.

I was touring New Zealand last year after the election, after the election, after Edinburgh, before the election, and it was like following the Messiah.

I was going around, I was like, in town halls, and like people go, oh, well, you know, who was here last week.

I said, is that Jacinda?

She was in last week, mate.

No,

people go, oh, Yacinda was here.

Yacinda has come.

I was like, what the hell is going on?

You met her, presumably, James.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got a cell phone number, mate.

That's New Zealand.

That's you, Zilla.

New Zealand.

I flick her a text after this.

Hey, we're just talking about you on the piano, mate.

If you've got a problem, I could just find the Prime Minister, bro.

Yeah, me, Tyka YTT,

Cinderella,

Sam Neal's probably in there.

Lord.

That's the new backline for the All Blacks in case you're wondering.

My ex-blackmate and current comedian Rose Matafeo is playing fly-hoff.

Very talented.

Very talented.

Do you guys, have you ever heard of Rob Muldoon?

New Zealand Prime Minister during the Thatcher years.

Well, actually, the

late 70s through the early 80s.

I thought that was Buck Shelford, was it?

No, no, he was in the late 80s.

He's the guy he got a testicle ripped out during a rugby game, went to the side, chucked it in a jar, kept on playing.

Legend.

Let me rephrase, that's the most New Zealand thing I've ever had.

He didn't quite chuck chuck it in a jar, did he?

I mean, it's a nice touch.

Yeah.

Well, let's go with a chucking it in a jar.

He's chucking it in a jar.

He fed it to an actual kiwi bird.

He planted it, and a mighty totora grew from.

He's checking it now.

You're fact checking it.

We chuck it in a jar.

What are you googling, Zaltzman?

Is it the phrase, did the New Zealand Prime Minister chuck his bollock in a tip?

No, no, Rob Maltoon wasn't that.

Rob Maldoon called a snap election and lost.

But that's not the important part.

The important part is he caught it on national TV while drunk.

And the New Zealand public went, oh yep, this seems legit.

We'll go along with this.

So when you say that a baby could become a prime minister and be very good at it, there's a little bit of precedence to the New Zealand public kind of going along with that.

To round off our Pacific section this week, here now are the official Bugle Pacific Facts.

The Pacific Ocean is full of water.

It is renowned as being one of the wateriest places ever seen.

It makes even a renowned sea such as the Mediterranean look like a puddle of anonymously delivered piss under a chair in a nursing home.

Many creatures live in the Pacific Ocean, although they don't always get on.

In fact, an estimated 4.3 million interspecies murders are committed in the Pacific every second.

If you poured all the water in the Pacific Ocean into double-decker London buses and laid those double-decker buses end to end, you would have the longest, wettest traffic jam in history, stretching approximately 6.35 quadrillion kilometres.

If the bus at the back got annoyed and flashed its lights, the bus at the front would not see that light flashing for around about 672 years, give or take, by which time all the buses would have been ruined, corroded by the salty Pacific water, with barely even a trace of these skeletal remains of the drivers and passengers.

If you then took all the buses to a bus repair depot, which had a maximum capacity of 15 buses under repair at a time, and refurbished the ruined interiors, repainted the rusting bodywork and fitted the buses with new, more environmentally friendly engines, taking an estimated two months per batch of 15 buses.

The heat death of the universe would interrupt your repair schedule, with over 99.8% of the buses still.

I think I got a bit confused.

If you fitted a plug hole at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean and then pulled it out to let all the water drain out and to try to find something you dropped in the sea somewhere near Hawaii or something, you'd still be waiting after a billion years.

And that's assuming that the plug hole was unusually big to start with and didn't get clogged up with a media airheart's aeroplane.

In 1521,

elite level exploration celeb Ferdinand Magellan successfully sailed across the Pacific Ocean.

Well done him.

Terrific effort from the lad, but he was disqualified from becoming the first man to circumnavigate the globe when he copped a bit of non-voluntary death in a skirmish in what is now the Philippines.

But even if Magellan had survived, he'd be dead by now anyway, so it doesn't fucking matter.

There we go.

That's all the Pacific facts we need.

A lot of research went into that.

I actually did quite a lot of the maths for that.

That was

confused.

There's a lot of naughts flying around.

Where do you have time to parent your children?

They're the researchers.

It's homework.

Right, maths, kids.

UK news now, and the UK is running out of carbon dioxide.

This is terrible news, Andy.

The factories that produce the gas are running out.

And so, I mean, which doesn't sound necessarily like bad news, but let me tell you, this is how CNBC reported it.

A shortfall of CO2 in Europe is an ill-timed crisis.

And that is not hyperbole, Andy, because we need CO2 for barbecues and to put the fizz in our beer.

And if we cannot overcook meat in the summer and drink health-endangering amounts of shit lager, then what are we as a nation?

This could not have come at a worse time.

During the World Cup as well.

What if England get to the final and ultimately lose on penalties?

How will people get drunk and attack trams?

That is not, that is genuinely something that happened in Croydon when England went out of the 2002 World Cup.

People got drunk and fought a tram.

Right.

And

we have had the gall to criticise New Zealand as not being a real country.

I mean, it is a huge, a huge worry.

And, well, buglers, particularly British buglers, if you're listening, please do send in your spare carbon dioxide whilst listening to the bugles.

Fit to your mouth and nose area with a special filter to siphon off all the CO2.

And then take it down your local supermarket or pub for them to use on their beer.

Breathe more and breathe faster.

Do your bit.

And more importantly, if you see any plant, kill it.

These

de facto prohibition-supporting carbon dioxide thieves sit there expecting the world to move around them.

And are quite happy to see beer-starved Brits lying in crumbled heaps outside bars and nightclubs, muttering, how can I possibly converse without alcohol?

Theresa May has also had a difficult week,

and you can just copy and paste that for all of the weeks in the last sort of 18 months for her.

She said this morning that she wants to see the Brexit talks accelerate and intensify, which is a bit like someone standing in front of a bus and shouting at the bus to hurry the f ⁇ up.

Yes.

I mean, when you think of other things that have accelerated and intensified, Thelma and Louise's car something.

The perfect, the perfect Brexit metaphor.

And yesterday she was caught up in an unfortunate PR gaff

because Charles Michel, the Belgian Prime Minister, presented Theresa May with a Belgian football team top.

ahead of yesterday evening's England versus Belgian World Cup game.

And then she held up the strip, and this is from the Guardian report, before realising that doing so might be considered a PR gaff.

She attempted to swiftly snatch it away, only for fellow leaders gathered around her to point to the TV monitors showing her reaction live.

And at this point, we have to ask the question: can she do anything?

Is she capable or aware of anything that is going on around her?

I feel it is a wonderful metaphor for Brexit, though, because she held it up.

Yeah.

She realised what she was doing, she snatched it away, and then Europe laughed at her.

Or

a better Brexit metaphor would have been for her to hold it up, realise it was a mistake, and then just keep on holding up anyway, as Europe laughed at her.

Apparently,

she's not a huge football fan.

She's more, and this is terrible news for all of us, Andy, she's more of a cricket fan.

She is a big cricket fan, yeah.

I mean, imagine how desperate things would be if she did not have the civilising influence of cricket in her life.

Do you know this?

She's expressed, you know who her favourite batsman is?

I do.

Jeffrey Boycott.

Of course, Theresa May's favourite batsman is Jeffrey Jeffrey Boycott.

Now, for our American listeners who are not aware of the works of Geoffrey Boycott,

with whom I commentated on the radio for a day last year,

he was a defensive batsman.

I think it's not going out on a limb to say that for our non-cricket fan listeners.

He essentially played cricket as if trying to eradicate the entire concept of hope from the UK.

But, you know, he did an effective job for England for many years.

That's more like a narcoleptic, really.

Yeah, yeah.

With a bass.

We're translating it into American sporting terms.

He's the American football equivalent of a player who just spends the whole game sat on the ball.

He's for our American listeners, he's basically everything you hate about cricket

in one person.

Yes, every day.

Imagine if LeBron James sat in the basket the entire game.

It's that.

It's that for five days.

World Cup news now and uh well it's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming!

Well, I mean it we have seen one of the greatest uh greatest days in English football history.

Uh heroic performance, a result no one could quite believe.

Unprecedented in the living memory of England's national game, Germany 0, South Korea 2.

It's coming home!

Germany, amazing World Cup record.

They've been semi-finalists in 12 of the last 16 World Cups.

Nish, do you know the last time Germany did not reach the last eight of a World Cup?

I do.

1938.

And they didn't take that well.

So let's hope times have changed.

I like how we're all joking about that date.

But we're also not really joking about that day.

We're all slightly concerned.

England, meanwhile, just last night, roared to a brilliant 1-0 defeat by Colton,

leaving us to be only Colombia in the next round and then Sweden or Switzerland.

Not just an easier route to our glorious destiny in the first of between five and ten consecutive World Cup wins, but also cleverly avoiding matches against teams with which our tabloid press can dig up and trivialise and debase historic conflicts.

We're going to have to really go something to find much

to get childish about with Colombia.

But before England's brilliant 1-0 defeat to Belgium,

we'd hammered Panama 6-1.

I mean, take that, you canal-waggling, isthmus-hogging, hat-obsessive, cigar-chomping bastards.

You have that coming, you ocean-straddling losers.

Payback for being the location of the ill-fated Darien scheme in the 1690s that led to the near bankruptcy of Scotland, prompting the Act of Union in 1707 that formed the United Kingdom, which of course recently voted for Brexit.

It's all your fault, Panama.

Vengeance is a dish best served cold and unrelatedly.

Now, go home and buy another vowel and think for a name for your capital city, your canal, or your hat that isn't just the same name as your country.

Egalid, eggalid, eggalin.

There has been a lot of talk about how a lot of the team no real team has stated, has kind of put down a kind of marker of a performance.

There are teams that have played well.

But all I will say is Russia are doing well.

And that's where I'll leave it.

Russia are doing well.

The World Cup is in Russia.

Russia are doing well.

That's all I'm saying.

Russia are doing well.

Say no more.

The World Cup is in Russia Russia and Russia are doing well.

It's Nishkuma.

Niskuma Sena.

Well, as discussed, Germany did suffer probably one of the most the biggest failures in their footballing history.

And biggest failure in Russia?

Biggest failure in Russia all the time.

I mean, they've got a, I guess, a bit of a shepherd record in that part of the world.

Imagine if they've been playing in Leving Guard.

Once again, we are very delighted to have access to the commentary from our colleagues on Deutschen Television Schweinschweister,

who we

partnered with in 2014, the German national TV channel.

And here are the closing moments, as described once again by the commentary team of the former German internationals, Torsten von Schnautz and Manfred Wittelschnitz.

Winnenichten

Abesist Welkappe having been

seconds left in the match and then win the food

well

Thanks to our German colleagues colleagues for.

Jesus.

Bit of revenge, Andy.

I love my job.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle.

A couple of gigs to alert you to.

Next week, Saturist for Hire World Cup special at the Underbelly, featuring me and Nish.

And there's a live bugle on the 10th of July as well, also at the Underbelly.

And

live bugles in Edinburgh, the 5th and 22nd of August.

All other live bugle dates are on the internet.

James, you're going to be in Edinburgh?

Yeah, I'll be in Edinburgh at the stands doing my show on sports and politics called Talk a Big Game.

That sounds my kind of show.

Yeah.

Right, up Zaltzman's Alley.

Nish.

Yeah, I'm in Edinburgh, 4.30 at the Monkey Barrel.

Tickets are surprisingly going quickly for that one.

So do book for that.

And then I'm touring in the UK.

Tickets are wildly available.

Wildly available.

If you know like 300 people who live in Darlington, yeah, send them my way.

Crawley selling well?

I'm actually not going back to Crawley.

That sounds like some kind of horrific euphemism.

Heard about him.

He's not going back to Crawley.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

Thanks, James, for a terrific bugle debut.

Nice to see you again, Nish.

And you haven't even been globetrotting since the last time you're on.

You usually had some story about.

I've been in LA and New York.

Oh, right.

Okay, you have.

I've been in America.

Yeah.

I got a warning from the New York Police Department, which maybe I'll talk about next time.

I'm on here.

I've never had a warning from the New York Police Department.

I've had a warning from the New York Police Department.

What's the possible difference?

I've generally had one too.

That's no thing.

I don't know what.

There's many ways we're quite simple.

I don't know what.

I don't think all of us ever had a warning.

Anyway, Buglers, thank you for listening.

Until next time, goodbye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.