Bugle 4015 – Tolerance is just laziness

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4015 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world for the week, beginning Monday, the 6th of February, 2017, with me, Andy's Oltsman, live in London,

the capital of Brexitania, the new utopia that will surely be so awesome that we may even reach a World Football World Cup semi-final at some point in the next 50 years.

So it will all have been worth it.

And joining me from New York City, Trump, Sylvania, it is Wyatt Senak.

Hello, Wyatt.

Hello, Andy.

Thanks for having me.

And hopefully, even though I'm sharing my voice with you in the UK, Trump will allow my voice to return back to America when this podcast is finished.

I cannot guarantee that, I'm afraid.

You may be unable to speak for at least 90 days, if not longer.

Yeah, I might just have to use one of those little mini chalkboards and just walk around just saying everything that I need to say to people.

The next time I do the podcast, it could just be the sound of like...

That's it.

That's all you get.

Well, as long as it keeps America safe, that is fine with me.

So, I mean, this is your first appearance on a bugle uh with uh with a trump in the white house with weimar trump the um

also your first appearance on a bugle in which roger federer has won 18 grand slam tennis titles so you know you know it's been up and down for the planet it really

how has the uh how was the how are the first the first the early two weeks first two weeks of the trump era treated you you know it's it's really opened up my my uh weekend as far as just i now have things to do on the weekends which are just go to protests.

Right.

Before

you didn't know a Saturday could be anything.

It could just be, oh, I'm going to just lazily wake up and maybe go get some breakfast.

And now it's, nope, I've got to make a sign.

I don't know what the sign is going to be for this week, but I'm sure if I just look at Trump's Twitter, I'll figure it out.

I mean, it's been a great boost for the

home craft industry.

Exactly.

In America.

Placards, hats.

I mean, people are learning a lot of new manual skills.

Yeah.

If he's not making America great again, he's definitely making Office Depot great again.

Because they are running out of poster board.

Poster board, Sharpies,

just, yeah, little sticks to tape poster board to.

It's, yeah, that's that economy.

I really hope those are American businesses because if not,

boy, is he going to have some explaining to do

in another protest that we have.

Yeah.

How is it for you

in Brexit land?

Well, I mean, similar.

We're not quite as intensive protesters over here.

We've had a few,

but I'm not sure that the placard industry.

When you say you've had a few,

have you seen ours?

Ours are pretty impressive.

How do yours?

Pretty good.

I mean, the women's march march a couple of weeks ago that was that was pretty impressive i mean it wasn't the entire country but it was uh that was a solid two hundred thousand or so

um and yeah i mean this you know british placards of i think i think we're we're i mean i'm not saying we're we're a great placard nation but i think we're we're holding our own at the moment there's certainly a lot of british people who are you know prepared to write swear words down on card more so than they were a year ago, I think.

Sure.

But it does sound like as far as protests go,

maybe this is where we have an inverse relationship and that the UK,

you all are kind of as good at protests as we in the US are at soccer.

Yeah, but I mean, you've got better at soccer over the years.

You had a World Cup quarterfinal a few years ago.

Sure.

You know, we're learning.

Yeah, we're learning.

And you all will get better at protest, but it seems like right now, we're the Premier League of protests.

Yeah, but to be fair, you are cheating by having Donald Trump the most.

I mean, that is like taking performance-enhancing drugs when it comes to protest.

That is like pumping your body full of steroids and

oxygen boosters in your blood.

I mean, that is cheating.

In terms of getting protests.

Are you suggesting that we're juicing?

Because I'm here to tell you that all of that vitriol that...

You thought existed on television, it's real, friend.

People bought those weird, stupid Trump hats.

They're out there yelling in people's faces.

They really hate people who don't look like them.

And that is stuff that they have been working on for years, decades, just doing pure work.

There is no synthetic stuff in that hate.

That is real, pure hate.

I mean, can it naturally exist in the body and in that level of concentration?

Yeah.

Look,

we just work a little harder at it.

We work a little harder at hating.

And if you all just don't want to do that, I mean, it feels like you had your opportunities and then you all got lazy.

You know, some people would call it tolerant, but in

Trumpsylvania, we call it lazy.

Right.

I mean, I think that happened shortly after the Romans invaded and they improved the state of the roads.

And we thought, well, you know, mustn't grumble.

Yeah.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straights, straight in the bin.

This week, an extreme vetting section.

Extreme vetting, a big hot topic in global politics at the moment.

So in our extreme vetting section, we speak to celebrity stunt vet, Dr.

Heriot Flambois, who tells us about delivering a calf whilst parachuting from 30,000 feet.

Also tells us how to spay an Irish wolfhound during the course of a bobsled run.

And we also look at how to train a chicken and a crocodile to fight each other in such a way that they give each other acupuncture.

Also in the bin a book review section, this week, books about vegetables, including When Cauliflowers Attack, True Stories from an Industrial Vegetable Sorting Depot, Bucket Full of Carrots, When Destiny Calls, the new book from Grethel Corblink, the former chief carrot peeler at the vegan restaurant Vegetable It's Potato Growing for the Eagle.

Sorry?

Ooh,

that sounded like a page turner.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, it is a quality.

I'm giving it four stars.

And can you get some very good tips on how to peel 20 carrots in under a minute uh potato growing for the easily startled by Albertine Falouk um apparently the key is to learn the difference between a worm and a cobra and uh the big publication in uh vegetable books this week Gherkin the official history of the pickled cucumber by professor jamaluddin prouch who of course last year had a big hit with beetroot the devil's ventricle my battles with the evilest vegetable of all uh that's uh vegetable book review section in the bin i should point out also this is a podcast so technically part of the media, which is the official opposition in America now.

So if this episode gets enough downloads, I will get a seat in the Senate.

So do spread the word, buglers, and see if we can get me into a seat of executive power.

I'd like to see that.

Yeah, I mean, it might be a trade-up, to be honest.

Would you still do the podcast if you have a seat in the Senate?

I think I'd just use Twitter.

Smart.

Yeah, that seems to be the way of directly injecting yourself into the minds of voters.

Don't forget your constituents, Andy.

We voted for you.

So, Monday, the 6th of February, marks the 65th anniversary of our Queen Elizabeth II

becoming Queen, promoted up to Queen from a humble princess when her father died.

So, 65 years since Queen Elizabeth came to the throne, and the BBC have allowed us exclusive access to get commentary on some of the Queen's greatest moments.

First, 1953.

Yes, there she is, waving at the crowd.

That's what they wanted to see.

1977.

And Her Majesty, with that distinctively royal hand of hers, waves at the crowd.

1981.

And here is the Queen.

Well, yes, she is waving.

That is an official wave.

A magnificent stuff.

2002.

What a wave that was!

Superb piece of waving from the monarch there.

2016.

I don't believe it!

Elizabeth II has taken down Triple H with a belly splash.

The WWE store riding around on the canvas.

And what a 95th birthday present for the Duke of Edinburgh this is.

Who cares if it stays?

Oh, now out comes the Royal Pile Driver and the crowd are loving it.

Happy day.

The 65th anniversary.

I believe that's the year they give her all the crown jewels back instead of the plastic ones she's been using for the last 20 years.

Don't give away our secrets.

I thought everybody knew that.

I'm sorry.

Really should stop reading Russian dossiers.

Top story this week, Donald Trump versus the world.

It's been a lively week, Wyatts, for your president.

He appears to have been picking fights with America's enemies and America's friends almost with equal enthusiasm.

It's, I mean, quite spectacular for

the watching spectators around the world.

Seven billion people are

getting the showbiz show of their lives.

Yeah,

it's the type of behavior that you expect of a person the week they're quitting a job, not the week they're starting it.

Like, this is, it just feels like, oh, are you going to take America, which he may, just move America to another planet, which is perhaps the easiest way to make sure America first, America number one, America always,

whatever other adjectives he knows to

describe America.

But yeah,

it's an interesting time here.

He angered Iran,

which

I think everyone saw that coming, even Iran.

They really should have been prepared.

It feels like they should have just had a response at the ready the minute the words came out of his mouth.

Then he followed it up with Australia, which who knew Australia would be in the looking at Iran like, wow,

that guy, huh?

What do we do?

He has aligned Australia and Iran together against the United States.

It's a brave new world that we're journeying into.

And I think it's dangerous to get competitive with the Australians because they are a naturally competitive nation.

As soon as it becomes anything like a sport, Australia will try to win it.

And I think that's a dangerous road that Trump is going down.

He described the

he got very angry about this deal signed by Obama in which America would take about 1,200 refugees, described as the worst deal ever.

Now, even in the Trumpian universe, where everything is some form of business transaction,

that is some claim.

The worst deal ever.

Similar words, of course, said by Jesus Christ when his dad told him about a crucifixion gig, which clearly had pluses and minuses.

And that's another weird thing about Trump recently.

He seems to have

become very Christian in a way that his entire lifetime of behavior suggested he would not do.

Well, in in his defense, he spent most of his adult life, 70 years,

trying to figure out who he is.

And now that he knows, he's like, okay, now I can accept God into my life

because I don't think God would have liked me before

when I was married to that first lady.

And so then I divorced her and I thought, maybe God will like this one.

Nope.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe he'll like the third one.

Also now I've stopped going bankrupt as much as I had been in the past.

I've cleaned up my life.

I think God will like this version of me.

70 year old

angry, angry guy who lives in a weird little bubble.

Last week, Nish Kumar suggested that Trump's election has proved the non-existence of time travel.

because someone would have come back to sort it out.

I think he's also perhaps now proving the non-existence of God.

God.

Because I think if there was a God, we would at least have heard a, you know, the clouds would have parted and there'd have been a,

Donald, where the f have you been for the 70 years in which being overtly Christian was not of strategic value to your career, you cynical tool.

Have you read any of my books?

Well, sorry, either of my books.

My only book.

But the second one's a fake.

But anyway,

have you read my book?

If you did, you must have missed the commandments bit.

Sure, I'll hand it out a bit quick.

But has there been a day of your adult life in which you have not contravened at least seven out of ten?

And I think in his mind, he would say, look, I can make you a better deal on those commandments.

I think I could present a better deal.

You talk about your book.

Your book is failing.

Your book, my book, Art of the Deal, sold better than your book.

Yours is a failing book.

I don't know how it's going to stay in business.

King James Version, no thank you.

Let me get my daughter, Ivanka, on it.

I bet she could write a better book, book, do a nice revision of it.

We'll package it.

We'll put it back out there.

It'll be a better book.

Trust me.

Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump.

It is kind of unfortunate that out of all these seven deadly sins, the only one he doesn't seem to practice on a daily basis is sloth, which is the one that I think the world most needs him.

to have.

If you suddenly add sloth to his collection of the other six, then at least it would calm the pace down a bit.

Yeah, if he could just sleep for just maybe even eight hours, I feel like it would just be nice for everybody else to just, we could all catch our breath.

It's frightening how much energy a 70-year-old man

has.

I've met 70-year-old men.

They usually, they usually seem to need to sit down a lot more.

They want a break.

and they don't realize when they're farting in public,

which

this may just be his way of farting every time he speaks.

He may have some weird gastrointestinal thing where, yeah, the awful things that he says, it's not that he means to do it.

He's just an old man who's farting from his mouth and he doesn't realize or is just pretending if he doesn't notice, no one else will either.

The week, in fact, just after we recorded last week, the announcement of the travel ban was was made,

which seemed to rile quite a lot of the universe,

not just the planet Earth.

It was described by its critics as un-American.

I'm not sure this is a valid criticism because it's been massively divisive.

It's guaranteed to piss an enormous number of people off at home and around the world.

It almost certainly won't work, and it will make a good plot line in an action film.

I don't know how much more American you can get than that.

This will be one of the most American pieces of legislation in history.

Yeah, that actually, when you put it that way, yeah, it really just needs some sort of

corporate sponsor, which I guess you could maybe say Uber was the corporate sponsor on it.

You got some product placement in there.

And yeah, pretty good.

Amongst the other countries reportedly on Trump's grump list, Georgia.

That's next in his talk.

Too confusing.

No room for two Georgias in the world and America's already got one.

Transylvania, a leaked report suggests that Trump views vampires as posing a clear and present danger to all American virgins.

And if sex before marriage is going to become illegal, as it appears that it will,

then vampires will become exponentially more of a threat.

If you don't agree with that, you're essentially saying American women deserve to be eaten by vampires.

He's also rumored to be declaring war on Pangaea, the ancient mega-continent.

since the dinosaurs have not apologized for the atrocities they committed on American shores.

And also on Lilliputz, the fictional Country.

We was overheard saying those tiny little bastards are going to be hard to spot sneaking in through the gaps in my fence.

So it's going to be a lively time for the world.

Kellyanne Conway has hit the headlines once again, Wyatt.

She's currently riding very high in the betting for the 2018 Nobel Prize for Delusional Hogwash.

And she managed to invent a fictitious massacre,

the Bowling Green massacre,

which is, I mean, quite an exciting moment in many ways

for

the battle against facts.

I mean, there's always hidden victims in these things.

And I just worry about the victims of this Bowling Green massacre who've been, which didn't happen, who've been wandering around for years not knowing they'd been slain.

Just unaware of their own demise.

How are they going to break the news to their friends and loved ones that they've now been retrospectively mown down in a fictitious terrorist attack and are now

by the power invested in the president's advisor officially dead?

And that's

that is a hard one to explain.

Well, I think that also there are two things at work there.

One, I think that partially explains some of the mysterious votes that Trump believes went to Hillary Clinton, that some of them may have been victims of the great Bowling Green massacre.

They don't exist.

They're people, when he talks about people that don't exist, yeah, they're these people who've just been living their lives lives for the last six or seven years, not knowing that they should have died and should be dead.

And that, yeah, to have to go to your family or to go to your job and say, hey,

I don't know how to tell you this, but apparently I was massacred seven years ago.

And

as it happens,

I guess we can't be married anymore.

I'm going to start seeing other people

because I'm a ghost and that's what I can do.

So good luck taking care of the kids.

I met an exotic dancer named Sapphire.

She was also a victim of the massacre.

At this point, it's tough for the new administration because they're not only having to block millions and millions of terrorists from the seven terrorist sleeper countries

on the list, But they now have to prevent made-up retrospective attacks that have already happened.

I mean, that's very hard to stop those happening.

Yeah.

No, how do you stop an event that happened in the past when it never actually happened?

I mean, this is an interesting new angle on fake news as well.

It's called

fake history, which I guess is at an old angle, as Shakespeare would no doubt testify.

And that's a little joke for all you Richard III fans out there.

For me, my question is,

when are we going to get a National Day of Remembrance for the Bowling Green Massacre?

That should be declared a national holiday at this point.

I think we probably

need that day off.

We need at least 20 years of just day off remembrance.

And then maybe by year 21, we can figure out how to monetize it and have Bowling Green Day sales,

which is the American way.

We, you know, we remember something, we feel really bad about it, and then we figure, hey, you know what?

Everybody's got the day off.

Let's have a sale because it's what the victims would have wanted.

Just when you thought, okay, Donald Trump, his plans,

they don't make sense.

I have a story for you that makes it all make sense.

You finally see

what is going on.

You see the mastermind at work.

Apparently,

once he instituted his travel ban, a

former Norwegian prime minister was flying into Dulles Airport in Washington, D.C.

that day,

and he was detained for about an hour because in 2014 he had visited Iran.

He was a Norwegian diplomat, stopped at the border, almost made to go back to Norway, which in itself is a punishment.

And you may say, wow, that doesn't seem right.

But to me, I think who better

to be a terrorist?

Who better to be a sleeper cell

than a foreign diplomat from Norway?

I'm not sure even the TV series 24 would have taken that angle.

No, but I mean, that's what makes the the Machiavellian scheme of the Norwegians so brilliant.

They've been in such deep cover for so long.

Yeah, they've just been enriching themselves with uranium to turn themselves into nuclear weapons.

And that's how they get through our border.

They come by, they go to a place and order some ludafisk.

The restaurant says we don't serve that here.

They get really angry and then explode, sending nuclear waste everywhere.

And that's how it happens.

Right.

Are you?

Have you got a secret job as Donald Trump's speechwriter?

Because that sounded like it might have come from the mouth of the big D himself.

Look, I'm gunning.

I'm in

this country.

I have to find a way now to make myself useful because at the rate that he's throwing people out, look, if a white guy from Norway isn't safe, I'm not safe.

And that is just a motto I live by.

There's been some other interesting legislation.

He's rolled back some Obama administration on background checks on people buying guns.

And I bet a lot of the US was thinking, you know what?

The way to make America great again is to raise the number of gun slayings, because that is a level of greatness you can objectively, mathematically measure.

And at the moment, you're still quite a long way behind El Salvador in the greatness stakes, if that is how you measure, you measure greatness.

So exciting times.

I don't know the next time you plan to visit the United States, but I think the way they're going to set it up now,

should you clear customs,

there'll be a gun shop right in the airport.

You can just go straight from your plane, clear customs, buy yourself an AR-15

and just experience America as it's supposed to be experienced.

There was a day that you experienced America with a camera around your neck.

Now it's an assault rifle.

It's still point and shoot.

Just don't, with a camera, there was the time when you would say, like, oh, can I hand my camera to a stranger and will you take this photo of us?

Don't do that anymore.

If I were to return quickly to Britain's protests, we're getting very, very good at signing petitions, which is quite a nice way of protesting.

It just takes a couple of clicks of a mouse and you've essentially transformed the entire future of humanity.

And there's been a petition protesting Donald Trump being awarded a state visit that has been signed by 1.8 million people.

They want to downgrade Trump's visits from a state visit to just basically a glorified stag do, in which rather than being presented to the Queen, he'll be taken on a tour of London strip clubs by Peter Stringfellow.

And there's been,

but the glorious thing about this is the Britishness of this petition.

It says Donald Trump should be allowed to enter the UK in his capacity as head of government, but should not be invited to make a state, an official state visit because it would cause embarrassment to Her Majesty the Queen.

So that is the British objection, a gloriously British reaction.

We wanted to say, f ⁇ you, you obviously deranged lunatic, but

instead we've gone with, oh, we really don't want to cause a scene.

It's going to be a little bit awkward she's 90 now and she can't take shots there's been a counter petition as well that donald trump should have a state visit um that's signed by uh quite an impressive three almost 300 000 people but that's a weird thing to protest against something that is going to happen yeah um that's the confused planet we live on now

Some other news coming in from Britain.

I mean, there's lots of problems in the world at the moment, Wyatt, but this really puts everything in perspective.

Some British supermarkets have instituted lettuce rationing due to a decreasing supply of lettuces.

Customers in some supermarkets are only allowed to buy a maximum of three lettuces each.

There are rumours that broccoli could be next.

So please send help, world.

Send help.

Do not come here, refugees.

Britain is now a nightmarish hellhole where it has become increasingly difficult to construct a medium to large salad.

I didn't realise you all liked salad that much.

Well, it's not that we like it, it's just we like to have the option to make it.

And if we can't get more than three lettuces, then

that really restricts the size of salad you can construct on a weekend.

Sure, yeah.

Oh, you

poor bastards.

It's tough.

I'm not going to deny it, White.

It's been a

harrowing time.

Yeah, have you all thought anything about maybe alternative lettuces, like a kale or an arugula?

Well, I mean, that's...

we voted for Brexit, so we really don't want to use any of these fancy foreign lettuces, just pure

British lettuces.

That is all we want to eat now as a nation.

That's what we voted for.

Sure.

That's all we're allowed.

Well, last month we had no courgettes in Britain, and everyone lost their shit.

What I'm sorry, but what on earth is a courgette?

A courgette?

Does that have an American name?

Is there an American word for a courgette?

Zucchini.

Zucchini.

Zucchini.

Oh.

Wow.

Yeah.

You know what?

You can have all our zucchini.

You can take, and

I don't know now.

I feel like there's a poll out there to be had of what's a better name for a worse tasting vegetable, courgette or zucchini.

I feel like courgette makes it sound nicer, but I still know it's terrible.

In Australia,

the country that the United States is supposed to no longer speak of,

they have, I believe, arugula is called rocket.

Yeah, that's we call it that here as well.

Do you really?

Yeah.

Bad,

I would have eaten arugula a lot sooner in life if I knew it was rocket.

Yeah, it's because it's got a you know military angle to it.

Yeah,

shoot some rocket in your mouth.

Technology news now and uh

disastrous times for humanity.

An artificially intelligent computer called Libratus has beaten four of the world's greatest human poker players over a 20-day tournament.

So, I mean, the robots are taking over.

If we can't beat a robot at gambling in the age of Trump,

you know, the casino magnate.

I mean, this bodes very ill for humanity.

We've already lost the robots at chess, at the Chinese game Go.

I mean, soon robot computers could be good enough even to run for political office.

I mean, it can't be long before the Boffins work out a way to remove any form of morality from artificial intelligence, and then we will absolutely be doomed.

My only hope is that should that day come when robots run for office,

I really hope that it's not because they used all the information we gave them against us.

It's an apocalyptic future.

And in other technological news,

a Mexican surgeon has been using virtual reality simulations as a substitute for anesthesia in operations.

Now, what, this is...

This is truly extraordinary.

This is, I mean, this could change the entire nature of healthcare.

Yeah.

You put on virtual reality.

It could change healthcare.

It could also change just getting through the next four years or eight years, depending.

If I knew that I could put on a virtual reality headset and just happily go through my world where there is no Brexit and Donald Trump isn't president, I think I would do that.

You could cut me open as many times as you wanted to.

I've been using surgery to distract myself from the news.

When I put the news on now,

I just get a couple of kitchen knives and just do an appendectomy on myself.

And half an hour later, I might be close to bleeding out on the living room carpet.

But

I haven't got a clue what Trump has been up to or whether England have been savagely humiliated at cricket.

And I feel better.

It works a treat.

Trapanning works particularly well, I've heard it as well.

Yeah.

So

kudos to this Mexican surgeon.

It also makes me wonder, though, maybe

we're currently in a virtual reality simulation while some surgery is being done to us.

Well, that's possible, isn't it?

I mean, it does seem that the world is living through the plot of some

slightly badly planned film.

Yeah.

Which is

Matrix Reloaded.

Yeah.

Which please send, listeners, please send any of your comments about how you actually loved Matrix Reloaded to Andy.

Andy was the one who told me to say Matrix Reloaded was a terrible film.

I was just following his orders.

I'll happily take those emails.

Some other exciting developments in technology.

The smart sock has been developed.

Built-in sensors send you an email to all your connected devices to let you know whether or not you're wearing shoes.

So you never need to leave your house unshod again.

You never accidentally get into bed wearing muddy Wellington boots and never go on a polar expedition without your ug boots.

And the smart bladder as well.

They've developed a 3D, 4G bladder sensor which sends an alert to your mobile, your smartwatch, your smart ring and your smart sock to let you know when nature calls.

Can also be programmed to detect when you're stuck in a dull conversation at a party or at work and send you an alert to tell you that you do need to nip to the John.

And Smart Tech, it's new Smart Tech Coffins.

And Apple have just launched the new eyelash, the world's smallest phone, just the size of an eyelash.

You pop it onto your face and you can check your emails, surf the net with the accompanying facial periscope, which magnifies the 0.03 millimeter screen up to up 3,000 times.

So it's not just like watching a cinema screen, it's like being inside Quintin Tarantino's brain.

So very exciting times for technology.

And 350 years, actually, since the first ever

consumer electronics electronics

show in 1667.

Wasn't called by that.

I think it was just called the Consumer Technology Show then.

Some of the big products from 1667, the Occoltec Hopkins 3.2 Witch Finder stick, viewed as the finest witch finding stick available at the time.

All you had to do was point the OH 3.2 at any woman, and if the stick remained a stick, it proved she was a witch.

If the stick turned into a burning serpent or a Daxund, then she was innocent.

And some exciting medical breakthroughs on 1667.

The Samuel Pepys-endorsed diuretic was developed, a new medicine that made you write absolutely everything down in a diary.

There you go, there's a little Samuel Pepys joke.

Science news now and scientists wide have been very busy with yet more crucial world-changing research.

Researchers have discovered that dogs prefer reggae and soft rock over other genres of music.

I mean, this changes everything about the way we think about the natural world.

Researchers in a laboratory, sorry, a laboratory,

played

five different genres of music, soft rock, Motown, pop, reggae, and classical to the dogs.

And apparently, soft rock and reggae were the ones the dogs like the most.

Now,

I have a long-running beef with Science Wyatt that I really think they should be concentrating on more important stuff

than what music dogs like.

I mean, I know not everyone can do world-changing stuff like superconductors, alt harmicures, and how to turn hypocrisy into electricity, which could power the entire planet.

But dogs' musical preferences.

Besides, it's not a complete study.

They did not test other genres of music.

It's not just five genres of music in the world.

They didn't test out Hard House, Seattle Grunge, Urban Sludge Grime, Alt Madrigals, Deathgore Rubberdub, Klesmatronica, Industrial Electro, Chainsaw, Slap Trance, or Blues.

I mean,

what if the dog is preferred?

Any of those genres of music?

Yeah.

I mean, it could, of course, be of some practical use

when you're training a dog.

Do you have a dog, Wyatt?

I don't.

And now, though, I feel like if I did, I would hope to get that dog on the Grammy voting committee

because it feels like a real waste of a dog.

If they can parse the difference between soft rock and reggae and classical, like,

I want to take advantage of that dog's musical taste.

Now, do I agree with it?

You know, reggae is nice if you're cleaning the apartment or something like that.

I don't know about soft rock.

I feel like I've got some real issues.

The dog and I are maybe going to have a little fight over the radio dial every now and again, but

if the dog has that kind of music appreciation, I still like to have the conversation.

Maybe take a dog to a jazz club.

I'm sure there's a lot of people with little pocket dogs in New York.

There must have been dogs in jazz clubs.

I had a dog in my dressing room in Bristol yesterday.

I did the first of my tour dates in Bristol.

Forthcoming tour dates include Leeds, Saturday the 4th.

I see, well, this will be released on Saturday the 4th, so get there quickly if you're listening to it then.

Then next week, Leicester on the 9th, Richmond, Yorkshire on the 10th, and Peterborough on the 11th.

All the details at andysoltsman.co.uk.

I've managed to squeeze my plug in to

some dog signs this week.

But it could be of practical use, I think, Wyatt.

There was a, yeah, there was a dog backstage in my dressing room.

Did not seem to be enjoying the gig when I went in at halftime.

Really?

Yeah.

Now, was the dog following you?

Was the dog perhaps performing after your show?

The dog was being looked after by the chap running the gig

and

was in the dressing room.

I think they were looking after it while I was on stage.

And during the interview, it was sitting there with its little bowl of food and a bowl of water.

But it did look at me as if it really did not like my act.

What would have been

really, I think, soul-crushing is if after your gig was over, when it was time to pay you,

they said, look, we know we agreed to this rate but the dog just really wasn't that into the show

so

we're gonna we're gonna take we're gonna take half back I mean in Trump's in the era of Trump anything could happen like that that wouldn't actually be the least logical way to sort out economic disputes so long as it's an American breed of dog

absolutely the the best breed of dog it could be of some practical use though knowing that dogs like soft rock and reggae if you're training your dog right okay Okay, you want to listen to your new best of Steely Dan, well then shit in the garden and not in the living room.

Your dog.

But it could also be dangerous information to let this information out, to let the terrorists know how easily they can distract police dogs by simply playing funky Kingston by Toots and the Matels through a massive speaker at a pitch that only dogs can hear.

All these plea.

Please stop.

Why is Rover not biting that terrorist?

He just seems to be grooving out.

You were our first line of defense, and look at that.

Now, the terrorists are here, and we've got to hope that our second line of defense, a bunch of unruly cats, will take care of this problem.

So, Wyatt,

sport now, massive weekend for America.

It is the Super Bowl.

This weekend, Super Bowl 51, the halftime show being done by Lady Gaga.

A very appropriate book in that, given that Lord Gaga is currently in the White House.

I've heard she's going to be either doing a stripped-back acoustic set of traditional Armenian folk songs or something massively over the top.

We're still awaiting confirmation.

We'll find out on Sunday night.

Are you excited about the Super Bowl?

I'm not.

Oh.

Yeah.

This one.

This Super Bowl, I'm less excited about.

This one, I feel like a lot of Americans are less excited about this Super Bowl in part because the New England Patriots are

sort of Donald Trump's team.

He's friends with the owner.

The coach of the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick, wrote a congratulatory letter to Donald Trump that he read at a campaign event.

Tom Brady kept a Make America Great hat in his locker for a little while.

while.

And when asked about it, his response was,

and he's yet, and even now, people continue to ask him about it, and he has yet to say anything.

And so there is this whole thing around the New England Patriots right now that, oh,

this team, one, this team of cheaters and people who have like

challenged the facts when it came to how they were winning games and

that

A makes perfect sense they're Trump's team but B

does another does another group of guys like that have to succeed?

I mean it does explain a bit I mean Tom Brady appears to play in this pocket of calm and almost ethereal bubble of serenity amidst the mayhem of twenty stone wrecking balls trying to smash into pieces and it's even more impressive when you realize that internally he's actually screaming to himself something along the lines of why why is everyone in the universe trying to destroy America?

The media works for Lenin and we need to take our country back before it's a Muslim or communist suburb of Mexico.

And yet he still manages to stay that calm.

Truly extraordinary.

Anyway,

we need to finish because we're about to be thrown out of our studio.

So, Warrior, thanks very much for joining us again on the Bugle.

You'll be back on in March when I'm sure everything in the world will be fine again.

Do you have any shows you'd like to plug to our listeners?

Sure.

If there are listeners in the New York area or listeners who want to come to the New York area or even refugees who like comedy and can somehow sneak into New York,

February 13th, 14th and 15th, I'll be filming six

episodes of the stand-up show that I do in New York called Night Train.

We'll be filming those in Brooklyn and people are welcome to come out and see the shows, and there'll be a lot of very fun comedians.

I'm sorry, Andy, that your visa was rejected.

Otherwise, we would have had you on one of these episodes.

I am from the Yemen, so I'm not sure I'd make it in.

That's, yeah.

Most people don't know that about you.

No, I keep it quiet.

Yeah.

Although now you've just told a bunch of people.

Yemen's Andy's Altsman.

Thanks very much, Buglers, for listening.

We will be back next week with Anuvab Pal, who will be live in London.

Until then, Buglers, goodbye.

Bye.

The Bugle is a proud member of Radiotopia from PRX, made possible with great support from our founding sponsors, the Knight Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating creativity, chaos, and teamwork.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.