Bugle 4026 – LIVE IN AUSTRALIA!

Hello, buglers, and welcome to Bugle issue 4026.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, sitting in a hotel room in Wellington, New Zealand.

I'm about to finish my bit of the southern hemisphere tour, and thanks to all buglers who've come to my shows in Melbourne, Sydney, and New Zealand.

I will love each and every one of you until my dying day.

Actually, that's a bit much.

It was nice that you came, you really helped soften the acoustic.

Actually, that's not enough.

Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it, and I do hope you enjoyed the shows.

This is not a regular bugle episode, but neither is it a sub-episode.

It's a good, healthy, 38-minute chunk of prime cuts from the first ever Bugle live show, recorded at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival on Sunday, the 16th of April, with guests Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser.

So I think it deserves to be numbered as a full episode.

If you really want to get librarianically catalogic about it, I guess you could call it Bugle 4026 brackets BL001.

That's up to you, and it does assume that there will be fewer than a thousand live bugle shows ever.

If you really want to argue about it, why not come along and colour me in the interval or aftermath of one of my extremely imminent UK tour shows that I haven't plugged very much and could really do with an audience at.

Starting in Crawley at the Hall Theatre this coming Friday the 5th of May, a jet lag special in which my body clock is going to be blowing the roof off 11 hours in advance of my actual jokes doing exactly the same thing.

The Plan Z tour then continues on Saturday the 6th at the Warwick Art Centre, Wednesday the 10th at the Exeter Phoenix, Friday the 12th at the Birmingham Glee, the 14th, 15th and 16th at the Stand Comedy Clubs in Edinburgh, Glasgow and Newcastle respectively, the 17th at the Little Theatre in Chorley, the 19th at the Cambridge Junction, the 20th at the Oxford Old Fire Station and the 26th of May at Reading South Street.

I'm also back at the Udderbelly in London this summer.

On the 18th of May and the 20th of June I'm doing satirist for hire so do get your emails coming in to satirise this at satiristforhire.com.

I'll also be doing Satirist for Hire in Edinburgh at the festival again.

And there is the Bugle Live show at the Udderbelly on the 13th of July featuring me, Nish Kumar and Helen Zaltzmann.

I also hope next week to be able to announce some election special shows at the Soho Theatre, so do listen out or look out for details of those.

Anyway, enough about gigs you've presumably all already booked all the tickets for.

Please book tickets.

It's time to get going with the Bugle Live.

It was recorded in a time before Theresa May had called a general election, before Donald Trump had aimed a giant cannon at a polar bear and shot it at point blank range, or whatever he did, before anything that has happened in the two and a bit weeks since then.

I should also explain that the live show featured a short video from Chris, who challenged the audience to a game of Bugle Bingo.

We even printed up some bugle bingo cards for a few lucky audience members.

You too can play at home.

Here are the things Chris told everyone to look out for.

Some actual politics, scooter Malvain references, any reference to Johnny Shobiz,

an actual fact, this is a tough one, puns, a made-up US sports team, probably from Chicago, cricket references, a euphemism for a penis or sex and of course a hossie from history.

Yes, I think that game should work with just about any bugle episode.

Also, I decided not to bleep out the naughty words from the live show because, well, it was a live show.

We're all grown-ups around here, apart from my children who are at the live show and now have a slightly expanded vocabulary as a result.

There is some slightly fruity and/or vegetably language.

Right, let's crack on now with the inaugural Bugle Live.

I didn't really know quite what I was doing, but it was a fun show, and I hope you enjoy listening to it.

I'll hand you over now to me, or at least the me that existed a couple of weeks ago in Melbourne.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first ever edition of the Bugle Live.

13 billion years in the making, and in an unprecedented three dimensions, that is three more than usual for this show.

The first ever visual version of an audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please welcome to the stage the laughter crafter who gives birth to mirth, then suckles, chuckles at the tit of wit.

The man they call modus

randy zalzman

hello buglers

that's that is the first time i've uh ever had any response to those words at the 4025th time of asking so um so thank you very much for coming uh this uh this is the first time uh

we've done a bugle uh live um do you all uh have you all listened to the actual podcast before?

Yes?

Has anyone here not listened to the podcast?

What are you doing here?

Some of the jokes might not hit home for you.

But anyway, it's an absolute delight to be here.

Thank you for Melbourne for hosting it.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, as you probably know, the voice of a generation.

Unfortunately, it's the voice of a generation that lived in 5,000 BC.

I am for just two shows only here in Melbourne, no longer just a disembodied voice.

What a body I've chosen.

And this is almost ten years, this show, in the making, since the launch of the Bugle.

Since the Bugle was born, of course, out of the wreckage of a war-torn Europe.

I mean, it took 192 years.

It was initially planned in the aftermath of the Battle of Waterloo, but there was a few contractual issues.

And finally, now, for the first time, I'm performing the show not in a windowless room, unaware of whether or not, in the outside world, Armageddon has happened.

And ironically, I'm doing that at the time when Armageddon is most likely to happen

since I've started doing the show.

So, this is the visual version.

For those who are listening to this on the recorded version, essentially, if you can imagine what you're missing, this is essentially what a normal bugle would look like, but just add in about 250 people looking slightly skeptical

at having paid to watch something that defines itself as a non-visual experience.

But nevertheless, this is probably the most historic moment, I would say, in the history of human communication since Tim Berners-Lee said to himself, My carrier pigeons keep getting distracted and delayed by the understandable thrill of being able to shit on people's car windows, then hanging around to see the looks on their faces, delaying them from taking my crucial communications information, photographs of cats looking funny with a caption of something you wouldn't expect a cat to think, and hardcore pornography to my friends and business colleagues, there must be a better way.

So

maybe even the most landmark watershed in.

Can you have a landmark watershed?

You can now.

In human entertainment, since Shakespeare's manager took one look at draft one of Romeo and Juliet and said, Bill, put some hot love interest and some big fat deaths, and you've got yourself a hit.

So, Mr.

Fantoni, you're saying that I can't just do a gentle character piece about an elderly couple running a knitting club?

Yes, William, I am saying that.

Do I have to change the title as well?

Yes, you do.

No one will pay to watch something called Enid and Brian's Wonderland of Wool.

So,

who was the woman who hadn't ever heard the show before?

And this is basically it.

What you've missed out on.

So, as always, a section of the bugle is going.

That's the closest.

That's the closest I've ever felt to being a rock star in my comedy career.

Ben rapidly

rapidly

Rapidly undermined by them cackling like an idiot

Rather than thinking as a rock star think yes, this is what I was born to do so

Section

after the death of the world's oldest person 117 year old Italian Emma Romano who was the last person born in the 1800s still alive until she switched to being the most recent person born in the 19th century to have become dead.

And that record is going to be be pretty tough to beat.

She attributed her longevity to eating three eggs a day, two raw, one cooked.

I guess that's why Buddy Holly died so young.

Didn't eat his three eggs a day.

All comes out of that.

And we have in the bin a special longevity health supplements in the bin, including living in a massive shell.

If it works for turtles, why shouldn't we give it a go?

Eating a shark testicle every week can make you 3.5% more toned and 2% less likely to to die of bubonic plague.

But we ask, is it really worth the risk?

Living to 150?

What to do to keep alert when the novelty of staring blankly at the ceiling has worn off?

And twerking, does it help or harm arthritic hips?

And we look at also health scares in the bin, specifically we look at the ingredients of the Melbourne delicacy, the Dim Sim.

Are you Dim Sim fans?

So the latest science has finally discovered what the Dim Sim is made of.

They've analysed it over many years in a laboratory.

Turns out it's made of non-animal specific meat, alleged vegetables, unrefined crude oil, waste sludge from a steel melting plant, roadkill, gravel, unidentified stuff scraped off armchairs in nursing homes, obsolete exhibits from unsolved crime scenes.

pink baby clothes ground to a fine dust, pulped worm lungs and the concept of despair.

But

health scares coming out all the time about processed meats, just I mean on a science website here, bacon, the new cyanide, question mark.

Eating a ham sandwich is like running headfirst into a train, claims scientists.

And this is quite a moving story, how my 60s sausage a day habit left me on a ventilator with two amputated limbs and a cough that could wake the dead.

Taxation goes up whenever there's a health scare and it was again more like cigarettes.

People start rolling their own.

And I mean that's one thing for a Rizza and some tobacco, not a big deal, but someone at a bus stop rolling a sheath of pig's gut with some mashed up entrails, testicles, and connective tissue before tucking it behind their ear is one for later.

That is a different name.

Right, and it's time now to meet your guests for the inaugural Bugle Live.

Are you ready to meet the guests?

Excellent.

First up,

in it's the icy Scottish blast from the long-dead Bugle Times Online past.

The producer to end all ex-producers.

It is Mr.

Tom Wright.

There you are.

Welcome.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Tom.

Well, Tom, I mean, hasn't actually worked for the Bugle for, what, six years now?

Since you fired me, yeah.

Since I fired.

What do you mean, you fled the right hemisphere?

And then try to kill me.

Well, I mean, yes, I mean, that is true.

But, you know, you're looking relatively well for someone who was brutally assassinated about 150 episodes ago.

Yes.

You failed to bring any kit whatsoever, just a pair of headphones to make it look like you're doing some shit.

Yes.

Right.

Let me just put the one thing you did give me after my three years of service.

Explanatory footnote.

At this point, Tom puts on a bugle cap.

Tom has a big head.

A big Scottish head.

Yeah.

You still owe me 10 quid for that.

Yeah.

It's obsolete and it doesn't actually fit.

It's obsolete.

Who's the other loser on it?

Now I'm.

So,

secondly, first up,

the gnarled battle-scarred veteran of one previous Bugle, a multi-award-nominated comedian, careful of that, generally when Bugle co-hosts started getting awards, I'd ditch them, and uh

a man who once spent a year undercover as a kangaroo to see if they use their pouches for shoplifting cigarettes and whiskey miniatures from supermarkets.

That may or may not be a fact.

Uh and a man who used to be as much as part of Australia's breakfasts as Vegemites and a slightly nagging sense of historic guilt.

It is

it is

alright, we have to.

It is Mr.

Tom Ballard.

Hello, Andy.

Hi, everyone.

Thank you, Andy, and go fuck yourself.

How about that?

Hi, everyone.

What a pleasure to be here.

I have that music made specially for you.

That was awful.

Do you want to hear it again?

Yeah, please.

I just think it exemplifies everything about your comedy.

This is classic ballad.

And the final first up, returning from her bugle debut, released just two days ago in the quickest back-to-back first two bugle appearances in the history of the universe.

It's the as-yet uncredited inventor of the rimless sombrero.

The woman who could so easily have been the first man in space had she been born in the Soviet Union in the 1930s as a man.

It's Alice Fraser!

When we were backstage and you were saying, I've got theme music for you to come on to, and then you just, your eyes just gleamed like an evil clown.

Now I know why.

I'm a 42-year-old father of two.

When I was,

well, about three years ago now, when my daughter was seven years old, she turned to me at the breakfast table and said, Daddy, I think I'm getting too old for your jokes now.

Right, it's time for the top story.

Let's have someone from the audience do it.

Tom, you're an audience, Mike Judy, as well.

Make yourself fucking useful.

No,

there's a radio.

You're the one who asked me here.

Right, just get someone to shout top story this week

in a John Oliver voice

down the front.

Here we go.

Top story.

Total Armageddon.

Are you generally enjoying the looming threats of the end of the world?

Tom, Alice, what's your favourite bit of impending Armageddon at the moment?

What have you particularly enjoyed?

Pros of Armageddon.

I mean, if the end does come, there will be no more Andy's ultimate puns.

Mate, you're in my house, Tom.

You're not shitting my breakfast.

Sorry, Andy.

I'm looking forward to the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

Everyone loves a pony.

That'll be nice.

We won't have to worry about climate change anymore or the monarchy or having to get a new iPhone.

Do you always group those three together?

Yeah, they're the big three for me.

Okay.

So, I mean, which do you prioritise out of those?

I mean, in your life?

I mean,

when you're thinking, should I get a new iPhone or should I overthrow the monarchy?

How do you weigh up?

Well, which one do I have to queue for?

Which one's going to be longer?

I think Armageddon's a great excuse if someone that you really don't like says we need to catch up and you say, oh, no, I'm again all next week.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to be burning in that fiery, righteous fire.

Fiery fire.

Fuck, I'm hungover.

Sorry.

What do you got?

I'm sort of anti-the Armageddon generally, but if it happens in the next five years, I'm kind of pro because I've got like basic carpentry skills and child-bearing hips, but that's not going to last, you know, as my dad continually reminds me.

I've got only a few years to make use of them.

Yeah, I'll be fine in the post-apocalyptic world because what the world will always need is cricket statistics and bad puns.

Rock solid

life prospects for when the shit goes down.

Personally, don't mind this point.

If we do have Armageddon, on the plus side, it will stop Recip Erdogan's shameless power grab in Turkey.

I mean, it may be a slightly too heavy price to pay for that.

And on the minus side, we won't get to see how the new major league animal impersonation season pans out for the big hotly tip teams this year: the Miami Bark,

the Sacramento Gobblers, or even the Chicago Chirp Churps.

There we go!

Cross it up on the bigo cards, everybody.

There it is.

So North Korea obviously very much leading the way.

Any North Korea fans in?

What do you like about it?

Tom, microphone.

Alright, hang on.

Yeah, this will be good.

So genuine North Korea fan or just someone who does not want to get assassinated at an airport.

Basic self-hair style.

His hairstyle.

And Dennis Rodman.

You can't go wrong with Dennis Rodman.

You know he's not North Korean, right?

I know he blends in seamlessly in that country.

As I would, I think.

You know.

I don't know, Eddie.

North Korea, I don't even know her.

Thanks, everyone.

Good on.

I'm done.

That's all I've written down here.

Are you concerned that such a delicate situation we have Donald Trump in the White House?

Because, I mean, the way it's international politics, it's kind of

delicate acupuncture, essentially.

And Trump is going about that acupuncture not so much with a precision application of needles honed by years of training and skill, but by hurling a shit-tip javelin at point-blank range into the eyeballs of the world

and then saying that has to be near a chakra point.

That to me is not reassuring.

I mean, Trump's been on spectacular form.

Oh, he's absolutely showing his fox-like cunning, if by fox-like you mean doesn't know geography.

Yeah, I mean, fox geography is pretty limited, isn't it?

Basically, it splits the world into bins and non-bins.

I mean, if you replace bins with Muslims, that's kind of how he's

running his game.

North Korea attempted a missile launch near Sinpo on its east coast, but the Westbin blew up almost immediately, apparently.

It's basically the equivalent of you thinking that you can fight because you've watched a lot of kung fu movies and then you try and then you just kick yourself and fall over and just pretend that was what you meant to do all along.

I think nuclear brinksmanship was terrifying when it was being done by sinister and powerful leaders, and now it's a fight between two men with body image issues and the desperate urge for validation of 13-year-old girls.

So it's like both terrifying and a bit funny.

Like someone's put googly eyes on a Velociraptor that's just learned how to open doors.

They're learning.

US officials have said the Obama policy of strategic patience with North Korea has ended, so now they're moving towards strategic impatience, which just involves Trump yelling at North Korea, hurry up, you bowl cut sporting fucks, I'm dying in the polls over here.

TikTok, let's go.

I think it should work out well.

I'm super worried about this kind of positive feedback that Trump is getting for his dropping of bombs, dropping the mother-of-all bombs in Afghanistan.

Like, this is some bad positive feedback to be giving to the dude.

Like, you've got to be careful of what you're giving.

This is like somebody walking in on a teenage boy in a fully articulated giraffe costume.

Like, you are setting down some precedents that you can't follow through on.

No,

I've got another one.

That did sound like you were dredging up something from your long-distant past, right?

I know, it's like your toddlers doing like nappy-based finger painting on the walls of your mother-in-law's hallway, and you've just gone, You're a good boy, then.

Like, that's what's happening.

That's more like that one, yeah.

I've got more

First rule of the bugle: never let something go until you have flogged it to death.

Why the show's still going?

That's what they said about Jesus.

Happy!

Guilty!

Guilty!

Bang to rights.

I know you were taken by the Festival of the Sun parade, Andy.

Yes.

The annual North Korean parade

commemorating the birth of Kim Jong-il's granddad.

Sure.

Fact, Tom.

Kim Il-sung, yeah.

Kim Il-sung, thank you very much.

Hence,

Day of the Stars.

That was your fact, everyone.

Right, that's the one fact.

Tick it off.

You're not going to get it.

Tick it on.

I found this year's parade just a little bit derivative of my liking.

I prefer my military parades to have a little bit more originality, invention, and flair.

And really, the thousands of people marching with stupid straight legs has quite literally been done to death.

And

also,

it's not a massively useful everyday skill for me, that the social opportunities for when you need to walk alongside someone and then suddenly start marching with bolt straight legs, it's at best going to cause an awkward conversation.

Basically, this parade was like the world's least fun-loving flash mob.

And got some pretty bad reviews on the internet, disappointing fans saying I was hoping for something a bit different from weapons being paraded around on tanks, like some floats with trampolinists on or a steel band.

Is that too much to ask for?

I preferred Series 7 of 24, and that is saying something.

And another person said, Well, an English, very angry English person, if I want to watch people moving in inflexibly straight lines to no discernible purpose, I'll watch my videos of English football under Roy Hodgson's managership.

Boom!

Not the right hemisphere to do that joke in.

I think these moves would kill at Eurovision.

Sorry?

Like the moves would kill at Eurovision.

I reckon that's like Rocker Steadford gone mad.

I love it.

Right.

When is North Korea getting in Eurovision?

When is that going to happen?

Well, yeah, we had fucking Australia in it lost, didn't we?

We're close enough, in it.

I mean, I also don't know why they haven't realised yet that every day is the day of the sun.

That's kind of how we organise, whether it's a day or not.

That's how impoverished the North Korean people are.

One sun, once a year.

It was like fascist Mardi Gras, really, wasn't it?

It's just like, yeah, you're right.

There was no joy joy de vivre, there's no genesse qua.

It's like, yeah, you want to kill Western liberal democracies.

Would it hurt you to smile?

Two words, North Korea, tits and teeth, all right?

I wish you'd stop quoting Donald Trump words for that.

Not comfortable with it.

On the subject of the mother of all bombs, which, I mean, if that is the mother of all bombs that was dropped on Afghanistan, I think one of the largest non-nuclear devices, that might explain, if that's the mother of all bombs, it might explain why most bombs have such deep psychological scarring.

If that's their mother, that you want to get them on the couch and talk it through, because those are going to be some difficult issues to work through.

And who heard the extraordinary chocolate cake speech?

Yes.

So, in which not only did Trump, I mean, I'm not comfortable in having the leader of the free world who was so easily distracted by sugary snacks.

I think we should probably go through this just to try and work out exactly what Trump was talking about, phrase by phrase.

So here it is.

He began by saying this.

I was sitting at the table, we had finished dinner, we're now having dessert.

Right, so I mean, this is really detail that we did not necessarily need to know about Trump's conversation with President Xi of China.

Finished dinner, now on to dessert.

But he goes on.

And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen.

Do not tell me what chocolate cakes I have and haven't seen, Mr.

Trump.

I have seen a chocolate cake shaped like a cricket bat.

It cannot have been more beautiful than that.

I love how this is the final straw for you with Trump.

Yeah, lines have been crossed in his own words.

And lines of colours.

I don't understand, man.

It was his cheat day.

He went on.

And...

That is a long and.

I mean, that's...

That is a man who's either struggling to remember what happened or trying to make up a lie about what didn't happen.

He went on.

President Xi was enjoying it.

President Xi was enjoying it.

I mean, that's the absolute key.

If China and America can find unity through an absolutely delicious, oh, that's airdrops of chocolate cakes over the Middle East.

Why have they never tried that?

I'm on Trump's side here, Andy.

Come on.

You've never eaten a piece of cake that was so beautiful it made you forget which country you're bombing right now?

Come on.

Because he said what he said, he said he was going to bomb Iraq.

Oh, we're going to hear it.

We'll get to this.

Here it comes.

Here it is.

This is doing dessert.

Yeah, this is clarifying.

This is dessert.

Okay.

Chocolate cake is not a starter.

This is not

Trump going rogue with a sweet hors d'oeuvre to try and break down President G's defences.

This is dessert.

The attention to detail is like somebody telling you about that when they met their ex and told them like Orlando Bloom had hit on them and just like describing all the details,

rubbing their nose in it.

It's too real.

Is that another personal story?

No.

Got no exes, just dead bodies.

I don't like breaking up with people.

Here's the big mistake coming up.

What happens is I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq.

Heading to Iraq.

Now, at this point, you would have thought President G just flipped the table over like that and said, what the fuck are you doing in this job?

Do you think that as Trump was saying that about the cake, he had like just little bits around his lips?

Well.

And then he finished.

Well, you headed to Syria.

Yes,

Syria.

Basically, he might as well have just said, yeah, well, it was somewhere in Muslimistan.

That's the important thing.

That's just the general Muslimistan area, is what we're going for.

The details will sort themselves out.

Right, any questions so far?

Yeah, I've got one.

When's John getting here?

John.

To be fair, that's why I'm here.

Strike it off, everyone, on the bingo card.

There you go.

Johnny Shobiz.

Johnny Shobiz.

Thirsty prime time.

There he is.

Are you missing John?

Good.

Right, I'll pass that on.

I'll tell you what we need now.

Which means we're moving on to another story.

So, Australia, we've had some phenomenal action in Australia of late.

Alice?

Yes, we have.

We've had this Easter egg mayhem on the Gold Coast, which is where they dumped some Easter eggs out of a helicopter onto a stadium full of children who then promptly attempted to kill themselves and each other.

But no one's telling which of the kids were anti-fascists, so we're not sure how to feel.

I mean, the important thing to remember is the real meaning of Easter, which is to train children for the brutal kill or be killed world.

We're about to leave them.

I think it's good.

This generation is getting too many messages that they're special precious flowers.

Nothing teaches you that you're below average, like an elbow to the nose from the parent of your school bully.

This was insane.

This was a helicopter, right, dropping 30,000 chocolate eggs onto a school oval.

15,000 people turned up to the event and as soon as the drop came they just fucking flooded in and started elbowing.

Pregnant women and children were knocked over in the course of scrambling for the eggs.

Jesus was quoted as saying, yes, this is exactly what I had in mind.

You have nailed my message, humans.

I mean, do the children know you can just buy chocolate eggs in the supermarket from like three days after Christmas and you don't have to slit the throat of your enemy in a fight to the death so you can smash some sickly sweet Cadburies into your first world child face.

There was footage, people were filming the whole thing, and you could hear the children screaming things like, stop pushing, I need to get out.

Why did they drop them all in one place?

And from one particularly well-informed nine-year-old, Mummy, why is the Easter bunny acting like Bashar al-Assad?

But in the spirit of the season, everyone who was knocked down did rise again three days later, so that was good.

One parent was quoted as saying.

Fake news.

Fake news, people.

One parent was quoted as saying, I think every kid went home disappointed.

This was the worst event I've ever been to, which is a real kick of the teeth to the crucifixion, I think.

But it was organized by a church.

Like a church organized this.

So they have all this money.

Should we give it to the poor in the spirit of the season?

No, no.

Let's get a fucking helicopter and napalm chocolate on children.

That's insane.

People got really hurt.

Would you have got there?

Would you be taking your kids there, Andy, get involved in the chocolate drop?

Well,

as a lapsed Jew with infidel children

who are in tonight, hello infidels.

Well, I mean, chocolate eggs, theologically justified, of course, the chocolate egg.

Dates back to the very first Easter, the gospel according to Saint Alvin.

Jesus, you know, up there on the cross, getting a bit cranky with his dad.

Yak, yo, yak, bit of a barny.

And he thinks to himself I'm Jesus fucking Christ I don't have to fucking take this I'm gonna miracle my way out of it but because of the heat and the exhaustion the dehydration he wasn't quite on top of his game so instead of miracling himself a jetpack and a massive set of wings he accidentally miracled his testicles into chocolate eggs and

that's

that's why we eat Easter eggs to this day

I think fact on the bingo you can cross that one up everyone facts are there

there was another phenomenal story which I believe might represent not just the high point of Australia as a nation, but maybe the high point of entire human civilization.

A man has

sued, was it some kind of park or something?

He ran into a wall.

This was in an art gallery.

Oh, an art gallery.

Whilst indulging in a race against a virtual Cathy Freeman.

Yeah, he's suing the art gallery for not padding the wall.

He's also suing the Roadrunner movies for teaching him to believe that running into a wall full speed was, if anything, a temporary inconvenience.

And he's suing imaginary Kathy Freeman for luring him into the race.

It's science works, isn't it?

Yeah, science works, which is kind of an amazing place.

You should take your kids, actually.

It's like, yeah, you can find out about the magic of science works.

Why doesn't it run into a wall?

Science does not work.

I think humanity should have learned that by now.

You made Jesus and science?

Jesus.

I believe that the virtual Kathy Freeman is suing ScienceWorks for forcing her to race against a cunt.

Something for everyone.

Sorry.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Sorry.

I've just got to.

Brilliant.

One thing you cannot be faulted on, Zol spend your timing.

Should I tell you my nonsense about domestic violence and Islam?

Why not, Tom?

I was just thinking, yeah, we're about 20.

We're about 40, was it?

42 minutes into the show.

It's domestic violence and Islam.

First rule of comedy.

You start with the strongest, your second strongest joke, finish with the strongest joke, and after 42 minutes, you do stuff about domestic violence.

Sounds good to me.

Well, this week, the Australian Media was in outrage.

A Facebook video showing members of an extreme Islamic group

seemed to be excusing domestic violence under Islamic law.

It was a video that features members of the Australian women's branch of Hizabud Tariya.

Fizibud Tariya, I don't even know her.

I stand by that.

The woman in the video claimed that Islam condones a symbolic version of domestic violence in which a man may hit his wife with a small stick or twisted scarf so as not to cause her pain.

Turns out someone swapped their Quran for 50 shades of grey, I believe.

Members of the government condemn the video in the strongest of terms, calling it abhorrent.

Minister for Women Michael E.

Cash said that in Australia there is no place for violence against women.

Okay, that sort of thing happens in offshore detention centers.

Men should never hit women except in the designated areas.

Oh, not laughing because it's true.

Okay.

Hizabov Tarih have since rejected any notion they

endorse domestic violence, describing it as an abomination that Islam rejects in the strongest of terms.

That of course all these people are saying that it should be condemned by moderate Muslims.

As you know, there are three types of Muslims, moderate, medium, and spicy.

And

of course, lots of people in the Muslim community did condemn the video, but we just like them to do it like slower and sexier for us and like put on a little sexy costume.

Condemn it harder, daddy.

And

That was an old Dolly Parton song.

Truth is, white Australians have been releasing videos claiming that women are inferior to men for years on almost a weekly basis.

It's called The Footy Show.

And

you gotta tune in.

Of course, not all Muslims are perfect.

One of them was in One Direction.

And

I mean.

That was the first One Direction joke in the history of the bugle.

So there we are.

Tomb.

That's what happens when you book someone who's under the age of 30.

It'll never happen again, I apologise.

I'll do more Dolly Park here.

Yes.

Remember the demographic.

I want ageing country music fans.

That's where the money is.

Right, something?

Oh, hang on.

Just a bit of breaking news, Etsy on from Australia.

After the Senate blocked the government's proposal to weaken Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act, a compromise has been proposed under which a new form of discrimination will be phased into Australian life and conversation over the next five years.

18C redux will allow discrimination based on people's shoe size or preferred salad dressing.

Initially, sizes 4, 7 and 12, and 12 will be the victims, and French vinaigrette fans are going to, quote, get it big time.

So it's interesting for me coming to Australia because let's think about the history of this place.

Do you know that the hot cheese sandwich was invented right here in this city?

Huge in the USA now, of course, and known as the toasty in the UK.

It was invented here.

The Governor-General, way back in the 19th century, came to see how things were going building this new city, and they made him some tuna and cheese sandwiches.

But it was such a hot day, he got distracted, and he got distracted chasing a platypus down the banks of the Yarra, shouting, what the fuck is that?

And by the time he had his lunch, his cheese had got all hot and runny.

What the fuck's that happened to my lunch?

He said.

And they had to pretend it was supposed to be like that.

It's a local delicacy, Mr.

Governor-General.

And thus was the tuna Meltbourne.

Meltbourne.

Oh, no.

No, do not encourage him.

Stop it!

Let's have a minute's silence to think about what just happened.

Well, it's interesting reading about all the early explorers.

The guys in Spain.

Oh, fucking Scottmore.

I'm out of here.

Shut up, he's got more.

The people who established the great cities of Australia, the state capitals.

I I mean, the guy who set up was now the capital of New South Wales as a penal colony in 1788, of course, Captain Arthur Phillip.

Here's a fact.

He had no arse.

He'd had both bottocks shut off in the Seven Years' War in around about 1758, one in the Battle of Menorca, one in the Battle of Havana.

So he found it hard to use chairs.

He found a way where he tucked his right leg under himself and rested his weight on the joint, which he called his sittany.

His sittany.

His sittany.

And then.

Tell me when it's over, please.

Good night, everybody.

My show's at six o'clock.

I'll see you again.

Good night.

You can't see the screen, but he's got it like underlined and in italics.

He's so proud of himself.

That is just basic pun logistics, Alice.

You fucking know it.

Tom, Alice, do you want some of my newspaper while this goes on?

Jesus.

How many capital cities are there in the country again?

Don't worry, luckily not that many.

Then, of course, after that, he went to Tasmania, by which time he'd had a metal tool attached to his buttockless rear end that enabled him to till the soil whilst using his arms for important admin and town planning.

He became quite well known for his hobut.

And when, of course, people first settled in South Australia,

they were encountered by one of Australia's fearsome indigenous animals.

You are both fired.

The Blug of Maganor, which is like a giant fox but with bloodshot eyes, caused terror amongst their livestock.

Not surprised.

If I'd been a chicken, I'd have been terrified.

I'd have laid an egg.

Barely works.

No, no, that's not.

Yep.

But it just about does.

That's the key.

You've got to skirt that boundary.

We're out of here in five, by the way.

Queensland, of course, originally claimed by the Dutch, not the British, and they made a rule that no people from the United Kingdom were allowed in that city.

They imposed the full Brits ban.

Brits ban.

See, and being able to see the pun from here is like watching a plane slowly crash into the sky.

Like I can see the carnage coming.

And when you look at the number of views that plane crashers get on YouTube,

don't fight it, people.

Don't fight it.

It's just the way we're made.

When they were building the new capital back in the early 20th century, I have to finish this now.

I cannot bail out.

Have you realised that?

Canadian labourers built it.

You know that.

That's a fact.

Is it?

How can you tell?

You just can't tell these days.

Anyway, they got very homesick, so they had their favourite non-perishable food shipped over.

They would put everything in tins, those Canadians.

They would can beef,

fish, moose.

They would even can bear, a real delicacy.

Can beara.

And the northern territories,

this guy just shook his head.

He looked down and he went, look, there's only two left if we've been counting right.

The northern territory is even more extraordinary.

The British encountered a Russian who they thought was a spy when they were setting up up there, and they thought they better test him out, so they asked him about British history.

Sergei Pushkluskovich, they said, Do you know the result for the British Navy under Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar?

And the Russian man replied, duh, win.

Fuck you, Malcolm!

On behalf of the United Kingdom, I would like to apologise for that last five minutes.

You can all you should have thought of that before you fucking left the hemisphere.

That's what made me come down here.

My show!

A great grandmother of mine, of course,

famously had an unfortunate incident in the capital of Western Australia.

She tripped over a pile of surfboards, hit her mouth on a giant beer can, knocking out a couple of teeth.

And while she was lying unconscious, waiting for the paramedics to give her an emergency barbecue, the notorious thieving Australian marsupial, the kleptomania kidnapped,

nicked everything out of her pockets.

Oh, FODI, she said as she dabbed the blood from her face and picked the prickles out of her trousers.

I've lost my Perth.

Andy's ultimate, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, wait.

You would have thought Perth, surely that would have been a nice, quick, easy one, but since it was Perth, I thought it was only appropriate to take an exceedingly long time to get there.

At ease, puns out, people.

Right, what else have we got to talk about?

Let's check how much time we've got left after.

Oh, that took only nine minutes.

QA.

Sorry.

We've got the QA.

We've got the Eurovision Song.

Yeah, okay, let's talk.

It talks about.

Yeah, this is a great moment in democracy.

So, yeah, protests in Berkeley have broken down into violence with a bunch of pro-free free speech racist Nazis being attacked by violent anti-fascists in masks.

I feel like a random word-generating Twitter bot.

Like, all of the good words are being squished in with all of the bad words, like someone taking a delicious potato and mashing it up with some freshly trimmed butt pubes.

Oh, yum, anti-fascism

attacking unarmed civilians.

Ooh, yum, free speech.

Oh, Nazis.

Does anyone have some milk?

Alice, you've been on the bugle for a combined total of what, what, four days since we recorded on Wednesday?

And I think you've already said probably three of the five filthiest things ever said on this podcast.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yay!

I've got more.

I mean, on one hand, it's nice to see the restrictive frameworks of identity politics breaking down a little as we see some black masked hippies throwing smoke bombs and hitting peaceful white nationalists with helmets and skateboards.

I think hitting someone with a skateboard is so offensive to me because it's brutally weaponizing the 90s of my fondly remembered childhood.

The only way I'll be reconciled to that kind of violence is if they shout cowabunga while they do it.

Were there any other issues you wanted to talk about before we wrap this up?

I'm sure I'd written an ending, but it doesn't appear to be on this document.

And it's been an

absolute delight talking to you, talking at you, talking with you.

And please show your appreciation for, firstly, Tom the producer sitting there with a pointless pair of of headphones.

And thank you also to the wonderful Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser.

Until next time, Buglers, goodbye.

Take out

that.

The first ever Bugle live.

The planet will never be the same again.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world

but that's got nothing to do with the fact that there has now been a bugle live of course but still it's a fact i hope you enjoyed it there will hopefully be many more to come starting not hopefully but definitely in london this summer and at the edinburgh festival in august keep your audio eyes on this space for more details or check with your local bit of the internet there is plenty more of tom ballard and alice fraser auto available on the internet and they will also both be in edinburgh in august next week we'll have the second bugle live show featuring Will Anderson and Zoe Coombs Maher before returning to regular shows after that to chart the no doubt happy, melodious, good-natured, mature, civilised, and unremittingly truth-filled British election campaign, as well as stuff like anything else that happens in the world and plenty of stuff that doesn't.

Until then, Buglers, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.