Bugle 4043 – Questions and Answers

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome to the London Podcast Festival for the launch of HMS Bugle Episode 4043.

Live from the festival that celebrates the medium that has blasted more words directly into people's eardrums than any other medium apart from Bibles.

The festival that even the great Genghis Khan himself could not stop happening.

The festival that has Glastonbury quaking in its muddy, muddy boots, the Woodstock of the third millennium.

Am I talking this up too much?

The greatest cultural event in the history.

Shut up, Andy.

This is the latest visual version of our remorselessly audio-dependent show.

Please now welcome your host, current world record holder for most appearances ever on the Bugle podcast.

No time winner of the British Snake Farmer of the Year award, the face of London Fashion Week.

Sorry, that's a Russian hack.

Sorry.

Live and in three of the world's top-ranked four dimensions.

It's Andy, the Koisson of desolation, Zlatz Zoltz.

Thank you.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers!

There was one thing Chris told me not to do before the show, and that was talk over the bit, where it says...

You did it.

Yeah, I did.

It was great.

Right, I did talk over it, didn't I?

No, no, I think you're not.

Oh, well, I meant it.

No expectations.

Anyway, welcome.

Welcome, Buglers.

How are you all?

Good.

Excellent.

Welcome to the Bugle Live.

Here at the podcast festival to end all podcast festivals, by which I mean there'll probably be an even bigger one in just over two decades.

I am, let me just check my details, Igor Alexeyevich Strushkin.

Sorry, that's my work ID from my realtor.

I'm Andy Zalt and we are here live at King's Place London

in London's glamorous King's Cross area.

This is the seventh Bugle live show

doubling up as Bugle issued 4043.

Coincidentally, 4043, the atomic number of the recently discovered element bugillium,

which is found down the back of the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Frank, Switzerland.

Now thought by some scientists to contain the essence of truth,

and others to be made up.

You be the judge.

4043, also, by coincidence, the number of people who actually ate the food at the feeding of the 5,000.

of the sell-out 5,000 crowd at the 30 AD Galilee Festival of Magic, Storytelling and Metaphors who'd come to see Jesus H.

Christ do his headline act.

957 of them actually pissed off home before the now rather tepid and soggy fist finger sandwiches made it up to the cheap seats.

Some left even before the stage was invaded by the owner of a large burger van parked outside, who shouted, You just put me out of business, you do gooding fing hipster.

Never mind water into wine.

Perhaps you can turn my 5,000 uneaten burgers into whole, cold, hard cash.

I've got bills to pay, and not all of us have daddy to bail us out.

So

that directly from the gospel, according to Saint LaShawn.

So welcome.

Welcome to the bugle.

So who here has listened to the bugle before?

And who has not?

What are you doing here?

Long hour ahead.

Yes,

now that's become something of a hostage situation.

Welcome, we are recording this on the.

You have to know the date when you come to these gigs.

It is the 17th of December to

December, September.

17th of September, near enough.

To prove it.

Has anyone seen today's newspaper?

Yep, there you go, that's the timecode.

A few anniversaries to go through.

As always, the 15th of, sorry, the 16th of September, 1959, was the launch of the the first ever photocopier, which was tragic news for artists specialising in painting realistic-looking backsides.

Simply can't compete with the speed and convenience of modern technology.

Rembrandt, can I pull my trousers up now?

What do you mean you don't think you've captured the light yet?

Right, I think we've missed the moment.

Everyone's gone on to the bloody nightclub.

You have ruined my office party again, Rembrandt.

On the 18th of September, 1947, the creation of the CIA.

And just two days later, the renowned Dutch botanist and geneticist Jontina Thomas died in suspiciously mundane circumstances at the age of 76.

Join the dots, people.

She was about to blow the bloody lid off the whole genetic make-up of chrysanthemums.

It's like Nicaragua all over again, but more so with plants.

And

on this day, the 17th of September 1787, was the signing of the American Constitution.

Do we have any Americans here?

Yes,

a fan of your Constitution?

You know, I've never actually read the whole thing.

You've never read the whole thing?

People seem to argue about it an awful lot.

Well, to mark this historic 230th anniversary, we have a special offer exclusively for our American audience members here and listening at home your chance to add a new amendment to your Constitution.

Choose from the right to bear fruit,

votes for the dead,

a reduction of the maximum presidential term to 48 minutes.

I think that would now have a lot, yes, a lot of approval for that.

The prohibition on the manufacture of any more Alvin and the Chipmunks movies.

I hope it goes better than alcohol.

Guaranteed provision of health care for all,

regardless of your income or your health.

Just operations for everyone.

One compulsory operation a year, like it or not.

Let's have some equality in healthcare.

Why is it only the ill who get to benefits?

The schedule has been mapped out by Congress, subject to approval, of course.

2018 is going to be the year of kidney transplants.

2019 varicus veins.

2020 cesareans for everyone.

2021 a sympathectomy

to remove your sense of social sympathy.

And 2022, the forehead downlift to make America frown more.

So,

also,

100 years to the day, there's a lot of facts in the show for people who haven't been, it's more of a history show these days.

100 years to the day since the only documented use of unicycles in warfare.

That was the

Battle of the Clowns on the Western Front, famously

ended in a stalemate when 200 German clowns got stuck in the same tank.

an outburst of heavy rain not only led to the Allied clowns getting their massive shoes stuck in the cloying mud, but also dissolved the custard on their custard pie.

So

and another anniversary here.

Can anyone in this room tell me what happened on the 18th of September 2004?

Anyone in this room?

Yes?

That's not the answer I've got here, darling.

I'm afraid.

the answer I've got here is it was the South Africa v West Indies cricket match in the 2004

Champions Trophy at the Oval.

Sadly interrupted by rain and had to be finished the following day.

That's

who was that voice?

That was my wife rather than just

someone who knows an oddly large amount about me.

Speaking of which, our guests coming on later on, one of them does know quite a lot.

Anyway,

so as always, a section of this bugle is going straight,

testify.

This week, this week, London Fashion Week.

In Nabin, has anyone been to anything at London Fashion Week yet?

No.

I just don't think there is much of a democratic crossover.

between podcast fans and fashion fans.

Now obviously I am a fashion icon.

And so, for those of you at home who can't see this great visual extravaganza that is the light bugle, I will now describe for our audio viewers at home exactly what I'm wearing.

Chris, some music, please.

Andy today is wearing a shirt

and some trousers.

He's accessorized these with socks and shoes.

There you go, trendy and on points, as always.

That section is in the bin.

And it's time now to meet our guest.

Do you have a jingle for bringing a guest on?

Yeah, which one are you bringing on first?

I'm going to bring Helen on first.

Okay, I think I've got it.

All right, okay, I'll just interrupt.

Should we just see what happens?

So are you ready to meet our first guest?

That is the correct answer.

Well done.

Ten points.

And our first guest, keeping it in the family.

Sorry, keeping her in the family.

Sorry, I went to an all-boys private school.

Pronouns for non-male things I've had a lifelong struggle with.

Anyway, she's...

It's just the way we're taught.

It's not right or wrong.

Don't judge me.

It's...

Anyway, she's epigrammatic, idiosyncratic, largely non-aquatic,

occasionally undiplomatic.

She's still living in my attic.

She's simply...

She...

Not for much longer.

She simply eats knowledge and belches it back up as podcasts.

It's the quibbling sibling, the etymological lodger, the fount of all wisdom, the always active volcano of listenable lava with her pyropod clastic flow.

It's Mount Saint Helen Sant!

Hello, Helen.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

I think

that was some of your best work.

Thank you.

Very proud.

Right.

Yeah, I'll have this music made specially for you.

I'm going to keep it with me wherever I am.

It's jaunty.

Well, because you are about to go.

It's hard to sleep, though.

You're about to go travelling around the world.

You may need that music at some point to get you out of a tight spot with some Mexican drug lords.

Well, you just put it on, and they're instantly like, oh!

Let's put our differences aside.

I don't know how drug logs work, and I don't know why I would ask you, as the person even less qualified, to explain a difficult drug lord situation.

Have you got any village cricket experience you could draw on for an awkward interpersonal exchange?

Yeah, loads.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll try and translate that into a much more violent context.

See if that helps.

Are you saying Mexican drug lords are like village cricketers?

Well, I'm just trying to think of the most identifiable thing in your experience, which really limited to that and nothing.

Zing.

Anyway, it's time to

meet our second guest, also joining us, but sharing considerably less DNA with me than the other one.

Our other sibling is here as well.

So you do have the three Zaltzmann siblings in.

All right, we'll have to get them up on stage later on.

This is not the man I'm introducing now.

Partly, yeah, he has much less DNA.

Partly because he's been taking blood transfusions from a shark to make himself better at swimming.

Also, Helen is someone whom I've never been sitting next to in Tombaid Wells assembly rooms when he has absolutely annihilated his nappy.

So

this again.

At least, not yet.

I'm delighted.

Maybe you should take him to the Panto this year and just see what happens.

How old was I at the time?

Three months.

I think that's excusable.

If it had been when I was like ten, then that would have been embarrassing.

You certainly do not like brass band music, judging from.

I think, if anything, I liked it too much.

All the way from Mumbai, India, in Britain, for a short time only to reclaim a sizable chunk of the British Museum.

It's comedian, screenwriter, and human encyclopedia, Anuvabal.

Hello.

Hello, Andy.

Hello.

Hello, Anuvab.

Hello.

You got your name there, just so you can.

Oh, master.

Yeah.

Look at that.

I wish I was literate.

Yeah, this is the name.

So

last time we spoke, you were in Diocese.

You were basically clinging to a giant polished iron statue of Sachin Tendulka

floating through Mumbai during the recent floods.

Yeah, that's correct, Andy.

That's why I'm looking a little nervous.

This wasn't a planned trip.

Right.

The Arabian Sea came into my house and I just washed up on your shores.

You guys went the other way voluntarily.

Top story this week and more rockets.

Another week, another rocket launch.

This time, any guesses who fired it?

Yeah, it was everyone's the man described by Donald Trump just today as the rocket man in

an unusually sensitive tweet from

Trump.

And he fired it.

That's him

with a little, I mean, he does love a weapon.

It's so, I mean, have you been enjoying the in India?

Have you been enjoying...

Because you're pretty close to it there.

Have you been enjoying the

nuclear brinkmanship of the...

Here's the thing, Andy.

And it has to do with attention.

I think that if you're trying to grab the world's attention, having a nuclear bomb helps.

Right.

Because you can always fire it and say, look at me.

And then we look at it, and it's not big enough, then he fires a bigger one.

Right.

That's always good.

And we've got a few of them.

Okay.

But, you know, I think that we've never needed to use it because we have enough problems to get out into the world.

We either have a flood or like parts of cities collapsing, so we don't need to launch anything.

Oh, so they're just too comfortable that they have to create a little tension.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that

all a narrative thing?

Yes, is that supposed to be reassuring?

I mean, Helen, you are, as I said, about to travel all around the world.

Well, it depends if it's still existent in a few months.

Right.

It is, and while this was happening, India and Japan were hammering out a crucial trade deal for a very exciting development in the history of Indian Railway.

That's correct.

We've done a lot with the railway since you left.

You're welcome.

We laid the groundwork.

Indeed.

In that we rode the trains, that's what we did.

We left the trains.

We haven't bought any new trains, which is fine.

A couple of hundred years is fine.

Not much has happened in the railways in that time.

But now we've decided to buy some trains from Japan, some bullet trains.

And one of the good things.

There you go.

That was how I got here last week.

It was good.

It was useful.

So we had some of these, and now we're upgrading straight to the bullet trains.

Now, last month we had four train accidents on these.

Only four.

Yeah, only four.

But

we're getting there.

We're getting there.

We're getting there.

We're competing with some of the best.

But now we decided to go for bullet trains, which is good because if you can't ensure safety, at least you've got speed.

And I don't really know why people are laughing because I think that's a good infrastructural argument as any.

It is very much an either-or choice, I think, isn't it?

Are they going to have doors or not?

Because traditionally, I mean, that would be abandoning 100 years of tradition on Indian railways.

We don't insist on things like that.

You see, in the Western Hemisphere, you're very particular about certain things:

roofs, doors, tickets.

When you've got a billion people, you're just like, oh, fuck it, just come in.

Couldn't be bothered.

What about do Indian submarines submarines have the same attitude to

wars and what?

Yeah, pretty much.

Pretty much.

Which is why we haven't fought a naval war ever.

Basic logistics.

So now, obviously, the

so Modi, so the the new bullet train line is going from Mumbai to your Prime Minister's home state, essentially.

To his hometown.

To his home to his house.

Is it basically.

So we're not sure if it's for commuting or for a quick getaway.

When things get rough in New Delhi, we're not sure.

And he was also in the news this week because 160,000 primary schools in Uttar Pradesh have had to open today, Sunday,

because it is Prime Minister Modi's birthday.

Yes.

And it's his birthday.

Lots of schools are open on Sunday.

I'm shocked that that's not a custom in your country.

I'm shocked.

You guys have lots of great leaders.

Boris Johnson, for example, if he had his birthday, I'm surprised there isn't a curfew for a whole week.

But yeah, schools are

schools are open, you have to go to school, and that's what a true democracy is.

It's his birthday, you have to go in, cut a cake.

Even if you can't spell, read or write,

you have to do that.

So, I mean, that's basically the main thing on the Indian curriculum appears to be birthdays of famous people.

Because there was a a local politician from Uttar Pradesh complaining uh that the two hundred and twenty day academic session had been reduced to only one hundred and twenty days due to public holidays caused by marking the death of famous death or birth of famous people.

That's correct.

We've got a long history.

We also have 33,000 gods.

That's really hedging your bets, isn't it?

So you have to really discriminate if you want a bank open, you know?

That sort of thing.

So we're very careful, but this guy went for it.

He decided to just call on all the holidays.

My A school used to give us ice cream on Lord Baden-Powell's birthday, founder of the Scouts, which is in February.

So we would be lined up outside

in the sleet,

waiting to eat a cold thing.

It was quite an old-fashioned school, so

of course they made a celebration seem like a punishment.

This is the English way.

So it's Theresa May's birthday coming up in two weeks, the 1st of October.

Helen, how do you think we should be marking this?

Do you think we should be forcing children to just go in and weep into a bucket?

Just send them to dig their own graves.

I could guarantee you, and the 160,000 schools in India will still be closed for the reason I'm thinking of.

We just have time for a little bit more Asia history news.

Japan's Emperor deposed atop Mount Fuji.

That was a haiku.

It's really early for that.

Nail the dismount as well.

Times like this, Andy, where I'm not sure I'm glad you give us the English language.

Let's move on to

the Gravedigger of the Year award.

Helen, you are our official gravedigging correspondent.

Yes, finally my ship comes in.

Yes, the red carpet report from the sixth annual Oscars of the Funeral Industry, which have just been awarded for this year, the Good Funeral Awards 2017, took place in Bournemouth.

The winners received a statue in the shape of

the Egyptian god of embalming, Anubis, in a miniature cardboard coffin.

And I was quite excited about Gravedigger of the Year, Andy, because for once a woman was nominated.

But she did not win, so my hopes of progress were dashed yet again.

But they have categories such as the Anatomical Pathology Technician of the Year, the Most Helpful Funeral Advice website, Coffin Supplier of the Year, Best Death-Related Public Engagement Event.

And

this year, there were five exciting new categories, including Most Promising Trainee Funeral Director and

a What to Do with the Ashes category, and somehow arrange an international cricket tournament, did not win it.

Well, this is a historic moment.

That is the first time Helen has voluntarily mentioned cricket.

I mean, just in terms of the, is this the winner?

Is this the

brave dick?

I mean, to be honest, looking at this, they don't appear to be really rewarding flair.

I mean, that's just your bog standard rectangulars, deep and rectangular.

I mean,

where's the recognition of someone trying to take the art form forward?

You know, like a

splat legs and arms akimbo.

It's like the Oscars, Andy.

Sometimes an avant-garde thing wins best film, and sometimes it's just a plodder.

And maybe this Eve got convention because they didn't want to have to award a woman.

One female director has ever won an Oscar.

Well, that's not relevant.

But anyway.

Fair point.

So, what we're looking at is the moonlight of gravediggers.

Thank you for catching on a a minute later.

That was lovely.

Film watchers.

I think still people tend to want convention in their funeral arrangements, or at least accept convention, Andy.

So maybe a two-foot circular grave just didn't work due to its incompatibility with the current human body.

But with evolution,

we could get there in time.

But I mean, what spherical coffins?

What steel?

Just like, pop it in.

Just slam dunk it in.

Two sporting references.

One more, and she will explode.

It's your birthday soon, so.

I mean, I do worry.

I mean, what's the future now?

The pressure of being

undertaker, you know, gravedigger of the year.

I mean, that's hard to deal with, isn't it?

I mean, he's going to.

I mean, surely there's just going to be the odd bit of spade work that is not quite straight enough, isn't it?

Can you sustain that level of performance year on year?

Well, when you're at the top, the only way is down.

That's a sad reflection.

Especially when you're digging ground.

I just thought, I think he's probably going to be a big money transfer.

It's going to be bought by some Russian oil tycoon.

Maybe he'll start digging swimming pools.

Yeah, I guess it's quite a transferable skill, isn't it?

Although, more so if you've been digging mass graves rather than individual ones.

Ghost of skill.

Economics.

A quick Brexit update now.

And are you Brexit fans?

Give me a cheer if you voted remain.

Give me a cheer if you voted leave.

Well, it appears this room is not entirely 100% representative

of the United Kingdom as a whole.

We are rich beyond our wildest dreams.

That's the latest good news.

In what?

Well, calling it.

In bitterness.

Folly.

Well.

Delusion.

I don't know.

Well, as long as that bitterness, folly, and delusion is bringing us 350 million pounds a week

According to no lesser source than the ruthlessly objective Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson

who now

the

Now according to the Times newspaper our former sister publication

is

They're talking about Boris reviving the Brexit dream team getting the old gang back together for one last job

Michael Gove

joining him.

And he's said that we can get this 350 million pounds a week of pretend money that was plastered on the sides of buses.

I don't know if you saw this news.

Well I have a question about that Andy.

As an outsider I'm always quite fascinated by economics written down on buses.

Should we have a little bit of a business?

No, I really, just as an outsider, we don't have that.

And I was just thinking, could you just extend that to general economics?

Could you have a bus that says this is supply-side economics and just write stuff?

And I have a second question about Brexit.

I don't know much about it, but it just seems like it is something to do with, because I've known, you know, we've known English people to be explorers.

Yes.

That's a generous term.

I mean, 200, 300 years ago, you showed up in just exploreds.

Just

had a bit of an explore.

Yeah.

And no harm, no foul.

Fair point.

Fair point.

I wasn't going there, but we should.

No, no.

That's what the English said as well.

Wasn't going there, but.

Wherever my privilege takes me.

So you came all the way, 200 years ago, all the way, in my town, I'm from Calcutta, hometown.

There was nothing there, absolutely nothing, villages, the 17, 50s, lots of naked people, and you built a massive statue to Queen Victoria.

Right.

And a lot of locals were confused.

Because they were walking around saying, Who's that lady?

Which we don't know.

She's important in another country.

That's the great British.

Well, you put up a massive statue somewhere, people will pay attention.

She paid attention.

But worked for the Romans.

Yeah.

She was holding a staff of some sort.

Right.

So we thought there was important flags, everything.

So that was great.

So you did all that, you know, 200 years ago, and now it seems that there seems to be some hesitation to cross the English Channel.

Right, yeah, maybe we just got it out of our system and

appreciated home comforts a bit more.

Yeah, precisely.

So it just seems like from the voting patterns, older people voted.

So I just as an outsider, I was just confused.

I was thinking, maybe older people went to the world,

realized it's shit,

came back and said, we'll save young people the trouble.

Right, so basically, it was Brexit vote was the aftermath of a communal national gap year.

Because we found ourselves and didn't much like what we found.

Are you saying that the Leave voters were 200-year-old colonialists?

Psychologically, yes.

Now I get it.

But Boris has insisted that Brexit, this is great news for everyone by the way, will allow the United Kingdom to be, quotes, the greatest country on earth.

Which, I mean, it's awesome news.

Did he provide metrics?

Well, this is always the problem with the greatest country on earth, shtick.

It's

quite hard to prove it.

I mean, to be honest, it's a bit negative.

I don't know why he's restricted it to just Earth.

There's typical negative politicians.

We should be the greatest country in the universe.

But also, I thought we already were, because Tony Blair said so, and David Cameron said so.

So, at what point did we drop down the rankings, Helen?

Again, it's hard to stay at the top, Andy.

Right.

Gravediggers and Britain.

The great problem with judging how great a nation is, as you say, is that is the metrics.

And the United Nations, interestingly, are introducing a new scheme so we can properly objectively judge what the greatest nation in the world is.

And they are learning from sport, which obviously has inbuilt structures for fairness.

So

you will, so like in gymnastics and diving, you lose the best and worst marks from

your scores, and they average out the rest.

It's going to be this: to judge how great nations are from now on, a country will lose both its worst atrocity and its greatest achievement.

And then average out the rest to find out how great they are.

So under this new scheme, Spain, for example, will lose both the systematic extermination of indigenous peoples in South America, but it will also lose the siesta.

Would Picasso have been so good at painting if he hadn't been properly arrested?

Of course he wouldn't.

And

also, under this scheme, Britain will lose both the British Empire and the British Empire.

So,

and also old,

this is direct from Boris Johnson, old friendships with Commonwealth countries will be renewed.

Friendships.

I mean, in terms of the friendship our two nations have enjoyed.

It was completely fair.

Yeah.

Balanced.

I mean,

is there any

minor changes to the way we conduct our

global friendships that you'd like to see this time round?

Maybe open fire on slightly fewer crowds in confined spaces or steal less grain?

I think, you know, I just think this time around, if there's some sort of commitment, that would be nice.

Either you're staying or going, that would help.

Right.

Not coming would help as well.

Okay.

I'll just

take a note of that.

Always welcome.

It's like there are some friends you're just glad when they don't come to your birthday party.

And stay back in your house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They either don't leave on time or they don't turn up.

What a good one.

Stay in the attic, maybe, for a year or so.

Hi.

I continually feel I'm in the middle of a family dinner party.

I think, is it nearly time for the QA, Chris?

Yeah, why not?

So let's, Chris, we're going to do an audience QA, question and answer session,

which has always been a part of the Bugle live shows.

And to make this a little bit different, we're going to ask the questions and you have to answer them.

So, Helen, have you got a question for the audience?

When did you last cry and why?

Wow, wow.

Got it.

Right.

So who's going to put their hand up to answer that?

You're just going to have to pick someone in the crowd, Chris.

Chris,

he's a trained triathlete, so

this is safe.

Five, five.

Right.

So Chris is now walking to the fifth seat.

I think he's just going to sit down.

Right.

Why did you last cry?

Answer the question!

Release the files.

I can't remember the last time I cried.

Boo-boo.

You heartless bastard.

Oh, oh.

Because you've erased it.

I do.

Listening to a moth episode on the way to work.

All right.

Podcast then.

Yeah.

I was wondering if it would be now.

Only on the inside.

Do you have a question for the...

Yeah, I'm curious.

It's a very well-travelled audience.

I'm always curious to know.

For those that haven't been to India,

if you go, what's the one place you want to see and why?

The Ghanesis.

The Ghaneses?

The river.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's quite dirty.

But welcome.

It's still there.

Still there.

We've still got some water left.

The good thing is that we're big followers of Donald Trump, so we don't believe in climate change.

So we're just letting it dry up on its own.

But it's still there.

If you come by next week, we'll still have it.

Maybe we'll take some questions from you.

Who's got a question for the panel today?

When's the next pun run?

When's the next pun run?

I couldn't possibly say.

Couldn't possibly.

Yes, question down here.

Helen, have you signed a lease?

I believe a lease was signed in genetics when I was born.

I just reneged on the first thirty-six years of it and then took up possession.

I hope you haven't eaten our supply of Armageddon food that we've been keeping up there.

I just knew you were a prepper.

That was a sensational move.

What are we giving that for artistic impressions?

It's probably more for Andy than for everyone else, but on Friday, Essex won the county championship for the first time in 25 years, despite everyone saying they were going to be relegated.

Is this another sign that the apocalypse is coming?

All right.

Well, Chris here is a hardcore Essex cricket fan.

The answer is: yes, it is.

Yes.

Well, because the last time Essex won the championship was

92, and there were loads of apocalypses knocking around then.

Well, didn't we fall out of the exchange rate mechanism in 1992?

It basically is the harbinger of economic catastrophe.

So thank you, Essex.

In the late 80s, our eldest brother, Rick, told the child that was me that the world was going to end in 1992, so I spent like four years really petrified.

I've never heard you say that before.

I'm only just now coming to terms with it.

Right, he said the world rather than your world.

That's absolutely critical in a sentence like that.

Couple more?

Move it, mate.

This is what he trains for.

We haven't really thought through the geography of this building.

If the use of food banks is a sign of a fully functional and marvellous society, what else have the Tories gifted us of late?

How else can we see that things are going brilliantly?

Well, food banks are awesome, I think.

It just shows the great British sense of irony

that

people who have been left with nothing have to go and collect their food from organisations

named after the institutions that essentially

created the catastrophe that has ruined their lives.

I think that shows what a witty nation we are at heart.

Do you have food banks in

India?

No, that would require organization.

I know at times of British history we did basically use India as our food bank.

There was quite a bit coming through.

You know, I think the thing about Empire is a complicated relationship, but I think the main thing was that we were really surprised.

You know, because when you guys showed up first, you know, you said,

we'd like to live here.

We were just shocked that anyone would.

And they said, we want to build stuff here.

Initially, we were like, go ahead.

We build roads and so go ahead.

But then when the food started leaving, that was a problem.

I hope you've enjoyed it.

It's been great to be here at King's Place, of course, right next to the King's Cross St Pancras station, which of course boasts a record number of

different

boasts a record number of

different London

London Underground lines going through it.

Six in total out of the total of 11.

And this year, of course, is the 154th anniversary of the tube system opening.

And they had a massive party that I went to recently, and the Prime Minister was hosting it.

And we just got chatting was a bit awkward.

And

so we're just making conversation about the tube and stuff.

And I said, well, you know, can you tell me your favourite food shop selling cold meats and cheese?

And Theresa May said, no, I can't do that.

I really, really can't do that.

I said, go on, Piccadilly.

There was a colleague of mine,

famous TV satirist, I won't say his name because it's a bit embarrassing story, but he just started satirizing stuff at this party, particularly reality-based TV.

He had a real pop at it.

He diss strictly.

And then really started going after ancient fairy tales and sofas.

He hammers Smith and SETIs.

How many tube stations are there?

There are hundreds on there.

No, no, this is just.

We're not getting out of here.

It's just the tube lines if you've been paying attention, Helen.

No, I don't.

No, it's just the tube lines.

There are a finite number of tube lines.

I d no, they're not.

This is an infinity amount of punning about tube lines.

I'm just thinking, two more, and I wish the French had invaded us.

Everyone was there.

Everyone was there at the party, including dead people.

That's how good this this party was.

They were a Ouija board, the writer of Brideshead Revisited, the former lead singer of the Velvet Undergrounds, and even from the ranks of the alive, the actor who played B.A.

Barakis in the 18, recently knighted, of course, by the Queen for his services to fool pitying.

Everyone was there from War Talu and Sir T.

War to Sir T.

Formerly Mr.

T, of course.

The notes on the exhibits, this exhibition, are very interesting.

Though I didn't like the layout, all right justified for no reason.

It would have been better left justified like normal text.

Although I prefer equally spread either side of the middle, I like to centre a line.

And they had a previous winner of another reality TV show, the great British Bake Off, who'd made this amazing cake in the shape of the first ever toilet from the London Underground.

I thought, wow, I never thought I'd see anyone bake a loo.

It's part of a baking competition, in fact, I thought, well, no one's going to beat that.

We've got a clear victory here.

But Theresa May wasn't so sure.

She said, Do you believe so?

And

I said, Yeah, yeah, I certainly do.

I'm so sorry.

This is becoming like a Bollywood film.

Yeah, it has.

Don't worry, we are very nearly done.

And

anyway, there was a woman there.

She'd been on the sunbed for far too long, wearing a fishnet body stocking by mistake.

I said to Theresa May, did you meet her?

And she said, Yes, I met her, Appalling Tam.

I met Metra Appalling Tam.

Metropolitan Metropolitan.

Right, I've done.

To be honest, you're lucky because I didn't get around to doing the Northern Line one.

And now the nuclear threat has really been put into perspective, I think.

I do not want to go over ground that I've covered before as well.

I've been there three days and I think I just saw your city.

Good.

Anyway, so that's it.

That's all the tube lines pop on the Northern Line.

Make up your own for that.

But because I didn't want to do all the rest,

the thing about driverless trains the other day, I was reading this story about how they affect the airflow on the pet walking path next to it.

So when you throw your pets in the air as a train whooshes past, well, your cat lands right by your feet, but your dog lands a slight way away.

Thank you.

Right.

It's.

We can get him.

Fortunately.

Fortunately, both of my guests are about to leave the country.

So I think it's probably.

Thanks so much for coming.

Helen, you look genuinely distressed.

Annapolis, lucky you'll be away for Christmas, so we'll have forgotten about this by the time we next to each other.

I don't know, I think they'll just be scarring still at Christmas.

I think you'll still be going at Christmas.

It's not like this stops when you're not here.

So.

Anubab,

you're in London for a few more days?

I am, but I've just come to realize that a large portion of the British people know a lot about your private life.

It's been great, great to be here.

Thanks very much to King's Place for having us.

Thanks.

Please show appreciation for your guests tonight.

Helen Zaltzvan,

Anubab Powell,

Chris Skinner.

I've been Andy.

Thank you very much.

Good night.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.