Bugle 4071 – Whale of a Time

Here it is live and in three dimensions

The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world please welcome Andy Zaltbert

Hello

Thank you

Hello buglers

Thank you for coming

Thank you and welcome welcome to the bugle live.

How are you all?

Good.

I do hope you are more specific than that when you go to see the doctor.

How are you feeling?

Boo!

And welcome to...

We've got quite a dim screen here, Chris.

I don't control lights.

You do?

Well, you f ⁇ ing should, mate.

So

this is the new

high-tech bugle.

We are...

This is the future.

A big, big, barely visible screen.

This is doubling up as issue 4071 of the Bugle, the World's Leading and Only audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

And in in this week's edition, we will be looking at whether Britain's economy post-Brexit will be funded by selling Prince William's excess royal children on the dark web.

At a current estimated value of $170 billion per certified prince and up to $500 billion for a good quality princess, can Britain really afford to spurn the one part of its manufacturing sector that is currently actually fing working?

And we ask the question in the light of Brexit, is reducing politics to oversimplified binary decisions right or wrong?

This is Tuesday, the 5th of June.

You have just cheered the anniversary of the following historic events.

In the year 754, we saw the brutal slaying of Saint Bonnyface.

There he is, one of the 8th century's top celebrity saints, now viewed as a key figure in the entire concept of Europe as a single entity.

And you cheered his assassination, you fing monsters.

You also cheered the death of Lord Kitchener in 1916.

The Kitchener at the time was, of course, reigning British finger-pointer of the year.

Also, you cheered the 50th anniversary of the shooting of Bobby Kennedy.

You feel f ⁇ ing delighted about that.

Evidently, you think he deserved to die.

And you cheered the 21st anniversary of the beginning of a brutal civil war in the Republic of Congo.

So you people are f ⁇ ing monstrous.

Also, the anniversary of the day in 1956 when Elvis Presley sang Hound Dog on the Milton Burle Show and scandalized the audience with his suggestive hip movements.

Critical, there it is.

Look how suggestive that is.

I don't know what is that that's suggestive of a man who's maybe interested in attempting slalom skiing as a hobby.

But 62 years on now, what would Elvis have to do to scandalize a modern TV audience brought up in the internet age?

Well, I've done some scientific research onto this.

And to have the same scandalisation effect today, Elvis would have to suggestively murder Milton Burle live on air with a flamethrowing chainsaw whilst having sex with a donkey dressed as the Pope.

And even then, people would probably respond, nah, it's a bit hackneyed.

Just basic talent show guff.

And on this day in 1975, the UK held its first countrywide referendum on the membership of the European Economic Community.

Happy times.

That was June 1975, when I was aged eight months.

And in fact, my parents thought it would be interesting to record what I had to say about it at the time.

And here is the actual recording of me speaking as a baby about Britain's vote to join the EEC.

I'll do a translation for you.

Whilst this is clearly a landmark in the post-war history of both Britain as a nation and Europe as a continent, and a critical further step towards ensuring the violence of the past can never occur, my fear is that any cooperative European project involving many nations must know where to set its limits, regardless of the economic and social benefits it may bring.

From a British perspective, I fear that the hostility of our political system and an increasing confusion about issues of national identity in a rapidly changing world may provoke dissatisfaction with Europe, resulting ultimately in Britain leaving the European project in approximately 40 to 45 years time.

But no matter, by then we'll have full military control of South America.

So

pretty close.

So

now as always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight.

It's going where?

Correct.

You are very well well trained.

In the bin, this week we have a Bugle weekly World Cup supplements.

Are you excited about the World Cup?

Who here is from a country that has no team in the World Cup?

Where are you from?

USA.

USA?

If you're wondering, how are you going to choose which team to support?

England.

Well, no, it shouldn't just be as blind as that.

You're a democracy-loving nation.

You should support the most democratic country in the World Cup, which according to the World Democracy Index, is currently Iceland, who are ranked number two in the democracy rankings.

The opening match pits Russia, who are 135th out of the 167 nations in the list, versus Saudi Arabia.

159th equal, which I think might be the least democratic World Cup match in the history of the tournament, at least since the Soviet Union took on North Korea in the group state of 1966, of course.

But Group A, which features the hosts and the Saudis, is the least democratic group, if you're looking for a group to be disgusted by on a moral level.

They average 111th in the World Democracy Index, the 14th, and that's even with Uruguay, the independent republic of 10 Man Uruguay, as football fans know it.

They are the 18th most democratic nation in the world, dragging the others up.

And that is 49% more undemocratic than the next most least democratic group in the World Cup, which is Group B, which raises the intriguing possibility of an Iran 150th versus Saudi Arabia 159th.

Second round match.

I love a stat.

And on the good side, from England's point of view, we are a democracy-loving nation as well.

And what greater motivation could our boys need to overcome our recent disappointing tournament record than the fact that they know that the other three teams in Group G are way less democratic than we are?

And we have a moral right for humanity to win those games.

The UK, or as it's known by large sections of the English media, England,

is

14th in the democracy rankings.

The bloody Scots and the Welsh and the Northern Irish dragging us down with an addiction to totalitarian despots, otherwise we'd be top.

But

we actually cannot face a less democratic nation than ourselves until a potential quarter-final against Germany, at which point we might have to delve back into the historic rankings.

Are you ready to meet our guests for today's show?

Good.

That could have been very awkward if you'd responded no.

We have one from each of the the world's two leading hemispheres for you today.

First of all, from the south, it's the woman who flamingos fear to shit on,

I think.

Alice Fraser!

When she walks, she moves so fine,

like a plumma.

Hello, Andy, hello, buglers, how are you?

Alice, how's have you, when you were on the bugle bugle on Friday?

You were suffering grievously from an attack of Welsh bed bugs.

Yes.

Have you had your vengeance on them?

Has it been swift and deadly?

I spent the last few nights trying to rip my own skin off, but now I'm much better.

Thank you.

That is just the standard thing to do in Britain with less than a year to go before Brexit.

So you're blending in seamlessly with the locals.

And also joining us from the Northern Hemisphere, in fact, from this very nation itself.

It's Tiffany Stevenson.

Welcome, Tiff.

I mean, I'm not annoyed about that image, to be fair.

Support for the bugle is brought to you by Simply Safe, home security done right.

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That is simplysafe.com slash bugle.

Time now for top story this week.

And today, ladies and gentlemen, is World Environment Day.

Who has celebrated World Environment Day today?

Four of you.

The rest of you very much mirroring the world's general attitude towards the environment, which is studious ignoration.

Andy, what I want to know is when's World Greedy Pollution Day?

I think that is from the 6th of June until the 4th of June

next year.

Who here

came here in any form of transport?

You just don't care, do you?

You just don't care.

I walked here eating a lettuce.

That's all I can do.

Also, I left my fridge door open for 35 minutes this afternoon to help counteract global warming.

and I walked to and from my local petrol station and carried my petrol home in a special bucket.

We all have to make sacrifices and this is World Environment Day today and the world has been celebrating by instantly coming to its senses about the need to fix everything.

So that's good.

And well like it or not.

Are you environment fans?

Some of you are, the rest of you thinking no one in the environment has had its chance

and it has very much blown it, has proved it can no longer hack it as a top-level ecosystem.

And we're better off without it and just going our separate ways and trying to remember the good times that we had with the environment.

I remember this

one day a few years ago.

It was

really sunny, but not too hot.

But there is a grave concern with regards to the environment.

A report has come out that has suggested that falling prices for renewable energies and a global rush to invest in low-carbon technologies could spark a global financial crisis because, according to a new study, and who else thinks that people studying things is responsible for 95% of the world's problems?

If you don't study it, you don't know about it, no one gives a shit.

That's the path to a happy life.

According to this new study, fossil fuel companies could be left with trillions of dollars of obsolete assets, plunging the global economy into global economic disaster.

We need to really think about this very real possibility that the cost of environmentalism will be incredibly damaging to rich people's yachts.

You know, your insatiable demand for cheap, clean energy is having the horrifying side effect of making some bankers feel very economically anxious.

Professor George Binwalis, the co-author of the study, said, contrary to investor expectations, the stranding of fossil fuel assets may happen even now.

Without new climate policies, individual nations cannot avoid the situation.

But Mercure has warned that even though this transition is going to happen,

we have not, even if it happens, we're still not going to stave off the worst effects of climate change, which is good, because then we get to not have our cake and also choke on it.

Mercure, that's the hotel chain, yeah?

Sure.

How do you celebrate Environment Day?

You get trashed.

Very good.

Thank you.

First part.

Can't believe it was me.

Cannot believe it.

Normally hate it.

Makes me feel ill.

It's going to be long.

So fundamentally,

if this global economic disaster caused by renewable energies does happen, it will lead to a drastic loss of funding for environmental research.

and wildlife charities and the like.

So the only way to save the environment now is to support our beleaguered fossil fuel giants.

So I would encourage you all to support Fuel Aid

and

do everything you can for the likes of Exxon, BP, Shell, because if they go, we are going down with them.

Everyone can just be very, very naughty, so Santa has to stock up on coal.

It's good thinking.

But no one ever sees the lateral sides of these things.

Do you kid yourself on it though?

Every time I take a Ryanair flight, I kid myself on making diamonds from my carbon footprints.

Like, you do the masks in your head, don't you?

So, what they're saying is there's going to be a drop in fossil fuels, irrespective of whether or not new policies are put in place, or even if we adhere to old ones.

So, it doesn't matter that Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris Agreement, it does matter that his dad didn't pull out of his mum.

Yeah, I mean, how different would history?

Anyway, let's not talk.

Oh, it's like sliding doors.

Well, Trump, in fact,

he's been doing his bit for air pollution in America, Tiff, as our American air pollution correspondent.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so there's a story, there's a great story about this that he's been sort of reforming the policies,

quietly revamping the rules for air pollution, Trump's EPA.

So Trump's busily going around telling everyone air pollution doesn't exist while simultaneously sucking all of the oxygen out of the room.

I think is a pretty fair description.

But they're saying it's damaging.

I think they're doing it over a series of policies, you know, like small incremental changes.

You know, you know, the sort of thing that happens when you're in a relationship, you know, small incremental changes, and then 10 years later, you're like, who the f do I live with?

Those sort of

he's in tonight, so he'll appreciate that, Joe.

I mean,

did you not just recently get engaged?

I did, I did, I got engaged on Christmas Day, actually.

So, yeah.

Oh,

He'll be excited when he finds out as well.

Maybe don't put that line in your wedding speech.

It's time now for our environmental pin-up species of the week.

And whales have had an exciting week recently, so we have a special whales section for you now.

Hello, Beluga!

Oh, God.

This week, a whale sadly died in Thailand, and it was found that the whale had eaten 80 plastic bags, which, I mean, it seems like that starts to look like a habit, doesn't it?

That starts to look like, you know, just the guilty treat

after a hard day's whalery.

Just one more waffer-thin plastic bag.

I don't know why everyone's so impressed.

I could eat at least 100 plastic bags.

And most people that have plastic bags in their stomachs off the coast of Thailand are smuggling drugs.

I'm not going to be impressed by this whale until I hear that it was carrying at least a thousand kilos of hard drugs.

I said hard drugs because I couldn't think of any drugs.

I'm cool.

The whale died after a five-day battle against physics, biology, and various other bits of science.

And this is very definitely one of those occasions when you can definitively not say it's the way you would have wanted to go.

Unless that whale was recorded to have said to its mummy as a child, Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be a metaphor.

I just wanted to be a simile when I grew up.

You know what that's like.

Foul joke, and a miss.

But so, what can we do about it?

Are you plastic fans?

Yeah, I mean, it's it's it's you know, it's unquestionably got its good points and its bad points.

But maybe we need to do more to change our behavior when it comes to plastics, because there have been various schemes to stop us using so many plastic bags in this country.

Basically, just relying on us not wanting to pay five pence for something.

And

this is nudge theory, essentially, and nudge theory is becoming increasingly influential in economics.

The idea that small changes can produce a big social change.

They just introduced a sugar tax here just a couple of months ago based on

because the prospect of an early death and major illness simply does not resonate with the British public.

However, 25 pence extra on a bottle of Coca-Cola, you have our full undivided national attention.

Yeah, it also works for the tampon tax.

We've all stopped bleeding.

Gotta align your incentives.

Well, the tampon tax, it is.

Luxury.

Luxury.

Where's my Dolce and Gabana with wings, Andy?

If they're luxury?

Well, I mean, they don't, I mean, I'm not.

I'm not sure.

Sorry.

I will admit, I'm not.

We need collective action.

We just need to go out and free bleed for three months.

And they'll be begging us to take them.

Why not?

I'm in, sisters.

I am in.

I did free bleeding from when I was eight days old.

Yeah, for a little bit.

But I think maybe we need to use nudge theory on plastic bags.

That is not enough just to have a 5P charge or not.

I think what it needs is checkout staff in supermarkets to be dressed as whales.

And if you ask for a plastic bag, they just vomit one up.

Oh, but whale vomit is actually, isn't it?

Is it called ambergris?

It's actually useful, isn't it?

Whale vomit.

For a bit of the old perfume.

Yeah.

Just dab a bit of the old whale vomit behind the ears.

All the men come.

Has to be a whale.

You're not a whale, Alice.

Tell what that dude on the bus said.

In other whales news.

Do you know what it is, though?

Part of it, though, I think is that they have a PR problem.

They do.

Whales generally have a PR problem.

As in, they're not like, if it was cats or dogs, we might care a bit more about it.

We don't have whales as pets, right?

They're not kind of the creatures that we look into, so we need to sort that out.

You know, you can't go down Pets at Home and buy a a couple of beluga whales.

Can't you all won't?

You know, I think also the names don't help.

I mean, sperm whale, come on, you've lost half the country right there.

Like, if you're going to go a reproductive route, at least have a bit of fun and call it a spunk whale.

A watery jizz mammal.

We can all have a.

We can all have a laugh.

You just.

It's a giant cum dolphin.

andy

well no i just remember there was a giant cum dolphin on the um

what was that it was the uh what was that show where things used to go past on a conveyor belt generation game that's it generation game

um i thought the giant cum dolphins are one of your ice hockey teams

gives a new meaning to the term blowhole

that wasn't a family show alice family show

look at Andy all this whale news is making me feel really sad for the whales they're getting humped from all directions and there's not a lot of ways for them to hump back.

There's no right whale for them to react.

They can't just go and report it at the police cetacean.

Oh, come on, people!

I literally tried to think of a cetace punt this afternoon and it came up snake eyes.

They just have to bow to the circumstances.

We've gone from a world where everything was normal to a world where nothing is normal at all.

I'm not doing sperm whale, it's too easy.

Some whale facts for you now.

We'll have a quick whale fact box.

Chris, Sting.

There you go.

Right, here it is.

Oh, welcome back.

Fact one.

The heart of a blue whale is 640 times bigger than the average human heart, tipping the scales at 200 kilograms.

This makes whales the most romantic species of all time.

When a whale falls in love, it registers 1.8 on the Richter scale.

And whale language constantly changes.

The phrase having a whale of a time used to mean being a carefree being with no known predator and a ready supply of food whenever you opened your mouth.

Then it became, having a whale of a time came to mean being mercilessly pursued by a Japanese boat in the name of crucial scientific research.

And now it means spluttering your life out due to the wanton self-centered thoughtlessness of humanity.

Isn't language fun?

Anticlimactic zoo escape news now.

Alice,

yes, you're our useless escape from a zoo correspondent.

Yes, a thrilling report of an escape by two lions, two tigers and a jaguar reported to have broken out of a storm-hit zoo in western Germany

have turned out never to have left their enclosures.

It's like the end of a creative writing task in primary school where it was all a dream and you were there and you were there.

This event, actually, of the thought the animals escaped and they didn't is the historical origin of the saying, the cat's out of the bag.

Oh no, wait, it isn't my bad.

Put the tranquilizer guns down, boys.

The cat is where we left it.

What do you mean?

Why did we put it in a bag in the first place?

Don't ask stupid questions if you don't want stupid answers.

And there's actually a word in German for that, Andy.

Which is what?

Zveck lost Torschlus Panik.

And also check the cages first, dunutz los Arsloch.

Must have been a very linguistically educational show, this one.

It's a beautiful language, Andy.

Too soon, too soon.

Let's move on now to

North

North Korean Summit News now.

And, well, it's back on.

the romantic summit of the year 2018.

Are we on any Kim Jong-un fans in?

Really?

They're just practicing Andy.

No, does they all work for the BBC?

Sorry, I must stop reading the Daily Telegraph.

Tiff, you are our North Korea correspondent.

Apparently so.

Well actually my boyfriend is who's taken one of the stories that was happening this week in North Korea, which is the large envelope and he's explained it in in a little thing I like to call Scottish Boyfriend Explains a thing.

Some fans in.

Just get...

Oh, there it is!

There he is.

This is...

Here's the hang right.

Trump's a pure wee fanny and he's Scottish, which normally would be a thing we'd be celebrating.

but we hate him so supposedly Kim Jong has sent him a letter and a massive envelope to make him look stupid because he's got wee hands.

But to be honest,

I didn't think it's that funny.

In the same way, I didn't think it was funny when Hitler put shaving foam on Churchill's hand when he was asleep and then tickled his nose.

Because there are no kids playing practical jokes.

They're world leaders with nuclear codes.

Also, they're a pair of c ⁇ s.

And it's that...

It's that kind of down-to-earth common sense that means we have to keep the United Kingdom together.

So Andy, the nuclear summit in North Korea is back on after being on, then off, and then on again, like the bloomers of a zoetrobe of a naughty trumpet in the erotic flipbook collection of a deeply repressed Victorian man.

This is more on again, off again than Ross and Rachel, I assume.

I haven't watched the popular sitcom,

given that my knowledge of pop culture is deeply flawed and I'm trying to catch up, but so far I've only got up to Xena Warrior, Princess, four seasons of Star Trek, Deep Space Nine, and three episodes of The Simpsons.

But I assume the metaphor is probably relevant.

The The important thing is that we need to be able to trust the people who have their fingers on the nuclear button to be entirely unpredictable, wildly fickle, and have the fragile egos of a post-success Johnny Depp.

It just makes you feel really alive.

You value every day, each non-radioactive apple tastes sweeter.

Every morning you wake up to a sunrise, and the correct number of limbs is hashtag blessed.

Alice, you are

people calling other people feckless news.

Correspondent.

It's been a big, big week.

Yes, Andy.

Samantha B is receiving backlash from both sides of politics after having called Ivanka Trump a feckless and then apologising for calling Ivanka Trump a feckless.

She apologised after an apology was demanded and now there are demands for her previous apology to be retracted and apologised for after backlash to the backlash about the original apology.

People are also demanding that the people who demanded the original apology apologise.

Well done, Alice.

A summary of all news in the 21st century.

I just find it difficult to get offended at the C word because I come from a nation where people are offended if you don't use it.

I don't know.

People online have a lot of opinions and they express those opinions by being angry, which brings me to a semantic issue that I've had for a long time.

Andy, can you answer me?

Who called it getting trolled rather than the slings and arrows of outrageous 4chan?

Do I have to answer that question?

It's bizarre, isn't it, that we want to hold female comedians to a higher standard than men in power.

This seems to have run across like Sam B, and then we had the thing with Kathy Griffin as well.

You know, it would be like, you know, putting me in prison for saying David Cameron banged a pig rather than actually calling David Cameron to task for banging a pig.

Trump cannot be, he's got Scottish heritage.

He's got a Scottish mum.

He cannot be offended by the word.

Surely when he was born, she was like, yeah, come out, my you.

Melania Trump has reappeared after almost 40 days.

I think you'll find it's Melanie Trump.

Yes, of course.

According to Donald's missed tweets.

Newly rebranded with a more American name.

Melania.

She's emerged, but they've just realised she was actually in her cage the whole time.

Well, she's back after almost 40 days in the wilderness, and the similarities between her and Jesus Christ continue to mount up.

Both people whom Donald Trump claims to love, although the evidence of his behavior overwhelmingly suggests otherwise.

So, so, I mean, where do we think she's been in this these months?

She's been on.

It might have been, because there have been stand-ins.

I've long been saying, I think she's got Stockholm Syndrome.

Because whenever you see her appear publicly, she always looks like she's trying to morse code the crowd with her eyes, doesn't she?

She'll come out and like blink at them and be like, oh, probably wondering where I'm wearing high heels and disasters on.

It's because life is a catwalk.

Help me!

Help me!

She can speak five languages.

She knows how to say help me in all of them.

The point is, I don't, part of me feels bad because I don't want to judge.

Like he's had two wives, two wives, two of his wives have been immigrants.

And I don't want to judge the women who marry Donald because you don't know what they're running from, do you?

Like genuinely, what horrors are you trying to escape if you can look at Donald Trump and think that is a better life for me?

I will ride that Blamonji carcass for a passport.

There's an image you'll have tomorrow.

That was an Emily Lou Harris song.

No, it's simple.

I just got up, down, up, down for like three and a half minutes, and I'm sick at the end.

It's like a roller coaster.

That's how they should sell roller coasters.

There have been a couple of suggestions as to what she's been up to.

One is that there's actually been a wife swap with Mrs.

Kim Jong-un.

Not a kinky one, just a basic bridge building exercise.

And Reed Soul Ju has been at the White House and neither leader noticed.

But more plausible is that actually what Melania Trump has been doing is playing in the French Open tennis.

Because

can it really be just coincidence that she appears back on the scene on Monday of this week, just two days after Irina Camilia Begu, the world number 40 ranked player from Romania, was knocked out of both the singles and the doubles on the same day.

Milania had not been seen since May the 10th, giving her ample time to fly to Europe, kidnap the real Irina Camilia Begu, get in a couple of days training and play the tournaments in Rome and Nuremberg as walmarts for Roland Garros.

All part of a fact-finding mission by the Trump administration to find out how U.S.

foreign policy is going down with the world's top top 100-ranked female tennis players.

In fact, after her second-round victory over Begou Trump in Rome, Angelique Kerber, the 2016 US Open champion, said this at a press conference.

It was really distracting.

At the changeovers, Irina Camilia would come and sit next to me and ask questions about what I thought of the American government's increasing tendency to bypass international institutions and whether the President's cocktails of off-the-cuff interventionism and social media threats were damaging the U.S.

reputation in the locker room on the WTA tour.

It's most unlike her.

She usually just sits in her chair, not talking about American politics.

I found it hard to concentrate.

That's why I dropped the first set before grinding out a tough win 7-5 in the third.

That's the first time Angelique Kerber's voice has appeared on this podcast.

Some very exciting cosmetics news.

The cosmetics company Lush has split opinion, I think it's fair to say, after

a campaign aimed at drawing attention to the so-called spice cops scandal.

Now, this is one of the weirdest stories.

Does that sound like a Jason Statham film when you say it like that?

Spy cops.

Spy cop scandal.

Yes.

It's hard to...

Did you all see this story in the...

Have you all come across this story?

So they have this sort of...

It's basically a satirical window displays about the

police going undercover and infiltrating people's lives and having long-term relationships with them.

Yes, Activis.

And

it's very hard for me to understand how

this occurred in a company such as Lush after presumably a high-level board meeting.

At which the boss of Lush said, so we've agreed that the new flavour of bath bombs will be lavender, mango, and salted Patagonian squirrel blossom.

We've also given the go-ahead to Brenda's plan to retest the sulphur and rat musk shower cream to try and make it just a little bit less combative.

And we're all unanimous that we all really like soap.

Now,

any other product ideas?

Jeff.

Boss, I was thinking we could maybe launch a satirical campaign about undercover police operations.

Okay, Jeff, will it make bath water turn a funny colour?

No, boss.

Will it moisturize my skin?

Not really.

Can I give it to my life partner as a Valentine's Day present?

Definitely f ⁇ ing not.

Jeff, I'm just not seeing it.

It's not really in line with our core lush values of making people more aromatic and less filthy.

Go on, boss, give it a go.

All of our market research suggests that customers want not only to be clean, but also to be reminded of the dark, amoral core at the heart of the British establishment.

You've won me round!

Normally, cosmetic companies are all for the art of disguise, but in this instance, they felt moved to advertise their beauty products by taking a swing at police strategy.

I think this can only have been caused by someone at the highest levels of the soap company having been tricked by a policeman in disguise or broken up with by their actual normal non-police husband pretending to be a policeman in disguise in order to get out of the relationship.

Honey, it's not you, it's actually me, by which I mean it's not me.

I'm not me.

I'll admit to having a little bit of skin in the game with Lush.

I do know Lush.

And one of the things that they do is they sell their businesses soap, but they're actually about activism.

So almost like an ethical fight club.

It's almost like

they make money from soap, and then they do some other stuff on the side.

It's almost like they're pretending to be one thing to get away with doing another.

Well, they've always been like kind of like pro-fair trade and anti-animal testing.

And they do like, they have that whole side of their business.

And I guess the sort of they've got films, they've got a lush eye player, so they put these films up.

And I think whether you like it or think it's effective or not effective, the interesting thing that has happened is that people have been going in.

Well, I say people, police have been demanding that they're being removed from the stores because they say it's an attack on the police, as opposed to it being quite a specific attack on spy cops and giving people wider knowledge of what that is.

And then the

shopping center, one of the shopping centers, I think it was called Into,

said we have now told Lush to take them all down because politics and shopping do not mix,

which which is one of the best things i've ever heard oh all those newspapers that you've got in the shops then that's not political i mean everything about shopping is political it's so ridiculous isn't it um so but i think that's almost all wellian when you kind of go no we're gonna hand down a diktat and tell you how you can and can't market in an advertisement it's totally fine for someone to put up a commercial going you know if you take the slimming pill you can lose 50 of your body fat in a week like that's okay but this isn't you know yeah but it's just this is weird isn't it just i just think it's nice I think it's nice to see advertising companies moving away from their staple subject of eerie-looking people in rigor-mortis poses staring into the middle distance with the relaxed mouth and half-closed eyes of someone pissing in a public pool.

I like advertising as much as the next indoctrinated victim of rapacious capitalism, but I think it's...

It's very deceptive, most advertising.

Very few shops actually sell oily young women.

That's not fair fair to advertising, Andy.

We're now in the age of the body positivity movement where ads go, look at me, I'm feminism, you're not too fat to buy mascara.

And you're like, oh, I don't know, you look like feminism, but I think I've seen you before.

I think you're just capitalism in a trench coat.

Are you wearing a stick-on moustache made out of fake eyelashes?

I mean,

we're all hypocrites about this.

I'm wearing makeup right now.

I can't talk.

Of course, I can't talk.

I'm a woman.

No, it's fine.

I'm not saying that beauty and fashion are less important than other more important things.

Or that it makes you less of a feminist to want to be fable at all times.

I'm just saying I don't believe the hype.

There's so much hype.

You know, just choose the right moisturizer and you too can become an ageless jellyfish floating for eternity in a sea of cocks.

Or, you know, flaps, whatever floats your jellyfish.

It is mad how many.

My favourite Salvador Daly pointed out.

I have lipstick on, but under my shirt,

just the words, I know where you live.

Right, we are heading towards the end of the show.

Chris, how long have we got?

All right, minus 15 minutes.

Can we do a high-speed QA?

Just take two or three.

Who has a question for?

Yes, good evening.

Quick question.

I read today in a newspaper that there have been more applicants to Love Island than to Oxford and Cambridge this year.

Thoughts on having the winners of Love Island replace Theresa May?

Well, I think we've given the Oxbridge elite a fair crack of the whip at

running the country.

And I speak as a member of the elite.

Look at me.

I am your overlord.

And

the Love Island graduates have to show that they have a similar capability to sell off the nation's assets to the highest bidder before we can truly trust them with the future of our country.

Until someone on Love Island has put their penis into the mouth of a dead pig

as part of some kind of

dining society, I don't think we can we can entirely and do you believe that actually because you mentioned that earlier that Cameron he did not he did not bang a pig, he put his penis in the dead mouth of a pig.

Banged a pig?

Well, I mean, you know, I think it's fine.

To be honest, I was far happier to have a Prime Minister who had already put his penis in the dead mouth of a pig than a Prime Minister who was constantly wondering what it would be like to put his penis in the dead mouth of a pig.

David, you've got that far away look in your eyes.

Focus, man, focus.

One more?

One more question?

I'm going to regret asking this, but were there any whale puns which didn't make the cut for the show?

You just wouldn't believe some of the the things I left out.

They were not interestingly, but interestingly, you should mention puns.

And there are.

I'm sorry, we've

we will be we will come to the fantastic story about the gay cake in America on a future bugle.

But sorry if you came exclusively to see that.

But it is another very important anniversary this week.

It's eight years since Lou Reed did a concert for dogs

in Australia which

which long-term buglers may remember sparked something of

a pun run.

It was one of the early ones that unleashed the beast.

PTSD.

So

I'm not going to do any more of those puns.

I don't want to pooch my luck.

I know some of you would want me to do that, but I'm not going to bow wow to the pressure.

And

I won't let you lead me a astray,

much to your disappointment.

Not all of you are getting these.

This guy, he's struggling to keep up.

He really is.

He looks like he wants to put a curse curse on me.

Starting to ask himself questions.

Why, how, and when's it gonna end?

But I better stop this before everyone runs away and they all flee back to the bar.

There's a food outlet out there, interestingly, this year, a monastery-themed barbecue or a monk grill.

I'll stop now.

I've done eight puns there.

Sorry, not eight.

Okay, nine.

Sorry.

Sorry, ten now.

That was a bit shit.

Anyway, but I had to do it, because if I don't do it, no one will.

Did you spot that one?

Anyway, sorry.

Got to go before this wrecks the whole gig.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

This lady over there is running it off, but I'll win a rover.

Winner.

All done.

All done, Chris.

All done.

You're like a dog with a bone.

Thank you.

You're not kelpying yourself at all.

Thank you very much for coming to the bugle.

I do hope you've enjoyed it.

Any final requests?

Good, we'll call that a wrap.

Please show your appreciation for the wonderful Tiff Stevenson and Alice Fraser,

Chris the producer.

Thanks to the Andabelle for having us.

Until next week, goodbye.

Alice Ultsman.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.