Bugle 4027: The Sinister Minister (LIVE)

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4027 of the Bugle and or BL002 the highlights of the second bugle live show from Melbourne Australia.

I am Andy Zaltzmann as you probably know by now and I'm back above the equator.

Water is no longer squirting me directly in the face as it flies upwards out of the plughole.

The blood is no longer flowing the wrong way up my arteries and or veins and the sun is coming up on the right side of the sky again.

Thanks very much to the southern hemisphere for having me and thanks to everyone who came to my shows there.

I will be back in the hopefully not too distant future.

This week's bugle was recorded back on Sunday the 23rd of April, the final day of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, in the town hall in the city that, but for a serious lack of foresight by the people of 19th century Australia, was so nearly called Batmania, a missed opportunity that Australia continues to rue to this day.

At least I assume they rue it.

They certainly should rue it.

The bugle live that you're about to listen to covers all the issues of the day from two weeks ago with guests Will Anderson and Zoe Kumbsmar, including an Australian government that had just pledged to scrap the 457 visa for temporary skilled overseas workers.

It doesn't affect me as I only qualify for words one and three of that phrase.

It was recorded just before round one of the French election.

Round two is this Sunday, the 7th of May, so by the time you listen to this, Europe may possibly be absolutely shitting itself or smoking a relaxing metaphorical gitan of relief at France having become the first country ever to vote for a 3D printout of a political void which frankly ought to be the blueprint for all politics.

Full updates on the French election on next week's bugle when we will also have all the latest on the UK election that no one wanted, no one needed and no one wanted or needed.

In terms of coming to see my live shows, as I know you are all thirsting to do, in addition to my UK tour shows coming up this week at Exeter Phoenix on Wednesday the 10th and Birmingham Glee on Friday the 12th, thereafter, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Newcastle, Chorley, Cambridge, Oxford and Reading, details at andyzaltzman.co.uk there is the first of two satirist for hire shows at the Underbelly on London South Bank on the 18th of May.

Do send in your request for that show to satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

And as hinted last week, I'll be doing some election special shows at the Soho Theatre.

I'm doing political animal shows on the 25th and 29th of May and the 3rd of June featuring me and guests to be announced and there is a one-off Bugle Live election special on the 30th of May.

Tickets for all these shows on sale at the Soho Theatre website.

Also check the Underbelly site for the Bugle Live on the 13th of July and the Saturdays for Haar shows on the 18th of May and the 20th of June.

And I'll be playing the Shea Stadium in New York on the 15th of August 1965.

Oh sorry, no that was the Beatles, my mistake.

Right, it's time travel time and hemisphere travel time.

Back two weeks to the underside of the globe and this.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to issue two of the Bugle Live, the visual version of an explicitly audio-only show.

What are you doing here?

Please now welcome to the stage Andy Salzburg!

Hello Buglers!

Great.

I imagine that is the response that happens whenever I say hello buglers on the podcast.

I now picture everyone who listens to the podcast gathering together in a group of about 300 people and shouting and clapping.

So, welcome to the Bugle Live.

How are you all?

Good.

Are you happy with the the world at the moment?

Out of ten, how do you score the world right now?

Minus one.

You've gone in very pessimistic there, madam.

Let's try and get it in some kind of perspective.

1917 scored 1.3.

I am, for those of you who don't know I'm Andy Za Zla Z

is that shit how's that pronounced?

Zalt Zaltz?

Zaltz, was that a Peruvian?

Anyway.

Um I'm uh Andy Zaltzman and I am uh for those of you uh listening not live, I am live in Melbourne, the city famous for its four seasons in one day weather quirks.

As a result of which Melbourne is officially the city with the most stressed farmers in the world.

Come on for fuck's sake, no one can plow that fast.

And

And also, home to some extremely disappointed husky dog teams.

Oh, bulls, not again, I've just got the barking bastard strapped to my sledge, and now it's fucking 35 Celsius, and they want to go doggy surfing.

Of course, some skepticism about that joke, as Melburnians will know.

It is, of course, under local bylaws an offence to drive a goat or dog harnessed or attached to a vehicle in a public place.

So that joke is struck from the record.

So we are recording on the 23rd of April 2017, historic anniversaries 1985.

Coca-Cola launched the new Coke, one of the least successful reboots and rebrands in corporate history, up there alongside confectioners Flershy, who started putting real chicken feet as in their Easter eggs.

Then I'll go down well.

Children's author Roger Hargreaves, are you Roger Hargreaves fans in Australia?

For the Mr.

Men books, he released Mr.

Horny.

Stridently pornographic.

Although to be fair, he did go into a bit more depth than usually.

He painted a three-dimensional picture of underlying solitude.

And Smith and Weston's new peace pistol, which just fired a little baby dove at 600 miles an hour out of the barrel.

Went down badly with both gun fans and animal rights activists.

Also, the 23rd of April is St.

George's Day.

He spread himself around.

St.

George, the patron saint of England, patron saint of at least 10 other countries, countries, which says to me one thing, and that is tax dodger.

He famously slayed a dragon, showing the cavalier attitude towards endangered wildlife that brought so many soft furnishings to British aristocratic living rooms during our imperial phase.

Sorry, first imperial phase.

We're coming back for you, Australia.

Come back to the mothership.

And

St.

George was not only patron saint, but also inspiration for the British laissez-faire attitude towards corporate tax dodging.

A whole approach to this is founded on the St.

George School of Economics.

Now, St.

George famously killed a dragon.

What is less known is that it was a baby-eating dragon, and the way St.

George killed it was by feeding it babies until it became too fat to breathe.

Now, of course, he was criticised for his methods, but he did insist that long term there would be a net saving on babies.

And

people say, well, it's all right for you, St.

George, then not your babies being eaten.

And it's true he kept his kids in an offshore account in the Cayman Islands.

But the point is, we've got to trust our patron saints.

And also, the 23rd of April, 40 years to the day since John Oliver was born.

There he is.

That is the baby John Oliver on the day of his birth.

John Oliver, of course, famously former co-host of the Bugle.

So what I would like you to do now is record a little birthday greeting for John.

I'll pass that on.

Now, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight.

This week, a William Shakespeare Memorial Supplements.

It is 453 years since Shakespeare hatched out of a magic egg in the Forest of Arden, and 401 years since he popped his playwright's clogs, meaning he's been dead or alive for a combined total of 854 years.

The celebrity former England playwright and world literature hall of famer.

Old Billy Bigwoods, of course, if you've not heard of him, cranked out hit after hit after hit in various formats from the platinum-selling rom tragedy Hamlet via controversially poorly researched historical documentary such as Richard III or to give it its rarely used full title, Tricky Dicky Gets the Hump.

A number of sequels that didn't do so well at the box office, including including Coriolanus and Othello Get the Munchies.

Some self-help plays, including The Joy of Plague, How to Make the Most of an Agonising Death.

And also, he did game shows.

You know,

he was a host of a couple of very popular late 16th-century game shows, including Itchy Witchy,

at which you had to itch an alleged witch.

And if she screamed, she was a witch.

And Heretic or Heracross.

Could the celebrity panel judge which contestant was a true follower of the Christian way and which infidel they should burn at the stake?

Which, frankly, was a fuck of a lot more interesting than as you like it.

Also, here's another fact about Shakespeare.

In fact, how can you tell these days?

His obsession with pentameter-based verse earned him the soubriquet the big I am.

Oh come on people.

That deserved marginally more than it got.

Some famous quotes from Shakespeare.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Of course the first draft of that goes on.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Yes.

Oh good.

In which case you're like a summer's day darling, in that I cannot spend any time with you because there's cricket on the telling.

A cup of tea would be nice.

Cheers, it's 140 for three.

And to commemorate Shakespeare, here at the Melbourne Town Hall, we have a room full of infinite monkeys trying to come up with another Shakespeare smash hit.

Let's just find out how they're doing.

Who let the elephant in?

Right.

Okay, let's see what they've come up with.

Right, these appears to be the full lyrics to Millie Small's classic 1964 Scar Pop hit, My Boy Lollipop.

The first 18 minutes of an episode of Neighbours.

And some improved versions of Shakespeare's existing work.

I mean, a few just quotes picking out here.

For fuck's sake, Othello, you fucking idiot.

The guy's clearly a fucking douchebag.

Hamlet, you indecisive fuckstick, make your fucking mind up, you privileged white loser.

And again from Richard III, fuck, where's my fucking horse?

What the fuck is my fucking horse?

Which fucking schmuck next my fucking horse?

Also, they've come up with the entire scripts of seasons one to three of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

And here's something: King Lear, spelled L-E-E-R.

About a very creepy old man.

Oh my Cordelia, if I wasn't your father, I would...

Oh, sorry, no, that's just a load of Donald Trump quotes.

Anyway, so, anyway, sorry.

Right, so, right, it is time to meet our guests for today's bugle.

Are you ready to meet the guests?

Good.

We got two brand new members of the bugle stable.

Firstly, a man who should fit right into the bugle, not only because he just has to look at something to turn it into a podcast, but also because he includes includes a pun on his own name in every single title of his live shows so it is fortunate his name is Will rather than for example Wustislav as

Polish comedians would no doubt testify please welcome the wonderful Will Anderson

how you doing Will thank you I'm good thank you welcome welcome to the bugle welcome to the bugle welcome sorry very good

you're going in hard right yeah we might as well you brought it up

I was I was impressed I was reading through the list of your shows.

Are you planning another 50, 60 years of shows here?

I mean, you're going to be able to do that.

I've certainly got the last few planned out.

I think I'm going to do Terminly Will.

Right.

And then Last Will and Testament.

I think that's how I'll finish it out.

The full posthumous show.

That's.

All right.

I mean, what is your particular favourite?

Well, there's one I haven't got past my management yet that I want to do, which is Fuck Marry Will.

But unfortunately, that one doesn't work on a poster.

And also on Bugle debut, champion of last year's Melbourne Festival, star of the Edinburgh Fringe, it is Zoe Coombs Ma!

Hi everyone.

Oh and also, sorry, I almost forgot, our third guest today, literally dug up from his metaphorical bugle grave, it is Tom the producer.

Welcome.

Hello, Andy.

Last week, Tom did not have as much kit as you would expect a podcast producer to have whilst ostensibly producing a podcast.

So, this week, we've got him this.

Ah, thank you.

So, just you know, I want you to at least pretend that you're working.

Oh, hang on.

Andy, I think there's something wrong with this laptop.

And it's designed for ages four to eight.

It should fit right in.

Thank you.

Prop work.

It's the best satire, really, isn't it?

My um

have you seen my show?

Um,

Not yet.

So I think it's time for our top story.

And the top story...

Oh, hang on.

Before that, sorry.

Right, okay.

Top story this week.

Australian citizenship.

And it's all happening here in Australia.

Will.

Yeah, basically, our current Prime Minister, you have to say that because I don't know when people are going to be hearing this.

Our current Prime Minister,

the Dishonourable Malcolm Turnbull, and the sinister Minister for Immigration, Peter, the man who was a cop, now is a human potato dutton.

They decided that Australian

citizenship tests weren't strong enough because it turns out that you need to speak proper English, like being able to say citizenship tests.

So they're going to put an English language component into our new citizenship test, but they're also going to put in some other questions.

There's now just two questions in the entire citizenship test.

It's the first one is, Are you a Muslim?

And the second one is, No, seriously, are you a Muslim?

So that's the whole test now, I believe.

Any Peter Dusson fans in?

Really?

I've been waiting to say this.

Go back to where you came from.

Any Malcolm Turnbull fans?

Bill Shorten fans?

That was the most appropriate response.

That's the Malcolm Turnbull journey, isn't it?

There was that moment we were optimistic that it might have been all right, and then it's supposed to have been like, oh.

Trojan.

He's even stopped catching the bus.

Like, remember when, like, every day, so when he first came in, because he's like worth billions of dollars, and most of them are in the Cayman Islands.

So that's not one of the questions on the test, luckily, for Malcolm.

But every day, to show you as a man of the people, he would be seen seen on a bus.

There'd be a picture of him taking a selfie on a bus because someone had obviously told him that's what ordinary people do.

That's not what they do, Malcolm.

No ordinary person gets on a crowded bus at seven o'clock in the morning and goes, Oh, she'll get this for my Instagram.

This is a highlight of the day.

We know you're rich, Malcolm.

You're so rich that you looked at beautiful Kiribilli house on Sydney Harbour and just went, Nah, I'm not living in that shithole.

He's rich enough to be Prime Minister by day and Batman at night, Andy.

So

Peter Dutton, he said, our reforms will ensure applicants commit to embracing Australian values, but it appears that the values that he embraces are ones of quite horrific intolerance.

So that to become a citizen, you basically now have to want yourself not to become a citizen.

That is...

Yeah, it's a little difficult for immigrants to embrace the Australian value of hating immigrants.

What they do in the test now is they hold up a mirror and if you don't say fuck off we're full, you're out.

Of course.

If you see something, say something.

The great problem of course is space and Australia is

almost none of it left.

I mean only 10% of Australia is inhabitable according to no less a source than the internet.

A tiny amount of land into which you could barely squeeze five Bangladeshis

or three United Kingdoms.

So it's pretty much filled to bursting point with this 23 million people.

Fuck off, we're full.

It seems to me that essentially Australian rules immigration is basically the same as Australian rules football in that it is needlessly violent and aggressive, despite there being a vast amount of space.

And it is.

And it is and will always remain completely and utterly baffling to the outsider.

You're a big fuzzy fan, aren't you?

Yes, yes, sir, I am.

Can you explain it to the confused outsider?

Oh, you're not meant to get it.

You're just meant to like it.

You're just meant to.

It's an evolving game.

That's the joy of it.

But I support a team that had not won the Premiership since 1954.

And they won the Premiership last year in a Cinderella story, The Western Bulldogs, and it was very exciting for me.

But I did lose one of my favourite jokes of all time, which was: I used to say that if I'd wanted to watch their previous premiership, I would have only had to wait another two years until television came to Australia.

You're not a fan, Zoe?

I care about sport about as much as I care about Malcolm Turnbull's bus selfies.

So, sorry, guys, I know you're all sports fans.

I know it's a thing.

I just, I don't care.

Right.

Any sports at all, though?

No, no, none of them.

You are wrong.

You are factually wrong.

You are.

No, I'm right about me not caring.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're wrong about the way you're conducting your life.

You have to embrace sport.

It's so much better than reality.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I like

contemporary performance art.

No one likes that.

That's fine.

We can like different things.

It's cool.

Well, just do contemporary performance art with a ball and a net.

It'll be so much better.

So much better.

There's been a lot about Australian values with this story.

Malcolm Turnbull said, Australians have an enormous reservoir of good sense.

What?

And we are going to drain that reservoir

to stop the boats floating on it.

It's ours.

We own it.

We got it.

We stole it.

The values of mutual respect,

democracy and freedom.

I mean, how does that square with the

Manus Islands and Nauru?

Well, we don't want people coming over here taking our democracy.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, well, this country was originally founded by your people as a prison island, and now we're just franchising.

That's better than any joke that was in my show this year.

And I'm sad that I came up with it on the last day of the festival.

Anyway, come back next year and see my whole show about that.

We'll legal alien.

Boom!

Boom!

Hang on.

I'm going to give that a.

There we go.

Right, I think we should move on to science.

Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Tom, did you put that one together?

Yeah.

Right.

Now you've lived here for six years?

Yes.

How are your Australian values coming on?

Yeah, well,

my current visa situation means I can't join in this bit.

Okay.

Or have any opinion whatsoever.

But keep going, it's going really well.

You're not a 4.57, are you?

I had a conversation with someone the other day who was like, They obviously hadn't read the news properly, but was like, I heard that Malcolm Turnbull's getting rid of almost 500 visas.

Science news now, and Zoe, there's some very

worrying news that you found for us.

Well, also good news, good news.

World almost ended just a couple of days.

I don't know if anyone knows this, but we had a real close shave with an asteroid the other day.

It was

heaps close.

Yeah, just

that's in the Australian citizenship test.

It's this massive asteroid that has

been doing the rounds for a while.

But it's actually made up of two asteroids stuck together, and it nearly hit Earth just the other day and

almost ended the world.

So yeah, it's pretty exciting.

It's called the Rock, but it didn't hit us because then it had to go off and do

Fast and Furious.

Yeah, people did say it was the most electrifying force in space and astronauts.

Oh, no, no, sorry.

You've got to follow wrestling to get that joke.

I think it missed by a million miles, which is a pretty piss-poor effort as far as I'm concerned.

No wonder the dinosaurs got cocky.

Those asteroids are generally shit.

But they never dinosaur it coming.

No.

No, hang on.

I thought you people liked puns.

Bastards.

Thank you.

But for any...

Sorry, I'm being a bit for silly.

I've got...

Alright, I'll have another try, Levite.

I thought that was a ja-classic.

They're wearing your clothes, Andy.

So I'm quite happy with this.

It's slightly taken the pressure off of what's coming later.

Just feels so...

It's great writing this.

I feel like Charlotte Bronte, Saurus.

Oh, that was Tricera Topps.

Shall I leave?

This really suits me to a T, Rex.

Let's have another jingle.

So we are having an election.

Any Brits in today?

Have you got election fever?

No.

It depends what the symptoms are, I guess.

If it's just me you want to lie in bed for months on end, then I think I might have it, to be honest.

Now, I'm going to get quite technical here.

Theresa May made a speech, and if you've seen my shows before, I use a device called the Subtextricator.

Now, one of the great frustrations of modern life is that we don't trust politicians.

We always think there's some hidden subtext.

The subtextricator extricates that subtext for us.

Let me just get it running now.

Hang on.

Subtextricator on.

Okay, I just need to calibrate it on you, the audience, before I run Theresa May's word through it.

I'm just just going to ask a few of your questions.

Mate, enjoying the show so far?

Not bad.

Not bad.

Why did you come here for you?

To see if it's better than last week.

To see if it's better than last week.

Let us

find out what you really mean by that.

I know there is a Pokemon somewhere in this room.

I think it is in Andy Soltzmann's trousers.

I am going to look in Andy Saltzman's trousers.

Right, fair enough.

And

Madame, you enjoyed the show so far?

Ten out of ten.

Steady.

This is, at best, an idea being worked through.

So

did I say that out loud?

Sorry.

Let's find out what you really mean by that.

I am finding it powerfully erotic.

Not that kind of show, lady.

Right.

Good.

So

let's put Theresa May's words though.

So she said firstly that she wanted to explain what she was doing.

She said this.

I want to explain the reasons for that decision.

What does that mean?

This will be quick.

Jeremy Corbyn.

There we go.

Very simple.

And she also explained what we'll have to decide on when we vote in June.

And the choice facing the British people when you come to vote in this election.

What does that mean?

It will be very similar to the choice you get in a restaurant serving only rats' testicles and the scrapings of chairs in nursing homes.

Funny because it's true.

She also, Joan, kind of showed what momentous times we live in in Britain.

Britain is leaving the European Union and there can be no turning back.

Britain is Thelma.

I am Louise.

Let's do this thing.

And

she also complained that people have not been doing exactly what she wanted so far in Parliament.

She said this.

At this moment of enormous national significance, there should be unity here in Westminster.

But instead, there is division.

I fundamentally misunderstand the purpose and function of democracy.

And she also complained about other people who have not really been

helping her out.

She said this.

Unelected members of the House of Lords have vowed to fight us every step of the way.

Hearing the Conservatives complain about an unelected House of Lords is like hearing Michelangelo complain about there being too many naked willies on a ceiling.

And finally, she had a warning for all her political opponents.

She said this.

This is your moment to show that you do not treat politics as a game.

If scientists can find a way of turning hypocrisy into electricity, I have just saved the planet.

You're welcome.

So,

how much do British elections get much traction over here?

Do you like it?

You know, we just find the idea, I think, in Australia now of elections a bit quaint.

Because that's not really how we change leaders in this country.

We do that between elections.

We just get them out of the way and then go fucking

go for it.

Is that working well?

oh yeah it's going great yeah it's like we've got the best car in the world and we can't find one idiot to drive

yeah it's terrible everyone's getting a go it's like the chicken shop you just take a number you'll be prime minister at some stage

We do get a bit of coverage of that, but people are so disengaged with the game of it.

But I saw recently someone had proposed that we have a national holiday, like a public holiday that's just about thinking about politics.

Like an actual MP had said, but yeah, called Deliberation Day, just to think about politics.

It just feels so sad to me.

It's like the loser at school getting their mum to pay people to come to your birthday party.

It's just the.

Is there something wrong with that?

And essentially, you've just described people who start podcasts.

Please help.

Also, by the time you listen to this, either in the room or at home,

just sound takes at sweet time.

France will have started voting in its presidential election.

They will have started smearing their foie gras next to the names of their preferred candidates,

whatever they do.

The favourite is Emmanuel Macron, the centrist candidate who's been playing the I'm the least obvious lunatic card pretty hard.

Donald Trump has said Marine Le Pen is the best candidate from which you can logically deduce that a steaming pile of freshly defossilized mammoth shit would be a better candidate than her.

Now, the immigration issue in France has been,

can anyone guess?

A, cynically exploited and massively divisive, or B, barely mentioned at all by the candidates who maturely focus on building a peaceful, unified nation.

It is A, correct.

But there's been some French candidates.

I'll just take you through some of the French candidates now, including Her Flance Aux-le-Fleur of the Chrag-Galique party, the most indifferent force in French politics.

Marionette Plancaur, Plancaur, leader of the SLM, that's the far-right anti-history party, Sulmon Le Maintenance, which wants to hit all French people on the head with a granite baguette until they've forgotten anything that has ever happened in their history that might suggest that drifting to the far-right is not a good idea.

Severance de Couchetet, the Pleus d'Affaires party, wanting compulsory affairs for all married couples in France.

She might think is a little bit pointless, a bit like the make New Zealand more obsessed with rugby party.

Bagoutine Foie de Chien, she's from the Parti pour l'estériutipe nationale.

And

Flamboise Plutérial, who's independent but scarred by allegations that not only did he give his wife a non-existent job and pay his children non-existent money, but that he himself does not even exist.

I mean, these

go to the very top.

Last living moments news now, and an American man died last week, believing Donald Trump had been impeached after

his wife told him that, thinking it would make him leave the world happier.

Now, this.

I mean, this is the greatest story to emerge from the whole Trump shamuzzle for me.

I mean, I just think that's what you do to someone you love.

Like, it's their moment they're about to go.

I would have leaned into it.

If he held on for another five minutes, I'd be like, oh, and they scooped out his eye and they fucked him in the eye socket like

I mean if he had five minutes left I wouldn't lead with that but

yeah you don't want to be sitting with that image

for too long it's nice isn't it don't you think this would be like I feel like that would be my if I was ever gonna be like a charity worker or in like palliative care I feel like that's what I'd like to do I would happily if you had like a grandma or a grandpa who was about to like die or something I would happily research them you could send me an email like their main topics what they'd be into and then I'd just go and stand by their bed and just about to die say whatever it is that would make them most happy at their final fuck that would be I think that would be a really nice satisfying job

you'd be like hey Andy I know you're about to die but John said he's coming back to the podcast

is it the only thing you want to hear when you're about to die you're not going to die

Actually, that's what you do for most of them.

You're just like, oh no, they found a cure for what?

Yeah, oh, he's dead.

So like,

yeah.

A friend of mine was telling me yesterday about like

when her grandmother was on her deathbed and her mother

is very, very English and had said...

had said like, oh,

she asked, oh, am I dying?

And she said, well, what did you tell tell her?

She said, oh, no, I didn't.

I said, no.

She said, because she was dying.

She said, why?

Oh, it would kill her.

Makes sense.

I mean, what would you like to be told as

your parting lie?

I mean,

yeah, okay, well, I guess the lie that would most reassure me as I was about to die is the world's going to be fine, Will.

Right.

I'm trying to be realistic.

Yeah, no, I've gone too big on that.

It's fine.

There's still plenty left.

The best is still ahead of us, Will.

That's what I would like to hear.

I'd like to hear that the future of Tess cricket is safe.

That's what I would like.

Or that bacon is actually kosher.

It was all a misprinandi.

You're getting 5,000 years knocked off your eternity in hell.

Zoe, anything you particularly like to hear before you peg out?

No, just you're not going to die.

Yeah.

Tom?

The Celtic have won the Champions League, but to be honest, that's.

That is even more outlandish than anything Will have suggested.

Right, your questions now.

We're going to do a QA.

We have a few sent in by Twitter.

This came in from Murkin Muffley.

Bingo.

If you could undo Brexit and kick Trump, Putin, and King Jong-un out of power, but it meant that all cricket would cease forever, would you do it?

Absolutely not.

The world has to have hope.

And I mean, sorting that out is just a temporary, temporary.

I mean, we've seen that with Australia.

You thought you got rid of Tony Abbott.

He's going to have been kind of charging back into reality.

Thank God.

Firstly, to solve all that stuff, I'd be willing to give them one day cricket.

Right.

We've got 2020, we've got test match.

match, we'll give him one-day cricket.

Nobody really cares that much apart from World Cups now, but

Abbott's not coming back.

He wants to come back, but he's not coming.

There's no way that he's coming back.

But there are so many more onions that need to be eaten.

Well, this is the thing about the onion.

Like, people think, oh, he ate a whole onion, but the fact was, he ate it with the skin on.

He ate two, that's right, but with the skin on.

The skin on is the bit that you've got to remember.

I was like, I want to see how he eats fantails.

Like, does he, like, eat the whole thing and shit out the trivia?

Is that the Abbott way?

You're going to have to give us some footnotes on that.

Fantails.

In Australia, we have a caramel.

It's like a hard caramel, and it's covered with chocolate.

And it's like, and you got them at the movies, and they would have movie trivia on them.

They were called fan tails.

So they would have little bits of chocolate.

Oh, I'm assuming this is one of your indigenous mammals or something.

It has a fan and a tail.

It's awesome.

And it's

a trivia.

And it lives in the middle of the

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, wasn't it?

That to eat an unpeeled raw onion once might be considered unfortunate.

To do so twice, you are a certifiable fucking lunatic.

I have a question, Ryan.

You've got a question?

So this may be a personal question, Andy, but I'm wondering, now that there are two competitors in the world for most prominent and effective bullshit artists in the world, do you have to share the trophy or is there one for good and one for evil?

Good bullshit and evil bullshit.

When that is a battle that has been going on since the very dawn of time

as the Bible would no doubt testify.

It's been going on since you know for thirteen billion strokes six thousand years.

So

I see it as an aficionado and devotee of bullshit.

I think what we need is not to end fake news, we just need to fight it with even faker news that is a bit more positive about the prospects for humanity.

That's my answer.

Treat humanity like they're on their deathbed.

Exactly!

And that's not hard to imagine.

So,

just tell us what we want to hear until we die.

Go on.

That's right.

Another question over here, sorry.

Yep.

Yeah, geez.

I love that not only did that person want to ask a question, but also wanted to wrap up that real

quick.

We had a five o'clock show to go to, so

it wasn't going anywhere, Canada.

Be indulgent.

Andy, I'd just like to get your opinion on Anzac Day Public Holiday coming up on Tuesday.

Yep.

Essentially, a holiday celebrating Australia's first involvement in war where we were sent to the machine guns by the British.

Oops.

So, firstly, we'd like to say thank you for the day off.

On behalf of Winston, you are welcome.

We'll have one more question.

We'll pick up one that was that was sent in.

This is from At Archivist.

Could you beat Donald Trump in a duel?

Will,

have you ever had a duel to the death?

I mean, are you.

Well, if I have, I've got a good record.

And I always tell them just what they want to hear before they die, which is, I've never done this before.

Killed Killed six people, but anyway, that's how I keep at the top, Ed.

So, if you had a duel with Trump, what would be your chosen tactics?

Running away, just run.

I mean, because he would clearly cheat.

Trump.

Yeah.

He would, I mean, he would machine gun you a day before the scheduled start of a duel, I think.

Yeah, that's why I'm running.

Okay, good tactics.

What about you, Andy?

If you were going to duel Donald Trump.

Well, I would dress as Donald Trump

and attempt to confuse him

to maybe show him what he's become

by acting like a mirror and getting him to do the Australian citizenship.

Exactly, there we go.

There's a lot of lovely callbacks coming into this, by the way.

So, just a couple more things to get through.

I mentioned your incredible local wildlife here in Australia.

Famous for many of the animals found nowhere else in the world, many of the famous mammals.

I could have seen loads of them in Melbourne Zoo the other day when my family went, but I'm afraid of wild dogs, so I didn't go.

Yep,

I almost saw a cracking marsupial up close, but unfortunately it was the other side of a large tall collection of apiaries, a real wallabies.

The author William Burroughs, or as he liked to be known, Bill B,

he used to go out looking for animals in the outback.

Do you know that?

That's a fact.

He took tinned food with him, but in the intense sunshine, the tin often expanded and exploded.

Yes, the kangaroo.

Personally, though, I'm always well prepared when I go bush.

I take this special device that's like a cross between a regular cooker and a Chinese frying pan.

It's called a kwoka.

But

this mate of mine, I went out looking for wildlife with him once.

He works in politics.

He used to pass the time as we waited before we could see an animal, adding up the cost of high-grade balsamic vinegar, having a coat of arms designed for his family, and expensive waistcoats.

Well, I said to him, those are some posh sums.

But he ended up

trying to strike a deal with Malcolm Turnbull that to minimise the impact of politics, all cabinet members should spend all day snoozing up a tree.

It would have been a

coalition government.

He liked cricket as well, but he always liked to heat up his equipment before doing it.

He always used a warm bat.

Benius Senti, the former head of FIFA, he likes to go on wildlife spotting journeys as well.

But he has to travel around these days on his own in a special coach constructed by former animated birds Daffy and Donald.

He goes everywhere in his duck-built blatter bus.

There we go, that's the logical end of civilization.

So that is the end of this second live bugle in the history of the universe.

universe.

It's been a great pleasure doing these couple of shows here in Melbourne.

Please show your appreciation first for producer Tom twiddling the knobs,

waving the microphones.

Great to have him back.

So the wonderful Zoe Coomsmar and Will Anderson.

I've been Anders Oltsman.

Goodbye.

Well, there you go.

And wasn't it lucky that we had a ready-to-go already recorded episode in the cam this week?

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Because trying to record a new episode would surely have been impossible.

So soon after the world was rocked to its quivering core by the news that Prince Philip, the longest-serving queenial spouse in British monarchistical history, is set to quit public displays of monarch spousing.

Rumour has it that Philip, the 96-year-old long-time squeeze of Her Majesty the Queen, could be set to join Led Zeppelin as a Marimba player or pursue his lifelong dream of working as a bingo caller.

In the meantime, Britain will soldier on with tears in its eyes, with Prince Philip's place at public engagements taken by the Queen's new boyf the four-time Wimbledon semi-finalist Tim Henman.

I'll be back with a fresh, regular bugle next week with Anu Vab Powell and every single relevant global event will be forensically bullshitted back to rights.

Do send in your emails to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

Until then, buglers, goodbye.

I love a podcast audience because it's a bunch of people who normally do this thing by themselves, weirded out by being the other people.

By which we mean, thanks for coming, everyone.

Great to see you all.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.