Bugle 4037 – In the belly of the bull

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4037 of the Bugle which coincidentally is also issue 4 part alpha of the Bugle Live.

Its highlights from the show at The Underbelly on London's South Bank recorded on Thursday the 13th of July 2017.

But don't just take that from me, take it from me introducing myself at that show.

Here we go, there it is.

That is the official bugle theme music.

It is now officially showtime.

So please, now welcome to the stage, the laughter crafter who gives birth to mirth, then suckles, chuckles at the tit of wit.

And reigning WBO and IBF Phantomweight champion of the world and proven liar, Mr.

Andy Zaltzman.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello, buglers.

Thanks.

Welcome.

Welcome to the

fourth live bugle.

Very good.

Welcome.

How are you all?

Good.

I do hope you're more specific than that when you go to see a doctor.

How are you feeling?

Boo!

So welcome, welcome, everyone, to the Bugle Live, the theatrical extravaganza that works even better when you cannot actually see it.

So thank you for coming to the visual version of a renownedly audio-only show.

I am Andy Zoltman and this, as you may be aware, is Chris the producer.

This is what he looks like.

This, we are recording,

recording this will be going out as next week's Bugle at today's date.

Thursday the 13th of July 2017.

If you don't believe me, can you please confirm confirm that audience?

Good bro that's that's as good as holding up a newspaper in a hostage video

on this day all of one year ago David Cameron formally resigned as Prime Minister

to

to spend some more time with his lifetime of harrowing sleepless haunted regret

and gill-addled waking nightmares about what the f he wrought upon this country.

And in fact just today, one year on from Cameron's resignation, they have released the official transcript of his conversation with the Queen

under the Official Secrets and Lies Act.

It has now

been revealed after the one-year cooling off periods.

And the official transcript goes as follows.

Well, you fed that right up, didn't you?

Yes, ma'am.

You are a tool.

Fair point, ma'am.

Fancy golf next Thursday.

So, um,

fancy golf, of course, the royal version of crazy golf.

So, there we go.

on this day in 1919, the British airship R-34 landed in Norfolk, completing the first airship return journey across the Atlantic, taking just 182 hours of flight.

Also, coincidentally, on the same day, the first ever recorded complaints about a lack of choice in in-flight movies.

Now, as always, a section of this live audio newspaper is going straight in the bin.

Oh, Lordy.

I will never, never tire of that.

This week we're looking at wearable tech, the human body.

Who has wearable tech here?

Does anyone have yes, what have you got up there?

Shit?

I don't believe that is wearable tech.

It may be wearable, but tech may be pushing it.

What have you got up there?

A Fitbit?

Which I believe is how Donald Trump refers to

anyway.

I'll leave you to choose which member of his family you think.

Anyway, but

I think, well, there's some excitement.

You'll be quite interested in some of the new stuff that's coming.

Because at last, we've accepted the human body as the useless pile of outdated garbage that it obviously is,

if I may quote my wife.

But technology is saving us from the fragility of Fresh with its life-enhancing wonders.

This week we review the latest new wearable tech, including the Kokunco eyelid.

This replaces the human eyelid and it scans your internet history to get a full 5D profile of your mind, body, and soul, and then automatically shuts your eyes when something is visible on screen or in reality that you might not like.

This is the future.

Also,

the OTEC Sweet Talker 3.2, uh this replaces the ear, and it translates everything you hear in conversation on TV or even on podcasts into exactly what you want to hear.

So never be disappointed again with the OTTEC Sweet Talker 3.2.

It translates other people's criticisms into personal compliments, harrowing news stories into feel-good buddy movies, and even get sacked by your boss, your Sweet Talker 3.2 will tell you you're being rewarded for your brilliant work with a never-ending lifetime holiday.

So

that's the future recommended especially for criticism-sensitive social groups such as children, politicians, voters, women and men.

Also in ear tech, the Cocklear,

spelt K-O-C-H hyphen L-E-A-R, that spouts alternative quotes directly into your ear from Republican supporting tycoons, the Kock Brothers,

and

King King Lear, the old

Shakespearean king.

That is the official version of King Lear, L-E-A-R, rather than the unofficial L-E-E-R, which was an entirely different play.

Oh, Cordelia, you have grown.

Also, the

and also the final piece of wearable tech we're reviewing this week, the slam-slung, the slam-slung,

slam-slung cod piece.

The first sustainable, fully sustainable cod piece.

you wear it with the accompanying 3D 10G enabled jockstrap the cod piece has full 360 degree functionality and can alert the wearer to any impending collision oriented object heading towards his or her netherials

and sound a loud alarm but it cannot be used in conjunction with the Nokia Prince Alberts that we reviewed in Bugle Bugle 291.

There in fact has been a full product recall

on the that Electro Todge alert.

Also

also in in the bin an official non-zodiac specific horoscope

because people don't like to identify with one zodiac sign so this covers all zodiac signs these days.

With the moon once again aligned with bits of the sky

and the sun pointing outwards with Jupiter in one of its gassy phases you could be set to drink a cup of tea or other liquid at some point next week

while someone you know fails to tell you about something they didn't think was really worth bothering you with

be careful not to eat poisonous berries or jump into a crocodile pit at your local zoo with Pluto still further away than Mars and Saturn as big as it normally is that will only end badly so those

those sections in the bin and thank you um

Right, it's time to meet our guests for this evening's live bugle.

Are you ready to meet the guests?

Brilliant.

Firstly, a woman who, when I first met her some 37 years ago, could barely string a coherent sentence together.

Emotionally very unstable, prone to crying for no obviously discernible purpose.

But look at her now.

Marginally improved in every way.

It is the renowned former baby, now podcaster to the Tsars, the scribbling sibling herself, the fount of all wisdom, Helen Zaltzmann!

Thanks, Andy.

Thank you so much.

Hello, Henry.

It's great.

It's lovely to

have you on the show.

Thanks, our parents are in tonight.

So, if you need someone to blame.

Yes, there could be an awkward Christmas coming up if this.

We're Jews.

Yes.

It's very much an annual here's what you could have had.

We backed the wrong horse.

Well, we banked no horse.

That was the problem.

We're just waiting for the right horse.

Can you eat a horse?

Anyway, I don't know.

Horse is kosher, dads?

Can you eat a kosher?

Is the horse kosher?

That is the first.

Chris, have you got internet access?

Give me a minute.

All right, okay.

Sorry?

Who's not cloven?

Who's a not cloven, so it's fine?

What if it lives in the sea and

is wearing a shell?

Are seahorse kosher?

Right.

Is a pantomime horse kosher?

Because that's like a shell, isn't it?

Bad, bad you.

Bad you.

Helen is five years younger than me, and um.

Oh, it was a mistake.

She uh

let history be the judge of that.

At present we can be the judge of that.

And you owe me, Helen.

You owe me because I remember when we went to a brass band concert in the Tunbridge Wells Assembly Room when you were aged naught.

And you did a shit so big

that they basically had to stop the concert so it could be cleared up.

Really?

The reason you owe me is because I've never ever told anyone about that in public.

Do you feel better now that you've got it out of your system as evidently I did then?

That was one of the most spectacular three-dimensional heckles in Shobiz history.

Also,

also joining us, someone from

an entirely different family.

It's the former four-weight world boxing champion, widely regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter of the mid-1990s from Norfolk Vinci.

Oh no, sorry, that's the sorry, that's the introduction I'd written in case Purnell's sweet P.

Whitaker turned up.

Anyways, he's not here, isn't it?

Anyways, someday.

In Sled, joining us for neither the first time nor the last.

It's this week's convincing winner of the most bearded bugle co-host of the week.

It's Nishkumar.

Hello, Zaltzmen.

Hello, Buglers.

Here we are, back, Andy, performing inside an upturned purple cow.

Oh, no, they're kidding.

You've taken the cow off.

Oh, it's not a cow!

They slaughtered it.

Oh, really?

Well, that's good for me, because every time I used to do a gig in here, it was a real, it was really pissing on my Hindu upbringing.

Is it kosher?

It doesn't matter to Hindus, mate.

You can't be like, well, I can't eat beef.

Well, it's kosher.

Yeah, that's not relevant to me in any way.

Double negative.

Nice to see you, guys.

You are one of the worst Jews of all time.

Another classic Kenny Rogers song.

Boy, Kenny really lurched right in the 80s, didn't he?

He really embraced Reaganism a tad too hard.

How are you, Andy?

I'm very well, thanks.

How are you, Helen?

Done any good shits shits when you were niche?

Feel like we need to catch up on your life.

I've done a couple of absolute doozies today, if you must know.

Proud of you.

Hugely fibrous diet.

I've been out on the front lines of show business.

I've done the bugle for a while, and I've been out on the front lines of show business.

I had a gig that devolved into a riot, and a man shouted, you, sir, are a at me.

And what I would say is, if you use the word, you've really invalidated your use of the word, sir.

Like, there there is.

No point in embarking on a sentence that ends in that word and opening it with sir.

Well, maybe he hadn't decided where he was going to go.

No, oh, he had decided.

I saw that C word coming like a freight train with the word written on it.

And then

four days ago, a man came up to me in a bar and said, I'm a big fan.

And I said, oh, thanks very much.

And he went, you're Riz Ahmed, right?

And I panicked and went, sort of, which

very weird response.

So let me explain what's going to happen in this show.

It is largely going to be very much like a normal bugle, but with 400 people thinking we could have stayed at home and listened to this.

There will...

Absolutely incredible work from Saltzman.

You have no idea the brass balls it takes to walk out to an audience full of people who have paid and been like, you wasted your money

and your time.

I speak truth to power.

Not power, audience.

Sorry, anyway.

We will have a question and answer session towards the end of the bugle, so we will field any questions, personal, political, or otherwise, and cure your lives of any problems that you have.

Guaranteed.

And

yeah, and that'll be it.

And there may or may not be puns.

Don't encourage him.

But it's time for our top story.

So, top story this week.

On Tuesday, it was World Population Day.

Who was aware of this?

It's really hit home.

Who participated in it?

Who on Tuesday was part of the World Population for those specials?

reluctantly by the sound of that as well.

So now the world's population is now 7.6 billion, largely because of the 1960s when everyone got incredibly horny and things really took off from there.

It's hit epidemic proportions: 7.6 billion.

That is roughly the same number of people as there are bugle listeners.

And

very slightly more than 50% of the total number of human ears.

But it is.

But

it's still

way, way behind the number of dead people.

Though that's an estimated 107 billion.

That's the dead population of the world, the great unheard majority.

Apart from Brexit, obviously.

107 billion of them, the smug dead bastards, including many dead celebrities, actually a lot of celebrities have died.

Julius Caesar,

Martha Washington, Eric Bloodaxe, the former world number one ranked Viking impersonator.

Jane Austen, the professional liar or

novelist, as she liked to be known.

Elvis Presley.

Yeah, deal with it, people.

Deal with it.

He's gone.

Died a month ago after driving a golf buggy into an aquarium.

But 7.6 billion.

So, Nish, Helen, how did you mark World Population Day?

I continued to be part of the population, Andy.

I continued very...

One of the things that I enjoy with these live shows is actually getting to see people react to the pure bullshit in person.

There's always a couple of people who have always experienced it like badly cut heroin.

And now for the first time they're getting a full dose and they look stunned.

I marked World Population Day by continuing to be a proud part of the world's population, Andy.

I walked around.

Yep, that was about it.

Just a

classic human actor.

That dates back to the very start of evolution.

That's really getting back to Roots.

Helen,

what did you do?

Because you actually, you were a couple of days late in your celebration of

World Population Day because you today

had some exciting jabs

to try and keep yourself as part of the world population for as long as possible.

I had both the hepatitises,

typhoids,

and MMR,

which I thought I had had when I was one mother.

I

had a distinct recollection, one of my earliest memories, of having this needle stuck in my arm and then crying when we walked up the road.

So now I assume she just got a needle in my arm to teach me that the world is full of pain and a cruel place.

Or she took me to get a tattoo which has faded as my infant arm grew.

Never know.

But I celebrated World Population Day on Tuesday, Andy, by not leaving the house once.

Yeah, so I suppose that's one less you have to worry about.

So there was also a report out in conjunction with World Population Day that said the greatest impact that we can have in fighting climate change is to have one fewer child.

So as part of today's show...

You are going to have to vote one of me and Helen out of existence.

If it's equal, we'll let our parents have the casting vote.

So,

why should it be you staying on?

Well, I'm five and a half years younger than you, so better value.

I'm less incompetent,

given that I can do more than nothing without.

Those cricket statistics do not look themselves up, Helen.

I think they do, though.

though.

I think they're self-sustaining.

The other day, you got a sports injury, Andy.

What were you doing?

Yes, I got a sports injury.

I don't know if you can do it.

I've got a sort of bruising on my hand here.

I got this sports injury recording a Radio 4 show that will be out in November.

A Radio 4 show about philosophy.

And

that is how much of a Zeta male I am.

I managed to injure myself recording a show about thinking.

That is.

Because you were not cut out to do anything, even thinking.

When I say that, I've got these burns all up my arm.

That was an egg-frying injury

earlier this week.

It's been a pretty good week for the Zaltimans in terms of.

We can agree that our eldest brother Rick can stay.

Chris, you've.

So basically, I have two children.

Chris, one.

I've got one.

Yeah.

She can stay, yeah?

Yeah.

No, I'm not quite sure.

I like this.

That's fine.

Sorry, I'm just keeping score here.

So

two, one.

Nish, zero kids.

Zero?

Does that mean I have to kill one of someone else's

to get my number down to minus one?

You have to kill one of the Zoltzmanns.

I have to kill one of the Zoltzmanns.

Yeah.

Well, that would be...

I'm just going to move my mic further from you.

Helen, have you got any children?

I have zero children as well, so I don't know how I can get that number down without becoming a child murderer, but anything for the world.

I've got

which of yours do you not like that much?

I think how many...

They both do some jerk things sometimes.

Right.

Sorry, that sounds like you're complaining about the house you've been living in for free for the last year.

Just a couple of weeks.

Just a couple of weeks.

I feel like I'm sort of Jerry Springer in a Saltzman

family dispute.

Right, let's get into this.

Let's talk about these issues.

Well, our mum could decide right now because, you know, she has experience of us both.

I am an accident, but then she wouldn't have kept me if you hadn't been such a disappointment.

This is good.

This is, we're healing, we're healing.

This is exactly what, exactly.

Yes, Jerry, Jerry.

Maybe they don't think we're recording yet.

Anyway, but I think we're all right, because I've got my wife in as well.

Where are you?

How many kids have we got?

Is it two?

Are we including my collection of wisdoms in that, or is that a separate thing?

But anyway,

so

basically three, three between four of us.

So we're actually contributing to

world population declining.

You are welcome.

The eventual

extinction of the species.

There are, of course, other ways to cut your carbon carbon feet off.

Or

is that how it works?

Or at least shrink your carbon feet like a Chinese gymnast.

One, of course, is that if you were...

A lot of Chinese gymnasts in, they did not like that joke.

The bugle is huge in the Beijing tumbling circuit.

If I can add, Andy, I actually, in anticipation of this, tried to break down the world population and have it represent this audience.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Would you like to know if this audience represented the British population, what they would be like?

Right, go on then.

So, 44 of you have had an affair.

So, the person sitting next to you, should you be sitting next to them?

London 2012 inspired 18 of these people in this room to play sports.

Oh, that's right.

Our parents took up beach volleyball after that.

80 people in this room didn't vote at the last election.

Oh, you

naughty people.

Hands up.

Who did not vote?

Did anyone here not vote?

Whoa,

Madam, do you mind if I did not vote?

Not a British citizen.

So what?

Find a way!

Sorry.

Do you live here?

Yes.

This is the future of our...

Commit electoral fraud is fine.

It's fair.

You can't complain about both political apathy and electoral fraud.

It shows commitment to the process.

Theresa May's fault.

Sorry?

Theresa May's fault when she was home secretary.

Oh right, okay.

So where are you from?

The US.

The US?

I voted in your election.

In fact, you shouldn't have.

Did you vote in your election last year?

You shouldn't have voted.

The American election is so important that Americans are the last people in the world.

It affects the rest of the world far more than it affects America.

America should not be allowed to vote in its own election.

It should be exclusively a rest of the world vote.

I bet Donald Trump wishes he had one less kid this week.

Just suddenly he ends up being like, no, look, sorry, Donald Trump Jr., but I'm afraid I've suddenly come over all eco-friendly

and you are going to have to go.

I met an American chap this week who said we were talking about sort of Trump versus Brexit, and he said, well, at least we'll get rid of him in four years' time or sooner if he gets impeached.

And there really is this naivety.

Do you think that if he gets impeached or loses an election, he's going to leave?

This does not end with him flying away.

This ends with him on the roof of the White House with Melania in one hand, like King Kong,

and a phalanx of biplanes making their way down the lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Anyway, we digress.

Other news now.

Mish, you you have a story for us.

Yes, racism news now.

Oh, that's what they've come for.

That's what we're, we know they're in.

It's Chinese gymnasts and English racists.

Um, we're kind of bit of a bit of a bit of a spicy meatball has happened in the UK this week.

A Conservative member of Parliament was recorded

at a public meeting about Brexit at the East India Club using an expression that involved the N-word.

So we've got a Tory minister in the East India Club and the N-word.

This is racism cubed.

Okay?

It is racism within racism.

This is inception racism.

The expression that Anne-Marie Morris used was the N-word in the wood pile, referring to the possibility of a no-deal on Brexit, calling back to a saying that's often used, that dates back from the Civil War in the state and means an unforeseen problem right now obviously this is not what should have offended me immediately but my first instinct was an American expression

are we not even manufacturing racism anymore

what happened to good old and it's not like we're short of right most of our language is somehow racist

She apologized afterwards and said it was a slip of the tongue, which is a big f ⁇ ing slip because that slip managed to take her back to the 19th century

And

what's surprising about it is not necessarily that it happened, because unfortunately, this is the sort of thing that we're kind of depressingly used to.

Another Tory MP did it in 2008?

Exactly.

She's not even the first Tory to get this.

This phrase has not been acceptable in anyone's living lifetime.

How is it just so readily available to them?

That is a question I think we can all answer internally, can't we?

this is a Tory Tory lord in 2008 dropped the n-bomb in the wood pile phrase into a discussion about like the housing association right and two years later they found themselves in power in Downing Street

so maybe this is a tactic you say this is the to shore up Theresa Mays

anyway she has been she has been suspended I believe now and what surprised me was not that it happened obviously as we've established but it's the level of defence that people have sort of mounted

Even like people I know like a friend of mine said to me it's not racist and I was like I mean it literally I mean that is the dictionary definition

like that is the most racist that is the most that is super racism like that is the one thing that we all know is that the n-word is incredibly racist and you if you use it at a business meeting or anything professional you probably don't deserve to run a McDonald's much less a f ⁇ ing constituency.

But then he then went this is a real conversation that I had with my friend this week.

He said, it's not racist, it's ignorant, right?

And he said, the thing about racist is that it's such a powerful word, we should be very careful about when we use it.

And I thought, I'll tell you what another powerful word is

that we should maybe be careful about how we use.

Phenomenal.

Absolutely astonishing.

I've started employing some reverse racist sayings because there's so many and our languages are washed with them.

I'm going to start dropping in.

So anytime anytime you see, like instead of saying like something's a sore thumb, right, all you have to do is say honky at a rap gig.

That's.

And anytime you see something which looks slightly out of place but you can't put your finger on why, white lady in Asari.

And

anytime you see someone benefiting unjustly in spite of

the mistake they had previously made, well, that's a full George Osborne.

There you go.

Three sayings to reverse the tide of racism.

The full George Osborne, of course, the most, currently, the most popular wax in the British

grooming industry.

But also, I read this wasn't the only sort of race-based snafu that occurred this week.

The actor Shia LeBoef, which is of course French for shave the beef.

Hello, is this thing on?

Apologised for using racially charged language while he was being arrested by the police.

Finally, meaning that the Transformers films are not the worst thing he's done.

And I also read this in the story.

I didn't know anything about this, but

this seems to be the paragraph that has really encapsulated where we are as human beings right now.

This was from the Guardian report about this particular incident.

He wrote, they wrote, the actor was arrested in January over a dispute connected to his art project, hashtag he will not divide us, which is an art project designed to show Donald Trump that he wasn't going to divide people, right?

And that art project has now been closed after it became, and this is a direct quote, a flashpoint for violence.

That's the perfect encapsulation of everything that's going on in the world right now.

Art news, and this week we learnt that Steve Bannon has a large portrait of himself as Napoleon Bonaparte

Which was a gift

It was a gift from Nigel Farage

So I've a lot of questions firstly where do you order one of these so is there someone on Etsy who will say right

you can choose from this list of historical figures or or do you upload a photo and it it puts a filter on?

Or did Nigel do it himself?

Is it a psychological profiling that Steve Bannon had to answer some questions and said, yeah, Napoleon.

Yeah, but what do they have in common though?

First, he doesn't really have a Napoleon complex, because Napoleon was five foot two, Steve Bannon is nearly six foot tall.

Steve Bannon hasn't invaded Iberia and made his brother the king of Spain yet.

Yes.

And Napoleon was not a stakeholder in Seinfeld.

Right.

So,

well,

Napoleon, though, did, as discussed on a previous bugle,

as proved by evidence of a dismembered part of his body, have an extremely small penis.

So, I mean, is this, are we to infer, because that meant someone chopped it off at his autopsy and kept it as a souvenir, and it's currently in a private collection.

I mean, that's an odd autopsy to be at, isn't it?

And you think Nigel Farage would have known the size of Steve Bannon's?

It's possible.

They are good friends that go back away.

Right.

I mean, I can't.

It's an odd.

Time of death, 1821,

cause of death.

I think that's a better joke than you're giving it credit for.

Cause of death, heart failure.

Does anybody want a souvenir?

Is it not ironic, Helen, though, that

Farage should have given Bannon a picture of Napoleon, a man who ironically got Britain very much involved in Europe.

I think I'd always just assumed that re-portrait Steve Bannon used that Steve Bannon there was a portrait of him looking like a normal human being and that he has spent his life trapped in a kind of reverse Dorian Gray situation.

And it is, I mean, also, I mean, it's basically, another thing they've got in common is that they do both, I mean, he looks as if he was last exposed to direct sunlight at about the same time as Napoleon was.

Which arsehole from history would you like to be portrayed as as a gift from which arsehole from the present?

That question's open to the floor.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the chat up line Helen used when she met her husband, thank you.

He said, Otto von Bismarck, because of the hat.

And I thought, that's the man for me.

I don't know, that's quite a difficult one.

Well,

to have to do a full,

I don't know,

Nebuchadnezzar.

Nice, probably some good robes.

Yes, Nebuchadnezzar in his full name, of course.

Shortened by the tabloid press at the time.

And I'd like

to be donated

donated by

Idi Armin.

Is he recent enough?

I just think that'd be a nice person to get a picture from.

Let's see what I can arrange for Christmas.

That's a really difficult one.

I'm surprised.

I feel like one of you two should pick Hitler just because you know how much it would have upset him.

That would r I mean, to be honest, I I could pick Hitler because I'm pretty sure he wasn't keen on my lot either.

To be 100% fair to him.

And I would have it presented by...

Oh, it's a tricky one, this, isn't it?

I would have it presented by Steve Bannon, because then I'd like to think that we got involved in a sort of chain letter situation

where we have to...

Farage has has handed it to Bannon, and now Bannon has handed it to me.

Now I've got to find another asshole to hand it over to.

And then the whole thing just keeps going until eventually we bring it right back round to Farage as Idi Amin, which he would not be a fan of either.

Can we have that picture up again?

Because

when we've talked about Bannon's, I know you shouldn't judge politicians on their appearance, but I mean, he's pretty much a one-man war against vitamin E.

I say that with respect and admiration, by the way.

Someone give him a orange.

Jesus.

I would imagine Napoleon, after his little jaunts to Russia in the winter of

1812, looks probably slightly rosier in the cheek than

Bannon generally looks.

He does go to Russia a lot, though, probably.

that is top-level bugling.

That is really, that is 25-carat bugling.

How did we get here?

I don't know, we actually landed on some legitimate satire.

That's not actually.

Was that the actual picture, or was that someone that's?

I loved it because you can see his belly, and I think Nigel Farage would probably make it a fluttering portrait.

Right.

That's his hand.

Is it?

Yeah.

That is himself

checking, ripping out his own entrails to see if he can feel anything.

Nothing.

But actually, I mean, it's not, they didn't actually have him for a sitting.

They actually just used a police photo fit from a man who'd been seen wearing a long black coat, cloak with a big hood, carrying a scythe hanging around a nursing girl.

Say what you will about Steve Bannard, but he's the only person in the world who looks like his own partially melted Madame Two Swords waxwork.

Don't toy with us, Andy.

Just get to the fing puns.

Okay.

Well

you're like a shark circling its prey.

Well since you're we're all the prey.

Since Helen is on the show as the

undisputed world expert on

on etymology and language, I think that's fair to say, isn't it?

Sure.

Yeah.

I

thought of doing some language-based puns, but then I wasn't, you know.

Oh, God.

Small puns are language-based.

Yeah.

There we go.

F ⁇ ing amateur.

Right.

I'm impervious to this kind of shit.

37 years of it, you can battle for anything.

But I just not sure if they wordplay very well with the audience.

So I don't know.

I didn't.

But I'm not really.

So I'm not not comfortable doing puns about figures of speech and rhetorical devices.

And it goes back to actually, I went to a yoga class a while ago, and I saw a member of the House of Lords exercising on a special bit of material.

She lost her balance and fell flat on her face.

Splat.

Look, I said, on a mat appear.

And

it was.

Genuinely, that was painful.

That was a painful, painful one.

I think structurally that was quite good.

It was.

If you were at a yoga class, suspension of disbelief doesn't work that much.

You've got an engine for recording a Radio 4 show about thinking.

You diet, yoga.

Anyway, it was turned on to Baroness Stantwich.

She just brought this umbrella.

She said it was the best umbrella she'd ever had.

She went on and on and on about how bloody amazing this umbrella was.

Really talked it up.

She certainly liked to hyperbrolly.

Hyperbrolly.

She.

she uh

my show my rules

she sat down at a picnic once uh she leapt straight up away in in in pain shouting ow now wow how

because right under her arsenants nest

arsenant

oh that doesn't work

but no she calmed down and started uh started eating

this is radicalizing me all right

it's that easy it's that easy people

so um

she calmed down and started eating the food at the picnic.

She particularly liked the dried fruits.

Oh, this is a gorgeous, globular, gooey grape.

Glorious.

I had to try one.

Mmm, I said.

A little raisin.

A little raisin.

A little raisin.

A little raisin.

A little raisin.

Don't reward failure.

That was supposed to be.

How upset Chris is.

Imagine having to see this every week.

I'm only 18.

Anyway, there was a nun there as well.

She was trying to open a jar of gherkins, but couldn't manage it.

She got really cross and started swearing.

I can bloody not un screw these pickle cue bastard incumbers.

I stepped in to help.

Leave it to me, sis.

Now, so to me, sis is when you split up one word with another word.

Yeah, you know what makes jokes good?

Footnotes.

Anyway.

Anyway, one Gherkin she picked from the jar.

One Gherkin she bit into.

One Gherkin she chewed.

One Gherkin she swallowed.

One Gherkin made her day.

One Gherkin.

Surely she would have another, but no, no more.

That was a Naphara.

That was a Naphara.

Can you just explain what a Naphera is?

Because I can't remember it from when I wrote the joke.

Oh, shit.

That was like a moment.

Dr.

Lufk had a stroke.

Not a betting this.

Oh, no.

Right.

Anyway.

Oh, another full page.

Full page there.

Anyway, I think I'll think I'll end there.

So I didn't think I was too bad.

I'm quite pleased with it.

It wasn't definitely not the worst pun run in the world.

That's the truth.

I wouldn't lighto tease people.

I mean, come on, lightoise.

I think the trouble is, Andy, not that many people know that Leitotee is the term for the opposite of hyperbole.

And if this is the way that they're going to learn, then I don't think they want to.

I think that is the way

education works in many different formats.

I'm done with that now.

I enjoyed it.

And to be honest,

it's too late for you to get your money back because you're not going to be able to do it.

Oh, no, we say that.

That actually began after 61 minutes of the show,

and the show is advertised as an hour.

So, contractually, I had no duty to be funny.

Nailed it.

Hey, fair play to him.

He's got your bank to rights there.

So, do listen to The Illusions, one of the great radiotobia podcasts.

Have you ever heard it?

I've heard bits of it.

I haven't even

heard the bugle for.

You've been on it more than once.

No, no, I heard it.

Listen to

other illusionist podcasts, Bertie the Magic Cheese Hammer.

That's a science podcast by Professor Blue T.

Hummer Chunks.

Also previously did What If This Shit Is Real?

Which asks questions such as,

what happens if a molecule from Stalin's penis gets in my sandwich, do I become a communist?

Um

the history podcast, uh thank f these f ⁇ s are dead, that's um

Professor Drevil Mareviet.

To follow up to his hit NPR series in America, my favourite dead bastards.

Uh

the Radio Tube has got a new true crime podcast um

uh with 234 examples of successfully prosecuted traffic violations.

Uh that's uh Sergeant Kurzlake Dramp of the California Traffic Police.

Um and celebrity confessions.

Uh this week's uh episode features actor John Hamm cracking after 25 minutes in a medieval thumb screw and spilling the beans on his involvement in the Kennedy hit.

And

Madeline Albright, former Secretary of State in America,

recorded during a week in solitary confinement with a non-stop sound of a farm yard punctuated only by Tick Cheney screaming, scream if you want to go faster.

Once every three minutes, gradually, Albright mentally disintegrates and tearfully admits that the Clinton administration tried to goad Colonel Gaddafi into invading Mexico.

It's It's amazing.

It's like food poisoning.

Just when you think it's over, there's another wave.

I can't believe it's infected the plug sections.

Have you weaponised your bullshit?

Anyway, better out than in.

Is it though?

Chris,

any final comments?

It's 25 minutes since I gave you a five-minute warning.

Right, that is now officially the end of the show.

Please share a present.

Chris the producer, Nishkumar, Helen.

Was it?

How do you pronounce it?

Zlatzmann.

Zlatzman.

Thank you for coming, Buglers.

Until next time, goodbye.

There you go.

I hope you enjoyed that.

There will be more from the same show in a future Bugle week soon.

But that is all you're getting for now, whether you like it or not.

And I hope that you did like it.

Thanks once again to the Knight Foundation for their support.

And do, of course, listen to all the other shows on Radiotopia and nothing else in the world for the rest of your lives.

And I mean nothing, not even the sound of the wind in the trees.

Deal?

Good.

Until next time, Buglers, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.