Bugle 4066 – Donald’s a Bugler

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Thank you.

Where's that?

Oh, there we are.

That's me.

Hello, buglers!

How are you all?

Good, excellent.

Welcome, welcome to, welcome to the live bugle here at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

It's a great pleasure to be here in this city, where sadly some sad news has broken in the last three days.

A noodle restaurant has unfortunately closed down.

And

since that happened, four and a half million Melbourne have just been desperately waiting for food.

There's nowhere else left in the city to provide them with it, just waiting desperately for any UN airdrop.

So, if our crowd, for those of you listening at home, sounds a bit hungrier than usual, that is the reason why.

So, this is the Bugle Live, the visual version of a show that has always prided itself on its complete lack of visuality.

What the f are you people doing here?

And this is Bugle 4066, and we are recording on the 22nd of April 2018.

And this is the anniversary of the 22nd of April in 1864.

Which was a cracking year.

And on the 22nd of April in 1864, the US Congress passed the Coinage Act of 1864 that mandated the inscription, In God We Trust,

should be placed on all coins minted as US currency.

And here we go in God we trust

there it is but they didn't

they didn't entirely trust God let's because they've also gone with a clever side bet of

yeah with a side bet in overwhelming military firepower and economic and cultural imperialism as well

I mean God to be honest he is pretty shit at his job these days so it was a lovely gesture back in 1864 but history has shown that they were sensible to cover their backs a bit also

some sensational birthdays here in the 22nd of April.

Let's start with, here he is, Emmanuel Kant.

Happy birthday to Emmanuel Cottony Emmanuel Kant fans in.

The pro-philosopher, the Prussian ponderer himself.

Terrific little philosopher, young Immi, and one of the earliest exponents of the idea that perpetual world peace could be secured through universal democracy and international cooperation.

Priceless.

Absolutely

priceless.

He must be slapping his own forehead in his grave, thinking, how the f could I be so naive?

Also, Immanuel Kant held reason to be the source of morality.

And this is proved by modern contemporary politics, in fact, in which there is absolutely no reason and absolutely no morality.

Stacks up.

Also, of course, Kant was big into epistemology.

Epistemology?

Epistemology, you seer doctor.

That could be serious.

That is a joke.

Here we go.

That's the

next birthday.

Here it is.

Lenin.

There we are.

Lenin.

For those of you watching this audially at home,

the big joke there, which, I mean, just saying the word Lenin doesn't always get that big a laugh, to be honest,

is the picture is not entirely of Lenin, but is of Mr.

Jeremy Corbyn,

very much his, you know, he's his spiritual descendant, according to parts of the

British media.

Lenin, of course, the early 20th century social influencer, as I believe he'd be never then, and

poster boy of Leninism.

And also, birthday today, it's Helen Zaltzmann.

It's her birthday today.

There we go.

That is

Helen Zaltzman.

Today also is it's World Earth Day today.

Are you fans of Earth?

Yep.

I mean how do you put it

in terms of planets within the solar system?

Are we still podium or

third?

We'll take third.

It's a medal, isn't it?

It goes on the f ⁇ ing medals table.

So

who do you think?

Tom, Tom, get out there with the mark.

I mean, who's ahead?

We're third?

Oh, yeah.

Mercury first.

Mercury first.

Yeah, everybody tries to get close to the stars, see?

Alright, okay.

So, yeah, so Mercury is the closest planet to the stars.

Then Earth.

Right, I mean, I get further and further away from the stars as every year goes by.

Ron's again.

And second?

Oh, Venus.

Venus.

So you're very much going.

This is a very heliocentric view of the solar system.

So going for the ones closest to us.

What is your issue with outer-lying planets, for f's sake?

Is there not enough prejudice in this country already?

Coming in, stirling our gravity.

They're stealing our gravity.

They're coming over here,

stealing our gravity, changing our orbit very slightly.

Good, right, okay.

At least you've thought it through and you've got a reason.

So it is Earth Day.

This episode of the Bugle is a special Earth-themed bugle, in fact, dealing with issues relating to the Earth.

And

some Earth facts to get the show started for you.

Earth has produced more Olympic medallists than any other planet.

This picture of the Earth

shows the Earth in only two dimensions.

The Earth is not flat

yet.

Now,

the current theory is that flat Earthers were not wrong, they were merely premature.

The new astroconomicist theory is that there is a new type of black hole called the steamroller, which could flatten the Earth like a child's pancake within the next 8 to 12 trillion years.

It is also possible the Earth used to be flat when people first thought it was flat.

That's just a little while before Sky Fiddler Nikki Copernicus started banging on about it being round and shit.

And then it actually changed shape from flat to spherical as we know it today.

Two explanations for this.

One, the Earth hit middle age and just womph.

All that muscle straight around the midriff.

And the other is that God got pissed off with Earth not working the way he wanted it to and just screwed it up like a piece of paper, flung it out the window, and it caught an orbit around the sun.

So that's let's not write off the loonies yet.

Since I started this show, sad news about the Earth, more than five mosquitoes have been radicalised to become malarial.

And more than 2,000 bacteria have sadly passed away.

You heartless bastards!

Typical humans.

All in all, not bad for six days' work, wouldn't you say?

A planet

of that quality.

I feel that's worth a round of applause, don't you?

Round of applause for

clearly too much C, bit rushed at the end, and obviously some continents weren't properly finished.

Were they?

Australia.

What about the finging middle bit?

Far be it from me to criticise someone for doing a rush job to meet a deadline, but still terrific.

Terrific effort from the big lad.

And

oh, in fact, just getting a message through on Twitter from God's Twitter feed.

At God Yahweh Allah Jehovah's Use.

That is interesting, isn't it?

I mean, that is really, he's covering his bases there.

Thanks at Hello Bugless.

Did my best, not bad for a third go.

Really good.

The first two, we almost.

Recent planets way better, but you always have a soft spot for the oldies.

BTW, love the show.

Always ready to listen when you come to your senses.

Hashtag, sorry about the end of you, Willie.

Hashtag rules is rules.

Hashtag, I actually meant it about the pigs and the prawns and shit.

So,

of course, that's fake.

That was 294 characters, not the regulation 280.

Which ironically is the same number as Alastair Cook's high score in Test cricket.

So, join the dots, people.

Although, admittedly, on the recent tour of Australia, he did bat as if he had borrowed someone else's limbs.

It's time to meet our co-host, and we're going to play Guest Guest the Bugle co-host again based on the following lies.

Who could this possibly not be?

Lie number one.

He has a tattoo of Malcolm Turnbull.

And you don't want to know where, but it does rather raise question marks about his political impartiality.

Considering metal detecting as a hobby, just thinks there might be a lot of metal hidden somewhere.

And also rumoured suspects in the assassination of American President William McKinley.

And who could these lies possibly be about?

The answer is from Australia, Tom Ballard!

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Andy.

Hi, Tom.

Hi, Buglers.

Welcome, Tom.

Welcome.

Oh, this is your walk-on music.

I didn't put it loud enough.

So, I mean,

how's your festival been?

You've been just doing weekends.

Yes, I have done a show this year.

I've been too busy doing a TV show that nobody watches.

Pretty cool.

Anyone here watch tonight, Lee?

Liars, I've seen the numbers.

These are the numbers.

The numbers I've been looking for.

I would dream of an audience this big.

This would be easy.

It would be wonderful.

But no, I had a lovely time.

I saw your show last night, Andy.

It was very, very, very, very to time.

And

no, it was a joke.

It was so good.

And yeah, I've just done two little charity shows and it's been lovely.

But though I miss telling jokes for an hour every night, yeah.

And so you've been doing Tonightly Now what for about what, five or six months, is it?

Yeah, December.

Since it December, yes.

All right, and have you cured all the problems in Australia?

Yeah.

Right, good.

Well, I'm glad that satar still works.

So

clearly much more efficient than my old bugle partner.

Banging on.

Judas.

America, this, America.

So,

guest the bugle co-host number two.

Third in line to the Led Zeppelin drum seat.

Just needs two more drummers to die, and she will be the official drummer of Led Zeppelin.

Also, reigning Northern Hemisphere Garden Bench Description Champion.

Does amazing descriptions of benches.

Very, very evocative.

And rumoured suspect in the James A.

Garfield assassination.

I don't know what it is with my co-host being linked with the less high-profile of the four American presidential assassinations.

But it is, for the first time ever on the bugle, please give a huge bugle welcome to the wonderful Aditi Mittow!

Hello, everyone.

Thank you so much for having me.

Well thanks, thanks for coming.

I'll use some walk-on music as well, Holy.

Oh, sorry, should I normally?

There we go.

That is what is coming out of that radio in that photograph, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Traditionally, Eddie, the warp-on music has been played as people walk off.

I know, Tom, but look, I only started trying to do this last week.

I think I'm doing quite well in the circumstances.

Right.

Last week it was about five past two.

Alright.

Oh, it's longer than it.

Oh, there it is.

It's finished.

No, it has now finished.

So, right, I think it is now time for the.

There's too many things to press.

Right.

DJ Zaltzmann, press that button.

Wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham.

Right, here we go.

Bingo.

Top story this week.

Nailed it.

Thank you.

And, well, the top story this week is: well, if there's one thing the United Kingdom has proved itself good at over and over again through the years, it is welcoming people from all around the universe to our God-given shores with open arms, open hearts, and open return tickets to wherever the fk they came from.

Even if it is six decades from when they arrived.

Now, the Windrush story has been

quite spectacular.

And we've basically been trying to send people back to the West Indies who arrived in Britain sort of between 1948 and 1970.

And I think it was all part of the subtext of the Brexit vote, that we had this very vaguely worded referendum: should we leave the EU or remain in the EU?

And what what went and the leave box, the subtext that you couldn't see on the ballot paper was, and become even more of a heartless f ⁇ ing c than we were before.

And there's a glorious bureaucratic angle on this, in which

the government has basically been, for some years now, there have been kind of various clod-brained supermarket economy ham-fisted attempts to deport people who've lived

in Britain, not just for weeks, not just for months, not just for years, not even for decades, but for decades, several decades.

And

despite being in the UK legally, we've threatened them with deportation.

We've denied them access to health service treatment, benefits, and pensions, and stripped them of their jobs.

And there is no finer way to apologise for the injustices of empire that we perpetrated on other people than by treating them like total shit.

So it's a strange time for

Britain.

I believe there's some Indigenous Australians who are trying trying to get something going with the first fleet generation as well.

I mean, sorry, mate, you don't have the paperwork.

Move on.

You can't just yell terranullius at my face.

Move on, buddy.

Keep on heading out.

I love how Britain just thinks they can send people back, like it's food at a restaurant, just saying, I'm full.

We've got to send it back there.

That's no good.

We are far more tolerant of food in restaurants.

Have you seen the kind of shit we eat?

Tom, Tom, Scottish restaurants.

I mean, basically, you could have a murder scene on a plate and people would just lap it up.

No, no, no, no.

It needs to be deep fried first.

Deep fried murder scene, or as it's also known, haggis.

There we are, boom, a little Scottish food joke.

Aditi, of course,

as an Indian,

you have been, you're the lucky recipient of the wisdom of empire.

I'm still waiting for the thank you card, but no, no, that's not.

I think one of my favorite things about being a part of the Commonwealth was that our wealth was yours and your wealth was yours.

Just looking it after for you.

Isn't it?

Though, you know, I have to say, I think

it's almost like the douchebaggery is like it's generational.

Because now it's, as an Indian, I don't think I can move anywhere in England without someone very well-meaning, very well-intentioned, being like, oh my god, you're from India, but your English is really good.

When did did you learn?

And I'm like, how do you not know this?

You shoved the language down our throat for 200 years.

I'm like, is this a thing that the British culture in general has such a short, like a collective short-term memory, so tiny, that halfway through colonization, they forgot why?

Like, they were like, why are we making your slaves?

How come?

Where's the taxpayer money coming from?

And that's when we spread cricket to everyone, just to

make sense of the whole shebuzzle.

I have to to say this, I think one of my favorite drawbacks of colonialism has been the fact that you all shove the language down our throats.

So now whenever someone's racially abusing us, we know exactly what they're saying.

But the thing is, they never know what we're saying.

Well, I found this one, I did stand-up in India, and a lot of Indian stand-ups do set ups in English and punchlines in Hindi.

And it did feel like it was a deliberate code.

code to

Andy we were talking about you the entire time

it's been it's your it's your first time in Australia isn't it that's right and what what have you you've been here what just a few days what have you made like this is my fifth day sixth day in Australia I've uh uh I've tried to kiss a koala uh with consent

the best way yeah the only way you know turns I I was under the impression that their breath would be a lot more lozengey because of all the like

of all the eucalyptus eating or whatever.

No.

No.

It's called chlamydia.

And

I'm going to have to get tested after this.

So.

You can kiss a koala on the cheek.

It doesn't have to be fully on the lips.

Don't tell you that.

You don't know how to love like an Indian animal.

I think my wife said that in her wedding speech.

Can I use that as a show title someday?

Tom, you've been in Australia for what, 28 years now?

28 years.

What have you made of it?

I'm on the fence.

I've tried to kiss a koala and the people talk funny.

It's weird.

But that's all right, it'll do.

We've been demanding proof of residency from

some of these supposed,

let's call them what they are, British people.

But demanding proof of residency for

every single year of, for example, the 1960s, which is just the kind of basic paperwork that the ordinary British person keeps stapled to their ribcage.

Because you don't know when you're going to need to prove your identity from the 60s.

You know, when the FBI are going to turn up at your door and demand to know exactly where you were on the 22nd of November 1963 so they can rule you out of their inquiries into the Kennedy assassination.

Well, I think it's only Lincoln left, isn't it?

Got to get a Lincoln joking somewhere, right?

Hey, Andy, if you've got paperwork from the 60s you weren't there man.

The problem is the proof that people had of their arrival in Britain, their landing cards from the initial journey, were treated like the logistically important and historically irreplaceable documents they are if and only if you leave your historically irreplaceable documents in the care of Islamic State

who don't seem to have a huge affection for stuff from eras gone by or a museum director who just hates his job and wants to destroy all physical elements of human existence.

I basically threw them away.

Now, I'm not a technical expert, as I believe I've proved during this show.

You know, I think it's actually a bit strange to me that they're so insistent on like paper-paper work, considering half the communication that happens in the British public is apparently through a bus.

Yes.

Have you?

Like, there's in this story itself, right, there was that.

There we go.

Oh,

that's it.

Oh, there's the headline.

Whoops.

I forgot to do it.

Should have done that at the start, shouldn't I?

There we go.

I mean, that took me a long time last night.

Oh, well, you know.

There we go.

So, here we are.

This is one of the vehicles that Theresa May, when she was home secretary in 2013.

There we go.

Has she heard of the internet?

Is that all thing?

All the young kids are not on the internet now.

They are looking out of windows, spotting vans.

That's the big hobby now.

The van says for the dear listeners at home, it says, in the UK, illegally go home or face arrest.

And there's a story this week that apparently Theresa May intervened to make the language more intense, like to strengthen it up, toughen up it a little bit.

Originally, you know, it's a British science, so originally just said, excuse me, terribly sorry about all this.

Would you mind perhaps considering returning to your place of origin at your earliest convenience, what, what?

And just a picture of...

Just a picture of a crumpet.

It made no sense at all.

So I'm glad that she got involved and sort of clarified what you've done.

So with the traffic in London, I mean that's that is really only going to reach about eight people at a bus.

The true meaning, in case you're wondering what the subtext of go home or face to rest is, this is the subtext of it now.

Here it is.

You're making me homesick.

Classic British double bird.

Quick Brexit update.

The latest phase of negotiations has seen Boris Johnson, our prank Foreign Secretary,

stripping down to his speedos,

jumping onto a table and singing, I will survive,

before saying, Yogo, Europe.

So it still seems to be locked very much of the swimming trunks phase.

It's a bizarre thing.

Who's British here?

And.

Who's proud to be British here?

No one who's proud to be British will have left Britain.

We're kind of huddled somewhere in Leicestershire

just to make sure that the Romans have definitely left.

To be fair, back in the day, the people who are proud to be British did a lot of leaving of Britain, or I guess a spreading of Britain.

Yes.

Helping other people to be equally proud to be British.

But fundamentally, Brexit at the moment, we are fumbling around.

We are essentially like some kind of drunken, horny, teenage male Goldilocks sticking his penis into a series of different electrical sockets

until he finds the one that is either just right or soothingly fatal.

Now, of course, here in Australia, Tom, you also have a proud history of maltreating visitors, shall we say?

I think you'll find that we also welcome people with open arms and have a wonderful time.

I think, because you guys aren't too bad.

Your national dish is chicken tikka masala, right?

Yes.

As opposed to our cultural dish, which is white bread and coon cheese.

Like,

I think we're doing okay.

Your guys are doing okay comparatively.

But we do a thing that is similar to the Windrush generation where we send Kiwis home.

People will come here when they're kids.

New Zealanders will come here as a kid, and they'll basically spend their entire life in Australia and they'll happen to commit a crime.

And then when they come out of prison, we deport them immediately.

We send them back to New Zealand, even though we made them into criminals.

Those are bloody proud, dinky-dye, Australian criminals that we're exporting our best.

It's like Barry Humphreys and Jermaine Greer all over again.

I mean, I know they're criminals, but no one deserves to go to New Zealand, people.

Two claps, I'll take it.

And I don't think that the criminals are going to survive in New Zealand, the Kiwi criminals.

There's nothing there to steal.

The whole economy is based on bungee jumping and friendship, you know?

Over the past three years, Australia has deported 1,023 Kiwis, and New Zealand has deported eight Australians.

That is a trade deficit, if everyone's seen one.

A thousand Kiwis worth eight Australians.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

So we're doing great immigration-wise.

Thank you, Andy.

That's the update.

And have you heard about Peter Dutton, our Home Affairs Minister?

And he's focused on white South African farmers.

Bro, when will someone stand up for their rights?

Speaking as the grandson of a white South African farmer.

But he was Jewish as well, so it balances out.

The scales of history.

He's been out there saying that Australia should pay special attention to the plight of

white South African farmers.

And this is it's very strange Peter Dutton taking an active interest in resettling refugees is very weird it's like Donald Trump having an interest in exercise

it's like James Bond ordering a stirred martini

it's like

one more

only one Tom do you not understand this show

you have to flog this dead horse until it is on a Frenchman's place in a restaurant

It's like the band TLC suddenly becoming very pro-scrubs.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Worth it.

Fucking worth it.

I've won awards tonightly, 9 p.m.

I think it's fair enough, though, because when you think of South Africa, you know, your first thought is, oh, the white people, you know, those poor.

It's like when you think about the West Bank, your first thought is, gosh, it must be noisy for those Israelis, isn't it?

You know what I mean?

Are there any other aspects of my family heritage you wish to look at?

I'm done.

Thank you.

Oh, good.

Okay.

There we go.

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Quick question.

What the f am I doing with my life?

Right, let's move on.

We're gonna move on now to

Aditya.

Let's talk about the internet in India, perhaps India's greatest

invention.

That's right.

In India, 2018, and I mentioned the year because of the fact that the chief minister of the Indian state of Tripura, Biplab Kumar Deb, I know everyone's like, how is she pronouncing that?

While inaugurating a two-day workshop on the computerization of public distribution systems, claimed internet and satellite communication had existed in the days of the Mahabharata.

Mahabharat is the Hindu mythological text.

And the idea behind it was that there was a part of the Mahabharata where there was a war going on, and there was a king sitting in his king chair or whatever.

And

he had this guy next to him who was giving him live updates of the war.

And so

that proves that we clearly had internet.

I'm like, unless he was live tweeting it, there is no chance that he knew anything.

And this is,

and you know, let me say this.

Maybe the internet did exist during ancient India.

But as someone who is in the age of the internet currently, ancient India does not exist right now.

Like,

it's, and it's really sad to me that he said this at a workshop where they were computerizing public distribution systems.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, it's so mean.

It's so cruel that we're the one place where you're like, actually, this shit's been done.

Like, years ago, everyone.

Sorry, too much work.

And it's very weird, also, because for us to claim to have invented the internet is a bit bizarre, because we've also had the highest number of internet shutdowns

in the world in 2017.

So I'm like, even if it was around during the ancient Indian war, it would probably be shut down during that time as well.

India, I think, has the highest number of most things in the world.

Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of us.

Numbers are on your side.

I think they did have the internet in ancient India, but they just use it to look up the Karma Sutra.

I think that was.

You know,

I mean, we were the first ones in history who, in the middle of sex, were like, this is amazing, let's make notes.

Well, and

I mean, if.

Like, that's why they had doggy style with partners.

Like.

I'm really struggling with.

Sorry about that.

That was not supposed to happen, interrupting your...

Start with your immature sound effects, Andy.

And then he's doing a joke about doggy style.

Come on, yeah.

Just a family show, just trying to center it up.

But I think if India did invent the internet in ancient history, it would explode...

Everyone wanted to hear that.

No, stop it!

Stop it!

Here it is.

If, right, let's get back to the joke.

If.

Our Prime Minister in 2014 said that,

you know, plastic surgery was invented in ancient India because we have a story in our mythology where there was a...

this guy cut off his own son's head and then and then wait for it and then attached an elephant's head to it and that's how we have our elephant god or whatever.

And I'm like.

Happy birthday, son.

And it makes me wonder, I'm like, what?

Like this is not like attaching someone's head anew is not plastic surgery.

That's some Frankenstein level shit.

Like

it's like new nose, new boobs, that's plastic surgery.

But

to be fair, an elephant's head is the ultimate nose job.

Well said, well said.

And look, I don't think plastic surgery existed in ancient India primarily because if it did, we would have all made ourselves white.

We do not like us.

I did some research, Andy, and some other things from today were actually invented in the ancient world.

When everyone stood up and was like, I'm Spartacus.

No, I'm Spartacus.

That was the invention of Facebook.

Jet skis were invented when Jesus walked on water.

And

sorry to mention Jesus, I know it's a trigger for you, Andy.

That's all right, prominent turn of the first millennial Middle East-based magician and raconter.

That's the one.

He was the Middle East's first content creator.

He went viral, yeah.

And I guess the commandments are like a BuzzFeed listing or go to the corner.

Yes.

And when everyone was going out in Sodom and Gomorrah, that was the invention of Grinder.

So, you know,

these are facts.

It's good to know, everyone.

I thought Grinder was an app that put you in touch with really defensive opening batsmen.

All right.

Joke for that.

I'm counting that as homophobia, okay?

I didn't understand it.

Do not bring your sick lifestyle into my world, sir.

How are we going to explain this to the children?

What defensive batting?

What homosexuality?

I mean, they've grown up in the age of the IPL, Adidas.

It's going to be very hard for them to understand.

He's three naught out after an hour and a half, but he's playing well.

What can you not understand about that?

They said, the education minister of the state of Rajasthan said that cows breathe in oxygen and breathe out oxygen.

And that is why they are like really holy.

Which is the thing, I can't believe we're not worshiping outright oxygen tanks yet.

But it just makes me so sad.

And the funny thing is, after promoting all these random hoaxes, as like you can strap a cow on your back and go diving and stuff like that,

Is that when shit goes down for them?

Like the moment they have a scratch, they'll fly off to London to get medical help.

And it's like, this is unfair.

I'm drinking cow urine for my own urinary tract infection.

Anyway,

this is not that kind of show, Andrew.

Stop it.

Tom, do you want to talk about Anzac diet?

Oh, sure, yep.

Yep.

That's where comedy lives.

I don't think this has ever got an ABC presenter in trouble before.

And Clinch?

Super outraged news now.

Some folks are very outraged, Andy, that the film Avengers Infinity War is going to be released this Wednesday in Australian cinemas, which is, of course, Anzac Day.

Anzac Day is a day of solemn remembrance for us of our fallen soldiers.

Also, a day of solemn drinking, solemn gambling, and the solemn eating of delicious piggies.

Now,

I am also outraged that Infinity War is coming out on Anzac Day.

On Anzac Day, the only Infinity War I know to be thinking about is the Iraq War.

So, oh, shit.

Shit joke.

Good point.

Come on.

Tonightly, 9 p.m.

Or catch up on IV!

I think this is a disgrace to our soldiers, Andy.

Right?

The thing about Gallipoli was, you know, it was a really dark and gritty battle.

They're clearly bigger fans of the DC universe.

And

Carl Stefanovic, you wear Karl Stefanovic, Andy?

Have you met this fella?

No.

Brilliant.

I'd like to get you in the middle of the day.

I've got a bad leg.

He's hosted Brexit's television show here in Australia called Today.

He was very furious.

He went on a big rant on air saying, films traditionally in this country open on a Thursday.

Event cinemas bringing the release a day early smacks to me of a grubby cash scrap.

Now, here's Laura with a fantastic new offer from the good people at Utribullet.

And he said at this rate, this is a direct quote from Carl Sado.

He said, I love Thor, but let's remember and respect what Anzac Day is really for.

War poetry really isn't what it used to be, is it?

I love Iron Man, but on Anzac Day, you should be crying, man.

Reminds you of the ode: They will not grow old as we that are left grow old because of their freaky mutant powers.

I'm not sure about that one at all.

And he said people should boycott the day, like boycott Seeing Infinity Wars on Anzac Day and go to a dawn service instead.

Which, unless they're doing dawn screenings of the film,

I think you'll be able to do fine.

And maybe the big lesson is that Anzac Day, you know, needs to sort of step up to the competition.

Like, if they want to get young people excited,

no, if they want to get young people invested in learning about our fallen heroes, maybe they've just got to work in a few more cool powers

for some of our fallen heroes.

You're competing with aliens and a dude in an iron suit.

Like, what do the diggers got?

May chip and a donkey?

You're not going to compete.

Good night, everybody.

He was never seen again.

They've got to do it the other way around where the Avengers balls up their campaign due to failing to coordinate their watches.

Well, we failed to do any real good quality avenging this film, but

I blame Winston Churchill.

Let's introduce our third co-host of today's Bugle.

We attempted to introduce him last week and he didn't entirely work, so let's hope for a better this week.

All the way from the United States of America.

Your friend and mine, as printed out cell by cell on my 3D printer, here is the fully functioning brain of American President Donald Trump.

Amazing that you have that.

You were considering.

Are we going to bump him?

Because we've run out of time.

Anyway, Donald, are you all right?

Hello, Andy.

Hello.

Hello, Donald.

You want to say hello to the audience?

Hello, Bugles.

Hello, Bugles.

Yeah, that's nice.

Right, here we go.

So, Donald, it's great.

It's lovely to have you on the show.

It's my great honor to be a guest on the bugle.

Right, good.

It's not really your target demographic, a podcast listening crowd.

They will not like me at all.

And that's okay.

You've lefty liberal losers.

Okay, so

anyway Donald

and um just uh I think it's time maybe to reflect on your your your first year or so in charge.

What do you think uh your your first uh year and a quarter will be most uh remembered for reforms that lower the freedom, choice and opportunity for the American people.

All right, thanks, Louis.

And um I mean what's the ultimate goal now of your your first term in office?

We must fire all Muslims into space.

Well it's all starting to stack up now.

And the recent

bombings

in Syria, there's been some claims that they were not in accordance with international law.

Stupid fucking laws.

You just don't like laws.

They make my fucking life very, very difficult.

That's been clear throughout your presidency, Donald.

What do you think, you know, if there's one, you know, maybe one thing you'd be more remembered for than anything else so far, what would it be?

The hands.

Oh, the hands.

My frankly disgusting.

The hands.

And what's your proudest achievement so far?

We've made historic progress in crushing the spirit of the American public.

At a faster clip than ever before,

by far.

And you know, what other

things that you think you'll be most defined by at the moment?

Russia.

Russia.

Yeah, anything else?

Peep, peep.

Okay.

But if there was one thing so far, the defining aspect of your presidency, what would it be?

Me being a total gravity-defying uranium-level

at least that's honest.

Anything that's an appropriate way for an American president to behave?

I keep my campaign promises.

Yeah, I guess you did lay that card very firmly on the table.

So, um,

um, uh, Donald, um, uh, there's been many people have claimed that you're rather loose with the truth.

Do you know a single fact?

Only one.

One fact.

And what is your one fact?

Hello.

Queen.

What's about Halloween, is it?

And could we like to share your Halloween fact with the audience here in Australia?

Did you know that

Queen began when Hillary Clinton turned a totally innocent little child into a very bad quality wooden desk?

Hillary Clinton turned turned a child into a into a desk.

Yes, yes, yes.

Definitely happened.

To the best of my knowledge, Yes.

To the best of your knowledge, it's very different to what actually happened.

And then what happened after that?

She ate the whole fucking thing in one huge mouth.

Hillary Clinton ate the desk child.

And it was a horrible thing to watch.

I don't doubt that for a second.

But I mean, at least, I mean, many people wish Hillary had become president instead of you.

I mean, she had more experience of the international world that you struggle with a bit.

I mean, how are you getting on with your neighbours in Canada right now?

I don't know fucking anything about Canada.

Nothing at all.

What is Canada?

Is it a disease?

Well, it's not a disease.

Or maybe a type of motorbike.

It's not a type of motorbike either.

Can I put my cock in its?

No!

You cannot put your cock in Canada, as Johnny Cash famously sang.

A shame.

Really a shame.

So

Right, okay.

Tom, I think.

So, well, maybe just time for you.

You can meet our co-hosts, Donald.

Firstly, Tom Ballard here.

Hello, Tom.

And

Tom's been doing

his own satirical daily TV show here.

Wow.

Quite patronizing, Donald.

Hard to believe.

But oh no.

So.

you're not.

You've got to enjoy this more.

Just imagine Eddie practicing this in front of the mirror.

So,

you're not a fan of Tom's work?

I like Tom.

You like Tom?

I mean, we have a lot in common.

You have a lot in common.

Wow.

Right.

Well,

what do you have in common?

Neither of us likes women.

In our own different ways.

Have you got any questions for Donald?

Yes, Mr.

President.

Mr.

President, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I was just wondering, you know, you've been very successful in politics, having had no experience at all.

You've become the president of the U.S.

I just wonder if you have any advice for people out there who want to get into politics themselves.

It's a great question.

Thank you.

Simple, fair, and easy to understand.

So,

what's your advice for people who want to get into politics?

All you have to do is just abandon your voice, your hopes, your dreams, and above all else, your values and principles.

So, I mean, just to boil that down, what do you got to do?

You must act like a complete barstard.

And uh, hang on, you couldn't get a clip of him just saying bastard?

No.

No, no.

Somebody else said, No, well, anyway, uh,

it was late.

And uh, our uh

our uh uh Donald, I know you're a massive fan of our other guests as well.

Middle,

Did I pronounce it?

Pronounce that right, by the way.

I'm not sure you did pronounce it right.

Have you got anything to say to Aditi?

We do not, under any circumstances, attempt to move to America.

Anyway.

Oh, this is my job.

Now let's quickly move on to Donald.

I know you're a massive cricket fan.

Who's your favourite Australian cricketer?

Shane Warne.

Shane Warne.

Alright, interesting.

He has a very strange face these days.

Does it?

I don't know if he's had so, but don't face Shane the greatest leg spinner of all time.

And who is your favourite Australian cricket commentator?

Richie Bennow.

Richie Benno.

All right.

And I mean, everyone can do a Richie Benno impression.

Can we hear your

Richie Benno impression?

Chew.

222.

This is my nightmare.

Donald Trump talking about cricket.

What a catch.

Please, before we end with Donald, please show appreciation from Mike.

Any final comments to the audience here, other than apologising on behalf of what I have done in this show?

No, this has been lovely.

It's been very nice.

Dude, I look like I give a shit.

I'm not sure that colour flower is leaving alive.

Adici, it's been an absolute delight having you on the Beagle for the first time.

And well, I hope you've enjoyed Australia.

Do come back on the show at a time when I have got used to using technology from after the typewriter.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I've been told by every dude that I encountered once I told them that I was doing the bugle, I just attracted an audience of like engineer nerd cricketer dudes that I've never attracted in my life before.

And the one thing that they told me to say on the podcast for sure was,

you, Chris.

Correct.

Your initiation is now complete.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for Tom.

Adiji Mittel, Tom Ballard, the cauliflower brain of Donald Trump.

Lee's given up for Andy Zosmur

and Bill Gates.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.