Bonus Bugle – Andy on tour

Speaker 1 The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Speaker 2 Hello Buglers, welcome to Bugle 4067 sub-episode A for American Tour Audio Diary.

Speaker 7 There is no full bugle this week, but we do have an exclusive peek behind the scenes on the just completed Radiotopia Live East Coast Tour.

Speaker 7 Thanks to all buglers who came to those shows and thanks to those of you who will be coming to the forthcoming shows starting this week in San Francisco on Tuesday the 15th, Portland on Thursday the 17th and Seattle on Saturday the 19th.

Speaker 2 Thereafter several shows in Britain through the summer.

Speaker 7 Clearly the last 10 days have had their fair share of news, what with Mr Trump continuing to be the Kalashnikov-wielding bull strafing the China shop of international relations.

Speaker 3 Then we've got Israel and Iran having a cheeky little bading badong in Syria, just as the ordinary people of Syria were presumably thinking, well it's getting a bit dull round here.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what we could do with our two most powerful neighbours trying to start a war with each other on our land. We've had it too good, too long.

Speaker 2 But fortunately for the Bugle, as a British origin podcast, nothing else matters right now, because a royal Princelicious beweddling is coming to save the universe.

Speaker 2 Who gives a shit about all the other shit?

Speaker 4 When we're about to add a new princess to our roster of magic spangly-hatted ladies.

Speaker 10 It's royal wedding time next Saturday.

Speaker 6 News can snooze.

Speaker 7 The government's fumbling through the thorny maze of Brexit to make sure we can find just the right bullets and guns with which to shoot ourselves in the foot in accordance with the will of the people trademark.

Speaker 6 They are of no matter.

Speaker 4 Are you worried about America provocatalising the Middle East by moving its embassy to Jerusalem?

Speaker 2 Well as the old saying goes, if you're gonna f ⁇ a bee's nest, you might as well coat your plunker in honey.

Speaker 1 Is that the right one?

Speaker 4 Well the point is it doesn't matter anymore because the wedding is coming to save us all. Maybe they'll even have royal babies.

Speaker 10 Anything that knocks Boris Johnson even further down the succession charts is absolutely fine by me.

Speaker 10 He's currently only a medium to high level nuclear catastrophe away from it and with the way the world is now you can never be too careful these days.

Speaker 10 Sure I'm taking a hit to my own monarchy ambitions but it's not about me.

Speaker 14 It's about what's good for Britain and good for the world.

Speaker 8 Anyway later in the show to mark the impending royal nuptials which we will cover in full on next week's bugle we will look back into our archives to the last time one of Prince Charles's two sons married, way back in 2011.

Speaker 10 But first, it's time to give you a little taste of life on the road with my fellow Radiotopians with my universe-exclusive Radiotopia Live 2018 audio tour diary, narrated by friend of the show, Jervil Wenge.

Speaker 12 Here's part one, covering the first three days of the tour.

Speaker 15 The Radiotopia Live East Coast Tour 2018.

Speaker 16 The showbiz event of this or any other millennium.

Speaker 16 The universe's leading podcastic minds have been brought together for six shows that will surely come to be viewed as one of the great landmarks in human creativity.

Speaker 17 Alongside Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling, the music of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Test Match Cricket, and the Chicken Nugget.

Speaker 1 The tour begins.

Speaker 17 The Radiotopia private jet lands in Atlanta, Georgia.

Speaker 17 Welcome to Atlanta, Georgia, where we have just landed.

Speaker 17 This you've been told.

Speaker 15 On the tarmac, a crowd of podcast fans is waiting expectantly.

Speaker 15 Andy Zaltzman is from the Bugle podcast.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's like this everywhere you go as a podcaster these days. It does get intrusive, but you just have to learn to live with it.

Speaker 17 It's 30 minutes to curtain up time, showtime. Team Captain Roman Mars from the 99% Invisible podcast, founder of the Radiotopia Network, wants to make sure this show goes well.

Speaker 17 As you would know if you've ever read or heard his name, he is a notorious worshipper of ancient deities.

Speaker 15 Roman really wants this tour to start strongly, so he is calling upon the great god Jupiter to grant us a good show in Atlanta tonight, and to that end, he is sacrificing 100 head of oxen.

Speaker 16 Day 2.

Speaker 17 The Radiotopia Tourbus.

Speaker 17 Inside, everyone is settling down for the long drive to Durham, North Carolina. After an emotionally and physically draining first show in the grand finale, a daring and it must be said,

Speaker 17 strikingly risque cabaret-inspired motorcycle pyramid, ended in what can only be described as a significant incident with the front five rows of the crowd.

Speaker 17 The tech team have gone on ahead to install a protective moat in the theatre in Durham. But for the podcasters, it's time to hit the road.

Speaker 17 Bus driver Juan Pablo Montoya, two-time winner of the Indianapolis 500, former star of Formula One and IndyCar Racing, has been hired to ensure rapid transit between the venues.

Speaker 11 It is a great honor to be driving so many of my favorite podcasters around.

Speaker 2 I am going to drive especially quickly as a mark of my respect for their work.

Speaker 1 It is now two hours into the journey, Andy Zoltman is getting bored.

Speaker 2 We've been on the road for 121 minutes now.

Speaker 18 I'm going to have a look to see what's going on in the back section of the tour bus.

Speaker 18 Well, this is inevitably what happens when you let podcasters out of the studio.

Speaker 18 There's just no way around it.

Speaker 1 It's now been five hours on the road, and even for a driver as experienced and Colombian as Juan Pablo Montoya, concentration can be hard with a bus full of podcast stars.

Speaker 6 Can everyone please keep a little bit quieter?

Speaker 1 And for heaven's sake, put some clothes on.

Speaker 20 Support for the bugle is brought to you by Simply Safe, home security done right, which is incredibly frustrating for me having spent most of the last 10 years as a secret cat burglar.

Speaker 13 A lot of cats.

Speaker 20 Simply Safe is really discreet and hard to notice, adding hours to my cat-stealing planning. Windows and doors are comprehensively protected.
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Speaker 20 SimplySafe's power backups mean I can't even take take you off the grid to execute my master plan. Learn more about how SimplySafe can help protect your home and your cat.

Speaker 20 Go to simply safe.com slash bugle. That is simplysafe.com slash bugle.

Speaker 17 Day three,

Speaker 17 Washington, D.C., capital of the United States. The Radiotopia squad goes to the official tour function and receives a special welcome.

Speaker 13 Hello, everybody.

Speaker 21 From Ray. Dioto Pierb.

Speaker 21 I want to begin by saying it's my pleasure to welcome so many great podcasters to the White House as we prepare for this truly historic Ray Dioto Pierbalife show.

Speaker 1 And I want to thank in particular

Speaker 21 man Mars from 99%

Speaker 22 Convincible.

Speaker 16 Thank you

Speaker 10 for being here. That's a great honor.
Thank you.

Speaker 21 Good podcasters.

Speaker 21 I love podcasts. I listen to them literally all the time.

Speaker 21 In fact, a lot of the Deotopier podcasts are right

Speaker 21 alley almost as if they were made just for me.

Speaker 21 Like the collusionists. 99%

Speaker 22 people

Speaker 21 in the selective memory of Palestine.

Speaker 9 And of course, criminal.

Speaker 21 Most of the American people hope that one day soon they will do the whole episode. Dead of criminals just about me.

Speaker 21 I like the entire radio to

Speaker 21 stable podcasts.

Speaker 21 The part from the bugle, which is a huge pile of ship.

Speaker 21 So much of it was false. I consider it a work of fiction.
And I think it's a disgrace that somebody's able to do something like that.

Speaker 22 Have

Speaker 22 Zaults.

Speaker 21 She's terrific.

Speaker 22 But Andy Zasalt

Speaker 21 is a complete fuck.

Speaker 12 Well there you go. What a sensational week that was.

Speaker 13 Part two will follow at some unspecified point in the future.

Speaker 8 Time now to delve into the Bugle archives and look back to the royal wedding of Prince William to Prince William's new wife, Kate Middleton, in 2011.

Speaker 19 Everything else that's happening in the world, the wedding is nearly here.

Speaker 19 Andy, I know I'm not alone in thinking this because the sheer number of news crews that have been descending all week on London, the 32-time capital of the entire world,

Speaker 19 But the upcoming royal wedding is the only thing that anyone in their right right mind should be giving a shit about at the moment.

Speaker 19 I think most international news or organisations are going to be sending a very coherent message over the next seven days. And that message is Yemen, f it.
Syria, f it. Fukushama nuclear plant, f it.

Speaker 19 Royal weddings? F ⁇ yeah!

Speaker 19 And this comes from, in fact, the archives of the BBC. This exclusive recording from 1934.

Speaker 19 And a very warm welcome to the BBC Imperium programme. I am Hubert Scrage, and joining me in the Abbey today is our royalty and subservience correspondent, Mr.
Stanley Grankerton.

Speaker 19 And Stanley, one has to say that on this very special day, the Abbey is looking absolutely resplendent.

Speaker 19 It certainly is, Hubert. Well done, God.
Terrific effort from the big man. Certainly a good decision to strip off that layer of glittery pink paint that Queen Victoria insisted on having.

Speaker 19 Flowers everywhere. Some freshly slaughtered tigers representing the natural world.
Oh, yes, it's some of them still twitching, in fact. A truly wonderful sight and an even more wonderful smell.

Speaker 19 And here comes the prince with that characteristic hop of his. Yes,

Speaker 19 there he goes, Hubert. That famous stag knight really got out of hand.
Certainly did, Stanley. Doesn't look like it's growing back in a hurry.

Speaker 19 He stops at the entrance to the abbey and yes, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack again. He ceremonially beats the representative from every nation of the empire with his special wedding stick.

Speaker 19 And a specially resounding whacking for the Indian ambassador there.

Speaker 19 Well played. Well played.
Super strike there. There's another one.

Speaker 19 Get stuck in, lad. That's it.
That's it. Because that should stifle any thought of independence for a few decades.
Marvelous stuff. Yeah, wonderful technique from the friend of Prince.

Speaker 19 Controlled backswing, rhythmical downfack, and a lovely snap of the wrist to accelerate the whack at the moment of contact.

Speaker 19 So reminiscent, Hubert, of his great father, who will be a very proud king today.

Speaker 19 Yes, the prince has gone in with a mahogany stick today for a more solid whack on his special occasion, rather than the greater flexion and snap of the birch.

Speaker 19 The shiny brass tip and a silver hand in the shape of Victorian prostitute glinting in the Westminster sunlight. That's Edward VII's old stick, of course, and my goodness, me, was that used well.

Speaker 19 Oh, rather, that stick has been uh serviced on an awfully large number of batons.

Speaker 19 Aha, I know it's a rather amusing incident there, Hubert. The uh Archbishop of Canterbury, uh the the unfathomably Reverend Vladimir Scravelyard, he he he he stabbed his toe on the font and I'm a I'm

Speaker 19 I'm I'm afraid to say he rather let himself down linguistically there.

Speaker 19 Oh did he? Um I'll I'll take your word for that, Stanley. I'm afraid uh c is not a term I'm acquainted with.
Well, that surprises me, Hubert.

Speaker 19 I'd have imagined you heard it quite a lot. And the group is ceremonially fonding the Princess's chambermaids now.
Some excellently thorough groping going on there.

Speaker 19 And yes, yes, it looks like he's very well satisfied that none of them is quite,

Speaker 19 shall we say, cuddleable as the princess herself. And that's a very great relief for everyone, Stanley.
No one wanted to see another Louis IV of Hess and Princess Alice incident.

Speaker 19 Yes, that lady has a quite quite ferociously ventful slap upon her. And the Archbishop now is just checking the Prince for syphilis.
Yes, he's in the clear. That's good.
That's good.

Speaker 19 That makes a nice change. And here it is.
That two to the trumpets can mean only one thing. Yes.

Speaker 19 Yes, it is. Princess time.

Speaker 19 And here comes Princess Marina now. There she is.
Into the Abbey. And.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.

Speaker 19 Oh, look. Oh, Lordy.
Oh, hecety heck. My word.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 19 Will you look at that? Good golly, Miss Molly.

Speaker 19 In the name of King George, I think every man in the Empire would not mind doing his duty with that.

Speaker 19 Oh, mercy, mercy, mercy me. I don't mind telling you,

Speaker 19 I wouldn't mind dipping it in that, Hubert.

Speaker 19 Dip away, Stanley. It's a Stilton and chived mayonnaise my wife made for my pack lunch.
Carrots?

Speaker 19 Don't mind. Don't mind if I do, Hubert.

Speaker 19 Bit of fun. Bit of fun.

Speaker 3 Well, that concludes this week's sub-bugle.

Speaker 4 I hope you've enjoyed it. We'll be back with a full bugle next week, recorded live at our West Coast tour, San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle.

Speaker 10 Until next time, goodbye.

Speaker 23 Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here. I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Speaker 23 Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything. So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.