Bugle 4068 – Megotiations

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to Bugle issue 4068 covering the inaugural Bugle Live Tour of the United States, the first of hopefully many thousands such tours over coming years.

Over the past week, we've done shows in San Francisco, Portland and Seattle and you're about to hear the choicest morsels from all three of those shows, apart from the Seattle one which happens just a little bit too late to make the cut.

Thanks to all those who came along to those shows.

They feature me, my sister Helen, guest on stage Chris Martin Austwick who may be related to me by marriage and via the wonders of the internet the wonderful Alice Fraser in either Tokyo and or London depending on where she was at the time.

I do hope you enjoy the shows and don't forget there are many more Bugle live shows coming up over the next few months.

Do check out the website for details.

In the meantime, strap in, let's head stateside.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, San Francisco!

Correct response.

I do hope you're more specific than that when you go to see the doctor.

How are you feeling?

Boo!

So, welcome.

This is very exciting to be here

at Cobbs to do a live bugle show.

The first live bugle show here in America.

Has anyone been to a live bugle show anywhere else?

Yeah, one of you.

Great.

Spreading the global gospel.

There will be some breaking news.

I have a tablet here.

This is a high-tech show.

We are pushing the boundaries of my minimal technological capabilities tonight.

So I do hope you enjoy it.

This is the first time that the bugle has ever taken place live on the Americas.

Super little pair of continents you've got here.

Also the first time the bugle has ever taken place in California.

Yeah.

Easily my favorite caliphate.

Seems so much more relaxed than the other ones.

I don't know how you do it.

Maybe you could spread the word of it.

And also

also

the first time ever that the bugle has taken place in the vicinity of a major tectonic fault.

San Andreas, of course, the patron saint of unnecessary wobbling.

So, bearing in mind that we are so close to a major tectonic fault and the history of this place, please, could you keep your levels of sinful behaviour and unrighteous thought to a reasonable minimum so we can hopefully get through this show without incurring the rightful vengeance of an insulted lord.

So, because he got a bit stroppy last night, I understand there was an earthquake last night.

Yes, which was what, 3.5?

3.6 on the Richter scale.

Which, I'll just check my divine punishment chart for what level of sin could have provoked a 3.5 Richter scale earthquake.

Well, someone could have illegally streamed a new episode of a hit TV show.

It's that level of sin, like celebrity Stockholm Syndrome or the new must-see series CSI Oval Office.

We are here today in Oregon.

The state named one single cheer for Oregon, that we're going to say.

The state, of course, named after the shape of a hipster's beard, the Oregon.

So it is today, Tuesday, the 15th of May, 2018.

So you there are cheering the 132nd anniversary of the death of Emily Dickinson in 1886.

You're glad she's dead from that response, a bit misogynistic.

Also, it is the 482nd anniversary of the day that English king and rough breakup specialist Henry VIII

swiped down on his second wife Anne Boleyn.

She was He was a man ahead of his time, many ways.

Sentenced to death on this day in 1536 much to your evident delight San Francisco or perhaps you were cheering the 766th anniversary of the issuing of a papal bull by Pope Innocent the IV authorizing the torture of heretics which again you see you're fine with this

you off sorry

wow my goodness me I don't know if you heard this He said, we're also limiting the torture of heretics.

Now, to be honest, I don't know if you are aware of the way I research the historical facts in the bugle.

It is very much a first paragraph of Wikipedia level of research.

And I'm not usually relying on someone having an intricate knowledge of

the fact that

a papal bull from the 13th century not only allowed but also prescribed the use of torture.

How the f did you know that?

It's the second paragraph.

Why were you looking at that page?

Are you from Russia?

Are you tracking everything I do on the the internet?

Why were you looking at this?

I've listened to your show before.

You listened to my show before and what you thought you'd check out the anniversaries for yourself.

Let me do my job, man.

Do not bring facts to a live bugle show.

Security.

Also,

you've set the bar very fing high for this audience.

So.

It's the birthday of Pierre Curie too.

It's the birthday of Pierre Curie as well.

Oh, well, thank you, go.

Why don't you just get up on the stage and do the fing show?

Support for the bugle is brought to you by Simply Safe, home security done right, which is incredibly frustrating for me having spent most of the last 10 years as a secret cat burglar.

I have a lot of cats.

I mean, it's a really a bad line of burglary to get into.

Why don't I go for jewels?

Anyway, here are my main issues.

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That is simplysafe.com/slash bugle.

Now, as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in a bin!

Correct!

The bin man, the bin!

The guy who was nearly American left the show two years ago.

It's a bin.

It's a bin

In the bin this week, we have a personal finance section, and we give you...

Oh, no, no, it's gone too far.

I'll go back to that.

I'm still learning PowerPoint.

I've had a lot of fun with it,

but I'm by no means a master of the art.

So,

right.

Screw that.

Anyway, we address the burning issue.

That's going to be a bit weird for anyone listening to the recording of this.

Well, we advise you on the burning issue in American personal finance today.

What should you do with your spare $130,000?

Which I know is a very big issue in American money today.

Various options.

You could hire the star quarterback Tom Brady at his current going rate.

Now, $130,000 would get you two working afternoons of Brady, and you could just ask him to throw stuff really accurately around your home and garden.

You could feed 32,000 starving children in an African famine zone for a week for $130,000, $4 per child, which is quite a bargain, really.

Or for the same price, you could just feed one child for 615 years

just to see how large you could make it grow.

You could buy $40,000 $3 boxes of Cheez-Its and have enough for a luxury coffin for after you attempt to eat them all in one sitting.

You could invest wisely in

a future-proof industry.

In particular, invest in drama schools.

Because I think this is the future of education.

You're looking at the way that the world is changing.

I don't know, I'm massively pessimistic about the future.

Welcome to the show.

And the way technology is changing the future jobs market, drama schools are going to be the biggest growth industry of the next 20 years, because that is the one skill that children of my kids' generation are going to need.

They're going to all need to be drama students, because the one prime workplace skill they're going to need is the ability to pretend that they are living happy and fulfilled lives and own their own home.

Yes, you're right, that is probably the most depressing joke I've ever written, but probably needs a stronger punchline.

Or alternatively, with your $130,000, you could pay someone you definitely did not put your penis in

to not say whether or not you had or had not put your penis in them.

That is the best way to spend that money.

So, um, so before we uh we crack, are you are you enjoying the Trump years?

Do we have any Trump fans in?

Well who would have thought it?

And I mean it's all relative isn't it?

I mean who thinks he's the worst thing in the world right now?

See I'm not sure he's the worst thing is it is he worse than Islamic State?

I would say no

but we really should be setting the bar a little bit higher than that.

There are certain levels of behavioural expectation that come with being, for example, president of the United States that do not come for example with being a terrorist franchise when a certain level of naughtiness is kind of de rigueur.

It's like if you have a six-year-old child and they sit down at a piano and they say mummy, daddy, listen to this and they plink out with one finger a just-about-passable rendition of Old MacDonald had a farm.

Then you encourage them and you congratulate them and you applaud them.

If, however, you go to see the great pianist Daniel Barrenboim at one of the great concert halls of the world and he does exactly the same thing,

then you stand on your chair and you call him a c.

It's time now to meet our bugle co-hosts for the season.

Now, first, before we meet the bugle co-host, we have a guest on stage, Chris, today.

Chris!

F you, Chris.

Yeah, well, this is exactly why he doesn't come to these gigs because of people like you.

You have ruined him.

He can barely step outside a recording studio these days.

So it's a great pleasure to welcome our stand-in Chris for today.

You may know him from Archer Me This podcast and song by song.

Please give it up for Martin the Soundman.

Here he is.

Welcome, Martin.

Today is International Day of Families.

And Martin, as some of you may know, is my brother-in-law.

And so to mark International Day of Families, we will be giving away a free brother-in-law at the end of the show.

Sorry, I should have run that past you before, shouldn't I?

Right, so let's play Guest the Bugle co-host.

There is a bit of a clue sitting on stage.

But let's go through it.

And here we're going to give you four facts to see if you can guess the Bugle co-host based on the following facts.

No, you've got to wait.

Can't interrupt.

Can't interrupt with your answer.

Fact one, she was bitten by a radioactive dictionary as a child and became obsessed with words.

Fact two, she's an international fugitive.

She has been to how many countries have you been to in the last eight months?

Like a dozen.

Yeah, I mean, it looks fing dodgy, to be honest.

I mean,

you might just say it's a nice extended working holiday, but it looks fing dodgy.

Fact three, she's immune to sports.

And this is a lasting tragedy.

Sport clearly is the greatest thing.

Are you sports fans?

Who here?

Hands up if you're not a sports fan.

What the f are you losers doing with your lives?

You are such a disappointment to me.

and uh fact four she used to live in the same womb that uh I lived in I did a I did a nine-month stretch there back in 74 dark times literally dark times so can you guess who it is

Helen Saltzman

Hello buglers.

He used to do that every time I wanted to enter a room.

Helen, how have you been celebrating International Day of Families?

I've been looking into getting adopted by a different family.

Right.

Give away a free sister as well at the end of the gig as well.

Just anyone, as long as I don't have to wear your hand-me-downs for the first 10 years.

Why did you stop?

Oh, you haven't stopped, actually.

Got it out of the dressing-up box.

Right, now our second guest, and this is a hugely exciting moment for the bugle, a historic moment.

We are about to do something that is going to blow your

minds.

This is,

I mean, here in the city of technology, we're going to do something that is really even beyond the bounds of the wondrous worldwide witchcraft of the 21st century.

Who here works in tech?

Literally, all of you, okay, all of you.

Yes, no one else could afford the 50-mile journey in from where they now live because of you f ⁇ ers.

I mean, a lot of tech is wonderful, don't get me wrong.

Not all of it, though.

Some of it's unnecessary.

The Apple Watch, for example, is both.

It's both wonderful and un.

Does anyone here have an Apple Watch?

Yes, quite a few of you.

Now, no one needs an Apple Watch.

Now,

did you need that watch?

You didn't need it.

Absolutely no one needed it.

And if you do have an Apple Watch now or at any point in the future, there will come a moment in your lives at some point in your life when you're lying on your deathbed and hopefully many many decades to come and the very last conscious thought that goes through your mind is

i didn't need that apple watch

i think it's a bit hypocritical of somebody who buys a lot of victorian teddy bears on ebay i bought one helen I know that is technically a lot, but it's a one.

Who were its friends then?

I'm punishing it for all the things Britain did wrong during our imperial phase.

But this is a truly

historic moment because we are now going through the

internet.

We are going all the way to the woman whom flamingos fear.

Live

from Tokyo, Japan.

It's Alice Fraser!

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Bugles.

How are you?

Well, I can't believe this has worked.

Alice, how's Japan?

Tiny.

Tiny?

Or tidy.

Both.

Both.

So this is, I mean, this is a truly historic moment.

Did you know, Helen, this is the first time in the history of showbiz.

That a webinar has happened in a comedy club.

It's almost that.

I was going to say that a brother-sister combination from the United Kingdom on stage in San Francisco have linked up with an Australian comedian in Japan.

Feel the history, San Francisco!

You don't have very much of it, so you need stuff like this.

Right, I think we're ready for our top story, Martin.

We need a full sting.

Now, this...

This is what Martin brings that Chris does not bring.

He brings electronic aversions of bugle stings, and the look in his face as he plays them is the single purest look of delight you will ever see on the front of a human head.

Come on, Andy, I've seen you doing a pun run.

I think it's even beyond that.

That's not pure delight, that is very much adulterated with sin.

Top story this week, and the world is about to end again.

This is part

part 65 of the world is about to end in Bugle History.

Who is confident that the world will last more than another year?

Who reckons we've entered the end times?

There we go, we'll take that.

That's

better than average.

And have you been enjoying the Middle East crisis?

No, it's, yeah, who frankly is shitting themselves on a daily basis?

Yeah, that's right.

It's terrifying.

It's terrifying times.

Korea, uh uh today the North have just pulled out of uh talks with the uh the South.

I don't know if that puts Donald Trump's uh

scheduled Nobel Prize

in

in doubt.

I mean uh that's uh it does I mean the idea that Trump could get a Nobel Peace Prize, I know they've bandied in the mats some pretty f ⁇ ing weird people over the years, America, um but it's slightly reminiscent of when in 1976 Jaws, the renowned shark, tripped over his tripped over his fin at a Hollywood premiere of the drama documentary about his life, in which he, of course, played himself and landed snout first in a bowl of guacamole and ended up winning

Vegetarian of the Year.

So Alice,

you are our official career correspondent.

What can you bring?

I mean you've basically moved to be within touching distance of any massive nuclear war in Korea.

What's going on there?

Well, there's growing speculation ahead of the historic summit between Trump and Kim Jong-un, which is planned for June the 12th in Singapore.

Of course, the two leaders are expected to discuss the denuclearisation of the Korean peninsula, but more importantly, they will have to shake hands

for the cameras multiple times.

Given that Kim Jong-un wore high-heeled boots to shake hands with his South Korean counterpart, how will he handle the massive height difference between him and Trump?

Is it drag queen heels?

But you've got to counterbalance both the height differential and Trump's tendency to treat a handshake like the beginning of a foot-loose dance montage where he's sweeping someone into a twirl.

So, I mean, what would uh, Helen, what yeah, you're an expert not on etymology, only on etymology, but also on the art of the uh the formal greeting between world leaders.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, what's uh

what would be uh well, you're the fountain of all wisdom for f's sake.

Um uh what's I mean what would be your advice on meeting either of those two men?

Well I would suggest to Kim that he attempts the ancient Greek style of supplication where you kneel down grab the other person around the knees and then pull on their beard But in Trump's case the extra long tie should be within easy reach

Do you know if you pull really hard on this tie his tongue comes out?

And then squirts water out of his ears.

I mean but what what what I mean what what happens if it works?

What happens if

it's sort of the it's not so much negotiations as megotiations,

as far as I can work.

What if it works?

I mean, is this the future of humanity, kind of diplomacy, rather than the

that word is ruder in American than in England, Nandy?

I know.

Don't worry, I've been here before and I've thought about it, and it stands.

Because to me,

to me, Donald Trump thus far in his presidency has been an inverse Russian doll of

in that every time you think he's reached his limit, out pops an even bigger

that's Russian as well.

Join the f ⁇ ing Dutch people, it's Russian!

It's really putting the knob into Nobel Prize.

Oh, I knew I'd drag you down to my level at some point, Helen.

This is for a time.

Well, the thing is, you know, it's very important, particularly in the Asian region, to have your kind of etiquette down pat.

And I don't think Trump does that.

I think if he goes in there and starts kicking doors down the way he does it's going to be Korea suicide.

Oh come on that deserved more for effort if not achievement.

Help me I'm outnumbered.

Well I don't see your husband jumping to your defense with an anti-pun.

You're a doctor of physics.

Is it possible to create, if they're, you know, if you can have matter and anti-matter, can you have pun and anti-pun?

Yeah?

Good, right, okay.

I'm glad we're clear.

HT, also, one of the reasons we've got Martin here today, it's the 400th anniversary of Kepler launching his third law of what was it, planetary

motion.

Planetary motion.

There you go.

That's it.

Thank you.

Who knows?

I feel like the audience is really far more qualified than you to do this gig tonight.

Don't worry, Helen.

I've had 18 years of practice with that.

I've seen it.

Elsewhere in impending Armageddon news, yeah, things.

Well, Trump pulled out of the the Iran deal.

Who who was that the right call?

No, as a result of which all manner of shit has broken loose.

And well in in in the Middle East things have crossed that that skirting that fine line between

well the teething troubles you get when you open any new embassy and massive crimes against humanity.

It's a very very delicate

delicate balance.

And I guess it's in some ways it's a question of timing because intrinsically intrinsically, America opening an embassy in Jerusalem is not a bad thing.

It's just a matter of it being a bit too early.

I see it very much like going to a child's christening and giving them a book entitled How to Enjoy Great Sex After Menopause.

At the right time, it's actually probably quite a nice gesture.

Alice, anything more to bring some light to the Middle East situation before we move on?

Well, I'm not wearing any pants and

what else?

No, look, when I'm worried about the risk of all-out nuclear war, serious political coverage of serious political issues becoming too dauntingly dense or complex, I tend to turn to tabloid press coverage.

For example, the Daily Star's take on Trump and Iran's nuclear solution, where the headline reads, all caps mapped World War III on brink in Middle East as Trump acts as Iran-Nukab deal.

And I don't know what they mean on the brink of,

but they call Trump the billionaire instead of the president.

And the map is just Facebook profile pics of all the world leaders sort of digitally cut out and pasted onto a map, which is itself digitally cut out and digitally pasted over a background of roiling flames, the like of which haven't been seen since the teenage early 2000s.

MySpace heavy metal fans had full reign over the aesthetic temperament of their own personal web pages.

Say what you like about Facebook's crippling clawhold over the private information of its members, at least they don't let 15-year-olds choose their own fonts and backgrounds.

Alas, the note of hope in this troubled, troubled world.

Spike Lee, who I think it's fair to say is not a massive fan of Donald Trump,

told the world to wake up.

I would say the opposite.

I would say to the world, get some fing sleep.

You are losing your mind.

Just book three weeks off, have some fing lions, and give up coffee.

There's been some other nuke-related news, Helen.

Yes, Idaho State University has mislaid a very small amount of weapons-grade plutonium.

Well, those are not the three words you want to hear on the end of that sentence.

I mean, what is your preference in that circumstance?

John Bon Jovi.

I'm not saying he deserves to be lost.

I'm saying that will be better than losing weapons grade plutonium.

They last had it about 15 years ago and

then just lost sight of it and then this week are getting an $8,500 fine for that owing to it being weapons grade plutonium.

But it is safe because they triple bagged it before they lost it.

Sleep easy tonight.

Do you not think they should have looked for it before 15 years had passed?

I mean, I guess it's not one of the things that you notice necessarily losing, unless...

I think I would.

Right.

I just.

I've lost many things in my time, but none of them things that you could make a nuclear weapon out of.

But then things do get lost behind the couch, so they could look in there first, but they didn't.

Just not motivated.

To mark this occasion, we are holding a weapons-grade plutonium amnesty at today's live bugle.

So if any of you are packing any weapons-grade plutonium with you, please hand it in to Helen at the end of the gig.

She will make it safe by looking at it and turning it into a podcast.

It's just what she does, she just can't help it.

She's the king Midas of online audio.

But just the other day, she looked at an old woman at a bus stop.

The old woman disappeared, and Helen walked off with a 35-minute MP3 file.

Truly sensational.

We have

Squarespace abs.

We have some breaking news just coming through.

The latest in the celebrity sex pestilence stories.

The retired former ancient Greek god Zeus

has just become the latest high-profile celeb to be charged with historic sex offences.

Yeah, the coming police in Athens, searching a library, discovered a collection of what they describe as highly incriminating myths

a classic pattern of behavior, an overpowerful, entitled male abusing his position of influence.

He disgraced former king of Olympus and one-time god of thunder.

He was denied bail after turning himself into a pint of beer and pouring himself down the stenographer's blouse.

So

do you know, I'm not sure anyone's ever laughed like that in Japan before.

Just be easy and remix of laughter.

Also, I've got Breitbart up.

Have you got any Breitbart fans in?

Alright, I've misread the vibe of this gig.

Big time.

And they've got some fantastic new articles

on Breitbart, including this, just come out today.

If I'm not allowed to scream you're a fing bitch at a baby in a shopping mall, just because it might be female, then gay people shouldn't be allowed to buy cars.

Classic outright stuff.

And

if immigrants and women are as great as the snowflakes say, how come American male man Neil Armstrong was the first thing on the moon?

And

why does the mainstream media keep lying to us about spiders having legs?

None of the ones in our collection do anymore.

So

classic stuff from Brightpot there.

It's time now for a bugle feature section.

And everyone's favourite relic of medieval feudalism, the British monarchy, is having another wedding.

That's right.

Everything else in the world is of no relevance anymore, Helen.

You are our official royal wedding correspondent for the bugle.

That's right.

In three days, seven hours, four minutes, and 35 seconds, the only royal anyone would swipe right on is getting hitched to your home team, America.

Are you excited?

Why?

It makes no sense that a family elected by God is in a position of power.

And also, she is marrying

into a very racist bunch.

And

I worry for her.

But it's alright, she's used to having shit relatives because all of hers are cashing in.

Her nephew is growing a special strain of royal wedding-themed marijuana

Markle Sparkle.

Which he says is

unique and classy like my aunt aunt, and guaranteed to blow anyone's crown off.

And you'll also be pleased to know that KFC on the day will be selling limited edition bone china buckets

of shit that Andy will be buying off eBay in 20 years.

Sort of faintly ironized intent.

And Velveeta has limited edition crown-shaped mac and cheese.

Oh, you're excited about that, aren't you?

No wonder you're like, oh, winning me!

Crown bastard!

Dunkin' Donuts has royal wedding doughnuts.

Well, what marks out a royal wedding donut from a regular donut?

It costs the taxpayer a lot more.

Well, yeah, that's interesting.

Is Meghan Markle going to get her own little anthem?

Does she get...

Because it's all done, it's done by grading, isn't it?

And the Queen gets the full whack.

She must have a terrible earworm of that, don't you think?

Just, every time she opens a fing door, someone plays her theme song.

She must be waiting for the merciful claw of the Reaper.

And yet, ironically, every time someone sings it, it makes it less likely to happen.

Because

God saved her.

We need to update our anthem.

I know your anthem is fundamentally about kicking the shit out of us British people.

It's fair.

But it is to a tune that originated as a British drinking song.

So

do you think it should be changed to old age should take our queen?

Well, I just think we are currently appealing to a deity that, as you said, the vast majority of people in Britain no longer believe in to save a woman who already has the best medical care and security detail money can possibly buy.

These are wasted words, Helen.

If only we'd been singing God save our industrial sector, then things might be...

Brexit might not have happened.

I blame the Queen.

But fundamentally, Meghan Markle is marrying into the British royal family.

And who would like the monarchy back?

You can keep her.

We can keep her, right?

Because, okay, let me put it this way.

Who would you rather have in charge?

The Queen or Donald Trump?

The Queen, that's right.

Everyone would take the Queen.

She's one of the most popular political figures in the world because she's a very shrewd operator, the Queen.

And she has great hats.

She has great hats.

And she's very, very...

cleverly been constitutionally barred from saying or doing anything for the entire 66 years of her reign.

The only because she's very well aware that it's when politicians say and do stuff that people get annoyed with them.

So the only thing she does is the wave, the famous royal wave.

Now, do you know the origin of the royal wave, Helen?

Pray tell.

It goes back to the.

You probably know this.

You're Wikipedia-bothering weirdo.

That was a bit of rich coming from me.

The origin of the famous Royal Wave.

I'm sure you're aware of.

The Royal Wave.

The origin of it is the Queen had

a job during the war.

She did a lot for the war effort when she was a trainee queen, or princess, as they know.

And

she had this job

where she had to collect semen samples off sleeping badgers.

And

that's the origin of the Royal Wave.

Because the thing is, you had to extract the sample whilst the badger was asleep, otherwise, it became too oxidated and therefore less aerodynamic.

And they used it to

coat the propellers on the Spitfires.

Is that treason?

Fact.

No, it's truth.

Truth.

Okay, truth or treason.

New TV game show.

Winner gets beheaded.

Also, when it comes to the royal wedding, there's been some controversy that 1,200, quotes, ordinary people who've been hand-selected to be guests have been told to bring their own food.

to the royal wedding.

Now, bearing in mind, they can presumably look at Harry as he's walking down the aisle and think to themselves, your granny's face is on my banknotes.

Give me a

sandwich!

The Australian government is going to give them a present, and everyone's excited about what the present's going to be.

Right.

And what's that likely to be?

A small.

Well, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull refused to say what it was.

He said, We can't reveal it yet, but it is very Australian and appeals to their interests,

which is 100% what I say when I haven't bought someone a present.

Also, I want very Australian and appeals to your interest as my new Twitter bio.

Is it a vintage t-shirt of Kylie Minogue?

I mean, it's sensational.

That is.

You really toned down the joy there.

I think your bullying had an effect.

I mean,

the look on his face must be like the first time Beethoven sat down and wrote a sonata.

It's unbelievable.

It's a moment for music.

Just a quick word for our charity partners here in the Bay Area, a special Bay Area charity, Mermaid, which is raising awareness of the harrowing reality of mermaid life.

Because mermaids get a lot of publicity in films, but you might have noticed that generally only young mermaids,

because the reality of mermaid life is that there is an insurmountable difference in life expectancy between the top half and the bottom half.

And

there's really no way to paper over those cracks, so please give generously.

Also,

mermaid sushi can fetch up to $130,000 a kilo.

Andy, did you know that I am half mermaid, half human?

But the mermaid half is the human half of the mermaid.

So

essentially 100% human, but I have a deep spiritual affinity for the television show SeQuest DSV.

Well, there you go, bugles.

That is the first SeQuest DSV reference in the entire history of the music.

That is what Johnny Shopis, whose picture is over there, did not bring to this show.

Are there mermaids which are the other way round?

Like fish head with human legs?

If not, why did those not take off?

Don't answer, I can think of about ten reasons already.

Everyone just wants the mermaid for the boobs, right?

Not the knees.

It's now the Bugle regrets section.

Helen, you are the Bugle's regretting correspondent.

Yes, this week United Airlines was regretting, saying that they were going to no longer serve tomato juice on flights

And passenger, yeah, tomato juice, if you don't understand what I'm talking about.

No, it's

it's not, it's potato juice.

And passengers were fing livid because, as we all know, as soon as you get into the sky, you want to drink something that looks and tastes like blood.

And so within days, United renewed on that decision.

So you can take heart because protest works.

Resist!

Of course, hardcore believers in aviation believe that tomato juice on a plane merely represents the blood of Orville and Wilbur Wright

whereas others claim that above 10,000 feet it actually becomes the actual blood of the Wright brothers but each to their own as long as you don't start a war over it but

looking forward to the forthcoming movie Tomato Juice on a Plane

I've had it with this lack of motherfucking tomato juice on this motherfucking drinks trolley on this motherfucking plane

sorry sir this is a British Airways flight.

Could I perhaps interest you in a snake?

Other regrets?

Other regrets, the Christopher Columbus High School in Florida, who held their prom, which was jungle-themed, and so they invited a live tiger.

And

it's alright, they kept it in a cage, a small cage in the middle of the dance floor.

But guess what?

Tigers don't enjoy flashing lights and EDM

and being surrounded by teenagers taking selfies.

So it started hurling itself against the bars of the cage, and people suddenly thought, oh, maybe this was animal cruelty.

Congratulations on finishing high school, though.

And now they're being investigated by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

I hope they send someone from the wildlife branch rather than the fish branch of that.

That's, I mean, I guess there were options.

I mean, they didn't have to get the live tiger.

They could have got a pantomime tiger.

You know, two people

in a tiger outfit.

They could have got a stuffed tiger.

They could have got a regular stripey house cat and stood it behind a massive prism.

Or they could have, of course, got no tiger.

That is an option.

That is an option.

One more

regret.

A mother trying to commemorate

her love for her children.

Yes, a mother in Sweden had her children's names tattooed on her arm and then discovered afterwards that the tattoo artist had misspelt her son Kevin's name as Kelvin.

But because she does not want to live with regret, she has decided to legally change her son's name to Kelvin.

Well, Kelly, it's a hot name.

She's really brought her A game today.

I mean, it's very...

To deliver a joke like that at a range of, what, about 10,000 miles, that's f ⁇ ing impressive.

It's quite hard to understand quite how

widespread tattooing has become.

Who here has it?

Give me a cheer if you have a tattoo.

Loads people have a tattoo.

I saw an amazing tattoo just down the street here in Alberta.

Someone had a turnip on the back of their head.

That is not a tattoo, that is a lost bet.

It's amazing how

quickly this is changed, because even just a single generation ago, parents still had the ability to remember the names of all of their children without having them indelibly inscribed on their arms.

Happy birthday.

Ah, shit, it's gone.

Debbie, there we go, love you.

I don't know if you actually check with our father whether he can remember what our names are.

He remembers the dog's names, that's the important thing.

Quick bit of breaking news, in fact, coming through from Britain now, Brexit breaking news.

A compromise has been reached on Brexit.

One week on, one week off.

Right,

we're on to the other news section now.

I've got too many bits of paper everywhere.

Alice, anything else to tell us about from either Australia or Japan or anywhere else?

We have Hillary Clinton speaking out about China influencing Australia, if you're interested in that.

Yeah, well, that's enough.

And I mean,

are you worried about it as an Australian?

Well, I wasn't.

And then Hillary Clinton, former US Secretary of State, warned Australia to be wary of Chinese interference in domestic political decision-making.

She said, I think Australians need to be for Australians, Americans need to be for Americans.

And whether it's Russia in a secret way interfering with our election or the Chinese looking to try and influence policy, we should say no, she told an Australian current affairs show, thereby being an American using the media to influence Australian policymaking.

I don't care what side of the political aisle you might be on in either Australia or the United States.

We have an interest in making sure that decisions that are made by our governments are not the results of some kind of influence peddling by a foreign power, says the foreign politician peddling her influence in a speaking tour around Australia.

Strap in people.

I'm afraid some of you who've seen me here before might have heard some versions of these.

So, right, okay.

So, it's great to be here in California.

I can see how long Helen can last on stage and not in tears.

Right, someone put a clock on it, right.

He used to surf a lot, made from California, but he wasn't very good at it, though he talked himself up.

He once entered a competition, but he had a big crash, flipped off his board, flew through the air, and landed face first on the beach.

Oh, he's going to have a bruised ego.

My other friend said to him, not just bruised, I said, I think he's going to have have a sandy ego, too.

He was very bitter, claimed the whole thing was unfair because he had to surf in more difficult conditions than everyone else.

He complained for hours.

He had a real long bitch about it.

He couldn't take it well.

He hit the bottle, he got very drunk, saw he'd never go to the beach again.

I tried to persuade him otherwise.

Go on, buddy, just one more time.

He was absolutely hammered by that and was slurring his words.

I'd like to be yes.

I'm afraid, no.

His life fell apart.

He had to sell everything he owned, including his precious collection of board games.

He sent one to each country in Europe.

He sent Britain his chess, he sent Germany his backgammon.

And where did he send that Chinese game of his?

Oh yeah, he sent France's go.

Send Francisco to send it.

Right.

But he kept one of the things he did keep was this strange wooden pole.

I can't sell that, he said.

Why?

I asked.

Oh, it reminds me of when I saw a fertility doctor who cured my impotence by smashing me in the balls with this giant ancient phallus.

It's my Sacram memento.

Oh, Lordy.

I am a 43-year-old father of two.

This is my job.

Things went from bad to worse.

He joined this bizarre right-wing racist group that used to dress in these pointy hats with eye holes made of wood, the Oak Clan.

No, that is the correct response.

Anyway, my mate started.

He started putting his life back together eventually.

He got into history, politics, once got his 10 best friends to vote on their favourite ever Israeli leaders out of a list of former presidents and prime ministers.

The top four in order were Robin, Rabin, Mir, Perez, and Herzog.

If I remember rightly, the votes were cast as follows: four Yitzhaks, three Golders, two Shimones, and a Chaim.

And a Chaim.

Oh, Anakaim.

I mean,

just

give me something for the effort, if not the achievement.

You brought this on yourselves.

Anyway,

he eventually turned to music.

He wrote an album about bereavement and how much he loves jams and preserves.

It was called Los Angeles.

That's pretty good, that's a good one.

Thank you, Martin.

Thank you.

Anything we're building, he's on board with.

Right.

That's done.

I'm ending there.

I'm ending there for the sake.

Right.

Why do you reward bad behaviour?

Can we get the video screen back on, please?

Just so we can all say goodbye to Alice.

There we go.

Alice Fraser, ladies and gentlemen.

The wonderful Alice Fraser.

Alice, you've got a new podcast.

I do have a new podcast.

It was produced by the original producer of the Bugle, Tom Wright, and it is on the ABC in Australia or on any of your podcast channels.

It's called Troll Play.

And it's where we take the manure of the internet and turn it into the flowers of joy.

Do listen to that and listen to Helen's illusionistan.

Answer me this.

Any thanks.

Helen Zaltzman, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

37 times Zoltzmann Sister of the Year.

I'm 38 now.

What happened in 1998?

I think our dog Tash won it one year.

You had a bad year.

Give it up for Martin!

Thanks to Cobbs for having us, being so helpful setting up and everything.

Please get up for all the venue staff here.

We've helped out tonight.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.