Bugle 4023 – World turned upside down

Hey Andy, how you doing?

Uh uh yeah, fine. Fine Tom, yeah.
Welcome, welcome to Australia. Yep.
Surp surprised surprised to see you

alive. Well, you did try and kill me off in episode 200, obviously.
Yep, yeah, but no, no, welcome. Welcome to Australia.
Apart from it, did you come here by boat?

No, not this time. Good, okay, because if you came here by boat, you're very fing not welcome.

In fact, have this one-way tickets to a tropical hellhole.

Anyway, yes, welcome, welcome. So, yeah, how's it going? How's David Cameron going? Cameron, I've heard he's fine.
I've heard he's fine. Good, good.
Barack Obama, how's that all going?

Yes,

he's.

Where have you been? Oh, look, well, we'll just ask John. Hey, John, how you doing? Oh, now there's some news I've got to explain.

John? I've already got to explain this.

What have you done? What have you done to John?

Well, at least, Chris, you're going to have a busy job.

Chris?

You haven't fired him as well.

No, I've just moved hemisphere temporarily. All right, let's get on with it.
Shall we start the show?

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4023 of the Bugle audio newspaper for this remorselessly visual world, the long dead audio canary for today's non-existent political coal mine.

I am Andy Zaltzmann and I'm reporting to you live from one of the world's lesser known hemispheres, the southern hemisphere, uh from Australia in fact, in the glorious city of Melbourne, which is in fact only slightly older than this podcast, and joining me for this truly historic bugle, marking yet another step forward in the history of broadcasting.

I have not one, not two, not three,

but two co- Did I say two already? Yeah, it's two. Two guest co-hosts, both on Bugle debut.
Some say that's bad selection. I say if you're good enough, you're old enough.

Firstly, and let's play spot the one biographical lie in the introduction.

From Australia, it is comedian, radio host, TV political discussion show anchor, and former stunt double stand-in for the character of Theodore in the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie franchise, Tom Balloff.

Wow. Southern Hemisphere for Live.

Hello, Andy. Welcome, welcome, Mario.
Thank you so much.

Pleasure to be here on the podcast that was described the other night when you were being introduced as the highest-selling podcast in the world. Yes.
Really? Sales are through the roof.

We're seeing for a big windfall after this, though. Huge.
Yeah, that was news to everyone. But that is a lie I'm prepared to let spread.
Let its tentacles take root. And from Ireland,

see if you can get the lie in this one, too.

It is comedian, keyboard waggler, author, professional penguin aficionado, and winner of the UN Golden Brake Pedal Award for Road Safety Development for his invention of the holographic roadkill ghost.

It is David O'Docherty.

It's true, I can't play the keyboard.

It's great to be here. Thank you very much, Andy.
It's long last you've asked me. It's great to have you on.
Well, we go back a very long way.

We were just discussing before pressing the play and record button simultaneously, as I believe Tom does here. We did a new act competition 18 years ago

since 1999. Yeah, with Jimmy Carr, who is now

he is a gas fitter isn't he yeah I believe so I think in fact him and John Oliver have gone into business together fitting fitting gas I'm just delighted you've got me finally a straight white man on the podcast well yes I mean this is you are the yeah the first

since John Oliver to

our first straight white man. I mean it's just it's a perspective that's often overlooked.
You know a lot of the time I want to know what do straight white men think about this.

I thought it was the newspaper or something. Yeah, with a great silenced minority.

When will we have our say in the way the world works?

You both disgust me.

You, Tom, are an abomination to write out.

God, it's good to be here.

Also joining us, as you may have heard in that introduction, in a development that may intrigue long-term buglers, is a man reports of whose death it transpired were greatly exaggerated, and by exaggerated, I mean obviously made up.

Back from the audio dead, twiddling the buttons and blooping the bleeps once more, all the way from the first three years of the bugle with his ex-bugle producer Tom. Hello, Tom.
Hello.

Majority of your new listeners won't know who the hell I am, and wish this indulgent bullshit would end soon. Absolutely.
Was he transported to Australia for mistakes he made on the early bugle?

David, listen very closely, yes.

So this is the bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 10th of April.

Producer Tom, not the only blast from the past, because on this day, the 10th of April 1815, the largest volcanic eruption in recorded history, my least favourite type of history, incidentally, Mount Tambora, the great big boom bam blasting bad boy, the Indonesian mega-magmatic monster mountain, quite literally blew its top and sent 160 cubic kilometers of volcano vomit, pyra cluster splurting into the skies.

That is the equivalent on the modern volume scale of 2.8 Donald Trump egos, and an eruptive power equivalent to the tantrums of 375 small children being simultaneously denied an ice cream led to a period of global climate change that provoked

a worldwide famine. The worst worldwide famine of the 19th century

and in 1816 the following year was known as the Year Without a Summer because the

climatic impact of the eruption. Now

imagine if it happened now. God,

no cricket.

No cricket for a year. I mean that puts everything in perspective, doesn't it?

Well they'd have to do, because the the grass wouldn't be growing, they'd have to use those astro creases, you know, which would play against the spinner, wouldn't it? Right. It would be difficult.

Anyway, what was the best famine of the 19th century?

The best, as opposed to the worst. Yes.

I don't know. I mean, to be honest,

as a Brit, we were quite good at making famines work well for us commercially. You know something about that, David.

As the people of Ireland and India would no doubt testify.

So, I mean, we are at some cracking famines. Two months, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely cracking famines. Today as we record the 7th of April it's World Health Day and also in the USA National Beer Day.

So when people say there are not enough days in the year that is exactly what they mean. And it's those two days having to share the same date.

And in fact for this week's section in the bin we are commemorating US National Beer Day by launching the official Bugle Audio Beer.

Bugle beer is a handcrafted, manually bottled beer, each hop lovingly sung to by a trained lounge singer to soothe it before being plucked voluntarily from the vine, then hand-brewed by hand in an artisanal hand microvatlet, made of fair trade ethically, using vegan gluten-free water, multi-denominational priest-blessed barley, and free-range yeast with an equal representation of male and female yeasts.

The recycled sugar is allowed to ferment to whatever pace it chooses.

Then the finished beer is wirelessly linked up to a starving African teenage boy so that every sip you take gets him drunk as well as you.

Free bugle beer in the bin this week.

Top story this week, Andy. Australia exists.
Yeah.

Now, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it's going to relate to the UK and US audiences like Australian politics.

I'm not sure if there's going to be much crossover there, but like in Australia, we're ruled over by rich white neoconservatives who are slaves to corporate interests.

We have an opposition party that's lurched to the right, been plagued with leadership instability. The Murdoch media empire has conquered and poisoned public debate.

We have a whiny and ineffective progressive movement, and our deep-seated xenophobia has manifested itself in the rise of right-wing populism and and the cruel and racist demonization of refugees.

Right. Okay.
So,

there's only one thing I can say to that, and that is this:

Lenin alert, Lenin alert, attention, copy, attention, copy, lend an alert, the Bolsheviks are at the gate.

Don't bring that lefty shit here, man.

Don't bring that audio shit here.

We love the Prime Minister in Australia.

We've churned through five in the past 10 years. Yes, when I was last here, 2007,

well, when I went and lasted the full festival, I think Kevin Rudd had just taken over from John Howard. Yes.
And he got into power really running an extremely strong I am not John Howard

campaign. It's his top qualifications.
Then he was ousted by Julia Gillard, who really played the I'm not Kevin Rudd card pretty damn hard. Yeah, really good.

Then Rudder counter-ousted Gillard saying, I'm not Julia Gillard.

Unfortunately, he was Kevin Rudd, though. He was Kevin Rudd, and this is what was then exploited by Tony Abbott, who said, I'm neither Gillard nor Rudd.
Yes.

And now we have Malcolm Turnbull, who's basically got him by saying, I am just absolutely anyone who is prepared to do this job.

It's a dance as old as democracy itself. Have I basically summarized that? That's pretty much it.
Yes, you should write a book about that. Okay, thank you.
Yeah, I will.

Tony Abbott was too right-wing, you see.

Far too far to the right, too right-wing.

For Australia. You're for Australia, yeah.
So we fortunately replaced him with a millionaire who likes locking up refugees and giving tax cuts to corporations. Thank God for the sensible centre.

One of the outrageous lies of Australian politics is that the Conservative Party are called the Liberal Party here. It's very confusing.

And then the ultra-Conservative Party here are the Conservative Party. Well, there's now the Australian Conservatives, which was Corey Bernardi, who's, you know,

like gay marriage will lead to bestiality level. Crazy.
He left the Liberal Party because they were too right-wing for him, and he set up the Australian Conservatives.

Too left-wing, too left-wing for him. Yes, too left-wing.

Too left-wing, yes. But that's uh, did he genuinely say that? That gay marriage will lead to festivals.
Oh, yeah, wow, sent to the backbench, not fired, backbench, please.

I mean, I don't know if you've been to Ireland in the last year, but there's a lot of livestock getting boned there, is all I'm saying.

Yeah, well, we've we legalised gay marriage, and Brexit happened.

Join the dots, people,

it causes earthquakes, political ones.

We love our racism here in Australia. Uh, we like, I I think we like the barefaced stuff, none of this casual covert stuff, okay?

Out of the open, little less dog whistling, little more blackface on national television. Okay, that's kind of the vibe we're going for.

And I would put our racism up there with the best in the world, David. The best.
If there was a racism Olympics, we wouldn't go. There'd be foreigners there.
But

you could tell we'd have a great time. A leading racist at the moment is a woman by the name of Pauline Hansen.
God rest her soul. Sorry.
She is our Nigel Farage, our Gert Wilders, our Donald Trump.

Although, like any Australia adaptation of anything overseas, it's a bit shit. She is the Australia's Got Talent of Politics.

No good. She has praised Vladimir Putin.
She suggested vaccines cause autism.

And last year, when she was giving her address to the Australian Senate and making her political comeback, she was in the parliament of the 90s, she said simply, I have two words for you.

I'm back, but not alone.

And I've got one word for that quote. It is really stupid.

You mentioned Putin. We shouldn't point out from a point, because I know a lot of you listeners use the bugle as

a historical record as much as anything else. As we record, the US has just launched missile attacks on Syria in response to the Assad regime's use of chemical weapons.

That is Syria in the Middle East. And that is the same Assad whose principal ally is Vladimir Putin and Russia.
But don't worry, buglers. It will all be fine.
What could possibly go wrong with that?

And it'll all be fine because we've put some music on to suggest that it will all be fine.

And because we are currently physically in Australia, which is A, the world's ninth happiest nation, and B, miles from anywhere. So, there we go.
I've got some Australian politics facts. Go on then.

Australian politics fact one.

If one party doesn't get an overall majority in the Australian elections, they form a coalition.

Very good.

Very good. I like that, David.
I mean, that does fit into the overall ethos of this show.

Which is terrible puns masquerading as satire. Shh, yeah.
My view of Australian politics, having got here last week, there's a hell of a lot of abuse in parliament.

Yes, the abuse in British Parliament tends to be slightly camouflaged under vaguely parliamentary language.

In Australia, they pretty much just call each other to each other's face.

Well, yes, I think the Green senator got up the other day and was talking about when he was a lecturer talking to his students about the state of the Great Barrier Reef and what was going to happen to it.

And him and the students collectively cried. And the Conservative side of the parliament burst out laughing.
And one got up and genuinely offered him a hanky.

So that's good. You know, some good schoolyard bullyings going on.
Mark Latham, the former Labour leader who was very close to beating John Howard in the election, could have been our Prime Minister.

has recently been fired in disgrace from the Sky News channel for calling a student who released a video promoting feminism for International Women's Day as gay. Oh, man.

Right. Normally, if you're like a bully as an adult, the age of your victims grows up with you, too.
But he seems to just keep focusing on the high school level of the abuse, which is extraordinary.

So, what is happening with marriage equality in this country? There is going to be a referendum.

There is going to be.

Is it a referendum?

No, there was a plebiscite, which was going to be like a nationwide opinion poll, but that got voted down because the gays didn't like it either because they thought that the publicly funded campaign of talking about how horrible everything was would be damaging and they could just do it any time they like and have a free vote in parliament.

Right. It is extraordinary.
The prime minister, the leader of the opposition, and the Australian people all support marriage equality, but we still can't do it. That's democracy, baby.

It's quite an odd battleground to still be.

I mean, when you've been beaten by Britain to legalise it and by Ireland, as David said, I mean, that is the real miracle that we, the most monocultural country in the world ever, the only country in the world where parsley was regarded as a spice until recently, managed to pull it off.

That should be the inspiration everyone else needs. That's, I mean, particularly as this is a country so large that if anyone had a

real, genuine, massive objection to gay marriage, they could quite easily just move to somewhere a minimum of 200 miles away from the nearest possible gay.

So you would have thought this Australia should have been leading the way, Tom. Thanks for mentioning my show title, Nearest Possible Gay.

I appreciate that. Tickets on sale now, coming to Edinburgh 2017.
I mean, you say that, but Australia is also full because I've been watching some of the anti-refugee stuff.

So that would be the difficulty of moving because it is rampant.

You take a train out into the Outpack now, it's just lines of people crushed together in fields.

There are six refugees in the studio right now.

Bangladesh multiply by itself.

There's been a lot of talk about corporations getting on board the marriage equality movement from Qantas and these CEOs coming out in support of it.

They're doing it because it's the right thing to do for their profits. Shareholders, more like careholders.

And Airbnb recently announced they'll be selling specially crafted acceptance rings in support of the cause. So the ring forms an incomplete circle.

There's a little gap representing the gap that's currently in our marriage laws. And the words, until we all belong, are engraved on the interior, which, if you ask me, sounds gay.

And there was this anti-same-sex marriage campaigner, Sophie York, she went on television she was concerned about the rings, David, you see, because she was worried that people might feel pressured into buying them if employees started selling them at work, but also it could be an OHS issue.

I mean the gap could catch, that ring could catch on things. We need to think about the impact on the worker.
Good thinking, Sophie York.

It's easy to imagine a scenario where one of those poofta rings could seriously endanger someone's life, whether they're a plumber fixing a tap or a proctologist conducting a rectal examination.

Although I'm sure the gay lobby would bloody love that

sick weirdos. I say all rings should be closed so that no one gets caught on pesky equality.
Also, black civil rights campaigners, stop sitting up the front of the bus. You are distracting the driver.

I think if Airbnb were serious, they'd release a limited edition Cock Ring. I think that would be.

Family Show, sorry. Maybe that could be the next bit of bugle merchandise.

It's great that Airbnb have a social conscience, considering they're based in Dublin, so they pay zero tax anywhere because of a dodgy deal they've done with the Irish government.

Everyone's banging on about Ireland because the company tax cuts just got through last week here and they're like, look at what's happened with Ireland.

They lowered their company tax rate and now everybody's there. But then they don't even pay tax to you guys, do they? No.

Apple own, I believe, owe $18 billion to the Irish government. Or the EU has ruled against Apple owing this quantity, but the money is stateless.
It doesn't exist.

It just sort of sits in a drone that's holding it somewhere over the mid-Atlantic.

So we're never going to get to see it. But we are the absolute patsies for, I think, we are just really impressed when Americans say they want to come to Ireland and open a company there.

We go, ah, don't worry about tax people. We'll

get you back in a few years.

Just some controversies I was reading about

Australia's offshore detention

regime, which could harm its bid for a seat on the UN Human Rights Council,

currently populated by such notorious bastions of human rights as Egypt, China, and Saudi Arabia.

Which is that's kind of like putting Tom Brady on the World Anti-American Football Council or Hannibal Lecter as chair of the International Foundation for the Compulsorization of Ethical Veganism.

Na Nauru seems to be a bit of a national embarrassment. Someone talk about it.
Okay, all right.

So Nauru is the island where you're made to stay. Is that right? If you seek refugee status in Australia, yes, you've got Nauru, you got Manus Island in Papua New Guinea as well.

Pop you on there for up to three years,

chill out, have a little think about it, relax, think about what you've done,

watch the Australian Bachelor on a Loop and see if you like the look of any of these sweet hotties. Yeah, want to go home now, don't you, kids?

Actually, we've talked about the Grey Bay Reef before. What's exciting is that by 2022, that's just going to be a reef.

And then by 2029, all going to plan, that will actually become a prison for refugee fish.

So,

you know, we're spreading it out, we're diversifying, it's good times.

David, you have spent over a year of your life in Australia. I guess I've toured here so many times, it adds up to that.

So, what's your

take on it? I think, Andy, there's one thing Australia loves. It's a really cheap reality TV format.

Every time you put on the TV here, people are crying as they pull a car tire up a hill or because their macaroons haven't macarooned, or just middle-aged men crushing the singing dreams of weeping children.

But the one that we get at home in Ireland and in the UK is border security, which I think might be called Nothing to Declare here, where hapless tourists fail to realise you're not allowed to bring jars of mayonnaise with

rats living in them into Australia.

I think the reason those shows are so successful, it's like America's Dumb Its Criminals.

It's kind of right way. It's the government saying, we've got this, everything is under control.
But they're always filming it when you arrive into Melbourne Airport.

And I've just wanted to get on it for a long time. You know, and I didn't really have a tactic.
Initially, I'd just pretend to be a bit sarsy, you know, with the slightly sarsy cough.

And then I'd bring in, you know, plastic bags just full of blood or whatever, but they would never get me. But this time, I wasn't really thinking about it, but there they are.

There's the sniffer dogs and the cameras. And I had my headphones on off the 21-hour flight.
And so I play a small novelty keyboard on stage. I'm not afraid to admit that on the bugle.

All right, Motor, don't flash it about, mate. And it had taken a bit of a

beat at some point on the flight. And as it arrived in the carousel, my bag was playing Billy Joel's Donko Change and

really loud. And the dogs rushed over.
And the dogs weren't trained to deal with this scenario. But because I was listening to possibly this podcast with you and Nish Kumar, I didn't notice.

So I wheel it through the airport and the men stopped me and then went through it. But they didn't, the TV cameras weren't there.
So once again, failed to get on nothing to declare.

So what, I mean, what's because, yeah, as you say, they're very militant about bringing in

fruits, products. But I mean, insects, they're very scared of tiny insects causing biblical plagues.

Not in late 70s, early 80s

American pop music. Joel,

I think we didn't start the fire. Right.

Which is a more agitative song. You know what I mean?

We're in a nation that suffers terribly with the bushfire issue. I mean, that is a song that has to be stamped on.

Why aren't you playing Men at Work?

Other news now. It's war.
The big one. The one we neutrals have been waiting for since 1588 from Ziramada.
Britain versus Spain. It's Pai vs.
Paella. Bill Bow versus Bill Wyman.

Raphael Nadal versus Roald Dahl.

Hans Labyrinth versus Labyrinth with David Bowie in it.

Just one week on since Theresa May triggered Article fifty, Britain has gone full fifteen eighty eight as former Tory leader Michael Howard suggested that Britain and Spain could go to war over the failure of anyone to think about what would happen to tiny British-controlled protectorate Gibraltar after Brexit.

This is, despite the fact that Spain has not raised any issues to date, still it's like this is gonna happen.

Come on.

It seems like what the hell would happen to Gibraltar is another one of the things that they forgot to think through before offering the simple binary choice to British voters.

That list now includes what will happen to Scotland and the future of Great Britain itself, what will happen to the delicate peace in Northern Ireland, what will happen to at least three-quarters of the jobs in the UK.

We've only got about another half hour left in the studio. So if you could just cut the list down a bit.

Well, the one question that has been answered in the last week is: what does Michael Cain think?

Yes, we know finally, the man who played Scrooge in the Muppet Christmas Carol, what he thinks of Brexit, and he bloody loves it. He said, I'd rather be a poor master than a rich servant.

I'd rather be a poor master than a rich servant.

And the sun, the genius of the sun was they conflated his comments with the Gibraltar situation to create yesterday's, as we record, this very powerful headline, which is, we only want to blow the bloody señors off.

Okay, sorry, we only want to blow the bloody. Can you say

we only want to meant to blow the bloody bloody seigneurs off which to listeners who may not be as familiar with the works of kane that's a pun on a michael kane quote from the 1969 movie the italian job where he says you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off

the beauty of we only want to blow the bloody seigneurs off is the fact that the sun in my mind is trying to heal the rift between britain and the rest of europe by offering well seigneurs because they don't have is it a tilde you know the curvy line line over the O.

So señors in this situation means pensioners, as opposed to the usual use of seigneur. So what the Sun is offering is to give blowies.

We only want to blow the bloody senors off. So maybe if you have a copy of it, you can bring it to the...
It just shows how the old vote dominates politics now.

Always giving in to the demands of the pensioners. Basically, Gibraltar is essentially 50% of our empire now,

which has shrunk over the years. I will give you that.
I mean, if you take Gibraltar away, we'll have only the Falklands left, essentially, unless you count Canada and Scotland.

I forget, anyway.

I did think, David, how an Anglo-Spanish war would pan out.

And essentially, we'd basically get the ferry from Portsmouth to Bilbao, then start for a nice long lunch in a seaside town along the coast before thinking about making a leisurely way south towards Madrid, then maybe stay for a few nights in the Picos de Europa Mountains.

Beautiful scenery, so relaxing.

A couple of long walks, some outstanding cheese and ham, maybe make it as far as the beautiful medieval city of Leon, where you'd inevitably stuff your face with high-grade snacks while getting gently sozzled on beer and architecture before you just call the invasion off.

So I think it's not going to be quite the global conflagration people fear. As one of the only British people in this production, since you love Spanish ham so much, which side are you on, Andy?

Don't make me choose.

I think it's ironic that Spain is so desperate for the UK to share a small slice of something. Now they know how we feel when we go to tap us.

The people of Gibraltar have hastily set up a fake lobby organisation called Defenders of Gibraltar.

And that is entirely unremarkable, except for the spokesperson they keep putting out to do interviews. And she is the incredibly aptly named Anne-Marie Struggles.

which in terms of other hapless Brexit negotiators, her name is up there there with my all-time favorite, who's the current Northern Ireland Secretary, who's trying to negotiate that very delicate situation they have there.

And his name is James Brokenshire,

which is the most perfect name since our old friend from the world of football, Tokyo Sex Whale.

Everything goes back to Tokyo Sex Whale.

Advertising news now, and this week a new ad for Pepsi featuring reality lady and full-time person Kendall Jenner landed the company in some hot water.

Incidentally, hot water, still better than Pepsi.

The commercial features Jenna having a sexy, famous photo shoot on the street, and is then inspired to join a passing protest, like a march.

It's very unclear what exactly the march is protesting, as the signs display lovehearts, the peace symbol, and the phrase, join the conversation.

Very odd, let's just assume they're protesting PepsiCo's environmentally destructive water practices in the developing world. Random!

Jenna grabs a refreshing can of Pepsi to help her wash down all this delicious social justice, laughs and smiles at the super cool and super diverse protesters, and eventually offers a can to a member of the stern-looking police watching over the march.

The cop tastes a sip and smiles refreshed, and everyone cheers.

Thanks, capitalism. You've done it again!

I want to see more multinational companies getting involved with this and sort of marketing political activism. Planning on chaining herself to a tree? Choose Tree Chain.
Tree Chain.

Making chaining a treat. The people, United, will never be defeated.
And if you want to defeat those nasty stains, buy whitewash. Whitewash.
Mmm, white.

Hey, hey, ho, ho, this excess stock has got to go.

I've got to say 16 more.

At Johnny's big buster bargains, no one shall overcome these crazy prices.

They're taking a fair wrap, Pepsi Corp. But I just hope in all of that people don't forget the numerous other uses of Pepsi.
You know, you don't just have to drink it.

It also removes rust from old spanners. That's true.
Soaking in them over and it cleans coins. It's an insect killer.
If you have ants and you just pour Pepsi down, though, it removes. Isn't that so?

Yeah. Yeah.
Well, tested that out. In as much as pouring water will do it as well.
Right. Pouring Pepsi down will, I mean, they'll rot their teeth for one thing.
But

it also, and this could be the most important use for it in Trumpy's America, Pepsi removes blood from carpets and clothing.

If you rub it on it before you put it in the washing machine, that there's right. There's a practical use.
There speaks a man who's cleaned up a thousand crime scenes. Oh God.

You do have risky. How did you know that?

After testing all the products on the market, I found that Pepsi is the most effective. It was my mother.
My mother.

You you can also, if you get chewing gum stuck in your hair, which I find happens increasingly less as I get older,

why is that?

Because in school people used to put, oh my goodness, happy this has come up now. I'm a first bugle.

Oh, no.

Yeah, Pepsi's another, that's another great use for it. Right.
I like when Kendall in the ad, there's the point where she realizes she has a social conscience as the the

the march passes by and with the back of one hand she wipes off her lipstick and underneath she has other lipstick which is how many layers of lipstick is candle packing on any given day?

That's one of the unanswerable questions of history, isn't it? Yeah. You get it off with Pepsi, though, if she's looking to remove it once and for all.

Well, if it can remove blood, then presumably it could remove most household lipsticks. I mean, you are the Bugles residents made up

stain removal expert.

It wasn't the most realistic protests in this advert.

I mean, for realism, they should have had pro-Pepsi organisers claiming a turnout of 6.3 million, whilst the police estimated the crowd at between 35 and 48.

And there should have been anti-Pepsi complainers saying, why aren't these soft-drink snowflakes just vote the other colas out at the ballot box if they don't like them?

So let's have some realism in our bullshit protest adverts.

Pepsi issued a statement saying they were trying to project a global message of unity, peace, and understanding. Clearly, we missed the mark and we apologise.

I mean I'm not comfortable with it these words. For a start, unity, peace and understanding are yesterday's breakfast, frankly.

Listen to the votes of the people. You're an American company.
America wants division, conflict and intolerance. So get that in your fing advert next time.

Surely Pepsi is responsible for the greatest division of the question of Coco Pepsi, driving people apart in every restaurant across the world.

The source said they shouldn't have had a celebrity face tied to it if they wanted to try and send a strong message like this.

No, they shouldn't.

They could have just, you know, donated one year's worth of their $6 billion profits to something that might say equality for all rather more strongly than a celebrity who gets 400 grand for taking a shit in the right brand of toilet on Instagram, trying to spread dental problems to the riot police.

They could have given $10,000 to every single homeless person in the USA, clean water for 20 million children with their $6 billion profits. I wanted to create equal.

Or on his current estimated weekly wage, they I could have bought Cristiano Ronaldo from Real Madrid and chained him to a radiator for 308 years.

Now, I don't know how that would foster unity, peace, and understanding, but it would sure as get people talking.

Can I just raise one point there, which is, so the world could be ending before this

bugle is uploaded? Yeah, you don't get paid if there's Armageddon before.

I should have read that contract. So no one may ever hear this bugle then.
Has this ever happened before where there's a possibility of the world ending during a bugle record? Um,

God, I'm not sure. Tom Trump and his 2011 ashes, you weren't paying much attention, Andy? It was 2009, mate.

Absolutely, it's 2009, Ashes. So, the world was going to end if England didn't beat Australia in the cricket.
Is that a similar

you're comparing that to the impending Russia-American war? Yes. Yeah.
That's good. Yeah.
Trumpy's really about the cat among the pigeons there. Like having Wily Coyote in charge of CERN.

That is an image I hope I never

forget. I will try and think of that every morning when I wake up now.

In some ways, that makes it slightly more reassuring. He's very good at painting.
Also, in Kendall Jenna's Defence, a lot of the world's leading protest movements began with a desire for soft drinks.

The Russian Revolution,

largely about lenonade.

Oh,

no!

Boom! I never thought I'd be in the same room as one of these.

Moses, don't worry, it's not the fault, you're not getting the full, you're not getting the full gambit. Moses' protest against the Egyptians,

pretty much all about Mountain Jew.

Oh,

boom. Then Ice is Altsman.
I'm allowed to say that. If Tom's allowed to do the gay stuff, I'm allowed to do the Jew stuff.

You're in my employer's studio. You'll do as I say.
He's a bit less lapsed than I am, I think.

The trumpet section now, and

well,

yeah, it does appear that we are basically on the precipice of global Armageddon.

It's very hard to not be unbelievably pessimistic about the entire future of the planet when you look at anything that happens in Syria at the moment.

Slightly extraordinary reaction by President Trump to the horrors that have unfolded, saying that it had changed his mind mind about Syria and Assad and that lines lines had been crossed which is a bit like Captain Scott getting to basically the penultimate day of his polar expedition thinking might be time to put a scarf on

it's very tricky really at this point holy cow if it didn't you know At this point, I feel if the world did explode.

It's so be like, you know, in Star Wars and Princess Leia sees her home planet destroyed. She's a bit sad, but part of her is also like, yeah, there's a lot of arsholes there.
You know what I mean?

They had it coming.

I think that it is Trump's rhetoric that will get us through these troubling times. Asked if Assad should stay.
Wow, that is a sentence that has never been said before. Congratulations.
Thank you.

Asked if Assad should step down. Mr.
Trump said he's there and I guess he's running things, so something should happen.

Which doesn't fill you with con

I say to you, my fellow Americans, in these troubling times something should happen.

I'll get back to you on the specific details, but seriously, we've got to get moving on this in some kind of fashion. I'm not taking any questions, but you know, just good luck with the whole thing.

Something should happen, Andy. Yes.
Well, he has slightly changed his view on Syria, it would appear, from

previous times when he was Donald Trump, the man who would obviously never be president of America, to the man who is actually president.

His old take was, it's too far away, let's just not get involved. That particular take of his essentially.
Yeah.

I I think Assad mentioned that Trump didn't win the popular vote and now he's just had enough

further.

If this latest atrocity has changed your view of Assad,

then either you have been basically avoiding world news for the last six years, saving up for a massive catch-up news binge on television when you get a weekend off work strapping, it's going to get funky.

Or you're mixing Bashir al-Assad up with the former world snooker champion Terry Griffiths. Oh, snooker.
This is it.

But you might think, oh, I can't believe Terry Griffiths has done this terrible thing.

He always seemed like quite a nice avuncular Welshman, but now this, how could the former world number three in 11-time Crucible quarter-finalist have behaved in such a horrible manner?

That is.

Essentially, the leader of the free world is a cranky goldfish. That is not reassuring.

We ask for God's wisdom, said Trump, as we face the challenge of our troubled world.

Yes.

I mean, I think God, it would seem, he's not been dispensing much of his wisdom over the last, what, well over 2,000 years from a Jewish perspective.

I think essentially he probably invented the PlayStation in about 100 BC. And since then, has been locked in his shed playing Thragmar the Destroyer 3 tournaments of the Never Dead.

Sport now, and, well, golf is happening in Augusta, the Augusta Masters. Tom, you can check out for this.

I mean, he's right.

There's always been sinister undertones to golf.

You know, even going right back, Hitler had his underground bunker where he would practice his splash wedge shots during the war, try and get that little bit of backspin in there.

It's the first major of the year. Yeah.
Andy, so the favourite fell down stairs, slipped in socks, damaged his back. Yeah.
Dustin Johnson won't be playing. That is a disappointing sporting injury.

Fall down some stairs. The non-golfing buglers may know the Masters.
It's the one where if you win, you get a green jacket. They put a green jacket on you.

But this is the first year that the Masters is sponsored by the upmarket paint brand Farrow and Ball. So the green jacket has been renamed the Gangrene Dreams jacket.

Similarly, that was another band I was in. Gangrene Dreams.

In this July's Tour de France, there's Farrow and Ball also sponsoring it. The yellow jersey will be known as the Custard Regrets Jersey.

I admire the level of bullshit you brought to this podcast, David. You have fitted in seamlessly.
Here's the fact about Augusta.

You know, the 11th, 12th, 13th hole, known as Amen Corner, named, do you know what it's the origin of the name, Amen Corner is? I don't know the original.

It's named after the list of people who were allowed to be members of the Augusta National, A-Men.

And so the other part of the course, following redevelopment in the 1970s, the I think it's hole six, seven and eight part of the course, formerly known as B White's, is

no longer there.

The Marsters has a proud history of leading golfers pulling out for odd reasons. Kirk Triplet, genuine name.

That is a genuine golfer's name. It's up there with Tokyo Sex.
Well, nearly. Fred Funk was my favourite golfer.

Sorry, Matt.

Kirk Triplett missed the 07 Mars after putting Augusta in his sat-nav and ending up 8,000 kilometers kilometers off course in Italy at the tomb of the first century martyr St. Augusta of Trevisa.

Fred Funk missed the 84 Martas after rupturing his clertiary lumbar dorset muscle attempting to live up to his name with some deep funk dance moves on the first tee to get the crowd on side.

Whilst Fleverard Plock III missed the 1975 Masters after landing the role of Nebuchadnezzar in the hit high-budget medium-core pornographic stage musical Babes of Babylon, whilst Leonid Brezhnev pulled out of the 1968 tournament due to being leader of the Soviet Union.

Further back, Chicago gangster Luigini the Claw Mortadelli was chased off the twelfth tee in 1952 by FBI agents after kidnapping three-time champion Jimmy Demarat and playing in his place.

Golf-obsessed Mortadelli, renowned for his roles in the Glampy Toucan murder and the 1947 Klerpike Vegetable Market robbery, which saw the abduction of over 400 pumpkins and a metric tonne of carrots, had always dreamed of playing major championship golf, but after posing as Demaret in the opening round, suspicions were aroused when he carded a 42 pal front nine before his caddy fired a machine gun into the air on the 10th team and stole playing partner Ben Hogan's pitching wedge.

See what I mean? Golf is boring.

And back in 1938, early in the Masters history, America's Hercock Fertival withdrew on the morning of the final round after getting his hand stuck in a tortoise.

Fertival, renowned for his slow play, putted a ball on the practice screen into the tortoise, Jeanette, then of course owned by the reigning champion Byron Nelson.

The tortoise being the traditional prize for winning the Masters back in those golf days before the green jacket was introduced.

They used to paint the champion's face on one of the scutes of the tortoise's shell.

Fertival tried to retrieve his ball from Jeannette's neck hole but got his golf hand firmly stuck in the golf tortoise.

And after attempting to tee off on the first with a fully grown adult tortoise on his left hand, whilst being abused in distinctly non-Augusta compliant language by a weeping Nelson, Fertival pulled out.

Jeannette famously was a founding tortoise of Augusta.

She used to lay her eggs in a sand dune on the site of the famous course and local farmers in the 1880s would chip the eggs out of the sand with a mattock, and that's the origin of the bunker shop.

I'm dumb. It's been a lot.

That's so funny. What was the hang on?

Kim Jong-un's father,

what was his?

Yeah, do you remember his golf, his amazing golf? Five under Parliament? Golf statistics. He got all holes in one once.
Yeah, pity he couldn't take on Trumpy because Trumpy is

while his vibe has changed re-Syria, it's also changed re-playing golf a lot as the president.

So if those two could shoot it out, then maybe the idea of North Korean bombs sh falling off the coast of China wouldn't be as frightening as it is to me.

Quick email now from the Your Emails section. Do keep me coming into HelloBuglers at the BuglePodcast.com from Simon Rogerson,

who writes, Dear Andy, Chris, and whoever. That's us.
Hello. Hello, whoever's.

Catherine of Valois was hot. Henry V knew it.
Owen Tudor knew it. Shakespeare knew it.
Samuel Pepys knew it. And I know it.
She was born in 1401 to encouraging stock.

Her father was Charles VI of France, better known as Charles the Mad.

And in 1421, Henry V of England invaded France so that he could rattle her.

And according to Shakespeare, she responds by unleashing a filthy speech that would get Chris, or in this case, Tom, the producer, bleeping away if he tried to broadcast it. Now,

I know you guys have listened to the show a bit in the early days. We did hotties for this.
Yeah, absolutely. And

it's become a tradition for new bugle guests. You have to share your historical crushes as you come on the show.

So, I mean, who, you know, from deep back in the annals of humanity, who would who gets your

going right back to medieval times

when Christianity in Ireland hadn't really established, there was still a half mixture of the old pagan religions and then the Christianity. A lot of

medieval churches would have directly over the entrance a Sheila Nagig, which is a stone lady with her legs spread right apart and what can only be described as huge flaps.

Which

always got me, always got me a little bit interested anyway. What is this religion business all about? And then I found with some old pagan codology.

Can I say huge flaps on the bugle? You just did. Yes.
Yeah. Apparently so.

Tom.

It's got to be Adam for me.

Going right back. Right back.
Adam Scott, the Australian golfer, one of the favourites for the most years. No, enough golf.
You cannot have a hottie from history who is alive. Oh, okay.

That is a basic. I think you've got to be.
Tom, can you remember the rule? Because you were there in the hotties from history days, of course.

I believe I came up with it, but I'm not going to remember it. Was it really? Yes.

Was it, I think, minimum 30 years dead? I think. Yeah, it had to be far back, just in case there were any relatives who'd get in touch.
Yeah. So you're going with Adam?

Well, I mean, I just think he was the first one. You know, God would have taken his time there.
He always had that little leaf over his little

so-and-so.

I think we all desperately wanted to see what was going on under there. Right.

You know, don't be ashamed, Adam. There's literally no one to compare it to, so it's not like everyone's going to be like, that's small.
Yeah.

He had a USB port. Really? Yeah, Apple didn't want.
Ironically, Apple.

Because you're hiding from history, Andy. Oh, that's too many to mention.
I can't.

Florence Nightingale. Florence Nightingale was the real one that kicked it off.

Sorry. Can I just focus while we finish this podcast?

Thank you very much for coming. It's been a delight having you both on.
You are both doing shows at this wonderful comedy festival. Would you like to plug them to our listeners?

Tom, where you're doing a couple of shows, aren't you? Yeah, I'm doing a show called Problematic. That's my stand-up show.
That's on most nights.

And I'm doing one off of my little comedy lecture about Australia's treatment of refugees. Laugh a minute at that.

On Saturday, the 22nd of April at 5pm at the Comedy Theatre. And Tom will also be appearing in the first ever live bugle next Sunday, the 16th.
David, I'm plumbing away.

Doing an Australian tour at the moment of my show, big time. And then while I'm here in Melbourne, I write children's books as well, though I may not sell many after this appearance.

The book is called Danger is Everywhere. I'm doing some kids' shows too.
Yes, but I saw it yesterday with my very star-struck kids.

My show is 7.15 at the Belburn Town Hall with a bit at the end that nearly works.

Rest of it's going fine. How'd it go last night?

It's nearly there. Nearly.
Brilliant. I'll finish it just after I get home.

Thank you very much to the ABC for hosting us in their studios and for podcast fans, which I assume you are if you're listening to this.

Why not check out Burn Your Passports with Nazim Hussein and the Tokyo Hotel and the other ABC comedy podcasts? Thank you for listening, Buglers.

Until next time, when I will be joined by Sammy Shah and Alice Fraser, goodbye.