Bugle 4025 – Theresa May or may not

The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4025 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World for the week beginning Monday the 24th of April 2017.

The third of our special southern hemispherical editions recorded live and then broadcast not live in the traditional manner here in Melbourne, the city with more food outlets than people, unrecognisable from what it was even 200 years ago before it was founded.

I am Andy Zaltzman, the man once described as one of the most influential artists of the early Renaissance.

Albeit that the person describing me as such got my name wrong and called me Donatello instead.

And I'm joined for the second time in Two Bugles.

And in fact, the third time in Two Bugles, if you count Sunday's live show last weekend that hasn't yet been broadcast.

Welcome back to Alice Fraser.

Hello, Andy.

How are you?

I'm very well, thanks.

Thanks for returning to

the podcast.

It's my favourite thing to do.

That is a big claim, Alice.

Yeah, well, I mean, I took you up for dessert the other night, so that's sort of my second favourite thing to do.

Yes, I took my children to lunch.

Eat your way around some basil seed soups.

Yeah, I mean, it was basically like eating live frogsbawn.

But, you know, if that's a dessert is a dessert, and I will, I I will, I took my kids there the following day, and

they were presented with what can only be described as a mountain of vaguely mango-tinted splurge.

And it blew their tiny minds, frankly.

And joining us today, making his bugle debut, host of the hit podcast, Burn Your Passport,

produced by

a better product, if I do say so myself.

Melbourne's very own Nazim Hussein.

Yay!

How's it going?

Very good.

This is my favorite thing to do right now.

Right, okay.

But just in this current second,

I live in the present.

Right, okay.

Well, I mean, even then, I'm not sure that's true, to be honest.

I'm literally doing nothing else.

And twiddling the knobs in the producer's booth once more.

You're not even in your own booth this week, you're sitting at the table.

Just off air, we were talking about how much we charged you for this studio.

Oh, yes, yeah.

Good point.

Listen to everything ABC produces on a daily basis.

Remember, it's the Bugle's very own Lazarus impersonator back from the virtual dead.

Tom, how was camping?

Next question, And

no comments.

So, Nazeem, as it's your debut, we should introduce you

to the

horrific bugle initiation.

Oh, I'll pull my pants down

based on my years in the British public school system.

You're the first bugle guest who has trudged through a sewer whilst covered in snakes.

Hey, don't talk about my suburb like that.

That's a shout out to Burwood in Victoria.

Yeah, I was on I'm a reality star, guys.

Right.

This is very much an unreality show.

So

no, I was on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, which is, you know,

comedians are lining up to do that show.

I know you guys understand you guys have a version in the UK.

We copied your version.

Yes.

I get kids stopping me in the street just like normally, like before this show, I used to do like niche comic, you know, like maybe the ABC, SBS, race-based political stuff.

People knew me as a Muslim guy.

So if people recognised me on the street, they'd come up and go, Hey, Muslim, go back to your country, polite stuff like that.

But now I had a kid say to me, Southbank, after I walked out of the ABC, comes up to me, looks me in the eyes and goes, Hey, Nazim, there.

Because he used to throw up on the show.

So I don't know what I prefer that or the Muslim thing, but ah, it was tough.

'Cause we we first met years ago in Edinburgh when you did my political animal show, which probably has slightly lower ratings as a live show in a room room with about 30 people in it.

35, I remember.

That's good for Edinburgh, man.

Isn't the average audience size at Edinburgh three people?

Two and a half thousand shows, three people's the average audience.

That's what people can say.

Right, well, that is two more than I had for my Edinburgh debut show.

Are you counting yourself?

Well, no, in fact, there were more performers in that, in my debut solo show, than there were genuine audience members.

I won ticket sale.

John Oliver was doing stuff in the show with me, and then there were a few people from the flyering team who were unsuccessfully promoting the show.

Well, that's the problem.

They're flyering in the show.

As we record, this is Bugle for the Week beginning Monday the 24th of April.

Birthdays all over the world.

As we record today, Friday the 21st.

It's my birthday.

Is it your birthday today?

It's my birthday today.

Right.

I was going to go with the Queen.

Well, it is also the Queen's birthday.

Right.

The Queen, 91 today.

I'll bet she beat you on that.

Yeah, just.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm catching up.

That's impressive to catch up.

So we have a special, one of our sections in the bin this week, looking back over the Queen's 91 years, the first 45.5% of her scheduled life.

Also, on Sunday, happy 40th birthday to some British comedian who used to do this show, John Sudden or other.

Don't know what I'm doing.

And happy 37th birthday on Saturday to Helen Zaltzmann, another bugle star whom I've known for, hang on, let me just get my calculator out.

2017.

I have to say, my favourite Zoltzmann.

Zing!

Yeah, 37 years I've known her.

And this is the traditional date, the 24th of April, Monday, as this goes out, of the fall of Troy in 1184 BC, according to now discredited historians.

But to mark this historic occasion, at some point during the course of today's show, a load of Greek men will emerge from a giant wooden horse and start slaying everything inside.

I saw saw them in the bathroom outside, actually.

Guys, keep it down.

We're recording.

Also, happy birthday to the city of Rome, 2,770 years old today, if legend is to be believed.

And to mark this occasion, at some point during the show, we will all be suckled by a mother wolf.

Oh, good, I was getting thirsty.

Oh, that's the good stuff.

Who's next?

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, necessary kitchen gadgets.

After the launch of the Juicero Wi-Fi-enabled $400 smart juicer

that has become the first ever implement to be able to extract juice from fruit, very much the holy grail of science.

We look at other must-have landmark kitchen gadgets about to revolutionize the market and save us valuable time in our hectic lifestyles, including the Krakatron Shellmeister, a stunning new device.

Simply put an egg into the CS4.2, and the Krakatron will not only crack the shell using an inbuilt mechanical rotary hammer for an more easy shell crack, but it will then deposit your egg into a Wi-Fi-enabled egg cup.

It will email you a list of possible things to think about whilst eating an egg.

Must be pre-cooked, retailing at just $499.

Also, the Pistachio Time.

Using micro forceps, directly inspired by the harrowing mechanisms of modern childbirth, the pistachio time 3k breaks open pistachio shells, then fires the ready-to-eat nutlets into a Wi-Fi enabled bowl that sends you an email alert when it thinks you might need a snack based on your snacking habits of the past 10 to 15 years.

Saves an estimated 14 minutes per decade if used daily on two kilograms of nuts.

Warning may cause mild confusion.

And we look at the smart cumber.

Exactly the same size and shape as an actual cucumber.

The smart cumber sits in your fridge, doing nothing, and then emits a piercing alarm at exactly the moment it would have become inedible had it been an actual cucumber.

That section in the bin.

Top story this week.

Election fever.

They said she wouldn't do it.

She said she wouldn't do it.

No one was asking her to do it.

She said she wouldn't do it again.

There was absolutely no need to do it.

She said she seriously wouldn't do it.

Everyone had forgotten forgotten that she might do it.

But she did it anyway.

Theresa May has called a snap election.

I'm going to even make the news here in Australia.

Yeah.

I saw it on my Facebook feed.

Well, I mean, that shows what a big story the man is.

It's infiltrated my friendship circle.

People are posting up things.

I mean, I think in a post-Trump world, you need to up the stakes in politics to get your nose in the news.

Like going back on your word and doing something completely off the cuff and unthought through makes you relatable to the common man because people look at you and they go like, oh yeah, I remember the time I did a U-turn against traffic on a freeway at midnight because I wanted a McDonald's.

I want my politics to reflect that impulse.

Oh, right.

So, it's Theresa and I'm playing the

yeah, it's like all the politicians at the moment just sat down and watched an 80s movie marathon, and then they just heard the phrase, it's mad, but it might just work, one too many times.

And they're hoping the public will confuse the word sudden with the word decisive.

You know, like those people who say, I'm just honest when they mean I'm just a cockhead.

You come in with your semantics.

She called a snap election.

She then explained why in a speech outside number 10 Downing Street.

I mean, it was like a six-minute speech.

Quite impressive that she managed to get through those six minutes without at any point saying the words, obviously, this is just naked political opportunism.

Impressive self-restraint in between the bits about no one being allowed to play political games anymore and doing what's best for Britain.

Naked political opportunism is my favourite kind of naked.

Wow, you're sharing too much again, Alex.

My second favourite is naked in the kitchen.

The two often go hand in hand.

If George Osborne's Instagram feed is anything.

Look, I'll digress.

Impressive display from the woman who's put the chancer into lives next door to the chancer le.

And Britain has come down with election fever.

Yet again, classic symptoms of election fever.

Shivering, hot sweats, headaches, general listlessness, and uncontrollable vomiting.

Shivering very much at the icy blast of the arctically cynical pragmatism unleashed from the permafrosted political heart of Louisa May.

Hot sweats as we flush red with the embarrassment of what the fk is going on in our country.

Headaches provoked by merely contemplating the prospect of two more months of political bitchcraft.

And general listlessness as we contemplate the options on the electoral menu thrown up by this kind of slow-motion car crash collision of 21st century political expedience and an 18th century political system and vomiting at the pure naked hypocrisy of our prime minister tough times to be a British democracy fan now I mean you're heading towards the path that Australia is taking you're just you know one prime minister in another one out you know yeah we turn over prime ministers at quite a high rate mainly so they don't have a chance to do anything because things are okay here for the mainstream because you have three-year terms don't you yeah three-year terms we sort of you know that's a loose term yeah by three years make the full three years these days nah I mean it's not even an aspiration anymore.

You just want to get in, and then once you're in, it's like, oh, I've made it.

Had the portrait done.

Yeah, got the portrait.

Yeah, give someone else a go.

Move over.

Right.

Don't hog the seat.

So that's what we do.

And I think it's good to see that the Brits are sort of taking that up as well.

The way we do it is, as Australians, we don't like tall poppies.

We have this tall poppy syndrome, and we don't like tall poppies.

So the moment we elect someone into power, we're like, think you're better than us do you?

We're very OCD about the height of our poppies.

We don't know.

We don't care.

I mean, is that a smart car?

Are you trying to be smart?

No.

Going to cut you down.

I don't want an actual measurement in centimetres.

But I think that's what's going on with the Brits.

You know, they just want change.

Why?

I don't know.

And she sensed that.

Brexit was probably that as well.

Well, I think Brexit was that.

It was basically what happened was a Britain was left alone in an empty room with nothing in the room but a single electrical socket.

Eventually,

at some point, inevitably, we were going to put our penis in that socket.

Theresa May says we must come together.

Is that how you got your hair like that?

That is my business.

And it is the manifestation of Britain putting its penis in electrical sockets.

Can I use that on my poster, please?

Feel star mom in Australia.

Reality starden as EPC.

Australian news now, migrants are going to face a tougher citizenship test, which will test their commitment to Australia and their attitudes to religious freedom and gender equality.

It's a little bit reminiscent of the old white Australia policy test.

A very delightful chapter in our particular

history.

So, what exactly did the White Australia test?

Oh, it was this really sweet thing where if anyone was not the right colour, you could run them through a series of almost impossible-to-pass tests, including, I think it was a vocabulary test in literally any language in the world.

You could throw them a 50-word vocab test.

When the original White Australia policy was implemented, it was done by Deakin, and he said that the Japanese and Chinese might be a threat.

His quote was, it's not the bad qualities, but the good qualities of these alien races that make them so dangerous to us.

It is their inexhaustible energy, their power of applying themselves to new tasks, their endurance and low standard of living that make them such competitors.

Oh no, hard workers.

I get the point there, because if we get migrant workers in that work real hard, then all the jobs will be finished and then no one will have a job anymore.

Yeah.

I mean, the new, more stringent English language test is not quite that level.

It's it involves reading, writing, listening, it's speaking.

You have to display an intimate knowledge of uh the history, etymology and deployment of the phrase yeah, nah, yeah, yeah

and the uh unwritten rules for when you can cut a word in half and put an O or an A on the end of it.

You know, biker becomes bikey, refugee becomes refo, McDonald's becomes Macca's, racist application of outdated ideas of national identity is predominantly white becomes acceptable political policy OOF or Australian values.

Well, that's it.

Like Malcolm Turnbull, he said aspiring citizens will undergo tougher tests on their English language skills and ability to demonstrate Australian values.

Yeah, Australian values.

Very difficult to pin down because we spend half the time insisting we don't have a culture and pulling funding out of the arts and the other half of the time insisting that things are un-Australian.

You know, it's the difference between erotica and pornography, you know, when you see it.

This has probably got something to do with the Anzac values that we established in Gallipoli, which involved going to the beach, mateship, and dying pointlessly in large numbers in uncritical obedience to bad British leadership.

I'm sitting right here.

I don't know if I'm allowed to laugh at that.

Because I'll probably be made to pledge my allegiance to.

Because, you know, like I've got.

I've got to lick a flag or something.

Yeah, I've got to lick a flag.

Make out with it, mate.

Use your tongue.

Feel it up.

Feel it down.

Prove to us, mate, that you love it.

Take it out for dinner somewhere nice.

Danda's.

Meet the parents.

I mean, the new rules also require evidence of integration into the community through things like membership of community organisations, which, as a comedian, I refuse to do.

I'm completely incapable of integrating into any way.

ISIS is a community organisation.

They operate at the grassroots level.

I just hate people in large groups.

But okay, if they're saying you have to integrate yourself into a community organization, are they trying to say that ordinary Australians,

are you signed up to one?

My current visa means I cannot laugh or interject into this comment.

I'm just here to make sure it all is recorded.

No, it's a weird one.

Australian values.

I think what he means by Australian values is ability to drink massive amounts of beer.

I think he's also testing things like uh whether you know that when you spew in a cab you have to pay the driver a hundred bucks to clean it out.

That's an Australian value.

Okay.

Uh and a spelling test.

I can't believe we're having a spelling test.

That seems a reasonable value, isn't it?

A hundred bucks.

That's a golden rate.

Yeah, Australian values also include like stringent homophobia, but also not having a problem with the fact that one of our most popular ice creams is called a gay time.

You're just gonna

happy time.

Yeah, the country that calls itself Australia is gonna to toughen up testing on English language skills.

In another Australian story, human rights, obviously, I'm a big fan.

But whether you love them or hate them, it doesn't like they're here to stay.

And Australia showed that we need to fight for our human rights all the time because Australian Lego fans, adult, grown-up Lego fans have threatened, apparently, to lodge human rights complaints over age limits imposed at Melbourne's Legoland Discovery Centre, which state that adults are not allowed in unless accompanied by a child.

Well, a lot of people are upset about this.

A lot of people complaining, saying this is age-discriminatory.

Yeah.

Doesn't take much to upset pedophiles, does it?

Oh, water, I can't go unless I take a date.

I actually love Lego.

Yeah.

But I mean, there's a time and a place, isn't there?

And you've got got to pick your barrels.

Adults, yeah, unable to enter the centre unless accompanied by a child aged 17 or under, except on special monthly adults-only nights, which raises the question, what the f goes on at an adults-only Lego night?

I guess if you legalise adults-only Lego nights, you're destroying the sanctity and tradition of all Lego.

Was that gay marriage?

I forget.

Look, either way, it's going to cause a volcano to sprout up in Melbourne.

That's all I know.

Lego makes the least comfortable sex toys.

I think it's a terrible injustice.

I don't think anyone has the right to stop adults from enjoying the simple pleasures of childhood.

I demand not only access to children's playgrounds that have Lego in them, but also the right to suck on my fist in public, scream uncontrollably until you bring me the food that I want and bring my blankie to board meetings.

At what stage of an adults-only Lego night does someone say, oh no, I've just realised I'm a grown-up.

We're all grown-ups here.

When will the scales fall from our eyes, people?

I think it's a natural extension of things like, you know, bronies,

which is adult male fans of My Little Pony.

They're sort of muscling in on the joy of delicately combing the rainbow hair of a tiny plastic horse.

I think it's a wonderful thing.

I think we should move further down this path.

I think we need government-mandated nap times like they have in Spain.

It's working well for them.

Working very well apart from the 50% youth woman.

I withdraw.

I think adults playing children's games, it's actually healthy.

Like a a lot of the reason why men have masculinity issues or even turn to radicalism and extremism is because they had unfulfilled childhoods.

Right.

Why build a bomb when you can build a Lego spaceship?

Exactly.

Get Kim Jong

in there, get ISIS in there, just get him to play a bit of Lego.

We might not have the problems that we have in the world right now.

Right.

Why has this not been suggested that the United Nations?

Exactly.

Because people like you laugh at it and make your stupid comedy podcasts about these serious issues.

We could be ending the war on terror.

Right now, right here.

Just mass drop.

Just massive drops.

Just throw Lego over Syria.

Yeah.

Hey, Bashar, here's a set of Lego.

Maybe he'll change his...

Well, I think, I mean, that could be an interesting change of tack, because, you know, if there was an airdrop of 250,000 My Little Ponies over ISIS-controlled areas, it would at least make them stop and think, what the f is going on.

Just some breaking news coming in now.

Fox News has announced that following the departure of their flagship shitbag, Bill O'Reilly, the 67-year-old 12-time bile-spouting loon of the year from Fostering Social Division Monthly magazine.

O'Reilly's hit show, The Factor, will now be hosted by a rotting pile of festering rat corpses.

A Fox spokesman explained, We figured this was the nearest like-for-like replacement we could find to help smooth the transition.

My great beef with Bill O'Reilly is

that Bill O'Reilly, to me, up until I became aware of the work of Bill O'Reilly in America, was one of the greatest Australian cricketers of all time, the 1930s leg spinner, and I believe his legacy has been tainted.

I believe

0.01% of the audience will get that because not that many people know that much about cricket.

One of the actual people in the studio get that.

I was never very good at maths.

In baby terrorist news, a three-month-old baby has been summoned.

Well, that's I mean, let's just stop you right there, Alyssa, before you explain the

Because I mean, those are probably words that have never been spoken before by any human mouth.

Except in my dreams.

Terrorist interviews.

What?

You've got to stop eating cheese.

He's been pulled called in genuinely to the US Embassy in London for an interview after his grandfather mistakenly ticked that box.

You know that box that says, Are you a terrorist?

And his grandfather accidentally ticked yes.

So he had to travel in to prove that this three-month old baby was not a terrorist.

Right.

And I I think, you know, no smoke without fire as far as I can get.

I'm concerned.

ISIS is notorious for recruiting young.

It's a lot easier to get someone on board a radical terrorist agenda before they've developed critical thinking skills or language.

Just like football managers, always go on for the best talent as early as you can.

It's competitive out there.

I've got friends who've recently had children and they are pretty good at blowing up your life.

You just got to hear them talk about, you know, just the way that they throw stuff at the TV when Trump's on.

You just got to just pick up those sort of anti-Western imperialism sort of vibes.

You get them early.

I've got a family friend, Bangladeshi Muslim, family of five, born and raised in Australia, Melbourne.

And they were traveling to the US via Canada.

They were driving across the border.

At the border, four of the five family members got visas or they got accepted into the States.

One of them got rejected because apparently he was on a terrorist watch list and he was only five years old.

No joke.

They were like, are you sure you haven't gotten him confused with another Muhammad Abdul?

And they were like, no.

They legitimately thought, they were like, well, we can't take any chances because it's his name.

They're like, but he's five years old.

They blocked him.

Right.

Well, I mean, statistically, most terrorists were at some point

five years old.

Yeah, it's a 100% correlation.

You can't argue with the stats.

You can't.

And yeah, exactly.

It's a classic question, you know.

Would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler?

Is that the question who was asked?

Yes, Ben Carson was asked.

No, in fact, he was asked whether he would have aborted the fetus Hitler.

And he said no, because he's pro-life.

You can argue about the mathematics on those lives.

Probably a significant minus number.

But anyway, look, Jeb Bush was asked if he would have killed a baby Hitler and he said yes.

Who's asking these questions?

Well and these are this shows what a robust democracy America has because they have people in the media willing to ask the difficult questions.

The questions it's absolutely necessary to ask someone before you entrust them with high office.

I mean how can you put someone in the White House if you do not know what they would hypothetically have done in Austria in 1889 with either a pregnant Mrs.

Hitler or a just-born Adolf Hitler.

You have to know that, otherwise you don't know how they're going to respond to a sudden surge in the stock market.

What would you do as the host of this podcast?

What would you do?

Well I'd go slightly further back in time and try and split up the Hitler marriage.

Just awkwardly horn in on their dates.

Yeah.

We go bad back to the future too.

I'm going to take one for the global team.

How would that work, Andy?

Would you...

I don't know.

seduce the future Mrs.

Hitler?

Look, look, I would turn.

I've thought this policy through.

Say, I've come from the future.

Flirt with Mrs.

Hitler.

Look, I'm just saying.

Hey, I've come from the future.

Check out my machine.

It's a question me necessarily flirting with Mrs.

Hitler.

It's a question of me.

Flirting with Mr.

Hitler.

Just getting them apart.

But what would happen then is that they would go off, individually create diluted versions of Hitler, and there'd be kind of like two semi-evil kids running around.

You've got to make them both sterile.

I mean, I'd say

do that what you're hinting at is the suggestion that maybe the greater issue is the social division in 1920s Germany and hyperinflation that facilitated

no, it's not.

No, that wasn't.

No, right, okay, right, okay.

None of you are qualified to be the American president.

I think we've just proved that.

The specific wording, if we may return to the story of hand.

My podcast, I'm going to get a control of this.

The question on the Esther form says, do you seek to engage in, or have you ever engaged in, terrorist activities, espionage, sabotage, or genocide?

I think sabotage is the key word.

This is not an innocent mistake for me.

This is a grandfather who has just had a perfectly passable shirt, extremely sabotaged by a baby.

He's just cops baby chunder all over his favourite jacket or something.

The trumpet section.

Historic.

Chronicling of the Trump years.

Donald Trump has received some criticism this year after claiming that an armada of American ships was steaming steaming its way to North Korea at high speed when it turns out that in fact it was steaming in the opposite direction, some 3,500 miles away.

I mean there's no clearer message of military might than heading as fast as possible in the opposite direction.

But my concern with this is Trump's use of the word armada because when you look at the historic track record of armadas, it is not unblemished.

A cursory perusal of Wikipedia shows that the most famous of all, the Spanish Armada, 1588, lost.

I mean, if the Armada conjures up one thing, it is the image of Spanish King Philip II pushing uneaten tapas around his plate and muttering, well, that did not go according to plan.

The following year, in England, we launched our own Armada in 1589, which, such is the nature of the way history is taught in England, I had never heard about because it was a fucking catastrophe.

It was sent to capitalise on the failure of the Spanish Armada.

So that's a double Armada failure.

Armada on Armada there.

Yep.

And the Armada of 1779 was aborted.

That was a Spanish-French combined Armada.

That was aborted before it even had a chance to lose.

Wasn't much of an Armada, more of an Armadon.

Very good.

Armadident.

That is, that is, I mean, and.

I think Nazim just won the bugle.

Yep.

That's very much the logical end point of this podcast.

I would have gone with Aunt Mada.

Right.

My Aunt Mada made terrific Battenberg cakes.

Anyway.

It's not a positive thing to name a fleet of ships after.

No, and to not know where your fleets of ships are.

I mean, there's two possibilities.

Either Donald Trump was lying or he didn't know what the shit he was talking about.

Either of which seems incredibly likely.

It's like choosing between two delicious bullshit flavoured ice creams.

Yum, yum, yum.

On the plus side, Kim Jong-un probably didn't notice, because I would imagine, knowing him as I do, that he was busy holding his hands above his head to form a point and shouting, I'm the biggest carrot in the history of the universe.

Bow down and worship me.

I'm a 60-metre-high mega-carrot.

And if anyone disagrees, I will have them killed.

Pence pledged to strengthen the US presence in the Asia-Pacific region, and he said this.

He said, we will defeat any attack and beat any use of conventional or nuclear weapons with an overwhelming and effective American response.

I just think calling any American response of recent history overwhelming and effective seems a bit of a stretch.

Unless we translate overwhelming and effective as messy, excessive, and with the kind of unanticipated long-term toxic effects on the region that you get when you try to use a can of hairspray to groom your pubic hair and then stand with your pelvis too close to a fire.

Your emails now, and this came in from Alex Clough, who writes, Dear Tom, whoever the f your guest is, and last and certainly least, Chris, I'll be attending your show at the Comedy Festival on the 16th of April, so that was last weekend.

I'm wondering if you could please satirise, not that show, mate.

I've stopped doing that show for now.

I will be doing it in Edinburgh, though, in August.

Roll up, roll up.

Please satirise city rivalry, especially between Sydney and Melbourne.

He says, I currently live in Sydney, but lived in Melbourne for four years, and I've never understood why there's such a huge rivalry between the two.

Now, as you're younger.

I'm probably more the Team Melbourne.

Yeah.

And you were.

I was born in Sydney and I have moved here.

And again, I think the rivalry is just one of those vanity of small differences things.

There's a big difference.

Right.

Well, we have the beaches and the cliffs.

Yeah, we got...

We don't have that.

So just beaches and cliffs, that's it.

Because I was reading that some Sydney siders refer to Melbourne as the bleak city.

Yeah, but they're Sydney siders, so they're inherently wrong.

Right, okay.

Basically, if you want...

If you want a beautiful city,

beautiful things to look at.

If you're impressed by visual, go to Sydney.

If you want beautiful people and character and generosity and smiles and laughter and culture, genuine happiness from within, come to Melbourne.

That's what happens.

There's a small difference, I guess.

I think your kind of two archetypes is Sydney is like a yacht on the harbour with the sun setting and the light glittering off the waves, and it's warm, and you're having a cocktail, and some asshole is snorting coke right next to you.

If you come to Melbourne, it's somebody in black with a turtleneck and a beret drinking very overpriced latte and judging you.

Right, okay.

Yeah, so and Canberra was set up to be an average of those two things.

Canberra, whenever I go through Canberra, I think there are people in the world who have been sent to spy on politicians in Australia, and they must be so bored.

Canberra, the city of bored spies, that's what I want the motto to be.

Sport now.

That's the first time anyone else has said Sport Now on this show.

I'm not comfortable with this.

I'm taking over, Andy.

Carry on, Alice.

In Sport Now, Serena Williams has won her 23rd Grand Slam tournament at the Australian Open while pregnant.

Whoa.

I'm not sure what tennis ranking that gives the fetus, or does it technically count as a doubles match?

It surely counts as doubles.

Surely.

And I guess we won't know until we know the gender of the baby, whether it was mixed doubles or women's doubles.

I think this is just her taking a swing at everyone who's ever called her manly before, because this is like the ultimate feminine act of empowerment.

Taking a swing.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Also, yeah, I think that's kind of cheating because she's kind of got an extra brain in her.

Or like half a brain, whatever.

So that's, you know.

So you're saying that the infant within her was calling the tattoos.

Yeah, she's kind of having a conference within.

So, I don't know.

The whole thing's caused a bit of a racket.

I'm stopping.

I'm not even starting.

Stop her.

Stop her.

Yeah, it's quite extraordinary because she's the woman who's dominated women's tennis.

Very much like a giraffe dominating a longest-necked zoo attraction competition in that she's very, very tough to beat unless she's suffered an extremely serious injury.

Anyway, that brings us towards the end of this week's bugle.

I hope you've enjoyed it.

Thanks.

Nas, it's been great to have you on the show.

Thanks for having me.

I enjoyed being on here, especially that last story, which was Ace.

Very, very cool.

So it took about a minute.

Was that a double...

No, I got it.

I faltered there.

No, it's just thanks for having me.

Thank you very much.

Alice, thanks once again.

And you'll be able to hear more of Alice on the recording of last week's live show.

The rest of my Southern Hemisphere talk continues.

Sydney the 24th to the 27th, then Auckland the 28th and 29th, and Wellington the 30th and 1st of May.

Then I'm back home for more UK dates.

All details somewhere on the internet, possibly not on my own website.

Thank you very much for listening, Buglers.

Until next time, goodbye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.