Bugle 4065 – Clipart news

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Thank you!

Hello, Bugles!

Now,

welcome to the Bugle.

Can we just fade down the music a bit?

There, there we go.

You have to fade that.

Technologically, we are trying our most ambitious ever theatrical extravaganza here.

This is going to be like John Michel Jarre meets the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.

It's going to be absolutely sensational.

Welcome, welcome to the Bugle Live.

It's sort of being recorded.

It will be going out as this week's Bugle for those listening at home or anywhere else.

We are here in Melbourne Australia a city where if current one whoop from what a proud civic place this is

still regretting the missed opportunity to call yourselves Batmania maybe that's a

A city where if current trends continue according to scientists in 40 years time this place will just be a 50 meter deep reservoir of coffee with a single weeping avocado floating in the middle

I am Andy Zoltzman, 400,000 miles from home as the crow flies, albeit a crow with absolutely no sense of direction and a tendency to be distracted by the prospect of shitting on every single major global cultural monument as a protest against humanity's exploitation of the bird world.

We are recording here at the

It is the 15th of April 2018 and on this day in 1755 Samuel Johnson, the word waggling pin-up boy of 18th century lexicography, Dr.

Dickey Dictionary himself, published his influential dictionary of the English language, a book which established rules for this great language of ours.

Do you like the English language?

No, who said no?

What's what's your beef with it?

You have to teach it tomorrow.

There we go.

You have to.

That's a problem.

You turn anything into a job, you take the love from it, don't you?

And who are you teaching it to?

Children.

They are the worst.

The people in the world who have least desire to learn.

Children, most children just spend most of their time wishing they were adults.

Most adults wish they were still kids.

We've just got the school age and the working age the wrong way round.

The Victorians had it right.

Stick the little fkers up a chimney.

and given that my children are in the crowd today, I should say, excluding anyone whose name begins with Zed,

they can do the admin.

But well, it has been a very influential language, English, and Johnson's

hugely influential figure in it.

His English has been spoken and written by celebrities from both of our countries, ranging from Winston Churchill to Madge Bishop and Jane Austen to Harold Bishop.

The original Sammy J's dictionary remained the preeminent rulebook for spelling, grammar, and shit like that until pretty much the invention of social media, which is basically catapulting humanity backwards through linguistic history via badly spelled scrollings, hieroglyphics, or as they're known nowadays, emoticons, or lack of genuine emoticons, to give them their proper name, towards the simple grunt, which is the logical endpoint of the internet.

I've no beef with that.

It's people saying shit to each other that has started 99.94% of all wars.

Draw your own conclusions from that, and that figure could be set to rise as we speak.

Now to mark this anniversary, some obsolete words that Johnson included in his dictionary that are no longer used, including sclapper tranquil, which is a stick-influenced device for poking a frightened witch from behind a non-licensed cauldron.

Snutterwort is a rare herb thought by 18th century alchemists, doctroves and magicianicians to contain healing properties that could cure beheading if applied within four hours of a person's execution.

The butt yard, which is an open space in a boys' school used for the administration of corporal punishment,

and compromise, the idea that there could be some acceptable middle ground between two dissenting views.

Concept long lost to the swamps of history.

So now, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight!

There we go.

In the bin this week, a catalogue of lots from the auction of Andy Zoltzmann memorabilia,

inspired by the film star and famous cricketer cousin Russell Crowe, who this week flogged off a load of his old junk from his career.

I'm going to be doing the same.

Russell Crowe flogged off props from the film Gladiator, including a pretend horsey, his co-star Joaquin Phoenix,

who went for $85,000, and the actual corpse of the philosopher Emperor Marcus Aurelius.

And we have the lots from the Zaltz auction for your deletation in the bin this week.

Lot 56, my set list from my first ever gig on the London Open Mic Circuit in 1999.

Here it is, the Comedy Cafe,

January 99, opening up with What's Up with Snakes.

I mean,

what are you, a worm or a sword?

Needed work.

Why Britain's future in the EU is far from assured.

I mean, I was visionary, really.

I mean,

I was so far ahead of my time.

Eggs are weird.

I stand by that.

I mean when you think about it what the f is going on

the next bit when Donald Trump becomes president.

I mean it's quite extraordinary that I saw this hack coming as long ago as January 1999.

Men and women colon differences.

I mean that was that was a classic bit of observational.

And how the internet is a passing fad like the plague.

So I mean two out of three is not bad in terms of global predictions.

Lot 87, the typewriter on which one of my infinite joke writing monkeys wrote a very amusing routine about burning Catholics.

Lot 134, the javelin I used in my short-lived character act, Jan Zulezny, based on the Czech Olympic champion and world record-holding javelin thrower Jan Zulezny, but imagining that he worked in a zoo and

practiced his javelin throwing whenever possible.

That's me really getting into character there.

It's lucky you don't see the elephant off stage.

Estimate for that, that's 12 quid, that javelin.

Now, lot 192, the real John Oliver.

Oh, yeah,

Tom, you might notice, is wearing a bugle, old school bugle t-shirt here.

Anyway, the real John Oliver, I've kept him in my cellar in London since June 2006 when he told me he wanted to do the daily show job instead of coming with me to Edinburgh to talk to to 25 people a day in a darkened room.

So I've kept him locked in my cellar and I sent a fake John Oliver to the States to attempt to scupper his career.

Turned out it was f ⁇ ing incredible.

It's done very well.

And finally, lot 278.

Here it is.

This is the aching silence from the Manchester Comedy Store, 22nd of December 2002.

When I did a gig that went so badly that most of my jokes are still receiving counselling for post-traumatic stress.

So it's just

for those of you wanting to preview that lots, here is some of that silence.

So, I mean, that gives you an idea of just stretch that out for about another 20 minutes.

Right, it's time now to meet our co-hosts for today's bugle.

You ready?

Meet today's co-hosts!

Yes!

We're going to do this by means of a guess.

The Guess the Bugle co-host game.

Here it is.

Based on the following lies.

So see if you can guess who is about to come on stage based on these lies.

This person owns the world's largest remote-controlled penguin,

has already started building his or her own commemorative pyramid.

It will be 754 meters high in 3D outside Luxor in Egypt, and with a snooker table in the burial chamber, just in case.

And lie three

thinks the Battle of Austerlitz was a hoax.

So, who could this possibly be?

Of course, it is is

Alice Pfizer.

There we go.

Hello Andy.

Hello.

Hello bugers.

Hello Tom.

Hello Alice.

Let's get this shit on the road.

Welcome back Alice.

Oh thank you.

Welcome to my country.

Right.

You seem to flee it quite often, to be honest.

It's one of those things where absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Also, no one wants to watch me here.

Let's move on to our

second co-host.

Let's play it.

Here it is.

Guest the co-host.

Line number one.

Prepares for shows by visualizing he is a terrapin.

Line number two, any guesses yet?

Rejected the chance to co-pilot NASA's secret Apollo 18 mission to Mars today to appear at this show.

Surely that is worth a round of applause.

What a sacrifice.

And line three, starred alongside former world heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in the stage production of Shelves of the Merciful.

Shelves of the Merciful, if you've not seen it, is of course a musical based on the life of Melville Dewey, the founder of the Dewey Decimal System.

He's a pin-up boy of 19th-century library classification.

Who could it be?

It is

David O'Doherty, the master of the keyboard,

all the way way from

there it is my signature theme music

it's great to be back great to be back bugling yeah well so it's lovely to have you back uh big news from australia yep they don't say road cones i was trying to organize five aside game of football the other day like what we used for goals and i'm like some road cones there and they're like what it's like traffic cones they're like uh they're witches hats that's what they call them here.

Can you believe?

You know, no one says around the world, everyone listening to this is like, that is the most ridiculous bullshit.

Witches' hats.

Oh, I didn't realize that so much Halloween-themed stuff was here.

Let's bugle.

Top story this week.

Here comes a visual.

There you go, look at that.

I spent

this is a podcast.

You can't say here comes a visual on a podcast.

Well, that's what makes this live show so special.

For people listening, just imagine the best that clip art has to offer.

It took me under two hours, that.

Right, so it's time.

Top story this week is the world on the brink of Armageddon.

So who is it actually going to happen?

There we go.

Is Armageddon going to happen?

Let's find out.

To the listeners, that was another one of his visual clip arts.

I mean, somewhere this is going to make no sense to people listening at home.

That is a question mark coming onto a screen.

And I feel a disproportionate sense of achievement from having...

Having made that happen.

You shouldn't.

I know I shouldn't, Alice, but I do.

Given the technical problems we experienced just before these people came in, you should feel praised.

Thank you, Tom.

Yes.

So, who has been enjoying the Syrian crisis?

Yeah, it's not really my thing either.

David, what would you prefer, the Syrian crisis or sport?

Well, to use one of your awful cricket metaphors, it's possible that the world has seen a good innings, but now it's time to blow up the stadium, incinerating everyone because one of the cricketers is worried a P-tape featuring him might come out.

And you can't get it out of your head that that could be what's going on here.

It's the waggiest wagging of a dog that there's ever been, and we will all pay.

Right.

Ireland have stayed out of it, you'll notice

thus far.

Similar to the way we stayed neutral during the entire Second World War, even to the point where we sent the German ambassador condolences on the death of Mr.

Hitler.

Let's not pick a side till we're absolutely sure who the baddies are.

The US and allies allies have launched attacks on what they believe to be chemical weapons sites in Syria, which means one of two things.

Either they are chemical weapon sites or they're not chemical weapon sites, but they've definitely been bombed and that's the important thing.

General Joseph Dunford, Washington's top general, said the attacks were directed at Syria's Scientific Studies and Research Centre in the Bazair district outside the capital Damascus, a storage facility west of Homs, and another one.

Donald Trump has said nothing is off the table when it comes to Syria and you definitely want your your military strategy to sound like a sales pitch for a second-hand trinkets shop at a local market.

When Donald Trump says

nothing is off the table, I'm sure many of you like me think Donald Trump has his penis on the table.

I have played on a table tennis team in my teens.

Nothing off the table is what the coach used to share.

When asked if Russian President Vladimir Putin bears any responsibility for the reported chemical weapons attacks, Mr Trump responded, he may, yeah, he may, and if he does, it's going to be very tough, very tough.

All of this is horrifying and scary, given only the slightest of silver linings by Trump's tendency to say everything he says twice, like a character in a children's book.

He went on to say, everyone's going to pay a price, he will, everybody will, thereby providing both a very concise explanation of capitalism and also no explanation of whether or not he's actually going to come out against Putin.

I don't find Trump's position as the leader of the free world particularly reassuring at the moment.

So I don't know if I'm going out on a limb when I say that.

To me, Donald Trump being in charge of a knife edge international political stand-off is about as reassuring as going into an operating theatre for major abdominal surgery and seeing Jackie Chan scrubbing up.

I mean sure he has some capabilities, but they are not the capabilities that you want for this particular job.

It's probably going to hurt and not work.

I mean I get the argument that they used that that was the red line, the

well, it was the red line again.

Another one of the red lines was the recent use of chemical weapons.

But this week's also twenty years since the Belfast Agreement brought peace to Northern Ireland, which is the legacy of that Labour government in Britain being Iraq and Northern Ireland, and they're two very different legacies.

One is like Game of Thrones and the other is where they actually film Game of Thrones now, just outside Belfast.

I don't, I mean, Assad is a hard man to warm to as a neutral.

And he has, I mean, a strange collection of hobbies.

Because

using chemical weapons on his own people is, I mean, that's a niche hobby at best.

But his other hobbies are quite mainstream.

He likes photography.

and listening to the music of the electric light orchestra.

No.

As well as war crimes.

That is the weirdest triathlon in human history.

While he's nailed the transitioning to listening from listening to 1970s prog rock into taking snaps of pretty flowers with spiders' webs glistening in the morning sunshine, but can he now nail the crucial slaughtering his own people phase?

This is very much Bashar's speciality, the war crimes element.

Many struggle with it logistically and especially psychologically, but he takes it like a duck to a Chinese pancake.

It's frankly, I mean,

the whole political situation over Syria, years and years of it, is essentially an absolute massive political shitless anya, layer upon layer built up over years of political bloopers.

I think we need to take a bit of a closer look at Bashir al-Assad.

I'm not sure he is a child.

Oh, this is...

Sorry, there's a charity element to this part of the show.

I want you all to support this organisation I'm a proud patron of, Make Armageddon worthwhile again.

Because, frankly, you know, know, I'm not intrinsically against the end of the world.

I think economically it actually makes quite sound shareholder sense because we are a loss-making planet.

But it wanted to be worthwhile, you know, back in the Bay of Peaks.

You could get behind the end of the world during the height of the Cold War, a proper fundamental disagreement over how human beings should go.

No one would have minded us being blown to shit then.

But now this is basically just infantile playground dick swinging.

So raise the fing bar.

I mean, for those people at home, it's a graphic of what looks like it's meant to be a mushroom cloud, but in fact fact looks like a piece of broccoli doing a hula hoop.

My kids will eat neither of those things.

Or a fart coming out of a very ill butthole.

None of those.

Which is possibly appropriate for this situation.

Some facts about Bashar Al-Assad.

Eight-time UN Baddy of the Year nominee,

ranked inside.

I mean he gets a lot of bad press, but he is ranked inside the the world's top four billion nicest men in the world so that's something for him to cling to unlikely ever to host the Oscars I think he's really burnt those bridges with the with the Academy over the years

Australian government advice for you people regarding Bashar al-Assad

do not invite for dinner that is the official Australian government advice and also

he is

not a cricket fan Bashar Al-Assad not a cricket fan yeah exactly so let's find out I mean this is is the root of all the problems.

David?

Is he definitely not a cricket fan?

I mean, it was quite dispiriting when Ireland are always vying for the eighth place, I believe, in World Cricket, which gets you into World Cups and things.

Well, it's tenth these days.

Ireland, Scotland, and Afghanistan.

And Afghanistan seem to beat us quite a lot.

Well, there's so much money washing around in Afghanistan these days.

The facilities.

I can't understand how he can't be a cricket fan.

He's such a wicked man.

Come on, come on.

I'll give you a ding for that.

Hang on.

Right.

But, well, let's see.

Here we are.

I've got a list here of

people who are and aren't cricket fans, like cricket and not like cricket.

So we'll start with someone in the do not like cricket column.

There we have B.H.

Al-Assad.

Bashir Al-Assad does not like cricket, whereas Stephen Fry does like cricket.

And everyone loves Stephen Fry.

Let's move on.

Here we have V Vladimir Putin does not like cricket

Maximus Decimus Meridius

the aforementioned Russell Crowe massive cricket fan and also saved the Roman Empire from the evil Emperor Commodus in that famous documentary

Adolf Hitler did not like cricket.

He had the chance to take cricket when the great England cricketer C.B.

Fry went to Germany in the 1930s to try to convert Germany to test-match cricket.

He refused it because he preferred genocide

compared with

the Commonwealth of Australia

does like cricket so it was very much we're seeing the side who is on the side of good and who is on the side of evil not like cricket Ivan the terrible does not like cricket Andy Zoltzman does like cricket

and BL Zeebub he does not like

Not a cricket fan.

He likes big bash cricket.

Yeah, well exactly.

I mean that's that just proves my point frankly.

I mean what's what's the point of a game that takes less than half a week?

And

Jesus Christ, J.H.

Christ, he would have been a cricket fan

had he been a cricket fan.

What's the H short for there in Yahweh's name?

J.H.

Christ.

Herbert, I think.

Herbert, yeah.

You would think that someone might have read the hugely popular Chilcott report, which came out after the

last Iraq war, which I believe we were involved in the only public reading of ever in a shed in Edinburgh that went on for two weeks.

Oh, yes, yes,

it's 30 volumes, and its number one conclusion was don't just fire bombs at a place, send in weapons inspectors, and just make sure this will help.

And someone forgot to read that.

Amazingly, there was someone who hadn't.

It's a real page turner if anyone's going to the beach.

Well, that is the problem of not getting it, boiling it down to less than 30 volumes, because, presumably, your conclusion is at the end, and no one is going to wade through the whole lot, are they?

No, yes, I understand.

Well, I've got I've actually got the

shortened version.

They did produce a shortened version for public consumption laugh here, the Chilco report.

I'll share it with you now.

Here it is, the full conclusions of the Chilco report into the causes and nature of the Iraq war.

Here it is.

Whoops.

I have the pop-up version of that book here.

Let me just open up the single page.

Funk!

Let's move on to Trump and Comey.

That's what I was trying to get to.

There we are, that little kiss they're having there.

So

who wants to be, did he or didn't he get urinated on by a prostitute's correspondent?

Well, Comey's book has come out this week where he certainly does not say that Trump is definitely sure that a video does not exist.

Comey's book is called Comey, My Story, and then it has four subtitles.

It's all Comeys Out in the Wash.

This is such a Zoltzmann badge.

The bigger they com me, the harder they fall.

That's quite good because he is six foot eight.

Come me back down to earth, that's what happens after that.

And Come Me Up, Smelling of Roses, is how he

comies out of the whole thing.

In the first excerpt released from his new book, A Higher Loyalty, former FBI Director James Comey has a go at President Donald Trump in what early reviews are calling not a big shock.

I figured he'd be pretty angry and pretty much what we expected.

In the book, which will be released next week, Comey describes Trump's presidency as a forest fire, likens the president to a mob boss, and says Trump pressured him more than once to investigate the notorious Russian P-Tape.

He calls Trump untethered to truth, which, as a connoisseur of bullshit, goes up towards the top of the list of great euphemisms for bullshit.

Alongside alternative facts, fake news, it feels true, I read it on the internet, and the bugle.

It's a rather lovely phrase, that, untethered to truth.

Also, in the book, he says he is unencumbered by the perceived necessity of factualism.

He is a man able and more importantly willing to overlook the restraining manacles of veracity.

He fears not to belch into the lunchbox of rigorously researched accuracy and leaves himself free to enjoy the full smorgasbord offered by the head chef at La Bistro de Lusion.

So

I guess it's a time.

I mean, that kind of did he, I mean, I've got no problem with

if that incident in the Russian hotel room did happen.

I mean, is that surely, as I said this about David Cameron with the pig's head tape, I mean, surely from America's point of view, it is far better to have a president who has already been urinated on by prostitutes in a Russian hotel room than a president who is constantly wondering what it would be like.

You know, I mean, he has enough trouble f ⁇ ing concentrating as it is, you know, get it out of the way.

China is essentially about to invade Australia, I think.

They appear to have bought Vanuatu.

New Zealand is next, which they're going to get for, I believe, about $4.3 million.

Slightly above the market rate.

Alice, are you worried about China taking over the entire hemisphere?

Well, there's arguments that they're about to put a base in Vanuatu because they own almost half of Vanuatu's $440 million debt, and they're planning to use that as leverage to get them to agree to host a military base.

And it seems like the kind of sensible, economic-based sinisterness we've come to expect from this global superpower.

Look, my cousin got married in Vanuatu, so I can tell you for sure that it is a hospitable and lovely place, perfectly situated for the launching of hostilities.

China and Vanuatu have both denied the Fairfax report, which means we should either assume it's not true and be worried about the quality of our national journalism and its tendency to beat up stories in a fear-mongering compulsion to keep people anxiety buying the products of an increasingly moribund news journalism industry, or else we should assume it is true.

like, you know, of course, the two parties with a vested interest in denying their plans to set up a military base would deny it.

It's like when your hot boss says he's not hitting on your wife, like, sure, he would say that even if he was hitting on your wife, but he was saying that also if he wasn't hitting on your wife.

So basically, we're either fked or not fked, but I didn't think we had trust issues, Sandra.

In Vanuatu, I think we talked about this on the Bugle some time ago.

Prince Philip is a god in Vanuatu.

Is he still alive?

He's immortal.

The people of Vanuatu have made their decision.

He is fully fully immortal.

I mean, just make you think maybe China took one look at this place and thought maybe we can outsmart them.

They've made Prince Philip a god.

He's infallible on Vanuatu.

Yep, he cannot go on fire.

I mean, no one seems to be if the invasion of Australia, as announced on this podcast, is going ahead,

no one seems to be that worried about it on the streets of Melbourne.

I took the temperature just before we came in here, and no one's, you know, people weren't rushing or trying to buy bread, you know, the things you normally do before an invasion.

They were just drinking quite expensive tiny cups of not very hot coffee.

Like they always do.

I am struck always by, I think it's the problem that there hasn't been a recession in Australia for so long, certainly in Melbourne and Victoria anyway.

And I'm obsessed with Australian shops you walk past and you don't know what they're trying to sell.

It's just in the wind, big glass window with just a basket of limes in it and

a single old penguin book and an oppressively beautiful woman just standing in air-conditioned freezingness inside, just shaking her head, looking at me going it's not for you whatever it is

this is not for you

also in china um bad news for bicycles

oh yes bad news for bicycles in vari in environmentally friendly news now chinese bike rental services have been booming so hard they've made an own goal for the planet

so

So I had an illustration for this but I realise we've skipped a few slides and I don't have the technical capability.

Tom, can you put it on the

picture of the bicycles?

The picture of the bicycles.

Oh no no no no no don't go through it all.

Can you just say that?

A glimpse behind the magician's curtain.

There's nothing there

to respond to both of those statements.

Right, never mind.

I mean it's not intrinsic to the material, but there we go.

The dozens of competitive bike share companies have quickly flooded city streets with millions of brightly coloured rental bicycles that are now being sent to giant bicycle graveyards, thus defeating both the environmental and economic point of bike sharing services.

The explosion of excess bikes has also had a disastrous impact on the ecosystem, with bicycle thieves now completely cut out of the cycle cycle of life.

In knock-on effects, sales of bolt cutters and hoodies have plummeted and the worried mums of hoodlum teens are stuck with overflowing warehouses warehouses of now completely worthless phrases like, I can't even look at you right now.

On the bright side, I'm sure stadium-sized bike graveyards will come in useful for something later when the apocalypse arrives, or in the best possible scenario, everything in China will soon be made out of bicycles like a lazy steampunk nightmare.

Oh, look, another fountain that's also a gyroscope.

I mean, Melbourne does have its own version of that, but there's been a disastrous bike share scheme here called O-Bikes, and you'll notice them because they're mostly

oh bikes

oh I thought it was like an Irish name an Irish person that set it up

and

these

these bikes are

unlike the ones we have in Ireland and the UK they're untethered to a docking station so untethered again that word's come up and you can just put them anywhere around the city mostly in trees and

one week 42 were hauled out of the river Yarra which is an amazing statistic because, as they're wherever they are, their satellite homing devices are still working.

So, you can see where they are and they're underwater.

Let's move on now to Ireland abortion referendum news.

Oh, brilliant.

Let me get the handle.

Here we go.

Let me.

I think the moral of the story is your PowerPoint skills are the real abortion here.

You'd be arrested for making that joke in Ireland.

So to the listeners at the house.

This is just bullying, Andy.

To the listeners at home, I believe Andy's laptop has now switched to, what do you call that effect when you leave a laptop for a while and beautiful pictures of like icebergs and polar bears just.

You call it a miracle.

There we go.

Oh, this is the illustration for the Ireland story, Dave.

That's what I was trying to get to.

Happy, there we go.

Happy eighth.

Repeal the eighth, Dave.

I mean, that's 4 a.m.

job, that is.

Come on.

Cut me some slack.

Is Ireland about to be brought kicking and screaming into the 20th century?

Only if it has the resources to properly support and love a kicking, screaming new world.

Otherwise, I totally support its decision to wait until it's ready to bring a new reform.

Ireland's a tricky country.

In 2015, we made a really big deal of being the first country in the world to have a referendum break.

It's not a plebiscite, to decide if everyone should be allowed to get married.

And we patted ourselves on the back and we went, brilliant, we're so modern now.

But you still can't get an abortion for any reason, in incredibly limited circumstances, not for a rape or a fatal fetal abnormality.

So this is

one of those referendums, like most referendums, I suppose, that are people in their late 60s versus everyone else.

But they all vote.

And then the tricky.

So I will obviously, I would say, being a liberal urban elite, that, yeah,

we're going to walk this.

But in 1996 was when the divorce referendum was, which is preposterous.

But this is a country that five years before had made condoms legal.

So

it's happening slowly.

In 1996, there was no divorce in Ireland.

So, I mean, my entire youth was going on play dates with other kids and be like, why is your dad living in a shed in the garden?

Your parents obviously hate each other so much because they couldn't break up.

And in 1996, I was in university and we were campaigning in favour of divorce and we stopped campaigning because we never met anyone in our city bubble that wasn't going to vote for a divorce.

And in the end, it got in by 51% to 49 and wouldn't have got in only a mini bus somewhere in the Midlands got its wheel stuck in a ditch.

So while I would be very confident that fundraising has been very good in Ireland so far in favour of repealing this Eighth Amendment, which guarantees equal right to life of a mother and an unborn child or fetus, so

whether it's going to get through now is going to be,

especially because they

have a lot of money.

The Don't Repeal the Eighth Side have a lot of money, probably coming from America.

And

yeah, Ireland has a

patchy enough record with women's rights that has made some excellent films, though, such as The Magdalene Sisters and Philomena.

So at least we have that as our awful legacy.

The Bishop of Derry

raised the question of if abortion rights are legalised where will it end?

Will it end with the lawful killing of the elderly and infirm?

That's what happens in England, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean it's

it's it's happened, I mean it's there's barely any elderly people in England now because people just go around slaughtering them willy-nilly.

I thought they all went to Spain.

I do understand.

Look, this is a situation where I'm going home and I'll be part of this thing.

And it's a question of

not dismissing, especially older people who are uncomfortable, who've grown up Catholic and are uncomfortable with the idea.

You have to be able to argue, to put forward a case as to why this needs to be changed in our constitution.

And I can relate to this because recently I've had to come to terms with my friend as a paleontologist, and she told me that apparently the T-Rex had feathers.

And I cannot accept that.

It is a tradition that I did not grow up with.

There is no way they were massive chickens.

No way!

I'm not having it!

But anyway, I've done a computer simulation on whether

abortion

rights will lead to the lawful killing of the elderly and infirm.

And well, it won't.

It's actually much more likely to just gradually move up through the AIDS brackets and start with the illegal killing of babies than children who are expensive and annoying.

Present company accepted.

I'm also killing the elderly.

I mean, what's the point of that?

It's a waste of ever.

They're basically dying off naturally anyway.

Well, let's do the punk turtle.

I've got a picture of him.

That is.

This Australian punk turtle is going endangered despite breathing through its genitals in a way that despite Gwyneth Poltro's overpriced vagina steaming suggestions to the contrary,

we poor humans are not capable of doing.

The endangerment of this punk turtle has been going viral mainly because it has cool hair, which makes it much more interesting than the hundreds of thousands of other species we drive to extinction each year.

Here is a list of other species that are going extinct, which I will describe for the listening audience.

This,

Tom?

Did you want me to?

Yes.

Oh, hang on.

There's another bit of tech coming up here.

Tom, this is where you earn the big bucks, mate.

I can describe it for the viewing audience.

Can I just point out my boss is actually in tonight?

It's none of my fault.

Really?

It's all Andy's fault.

He must have been very impressed with you sitting down at a desk doing nothing for the last 45 minutes.

Well, now, give them a pay rise.

I'm not going to mess with the PowerPoint.

You might have to go.

Okay, we'll try it.

Give it a go.

Blame me.

God.

I already.

And that is algae on its head, isn't it?

That is not hair.

That is a growth of algae.

And that, to me, is the.

I think it's a weave.

Right.

I mean, as you know, I'm at the cutting edge of hair fashion.

I'll look at that.

Right, this is very.

Hang tight.

Hey, here we go.

This is this yellow-eyed adult marmoset fetus, known as an eye-eye, has ears like mummified testicles and creepily prehensile fingers for climbing trees and picking pockets.

That is what Bernie Sanders will look like in 900 years' time as well.

This finless porpoise, whose charming smile is the only thing keeping its glistening hide and creepy finlessness from being entirely reminiscent of the chestbuster from the alien movies.

And this, known as the penis snake.

Oh my!

And what can be said about the penis snake that hasn't already been said about a penis?

It looks like a penis.

The greatest thinkers of history have done their best to encompass the complex beauty of this natural specimen.

I think it was Aristotle who said, Holy shit, that looks like a penis.

Are you sure it isn't just a picture of a purple penis?

To the listeners at home, this picture looks like Darth Vader in a sleeping bag.

My genuine screensaver.

Just one moment while I get the PowerPoint back.

Tom, can you cut that laugh in after one of my lines?

I'm a man who knows a thing or two about extreme animal facts because a few years ago myself and Claudia O'Dougherty of the Sydney Parish wrote two books of made-up facts about animals that have some of the most confused Amazon reviews you will ever see.

There's a 100 facts about sharks that includes 90% of shark attacks take place in water.

Of the 10% that take place outside of it, the most common scenarios are on the decks of fishing boats, stuffed sharks falling from their mountings and crushing people in museums,

and people falling out of bed during shark-based nightmares.

That's the kind of fact that I appreciate being brought onto this podcast, David.

We have a third co-host for the first first time uh on uh the uh uh the bugle.

Uh so if those of you who saw my show last year uh might remember that uh Trump was my co-star and he's uh I brought him back this year.

So um uh this is uh my 3D printout of Donald Trump's brain which um

you can see now.

Uh so I thought we'd uh maybe get try and get his view'cause I turned him into a cricket fan in my show last year so I thought I'd maybe try and just get uh get his view on uh on the uh the match uh the the ball tampering scandal.

So uh Donald, you alright?

Yes.

Can you pump this up?

Is that oh, we're having this.

So are you all right?

Yes.

Yes.

This is not going to work.

Just.

Well, I'll tell you, if you want to know how that bit was going to go, come back to next week's show.

To quote one of my favourite speeches of the week to describe how I think this bugle has gone was the Juventus goalkeeper Buffon at the age of 40 was sent off in possibly his last ever Champions League match.

And afterwards, he was asked to comment on how he thought the ref had been.

And he said, clearly, you cannot have a heart in your chest but a rubbish bin.

You have to be a murderer to make the decisions you've made.

And

that's how I feel about you with this podcast.

I've had a great time.

Well, I hope you've all had a great time as well.

I'll be back at the same time next Sunday with Tom Ballard and DT Mittel.

Do go and see Alice and David's shows.

Do you want to give your shows a plug?

I'll be...

Well, I'll be...

When's this coming out?

Well, I mean, it's coming out to these people right now.

Literally right now.

I mean,

with all, you know.

I'm on in the

forum in Melbourne till next Sunday, and then I'm doing an Australian tour afterwards to all the places around the edges, brackets none or if a seagull can't land on the venue, I will not play it.

Alex.

I have three things to plug.

Number one is my solo show, Ethos, which is a double act with a robot that works better than that.

Secondly, next week on Saturday, I am doing three one-hour shows in one three-hour show.

And it's going to be a fing disaster, so come along.

And third, Tom, who works at the ABC, is producing a podcast called Troll Play that I am in, and it's where we take the shit of the internet and turn it into the flowers of joy.

So tune into that as and when it comes out.

And if you want to see my solo show it's here called Right Questions, Wrong Answers at six o'clock today, seven o'clock next week until Sunday.

On the basis of this show you just stand there getting electrocuted for everyone.

Well it's not that far off to be honest.

But you know it's good to have a niche, isn't it?

Oh yeah he's the comedian that electrocutes himself on stage.

Thank you very much for coming buglers.

I hope you've enjoyed it.

It's sort of been a bit of a technical issue, but I think we've all learned something.

Thank you, Donald.

We'll see you all next week.

Good night.

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.