Bugle 4042 – Durable Partners

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Harley buglers!

Heli, apparently it's the plural.

I've been saying it wrong all these years.

It's a heli, not hello.

If you're addressing more than one person or more than one thing, or you're in a formal social situation with someone you don't know that well, I think I'm let's go with hive that's definitely cruel cus is the singular of course trucks me I studied classics anyway greetings buglers always open accessible Andy

greetings buglers and welcome

to issue 4042 of the bugle the world's only reliably non-unreliable source of truth and lies with me Andy Zaltzmann still a contender to be the 13th person to set foot on the moon.

Who says I've lost it at the age of nearly 43?

I'm live in London, the city with everything you could possibly want in a city apart from a volcano, 1-0 Naples, and a bearded communist revolutionary in a mausoleum in the city's main square.

1-0 Moscow.

For now, Moscow!

For now.

Come back in 50 years

and we'll see what the score is then.

Joining me this week, two men who have between them never discovered a new chemical element, never ridden to victory in a Moto GP motorbike race, and never sparked the revolution in the Christian church by sticking a to-do list on a church door.

But A, give them time, they're only young, and B, they're cheaper than John's Jacob Basilius, who is dead as a nut.

Valentino Rossi, too noisy, running his bike, and Martin Luther, who would just bang on about spiritual repentance in Latin, which is not what this show is about.

So, I'm more than happy with what we've got

from London, as you probably recognise the laugh, and in fact, the words.

Nish Kumar, and from a long way from London, welcome back to Tom Ballard.

Huss, huss, Andy, huss, huss, huss, nish, hello, Andy, hello, Tom.

Huss buglers.

They're plural.

Oh, sorry.

I do apologise.

You've opened with plurals and Martin Luther.

For everyone playing Solzman Bingo, we are a couple of cricket puns away from a full house.

So welcome back.

It's been a while since you've seen it.

Yeah, I've been away for a while, Solz.

Yeah,

it's been an interesting couple of weeks.

I did a TV show, thanks to all the buglers who watched it in Britain.

Thanks to all the buglers who watched it abroad in what I assume was a spectacularly illegal method.

I also popped up to Edinburgh for a bit.

I did a charity show where comedians had to sing songs from a musical.

And I did a full rap, the George Washington rap from Hamilton.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, Andy, is I'm a rapper now.

I'm a full rapper.

NK47 is on the mic.

And I'll be dropping some sweet rhymes over the course of the bugle.

In the very specific musical theater genre.

In the very specific music.

Yeah, of course.

I've went to grammar school, Tom.

I can't actually rap.

You were so good.

I was at that show.

It made me so happy on so many levels.

Where were you?

Where was the Zaltzman?

What would you think?

Well, nothing.

I disapprove of musicals in every form.

Well, you know what I would say to that, Andy?

There's something in the Old Testament about it, isn't there?

Is there something in the Old Testament about musicals?

Yeah, I say that.

The first musical I ever appeared in as a five-year-old playing the part of Mrs.

Noah was a musical called Noah, written by the music teacher at my school.

How very progressive playing with gender roles.

I like it.

Well it was an all-boys school thing.

It was more just basic practicality rather than

a man playing a boy playing Mrs.

Noah in an all-boys school

production is simultaneously the most progressive and the most regressive thing imaginable.

Do you remember any of the songs?

I can't remember.

There was one song called My Name is Twiggy, which was about the bird that found the little holopo.

Twiggy.

But I mean, surely he must have been called Twiggy after the fact.

Yeah.

Brother Twigg.

He couldn't have been found unless he was a specialist Twig-finding dove that they sent.

I've never thought about this.

I thought this was a very revisionist take on the Old Testament, which featured the 1960s model Twiggy.

No, it wasn't.

Tom,

how's London been for you?

Wonderful, thank you.

Yes, I've doing shows, Little Soho Theatre.

People are laughing.

It's a great show.

Oh, thank you very much.

I saw it.

It's brilliant.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah.

The end.

There you go.

Very fantastic.

Jesus Christ Superstar in the open-air theatre.

That was amazing.

And the three and a half-hour epic that is The Ferryman, which made me cry.

All right.

I'm very happy.

Jesus Christ Superstar is

just propaganda.

It's very little.

No, you'd love it.

Not enough facts in it for me.

It's ambiguous about whether or not he was actually divine in some way.

Just, yeah.

Magician and rack onto it.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Not criticising the lad.

Spoken like a true Mrs.

Noah.

Do you expect me to clean this up, Noah?

Goodness me.

Oh, Noah, what are you like?

I told you to put a shit shoot in.

I digress.

This is Bugle 4042.

We're recording on the 8th of September.

On this day.

In the year 1504, Michelangelo, old Mickey Chisels himself, released his new smash hit sculpture, David.

Unveiled in Florence exactly 513 years ago and pulled back the curtain to reveal the sculpture.

And the first words he said afterwards were apparently, oh shit, I forgot to put his underpants on.

No, no, he's supposed to have underpants.

Sorry, ladies.

And yes, that is a tattoo of a unicorn on his ankle, cutting some slack.

He's only young.

He's exploring himself.

It'll wash off in time.

And on this day in 1888,

Well, you don't need me to tell you that that was the day the first six Football League matches were played in England.

Oh, wow.

Yep, and they've recently discovered a wax cylinder recording from that very evening.

I just wanted to say, Alan, that Villa were absolutely awful today.

I know we've got a point away at the Wolves, but the manager,

what's his name, Ramsey?

He's got a go for me, clueless, Alan.

Hasn't won a league match and he's been in charge in 1884.

And what Gersham Cox was thinking when he scored that on goal, Alan, I mean, he's not good enough for this level of football, albeit it is brand new.

I don't know why we haven't signed someone from Margaret and Cedar or somewhere.

We're going down at this rate, Alan.

We're going down.

What do I always say?

You never get enough credit for your accents.

It's nice for a man of Asian origin to be saying that to a white British man

rather than the other way around, as it's so often a traditional way.

Yet, I get no credit for my Asian accent.

As always, a section of the bugler is going straight in the bin.

This week, a paradoxes section.

We are offering all buglers a free paradox, but only if you promise not to take up the offer.

Jimmy, from the following paradoxes.

The Philosopher's Axe,

the famous philosophical paradox of the Philosophy, which is something to do with what would happen if Slash from Guns and Roses

taught Ludwig Wittgenstein to play the guitar solo from Sweet Child of Mind.

Would it still be the same song?

Catch 22.

That's something about what England wicketkeeper Alan Knott did in the 1974-75 Ashes series.

The liar paradox, famously based on the statement, everything I say is false, which, of course, you know, can't be either true or false,

but can reasonably be interpreted as I'm probably bullshitting most of the time.

And the crocodile paradox.

Now, this is a premise that states that a crocodile has stolen a child and promises the parents that their child will be returned if and only if they correctly predict what the crocodile will do next.

The paradox being that if the parents are so off their nuts that they're hallucinating a talking crocodile with advanced hostage negotiation skills, A, how do they even know they've got a child?

And B, if they do, social services should get involved.

That section in the bin.

Top story this week, immigration and Brexit.

Let me start, Andy, by saying to Tom, welcome to our country.

Thank you.

Now get the f out of our country.

We did not vote leave so some gay Australian could come over here and talk about our news with a chocolate boy and his Jew friend.

That's the name of our double actor.

Well it's exactly what I was going to do with John years ago.

Would have ended his American career I think if he was chocolate boy.

I mean given the current climate it might have turned him into a stadium act.

So what are they doing?

They're kicking out all the

league documents have sort of chartered the kind of rules that they're going to introduce in regards to the UK's approach to immigration moving forward.

That's right.

Kicking out the low-skilled nunces and keeping the highly skilled ones in.

I'm hoping it's some kind of EU migrants got talent situation.

Series of Polish and Romanian people trying to convince Simon Cowell that they should stay on the competition.

That is British life.

No doubt with a rock-solid argument, well, you're allowed to stay, and you contribute nothing to this country but horror and slime, you smug, pouting weirdo.

That's my general vibe.

Document said that the UK will remain a hub for international talent, so I actually think I'm going to be fine, Nish.

Oh, yes.

I'm international, and I got three stars from the evening standard.

So

I think once you get rid of all the stupid foreigners, I'm going to be like third in line to the throne.

What are my skills, I hear you ask?

Sarcasm.

Regular bowel movements.

The only kind of freedom of movement that I'm interested in.

Boy, if that's a criteria, I am down one for two.

Good lord.

I'm very good at being white.

Yeah, oh, yeah, again.

Nought for two for one for two.

And I do have a blue tick on Twitter, which I couldn't help but notice that neither yourself nor Nish actually has.

But have you not got a blue tick, mate?

What is a blue tick on Twitter?

It's a verified tick

because you're a real person.

Oh, right.

I thought it was that you'd been approved by the Conservative.

Well, that as well.

I'll be really sucking up ever since this whole Brexit thing.

Got to get that visa.

Yeah, that's right.

So, this leaked Home Office document has said that Britain will end freedom of movement immediately after Brexit.

There'd been some chat that there'd be some sort of a transitional period, but according to this leaked document,

that's going to end immediately afterwards.

And there's also going to be restrictions on EU people living in Britain already and whether they can bring family members over.

And it's another in the long history of Brexiteers completely contradicting themselves.

Because Daniel Henan, who is a prominent Brexiteer and permanent,

said that in June 2016 he tweeted it was irresponsible to scare EU nationals in the UK by hinting that their status might change after Brexit.

No one's suggesting such a thing.

This follows hot on the heels of other U-turns when David Davis said that the EU would be in for the row of the summer if they didn't think we were going to talk about trade first.

That's gone out of the window.

And also David Davis this week said nobody ever pretended this would be simple or easy, apart from Liam Fox, who is also a prominent Brexiteer, who in July of this year said an EU-UK trade deal would be the easiest in human history

at this point I would not be human in human history not not I mean this is not I'm not I've not get any license with that he said that an EU UK trade deal would be the easiest in human history right the easiest trade deal do you mean the easiest post Brexit EU UK trade deal

well that is now I believe how we measure all human history

I think it's now divided into B B and A B

um so it's kind of well that the the government's plans for for for drawbridge britainers i believe were going to be officially known uh to stop all the uh seven billion plus bogus asylums who are currently roaming the rest of the world

tomorrow sorry um

my parents

half of my parents um

my parents

oh boy boy if if they start kicking out immigrants the bugle could be a sparse affair the thing is a hundred years ago tom's family were probably the only ones who were actually in the UK.

And then we bloody stole some bread, didn't we?

It's interesting what wasn't in it.

There was no sign of the giant 4.5 billion pound catapult that Nigel Farage had promised he would use to fire all non-Brits back to whichever part of non-Britannia they came from.

That was disappointing.

Not even details of how the government is just planning to stick Michael Gove on the white cliffs of Dover as a human force field,

using the sheer force of his personality to repel all sentient beings as far away from him as possible.

But nothing about

well other than obviously Brexit's going to be bad for the environment which is good from a Brexit point of view because that deepens the moat that we have.

Is it bad for the environment because since it's happened the amount of hot air expelled by Brexiteers is actually directly contributing to climate change?

I think it's just the heat coming off angry faces which is very weary from both sides.

You mentioned the change of the rules about family members that EU members can bring in.

It said we propose to define family members as direct family members only, plus durable partners.

Which could be bad news for the twice divorced Nigel Farage.

Partner durable partners.

Britain isn't about durable relationships.

There's nothing more British than decades-long marriages infested with resentment and bitterness.

Every British marriage should look and feel like a Harold Pinterplay.

I've always said that.

Something ironic about like the UK essentially going through a geopolitical divorce and then demanding that anyone who comes in better be serious about commitments.

Like

you treat your girlfriend like the way we treat the EU.

You're out, buddy!

More bad news for Tom and his people

in Britain this week.

Musical theatre fans.

Musical theatre.

Yes.

In a manner of speaking.

Jacob Reese Mogg has been on the television this week.

Now, Tom, how aware are you of the Mogmaster General?

I love the Mogman.

I'm all about Mogmentum, which sounds like something that you have to cough up.

I can't believe he's real.

He is like the embarrassing stereotype of your country.

Like, he's your crocodile dundee.

It looks like his spirit animal is a monocle.

That's not a reaction review.

This is a reactionary view.

Yeah, he does look like the protagonist in a film where an 18th century lord has fallen into an ice lake and been thawed out in the 21st century with hilarious consequences.

He's not clearly...

To me, he's like he's woken up in a sci-fi film.

Just like Gets a Simmer scenario.

Yeah.

And asked a classic, what year is it?

And then just refused to listen to the answer.

It's 2017, Jacob.

1924, I think.

He's given an interview to a morning breakfast show this week where he said that his religious views mean that he does not agree with gay marriage or abortion, even in the cases of rape and incest.

Now,

obviously, this is not ideal, but he's been quite alarmingly praised in quite a lot of Conservative newspapers for sticking to his religious beliefs.

Now, I would suggest that that wouldn't have been the case if his name wasn't Jacob Brees Mog, but was instead Jacob Al-Mog Hammadi

and he was insisting on Sharia Law and mandatory burkhas for everyone.

Well, it's a matter of time, isn't it?

Matter of time.

Bound to happen.

But people, why?

There is a love for him that I cannot understand.

Like, even ironically, there's a Facebook page called Can't Clog the Mog, which I assume is the worst parody of Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark ever.

Can't clog the mug.

Can't clog the mug with Corbin Sparks.

This mug's on fire.

I confess that I'm not going to sing that.

And they love him so much.

Yeah,

we are, as a nation, we, I believe, will never heal any of the problems that afflict our society until we stop being delighted by people who sound like people who used to own my ancestors.

That is a serious issue for us.

But the most concerning thing, I mean, I can sort of understand people having

biblical views if the Bible is their bag.

Sure.

To be honest, I'm impressed that something written only 2,000 years ago is in his wheelhouse.

I think it could have gone further back than that.

By the way, just reading that bookmakers are taking spread bits on exactly when Jacob Reese Morg, now tipped as a potential Prime Minister, pulls up to the Houses of Parliament in his Diluvian BCE 12,000 time machine with his loyal wife and Acronista by his side, wearing a toga and saying, Valette playbase, usque ad initium historiae fugamus.

Again, but

he's

what I can't understand is how he's

become

a tip to be a the Tory leader.

He was like the most popular option in a survey on a Conservative website to be their next leader.

He's got he suffers from a bad case of what doctors are now referring to as Boris Johnsonitis, where he's a sort of affable,

seemingly affable posh guy who sort of turns up and is kind of a cartoon figure on various TV shows.

But actually, that masks some incredibly unpleasant and reactionary views.

But he is really animating some of the things that we're talking about.

He's called Bungle in Rainbow.

Exactly like Bungle in Rainbow.

Exactly like Bungle in Rainbow.

But he is getting a lot of support behind him.

So there's been more developments with Activate, which is the new Tory youth movement, the new conservative youth movement that unfortunately has a name that makes it sound like medication you prescribe for someone with constipation.

Blocked up, you need Activate.

Now in prune flavour.

It is a yogurt feature, isn't it?

The launch of Activate has not gone well.

Its Twitter account and its Facebook account were both hacked in their first week and the hackers posted just about Activate's new support for Jacob Reese Mogg's leadership bid and it was just generally wreaking havoc on there.

At one point the group's Twitter account read, Activate's Twitter account came under another successful hacking attempt at 2229 today.

Activate have now regained control.

Then the same account replied to its own tweet, no you hacked.

Then the account replied to that, seriously piss off Joshua.

Which I think Joshua is demonstrating the best of conservative ideology.

He's an entrepreneurial individual, succeeding in the marketplace of ideas.

The idea being that making Tories angry is very funny.

The problem with Activate is that it's designed to sort of get young people engaged in conservatism, but what's obviously clear is that there are no young people involved in its inception.

You can look at any of its marketing, which means it must be wide open to hacking because the Twitter account's password is almost certainly password.

Or just Reesmog.

It would just Reese Mog, yeah.

The website was like open to donations, so anyone could ship in money to support the Activate cause, which was all lovely until they realized that the names would appear on the website, meaning that Activate received many 25 pence donations from the likes of Harold Shipman,

Communism, and Jimmy Sellers.

It does seem to me a manifestation of a process currently at large in British politics in the post-Brexiterian world, described as the British process, which is an acronym for beyond rationality, inexplicable, and trenchantly idiotic shit happens.

And in what is now described as a political age, it's got its own name.

They're calling it the Eon of Accepted Absurdity.

Absolutely anything goes, however, hare-brained or or horrendous.

Or...

Yeah, strange stuff.

I mean, I cannot imagine Rhys Moggers actually becoming

the overlord of this nation.

Why not, Andy?

He looks like the people that ran this country for 500 years.

Like, history is absolutely on his side with this one.

It's going to turn out that the 20th century was something of a fluke in Britain.

I like how Jeremy Corbyn's name is chanted to the tune of Seven Nation Army.

Rhys Mogg looks like his name will be be chanted to the tune of Dad's Army.

And they call him the Mog Father, which means he makes people sleep with the fishes, but only after they're married.

Yeah, I was pretty happy with that.

And also the fishes must be a different gender to them.

Yes.

We cannot have this country overrun by homosexual fish f ⁇ ers.

That, I believe, is the first point of his manifesto.

That was the first draft of Churchill's We'll Fight Them on the Bitches.

Those fish f Oh, the Germans still, I guess, but mainly the fish.

But, you know, it was a Rocky star for Activate, but they've got some really exciting campaigns coming up.

And if you heard about this, they're going to engage, you know, De Youuf with conservatism.

Corbyn might have been a hit at Glastonbury, but wait until you see Theresa May busting out some sweet moves at Morris Dance Fest 2018.

Plus, there's their budget spinner campaign.

If you kids out there love your fidget spinners, then you'll toadstig Budget Spinner, which is all about using the Uber RAD mechanism of austerity to spin those budget numbers into surplus.

Righteous, innit?

The Activate

Twitter account also said that

Jacob has the vision and competence to lead the Conservatives into the next general election and deliver a Brexit that truly works for everybody.

Now, a number of other people have said so they can do this, including Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Arlene Foster,

the Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt.

They've all called for a Brexit that works for all.

The Uruguayan tennis player Pablo Cuevas.

Shabnam Isarayo, the Tajikistan pop singer.

The late 1926 Nobel Physics Prize winner Jean-Baptiste Perrin.

And Alberto Frog, the animated former orchestra in Pesario from the 1970s kids' TV series Bod.

Everyone wants a Brexit that works for all.

But what the f is that?

That's what I want to know.

What the f is a Brexit?

Is it even possible?

I mean, I think it is logistically impossible in the same way that remaining could not have worked for everybody.

Nothing can work for everyone.

Sorry to put a damper on the nature of human existence, guys.

But nothing works for everyone.

But I have looked at the options for a Brexit that works for all, and I think there are some.

Firstly, a pretend Brexit.

Politics, as discussed, is 99% perception.

So we just need to tell people that we've left.

Yeah.

And then that works for both sides, doesn't it?

Yeah.

And you could even using some kind of algorithm, which for those who don't know what it is, is the modern word for witchcraft,

target the most ardent leviak voters with emails telling them about new multi-quadrillion pound trade deals with Guatemala or Malawi or somewhere in here or abroad Istan and fake news websites about how we've chucked at everyone who can't prove a direct blood descendancy from Bodicea and

everyone's happy.

Alternatively, option B is a a Brexit that works for all, a five seconds ceremonial Brexit

followed by a resumption of our membership of the EU, because the referendum did not specify how long we would leave the EU for.

This is the problem with a vaguely worded referendum.

We have to make it work for us.

It's the Brexit equivalent just popping to the shops for some milk.

Yeah, we just popped out, got some serenity, and now we're back.

But anyway, we leave for five seconds.

Everyone wins.

You know, we're better off economically.

The disenfranchised voters of the younger generations and future generations get what they want.

And most importantly, we still have the EU to blame for absolutely fing everything that goes wrong in this country, which is what this country wants.

Yeah,

that is the million pound question.

Oh, sorry, the £999,000 question.

Oh, no, sorry, the pound's gone down again.

The question is.

Love an exchange rate, Joke.

I was trying to, before we go on with this, I went to an England-South Africa cricket match years ago at a time when the RAND was out of form as a currency.

Right, impossible to say.

And the Barmy Army England's

musical band of cricket supporters sang,

you've got to the tune of

you got two rand to the pound, and it just went up and up over the course of what seemed like half an hour until it was up to about 19 rand to the pound.

But it's just there's not enough

heckling, actually.

There's not enough currency-based heckling.

But the question is, after we leave the EU, because basically we spent the last 25 years blaming them for everything.

And the question is, after we leave the EU, who are we going to blame for the fact that our country is so shit?

I have a terrible feeling I know the answer, and it's literally staring back at me in a mirror.

Absolutely dreadful feeling.

Hey, don't worry.

They'll always find a way to blame you, Nick.

Come on, that will never change.

It's British as tea.

To all the sort of pro-Brexit buglers out there, and there are a few, and they contact me on Twitter every time I'm on the show and tell me I'm, quote, ruining the bugle.

Please get your house in order.

Because we're constantly told by Brexiteers that it's like, it's not really about immigration, it's not really about raises about Zavranti.

It does feel like the people driving your bus are the drunkest members of your party.

Please get your shit together for the love of all of us.

Yeah, if you're in a backseat of Thelmer and Louise's car, you want them to be stone-cold sober when they press that accelerator button.

Let the record show that I tried to be nice.

Let the record show when you tweet me, telling me I'm ruining the bugle because of my Brexit views.

Let the record show that I tried to be nice.

Even though what you're doing is clearly a stupid fing idea.

Embarrassing date news now.

Okay, now this is on the BBC.

I want to make that very clear.

Okay, I didn't find this down some back alley of the internet.

This is on

the British Broadcasting Corporation.

More like the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation, am I right?

Very good.

Woman trapped in a window after trying to retrieve poo after Tinder date.

I'll explain.

A woman who threw her poo out of a date's toilet window because it would not flush had to be rescued after she got stuck trying to retrieve it.

The Aberchig gymnast was on a first date with Bristol student Liam Smith when she panicked and threw the feces out of the window.

It did not.

I've written no jokes for this story, guys.

It did not land in the garden, but became wedged between two non-opening windows.

After climbing in headfirst after it, she became wedged.

Mr.

Smith had to call the fire service for help.

One member of the fire service described the scene of the young woman lodged in between the windows, desperately reaching for her own fecal matter as a powerful metaphor of the United Kingdom's attempts at Brexit negotiations.

I'd like to go an amateur gymnast.

I think that's generous.

Finging amateur gymnast.

I think it's much more appropriate.

If you squeeze between two windows to to reach your own dollop, good luck for winning gold in 2020, honey.

Also, the other crucial thing that we've all learned from this is the date that they had been on was to Nando's.

Yes.

Guys, this is a serious issue.

Not all white people can handle Nandos.

Not all whiteys can handle the Nand.

Don't be ashamed to order lemon and herb.

Hashtag not all white people can handle Nandos.

But I would assume if you didn't deal with Nandos, it would it would make the

matter quite dispersed.

Whereas this appears to be some kind of incredible, indestructible, durable piece of human matter past a shot put.

Well, I'll say that he who has never.

Hadn't he please finish that thought?

Let he who has never taken his own own feces out of an unflushing toilet and flung it out of a window and then an attempt to retrieve said feces got stuck.

On a first date.

Cast the Glassonia.

I think we've all been there, yes.

I've definitely left offending fossils in someone's toilet.

My instinct has never been to pick it up and get it airborne.

Because I've seen one or two Adam Sandler movies in my time.

I know how that shit plays out, people.

But amazing, Love Springs Eternal.

He said, you know, the woman doesn't want to be named.

But Mr.

Smith said he had seen her since, and who knows what the the future holds.

Lovely story to tell at the wedding.

Yeah.

Hell of a story for their kids as well.

How did you and dad meet?

Well, let me tell you a story.

You know why all our toilets in this house have industrial super flushes?

There's a good reason for that.

When did you first realize you were in love?

Well, it was when she was jammed between the windows,

desperately reaching out for it.

Bugle feature section now and God is dead.

Discuss.

Well, maybe not dead, but certainly not as alive as it used to be and plummeting down the credibility charts across the world.

More than half of British people now say they have no religion.

The popularity of religion and Christianity in particular is also plummeting in the USA and in Australia.

I mean, what's...

What's I mean, I'm not on first name terms with the Almighty.

I do not fear the the Lord and that feeling is entirely mutual.

I mean,

what do you think has caused this God?

I mean, obviously, been quite complacent, particularly in this country from a British point of view.

Very few observable intercessions from the Almighty really since 1966 when he told the lines when the ball had definitely crossed the line.

If that doesn't prove the existence of God, then I don't know what does.

And of course, there was that one time that he carried Margaret Thatcher up to heaven in a winged golden chariot, if I remember from the coverage of her funeral in certain newspapers.

But what I would say against that, Andy, is there is Paul Gascoyne's slide in the semi-finals of Euro 96, which nearly resulted in a golden goal for England.

The fact that he didn't make that, surely that's proof that God does not exist.

Or if he does, he hates England.

I can't, I mean, God cannot have liked that German football team.

It had Andy Muller in it.

I guess if there is conclusive proof of the non-existence of a benevolent deity, that match was it.

I would say.

Tom, what's your view on the the 1996 Euro semifinal I've told about this before on the podcast I think we're just going over old ground you know I would say in religious terms I would I still classify myself as being religious but it's lapsed lapsed Hindu right which I think means if I lapse any further I become very Hindu like it all goes round the side and starts again yeah it's triple negative and I would say you know if you're uh if you're on the fence religious wise go for Hinduism it's great there's loads of them it's like X-Men

it's absolutely brilliant Some of them are blue.

It's phenomenal stuff.

It's absolutely extraordinary.

Yeah, so the Hinduism offers more to today's demanding consumer.

Yeah, well, we're huge fans of sort of sci-fi world building, see the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Hinduism's been that for years, baby.

Yeah.

The ancient Greeks had a pretty...

I mean, they just used to be a good idea.

Oh, yeah,

they had loads of good ones.

Yeah.

The Romans and the Greeks had.

I just think monotheism may not have a place in a world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Never has the true word being said.

It's interesting.

53% of British adults say they don't believe in religion, and actually 100% of gods say that at the moment they don't believe in Britain.

One god was quoted as saying, I know I flooded the world, killing almost all life on Earth, but Brexit?

You're crazy.

And yeah, 43% of Americans identify as white and Christian, and 100% of those people believe that Jesus also identified as both of those things.

Not willing to look at the difference there.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again.

None of the world's problems are going to be solved until everyone realises that Jesus looks more like me than Robert Powell.

Well, I mean, it is, you know, it's a competitive market out there.

Today's consumers, you know, they shop around.

Yeah.

And maybe some of the promotional packages offered by some of the leading religions are not that attractive, particularly for, you know, women or non-heterosexual people.

There's some, what, unlimited fires of hell?

Is that the same as all-you-can-eat data or not?

But despite the fact that we are increasingly secular, still 26 seats in the House of Lords for bishops.

Wow.

Is it time to reassess this and maybe split them according more to what people maybe have some bishops and then maybe 23 seats for fashion vloggers?

Just the way we should be going.

Or football pundits.

Lord Shearer.

The 0.1% quarterly growth is just not good enough.

Got to do better than that at this level.

But how can you sit in a place called the House of Lords?

I'm sorry, I still am reeling from watching Addis Oldsman use the phrase fashion vloggers.

I did not.

It's like finding out a cat can use chopsticks.

Fashion vloggers?

Vloggers, am I saying that right?

Sorry, Tom, but that's all right.

I just, how can you sit in a place called the House of Lords when you believe in an actual lord?

It's like a Satanist working in a healthine theater restaurant, being like, oh yeah, I believe in Bill's above and everything, but I also love dress-ups.

Also, I think when it comes to the House of Lords and modernization, let's not start pulling at that thread.

Because that does not end well.

I think noting the bishops in the House of Lords as a problem is a bit like finding a typo in mind camp.

It's picky.

I'm not religious.

But I'm not saying that if you are religious, that you're an idiot or anything, but I'm thinking that.

there's even worse news for religion because uh it turns out that uh facebook has now overtaken islam right

in terms of its uh daily users

i don't i don't really understand what because i mean i didn't realize that it was an either-or situation between facebook or islam i didn't realize but On the other hand, I have not read the terms and conditions of Facebook.

It is very possible that in addition to owning our photographs, they forced us to renounce any previous gods we may or may not have believed in.

You can't tag Muhammad in anything.

Mad Bible is Facebook's ISIS.

Well, it's like a religion in a lot of ways, isn't it?

It doesn't pay tax.

Yep.

Often makes you feel shit about yourself.

It loves watching everything you do.

And it was started by a horny loner.

Kind of makes sense.

Until mosques and churches start providing information about what your ex is up to and Lynx decides they allow you to find out which Gilmore girls you are, they're probably not going to compete in Facebook.

But then I would say that because I'm such a Rory.

In other religion news, there's a very exciting new computer game called Fight of Gods, in which you can make Jesus beat up Buddha.

I mean, I was thinking just what the world needed right now was more things involving clashes of religions.

Real or otherwise.

I mean, obviously, Jesus,

you're going to back Jesus to take on

Buddha's.

I mean, he's not.

He's above his fighting weight,

with all due respect.

But that's the problem.

It depends on which incarnation of the Buddha you go for.

Because the younger Buddha...

He's like eldest, isn't it?

Yeah.

So you want him before the

Buddha died on the pilot.

Don't a lot of people know that, but before the comeback specialist.

What Buddha, the hound dog is.

What a sitcom that one.

Scott Bio is best in many ways.

I do love the fact that someone has thought, oh, if only there was a way to find out what would happen when religions would fight each other.

There is a way.

It's called the entire history of everything.

I go for his use myself.

Oof, Thunderbolts.

Shucking down on playable Thunderbolts like a peak here or Kirtley Ambrose.

What are the moves that they've got?

What is Buddha and Jesus?

Because Jesus is sort of a pacifist.

just multiplying bread and throwing that at Buddha.

As opposed to notorious warmonger, the Buddha.

If anything, these are the two worst gods to have face-off with each other.

Jesus would be, you'd have to sort of turning the other cheek, yeah, exactly, just constantly turning the other cheek.

Jesus would be sort of turning water into wine and trying to get Buddha drunk and defeat him that way.

Hey, Buddha, have this some of this delicious water.

It's definitely water.

While Buddha just sits and meditates and tries to reach enlightenment.

I'm suggesting that when Jesus turned water into wine, it was

uncoloured wine.

Yeah, it's the world's first clear wine.

I can't believe that's the bit of that story you're struggling with the plausibility of, Zoltzmann.

Magician, you said it before, Ed.

Goddamn liar.

That's more like vodka to me.

What a night out that would be.

Absolutely lashed in the Nazareth weather spoons.

Jesus is on the bodies.

Just some quick royal news.

Prince George, the five-year-old professional proto-monarchical overlord,

who, as exclusively revealed on the bugle in

whenever he was born, was it 2012 or 2011?

I mean, you're looking at the wrong guys, Oltz.

Popped out of the royal womb as a natural, fully functioning automatic prince

whose princely baby puke, of course, when spread on penguins' wings, turns them into eagles.

He had his first day at school.

I'm sure there's big news in Australia as well.

Huge.

Huge.

Yeah, of course, you guys love them.

Love them, mate.

Yeah.

Well, how did it go for the young Roland, future king of Gibraltar?

Well,

it went sensationally well.

Every time the prince answers a question at his new school, the teacher has to tell him he's got it right, or a knight in armour will take that teacher to the Tower of London for immediate execution.

After each correct answer, which, as said, is all of them, 12 trumpeters honk a quick blast of God Save the Queen.

Normal school boy.

It will be treated as a normal boy part from his sacred right to joust, which he is entitled to do in the school playground, in any school corridors longer than four metres, and in the school hall, whilst riding one or more of a horse, a bicycle, a dragon, or a royal motorbike.

And on his first day, he jousted four-year-old Amelia Skrogroff off a bench with a giant pencil.

During lunch, whilst the other boys and girls were eating chicken nuggets, Prince George simply looked at his plate and turned it into a roasted swan.

And

he was named man of the match in his class football game after the ball landed on one of the spikes of his crown, got stuck and he just toddled into the goal for the winner.

He has a constitutional right to play for Chelsea whenever he demands, by the way.

And he's also allowed to own one boy as his personal equity in the school.

He chose five-year-old Blartrum Julep.

The other children in the class technically belong to the crown and all profits from them will be

plowed back into the development of a new Wi-Fi-enabled scepter.

Tax-free.

There will be updates on George's schooling every week for the next 13 years here, only on the Bugle, the official podcast of the Saxe Coburg Gotha Windsor Royal Dynasty.

Andy, if you're trying to get beheaded, you are going the right way about it.

I love the royal family, they are great people.

Please don't deport me

100 years ago this week, they changed their family name to Windsor from Saxe Coburg Gotha because of the old little

ding-dong between the old Germany.

1917.

No rush.

No rush on that one.

Three years into the First World War.

They were on the fence for three years.

Good lord.

This ding-dong is really kicking off.

The First World Ding Dong.

It was a schemuzzle.

Give it its technical term, Andy.

First World Ding Dong, the title of my Edinburgh show for next year.

That's it.

We've run out of time.

Thank you for your emails.

If you did send them in, we'll read some of them another time out loud into a microphone.

Thanks very much for coming, guys.

No worries.

You've got your TV show as well.

Yeah, so buglers may be interested, given that I was bugling a lot after returning from places like Brazil and the Philippines, the travel show that I was making.

Why did you not go with Mongolia in that list?

Oh, yeah, there was Mongolia as well.

Tori Mongolia is top of that list.

Yeah, Mongolia was top of that list.

But I think I bugled the morning I arrived from Brazil.

I think that's why it's very fresh in my brain.

But yeah, there was Mongolia as well.

That airs on the 18th of September on UK TV in Con Comedy Central it is

also available internationally but there's probably no point in me telling you as the people who are interested will have already downloaded it through some nefarious means but yeah it's called Joel and Nish vs the World and it's the travel show that I'd been talking about earlier in the year on the vehicle

anything you want to plug Tom you're nearly finished your run in London yeah pretty much finished up you missed out losers too bad no thanks a young gentleman came along to the show and said that he heard me on this very show and inspired him to come and be disappointed.

But I have a podcast called Like I'm a Six-Year-old, and I've been chatting to lovely people like Jeff Norcott and Owen Jones as an upcoming guest on that show.

Oh, lovely.

So, yeah, if you like politics-y stuff without all this nonsense

that you'll find here on the Bugle, then check that out, please.

I heard there was an unfortunate snafu in your recent interview with Ahir Shaw.

I don't know what you're talking about when I confused his material with yours.

I mean, come on,

come on, don't make a big deal about it.

We're taking our country back, Nish.

We're taking our country back.

I don't have time to learn all the different names and angles.

Jesus.

Digga dicka dicka dicka digga dicka dicka dicka.

Good stuff.

Yep.

Do you have something to plug?

Well, I was hoping to plug my American Tour Dase, but they appear to be still more up in the air than would be ideal at this stage.

What's the, I mean, I imagine it's what, Shea Stadium?

Shea Stadium is off the agenda, I think.

White House, Madison Square.

The garden.

I will be performing.

The garden!

I'll be performing in the garden.

Only in a boxing capacity.

Colin McGregor's got to fight someone's office.

Hopefully, hopefully, next week.

It'll be from sort of mid-October by the looks of it.

The live bugle at King's Place next week is on the 17th, Sunday the 17th.

It's an afternoon show.

Afternoon?

Yeah.

It's a nice sort of genteel way to do do it.

Gentile?

I mean, let's go with Gentile.

Yeah, why not?

Do you have another gig that you need to get to 10 minutes after that one finishes?

No, I don't.

Not like the one in whenever I ended up keeping a ride in the taxi to three people.

There was a due to bad planning, there was a 10-minute gap between the live people I don't remember my last solo show from London.

Saltzman, you?

Bad planning.

I won't hear any of it.

Andy, what do you think of Radiotopia?

Radiotopia is absolutely awesome.

And the Knight Foundation, equally, if not more so.

Yeah, just mentioning both of them has given me a full erection.

This show must end.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.