Bugle 4051 – Trump and the motto of Brexit

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4051 of the Bugle brought to you in association with our corporate partners Earth, the must-see destination in the solar system, the human race, still one of the top 10 greatest species in the world and andy zoltzmanns 2017 the certifiable history the forthcoming stand-up show at the soho theatre from the 18th of december to the 6th of january today is friday the 1st of december tickets available on the internet by the way easily the latest in a year we've recorded a bugle so far this year uh once again uh for the umpteenth time this year i am andy zoltzman or at least that's what i've been told since birth so let's assume there's some element of truth in it and i'm broadcasting to you from london where just just 21 years from now to the day we will formally announce the launch of our first exciting new post-Brexit global trading block the Britain Uzbekistan Libya Laos and St Helena Institute of Trade exciting times joining me this week a man who has seldom been described as one of the most influential figures in the evolution of funk music who is generally unheralded in the annals of major championship golf who is barely even mentioned whenever experts discuss the history of 19th century medicine But I'm afraid Slystone, Arnold Palmer and Louis Pasteur were all either busy or wanted way too much money.

So instead, we have to put up with Mish Kumar.

Hello, Andy. Hello, buglers.
I don't know what history of funk you've been reading, Andy.

I'll have you know I'm Croydon's bootsy collar.

How are you, Andy? Well, how am I, Nish? That's a difficult question.

Knocked after a weekend of zero sleep due to the ashes? Yes, I have been.

Watching England play cricket in Australia comes at a price.

It comes at a price in terms of just the physical endurance required of watching top-level sport that starts at midnight

and the psychological endurance of watching England raise an unusually large flag of hope before setting fire to that flag of hope

and burning it to a crisp. Yeah, it was a real roller coaster ride that first test match.
It was a roller coaster ride, and the kind of roller coaster ride that ends in a massive crack.

It's the first of December. It is.
It's Christmas time, Andy. It is, Nish.
We're heading into Cracker Ramadan, the Honky Hanukkah, Diwali for Dawites.

Well, indeed, yes, we are recording the 1st of December

2017. Not only the start of Advent, but also it's Rosa Parks Day.
Is it really? It is. This day in 1955, the little bus incident happened.
Donald Trump has not tweeted about it yet.

Not yet.

There are far more important things for him to address. And we are celebrating that by recording this build with me, sat behind Andy.

Also, on this day in 1990, the Channel Tunnel met

itself. under the seabed.

The section started in the UK and France met 40 meters beneath the seabed.

Heralding surely, a new dawn of Brito-continental cooperation, transport, and just a mutual exchange of ideas, friendship, relationships, and respect that surely confirmed our future and historic destiny as a true European nation.

Well, let's find out if that indeed happened. I've got the envelope here.

Oh, dear. This

is also. Maybe if we build another tunnel, it'll work better next time.
Well, I think we're one year away from this current tunnel being filled with spam.

Just so that there's no way of getting from England to the continent. Spam, well halfway across with spam and then with foie gras on the other side.

The perfect visual metaphor for our mutual distrust and wildly differing cuisines. This is the bugle for the week beginning the 4th of December

2017.

On the 4th of December 1618-ish, a hen laid an egg with a picture of a comet on it, even though that comet would not appear in the skies until the 12th of december

what yeah that i read that on the internet and a chicken laid a magic egg that had a picture a predictive picture of a comet what yeah

well i mean that's you can't argue with the internet

um

this leads can mean only one of uh one of three things one god is a chicken two zeus is god and he a chicken

Wouldn't put it beyond him. God was a monster.
Got away with stuff for so long because people were scared of him and he wielded so much power. Why do we never learn? And

three, is that a naughty chicken had sex with a telescope? I'm going to add number four to that list. Your lack of sleep due to the ashes is causing you to hallucinate chicken-based internet stories.

It's true. If it was true in 1680, it's true today.

I believe that's the motto of Brexit. It's the motto of Brexit, and I think how American gun laws work at that point.

As always, the section of the bugle is

going straight in the bin. And well, you'll be pleased, as clearly, a massive Christmas fan, as we've

got to discover. We have the first week of the Bugle Advent Calendar of Christmas Facts.

Friday, the 1st of December.

King Herod's name should, in fact, be pronounced Herod. It was an American-style shortening for his full name, Hercules Rodriguez.

You have to wait till tomorrow for the next one, so you can't listen to this bit for another 24 hours.

Saturday, the 2nd of December. No, no, you've opened it early.
You're like a spoiled child.

Only two of the three wise men were actually wise. Melchior was a total fquit.
He had a fake degree certificate from the University of Nineveh.

Balthadar and and Kaspar did most of the actual wisdom, whilst Melchior was reduced largely to the role of a prototype hype man going yeah in the background.

3rd of December.

The tradition of eating turkey at Christmas began when Mary, in the throes of labour in the manger, grabbed what she thought was a cylinder of gas and air that was in fact a turkey and bit its head off.

The 4th of December, what we think of as Christmas Day does not in fact fall on the real birth date of Jesus. Did you know this?

As a fact, scholars now think that the 12 foot 8 inch Messiah, that measurement taken right at the end of his life, was in fact born in September.

His parents, however, fiddled his birth certificate so he'd be eligible for the Galilee Under 9's Miracle Squad, which had a cut-off date of the 1st of October, the date the miracling season traditionally began.

Tuesday the 5th of December.

John F. Kennedy was a massive Christmas fan.

When he announced the American lunar mission in 1960, he threw a massive tantrum when NASA said that the astronauts wouldn't be able to ride Santa's reindeer into orbit.

Wednesday, the 6th of December.

The reason Mary and Joseph had no money for the inn was because Joseph had just splurged 399 shekels on a new woodwork based drill in the Black Friday sales.

Well that'll do for the first week. I look forward to listening to this show, Addy, so that I can re-listen to that because I'll be honest with you, I didn't hear anything after Hercules Rodriguez.

I absolutely tapped out at that point.

Also in the bin in our special advent section we review the latest Christmas ads. Obviously

the launch of Christmas ads seems to somehow become a new story. Yeah that's right.
For no discernible reason.

Of course the true Christian Christmas actually involves not the kind of commercialism we used to today, but eating a healthy dish of hay, donkey manure and human afterbirth.

giving plenty of iron for the cold winter season.

Then going for a cross-country ski, like the three wise men did as they made their way across snow-covered Middle East that chilly December back in 0 BC and or AD.

And we look at the Christmas advert for the food outlet Real Meat, a brutally graphic five-minute film of the baby Jesus chasing down and ritually slaughtering an escaped turkey with a chainsaw given to him by one of the wise men, which is the origin of the term

anyway.

Top story this week: Donald Trump is a c part 6433.

Andy, on Wednesday morning, Donald Trump retweeted two tweets from Jada Franson, the deputy leader of Britain First, a far-right nationalist group.

Before we go any further, Britain First have sort of seen this as an endorsement of their views from the President of America and are using this as an opportunity for extra publicity.

So I will now be referring to them as the f ⁇ ing c ⁇ s for the rest of this show. I'm aware that quite a lot of buglers are pretty adept at altering Wikipedia.

The f ⁇ ing c do have their own Wikipedia page and if any of you felt the need to deface that with their new name, I would have no way of stopping you.

Yeah, I imagine most of us were sitting at home this week.

thinking, I'll tell you what has been nice about this week so far, and that is that Donald Trump has not yet retweeted any far-right islamophobic propaganda videos yet is the key word there we knew it was coming and it duly uh it duly did come and just went it in there were no more behavioral depths for the president of the usa to plum he not only excavated a surprise new underground cavern

of provocative ninkum poopery but he then plumbed the living shit out of it we are talking super mario level plumbing in the video game stars early 1990s pomp trump did not so much limbo dance underneath the already low bar of just about acceptable presidential morality.

He lay underneath that bar, pointed his dick at it, and urinated at the bar until it fell off his perch before saying, that is what a Muslim would do, and we cannot accept that.

Let's start with the actual video clips themselves because various journalists have sort of taken their time to debunk them. One of the videos originates in Holland.

There's no evidence that the people involved are either Muslim or migrants. Yeah, but, I mean, it does show a dark-haired Dutch teenager beating up a light-haired Dutch teenager.
And statistically,

dark-haired teenagers are much more likely to turn into dark-haired adults. Yes.
And statistically, dark-haired adults are much more likely to be Muslims than, for example, blonde-haired Labradors.

So

you just have to be careful. You just never know what you're actually watching.

So the first video had absolutely nothing to do with anything whatsoever. The other two videos, one of them comes from some violence

from supporters of the then-Egyptian president Mohamed Morsi, and the other is a video clip taken during conflict as part of the Syrian civil war.

So, at best, two of them have been severely dragged out of context, and at worst, one of them is a complete outright lie.

But at this point, it wouldn't surprise me if Trump tweeted a video excerpt of the Disney cartoon version of Aladdin with the caption: Muslims are a bunch of fez-wearing genie thieves. thieves.

Let me just check, see if that's come up yet.

Oh, it's not, he's complaining about the American judicial system again. What a surprise.

As for the finging c,

well, they are a

very spicy group of people. And I use that term advisedly, knowing that they have never eaten spicy food in their entire lives.

Yeah, I was really up about Britain first because they're quite a recent organisation.

They were founded in 2011 by people who found the British National Party was simply too cuddly and progressive for their liking.

Well no, because the original founder was thrown out of the British National Party for

he was too big a for the BNP.

That is an impressive

high tariff manoeuvre.

That is a quintuple salco of

that's like Keith Richards kicking you out of the Rolling Stones for doing too much heroin.

They

advocate the preservation of traditional British culture.

Not entirely clear which bits of traditional British culture. They don't seem too keen on

shit like tolerance, open-mindedness, and acceptance of others. More into the old school traditions and

age-old bulwarks of our national id, such as xenophobia, feudalism, Morris dancing, I guess, typhoid, a life expectancy of 24 for peasants and witch burning.

But cultural traditions in any country are a bit of a pick and mix buffet.

But

what is kind of odd and frustrating about this is that Britain First are barely even a fringe organisation.

They have as much electoral popularity as the I'm going to throw a bucket of sick in your face party and as much political sway as the revolutionary Make Penguins Fly to the Desert and See How They Like It Party.

They're basically a barely discernible turd bobbing in the British political reservoir. Yeah, and but thanks to the President of America, they've suddenly been thrust into the limelight.

The British response, well, I mean, Theresa May was as outspoken as she has ever been about anything in saying Mr. Trump was

wrong to tweet.

And then he hit back saying, don't focus on me,

if only that were possible, Donald. Focus on the destructive radical Islamic terrorism that is taking place within the United Kingdom.
We are doing just fine, he says, from America.

Now, I mean, he's got a point. I mean, if you look at the stats.
Yeah.

As a proportion of terror attacks, America is doing much better than us at reducing the proportion of radical Islamic terror attacks yeah so our homegrown

non-Islamic radical terrorists are gonna really have to step up to the fing plate this is exactly the problem with the Premier League Andy as it is with our terror attacks we got too many foreign imports coming in we're neglecting our homegrown terrorism look at America they have really invested in grassroots terrorism

uh but also initially he tweeted this to the wrong Theresa May

now

and he didn't even tweet it to the

Theresa May, the

pornographenarianist actor

with whom the Prime Minister has been confused on previous occasions.

But with a woman who had Theresa May as a Twitter handle, who has tweeted nine times and has six followers and woke up to find the entire world's media outside her house, basically.

Yeah, she's a 41-year-old woman from Bogner in England, which for American buglers is unbelievably a real place. Just one of the places that we have in our country.

And she was, yeah, sort of baffled by the attention.

And she was quoted in one of the British newspapers this week as saying, it's amazing to think that the world's most powerful man managed to press the wrong button. Which is

alarming. Very concerning analysis from Ms.
May.

She's basically... Particularly given what buttons he has at his disposal.

Yeah, the worrying thing about this is the whole world could end because because the President of America was attempting to rage tweet Domino's pizza

and ended up pressing the big red button and launching a bunch of nukes when he was trying to send out the tweet saying terrible pizza from failing dominoes your so-called meat feast is hashtag fake news mainly bread and cheese sad hashtag make pizza great again what do you mean i pressed the wrong button

but anyway i mean thankfully nish we have uh despite the wave of radical islamic terrorism that is uh taking place in the United Kingdom, we've both escaped death at the hands of the, well, now, majority of crazed Islamist

extremists who make up a solid 70 to 80% of the population of Britain who have transformed this country into a de facto caliphate. Disappointingly, though, the trains are still shit.

Now, you would have thought if we're going to live under the dictatorial rule of an autocratic, ideologically driven regime, at least the f ⁇ ing trains would run on time.

That is how I know that we are still free in this country is the southern train service in Streatham Common being late if it ever turns up on time and that is a big f ⁇ ing if I'll start to worry that I might never be allowed to read a single poem ever again

so this has raised some sort of serious doubts about whether Donald Trump is going to be able to make his planned visit yeah later on in the year

because Theresa May has obviously sort of come down as hard as she sort of comes down against anything

but some elements of the sort of conservative press in this country have launched a defense of Donald Trump.

The Daily Mail published their leader comment yesterday where they said you know that whilst they sort of condemned his behavior and the actions of the

I'm so sorry Chris this is going to be I really hope you didn't have any plans for your Friday evening

they said that whilst he was you know they condemned Donald Trump they also reminded their readers that he was the elected leader of our staunchest ally and most crucially our most important trading partner.

They then went on to say, because Labor sort of raised some doubts about whether it's suitable for him to come on a state visit because it might be of embarrassment to the Queen.

This is a direct extract from the Daily Mail's leader comment about this.

This is the same Queen who has broken bread on state visits with the Romanian mass murderer Nikolai Ceausescu, Zimbabwean tyrant Robert Mugabe, Zaire's kleptocratic Mabutu Saseko and Syria's blood-soaked president Assad, not to mention Vladimir Putin.

Mr Trump is a saint compared to these men. Her Majesty will recognise this visit is not about endorsing Mr.
Trump, it's about honouring

the great and hugely important ally he represents, one that will be more vital than ever after Brexit. Now, I've got three things to say

about this. Firstly, the lesson the Daily Mail seems to have drawn is: don't ever learn from history.

If the person who wrote this had been the protagonist in the film Groundhog Day, that movie would have literally gone on forever with Bill Murray learning nothing over and over again ad infinitum.

Number two, just because Trump isn't as bad as Assad or Mabutu does not mean he's not still a total.

Aim a little bit higher. Hey, in fairness, he's never used chemical weapons on his own people.
I say get him round for a barbecue with a plus one for Milan here.

And number three, thank goodness that we dealt with the economic powerhouse that is Robert Mugabe Zimbabwe.

Thank goodness we prostituted all our national values to maintain a steady trading relationship with that economic thunderbolt. At this point,

we would deal with Darth Vader if he promised to bring back manufacturing jobs to this country by awarding us a contract to produce the next Death Star in Sunderland. Well, jobs are jobs, Nish.

Amber Rudd, the Home Secretary,

responded slightly cryptically, the importance of the relationship between our countries and the unparalleled sharing of intelligence between our countries is vital.

It has undoubtedly saved British lives. That is the big picture here, and I would would urge people to remember that.
And the subtext of those words essentially is three years, one month, 21 days.

Just hang on, everyone.

The events of this week have reminded us, if we needed reminding, that Donald Trump is the Roger Federer of unimaginable stupidity and Brexit truly is his Raffa Nadal.

But it's not what he tweeted or the things that he said and done that makes me not want him to come to the UK-nich.

Really, it's more what Lee Harvey Oswald did. It just means I just don't trust white Americans in cities where cars go.
And I'll tweet you a fucking video link if you think they're okay.

I keep reading these articles saying, oh, all of these tweets are just a smokescreen from the budget, and everybody that's getting distracted by it, oh, you're really pleased.

But it's not, it doesn't, you can be outraged by two things.

The tax bill is obviously an absolute bag of shit, but you can't just breeze past the fact that the president of America is now openly endorsing fascists.

Oh, well, you say that, but a lot of people have said just retweeting it without checking anything about it does not constitute an endorsement.

Anne Coulter, the conservative commentator, and f quit was

interviewed on the BBC's Radio for Today programme. uh this sort of flagship morning news programme on the radio and uh pointed out uh that

people who retweet videos do not research the biographies or details of the people who originally shared them.

And that is true, but then again, not everyone is the shitting fing presenting dents of the United Bastarding States of for f sake, America,

in which case higher standards of behavior are expected.

That should be the inscription above Donald Trump's presidential library.

A Conservative MP, Nadim Zahawi, wrote to Trump to ask him when he does come to Britain to visit diverse areas such as Manchester, Birmingham, Coventry,

to be shown how Muslim communities in Britain live peaceably

within the UK. But the problem is,

that kind of proof does not count for anything with Donald Trump because he can go online any time,

look at a video of ISIS doing something horrific in Syria, and know that the streets of Bradford are aflame.

I think it's time to move. One more tweet from Donald Trump.

He's as much of a Christmas fan as you, Nish. Very excited about the stars.
Yeah, yeah.

He said, the Christmas story begins 2,000 years ago with a mother, a father, their baby son, and the most extraordinary gift of all, the gift of God's love for all of humanity.

Or on another interpretation that might be more relevant to Mr.

Trump's presidency, it begins with people giving birth in a fing manger with a donkey as the midwife because there's no decent public health care.

Absolute spanner.

Sorry, that's disrespectful to the obvious. Mr., you absolute spanner.

It's going to blow his mind when he finds out that story took place in the Middle East.

He's going to absolutely lose his shit.

Yeah, I think he will. If somebody doesn't capture one of those photos, he's going to end up retweeting it going, Muslim man forces wife to give birth in shed.

it's royal wedding time

god save our gracious queen's grandson the neighbor glorious queen's grandson god save the queen's grandson well we are here in london the absolute i'm gonna just try and block that out

um

The look on your face is going to be hard to shift. I'm so happy.

I knew I didn't have that coffee that close to a record.

We are here in London, the capital of

global romance.

And, well, I mean, we are alive with excitement.

Prince Harry, the professional prince, a man who can print pretty much anything, anywhere these days, so Prince Lily has he honed his imprintsification skills over the 33 years of his pro-princing career.

He's betrothed to be bewed to Megan Markle, the actress, humanitarian campaigner, and no-time Wimbledon champion.

I mean,

how have you been? I mean, I've just been bunting stuff. I've been bunting the living shit out of anything I can lay my hands on.
There won't be a square inch of London left unbunted if I get my way.

Andy, I'm genuinely excited. Prince Harry

has got a non-white wife.

We've done it, Andy.

We finally got a person on the inside.

This is how it starts.

This is how we get our way in. Next, it'll be a black James Bond, and the next thing you know, chocolate prime minister.
It's coming. Megan

is our first

person on the inside.

You're putting a lot of pressure on her, Andy.

I read a tweet this week from a couple of people saying, you know, it's nice that Britain has sort of moved on

in terms of its conversation about race and that, you know, this is evidence of a glowing progressive nature of our attitude.

And I'm assuming that those people are not in Britain because I was in Britain this week and it was an absolute shitfest of borderline racism in the media.

The Spectator, which is a...

Well,

see for yourself. It's a magazine and you can probably guess its views from what I'm about to tell you.

The Spectator led with a column that said, Meghan Markle is unsuitable as Prince Harry's wife for the same reason that Wallace Simpson was unsuitable.

She's divorced, and Harry's grandmother is Supreme Governor of the Church of England. Now, call me a pedant, but

the Church of England was originally founded so that Henry VIII could get rid of one of his wives. If anything.
Don't bring history into it.

The subtext of that headline is divorcee unsuitable for involvement in an organisation literally created to facilitate divorce.

Well, as you say, she is

divorced.

She is

also a bit Catholic.

And she is American.

We haven't updated our sound effects since the 1930s, unfortunately.

But of course, I mean, that little triathlon of nation-threatening lifestyle hobbies, being American, divorced, and Catholic, was enough for Wallace Simpson to bring the Empire quivering to its knees in a deep psychological trauma and existential identity crisis.

But generally, I think, I mean, we have moved on as a nation, generally, outside of

organs of

conservatism. Generally, the response has been, well, she seems nice.
I hope they're both happy, rather than as it was when King Edward VIII had the hots for Mrs. Simpson.
No!

Outsider alerts! Outsider alerts. I mean, some people are royal correspondents, and I mean, there are very few jobs in the world, Mish, that I can look at and think

my existence is more relevant than yours. Possibly, this is the only such job.

Can you think of any others?

I genuinely can't. But Royal Correspondent is, I mean, it is.
It's Royal Correspondent, us, and social media manager.

The three most useless jobs in society. But some of them have said that how the lack of concern about Meghan Markle's divorcedness and

racial backgrounds and Americanism shows how much the royal family has come on since Edward VIII quite the throne in 1936 because he had fallen in love with a woman who went 0 for 3 on not being American

Catholic.

I think it just shows, not that we've necessarily moved on, but how f ⁇ ing infantile we were really not very long ago

in common with, for example, almost everything else about society.

She seems quite impressive. I don't know much about her.
She seems impressive in what she's done,

particularly with her sort of humanitarian campaigns.

And as you say, a mixed race member of the royal family, in a family where just a few generations ago, marrying your second cousin was considered to be stretching way, way beyond the ideal royal matchmaking pool.

That's another overdue step for the British monarchy to move into the 20th century.

Yeah, there's absolutely no denying that, you know, as much as I am keen to be cynical about this, there's no denying the optics are positive of Prince Harry marrying someone who is a person of colour.

There is definitely something positive about that. And it is disappointing when organisations like The Spectator sort of wade in in this way.

But then the thing about The Spectator is, you know, it's not the most...

I mean, I'd wipe my ass with it, but I don't for fear it would turn my ass racist and somehow turn my anus against the rest of my body. Right, let's move on.

There was a rather entertaining subtitle Blooper on the BBC of which they were subtitling Jeremy Corbyn and saying apparently how much he admires Prince Harry and Hezbollah.

Hezbollah.

Flagrant anti-Corbyn bias. That's right.

Rather than his brother, which is what he actually

actually said. There's been a lot of detail in the press about Megan Markle's family.
Sure.

We've all read about the people who are in Meghan Markle's family, but what about the people who aren't? Here's your bugle guide to people not related to Meghan Markle.

Wayne Mardle has a similar surname, but the professional darts player from Dagenham has never, in fact, met Meghan Markle.

He did watch an episode of the TV drama Suits in which she appeared and quite liked it.

Wayne is nicknamed Hawaii 501 for his flamboyant shirts, although some conspiracy theorists still claim that his shirts come from Kenya.

It's not known whether Megan Lyke starts, but as a former calligrapher, she might. Megan Shaughnessy.

Megan Shaughnessy has the same first name as Megan Markle, but with an extra N, and is also American.

But there, the similarities end for the former world number 11 ranked tennis star who carved out a solid career on the Pro Circuit in the first decade of this millennium without really threatening to win a major Grand Slam title.

Shaughnessy has never married a prince, but she did reach the Australian Open Singles quarterfinal in 2003, where she lost to eventual champion Serena Williams, who ironically is great friends with Meghan Markle, and by virtue of winning seven Wimbledon titles, is automatically seventh in line to the British throne, just behind Prince Harry, who's fifth, and nine-time champion Martina Navratilova.

Sergio Aguero, the Argentinian footballer and key component in the recent success of Manchester City, is no relation at all of Meghan Markle, although she might have seen some football matches on the telly at some point.

And Saint Bernard of Clairvaux, also unrelated to Megan, the 12th century French priest, famous for miraculously killing a swarm of flies just by excommunicating them from a church and having an eye infection cured by a squaz of breast milk direct from the holy whap of the Virgin Mary herself.

Fake news is not entirely a 21st century phenomenon, people. Anyway, Saint Bernard, not known to be a relative of Markle, but were he alive today,

rather than having spent the last 864 years on the being dead circuit, he would probably have nothing bad to say about Megan, who seems a perfectly nice woman.

Seems like a perfect just seems like a perfectly lovely lady.

Some quick Google breaking news now. Silvio Berlusconi has a new face.

Disappointingly, he didn't go for the Meghan Markle.

Very disappointed that Silvio didn't go for that.

The news about his new face has overshadowed other news, for example, that he's about to stand trial again for bribing a witness in the Bunga Bunga sex trial.

Because, well, it's a trial involving Silvio Berlusconi, who gives a shit anymore. But his new face niche.
It's alarming. It's an exciting new frontier for the human head.

It shows what possibilities lie with. I mean, I know we should not judge politicians on their physical looks, particularly not

politicians who have such an impressive track record of outright misogyny as Berlusconi.

But he does look like he's escaped from a new reality TV show, I'm a Celebrity, Embalm My Face.

It does look rather like it's been done by the same woman who restored that Jesus painting in a Spanish church about five years ago.

A rather enthusiastic but artistically non-michelangelic octogenarian lady who turned the alleged sedre of humankind into something resembling a giant peanut in a gorilla costume.

It just, it's like he went into the sort of office and said, Look, can you make me look like I'm permanently in a wind tunnel?

Is there any way you can make it look like my face is under permanent G-force?

Incidentally, his trial, the latest trial, will begin in. Yeah, you'll have to be more specific.

Will begin in Siena in February, and we'll see the prosecution lawyers race Berlusconi on horses around the town square to determine his case or innocence.

Lobster news now and Andy, Pepsi's marketing campaign appears to have taken a very dark turn because a lobster has been found in the sea with what appears to be the Pepsi logo etched into its claw.

I mean this is this is I mean do we know whether this was a is this voluntary? Is this like a deliberate lobster lobster tat?

Is it just a massive fan of it's unclear whether this is maybe where Pepsi got the logo from?

It's just part of the patterning on a lobster claw and John PepsiCo saw it and thought, well, I'm having that. Right.
But it appears to be because of the unbelievable levels of pollution in the sea.

Oh, that are now. That old chestnut.

That old chestnut. And yeah, a Pepsi logo appears to have somehow found itself etched onto this lobster's claw.

And I was reading one of the articles about this, and one of the environmental investigators has said that the pollution is now so severe that crabs are now making homes out of bottle caps and cosmetic jars.

And they managed to find a crab that has even converted the inside of a doll's head into its home. The sea is basically now a Ken Loach remake of the little mermaid.

Interestingly, with this lobster with the Pepsi logo on its

claw,

when it was cooked,

it changed into a Coca-Cola logo.

This is the worst publicity for Pepsi since their own last advertising campaign, which featured Kendall Jenner essentially suggesting that the Black Lives Matter protest could be solved by an ice-cold can of what can only be described as shit coke.

Your emails now, this comes from Arnon, who writes, I noticed that someone mixed up the old its stroke it's with an apostrophe rules and used the wrong one on the front page of your website.

I mention it only because I can't even imagine how much ribbing Andy might get from his sister over something like that.

I'd uh

I'd not spot I'd not spotted that from in your website or the bugles the bugle website. Hold on, the bugle has a website

so I've been told.

Um, it's I imagine it's updated with the tenacity and frequency of your website, Andy, or indeed my website, which is currently giving details of my 2016 tour.

I do need to update my website because I have a 2018 tour that I need to alert people to, as well as the

Soho run. That was a rogue apostrophe.
They are. I can only apologise.

Had I seen that, I would have instantly smashed my computer to pieces. Shall I change this whilst you finish the show?

I think we can all agree this is the biggest five-part anyone has made on the internet this week.

I can't live with the shame. This came from Dan Jude Robinson.

When the latest podcast dropped, it came through on my alerts as quotes: Australian marriage equality is now available from the bugle.

Well, that's true.

How awfully nice of you, says Dan Jude. I'm sure they will be most appreciative.

That's the kind of influence this podcast wheels, Nick. Yeah, absolutely.
We started it. Exactly.
We're also prepared as a sideline business to help fundraise for the bugle.

We will conduct Australian gay marriages.

We're quite happy to do that for a little extra cash. This just came in from Dave in Olympia

in Wah in the United States. Is that Washington state? Wah.
Well, it's niche. Given what's going on in Washington.
Wah. It's probably the appropriate sound.

At the end of the last podcast, you spoke with someone about what you said was going to be cricket. He puts in quote marks.
Do I f you, mate?

Being that English is obviously not your first language, it is already difficult to understand you from the American perspective.

Those are some big f you's going your way, Dave.

But the utterances you made during the segment could only probably be described as having the coherence of Donald Trump arguing with his reflection about which one of them is fake news.

Or Nigel Farage self-mutilating himself with an opioid-addicted penguin whilst yelling at his hairstylist, dark hair does not belong here.

I thought perhaps he would snapped or had a serious health condition that my president says your socialized failing healthcare cuts can't fix because they are, quote, sad.

Very concerned, says Dave. Well, good email, Dave.
Yeah, the cricket has

well, it's been traumatic, Nish. I mean,

it's not been ideal. There was, yeah,

we did play unusually well for three and a half days and then

collapsed, if I may quote myself like a prim Victorian lady at the unexpected site of a gentleman's danglers.

More on this at the Unbelievable Ashes podcast that I'm doing through the Ashes series with the extremely excellent Australian comedian Felicity Ward.

You can find that on the internet via wherever you get your podcasts or on the ABC website this week, including exclusive footage from Postmax press conferences and some very odd stories.

The head-butting story, there's a story about one of the

England players, Johnny Burstow, gave a friendly, non-malicious head-butt to a young Australian cricketer. In fairness, that's how we greet each other in Croydon.
Tested fire, brother. Tested fire.

Anyway, do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

Just time for a quick sports update as we record.

The draw for the 2018 World Cup is just about to take place.

The balls are about to come out of the hats. We are hearing leaked news that the eventual finalists will be Russia and Saudi Arabia.

No surprise there from FIFA. But the rest of the draw is still to come to find out the group stage as they're going to proceed.
That

are you looking forward to? I know you're quite a big football fan, aren't you? I'm a big football fan. It's all slightly been tainted.
Yeah.

The awarding of the World Cup to Russia is far from ideal. Far from ideal, but a fk of a lot more ideal than the next World Cup.
Well, yeah, well, let's award it to a sample. Let's not.

Let's not. Let's not even.

Let's cross that particular shitbridge when we come to it. The first one is, yeah, and it's

it's it's it's going to be very hard to get enthusiastic about this World Cup.

If England end up drawing Russia in the group stages, given what happened at the last Euros, we could be talking about a lot more than a football match because of the

somewhat enthusiastic nature. Just the excessive enthusiasm of some sections of the Russian supports.
Yes, yes.

Yeah, it's uh I mean we in Britain are not necessarily historically in a place to criticise the violence of other countries. Absolutely.

People in glass houses should not colonise other people's stones.

But no doubt it will be a thrilling staging post on football's journey towards total spiritual death.

2026 in ISIS, Andy.

2030 in North Korea. I've said it once, I'll say it again.

We will have full, exclusive reports on the World Cup between now and whenever it finishes in July.

That brings us to the end of

this week's bugle.

Don't forget to buy your tickets to my Soho Theatre show, Andy Zoltzmann's 2017, The Certifiable History. That runs from the 18th of December to the 6th of January with a few days off.

You can get them at the Soho Theatre website. Nish, anything to plug?

My 2015 touring show is currently available on Netflix. Oh, wow.

It's under Live at the BBC, which is a series that's available, and it's episode one, and it's available right now on Netflix in some countries.

It would be very helpful if I knew what countries it was. It's definitely available in the UK.

But I don't know where else it's going to be available. I hope the thing, based on my interaction with Bugle fans, national borders do not seem an obstacle to them seeing things.
Right.

Through fair means or foul. Somehow, I'm sure you'll all be able to track it down.

But yeah, it's live at the BBC and it's my 2015 show in which I predict an optimistic future for the political left and praise the comedy of Louis C.K.

So why not have a watch of that if you want to see a man who is unaware of the fact that he is about to be hit by the meteor of events?

That's it for this week, Buglers. Do send us some emails to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com and I'll be back next week with Alice Fraser Fraser and Tiffany Stevenson.
Until then, goodbye. Bye.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here. I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything. So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.