Bugle 4052 – Brexcitement!

The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4052 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

As we speak, here in London, there is mayhem on the streets, wild celebrations, the likes of which have not been seen since VE Day in 1945.

Maybe even since we stuck it to the Vikings at the Battle of Stamford Bridge in 1066.

Perhaps even since the land bridge to Europe finally sank permanently into the sea some 8,000 or so years ago, making us the island we have always been since the dawn of the universe.

Because we have reached a deal with the European Union on the terms of Brexit.

pending the next stage of negotiations.

Yes!

What a day!

One of the greatest days in the the history of Brexit negotiations.

Sake, Chris, put some inspirational music under this.

Good boy.

At least 8 to 12 million people out on the streets of London right now dancing, hugging, quite literally smooching each other into lights that the next phase of negotiations, and what a phase of negotiations that promises to be, can now begin in terms of hardness or softness of Brexit on the Govminiban scale previously discussed from this show.

Well, to my untrained eye, it looks like a soft-ish Brexit, a bit like being punched in the face by Mr.

Staypuffed, the giant marshmallow man monster from Ghostbusters, or sleeping in a pit of fresh donkey dung.

So it's the ideal middle ground solution in that no one is going to be fully happy with it.

The remainers still want to remain, and the leavers think we've been stabbed in the back and we're basically still in Brussels because we're not going to be allowed to scoop all the asylums over the cliffs of Dove with a Magic Bridges Spoon Catapult Hybrid.

Which means that everyone in Britain has full constitutional carte blanche to whinge about everything to do with Brexit forever and blame everyone else for it.

So this in real terms is the win-win situation we all wanted because we are Britain and it is our democratic destiny to be knocked off and grumpy about stuff.

You can cut the music now cheers.

That is a lovely record player you brought in this week Chris.

What is it?

Is it 1911 Columbia Graffanola Princess if I'm not much mistaken?

Lovely sound quality.

That is actually true.

There of course remains some distance to go before the official triggering of our national ejector seek to kaplang us into our new global international

worldwide pan-continental future.

But for now, let us sit back and savour the sweet, sweet smell of biggrudging compromise.

What a day.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann.

Sorry, I'm still welling up here.

And we are here in London this week on Friday, the 8th of December, 2017, and I'm joined by two people who will do their best to keep their Brexcitement at the Brex Deal news under control.

So we can talk probably about other important things in the world as we're fitting this august organ of music Veracity, the official podcast of record for the human race trademark, welcome back, firstly, to our official southern hemisphere correspondent, Alice Fraser.

Hello, Andy, as somebody from an isolated island in the middle of nowhere, I'm so glad you've decided to join us.

And also, welcome back to my fellow future former European, Tiffany Stevenson.

Oh, yeah.

I've just been feeling less European as the days go by.

I've heard they've started putting away tables and chairs, so al fresco dining is finally done.

Oh, right.

I saw a man on the street burning a beret.

To be fair, that's just because it's a shit hat.

But

oh, I love a beret.

I think it just adds an air of intrigue/slash bellend.

I think it's a really great hat.

Intrigue/slash bellend.

Well, that's kind of what you want on your online dating profile, isn't it?

So, yes, we're recording.

It's the 8th of December

2017.

On this day in 1953, Dwight Eisenhower gave his Atoms for Peace speech about how if we all tell our atoms to calm down and stop waggling around so much, the world will be fine.

Yesterday, on the 7th of December,

43 BC, Cicero, the legendary ancient Roman celebrity, lawyer, politician, philosopher, writer, orator, and all-round irritating smartass, popped his clogs.

Well,

to be accurate, yeah, he had his clogs non-voluntarily popped for him, as so often happened to annoying people in ancient Rome.

Killed by two government government hitmen while on his way to the seaside, he then had his head and hands nailed up on a wall for everyone who had to have a good old gawpat, which is not what you want on a crisp December morning.

But Cicero left an enduring legacy, a catalogue of smart-ass comments which have informed and enriched us ever since, many of which remain piquantly relevant today.

For example, politicians are not born, they are excreted.

Bear in mind, Cicero was at work more than 2,000 years before Donald Trump kind of won the 2016 U.S.

election.

Those are prophetic words.

He said, This, a room without books is like a body without a soul.

But to be fair, he had never had to read the ghost-written autobiography of a 22-year-old footballer

or a set of the complete Miffy books to his children.

How do they exist?

Or even Betsy Lewis's Through England on My Knees.

What is this?

I can't remember if you've talked about this on the Bugle and Michael.

I thought you just made that up.

Do you know what that book might be about?

Through England on My Knees?

Is it gardening?

I hope it's gardening.

Not gardening.

Religion?

Closer,

but not rights.

Football.

Not football, nor is it

any other activity that involves getting on your knees for it.

It's, in fact, a brass rubbing odyssey.

One of the best selling books in literary history.

Every, you know, childhood, it's like rich, it's ritual, isn't it?

Yeah.

As a kid, if you go,

you know, Westminster Cathedral or any of the other,

you know, all the cathedrals.

St.

Paul's.

Is Westminster even a cathedral?

That's the Catholic one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You go, you, you go, you rub.

Yeah.

You rub.

And it's really, you know,

it's satisfying.

It's a fundamental part of being British.

It is.

It really is.

Because it, like, it serves no purpose, really, beyond going, I went there and look, this is not a good version of some of the brass that exists in that cathedral.

But, um, but a woman's written a book about it, and I don't want to diminish that.

Is it a good reason?

I'll be honest.

I have not read all of it.

It was given to me by my sister, Helen, C.

Bugle's previous, as a Christmas present one year.

Grow up.

Best Christmas present ever.

I know that whenever I'm on my knees looking at something, I think that could be shinier.

Alice.

Alice?

Oh, Family Show.

Family show.

I'm talking about brass, Andy.

I'll be honest, out of all of us on the podcast today, I didn't expect that that would be the thing that you would say.

Andy, obviously.

Obviously, Andy.

He also said, Cicero, to be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child.

Which sounds awesome.

Because it's f ⁇ ing great being a child.

I have children.

They have the best fing time in the world.

Also, to remain always a child and be ignorant of what occurred before you were born makes deciding where capitals of places like Israel and or Palestine should be.

Makes that so much easier if you were born in, say, 1946.

And no thought about what happened before then.

These are prophetic words.

They who say, said Cicero, that we should love our fellow citizens, but not foreigners, they destroy the universal brotherhood of mankind with which benevolence and justice would perish forever.

Now if you'd written it in English instead of Latin, maybe more people would take some fing notice of that kind of stuff today.

I just think the head and hands getting nailed to the wall at this time of year brings a really new meaning to the Christmas decor.

I want to see that down Regent Street.

Yeah.

I was just I was thinking of your brass rubbings on your knees and Latin and then thinking Carpe Phallum, which is actually the correct tense.

So

those of you listening that think I don't know Latin, I do when it counts.

So they did used to, I mean, that used to be

on on London Bridge they used to stick up the heads of people who'd been executed.

Oh, was it on the weren't they on the pikes?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is, I think, I mean, I think that's probably the origin of

Christmas Lightning.

Bunting?

Yeah, Yeah, bunting.

Ed bunting.

Ed bunting.

Just a sort of painted flags on people's faces.

As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, Christmas gifts guide.

Obviously, most of you will have already bought as Christmas gifts tickets to my Soho theatre showing on the 18th of December.

Or my UK tour.

All dates and tickets at Andy'soltsom.co.uk slash shows.

Great present.

So much more environmentally friendly than buying someone a shipping container full of plastic bags to dump in the sea.

So much better for society than giving them a bazooka or a Kalashnikov.

But we also look at other hot Christmas gifts this year, including a turkey jacuzzi.

Now, the

sort of slow...

Isn't that just soup?

The slow authentic food trend has led to an increase in people slaughtering their own meat at home with home abattoirs.

And the turkey jacuzzi, well, as we all know, a relaxed bird is a tasty bird.

So get your Christmas turkey ready for the oven with a pre-slaying bubbly jacuzzi bath that fits comfortably into most household kitchens.

Warning, only for use on turkeys.

Do not try to relax a Christmas goose with it.

Geese go nuts in jacuzzis.

That's why you mostly see them on very calm ponds and not naturally bubbling volcanic springs.

Also, for Christmas, why not give one of your friends or loved ones a Westminster bubble?

Travel everywhere in your own Westminster bubble,

insulated from the true realities of underground politics and real life.

It's basically a big plastic sorbing ball, but with a scale model of the Houses houses of parliament on the inside, which can get a bit spiky, and a hologram of BBC political correspondent Laura Koonsberg telling you all the latest Whitehall gossip, warning may cause a loss of perspective and an obsession with other people's personal ambitions.

Oh, it's going straight in the landfill, Andy.

Anyway, that section in the, oh, now, of course, I should mention at this stage last week, we had the Bugle Advent Calendar.

You're going to get that later in the show.

Don't worry, you're getting your Advent Calendar, Bugless.

The Advent Calendar of Lies will continue later in the show.

Top story this week.

And

well,

Donald Trump appears to have gone about the delicate Middle East situation,

which famously over thousands of years of human history has been a tricky thing to deal with sensitively, and he has gone about it like a c in a china shop

wearing a pantomime bull outfits while shouting china china china smashy smashy china

um

like he's here andy

uh obviously you know i'm i i am jewish uh therefore yeah i don't really see what the problem is it's all there in black and white it's clearly ours where are you talking about well uh well jerusalem generally i i thought jerusalem was builded here oh in that's Milton Peans.

He just got the town the town name wrong.

In England's dark satanic mills.

Yeah.

Was it not?

It was.

I'm so confused by this,

I had to get my Scottish boyfriend to explain it to me.

Yeah.

Which I sometimes do.

So that thinks it might be a regular feature now that I have my Scottish boyfriend explain things to me.

So Scottish boyfriend explains it.

Do you want to know how he explained it?

Yeah.

I had to ask him to explain to me how the situation came about in the first place.

And what he said was

after World War II everybody felt bad for like the Jewish people and that so let's get some of the holy land

Arabs Arab states said naman gima bit or Germany because they were the ones who were out of order during the war and then everyone else said na pal Jerusalem and gradually Israel have just taken the piss in it so in 1967 they then annexed a bit so Israel stole it and now Trump has basically gone well you stole it ages ago so it's yours now.

A bit like findest keepers except stealers keepers.

Well I mean it's it's slightly alarming that your Scottish boyfriend appears to have a slightly more nuanced appreciation of the delicate

situation than the leader of the free world.

I think it's a genius move by Trump.

What he's gone in is he's gone in and he's just been an art arta fool and I'm hoping I think he's hoping to unite them against him.

I think he's being a real hero here, putting himself out there and hoping that they can at least all agree on the common ground that he is ahead.

Bringing the world together.

Well, as I said, you know, it's our land, as one of God's chosen people, promised to us by God, or was it Arthur Balfour?

I forget.

Was he the son of...

Was Balfour the son of?

I forget.

Were they related?

I can't remember.

Anyway, but I mean, just through history over hundreds of thousands of years.

Jerusalem has, well, it's kind of changed hands more often than the flesh-regenerating kleptomaniac Saudi Arabian android.

Is that going to be on the next season of Doctor Who?

Because I need to see that.

Balfour, very much the King Solomon of his day, wisely cutting the metaphorical baby of Jerusalem in half, although he slipped when he saw a puff in and cut the baby into two rather uneven halves.

But, you know, it's been right since the very creation of Earth in 4004 BC, Jerusalem's been a

battleground.

I don't know.

My theory is that there are assholes on each end of this very complex faceted asshole machine, and they're just spraying each other.

And then everyone in the radius of the shit spray gets covered in shit, and then they get angry and drop their pants.

And then there's a veritable unidirectional travia fountain of rage poop.

It stinks.

It stinks, Andy.

But also, Lashana Hava Baby Yarushalehim.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Next year in Jerusalem, Andy, as a half-Jew and a lapsed Jew, let's do it.

I have no Jewish

heritage, but

I have been called Jewish on Twitter.

Well, I say I've been called Jewish.

It was sort of an anti-Semitic kind of rant at me.

I've teached in some reform synagogues, that was.

But

there's a theory, isn't there?

There's this religious theory from the Christians claiming it's to regain control of Temple Mount and bring about the actual apocalypse.

And you'll know if that's going to happen because I'll be on my period as actually anything to do with the apocalypse is totally synced with my menstrual cycle.

just so you know.

This is like a true fact.

I don't think I have a biological clock.

I think I have a doomsday one.

So just like that.

It is the blood tide.

Check in with me and I'll let you know if that's the case.

Okay, so you are the official harbinger of apocalypse for me.

Yeah, like my vagina's like Nostradamus.

That's why her Scottish boyfriend's nickname is Moses.

Well,

what a, I can't imagine this has been covered on Bugle before.

I'm so glad it has today.

But I did want to have Tammy Winnett on singing my vaginas.

It's a decision that's split opinion.

Some have praised Trump for doing what he said he would do.

And Trump himself posted a video of previous American presidents saying that they would acknowledge Jerusalem as their capital of Israel, but then

quietly brushing it under the carpet.

So he tweeted this video.

of these previous presidents uh and then you know basically proudly proclaiming that he was the only one stupid enough to actually do anything about it.

If you know nothing about politics, Mr.

Trump, don't answer that.

If you know nothing about the art of saying something obvious, you don't mean just to butter people up before quietly going about the serious business of not doing what you said you're going to do for reasons of geopolitical practicality.

International relations, especially in the Middle East, delicate game of high-stakes diplomatic Jenga.

And Trump plays Jenga like a rhinoceros in a cement mixer.

It's not going to end well.

He thinks Reha Politik is an act in Vegas.

In terms of capital cities, though, I mean, I think, you know, if Donald Trump can

butt into this conversation as he did Unwanted, I personally would like now to recognise as the official capital of the United States, on behalf of the Bugle, the tiny village of Elk River, Idaho,

which I now view as the official capital of the United States.

Now, long-term buglers may remember that in Bugle 156, I personally declared war on Elk River

and suggested that Chris would do a triathlon as a key part of our military invasion of Elk River.

But, you know, I like to think it's part of the peace process now.

I'm prepared to

acknowledge it somewhere.

We need to move on.

What's the deal with Elk River in Idaho?

What's the beef?

The beef.

That's how old

political.

The origin of the beef was its population was 156, and it was issue 156 of the bugle.

And I figure there was only room for one 156-related thing in the world.

Well, I have the footage of the original Declaration of War.

We'll play it at the end of the show.

But, you know, I like, you know, now we've built it's time to build bridges now.

We need to set history aside.

Yeah.

And I think I'm an example for all of humanity in doing so.

And you need to find somewhere that has 4,052 occupants.

Yes.

Does this mean we get the bedonka donks off site?

Well, the bedonka donks, do we deploy bedonka donks to Elk River, Idaho?

I can't remember.

Yeah,

there's about 156 lined up outside the edge of the town.

Well, at least withdraw them to the hills.

Are there hills in Idaho?

I have no idea.

Have you had a parade to display your bedonka dogs to frighten the villagers?

Well, that's really good.

They are, it's all about intimidation at that level of warfare.

Yeah.

We should probably actually take this to the man himself and find out what God himself actually thinks.

God now joins us.

Let's find out now.

Mr.

God, are you there?

Holo, Andy, Tiff, Alice, love the show.

Chris, unsung hero.

Yes, God.

Well, I was just wondering if you had anything to say on a peaceful, lasting solution to the whole Jerusalem issue that will please all the fans of your various different competing franchises.

Sorry, what was that?

Andy, you're breaking up there.

Lion's got a victory.

Something about the different French ISIS that no one wants to have.

Just quickly, God, if we can just get through it on this crackly line, could you say once and for all, who gets Jerusalem?

We're sorry, your call cannot be reconnected.

Please try again later, or pray unusually hard.

Thank you.

I always knew he was a fan.

Or she.

I mean, it it sounded like a he, to be fair.

She could have a very deep voice.

Yeah.

I mean, do we want to open this kind of words?

How does God self-identify in terms of gender?

Yes, yeah.

And let's not go there.

Time magazine person of the year news now.

The person of the year this year in the Time magazine went to, quote, the silence breakers, the endless parade of women who have stepped forward to take powerful men to task for sexual harassment and assault.

Trump was mentioned in the magazine eight times after having tweeted that Time wanted him for their coverboy.

Actually, he was listed both as the runner-up and also a harasser, eight times as a harasser.

I mean listing Trump as the runner-up for a bunch of women who accused sexual harassers is like naming Reva Steenkamp as Woman of the Year with Oscar Pistorius as runner-up, or Emmeline Pankhurst as Woman of the Year and the Patriarchy as the runner-up.

He is the runner-up in the way that the dude chasing you home from the train station is the runner-up.

Like he's behind you, but not for a good reason.

We both did me too hashtags.

Does that mean we can change our CVs to include time co-person of the years?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, a couple of things that I need to say.

At this point, I would like to say we need a moratorium on bathrobes.

Terry toweling bathrobes.

I think we have to learn from like Trump, Cosby, and Weinstein.

I had an experience when I was like 19 with a creepy producer in a bathrobe.

So I don't know what it is about toweling bathrobes.

They put it on, it's like an exfoliator for morals.

I think it's just too much temptation.

It's like short skirts for women, just the access is too easy.

Yeah, oh, I got all that disgusting humanity off me.

And maybe it absorbs all the self-loathing they feel.

And yeah, it's kind of like, isn't it like that?

It's quite telling this Time magazine.

Because like 2016, we're in a space where Hillary still had a shot and women were riding high.

In 2017, it's like shot down and

being masturbated at in a doorway.

Like, that's that's where we are.

So, it's it feels like a sad state of affairs, but also positive, I guess, that people are speaking up and and women are finally being heard on this.

I mean, not on any of the late-night talk shows, uh,

panel shows, or yeah, but you know, generally,

look, what's happening?

We're being heard here, thank you, Andy.

We're being heard here, we outnumber you.

We're taking over.

This is uh my uh, my daughter, uh, someone

i have a daughter

uh she did say to me um a few months ago she said daddy you are too silly to be a patriarch

that's the best compliment anyone could ever give yeah that that should be that should be the rule yeah i mean it's been an interesting time on twitter uh let's say that it's been an interesting time if you've had anything to say um

Actually, it's always an interesting time on Twitter if you're a woman with something to say.

Oh, yeah.

But

it will be interesting to see how this all unpacks unpacks down the line.

It's a genuine point.

I think ego is underneath a lot of this and the ability to take a hard no.

And some men appear to be unable to.

And I have to say some because otherwise people go, no, men.

And you're like, okay, all right.

How about never women?

Oh, I don't know.

But yes,

I feel like there are important discussions to be had.

And Time magazine are obviously leading from the front by giving these.

Yeah, so it's quite an optimistic person of the year because

basically it's

an award not for the person who's done the best things, it's the person who's had the most impact.

So, you know, Hitler and Stalin have won it in the past.

But I mean, this is an unusually, you know, hopefully this will be a

turning point in the way human beings.

If a corporation can be a person, why not a hashtag?

Discuss.

It was Aristotle who said that first, wasn't it?

I think it's a step towards AI taking over.

Hashtags are people now.

Hashtag not all hashtags.

Can hashtags vote yet?

Soon.

Right.

They can vote on Twitter polls, which is basically the same thing.

In Irish Village of Dog Boners News Now.

They have some really odd place names there.

This is my favourite kind of news, which is the kind of news where the news headline is directly contradicted by the content of the article, so you get to believe whatever you want to believe.

It's also the kind of news where I have to Google dog boners, which isn't my favorite kind of news, but certainly makes me happy about universal surveillance.

Residents of a tiny Irish village where Viagra is manufactured have complained that fumes from a nearby factory have been giving men and dogs boners.

Pfizer said in the statement that the claims are a quote, amusing myth, so we will never know who is right.

My advice in such situations is always believe the words of a corporation and not the words of the man and his dog, unless they both have giant bones.

Oh, yeah, guys, let's strap in for for my attempt at a cork accent.

Wash now, jeers as Phydor has got a rear drawer on him.

Have you seen the Mickey on Mickey?

That's my favorite.

That's my favorite.

Barmaid Debbie O'Grady told the Sunday Times, one whiff in your stiff.

We've been getting the love fumes for years now for free.

And that is why my love for Ireland is never ending, apart from the Eighth Amendment.

Get it gone.

In fact, I think this village should be the Repeal the Eighth campaign headquarters because it really is the coal face.

Like, you put that many boners in the air, people are going to get pregnant.

So, I think we should move campaign headquarters to wherever the.

It's in Cork, isn't it?

Yeah, yep, massive bonus, no heart disease.

Great village.

I just feel a bit sorry for the dogs in this, that they're just being judged now.

On

I just think we should stop willy-shaming the poor little dogs because it's harder than spending your entire life with your dog junk on display for the world to see without being told that it looks too big.

Australian same-sex marriage updates now.

It's now fully legal.

Yes, in the post-postal vote landscape, the Australian Senate has voted overwhelmingly for legalising same-sex marriage, with only four Scrooge Mc dissenting.

A sweaty handful of Conservative legislators tried to add amendments that they said were meant to safeguard religious freedoms for opponents of same-sex marriage, but their efforts failed.

Prime Minister Turnbull noted that nothing in the legislation requires ministers or other celebrants to oversee weddings of gay couples or threatens the charity status of religious religious groups that oppose same-sex marriage.

That was two concerns that the lawmakers had raised.

I think it's a shame that he put these fears to rest because if we all just got together and agreed that not only would this legislation lead to mass dog marriage and that gay marriage would legally require compulsory gay fiancés to force you to make a gay cake while wearing leather chaps, we might scare all the stupidest homophobes into fleeing the country.

I mean, you know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom as far as I'm concerned, but I ain't spending any more time on it because in the meantime, every three months a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in far north Queensland.

That was one of the most incredible pieces of footage I think I've seen.

I genuinely watch it every night before I go to sleep.

It's the most Australian thing I've ever seen.

Just a man deeply uncomfortable with his own homophobia turning immediately to crocodiles.

Have all heterosexual marriages in Australia now been instantly annulled as a result of this legislation?

Because, I mean, surely

they can't possibly stand now, can they?

Well, unfortunately, they do stand as the Christian Conservative couple who threatened to dissolve their match in the eyes of the law found out that apparently that is not allowed.

Is loveless marriage still legal, or is that now

going to be next on the statute books?

Oh, no, I think loveless marriage is almost compulsory.

I think it is.

I think what you want is one of those long-distance relationships where you live together but you've grown apart.

Bitcoin news and the value of Bitcoin,

which I still don't understand and I never will, but I sincerely hope I die that way.

The pretend currency has blasted through the $15,000 mark.

It's part of a record-breaking digital currency surge.

Now, Alice, you are our cryptocurrency correspondent here on the Bugle.

Basically, correct me if I'm wrong, but people used to be dunked in ponds and/or barbecued for this kind of shit, didn't they?

Yes, the blockchain is definitely witchcraft and has been likened to Dante's Inferno by the chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland, Sir Howard Davies, who suggested it should be seen as an apocalyptic decay of our idea of currency.

Right, so basically, we've got two signs of the apocalypse in one podcast.

Plus, Tips period and Bitcoin.

Three.

Tips period, Jerusalem, Bitcoin, and England going 2-0 down in the ashes.

Actually, that's what we're going to have in a pocket every four years.

Well, he genuinely wanted the Bank of England and other authorities to launch a coordinated warning.

I'm not sure that they know enough about what Bitcoin is, he said.

Which, you know, is basically they're worried that people are trading an incomprehensible metaphor for value without truly understanding the complex mechanics behind it.

A lot like people do with actual money.

But this one isn't controlled by the banks, so it's heaps less trustworthy because banks are great.

It's basically just money that is even more pretend than real money, which is pretend and largely debt, so it's double pretend.

But the double pretend money is not in control of bankers

and therefore they are very upset by it because we know how much we can trust.

If you're buying double pretend money with other double pretend money of a different sort, is that a double negative?

Does that mean you get four times the real money?

Here is the economic truth.

Money is like fairies.

If you don't believe in it, it dies.

So we all have to just believe in it as hard as we can, and then we can buy our house or avocado.

Okay, you're sounding like a Tory government minister.

Just say these poor people.

You don't need benefits.

You just need to believe more.

You just, yeah, you do.

You do.

There's no gold or silver standard anymore, is there?

So there's nothing to prove.

I think I left a Bitcoin down the back of the sofa, so it's probably worth fishing that out now.

How much is it worth?

16,000, one bit.

Yeah.

One bit coin.

So yeah, that would be a touch.

Right.

That could get me through in Edinburgh.

It's actually very historically

derived the name Bitcoin.

It comes from the time when people used to bite coins to see if they were real.

And the thing with Bitcoins is when you bit all the way through a coin, you realise it's not a real coin, and that's a Bitcoin.

Right.

And what about the chocolate coin?

Is that a fact?

I just made it up right then, literally right then.

That's good.

I was a bit worried about that.

Her ability to lie is terrifying.

Well, that's why she's on the f ⁇ ing shop.

You sold that so well.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Actually.

What about the chocolate coin?

Because there's quite a few of them flushing around at this time of year.

Oh, they're each worth about $40,000 a rupee.

Oh, that's good.

My kids are going to do very well this Christmas.

On the subject of Christmas, Bugle Advent Calendar of Lies, part two.

We launched part one last week.

I realized I only did the first six, I think, Chris.

I didn't get around to number seven.

Supposed to be seven a week.

Yeah, I don't think there was any need to pick up on that.

F you.

Seven days rest.

So anyway, here is

the entry for the 7th of December on the Bugle Advent calendar.

We opened the doors on Advent calendars to commemorate Brenda Rubinstein, who lived across the road from Mary and Joseph and really loved babies.

She would throw open her window every morning and shout, have you had the baby yet?

That's why we open windows on Advent calendars.

That's a fact.

The 8th of December.

Archangel Gabriel was renowned as the mole within God PLC who leaked the news of the birth of Jesus.

He was inexperienced as an archangel at the time, having only been promoted in 3 BC after a great angeling season in 4 BC that saw him dispense revelations to more than 76 people and beat Archangel Michael four revelations to two in the final.

9th of December.

Snowmen Facts.

Snowmen were initially invented as a disguise by King Herod's secret police, the Judiths.

Short for the Judea Investigators.

We had a lisp, King Herod, a lot of Lisp going around and people in power at the time, as you know if you've seen the film.

It was not legal to build a snowwoman in Britain until 1918.

Did you know that?

The suffragettes changed all that.

Gay snowmen are illegal in Saudi Arabia.

If the government catches a gay snowman, they will cut off its carrots and melt it down.

Due to the decline in the global coal industry, many snowmen now go topless.

10th of December, Mary and Joseph did not plan for a manger birth.

They wanted to have a water birth in the Dead Sea, but it was shut down because the water was so salty that the mums kept bobbing up to the top when trying to give birth.

11th of December, baubles on a Christmas tree represent the bubble gum bubbles Joseph was blowing during the holy birth.

He wasn't fully engaged.

Understandably.

12th of December.

The reason we associate robins with Christmas is because a robin shat on the windscreen of Joseph and Mary's donkey when they went to Bethlehem.

The splatter pattern looked like a bottle of wine, which Mary took as a sign from God that Jesus would work as a waiter in a fancy restaurant.

13th of December.

Santa's reindeer went on strike over paying conditions in 1958.

It became known as the year with no Christmas.

The strike was resolved when Santa screamed, I'll fking eat the fking lot of you.

I've got a Norwegian chef starting next week in the canteen, so buck the fk up.

14th of December, the Carol, once in Royal David City, could have been very different.

In tough economic times, Bethlehem City Council signed a naming rights deal with royal cigarettes.

Hence, young Christ was born in Royal David City.

If he'd been born two years later, the Carol would have been once in Rothman's David City.

And the 15th of December, the three wise men were late to the birth.

This was because when they were following the star, Melchior, who, as discussed last week, was not intellectually the sharpest lemon in the fruit bowl, kept jumping up in the air and saying, You're going the wrong way, the star is up there, upwards.

We need to follow it upwards, guys.

Hope you're from the Advent calendar next week.

Your emails now.

This comes from Dave in Los Angeles, who asks, is there a way to get an un-beeped version of the podcast?

Are there that many children listening to the bugle that needs to be edited for virgin ears?

Richard Branson's new company, that's.

I've never thought about that, but like, imagine if you just wanted to change a set of your ears.

I quite like Indian Elephant Ears.

Yeah.

You know, they're like kind of like neater, but

Dave, what we can't do that, but what we can do is I will record a minute and a half of just the worst expletives you could possibly imagine.

And if you send me some money, I will send it to you and you can drop them in at will.

Wow.

That is a big claim.

Maybe on next year's Radiotopia fundraising drive for us.

We have to offer

offering the pun runs this year.

My granny could

swear at you for a minute down the phone.

My granny could swear for two and a half minutes in Hungarian without repeating herself.

So

I've got big shoes to follow in.

Hungarian's, I mean it's an interesting language, isn't it?

Because

it's its own language, isn't it?

It's uninfluenced by other languages in the Indo-European tradition.

And there are complex and graphic

animal-related swear words that would turn your hair.

That's impressive.

Even frizzy.

Because you think other languages would assimilate swear words through the progress of linguistic history.

But for Hungary to come up with that many swear words without any external linguistic influence, that is hugely impressive.

What is there like your sheep's nipple?

That kind of.

Well, if there's any Hungarian, there's like duck's arsehole.

I genuinely cannot say, like, I know I'm willing to say a lot of things on air, but there's some things that just cannot be.

That's your personal red line, isn't it?

Yeah, the one that my granny used to start off with was Bastema Zulishten Lofese Shegete, which has something to do with a horse's penis.

He's got a Hungarian rugby song, I think.

So,

Dave said he'd prefer the most vulgar version of the show as possible.

Well, this is something we keep coming back to.

We've had many discussions about this over the years.

One of the great philosophical quandaries of our time, should we beep Deloyd?

It's f ⁇ ing

or not to beep.

I think we should beep them because they add mystery and only the unfinished can contain the infinite.

Also.

Very, very deep.

Yeah.

Brought a philosophical game to the show today.

Yeah.

And also it's funnier.

Yeah, it's funnier.

Yeah,

I prefer.

I think we'd probably swear less if it was unbleaped.

Yeah.

And only f when it unbleeps.

Yeah,

testify.

So just for sending that in, Dave, you're a f ⁇ ing

Thank you to whoever it was who signed up the bugle for free tickets to

Judge Roy Moore's election rally.

Now, unfortunately, much as I would have loved to go, I was unable to go.

when it was on, was it a couple of days ago?

But thanks.

Oh, just one, just one ticket.

Spelt my name wrong.

Thanks for that.

So hopefully I'll avoid getting on some kind of thing like this.

But I think maybe

this could be the

beacon of hope for the future that if, well, you know, even if there's 10,000, there's way more buglers than that.

So if you buglers, just sign up for all the free tickets.

to

events like that, you will see.

Yeah, every time Milo is going to speak,

buy up all the tickets, yeah.

That's what I mean.

People have done that to a lot of my shows over the years.

What protests buy your tickets?

Yeah, I mean, that's the only reason they've been so empty.

So, this is really just payback.

Do that next time, Roy Moore selling free tickets to a rally.

I don't want you giving money to him, but these were, I think, just free, free tickets.

Buy the fing lot, buglers.

I want to see him talking into an empty void.

Do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle.

Thanks very much for listening.

As always, Tiff, Alice, thanks very much for coming in.

Thanks for having us, Andy.

Have you got anything?

Thanks for having us.

Any shows you'd like to plug?

Oh.

Well, I don't know if it's gone up yet, but I'm doing Soho Theatre in May, and I'm doing a tour of Bombshell.

Also, I've got a bit of a merch on the go.

I plug that.

Can I?

Yeah, plug the merch.

Yeah, Optimist on DVD, which has been like I've got some in America.

I've got a stock in America.

So there's been a bunch going out there.

So interestingly, that is a show all about money not being real

and our optimism and belief in it.

So it kind of ties in with today's.

Also, it's a bit about gun control and the Kardashians and depression.

But if that sounds like something that sounds really fun to you, yeah.

I've got it on the top of my Twitter.

So if you just find out Tiff Stevenson, you'll see it there.

You can can order it.

Ditto, my show is up online.

Uh for Christmas merch, I also have uh No One's Gonna Die, We're All Gonna Die necklaces

that are available.

And I'm on Twitter at alliterative, A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E.

And I have a podcast, and I'm a nice person.

Right.

Good all this time.

This is I'm not a nice person, but still like buy my DVD.

I think my T V D is still available online somewhere

for download or the physical copy if you want to pay more than you have to for the download and have something cluttering up your house.

Just check, you can still buy my book as well.

It's now, what's coming?

Next year's going to be the 10th anniversary of my book on the credit crunch.

You can get it on a

prominent online retailer, largesouthamericanriver.co.uk.

Either used for 0.01 pence

or new for £169.35.

Your call.

Your call.

You're cool.

Thanks for listening, Bugler.

See you all in Soho from the 18th of December December onwards, please.

Until next time, when I'll be joined by Anivabh Powell.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Bye.

This is Bugle 156, John.

Which means that we've now run one bugle for each resident at the time of the 2000 census of the village of Elk River, Idaho.

And I would say that the planet ain't ain't big enough for the two of us, John.

There's only room for one thing related to the number 156, so it's with a heavy heart but a sense of duty that on behalf of the Bugle I declare war on the village of Elk River, Idaho.

Now, I think tactically the key, John, is to strike fast.

They're a small village in Idaho.

They won't be expecting a military onslaught.

So we probably want to hit their navy first.

They've got a big reservoir nearby before we send in the ground troops.

That's you, Ped and Chris.

Slash and Burn Tactics is the go-to, I reckon.

Chris Duntriathon, so he can swim across the reservoir, cycle into town, and then run around in his underpants, confusing people until you've knocked out the Elk River Lodge and general store.

That's going to be crucial to our hopes of eradicating Elk River as a going concern.

So, and also, it's famous for its proximity to America's largest tree.

So, I reckon we take that tree hostage and threaten to turn it into kitchen roll unless our demands are met.

We've got to break them psychologically.

And any buglers in Elk River wishing to sue for peace, please email in your surrender to thebugle at co.uk and mark the subject box, all hell, bugle lords, merciless masters of all.

We may not accept that, but we will consider it.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.