Bugle 4069 – Read the bible, capeesh?

84 for one.

Yep, Bugless, just in case this gets left in, just as a warning, the test match is currently on and

Andy just keeps on sort of doing stuff on his computer and I think, wow, he's really working hard.

And he just then announces the finging score.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, insert your name here.

Just thought I'd make it a little bit more personal this week.

And welcome to Insert Whatever You Want This Podcast to Be Called Here.

I am Insert the Name of Your Preferred Host of Today's Show here.

Be honest, I won't be offended.

What?

You f ⁇ ing what?

People.

It is the 25th of May.

Insert your chosen year here.

And in today's show, we will be covering insert the topics you want covered here, here,

and

here.

You know, sometimes I think the customer has too much power these days.

This is Bugle issue 4069.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, back in London, after many weeks travelling the world.

Thanks to everyone who came to the live Bugle shows in the USA and my shows in Australia and New Zealand as well, and the Radiotopia tour in the States.

I'm delighted to be joined today by a man who may have been overlooked for many things, including the England World Cup football squad.

I reckon he could have done a job.

Promotion to a ministerial post in the British government, rumours had linked him to being appointed junior minister for groove at the newly opened Department of Funk.

It's just got Brexit distraction written all over it.

Also overlooked for a place in the backing band on the current Rolling Stones tour.

Disappointing.

And not given a retrospective at the Royal Academy.

They didn't think his lifetime's output of painting and sculpture was up this enough.

Also dropped from the Chelsea Flower grand final after it transpired he was not a plant but despite that he's good enough for us at the bugle we're delighted to have him welcome back from yet more globetrotting continent hopping and ocean vaulting it's the 21st century's vasco da gama nishko dakuma

Hello Andy, hello buglers.

Furious to miss out on the World Cup squad, Andy.

Yeah, I mean, what happened then?

Absolutely livid.

I don't know.

I really thought I was a shoe-in for left back.

I've really been putting in a shift at Tuesday football.

I really thought I had a chance.

I have been, indeed, Globe Trail.

You and I have really.

I was about to say

clocked up some air miles.

What I mean to say is you and I have really contributed to the inevitable decline of the Earth's ozone layer, Andy.

Well, you know, gig's a gig, isn't it?

Our carbon footprint is now T-Rex size.

That's right.

God will sort it out, or science, one of the two.

They're kind of interchangeable these days.

I've been, since I last bugled, I completed the second series of the travel show that I do with Joel Dommit.

And

we went to Japan again to do sumo wrestling and then we went to Peru and we went to Argentina.

Quick summary of the trip.

Turns out I'm a sumo natural and that is not even a vague exaggeration.

Sumo naturalis my favourite drink to have in Spain as well.

I mean you're gonna have to you're gonna have to back that up with some

corroboration.

You can't just say you're a sumo natural.

Wait until you see series two, Andy.

It's quite impressive.

Who was the largest person that you sue myself.

We were only wrestling the amateurs.

They wouldn't even let us in the ring with the professionals.

Those guys are serious operators.

What a sport, Andy.

It's so great.

I shout myself on a mountain in Peru.

Right.

And then I went to Argentina.

I mean, again, you can't just throw that phrase in

casually.

Again, I mean, it's one of Kenny Rogers' lesser-known songs.

Lesser-known, but soon to be rediscovered in a big way.

I shout shout myself on a mountain in Peru, brackets, and I liked it.

So, I mean,

was this a matter of excitement at seeing the wonders of Matchup?

I ate some, shall we say, questionable street food.

Right, okay.

By which I mean I bought it from a stand as opposed to I just ate it off a Lima roadside.

But I ate some slightly, yeah, and I struggled a little bit.

And I just received, as I was on my way to the bugle, what happens with these shows is that we film all this footage, and then it's someone's job at the production company to transcribe everything that happens.

Lucky them.

Lucky them.

And if you want to know what it's like traveling with me, I received this full transcription of a conversation that I had with the director.

Now the setup for this is that my stomach situation had resolved itself.

Now because we'd referenced it in the show,

he had to ask me, it was the director's job to ask me how my stomach was.

So this is a verbatim transcription of that conversation.

Director, how are your bowels?

Nish, all quiet on the southern front, if you get my drift.

What I'm saying is I've passed solid stools.

Never celebrated one more vociferously in my entire life.

I was down there and I felt the sweet, sweet tang of solid feces on Anal Fisher.

Director, please stop.

Nish.

So in regards to my bowels, great news, all quiet on the southern front.

I passed the night uneventfully and this morning I sat down and christened the porcelain with a solid nugget.

Brackets laughter.

Director, let's reference it more that you're finally able to eat before the trek.

Nish, fine.

Great news, all quiet on the southern front.

My guts are behaving.

I passed what can only be described as a regulation stool this morning.

Absolute textbook bit of business, and I feel great about it.

I sat on the toilet, parted my cheeks, and what can only be described as a solid rock formation passed and landed on the sweet porcelain.

What a sound.

Director, and now you can eat.

Nish, solid feces on porcelain.

Director, and now you can eat.

Nish, tis truly the music of nature.

Director, and now you can eat.

Nish.

So this morning, it passed uneventfully, shall we say?

By which I mean it was like the thing from the Fantastic Four crawled out of my backside and went for a swim.

Brackett's laughs, director, cut.

Well,

I mean, that's what we try to achieve on the bugle, the general edification of humanity.

Do you need the toilet, Neil?

And now I can eat.

I mean, are you being paid by the Peruvian Tourist Court?

So, this sumo, I mean,

what's your style as a...

Because, I mean, you're not...

I'm not saying you're an absolutely primed athlete, but neither are you a traditional sumo-bill.

A sumo specimen.

my sumo style was going hard going early right it's the same attitude I take to all you can eat buffets

straight in head down get into it right it's very tactical

what I will say is the uniforms leave something to be desired and that something is coverage of your penis and testicles

if you're not familiar with the sumo it is it is basically a scarf wrapped around your nethers and without wishing to be indecorous, I was flying low on more than one occasion.

It's just always a bad moment when you feel a gust of wind blow through your sack.

What Bob Dylan quotes?

Oh, and then I shaved a moustache and I got stopped at customs because it turns out with a moustache, I thought I looked like my dad in the 80s, and Heathrow Airport believed I looked like the actual Pablo Escobar.

Eventful couple of months, Andrew.

This is Bugle 4069 which coincidentally is the estimated year in which humans will have evoluted to be born with tattoos already imprinted on their skins.

And also 4069 with a marks out of 10 that Jesus gave to the four gospel writers at one of their annual end of year assessments in the late first century AD.

Got the full transcript here.

Matty, not your best.

Talk it up a bit.

I mean luckily Lazarus got better is not really selling it is it?

Mark, what the f ⁇ , Mark?

Do not include any of Judas' jokes.

And you know full well that the parable of the surprisingly sexy grandmother was not for publication.

A lad's night out is a lad's night out.

Raise the bar or I'm getting Alvin in instead of you.

You're in last chance alone, Marco.

And ding-a-ling, last orders, capische.

Luke, much better.

Keep it up.

Just, you know, numbers.

Feeding the 1,000, not good enough.

Bump it up, mate.

And John, love your work, mate.

Absolutely love your work.

Very original.

I love metaphors.

And that story about the boozy wedding.

Finging lovely touch, mate.

Everyone loves a drink.

Strong branding.

The rest of you, watch and learn.

More free booze equals more happy customers.

First rule of public relations.

Right, hands in.

One, two, three.

Prost.

Go, Team J.

I think

the Bible would have even more punch than it already has if it included the word capiche.

Well, why not?

I mean it's uh and there's quite a lot of the of uh of of the bible that is essentially mafia level face to behave yourself keep your dick out of the livestock capish

um

um and that surely has got to be your next hit tv show keep your dick out of the livestock with nissky what i'm really enjoying about this is for the benefit of listeners this is happening in a studio where upstairs,

as we were coming into the studio, we saw Salman Rushdie.

So,

this is this juvenalia.

I'm just reading off the scripture left in the studio.

Listen,

finally letting his hair down,

let the real Salmon out to play.

If anyone can tell you about the dangers of reinterpreting religious scripture,

it's the man upstairs, and I'm not talking about God.

We are recording on the 25th of May, which is the feast day of St.

Bede.

The venerable Bede, father of English history,

of course, yeah.

One of the most venerable of all Bedes.

He was a famous letter writer back in the day.

But in his time, of course, it took a monk about three and a half days just to colour in the first letter of

a page of text.

And so you bloody well thought properly about every fing word you wrote.

And I think this week, if only letter writers today spent as much care over their words as Bede did, the world might be slightly calmer.

As always, a section of this bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, we look back at the royal wedding and look ahead to the next royal occasions that can take our minds away from the grim realities of reality.

There is, Nish, we're looking ahead to an aching void of royal weddings

coming up, and it's hard to see where the next one is

coming from.

So, into this void, there are now talks that Prince George, the prince and trainee monarch, pin-up child of constitutionally neutral non-executive inherited pseudo-power,

will be lined up with a ceremonial royal play date

for the British public to enjoy as monarchy fans.

He's aged,

well, never you mind, he's a fking prince, doesn't matter how old he is.

If you're good enough, you're old enough.

But he's...

Hang on a minute, Jack.

Do you know how old he is?

I've no idea.

Four?

Fucking hell.

He's four.

He's four.

Oh, you know what?

We should know his age because we did a whole section on this show about his first day of school.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

It's almost as if you don't have full recall of every single Bugle episode, Andy.

What is your name?

I'm Salman Rushdie.

Nice to meet you.

Prince George is now aged four, nearly five, five, which is roughly equivalent to four, nearly five in human years, ironically.

And he's been lined up for a play date with five-year-old Mary Lou Fletton from the Canadian shipping company, the Incredible Floating Flettons, who of course began in circus in the 19th century, but ended up in container ships.

Funny old world.

Could be as soon as August, Nish, the royal play date.

Crowd of up to 800,000 expected to watch the two youngsters build a palace out of Lego.

And also rumoured to be in talks with Denmark's ruling dynasty to have a joint royal fun parade with Danish micro-royals, Prince Pastrian and Princess Baconia.

And

I mean, you are the Bugle's royal correspondent.

Obviously, yeah, absolutely.

I mean, huge monarchist.

Where were you for the great occasion?

I was slightly disappointed that you were not involved in the interview.

No, listen, I was furious not to get the call.

But

you know, Andy, I celebrated it in the most traditional British way possible in bed, sleeping off a heavy evening of drinking.

You know,

on Friday night, I thought there's no way I can watch this wedding if I am a true patriot.

What I need to do is drink two bottles of red wine and spend the next day entirely incapacitated and have to watch the highlights on YouTube.

And I mean, how much do you think Britain has changed since

the wedding?

I mean, is it as high as 98% full social change?

Full social change, Andy.

The presence of Meghan Markle has meant that racism is over.

It's all done.

It's all over.

I can just walk around now.

Well, that's why we've got you on the show this week.

New Britain, new bugle.

Well, thank you, Meghan Markle.

That's right.

I mean, this show was a bastion of white male privilege for eight years.

Anyway, that retrospective on the Royal Wedding is unfortunately in the bin.

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Top story this week, to misquote Bob Dylan, it's all over now.

Kim Jong-un.

Happy birthday to the great man.

Four yesterday.

All right.

That is Bob Dylan.

Not Kim Jong-un.

It sounded like you were saying he was four yesterday.

He was four years old.

His Benjamin Button-like life.

I had to Google his age before I started.

He's 77.

And the top question

when you Google Bob Dylan is, how did Bob Dylan die?

Just such an assumption that he's not made it.

Yeah.

That people don't even bother asking,

did he die?

Just how did it happen?

Andy, the summit is off.

The frostnicks in a fittery, the coffee shop scene in heat meets dumb and dumber.

But when Harry Met Sally of International Crazy Men is officially off, Donald Trump cancelled his proposed meeting with Kim Jong-un via a letter yesterday afternoon.

Devastating blow for international relations and a real surprise in the same way that a surprise party is a surprise in that it's not really a surprise but everyone's pretending to go through the motions.

Yes, I think we've heard enough about you going through your motions on the show already.

So the

talk that was scheduled for Singapore

coming, I mean it's a huge, huge disappointment.

I mean probably the biggest disappointment of all is

you know there's always hidden losers in this and

a commemorative coin

glamorizing and vindicating and validating a murderous despot, which is really what these kind of talks are all about, is now no longer valid.

I mean, they had they were selling the basically Donald Trump had had a special coin made to commemorate this glorious occasion

to the supreme leader, not even an inverted commerce.

And even Kim Jong-un doesn't really think he's supreme, to be honest.

These coins are now obsolete.

Disaster.

Very much like the commemorative mug marking the coronation of King Edward VIII that never happened, that I may have bought on eBay some years ago.

Love a bit of history.

Love a bit of merch.

But to give Kim Jong-un his own...

I mean, it's one thing to butter up the missile waggling bastard and mass poverty fan for the practical purposes of making a nuclear war marginally less likely, but to give him his own f ⁇ ing coin.

Yeah, I mean, it's...

It was a bizarre move.

I mean, issuing a commemorative gold coin for an occasion that hasn't happened is a really bold move.

It actually reminds me of an ancient proverb that my grandmother used to tell me when I was growing up.

Now, I'm translating directly from the Malayalam, so do bear with me.

On the verge of success the wise man waits while the foolish man commissions a f ⁇ ing stupid f ⁇ ing pointless gold coin that's not even a coin and makes himself look like a complete f ⁇ ing c ⁇

So I mean what is what is the strategy behind because it does seem this whole thing is essentially some kind of improvisational ego driven whack-a-mole politics.

Or is it a game of clever political chess, albeit a version of chess in which the only pieces are the penises of the two players slunked onto the chessboard.

Your move.

Oh nice.

The Napoleonic opening.

F you, it's way bigger than Napoleon's.

Donald Trump sent a letter which expressed regret that he would be unable to carry out the meeting

but also included some thinly veiled threats.

When I say thinly veiled, I mean there was no veil.

It was just a threat.

He said this, this is a direct quote from the letter.

You talk about your nuclear capabilities, but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.

This is the ultimate break-up letter, Andy.

What Donald Trump is basically saying is, it's not me, it's you.

And if you say it's me, I will blow you to Kingdom Come with my massive nuclear arsenal.

I mean, again, that's when Bob Dylan was very much the master of the break-up.

Very much the master.

This is Donald Trump's blood on the tracks moment.

Jeffrey Lewis from the Middlebury Institute of International Studies described the situation as a total goat rodeo.

I mean, Nish, you are under the age of 40, so you know how young people talk.

Is this a common phrase?

Yeah,

I believe it's common pilots amongst the rappers, Andy.

Total goat rodeo.

Also, my favourite Xbox stroke PlayStation, Stroke, Numbskull's idiot console game this year, Total Goat Rodeo.

I mean, could

I mean, I guess, is it one of those phrases that just almost makes sense by sheer lack of sense?

I mean, it does seem to fit the Trumpic presidency

in the concept of a total goat rodeo.

Yeah.

It sounds like one of his failed businesses.

Yeah.

It's like stakes, casinos, goat rodeo.

Like, he wouldn't be out of place

in the list of things he has completely fed up.

It could possibly even be a merging of his steak and casino businesses.

Yeah, and yet somehow he still comes out.

That's the problem that I have with the coin, because the White House dropped the price from $24.95 to $19.95, which I would argue is still $20 too expensive.

It should cost minus five cents.

Also, numismatists, which I believe is the name for people who

like coins a lot, say it should be referred to as a medallion because it has no denomination, so it's completely f ⁇ ing worthless.

But so many people bought it when the price was slashed that the White House gift shop website crashed.

And it's like the most American thing ever, like a celebration of absolute stupidity.

But it's typical of Donald Trump in that somehow, no matter how badly he fks up, he still makes money.

It's a genius.

So

it was a heart-rending letter, as you say.

It was.

It's hard to see how this is

going to pan out now.

And Trump has just issued a statement in which he said, I, sorry, we, who am I kidding?

I, remain committed to the idea of whatever the idea was of these talks.

These talks are a great opportunity to sell commemorative coins, and I quite fancy the idea of a city called Trump Yang or something, Korean like that, in honor of my contribution to the annual turnover of North Korea.

However, oh, there is a large fly buzzing around the Oval Office right now.

It's on the curtains.

I'm going to whack it with the newspaper.

Mike, get the remnants of that newspaper out of the fireplace.

I'm going to get that fly.

Oh, I've lost it now.

I can hear it, but I can't see.

I have an itchy testicle.

The left one.

Although the right one was itchy a minute ago now, but I've scratched it and it's fine.

Is it chicken for lunch?

I had chicken yesterday.

Is John Wayne still alive?

I want to give him a cabinet post.

Pow, pow, he'd do a job.

Oh, sorry.

Almost forgot.

Go, Jesus.

Yay!

Is that enough Christiany stuff or do I need to do more?

I want my Nobel Prize or at least a sticker saying brave boy.

I think there's a shark in the Potomac.

At a dream where I was chased by a shark, kill all sharks.

So

it'll calm the troubled waters down.

This is a serious failure for the sort of nascent peace process in the Korean Peninsula.

And the background to this whole thing is there was a surprise announcement in March that these talks were supposed to happen.

But it turns out that the whole time the two sides were talking at cross purposes because North Korea thought they were coming to the table as an equal partner, whereas Trump thought his campaign of maximum pressure was paying off.

And the discrepancy only really became clear in the last couple of weeks when Trump's officials started making it clear that they meant a full destruction of North Korea's nuclear capabilities and started referring to how they wanted to treat the country by something that they called the Libya model, which is not ideal because that model is a model of Colonel Gaddafi having a bunch of things shoved up his bus.

It's a terrible model.

It's Colonel Gaddafi getting an absolute arseful of whatever flotsam and jetsam people had floating around in Tripoli that day.

I'm pretty sure Donald Trump had an affair with a Libya model at at some point in his pre-presidential career as well.

So, White House officials have not ruled out the summit from happening again in future.

So, a White House official said the summit meeting was still a possibility, but keeping the exact date was impossible, given the fact that the New York Times quoted one senior official as saying June 12th is in 10 minutes, which under normal circumstances we'd all interpret as being a comment on the pace of change in international diplomacy.

But which, given this this is the Trump White House, it feels like it's completely plausible that all the clocks are just wrong and no one's bothered to do anything about it.

Fake time.

Yeah, fake time.

All I'm saying is, Andy, don't be surprised if the White House Christmas decorations go up in August this year.

Two wickets down.

Focus, Chris.

Fing focus.

Jesus Christ, Chris.

Chris has been ragging Andy all morning for his inability to focus on the cricket and now he's wading in with score updates.

I thought if I headed him off at the pass, it would be a lot.

Harris the Hale caught Bursto Baldwin for 39.

He already knew.

He already knew he was fully aware.

This is...

I've covered it up, though, haven't I?

I would never have known.

Trump has also had

a bit of a legal problem this week.

He's been told by the Courts in America that he cannot block Twitter users who disagree with him or lampoon him,

which is lucky, I guess, just in terms of the basic logistics of being president, because he already wastes enough time on his up to 280-character verbal vomitings without having to to also spend 38 hours a day blocking everyone who calls him f ⁇ k.

The reason that was given was basically, the judge said, this case requires us to consider whether a public official may, consistent with the First Amendment, block a person from his Twitter account.

And, I mean, Trump very much remains the unwanted penis in the yogurt pot of American democracy.

But even he...

must surely appreciate the delicious irony of the First Amendment, an 18th century piece of legislation, being used to justify the use of technology from the modern age,

albeit in a way that does not result in the deaths of innocent people, like

its successor and disappointing sequel, the Second Amendment.

Quick Brexit update for you now.

And a senior EU official has said that Britain is chasing a fantasy

in

the Brexit negotiations.

And what is wrong with that, Eurocrat?

Nothing is wrong with it, Nish.

Our government has been criticised for not respecting the will of the people.

And here at last is a sign that they have taken this criticism on board and are now pursuing the fantasy that we voted for.

You cannot handle our democracy, Brussels.

We voted for an undefined, indefinable leap via an unknowable future back into a fictional past.

And our government are going to make that fantasy happen.

It's the first time the will of the people has been respected at any point in this process.

If the government committed to unicorns for all

that could, I mean, that would have, I reckon that would have led to a bloody landslide.

In other referendum news, as we speak, Ireland is voting on a referendum to repeal the Eighth Amendment of its Constitution, which effectively bans abortions in Ireland.

I guess if you're not Irish,

hard to understand quite what a massive issue this is.

Yeah.

How are you voting, Nish?

Oh,

I'm voting yes.

Right, I'm voting.

Thanks to some really elaborate Moscow-based hackers, I am getting a vote.

I'm voting yes because I always find a way because I love democracy.

I am voting yes, even though...

As a man from the Judeo-Christianico-Muslimic tradition, I firmly believe that the contents and behaviour of other people's wombs are my business and my business alone.

And on that basis, I'm prepared to pontificate.

And what I can only imagine is a heartbreaking moment in a woman's life and one of the most agonizing, impossible decisions a human being ever has to make.

From my superior male perspective of being a wombless man whose worldview has not evolved in 2,000 years.

That is my right.

But I am voting yes, Nish, and I'll explain why, because I'm voting yes for the environment.

Go on.

Up till now, Irish women have had to fly to Britain to get abortions.

Yeah.

And I'm not comfortable with the carbon footprint.

Absolutely not.

That is not God's will, Andy.

It's not.

It's not.

I mean, the emotional damage wreaks on women unable to decide their own futures and what to do with their own bodies.

I'm comfortable with that.

Yeah.

I'm comfortable with that.

That's all part of the aftermath of Eve stealing that carton of apple juice from Pandora's lunchbox or whatever it was that spoiled the fing planet.

More on-point scripture for this episode of the Bugle.

Don't shoot the messenger, people.

And also, our universe acknowledged that the quantity of life is way more important than the quality of life on this planet.

There are 7 billion plus people, but we only represent 0.01% of the entire biomass of this planet, according to a report this week.

So the more unwanted humans we produce, the better, if you want to climb up that chart.

Bacteria is on 13%.

Horny little bastards.

But the environment is a key factor for me, Nish, so it's a yes.

For me, I've not really understood why there's been any other argument, because for the yes campaign, surely the key argument is it's 2018.

I think that would probably be a good starting point because I'm presuming that a lot of the no campaigners would go, oh my god, it's 2008.

I'm so sorry.

I thought it was 1862 and this thing was still acceptable.

Right.

Yeah, I mean, that's yeah, that does put things in a slightly different perspective.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not Irish, but I am a huge fan of the social group known as the women.

And, you know, I wish them well in all their endeavours around the world.

And, you know, I mean, I guess the thing is we're recording as this is happening.

So

I guess, Chris, it's a case of delete as appropriate.

94 for two.

That was not the momentous event I was referring to.

But I guess, yeah, I guess it's quite a question of Chris' delete as appropriate.

So depending on the result, it's either, well, thank God everyone has seen sense, or are you fing kidding me?

You fing morons!

What the f is wrong with you?

Do you think your God wants you to punish women?

F off!

Earlier in the campaign, there were warnings that a yes vote could lead to extremist legislation.

Right.

And the Bishop of Derry

asked what would happen next.

Would it be the lawful killing of the elderly and infirm?

Sure.

I mean, that is a very late-term abortion.

I mean, it's the obvious logical conclusion, isn't it?

That if you allow women to choose anything, then you end up murderously slaughtering old people.

Yeah, fair enough.

But I've actually done a computer simulation, Nish, and it turns out that this is not likely to be the next result.

Right.

It's actually much more likely that it will move up gradually through the age brackets.

And killing the elderly, well, it's a waste of effort because they're on their way out anyway.

And it's much more likely to lead to the lawful killing of babies and children.

Yeah.

Just, you can't argue with the lawful killing.

You can't argue with facts, Andy.

On the subject...

just mentioned above that humans represent just 0.01% of all life

in this survey, but have destroyed 83% of wild mammals.

Winner Moon!

Winner Moon!

Take that, Darwin.

We're like the minnows.

This is like Leicester City winning the Premier League.

More so.

Kill everything.

We kill everything.

We're humans, everyone.

And I think 14% of those at that 83% was on Teddy Roosevelt's post-presidency tour of Africa.

Always like to return to that on the bugle.

He loved animals, Teddy Roosevelt, and he particularly liked them when they were dead, mounted in a cabinet in a museum.

I'm very worried about bacteria doing so well.

13% of

everything, Nish.

Yeah.

I mean, they're

largely underground and inaccessible.

The more worrying statistic is that they're 95% of the Trump administration, I think.

Boom!

Slam, dunk, defunk.

Take that, Donald.

I may have been away, but my skills are sharp as ever.

The study sort of revealed that the demographics of animals as we think of them might be a little bit off, and the sort of numbers of cows and chickens really outnumber most of the other animals on this planet because of their role in the kind of farming and subsequently the meat industry.

Professor Ron Milo, which let me just say, phenomenal name.

I'm not normally a fan of someone with two first names, but Ron Milo is an absolute jaffer.

Ron Milo at the Wiseman Institute of Science in Israel, who led the work, said, When I do a puzzle with my daughters, there is usually an elephant next to a giraffe next to a rhino.

But if I was trying to give them a more realistic sense of the world, it would be a cow next to a cow, next to a cow, and then a chicken.

Now, look, Ron, I don't want to tell you how to do your job here, but if you want to give them a realistic sense of the word and you want to complete that picture, the cows and the chickens would be next to a slaughterhouse, which was next to a McDonald's, which was next to a Nando's.

Which was next to Nish shitting on a Peruvian mountaintop.

Nando, of course, the etymology is from the

Latin verb nando

to consume

moderate quality chicken sandwiches.

Nando, nanderek, nankshi, nanktum.

It's good.

It's good when you can see one coming.

I saw, as I said that, I saw the ball travelling down and landing as a perfectly positioned half volley outside the off-stump.

And Saltzman just creamed it through the covers.

It's very similar to the one that Assad Shafiq has just done.

Oh for the love of God.

Well I've got to use my degree niche.

Those Latin verbs aren't going to make themselves up mate.

Anymore.

So I mean the big worry is plants are doing way too well.

82% of all living matter are plants.

Very concerning.

Yeah.

If you have any respect for human life, just euglis, you will go out and personally attack a tree.

Attack a tree.

Concrete something over.

Concrete something over.

This is a global racing issue, and we are losing big time.

On the subject of plants, it's time for the Bugle feature section now.

And it's been the Chelsea Flower Show in London.

Of course.

Of course it has.

And that is no way something that I just found out now this second.

What a flower show.

It's been controversial this year.

Star Gardener in Persimas Grodge, the two-time winner of the Golden Trowl, picked up a yellow card, well a pressed sunflower, in the quarter-final after swearing at a begonia in rival gardener Elsinora Glampwick-Florke's strikingly death-themed exhibit.

That included a hedge topiorised into the shape of the Grim Reaper and an array of black carnations growing out of the rotting corpse of a polar bear.

A heavily satirical garden.

Grodge nevertheless made it through to the semi where he lost out to Rupert and Mauck's brilliantly minimalist fly-tipped electrical equipment with a single metaphorical tulip.

There's been some hard-hitting stuff at the Chelsea Flash over here.

But scarred by a big cheating scandal, Limbert Greenfingers Dramelion, the former horticultural gangster responsible, of course, for the 1986 Kew Gardens heist, in which he stole 230 rare trees by pretending to be a tree surgeon but refusing to outpatient visits.

Back in the garden news again after his award-winning giant talking labelia, a 1.9 metre whopper that could recite rhyming couplets about its pretty petals, turned out to be actor Hugh Grant in a labelia costume.

He was disqualified.

And a sex scandal, Nish.

Sex scandal at a Chelsea flower show.

Someone's been fing a hedge.

A randy orchid in Lord and Lady Snutterbridge's garden tried to get it horticulturally on

with a hot-looking lupin in the adjoining plot.

During family day in front of the children, one distraught mother said, there was pollen everywhere.

It was disgusting.

He was waggling his stamen about in a suggestive manner, more appropriate to the 20th century, and she was no better.

I'm sure she was letting the paparazzi get an up-pedal shot of her pistol.

Honestly, my children were deeply offended.

Randy Cohen, of course, was paid $100,000 by Michael Cohen.

Patio of the Year, sponsored by the True Crime Channel,

went to Eric the midnight monster Scranton.

And after the thrilling dig it up phase, Scranton celebrated wildly as he was bundled into a police van to begin eight life sentences in in Broadmoor.

105 for two.

Now, um...

Why didn't we record in the lunch break?

Yeah, Chris, it was your fault.

You've claimed you couldn't record from 1 till 2.

Is that because you are going to be...

It's actually because I am delivering a pitch about why children should listen to the radio.

I'm not entirely sure about children listening to the radio, to be honest, particularly when you put the news news on in the morning.

Oh, God, yeah.

I mean, I think that's the fastest I ever move is between the start of a news headline and switching the radio off to avoid my children being permanently scarred by the latest human atrocity.

Can I quote that insight in the pitch?

Yeah, please do, Chris.

Please do.

Hey, listen, it's a bold play for the host of a satirical weekly programme to go, we need less news.

We need less news.

We need less news or more child-friendly news.

A quick note to our British listeners: under the new general data protection regulation that

is forcing companies to stop intruding in every nook and cranny of your digital life,

under the new regulations, we are not allowed to

keep and treasure your data as we have so ruthlessly on the bugle for commercial exploitation purposes.

That said,

I know where you live.

I'm talking to you right now,

but you can't see me.

Your emails now, and this has come in from Nila, a bugle fan.

Sorry, sounds fun, obviously.

That's how she signed in.

Your emails now, this has come in from Nila.

who signs off email from Nila, a bugle fan.

To be honest, if you're emailing this show, you are either a bugle fan or a dating website

or possibly the republican party

um

addressing us as uh was it dear f ⁇ quads what do they call it dick quads dick quads that's it

dear andy my husband and i will be attending you nila jesus the uh we'll be attending the bugle live in london on the 5th of june uh well it's interesting you should mention that nila uh that show will be featuring alice fraser and tiffany stevens and there's also a live bugle on the 10th of july plus a live World Cup special Satirists for Hire show on the 5th of July.

Nish, you'll be doing that.

I'll be right there.

So do send your emails in on the World Cup and any related issues to satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

Also, live shows coming up at the Edinburgh Festival at the Leicester Square Theatre later in the year at the Lowry Theatre on the 7th of October.

Great.

And any others I need to plug, Chris?

There's that music festival that you're playing at midnight.

Oh, yeah, the End of the Road Music Festival festival at the Llama Tree, in which there will be a live bugle at midnight in the woods.

Oh, my God.

Featuring me and Alice.

Surely the logical conclusion of this

is bugling at midnight in the woods.

I mean,

that does have a slight touch of the

dodgy cult about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which in absolute fairness to the show, it is a bit of a dodgy cult, as my Wikipedia page can attest.

Anyway, Nila continues.

So do come along to all all of those shows, details on the Bugle website.

Nila says, although I have the same reactions to your pun runs as Chris the producer and former Bugle host Johnny Shobis, I find myself requesting a very specific pun run.

You see, I was born in London to an Irish mother and a Pakistani father, making me half Irish, half Pakistani, and 100% British.

That's a solid 200%.

Solid 200%.

My sister and I were raised to support Ireland and Pakistan in international sporting events, as the two countries rarely met on the sports field.

Life was therefore simple.

We supported Pakistan in cricket and Ireland in rugby and football however as I'm sure you know Ireland have recently become a test cricket side which is unquestionably the most important thing to happen to Ireland this month whatever happens in the aforementioned referendum and life is suddenly much more complicated particularly as they played their first five-day test match against Pakistan So despite my better nature, I'm requesting that you do some sort of Ireland v Pakistan pun run at the live bugle show next month.

Consider that pun run commissioned.

Do not encourage him.

What are you all thinking?

Put a cork in it.

Oh, well, that's the first.

Andy's got a look on his face as if to say, well, that's line one.

Right, I mean, I don't know if that was

a pun as in Cork the Place in Ireland or Dominic Cork, the former England cricketer.

Could go either way.

Well, it looks like these puns are already Dublin.

Yep.

Don't fight, don't, don't.

You can't fight it, Nish.

I know, I can't fight it.

It's not a lot.

It'll sweep over you like a wave.

It's like a contagion.

So do come along to that

show on the 5th of June at London's Udder Udderbelly.

Details of all live shows at thebuglepodcast.com.

P.S.

F you, Chris.

F ⁇ you, Nila.

F ⁇ you.

Can I just say, for the record, I'm already dreading how Andy gets Lahore into this pun man.

Just for the record.

Sport, Nish.

You are the Bugle Sports correspondent.

And coming up this weekend is the Champions League final.

Yep, the Champions League final, in which, according to various people on Twitter, I will be playing.

Yes.

Due to

a similarity that has been pointed out to me by at least 600,000 people over the last 12 months, that I

bear a passing resemblance to Liverpool striker Mo Salah.

Yes.

To the extent that I always know when Mo Salah scored, because somebody tweets me and Mo Sala

saying, well done on scoring, mate.

And the thing is, Mo Salah has had an extraordinary season and he's one of the reasons why I think Liverpool are probably going to win.

I think that you know, this is a record-breaking goal-scoring season.

I think he scored the most goals in a 38-game Premier League season.

It's an extraordinary run, and you know, he's being celebrated, he's won all the Footballer of the Year awards here.

He's being celebrated as being a player on a par with Messi and Ronaldo.

And what I really enjoy is that throughout this kind of historic record-breaking season, there have just been points where he's just been sat there looking at his phone, going, Who the f is Nish Kumar?

And in other sports news,

somewhat depressing news, depressingly predictable news coming out of the National Football League in America, the NFL have announced a new policy to prevent players from protesting during the national anthem.

Teams will be fined.

If any player kneels on the field during the anthem, any player who refuses to stand will be allowed to remain in the locker room.

But yeah, if you do kneel, you are going to get fined.

And this is the thing with the National Football League that they don't understand.

You cannot stop the power of protest.

You're fighting against a movement that has defied empires here.

So it's not going to help.

And I have a suggestion.

A lot of people are suggesting that black players should simply go on strike.

I've got a better suggestion.

Go on the field, stand.

and fart through the entire national anthem.

Just absolutely unload.

And I'm sorry if that sounds disrespectful, but frankly, if the people in charge of American football are going to show scant regard for the basic values of the American Constitution, I see no reason why players should not be guffing their way through the national anthem.

It is time to take matters into their own hands and anuses.

And I mean there's a we also hear people saying sport and politics should not mix.

No.

You shouldn't.

That has it.

But if you were to say that, then you should also say sport and economics should not mix.

In which case the whole of the frontage of professional sport will collapse.

And also

this is particularly when it comes to international sports.

Oh, sport and politics should not mix.

When you are representing a country, that is already political.

That is unbelievably political yeah and also if you're that if sport and politics don't mix stop playing the fing national anthem at every fing game yes

anyway that brings us towards the end of uh this week's bugle thank you very much uh for listening don't forget to come to all of the live shows um with all of your friends and family uh details online nish and i will also be uh will be in edinburgh at the uh yeah doing the festival uh as will alice fraser and anuvab pal also there.

Yeah, I've got a tour on sale as well, which I need to promote due to the fact that my

promoter said, Can you do something other than one tweet about it?

So my tour tickets are on sale.

They're on my website, nishkumar.co.uk.

There's a chunk of them that are happening in September that are available now.

But before you all tweet me angrily, there will be more dates announced for

2019.

What year is it?

2018.

What year is it?

I'm like the the guy at the beginning of the Terminator.

Yeah, so there'll be more tour dates.

Also, for UK.

I think I might have said this before, but if I haven't, for people in the UK, the first series of the travel program that I've talked about quite extensively on the bugle is now available on Netflix in the UK.

It's called Joel and Ish vs.

the World, so you can see some of the stuff.

I mean, you can, if you see the Brazil episode and see what happens, and then in your head, realize that I was bugling less than 12 hours after I arrived back in the country,

You'll understand my commitment to this podcast.

Thank you very much for listening, buglers.

It's as we speak 118.50.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.